very blue and melancholic, but the memories haven't completely crushed me (yet). I miss them badly, but learning to accept loss would be a giant step for me.
Not easy to accept loss. Theres celebration of love & friendship as well as mourning of the loss of same.
recommended even if it's only in November. :') But I hate calling people (and had to do it several times on three days bc the line was always busy), so I'm glad I managed to overcome this fear of mine. The short night is making itself felt though..
I am glad to hear that your friend reacted in a good way on your letter. Good move making appt with therapist ✌️
Sorry, didn't read all, meant appt with specialist
Thank you Kristin! :) I'm glad about the letter, too, but it's an ongoing fight against myself to not withdraw as much as I've done in the past weeks. Communication is key. I just tend to forget this when the veil descends upon my mind. I'm really...
...curious about this specialist, not sure what to expect tbh. Guess he'll do some kind of analysis to see if I should take ADs or not, or something like that. And it only took me three weeks to call, woohoo. *sarcasm* ;)
I also hate making doctors appointment. Got three of them I need to make, manage one today when I met with my psycholigist, turned out I could make an appt in reception on my way out 👍😊 but still two to go
My phsycoligist thinks I should start with ADs, but I rather wants to find another way. Looks like I will deside to take them soon anyway cause they could also help with my body pain issues
Three weks is nothing! I think that was quickly done 😆
...but (for now) I'm glad I finally did it, very good feeling. I'm also mighty scared of her response, so I'll hide somewhere far away from my mobile.
Great job :)
Really good you took the time for that!
I think it's sweet.
Thank you all for the hugs and comments, Pandas! I'm still glad I did it, even though it's just the start, but I'm also a bit worried if I've found the right words because she hasn't replied yet and it's been 4 hours. Which is funny, really,...
because sometimes I disappear for days without replying or even saying I'll be off for a while, but I'm worried if someone else doesn't reply instantly. Double standards. :/ Bit worried, but it's okay. Thanks all. 💖
I'm so proud of you for doing that! I know she'll reply. Just try to distract yourself while you wait on it. Way to go, Lydia!
I bet she loves it! Maybe she hasn't replied because it's a long message. She might think it's a lot to think about, like she will need to take time to write a reply that's 'good enough' to match your msg. If that makes sense! Perfectionism!
Thanks Manda! 💜 It did feel good to get something off my chest, but I had to turn off the wifi at some point and go to bed or else I'd have checked for new messages every minute. She actually did reply around 10pm, so we missed each other.
Tbh I still haven't read them, today turned out to be busier than expected and I didn't want to read it before work in case it's not as positive as expected. Can't sit there crying my eyes out bc of my stupid life choices. Still anxious to open them.
Thank you Binky! 💛 I hope she did (and if I just read them I'd actually know duh). It's normal that she wouldn't reply instantly at this time; she's a mum of two little ones and quite busy, but my mind doesn't care about logic sometimes.
Perfectionism is what kept me from writing it for weeks. I never found the right words and just kept thinking 'it's not good enough yet' and stopped every attempt at giving it a try.
Conflicting emotions are confusing I hope you can find some calm soon
Thanks, Binky, I hope so too, and thanks for the hugs Pandas! <3
*big hugs* You've been struggling for so long. I really hope something comes along & changes that soon. 💚
Thank you Manda, this would be great. :) Your words are lovely, but I feel a bit bad because I know I still have it so much better than other people.
I really don't think you should look at it that way. We all have our own struggles in our own ways. They shouldn't be judged by one another. Your problems are equally important to everyone else's on here. Wishing you happiness! 💖
Oh Lydia I know exactly what you say..... I spend alot of my life in bed not because I'm lazy but because it's the only place I feel safe at times - wrapped & hidden under the duvet away from life, society & the world. Poor you. Tk cre. Big hugs
I know this feeling all too well and currently fighting those urges myself. Hang inThere!!! You aren't alone!
Oh no. Hope it wasn't me that triggered anything with my miles long post in your other thread...
Thinking of you, Lydia. 💖
Thank you Stephen, Kaytee, Kristin and Manda for your words and everyone for the hugs! They mean a lot to me, and I'm so glad to have your support. 💛
Kristin, it wasn't your story, don't worry! I don't know what came over me, it was a sudden wave of sadness and despair, but not because of you. :)
Spent most of today looking for theatre & plane tickets & chatted with a friend who may or may not go with me if I'll go or not go to see that play. Was very tired all of a sudden at 6pm & I wonder from what - surfing the web & chatting with friend?
Feeling a bit low now, tired and disappointed in me for wasting this great opportunity to write down my thoughts with a clear mind. Will hopefully do it tomorrow morning before therapy, tired of running away.
I ran away for a LONG time before realizing it was me I was running from. Now when I want to run away, I just drink. But it's looking like that might be out the window!
I really hope you'll be able to stop or at least minimise the drinking, that would make me happy. :) (but I know it's not that easy so every tiny success is great.) I know I'm running from myself, my self-hatred knows no boundaries. I'm fighting...
against that (really big) part in me that wants me to be miserable, lonely and hurting. It's won in the past few weeks and is a real ***. 🙄
I think of the time I had a breaktrough in my health. I cant explain exactly how I did it, but I started to look at my self objectivly. And if two strangers is standing in front of me, I would say that they are equaly important and valuble. So I...
...tried this approach on my self. And I started to change the way I was talking to myself always by thinking 'would I say like this to another person?' And if not i though of myselt in that objectiv view and asked myself 'why do you say this to me..
