6.4 avg
  378 days
  2424 hugs
  83 followers
6 Alicia B
4h ·
A lot of psychological work. Feels like there's progress, but it's very slow. Did an experiment last night. Closed my eyes and talked myself into believing I'm cute, and I don't have to be perfect,
Alicia B
4h ·

etc., then looked up at myself in the mirror, and I looked fine. Then closed my eyes and thought all the negative things I usually think. Looked up, saw a fat ugly mug. Wow. This *** is real, people! Started this morning with a big pep talk.

Alicia B
4h ·

The reflection is OK. Some parts of it are quite nice. I am very impressed with what I've learned about myself. Keeping up some excercising also helps to keep calm (but not too much, I'm lazy)

John T
4h ·

Slow progress sticks better than fast progress. Keep going.

John T
4h ·

*Hugs*

Maite P
4h ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
2h ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
2h ·

That's awesome. Keep it up!

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5 Alicia B
3d ·
I used to be great at escapism. The time before sleep used to be the best. Watch something, drink some wine, or read something with no wine and feel all cozy. I can't seem to do that tonight.
Alicia B
3d ·

I'm unsettled and anxious. I keep going back to the things and people connected to my body dysmorphia. Could that be because I've decided to feel everything there is to feel?

Alicia B
3d ·

I sort of hope so. I hope it means there's work to be done rather than I'm more broken then before.

Ellie B
3d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
2d ·

*Hugs*

John T
2d ·

*Hugs*

John T
2d ·

Tomorrow is a totally different day, so is tge day after. Having a mood disorder two things are important, accepting changes in mood, and remembering that changes will come when mood is uncomfortable.

Jeff M
2d ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
24h ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
4h ·

Thank you, John, thank you everyone.

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7 Alicia B
3d ·
Been to Wurzburg (or something like that) yesterday to celebrate be getting my German ID. Walked around the castle, drank some wine sitting on a wall, then had sushi. Inga is super sweet when drunk :D
John T
3d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
3d ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
3d ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
24h ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
5d ·
Upset stomach all day, but mood is good. Done some chores. Possibility of translating a book. Into English. Could I pull this off? I'm not a native speaker. I guess it's doable with a good editor. Yay
Cindy M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
5d ·

Your English is amazing - of course you could pull it off (and everyone needs an editor:)) Hope you feel better soon

Janine S
5d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
4d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
4d ·

True, Cindy, everyone does. Thank you!

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7 Alicia B
6d ·
Trivia quiz, talking about hated and loved TV shows with people, wine, riding passenger on a motorcycle (exhilarating), wanting to learn to drive a chopper myself, other plans for the future. Fun day.
Penelope P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
5d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
5d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
5d ·

I love your plans! Such a cool Panda :)

Alicia B
5d ·

Thank you, Cindy :)

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5 Alicia B
7d ·
After some conflict at home depression strikes. I feel numb and tired, constantly about to fal asleep as if I want to turn off. I guess in a way I do. I've been running from my emotions for years.
Alicia B
7d ·

They can be scary. I get angry and say things I shouldn't, I get sad and want to kill myself, I start seeing life as a long chain of losses. But to loose someone or something you need to get them first, right? So it's also a chain of findings, and

Alicia B
7d ·

meeting people, and trying new things, and learning new things. I want to choose to feel and experience it all again. I don't want to be this scared little mouse in the corner, so afraid of her own feelings that she's playing dead most of the time.

Alicia B
7d ·

No, mice don't play dead, but you get me, pandas, right? I am ready to let it all flood in, I'm ready to live. I am trying starting now.

Noel L
7d ·

Go for it Alicia let it all in. I wish you all the luck in the world to find what you seek ♥️

Jeff M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
7d ·

Scared little possum? They play dead, don't they? I don't think I've ever really seen a possum. Regardless, I very much appreciate your perspective and how much you have learned from these experiences! Very encouraging!

