6.4 avg
  405 days
  2624 hugs
  88 followers
5 Alicia B
1h ·
Some chores, 2 canvas sheets primed (cause I know they should be now), nothing more to show for this day. Having my mind free of diet and food thoughts's freed up a lot of space for all the emotions
Alicia B
1h ·

I've been avoiding. I feel the adolescent longing for something special, for an adventure, for a connection like no other. Trouble is, I've had that and it turned out to be the most traumatic experience in my life. I'd grown a lot from it, too, but

Alicia B
1h ·

obviously not enough if I'm still yearning for that unnamed something, or someone. There's so much more to life than being madly in love and loved back but what can compare? Trying hard to keep a handle on this. IN a hypomania that would normally

Alicia B
1h ·

lead me to get attached to someone I shouldn't be attached to. I'm smarter this time, but am I happier? No. I have something close to normal for the first time in my life with Inga, but I still crave the abnormal. I wanted to paint it today but I

Alicia B
1h ·

don't know how.

Alicia B
45m ·

Oh, also I've gaines 2 kilos, and it's making me crazy but only from time to time and not all day like it would have before. I'm still scared ***less of getting bigger though. I don't know what I'm going to do about that yet.

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6 Alicia B
12h ·
First day of German was complicated. Quite a leap between A2 and B1. The teacher speaks super fast. That's good, that's how real Germans talk, right? Threw out a ton of old clothes and shoes.
me M
12h ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
10h ·

*Hugs*

John T
5h ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
2d ·
As for today, feeling super chill, like I'm on drugs almost. Watching trees in the wind and angels on graves ( excursion at an old cemetery was great). It's good to be me today.
Zoe D
2d ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
2d ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
2d ·

I love to hear this. Sounds like a beautiful day

Tasha S
2d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
1d ·

*Hugs*

Metron A
1d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
1d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
1d ·

What a wonderful day! I wouldn't mind checking out being you for a day!

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6 Alicia B
2d ·
Migraines and preparing for going back to learning German. Motivated! Got all the grammar tables in order.
Zoe D
2d ·

*Hugs*

Bipolar Bear .
2d ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
2d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
1d ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
4d ·
First dance lesson of the season yesterday, back muscles got a great workout. Migraine after, very painful like bad old times. Weather changing.
Bipolar Bear .
4d ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
4d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
3d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
3d ·

I am having an

Manda P
3d ·

Blargh. ...I am having an awful time with the weather change!

Alicia B
2d ·

Hope you feel better soon, little Manda

Manda P
1d ·

Thank you, Alicia! 💖

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5 Alicia B
6d ·
Played trivia quiz yesterday, we started well but effed up the end. Alex had a fit and blamed me in very aggressive terms. Naturally I told him I didn't like his tone and if he's gonna be like that I
Alicia B
6d ·

might not play with him anymore. Of course, he saw himself as a victim who didn't get emotional support when upset. No, I don't support people who attack me, whatever the reason. My duty is to defend myself first. I've stepped on my feelings long eno

Alicia B
6d ·

enough, thank you very much.

Jeff M
6d ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
6d ·

Damn straight! You have every right to defend yourself, and the fact that he plays the victim when he's in the wrong says all anyone needs to know! Sorry you didn't do so well this time!

Cindy M
5d ·

*Hugs*

John T
5d ·

*Hugs*

John T
5d ·

Alex sounds like he needs DBT. *takes psychiatrist hat off* Look after yourself, Alicia, you deserve your self care and a lot more.

Robert H
5d ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
5d ·

Good for you for standing up for yourself like that. This makes me really want to work on not taking my bad moods out on BF.

Alicia B
5d ·

You guys rock :) JEFF, it's OK, it's just a game (to me anyways), and I had a lot of fun before the actual crisis. JOHN, impressive! He's got Borderline. You're one good shrink :D MANDA, it's hard being blamed for just expressing my feelings in a

Alicia B
5d ·

calm way, for sure. Makes me feel like I don't matter to this person AT ALL. Makes me want to just check out emotionally.

