I'm feeling kinda weird, but stable, I guess? Earlier I was worried, not sure how far away I was from not coping at all. Is it all just bubbling under the surface? Cleaning feels good... That usually = pent up emotions!
And when I took 150mg 5-HTP I definitely felt an immediate placebo effect, then after 15 minutes felt giggly and like I was coming up on ecstasy?! Then felt normal-ish? Very interesting.
if anything has happened with my auntie Jenny, and Ray (her husband) since I left. When they said, 'My colleague has been trying to find a contact number for you' I knew it was bad news. Turns out his condition has escalated, he's been acting aggressively
and he (Ray) had brought in some of her medication from home and gone into her room and turned off the light. The nurses turned it back on. His mental condition is getting worse... They asked if they can call me if anything happens (even in the
middle of the night), I said 'absolutely', though this is all a bit scary isn't it... Anyway I'm so glad I called. They might be getting the mental health team onto him, but they hadn't decided on a course of action just yet.
When I called they said he was still there, going in and out... In a way I'm glad this is happening, because this seems to be the only way he can get help - when he gets bad enough. Sad but true 😔
Another sad thing is, although I know their relationship had periods of abuse (definitely verbal abuse, probably some neglect, and perhaps even some physical violence), because they both have mental health issues I may never know the full extent of
it. It's hard to get to the truth when both sides are often fabricating stories from thin air. It is hard enough for me to deal with, I feel powerless... it must be hell to live it.
down the sink. He was clearly erratic and quite hyper. He eds having delusions, he told me not to listen to 'whispers' and had all sorts of ridiculous stories about us. He was even telling the nurse... I'm really worried now. This situation is unsafe
I told the staff what he did after they left. One of them seemed to blame him, seemed to think of him as the 'bad guy' but I really don't think that's true. He's just delusional and thinks he's doing the right thing.
I am scared hi
I'm scared he will turn on me, but I fear I'm the only person who might have a shadow of a chance of helping him. I hope he doesn't get paranoid against me. Jenny isn't in ICU anymore but she's very sick. The nurse said she won't be able to go home
because she is seriously ill, they said a hospice would be more likely. I know her husband would hate that, but it needs to happen. This situation is broken. Like this family...It always has been. I hope my auntie didn't overhear too much when the
nurse spoke with me. Because after I think she was uncomfortable and she wanted me to leave. She probably knows something is wrong. I should've asked the nurse to talk outside. But I don't think she's mad at me, I hope... I'm just trying to help 😰
And what makes it awful is she can't really talk properly. Also I'm dealing with my grandma's estate, it's my job to give my auntie and mum their inheritances but my auntie seems close to death and her husband is unstable. I fear he will waste the
money or at best, it will all go on her care (only when she has almost nothing left will the state pay). Just like what was happening with my grandma. It's awful. I fear I can't cope with this responsibility.
I really want 2do this, I don't want 2shy away from it all, I want 2do the best by everyone. I really don't see an alternative? Now I know how worried my grandma must have been when writing her will. And yet a f***load of good that did, didn't it? /s
It's so hard because my uncle was doing so well, and now he's struggling, and I know what he can get like when he gets bad. And my poor auntie can barely communicate. I don't know what she's thinking. But I must not fear their scorn, if I earn it by
trying to do the right thing. This whole situation is triggering for me. Growing up in a family riddled with mental health issues, with one elderly, sane person around, but one whose knowledge wad lined and who struggled 2cope with it all (RIP gran)
*One whose knowledge was limited
I could go on and on... It's so complicated. I think I need to get home and write all this down just to get it out of my head and try to make sense of it all.
I'm so sorry, that sounds like a seriously tough situation. I hope writing it down will bring you some inner peace and clarity and that everything will eventually turn out well for everyone involved.
Though day, bigh hug!
Oh my goodness, poor Binky! That is A LOT to deal with. Do you have anyone else to help you? I really admire that you're not just turning your back to the schizophrenic behaviors. My dad had paranoid schizophrenia & wasn't part of my life until I...
...found him in my early 20s. He was heavily medicated, but the symptoms still showed. I know it must be scary with not knowing what he'll do next. I, too, hope writing everything down helps with this unbelievably tricky situation. *big hugs*
Thank you dear Ly! Huge hugs *squeeze*
Thank you my darling Manda xx luckily, I do have my ex/flatmate (well technically he's letting me stay at his flat for free at the moment), his name's George. He's also a very good person and smart. He doesn't have much experience with mental health
but I do have a friend who works in a mental health outreach team, who is lovely. Her name's Rose, I can pick her brains about mental health stuff and we can hang out. So I'm lucky I do have supportive friends.
