...crossed. Thanksgiving coming up. BF's aunt texted to remind us. Dread. Will prob see BF's uncle who shot himself in the head & lived. Nervous.
Hope you got your meds
Oh, wow, he must be an interesting man, that one. The story he's probably got to tell about that shooting! But probably won't. Ahh, I wish I could interrogate him gently. Sorry, I'm too excited, aren't I? I don hope you have a good time and maybe
learn something fantastic from that guy.
Thanks, Cindy & Alicia. I wasn't able to get my meds till today again. Had to calmly freak out over the phone with them to get it sorted. I would love to talk to the Uncle. Won't though. Too much. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
...want to feel this kind of high though. Sitting in living room by fire with a cat at my reclined feet. Lots I should do but I don't want to move. Can't believe Monday is already close again. Blood work. F*cking 6 months of this ***?! Wtf? BF...
...said even people with some blood diseases don't have to be tested weekly. Already stressing about another complication picking it up on Tuesday. F*cking stop with the worries, Manda. Just chill.
It's worth keeping an eye on your blood work and taking care of yourself. After all, you need to be healthy to enjoy the benefits of the new medicine, right?
Yep, you're exactly right, Alicia. Thanks for helping me flip it around. xx Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
...actually marry & didn't say, could have kids with. That she'd be a good mom for Addy. I just think it's time. We are getting ready to adult because apparently there are just a bunch of miscommunications which SURELY must mean he just doesn't...
...want to do it every night. I told him I would any night so just tell me but I'm supposed to ask him too. I do 't have the intense urge to anymore & I'm pretty depressed so I'll never ask.
I haven't given him the letter yet. I will before I go to bed. After we adult. I told him he could *write* back.
Oh Manda...that's a big step. I hope it sparks honest and productive conversation with you both!
Good luck Manda, that must have taken a lot of courage & strength to write how your feeling. I hope things work out for the best for you & your daughter. 💚
Oh. Wow. Yes, Natalie and Jeff are right. I don't know what to say, really. Relationships are so ***ing hard. I hope it goes well, I hope you really talk, whatever the outcome.
Agree with all the wise Pandas above. Whatever happens, hope you feel it's the best outcome for you and Addy. Thinking of you xx
I gave him the letter last night. He went through it by point saying why it was wrong. I don't even remember all he said. They won't be better of without me; if I left he'd never remarry or it would be, like, 10 years later; I grew into being his...
... best friend as his other friends drifted out of his life; we do have stuff to talk about like video games, politics, & basketball. I cried so hard & for so long. I kept saying how I just can't do this anymore (Bipolar episode) & that I want to...
...give up. I'm so tired. I just feel like I can't handle things much longer. I just want to sleep until life goes back to normal. It's supposed to but it sure is taking a long time & then there will just be another episode around the corner. I'm...
...not even 40 years old. Lots lots lots more of this *** in my future.
Oh, Mandy, dear, I'm so sorry you are feeling this sad. It is exhausting. But one couldn't bare to loose you, I'm sure, you are one of the sweetest, kindest and most insightful people I know. If you're anything like me in the cray-cray department,
you're probably more tired of yourself than of those around you? I hope you both feel better now. Hugs; lots of love.
Aw! Alicia, that's the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Thank you. 😘😘😘 I bet you are right on the more tired of myself bit. He kept the letter & I wished he didn't but it's his letter. Things seem fine now. Thanks for the hugs! 💖
...when I REALLY need someone other than BF to talk to. He said a lot of stuff that made me feel better. He said I should stop resenting my Mom & just move on. He told me how he remembers the day we loaded up the trailer with what we could...
...fit & there wasn't enough room. We had to open the bookes & find even more to cut from the move. My (ex)stepdad said he will never forgetting me wailing as we pulled away. He said he knew then that I was in for a very long life of troubles. 😢
Thinking of you Manda, take care xx
Thank you, my sweet Natalie. xx Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
That's so sad. If only someone could have really been there for us when we were little, eh? I think about that sometimes, too.
Yep, you are completely right, Alicia. Now I am learning to be there for myself. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
...course, they sent the refill order to my main pharmacy, not the new one that I'm supposed to only get this new med from. Had to call. Waiting for return. I am sooo stressed with this! Somehow, i didn't let any of it get me down. Maybe I put out...
...an extra positive vibe because more people spoke with me & several even specifically about my hair. More smiles than usual too. It was happy. Crazy jealous feelings. That chick I made BF get rid of on IG invaded my mind. I eventually ended up...
...seeing who follows him (I honestly wasn't thinking of her. You guys know I would admit to that) & there she f*cking was! I went STRAIGHT to him & only at a slightly raised voice & on the edge (but not quite!) hysterical, I said I thought he...
