shine, I know :) But that's fine, I just need to move more on the reg so I feel better both psychologically and physically. What else? Inga's bought a car today. It's a Renault Twingo, the newer version. I know, living in Germany and buying a French
car, WTF? I dunno, it just happened. It's cute, it's relatively new, it doesn't scream in the 1st gear. 1.2 liter engine. So there we are, two happy chicks in a Twingo. It was my ex's first car, the older version. I tried driving it back then, it
kept stalling on me. He was such a dick about it. I don't say this to just badmouth him, it's because I need to remember he's a dick so I don't miss him when depressed. Gosh, I'm tired of myself.
It's been a good day. Everything was great about it, including the picture I'd cut on my thigh recently. I like it a lot. I was being artistic about it. I know it's messed up, but this is where I am at the moment. I get the addiction to cutting now.
What else? I'm a mess. And also I'm doing good in many ways. I'm studying, looking for a job, feeling positive and strong, and hopeful, and ready to do things that are hard, and trying to be healthy, and trying to be emotionally avalable.
I'm Bipolar, that's what I am. Both ends of the spectrum, often at the same time. I've got a love-hate relationship with myself. Good thing I'm nicer to others now, eh? Whining done now, thank you for reading, friends. Love you, MP. I can't talk to
anyone this way.
Way to go on the run! That's great strides! :) Also, happy to see you happy and feeling positive about things! You're a strong panda for sure!
it sure makes my life easier. Self-harm becoming more of a fascination, though. I wonder why. Trying to get an appointment with a therapist. I need to talk about stuff.
crap. More so than before, because I've started to let myself feel what I'm really feeling, and oh boy, does that sting sometimes. I do remember now why I had my emotions turned off at some point. I don't want to try that again, though. I feel fine
during the day, especially when I move and do stuff, but at night I get all sorts of stupid ideas. Like feeling guilty about my abusive ex. Or seeing the guy I'd strung along for, like, over 10 years? I've got a lot to feel guilty about. I've been
really ***ty in the past. For now, the only thing I have the strength to do is hold on and not do anything I would have done in the past. I feel depleted, sad, underappreciated, boring, ugly, you name it. I probably do have narcissistic traits, and
I do like me some supply. Some admiration, some desire. I don't want to be that person who only feels alive when they are admired. I'm trying to be the real me instead. It's ***ing hard! I'm fine during the day, like I said. But at night I go crazy.
I even want to cut, which is something I haven't done since I was, I dunno, 18? I find myself thinking of a spot on my body where no-one would see it, but there is no such spot, because I'm lucky, I have sex sometimes, and we even keep the lights on.
Anyway, I feel lost. I'm so happy I've got you guys. I'm so happy I've got MP. I'm also getting PHAT from Seruquel, I need to talk to my psychiatrist, but that's not till January. I've lowered the dose back myself. I'm vaping legal CBD these two last
nights. It's really mild, nothing like the real thing, but I feel relaxed and, well, kinder to people. As long as I don't let myself spiral out when I'm alone. It's hard being crazy sometimes, eh? To whomever has read all of this: love ya!
You seem to be a very strong and rational person Alicia. We all have crazy times and just have to ride them through I think. There is no right or wrong or normal. You just keep being you.
Thank you, Pen <3
A brave thing to write, but then you are brave and open. Can't put it better than Pen: you just keep being you. That's who we all love xx
Thank you, Cindy <3
Look at all that green! Yay, Alicia!! 💚
Good for you for doing a run. Hard to start again, especially when you have expectations for what a good run should be, but just enjoy it! Glad you had an ok day!
John's helped me a lot with setting new goals :)
That's great to hear, Alicia! Way to go! Glad you've got John helping ya. He's a pretty good guy. 😜
Yep, I sure am lucky to meet great people like you guys.
We're lucky to have you too! 💖
I want to see it!
That's good to see! Really positive too to be able to recognize the improvement and take comfort in that!
Being depressed sucks, we've been to a skating rink and I've almost learned to go backwards, but I feel no satisfaction. Got a terrible migraine, took a pill and had a nap, but sleepy ever since. Can't wait to get into bed.
Sometimes they go beyond thoughts. This feels like one of the ultimate lows. I also hate the way I look right now, and that's very hard because I've gotten used to place so much importance on my looks. This is my main concern right now.
Once I get back home I'll see a specialist about that.
Sorry, Alicia. I hope you figure out how to deal with this and have support to get through this low! *Big hugs*
Thank you, Jeff, and everyone for the hugs.
