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  555 days
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  101 followers
7 Alicia B
14h ·
Glued all the mounts to the paintings that were frameless but needed to go on my wall at the exhibition. That was yesterday. Today I've painted a new one. I'm getting 2 metres more than I thought, so
Alicia B
14h ·

I'm painting like there's no tomorrow. Cooked a veg mix today with only very little help (needed someone to put some plates on the table for me and then put the pan on the stove. Otherwise all m

Alicia B
14h ·

me. Not so useless after all! I even cleaned parts of the mess up afterwards. Less cramps in my left buttock today, so I can move around a little more. Leg hurts though, maybe I should keep still more. Painting was hard and a bit painful, too. How

Alicia B
14h ·

did Frida do it? Pain makes it hard to concentrate!

Jenny D
11h ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
2d ·
Did a painting yesterday that I can't find a name for yet. Burden complex flaring up. Shower yesterday was so painful, I'll probably wait about 3 days before I attempt it again. That's unlike me, I
Alicia B
2d ·

hate being less than squeaky clean.

Alicia B
2d ·

Waiting for things to get better.

me M
2d ·

I hope you'll feel good soon

me M
2d ·

*Hugs*

me M
2d ·

*and get better

Jenny D
2d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
2d ·

I hope you'll get better soon!!

Manda P
2d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
2d ·

I hope things get better soon. Glad you got a shower in even though it was painful. They can do so much for how a person feels.

John T
2d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
1d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
1d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
16h ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
16h ·

Two hugs for you! I made it to the end.

Alicia B
14h ·

Aw, thank you, Manda! Thank you, everyone!

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7 Alicia B
4d ·
Early wake up to give myself a shot in the belly. Good thing I'm fat! They say it's much more painful for skinny people. Had an appointment with an ortho who was unhelpful and incompetent. Then
Alicia B
4d ·

had an appointment with a gay physical therapist who was lovely and very helpful both physically and emotionally. Pity I'm fat, walking on crutches would have been easier if I was skinny. There's a downside to everything I suppose, especially when

Alicia B
4d ·

you have a torn ligament. Been doing nothing for the rest of the day, no plans for tonight, next appointment only on Tuesday, so I'm hoping to paint a bunch this weekend!

Alicia B
4d ·

Feeling pretty cheerful, and plain happy after talking to a friend. Some people are, as the French would say, magique!

John T
4d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
4d ·

You're taking this all so well! So nice to see!

Brandt B
4d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
4d ·

*Hugs*

me M
3d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
2d ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
5d ·
Back home! Got a chair to keep my feet up and some frozen cranberries to cool my knee. Some physical pain has made me well again. Typical me. Also, I'm on some painkillers, so I'm doing good. Found 2
Alicia B
5d ·

painting ideas while in hospital. The only annoying thing is having to go see doctors every day. Inga is trying to organize it all, poor thing. And there's the matter of being unable to walk, of course, but I'm not upset about that right now. Drugs.

Mary F
5d ·

*Hugs*

me M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
5d ·

Glad you're doing well! Take it easy on yourself a bit, and let others help you! Also, drugs. ;)

John T
5d ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
5d ·

I hope you'll recover fast :)

Anna D
5d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
4d ·

Thank you dearies :)

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5 Alicia B
7d ·
Not one of my best days. Went to the pharmacy, the post office and made appointments for rehab. Took 2 seroquels so I can sleep better. Gonna have some cookies. Will pack tomorrow morning.
Penelope P
7d ·

*Hugs*

John T
6d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
6d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
6d ·

Cookies always help!

Ioanna P
6d ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
6d ·

*Hugs*

me M
5d ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
19 May 2019 ·
I'm feeling more and more anxious. I don't know why, I never used to be scared of surgeries. Maybe it's because I know it'll be a long recovery. Or because I have to remember a lot of stuff to do and
Alicia B
19 May 2019 ·

to bring with… I REALLY don't want to go to the hospital.

nixiblu .
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Mary F
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Sheila H
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
19 May 2019 ·

I hope you'll recover soon! Maybe talking with your doctor about what will happen in the hospital could help you, as you will know what exactly will happen? And you could try to make a list of things you shouldn't forget to feel more certain as you

Anna D
19 May 2019 ·

will know you won't forget it so you don't have to remember them. Good luck!!!!

Jeff M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
7d ·

That would stress me out quite a bit too! Anna had a good suggestion to make lists. And it will be a slow recovery, but keep your eye on the prize of feeling better and stronger again! You can do this! You're a strong panda!

John T
7d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
7d ·

Anna, thank you for the great advice! And thank you for your support, Jeff. Lots of hugs!

