I'm painting like there's no tomorrow. Cooked a veg mix today with only very little help (needed someone to put some plates on the table for me and then put the pan on the stove. Otherwise all m
me. Not so useless after all! I even cleaned parts of the mess up afterwards. Less cramps in my left buttock today, so I can move around a little more. Leg hurts though, maybe I should keep still more. Painting was hard and a bit painful, too. How
did Frida do it? Pain makes it hard to concentrate!
hate being less than squeaky clean.
Waiting for things to get better.
I hope you'll feel good soon
*and get better
I hope you'll get better soon!!
I hope things get better soon. Glad you got a shower in even though it was painful. They can do so much for how a person feels.
Two hugs for you! I made it to the end.
Aw, thank you, Manda! Thank you, everyone!
had an appointment with a gay physical therapist who was lovely and very helpful both physically and emotionally. Pity I'm fat, walking on crutches would have been easier if I was skinny. There's a downside to everything I suppose, especially when
you have a torn ligament. Been doing nothing for the rest of the day, no plans for tonight, next appointment only on Tuesday, so I'm hoping to paint a bunch this weekend!
Feeling pretty cheerful, and plain happy after talking to a friend. Some people are, as the French would say, magique!
You're taking this all so well! So nice to see!
painting ideas while in hospital. The only annoying thing is having to go see doctors every day. Inga is trying to organize it all, poor thing. And there's the matter of being unable to walk, of course, but I'm not upset about that right now. Drugs.
Glad you're doing well! Take it easy on yourself a bit, and let others help you! Also, drugs. ;)
I hope you'll recover fast :)
Thank you dearies :)
Cookies always help!
to bring with… I REALLY don't want to go to the hospital.
I hope you'll recover soon! Maybe talking with your doctor about what will happen in the hospital could help you, as you will know what exactly will happen? And you could try to make a list of things you shouldn't forget to feel more certain as you
will know you won't forget it so you don't have to remember them. Good luck!!!!
That would stress me out quite a bit too! Anna had a good suggestion to make lists. And it will be a slow recovery, but keep your eye on the prize of feeling better and stronger again! You can do this! You're a strong panda!
Anna, thank you for the great advice! And thank you for your support, Jeff. Lots of hugs!
Oh, I'm anxious about the Festival, too!
horrible by triggering things that were said, and my fight response, and me complaining about it and feeling guilty about complaining to a panda and then worrying that I've upset said panda as well. I'm a guilty-feeling mess.
I need a plan. A walk with some music, if I can find the strength to move. Then some more music at home (Inga said she wouldn't mind some Muse), maybe some more painting if we manage to fix my easel.
I'm sorry about your painting. I'm sure pandas understand and forgive, perhaps even easier than most (understanding as much as we do). I hope you forgive yourself to move past the guilt. Guilt is black and sticky...
I got a response from the curator last night, she said I'd have a 3-meter-wide wall at the OstAnders Festival. It's up to me what I want to hang on it and how. The news got different reactions. Inga, for example, said we needed to order plaques with
names of paintings on them. And 'congratulations'. Alex made some jokes I didn't appreciate and then fell onto my painting. Humans are so different. Anyway, I'm going to try and fix the stretch on the canvas when Inga gets up. We had to go order my
stockings early, she was sleepy and went back to bed after. God, I feel like a total ***. It's temporary, Alicia, you know that! But this is my default depressed state: guilty, guilty, guilty. It is to be expected.
Thanks, Jeff! Black and sticky, well said.
I'm sure no pandas were hurt in the making of that conversation 😉
Sorry to hear about your painting getting wrecked. That would upset me so much. Having a plan always helps.
There's crutches, a new leg brace, compression stockings, painkillers and 2 syringes with something against thrombosis I think. The old leg brace got an adjustment, so now it's easier to walk. I've still got to pick some of that up, and get measured
for the stockings tomorrow. All that is both boring and anxiety inducing, but I'm feeling rather cozy today.
really hard to concentrate on anything. Might have to listen to something other than my current audiobook (The Psychopath Test).
I just tried to flick a fly off my hand but ended up squishing it. 😣
Have you developed superpowers? Are you too strong for your own good now?
When I'm depressed, I try to avoid depressive books and read something positive. Once, I had a really depressive period and had to read All Quiet on the Western Front and I was listening Janis Joplin when reading and it made me even more depressed.
Anna, I know it sounds bad, but it's actually not a depressive book. Books by Jon Ronson are ambiguous but philanthropic. I do sometimes listen to things to kind of hurt myself further, too though. You are right and I'll try and follow your advice.