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6 Alicia B
7d ·
This one is not just about food, bear with me. The Intuitive Eating book tells you to listen to your hunger levels and feed your body when and what it needs. Learning to do this takes time, one might
Alicia B
7d ·

be really disconnected from one's desires. What I'm starting to see in myself is a disconnect from most physical aspects of life. TMI coming your way, but when I need to go to the bathroom it's like always an emergency. Nothing, nothing, then bladder

Alicia B
7d ·

about to burst. Also, sex. I don't want to have sex anymore. Unless there's some outside stimulation, and then all of a sudden I want it very much, maybe three times in a row, please and thank you.

Alicia B
7d ·

I am the horniest when I meditate, basically. As soon as I am back in my head I'm like that friggin song Free From Desire (LOL, John, I like your version better). I don't know my body anymore. Food for thought, eh?

Penelope P
7d ·

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
7d ·

*Hugs*

John T
7d ·

*thumbs up Emoji* credit goes to the duo Phatworld for the remix

Jeff M
7d ·

Hmm...interesting. The whole disconnect with our bodies. Thinking about that. I think it happens as we get older. We NEED things less or are just less aware of those things. Interesting how your conscious thoughts interfere...

Alicia B
7d ·

I agree, it happens with age, as do low grade depressions, and maybe it shouldn't be that way, maybe we make too many rules and too little time to listen to ourselves.

Lydia R
7d ·

*Hugs*

Natalie K
7d · NEW

*Hugs*

sonny S
6d ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·
I got this book called 'Intuitive Eating' and started reading it. I check all the boxes in a test for a bad relationship with food, of course. The hardest thing they ask of you in the beginning is to
Tasha S
17 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

put the desire to loose weight on a backburner. I can't do that yet, but since I've started doing the other things they advise I don't have any weird cravings in the middle of the night. That's a huge relief, because either you give in and feel

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

guilty, or you don't and feel miserable. It's a great book, truly (I'm only four chapters in though). I talked to Inga about it and it turns out she already knows pretty much everything about intuitive eating. She's never had weight problems

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

or eating disorder problems, but she was interested in the subject at some point and read up on it. She looked me in the eye and said: 'You'll never be skinny, you know. That's just not your body type.' Then paused.

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

Then repeated: 'You'll never be skinny'. It felt bad. I mean, I used to be much thinner than now back when I had one tiny meal a day. I was hungry all the time, I had a headache all the time, but I looked good. Really good as I see now in the photos.

Lydia R
17 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

I still FELT fat and ugly back then. What Inga said made me realize I have made a choice and must not deny the consequences. I'll never be skinny. If I'm lucky, I'll get to see what my body thinks I'm supposed to be like. That would be amazing,

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

actually. I'm so curious about that. But first, I need to grieve that dream, even obsession that I've had ever since I was 11 and my dear mom told me I needed to eat less, and my sister got the pictures of 90s supermodels hanging around the apartment

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

I'll never be perfect, that's a given. But I'll never be even just thin. This is something for me to process in the coming days. I feel so good physically though.

Lydia R
17 Sep 2018 ·

I think I know how you must feel, skinny also isn't my body type, slim and normal and healthy could be achievable, but never skinny and fair and delicate. But as much as I'd like to be that I also don't have a problem anymore not ever being skinny.

Lydia R
17 Sep 2018 ·

I like the way you're handling this because I know how hard this can be (and I still have those days when I despair over my body), but in my opinion feeling good in ones own body and being healthy is the best what can happen to us. You don't have to

Lydia R
17 Sep 2018 ·

be skinny to be loveable. You're already lovely no matter what your body looks like. It's a hard fight but I'm sure you'll emerge as the winner!

