...obviously called my mental health center & was able to get an emergency appt w/psychiatrist this morning. He wanted to do Depakote which my oldest Panda friends may remember me having a bad reaction to & puking nonstop so I ended up in the ER.
Then he had the nerve to suggest Lithium again! You know, the one where I got severe Lithium toxicity & was hospitalized? No thanks. So here we are to day 1 at that place when they put me on Seroquel. I was either sleeping or a walking zombie the...
...whole time I was on it & I gained 50lbs! I said let's do it though. I need knocked out! BF cried yesterday over how mean I am to him. I wish he would understand it's my Disorder. I hate myself when I'm mean to him.
Sorry to read you're feeling awful about yourself :( Sending you hugs
I'm sorry Manda you must be going through a difficult time. I'm sure you're doing your best when it comes to your family. I was a zombie with seroquel as well and I fainted constantly. How are you doing now.
I'm so sorry Manda! Big hugs to you❤❤
Thank you, Pandas. I don't take my Seroquel until bed. They only had one pill left at the pharmacy so I have to go back tomorrow. I have a feeling I'll be WAY too groggy & drive them to school. Thanks for the hugs. 💚
...are driving down to visit my parents. BF says no way & that we could even look into going down twice a year as a family like it's supposed to be. Cry cry cry die die die. Not even drinking.
BF did give me a Klonopin. I won't remember any of this tomorrow. I asked for a sleeping pill but he refused. It's a really big deal that he gave me the Klonopin. He hates me taking those.
I have no one to talk to. I called my (ex)stepdad last night & made plans to visit & go out to lunch on Wed. I don't want to bother him again tonight. I texted my one internet friend that I have her number but she hasn't replied. I want to call a...
...helpline because I need help but I've done that before & they dispatched an ambulance & police. I snuck out of the apartment as they pulled up. BF REALLY doesn't want me to do inpatient but I've been on this Zyprexa steadily increasing the dose...
...for well over a month & I'm still completely f*cked. I hate this. Basically a year long episode now. I forget what it feels like to be stable & am afraid I'll never get to feel it again. I need help. I wish I had a friend who I could call. I'm...
...such a pathetic piece of sh*t. I truly hate myself. Disgusting sack of a royal b*tch that is useless & nothing but trouble. Opened a beer.
So sorry you're feeling so low Manda ❤ I really wish I could be with you, to let you know your not alone & to tell you how proud I am that your still here battling through the episode💪
Please take care of yourself, I really worry about you. & if you ever need a friend to talk to we can speak on Instagram chat or swap emails 💕 xx
Im so sorry you're feeling like this Manda! I wish I could hug you in person and tell you that you are a strong woman, you are a warrior! You are not useless and we love you! ❤
Aw, Manda, sorry you had such a hard night. I really hope that things are better in the light of today. I know it's hard to remember, but you were in the green not so long ago. It is possible to not feel this bad! You can get there!
It may not seem like it now, but you're such a strong panda! Sending you my strength!
First, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it sounds awful, and I wish I could help. Second, this is all very strange, why can't you go visit someone alone? Why can't you go to inpatient if you really need help, and it might help?
Is BF on a ***e watch with you, is that why he wants to be there? Sorry if this is too personal, you don't have to answer.
Manda. You are NOT pathetic. I'm sorry I've only just seen this post. You do have friends here and I'm happy to hear your stepdad is still in your life. We are here for you. Big, solid hugs
Thank you SO much, my sweet Panda friends. All your words mean so much to me. I wish I could give you guys real hugs. @Alicia No, not ***e watch. More like he's afraid I'll never come back because it's how I left my abusive ex twice.
Oh. Well, then he can't keep you on a leash, you're a grown-up woman. If he's not abusive he shouldn't worry, eh?
He's super insecure is what my psychologist said after years of discussing him in therapy. He really does keep me on a leash though. Only lets me leave for errands. If I'm upset & just want to go for a drive, he blocks the door & takes my keys.
...wouldn't be here when they got back if he didn't take me. Everything at the store repulsed me. Cried as a funeral procession passed. Cried while walking back from getting the mail. BF made me smoke an old joint I found. Of course I immediately...
...returned to a normal mood level after I did it. Hate that I depend on it so much but keep reminding myself that it wouldn't be a problem if I lived in a different state. Just a med.
Oh, I bought 4 new books in 2 different stores when I've been purchasing books strictly from Amazon for many years. Manic spending. Didn't even have enough of my own money. Used BF's credit card that l also have in my name. Not supposed to do that.
1,5 month is a great accomplishment and you'll get there again and then it'll be an even longer time. Relapses are normal, so don't beat yourself up. 💕
It happens. Now you can start again.
Lydia and Paul are absolutely right. Be kind to yourself xx
That's a great achievement 🏆 really proud of you Manda😊. Dont worry about taking a break or giving yourself a few days off then carry on with the good work xx
Echoing the comments about not beating yourself up. Lack of greenery can be so rough. ❤️
I feel crummy, too, when I indulge in an old habit I was trying to break. The pandas call for self-compassion and gentleness can be a balm to soothe the wound as we dust ourselves off and try again.
They say if you slip up you don't go back to square one because you've got all of the experience and tools still with you. And you can get back on track easier this time. Big fluffy hugs
Aw! You guys are THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!! Thank you so much. I can really be a little kinder to myself now. I stopped at four & drank three last night. BF had one so I have four left.
Hit enter too soon. I will try to limit it to two tonight & no more alcohol after that. I was hating myself with each sip.
Oh, no, that sounds terrifying… I wouldn't be able not to worry, either.
I hope they all do ok! Losing power is expected, I guess...hope that's the worst of it for them!
Thank you, Alicia & Jeff. 💖 Mom promises she'll keep me posted. Sis is conserving phone battery but checked in two hours ago & is ok. They are in Wilmington, NC & just a few minutes south of Myrtle Beach, SC. Not exactly the best locations for this.
Being around someone all the time really brings out those little annoyances. It's always uncomfortable to be called out for doing something that's socially unacceptable. Maybe not that he's denying it really, just feeling like it's a spotlight on...
...something that he shouldn't do. Sometimes I find myself reacting the same way, getting defensive. It's not a healthy response, but have patience is my only advice. Not that you asked for advice. Sorry...*Big hugs* Hope today's better!
Thanks, Pandas. I will cut him some slack next time.
If someone tells me I'm doing something inappropriate or disgusting I feel deeply ashamed and do my best to never do that again. I don't want to be icky. But some people just don't give a ***, I wonder how they do that :D
Remember you can have people who are polite and have perfect manners but sometimes they have a heart of stone, you can have people who have no manners and burp, belch, and chew with their mouth open and they have a heart of gold.
That said, take it easy and try and have some 'you' time.
Agree with Stephanie...don't need that in your life. Flat isn't so bad sometimes...I think a 5 for most days is normal and ok!
Good thing you told him to go away. I think we all have the right to even ignore abusive exes' texts. We don't owe them anything. Screw them.
Thanks, Pandas. 💖
Nothing to be ashamed of. When I'm at my parents I do this multiple times throughout the day. There's a reason I don't have it here. 😉
Do you enjoy it? Then don't feel guilty. Do you wish you didn't do it? Then keep it out of the house. Hard to resist the deliciousness of Nutella! (I love it with peanut butter...mmm...I want some now...)
I like to combine it with some slightly sour-ish berry jam. Sweet and not so sweet, it's great!
Don't give me more reasons to eat Nutella! BF ordered, like, a 130 pack of single servings of it. Hopefully a more controlled amount will be ok. New therapist told me it was no big deal at all. So much guilt!
Get well soon, Manda
Thanks, John, & thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
Consider little changes to eating healthier (not less)...one thing at a time. Healthy diet and being the right weight helps a lot with fighting sickness and mood too. I know it's not easy, but like everything, breaking it down can help!
Thanks for the tips, Jeff. I need to get back to eating my fruits & veggies. I did so well there for awhile. Thanks for the hug, Cindy. xx
I need to too, Manda. Been indulging way too much lately! Really feel it too...bah.
Cold and rainy here today! I already sorta miss summer!
Me too! Daughter is thrilled. Says she hates summer & is ready for winter. 😣
Aw, I'm sorry, Manda. :( I hope you find stability and peace...
Thanks, Jeff & Pandas. 💖
Did the psychiatrist mean it's generally bad, or in conjunction with your meds? (if you want to say, Manda) I know that you have found it helpful, so I can appreciate that's a pretty difficult thing to hear
It's definitely bad for some people (sends me psychotic and I start hallucinations after even just a little), but it's fine and really good for others, eg. Can be a cure for treatment resistant epilepsy, pain, all sorts...
Also, by Indian teas do you mean Chai? There are a lot of types of tea in/from India, so it doesn't narrow it down much... Assam tea is my favourite although I had a very nice Darjeeling earlier today mmmm....
Sorry to see you're down again, Mandabear! Big hugs!
Thank you, Pandas. 💖 Cindy- He said it can sometimes be bad for people with Bipolar Disorder & may not make the meds work properly. I've been self medicating with it for 15 years. It helps.
Sorry, John, I do believe it's just chai tea with it being all they offer. So yummy!
Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💖
Great outcome, isn't it?
Geodon sounds like a dinosaur.
Dinosaurs have been shown to reduce symptoms of lethargy, vertigo, blasphemia, jaundice, diarrhea, Hanta virus and hemmorhoids. I am NOT making this up!!!! I added exclamation marks to emphasize that I am NOT making this up!!!
I think Love is making that up. Everyone knows Geodon is one of the giant creatures that fights Godzilla. (Oddly enough, Geodon was known for his hyper sexuality!!!! I'm NOT making this up!!!)
What?!?!?! In a seminal study published in the prestigious Journal of Science, 2 Harvard researchers Crockett and Tubbs, found that merely watching Geodons grazing in a pasture reduced symptoms of blasphemia by 58.63% compared to controls.
In another study (Brady, Gronkowski, et al., 2014) researchers found that the saliva of Geodons was 20 times more effective in treating foot fungus than the leading topical ointments. Get your facts straight, Jeff!!!
Good thing my dinosaur companion sensed an elevation in my blood pressure. Geodon snuggles reduce outrage and indignation by 62.6%.
Top speed of a laded swallow is 76 Geodons per hour.
laden swallow :)
I'm pretty sure the Geodon is the monetary name for the country of Youbetastan.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 what the hell is worng with you guys?! Always gets a laugh though! 💚
The sunsets on Youbetastan are amazing!!!
Great news - you've worked so hard!
Aw, so happy to see improvement! Rooting for you! (Also, how sweet of you to get his coffee just right...those little things... Someday I'd like to have someone think of me to do things like that...)
Yes, that was considerate and kind.
Well done x
Aw! Thanks, guys! 💗
Get it girl! :) you're rockin it!
Good for you for recognizing that you're healthy and in good shape! Have to keep reminding yourself of that. Glad bf is helping! :) Hope today is a better one!
Thanks, BB & Jeff! Realized I shouldn't be freaking out at all bcuz it's gotta be mostly muscle. I still fit into my size 2s & old 120lbs Manda would already be in her size 4s!
Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
Well done Manda, so proud of you 🙂🏆 xx
Aw! Thank you, Natalie! 🤗
Yay for on track!
Thanks, Cindy! 💖 And thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
That's a good intention. Alcohol causes more trouble than the buzz is worth. Its a depressant. Recent meta-analysis found no health benefit to drinking even in moderation-contrary to popular belief.
Yep, saw that news also, Love. Not exactly what made the final decision, but definitely up the on the con side! I'm not even getting my one six pack a month. I want nothing to do w/the stuff
Thanks for the hug, Natalie! xx
I'm pretty sure they aren't thinking at all, Alicia. ☹️ Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
No surprise you're at 5, what are they thinking over there?
haha! Awesome sauce. Nice to sit out on a deck and enjoy the beauty of nature. I love to admire the trees. They are living beings, possibly sentient.
Sounds like a good day! 😀
Wow. Youve been a busy panda 😘
Thanks so much, my sweet Panda friends! It sure did feel like a perfect day. Felt so good about feeling good that I didn't stop to think that the bad times aren't all over yet though.
Aw, that's great, Manda! I'm so happy to see that positivity. Important to recognize that you're doing better. And remember, having an appetite isn't bad...just important to eat the right things. That helps your mood too! *Big hugs*
Starting to become very interested in Buddhism. Bought a book on anger by a Buddhist monk. Haven't read it yet, but I know I've been rehearsing my anger. Going to fix my problems.
Thanks, Jeff! I'd say the food I eat is fine. Had an unhealthy addiction to Nutella. Would have a spoonful of it in the middle of the night (which my therapist said is not a problem), but BF said we needed to take a break from it. 122lbs.
Thanks, Alicia. I haven't had anyone say that to me yet. Feels good to hear. BF & I will weigh the same in just a few more pounds! Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💖
I'm so happy to see you feeling better and determined to make further positive changes! My meds also make food taste better in a way, and I've gained a lot of weight, but it's under control now and shedding little by little. It's going to be OK!