5.9 avg
  1631 days
  11233 hugs
  188 followers
January
MTWTFSS
      1(4)
(5) Went to music festival it was ok, but expensive and rainy. Music was ok. Nothing special. Friends all took drugs, I just drank a bit of alcohol. Trying not to worry about this year. #berealistic #hope
2(5) These days without a job suck. I do nothing all day except waste time online. I have no interests, no goals. Just floating around again. Not sure what else I do. Need to move forward with my life.
(5) Figured if I'm going to do nothing and procrastinate, I might as well do it well. So instead of fretting, I'm going to watch some films! #focusedprocrastination
(5) Woke up a little bit earlier despite laying awake until 3am. Feeling tired but today I'm going to be more productive. Last night I used an 8-ball to decide that I'm going back to Melbourne xD
3(6) Well, I didn't get much done except go to the MCA gallery and catch Pokemon. But now I'm at the World Bar after some cheese and wine in the cinema room with a quiz. Tomorrow I'm going to camp in NP.
(5) Night out- music so loud! Note to self: buy ear plugs. Thinking about the Russian guy, I admire how successful he is and enjoy thinking about our conversations and shared interests. Real #respect ?
4(5) Checked out, packed, etc. I have so much stuff. It's insane! Waiting for friends to pick me up. I'm feeling unhealthy, looking forward to getting into more of a routine in Melbourne. #tired5(5) Got rained on spectacularly last night, and it didn't stop all night and into the afternoon. Things were pretty damp/wet. Need to dry out tent. Ate Macca's now I feel queasy. Driving to Jervis Bay.
(7) Arrived at Jamberoo camp site, it's v. nice compared to last night's spot. Having a few #beers , then maybe some prosecco. Don't want to look at my bank balance. Hopefully I can get to Melbourne ASAP.
(5) Woke up, it rained this morning but not as much as yesterday. We were going to the beach/swimming, but the weather is not great, hmm...
6No Reasons7(5) So #tired was kicked out of our camping spot in the morning by a ranger. On our way back to Sydney I found a lift to Melbourne for tomorrow morning. Gosang's Cave was cool. Thinking of Russian guy...
(5) #justwoke I actually got an early night for once :-) slept like a log, just woke up once because of mosquito bite. Dang they're itchy...
(5) #justwoke I actually got an early night for once :-) slept like a log, just woke up once because of mosquito bite. Dang they're itchy...
8(6) Long day driving from Sydney to Melbourne, but was interesting chatting to our driver, he's Pakistani. Very nice man indeed.
(5) I just woke and I'm so tired.
9(5) Decided to try fasting today, on a whim, until sunset. Only had a small breakfast, so I expect it will be even more challenging. Will drink water only, giving my digestion a break. #fasting #firsttry
(4) Fast is going pretty well. Easier than expected. Feeling a bit down tho, haven't left the hostel today. Going to view some rooms tomorrow and practise coffee making. Still feeding internet addiction
(5) Unusual, I actually don't feel hungry: due to low mood? Bought healthy food, but decided to continue fast til breakfast tomorrow. On a bright note, I returned 2 separate lost items, phone + sunglasses
10(5) Did laundry. Visited two share flats. Maybe CBD not for me, nor share rooms. Ate mostly healthily. Still internet overload. Information overload. Missing cuddles from A, but remembering difficulties.
(5) Where has Clint gone and is he coming back? Does anyone know? Feel like MP is lacking his presence!
11(7) Viewed some interesting rooms, in Coburg, CBD and South Yarra. Went to Queen Vic market with Sophie, then to a couple of bars. Talked a bit about my family, both our aunties have MS. #commonground
(6) Only drank 2 beers last night.but feel a little hungover today. Wow.
12(8) I found a room! I'm so excited, relieved and happy! Yay! :'-)
(7) What a night. Met with old friend and his mates, ABC, dancing, food, drink then more good. Girl was complimenting me, full on way. I didn't say no to French guy, so now he has my number oops. #fun
13(5) #Hungover but surviving. Went to Banksy exhibition with girls from hostel, then art gallery. Then napped for hours, oof. Watched The #Hangover for the first time, declined going out again. #headache
(6) Feeling ok. Hostel breakfast so unorganized, ugh. Packing, checking out and #moving to my new place today. It's gonna be so good to finally have my own room again, and it's a nice one this time.
14(6) Unpacked. Drank several hot beverages. Actually sat down and gave some thought to my life vision. Met housemates, Japanese, nice. Went for a walk, restless. Ready meals. Male attention annoying me.
(5) #overslept feel groggy
15(4) Chatted to a mate who's Thailand, he's always getting used by Thai women and he never learns. I'm starting to really get sick of hearing about it. Don't like to admit it, but he's such a loser :(
(6) Ok so, there were 5 Jynx in the park, lol. Then met old boss/colleagues..bosses took me out for drinks and pizza, was awesome. Then colleague gave me a lift home after with shopping. #skinpicking tho
(4) Just rang mum regarding a message I got from uncle. She's letting that user 'boyfriend' live with her again. Long story but I really don't like what my mum is/was/has ever been doing. #family #mum
16(5) Time seems to slip away from me. I've done just 1 thing on my to do list and it's already 2pm. #timemanagement #priorities #todo
(6) Managed to pull some things out of the proverbial bag this arvo. Join gym + workout. Join library + update my basic CV. Even got an alarm app that wakes me up with my own motivational voice recording.
(6) Still managed to wake up, groggy, but morning coffee working. Playing around with Snapseed. Makes me think about when I virtually failed photography (and everything else) at college, but here's a 2nd
17(5) Ok so I commented on several people's updates and hugged a whole bunch of people, but when I look back now the comments and hugs are gone?! This happens regularly, can chief panda please help?
(7) Ear piercing infected, oops. Took care. 36°. Sweating on tram. A sociable day. Met Niamh twice, walking, exploration, and her friend N, food and drinks were had. Met Kim in between! Printed CVs.
(5) Slept late, despite waking up and somehow knowing that my alarm was about to go off.
18(7) Interesting day, handed in some CVs, went Pokehunting, nearly got run over (the car screeched to a halt and I put my hands straight onto the bonnet) but I walked away calmly and did some food shopping19(5) Slept in again today but still woke up before my alarm, but went back to sleep, what is going on. Felt so tired and my affirmation alarm didn't even help. Due to late night most likely. #sleep
(6) Today was uneventful, I didn't really accomplish much. Highlight was seeing my friend for dinner, then buying some second hand kitchen items like smoothie maker and electric whisk! Making cake 2moro.
(5) Hmm, same again this morning, no luck with getting up. Then there were construction noises outside and then I really didn't want to get out of bed at all. 10:30 is not 8:00! Spots bad, and picking.
20(5) Trying to make a cake for friend's bday and it's taking ages. This is basically all I've been doing all day! Feel a bit gross. Got an interview tomorrow, but not expecting anything. #money worries
(6) People liked the cake last night. A was there briefly. Enjoyed having the chicken wings again! Memorable smell. I got chatting to a guy but I'm not interested. R blew so much cash at the casino )_<
21(5) Got an #interview today at a cafe. Not expecting anything to come of it, which I like because takes the pressure off me, too. Maybe I'll take the rest of my CVs to hand out afterwards. #expectnothing
(5) Interview went well, I even made a couple of coffees. Manager going on holiday but he wants me to come back for training in 2 weeks. Also got some last minute catering work this eve, I'm terrified.
(6) So the catering job actually went pretty well, it was easier than I expected. They even asked me back, and the manager put me in touch with a cafe owner, possibly more work. Got lift home. #wow
22(6) Went to #AustralianOpen for the day with friends, was a fun, festival-like vibe. Watched a match. Many drinks and food. Felt a bit queasy when I got home. Sporting events seem more accessible in Aus.
23(5) 5.5: Feeling sluggish. Hopefully going to practise coffee making later and collect a bicycle. Guy mate asked me to beach+drinks but I said no thanks. Want to work out but arms ache from waitressing.
(7) Got bicycle, had a scenic riverside ride back; Aus even has free climbing walls & bike repair stations - wow. Visited West Coast buddies then cycled home in the humid, drizzly night. #lovecycling
24(5) Feeling very #sluggish again. Keep sighing. 'Meh' is the word. Slept late. Doing some cleaning, general chores. Where does the time go? Had the house to myself which was nice. Listened to podcast.
(7) Cycled to my interview at the coffee shop, they asked me to come back for a trial on Friday. Feeling much better now I've done something. Later I was a bit bored again but I did holiday planning.
25(7) Rly enjoyed snoozing this morning, a lil too much! Turned it around by doing 2 workouts; now I'm back on form. Cycled to work, only 30 mins work (unpaid) tho, but boss bought us a #coffee after.
(5) Uh-oh, way overslept today. Mind was very active last night. Thinking the coffee really didn't help, so I'm cutting out coffee again. #groggy
26(6) Did a Pavlova desert for friend's BBQ, they enjoyed it! Ate and drank a lot, as expected. Weather turned out well. Had one drink in city, and just caught the fireworks in time. #australiaday
(4) Feeling so lazy, like I don't want this job, I just wanna sleep.
27(6) Trial went...okay. Feeling delicate. It was only 2 hours. Chef/owner got a bit mad at me at one point, I don't like that. Tried cycling 4ever to catch Pokemon but kept getting lost and missing them.28(5) No work today. Trying to sort the itinerary for our East Coast trip (expensive...) for when my friend gets here. It's very difficult to do this on such a tight schedule, she's only here for 15 days.
(6) Having some drinks with my Japanese housemates for the first time. It's really nice, they even made me food and we are taking turns to play music on YouTube. I'm scared to go to work tomorrow.
