6.4 avg
  269 days
  1653 hugs
  61 followers
9 Alicia B
24h ·
Yesterday was so much fun I didn't update 😁 discovered Elliot Roger (a mass murderer) and the fact he'd left behind a book about his life and a vlog. That's like a psychologist's wet dream. Got
Alicia B
24h ·

Muse's Drones, a Yonex badminton racket and beautiful flowers for my B-Day. Painted, listened to music, talked to sis. This painting called 'Trauma Bond' got the perfect reaction. OMG WTF Jeezus! Something like that. 😁

John T
23h ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
23h ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
23h ·

Is your birthday today, was it yesterday? Aah, I want to congratulate you but not if it's not your b-day yet. 😬

Kiara M
23h · NEW

*Hugs*

John T
23h ·

Happy Birthday (again) for yesterday! Glad you had fun!

Tasha S
23h ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
21h ·

Happy birthday!

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10 Alicia B
3d ·
Wow, my body sure likes being treated nice, I've played badminton for 2 hours and I was in the zone! Won both matches, it's like everything was just happening on its own. Feeling good now, but tired.
Lydia R
3d ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
3d ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
3d ·

Sounds like a great day!

Tasha S
3d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
3d ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
3d ·

Fun. Did you rub it in as we had coached? hehe. Were you like: 'Boom! In your face! How ya like me now?' Slams racket on ground and does victory dance as opponents sulk away in defeat.

Alicia B
24h ·

Nah :) I did admire myself for a bit there though 😁

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5 Alicia B
4d ·
Telling my body I'm sorry for having been so unappreciative all these years. Demanding perfection, and never appreciating it's strength, resilience and it being such a fast learner. I don't have
Alicia B
4d ·

a single broken bone in my body. My eyes take contacts well, my muscles learn to do whatever I require at lightning speed, my organs take all the *** I drink and eat and still function perfectly. And still I hate this body for not looking the way

Alicia B
4d ·

I want it to. I really do deserve an apology from myself. I was stupid, I will do better now, I promise.

Lydia R
4d ·

*Hugs*

Tuxi A
4d ·

*Hugs*

Nicky E
4d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
4d ·

*Hugs*

Jen B
4d ·

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
4d ·
Great Afro dance session with live drums. Headache got in the way of feeling ecstatic, but it was good. A little cardio, a little meditation never hurt.
Tasha S
4d ·

*Hugs*

Margot L
4d ·

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Éva H
4d ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
4d ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
4d ·

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Cindy M
4d ·

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
5d ·
I keep forgetting to update, darn :) all is well, to the extent that it can be well right now. Learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself not to be perfect. Feels pretty good.
Zoe K
5d ·

*Hugs*

Emily G
5d ·

*Hugs*

Nick N
5d ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
5d ·

*Hugs*

John T
5d ·

*Hugs*

Mark W
5d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
4d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
4d ·

*Hugs*

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9 Alicia B
14 Feb 2018 ·
Feeling great and planning to keep it that way. And, hey, pandas, I love you all, and wish you a nice evening however you feel about today 💜💜💜
Jake G
14 Feb 2018 · CHIEFPANDA

*Hugs*

Jeff M
14 Feb 2018 ·

You're nice, Alicia! I hope your stupid made-up holiday is/was amazing and full of chocolate and booze (if you're so inclined)!

John T
14 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
14 Feb 2018 ·

Yes Jeff, I'm up for some chocolate, I'm dieting (slightly), but I'll walk it off on the moors tomorrow.

John T
14 Feb 2018 ·

Also, Hi! I hope the good moods continue!

Maria K
14 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
14 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
14 Feb 2018 ·

💖

Mark W
14 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
7d ·

*Hugs*

holly F
7d ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
6d ·

I love you, too. :)

Alicia B
5d ·

My stupid holiday was great, I took a long walk, did some shopping and ate sushi :) oh, and painted

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5 Alicia B
14 Feb 2018 ·
Being upset made me paint something pretty for a change 😁
Jeff M
14 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
14 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
7d ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
6d ·

Sadness can move us to create beautiful work- whether a poem, a song, a painting.

