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  1496 days
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January
MTWTFSS
      1(6) What a day. Bondi beach w/ the Russian :-* mwah Drunk friends, late friends, but we got there in the end friends. Fireworks... Oh, the fireworks! I want more. Wine, lots of wine. I need sleep. #SydNYE
(4)
(5) Went to music festival it was ok, but expensive and rainy. Music was ok. Nothing special. Friends all took drugs, I just drank a bit of alcohol. Trying not to worry about this year. #berealistic #hope
2(5) These days without a job suck. I do nothing all day except waste time online. I have no interests, no goals. Just floating around again. Not sure what else I do. Need to move forward with my life.
(5) Figured if I'm going to do nothing and procrastinate, I might as well do it well. So instead of fretting, I'm going to watch some films! #focusedprocrastination
3(5) Woke up a little bit earlier despite laying awake until 3am. Feeling tired but today I'm going to be more productive. Last night I used an 8-ball to decide that I'm going back to Melbourne xD
(6) Well, I didn't get much done except go to the MCA gallery and catch Pokemon. But now I'm at the World Bar after some cheese and wine in the cinema room with a quiz. Tomorrow I'm going to camp in NP.
4(5) Night out- music so loud! Note to self: buy ear plugs. Thinking about the Russian guy, I admire how successful he is and enjoy thinking about our conversations and shared interests. Real #respect ?
(5) Checked out, packed, etc. I have so much stuff. It's insane! Waiting for friends to pick me up. I'm feeling unhealthy, looking forward to getting into more of a routine in Melbourne. #tired
5(5) Got rained on spectacularly last night, and it didn't stop all night and into the afternoon. Things were pretty damp/wet. Need to dry out tent. Ate Macca's now I feel queasy. Driving to Jervis Bay.
(7) Arrived at Jamberoo camp site, it's v. nice compared to last night's spot. Having a few #beers , then maybe some prosecco. Don't want to look at my bank balance. Hopefully I can get to Melbourne ASAP.
6(5) Woke up, it rained this morning but not as much as yesterday. We were going to the beach/swimming, but the weather is not great, hmm...7(5) So #tired was kicked out of our camping spot in the morning by a ranger. On our way back to Sydney I found a lift to Melbourne for tomorrow morning. Gosang's Cave was cool. Thinking of Russian guy...8(5) #justwoke I actually got an early night for once :-) slept like a log, just woke up once because of mosquito bite. Dang they're itchy...
(5) #justwoke I actually got an early night for once :-) slept like a log, just woke up once because of mosquito bite. Dang they're itchy...
(6) Long day driving from Sydney to Melbourne, but was interesting chatting to our driver, he's Pakistani. Very nice man indeed.
9(5) I just woke and I'm so tired.
(5) Decided to try fasting today, on a whim, until sunset. Only had a small breakfast, so I expect it will be even more challenging. Will drink water only, giving my digestion a break. #fasting #firsttry
(4) Fast is going pretty well. Easier than expected. Feeling a bit down tho, haven't left the hostel today. Going to view some rooms tomorrow and practise coffee making. Still feeding internet addiction
(5) Unusual, I actually don't feel hungry: due to low mood? Bought healthy food, but decided to continue fast til breakfast tomorrow. On a bright note, I returned 2 separate lost items, phone + sunglasses
10(5) Did laundry. Visited two share flats. Maybe CBD not for me, nor share rooms. Ate mostly healthily. Still internet overload. Information overload. Missing cuddles from A, but remembering difficulties.
(5) Where has Clint gone and is he coming back? Does anyone know? Feel like MP is lacking his presence!
11(7) Viewed some interesting rooms, in Coburg, CBD and South Yarra. Went to Queen Vic market with Sophie, then to a couple of bars. Talked a bit about my family, both our aunties have MS. #commonground12(6) Only drank 2 beers last night.but feel a little hungover today. Wow.