29(6) Could feel my anxiety building about going to work. Felt like crying on the way. Got there and felt more at ease. No shouting today, and I found out the pay is better than I had before, wow.
(6) Managed to catch one new Pokemon after work, it's a good day. Then went food shopping (so expensive, arg) and got some drinks to share with housemates next time. Finished watching American Honey #film
30(6) Too much #sleep will get up earlier tomorrow. Trying to book my flights home, it's taking ages, I'm having issues. Going to practise coffee making now. Gym later. Need to catch up on diary, too...
(7) Went to #gym it was a solid workout. Panting away while the gym monkeys lifted weights. Left it a bit late and now it's late, still hoping to get up at a reasonable time tomorrow. #sleepy #content
(7) Felt heavy this morn, up later than planned, but not very late. Still, I can do better. Landlady is here doing some cleaning, avoiding her for now because I still feel sleepy. #avoidance #exercise
31(6) Ended up chatting to landlady. Went for a long walk, played Pokemon. Will get a haircut tomorrow and visit other cafe manager. Read, inducing a nap! Watched Lion film with friend, *so* emotional, wow!
(4) #justwoke still feel sad about that Lion #movie . Very impactful.
February
MTWTFSS
  1(5) #Procrastinating #skinpicking #anxiety #poordiet At least I did some cleaning, hopefully that will mitigate my allergies until my medication arrives. First things first = exercise, work, planning.
(5) Positives: #Exercise and did some #reading about emotionally absent mothers. Practising making space for my interests. Negatives: Didn't leave the house today and my diet is comfort eating.
2(5) Managed to oversleep by 3 hours. Glad I didn't get called into work today, not liking my shrinking bank balance though. Guess I just gotta keep on going patiently, I can't magic money out of nowhere.
(6) A lil bit annoyed, went into other cafe (bakehouse one) and got the impression I won't have a job there after all. Manager was rather vague w/ me and said assistant manager will call me. #disappointed
(6) Someone who works at the #casino is teaching me to play the games, he's sweet. Aww. Was gonna put the $20 free money on one roulette number but now I'm not so sure. It's 10pm already WTF! #alone
(6) I also got a #haircut and finally caught a Dragonite on #PokemonGo and it's my foster mum's birthday so I'll call her on my way home. I had Domino's gluten free pizza for dinner, yum. It's cold now
(8) I #won $105 at the #casino on the Big Wheel! I'm happy, 23:1 odds. Glad I played. And I spoke to my #fostermum on her birthday, we were having such a nice #conversation that I missed my tram sto
3(6) #Mixed day. Good doctor appt, I like my new doc, gives detailed info. Using subliminal msgs to treat my morning depression. Didn't meet Ange but met J & S, drunk beer, got friendly uber home.
(4) #justwoke #headache #sleepy
4(6) Played #Pokemon from my bed then went back to #sleep Feeling much better now. Made a healthy brunch and spoke to my mate who's struggling with girls in Thailand. Fruit salad, going to Brighton #beach
(6) A good day at the beach, so damn hot! Glad I made it there finally, swim, relax, beers. Didn't do much else really. Need to go to the gym now. Bit bored, maybe a workout will brighten my mood.
(5) Sleepy, gym, bed...
(4) I slept too much this morning. #guilt Maybe because I exercised too late. Not sure what to do about #jobs - should I go back to the deli? I don't particularly want to, I just need the money.
5(4) Practised geography. Feeling #down about lack of work. Going to work now, though. My one shift this week. F*** it anyway. I'll find some work eventually. Just f*** it all for now. I don't care. #angry
(6) #Work was a good focusser, distraction, self-esteem builder. Friend told me it's 9 weeks until she's visiting me. Reality check, I need money asap. Tomorrow I will see if I can work back at the deli.
(6) I like doing this catering shift every week because it's casual, the wedding guests just want to have a good time. No one is fussy about the service, I can relax. Sometimes the guests fight! #cultures
6(5) Slept in because late night. Spoke to old manager, maybe work in 2 weeks. Practised coffee in city. Met Neave. Dragonite ran away. Been drinking, going to drink at Neave's. Supposed to exercise, oops.
(5) Just got home, had to run to catch tram. Glad I didn't have to sleep at my friend's. I bought too much chocolate. We spent a lot on booze were #smoking - bad influence. It's 2am. #social #caffeine
7(5) Mixed day. Sunny. Declined beach. No response from cafe regarding my hours this week. Handed in CV in restaurant, as coffee trainer advised me to do. Bought food. Feeling tired now, but need gym. Zzz.
(4) Finally got text from cafe, saying 'we don't need you at the mo b/c we're still trialling other people'. So basically, I didn't get the job. They could've told me b4, why r these ppl so indirect! FFS
(3) I guess 3. Made it to gym but felt sad after workout. I need love. Trying to workout what's missing in my life. What am i not connecting with. Want to be around successful people. Upset. #undefined
8(5) Got up at midday full of brain fog and feeling careless. Eating too many sweets. On a positive note, I'm learning all the US states. One of my resolutions is to improve my geography, and it's working.
(6) Cooked some fairly healthy food, but also binged on chocolate again. Today went quickly, will go to gym tomorrow instead. Got two shifts at the deli this week, excited! Spoke to Russian guy, E #funny
9(5) Went back to sleep for an hour longer, oops. Got stuff to do today.
(5) Finally booked my East coast trip for me and my friend. Exited! Now time to start working so I can pay for it. My job hunt has slowed right down, I need a boost. +Need to book our flights & Tasmania.
(5) Whoa my God. Just booked (almost) everything for the trip with my friend in 9 weeks. Now I only have $1000 (Australian) to my name. Holy hell... It's back to square one with a thud. #money #adulting
(5) About to start at deli
10(7) On lunch break at deli, it was so nice to meet everyone again & give them a hug. Dare I say it, everything is going fine. I'm glad to be back. The wing restaurant said they'll try & give me shifts too
(7) New Aussie housemate moved in, only 18 but seems mature. She's half Taiwanese! We're all going to have some celebratory drinks tomorrow after work. I had a mini tidy of my room & allergy pills arrived
(6) On way to work @ deli.
11(5) 2 mistake at work oops, damn, but honest. Boss mad, got told off but I've had worse. She used to be a schoolteacher, now I understand... Heart2heart w/ underdog colleague who made same mistake 2day.
(6) Drinking w/ housemates, and food. We all made something. I've got a few shifts this week = awesome, even a couple at Wings. Tomorrow I will focus 100% on the customers orders, it's the best way. No BS
12(6) Shift at deli went well, I had energy. Went to St. Kilda festival to meet S after but weather was so cold. Nice area tho. Chatted to friend in Thailand, he's having more issues. Did geography.
13(3) Practised coffee, got praise, tho trainer noticed I have very little confidence in myself compared to my ability. He's right. This prompted lots of questions about myself, my future. What to do...
(3) Looking for therapists near my home town, using the internet. The act of looking for a therapist makes me upset.
14(4) Feeling #sleepy but I think it's due to #anxiety about work later, at Wings, first shift back in ages. Also really don't want to go back to my home town in June, but I'm anxious to start therapy ASAP.
(6) Wings was busy! Glad to see everyone. One customer annoying, complained dust on the lights! Geez. Boss bought us all a rose, aww - but it made me feel sad. I might go to cinema w/ new 18 y/o housemate
(5) Just woke up after a big dreamy snooze fest. When I say 'woke up' I mean opened my eyes then closed them again.
15(5) Missing the peace of mind and freedom that my savings provided me. Also disappointed in my current low wages, would now need to work an average of 47.5 hrs just to earn my target amount. Hmm. #money
(6) Studied healing from trauma book for a couple hours, cried. Planned to go to the gym after playing PoGo, ended up playing PoGo for hours... No gym! But I did get to cycle and see some of Melbourne.
(5) Good morning pandas. Or good night, afternoon or evening! I'm so #lazy & can't be bothered, is it a self-esteem issue? Probably. Wish I'd put in the effort for myself, like my mum never did. #struggle
16(5) Looking at jobs on the #skills shortage list for Australia. I don't want to go home forever... But there aren't really any matches. Nothing that I'm skilled at or takes my fancy. #uncertainty #future
(6) Did my upper body workout, then had a shower... Feeling clean and refreshed. Just updated my CV at the library, need 1 more piece of information before it's finished. Going to play some more Pokemon.
(6) Put a few mon's in gyms, hopefully they will still be there tomorrow when I collect my coins! Did some food shopping, too. Now going to try and call my auntie and uncle.
17(7) A relaxed morning & an easy and friendly afternoon shift at the deli. Feeling good. Got a guy mate coming to stay tonight, not sure if I'm warmed up to him enough for anything to happen. We'll see.
(6) Guy didn't come b/c uber here was super expensive. I'm wide awake now, it's 1am, trying a chamomile tea to start winding down again. Work tomorrow at Wings. Had fun playing #Pokemon today. #music
(5) #justwoke having a cup of coffee to start the day. I think my 67 y/o uncle has been scammed by a fraudulent investment company in a 'fixed 3 year bond' promising 9% returns p.a. Police investigating.
(4) #anxiety because A is going to be at work.
18(5) Good day overall, up early, free beer @work, free hot cross bun, & shift at deli 2moro. A just really gets under my skin & makes me angry. He's so smarmy. I don't even wanna waste my time hating him.
(5) #justwoke after going back to sleep. Tossing and turning last night and this morning. Still woke up with negativity for A. Boss left a message asking me to get to work asap, must be busy. #yawning
19(5) Luckily next wings shifts aren't on days that A is on, he usually only works one day a week now anyway. It's just always SO awkward, I try to make conversation but it's impossible. #awkward #angry
(7) Deli was good but I messed up our staff drinks order, though it wasn't the end of the world, it was fixed easily. We've closed new for renovation for 2 weeks so I got to take home LOADS of goodies!