Alicia B
5d ·

I've never been able to sublimate sadness before, I'd just go all limp and bleh. Maybe I've found my way at last.

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6 Alicia B
12 Feb 2018 ·
Letting go, tears, wine, Muse and painting. Perfect.
Zoe D
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Noel L
12 Feb 2018 ·

Sounds good Alicia. I hope it brings you much pleasure

Ella H
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
6d ·

*Hugs*

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4 Alicia B
12 Feb 2018 ·
Yesterday sucked. I have to let go of the illusion that my love, support and reserve can charge anything for anyone. Cathartic thought.
Zoe D
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
6d ·

Love anyway, support anyway... :)

Alicia B
5d ·

Thank you, Love. I know to appreciate those things unlike some people 😁

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5 Alicia B
12 Feb 2018 ·
Falling behind again.
Zoe D
12 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·
Gotta update for today as well. Dunno what to write. I gotta play some guitar before my fingers go all tender again. Been having dreams about my ex husband. Guilt stabs. Anxiety. Otherwise OK.
Lydia R
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
6d ·

Could be a purging or purification as well. Those thoughts that were buried in the unconscious surface to conscious awareness. may cause some momentary pain & consternation, but opp to release.

Alicia B
5d ·

Yes, you were right, that's exactly what happened.

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9 Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·
I've tried paining 'Wound Medals', it's the kind of medal soldiers get for not being heroic or going beyond the call of duty, just for getting wounded in action (so I gather). It seemed a cool concept
Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

It didn't turn out the way I wanted it, but that's OK, I'll try again. Every time I paint a badge it's for something that happened to me that made a irreversible change to my psyche, it's something I'm not sure one can recover from. So far I've got 3

Stephanie S
09 Feb 2018 · NEW

*Hugs*

Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

Wound Medals, and I wear them as proudly as any soldier.

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

I need major wound medals for 2003, 2004, and especially 2014. Sounds like a great concept!

Tasha S
09 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
10 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
10 Feb 2018 ·

I would give it a twist, As it is lovely idea to give traumatic events closure! The healing will start afterwards! Thank you for the idea!

Alicia B
12 Feb 2018 ·

I love your idea of a twist, only I don't quite know how to make that visual. A great challenge.

Lieteke G
12 Feb 2018 ·

Just thinking loud: after my abusive relationship, I came out much stronger. So I would make a warrior. During my breastcancer, my facebook picture was a glow in the dark My Little Pony (pet scan, you get i jected a fluid which shows where the cancer

Lieteke G
12 Feb 2018 ·

Is) so I would make that my medal. Every had thing has its characteristics, which I would like to use.. again, for me a great way to get closure

Alicia B
5d ·

I love it, Lieteke!

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10 Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·
However I feel during the day, if I paint at the end of it, I feel like a ten. This reminds me of how I felt about writing when I was a teen. This feeling is the best one I've ever experienced. Quotin
Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

I don't know whom, it's better than sex, better than drugs, etc., etc. Something magical about making the painful stuff visual, real, touchable, even if no-one gets it but me. It's like I've purged it and now instead of feeling it and aching I can

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

see it, and if not admire it, observe it. I like having my hands dirty, too, having paint under my fingernails, it's like a physical manifestation of how I see myself. Up to my elbows in the stuff of life.

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

I can't paint for ***. I can't draw. Even my writing is terrible. But that does nothing to diminish the way I feel. I feel free. I feel like a human being. I feel real.

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

And I love te smell of oil paint, it takes me right back to my childhood, when my sister used to paint at home. I feel safe, and I feel love, and I never want this to end.

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

I've painted 'Love for a narcissist', and 'Bipolar', and in a week I'll be done with 'Alone'. Thank you, universe.

Love 1
08 Feb 2018 ·

I love how your spirit shines through. Sigh.

Lydia R
08 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
08 Feb 2018 ·

That was so inspirational! Even me, without a creative bone in my body, wants to get something started now.

