Muse's Drones, a Yonex badminton racket and beautiful flowers for my B-Day. Painted, listened to music, talked to sis. This painting called 'Trauma Bond' got the perfect reaction. OMG WTF Jeezus! Something like that. 😁
Is your birthday today, was it yesterday? Aah, I want to congratulate you but not if it's not your b-day yet. 😬
Happy Birthday (again) for yesterday! Glad you had fun!
Sounds like a great day!
Fun. Did you rub it in as we had coached? hehe. Were you like: 'Boom! In your face! How ya like me now?' Slams racket on ground and does victory dance as opponents sulk away in defeat.
Nah :) I did admire myself for a bit there though 😁
a single broken bone in my body. My eyes take contacts well, my muscles learn to do whatever I require at lightning speed, my organs take all the *** I drink and eat and still function perfectly. And still I hate this body for not looking the way
I want it to. I really do deserve an apology from myself. I was stupid, I will do better now, I promise.
You're nice, Alicia! I hope your stupid made-up holiday is/was amazing and full of chocolate and booze (if you're so inclined)!
Yes Jeff, I'm up for some chocolate, I'm dieting (slightly), but I'll walk it off on the moors tomorrow.
Also, Hi! I hope the good moods continue!
I love you, too. :)
My stupid holiday was great, I took a long walk, did some shopping and ate sushi :) oh, and painted
Sadness can move us to create beautiful work- whether a poem, a song, a painting.
I've never been able to sublimate sadness before, I'd just go all limp and bleh. Maybe I've found my way at last.
Sounds good Alicia. I hope it brings you much pleasure
Love anyway, support anyway... :)
Thank you, Love. I know to appreciate those things unlike some people 😁
Could be a purging or purification as well. Those thoughts that were buried in the unconscious surface to conscious awareness. may cause some momentary pain & consternation, but opp to release.
Yes, you were right, that's exactly what happened.
It didn't turn out the way I wanted it, but that's OK, I'll try again. Every time I paint a badge it's for something that happened to me that made a irreversible change to my psyche, it's something I'm not sure one can recover from. So far I've got 3
Wound Medals, and I wear them as proudly as any soldier.
I need major wound medals for 2003, 2004, and especially 2014. Sounds like a great concept!
I would give it a twist, As it is lovely idea to give traumatic events closure! The healing will start afterwards! Thank you for the idea!
I love your idea of a twist, only I don't quite know how to make that visual. A great challenge.
Just thinking loud: after my abusive relationship, I came out much stronger. So I would make a warrior. During my breastcancer, my facebook picture was a glow in the dark My Little Pony (pet scan, you get i jected a fluid which shows where the cancer
Is) so I would make that my medal. Every had thing has its characteristics, which I would like to use.. again, for me a great way to get closure
I love it, Lieteke!
I don't know whom, it's better than sex, better than drugs, etc., etc. Something magical about making the painful stuff visual, real, touchable, even if no-one gets it but me. It's like I've purged it and now instead of feeling it and aching I can
see it, and if not admire it, observe it. I like having my hands dirty, too, having paint under my fingernails, it's like a physical manifestation of how I see myself. Up to my elbows in the stuff of life.
I can't paint for ***. I can't draw. Even my writing is terrible. But that does nothing to diminish the way I feel. I feel free. I feel like a human being. I feel real.
And I love te smell of oil paint, it takes me right back to my childhood, when my sister used to paint at home. I feel safe, and I feel love, and I never want this to end.
I've painted 'Love for a narcissist', and 'Bipolar', and in a week I'll be done with 'Alone'. Thank you, universe.
I love how your spirit shines through. Sigh.
That was so inspirational! Even me, without a creative bone in my body, wants to get something started now.
It really was inspirational, and what you wrote is for me the essence of art and what it can achieve in people. I'd love to take a look at them, but I know it's highly personal. I'm thinking of something modern and expressionistic. Well done! :)
Yes, it's all abstract 😁
Glad to be inspirational :)
Ah who cares if you suck? As long as you love it it's amazing!