(8) I found a room! I'm so excited, relieved and happy! Yay! :'-)
13(7) What a night. Met with old friend and his mates, ABC, dancing, food, drink then more good. Girl was complimenting me, full on way. I didn't say no to French guy, so now he has my number oops. #fun14(5) #Hungover but surviving. Went to Banksy exhibition with girls from hostel, then art gallery. Then napped for hours, oof. Watched The #Hangover for the first time, declined going out again. #headache
(6) Feeling ok. Hostel breakfast so unorganized, ugh. Packing, checking out and #moving to my new place today. It's gonna be so good to finally have my own room again, and it's a nice one this time.
(6) Unpacked. Drank several hot beverages. Actually sat down and gave some thought to my life vision. Met housemates, Japanese, nice. Went for a walk, restless. Ready meals. Male attention annoying me.
15(5) #overslept feel groggy
(4) Chatted to a mate who's Thailand, he's always getting used by Thai women and he never learns. I'm starting to really get sick of hearing about it. Don't like to admit it, but he's such a loser :(
(6) Ok so, there were 5 Jynx in the park, lol. Then met old boss/colleagues..bosses took me out for drinks and pizza, was awesome. Then colleague gave me a lift home after with shopping. #skinpicking tho
(4) Just rang mum regarding a message I got from uncle. She's letting that user 'boyfriend' live with her again. Long story but I really don't like what my mum is/was/has ever been doing. #family #mum
16(5) Time seems to slip away from me. I've done just 1 thing on my to do list and it's already 2pm. #timemanagement #priorities #todo
(6) Managed to pull some things out of the proverbial bag this arvo. Join gym + workout. Join library + update my basic CV. Even got an alarm app that wakes me up with my own motivational voice recording.
17(6) Still managed to wake up, groggy, but morning coffee working. Playing around with Snapseed. Makes me think about when I virtually failed photography (and everything else) at college, but here's a 2nd
(5) Ok so I commented on several people's updates and hugged a whole bunch of people, but when I look back now the comments and hugs are gone?! This happens regularly, can chief panda please help?
(7) Ear piercing infected, oops. Took care. 36°. Sweating on tram. A sociable day. Met Niamh twice, walking, exploration, and her friend N, food and drinks were had. Met Kim in between! Printed CVs.
18(5) Slept late, despite waking up and somehow knowing that my alarm was about to go off.
(7) Interesting day, handed in some CVs, went Pokehunting, nearly got run over (the car screeched to a halt and I put my hands straight onto the bonnet) but I walked away calmly and did some food shopping
19(5) Slept in again today but still woke up before my alarm, but went back to sleep, what is going on. Felt so tired and my affirmation alarm didn't even help. Due to late night most likely. #sleep
(6) Today was uneventful, I didn't really accomplish much. Highlight was seeing my friend for dinner, then buying some second hand kitchen items like smoothie maker and electric whisk! Making cake 2moro.
20(5) Hmm, same again this morning, no luck with getting up. Then there were construction noises outside and then I really didn't want to get out of bed at all. 10:30 is not 8:00! Spots bad, and picking.
(5) Trying to make a cake for friend's bday and it's taking ages. This is basically all I've been doing all day! Feel a bit gross. Got an interview tomorrow, but not expecting anything. #money worries
21(6) People liked the cake last night. A was there briefly. Enjoyed having the chicken wings again! Memorable smell. I got chatting to a guy but I'm not interested. R blew so much cash at the casino )_<
(5) Got an #interview today at a cafe. Not expecting anything to come of it, which I like because takes the pressure off me, too. Maybe I'll take the rest of my CVs to hand out afterwards. #expectnothing
(5) Interview went well, I even made a couple of coffees. Manager going on holiday but he wants me to come back for training in 2 weeks. Also got some last minute catering work this eve, I'm terrified.
22(6) So the catering job actually went pretty well, it was easier than I expected. They even asked me back, and the manager put me in touch with a cafe owner, possibly more work. Got lift home. #wow
23(6) Went to #AustralianOpen for the day with friends, was a fun, festival-like vibe. Watched a match. Many drinks and food. Felt a bit queasy when I got home. Sporting events seem more accessible in Aus.
(5) 5.5: Feeling sluggish. Hopefully going to practise coffee making later and collect a bicycle. Guy mate asked me to beach+drinks but I said no thanks. Want to work out but arms ache from waitressing.