Lydia R
08 Feb 2018 ·

It really was inspirational, and what you wrote is for me the essence of art and what it can achieve in people. I'd love to take a look at them, but I know it's highly personal. I'm thinking of something modern and expressionistic. Well done! :)

Tasha S
08 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
08 Feb 2018 ·

Yes, it's all abstract 😁

Alicia B
08 Feb 2018 ·

Glad to be inspirational :)

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10 Alicia B
06 Feb 2018 ·
Cleaned the kitchen, did some shopping AND! Tried painting for the first time ever. Oil and everything. It's amazing. I can't even draw, I suck so bad but I don't care. Hypomanic? Loving it anyway.
Lieteke G
06 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Honoria L
06 Feb 2018 ·

Ah who cares if you suck? As long as you love it it's amazing!

Christel D
06 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Feb 2018 ·

I have no artistic talent whatsoever. But something about slathering thick, gooey, colorful paint on a blank canvas is so amazing! :)

Love 1
07 Feb 2018 ·

it can be calming

John T
07 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
07 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
07 Feb 2018 ·

I haven't done anything artsy in over 10 years, no idea why I ever stopped because I miss it massively. Glad you like it, and for doing something is almost more important than the end result. It helps me to calm down. :)

Tasha S
07 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
07 Feb 2018 ·

I love oil painting

Lieteke G
07 Feb 2018 ·

We all need something we enjoy! And even if it looks bad, you had fun doing it. Advise I could give myself as well, as I am a perfectionist, expecting to do everything perfect the first time. But slowly slowly changing...

Cindy M
07 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

Love, it makes me excited, not calm, but that's a welcome change. I've had more than enough apathy for one lifetime.

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

Thank you, Lydia, and Lieteke, for your comments, you've made me feel so warm inside. Understood and accepted. Meow!

Alicia B
07 Feb 2018 ·

Jeff, I love pretty colors but I seem to be using a lot of black, white and yellow when painting. It's so weird, I don't even like those colours. I've painted Bipolar today, and it doesn't look pleasing at all. I guess that's painting the truth :)

Lydia R
08 Feb 2018 ·

I love black, white and yellow (or grey instead of black). Kind of my favourite colour combination at the moment. :)

Jeff M
08 Feb 2018 ·

I've always wondered what bipolar looks like! I've seen pictures of the bipolar bear...he's adorable.

Alicia B
08 Feb 2018 ·

Lydia, you're not gonna believe me, but black, white and yellow were the colors I used and surprised myself with 😁

Alicia B
08 Feb 2018 ·

Oh, right, I guess I've already told you that but forgot :) sorry

John T
08 Feb 2018 ·

I've done that before, Alicia. Sometimes I read someones post and ignore the name and reply like someone else wrote it! You enthusiasm is infectious though! I've got a big box of oil paints, just need to buy canvases and a mat to protect the carpet!

Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

Wow, John, that's amazing :) I don't have a mat, and on of the cats has stepped into paint, so I've spent the day scrubbing the floor and the sofa! You've put such a bit smile on my face though, it's all worth it!

Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

I like your comments and all your personality so much, you wanna connect on FB? I'm not a very talkative person, so don't worry about that. Find Asya Oreshkina if you feel like it. If you don't, it's all good, too. So far I've got no-one from MP onFB

Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

Oh, as for canvasses, you can get like an album of canvas sheets, it's cheaper but works OK for a beginner, too.

Alicia B
09 Feb 2018 ·

Sorry for the autocorrect, I hope you understand me :)

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

I used to get canvases cheap from a discount/budget shop where I used to live. I'll have to look around, but should be more choices here in the city. I use really big canvases because I just like putting the paint on rather than painting real things.

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

I only recently got a FB account again, I got it because there's sometimes videos I want to watch without being asked to sign up. You'd be my first friend, so I'll add you, but I'm on there once a month-ish. Do you have Instagram or Twitter instead?

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

It useful to have a MP person off MP incase you ever need to talk about something you don't want to share publicly, so for that reason, something like Instagram or Twitter I'd check more often.

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

I've made a decision, to get back in FB slowly, so I should start checking it more often. Also, thanks for liking my comments! That's such a kind thing to say!! (I'm not entirely convinced you meant me??) Anyway, I've sent a friend request...

John T
09 Feb 2018 ·

...and started to put a few old and new photos up just so it's not completely empty. Got a bit triggered looking through the old photos from when I was last very ill... but life moves on.