...deleted her. He thought he did. He pulled it up right there & she had requested to be his friend! She has over 200 friends. How the hell did she realize she wasn't following him anymore? I'm friends with her (because during the initial spaz over..
...this, I added her to see exactly what pictures he had been looking at. Um, psycho! But, yeah, he hasn't been on there in a long time so it's not like she saw his name somewhere. Agh!! Super stressin & obsessing. I know it's not real but f*ck if...
...it doesn't feel real! He declined her request. Still obsessing. Psychiatrist said once we get the episode under control, he may have a med we can try for the obsessive thoughts! Can you imagine?! I OB-F*CKING-SESS over EVERYTHING!!!!
Poor Manda. That sounds super stressful! I hope you sort out your meds and that this girl backs off! xxx
I hate when hugging feels insufficient but I can't think of anything remotely helpful to say. Just know that I'm rooting for you and sending you strength, Mandabear!
Thanks, KT & Jeff! Mom calmed me down & said she probably saw him through those add a friend of a friend thing.
Oops, too soon! I feel better. Had to talk to regular pharmacy twice & haven't even been called back by the nurse, but script has been transferred to *special* pharmacy. 🙄 Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
Big hugs Manda xx
I dunno what to say either, except I love you, stay strong! It's great you are so aware of things even when you're obsessing and almost hysterical (in your own words). That's fantastic.
I'm glad they transferred it Manda! Your Mom had a good point too! xx
Aw! Thanks my sweet Panda friends! You guys make me feel happy! Anna- I'm glad I've gotten to a point where I'm well aware of all the symptoms of my disorder so I know what's going south when. Thanks for hugs, Pandas.💖
^^^ Great you know your signals! 🙌🏽
....with more than one shower a week. Gotta DRINK MORE WATER. I used to be a pro at getting my water in for the day. So, yeah, step one: take meds; step two: drink a *** ton of water; step three: pick up meds; step four: see psychiatrist; step...
...five: see therapist; step six to hopefully a long time from now step who knows what: live. Yikes. I feel like I can't handle it all. They'll probably put in in the hospital if I can't control things on my own. Only almost done with week two. SIX..
...MONTHS of this ***. Omg, guys. What the f*ck am I gonna do? Yeah, forget step three & edit the rest: get blood work every Monday!
...had a GFUEL yet. BF always says to have them first thing. I won't drink them if I'm in bed though because I'm afraid of spilling it on the comforter. I just want to sleep for, like, a week straight. Better f*cking be getting my Clozapine today.
...put in non-pj clothes when I go out in public (most of the time anyway & this is only the depression showing), & with a blanket so just generally comfy. New med is starting to really hit. Very tired most of the time. Have a feeling I'm going...
...to get to the point of naps. I already fight the urge. Tomorrow is the last day of Fall Break. I hope the adjustment isn't too bad. My 10 day of no weighing was up today. I've lost 5 lbs! Now at 125lbs. Can't get wrapped up though because of new..
...med. Gotta stay healthy. This is hard.
Stay strong Manda. Do you think these meds help you? PJs and blankets and cats are the best company
Not helping yet, Esther. I'm starting at a very very very low dose & it's supposed to take weeks until I can notice a difference. I guess it is helping me sleep though which is good. A person goes bonkers without sleep! Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
Sleepindeed is necessary. I hope it will uplift your mood as well 😘
Thanks, love! 🤗 And thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
More hugs💕😊 xx
...vacuuming & dusting the downstairs every M,W,F bcuz of BF's allergies. Stressing so much bcuz I don't know where I'll find the motivation to keep up. Trying to say it's that or get rid of our cats since we think that's the cause. I would kill...
...myself if I didn't have my cats to keep me company during the day. I really don't know how I'd survive. They make me so happy & help me feel better so much.
I hope you figure out how to manage the allergies. I'm very allergic to cats (but not dogs). He can see an allergist and get shots. They're inexpensive (usually covered by insurance with no problem) and really help!
Thanks so much for that info, Jeff! 💚💚💚 Now that my week will start with blood work first thing Monday mornings, I should have the energy flowing to do it as soon as I get home & unload the groceries I'll inevitably have to get. Then lunch...
...because I can't be skipping meals on this new med even though BF is encouraging it. I wish I didn't feel the control of him concerning my weight. 😢
Would be very sad if your cats have to leave. I didn't know someone could get allergic at some stage when you've had cats all the time?
Yeah, I didn't either. When we got our vaporizer it set off nose bleeds for him & he's been wrecked ever since. Doesn't have all the allergy symptoms at work so that lead us to cats. Hasn't been confirmed by a doctor yet though.