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6 Alicia B
18 May 2019 ·
I'm OKayish. I walk a bunch every day, I feel really good physically, but anxious about the surgery, and there's the regular problems with Alex, and with my inner crap, but life is OK. Some of it is
Alicia B
18 May 2019 ·

pretty great.

Alicia B
18 May 2019 ·

Oh, I'm anxious about the Festival, too!

John T
18 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Mary F
18 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Anna D
19 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·
A drunk Alex (he's on vacation) fell onto my favorite (because it's the newest one) painting last night. I got angry, then I got sad, now I'm just wallowing. It's a non-horrible situation made
Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

horrible by triggering things that were said, and my fight response, and me complaining about it and feeling guilty about complaining to a panda and then worrying that I've upset said panda as well. I'm a guilty-feeling mess.

Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

I need a plan. A walk with some music, if I can find the strength to move. Then some more music at home (Inga said she wouldn't mind some Muse), maybe some more painting if we manage to fix my easel.

Jeff M
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
15 May 2019 ·

I'm sorry about your painting. I'm sure pandas understand and forgive, perhaps even easier than most (understanding as much as we do). I hope you forgive yourself to move past the guilt. Guilt is black and sticky...

Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

I got a response from the curator last night, she said I'd have a 3-meter-wide wall at the OstAnders Festival. It's up to me what I want to hang on it and how. The news got different reactions. Inga, for example, said we needed to order plaques with

Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

names of paintings on them. And 'congratulations'. Alex made some jokes I didn't appreciate and then fell onto my painting. Humans are so different. Anyway, I'm going to try and fix the stretch on the canvas when Inga gets up. We had to go order my

me M
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

stockings early, she was sleepy and went back to bed after. God, I feel like a total ***. It's temporary, Alicia, you know that! But this is my default depressed state: guilty, guilty, guilty. It is to be expected.

Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

Thanks, Jeff! Black and sticky, well said.

Jenny D
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
15 May 2019 ·

I'm sure no pandas were hurt in the making of that conversation 😉

Albertine M
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
15 May 2019 ·

Thanks, John.

Manda P
17 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
17 May 2019 ·

Sorry to hear about your painting getting wrecked. That would upset me so much. Having a plan always helps.

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7 Alicia B
14 May 2019 ·
Thought of a cool present for Alex (it only arrived this morning). We had a nice celebration yesterday. I did a painting I really like the other day. Got part of the stuff needed for the surgery.
Alicia B
14 May 2019 ·

There's crutches, a new leg brace, compression stockings, painkillers and 2 syringes with something against thrombosis I think. The old leg brace got an adjustment, so now it's easier to walk. I've still got to pick some of that up, and get measured

Alicia B
14 May 2019 ·

for the stockings tomorrow. All that is both boring and anxiety inducing, but I'm feeling rather cozy today.

John T
14 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Spacekitten V
14 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Penelope P
14 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
14 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Brandt B
14 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Katie Rose S
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
12 May 2019 ·
Definitely depressed phase. Cried at night, but feeling better in the daytime, especially with the sunshine and nice walking weather. Feeling unmotivated and tired, but the worst part is that it's
Alicia B
12 May 2019 ·

really hard to concentrate on anything. Might have to listen to something other than my current audiobook (The Psychopath Test).

John T
12 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
12 May 2019 ·

I just tried to flick a fly off my hand but ended up squishing it. 😣

Anna D
12 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
12 May 2019 ·

Have you developed superpowers? Are you too strong for your own good now?

Anna D
12 May 2019 ·

When I'm depressed, I try to avoid depressive books and read something positive. Once, I had a really depressive period and had to read All Quiet on the Western Front and I was listening Janis Joplin when reading and it made me even more depressed.

Aya N
12 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
12 May 2019 ·

Anna, I know it sounds bad, but it's actually not a depressive book. Books by Jon Ronson are ambiguous but philanthropic. I do sometimes listen to things to kind of hurt myself further, too though. You are right and I'll try and follow your advice.

me M
13 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 May 2019 ·

I've heard that listening to depressing music actually helps people feel better when they're depressing, so might work for books too...

Albertine M
13 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Katie Rose S
15 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
11 May 2019 ·
Migraines and being all puffy lately. Am I that weather sensitive now? Gosh! Feeling ugly and annoyed. Got the details and date on the upcoming surgery. It's more complicated than I thought, and rehab
Alicia B
11 May 2019 ·

will take 3 moths of intense physical therapy every other day. So no travelling this summer! I told Inga she should still go. She's happy about that. Putting a 5 on here because of a depressive phase and health issues. I don't even have any

Alicia B
11 May 2019 ·

painting ideas these days! But there are bright moments, like talking to wonderful people :) As for painting, I'll just try and finish the guitar before the surgery. That doesn't require much thought, it's already thought through.