... it makes me sad when you say this' and then I started to have these conversations with myself as if I was talking to someone else, i played it like a roll play sort of. And duringa guided storymeditation i did I met a small girl and realised it..
... was myself, so in that relaxed state of mind I embraced my inner child, I told her I was sorry for treating her si bad. And after this I was like a new me. And after this I stopped the self hate, cause I dont want to hurt that poor little...
...child I met during the meditation.
I dont know yours or anyone elses way out of self destruction, I only know its possible, because I did it
That's a very touching story, Kristin. I'm glad you forgave yourself. My psychologist is always having me flip the tables & ask if I would think the same of another person.
Thanks Manda, I have to add that it is still an ongoing process and the struggle Im in is still with my inner demons, but a lot changed when I stoped talk down to myself
I hope you all can make peace with your inner child ❤️
Yeah, I think it will be an ongoing process forever for me.
Kristin, your words really touched me. I need what you ate talking about, self-love and acceptance, treating myself as well as I treat others - or better ;) I want that so much. Wish I could save all these MP conversations, they're fabulous. I think
collectively we could write a MP self-help book. I'm having so many thoughts right now, they're trying to get out of my mind and manifest themselves. Maybe that sounds a bit crazy, maybe I should just go for a run and tire myself out!
This longing to save everything, to write it down so I don't forget it...
I feel that often too, Binky. So many wise Pandas with important things to say. It all gets lost in the mix eventually.
Totally agree with you Manda. Maybe the impermanence and delicacy of knowledge is part of the beauty, and mystery, of life?
I think you're on to something. Let me write this down! 😉
Binky. Its nice if my story can be of help to someone else. But I know each of us must find our own paths and revolutions
Very true, Kristin. We are not machines, though we are each connected in some way but we must ultimately walk our own path. Lydia regarding the virtual distractions, I've decided to try and cut off any time on FB Messenger from 10pm xx
I put away my phone at least an hour before I go to bed & don't get on it if I wake up in the middle of the night unless I've read & tried to go back to sleep & it didn't work. Read too many studies about the screens disrupting sleep. Binks, we...
...must, if need be, be able to chat on messenger! How do I find you? I can put my FB link on IG if that'll work.
Man, I should have replied earlier before that thread got out of control. :P First of all, thank you Kristin for sharing this story. It's really touching and inspirational and while I know I'm still light years away from where you are I do hope that
I'll at least start to accept myself at one point. Still a long way to go, but your words give me the courage to not stop trying to reach this goal. I've already realised I wouldn't say the things I say to myself to other people and I'd be very sad
if my friends had thoughts like these about themselves. But to actually stop thinking like this... it's a hard and long process, this learning thing.
It'd really be great if there was an export option for threads like there is in Whatsapp for example. I once saw an add where you could order books of your Whatsapp chats. lol
Binky, I've also tried to stop using my laptop, phone and TV at a certain time, but damn I'm weak. The TV is actually the hardest for me to give up, it stops my thoughts from becoming too loud at night but also keeps me from having a good night.
(It's only turned on until I fall asleep, then it's switched off by a timer) All in all, I'm just really bad at self-care, but I've realised that lately the TV is actually bothering me too much, so maybe it's time to try falling asleep w/o it.
Get a sound machine, Lydia. We have one that has all sorts of settings like rain, city, brook, meadow, etc. I can't sleep without it. I've actually woken up when the power went out & it stopped!
You mean like a radio? :D Haha, just kidding. Yes, that's probably a good idea. Or just a playlist of calming sounds on my iPhone.
Yeah this thread for get long really quickly! Manda that's very good of you to cut everything off an hour before bed. I do find it difficult, like Lydia, 'just one more check, one more Google' lol. Yeah Manda you can try putting your FB link on?
Lydia I think there night be an export option? Not sure if it would export whole threads though, but I think you can print something? I'm not sure, I've never really tried it but I hope it's there! 'Like a radio' lol, Lydia!
Yeah, duh, they have all kinds of free stuff like that for your phone. I don't even keep my phone in the bedroom at night. I'll put my link on the last picture I posted to IG, Binky.
Can you rec some apps for that, Manda? Since we both have iPhones and all. I'd like to give this a try and ban the TV (not out of my room bc I only have a single room flat, but at least at night).
Oh sorry! Just ruined it 😱
Hahaha don't worry, it's fine. It's not as if time would suddenly stop at 12:34 either. 😄 This attraction (or fascination) is only a temporarily and fleeting little thing doomed to vanish fast. And receiving hugs is great, wouldn't want to miss it!
Youre 1,132 days away from 1234 days on mp.
That's true, but oh wow, no idea if I will manage that. That's three years, and I've barely managed 3 months. :| But definitely a great (and aesthetically appealing) goal.
I barely remember to keep track of my Pandaversaries. They are such a wonderful celebration though!
Feeling a little blue and melancholic, but overall (still) quite okay. Didn't manage to do half of what I've wanted to do, but trying not to beat myself up over it. Hoping for a restful sleep.
Great for you! You're doing really well girl! Proud of you!! Take care & enjoy. Big hugs
Brave of you Lydia. Relish your wonderful achievement
Thanks Stephen and Noel, I don't feel like I'm doing anything well at the moment or achieving anything, but I still like you cheering on me. Thank you very much. :) And thanks for the hugs, Pandas!
You should be proud of yourself! Small steps are big steps when you're not feeling well. Well done!