Alicia B
17 Sep 2018 ·

Thank you, Lydia, you are so sweet <3 It's helpful to hear from someone who's ahead of me in the process, too :)

me M
17 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
17 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Kym S
17 Sep 2018 ·

It's a tough one. I relate to what you say a lot.. Even at my thinnest I still thought I was overweight. Nowadays I'm trying to focus on being muscular, instead of thin, and it's helped my self image a lot.

paul M
17 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
17 Sep 2018 ·

https://youtu.be/r7LLBBGOfKY

Manda P
17 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
17 Sep 2018 ·

You are gorgeous no matter your weight, Alicia. We really need to pound this into our heads. Sorry to hear that you had to grow up in that environment. What is the trick to not give into the middle of the night cravings?

Alicia B
7d ·

Thank you Manda <3 Your words do mean a lot. The trick is, well, you gotta make yourself believe that when you're hungry you'll eat something nice no matter what where and when. When your subconscious believes you're free to eat whenever, and you've

Alicia B
7d ·

eaten enough during the day, you won't binge , like ever.

Alicia B
7d ·

The thing is you gotta eat :) And listen to your hunger, and not starve yourself. Forget dieting altogether. Which is HARD.

Manda P
5d ·

Yep, I've started to restrict again. Not good. I sleep through breakfast on the weekdays. Will try to start adding something small before I lay back down & really makes an effort to eat more than just a piece of string cheese for lunch.

Alicia B
5d ·

Maybe you could get that book, too, Intuitive Eating? It's awesome. Advised by a therapist specializing in Eating Disorders. I can't say it's the cure for all, but it might help a little bit.

Alicia B
5d ·

It really puts in you in zone for working on those issues. Which is the most important for me. Not just excercises, but a good understanding of what's going on in my head.

Alicia B
5d ·

Kym, you're right, it'd be cool to be strong and muscular, but I'm too lazy for that :( Plus, no real high from sport (I hear it's common for Bipolar peeps). Ugh.

Manda P
5d ·

I wrote the title down & will add it to my wishlist when I get home. Thanks for the recommendation! xx

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7 Alicia B
15 Sep 2018 ·
Helped Alex with motorbike, painted, did some chores. In the evening mum wrote back all smiles and jokes. It works pretty well when I ignore the accusations. Mood's been good, and dreams are back.
Alicia B
15 Sep 2018 ·

I've always had very vivid, colourful and emotional dreams, but after a few years of abuse they've gone, with the exception of an occasional nightmare. I hated that; my dreams have always been a joy. Could I finally be getting over it all? I've been

Alicia B
15 Sep 2018 ·

no contact for a year and two months. I've been feeling much less emotional about the whole thing for the last month. There have been no changes in my life during this time, meds or otherwise, so I guess it's just that the time had come for me to

Alicia B
15 Sep 2018 ·

break free. I'm so happy it's only required a little over a year. I'd been prepared to withstand it for much longer.

Jen B
15 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
16 Sep 2018 ·

Here's to moving on! It felt so great to stand up to my ex & say I couldn't talk. Maybe one day I'll cut him off completely.

Penelope P
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

me M
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

paul M
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
16 Sep 2018 ·

Yes, Manda, they say no contact is the only way to heal completely.

Manda P
17 Sep 2018 ·

Which explains why my therapist strongly pushed for me to block him. I don't feel like there is anything to heal but I assume that just means there is actually a lot to heal?

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7 Alicia B
14 Sep 2018 ·
This is for yesterday cuz I forgot. I had a nice day, used a primer for the first time, and some sand, and some black sparkly powder for a painting. And some sheet silver, too. Such fun!
Jeff M
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

paul M
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
15 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
15 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
16 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
16 Sep 2018 ·

Oop! Two hugs for you! You must be on my nice list! 😉

Alicia B
16 Sep 2018 ·

😁 I'm one lucky Panda

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5 Alicia B
14 Sep 2018 ·
Mom is in one of her depressed moods, thinking a lot about the fact that she is alone (without my sister and me, that is) in Moscow, and we don't want to do anything to help her immigrate. As if it
Jeff M
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
15 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

paul M
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
14 Sep 2018 ·

was that easy. Just find me someone for a sham marriage, she said. As if people were walking around looking for that kind of thing. Are they? Am I missing something? Anyway, telling me I'm a bad daughter is not going to help her.