Alicia B
5d ·

Yeah, old photos will do that to you sometimes. I still keep them all just in case though :) glad to have you as a fb friend :)

Lieteke G
5d ·

I use facebook a lot. i live abroad, so to keep everyone informed about my adventures, I post every now and then wn update. I am easy to find, as there are only 5 Lietekes in the world ;-)

Alicia B
4d ·

John, I really want to do big canvasses as well, but that would make painting an expensive hobby. So I'm sticking to A 4 for now

Alicia B
4d ·

Lieteke, but which one are you? 😁 I'm Asya Oreshkina just in case.

Lieteke G
4d ·

Can't find you. I am Lieteke Grondsma

Alicia B
3d ·

Found you :)

Lieteke G
3d ·

I saw and excepted it

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6 Alicia B
05 Feb 2018 ·
Felt the depressive kind of tired yesterday, physical but for no reason. Went for a walk. Cooked a nice meal. Was irritable but held it together. Thus a six.
Tasha S
05 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
05 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
05 Feb 2018 ·

Well done, Alicia! Way to fight back against those thoughts and feelings!

Éva H
05 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
05 Feb 2018 ·

You held it together, well done!!! And had the energy to cook a nice meal. Not a bad day at all, you can be proud

Alicia B
06 Feb 2018 ·

Thank you, Jeff and Lieteke, this means more than you can imagine. 💜

Lydia R
07 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
04 Feb 2018 ·
Done a lot of thinking and feeling. It's good to have a direction for growth again.
Lydia R
04 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
04 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
04 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lieteke G
04 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
04 Feb 2018 ·

Seems there is an aspect of our being that is ever creating, ever growing

Lieteke G
04 Feb 2018 ·

You are very right about that Love 1

Cindy M
04 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
04 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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4 Alicia B
03 Feb 2018 ·
A video called 'Six painful Issues of Adult Children of Narcissists' has sent me into a panic attack. Being a blind idiot is no fun. On the bright side, I've walked 10000 steps to relieve my anxiety.
Lydia R
03 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
03 Feb 2018 ·

I'm glad the walking helped!

Manda P
03 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Feb 2018 ·

Yes, I'm glad the walking helped. I'm sure watching that was very hard.

Alicia B
04 Feb 2018 ·

Thank you, girls

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3 Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·
'Better agression than depression', the 17-year-old-me used to say. I was so smart, I need to fully feel that anger so much. I'm angry with my mother and everyone who said the same things she did to
Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

the way too fragile young me. 'Fragile' is the official medical reason I've gone Bipolar, btw. My shrink said that. I'm furious with everyone and anyone who made me want to not be myself, to hide my 'bad' parts, to try and be good enough though it

Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

was never ever ever possible. I've gotten so used to playing a role over the years that I can't stop now, unless I go manic. Maybe being bipolar is just a defence mechanism that allows me to be fully me every once in a while? How inconvenient, oh,my

Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

how very inconvenient for everyone around me. Well, *** them. It looks like I've finally found the people that might take me the way I am. I can't possibly believe that, but I really want to try. How does one learn to be oneself?

Lydia R
31 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
31 Jan 2018 ·

Very good question, and you've wrote about a lot of what my thoughts are circling around at the moment too. I don't have any answers yet, but that 'fragile' comment made me wonder if it's similar for me. Am I fragile? I don't know. I sometimes feel

Lydia R
31 Jan 2018 ·

like that, and after meeting on Sunday discussing my 'diagnosis' it makes me wonder. I hope your anger will help you to understand yourself better, and if it helps, I'm accepting you the way you are (even if online is something else).

Lieteke G
31 Jan 2018 ·

Put yourself first from now on. But I hope you get rid of the anger. Someone wrote to me today: Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other party to die. Quite true, as I think you loose yourself in anger, so finding yourself might be more

Lieteke G
31 Jan 2018 ·

More difficult. But you will and people will accept them for who you are. If not, it is their loss and the are not worth your time (very easy to say, but difficult to do) ❤️

Alicia B
01 Feb 2018 ·

Thank you so much, Lydia and Lieteke. It's true about anger being destructive, or at least hatred. I guess a little anger is part of the healthy emotional package, when the situation calls for it.

