might not play with him anymore. Of course, he saw himself as a victim who didn't get emotional support when upset. No, I don't support people who attack me, whatever the reason. My duty is to defend myself first. I've stepped on my feelings long eno
enough, thank you very much.
Damn straight! You have every right to defend yourself, and the fact that he plays the victim when he's in the wrong says all anyone needs to know! Sorry you didn't do so well this time!
Alex sounds like he needs DBT. *takes psychiatrist hat off* Look after yourself, Alicia, you deserve your self care and a lot more.
Good for you for standing up for yourself like that. This makes me really want to work on not taking my bad moods out on BF.
You guys rock :) JEFF, it's OK, it's just a game (to me anyways), and I had a lot of fun before the actual crisis. JOHN, impressive! He's got Borderline. You're one good shrink :D MANDA, it's hard being blamed for just expressing my feelings in a
calm way, for sure. Makes me feel like I don't matter to this person AT ALL. Makes me want to just check out emotionally.
be really disconnected from one's desires. What I'm starting to see in myself is a disconnect from most physical aspects of life. TMI coming your way, but when I need to go to the bathroom it's like always an emergency. Nothing, nothing, then bladder
about to burst. Also, sex. I don't want to have sex anymore. Unless there's some outside stimulation, and then all of a sudden I want it very much, maybe three times in a row, please and thank you.
I am the horniest when I meditate, basically. As soon as I am back in my head I'm like that friggin song Free From Desire (LOL, John, I like your version better). I don't know my body anymore. Food for thought, eh?
*thumbs up Emoji* credit goes to the duo Phatworld for the remix
Hmm...interesting. The whole disconnect with our bodies. Thinking about that. I think it happens as we get older. We NEED things less or are just less aware of those things. Interesting how your conscious thoughts interfere...
I agree, it happens with age, as do low grade depressions, and maybe it shouldn't be that way, maybe we make too many rules and too little time to listen to ourselves.
put the desire to loose weight on a backburner. I can't do that yet, but since I've started doing the other things they advise I don't have any weird cravings in the middle of the night. That's a huge relief, because either you give in and feel
guilty, or you don't and feel miserable. It's a great book, truly (I'm only four chapters in though). I talked to Inga about it and it turns out she already knows pretty much everything about intuitive eating. She's never had weight problems
or eating disorder problems, but she was interested in the subject at some point and read up on it. She looked me in the eye and said: 'You'll never be skinny, you know. That's just not your body type.' Then paused.
Then repeated: 'You'll never be skinny'. It felt bad. I mean, I used to be much thinner than now back when I had one tiny meal a day. I was hungry all the time, I had a headache all the time, but I looked good. Really good as I see now in the photos.
I still FELT fat and ugly back then. What Inga said made me realize I have made a choice and must not deny the consequences. I'll never be skinny. If I'm lucky, I'll get to see what my body thinks I'm supposed to be like. That would be amazing,
actually. I'm so curious about that. But first, I need to grieve that dream, even obsession that I've had ever since I was 11 and my dear mom told me I needed to eat less, and my sister got the pictures of 90s supermodels hanging around the apartment
I'll never be perfect, that's a given. But I'll never be even just thin. This is something for me to process in the coming days. I feel so good physically though.
I think I know how you must feel, skinny also isn't my body type, slim and normal and healthy could be achievable, but never skinny and fair and delicate. But as much as I'd like to be that I also don't have a problem anymore not ever being skinny.
I like the way you're handling this because I know how hard this can be (and I still have those days when I despair over my body), but in my opinion feeling good in ones own body and being healthy is the best what can happen to us. You don't have to
be skinny to be loveable. You're already lovely no matter what your body looks like. It's a hard fight but I'm sure you'll emerge as the winner!
Thank you, Lydia, you are so sweet <3 It's helpful to hear from someone who's ahead of me in the process, too :)
It's a tough one. I relate to what you say a lot.. Even at my thinnest I still thought I was overweight. Nowadays I'm trying to focus on being muscular, instead of thin, and it's helped my self image a lot.