Alicia B
15 Sep 2018 ·

She's got friends and acquaintances, people to go places with and to travel with, but she is scared of being old with no relatives around (no siblings, both kids living in Europe), plus she finds fault with everyone at some point. I guess she's

Alicia B
15 Sep 2018 ·

always been difficult, I've never thought about it before but it seems that way. And getting her to come live here is not as easy as she thinks. I feel for her on one hand but I don't do guilt trips anymore.

Lydia R
15 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
14 Sep 2018 ·

Can you get her thinking about meeting new people? Sounds like she needs more company in her life and she can get that anywhere there's people (or cats).

Ida T
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
12 Sep 2018 ·
Painted finally today, and I want to do it tomorrow, too. Need the new paints to complete today's pic though, so waiting on that. Watched a funny Woody Allen movie (To Rome With Love). Feeling good.
Alicia B
12 Sep 2018 ·

I've already told this to one panda, but I'll repeat myself here. When our Airbnb guy on Malta heard I painted he asked me to sent my stuff to his son who owns a gallery. I should have been scared ***less, but I wasn't. I send him my instagram link

Alicia B
12 Sep 2018 ·

and he replied saying I had a lovely portfolio and that if I'm ever on Malta again he wants to take my friends and me out to lunch. Feels like a compliment. I keep getting them from a lot of people and I have no idea why. I used to want to be a

Alicia B
12 Sep 2018 ·

writer, and I worked do hard on my stories but never got an all-positive feedback. Before that I dreamt of singing, but no-one appreciated that, either. 'Your voice is gonna be nice if you work at it' was the best I got. And now I have something I do

Alicia B
12 Sep 2018 ·

for myself, and I really don't care if anyone likes it or not. I do it because it makes me happy, and because it helps me work through stuff. Isn't life funny?

Alicia B
12 Sep 2018 ·

I feel so lucky to not be needing any feedback at all. To finally be free.

Lin B
12 Sep 2018 ·

I feel happy for you

Robert H
12 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
12 Sep 2018 ·

What a great achievement to feel like that - envious!

Jeff M
13 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 Sep 2018 ·

That is an amazing achievement. All creative endeavors should be first and foremost for the creator. If others like it, bonus. How wonderful that you have something that makes you feel good (and that others appreciate)!

John T
13 Sep 2018 ·

You know that feeling when you feel like you've read something before...

John T
13 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
13 Sep 2018 ·

😁

sonny S
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

That's awesome, Alicia! I'm so happy for you. That must be such a good feeling. I hope you keep posting photos of them on Instagram though!

Alicia B
14 Sep 2018 ·

Aw, thank you, Manda :) I will post them once I paint a few new ones, I've had a three week break while on vacation.

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6 Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·
I've had this dream recently that an old friend of mine had died from anorexia. Starved herself to death. I thought, how is that possible? She was so king, and smart, and BEAUTIFUL, and she'd left 2
me M
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·

small children behind, and for what? She was perfect, why couldn't she see that? It felt so obvious to me, and I cried and I wished she had been kinder to herself, and never tried to be perfect, just stayed with us the way she was. When I woke up I

Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·

was relieved but at the same time I couldn't help but think my subconscious was telling me loud and clear to start feeling better about myself. I'm not anorexic, I've just recently seen a movie about it. But I get the feeling sort of. I wish we could

Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·

all start loving ourselves a little more. Hugs to all pandas.