I've heard that listening to depressing music actually helps people feel better when they're depressing, so might work for books too...
will take 3 moths of intense physical therapy every other day. So no travelling this summer! I told Inga she should still go. She's happy about that. Putting a 5 on here because of a depressive phase and health issues. I don't even have any
painting ideas these days! But there are bright moments, like talking to wonderful people :) As for painting, I'll just try and finish the guitar before the surgery. That doesn't require much thought, it's already thought through.
Very cool that you encouraged Inga to travel without you. I've been in relationships and travelled on my own, not everyone found it easy to accept, but for me it was important for my health and sanity. Inga is very lucky! XX
Thank you, Albertine! I also like traveling alone sometimes, so it was an easy choice for me.
AWW!!! I felt the same way today, I'm better now. Some old feelings have come back lately, and I really thought I was done with them. I guess not. Journal, here I come!
I was just thinking of pulling out my journal yesterday! It's been a super long time since I last wrote in it.
in the course, not because of my knee). That means I took a bus for the first time, and that's a bit hard because of how they drive here - like madmen - and being thrown around when you've only got one properly functioning leg is a bit annoying.
But I arrived in town a bit early, so I went to do some shopping, and bought me a ring. I love rings. And I love that old style granny's rings with stones in them (is there a word for a ring with a stone?) are in again! So I got one with an amber.
It's sooo pretty. It was a nice day.
I understand it's hard to speak German with a bum knee! Glad you had a nice time and got a nice thing!
Glad you were able to buy yourself a pretty ring. It's nice to treat yourself. Hope you don't have to ride the scary bus again.
Thank you, my lovelies :)
a zero nicotine liquid. I try to eat healthy (only because I want to lose weight), I pause the alcohol during the week. But if I hear about someone taking a lot of drugs, or binge drinking, or self harming in any other way, I get this nasty feeling
like ***, I should be doing that! Or at least something! I should be doing something bad to myself, right NOW! I get very irritated and angry, and I could kill the person talking about it. Or if it's a movie triggering me I'm not angry, I'm just
under the spell. I have only realized that this… mechanism is at work in my head just today. I have no idea what to do about it. I'm 36 , I've been feeling this at least since I've started smoking when my dad died, in 2000. But understanding is half
of change for me, usually. Let's hope for the best. I am going to have some rum tonight though. I'll try and be responsible :)
I just started watching Dead to Me on Netflix, and they said if they only had a short time to live they'd smoke a ton, because smoking is awesome way to die slowly. I never smoked, but I always liked the idea of having something to do...
Now phones are cigarette breaks...
That's funny :) Cigarette breaks used to be a way of getting to know people as well. But I'm not saying smoking is good. I'm about to watch that show as well, is it any good?
Heeey I do meditate to that kind of music, too :D
It's ok...short episodes, so you can get through it quick.
But where is the difference? Between acting and being? I might as well really be strong, calm and understanding. What if I'm worth something? What if, in spite of so many failures, I am still a good person to have around? What if I don't HAVE to
keep feeling the same way about myself I've been feeling my whole life? What if I just go ahead and meet myself now, for the first time. Huh.
I won't get carried away for now. I'm probably still going to feel defective for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, I won't take that feeling as gospel. Not always, anyway.
I've felt that way my whole life as well. It's been deeply ingrained in me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe otherwise. But there's something to be said for the 'fake it until you believe it' mentality!
Alicia! I could've written this in the middle of the night with my eyes closed. Allllll my therapy comes back to me feeling worthless. So sad.
Manda and Jeff, my dearies! I'm so sorry you also feel this way about yourselves. To me you guys are amazing. <3
You are too!
Our dear Alicia—you aren't defective. You are instead unique. We view you in the same kind amazement in which you view us. Uniqueness is a blessing but can make us feel alone because of the perceived differences with others.
I hope that a small rotation of your perspective may indeed yield that blessing to you. Many of us have been there and have felt what you are feeling. We understand.
Thank you, Brandt *big hugs*
relationships. I've never experienced this much personal work, either. I feel… alone, because I know I am my responsibility. My locus of control has shifted to internal this year. It's painful and hard, to be honest. It's also liberating and
inspiring. I can do things myself and for myself. I need people less; and yet I need them more. I've become more in touch with my emotions. That is the part that's not always easy for me. For example, right now I don't feel good at all. It's been a
great day, but I am still me. I am a sad person. But sadness is not the only thing I feel now. There's also love. I feel a lot of that. I'm glad I do. Love you, pandas!
Great post, Alicia - we love you too! xx
Alone but not lonely... You've done such amazing work on yourself. It's hard to build, and it's exhausting, but you'll end up with a home you can be proud of.
Time flies! You have a good thing going with Inga. It's a base you can build from. Keep going. Better times are closer than you think.
That was beautifully written! I'm trying to work in that direction.