John T
7d ·

*Hugs*

Mary M
7d · NEW

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
7d ·

Stay strong! You can do it! :)

Cindy M
7d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
7d ·

I know you can do this xx

Lydia R
7d ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
6d ·

Thank you all for your support <3

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6 Alicia B
07 Aug 2018 ·
Boring day at home yesterday, then went shopping for clothes with Alex. That was kind of fun. I want to get a punching bag. Good anger release, exercise plus I could learn to punch someone real hard.
Alicia B
07 Aug 2018 ·

Just in case. There are all sorts of people around.

Jeff M
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
07 Aug 2018 ·

Don't forget to work in kicks too!

Kym S
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
7d ·

Yeah, Jeff, good idea :)

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5 Alicia B
06 Aug 2018 ·
Yesterday was not an optimal day, I've been sad for the most of it due to an argument with Alex (that dude is complicated, and so am I). Had a great swim in the lake with Inga, though. Very sporty.
Cindy M
06 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
06 Aug 2018 ·

I'm glad the good balanced the bad! Swimming sounds so nice. I can't remember the last time I went swimming...

John T
06 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

V R
06 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Laird Wolfgang Schuster S
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
05 Aug 2018 ·
All my life I've had the feeling people around me were unwilling or unable to be open and be themselves. It's different on here, on MP. You guys are real, and I want to thank you for that. You've
Alicia B
05 Aug 2018 ·

helped me connect to humanity again. You've given me something to hold on to. People in my real life are mostly hiding behind masks, but I know now it's not the only way to be. Thank you all, and thank you MP

Penelope P
05 Aug 2018 ·

Bless you Alicia, you are so loved on here. Wish I had you in real life.

Penelope P
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Ade W
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
05 Aug 2018 ·

I second Penelope's comment xx

Kym S
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
05 Aug 2018 ·

To be open, vulnerable & authentic around others takes a deg of courage. Yet, I find we can connect @a much deeper level when we are real, when we speak from the heart, when we lose the fear of expressing what is alive in us @ any given moment

Manda P
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
05 Aug 2018 ·

So glad to have you here as well, Alicia. 💖 I'm incredibly thankful for MP too!

John T
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
06 Aug 2018 ·

Thank you so much, Penelope, Cindy and Manda, and everyone. Love you guys. Love, I totally agree, I wish I could have known this earlier.

Alicia B
06 Aug 2018 ·

I wish I had you IRL too, Penelope <3

Penelope P
06 Aug 2018 ·

Awww xxx

Laird Wolfgang Schuster S
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
03 Aug 2018 ·
Inga and I have gone on th Dyke Parade today, because she's working tomorrow and can't make the Gay Pride. It was great! So much more inclusive than the Pride. We could just walk along with everyone
Alicia B
03 Aug 2018 ·

behind the drummers and dance and have an amazing time. I started march-dancing straight away, because we're not gonne make anyone like us more by just walking around sulking because of the heat, right? Soon enough, other people around me were dancin

Alicia B
03 Aug 2018 ·

too? It's contagious, I've known that for a while now. And I felt a wonderful sense of freedom. I'm bi, I'm a little on the plump side (can't say 'fat' anymore, therapist is against it), I'm here with my girl, and I'm having fun with my people who

Alicia B
03 Aug 2018 ·

are not going to hurt me or look at me funny because I'm a part of this thing. I was really happy back there. Aaaand we went to a lesbian bar afterwards, just to look around and have some wine with sparkling water (genius German thing). It was very

Alicia B
04 Aug 2018 ·

homey and nice, and everyone was just a delight. The sky was unbelievably beautiful at sunset. A lady stopped us in th street to tell us we were looking lovely, and intelligent, and just too cute, and to wish us love and all the good things in life.

Alicia B
04 Aug 2018 ·

What a day. Going out is good for me and people like me, but what's better is going out with the right people. One of the best days of my life, this one.

Lydia R
04 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
04 Aug 2018 ·

Sounds wonderful, I'm happy for you. ❤️

Tasha S
04 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
04 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
05 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Laird Wolfgang Schuster S
07 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·
When I swim I love my body because it's so good at it without ever taking a single lesson. When I swim I have no body dysmorphia either. When I swim I am relaxed and sane. When I'm lying on my back
Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

, when I swim. Thank you, planet Earth, for the water.