I have no artistic talent whatsoever. But something about slathering thick, gooey, colorful paint on a blank canvas is so amazing! :)
it can be calming
I haven't done anything artsy in over 10 years, no idea why I ever stopped because I miss it massively. Glad you like it, and for doing something is almost more important than the end result. It helps me to calm down. :)
I love oil painting
We all need something we enjoy! And even if it looks bad, you had fun doing it. Advise I could give myself as well, as I am a perfectionist, expecting to do everything perfect the first time. But slowly slowly changing...
Love, it makes me excited, not calm, but that's a welcome change. I've had more than enough apathy for one lifetime.
Thank you, Lydia, and Lieteke, for your comments, you've made me feel so warm inside. Understood and accepted. Meow!
Jeff, I love pretty colors but I seem to be using a lot of black, white and yellow when painting. It's so weird, I don't even like those colours. I've painted Bipolar today, and it doesn't look pleasing at all. I guess that's painting the truth :)
I love black, white and yellow (or grey instead of black). Kind of my favourite colour combination at the moment. :)
I've always wondered what bipolar looks like! I've seen pictures of the bipolar bear...he's adorable.
Lydia, you're not gonna believe me, but black, white and yellow were the colors I used and surprised myself with 😁
Oh, right, I guess I've already told you that but forgot :) sorry
I've done that before, Alicia. Sometimes I read someones post and ignore the name and reply like someone else wrote it! You enthusiasm is infectious though! I've got a big box of oil paints, just need to buy canvases and a mat to protect the carpet!
Wow, John, that's amazing :) I don't have a mat, and on of the cats has stepped into paint, so I've spent the day scrubbing the floor and the sofa! You've put such a bit smile on my face though, it's all worth it!
I like your comments and all your personality so much, you wanna connect on FB? I'm not a very talkative person, so don't worry about that. Find Asya Oreshkina if you feel like it. If you don't, it's all good, too. So far I've got no-one from MP onFB
Oh, as for canvasses, you can get like an album of canvas sheets, it's cheaper but works OK for a beginner, too.
Sorry for the autocorrect, I hope you understand me :)
I used to get canvases cheap from a discount/budget shop where I used to live. I'll have to look around, but should be more choices here in the city. I use really big canvases because I just like putting the paint on rather than painting real things.
I only recently got a FB account again, I got it because there's sometimes videos I want to watch without being asked to sign up. You'd be my first friend, so I'll add you, but I'm on there once a month-ish. Do you have Instagram or Twitter instead?
It useful to have a MP person off MP incase you ever need to talk about something you don't want to share publicly, so for that reason, something like Instagram or Twitter I'd check more often.
I've made a decision, to get back in FB slowly, so I should start checking it more often. Also, thanks for liking my comments! That's such a kind thing to say!! (I'm not entirely convinced you meant me??) Anyway, I've sent a friend request...
...and started to put a few old and new photos up just so it's not completely empty. Got a bit triggered looking through the old photos from when I was last very ill... but life moves on.
Yeah, old photos will do that to you sometimes. I still keep them all just in case though :) glad to have you as a fb friend :)
I use facebook a lot. i live abroad, so to keep everyone informed about my adventures, I post every now and then wn update. I am easy to find, as there are only 5 Lietekes in the world ;-)
John, I really want to do big canvasses as well, but that would make painting an expensive hobby. So I'm sticking to A 4 for now
Lieteke, but which one are you? 😁 I'm Asya Oreshkina just in case.
Can't find you. I am Lieteke Grondsma
Found you :)
I saw and excepted it
Well done, Alicia! Way to fight back against those thoughts and feelings!
You held it together, well done!!! And had the energy to cook a nice meal. Not a bad day at all, you can be proud
Thank you, Jeff and Lieteke, this means more than you can imagine. 💜
Seems there is an aspect of our being that is ever creating, ever growing
You are very right about that Love 1
I'm glad the walking helped!
Yes, I'm glad the walking helped. I'm sure watching that was very hard.