You are gorgeous no matter your weight, Alicia. We really need to pound this into our heads. Sorry to hear that you had to grow up in that environment. What is the trick to not give into the middle of the night cravings?
Thank you Manda <3 Your words do mean a lot. The trick is, well, you gotta make yourself believe that when you're hungry you'll eat something nice no matter what where and when. When your subconscious believes you're free to eat whenever, and you've
eaten enough during the day, you won't binge , like ever.
The thing is you gotta eat :) And listen to your hunger, and not starve yourself. Forget dieting altogether. Which is HARD.
Yep, I've started to restrict again. Not good. I sleep through breakfast on the weekdays. Will try to start adding something small before I lay back down & really makes an effort to eat more than just a piece of string cheese for lunch.
Maybe you could get that book, too, Intuitive Eating? It's awesome. Advised by a therapist specializing in Eating Disorders. I can't say it's the cure for all, but it might help a little bit.
It really puts in you in zone for working on those issues. Which is the most important for me. Not just excercises, but a good understanding of what's going on in my head.
Kym, you're right, it'd be cool to be strong and muscular, but I'm too lazy for that :( Plus, no real high from sport (I hear it's common for Bipolar peeps). Ugh.
I wrote the title down & will add it to my wishlist when I get home. Thanks for the recommendation! xx
I've always had very vivid, colourful and emotional dreams, but after a few years of abuse they've gone, with the exception of an occasional nightmare. I hated that; my dreams have always been a joy. Could I finally be getting over it all? I've been
no contact for a year and two months. I've been feeling much less emotional about the whole thing for the last month. There have been no changes in my life during this time, meds or otherwise, so I guess it's just that the time had come for me to
break free. I'm so happy it's only required a little over a year. I'd been prepared to withstand it for much longer.
Here's to moving on! It felt so great to stand up to my ex & say I couldn't talk. Maybe one day I'll cut him off completely.
Yes, Manda, they say no contact is the only way to heal completely.
Which explains why my therapist strongly pushed for me to block him. I don't feel like there is anything to heal but I assume that just means there is actually a lot to heal?
Oop! Two hugs for you! You must be on my nice list! 😉
😁 I'm one lucky Panda
was that easy. Just find me someone for a sham marriage, she said. As if people were walking around looking for that kind of thing. Are they? Am I missing something? Anyway, telling me I'm a bad daughter is not going to help her.
She's got friends and acquaintances, people to go places with and to travel with, but she is scared of being old with no relatives around (no siblings, both kids living in Europe), plus she finds fault with everyone at some point. I guess she's
always been difficult, I've never thought about it before but it seems that way. And getting her to come live here is not as easy as she thinks. I feel for her on one hand but I don't do guilt trips anymore.
Can you get her thinking about meeting new people? Sounds like she needs more company in her life and she can get that anywhere there's people (or cats).
I've already told this to one panda, but I'll repeat myself here. When our Airbnb guy on Malta heard I painted he asked me to sent my stuff to his son who owns a gallery. I should have been scared ***less, but I wasn't. I send him my instagram link
and he replied saying I had a lovely portfolio and that if I'm ever on Malta again he wants to take my friends and me out to lunch. Feels like a compliment. I keep getting them from a lot of people and I have no idea why. I used to want to be a
writer, and I worked do hard on my stories but never got an all-positive feedback. Before that I dreamt of singing, but no-one appreciated that, either. 'Your voice is gonna be nice if you work at it' was the best I got. And now I have something I do
for myself, and I really don't care if anyone likes it or not. I do it because it makes me happy, and because it helps me work through stuff. Isn't life funny?
I feel so lucky to not be needing any feedback at all. To finally be free.
I feel happy for you
What a great achievement to feel like that - envious!