Aw, Manda, I hate seeing you struggle so often. It's hard to see you doing things you feel you HAVE to and not feeling like you make your own decisions in your life. I hope you talk to your counselor about that...
Sending you hugs and strength!
Lots of love, Manda - thinking of you xx
Thanks so much, Jeff & Cindy. xx I love you guys. 💖 It was a totally stupid situation. I needed to transfer my number to my new phone & wanted to do it in the bedroom BY MYSELF because of my PHONE ANXIETY which my psychologist PRESCRIBED TREATMENT...
...FOR but noooo he insisted it was better if he was there! It caused WAAAY too much stress. I haven't cried that hard & for so long in quite awhile. I called my (ex)stepdad a sobbing mess & was finally able to stop crying. I'm starting to feel...
...like he was the only parent to ever really love me. 😢 Jeff- I'm going to go write that down on my therapy list now. Thank you for the push. Thanks for the hugs, Panda. 💚
Proud of you for doing the thing! ❤️
Thanks so much, my Des! It's good to have someone recognize the small achievement. xx
New phone is exciting! I need a new phone too...mine doesn't work well, but I want to wait until a new one comes out next year. Hope you have no problems with your review!
...of dropping it. Slept well. Got pulled for Disability review. Stressful even though there should be no doubt that they won't take it away. Gotta gather LOTS of paperwork. 😔
Thanks, Jeff! His arrived so he's setting it up now. Mine next! Daughter went with BF's dad to carve pumpkins & go out to dinner. Vaping inside. ☺️
Hit enter too soon. I'm really hoping there are no problems too. I was EXTREMELY fortunate & was approved after just a couple months of submitting it. For most people it takes years & multiple appeals. I mean, I am REALLY lucky! Thanks for the...
...hugs, Pandas! 💚
Thank you, Natalie. xx I agree that the whole thing is really messed up!
Hope the review goes well 🤞💕 I have it when they ask for proof of disability, like we don't have enough to deal with already😭. Xx
Evil Little Black Book sounds like a cool name for a show.
Huuuuuuuuuuugggggggggeeeeeeedd myself! 🤗 ...to my online diary. Feels good to focus. BF doesn't want me to do it while they are home though. A friend told me I should write a book even though they had no clue I was doing that. The Diarymaster even...
...thanked me for adding this history & that it was interesting to read! So many times in there I write about no one will ever read this, etc. It was the SERIOUS journal.
There's a comedy called Black Books.
Evil Little Black Book, directed by Mandabear, featuring Alicia as Dairymaster! Jeff as Lil Bro.
Sorry, Manda, couldn't resist. I find the Dairymaster intriguing! Keep writing in those journals...that's good therapy!
Is Dairymaster some kind of milkmaid or a diarist like Samuel Peyps or something...? (Now this is me not being able to resist! 😁)
https://www.pepysdiary.com/diary/1665/09/28/ If you like history and comedy this is one of the best things ever written (obviously not intended as comedy).
You definitely should keep a journal. If people don't approve. Don't tell them
That's a great idea, Jeff. 😂 I'm definitely still writing in my online diary. It really does help so much. After I'm done with the ELBB, i'm putting it in a bubble envelope & wrapping it with tape! I have another paper journal (the happy little...
...pink book?) but daughter could read it at anytime.
...everyday life' in the pamphlet that comes with the prescription. I read those for all new meds & none of them have said anything like that. Feeling hopeful. Wouldn't that be AMAZING?! A 5 just because I did a bunch of yard work, went to the city..
...& had to park in a SUPER stressful area, took a shower (full shave), & will try to adult tonight. The hyper sexuality is going away. The Seroquel killed it. 😢
I hope the medication helps you, manda! You deserve a break from all the pain and a chance to at least get to a normal baseline, let alone be happy! :) Good for you for adulting!
Fingers crossed for you xx
Thanks, Jeff & Cindy. I would definitely settle for a normal baseline, Jeff. If I could clean every week like I used to I would feel a lot better about myself. Anything above that is bonus! Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💚
...registered in some kind of database where the pharmacy will only give 7 day supply until they get you next results & then they hand out another 7. This *** is crazy. Gotta go to a new pharmacy for it but it's not too far from home & pretty sure..
...it's an easy parking lot which you guys know is essential! So, yep, if all goes well I take my first dose tonight.
Daughter spending the night with MIL. He said he has come down with so
Good luck! I hope it works well for you.
Glad to hear you have had a better day. Fingers crossed with the new medication. Hope it works with minimal side effects xx
Hope this helps xx
Thanks, Pandas. Of course there was a million things to deal with & we found out my labs from last week are invalid so back I go Monday for that. Hospital parking lot causes a lot of anxiety. 😔
I hope this helps you, sweet Mandabear!
Thanks, Jeff! 💚 I've put high hopes on it because it's known to work miracles. Also because I have a feeling they are really going to try & push ECT on me if it doesn't work. He brought it up today & I said no way because my Mom & husband don't...
...want me to do it & I know it can cause significant memory loss which is something I definitely don't need to make worse!
I hope it will help you dear Amanda. You're in my thoughts
How hurtful & insensitive ☹ im so sorry! You deserve to be treated so much better. Forget him & go and treat yourself to something nice or a book/ cuppa tea & cuddles with cat 😊 xx
Thanks, Natalie. That was exactly my plan but he got me to say what was upsetting me & insisted he wasn't flirting & that it was just small talk. 🙄 He is making me watch TV with him. I'm sitting out here for awhile so he'll just leave me alone.
Will definitely be going to bed soon. My sweet cat, Sophie, gave me lots of love. She always makes me feel better. Hope you have sweet dreams tonight, Natalie & thanks for the hug, Cody. 💚
From a guy's perspective, we do stupid things. Sometimes we flirt without intending it...perhaps a pretty girl gives us attention when we don't expect it, and it makes us feel good. It can be unintentional and certainly not meant to imply...
...anything. It is stupid for sure, and I'm sorry he did that. But try not to read too much into a new hairstyle. Sometimes guys, like girls, just want to feel good about themselves and just want a change.
It's ok to talk to him about it. I'm sure he cares about you first and foremost. But also, you have the right to know and be taken seriously and be the focus here. I hope he realizes that too! *Big hugs*
Thanks, JeffBear! We eventually talked about it & there is obviously a lot going on in this brain of mine right now but we got to the bottom of it. He still insists it was small talk. I figured out why I was reacting poorly over the hair changes &...
...& perceived flirting. It's the goddamn awful eating disorder. Ruins EVERYTHING!
Thanks for the hug, Cindy. xx
Glad you were able to talk about and reflect on it.
Yes, Cindy. It was very nice & even though it was messy, I felt progress was made!
Do T think it's your fault, Manda! You have the right to feel how you feel! But I'm so glad you talked about it!
Well, my general rule is to think everything is my fault. 😜
...question, it's just the b*tch of a teacher that runs it. BF's test scores make it obvious that she SUCKS at her job so she's always “punished” daughter for it. She was her teacher last year. Can't wait till she gets to Jr. High next year. New...
...play director & three plays a year. She will get what she deserves. Mom told me to tell her to give them the best damn White Rabbit they've ever seen & not let ignorant people win.
The white rabbit may not be the biggest part, but it's a cool character and super important! I am sure she'll be amazing at it!
You're right, Jeff. When he told me I immediately said how awesome the part was & how she'd kill it but BF got in my head. Daughter & friends checked out a script online because they didn't get their's yet & White Rabbit actually had a lot of lines.
We'll see. I'm already super pumped to see the performance even though it's not till February. 😣 Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💚
...a very dangerous thing to do if I was going on a med that could drastically lower my white blood cell count. I'm going to work my way through small goals of eventually not even weighing myself. I'm already back down to 126lbs so I'm not worried.
I cut out a lot of the binging just recently which is why I'm losing. I'm confident it'll balance out to a HEALTHY weight.
Sometimes the universe sends us those people when we most need them! I hope you managed to be healthy and on the medication to help you without letting your ED take over! *Big Hugs*
Thanks, Jeff. The universe absolutely positively wants this person in my life. That's been known for a long time. I see my psychiatrist on Friday so we'll see if I'm actually starting this med or not.
Manda panda. Wishing you much love
Aw, thank you, my sweet nixi! 💙💙
...& saying that it was ok & we didn't have to do it so why is he making a big deal out of the fact that we didn't do it?! He brought all this up w/daughter in hearing distance. I eventually walked away. In bed for the day. F*ck this sh*t. I just...
...wasted WAY too many tears over that. Sis calmed me down through texts. Thankful for her.
Glad your sister was a good support - hope you guys can work through this. Relationships are hard..
Thanks, Cindy. It was messy, but we made it through. Brought up the crappy way I treat BF in general. Will try harder to not do that. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. xx
Hope it goes well - sounds like it should be fun
You're a strong lady!
Thanks, Cindy & Alicia. I think everyone had a great time & I only thought about the beer once after we sat down. Quite the success I'd say. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas. 💖
Glad to hear you had a good night xx
Thanks, Natalie! xx
Aw, I wish I could tell everyone (myself included) when they (and me) say 'too fat' that you're (and maybe me?) so beautiful and full of worth! *Big hugs*
Aw, thanks, Jeff. I wish we could all say that too. Thanks for the hugs, Pandas! 💜