and after a lot of thinking, and crying, and journaling, something happens and the world suddenly turns and then pops into place in such a satisfying way. But I'm going deep this time, and those deep waters are cold and dark, and even I'm scared.
I might not be able to change this time, it might be about something that runs too deep. I've never wanted to change anything so much in my life, and that adds even more weight to the problem. Then there's another dimension: I have no idea what could
take the problem's place. I've never known a world without it. Will I even be able to live without it? I will. And I'm really curious about what that might feel like. Curiosity's always been stronger in me than fear.
I'm totally feeling some of this, too! Now that I'm out of my hellish episode, I feel like I had to go through all that to open myself up to a better life. I'm going to start journaling regularly soon. It's helped so much in my life.
Glad you finally got away from the brace. That has to feel great!
always miserable. I do understand but a part of me is childishly upset that Inga's not even glad to see me it seems. She probably is, and I'm just a self-absorbed piece of ***. It just feels like such a long time since we had a lighthearted kind of
time. I miss that. And the worst part, if there's no-one with me feeling upset for some reason or other, then I just feel upset because I'm me. Ugh.
I haven't always been lighthearted fun person, either. Like lately, I'm very up and down.
That's day-to-day life, though, especially when you live with people. There are lighthearted times and really low times, but mostly it's up and down and somewhere in the boring middle...
I'd like some boring middle very much.
exercise and advice in general. I'm feeling motivated once again.
exceedingly vulnerable. The tiniest of words or actions can send me into a descent into a very dark place. I'm torn because I feel when there is a boundary break or blurriness (which is bound to happen when you get really close to someone), there is
this belief that I have no right to defend myself. That's something I've been taught when I was a child. Since I don't want to feel defenceless, I tend to jump right to another extreme: switch the feelings off altogether, hide away in my mental
bunker and if need be go on the offensive (pretty hard). But if there are only two extremes: total defencelessness or total closed-off-ness, then can there be forgiveness and acceptance? None of us is perfect, does that mean there can be no trust?
Or course not. And intimacy and closeness are what I want more than anything. Does everyone? I hope so. It's a choice I have to make now that I've finally faced the duality in me. Abandon hope for closeness forever (and be honest about it with the
people in my life) or accept that I need to change something that has been at the core of my being for 30 years. I've always known I had a problem but I could never put my finger on it, and now I believe I have. I couldn't have done it without you,
and you know who you are :) What are my solutions at this point? Awareness, a bit of meditation when being triggered, journaling, going for walks with some music in my ears. I hope I can do this. I can promise you I'll do my best.
Love should be stronger than silly things taught to us by people too scared to be themselves.
Nothing happened, I'd just imagined something. I've never had such a violent one before
I'll be OK
You will be OK. Sometimes these things happen. Our brains store stuff up and have to let it out, I guess.
storm was so violent that someone told me we shouldn't even be trying to reach it. Best we can do is stay afloat. That's when I realised I was the captain, so I took the helm (is that what it's called?). I knew exactly what to do. The waves around us
were huge, and dark, and cold, and I was so scared I could feel the blood leaving my face. But I knew fear was not going to stop me. I turned the ship to face the waves (so it wouldn't turn over) and stood there straight and strong, holding it
on course. The fear was without panic. I knew we could all die, but I also knew that I had at least some control over our destiny. Somehow everyone was gone, they hid inside the ship. After a while, the storm passed, we docked and everyone got to
safety. Then my first mate (I guess it was him) told me that another storm was coming and I shouldn't be leaving the ship. I did though. It'll be fine, I thought and went off. It wasn't. Later I found out that the ship sank without me at the helm.
It's a good metaphor for mental illness, I think. All of it. The fact that sometimes all I can do is stay the course and hope for the best, even though it seems that land is close, it is still unreachable because of the storm, and I should just
accept that and do what must be done. The fact that I am the captain of my ship, and no-one else can captain it for me. The fact that if I give up it will sink. The fact that there will always be storms. That the sea is big, and cold, and dangerous.
It's also beautiful sometimes like it got when we were all on land. And that the ones close to me are, in a sense, passengers on my ship, and I am responsible for not drowning them in my sea. They've got seas of their own somewhere.
Wow. Deep (no pun intended)! Also, it doesn't hurt to have a first mate...