(5) I needed to go to bed, I was tired. Now I'm over-tired! Go to bed, girl...Put that phone down.
(4) Slept in a bit late. Might just get ready and play PoGo. Got a few other things to do tho, finish uploading pics, catch up on diary, call for coffee training, work. Acne not good despite medication.
20(4) Coffee training, I didn't really feel like I was making any progress. Felt a little bit like trainer would rather I wasn't there, but it's because he thinks I'm ready to get out there and get a job.
(7) A rejuvenating short shift at Wings, great staff Romina and Max on. Boss very friendly as usual, praised me for being bang on form. I felt it; strong, organised, focused mind. #work #team #friendly
21(7) Cooked a variety of dishes for a very #healthy lunch! Proud of the fact. Chatted to Russian guy, he mistook me for a mate of his & started complaining, 'Hot b*tches never look at me'. OMG #LOL ! x'D
(4) Annoyed. Haven't got ready today, lazy sod. Trying to book car hire on Europcar website, but every time I check price it has gone up again. Nothing else has changed. Grrr, seriously #annoyed !
(6) Had Ethiopian #food with a #friend (Sophie), it was pretty good, but of course never the same as in country! We had good chats about Africa, guys, work and travel. Took ages to get home, bus late.
(5) Too much screen time. Did read some knowledgeable book reviews, they gave me new ways of looking at the world.
22(3) Absolutely dying from this workout. Finished now... No energy, yawning. Definitely not on form, missing/deferring those two workouts was a bad idea. #struggle #exercise feel like giving up completely.
(6) Managed to pull myself together and print some CVs, uploaded a few pics then played a bit of PoGo. Walked home feeling exhausted in the hot weather. Ate a healthy dinner and talked to Ai (housemate).
23(5) Handing in CVs in the CBD, but don't know why I'm so shy. Perhaps it's self-doubt and low self-esteem. One manager said he likes me, which is nice, but I don't feel any better. #selfdoubt #jobs #work
(5) Enjoyed walking round the city, just wish I had more confidence n enthusiasm. Best bit was #shopping in op shop for a winter coat. Chatted to old friend Svenja, she's also in therapy. Picking skin.
(3) Stayed up hours too late again, oops. #sleep
24(6) Slept in til midday, oops. But I'm going easy on myself. Legs aching even more from workout, DOMS. But I will complete this workout plan! Time to start the day. #determination #resolve #resilience
(6) Haven't left house. Applied to ride for Deliveroo. Wrote 1 week of diary. Tidied. Researched dermatillomania. Arranged cheese & wine night with housemates. Spoke to Vinnie. Procrastinating on gym sesh
(6) Walked to the gym and did my arm workout. It was not so bad. Felt good afterwards. Walking home relaxed, singing to myself. Hopefully I'll be able to carry the plates at work tomorrow :'-)
(5) #justwoke so sleepy zzz...
25(6) About to start work. Feeling alright. Glad to get a bit of cash. God knows I need it right now.
(5) So #tired - work was ok, though I wasn't on form. Colleague shouted at me, but apologised straight away. Got work again tomorrow, it's nearly 3am (always finish late). Got free bottle of wine though.
(5) #justwoke very #tired #headache Now need to get ready for work. Last night was too late to finish...
26(5) First split shift at wings, I'm on break. Tiredness really hitting now, struggling to hold a train of thought. Glad to not be working tomorrow! Will have coffee to try and get through this shift.
(6) Thankful for #coffee , painkillers and easy going co-workers. These things really helped me get through this shift. Luckily it wasn't too busy, either. On tram home now. Looking forward to rest.
(5) Last night I remembered it's coffee practise today and I arranged to meet a an acquaintance for lunch beforehand. Whaaat... I need to wake up.
27(6) Really struggled in the morning but following advice to do mundane tasks first thing (like tidying up) helped more than expected. I think just having part time work is helping me get into routine.
(6) Met with Jeremy at Suda for lunch, great spot. Enjoyed calm time. Not really chemistry. Coffee practise was mediocre. Think trainer is too grumpy...not helpful enough. Anthony agreed. Lovely hot day.
(6) Very tired afternoon. Trainer was at my tram stop, avoided him. Came home, eventually had cheese & wine with 3/4 housemates. Drank a fair bit but didn't get drunk. Young housemate did, she was funny!
28(4) I'm still having recurring thoughts re: those employers who wrongly led me on. Betrayal, fear, anger, resentment, disappointment, blame, contempt: These are a hindrance to my progress. Need 2process..
(6) Today was not too bad. Slept late then practised a little geography. Went to gym with no makeup. Face went beet red from workout, but who cares? I did it for me. Heat wave continues. Wings in evening.
(6) Oh, A messaged me again the other day, out of the blue, as usual. 'Are you there?' is all he said. I simply ignored him this time. Also I learnt that even unemployed or part timers can feel burnt out.
March
MTWTFSS
  1(7) On my way to find work. Feeling quitecheery and confident!
(7) Remembered something my boss, Jennifer, said the other day after she asked about my job search (I told her I hadn't got a job yet). She said, 'Did you show them your smile?' What a lovely thing to say
(7) Handed in a few more CVs (one at cafe my friend recommended) felt more confident - printed extra copies too. Won't have time until Saturday to hand them in. Missed signing up at uber office.
(7) Met with Marianna at expense of gym :-/ won't get a chance to work out till Friday. Behind by 3 sessions, but I will catch up somehow. Had nice time though. Just caught tram connection in time!
(7) 'There is no escalator to success - you have to take the stairs.' Zig Ziglar
(5) #tired #mornings a struggle.
2(8) Today = pretty awesome. Easy lunch time catering shift for women in business conference, wow! The things one of the speakers said really resonated with me. Blessing to hear! Harmless flirt w/ co-workr
(8) Played PoGo on way home, enjoyed being in nature - just present! Landlord&lady home from holiday w/gifts. Had such compassion for stranger, old Italian man who ended up chatting to me on tram. :') <3
(8) Made it to cheese&wine night at friend's place in Fitzroy. It was so awesome to see everyone & such good vibe. &Shared baklava, balsamic pearls, paté, kabanas, cheesecake, quince paste. #wine #alcohol
3(6) Little but hungover from last night, but slept late. Just chilling now, going to do a workout soon.
(8) A great arms&abs #workout & I'm feeling stronger in my push ups, but sit ups seem harder - progress is counterintuitive sometimes. Used kitchen mat&step to work out @home. #spotify #new #music #cakes
(8) It's happened, 1500 days of updates! WOW! What an achievement. Thank you to MP crew, and members. This site has become more and more of a positive outlet in my life. May it continue for years to come.
(4) NOT good. Trusted friend at house lay broke confidence, inappropriately touching young housemate, making her cry, and I. Argument with over protective masculine 'friend's ask why didn't we call4 help
(3) Oh, not good. Trusted friend inappropriately touching my housemate, then me. Fucking what?! In shock. Then my guy 'friends' no compassion, accusing us, why didn't we tell them immediately? Who are you
(2) Don't think I'll go out tomorrow night. Ugh...Don't wanna see insensitive frie
4(5) Went out for friends birthday/leaving do. Believe humanity is a shit right now. NOT all bad, some glorious but some poisonous bitches. Got work 2mor but no-one cares. Go figure. Just flabbergasted.
(3) So angry. Seething...
(4) Feeling very worse for wear today. Got a work shift soon. Really struggling, feel like an idiot. Should have gone home when I had the chance.
(4) Managed to arrange people to cover my shift. Sad for loss of day and money, but grateful for opportunity to rest. Can't sleep, feel very dodgy indeed. Health not good.
5(6) Felt self-conscious & vulnerable (alcohol after effects). Rested a while with J, then got pizza. Going to bake him cookies as leaving present. Went for walk in botanical garden. Feel much better now.
(5) Long and restful sleep. Feeling a little groggy w/ a touch of anxiety but apart from that, good.
6(6) Didn't leave enough time to exercise today, so playing more catch up this week, but I'm confident. Cleaned bathroom. Watched video tutorial on doing hair, trying to make more of an effort w/ myself.
(6) Decided not to go to coffee training today. Shift went okay, M was talking way too much, but we were not that busy and we finished on time. I had a thought that I missed A. Not much else to report.
7(5) Slept for 10 hours. No work today. I can do what I choose, mixed feelings about that. Let's get up first and start the day, one step at a time.
(5) Trying to search for flights, was reminded of maybe visiting my 'ex', G, he lives in LDN. We were in an open rel for 3 yrs, but it wasn't for me. Crying suddenly. He was good :( Craving security.
(5) Booking flight took way longer than expected. Prices going all over the place, technology failing me. But finally it's done. I got a decent price in the end, 438AUD from Bangkok to London. Next...
(4) Very teary. #Cried suddenly several times today, at my thoughts, people's words, kindness, even after exercise; fairly briefly, then recovered, yet sensitive. Binging on screen time, but little joy.
8(5) Slept so late, ugh. No time! Does anyone have advice on how to get up early? Joined Uber Eats as a cycle courier, why did I procrastinate so much? Said goodbye to friend who's going back to Germany.9(6) On split shift break at work. Tired. Sleep pattern off. Wish there was somewhere I could go to have a nap. Might do food shopping then try and find a piece of grass to nap on! Feeling ok despite this.