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

MP's just swallowed two comments; Will start over. When I'm lying on my back in the middle of a lake, I feel free, and joyful, the person I wish I was. I can swim so far no-one will follow me. I look at the birds in the sky and feel akin to them,

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

just as free in my element as they are.

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

oh, today I've been to the pool, so I could measure how much I'd swum. It was 1 km, and far from enough. At the lake I still feel I want more at that point. Not showing off, just wondering about how I usually do. 1 km counts as excercise, right? I

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

I've been checking out crawl stroke these last few times, I don't do it right because I don't have contacts and goggles, but anyway it makes some new muscles on my back work, I can feel that.

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

I love lakes, though. They are so still they reflect the sky, and when you're far out it feels like you're swimming through the sky, and the clouds, and the setting sun.

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

I wish I could paint this feeling. I don't know how yet.

Penelope P
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Aug 2018 ·

Omg! That was beautiful! Have you tried to paint it? I don't even know how to swim but BF & I were just saying we'd like to like on a lake one day!

Alicia B
03 Aug 2018 ·

Thank you, Manda. I haven't tried yet, but I will. It'll be abstract though.

sonny S
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Aug 2018 ·

Which will make it even more amazing! 😍

Cindy M
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
01 Aug 2018 ·
It's been one year since I've moved to Germany, and thus one year with Inga. It flew by, oh, my. With my exes it felt like an eternity, but maybe because she's a girl, or because we do so much stuff,
Alicia B
01 Aug 2018 ·

and we travel, and we've got Alex here with his cray-cray going on, this experience has been totally different. I'm happy about this year, I don't regret having lived it. I'm happy today. Tomorrow is another anniversary coming, it might be a good

Alicia B
01 Aug 2018 ·

reason to paint.

Natalie C
01 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
01 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
02 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
02 Aug 2018 ·

Congrats! I love the idea of being able to look back and ahead and say 'Right now, I am happy.' I think it's amazing. :)

John T
02 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
02 Aug 2018 ·

Thank you

Cindy M
02 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
03 Aug 2018 ·

Yeah, that it is really great! BF is trying to get me to focus on the now. Only the now.

Alicia B
03 Aug 2018 ·

I'm trying to do that, too. It's great when it works.

sonny S
03 Aug 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
31 Jul 2018 ·
Still doing good. Trying to listen to my feelings again daily. It was a good habit, I need that otherwise I suppress like nobody's business. Hope you are all well.
Kym S
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
31 Jul 2018 ·

I am also terrible for suppressing emotions, MP has been a big help with facing how I'm feeling

Penelope P
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Janine S
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Zoe D
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

V R
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
31 Jul 2018 ·

Looking good, Alicia! Keep at it! 💖

Alicia B
01 Aug 2018 ·

Thank you, 🐼 friends

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7 Alicia B
30 Jul 2018 ·
Yesterday I've cleaned the house, helped A. finish his motorbike, feeling motivated and stable. Painted twice in the last three days. Feels good.
Lydia R
30 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
30 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
31 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
28 Jul 2018 ·
Inga's gone to visit her parents. I have learned to enjoy alone time, so that's what I'm doing. Painted a pic.
Penelope P
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jimbob W
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Amelia P
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
28 Jul 2018 ·

Alone time can be precious, relaxing, rejuvenating.

John T
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
28 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
28 Jul 2018 ·

Glad you enjoyed it! What did you paint? I'm so afraid of alone time.

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8 Alicia B
26 Jul 2018 ·
Amazing swim in the lake. Inga rowed across it and back while I swam. A few times. It's cool to have someone with you for a long swim. Meditating while lying on my back in the water, the quiet, the
Alicia B
26 Jul 2018 ·

setting sun, the brilliant drops of water falling from my hand at every stroke. Wonderful. It was perfect. And I swam at least 1.5 km, so that's great.

Keeping Track A
26 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Keeping Track A
26 Jul 2018 ·

sounds amazing Alicia! 😊

Jeff M
26 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
26 Jul 2018 ·

Great job with the swim. Sounds like a lovely experience!