24(7) Got bicycle, had a scenic riverside ride back; Aus even has free climbing walls & bike repair stations - wow. Visited West Coast buddies then cycled home in the humid, drizzly night. #lovecycling
(5) Feeling very #sluggish again. Keep sighing. 'Meh' is the word. Slept late. Doing some cleaning, general chores. Where does the time go? Had the house to myself which was nice. Listened to podcast.
(7) Cycled to my interview at the coffee shop, they asked me to come back for a trial on Friday. Feeling much better now I've done something. Later I was a bit bored again but I did holiday planning.
25(7) Rly enjoyed snoozing this morning, a lil too much! Turned it around by doing 2 workouts; now I'm back on form. Cycled to work, only 30 mins work (unpaid) tho, but boss bought us a #coffee after.26(5) Uh-oh, way overslept today. Mind was very active last night. Thinking the coffee really didn't help, so I'm cutting out coffee again. #groggy
(6) Did a Pavlova desert for friend's BBQ, they enjoyed it! Ate and drank a lot, as expected. Weather turned out well. Had one drink in city, and just caught the fireworks in time. #australiaday
27(4) Feeling so lazy, like I don't want this job, I just wanna sleep.
(6) Trial went...okay. Feeling delicate. It was only 2 hours. Chef/owner got a bit mad at me at one point, I don't like that. Tried cycling 4ever to catch Pokemon but kept getting lost and missing them.
28(5) No work today. Trying to sort the itinerary for our East Coast trip (expensive...) for when my friend gets here. It's very difficult to do this on such a tight schedule, she's only here for 15 days.
(6) Having some drinks with my Japanese housemates for the first time. It's really nice, they even made me food and we are taking turns to play music on YouTube. I'm scared to go to work tomorrow.
29(6) Could feel my anxiety building about going to work. Felt like crying on the way. Got there and felt more at ease. No shouting today, and I found out the pay is better than I had before, wow.
(6) Managed to catch one new Pokemon after work, it's a good day. Then went food shopping (so expensive, arg) and got some drinks to share with housemates next time. Finished watching American Honey #film
30(6) Too much #sleep will get up earlier tomorrow. Trying to book my flights home, it's taking ages, I'm having issues. Going to practise coffee making now. Gym later. Need to catch up on diary, too...31(7) Went to #gym it was a solid workout. Panting away while the gym monkeys lifted weights. Left it a bit late and now it's late, still hoping to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow. #sleepy #content
(7) Felt heavy this morn, up later than planned, but not very late. Still, I can do better. Landlady is here doing some cleaning, avoiding her for now because I still feel sleepy. #avoidance #exercise
(6) Ended up chatting to landlady. Went for a long walk, played Pokemon. Will get a haircut tomorrow and visit other cafe manager. Read, inducing a nap! Watched Lion film with friend, *so* emotional, wow!
February
MTWTFSS
  1(4) #justwoke still feel sad about that Lion #movie . Very impactful.
(5) #Procrastinating #skinpicking #anxiety #poordiet At least I did some cleaning, hopefully that will mitigate my allergies until my medication arrives. First things first = exercise, work, planning.
(5) Positives: #Exercise and did some #reading about emotionally absent mothers. Practising making space for my interests. Negatives: Didn't leave the house today and my diet is comfort eating.
2(5) Managed to oversleep by 3 hours. Glad I didn't get called into work today, not liking my shrinking bank balance though. Guess I just gotta keep on going patiently, I can't magic money out of nowhere.