(5) Ok. Planned some things I can do tomorrow. Tired. Going to sleep now. I can do it. And get up early. Alarm set. Other side of room. And the rest. Feel a bit sick. Too much coffee today. Till was not
(5) Got up at 8.30am. That's early for me! Really hated my alarm going off, was dangerously close to going back to bed. Having a cup of coffee but not going to rely on it today. Cloudy sky. Sleepy.
10(4) Saw some weird #news &I can't understand it. It's but even THAT bad just pretty gruesome/morbid and I am perplexed as to why. Now I can't stop thinking about it. Really shook me up. Need to forget it!
(6) Today was... you know what, I'm not going to judge it. It just 'was' and it's a blessing, a gift. I've had this day. Pokemon nostalgia. Healthy appetite. Postcards. No gym. Film. Painting nails.
(5) Awake but so #sleepy hmm. Got woken up by noises of housemate leaving this morning, then went back to sleep. Maybe that's why I'm sleepy..Need to jump in the shower to wake myself up.
11(5) Thinking about making a doctor's appointment to talk about depression. Feel like a fraud though, I mean, it's not debilitating but it's definitely affecting my day-to-day. I think I tend to put on a
(5) Really dislike waking up. I prefer my dreams. I guess 7.5 hours sleep is not enough for me. Aiming to go to bed at 11pm tonight.
(5) Searched Google for binge drinking b/c I've noticed a pattern in myself. Now reading a forum about alcohol abuse, I want to quit drinking alcohol. It feels weird to say this again. Just don't see how.
12(5) Strange day do far. Haven't got dressed just been binging on internet/Reddit, thinking about my life. Then suddenly get a phone call from manager, someone has been sacked and they need me to cover.
(7) Feel good. Must be this thing they call 'an honest days work'. And the prospect of more of it. A little stability. A blessing, as it's depressing having too much time and too little cash. Bad combo.
(7) Another successful phone call with my auntie & step-uncle. I can't believe it. Auntie gently asking if I'll do anything wi/ my degree, referencing David Attenborough (she watched last night) #family
(7) #allthefeels #emotions are so important. So are #relationships & #connection that's what I was missing. Right now I feel #relief #hope #tears #wonder oh wonder how I've missed you. Long lost feelings.
13(5) A little late going to bed last night, then alarm went off 30 mins earlier today. I went back to bed and slept. Now 11.15am and I have one of those oversleeping headaches. Body feels limp.
(3) I've been watching some great videos on YouTube about relationships. Some are even quite funny, I'm laughing out loud. Haven't left the house but I'm also #crying a lot to these videos. #selfdiscovery
(5) Should've gone to the gym by now.
(6) On tram to work. It is over 20 mins late and seats are full already. Hope I'm not late for work. Had decent breakfast, showered, make-up, listened music and did a few jacknives and push ups.
14(7) Chatted to a band who came into the restaurant to eat. They gave me a free CD, it looks good!
(7) #tired but happy from a long day's work. Blog event there! I made a silly mistake, and although I beat myself up about it, I was also able to see the funny side #progress Early start tomorrow. #work
(5) #justwoke I'm ok. Weird dreams again. I am learning how 2 open the store today&do kitchen shift. All day w/ 2 hr break. Thinking how much I've matured since age 23. Remembering to state my wants/needs
15(7) #work early start, up at 7:15am but feeling ok so far. Big hugs to all my panda friends.
(6) Today=a mix of emotions. 80% happy at first (being trained in kitchen), but then also (a)anger (so much work), (b)hopelessness ('how can I handle this?') & (c)overwhelm. In reverse order. Weds night!
(3) Uncle called me from UK and phone was so loud, woke me up at 1:30am. Did not answer. Went back to bed feeling incredibly angry. It's now really hot in my room and I need my sleep. Grrrrrrr!!!
(5) Dreams. Sitting next to a man on the tram who's talking about someone he met who he guesses works for the government in security. Then I press the bell but I don't need to get off. A woman waves at
16(7) Counted 58hrs work this week. That's good! On way in now, tram late. Lots of time to get ready this morning, feeling fresh. Listening to #triphop <3 nearly out of mobile data, a blessing in disguise?
(6) Good day's work. My skin is clearing up b/c i don't have much time to pick it. Not much time. Need to be on form. Hope I didn't forget anything at #work today. We'll see tomorrow. #tired #busy
17(5) Snapped at boss a little today, oops. No dramas, but hope he doesn't think less of me for it. Also apparently I was one hour behind schedule to open, eek. Lucky boss helped me out. He's a good egg.
(6) #calm even though I burnt my fingers today at work.
18(6) Started day w/ music. On tram felt topsy-turvy, delicate. Walking I felt restless energy. Then actually cried from shock & awe when I saw deli shop refit, it's so good. Work was cruisy after all.
(5) Got up early to go to gym but didn't make it b/c didn't want to go on an empty stomach, ate breakfast so now full. Need to plan it better next time. I'll just do a little tiny bit at home. Tired.
19(7) Happy. #Sleep pattern is great. Hugged deli boss today, when she said she's glad to have me back. Free food at deli. Wings boss winked at me in friendly way as leaving. Got new #work contract. #hugs
(5) Day off. Raining, like before - it always used to rain on my day off. Having a nice lay in. Want to decide what to do today. Should probably go to coffee training but I'm feeling indifferent.
20(7) Yes. Good! Practised coffee, trainer was almost not grumpy today, it's a miracle. I started my #gym routine again! Went back 3 weeks, seeing as I missed 2 - luckily #workout was still manageable.
(6) Up early to go to work, 12 hour shift today! Opening the kitchen again, here I go. Going to try to be faster than before. Had dreams that at 9y/o I wanted to move too big Aussie city.
21(6) Shift done, all was ok. Not too hard! Worst bit was tram back, my back was aching so much, I was wishing they had massage chairs in the tram...Lol. Girl at work bought me bubble tea, wow. #success
(5) Woke up from fairly deep sleep. 7 hours not quite enough? Guts gurgling away. Just 6h shift today then trying to sell my friend's car, as a favor. Then got a dinner party. Where is time for exercise?
22(6) Overall good day. Getting faster at work, realising the virtue of consistency and how it affects others. Car viewing cancelled, did workout instead :-) dinner party w/ friends, but feel lost now home.
(5) Starting work at midday, so just had pancakes and cups of tea for breakfast, yum. So tasty. Other than that, kinda tired, need to shower and get ready then I'll feel a bit better.
23(7) On lunch break at work. Feeling pretty good. Having fried chicken most every day is not healthy, but damn tasty. Got afternoon off tomorrow, that's great. Had a weird thought about not wanting kids...
(7) It's night time and I'm craving pancakes again! Lol. Maybe I should save the last one for tomorrow. #Work was good. I'm trying to be the best I can be. Waiting for tram, it's rather late...
(5) Feeling lonesome tonight. Maybe I'll meet someone soon? But I'm not in a rush.
(5) Had a pancake for breakfast, it was yum. Even flipped it :-) trying to work out what to do today, got 8 hours before work. Not looking forward to working with A tomorrow. E makes me feel lonely.
24(5) Weird migraine like symptoms after exercise. Bought some healthy ingredients to make some tasty food. Going to work soon, took painkillers to try and fix this headache thing. Feel spaced out...
(6) Quite a productive day, really - now that I have less time, I use it more wisely. Up at 8am, workout, food shopping, laundry. Work in evening was good, working FOH tomorrow. Almost caught a Lapras.
25(7) Feeling good. Easy shift at deli. Everything seems easier at the moment. I guess I'm in my comfort zone, perhaps it's time to break out of it soon. I guess that will happen when I go back to England..
(7) At work A left as I arrived, he'd swapped his shift with someone. Admittedly I was slightly relieved we didn't have to work together. Balanced the till myself. Apologised to Lisa. Caught a Lapras!
(5) Woke up. Had less sleep today and got another 12h shift, but reminding myself I have a day off tomorrow, thank God. This week has absolutely flown by. Looking forward to resting tomorrow. Ahh...
26(6) Day going ok, deli very quiet. Guy came up just to say I look beautiful. Very nice thing but I got a weird vibe and felt uncomfortable. Just finished lunch, feeling so tired I'm laughing randomly.
(6) Long ass day. K left early. #Work so quiet, but I was so slow (not just me) we didn't even finish on time. LOL. But I didn't really care. Till didn't balance, oops. Just happy to go home. #tired
(6) Today I ate so much fat and sugar. 150g cheese, fresh cream eclair, cheese twist, two croissants, sweets, and another small cake thing. And bread. And sushi. Good thing it's leg day at gym tomorrow.
(6) Dreamt of my alarm going off, then it did. Rolled out of bed easily, automatically, what a miracle it is. Had Portuguese tart and another fresh cream eclair for breakfast, just because I can. #dayoff
27(5) Today has gone by so fast, did I time travel? Cleaning, cooking, last ever coffee training, paying off some of holiday bill, checking Myki (sorted now), car viewing for friend. Sleepy, spaced out now.28(4) Slept in til midday, feeling very tired and I have no idea why. Can't really afford to be tired at work because there is so much to do.
(3) F***ing pi**ed off for no reason. Did a workout and hated every second but similarly IDGAF. No patience. Angry yet impotent. Restless yet careless. Ravenous. Kinda scaring myself. On way to work.
(6) Feeling a lot better. Listening to Belle & Sebastian, why have I not given them much of a chance before? This music resonates with me. Quite different from the metal I listened to earlier ;)
29(6) So tired, was falling asleep on tram. Back home now and I need to bake a cake for housemate's birthday, very tempted to lay down but that's not a good idea. Work was ok, I was fast. Drink more water.