John T
11 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
12 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
12 May 2019 ·

Very cool that you encouraged Inga to travel without you. I've been in relationships and travelled on my own, not everyone found it easy to accept, but for me it was important for my health and sanity. Inga is very lucky! XX

Alicia B
12 May 2019 ·

Thank you, Albertine! I also like traveling alone sometimes, so it was an easy choice for me.

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5 Alicia B
08 May 2019 ·
A little tidying up, a walk, German lesson. Mood not great. Got back home, made some silly jokes, laughed with Inga, then she said 'I was in such a ***ty mood, but you're such fun I'm all better now'
Alicia B
08 May 2019 ·

AWW!!! I felt the same way today, I'm better now. Some old feelings have come back lately, and I really thought I was done with them. I guess not. Journal, here I come!

Mary F
08 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Joann W
09 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
09 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
09 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
10 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
10 May 2019 ·

I was just thinking of pulling out my journal yesterday! It's been a super long time since I last wrote in it.

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6 Alicia B
07 May 2019 ·
I've been so serious lately, time for an afternoon post about everyday life. I've had my first German lesson since my knee injury yesterday (because I've been on vacation, and then there was a break
Alicia B
07 May 2019 ·

in the course, not because of my knee). That means I took a bus for the first time, and that's a bit hard because of how they drive here - like madmen - and being thrown around when you've only got one properly functioning leg is a bit annoying.

Alicia B
07 May 2019 ·

But I arrived in town a bit early, so I went to do some shopping, and bought me a ring. I love rings. And I love that old style granny's rings with stones in them (is there a word for a ring with a stone?) are in again! So I got one with an amber.

Alicia B
07 May 2019 ·

It's sooo pretty. It was a nice day.

Brandt B
07 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
07 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
07 May 2019 ·

I understand it's hard to speak German with a bum knee! Glad you had a nice time and got a nice thing!

John T
07 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
07 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
07 May 2019 ·

Glad you were able to buy yourself a pretty ring. It's nice to treat yourself. Hope you don't have to ride the scary bus again.

Anna D
08 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
08 May 2019 ·

Thank you, my lovelies :)

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5 Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·
I used to be a smoker for like 12 years. Sometimes people would say to me: don't you know this is bad for you? I would think, 'are you a moron or something? Why do you think I do it?'. Now I vape
Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

a zero nicotine liquid. I try to eat healthy (only because I want to lose weight), I pause the alcohol during the week. But if I hear about someone taking a lot of drugs, or binge drinking, or self harming in any other way, I get this nasty feeling

Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

like ***, I should be doing that! Or at least something! I should be doing something bad to myself, right NOW! I get very irritated and angry, and I could kill the person talking about it. Or if it's a movie triggering me I'm not angry, I'm just

Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

under the spell. I have only realized that this… mechanism is at work in my head just today. I have no idea what to do about it. I'm 36 , I've been feeling this at least since I've started smoking when my dad died, in 2000. But understanding is half

Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

of change for me, usually. Let's hope for the best. I am going to have some rum tonight though. I'll try and be responsible :)

Jeff M
04 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
04 May 2019 ·

I just started watching Dead to Me on Netflix, and they said if they only had a short time to live they'd smoke a ton, because smoking is awesome way to die slowly. I never smoked, but I always liked the idea of having something to do...

Jeff M
04 May 2019 ·

Now phones are cigarette breaks...

Robert H
04 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

That's funny :) Cigarette breaks used to be a way of getting to know people as well. But I'm not saying smoking is good. I'm about to watch that show as well, is it any good?

Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

Heeey I do meditate to that kind of music, too :D

John T
05 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
05 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Brandt B
05 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 May 2019 ·

It's ok...short episodes, so you can get through it quick.

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5 Alicia B
02 May 2019 ·
I've been operating from a deep set feeling that I was defective, and 'bad', and not good enough my whole life. So I'm used to thinking I'm just pretending to be strong, and calm, and understanding.
Alicia B
02 May 2019 ·

But where is the difference? Between acting and being? I might as well really be strong, calm and understanding. What if I'm worth something? What if, in spite of so many failures, I am still a good person to have around? What if I don't HAVE to

Alicia B
02 May 2019 ·

keep feeling the same way about myself I've been feeling my whole life? What if I just go ahead and meet myself now, for the first time. Huh.

Alicia B
02 May 2019 ·

I won't get carried away for now. I'm probably still going to feel defective for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, I won't take that feeling as gospel. Not always, anyway.