Penelope P
26 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
26 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
26 Jul 2018 ·

Sounds awesome! Glad you got to enjoy that.

Alicia B
27 Jul 2018 ·

Thank you, pandas

Bipolar Bear .
27 Jul 2018 ·

That sounds wonderful. When I visited Arkansas I swam in a lake for the first time and it was amazing. I've never felt more at peace and connected with nature. I'm so happy you got to experience that!

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6 Alicia B
25 Jul 2018 ·
Yesterday was messy. Cried and painted for 2 hours, went to trivia quiz, got 3rd place, got drunk, talked to a stranger till 3am. Feeling tired. A mini roster episode of hypomania? Or pill withdrawal
Alicia B
25 Jul 2018 ·

I hate auto-correct

Jeff M
25 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
25 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
25 Jul 2018 ·

Turn it off then!

John T
25 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
25 Jul 2018 ·

But but... Then I'll have to type every letter, and I'm lazy :(

V R
25 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
25 Jul 2018 ·

Prediction and auto correct are separate things 🙂

Cindy M
25 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
25 Jul 2018 ·

I see. It's the prediction, then, that I meant.

Manda P
26 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
26 Jul 2018 ·

Does sound messy. Sorry you had to deal with that. What kind of pill withdrawal?

Alicia B
27 Jul 2018 ·

I stopped the contraceptive pill. I imagine that can affect the mood.

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6 Alicia B
24 Jul 2018 ·
Had a long bike ride yesterday and a picnick. Since I've stopped taking contraceptive pills I feel very emotional. I've read depression can be a side effect of those, plus they somewhat tune down
Alicia B
24 Jul 2018 ·

one's libido. I don't know if that's true, will see soon if anything changes. Treating it as an experiment. I don't need them right now anyway.

Jeff M
24 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
24 Jul 2018 ·

They definitely mess with your hormones. Nice to see you had a good day! A picnic sounds so pleasant!

John T
24 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Penelope P
24 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Margot L
25 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Love 1
25 Jul 2018 ·

Sounds like a beautiful day. Also sounds like you have awareness of the transition your body is making and are aware of how this will affect the mind and mood.

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6 Alicia B
23 Jul 2018 ·
Things are good, except for a borderline episode. My friend A. says he's upset we don't take his pain seriously, but I find it hard when the reason seems so miniscule. Like changing weekend walk plan,
Alicia B
23 Jul 2018 ·

or losing his favorite chopsticks. Any advice? :(

Jeff M
23 Jul 2018 ·

Those probably aren't the real cause of his pain or anger or whatever...they might be triggers. He probably has other things going on, or maybe he doesn't even know why he's feeling pain.

Jeff M
23 Jul 2018 ·

I'd say just let him express what he's feeling, so he knows he has people who care. And even if it seems silly, accept it without judgement. Only advice I can give...

Jeff M
23 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
23 Jul 2018 ·

Thank you, Jeff, I appreciate it. Will do my best to have no judgement :)

Alicia B
23 Jul 2018 ·

It's hard for me, because we can't talk about what's underneath the silly reason. I think he's scared or something. And the superficial reason is hard to take seriously. Will try tho

Manda P
23 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
23 Jul 2018 ·

I hate mental health issues. 😢

Tasha S
23 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
23 Jul 2018 ·

Me too. It feels like such a waste of life sometimes. We learn a lot from them, though. Right? 🙁

Cindy M
23 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
21 Jul 2018 ·
Got a new long story summer dress that looks great and a pair of sporty sandals for walks in the woods and such. Feeling good. Tired, though.
Alicia B
21 Jul 2018 ·

Lol * long story dress * sounds fun

Janine S
22 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
22 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
22 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
22 Jul 2018 ·

It does :)

Tasha S
22 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
22 Jul 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
22 Jul 2018 ·

It does sound fun! I wish I could see it. I bet you look beautiful. I want a summer dress!

Alicia B
23 Jul 2018 ·

Thank you 😚

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