(5) Woke up just before my alarm, dreaming that I was making out with my boyfriend. He wasn't very good looking, looked like a kid who used to bully me in school. It was like a sit-com, we lived in a big
(5) Pretty sure I do actually have a cold but it's been quite mild so that's why I wasn't sure. That would explain the tiredness. Reminding myself I have a holiday in 2 weeks time, thank goodness. Work@12
30(7) Ok..Work was fairly busy, but I was concentrating well today. Diet still unhealthy. Happy enough. Acting crazy at work, good team. Having fun, being silly but working hard. Need sleep now, for 2moro.
(5) #sleepy #nothoughts
31(7) Super busy day at work, so many orders and two massive corporate orders. I enjoyed it being busy though, it was fun. Day went so fast. Now at home, it's one housemates birthday, gonna eat and drink.
(5) So full. Too much food... Belly feels stretched out and bloated as they get. Had a lovely evening. Felt a bit anxious at one point, left the room then came back - felt better afterwards. Alcohol?
(5) Work soon. Tired. Too many social obligations this week (2). Just want time to myself, looking forward to day off Monday, I can do nothing. Watch movies and stay home in my dressing gown. De-motivated
April
MTWTFSS
     1(3) Rude customers at work. Really just want to punch one lady thinking about it now. Wish I'd been quicker to respond to stand up for myself. People shouldn't get away with being so rude. #tired #angry
(5) Getting ready for #work - it's Sunday - only got the one shift today then going for food with a couple of friends. Don't even wanna go really, but at least it's better than going to work. I can relax.
2(6) So, work was okay. Happy. Got some free food. Dinner was disaster, restaurant said to wait one hour as low stock... Friends decided not to come b/c of this. So I'm in the pub having a $10 jug alone.
(5) Pay day tomorrow. Evening with friends was better than expected, I laughed a lot. Quiet, good. Got uber home. Feeling the cold. Can relax tomorrow but feel uneasy, like I should plan to do something.
3(5) Cried a bit in bed last night, loneliness, but fell asleep quickly. Feeling a bit sickly this morning, feeling the cold weather. Going to drink lots of cups of tea. Loving having time to myself. Ahhh.
(5) I think my diet is getting out of control. I can't resist the free food at deli and binge on it. I ate nearly a whole portion of cheese tonight, and that left over fried chicken, enough for 3 people.
(5) Today I mostly played PoGo, which I enjoyed, walking around appreciating this beautiful city in the sunshine. My slight cold is bugging me, I didn't exercise but can't really blame the cold - it's not
4(6) good day. Still a bit sick. Practised geography, I feel like I'm back at school, but less intelligent. Or do I just have a better picture of how little I really know, now I'm older? Work was okay.5(6) Alarm woke me up but decided to go back to sleep (+2hrs,). Got headache but feeling rested. Happy to just chillax for now #breakfast Had a dream about water slides again, & accidentally taking a cat
(6) Practised geography of Europe and Africa. Had coffee which took the edge off my headache. Ate well. Paid off holiday, yay! Watched YouTube videos by 'The School of Life', *highly* recommend. Watch it!
6(6) Had a fairly early night good lay in. Did lots of overdue cleaning. All of it. Did laundry. Money sorted for holiday. Ate well. Cycled, playing PoGo. Watched bad X Factor auditions with housemate.7(5) Struggling to get up. Snoozing. Dreamt about stealing money from a change machine. Paranoid a friend is harboring resentment. Felt lost last night, crying, felt the need to 'piece my past together'(?)
(5) Chilled morning getting ready for work. Coffee got me through well but now I am still awake at 1am. Didn't go out with friend, forgot to text her as well oops. Work tomorrow with A, what will be...
8(5) Ok. Woke before alarm. Boss asked me to come in an hour early; getting a move on. Thinking about my holiday.
(7) Yawning so much on tram home. Deli was good. Boss away sick, so no stress. 1 coffee. Work with A was ok, dunno why I was nervous. Glad we are ok. Still feel attracted to him tbh, how unexpected. #work
(5) #justwoke #tired half-awake before alarm again. Windy and rainy, I don't mind. Thinking if things I wanna but with my money; Beats, LipSense, Ice Breaker clothing, but ultimately they don't matter.
9(5) Long ass day. I was grumpy, clumsy and moaning but grateful for pay. Quick to anger but easy to forgive. Nothing major happened today. Boss corrected my cheese recommendation. Other boss not impressed
10(5) Binged on some deli foods last night, yum. It's become my Sunday ritual. Woke up in the night because of the storm. Then overslept, now I feel like I'm made of clay. It's my day off. Weather sucks.
(7) Out with a friend, Marianna. We went for dinner, had great in depth discussions, and now we are having a couple more drinks. Feeling good. Will go home soon though because I have work tomorrow at 11.
(6) On way home. Had 1 extra drink with M then left. Had great time discussing ex boyfriends & such, haven't had that time in a while. Should be ok 2mor yet feel like taking mol/getting wasted somehow..?
(4) Ughh got home & all good...Then checked travel vouchers & they're wrong, especially the buses. Feel so angry wanna smack something but everyone is asleep. Predictive text also doing my head in. FU!!!!
11(5) #justwoke feeling so tired. Hope I can get up and feel more awake soon. And have energy at work... Hope I'm not developing an anger issue. Hoping it was the alcohol.
(6) Work was pretty good, with K. I found my energy - no caffeine required :-) now running a few errands, on a mission to finalise the details of my holiday. Yet again I forgot something at work...
(6) Feeling lazy. Watched No Country for Old Men, quality film. Too tired to plan trip. Haven't even showered... Going to have M&C round on Good Friday, cook them lunch and watch a film. Bed time now.
(5) 8 hours sleep but feel very tired. Had a dream that ex boyfriend had captured me as his slave, I was trying to escape. It was set around my childhood homes. Don't wanna get out of bed now.
12No Reasons13(5) Running late for work again
(5) Wasted time scrolling on Reddit when I should be sleeping
14(6) Sorry not been very active on here lately, been very busy! Last minute stuff for holidays, seeing friends, cooking. My friend is arriving tomorrow to start our holiday so it's go go go. Happy Easter!
(5) Just woke... Last day of work before my holiday, it's a long day. Meeting friend later then just gonna go home, eat, finish packing and sleep...then another early start tomorrow. Dunno how I do it.
15No Reasons16(6) Dreamt that a friend said I look like a boy, so I beat her up. She later apologised and I felt guilty / Early start, arrived in Launceston with Amy :-) picked up our hire car and just had lunch.
17No Reasons18(6) Hiking is hard, I'm unfit! Been getting up at stupid o'clock. So tired but been busy. Honey going well so far. Can't update much, little signal/wifi/data. Flying to Sydney tomorrow eve.19(3) Highly social holiday life, little sleep. So #tired so many activities. Tasmania is finished, now in Sydney. Had a prang in rental car, all ok. Went a little 'off road'; Ironically I will get a fine20(5) Bondi #beach walking, lovely day. Finally played some Pokemon. #Moneyworries #contemplation #selfreflection but no time to investigate #tired going out for a drink soon with Amy and the Russian dude.21(6) Night out with Amy was good, Latino music, though I realized a lot of situations make her feel awkward. Was nicely drunk last night, but only little hangover.Went to market & Taronga zoo today.22No Reasons23(5) 2nd day in Byron bay, got a stinking cold so didn't watch Amy do her skydive. Feeling spaced out and hot/cold/sweaty in this warm weather. Just having breakfast now, taking it easy but not gonna hold
(5) Cold is hanging around, but going to go out anyway as I don't want to ruin my holiday, don't want to let Amy down. Should be okay as I had a massive lay in this morning. Gonna have a fairly chill one
(4) Night out was good :-) now I've woken up at 2am, parched... Rehydrated now, but nose is blocked yet runny, sure I'm disturbing bunk mate. Took more paracetamol. Not feeling good.
24(5) On the bus, still got this stinking cold. Just bought the blandest smoothie ever. First world problems. Amy seems to be in a mood but that's how she is normally lol. So not taking it personally.
(4) Watched new Fast and Furious movie. Annoying guys in my room being drunk idiots. Cold still here, just wanna get some sleep. Not looking forward to those guys coming back. Need rest. I'm done with Oz.
25(6) Idiot guys appear to be leaving the room. Hooray! Plan for the day, watch Amy's skydive video, free up space on phone, read, go for a quiet nature walk, do a little laundry (by hand), buy flip flops.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(3) Amy needs a lesson in manners, she really puts things in the most insensitive way. Implying she won't be doing anything today b/c I am sick. Um, hello? Plenty for you to do here, take your pick! FFS.29(6) Feeling much better today after sleeping from 4:30pm until 6:30am. Hopefully I can get over this cold now, though it's gone into my chest. Had a massive fry up. Amy got nose pierced. Chilled morning.
(6) On Paradise Cove, a secluded resort! <3 Amy took credit for me sighting dolphins; I let that one slide, rather took it as a compliment & a sign of her humaness, hopes & insecurities. We all have them.
(6) Last night's camp games frustrated me, I saw the childish, impatient aspect of myself. But today we are going snorkeling & to Whitehaven Beach. Hopefully SUP as well. I'm eating bfast alone, by choice
30(3) Oops, drank way too much last night..now I'm awake I think I'm still drunk. May need help today. Hope I'm not sick... Went very wild last night. Gonna need some painkillers. #hangover
May
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2(4) Not sure what to put here at the mo. Got through hangover in one piece. Finished holiday. Back to work. Still sick. Amy has left Australia. I have 4 weeks left. Feeling lonely, but not feeling social.3(4) My aunt has a problem with blood flow to her heart, they're gonna fix it. Uncle woke me up while ringing me at stupid o'clock. Not feeling well. Slept till 10:30. Had a dream car engine overheated.4(6) Spoke to uncle, auntie had minor seizure but ok. Apparently mum has been in psych ward on/off since Nov, due to money-grabbing abusive BF. Watched 4 movies, drank vodka w/ housemate, we get along fine5(5) Woke up early b/c my rent reminder was going off. It'll be late this week. Feeling slightly hungover, just lying in bed at the moment, thinking what to do today. #boring
(5) Spent most of day reading articles and listening to podcasts. Chat with family friend easily irks me for some reason (remembered ET, I'm creating my own suffering) think she is just trying to help me
6(6) Got work today. Got up, showered, met girl who will be moving in tomorrow. Got my to-do list. Remembered I need to keep 'going through the motions', even if I feel a bit wobbly or uncertain.