That is an amazing achievement. All creative endeavors should be first and foremost for the creator. If others like it, bonus. How wonderful that you have something that makes you feel good (and that others appreciate)!
You know that feeling when you feel like you've read something before...
That's awesome, Alicia! I'm so happy for you. That must be such a good feeling. I hope you keep posting photos of them on Instagram though!
Aw, thank you, Manda :) I will post them once I paint a few new ones, I've had a three week break while on vacation.
small children behind, and for what? She was perfect, why couldn't she see that? It felt so obvious to me, and I cried and I wished she had been kinder to herself, and never tried to be perfect, just stayed with us the way she was. When I woke up I
was relieved but at the same time I couldn't help but think my subconscious was telling me loud and clear to start feeling better about myself. I'm not anorexic, I've just recently seen a movie about it. But I get the feeling sort of. I wish we could
all start loving ourselves a little more. Hugs to all pandas.
Let's be super nice to ourselves today, Alicia! 💖
my sister who's gotten so skinny it scares me, especially after everything I've read about Eating Disorders. She does eat, and I think she's quite healthy physically for now, but who knows what's going on in her head and where it'll take her? I think
I'm entering a depressive phase today, thinking of all the people who are not here, and things of the past, and going all sentimental. I'll give myself a six, though, and tomorrow I'll definitely be painting. I've missed doing it sooo much.
like a dick right now, I know. I've blamed people for my feelings plenty in my lifetime. But I had no diagnosis back then and no clue that I was mentally ill. I thought everyone felt this way. We both are much more aware now, and we should act
accordingly. Inga has saved my mood though, she dragged me to go buy some stuff for the apartment and some shoes for her, and then have a driving lesson with her. We laughed our asses off in the process. I'm all better now.
I love old farmhouses!
someone's dream. Amazing. I'm speechless, really.
I used to like Dali's famous work, but the more I read about him the less I liked him.
Why? - you may ask. It boils down to him being a fascist who beat up women.
Talented as an artist maybe, but he was a complete waste of a human being.
That's why I never read biographies 😁
His work is mind blowing when you see it in person. It's neat how he hid his wife in most of his work
mountain restaurant. Feeling very very relaxed now. Alex is really trying to be normal because my mom is here, I appreciate it immensely, and I find I like him a lot these days. That's not the real him, though. I almost feel ashamed of the emotion.
He'd rather someone liked him for who he really is, but that's so damn hard when he's going nuts. I understand his feelings, but also I find it hard to be the friend he'd like me to be. Covered
I mean, complicated, this
Sounds like a lovely time and hopefully overrides the complications for now.
I'm nervous about Inga meeting my mom and us all spending three days together. I shouldn't be, I mean, I'm not responsible for either of them saying or doing something silly. Right? It's hard. I'm also nervous because this is the first time I'm
seeing mom since I've realized I've got body dysmorphia, and I might need to tell her to tone down the fattist comments. Whatever, people can take me or leave me, I've got no choice but be myself now.
It's hard when people can't see things from our perspective. I hope your mum can be reasonable. Good luck!
Hope it's going well, Alicia - fingers crossed xx
Sounds like you're in a good place and can approach whatever happens with enough grace to flow with whatever comes.
I miss the sea. I live so far from the sea (almost as far as you can get in the UK). I lived by the Irish sea for years, up until a year and a half ago, when I came back here. Might do a sea inspired painting... No red allowed!
tattoo. FFS moodpanda has swallowed my comment again
worried. Inga and I had to go closer to the tail. We didn't crash, so that's good. I wonder what it was all about though. Anyone know anything about planes?
Strange thing to do. No idea Alicia. You are safe and well?
Sounds like pilot was concerned about weight distribution for the landing so ordered flight attendants to move folks around. That would be my guess.
Glad to read you're safe!
Yes, Noel, I'm perfectly OK, thank you, dear. Thank you all for the hugs and responses, I'l
I'm happy to have you, guys