Mary F
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Janine S
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Brandt B
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
03 May 2019 ·

I've felt that way my whole life as well. It's been deeply ingrained in me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe otherwise. But there's something to be said for the 'fake it until you believe it' mentality!

me M
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 May 2019 ·

Alicia! I could've written this in the middle of the night with my eyes closed. Allllll my therapy comes back to me feeling worthless. So sad.

Alicia B
04 May 2019 ·

Manda and Jeff, my dearies! I'm so sorry you also feel this way about yourselves. To me you guys are amazing. <3

Manda P
05 May 2019 ·

You are too!

Brandt B
05 May 2019 ·

Our dear Alicia—you aren't defective. You are instead unique. We view you in the same kind amazement in which you view us. Uniqueness is a blessing but can make us feel alone because of the perceived differences with others.

Brandt B
05 May 2019 ·

I hope that a small rotation of your perspective may indeed yield that blessing to you. Many of us have been there and have felt what you are feeling. We understand.

Alicia B
05 May 2019 ·

Thank you, Brandt *big hugs*

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6 Alicia B
01 May 2019 ·
Today's my one year anniversary with Inga. It seems like life's always been this way, and at the same time it feels like no time has passed at all. I've never experienced this little conflict in my
Alicia B
01 May 2019 ·

relationships. I've never experienced this much personal work, either. I feel… alone, because I know I am my responsibility. My locus of control has shifted to internal this year. It's painful and hard, to be honest. It's also liberating and

Alicia B
01 May 2019 ·

inspiring. I can do things myself and for myself. I need people less; and yet I need them more. I've become more in touch with my emotions. That is the part that's not always easy for me. For example, right now I don't feel good at all. It's been a

Alicia B
01 May 2019 ·

great day, but I am still me. I am a sad person. But sadness is not the only thing I feel now. There's also love. I feel a lot of that. I'm glad I do. Love you, pandas!

Robert H
01 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Cora K
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
02 May 2019 ·

Great post, Alicia - we love you too! xx

Jeff M
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
02 May 2019 ·

Alone but not lonely... You've done such amazing work on yourself. It's hard to build, and it's exhausting, but you'll end up with a home you can be proud of.

Lydia R
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
02 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
02 May 2019 ·

Time flies! You have a good thing going with Inga. It's a base you can build from. Keep going. Better times are closer than you think.

Alicia B
02 May 2019 ·

Thank you, my lovelies :)

Cora K
03 May 2019 ·

Really inspiring

Manda P
03 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 May 2019 ·

That was beautifully written! I'm trying to work in that direction.

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5 Alicia B
29 Apr 2019 ·
The fate of my knee is sealed. Surgery in the 3 to 4 upcoming weeks. I've chosen to drink a lot of rum and be unaware and giddy today. Tomorrow I'll be making appointments and giving the news to MUM.
Alicia B
29 Apr 2019 ·

She'll be annoying about it, but I really don't want her to feel bad. Imperfect as she is, I do love her. I think I've learned to be a more compassionate person. For her it's her baby that's suffering. I don't have babies, I don't know what that's

Alicia B
29 Apr 2019 ·

like, but I do have a vivid imagination. And I do know what love feels like. It must be hard for her. I'll also be getting my exoskeletal thing soon, with which I can walk around without worrying about anything bad happening to my knee. Finally!

Gabrielle H
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

me M
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Ian D
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
30 Apr 2019 ·

Long term, this will help you! Short term will be annoying, but you can do it! Work through your physical therapy and you'll be running again in no time!

Brandt B
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
30 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
01 May 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
01 May 2019 ·

Thank you, my dear Jeff!

Alicia B
01 May 2019 ·

Thank you everyone for th hugs :)

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6 Alicia B
28 Apr 2019 ·
Something you didn't know about me: I get upset after having sex sometimes. A lot of times. Hell, I didn't realize it was happening myself up until right now. My partners don't know it, I'd never
Alicia B
28 Apr 2019 ·

want them to feel responsible. I used to think it was about them, or the situation, or something else in my life, but no. It's about me. The deep inside feeling that I am bad, and defective, and I don't deserve pleasure is the reason. I do enjoy

Alicia B
28 Apr 2019 ·

myself so much, it makes sense I should punish myself after. Not actual sense, but you know what I mean. Hopefully now I'm aware things will change.

Alicia B
28 Apr 2019 ·

I even think: what if I was more able to feel pleasure in an abusive relationship than I do now because back then there was sort or a balance? Pleasure, yet, I go it, but later I knew I'd have to pay. Oh, crap. I think I'm onto something.

Brandt B
29 Apr 2019 ·

Profound, Alicia. Explore it. You deserve pleasure and kindness with no strings attached.