(6) A lil bit annoyed, went into other cafe (bakehouse one) and got the impression I won't have a job there after all. Manager was rather vague w/ me and said assistant manager will call me. #disappointed
(6) Someone who works at the #casino is teaching me to play the games, he's sweet. Aww. Was gonna put the $20 free money on one roulette number but now I'm not so sure. It's 10pm already WTF! #alone
(6) I also got a #haircut and finally caught a Dragonite on #PokemonGo and it's my foster mum's birthday so I'll call her on my way home. I had Domino's gluten free pizza for dinner, yum. It's cold now
(8) I #won $105 at the #casino on the Big Wheel! I'm happy, 23:1 odds. Glad I played. And I spoke to my #fostermum on her birthday, we were having such a nice #conversation that I missed my tram sto
3(5) #justwoke allergies not good, gah. Might have to buy some tablets, though they're so expensive! Alarm didn't go off but I'm awake at a reasonable time. Need a cuppa.4(6) #Mixed day. Good doctor appt, I like my new doc, gives detailed info. Using subliminal msgs to treat my morning depression. Didn't meet Ange but met J & S, drunk beer, got friendly uber home.
(4) #justwoke #headache #sleepy
(6) Played #Pokemon from my bed then went back to #sleep Feeling much better now. Made a healthy brunch and spoke to my mate who's struggling with girls in Thailand. Fruit salad, going to Brighton #beach
(6) A good day at the beach, so damn hot! Glad I made it there finally, swim, relax, beers. Didn't do much else really. Need to go to the gym now. Bit bored, maybe a workout will brighten my mood.
(5) Sleepy, gym, bed...
5(4) I slept too much this morning. #guilt Maybe because I exercised too late. Not sure what to do about #jobs - should I go back to the deli? I don't particularly want to, I just need the money.
(4) Practised geography. Feeling #down about lack of work. Going to work now, though. My one shift this week. F*** it anyway. I'll find some work eventually. Just f*** it all for now. I don't care. #angry
6(6) #Work was a good focusser, distraction, self-esteem builder. Friend told me it's 9 weeks until she's visiting me. Reality check, I need money asap. Tomorrow I will see if I can work back at the deli.
(6) I like doing this catering shift every week because it's casual, the wedding guests just want to have a good time. No one is fussy about the service, I can relax. Sometimes the guests fight! #cultures
(5) Slept in because late night. Spoke to old manager, maybe work in 2 weeks. Practised coffee in city. Met Neave. Dragonite ran away. Been drinking, going to drink at Neave's. Supposed to exercise, oops.
7(5) Just got home, had to run to catch tram. Glad I didn't have to sleep at my friend's. I bought too much chocolate. We spent a lot on booze were #smoking - bad influence. It's 2am. #social #caffeine
(5) Mixed day. Sunny. Declined beach. No response from cafe regarding my hours this week. Handed in CV in restaurant, as coffee trainer advised me to do. Bought food. Feeling tired now, but need gym. Zzz.
(4) Finally got text from cafe, saying 'we don't need you at the mo b/c we're still trialling other people'. So basically, I didn't get the job. They could've told me b4, why r these ppl so indirect! FFS
8(3) I guess 3. Made it to gym but felt sad after workout. I need love. Trying to workout what's missing in my life. What am i not connecting with. Want to be around successful people. Upset. #undefined
(5) Got up at midday full of brain fog and feeling careless. Eating too many sweets. On a positive note, I'm learning all the US states. One of my resolutions is to improve my geography, and it's working.
(6) Cooked some fairly healthy food, but also binged on chocolate again. Today went quickly, will go to gym tomorrow instead. Got two shifts at the deli this week, excited! Spoke to Russian guy, E #funny
9(5) Went back to sleep for an hour longer, oops. Got stuff to do today.
(5) Finally booked my East coast trip for me and my friend. Exited! Now time to start working so I can pay for it. My job hunt has slowed right down, I need a boost. +Need to book our flights & Tasmania.
(5) Whoa my God. Just booked (almost) everything for the trip with my friend in 9 weeks. Now I only have $1000 (Australian) to my name. Holy hell... It's back to square one with a thud. #money #adulting
10(5) About to start at deli
(7) On lunch break at deli, it was so nice to meet everyone again & give them a hug. Dare I say it, everything is going fine. I'm glad to be back. The wing restaurant said they'll try & give me shifts too
(7) New Aussie housemate moved in, only 18 but seems mature. She's half Taiwanese! We're all going to have some celebratory drinks tomorrow after work. I had a mini tidy of my room & allergy pills arrived
11(6) On way to work @ deli.