Bipolar Bear .
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Penelope P
12 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

paul M
12 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

Let's be super nice to ourselves today, Alicia! 💖

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6 Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·
Don't know how to rate today. It's been nice to spend some time alone for th first time in weeks. I've been really cheerful all day. But now I'm a little sad, thinking about my mom all alone in Moscow
Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·

my sister who's gotten so skinny it scares me, especially after everything I've read about Eating Disorders. She does eat, and I think she's quite healthy physically for now, but who knows what's going on in her head and where it'll take her? I think

Alicia B
11 Sep 2018 ·

I'm entering a depressive phase today, thinking of all the people who are not here, and things of the past, and going all sentimental. I'll give myself a six, though, and tomorrow I'll definitely be painting. I've missed doing it sooo much.

paul M
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
10 Sep 2018 ·
Day started off bad after an argument with Alex and a feeling of total hopelessness about this friendship. Tired of being blamed for another person's mood swings and feelings of self-hate. I sound
Alicia B
10 Sep 2018 ·

like a dick right now, I know. I've blamed people for my feelings plenty in my lifetime. But I had no diagnosis back then and no clue that I was mentally ill. I thought everyone felt this way. We both are much more aware now, and we should act

Alicia B
10 Sep 2018 ·

accordingly. Inga has saved my mood though, she dragged me to go buy some stuff for the apartment and some shoes for her, and then have a driving lesson with her. We laughed our asses off in the process. I'm all better now.

Penelope P
10 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
10 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
10 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

paul M
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
08 Sep 2018 ·
Happy to be back home. Just resting today.
Ian H
09 Sep 2018 · NEW

*Hugs*

Manda P
09 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
09 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
09 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
10 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
08 Sep 2018 ·
Yesterday was a bit stressful, but it's gonna get better with time.
Ian H
09 Sep 2018 · NEW

*Hugs*

Manda P
09 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
09 Sep 2018 ·

Great positivity!

Lydia R
09 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
09 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
06 Sep 2018 ·
Walked around several cute towns, saw an old farmhouse, took Mom back to my sister's. Tired but happy.
Cindy M
06 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
06 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Nakila C
06 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
06 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Manda P
06 Sep 2018 ·

I love old farmhouses!

Jeff M
07 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
11 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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9 Alicia B
05 Sep 2018 ·
Seen an exhibition of Dali's smaller works from private collections. Heliogravures and such ( whatever that is). I wasn't a fan of his before, but now I am. Genius, almost all of it. Like looking into
Alicia B
05 Sep 2018 ·

someone's dream. Amazing. I'm speechless, really.

Maite P
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Zoe D
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
05 Sep 2018 ·

I used to like Dali's famous work, but the more I read about him the less I liked him.

John T
05 Sep 2018 ·

Why? - you may ask. It boils down to him being a fascist who beat up women.

John T
05 Sep 2018 ·

Talented as an artist maybe, but he was a complete waste of a human being.

Cindy M
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Alicia B
05 Sep 2018 ·

That's why I never read biographies 😁

Mark W
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
06 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

sonny S
06 Sep 2018 ·

His work is mind blowing when you see it in person. It's neat how he hid his wife in most of his work

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8 Alicia B
04 Sep 2018 ·
Today we've seen a motorbike museum, climbed along a waterfall, visited a park for bears rescued from circuses and other terrible places, and saw a beautiful ruin of a church, then had dinner in a
Alicia B
04 Sep 2018 ·

mountain restaurant. Feeling very very relaxed now. Alex is really trying to be normal because my mom is here, I appreciate it immensely, and I find I like him a lot these days. That's not the real him, though. I almost feel ashamed of the emotion.

Alicia B
04 Sep 2018 ·

He'd rather someone liked him for who he really is, but that's so damn hard when he's going nuts. I understand his feelings, but also I find it hard to be the friend he'd like me to be. Covered

Alicia B
04 Sep 2018 ·

I mean, complicated, this

Maite P
04 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Penelope P
04 Sep 2018 ·

Sounds like a lovely time and hopefully overrides the complications for now.

Penelope P
04 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Cindy M
04 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Jeff M
04 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

Lydia R
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

John T
05 Sep 2018 ·

*Hugs*

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