I KNOW I will not want to live anymore but I am going to exist somehow with this pain.
Sounds like you are going through a really tough time. Call a helpline or speak to a friend or family member about how you are feeling. Wishin* you all the best.
Wow, HF, I don't know what this time is, but I am so sorry! I will be sending you my thoughts and prayers and all the strength I can. You are not alone...people care about you and want to help you through tough times! *Huge Hugs*
I'm so sorry, HF - sending love and strength, will keep you in my thoughts. xx
<3 <3 all the hugs!
I am sorry that things are so bad for you. I hope it will get better...
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time, H F. I'll be thinking of you. xx
Thank You my Panda Friends
Like punishing myself like cutting a finger off.
I know this sounds strange and I am aware this is not normal but I really want to.
I don't want to be here anymore
H F can you seek help urgently? Your doctor or a helpline? Please don't harm yourself. You are too special.
Really hoping you are okay. Thinking of you xx
I hope you are ok, H F. You definitely need to call someone when you have those feelings. There are people that can help. Thinking of you! 💖
Lots of love your way. You can hold on ❤️
Thinking of you, HF. Hope you're OK!
Thank You Noel, You are very kind. I survived
Thank You Tasha and Michelle, Hugs
Thank You Cindy, I am okay at the moment, Hugs
Great H F I am glad you are safe. Please do seek help that may prevent you feeling so low in the future. Best wishes, Noel
Thank You Manda, I am okay at the moment, Hugs 💛
Thank You DesBear, I managed to hold on, Hugs, lots of love my Friend
Thank You Dear Jeff, I am currently okay, Hugs
Awesome that you managed to resist the urge during a moment of intense suffering and desperation. As strong as the urge was, something stronger resisted and demanded restraint. Something to celebrate.
Thank You Love, I pray that will continue
Me, too. Next time the urge comes, as it may, you will have had this positive experience- knowing that it will pass. Perhaps you can embrace this part that wishes to do self harm. It is the part of the self that is suffering and needs compassion.
Yes... maybe I can learn to so I can survive. My self compassion has taken a nh
huge dive and I am struggling to feel like I deserve anything.
The ego, or little self, tries very hard to protect what it thinks needs defense. It is sincere, but it is assuming a function it cannot perform. If you seek guidance from ego, you will continue to suffer. The suffering, however, may be for your good
For when we have had enough and feel defeated and are humbled and receptive, thirsting for something else, desperate for something else, willing to let go, we grow out of suffering
The little self does not know the way, but your Inner Guide does. The little self is not author of reality, but the author of misery. Acknowledging its limitations and ignorance, with compassion, is a step forward.
If you direct your attention to your breath, you can control it to a degree. Ask your little self to hold it indefinitely- it cannot. You did not create the breath, your lungs, the diaphragm, the brain that sends the signal to the diaphragm to contra
Yet this amazing function continues automatically. If little self had to perform this function, it might try to be the best or create a breath that was prettier or worthier or deserving. Breath is one of many functions that occur automatically:
Heartbeat, ph balance, digestion, cell replication, oxygen exchange, immune function are others of many. At this level, there is predictability, stability, harmony. Ego had NOTHING to do with this not with the perfect composition of air, water, soil,
which sustain life, the perfection of the solar system, galaxies, universe or, @the sub atomic level, the laws that govern quarks. Yet, ego has dominion over mind & the experience of mind, which it does not rule well. We can relieve it of this burden
I trust that the Universe does not need my help. I surrender to the Mystery that created me. I cannot fathom it's understanding, but I trust it. Retiring ego,
Thank You Love
Your spirit is truly SAFE and ok. Wishing you peace
to feel relief. I have had an urge to self harm this way but never have done it. I didn't even know that other people actually did this.
It's just a thought. We all feel bad time to time- hopeless, defeated, aimless... (I feel like some uplifting music should go here followed by something inspirational), but id rather give you a hug. A real one.
Thank you very much love, I need one or probably many. Yes it is just a thought but unfortunately it has predominated and I fear this will only continue. I wish I could save myself but not sure I can.
I mean Love with a capital
The future is really intimidating. It's vast and scary, and we can't help but project our present on the future and assume it will always be this way. Sometimes, the future is so scary I get panic attacks thinking about it.