(6) #thinking #amindawakened I just listened to a superb podcast on 'learned helplessness'. Now my thinking has changed, I already knew about this phenomenon but hadn't really thought it applied to me.
(5) So #tired after work, finished at 10pm, on way home now and got work at 7am tomorrow. Zzz... I couldn't stop laughing at work. Silly mood. A was there and being more talkative for a change.
(5) Woke up with headache and feeling very tired, unsurprisingly. It's so early for a Sunday I can't get a tram into town, gotta get an Uber. This is the last time I accept accept an early shift here.
7(6) Got through day fairly well, no big mistakes but one customer reaction that took me off guard, eliciting a strong emotional response from me but I didn't react. Realised what I should've said after...
8(5) Been very thinky lately... It's good. Mostly it's not mind racing anxious thinky, because I don't have much 2B anxious about. Thinking abt therapy again, is it better to have therapy in my home town
(5) Just left home to go to town. It's kinda rainy. I feel quite spaced out because i slept until 11am and only just left home. Want to watch Hidden Figures at the cinema, not sure if it's still on.
(5) Just seen 'Get Out' at the cinema, have mixed feelings about it, but definitely enjoyed it. Feel like my mind is switching on, now I just need to get into the routine of moving my body again.
9(6) #Snoozed for an hour, loving the comfort of my bed. Need to start using the hair band trick for my phone again. Then off to work. Need to finally buy groceries today, keep putting it off.
(5) Note to self: be meticulous! Give a s***! Keep better records! Budget! Plan ahead! Wake up! I would save myself so much hassle. // Work was good, productive. Had a thought, who is the real me?
(6) Watched Hidden Figures (such an uplifting movie!) and East is East (what a blast from the past, but still poignant today). Been watching quite a few movies. Now it's coming up to 1am, I should sleep.
10(6) More thoughts, though I've been distracting a little more watching films (West is West) and w/ more shifts. Spoke to family friend, told her I'm going to get therapy. I was scared. She was so kind.
(4) So #tired not enough sleep again. Oh well at least it's just one day. Doing double kitchen shift today.
11(6) At work, ok, I'll give it a 6. #work #keepingbusy12(6) Thought for the morning: there's a part of me that won't settle for less. When I let it, it keeps me driving forward, away from inaction. It stops me making decisions I'll regret. I like this part.
(4) Just worked 11am 'til 10pm with no break because it was so busy. Just realised this, and thought 'I'm f***ing badass'. No wonder I have a headache. Now I'm home. Rewarding myself with a hot chocolate
13(5) Cooked a healthy-ish lunch, cevapcici. Still got a #headache and got work soon. Would rather stay at home if I'm feeling this way, but it's not much fun. At least at work I'll be earning. #bleh
(6) Headache went away, work was slow and so was I when closing. Oops. Lucky my colleagues are chilled out, hope they weren't annoyed. Gay customer asked me out, she was surprised I'm straight. Unusual.
(5) Feeling a bit lost. Just remembered that I have no money, so how am I going to buy drinks, lunch etc for Great Ocean Road? I'll need to borrow money. I don't like doing that but what else can I do...
14(6) Great Ocean Road was fine. Friend who drove me and housemate ended up paying for everything, he's very generous guy indeed, a real sweetheart. So I'm grateful for that. Glad we finally visited it.
15(8) Oh, happy day! I just received an email from Europcar, stating that the damage was indeed not my fault, it was due to their 'standard operating procedure' not being followed by staff. Very happy now!
(5) Now I just spoke to manager about missing pay and I feel stupid because some of it was due to me not taking break when I was supposed to. She did tell me this once before but I forgot.
(5) Spoke to travel agent, think they may have overcharged me a few hundred dollars. I'm hoping they have b/c I could do with the money right now. Waiting for them to call back today. Doubt they will tho.
(4) Looked at rooms to rent in my home town. Then looked at jobs and suddenly burst into tears. I don't know why job hunting scares me so much. Stayed up very late on Reddit. Never left the house #anxiety
(5) Woke up just before my alarm. Work soon, training someone new.
16(5) Training work guy went ok, but I finished late. Felt tired. Did food shopping. Declined drinks w/ boss. Started arranging leaving do. Cooked rice. Listened to Tim Ferris podcast, now feeling reassured17(6) Overslept 1hr, weird dreams. Started packing already, still 2 weeks til I leave but wanted to see if everything will fit. Seems good enough. Got work later and covering a shift tomorrow, which is good
(5) Training guy at work and I finished late. It's hard enough to get everything done without having someone else to think about. Maybe I just try too hard. It was fairly busy. Not much else to report.
18(4) Tired this morning. Realised I couldn't take other guy's shift as it's housemates leaving do tomorrow. Luckily he wasn't pissed. So many weird dreams recently. Falling asleep on tram again. Had a bath19(6) Been #snoozing in bed, deep in my comfort zone. I'm not proud of it, but I enjoy the sheltered, #cosy feeling. Back is niggly even before I've got up, this is unusual, gonna get a massage in Thailand.
(5) Housemate is inviting our landlady and landlord to her leaving do here tonight. They're lovely, though I just feel it might increase my anxiety like last time. That will make 6 of us, not 4. Hmm.
20(6) Just woke. Feeling relaxed :-) going to drink tea and read my book. Got work later. Not sure how I would cope with a 9-5. It feels like a trap to me, hopefully one day I can overcome that idea.
(6) Watched Better Call Saul. Read my GOT book. Work was good, busy then quiet. #Friendliness was the main positive thing w/ manager and staff. And I got to be a hand model and drink a free #beer
(5)
21(5) Work was actually pretty good, just slightly triggered by boss. Sold car for friend, purchasing family were nice but the dad got on my nerves a bit. Watched Mockingjay with a couple of my housemates.
22(6) Randomly internet surfed most of the day about politics and productivity (ironically). In the evening I dressed up and went to work do, it was a bowling and laser tag party! I loved it; over to soon!23(7) Kinda exited, surprisingly. I'm going to Chadstone, the largest shopping centre in the southern hemisphere & my friend gave me $100 as thanks for selling his car. I have grown very fond of Melbourne.
(7) I enjoyed today. I traveled easily to the shopping centre, treated myself to a couple of cosmetic items and enjoyed browsing. Went to the National Gallery of Victoria, ah art! Then bought souvenirs.
24(5) So sleepy this morning despite early night.
(6) Really struggled to get going today. Didn't prepare, procrastinated. Said final goodbyes to housemate :( landlady sent me nice text saying how much she'll miss me, too. Played PoGo all evening.
25(5) I don't want to be a slave to my moods.
(7) Went to basic dance movement class. It felt so good to be present in my body, expressing, even if my movements were uncertain and I felt self conscious. I'm so glad I went. Played PoGo, epic walk.
(7) Housemates, landlady and landlord all came to my leaving gathering last night. I was not really nervous at all. We were having such good conversations, no one except me noticed it was nearly 1am!
26(4) A few things happened today, I don't know where to begin. Work was ok and normal, just busy because there was so much to do. Then I went to another dance class, it was fun! I realised how unfit I am.27(5) Shift @ deli was ok. Last shift at wings was ok, though I made a mistake re: gluten free. Friend was annoyed but part of me really didn't care. I accepted responsibility and that the mistake couldn't
(4) Long day... Tired, can't think straight to update properly. Just gonna sleep now.
28(4)
(4) Weird dreams alert. 1. At work moving stock boxes upstairs, first trying to number them when the delivery arrives because there are duplicates but can't think straight (as usual). 2. On messenger
(5) Last shift at deli. Ok. Drinks with a few friends. Nice enough. Tired now. Just wanna sleep. Feel a depression coming.
29No Reasons30(6) Topsy turvy, up and down, this way and that way... Many gatherings and goodbyes. Gifts and well wishers. Offers of support from Niamh, landlord & lady; advice: take one step at a time. Take care.31(3) Not been updating much, but right now I'm on the plane about to leave Australia. Think I've been in denial about leaving, hence minimum updates. I'm welling up now. Lucky I have nice friend to meet me
June
MTWTFSS
   1(6) Made it through the first flight... Despite over 2 hour delay before takeoff, we were stuck in the plane because of a previous incident. A horrible flight but it's over now. About to board connection.
(6) Arrived in Thailand. My good Thai friends have been taking care of me. Picked me up from airport. Cooked me a lovely dinner. Such a long journey. Time for sleep.
2(6) Had a good sleep. Friends have house in Trang; tropical, wooden, open, great air and very relaxing. Woke up to roasters this morning, eventually got up at 7am. Very early for me! #nature #friends
(6) My new favorite shop is the School of Life. I'm in love! Also I quite like Kikki K, but it's so focused on organisation sometimes it makes me feel very overwhelmed. Still, I might buy an organiser.
(6) Taught my friend some yoga, I am feeling more together now. Off to concert soon. I'm not sure how I feel about socialising but what will be, will be. Taking it as it comes. Looking forward to dinner!