Thank you, girls
the way too fragile young me. 'Fragile' is the official medical reason I've gone Bipolar, btw. My shrink said that. I'm furious with everyone and anyone who made me want to not be myself, to hide my 'bad' parts, to try and be good enough though it
was never ever ever possible. I've gotten so used to playing a role over the years that I can't stop now, unless I go manic. Maybe being bipolar is just a defence mechanism that allows me to be fully me every once in a while? How inconvenient, oh,my
how very inconvenient for everyone around me. Well, *** them. It looks like I've finally found the people that might take me the way I am. I can't possibly believe that, but I really want to try. How does one learn to be oneself?
Very good question, and you've wrote about a lot of what my thoughts are circling around at the moment too. I don't have any answers yet, but that 'fragile' comment made me wonder if it's similar for me. Am I fragile? I don't know. I sometimes feel
like that, and after meeting on Sunday discussing my 'diagnosis' it makes me wonder. I hope your anger will help you to understand yourself better, and if it helps, I'm accepting you the way you are (even if online is something else).
Put yourself first from now on. But I hope you get rid of the anger. Someone wrote to me today: Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other party to die. Quite true, as I think you loose yourself in anger, so finding yourself might be more
More difficult. But you will and people will accept them for who you are. If not, it is their loss and the are not worth your time (very easy to say, but difficult to do) ❤️
Thank you so much, Lydia and Lieteke. It's true about anger being destructive, or at least hatred. I guess a little anger is part of the healthy emotional package, when the situation calls for it.
I feel the same way about my Bipolar Disorder & “me”. I get very angry when confronted like I have complete control over this. I don't know how to be myself because everything is so confusing inside. We'll stick together & love each other as one is.💖
A friend of mine went through the same. She became very open about her illness and we all learned a lot from her and also learned to tolerate more, as it is beyond her controle.a lot of people don't understand mental illness. You can't see it, so it
Isn't there. People don't beat yourself up about it. It is their stupidity. It is a difficult situation you are in. We understand. ❤️❤️
As i read this i began to wonder if bpd was more common in men than women. Turns out to be the case. Girls, especially, are trained early to be 'good,' 'polite,' etc. To fit in, she suppresses so-called darker aspects of herself.
As for learning to be oneself, that sounds like a spiritual path and lifelong endeavor... possibly multiple lives. I dunno.
I'm tired and just don't have the energy to write much more. But guess just wanted wanted to do more than hit the hug button. So this is a big virtual hug and a thanks for being so open and sharing. Guess we're all on the same mad roller coaster ;-)
Thank you, Mr X, your support is very much appreciated. Big virtual hug right back at you.
Love, you're right about the lifelong endeavor, but that's what we're here for, right? :)
Theres a lot of mystery. I think be open to it and dropping what we think we know can be helpful. Beginner's Mind.
inner landscape. As for me, I'm struggling with my codependent tendencies, flashbacking a lot, and my concentration is suffering. I got a good grade on my German test, though. It doesn't affect anything, but good to know.
Nice to see you see positives in these struggles! alles gut!
Wunderbar! I've been having tons of flashbacks too. Negative ones at night stopping me sleeping, positive ones in daytime making me wish for summer.
Are we throwing in random German words? Fantastisch! Spitzenmäßig! Gut gemacht Alicia! Phänomenal! Gulasch. Knödel. Rotkraut. Gefüllte Paprikaschoten. Überbackener Nudelauflauf. Sauerbraten. I'm hungry....
LOL, LYDIA! Wunderbar was the word that made me want to learn German. It's just so... yummy :) I like words. And languages. And now I'm hungry, too, dammit.
Jeff, thank you :) John, thank you for sharing, it feels nice not to be alone in this, though I wish you didn't have any flashbacks. I was baking a Kraut pie today, even that was sad and OMG.
Big hugs xxx
<3 xxx love & hugs
Thank you, my lovelies :)
I think you should care. He abused you. To have someone else do that to you is awful. I'm sorry you had to experience that. *big hugs*
Thank you, Manda. Yes, it sux being a codependent person and falling for that kind of person time and time again, it makes you feel like they're the only ones in existance. Thanks to Pandas, I know now it's not true.