But it's sort of irrelevant. The future will happen, and we cannot predict if we'll be unhappy or happy or hungry or sleepy or what. We can really only take the present. Sounds like this present is really hard right now.
And you want a way to get through it. I can understand that. But don't worry about the future so much...just get through now.
In addition, there are tons of links online about self-harming and ways to fight the urge, if you have a moment to search. I know that's not easy...
Thinking of you, my friend, and sending you as much strength as I can muster for the difficult now.
in case you need to chat www.imalive.org
The above is all excellent. One moment at a time. It WILL pass and you can work on yourself again with a clearer, more rational mindset.
Dark, dominant thoughts do have a strong pull on consciousness and are not easy to let go. I wrestle w/resentment, bitterness, disgust, anger and other emotionally charged thoughts. The majority of my 0-5 scores are attachments of this nature.
They are judgments, evaluations, interpretations of fluctuating, variable states that have a denseness to them. They disturb our peace, but are often heavy and not easy to cast off.
Through meditation, reorientation, redirecting of attention, need identification or other skillful means, we CAN disentangle ourselves. So, when you say 'Wish I could...' know that it is possible. (Triumphant music).
So sorry to see you are feeling this bad, dear H F. I don't really have anything else to add because other Pandas did such a good job of it. Sending you lots of love & real hugs. 💖
Thank You dear Jeff, you make a lot of sense. I promise to try that's all I can do. But I fear that I am not strong enough maybe for this world. Love and Hugs
Thank You dear Love, yes I agree on an intellectual level but emotionally sometimes a person reaches a stage where it becomes hard to help yourself through. But I will try. Love and Hugs
Thank You Valeria
Thank You John N, Hugs
Thank You Lydia, John T, Tuxi and Richard, Hugs
Thank You dear Manda, Love and Hugs
Happy new year, HF!
Happy New Year. May 2018 be filled w/blessings
lief vir jou vriendin. gelukkig nieuwjaar xxx
Happy New Year, H F. Lots of love. 💖
Happy new year x
Happy New Year x
Hi, HF! Always nice to see you here, but sorry to see so low a number. :( Hope you're doing ok! Sending you hugs and strength!
Thank You All, Hugs back
effort to find out how others are and that Pandas sincerely care. May you attract the same consideration you extended to me. Hugs <3
Aw, HF, glad you posted again! I miss you and your posts. MP is a weird place. People disappear without notice or warning, and we all worry. But I know it's a place that people use for themselves more than for others. And sometimes...
...you have to go do other things. But I've been hoping you're doing ok! Sorry to see only a 3. We're here for you should you ever need us. And know even if we don't post or reach out, we care!!
Good to hear from you, H F even though I am sorry to see it's a 3. Hope things start to look up for you soon & that you'll stick around if you feel up to it. No pressure though. Pandas are always here! 💖
Relieved to know youre ok, even if not ok ok.
Missed you around my lief Afrikaans vriendin
am concerned increase will make me even more tired and I am already an exhausted person. When I first went on ads, I could barely get out of bed and slept a lot. I still do so I feel I can't afford to be any more tired. Been under constant stress.
I'm sorry you're this low. It's a tough decision. Can't you switch to other ads that make you less tired?
So sorry you're feeling this bad, H F. I have Esther's question. Have you tried switching to a different antidepressant? Sometimes you gotta go through a lot to find the right one for you. I'll be thinking of you. 💚
H F, I am thinking of you my dear Panda friend x
Big Hugs HF <3
actually complimented me on my singing. And it's not like I play music or sing along with it often in the presence of p at all. Was/am quite hurt (I actually felt it in my chest) and extremely disappointed. I have to listen to p's music constantly.
It's these kinds of things that make warning bells go off.
Hello and Thank You my Panda Friends. I was very hurt but managed to express my disappointment calmly and not too emotionally. P realised how awful what He said was and apologised genuinely and so I forgave given the sincerity of the apology.
I can sense P is reflecting more and genuinely wanting to be better
I'm so glad to hear that P was genuinely apologetic 💕
Sounds like the voice of depression. What's it expressing? There's uncertainty, a search for meaning perhaps? Behind the words of defeat, am I hearing a need to be affirmed, a call for love maybe?
You're not a failure at everything, H F. You are amazing! It does sound like you are experiencing deep depression though. Are you on meds? Maybe need adjusted. If not, consider. ***al thoughts are not to be played around with. Thinking of you. xx
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, H F - you're definitely not a failure, no matter how things feel. Some wise thoughts from fellow Pandas. You're in my thoughts xx
Sorry you're so low, HF. Sending you strength...
HF sorry to hear you're not doing too good. In your last post you had written your first action would be to increase your ADs. Do you think that might be an option at this point in time. Hope you're feeling a little better soon. Thinking of you xxx
Hope you are ok, H F. Anxiously awaiting you checking in here. Thinking of you! 💚
Please take care. Big Hugs
Thank You my Lovely Friends, I appreciate You so much, I think if I ever get bad my first line of action would be to increase the AD
Thank You Stephen, I will try, Big Hugs
You're welcome. I think you are right, increasing AD could be a crucial first step. Hugs x
In between the lines, am I reading needs for rest & space, maybe understanding & consideration?
Forgiveness I sweet!
and then I don't want to do it. It's like I can never have a whole semi- happy day without someone wanting to take away what tiny bit of joy I may have
Thank You Natalie <3
Yes Love (always sounds funny, lol) that is correct. Fortunately my partner realised this and he apologised genuinely. Given His sincerity, I forgave.
Thank You Tasha, Binky, Jeff and Rorschach. Hugs X 4
Thank You Cindy <3
Thank You Reba, Hugs
Thank You Manda, Yes it was good and thank You for the compliment, Hugs <3
Thank You Richard, Hugs
Thank You Love, Yes it can be, I don't tend to forgive easily I must say
Thank You A V :), Hugs X 3!!!
I'm glad he realized & forgave. My BF never does that. You're doing perfectly well, H F. Don't let him tell you differently. <3
Big hugs HF<3
So sorry, H F. You should be concerned about health first & foremost. Let the other worries drift away. <3
Sometimes you just run out...you have to recharge. It's ok to coast on empty for a while. You'll fill up again! Hope you feel ok, HF!
Double hugs for you, H F. Hope you feel better soon. <3
Lots of love, H F xx
Love you HF hang in there!!!
doing much because of it. May have to visit Doc again to test thyroid function. Thinking of You all.
Relief it's over. The exhaustion is there. May you get relief from that too.
So glad it's over. What a weight off your shoulders. xx
That's good to hear, HF. Hope you feel better and get to relax and recoup!
I have Hashimoto's, too! It is a pain! Feel better <3
Have a good rest, dear H F xx
Rental inspection soon, yuck. No doubt the cleaning is going to make my breathing worse :(.
So sorry to hear, H F. A rental inspection would cause me anxiety. I'd come help you clean if I could. Apparently I don't clean my house enough so surely I have extra time to help with yours! Really hope your breathing returns to normal too. That...
...sounds scary. xx
Rental inspection sounds like crap. I'd wish you didn't have to do that every time. I'm sorry you're feeling very low. Is there any medical treatment for your trouble with breathing?
I empathise with you about the rental inspections - and with your breathing problems that's extra nasty. Thanks for your support when you're feeling so down, lovely H F. Hope you feel a bit better soon xx
Thank You my Panda Friends, Hugs X 9
Thank You Rorschach - no I hadn't read it, sorry. Thank You very much, I will make contact.
Thank You Manda, Yes I really don't feel up to all the tidying and cleaning. Ah thank You for the kind thoughts and lol, people sometimes don't realise how much work housework is unless they are doing it!
Manda - Yes the breathlessness is distressing and uncomfortable and makes me quite tired! Which is not helping because I have a lot of tidying to do. <3 and Hugs
Yes it is Esther, me too! It's a very intrusive process and they even take photos of each and every room which I really find quite a violation of privacy. I do understand they need to show the owner but it's OTT.
Thank You Esther, Yes as You know depression sucks :(. I had this problem with breathing last year but then it went. I did go to Dr but He wasn't sure. If it continues I will have to have xray and tests. I think it is allergies causing asthma
Esther - I don't smoke... I think Our new oil heater might be giving off a kind of paint smell which might be causing it. I seem to be very sensitive since the fire, probably was exposed to irritants at the site, the smell was unbelievable
Thank You Desbear <3
Ah Cindy thank You, We're in this together :D! Hope You are feeling okay too <3
My lot take photos too - only one room each visit, but like you it annoys me, tho I can hardly say that!
Yes Cindy when You rent, it doesn't matter what We prefer, lol. But it is so intrusive! They are supposed to take a photo without getting the tenant's belongings in the photo if possible but they don't care!
Hmm if only you could find a cause so you can deal with it.. my brother has it sometimes as well and then he needs to use an inhaler but guess everyone is different. Is there any news when it comes to the insurance? Baie liefde vriendin
Yes Dear Esther Wish I could pinpoint the cause... Weird and disconcerting. No news, all the onus is on Us to list everything and cost everything as the lists of items in the house provided were very general and vague. Baie liefde na Jou my vriendin!
Anonmous! Thank You for the love and hugs, right back at You :D <3<3<3
Oh H F, I'm so sorry. Have you been able to tell those concerned how you're feeling? I know that's not easy. Thinking of you xx
Sorry, HF. I hope it's just a dip, a rut. I've been feeling that way too, and I'm trying hard not to let it get me down too much. Hope you find a way to pull out of it! *Big hugs*
I'm so sorry, H F. Like Cindy, I hope you've been able to talk to someone. I'm glad you're back on here. Pandas are always here for you. Once the issue of what outside information is shared, I'll let you know & give you mine. I've got your back. <3
Wow what an amazing and quick response from my Panda Friends!!! How lucky am I. I really count on Your support. Thank You SO much. Love and Hugs to each of You
Hope u feel better
Big hugs HF <3 thinking of you x
Sorry to read this. Wish I could do things to make you feel better but I guess that's not an option. Thinking of you and hoping you will find a bit of sunshine or light to cheer you up a bit :))
Sounds like you feel let down by those in your life :-( hope you can find someone to understand xx
That's tough. When our basic needs for acceptance and acknowledgment are not met ,it hurts. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that some people I love cannot and look elsewhere, sometimes within, for fulfillment
Thinking of you HF. Your always in my thoughts. Im sorry your feeling this way. Try and go for a walk n distract yourself from these thoughts. Huge hugs xx
Yeah, H F. I know you wanted to know how people got in touch outside of MP. Rorschach is kind enough to post his email. If you email him, he'll give you my email address & you can feel free to write anytime.
Wowies the Panda community is so beautiful sharing their love outside of MoodPanda. HF if you want someone else to be in contact with I am here for you. We've been keeping up with each other's lives for 5 years!! :)
last post. It takes effort and thoughtfulness to hug and especially comment, so a BIG thank You as I really appreciate it. I apologise for not responding as I was in a bad space and exhausted.
So glad you're feeling ok and not in as bad a space, HF. Always happy to see a post or hug from you. Keep helping yourself! That's the hardest but most important thing to do! *Big hugs*
Hey H F, great to hear from you. Keep on being awesome :-)
Never apologize for not responding, H F. Us Pandas sometimes go through really hard times & responding to each post can be overwhelming. We will love you no matter what. Look after yourself. I'll be thinking of you! xx
Don't apologise. We help each other when needed. It's normal and okay to be off for a bit. Just happy to see you around. Any progress on the insurance thing? If you don't wanna talk about it I understand. Xx
for being able to cope. Very little belief that that there is any hope for a true happiness for me. Always ready for the worst and little faith (now) in divine help because of experiences. A deep sadness and fear that remains hidden but lies so clos
close underneath and permeates everything.
Dear H F, your words are poetic. This is real... I hear you.
I'm so sorry that you feel this way. I wish I had something wise to say to make you feel better but I don't know what. I'm thinking of you though. Stay strong xx
Thinking of you, dear H F. xx
Lots of love
H F, love you lots. I know how you feel I think maybe you relate to lots of people on here. I certainly feel like that. I wonder if it's being on the AD'S? Since my dose has been doubled im depressed when I started. Hold on in there. Big hugs xx
My dear H F, hope you are feeling better by now. I know how these feelings can carry you away. You are strong though. Hold on tight & wait for it to pass.
HF I go to that place and I once lived in that place. There will be light for you
Justifiably. Not pay
Oops. I meant not Partner this time. Pretending that I'm not upset but it's been at the forefront of my mind the whole of last night and today. Confused and offended by what loved one implied
What a shame. But will do my best to overlook although quite difficult. Disappointed too.
Thank You for the Hugs, Hugs back
Sounds lovely, H F. I want one everyday too
Glad your partner is at least trying. I know it's hard to just get over it when they are doing nice things. Take your time.