That's very true, Jeff
Great metaphor, Alicia.
plane tickets. Either way, I'm glad to be on my own for a little while. That way I can enjoy my good mood without anyone telling me how they wish the could feel good as well. I'm just happy in general today. I had a walk, I listened to some music, I
watched 2 dogs play in a fountain, I had a nice talk with my fav person, I've sent a parcel (love doing that, I think I'm way more excited than the recipient will be LOL), I've found some great serial killery stuff to watch (Appropriate Adult and
Born To Kill? I recommend both to those who share my fascination with forensic psychology. I've read some poetry. I feel inspired and inspiring, and frankly, one should never go without the other. It's such a wonderful feeling.
Happy to hear Good Mood Alicia is back and going strong!
I love this! So glad you are feeling so great. Hope the good mood continues! 💖
Thank you, dearies!
do more yet. My mood is better, I enjoyed looking at the stuff they sell there and just staring outside the car's window at trees and fields. Looking out a moving vehicle is one of my favorite things to do.
I'm jealous! I get sick in cars.
That's the way I dance! :) Sounds like a nice day!
Haha that's what I'll be telling people from now on. It's the Jeff dance!
John, there are pills for that, they're even chewy and sweet ;)
Do the Jeff! :)
(And I mean that in the purely innocent dance way, not the way you other people were thinking!)
LOL Jeff. If you say so.
strange at all. Being afraid or change is so very human. Also, it's horse. Horses love their routine and get very upset when it's changed. Cats, too. It's probably universal and even reasonable. Anyway, I feel better already because I'm doing
something to change my life for the better.
Even though I'm feeling anxious about it.
That is really awesome! I may need to check into that one. I have PTSD from my childhood so I deal with flashbacks on a regular basis. I just am now realizing how it has affected my life so negatively to remember them
So now I wanted to stop them too. I need to check that book out. Thank you for sharing!
Kirsten, here it is http://spartanlifecoach.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/HOW-TO-STOP-AN-EMOTIONAL-FLASHBACK-2018-V4.pdf I don't know if it's any good yet, but Grannon's channel has helped me A LOT.
well-trodden paths. They are the same thoughts I'd been thinking two, five, ten years ago. It's just there are more of them now, and some of them are more desperate than ever. All I can do is wait. 'm feeling better today. I can already enjoy things
a little. I'm pretty lucky these phases don't seem to last long for me. Five days so far, that's not a long time at all. It's important that I know this because I get ***al. If I remember I just need to survive a week it'll help. Hope you're all
taking care of yourselves, pandas! Love you, guys.
Its a long hard road we're walking but at least we're not walking it alone. If its not too weird I could imagine us all walking hand in hand.
Ian, I like that! It's probably weird, but who cares :)
It's probably nothing and I'll feel a lot better once it's over.
phone. But right now I feel miserable and not keen on life. It's temporary. It always is. It's incredible how similar this moment is to a thousand other moments when I'd felt exactly the same but for another reson. Or without reason arguably.
Can't think straight. Everything is fine, no one's mad at me, there were no arguments today. It takes some mental discipline to remember that though, I'm exhausted. Time for bed.
I suppose it's an OCD thing. What can I do? I don't really care about most of those. I do have my preferences, but I don't get as emotional. Do I have to? I mean, I get emotional about other things. I suppose it's easier hanging out with someone who
feels the same about more things. I've never really had anyone like that. I don't really think about it that much anymore. Anyway, I feel a ***storm brewing.
I know partially how she must feel though. I don't want to be loved in spite of myself either. I want to be loved because I am the way I am. I so get that. But there's nothing I can do. I feel like I'm double sad now. I was sad because of all this
before, and now that I know she also finds it sad I'm doubly sad.
Irritating one another is a part of living together, right? Can't be avoided. I just wish I could go ask someone neutral for a hug right now. All this silliness is sort of triggering.
I feel not good enough, I feel disappointing, I feel small and alone, and I feel I want to self harm. I won't. Nothing even happened, guys! Most of this is just my *** in my own mind that's been there way before tonight.
I think we should all just like stuff and do our thing and not expect any kind of validation from anymone. Anyway, I'll just try and forget about it all and see what happens tomorrow. If it's still a relevant issue then I'll think about it some more.
Feeling like eating something nice, like I tend to when upset. Ugh. I'm not doing that!
I do that too - resort to food (or beer) for comfort. Ugh. But I think you're right, we shouldn't need people to like/love what we like/love. Validation is important (in that it's ok to feel strongly about such things), but reciprocal feelings are...
...not what makes a relationship or even friendship. After all, don't they say that opposites attract? I think having someone who likes different things makes both people more well-rounded and accepting/validating.