(5) 2 mistake at work oops, damn, but honest. Boss mad, got told off but I've had worse. She used to be a schoolteacher, now I understand... Heart2heart w/ underdog colleague who made same mistake 2day.
(6) Drinking w/ housemates, and food. We all made something. I've got a few shifts this week = awesome, even a couple at Wings. Tomorrow I will focus 100% on the customers orders, it's the best way. No BS
12(6) Shift at deli went well, I had energy. Went to St. Kilda festival to meet S after but weather was so cold. Nice area tho. Chatted to friend in Thailand, he's having more issues. Did geography.
13(3) Practised coffee, got praise, tho trainer noticed I have very little confidence in myself compared to my ability. He's right. This prompted lots of questions about myself, my future. What to do...14(3) Looking for therapists near my home town, using the internet. The act of looking for a therapist makes me upset.
(4) Feeling #sleepy but I think it's due to #anxiety about work later, at Wings, first shift back in ages. Also really don't want to go back to my home town in June, but I'm anxious to start therapy ASAP.
(6) Wings was busy! Glad to see everyone. One customer annoying, complained dust on the lights! Geez. Boss bought us all a rose, aww - but it made me feel sad. I might go to cinema w/ new 18 y/o housemate
15(5) Just woke up after a big dreamy snooze fest. When I say 'woke up' I mean opened my eyes then closed them again.
(5) Missing the peace of mind and freedom that my savings provided me. Also disappointed in my current low wages, would now need to work an average of 47.5 hrs just to earn my target amount. Hmm. #money
(6) Studied healing from trauma book for a couple hours, cried. Planned to go to the gym after playing PoGo, ended up playing PoGo for hours... No gym! But I did get to cycle and see some of Melbourne.
16(5) Good morning pandas. Or good night, afternoon or evening! I'm so #lazy & can't be bothered, is it a self-esteem issue? Probably. Wish I'd put in the effort for myself, like my mum never did. #struggle
(5) Looking at jobs on the #skills shortage list for Australia. I don't want to go home forever... But there aren't really any matches. Nothing that I'm skilled at or takes my fancy. #uncertainty #future
(6) Did my upper body workout, then had a shower... Feeling clean and refreshed. Just updated my CV at the library, need 1 more piece of information before it's finished. Going to play some more Pokemon.
(6) Put a few mon's in gyms, hopefully they will still be there tomorrow when I collect my coins! Did some food shopping, too. Now going to try and call my auntie and uncle.
17(7) A relaxed morning & an easy and friendly afternoon shift at the deli. Feeling good. Got a guy mate coming to stay tonight, not sure if I'm warmed up to him enough for anything to happen. We'll see.18(6) Guy didn't come b/c uber here was super expensive. I'm wide awake now, it's 1am, trying a chamomile tea to start winding down again. Work tomorrow at Wings. Had fun playing #Pokemon today. #music
(5) #justwoke having a cup of coffee to start the day. I think my 67 y/o uncle has been scammed by a fraudulent investment company in a 'fixed 3 year bond' promising 9% returns p.a. Police investigating.
(4) #anxiety because A is going to be at work.
(5) Good day overall, up early, free beer @work, free hot cross bun, & shift at deli 2moro. A just really gets under my skin & makes me angry. He's so smarmy. I don't even wanna waste my time hating him.
19(5) #justwoke after going back to sleep. Tossing and turning last night and this morning. Still woke up with negativity for A. Boss left a message asking me to get to work asap, must be busy. #yawning
(5) Luckily next wings shifts aren't on days that A is on, he usually only works one day a week now anyway. It's just always SO awkward, I try to make conversation but it's impossible. #awkward #angry
(7) Deli was good but I messed up our staff drinks order, though it wasn't the end of the world, it was fixed easily. We've closed new for renovation for 2 weeks so I got to take home LOADS of goodies!
(5) I needed to go to bed, I was tired. Now I'm over-tired! Go to bed, girl...Put that phone down.
20(4) Slept in a bit late. Might just get ready and play PoGo. Got a few other things to do tho, finish uploading pics, catch up on diary, call for coffee training, work. Acne not good despite medication.