It's like they say, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. I'm sorry you had problems with your dad, too. I didn't meet mine but he was messed up as well xx
Thank you lovely Silke... An interesting day, indeed..! Massive hugs back x
I'm too scared to watch that show!
Totally can't focus at all. I'm gonna buy some 5HTP and other supplements today to see if they can help with this low mood/depression/sleep issues/focus
Ah I feel you, the magical 30. I have even less time left than you and I'm not looking forward to it because I can't imagine a different life than the one I have now. But I don't want to spend the next 30+ years like this.
Thank you Ly R, your comment really resonated with me and made me feel understood. We're in this together *hugs*
I was told by both my Mom & the lady that prescribes my meds that the 30s are where it really gets good. I'm 36 now & would have to agree. Maybe you guys will be surprised!
I hope so Manda, though I don't want to get my hopes up! I'll only disappoint myself. HAHA 😂 oh dear.
I wish I was allowed to do something I'm fed up not being able to do anything at the moment
Ali I would gladly swap with you 😁 I really can't seem to do much at the moment...
Give yourself a break, Busy Binky! You deserve a day of watching TV all day! xx
I dreamt I was in a store and a (German?) family all had the same bag as me, the dad thought I'd stolen his, started opening my bag. Then his son took it, I got it back.
There were lots of elevators. I ended up in a city. A truck exited a site with metal ropes attached to the back, which were attached to something else. It turned the corner (they're was built scaffolding on the road) and these ropes tensed and
it kept forcing it, then it broke free. Then I was looking at the map names, there was an 'England Street', 'British Street' etc. Next I was driving across a bridge, skipping the small streets underneath me.
Then somehow I was in a housing area, in my bed which was huge, and almost vertical but they're weren't really any walls. My made up new boyfriend came to visit, then we went out and he asked which boat I'd like to go on (like a boat trip).
The housing area was in the English street area, because it was full of English. I struggled to choose a boat, one was light but mostly closed in with just those little round windows, but it bounced along (like really high?!) which looked exciting.
Wow, I never remember so many details of my dreams :D
There was another, this one wasn't white, but green, with very narrow body, but w/ tall masts: looked like it would fall over easily, it even had sails?! Very strange.
I want sure about these boats, I was undecided, it looked like my bf might help me choose one. But then we were looking at cars, there was some sort of unofficial car selling meeting, an older woman had me looking at her white compact car with beige
interiors, it looked in very good condition and fairly stylish but not flashy. It even had a huge speaker/sub fitted seamlessly into the back passenger seat. Good on you, gran?! Lol. There were loads of black buttons on the central console, too many
for my liking. Anyway it turns out my boyfriend's car was being taken for a test drive by someone else so she couldn't look at it right now. Strange. That's all I remember right now.
I am always amazed at how many details from your dreams you remember! A dream journal is a great idea. And it also reminded me of our gratitude journals. Weren't we supposed to start those?
Yeah I think I remember them more when I snooze! Oh my gosh Manda, we did say we would do gratitude journals didn't we? I totally forgot 🙈 ok I'm starting mine tonight, when I get in, and putting a reminder on my phone x
Ok, I'll start mine tonight too. Three things, right?
Yeah 3 things. I did mine... Did you do yours? 😝
I did mine! Even found the journal I had used for it before. Grumpy now, but I will still be able to come up with 3 things despite BF & daughter's meanness to me. 🙄
That's great 😃 I just wrote mine on my phone lol. I guess that will do until I can find my gratitude journal. I know where it is, just too unfocused to get it today. Now it's time for me to come up with another 3 things...let's go! 💪
PS. Getting through the meanness to the good s**t is the hardest bit. I commend you for that one xx
You can list what you don't have, too: paralysis, poverty, blindness... we're not refugees, we've never experienced civil war, etc.
True that x
Wow, I never thought of taking that angle, Love. There are so many to be thankful for!
What is BCS?
Better Call Saul 😋
Ahh! Haven't started watching that one yet, but it's in queue. I love him!
Me too, Manda. He's funny and immoral. Just how I like my men 😂
Oh, Binky. I wish we could be friends in real life!
If I ever move across the pond I'll let you know, then we can share bad dating tips and other questionable advice. And watch shows until our eyes pop out 😂
Sounds good, Binky, but we need to keep our eyes & be THANKFUL for them! 😉