Ian D
29 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Albertine M
29 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Indie V
29 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
29 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
29 Apr 2019 ·

Thank you, Brandt.

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6 Alicia B
28 Apr 2019 ·
I feel bad, sad and upset waking up when I don't sleep well. I didn't realize that before because I used to never sleep well. Now that I've got my magic pill for that I can see the difference. Sleep
Alicia B
28 Apr 2019 ·

is one of the most important things for my mood.

John T
28 Apr 2019 ·

An old psychiatrist of mine said: 'Keep taking your 'brain vitamins.''

John T
28 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
28 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
28 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
28 Apr 2019 ·

Sleep is crucial in Bipolar Disorder. Glad you have something to help you get it.

Lydia R
28 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
29 Apr 2019 ·

I didn't know that, Manda, thank you <3

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5 Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·
I've had a very anxious evening yesterday. It doesn't happen to me a lot, so I don't cope well. Above all, I try to hide it from everyone, which is stupid but is a big part of me. I had some rum and
Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

after that everything was fine. I guess I'm not going to entirely go off alcohol. Ah well. As long as I stay productive and don't gain weight from it. Speaking of substance abuse, I've been watching up on Borderline traits and disorder, and the more

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

I learn the more it speaks to me. I don't mean I've got the disorder, I don't really care about labels, I'm just saying that I feel like I've got some traits, and I see an explanation for things that I couldn't explain previously and that torture me.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

For example, I'd written here about a guy that lives in Moscow and whose attention and presence (if only online) I seem to desperately need? And if you can't live without someone, when you feel like if they were out of your life you would

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

disintegrate, and the pain you feel at the mere thought is immense, that could be love, right? Wrong! It could be that when I don't feel loved by someone, anyone, loved ENOUGH (which it never is), then I'm dying. I don't know how to explain the

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

feeling. I think if you have Borderline, or Dependent, or maybe Narcissistic traits, then you'll know what I mean. Anyway, I feel like I'm dying. And that person, my dear Andy, he's been my rock and savior for twenty years, in the sense that he's

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

been in love with me all that time and ready to take me back, even though he's seen me at my absolute worst. Now that I realize the reason for my attachment to him, I can feel it changing, I can feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I feel a

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

little bit more free.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

That show, 'You', it made me loose my *** because at some point it seemed like Joe really loved Beck, with all her crap, no matter what. But he was a murderer and a manipulator, and a terrible human being. And still, a part of me felt envious of

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

Beck. How dumb is that? Am I not supposed to be smarter and more aware than that? Anyway, the thing I thought I didn't feel anymore, the fixation on romantic relationships in my life and the feeling that if I'm not loved enough I'm dead. It's still

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

there, deep inside. I've just developed a habit of suppressing all of the emotions that I find 'unattractive', because if I start again with being angry and all the crying and being needy, then no-one will like me, right? I've suppressed myself into

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

feeling numb. But I'm aware now, and that means everything has changed. I know now that I also idealize and devalue people. It explains so much of my past. It feels so good to be honest wth myself.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

For all I know, I might be a Narcissist. I'm open to anything at this point. I know I'm not a bad person, but I also know there's something wrong, and I need to do something about it, and I've already done something, but there has to be more.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

The good thing is, I have already developed at least 2 relationships of a different kind. They are based on honesty and openness (to the extent to which I can provide it at this point), and I don't expect for these people to fix me.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

It feels wonderful. And it all started right here, with MoodPanda, when I decided to allow me to be me. However scared I am to say what I feel, I do it on here. It's been an amazing learning experience.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

Thank you, Jake and everyone on here. Love you guys.

me M
27 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
27 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

John T
27 Apr 2019 ·

Relatable AF!

John T
27 Apr 2019 ·

You don't need fixing.

Jeff M
27 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
27 Apr 2019 ·

This was very interesting to read. I'm always so impressed by your self-awareness (or at least your progress toward that). I still feel in self-doubt. I think you're well on your way to being who/what you want to be!

Manda P
27 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
27 Apr 2019 ·

I remember being convinced that I was Borderline before I was diagnosed Bipolar. They are so similar. I also have Dependent Personality Disorder so I understand wanting to be loved more than anything. I'm so glad you are here with us, Alicia. 💗

nixiblu .
27 Apr 2019 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

Jeff, you are always so kind. Thank you. Self-doubt seems to be an integral part of all this growth. It's a good thing you are not being dogmatic, and you don't get carried away by concepts.

Alicia B
27 Apr 2019 ·

Manda, my darling, thank you too for being so kind to me. It's hard understanding oneself.

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