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January
MTWTFSS
      1(5) Happy New Day! Let me attend to the moment, and not worry needlessly about the year ahead. Changing moniker from Peace to Forgiveness. Peace was a caterpillar. 4giveness is a chrysalis.
(5) Day 1 of extended fast in defense of marriage. 'For we wrestle not against flesh & blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world. ' #religiousNUT
2(3) My behavior with daughter was reprehensible. She was fussy as usual. Sleeps fitfully, moves alot, whines.I was very agitated, irritable, angry. Yelled, cursed, spanked. She's 3. Not cool, dad.#remorse
(6) At indoor playground. Kids are happy and having fun. Good feeling.
3(7) Forgiveness is my function on this path to peace. It is a letting go of resentments, grievances, fears, illusions, ego. Not easy. Not yet living up to namesake, but striving.
(9) Very happy. Love in my heart. Taking kids to movies.
4(10) Gave a musical performance. lots of kudos from audience.
(10) Mindfulness work at police department. Facilitating a 6 week course. Great day.
5(7) A good day overall. Steady. Calm.6(7) At work. Preparing 3d architectural models for print. May teach a class if prints are successful.
(8) Mind & spirit strong! At peace.
7(8) Like the fabled musk deer, I wandered the world searching for the source of the perfume emanating from me. Stop searching. Find and take refuge in this moment. Abide in stillness, in peace, in love!
(8) Ants. Welcome guests. Or am i the trespasser? I left two Cheerios and a cheese-it for the colony. How long will they take to disappear? Science experiment.
8(8) Day 8 of a 14 day fast. Mind is strong. Feelin like a boss- a boss over mind, thoughts, emotions. Spirit is luminous!
(8) Painted a Pokemon for my kids. A neighbor stopped by. Celebrating connection and the gift of trust as he shared his personal troubles with me. We're all in this together, folks!
9(8) 7.5. Rounding up. Day 9 & feelin' fine. Strong, healthy, happy, positive, enthused, grateful for another day. Resilient. A day dedicated to mindful practice.
(6) Energy flagging somewhat, but spirit remains nonplussed. The vicissitudes of life do not disturb my peace. God is my refuge and strength. My soul rests in that stillness. At peace, calm, centered.
10(9) Yippee feeling!
(5) Flatlined. The descent is attributable to my thoughts, how I'm interpreting the situation, my resistance to what is, my fervent desire for a different outcome. I could let go. I could accept. Hmmm.
11(7) Spirit strong. Key players in community are organizing to transform our city. Excited to be part of it.
(9) Fast. Day 11. Energy waning. Weak physically, but spirit is very strong. 'Man shall not live by bread alone...' Soul is on fire! #hallelujah
12(7) Court, but ok with that. Conflict. The game of Maya. Clear eyed, tho. Soul @ peace. Mind still. There is power in that! Ahhh, how this stuff works for me even in battle. #theHappyWarrior
(6) Good... tired tho. Looking forward to a good night's sleep.
(5) Bummed. Sigh. Letting go of maudlin storyline and just staying with what I'm feeling in the body, the energy of it. No value in sentimental self-pity. Strength in letting go.
13(6) Day 13. Transitioning to liquid fast.14(4) Day 14. Fast ends. Irritable most of day. Could be coffee + constant demands of parenting young children alone. Many bright points throughout day. Just agitated atm.15(6) Not the best nights sleep, but the rest did me good. Going to see a friend I haven't seen in 6 months.
(6) Vulnerable, honest conversations.
16(8) Slept in. Music: piano, keyboard, flute, drums, congas. Hour long meditations throughout day. Run. Calisthenics. Chores: cooking, laundry, ironing, prepping for week. A very good day.
(6) I came across this: 'You hate your life while some people dream of having your life.' There was an image of a child's small, emaciated hand in the palm of a Westerner's hand.
17(5) Mood subdued. Thoughts are lewd. Crude. Images of women in the nude. And my rhymes suck.
(6) Teaching basic electronics. It's watt I do. Trying to stay grounded. Ohmmm.
(5) Challenging day, but I can identify the reasons why and correct my course. Reflection and meditation to end the day. Resetting resolve for tomorrow.
18(7) Small adjustments, simple habits: a good night's sleep, exercise, a healthy diet, meditation... feeling positive.
(4) Kinda sad atm, but calm & accepting. It's bluish & freckle-faced, wearing plaid shorts + red suspenders. Kinda cute, this sadness. It just needs a hug... and a baked muffin. Innocent little guy.
19(6) 330 wake up. Could be residual effect of last night's visit from Sad. Led class @ gym this a.m. Was out 2 weeks whilst fasting (Havent used whilst in a whilest). Exercise: my feel good drug of choice.
(6) Rollerskating with kids, cuz that's just how I roll.
(4) Crankypants. Turd-like thoughts. Irritable! 6 hours sleep. I had it coming. I'm a delicate flower. Need 8 solid to blossom. #baby-man
20(7) Music. Reharmonizing chords.21(7) Slept in. Ahhh, I so needed that. Looking forward to a day of music, meditation, reading, exercise, and art.
(7) A good day. Received invitation to share mindfulness techniques to mental health professionals. Only a day to prep, but grateful for opportunity.
22(8) A good night's sleep inoculates me from irritation. An hour long meditation stabilizes mind. Fellowship 2 uplift my soul. Music 2 gladden my heart. Exercise 2 maintain excellent health. Simple habits.
(8) The butterfly has hatched. Last name change. Peace, the caterpillar, 4Give the chrysalis, Love, the true nature.
(8) A beautiful day. Peace, music, exercise, friendship. Enjoying the gift that was this day. 7.5 rounding up.
23(6) Mind was active during sleep cycle. Result: somewhat cloudy in waking state. Rest is best remedy. If I can sneak in a 20m meditation midday & disengage + get good night's sleep, will be @ my best.
(8) Presentation went well. Met my need for contribution.
(5) 4 hours resisting what is, sipping self-pity, the 100 proof stuff. intoxicating. hung over with my own self importance. but I can see through my own bull$h!t. it's transparent- more like jellyfishshit
(7) 20m meditation. back to strength. centered. smiling, victory. 'God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.' amen.
24(5) bleh, meh, blah... but I know how I got here and know the way up.
(3) down sliding. but the day is over. home now. I'll attend to this muddled mind I myself muddied. easyish fix.
(6) the remedy was a technique of recognizing whatever is alive breath by breath, whether a sensation or emotion. I touch with awareness. breathing out, I smile to it. its a mind hack. effective.
25(7) found this-try saying God bless her (or him) of anyone who is in disharmony with you... Leave to God the necessary correcting or disciplining...Desire only blessing for them. Leave God's work to God.
(6) received email that could've easily been misconstrued. felt unpleasant emotions spun from negative interpretations. spoke w/colleague directly. relieved & glad. imagination can be wild.
(7) for me, moments to withdraw & rest are necessary throughout day. many uncertainties, setbacks, disappointments. letting go, reorienting, renewing strength & clarity are vital.
26(5) flat. feels like I'm approaching that which I would- but won't- turn away from. Fear, emptiness, meaninglessness. it is a critical stage on the spiritual path- the dark night of the soul...
(4) anger... of the self righteous sort, but there's not much left of me to pin it on. so, it won't stick. it almost feels like an act, scripted.Conditioned, predictable responses. got my lines memorized
(4) i let her have it. Rat tat tat tat. that was the sound of my word bullets penetrating her self esteem.war games of a jaded lover. Lobbing spite grenades. Fire in the hole!
27(5) a decent nights sleep. 20m meditation. be before do. what i do is an expression & extension of the I am. my connection to that affects what I do. somewhat disconnected atm.
(6) a friend gave me a series of exercises to do called the 5 Tibetans. got heart rate up. feeling better.
(6) Detached. Happyish.
(7) with children. pleasant afternoon. I'm playing & listening to music. 1st grader is building virtual worlds in Minecraft, oldest programming with Carnegie Mellon's Alice, youngest is all over the place
28(4) 245 wake up. concerned about months ahead. many uncertainties. reeling mind back to present. back to sleep.
(7) slept in til 845. Mmmmm. delicious.
(7) midday nap and meditation. ahhh!
29(4) little self is coming undone. Deliberately not intervening to allow this process to unfold. The uncertainty is disconcerting, but that's part of the adventure.
(6) music 2 soothe my troubled soul. 4 me, the arts R more than an entertaining diversion. Art, in all its forms is communion, soul-expression, connection w/ life's essence, a healing balm.
(8) by not clinging to emotions, they just flow. Xercise, music, a few phone calls + painting elevated mood. Estranged wife prepared favorite meal. takes 1-2 days to prep. An 8 minus 2 for confusion.
(8) reflecting. best part of weekend with children was bedtime story. I'm reading: Footprints in the Snow: the Autobiography of a Chinese Buddhist Monk. Surprised they're enjoying it.
30(8) relaxed. rested. centered. excellent way to start the day.
(8) excited about work we're doing in city. organizing key players. serving others with no thought of self, brings true joy, true strength. need to contain excitement or won't sleep well. conserve energy
31(7) Content. Within each of us is a basic goodness. resting in that.
(7) Doors opening. Trusting the Mystery and in this unfolding. Is this what I was afraid of? Letting go, losing self, surrendering will to the Great Unknown. Faith in the Unseen.
February
MTWTFSS
  1(8) ' We are put on earth for a little space that we might learn to bear the beams of love.' -Wm Blake.The poet could have also said '... that we might learn to be love.'
(8) purposeful steps. serving others, the sure path to peace, joy, love.
2(5) mildly irritated. lack of sleep the cause.3(6) friend loaned me a book: tattoos on the heart by Jesuit priest Gregory Boyle. he gathered homeboy industries-holistic gang rehab program. read in 2 days. riveting. #inspired
(7) bed. reading. relaxed. appreciating the rest.
4(7) 10+ hours sleep. so needed rest. sore throat. body fighting off invasion. immune system deploying natural killer cells, the best of the best, to defend the fatherland. Too dramatic?
(6) Morning with friends, afternoon @ gym, evening making music & reading. found photos of my dad + a recording of his sermon. Died 10 years ago. Was fortunate to have had a dad like him. #blessed.
5(5) headache. back to sleep.
(5) what if we were as passionate about the well being of our neighbors and the welfare of those in our communities as we were about sporting events? #SuperBowlSunday
(6) sore. workout am + pm. meditation helped restore equilibrium. hoping for a good night's rest.
6(7) ill, but came in to work anyway. spectacular win last night.
(7) Succint: https://www.lionsroar.com/put-your-meditation-into-action/
(8) sharing hope, love & opportunities. Receiving in equal measure that which I've given.
7(7) Nice & sick. Upside: i called in sick, get to stay in bed, read, paint, meditate, nap. Making the most of the day. Back to bed. #glorious
(8) UnderstAnd that u R not your thoughts, the strong sensations they provoke, nor the habituated reactions they trigger. instead of focusing on the distressing thoughts, reject/dismiss them. #disengage.
(6) college sweetheart called. Bittersweet. Thinking about the people whove come in & out of my life, I'm wanting to be a blessing, be more purposeful in my interactions... work to do.
8(6) still sick, but not complaining. Staying home and sleeping in.
(5) mild irritation, but not stuck in it. still sick, but school closed tomorrow. Blizzard.
9(6) Rested & calm. slept 12 hours. meditated 2 hours. letting thoughts fall away into oblivion.
(2) Anger, resentment, bitterness & contempt overshadow whatever compassion I've generated for her. Ive tried, pero la odio. ¬°Ya no la aguanto! That's the ego seething.
10(8) Boing! That's the sound of resilience springing me back to equanimity. Letting go of my meaningless thoughts and sitting in the void with an empty mind.
(5) goofy thoughts, but I dress them in suits and give them impressive titles and take their foolish babblings seriously.
11(6) 'And thine ears shall hear a word behind thee saying: 'This is the way; walk ye in it.''12(2) 1:00 am. Daughters sick. been up just about every hour. last 2 nights poor sleep.
(7) Nice comeback and recovery: church, gym & solitude.
13(5) slept well, so that's a plus. but woke up with just 30m to prepare 4 work. prefer the slower, leisurely mornings, the hr long meditation, the exercise. May be able to sneak in a bit of both during day
(3) Sad. Valentine's Day is a painful reminder of loss. It's a poke at the open wound that hasn't healed. Her promises are a bouquet of dead roses. Her love is a stem of thorns... but I'll be alright.
(6) Mind has spring. Little things restore me to balance- a colorful sunset, a bowl of delicious, homemade soup, a call from my cousin, a respectful bow to the sadness that touched my heart. #resilience
14(8) spent day at home attending to daughter who was ill, but well enough to play hide n seek, paint, play with her stuffed animals, and boss me around. Midday nap was perfect!
(9) call from father's best friend. Has connections. may be able to secure me a fellowship + full scholarship to obtain PhD. Intuited this when I cited Scripture: 'This is the way; walk ye in it.' #trust
15(8) a colony of gulls descend on scraps I scattered on snow covered ground. admiring beauty of white gulls on white snow & appreciating songs I associate w/ sun, sand & surf just outside my window.
(6) ill. blah. it's been 2 weeks. but mind calm. 1 hr of silence, stillness, meditation. relaxing. bed early.
16No Reasons17(8) Calm mind, well rested. 30 min meditation. Looking forward to this day.
(3) A good day overall. Darkness descended a few hours ago. Clouds of worry over finances.
18(5) Restless nights sleep. Discouraged but determined to soldier on. Setback, but the comeback will be sweeter. Most important thing is to remain equanimous, to trust, to hope, to attend to NOW.
(8)
19(4) with cousins, but their way of iiving-alcohol, drugs, partying - is not my style. will return home tomorrow morning.
(6) Returning home. Day 2 of 4 day fast.
(4) Mood slightly discolored, but can identify causes. To interpret state with thought from this energy would intensify it. Another option: disengage & just be with the funk, letting it dissolve naturally
20(7) A good night's rest fixed that. now to use this day to profit my soul, to train my mind, to fulfill this heart.
(8) Fasting to strengthen my soul force, meditation to train my mind, art and music to fulfill my heart. A good day.
21(3) 242am. crappy sleep. irritated.
(6) Decent day despite poor sleep. Likely cause for restless nights sleep: overthinking upcoming meeting with divorce attorneys. Understandable. Managing day so far with composure.
(5) Lobby of attorney's office. Waiting for estranged wife & her att. Mtg. Hands cold. Stress marker. Big Self says, 'It is well, little self. Trust. Remain grounded in NOW. Take in new exp w openness.'ok
(5) A good 5.Day had its stresses& disappointments, but I'm also grateful for the challenges & setbacks. I need them to train my spirit, to develop my equanimity, to practice patience. Love games.
22(7) Good nights sleep. Reboot. Meditation 2 defrag the past & begin new day with present moment awareness. Grateful 2 have been taught skills that keep me level. The teachings r called jewels for a reason
(4) Definitely need to let go of these thoughts of betrayal, resentment, et al. if I want peace. Question: do I truly want peace or do I want to hold on to my grievances? Even if I was wronged, so what?
(6) Gym. strength hasn't waned, but something is off. still fighting off something. still, felt good to workout
(7) single pointed concentration for a few breaths, then mind wanders; I let go & reorient. Repeat. This is meditation. Then artwork. Another painting for my children. Now bed.
23(6) mom was hemorrhaging when I was still in the womb. Doctors gave her drugs to have me aborted to save her life. I fought for admission into this world. I can feel that fighting spirit stirring #ARISE!
(5) End of Round 1. Lost points on that one. Gonna be a long day, but the pugilist in me never quits! I can depend on him. Grade A bad @ss! 'Gird up thy loins.' Going Biblical with this isht. Bring it!
(5) Had to walk it off. Did me some good. I can hold this 5. Cardinals and jays greeted me. The centaur picks up his bow. Ready for Round 2. #Sagittarian
(3) Tough day- actually the day had nothing to do with it. Weather was pleasant, birds were chirping, children were cheerful. I directed my mind here.
24(6) Lots of turbulence. The storm was not of my doing, but I piloted myself into the clouds. I could have just as easily chartered a course around or above the maelstrom. Changing heading.
(7) Family fair with kids.
25(6) 320am. Stress shakes me awake. 'Hey, I have a few things I need you to worry with me about.' So, I sit up & meditate. The worry thoughts flow through the ever changing present we call NOW. Transient.
(6) Took kids to art lab this morning. Lunch. Off to roller skating rink. Might've been an 8 if I weren't so tired. An ok 6.
26(6) A good night's sleep. i think it's the most rest I've gotten all week. The magnesium supplements helped. Fatigue takes a toll on me, so feeling grateful for the rest.
(6) 'She insulted me. She hurt me. She betrayed me.' To think such thoughts is to bind myself to misery. To forgive, accept & let go is to heal. Even if I'm not wholly committed, this is the path to peace
(8) Time with my children. 5 hours on piano. Light exercise. Meditation. Chores done. Good book. Good day.
27(7) Poor nights sleep. probably too much caffeine late in day. Annual physical. All is well. Video project. For me, its more satisfying creating than consuming content.
(6) Ahhh, the pathos of being human. Homo afflictio would be more fitting. And yet, these unnecessary entanglements are necessary for the untangling of our illusions. We suffer bc we must. #chillin'
28(4) 245 wake up. Ugh! Doc ordered a sleep study in April. In the meantime...
(4) Flat. Disappointed. Energy's stagnant. It'll pass.
(5) A large flock of birds dancing above the city, playful bites from an 8 month old puppy, my 3 children in bathtub, cawing crows. Little remembrances of goodness that is all around.
March
MTWTFSS
  1(6) A good night's sleep. 20m meditation. Mind was active, but I'm rested.
(8) Me and my music. True love. If music were a woman, I would never feel good enough for her love. I am married to my art. Going to buy some sexy lingerie for my piano.
2(6) 245 wake up, but ok. Slept soundly for 6.5 hours. 8h is optimum, but will carve out time to rest today. Off to gym, then presentation to grant committee. Day begins earlier than usual & here we go...
(6) Tired, but in good spirits. 20 m midday meditation @ work.
(5) A long day. Somewhat satisfying, but too tired and frazzled to appreciate fully. Grateful to rest.
3(8) 9 hours sleep. Mmmm. Delicious. It doesn't take as much effort to be calm or to remain equanimous in the face of adversity when I'm rested. 20m meditation to get centered. Let's go.
(9) Nice connection with colleague. Wonderful day overall. Many opportunities to practice mindfulness with others.
4(8) 8 hours sleep. Playing with biofeedback tools: Spire, Inner Balance, Muse, Neurozapper. #MeditatioNERD. Spending morning w/friends. Gym, music later. Looking 2 enjoy the day.
(6) Morning with friends. 2 hours @ gym. Music next, then meditation and rest.
(9) Music & friendship.
5(5) she sends me a conciliatory note. her nice words have little integrity & lack sincerity. she says she means me no harm, but maintains a hostile legal posture. she wants to feel better w/o the effort.
(6) Gym.
(7) Fear sits with dullness, predictability & boredom. We sacrifice joy for safety. Do we have the courage to draw out the beauty within? The spirit hopes we answer the invitation to live a fuller life.
6(8) Excellent nights sleep (9.5h). Was it exercise, sauna, meditation prior to bed, lack of stress, limited H2O intake, room temperature? Woke @ 3. Self-hypnosis track put me right back to sleep.
(8) Hospital for bloodwork. Routine physical. Good health is a blessing & a treasure. I invest in & protect what I value. After this... breakfast @ fast food restaurant: bagel with bamboo spread. yum
(6) Woof woof. Neighbor's dog is out. Woof woof (repeat every .5 seconds). I accept & allow that in to the meditation that begins in 5 (woof) 4 (woof) 3 (woof) 2 (woof) 1 (woof). Ommm.
(5) ¬°Maldita mujer!
(7) Music. Elevates my mood every time.
(8) A thought emerges from the darkness: 'You're worthless! The world would be a happier place without you. Get back in your hole!' Don't say, 'ok, you're right.' Kick it in the nuts! Send it back 2d void
7(7) A good nights sleep. Vivid dreams. Meditation, tCDS, a healthy breakfast, light exercise, protein shake... AND a clean pair of underwear.
(7) student gets virus alert. let's have some fun, I say. we call help line. Sounded very legit. I play along. Students started giggling. He hung up before I could give him my credit card info.
(7) one on one with my little man. he's chatty. I like that. dinner together. then drive home. jumped on piano for an hour.
8(8) A good night's rest usually translates to a good day.
(7)
(8) a full belly, a tranquil mind, a warm bed... and kiwi fruit. Will meditate the mind to sleep.
9(9) Student lost lens cap for pro cam. 3D printed custom lens cap with tiger embossed on it. Looks good. Creativity inspires fun.
(8) This peace comes not by chance, but by persistent effort. This joy was cultivated in soils of suffering, watered w/ tears. The mind must be turned, tilled & weeded daily! Work the plot you were given.
(6) A little too dramatic for me, but she's a neurologist and knows her stuff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slKAFdJ8ZHY
(5) Day ends. Flat. Tired is all.
10(8) Snow. School canceled. Piano for a few hours. Joking with friends.
(9) 2h meditation. 10m pranayama, 10m tonglen, 10m TM, 30m counting, 30m Vipassana, 30m labeling.
(8) 4-5h on piano. Another 2h meditation: 30m CMR (Conscious Mental Rest), 30m focused attention, 30m dzongchen, 30m for metta but fell asleep.Going to bed.
11(8) Today will be a good day. C-Dog is back on MP. Will prep a good breakfast while listening to a book on death (a morbidly fascinating topic I cant get enough of) music, then gym.
(9) Arranging music on piano. Sitting at keyboard last 4hrs. Better leave now or I'll never get to gym. Music is so seductive.
(8) Post workout high. Weights, swim, sauna/steam.
(7) Coming off a post-musical high of 9. Then She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named texted me for money. Setting phone to airplane mode. lol. Night pandas.
12(6) Went to bed late. Indulging in music. A new phrase comes, a new melody line. Sleepy. But it's Sunday. No plans. A long meditation or nap will correct. For now, back to the piano.
(7) 3h meditation. Off-line for most of it. Refreshed tho. Gym & music pm. #self-care
(6) My mind is a laboratory. I replicate experiments. If I come across research on some habit, supplement, diet, technique, or other exercise that improves well being, I'll try. #guineapig
(2) My son, 6, pulls out a wallet. it was made out of a juice carton. did you make that? I asked. No, moms friend, he made it for me.
13(4) With children. Finding it more stressful than satisfying. It takes a village to raise a child, not a single parent. Fuming. When we got to that part of the marriage vows that says...
(6) Thrift store. Funeral this evening. Son didn't notice dress shoes i got him were in lady's section. Hehe. Got a black dress for my girl. Total: $7.
(6) Rest balanced mood. Went to see friend & mentor. Deep, meaningful conversations with children.
(6) Reading the Peace Pilgrims memoir to my children. The Peace Pilgrim was a remarkable woman with a powerful story. Look her up. She's an inspiration and heroine of mine.
14(5) Aunt transitioned. She was liberated from dementia. May she be at peace! Death came for a friend last night as well, escorting him home. Looking forward to our reunion when my blessed day comes.
(7) At peace, calm. Children are engaged & happy. so it is well.
(6) Good, but what happened to R.H? Hope shes ok.
15(6) Excited about employment prospect a colleague shared with me. Mind difficult to rein during meditation. Excitement energy & stress energy not dissimilar. Dialing down with energy of equanimity.
(3) Highly irritated! Strong aversion & resistance to present circumstances. I do not like this! 3 days with children. They're too dependent. Took hot shower to relax a bit. Interruptions every few min.
(5) rest helped. grateful for that. still missing a fundamental point necessary for my growth. Can't teach myself what I don't know. important that I be receptive to instruction. Holy Spirit, be my guide.
(5) To clarify, it's single parenting I resent, NOT my children! My kids are precious & I treasure them. They're a blessing. But I feel families are under attack...
16(7) '...and he heard my cry.' (Psalm 40:1) Grateful. Received the insight I sought. Going to sit in the sanctuary of stillness & praise the Lord. Plus, woke up late & missed my flight. lol. oh well.
(8) A good night's sleep, a two hour meditation, a nap, music, gym. Peppering the day with that which nurtures the body, mind & soul.
17(6) California. Family. Off-line for awhile.18No Reasons19No Reasons
20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2(8) Return unto thy rest, O my soul. The eternal God is a dwelling place. Take refuge in peace, o my soul, not in the instability of moods, not even the fickleness of happiness.
(9) Soon2bXwife opens cage door. This little hummingbird flits out windw to the garden just beyond. Beautifl flowers with open petals attract me w/ their fragrance inviting this beak 2 drink their nectar.
(6) She keeps saying yes to my invitations. Proceeding with care. I love easily. Inner wolf tethered 2 iron discipline. Gave 2 seminars today. Gym. Not necessarily good news from accountant. We'll see.
3(7) There is a temple inside where I go to meditate & pray w/o words. In the innermost sanctuary, it is quiet and still. As I approach the altar, peace envelopes me. 'He reneweth my strength.'
(6) Was about to post something cruel, but clever. A gentle voice said, Dont. Glad I listened. No reason to put cynicism out there. Grateful for the intervention of kindness. Returning to peace.
4(7) Mind is like a snow globe. When I do nothing, all the noise settles2 the bottom. Mind becomes clear. When I'm shaken vigorously, the mind is a blizzard of erratic thoughts, a flurry of emotion.
(7) When the din of negative thinking gets too loud, I shake my butt. This is hard, BUT it's here to teach me something. I'm upset, BUT there's another way to approach this. #TwerkIt
5(6) First night of sub-optimal sleep in a while. Something so seemingly inconsequential has a disproportionately negative effect on my affect...and word choice. lol. Obtuse.
(7) positive mood throughout day. some bumps, but almost feeling impervious to vicissitude. Upset lasts seconds, not hours. Hoping not to jinx this. returning to my true home within before sleep.
6(6) I was a soldier, but find this hawkish brand of nationalism disturbing. Fear & violence do not keep us safe. Love keeps us safe: treating others w/respect, compassion, good will, et al. #PeaceWarrior
(6) Mood ok, despite feeling sicker as the day progresses.
(7) Moments of silence. Sinking below the cacophony and chaos of mind if only for an instant.
(5) Very sick, panda! The Chinese call me Fei Han Tang btw. Black patches under eyes darker than usual. Fur is on fire! Bucket nearby in case regurgitate bamboo i must. Mood blah is! Spirit Yoda-like tho.
7(6) Home sick. Watching Trolls and Moana with my daughter, bawling my eyes out. Don't judge me.8(4) Still ill. Pounding headache. Pressure. Wracking cough. Dampening mood. Thoughts discolored. Interesting to me how strong the link is between body & mind. Harder to remain equanimous. letting be.
(5) Gave a stranger a lift. He thanked me, but he was doing me as much of a favor. Helping others brings me happiness. He gave me the gift of joy. + I like meeting ppl Still sick, so that was highlight
9(6) Feeling a bit better. Grateful 4 that. Appreciating the empathy + insight gained as well. Many suffer chronic pain. Hard 2 remain cheerful when illness is unremitting. May they be comforted.
(7) Took kids to children's fair a.m. Then facilitated 2 mindfulness courses p.m. Rewarding day.
(3) 2 rant about her irrational & destructive choices gives no relief. I don't think she is emotionally stable. She has my compassion. But I'm firm- as a parent would be w/a child struggling w/addiction.
10(7) Sunshine, a dash of dark humor, and cookies-or as my daughter would say, TooTees!11(3) Temporary. Will carry this 3 to Silence. Thoughts have no root there. They dissolve back into nothingness. Mood lifts as I remove my shoes before entering the Temple of Silence within.12(5) She texts. I interpret, judge, evaluate. Which is the cause for my distress, the content of text or the content of my thoughts? Assuming radical responsibility for mind, thoughts, mood is empowering.
(6) Crazyish day with crayfish...? Seriously autocorrect? Crayfish? OK, so I had a crazy day with a crayfish. He was like, What if I pinched you with my pincers down there.
13(6) Going to meditrain for 20-30m. Mind is floating, not anchored.
(5) Flat. Energy low. 5 hours sleep. Funny how that adversely affects mood.
(2) Miserable atm. A good night's rest will help.
14(5) Slept well. Meditation helped. Still troubled. Many uncertainties in months ahead. Doesn't help to impose an imagined future on the present though.
(6) H.I.I.T. plus piano. Sang melancholy to peace. Hello darkness, my old friend...
15(6) 9 hrs sleep. Restored. Resentment & fear thoughts have disturbed my peace of mind. Dislodging them as they arise, reorienting my attention & keeping mind trained on faith, hope, love- this is the way.
(7) NYC with childhood friends.
16(6) Enjoyed Brian Weiss interview on past life regression. This body is like the shell of a hermit crab. The soul occupies it temporarily until it outgrows it for another.
17(5) Journeyed 2 a city of 9 million to visit 10 among them whom I loved. I could love the other 8,999,990 so-called strangers just as well if our paths crossed. I feel a connection with everyone I meet...
(7) I cannot control the suffering that comes to me by way of accident, natural disaster or misfortune, but , 2some extent, I can mitigate the suffering caused by neg conditioning & tendencies of mind
(7) The foods and drinks we ingest can be a medicine or a poison. Taking care to ingest that which nourishes and strengthens the body.
(7) Came across research on 4 independent brain circuits that influence our well-being. 1.our ability to maintain positive states. This can probably be encouraged with pos thinking, pos affirmations.
18(6) Theres a profound complementarity of spirit that binds & defines us. I like the concept of Ubuntu: a person is a person through other persons. Reminds us to share & help & be kind to others 4 own sake
(8) Sharing research and practical pos psych & meditation techniques with adolescents. Very rewarding.
(5) Tired.
19(5) Monitoring mind every few minutes. Reeling attention back to present, experiencing fully, objectively and non-judgmentally whatever arises. Some turbulence atm.
(3) Annoyed & irritated with her. I must accept this agitation for choosing to attack + blame. For MY sake & peace of mind, I can choose a response aligned with my highest ideals- compassion+forgiveness.
(5) A strong 5. Overcoming suffering of my own making. Recovering from a self-inflicted wound. Maybe I won't stab myself with worry or pierce my heart with anger next time. #learning
20(6) The resilience is there. Celebrating that. Exercise, a good night's rest, friends, meditation, mindfulness practice, service, right diet all help keep mind & body in balance.
(8) Came across study conducted by Joseph Forgas on benefits of sadness (which touches us all). People in a sad mood had better judgment and memory, were more sensitive to social norms and more generous..
(5) My inner-Hitler wants to punch my inner-Gandhi in the face!
21(3) Missed opportunity for dialogue. Wasn't resourced enough to come from energy of empathy. Disappointed, but grateful for insight to see clearly where I need practice.
(6) Daughter singing. Boys gaming. Dad drumming. Sounds of joy.
22(7) Feelings of separation vanish when I recognize my kinship with the other 7 billion human beings doing the best we can, struggling, suffering, trying to make sense of this mystery we call life.
(8) Library with kids. Then got to play with Ableton Live's d.a.w. & Launched MIDI controller. inspires new musical possibilities
(9) Music. In my zone. Explorations in fusion: edm, dub step, indigenous music.
23(6) Recasting this impending divorce, which I so vehemently opposed, brings a measure of peace. Accepting what I cannot change & forgiving her to the degree I can also helps close the heart-wound.
(8) Facilitating mindfulness class. Very rewarding as I'm getting in return what I give.
(9) Music & MIDI. No limitations on creativity or imagination. God I love music & technology!
24(6) 5.5. Rounding up. Went to bed late. 1 man party with MIDI. Didn't get to bed til 9PM. lol. These late nights have got to end. Allergies+unresolved conflict, but mood positive.
(7) Facing challenges with a calm mind & open heart- just as I aspired to do when I declared my intentions this morning. Often, I am not this centered when difficulty strikes, so celebrating equanimity!
25(8) I did not create myself. Had no hand in designing my body, bones, brain. But, I can sculpt my thoughts & command this body i did not create to do... what shall I create with this mystery of mind?
(8) Positive. Extending that love to others which fuels more of it.
(5) Tired. Triggered, but I can accept that. I am not alone. We are all triggered at times. This simple acknowledgment suffices & brings comfort. Grateful for my challenges & triggers, they help me grow.
26(6) Allergies, but that's a small price to pay for springtime, flowering trees and plants in bloom.
(7) We survived another day. Some of us struggled, some thrived. Those who wept today may laugh tomorrow. Annicca. As for me, rejoicing in my tribulations & @ peace. Alas, this 2 is impermanent. Annicca
27(8) 3am Dalai Lama wake up. Lojong meditation on suffering + meditation on death. Beginning day with end in mind (Covey). Switching to Dont-Know-Mind. Thought blankets reality. WTF do I know? Infant-Mind.
(8) 15m meditation before my next class.
(3) 2 blame her for my dismay wouldn't be fair 2 me; 2 blame myself wouldn't be fair either. radical responsibility+self compassion+a good night's rest will restore my strength. For now, a respectable 3.
28(5) Wet dreaming like a pubescent teen. Living the monk's life. Mind meandering during morning meditation. Not adequately resourced, but will try to keep mood from listing. Now to greet and bless the day.
(6) Facilitated meditation at assisted living facility. Relaxed atm & at peace. Contributing to the well being of others satisfies the soul which seeks unity and oneness.
29(8) Calm and at peace. Thank you, Merciful Hypnos, son of Nyx, god of sleep. I will sacrifice 5 plump pillows and 3 innerspring mattresses at Thy sacred shrine to honor Thee.
(5) Mind offline and in repose during meditation. A flat 5 after reboot. Unusual. I sense a disturbance in the Force. Where's my light saber?
30(8) Another blessed night's sleep. Today I will offer frankincense & a jar of pickles to Hypnos, son of Nyx, god of sleep. He is very particular about his offerings & sscrifices btw. In springtime...
(8) I was driving behind a couple in a coupe. Emergency lights flickering. Both had 1 arm out of driver & passenger windows, each holding a section of fence. Imagining the conversation that lead up 2 this
(9) It's noon & I'm still in bed! This is pand-tastic! Woke up. Breakfast. Read in bed. Meditated in bed. Took a nap (in bed). Posted from bed. Going to lead meditation, then gym, then back 2 bed!
(7) Napoleon Hill quips if you talk to a man about himself he'll listen for hours. Did just that. A street artist talked 2 me about an upcoming project in NYC, another man shared his enthusiasm on bridges
May
MTWTFSS
1(6) Poor sleep. Anticipated meeting w/ divorce attorney this pm kept mindworks cranking midnight-2am. Mood steady, but the Grumps is sitting in the lobby waiting for exhaustion to buzz him in.
(7) Recent study (Zimmerman) found that people who used 1st person pronouns- I,me- were more likely to be depressed than people so use the plural- we & us. In another study (Scherwitz)...
2(4) 1245 wake up. It's 3am. Stress & bad choices, BUT (I like big BUTs & I cannot lie)...but I forgive myself & see the path out of this 4. It may take a few days. Course correction.
(6) That 4 didn't last long. Humor, Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance, and Compassion came to sit with remorse and shame. Sipping yerba mate tea. Let's take good care of ourselves, they all agree.
(4) A 4 for weariness. Nothing a nap or good night's sleep cant correct.
3(5) A good day, but exhausted. Eye twitching. Early to bed.4(7) May the Fourth be with all pandas! Master Yoda says: 'A Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flo
(8) The poet Rumi writes: Love wants us clean of resentment and those impulses which misguide our souls.
5(8) Accepting, allowing, trusting. Comforted during this tumultuous period of uncertainty. Mind remains calm & at peace- despite setbacks. Celebrating goodness. May all be well despite their troubles.
(8) Music and poetry. 'What a tedious journey is our exile here,' writes St. Teresa of Avila. 'Dreary is the sojourn, hard indeed to bear...Dark is this existence; bitter is its thrall...my yearning
6(8) Going to meet friends shortly to practice compassionate communication. It's like AA for people recovering from suffering.7(8) Sun rises. My beautiful children sleep. Mother & sister will be coming to live with me. Will purchase a home. Pleased they've finally aquiesced. I'm old school traditionalist. All about the clan!
(8) Shared mindfulness techniques for managing difficult emotions. Wanting to develop a course around this. A one hour presentation is not enough. Needs to be didactic & experiential. 8 week course maybe?
(7) Supermarket. Patriotic home decor for sale. I just had to check. Yup. Made in China. lol. Woman with tattoo just above clevage. Thanks for putting that there, Miss. #randomness
8(7) Sleep study this evening. Although I think I've figured it out. It's still worth checking.
(5) Day was blessed. full of positives. a lot going on. excited, but expenditure too high. now feeling numb, tired.
(7) Cultivating love and joy and friendships. I'm grateful and blessed and grateful and redundant.
9(9) Purchased Arduino & sensors. Taking program to next level. May purchase CNC router & laser cutter for own projects if org does not. My creativity says so. Confident I can recover investment.10(8) Good morning, awesomeness. Yeah, I'm talking 2 u. U have the most sophisticated visual system called eyes, the most powerful supercomputer called a brain, the most complex mechanical sys called a body
(7) I edited my Soon 2BX Wife's contact id. Now what appears is a reminder: B Kind. Forgive. That's her caller id.
11(7) Setting intentions for day- presence, stillness, love. Treat every encounter w/others as a precious opportunity. Give the gift of your full attention, suspend judgment, forgive. Tall order. Ganbaro!
(6) Anthony Ray Hinton spent 30yrs on death row for a crime he didnt commit. Asked if he was angry, he replied. 'If I am angry & unforgiving, they will have taken the rest of my life...'
(3) A good 3. Four way with attorneys. Made progress, but it was contentious. Needs for consideration and kindness were not met. Sad, but it won't stick.
(4) A respectable 4. The negotiations took a lot out of me, but the process was necessary. Returned to work. Took time to sit in stillness to triage my wounded heart & be with the pain...
12(5) Still smarting from yesterday's events. Rest helped, but weariness remains lodged in body. Can mitigate that by resting throughout the day. Somewhat busy day ahead, but all good. Take it slo, bro.
(6) 'We grow in kindness when our kindness is tested.' Thanks, Archbishop Tutu. I can use that on today's journey.
(7) Lesson on cognitive distortions for kids. More importantly, we discussed ways to identify and disable them. Teaching what I hope matters.
(9) The power of music to elevate my mood. Using keymapping to create dubstep when I type- cuz I'm cool like dat!
13(3) My moral compass works. I'm just heading the wrong way. Misstep. Now turn around! says my Inner Guide. Stay on the path!
(5) Morning with friend helped. Gym in a few, then relax at home: music, maybe art, maybe programming. Tomorrow, sleep in. Weariness is at root of blahishness.
(5) hour long vipassana meditation helped a lot. a good night's rest will bolster my mood. Will rest Sunday.
14(7) O Sleep, Thy tender mercies restoreth my strength. I sought in Thee refuge & Thou didst shelter me; from the darkness didst Thou shelter me. Weary was I, but Thou comforted me & gave me rest. Love 1:4
(9) What a glorious do nothing day! Enjoyed my own at-home, mini-meditation retreat. No mind at times, no chatter, no ego, just stillness & rest & peace. Nxt, dinner, then painting. Mourning dove coos.
15(7) Happy, rested, @ peace. Spirit is playful. What games shall we play today? There's the Make Someone Smile game, Random Acts o' Kindness game, F**k w/Their Head game (one of my favorites). Hmm, which 1
(5) Flat. All the elements for a good day were present. Hmmm. Maybe it was the melatonin. Gym, music, art in a bit.
(3) Highly irritable atm. Coffee & chocolate agitated my system. Negative thinking upset the balance of my mind. Whose mind is this anyway? Maybe I can dial this irritability down. If not, not.
16(7) A good night's sleep. Troubling dreams. Worry expressing itself. It was cathartic for Worry and for me- whoever me is. Meditation, yoga, a little laughter & a protein shake. Intention: love & serve.
(8) 7.5. Rounding up. Rested. Calm. Tinkering at work.
(9) 10 boys hanging out. They're happy creating virtual worlds. Me: 3D printing a custom electronic components storage box. #NerdHangOut
(5) Lone frog croaking in pool. Rabbit crouching in yard. I am close, but it does not hop away. A wonderful day. Ready for bed & rest. Did I serve & love today? Mostly. What can I do better? +passion+joy
17(4) 130 wake up. Not good. will try self hypnosis. getting sleeeepy...
(5) Grrr-umpy! I'll have 2 groove 2 this. Just keep getting out of your head, let go of meaningless thoughts & go into the body. Feel the sensations & just be. Stay present, love, play, b kind -2yourself2
(6) Tinkering, programming, learning, stretching myself.
(5) Tired, but home. Painting.
18(6) Slept well. Many dreams. Even the bad ones were good. Catharsis for this brain of limited perception & understanding. Dreams help me see & feel beyond my programming and conditioning.
(7) Soul reflections: I can make my human emit sounds & sing. It hears & I can assign labels to the sounds. No, infrasound, like elephants, or ultrasound, like bats, but well designed despite limitations
(4) 'If the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched.' The thief of worry broke in to my house & stole my peace.
(5) Korg tiny bits, mini synth. Music to take edge off.
19(5) Disillusioned like a child working out that Santa Claus isn't real. To be disillusioned, tho, is to be disassociated w/illusion. Was just hoping to glimpse a leprechaun riding a unicorn in my lifetime
(6) Meditation with the elders @ assisted living facility. There's a gatha that goes: 'I am of the nature to grow old; I cannot escape growing old.' Priorities change radically as we age.
(5) Billowy cumulonimbus clouds. Jay squawking. Two tribes of ant-people foraging in the kitchen. Respected six-leggeds. My children are with me this weekend, too. This looming divorce vexes my spirit.
20(4) Struggling to keep anger, resentment & contempt 4 her from possessing me, but I'm not yet willing 2 forgive. So, I suffer & wish her suffering. This isnt wise, but its honest & hopefully short-lived.
(5) Finding Peace Pilgrims advice helpful: 'So not suppress anger. That would hurt you inside. Do not express it: this would not only hurt you inside, it would cause ripples in your surroundings.'
(6) Being in Nature & with friends boosted my spirits.
21(5) Big decisions coming at once. Divorce will be finalized mid June. Will purchase home I'm in or move end of June. Either way, disruptive & stressful. Complete database & website overhaul (also June).
(5) How can I judge? I trust my ego more than is warranted. Judgment rests on the false testimony of an unreliable witness. Like the blind man, I importune Christ: O son of David, have mercy on me.
(5) How can I judge? I trust my ego more than is warranted. Judgment rests on the false testimony of an unreliable witness. Like the blind man, I importune Christ: O son of David, have mercy on me.
(6) Feeling grateful as well as a quiet confidence in something greater than the little me & it's concerns. Deep sense of trust despite the disruptions and stressors and must do's.
22(7) Sat @ piano to sing soulful version of 'I Surrender All.' The tears fell. A good cry. A purge. Catharsis. Very spiritual moment, but ephemeral & transient like all states. Integrated emotionally.
(6) "To love another person is to see the face of God" ~Victor Hugo. Or like Mother Theresa, see Christ 'in the distressing disguise of the poor.'
(5) Moderate stress, mild headache. Reviewed draft of divorce agreement. Triggering! Contacted lender. Applying 4 mortgage. Planning major data migration 2 new platform. Home now. Meditate+bath. Unwind.
(7) She's a real pain in the @$$, but I love her despite it all. A 7 for effort.
23No Reasons24(8) Musical performance/tribute for a departing and beloved colleague. What else can I give and share with others today to elevate, celebrate or enliven their day?
(7) 40m meditation after work to rest mind. Flitting in & out of consciousness, but dimly aware throughout. Allowing mind to recover & process what it needed to process without interference.
(7) if you remove the symptom without removing the cause, you may enjoy momentary relief, but you will not have worked through the problem you came to solve.
25(7) Watch. Be vigilant. Our lives are created through thought. Moment by moment and thought by thought are the inner conditions created. 'As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.' Alert. Attentive.
(7) Going to buy a helicopter to chopper to my private island. The yacht is way too slow. Also, buying a Lamborghini for my commute to school. That should shave off another few minutes. #Teacher's Life.
(6) Day ends. Mild disappointment tempered w/self-compassion. Unskillful handling of conflict w/ S2BXW. I was firm tho. She needed a check. I accept my role as adversary, teaching through consequences.
26(9) Awed. Was in the company of a very intelligent man who was as conversant with electronics as with music. I think my IQ was just raised a point or two. Very rewarding conversation. #Nerds
(8) Longed for do-nothing weekend begins. May those who seek, find. May those who suffer be comforted and find peace. Where there is discord, may there be harmony. May those who hunger be fed.
27(7) On heaven and hell, the Dalai Lama said, 'I prefer to go to hell than to heaven. I can help more people there.' I've heard the hypocrites judge & sentence others to hell, but never such compassion.
(8) 4h meditation. Mind is rested, settled, calm. Healthy soup for lunch, then to gym for 1-2h. Training mind/exercising body.
(7) In March, I returned to the ghetto where I spent 15yrs. Saw a homeless woman defectating under overpass as I exited fwy. Many addicts, homeless, suffering people. I learned to love in the ghetto.
28(7) 2.5h on piano: classical, gospel, Latin. 2.5h prayer+meditation. Prayer, not entreaty. Nothing to ask for. Nothing to want. Supplication involves thoughts of inadequacy. Prayer of gratitude.
(5) Flat. A good flat, a momentary trough between two peaks of a wave, a lull before joy comes, that makes the joy fuller because it was wanting. It's the discord before the music resolves back to tonic.
(7) The ego evaluates you as unworthy & unloving. You dare not go against its judgment. When you act out of accord with its perception of you, it reacts with viciousness. You're afraid of looking past it.
(5) Poison ivy is working it's mischief. The rash wouldn't spread if I didn't scratch it, but I indulge as it gives temporary relief. A negative thought is like that. Scratch it, it spreads...
29(5) Memorial Day. For me, a solemn day of reflection. General Omar Bradley: 'Wars can be prevented just as surely as they can be provoked, and we who fail 2 prevent them must share in the guilt 4 the dead
(7) 'Every thought pretends that it matters so much. It wants to draw you in completely. Here's a new practice for you: Don't take your thoughts too seriously.' Eckhart Tolle
(5) She texts platitudes I find shallow & insincere. I request authentic, empathic communication. I get back more fake talk. Shes hiding. Not addressing issues. Sigh. Okie dokie then. Everythings great!
30(8) Taking care of business!
(1) Betrayal! Letting the pain envelope me. This 1 is going to be harder to crawl out of. So I offer no resistance & lean into it. Aikido with suffering. Retreating to stillness.
31(5) Resting in awareness in which all phenomena are contained. Thoughts & emotions dissolving back into vast expanse of mind from whence they came. Grasping @ illusions , then letting go.
(5) Ave fell a tenth. Was averaging 7.7 before separation. Blips now & then as I adjust. Allowing. But just as often there is a palpable stillness & peace. Taking refuge in silence.
(7) With mom & sister.
June
MTWTFSS
   1(6) Leaving illusions of ego outside this quiet center. The Self abides in stillness, undisturbed by the speck that regards itself as me. The quiet way is open.
(7) Morning sun low on horizon. Clouds marching across soft blue sky in slow procession. 2 doves ensconced in maple tree. The power that orchestrates this abides in us as we abide in It.
(4) A self-inflicted 4. The deeper question is, how resolved am I to change this?
(7) Boing. Sun is shining.
2(7) Content atm. Working on learning curricula for my own children. Modules on wellness: intellectual, emotional, financial, social, occupational, spiritual, environmental, physical.
(5) Center where I teach meditation was giving away 14 Nautilus machines. Needed space. I tried 2 secure equip for school. No room. Finally decided to take them, but had already been claimed. DAMN!
3(5) Daughter was ill half the night & this morning. Fever seems to have broken. Now I can use some rest.
(7) Peace Pilgrim's life & writings have had a profound influence on me. What is most attractive is the absolute integrity between her philosophy & lifestyle. So inspired by her example & her wisdom.
4(6) Intending to fill this day with love & music, art & silence, compassionate speech & deep listening, meaningful activities that may be of benefit to others, exercise & rest.
(7) The self-cherishing & self-centered nature brings illusion and woe. Subordinating ego to the higher nature. Doing whatever good inspires the soul. Doing that which inspires wonder and joy and peace.
5(6) Hello, Suffering, Thanks 4 the opportunity to grow. Thanks 4 the correction I need. Thanks 4 the study aids on compassion & detachment to help me pass this challenge. Pursuing degree in Equanimity.
(4) Allowing in the sadness... and it is good.
6(7) Rested. Meditation. Reviewing vows (14) & setting intentions 4 tday: use ea challenge as a learning device-obedient to higher nature, remain mindful, present in the NOW. Prayer 4 guidance. Day begins.
(7) Setting intentions is an exercise in awareness & conscious choice. It's not stepping blindly into day. We think about the day we want: moments of peace, love, fellowship, peace, clarity, joy...
(6) Reflecting on day. Guided by intentions. The challenges were instructive. When irritable, used emotion as a signal to adjust attitude, let go of judgment, forgive, extend compassion, see annoyance as
7(6) The day begins w/an hour of training mind: meditation, prayer, setting intentions, daily renewal of vows, which I copped from Thich Nhat Hanhs Order of Interbeing.
(8) Driving, I saw a man sitting on sidewalk with one shoe and sock off. Didn't look right. I spun around. You ok? He injured his ankle. Couldn't walk. Phone was dead. He'd been sitting out there 1.5h.
(8) A friend loaned me a car for 2 weeks. My sister & mom are here; we need wheels until theirs arrives. A neighor not only loaned me his mower, but found a used one 4 me. Good friends. Good karma.
8No Reasons9(7) The wisdom & knowledge we seek is readily available. What's needed is practice, the commitment to self discipline. That's where the work begins&challenge lies in the day2day application of knowledge.10(10) 16m bicycle ride to meet my friend of the soul. 2 hours of deep, authentic, empathic communication to give clarity and bring peace to my heart. 16m return trip ahead. Bonus: 3d printed native flute.
(9) That bike ride did me good. Painted Native American flute. Working on Chinese Dongxiao/Native American hybrid flute w/guardian lion fetish
11(4) Irritable atm. Excited yesterday. Stayed up late. Next time will be more mindful of regulating nervous sys. Going swimming in negative feedback eddy.
12(3) Stupid choices... but mine to make. Resolved. Will correct.13(5) Haven't slept well in days. Irritable & cranky. Pilots R allocated so many hours of duty time. When tired, they're more prone to make bad decisions, compromising safety. Applying same logic to my life
(6) 2 naps+meditation. Restorative. Clear-headed. A tree stands sentinel outside the bdrm window. Leaves jangling in the wind. Tree People have their own mysteries & secrets. Giant marvels to behold.
14(8) Doctor's follow up. I have sleep apnea. Explains why my moods are so adversely affected by lack of sleep. This diagnosis comes as a huge blessing. Sleep apnea can be managed. So grateful!15No Reasons16(5) Divorce finalized yesterday. Livid! On a pos note, camped in backyard w/kids. Woke 2 cawing crows & squawking jays. Wispy cirrus clouds veiling a half moon. Rainbow draped across sky, symbol of God's
(6) Taking apart 3D printer for repair. That good feeling we call competence.
(6) Watching Headspace cartoons on mindfulness w/kids. Then we default back 2 conditioning. 3 year old (whining): Daddy, I want water. Me (testily): Its late. Go 2 sleep! Underneath it is awareness &love
17(7) Penetrating through the dense fog of illusion I mistake 4 reality... or is this another delusion? Even this I is a projection of mind. And now breakfast: fries, eggs, lentils & rice
(8) Inspired by foul-mouthed priest of powerlifting, CT Fletcher. I think I'll listen to his motivational speeches when I work out. Going to climb a mountain, then bench press a truck.
(3) Energy level dropped. So tired. Highly irritable.
(1) Very disappointed with how I interacted with my children today. I was disrespectful, mean & snappish. I'm exhausted, but that does not excuse my behavior! They're watching & will mimic my foolishness.
18(5) The soul welcomes this emotional pain & psychological distress. It delights when ego suffers. The more resistance from i there is, the more pain comes. To liberate the soul, the ego must surrender.
(3) Balloons, cake, face painting, clowns AND a fez wearing chimp riding a tricycle. Pity Party under the big tent. Will try to nap this bull$h!t off.
(6) Converting the energy of anger into raw strength. Squatting 365 lbs (165kg) more than double body weight. Not bad for a 40 something. Tomorrow smash the upper body.
19(6) 1h meditation. Wrestling w/restless mind. Peering out window, noticed vine, tendrils outstretched reaching 4 wall 2m away as if knowing wall was there. The intelligence that guides that, guides mind2
(7) 4 wild turkeys crossing the road. A tom and 3 hens. Stunning. Fog descending. Trees shimmy in the breeze.
(6) Wearing a t-shirt promoting health & wellness, but holding two pints of ice cream and a bag of Doritos at the check-out line.
20(7) Came across this gem while taking a dump: 'Happiness is a by-product of living the right kind of life, of doing the right thing. Do not search for happiness, search for right living.
(8) Nap+1h meditation. Mind is rested, calm, strong. Major database overhaul. Also buying house or moving soon. Unstressed b/c mind is @ rest. Sit. Good mind. *Tosses mind a biscuit.
(6) Meditation ghetto-style: Sit your punk @$$ down & shut the f*ck up! When a thought comes simply label it 'bull$h!t.' Return to the breath. Summon your inner pimp. B!tchslap the mind back to the breath
21(7) Training mind all morning. Choosing inputs that uplift the soul & give strength to mind & fortify the heart. 32m bicycle ride2 work. Submitting ego&body 2 will & submitting will2God who have it.
(7) Last week, divorce. This week, working on database & housing. Last week, meditation practice was spotty. This week, self-discipline was strictly enforced. Rested. Vigorous exercise. Positive thinking.
22(7) So much uncertainty, but mind is settled & calm. Good mind. Rest, exercise, proper nutrition, friendships, prayer & meditation have been good for you... plus children-free week.23(5) Attached. Clinging to a foolish storyline.
(7) Confronting 3 stressors with sharp claws & pointy fangs this summer. Divorce was the first hydra I had to battle. A few gashes & broken bones, but I survived. Finding shelter is the second giant...
24(8) Tapping of rain on window pane. Low rumble of thunder. Orange lilies flowering just outside my window. Me & my music. Working on composition based on Native American folktale for 3D printed flute.
(8) Meditation. Nap. Meditation. Gym. 4 reps@ 405lbs (183kg). More mental than physical exercise. Trimming fear, doubt, intimidation from thought body. Strength training will. Dinner w/friends next.
(7) Nope. Not acceptable mind. You are bound to strength & discipline. You are forbidden from indulging in any weakness of any kind. I submit the body to the command of will which even mind must obey.
25(3) Disappointed.
(5) A peek behind Maya's illusory veil. The meaninglessness & emptiness of it all, the vanity of ego, the reactive habit patterns of craving, attachment, aversion. World weary, but this is good.
26(8) Ascending. In the flow & it is beautiful. Riding the current. Soaring above the purposeless, mad scrambling of ego. Rising above the dark smog of fear.
(9) @ medical center getting my Darth Vader breathing kit for sleep apnea.
27(5) Women- my Achille's Heel. Haven't resolved whether to live a quiet monk's life or share the gift of Love :) Dissonance.28(6) Database migration. A 9 for intellectual adventure, for learning, for curiosity. A 2 for 'If I botch this up all the org's databases will be screwed up.' Averages out to a 6.29(7) 720lb on press. Power! One day it will all be gone. Ephemeral. But while I have it to train, subjecting body 2 power of will- not just w/weights, all pursuits of the flesh. Submit! I tell u what 2 do
(8) 3 wks ago, center where I teach meditation was giving away 14 Nautilus machines. Dir. said they had a taker. But fell thru . So guess who's getting an $8,000 gym set for free? Booyah is, that's who...
(7) Giving X the gift of adversity. I am the nemesis that pricks the false self, the mirror that reflects back the ugliness of the ego masking the beauty of the soul, the rock that cracks the fragile 'me'
30(8) That something inside is just yearning to be discovered. It's calling for you to be you, waiting for you to awaken from your drunken stupor, the illusions of ego and of separation. Back 2 silence
(8) I don't like the word divorced or single. Free agent is better. Scouting. J is attractive: well traveled, adventurous, teaches yoga & meditation, sincere, compassionate. 1st round draft pick.
(7) The mind is a screen. You are the observer. Confusion comes when we get carried off by what plays on the screen. A romance plays on the screen and you feel lonely or aroused. A horror plays and you
July
MTWTFSS
     1(5) Research on reappraisal as a strategy for emotional regulation. Not understanding neuroscience on autonomic response & control-but validates meditative techniques practiced for millennia
(6) Made painting for friend who loaned me car. Nice connection w/people @art store where I stopped for frame. Dropped off car. Cycling home. Refueling @ pizzeria.
(6) Hurricane N, Typhoon J, & Tropical Storm C sleep. Good night, my beautiful children. Rest. Daddy loves you! Texted J. She texted back. Will see her soon.
2(5) Poor sleep. Didn't meditate. About 2 tho. Moved my stuff 2 basement. Its now an art/music studio+workshop living space. Mom, sis & children can enjoy rest of house. Proud to provide 4 my family.
3(7) Beach. Met an attractive Russian. She's an IT admin @ hospital. Pianist & composer. Lots of synergy. Exchanged numbers. Let's explore to see where this path goes.
(3) The ex. Obstructing efforts to refinance. Difficult as usual. Minor annoyance. Irritating.
(6) 'Dad, could you not put on that Frankenstein stuff?' You mean the frankincense? 'Yeah, that. I don't like it.' OK, son.
(3) A sadness descended. Seeing ex wife opened up the heart to this beautiful longing. Sigh. Oh well. Back to data import.
4(5) The egoless state. 'When the mind's very being is gone, itself in the Godhead lost: it is conquered! Set in Eternity's sweep, not knowing how it was crossed.' -Jacopone Da Todi
(7) D texts: you are a sweet, intelligent, handsome & very attractive man. If my situation were different, I would absolutely want to know you more. Blah blah. Cute rejection letter.
(9) Good workout. Met a preacher @ gym and we hit it off. Two hours of fellowship. His words were a Godsend! The Mystery is at play. OK, Lord! OK.
(7) A friend I didn't have the courage nor maturity to ask out in college emailed. She's flying out end of July. These love signals are strong. That was a 3000m reception. #MonksGoneWild!
5(8) Talking with J. Nice connection. Her voice, her mind, her spirit. So attractive. Lunch tomorrow.
(8) Saw ex. 'Looking good in those shorts,' I said. She gave me one of those huh? looks. 'Love is kind...it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs...It always protects...' 1Cor13:4-8.
(5) Tired. Haven't gotten used 2 CPAP machine- ventilator 4 people w/sleep apnea. On pos note, new head/boss. Good man. Looking forward to collaboration. Wishing him success. He has my respect & support.
6(6) Core training, yoga, weights.Met V. I had noticed her before. Very sexy, but didn't give her much attention. She attended my class. She was @ yoga 2. Def has my attention now! Hi, I'm L. I'm V.
(6) Lunch w/J. Talked for 3hrs. I told her I was attracted to her. She said she was attracted to me... but boyfriend in CA blah blah long distance yada yada not sure etc etc. Next. The tigress.
(6) Mark: M; Mary: F, Fred: M, Anne: F, Avery? Morgan? Synny? Arden? Demos? WTF people. I'm trying to code gender. If it sounds girlie: F. Mondo, I'm guessing M. If I key wrong, Loring, blame ur parents.
7(7) Managing chaos. 'You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf.' On another note: came across research on exposure therapy I thought would be useful for many pandas. It was referenced in...
(7) Stopped @ gym w/ tools to begin disassembling equip. I have everything I need. Even the tools I had were a gift. Attracting abundance. Profoundly grateful!
(7) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78I9dTB9vqM
8(8) Suffering is the path. Know this and accept that which would strengthen you. Run towards it not away. Pain is the path to peace & inner strength.
(8) Morning with friends. Real talk I love. Helped a friend move. Picking up another buddy. heading to gym.
(8) For a modern woman to surrender to a man is considered a retrogression. But how unhappy she is playing the masculine & how pathetic the men who lack the courage to embody their masculinity. #Taboo
(8) Ordered carrier kit 4 death paddle. Kayaking open ocean 2 off-shore islands since 98. Death paddle is a meditation on life & death. Man vs fear. A pilgrimage.
9(8) Looking forward to the day: meditation, bike ride, gym, meet up w/friend, music, study, lesson plan for mobile app dev, database clean-up. Expecting magical moments, inviting surprises. Lets go!
(8) Stumbled across these gems : 'You are here to create yourself, not to discover yourself.' & 'How alive are you willing to be?' Wake up! Let's go!
(9) I love my momma and am happy she's w/me now. Before dad died he asked me to promise to take care of her. He didn't have to ask, but I reassured him anyway. Told her about the women I was chasing.
(4) Somber. Thinking about B. Holding her, her mother & family in my thoughts and prayers.
10(8) Circuit training styles meditation: pranayama to stimulate vagus nerve and active parasympathetic sys, focused attention to strengthen concentration, body scan to improve somatosensory awareness +
(5) 2 cups of coffee. Caffeine is a stimulant. Side effects: jitteriness, mild anxiety. My body doesn't process it well. Too excitatory. Stressors: unprepared for class + database import behind schedule.
11(8) Kabir writes: One Love it is that pervades the whole world, few there are who know it fully: they are blind who hope to see it by the light of reason, that reason which is the cause of separation.
(8) Not a dull moment. Highlights: helping woman whose car broke down on fwy, completing SIS portion of database, working with students, enjoying my precious children, mom's help, using hypnosis 2 put...
12(6) Cicadas buzz. Sounds of summer. Busy day, but I can retreat to stillness when I need to & rest.
(6) Stopped @ toy store to buy son a birthday gift. Craving chocolate, but they only sold king sized bar. Split it w/family of strangers behind me. Chocolate was sweet, but their smiles were sweeter.
(4) A sadness descends. Very well. I welcome it in. Will rest. Perhaps weariness is all there is to this. It was a busy & stressful day. Rest may be all it is pointing to.
13(5) Social capital is another form of wealth. Diversifying my portfolio- investing in relationships. Making small deposits of kindness over time.
(7) Student sighed. 'This is hard.' 'You're 9. There are 7 billion people on earth. Not too many 9 year olds programming in Python.' He beamed. I kept going. Teaching more than tech, building confidence
(8) Disassembled preacher curl machine. 2 machines down. 12 to go. Heavy rains. Basement partially flooded. Bad. Good: 1. I have my own indoor pond. I've always wanted to live near water.
14(8) Slept 10 hours. A first since getting CPAP mask & machine. James Brown's 'I feel good' looping in my mind. Will meditate before heading out.
(5) Confronted xwife's divorce attorney in his office. Coward. Made no eye contact. Stringing gullible ex along like that, profiting off the suffering of others. No respect.
15(7) 'How blessed is Kabir, that amidst this great joy he sings within his own vessel. It is the music of the meeting of soul with soul; it is the music of the forgetting of sorrows.'
(8) At playground with chimps 1&2. Shirt off. Sun kissing bare skin (or is it bare bear skin as Im a panda? ). Breeze fans me. Shadows of leaves & branches dance on sunlit trunk of tree.
16(7) Feeding the family. I'm the head of my house. Got mom, sis & kids to protect & care for. Son comes to me w/a frown. I affirm him & cheer him up. Duty first. #leadership
(9) The squeals of my children laughing. Most beautiful sound to a father.
17(6) emerging from meditative stillness. Mischief Monday. My soul wants to play.
(7) Dental hygenist gave good oral. She was gentle, but I like it rough. Made her laugh. Now parked @ cemetary next to Winterbottom's tombstone. 10m meditation on life/death.
(4) Mild sadness washes over me. Triggered. Ran into friend who's going through divorce. He's moved on; I still cling. Drove past old neighborhood on way to campus. Ego attachment.
(7) X is so complicated, but I do love puzzles. She is Kali the Destroyer, the goddess of Darkness. And I am the light that shineth in darkness. A deep & reverential bow to all demon b!tches!
(7) An eagle was raised by chickens. Grows up thinking it's a chicken. Feels different because it's big&awkward. Anyway, I'm not gonna throw pellets on the ground & give u sympathy. Sympathy's 4 chickens.
18(8) I enter my inner sanctuary. The stillness is deep.Thoughts arise like the faint hum of traffic outside-distant, dim. Inside, it is quiet. I light a candle for the Beloved One.
(6) A good day. Many highlights. Xwifes unexpected kindness came as a surprise. Softened me. Was like being cleansed in humility.
19(7) The ignorance & arrogance of ego parades as knowledge. Yet it knows nothing of a leaf, a tree, a bird's song, or of the soul. Blinded by concepts that obscure reality & the beauty that is.20(7) Chatted w/tigress. Next move, discovery. Yesterday, let a diva flit by w/o a word. My reticence didn't meet need for honesty. I see you. I like you. I probe. Why deny myself or her possibility21(2) Dumb moves. Stuck in a sand trap. Where's my club?
(6) Measuring student progress by different metric: How excited are they? Very. How often are they smiling, laughing, joking around? Most of the time. How happy are they? Very. How engaged? Very.
22(6) @meditation retreat 4 facilitators who work w/prisoners, the homeless, the mentally ill & most vulnerable members of society. In company of inspiring ppl
(6) The tigress is single & told a friend I was cute. She's older than me. Guess I should rename her Cougar. Still on retreat. I should be purifying my mind. But there's a woman here I need to move on.
23(6) Back home. Retreat was good, but mind was not very centered. Yet, the few times mind did settle, I enjoyed a profound rest. Reboot. Oh, and my crush was married. She would've been so mine. #hubris
24(7) Meditation. I hear the first raindrops fall. Concepts & thought forms dissolve. I rest in alaya- a neutral, unenlightened state. Now back to thinking & words. Donning the loose garment of 'self.'
(8) Don't-know-mind. I like this not knowing, this opening up to mysteries, this letting go of pretense. I breathe, but this does not come of me or myself. It carries on independent of thought.
(5) Xwife. Ugh. Why? Blaming. These are my thoughts, my distortions, my illusions. I'm not seeing her clearly. Faked out by appearances filtered by my own limited perceptions. Misinterpreting.
25(7) Slept poorly. Boo. But got tigress's number. Yay! Or is it tigress' number? Either way, ready 2 be mauled. Want her to rip my heart out of my chest & leave me to die a slow, agonizing death 4 love.
(5) Tired. Stressed. Project behind schedule. Home sale may not go through. Patience. Don't like having so many uncertainties + items pending, but it is what it is. I can manage my own thoughts + emotions
(5) I might call this a tough day, or I can just experience unpleasant sensations in the body & notice conditioned, familiar thought patterns re-emerging then dropping away again.
26(8) A NEW day. Has that new car smell. Fresh eyes. Mind curious &expectant like that of small child who knows nothing- open, not cluttered; open, not full of notions about how day should be.
(8) Facilitated 3 hour workshop/retreat on self-care which itself was an act of self-care. Meets need to contribute to well being of others. Purposeful, meaningful work. Very satisfying.
27(6) I love people- that hidden Mystery expressing itself in human form, that light which flickers & dances within. I'm an alien btw on temporary student visa studying your adorable & goofy species.
(7) A 7 for the guy @ the gym rocking the superman t-shirt and matching blue tights. He's wearing the 'I dont give a f*k' brand of confidence I like. A 7 for the tigress. Flirting w/beauty.
(5) Energy wanes; mood falls. Thats ok. Moon waxes and wanes; tide rises and falls. Natural rhythms. A 30m+ meditation would be nice.
28(8) Legal bill paid. Booyah! Enroute to NYC to spend time w/my beloved family.
(6) NYC. Times Square, Broadway. Cycling Central Park w/ my children was best part of the day. Saw uncle, aunt, cousin & nephew.
29No Reasons30(6) Spent evening in NYC w/friend from college. Visited Freedom Tower (where Twin Towers once stood). She was as radiant & poised as I remembered her. Sweet encounter.
(7) Parked alongside bay. Boys found a few hidden 'treasures' littered along beach- a secret book, a gold necklace and pearls, shards of ancient pottery.
(7) Evening w/the tigress. The nickname fits. She's stunning, powerful, dangerous. She felt good in my arms. I want to explore more of her. Taking it slow. Seduction is sweeter that way.
31(6) Slept well. 1h meditation. Thoughts of V intruding. Letting go. Nothing to disturb my peace.
(7) Beast mode: 455lbs squat. Applying same intensity to all areas of life. Bring it!
August
MTWTFSS
 1(7) Canoe secured to roof. Camping gear stowed away in trunk. Taking my sons on an adventure down river. Returning tomorrow morning. #father-son-bonding #adventure2(5) Flat. Dull work, but mission critical. I'd rather be meditating in a cave, but somebody's got to do this- and that's me. I am somebody! :)3(8) Rocking orange thong to celebrate Mens Liberation From Social Norms Day! Happy MLFSND! What? You think it's unmanly. Nah, being a conformist is unmaly.
(7) Throttle back on tigress to build up intensity. Confident the attraction is there. Wait patiently & let her come to you. Push-pull.
(9) Canoeing lake w/ sons 7&9. Lots of mirth, play, laughter + a few jokes about wieners & poopy butt cheeks I couldn't quite follow.
(9) Thank you Most High, Creator of Worlds, Ancient of Days. In you I live & move & have my being. To You I return. You are an eternal dwelling place. You are my rock, my refuge, my strength. #Gratitude
4(4) Yuck. Poor night's sleep. Creatine drink probably caffeinated. Headache. Tired. But easily corrected w/proper rest. Otherwise, wind at my back.
(6) Meditation morphed into 20m nap. I like those. Feeling rested. Tiredness compromises mood. Aware of this, careful not to interpret from this energy. When I do, however, giving self compassion.
(7) Tigress texts. Sends a photo of dark room w/candles. Inviting. Only thing missing is me, I tease. 'Candle gazing and wine sipping... there's plenty of room for you here.'
5(7) What I know is a demarcated boundary- and a very limited one. What I don't know is open & limitless, far more interesting than anything in my cache of 'knowledge.' Preferring this don't-know-mind
(5) The universe is vast beyond comprehension. We are a mere speck & insignificant at that. Yet, we are given power to co-create w/universe. We are included in its grand design.
(7) Paid off all debts. Two months post-divorce. Ready to rebuild. Accepting buyers offer if they'll accept my terms. Thank you, guardian angels!
6(7) The mind begins an unraveling just prior to sleep. Stories become disjointed before consciousness dissolves. Just prior to waking there is pure awareness before the mind boots and ego wakens. I enjoy
(7) Disassembled rowing machine. Tedious. But have gym on vision board +house, workshop, art/music studio, etc. Attracted that. 'What we think about expands.' -W.Dyer #grateful.
(8) Facilitated meditation class. Spent evening w/a friend @ her home by the sea. Kayaking w/her son. Then dinner and long conversations about everything.
7(8) Sisters texted lame pick up lines I could use. I joked I had game + met a hottie named Mildred on Bingo Night @senior citizens center. Didnt need their help. Now texting me elder porn. #evilSistrs
(7) Can you let the past go and look without condemnation on the present? Use the past to attack the present & youll miss the freedom & peace the present holds.
(7) 20m meditation. Feeling rested and ready for meeting.
8(6) 'He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down w/out walls.' Proverbs. Discarding illusions of past/future. Abiding in moment, observing rising/falling of phenomena #meditation
(7) A hiker w/o water would die of thirst in the Outback. He may be walking over water but his knowledge is useless. Like this, many journey thru life thirsty- water just below the surface of their feet.
(8) Weight Area rules: 'Do not yell or make excessive noise.' Ignore. Power lifting. Rahhh! Monster mode. Power!
(6) On depression, Center for Healthy Minds published interview w/Prof Charles Raison. It's not a discrete disease. For some, expresses as depression, others, anxiety or mania. From evolutionary pov...
9(8) Beautiful day. Kayaking to Cuttyhunk.
(10) Wow experience! 5hrs w/ Sea Mother. Very cathartic & meditative. 2,157 breath count on 2.5 hr return. Thank you, Abba!
(5) Can't sleep. Energy drinks midday. Caffeine still in sys, I guess.
10(5) Exhausted. Glycogen stores depleted. Poor night's sleep. Mood discolored by it all. Simple to correct though. After morning meeting, going home for a nap.
(5) Rested. Meditation before meeting & nap afterward helped. Sad atm tho. Wanting connection. The connection will come. The love that is in me wants to share & give of itself and dance w/life.
(7) Ran into 8 friends downtown & enjoyed the company of people I didn't know. Met my need for connection. Thanks, Universe! That was sweet. Ahh, but the love of a woman is sweeter.
11(7) Excellent night's sleep. Thanks, melatonin. Deep insight meditation practice. Wanting to remain in this state of rest, but life doesn't work that way. Taking boys to NYC this weekend.
(8) Theres an older man on the block who's a bit of a curmudgeon, but I like him. Yells at speeding motorists. 'Slow down, idiots. There are kids here.' His nature is to protect. I needed help. Called him
(5) Day ends. Long drive. Tired. Disconnected. Disengaged.
12(8) People magic. I enjoy engaging people. Beauty in the eyes of everyone I meet. Off to cycle the Brooklyn Bridge with my bambini.
(9) Cycled Brooklyn Bridge w/sons. Beautiful memories of crossing bridge as a big w/my dad, my hero. RIP. Thanks, dad!
(8) Good magic today. Saw people circling a tree. A simple inquiry led 2 a nice conversation, a tote bag as a gift, a magazine, fruits & water for the boys. Also met bassist for George Benson on train.
13(2) Most days, I just shrug things off. High tolerance for b.s. I know people don't mean to be mean or realize they're attacking their own peace first when they attack others. But angry atm w/X.
(5) Pushing 90 on the fwy, 2 guys in motorcycles zip past me. Go, boys, go! Ride those machines the way they were built to be ridden- fast! I often pass Corvettes and Porsches in my 4 cylinder. If you're
(4) Miserable. Allowing attention 2 get absorbed by objects of mind vs letting go. Will accept this, though & wallow in my own filth. Want to enjoy my pain & inhale the stench of my own $h!tty choices.
14(4) Grasping. Holding on to my illusions. Craving. Wanting the affection & attention only a woman can give. Grasping + craving. Roots of suffering. Confronting this. The pain is necessary. Heal thyself.
(7) 12 mile bike ride to work. Intentional. Transforming energy & changing both physiological and emotional states. Also, trying to keep a member of my team on staff. He's got a family to support.
(6) 2 week ago, I deposited a large check in the ATM and left my card in the machine. Froze the account and was issued a new card today. I withdrew some money and again left my card in the ATM. Yeah, dumb
(1) Plummets.
15(4) