...BF up, but daughter was already downstairs when I went to the bathroom. It's not like I didn't want to because, trust me, I could just be a never ending wave of 'happiness' due to mania. C'mon, who would turn that down?!
Sounds nice 😍 wish I was like that again, too. But it's too much for most people. Your BF is great 😁
Yep, I think I had forgotten exactly how nice it was. I told BF I need to rewind him 13 years to keep up! 😂
Well done :) Go Manda! x
Man, I think cutting out coffee may make me useless for a few weeks. I have been so sleepy lately, it's all I have to get through the day. Good for you, strong Mandabear!
Thank you, Natalie & Jeff. I don't know what's gotten into me, but it's like I actually care about myself! 😳 Thank you for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
I love whatever's gotten into you 😁
Aw, thanks, Alicia! It is definitely a welcome change!
Glad to see you had a good day! I want to play Fortnite, but I'm afraid I won't want to stop! :)
Jeff, I usually reach a point where I stop because I'm sick of being terrible at the game. Don't know what happened last night! Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
...keeping me from not committing su*c*de. He's probably right. That's the only thing that makes me feel normal (besides the vacation) & it obviously only lasts a bit. I said I wanted to quit because I rely on it too much, but he says if we lived...
...in a different state, I would definitely have an actual prescription for it. He's going to try & make edibles so the 'medicine' lasts longer. I was a mess when we got home. Didn't even look at our cats. He forced me to take the 'medicine' & then..
...I was totally fine. Hate my sh*t life here though. Mom says we'll work together to make the time until next summer better & that we'll try to come up with ways for me to make friends IRL. I'm going to ask my new therapist to help me w/ideas too.
You're lucky to have your bf and mom trying to help (even though it does sound smart not to depend on your 'medicine' too much!). It's always sad to leave a really good vacation, can easily trigger that kind of reaction. Hope you do better today!
Thanks, Jeff. I did 40 min of yoga (my Sis told me I looked good & she could tell I was getting fit!), I've already talked about many happy moments & how we'll pull together ALLLLLL of the awesome pics combined with all the pics my stepdad took &...
...pick only 8 for the cool picture frame my parents got for daughter to hang in her room, found out all my complaining has damaged my brain from a just published Stanford study & that I can't repair what's happened, just stop it from getting...
...worse, told BF he doesn't listen to me & only got told to stop arguing, cried because of the conversation I'm having with my sister, took my 'medicine', skipped breakfast, & brushed & loved on the cats. It's only 10:30AM.
I love my vape, it also makes the special medicine last longer because you can use the vaped stuff for edibles without having to cook it! Its the Sutra Mini. I think its the best medicine there is..
I'm glad you have the cats and your medicine...I don't know if your brain is damaged (they're awfully powerful, self-repairing computers after all) but then I suppose we damage our brains all the time. They keep working though!
Wtf?! I replied to this earlier! Des- I started vaping awhile ago. So much better! He's saving it & then will add fresh stuff w/it for the edibles. I'm super pumped! As long as I can get it, he's doing it Saturday. Thanks, John & Esther. Missed you!
Thanks, Love & Margot! 💞
...so long & have felt SO happy down there & how I'm afraid it'll all go back to *** when I get home. I got teary-eyed as we pulled out this morning but it only lasted a few seconds. Making great time & the only thing I'm looking forward to is...
...seeing our cats. We made lots of good memories & have TONS of good pictures to look back on so that makes me. We've all even started making plans for what we'll do when we're down there next time.
That's wonderful! Remember that these kinds of good memories are a great way to look back. Don't be sad that they're over. We can enjoy the past and look forward to the future but live in the now! Have a good trip home!
Thanks, Jeff. That is exactly what I need to do. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas.
Glad to hear you are having a lovely time! 😀
Thank you, Natalie. If my brothers & sister were here with us I feel like it'd be the best time of my life!
That sounds awesome. Happy for you
Thank you, Alicia. I had a feeling this would be exactly what I needed even though I fought it till the end. Fingers crossed I make it home & stay relatively sane!
Sounds like a perfect trip! I was running by the lake yesterday and caught the scent of suntan lotion and was brought back to happy times spent at the beach growing up. I miss the ocean so much...
Thanks, Jeff. We spent hours at the beach two days, did the night walk later, & a walk to say goodbye yesterday. We will miss it but my parents are going to keep checking on it to make sure it's still for us next summer!
Thanks for the hug, Margot. xx
...be next to Sis. Can't believe we still have all of today & all over tomorrow till we leave Monday morning. I know I won't want to. BF & parents getting along great. We're already talking about next summer!
Great to see green! Wishing you an enjoyable holiday. :)
...been a fear for many, many years now. I feel amazing being here! I've gotten a few seconds of irritability towards BF here & there, but it's to be expected. Beach today & tomorrow & then a walk along at night. No worries, Manda! NO WORRIES!!!
Definitely no worries, just enjoyment! 😊
Thank you, Lydia. It's 98% enjoyment. I about had a panic attack last night as we were listening to live music because I'm so nervous to wear my skintight dress tonight. Wtf?! I also cried my eyes out in bed last night. 😢 Thanks for the hugs! 💖
...therapy yesterday including a skin tight dress which I've never owned one of before. I've gained some weight. So much that I haven't weighed myself in a week because I'm scared. Nothing drastic, but obviously still freaks me out. I was trying...
...to celebrate my
...F*CK!!! I can't type here today. ANYWAY, I was trying to celebrate my curves when I picked it out. I haven't clothes shopped for myself in years. Daughter told me to wear the dress & “show of all my goods”. 😂
Ok, I weighed myself. (BF got a new scales that pushed data to an app for all of us. It freaked me out.) 115 lbs. Exactly 10 lbs up from the weight everyone thought was dangerously low. It's like I planned this perfectly. I will start losing again.
Why do you want to lose weight again after finally gaining some? ED stuff I don't understand? 😕
Aw, Manda, be proud of those curves! Show 'em off! :) You deserve that...and I hope you don't lose the weight. (BTW I was up at 4:15 this morning...4:30 sounds nice! :) )
Stay healthy. :)
Thanks, guys. I'll also be in the skimpy two piece swimsuit I bought. I had lost my mind! Lydia, yes, stupid ED stuff. I am hardcore bingeing in the middle of the night & I've never binged like that in the 20 year ED history. So ashamed. 😔 I just...
...want back at 110 lbs. It's so silly. Obsessing over a 5 lb difference. Maybe I'll get down there & feel confident in the clothes. My hope anyway. Jeff, that 15 minutes makes all the difference in the world, doesn't it? 😊 Thanks for the hugs. 💚
That confidence issue...that's the hard one. Most of us are not confident in our bodies, especially for someone facing ED issues. You need to hear all the positive things and force yourself to believe them! Good for you for trying!
I think your daughter's got the right idea. I don't feel confident in my body, as Jeff says, and I find that hard enough, even at my age - I can't imagine how tough it must be for you with the ED pressure as well. xx
So glad you guys are able to be honest with me. It does help to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I'm really starting to spaz now. I will be seeing my sister & you all know about her! Plus, I've always felt in competition with...
...her. She's a lot prettier than me & I've always counted on being skinnier than her. 😢
You are perfect NOW, Manda! Don't let the ED thoughts win - your weight is totally perfect. It's more about how you see yourself than the real need to lose weight
Aw, thank you, Anna. xx I'm going to the beach today so I'll really have to kick those bad thoughts out so I can enjoy myself. Thanks for the hug, Margot. 💚
...I've been wanting left alone, but am actually terrified to be left alone. No idea how I'll make it when they go back to school. Stupid psychiatrist left so I'm awkwardly back to the lady that that's handled my meds for the last 11.5 years.
That's not uncommon, I think. We get a kind of dependency on someone who we tell so much personal information to and get so much help from...it's like a loved one leaving us. But remember that other people can help you, and you're not alone...
...in feeling this way. They help they gave doesn't go away when they do. They helped you along a path, and even if they were more helpful than others, you are still further down that path than you were...
Thanks, Jeff. I think you're absolutely right. I was sure to express my deepest thanks to him & let him know the impact he's had on my life. He also reminded me I'm getting a whole new person's perspective on things which will be great! Thanks for...
...the hugs, Pandas. 💚
I agree with Jeff, you have moved forward & made progress. It's ok and normal to feel angry, upset & lost in transition moving from one health professional to another but give it time, things should improve and you can carry on moving forward x
Big hugs x
Thanks, Natalie. You would definitely be the one to know about switching health care providers, hib
...that was supposed to say “huh?” 😂 My nails are too long to type on a phone correctly. 😕 But, yeah, I have definitely come a long way. I let him know how thankful I was for getting me this far. Thanks for the hugs, Cindy & Des! 💕
It's hard being a parent... hell, it's hard being a human. Guilt and shame may help us self correct, then we can forgive ourselves and apply the healing balm of self compassion. We're all doing the best we can. Life's curriculum is not easy.
Thank you so much, Pandas. I should've known how much better your support would make me feel. I've apologized a1,000 ti
...times while saying I know apologizing to her & BF for every second of the rest of my life wouldn't be enough. At first she said she didn't care & then as I started crying again she said it's fine. No, I did not physically harm her. Thx 4 the hugs!
Thank you my sweet Panda friends. I know I'll sure as hell never do what I did while losing it, but I'm sure I'm still not actually done using it. BF said he appreciated my apology. Thx again. 💚
You guys make me cry. Well, I'm in super depression mode so one could say it doesn't take much, but the Panda Love is real! I can't say I've forgiven myself yet, but feel hopeful for the future. Thank you, my friends. 💖
You are not!
We all make mistakes, don't be too hard on yourself xx
Lydia is absolutely right. We all get stuff wrong and we're not defined by those things, especially when remorse and regret are present. Lots of love, Manda - you and your daughter can get through this xx
Your not terrible, everyone makes mistakes. It's how we move on & learn from mistakes that counts. Don't be too hard on yourself. Big hugs xx
Hope you find forgiveness from them and yourself soon. Big big hugs
Big big hugs, Manda! Whatever you did, I'm pretty sure it's so much worse in your imagination. I don't think she'll hate you. <3
...my psychologist just when I need to so desperately work through this. Meeting w/him & new therapist next week. Started an antidepressant & have something to take if I start to feel the anger building in the car to & from my parents'. Guttural...
...screams & TONS of crying yesterday. BF insisting I'm not allowed to worry anymore. It's so out of control. Everything out of my mouth is a worry or negative except the super duper hyper sexuality I'm experiencing. It's such a crazy change.
Wow, that sounds overwhelmingly exhausting. I'm really sorry, Manda. Wish I could do something instead of just wishing you strength, patience and a whole ton of luck and love! 💚 Keep fighting!
Thank you, my sweet Lydia. I need to come here more often. I forget how comforting Pandas are. I've been trying to spend less time on my phone to make BF happy, but even my psychologist said I needed MP. I finally made the jump & am trying new..
...meds even though he's been 100% against it because I just have to look out for myself at this point. MP is a part of that treatment. Thanks for the hug, Pete. 💚
Sorry to hear this, Manda - that's a lot to be coping with. Thinking of you xx
That's a lot to deal with, Manda. I hope your new therapist is able to be just as helpful, and I hope the meds will help! Thinking of you and sending you strength!
Aw Manda sending you big hugs and love 💚 sounds a very exhausting time! Hope the new meds work & your new therapist is good x just focus on taking care of you x
Oh my goodness, Pandas. You guys are truly the best. I'm so thankful to have each of you as a part of my life. I really do need to go into this new therapist positively. It's going to be so important. Of course, she's in a completely different...
...location than the building I've been going to for the last 11.5 years so I'll have major anxiety about that too. Thanks again, Pandas. Much love to you. 💖💚💖
Aw, that's sweet. This is obviously very important to him. I hope you both figure out how to work through your own beliefs together!
...my meds. And I only have 1 or 2 appointments with the psychologist I've been seeing for years left. Why did they do this at the same time? I hope I don't lose it.
That's terrible :( it takes so long to build trust with medical staff
They should have asked your opinion on moving forward if things were going to change. This like this can be so unsettling and stressful having to start again. I'm so sorry, sending you giant panda hugs xx
Can you request another one? Why do they even have to change?
Thank you, Natalie & Lydia. She didn't even tell me herself. I found out through the nurse when I called to get meds ordered. She told me she cancelled my upcoming appointment. I don't know why she switched me. My psychologist is retiring. I've...
...known about it for quite awhile.
Can't you choose your therapist?
Hope it's sorted in your favour soon
I can't choose my therapist because I go to a Mental Health Center. Well, I got to pick between 2 locations so I guess I kinda did. My psychologist said he was going to talk to her bcuz he didn't think they should leave at the same time. I don't...
...even want to see her. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
Have you adapted to your new one already? Or were you able to change? I can imagine how hard this situation must be for you.
I haven't met the new one yet. My psychologist is in charge of all the therapists there & chose this one for me so she must be the best they've got bcuz that's what he'd want.
Sounds like your psychologist cares and is sensitive to the needs of those he is committed to help. Guessing he will assign you to the right therapist.
Yes, Love, all those are exactly right. He said he'd twist her arm if she originally says she won't take me. If it's not that, I'll have to drive what to what is basically a whole new city to me. You guys know my driving anxiety!
Hmm...Seems unfair to me. You guys need to talk about this and make sure he is open for your sake. I understand the commitment to faith, but it's not fair of him to shut down any other point of view. :(
I agree with Jeff! She should have access to everything.
I agree with Lydia and Jeff! One family member's views shouldn't dictate the others. If he packed away any of your or shared books he's wrong. If he packed away his books he's allowed but being sour.
Be diplomatic though.
Thanks, guys. They were technically his books but he's said 'our library' & has mixed some of our books on the shelves. I was super duper upset about this. He apologized for being inconsiderate & has put them back on the shelf. Now I know that...
...that they 'bothered him' though. What must he think of me? He's said nothing has changed.
Tell him to forgive the contents! Bill Hicks famous argument against upsetting fundamental Christians 'then forgive me'.
That's good, John. Thanks for sharing that with me. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
God - an hour in a gown, for that?? Ugh.
I want blue glasses too
I hated it when my ex woke me up to have sex. I had trouble sleeping, so it was the worst idea ever. He kept doing it though because he was an abusive little ***. Sorry, I went on a rant there, your bf is obviously not like that at all.
@Alicia- My abusive ex did the same thing. With BF, this is usually our agreement bcuz I go to bed well before daughter most night. If he's going to wake me up, I want to hang out. Not just do it which I may or may not enjoy. My sleep is so f*cking..
...important! Thanks for the hugs, sweet Pandas. 💚