Jeff makes a fantastic point there, Alicia
That's what I thought, too, but maybe sometimes when we're tired we just want to be understood effortlessly. I know I do.
it again. I don't need it right now, but it's useful to remember that once upon a time there was a great need for such a list. That is's guided me to almost being a new person. It takes effort to remember what I was like back then, and how I needed
to hear and realize all of this, and how I needed reassurance and a kind word. I'm so lucky to be out of there, both physically and mentally. OK, here we go. 1. Think, what does the word love mean to you? What is real love like? Remind yourself.
2. You are a separate person. You are your own master, whatever happens. 3. Your mind has been infected with the manipulation, the games, the lies. Not all of your thoughts are yours right now.
4. To forgive is not to forget, and to remember is not to reexperince. 5. The abuse is your co-creation. You had a part in making it all happen. You now have the power to make it stop. 6. You own your own weaknesses. You know you made mistakes, and
you'll make them again, and that's OK as long as you accept the responsibility and learn from them. 7. Love can not change the abuser. No matter how deeply and wholeheartedly you love and accept them. You can not love them into being happy and whole.
8. When you leave, learn to trust other people. It will feel terrifying and impossible, and you will get hurt. Still, learn to trust. There are good people out there. They exist. Don't remain a victim for the rest of your life. Be aware but don't
live in fear. 9. Don't be agressive, don't enjoy conflict. That's what abusers are like. You are in a fight mode after a relationship with an abuser. Try and not act like them (though it will be hard).
Finally, number 10. No contact means NO contact. That is a rule for a reason. Once you break away again, follow this rule, especially when it's hard. Don't analyze it, just follow it. If you are wrong about H, if he is a good person who loves you,
he will understand, he will give you your freedom and he will wait if necessary until you are ready. That's it. I'm sorry for repeating myself, I just wanted to have a reminder on here, frankly.
I'm glad you posted this! This is a very good list, and we all need reminders. I find it easy to be strong and give myself these self-pep talk sometimes, and later I forget it all (or willfully push it aside) and feel so weak. So regular reminders...
...are really helpful! I especially like #6. We own our own weaknesses.
I do the same, Jeff, it's just that I happened to write this particular list down and then come across it while looking for a lost prescription :) lucky=
As for me, I've done chores, gone for a walk, sat by a lake and watched people swim. I won't be swimming this summer becuse of my leg, and I've accepted my fate, but this is a good reminder. I didn't really swim a lot back in France because my ex
wasn't a fan of beach fun. It's one of my favourite things to do in the world. I could have done so much more of it in my life. Making time and space for oneself is important. Doing the things we love, it's always worth it.
Good advice. I like your description of the album, very evocative
(that tends to happen when you talk to a lovely person), then an unexpected PTSD flashback. My mind loves going to the 'whose fault was it' place. But you know what? It's at least 50 per cent mine. I admit that. I accept that. It hurts, but I do.
And it sort of feels good. It means I can work on my shortcomings and not *** up the next time, at least not in the same way. Maybe I'll surprise myself. Maybe it won't even be in a bad way. I do have a lot of feelings about what I'm lacking and
Alicia, you rock
what I would love... no, what I'm dying to have, really. But that's not up to me. What is up to me is what kind of person I am, and how I behave. I should focus on that. It's kind of sad but also kind of empowering.
Not many people will Admit that. I hope you give your self Credit
Thank you, nixi. It means a lot.
big smiles, I guess? Because they are big themselves? I don't know. I am feeling a very big happy feeling. Also, just looking at one of those paintings makes me all bubbly on the inside. It's got so much oxygen in it, and depth and peace as well as
joy. I'm the luckiest person on this planet, I tell ya.
Yay! Art from Pandas is aweso
How many posts am I gonna do here? But, yeah, that's super aweso
Omg! I'm so sorry! 🤣🤣🤣
I agree with Manda, that is very aweso! I also think happy as an elephant is a very cool (and maybe a little confusing?) simile! I like to think that elephants are happy...
It's aweso to get so many messages from my favourite pandas, too! :)
Are you two collaborating or sharing or both? Feel Panda Art Exhibition needs to be organised....
We are collaborating (going to do 2 paintings half and half, no idea how that'll turn out yet) and just sending each other paintings, yeah. It's so much fun!
That is such a cool idea! I hope you post all of it.
John has the best ideas. He's so creative, it's bonkers.
John is an aweso