3(4) Thai gig last night was difficult for me. Even though I can't speak the language, it was too much socialising for me. I felt awkward. I just grinned and beared it. It went on so long.
(6) Today was much more relaxed, thank goodness. Ate very spicy food for lunch, too hot! Long drive 'home'. Toyed with song ideas, thought about grandma. Read book. Non-spicy food for dinner, phew!
4(6) Spent the day doing a bit of shopping. Thai friend asked me to go halves with her on a face mask. I'd already gifted her an eye cream when I arrived. Realizing I should've bought that nice face mask
5(7) Had BBQ with some of their Thai friends last night, it was pleasant. Still feeling tired tho. Middle of the road, as ever. I want to break this mediocrity. Today we went to Koh Muk & got caught in the6(5) Last night was tricky getting to sleep lots of mosquitos, the cats jumping on the tin roof & giving me a fright, they even climbed into the room and sat on my bed. My friends were arguing in the next
(6) Chilling on the beach. It's so muggy. Not sure how I'm feeling abt going home, perhaps I need 2connect 2 my emotions more? And have another look at my 'back home to-do list'. #blasè & world-weary :/
(4) Googled 'creative therapies', found a website w/ games & support 4 helping children identify emotions & deal w/ challenges. Grieving the support I missed out on but so sorely needed as a child. #grief
(2) Internet very shaky here. Tried to sleep but brain full of sad songs and sad thoughts to match.
7(6) Changed my avatar, now I feel like a new panda. Now hear the tune of my tiny violin! Feeling more stable today. Left the island, heading back to friend's home. Grateful for hospitality of Thai people.
(5) Heading deep in2 a Wiki hole abt. psychology, got in2 researching the 'startle response'. What do you know... As I'm concentrating, a *gecko* drops directly onto me from above. Startled, much?! There
8(5) Just woke. Feeling sleepy and unmotivated as usual. Will it ever change? How could I change it?
(7) Today was ok. Video chat w/ Seb really brightened my spirits. I wrote some bits of the song, hopefully I can finish it tomorrow. Watched Thai manohra dance. I didn't speak much today, kept to myself.
9(7) #ukelection2017 I'm glad we made a difference and glad to see so many people talking politics. I hope it continues. June really was the end of May. Been chilling so far today, food and face masks.
(6) Today has been pretty good and I've been in fairly high spirits, though paradoxically I've also felt like bursting into tears a few times. Went shopping, spent a little more than I would've liked, but
10(7) Tired this morning, own fault. Drank some #coffee & tea, which helped. Flying to Bangkok today, for the last leg of my trip before I get homeward bound. Need to pack my bag, today's challenge. #travel
(6) Waiting for luggage in Bangkok, it's taking ages! Feeling okay. Kinda anxious to get started in therapy and get my life in order. Looking forward to seeing my good friends. Take a break. Re-evaluate.
11(5) I'm at a loss. As per the definition; uncertain what to think, say or do. Feel as if I'm suspended in mid air, static - looking around at my life. Directionless in this world, not sure where I fit in.
(5) 'The trouble with most of us is that we'd rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism.” Norman Vincent Peale
12(5) I would like to rent a caravan at the coast, alone, for a week. I just think getting away from it all & having some quiet alone time, close to nature, would be positive for my mental health right now.
(6) Leaving Bangkok today, flying to London. Homeward bound (ish). Nok was once again very hospitable. Can't fault the Thai people. Very friendly, polite and welcoming. On way to airport now. #travel
13(7) On the plane back. Excited. Watched 5 films, wow. Flight was long... But yes, I'm a little bit exited to go home. It's Landaan, innit! Feeling lots of emotions, not sure how to describe. #travel
(7) Arrived in London. Feeling a sense of attachment to place, very glad to be back, I'm pleased to say! Staying at G's (he even has a spate room, perfect!). Enjoying exploring & thinking. #schooloflife
14(7) Sorted a couple of errands, super & SIM card. A lovely day again. So much 2 do. I feel good. Remembering not to be so uptight. Refusing to let people ruin things for me. Met G's new girlfriend. #fresh15(7) Bus journey home flew past. Having great #conversations with G, he's smart. Really appreciating #sharing knowledge and opinions with him. He's a good egg, and one of my most admired #friends
(7) Happy. Still surprised it takes so long 2 sort things online, but ok. Listening to EDM @home. Cleaned for G, as I'm staying for while. Met up with Rose, drank G&T w/ her housemates. I <3 London #tipsy
16(3) Woke up early due to #alcohol consumption, feeling that horrible #hungover feeling, it fills me with dread and makes me feel like a horrible excuse for a human being. What goes up... 2.5. #gin
(7) Managed 2get back 2sleep. Luckily, my body was able 2process the rest of the fallout from alcohol during that time. Then I had more 'LOL' conversations w/ G, before he left for work. #grateful #happy
17(2) Stayed up watching videos of Grenfell tower #disaster on YouTube, #crying Highly upsetting to watch... But I'm glad I've heard it from the residents, their passion and sense of community is helping.
(6) Ok, today I'm going to put first things first. No more AM procrastination. Morning routine; shower, get dressed, focus. (10m meditation to get started) breakfast, quick tidy, go to the bank. #orderly
(5) Got through the morning ok, short meditation was highlight. Things slipped a little in the arvo after a pushy salesman pushed my buttons. Thankfully I later realised I had a lucky escape. #salespeople
18(6) Bought some stronger antihistamines, and I have been feeling quite drowsy...yet I'm drowsy either way. Nearly fell asleep waiting for friend to arrive. Another reunion, we had a lovely chat @ the pub
(6) Slept late due to late night. Remember dreaming again, that's two dreams where I've been directly and confidently giving someone a piece of my mind. Like a politician. It felt good.
(6) Now, though it's actually midday I still will do my routine, and get the day started. Then I'm going to do some nite cleaning of the house for G. And figure out some sort of plan for what I'll do next
(7) #meditation
(5) Cleaning was pretty successful. Been doing my new skin care routine, it's good to finally be in a routine. Spoke to uncle IL, auntie collapsed again and was put in ICU, luckily she's improving.
19(6) Up @reasonable time, feeling allergic. Routine interrupted slightly, but still meditated. Antihistamines making me drowsy, but that means they'd be ideal to take b4 bed. Hopefully coffee helps me now.
(6) Saw auntie in ICU; reminded me of when my grandma was in hospital, before she died. She couldn't talk. Saw my uncle IL, too, a nice surprise. I'm feeling #grateful for my health. #realitycheck #family
20(4) Finishing cleaning my friend's taps, they're a mess w/ built up limescale. Now I'm scared, because the vinegar I used has damaged some of the chrome... I hope he's not mad at me #worried #scared
(8) Excited as I'm cooking dinner for G and his girlfriend, it's spaghetti Bolognese, yum! I also found something that might indicate the taps were already damaged underneath the limescale; feeling calmer
21(5) Dinner was pretty good, they liked it. G was pleased about the taps, not mad. I feel a bit awkward around new people, but I guess that's normal. Also been feeling like bursting into tears randomly.
(7) Overslept. Felt like reading but had promised to meet old acquaintance in Hoxton. Sweated profusely on journey. All was ok in the end, we got on well, had greasy spoon lunch and visited Victoria Park.
(6) Stayed up too late chatting to G, but enjoyed it. He asked me if I'm feeling positive about the world and I said, ''Not really'. Talking about it, I would've cried, so I asked him questions instead.
22(6) Tired this morning, thankfully G woke me up - I need to get back into that little routine I was in. Mercifully it's a bit cooler today, just 21° at the mo. Going to drink lots of cups of tea methinks.
(5) Managed to have lunch, though it's full of wheat (which doesn't agree w/ me). Deleted Facebook app from my phone, creating a less cluttered mind. Spot picking indicates anxiety. Deciding what to do.
(5) Took a walk in the park, briefly. Otherwise I wouldn't have left the house today ? G's GF will be cooking us dinner, which is lovely, though I really don't feel like socialising #unproductive
(6) So turns out dinner was good, I was much more relaxed and enjoyed it a lot. Relieved. Saving the last episode of BCS for tomorrow, so I can get to sleep at a reasonable time. Goodnight pandas x
23(5) Slept until midday ? that's 12 hours sleep. I did enjoy my dreams, I think if I got a dream diary it might encourage me to sleep even more. Was dreaming I was in Thailand, a mixed, then English part.
(5) I really need to do something today. If I just sit and watch TV series I won't be able to enjoy it because I feel guilty for not doing anything. Hmm.
(5) Went to visit auntie in ICU. She was able to talk a little bit, but I couldn't understand most of what she said. Though, she did say 'I'm horrible', pointing at herself. Poor thing... I reassured her.
24(5) Had a talk with G about all the stresses I have at the moment, mostly with my family and my own concerns about what I'm doing with my life. I'm very lucky we're friends. Then we went go garden centre.
(5) Watched 3 episodes of Dexter, I've never seen it before and it was pretty good. I'll definitely finish first season. Still, not feeling great, didn't cook proper meal so 'grazed' on random food.
25(4) Really frustrated & feeling guilty that I still can't seem to get up in the morning. Decided I need to sort this out before I turn 30. That's 2 1/2 years. I've been like this my whole life #desperate
(4) Where do I begin... Today's visit to my auntie Jenny has been very tough. Worst part of it is that her husband is clearly having problems with his schizophrenia, he poured a bottle of her seizure meds
(4) It continues... I pushed through my anxiety and made a phone call. I couldn't get through to Ray (my uncle in law), so I left him a message. Then, I pushed further and contacted the hospital to see
(4) Anyway all this is going on and I still need to pack, I'm going back up to Norwich tomorrow, until Thursday night, to sort out my grandma's estate and probably see a doctor about my own mental health.
26(5) On coach now. Took another 150mg 5-HTP, feeling ok. I just want to be successful, and to feel excited about things, too grow a passion or 2, a career. I know it won't be easy. Is that too much to ask?27(6) Spent day at Davina's, just catching up really, didn't get any important stuff done. But the catch up was important! Feeling pretty ok ? we're going to the bank tomorrow to try and sort things.
(7) In bed last night I could definitely feel effects of 5-HTP on serotonin. My thoughts were more positive&hopeful. It did still remind me slightly of E. I didn't write thoughts down as D was asleep.
(3) #justwoke really feeling bad because I've just been woken up but I've only had 6 hours sleep, I'm used to 10 or more! Plus, taking anti-histamines but still allergic 2this house b/c they have a cat
(5) Been awake a little while and D brought me a cup of tea. Feeling a bit better but head still feeling sore from lack of sleep. A little nervous about today but it feels less nervous/dread than usual.
(2) #friend
(4) Wish I had a furry friend ?
28(6) Went down to 100mg 5-HTP to see if heart palpitations reduce. Did have very weird dreams last night. Still a bit shaken from argument with friend, but coping. Just had pie and chips from the chippy ?29(4) #justwoke #tired #headache even though it's 9:30am. Might try magnesium pills but also need to monitor water intake. It's the last day I can go to the doctors here today. Need to go.
(5) Made doc appt., very lucky to get one today! Feeling capable of talking to GP. (TMI alert: been v. constipated due to my period, luckily it's almost over now. A big coffee helped a lot)
30(6) Saw Seb. I was #brave telling doc abt my ?ve feelings, he suggested therapy and 'you're still young', nothing I didn't already know, but ok. Got new contraception and allergy meds. Enjoyed coach ride.
(6) Seb liked the fact I bought him hair gel. I think this 5-HTP is working, I can definitely notice a difference, I just wish it wasn't so expensive. Melissa made me feel understood, she's going to be an
(5) I'm ok. Still feeling a bit bad about argument with friend. G said his GF was asking how much longer I'll be staying there. I felt a bit hurt (by her comment). I'm on the 6.5 hour coach to Preston.
(5) Reading Steppenwolf, I remembered my dream from last night. My grandma's house (where I used to live) was on fire, and it was so dangerous I didn't even have time to grab a bag of things to save.
(6) Met with friend, her mum & gran. 3 generations. Ate Chinese. Looked at our Ethiopia photos & their old family photos. Watched Black Mirror S3E1, really enjoyed. Allergic to their home, cats
July
MTWTFSS
     1(5) #justwoke #morning #stillresting #tired
(6) Shopping then night out with Amy
2(5) Woke up early, trying to get back to sleep. Cat kept climbing on me lol
(5) Woke up again, don't seem 2hungover thank goodness. I wasn't keen on going out, but it was a bit of a blast from the past& had a good enough time. Going for afternoon tea at 2, I've never been before
(5) Can feel aftereffects of alcohol, luckily it's minimal. Afternoon tea is v. nice, it's in a grand posh old house. Went 4a walk at the Brockles as well. Hopefully just gonna chill and watch TV after.
3(5) #sleepy but need to wait 3 hours for my coach to LDN. Said bye to Amy. Glad we'd got an early night. Had a coffee but it didn't do much. Just hanging around the bus station #yawn
(6) A good morning, went looking around B&M, found Chapstick for 5p each! Bought 7 of them, like they're going out of fashion (actually, I think they're being discontinued in UK?) Went to the museum, too.
(7) Felt surprisingly good to get back to #London it's so much #warmer down here! It felt really good to get back to this lovely flat as well, I've got it all to myself for 1.5 weeks. Feeling #special ?
4(5) Slept/snoozed for 12 hours. Feels so relaxing but naughty ? wondering if fear of doing stuff makes me snooze so much. I was dreaming about food and babies, and that I didn't want a baby.
(5) Gosh. A lot to think about regarding being a trustee of my grandma's estate. A lot of things the remind me of the past, our family dynamic, relationships...money. What would I do if I had a lot of £?
(7) “Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” August Wilson #selfwork
(7) Spent evening going through some self #development material from a course I did a few years ago, it was very uplifting. Re-tuning my life. Taking back control; responsibility. Raising my self-esteem.
5(5) Overslept again, it's like my mind says, 'nope', turns the alarm off, then it's straight back to bed where I inevitably fall asleep again within minutes. It's now 11:45am. #sleep #failure #comfortzone
(7) Thinking of investing a portion of my (little, but not insignificant) inheritance. Investing is risky, stressful & a steep learning curve, but it's also #exciting - that appeals to me. #possibilities
(7) Haven't left the house again today, but perhaps that's okay! Reading all sorts of self-help stuff, came up with a promising idea to help ease myself out of bed in the morning. #ideas #selfcompassion
(8)
6(5) Ok... So far so good, it's 9am and I'm out of bed. Being kind to myself. Will have another look at self-compassion techniques - plenty of progress to be made, but taking baby steps. Gaa gaa goo goo ?
(5) The plot continues to thicken. My mum was due for a MH review today. Turns out they have postponed it because, get this, my mum was admitted to hospital with a collapsed lung! Whatever next? #stunned
(4) Worries, worries, worries. A) Have no access to my money, but hopefully my new bank card will arrive tomorrow. I have plenty of food, so can just stay indoors if need be. B) Paranoid that I'm going to
(6) Feeling wide awake again, could be sleep pattern or maybe it's better if I take my meds before bed? Glad I left the house today, though it was too hot! I like my new nail varnish & lipgloss. #treats
7(7) Mood seems to be peaking at night again for no particular reason. If this continues I'll take my meds before bed.
(5) Just got a call from mum's social worker whilst I was snoozing, she's taken a turn for the worse. They're having to support her breathing. Hopefully she pulls through. She's so far away but I need to
8(5) Got to see mum, coach was very late. She's awake and talking. I was able to stay at my mum's flat, but I don't feel safe here as her BF has a key. I hope he doesn't come here tomorrow. It's nearly 2am
(6) Just got up, missed call from social worker. Need to call back just waiting to wake up a bit, having a coffee. Need to decide what to do today. The other day I had a dream, I think the message was
(4) My mum's had hep c for a while, now it's caused her liver to become enlarged and she has pockets of fluid in other places, they think she has cancer. Got to wait a week for confirmation of tests.
(4) Struggling to sleep. Sad and kinda lonely, would like to be held by G and have a good cry, and yet I'm feeling rather flat at the same time.
9(4) Eventually got to sleep last night, slept til 11am. The doctors asked if I'm coming in today, they want to talk to me again. Got this weird, almost shaky feeling in my arms & legs; nerves or anxiety?
(2) Mum's not got long left, a day perhaps or maybe a week? Though I doubt it. Sitting in the chapel. There's no way I'm going to London now, so I phoned auntie's ward to ask her to pass on the message.
10(2) I keep thinking, between sobs, 'I'm so lonely, I've always been lonely.' I know I'm lucky that I told mum I love her, but wish I had more time with mum. I had no idea she was so very ill.11(2) Up late, can't sleep. Phoned the ward they said mum was agitated around 9-10pm, so they gave her something to calm her. She's still got her oxygen mask on and is sleeping now.
(4) Told something else today, maybe mum has a chance & EOL care may have 'jumped the gun' a bit. Hearing this did give me some hope. Nevertheless, she's very sick indeed. I don't want her to suffer ?
(6) Catching up w/ my old #friend we were putting the world to rights. I let my mum know a few things today but didn't want to lay it on too thick. Think I found a balance. Feeling better & loving, loved.
12(4) Just woke, feeling a bit unwell with stomach pains.
(6) 2day was manageable. Once again, kept busy with visits from loved ones, J, N. Less time on my phone and less time in the hospital today. Felt I've had a bit of a break. Sad mum didn't eat much though.
13(6) Mum ate a bit of food today, and I felt fairly relaxed. Had a good chat with her bed neighbor while mum slept (turns out mum kept everyone awake wailing at night, oops). Hung out with friend, N.14(5) MorningZzz...
(5) I don't enjoy thinking abt what I'm going to do next, it all seems so overwhelming & complex. It's also a huge grey area. Feel like I need 2get a large sheet of paper and draw it all out... #decisions
(6) Interesting #counseling appt, issues of 'belonging' in childhood, & I may be clinging to mum more now because of our rocky relationship when I was a child (she couldn't care for me well). #interesting
15(6) Up quite late, it's 2am. I'm just enjoying chilling out really. Had a quiet day, didn't need to see friends. Counseling, seeing social worker & mum was plenty. Going to London tomorrow, phew. #tasks
(6) Slept til midday ? I was just in time 2 get #coach 2 London. Been lucky recently, in many small, but not insignificant ways. Finished #reading Steppenwolf. Looking forward to a hot shower. #lust
16(4) 11am #justwoke #headache G is coming back from holiday tonight. I need a shower. Will I become a carer for mum or not? We could get a flat together, but is it a good idea? She might get on my nerves.
17(5) Haven't done much all day, spent hours online looking @dog breeds! Thank you to Love 1, reminding me that 'Nothing worth doing is ever easy'. Tho right now I'm feeling #unfocused #indecisive #useless18(5) Zzz... Zzz .
(6) Back in Mum's flat (long coach journey) she was very agitated today, screaming out in hospital. Luckily her friend hasn't been here. My phone is playing up, the battery isn't charging - frustrating.
19(6) Feeling pretty good. Pushed through the fear and got things done today. Riding on the small good feelings from accomplishing a task, to help me do the next one. Building momentum. Feeling grateful.20(5) Up early waiting for man to come and put the gas on.21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons
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