Manda P
01 Feb 2018 ·

I feel the same way about my Bipolar Disorder & “me”. I get very angry when confronted like I have complete control over this. I don't know how to be myself because everything is so confusing inside. We'll stick together & love each other as one is.💖

Lieteke G
01 Feb 2018 ·

A friend of mine went through the same. She became very open about her illness and we all learned a lot from her and also learned to tolerate more, as it is beyond her controle.a lot of people don't understand mental illness. You can't see it, so it

Lieteke G
01 Feb 2018 ·

Isn't there. People don't beat yourself up about it. It is their stupidity. It is a difficult situation you are in. We understand. ❤️❤️

Cindy M
01 Feb 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
02 Feb 2018 ·

As i read this i began to wonder if bpd was more common in men than women. Turns out to be the case. Girls, especially, are trained early to be 'good,' 'polite,' etc. To fit in, she suppresses so-called darker aspects of herself.

Love 1
02 Feb 2018 ·

As for learning to be oneself, that sounds like a spiritual path and lifelong endeavor... possibly multiple lives. I dunno.

Mr X
02 Feb 2018 ·

I'm tired and just don't have the energy to write much more. But guess just wanted wanted to do more than hit the hug button. So this is a big virtual hug and a thanks for being so open and sharing. Guess we're all on the same mad roller coaster ;-)

Alicia B
03 Feb 2018 ·

Thank you, Mr X, your support is very much appreciated. Big virtual hug right back at you.

Alicia B
03 Feb 2018 ·

Love, you're right about the lifelong endeavor, but that's what we're here for, right? :)

Love 1
03 Feb 2018 ·

Theres a lot of mystery. I think be open to it and dropping what we think we know can be helpful. Beginner's Mind.

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6 Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·
My borderline friend's behavior seems to be getting better at a crazy peace. He doesn't even have an official diagnosis yet, but has been reading up and has obviously gained some insight into his
Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

inner landscape. As for me, I'm struggling with my codependent tendencies, flashbacking a lot, and my concentration is suffering. I got a good grade on my German test, though. It doesn't affect anything, but good to know.

Anthony M
31 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
31 Jan 2018 ·

Nice to see you see positives in these struggles! alles gut!

Dan P
31 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Éva H
31 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
31 Jan 2018 ·

Wunderbar! I've been having tons of flashbacks too. Negative ones at night stopping me sleeping, positive ones in daytime making me wish for summer.

Lydia R
31 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
31 Jan 2018 ·

Are we throwing in random German words? Fantastisch! Spitzenmäßig! Gut gemacht Alicia! Phänomenal! Gulasch. Knödel. Rotkraut. Gefüllte Paprikaschoten. Überbackener Nudelauflauf. Sauerbraten. I'm hungry....

Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

LOL, LYDIA! Wunderbar was the word that made me want to learn German. It's just so... yummy :) I like words. And languages. And now I'm hungry, too, dammit.

Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

Jeff, thank you :) John, thank you for sharing, it feels nice not to be alone in this, though I wish you didn't have any flashbacks. I was baking a Kraut pie today, even that was sad and OMG.

Jessica P
2d · NEW

*Hugs*

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4 Alicia B
29 Jan 2018 ·
More self-deceit: to this day I find it hard to believe what my ex husband did was abuse. But it was. Emotional, yes. I don't know if he realized it. Frankly, I shouldn't care. Will do my best.
Zoe D
29 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
29 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Dan P
29 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Dan P
29 Jan 2018 ·

Big hugs xxx

Katie Rose S
30 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Katie Rose S
30 Jan 2018 ·

<3 xxx love & hugs

Alicia B
30 Jan 2018 ·

Thank you, my lovelies :)

Manda P
30 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
30 Jan 2018 ·

I think you should care. He abused you. To have someone else do that to you is awful. I'm sorry you had to experience that. *big hugs*

Tasha S
30 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
30 Jan 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
31 Jan 2018 ·

Thank you, Manda. Yes, it sux being a codependent person and falling for that kind of person time and time again, it makes you feel like they're the only ones in existance. Thanks to Pandas, I know now it's not true.

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