(4) Coffee training, I didn't really feel like I was making any progress. Felt a little bit like trainer would rather I wasn't there, but it's because he thinks I'm ready to get out there and get a job.
(7) A rejuvenating short shift at Wings, great staff Romina and Max on. Boss very friendly as usual, praised me for being bang on form. I felt it; strong, organised, focused mind. #work #team #friendly
21(7) Cooked a variety of dishes for a very #healthy lunch! Proud of the fact. Chatted to Russian guy, he mistook me for a mate of his & started complaining, 'Hot b*tches never look at me'. OMG #LOL ! x'D
(4) Annoyed. Haven't got ready today, lazy sod. Trying to book car hire on Europcar website, but every time I check price it has gone up again. Nothing else has changed. Grrr, seriously #annoyed !
(6) Had Ethiopian #food with a #friend (Sophie), it was pretty good, but of course never the same as in country! We had good chats about Africa, guys, work and travel. Took ages to get home, bus late.
22(5) Too much screen time. Did read some knowledgeable book reviews, they gave me new ways of looking at the world.
(3) Absolutely dying from this workout. Finished now... No energy, yawning. Definitely not on form, missing/deferring those two workouts was a bad idea. #struggle #exercise feel like giving up completely.
(6) Managed to pull myself together and print some CVs, uploaded a few pics then played a bit of PoGo. Walked home feeling exhausted in the hot weather. Ate a healthy dinner and talked to Ai (housemate).
23(5) Handing in CVs in the CBD, but don't know why I'm so shy. Perhaps it's self-doubt and low self-esteem. One manager said he likes me, which is nice, but I don't feel any better. #selfdoubt #jobs #work
(5) Enjoyed walking round the city, just wish I had more confidence n enthusiasm. Best bit was #shopping in op shop for a winter coat. Chatted to old friend Svenja, she's also in therapy. Picking skin.
24(3) Stayed up hours too late again, oops. #sleep
(6) Slept in til midday, oops. But I'm going easy on myself. Legs aching even more from workout, DOMS. But I will complete this workout plan! Time to start the day. #determination #resolve #resilience
(6) Haven't left house. Applied to ride for Deliveroo. Wrote 1 week of diary. Tidied. Researched dermatillomania. Arranged cheese & wine night with housemates. Spoke to Vinnie. Procrastinating on gym sesh
(6) Walked to the gym and did my arm workout. It was not so bad. Felt good afterwards. Walking home relaxed, singing to myself. Hopefully I'll be able to carry the plates at work tomorrow :'-)
25(5) #justwoke so sleepy zzz...
(6) About to start work. Feeling alright. Glad to get a bit of cash. God knows I need it right now.
26(5) So #tired - work was ok, though I wasn't on form. Colleague shouted at me, but apologised straight away. Got work again tomorrow, it's nearly 3am (always finish late). Got free bottle of wine though.
(5) #justwoke very #tired #headache Now need to get ready for work. Last night was too late to finish...
(5) First split shift at wings, I'm on break. Tiredness really hitting now, struggling to hold a train of thought. Glad to not be working tomorrow! Will have coffee to try and get through this shift.
(6) Thankful for #coffee , painkillers and easy going co-workers. These things really helped me get through this shift. Luckily it wasn't too busy, either. On tram home now. Looking forward to rest.
27(5) Last night I remembered it's coffee practise today and I arranged to meet a an acquaintance for lunch beforehand. Whaaat... I need to wake up.
(6) Really struggled in the morning but following advice to do mundane tasks first thing (like tidying up) helped more than expected. I think just having part time work is helping me get into routine.
(6) Met with Jeremy at Suda for lunch, great spot. Enjoyed calm time. Not really chemistry. Coffee practise was mediocre. Think trainer is too grumpy...not helpful enough. Anthony agreed. Lovely hot day.
(6) Very tired afternoon. Trainer was at my tram stop, avoided him. Came home, eventually had cheese & wine with 3/4 housemates. Drank a fair bit but didn't get drunk. Young housemate did, she was funny!
28No Reasons