She'll be annoying about it, but I really don't want her to feel bad. Imperfect as she is, I do love her. I think I've learned to be a more compassionate person. For her it's her baby that's suffering. I don't have babies, I don't know what that's
like, but I do have a vivid imagination. And I do know what love feels like. It must be hard for her. I'll also be getting my exoskeletal thing soon, with which I can walk around without worrying about anything bad happening to my knee. Finally!
Long term, this will help you! Short term will be annoying, but you can do it! Work through your physical therapy and you'll be running again in no time!
Thank you, my dear Jeff!
Thank you everyone for th hugs :)
want them to feel responsible. I used to think it was about them, or the situation, or something else in my life, but no. It's about me. The deep inside feeling that I am bad, and defective, and I don't deserve pleasure is the reason. I do enjoy
myself so much, it makes sense I should punish myself after. Not actual sense, but you know what I mean. Hopefully now I'm aware things will change.
I even think: what if I was more able to feel pleasure in an abusive relationship than I do now because back then there was sort or a balance? Pleasure, yet, I go it, but later I knew I'd have to pay. Oh, crap. I think I'm onto something.
Profound, Alicia. Explore it. You deserve pleasure and kindness with no strings attached.
Thank you, Brandt.
is one of the most important things for my mood.
An old psychiatrist of mine said: 'Keep taking your 'brain vitamins.''
Sleep is crucial in Bipolar Disorder. Glad you have something to help you get it.
I didn't know that, Manda, thank you <3
after that everything was fine. I guess I'm not going to entirely go off alcohol. Ah well. As long as I stay productive and don't gain weight from it. Speaking of substance abuse, I've been watching up on Borderline traits and disorder, and the more
I learn the more it speaks to me. I don't mean I've got the disorder, I don't really care about labels, I'm just saying that I feel like I've got some traits, and I see an explanation for things that I couldn't explain previously and that torture me.
For example, I'd written here about a guy that lives in Moscow and whose attention and presence (if only online) I seem to desperately need? And if you can't live without someone, when you feel like if they were out of your life you would
disintegrate, and the pain you feel at the mere thought is immense, that could be love, right? Wrong! It could be that when I don't feel loved by someone, anyone, loved ENOUGH (which it never is), then I'm dying. I don't know how to explain the
feeling. I think if you have Borderline, or Dependent, or maybe Narcissistic traits, then you'll know what I mean. Anyway, I feel like I'm dying. And that person, my dear Andy, he's been my rock and savior for twenty years, in the sense that he's
been in love with me all that time and ready to take me back, even though he's seen me at my absolute worst. Now that I realize the reason for my attachment to him, I can feel it changing, I can feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I feel a
little bit more free.
That show, 'You', it made me loose my *** because at some point it seemed like Joe really loved Beck, with all her crap, no matter what. But he was a murderer and a manipulator, and a terrible human being. And still, a part of me felt envious of
Beck. How dumb is that? Am I not supposed to be smarter and more aware than that? Anyway, the thing I thought I didn't feel anymore, the fixation on romantic relationships in my life and the feeling that if I'm not loved enough I'm dead. It's still
there, deep inside. I've just developed a habit of suppressing all of the emotions that I find 'unattractive', because if I start again with being angry and all the crying and being needy, then no-one will like me, right? I've suppressed myself into
feeling numb. But I'm aware now, and that means everything has changed. I know now that I also idealize and devalue people. It explains so much of my past. It feels so good to be honest wth myself.
For all I know, I might be a Narcissist. I'm open to anything at this point. I know I'm not a bad person, but I also know there's something wrong, and I need to do something about it, and I've already done something, but there has to be more.
The good thing is, I have already developed at least 2 relationships of a different kind. They are based on honesty and openness (to the extent to which I can provide it at this point), and I don't expect for these people to fix me.
It feels wonderful. And it all started right here, with MoodPanda, when I decided to allow me to be me. However scared I am to say what I feel, I do it on here. It's been an amazing learning experience.
Thank you, Jake and everyone on here. Love you guys.
You don't need fixing.
This was very interesting to read. I'm always so impressed by your self-awareness (or at least your progress toward that). I still feel in self-doubt. I think you're well on your way to being who/what you want to be!
I remember being convinced that I was Borderline before I was diagnosed Bipolar. They are so similar. I also have Dependent Personality Disorder so I understand wanting to be loved more than anything. I'm so glad you are here with us, Alicia. 💗
Jeff, you are always so kind. Thank you. Self-doubt seems to be an integral part of all this growth. It's a good thing you are not being dogmatic, and you don't get carried away by concepts.
Manda, my darling, thank you too for being so kind to me. It's hard understanding oneself.