Gas will be back on tomorrow. Cleaned a lot of mum's kitchen. Grabbed items from corner shop. Friend coming over specially to see me for a few beers, bliss.
Mum was really sobbing again today, hopefully the physiatrist will come tomorrow - it keeps getting put off, they must be busy. Mum really needs this. I was stroking her head, like you might a small child. Her crying reminded me if an infant, too.
Aw, sorry your mom is having such a rough day. She is so lucky to have you. We all are. 💚
Thanks Manda 🌷 and thanks for the hugs everyone x
Had a few old boyfriends / old friends come out of the woodwork recently, not sure what's going on there. Interesting to see though, I guess I must be lovable after all. Hopefully I'll address some issues in counselling, eventually. Definitely got
issues with self-love.
Of course you're lovable, Binky! I love you! 💚
Yes, we all think you're lovable! The hardest person to love is ourselves...
Thank you Manda & Jeff x
Are you a bee or sleepy? 😂
I'm a sleepy B!
Did you get a good rest or still sleepy? Binky needs a nap today!
I was falling asleep on the bus again Manda!
You can't be doing that! Someone might steal you!
You're right Manda. Us pandas are very expensive...
Though I have decided I'm going to ask my mum's thoughts: would she like to move in together. And most likely I'll go ahead with it if she agrees. Not expecting anything to be easy. Feel a bit self-conscious as I've not done much today.
Part of me is hopeful, self-indulgent, idealistic, naive, even - about moving in w her. Another part is uncertain &fearful, tho I think that part feels uncertain &fearful about most things! Also got triggered by a perfectly innocent question earlier.
Binky, you're going through so much. I wish I could help you. 💚
Thank you 😊 you're helping just by being here x
I think Italian Greyhounds are my favorite food
Oh my God! I mean favourite dog!!! Argh!
'If it doesn't suck, we don't do it.' (Goggins) That one? Greyhounds are delicious btw. I used to eat them before I became vegetarian.
Binky! I'm shocked!!! 😂
Yeah that one, from the navy SEAL! I adapted it a bit. It's like the opposite of Homer Simpson, 'If it's hard to do is not worth doing'. Trying to be more like Goggins, less like Homer. And I gotta stop eating dogs. Not cool...
Mental toughness. You didn't have it easy- foster home, unstable family life, but your spirit rises above it. You have a good mind.
Thank you, Love 😃
The carers allowance is pitiful at £62 p/w, and I can only get it if I earn less than £110 p/w (after deductions). So it would basically be keeping me financially poor. On the other hand, I would have a lot of free time& be able to help mum.
We could do things together like go to the cinema, shopping (she loves shopping). I could help prevent that ville man from agitating her and spending all her money, he's vile. But it's not going to be easy. It would be a simple life.
It would't be good news 4any career hopes I may have, I even tho I've not exactly been chasing a career as yet. But having all that free time I could improve myself a lot by learning. I suppose if I wanted/needed to I could stop being her carer.
I need to find a job of course, whatever happens. Then we'll find a flat. How long will this all take? And we still don't know mum's prognosis regarding the liver cancer, but her pneumonia seems to be improving.
And how will I meet anyone, living at home? I'd like to do classes but can I afford them? It wouldn't be so bad if I could live with mum and work lots to save money, but I won't have much money to do anything, let alone save.
You're wanting freedom on one hand, but you're needing to contribute to her well-being and nurture her back to health on the other. You're wanting to love and protect her. Guessing your soul would be @ rest for obeying its call to stand by her.
There's a counter-cultural idea I love & invoke often: 'If it doesn't suck, we don't do it!' That is, we do what that Deep Down Feeling orders us to do even if it involves sacrifice, pain, hardship, or inconvenience-trusting our heart & InnerGuide
As for the other stuff, it will follow. I think you'll attract good men & repel the self-centered ones. Your action says: 1. she's a woman with a strong moral code; 2. her guidance comes from within; 3. she's loyal to those she loves;
4. she's a nurturer; 5. she's strong and won't back away from life's difficulties; 6. she protects her family; 7. she's emotionally mature- it's not all about her; 8. she's spiritually wise- she listens to what love dictates and not to what fear says
On another note, I'm happy to know she's getting better and that this is even a possibility.
Mums do get on our nerves, but then again, who doesn't? If we live with them, I mean :) It is a difficult decision, but Love1 is probably right about attracting the right men. I'm happy, too, your mum is feeling better. Big hugs, lovely Binky
Love certainly has you figured out, Binky. You are amazing, but you just keep proving it over & over again. I trust you'll make the right decision no matter what we say. You always figure it out. Glad your mom is feeling better! 💚
Also happy to hear she's improving, at least somewhat! This sounds like a difficult decision! What is the other option for her? Will she be ok if you were not her live-in caregiver? If so, it is not selfish to think of your own future...
You laid out the negatives quite well...it would be a big setback on a career and growth, and easy isn't really your goal at this point, I think. But you have to think of her, I know...
Thank you future husband, for your continued support :) what a catch I've found ;)
Thank you Alicia, you're right, cultivating and nurturing meaningful relationships is very hard. My mum tests my patience even over the phone. I'm hoping I can find a calmer, more accepting note. Big hugs x
Thank you Manda :) you're a breath of fresh air 💚
Your comment really cheered me up Manda x
Thank you Jeff, there are a couple of other scenarios that come to mind. I could live close by, but not in her home, and visit her. She would have support from social services, who do a very good job of taking care of her, but of course can't keep
an eye on her 24/7. She doesn't take very well to the cleaners that sometimes come in, but they all do the best they can. When her health gets very bad, she may need to go into some sort of end of life facility...
Or I could do my best to look after her, which she may prefer, however I'm not sure how I'd cope of she got really sick and needed help with toilet, washing etc. That could be a real test.
These will be the last few years I have with mum (well, of course I can't say exactly how long but a few years is a guess). So yeah, I'll see what she says. Something tells me she will like the idea of living together.
Want some unashamed passion in my life 🐎🛀💋💥🍆🍑 😇
No shame in passion when love is there- love for life & love for the light that shines inside oneself and in the other.
Shame I don't see any 'suitors'.
Yes Love, I want to find that connection with someone.
I'll find a suit, B. That makes me a suitor. *extends a bouquet of a bamboo. Marry me :)
Ooh, bamboo! I do!
Lets eat bamboo and make beautiful panda cubs all night. We'll save our species from extinction in no time!
We'll break out of this moody zoo, and make our own way back to the forest to live our lives in nature. Give our cubs the best possible start in life.
sounds like a plan. :)
if the first cub is a girl, how about we name her Changchang and if its male, I was thinking Zhang Wei?
I love your plan! 😊
OMG - Panda wedding! :) there ought to be one some time....Just catching up and sorry to hear about your mother. Great that you've already begun therapy; It's such an important time to have support and a safe place to talk. Been thinking of you- look
after yourself. BTW did you enjoy Steppenwolf? Like Hesse a lot and it's perhaps the perfect time for you to discover him
Yay! *throwing rice in the faces of Binky and Love1* LOL love you guys
I like the sound of the names, Love, my dear Panda fiancé. I love the tiny ring you got me, it's made from a small curved shoot of bamboo. How thoughtful! I must be extra careful not to eat it. Though, if anything did happen, we could grow another one
As for the wedding, I was never one for extravagant, costly weddings, however I wouldn't want to disappoint any of our dear pandas, so how's about we let pandas come as they please, but have a BYOB policy (Bring Your Own Bamboo)?
Don't forget my invitation! 😊
You ladies are getting a wee bit carried away. LOL! Anyway, thinking about honeymooning on Jade Dragin Snow Mountain. Can't wait to hold your furry paws in mine and nibble your ears.
Clouds in the mist. Collect qi. The white crane spreads its wings. Hand strums the lute. Penetrate the fog. Hold qi. Butterfly shakes wings. Grab the tiger's tail. We're coming, Changchang! Pour qi in and shake the body. Welcome moon. #pandaLove
Yes I am getting rather carried away, do you think I'll have to tell my shrink about my Panda fantasy? Lol. Of course, all you lovely pandas are invited, if be thrilled to have you here on our special day! Including you dear Manda, you can be my Panda
*I'd. my Panda Maid of Honor! Hi Cindy, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Therapy came quickly, as a bit of a surprise, one day I was sobbing into my ex foster mum's arms and someone from the palliative care centre stopped and asked if I'd
Aw, Binky! You bring me to tears to bring me your maid of honor. I wish Pandas could find such happiness. 💚
like to come in and have a cup of tea. Very lucky indeed, I had no idea they did free counseling and that I was eligible. I'm so glad you know Hesse, I thought Steppenwolf was highly enjoyable and cathartic, I'm looking forward to reading his other works
Alicia, I love you too and thanks for the rice! How very apt, rice; the humble simplicity of it, it represents our daily sustenance (not forgetting or favorite bamboo, of course!), health and nourishment, there is virtue in the simple life.
My dear Love, how very poetic indeed! I'm yours. Jade Dragon Snow Mountain sounds positively magical... *Panda swoon*
If I may drop the mask of humor & playfulness, there is pure love & admiration in my heart for your beautiful mind & lovely spirit. Your zest, adventure, and thirst for life as well as your strength of character shines through. What's not to love?
Thank you, dear Love, your comment made my day. Thanks for your genuine & honest nature...I have a pure admiration you too. Now I just need 2work on soaking up genuine comments like this, rather than letting stupid ego invalidate them. Huge hugs.
PS. Sorry for late reply.
Sounds like my busy, Binky!!💚
getting some insight and clarity it seems.
Very interesting indeed, thank you for sharing this here. Food for thought for me, definitely.
The entire future is so overwhelming! Break it down...maybe drawing it out will help with that. And maybe it's hard to do it with your mom's situation (although it might be a welcome distraction too). It also should be exciting!
Did you? Get a large sheet of paper i mean, could be helpfull..
So true, Jeff. I didn't get one just yet, Silke x