So sorry to hear this, Alicia - sending love and strength and keeping you in my thoughts
Thank you, Cindy, you are so sweet, love ya :)
them and be silly. I've missed this thoughtless kind of fun (even though it's been intellectually challenging, no-one's been tense or angry with anyone else because of their mental problems tonight). Great people, a great day, one more half-day to
look forward to tomorrow. If only I can fall asleep and wake up at a decent time. Unlikely! Still feeling emotional and weird in general. But I've painted a fun thingy yesterday, it could go on a t-shirt :)
I'd buy that t shirt!
Wait till you see it :)
was having with myself? What if he was fine, and everyone was fine, what f it's all me? I really do need that therapist stat.
It's not just you. Maybe there were things you could have done differently etc. but you must be k8nd t you
to yourself. Otherwise you will fall deeper into depression. I recommend calling helplines if you feel very low (or even very anxious) before you get an appintment with a therapist. Usually, from my experience, therapy is very helpful xxx
Maybe it's just redefining what 'happy' means. I think you knew that you were better off without your ex. And just because now you're not where you want to be doesn't mean you're not better off! *Big hugs*
Everything that they said. Therapy helps me so much. Sure, I've been slogging through it for over 11 years now & don't have much to show for it, but I'm going to keep on keepin on! You should do the same! 💖
Thank you so much, guys. It means a lot having some validation for these feelings that I can't even share with anyone IRL. Thank you. You are the best, Keeping Track, Jeff and Manda.
ah that's wonderful! You're welcome Alicia! :D xxx
therapy. It doesn't help Bipolar Disorder but I might have a traumatic depression going on since my time in France. That would require therapy to heal. I've got a lot of crap going through my mind. I'd love to talk to someone about it. I never feel
like I have the right to do so with my friends. I probably really need a therapist for that.
Hope you have a great weekend, Alicia. 💖
Thank you, dear
Autumn is my favourite season, though I understand why some people feel as Inga does. Your classes will be inspirational again - you're one of the most inspirational people I know!
Thank you, Cindy😚
I have a love/hate relationship with the season. It's beautiful & I love the smell & feel of the air. Plus, I like all Halloween related anything! The only thing that gets me is the days that are too cold & just the fact of the evil next season.
Cindy is right about you being inspirational. You are a HUGE inspiration to me! 💖💚💖
Autumn is my favourite forever and ever and ever (except it feels more like winter today!).
Aww, thank you, girls! You make me feel special. You are the best and I love you.
John, mine, too. The melancholy feels so right.
I've also greatly enjoyed James Acaster's Repertoire. Right now I'm watching Daniel Sloss, also several episodes instead of just one show, which is perfect for a depressed individual :) They are all available on Netflix (at least here in Germany).
Playing the guitar is also nice when not in the mood for anything. Singing takes energy, that's for good days, but some quiet guitar music is good. I've done that yesterday, want to continue today as well.
Oh, I'm going to a concert tonight as well. Folk Indy weird Russian something. Feeling almost up to it.
Folk Indy Weird Russian Something is a great band name! I looked them up on Google but couldn't find them. I hope you enjoy the show! I'll have to look up some of those comedians on netflix!
Enjoy the concert. Try Stewart Lee. Stick with this past the jokes mentioning people you might not know about... https://youtu.be/Ek9_GQa1lgc
LOL Jeff, no, they are called Iva Nova, that was just my attempt at describing their style. I'm not good at that, I don't know music.
John, you're right, I don't know anyone in there, but the beautiful metaphor at the end was worth it xD
I was teasing, Alicia. :) If you liked them, you might check out DeVotChKa (kinda indie folky gypsy).
Thank you, I'll check them out :) I'm not a fan of Ive Nova though, just went to the concert to keep my friends company.
I started doing that in the first place. Working now on accepting my dark side. An interesting experience when mood is not completely in the gutter.
Oh, no. You know I know exactly what you are feeling, lady. I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it go away. *big big gigantic squeeze your guts out hugs* 💖💚💜💕❤️💙💗💞 xx
Thank you, Manda. It helps so much to read 'I know how you're feeling'.
The drinking does NOT help. I've finally (finally finally) realized that. Oh, god, thank god. The thought of drinking almost makes me feel sick to stomach. I have an unopened box of tonic water for G&Ts that I don't know what to do with. I hope you..
...can find the strength to stop, Alicia. Thinking of you & sending lots of strengthening & comforting hugs. xx
Thank you for sharing this, Manda. I'll try and follow your example.
that could look like a belief you deserve something just by virtue of being you. It will happen sooner or later. You will get it, because you deserve it. And in the meantime you just resent those who've already got it. Nasty, nasty feeling.
I get cool dreams and ideas when I'm depressed, but I can't wait for this one to be over. I'm tired of feeling tired, and of having to compensate for lost time the moment I feel better. Ugh.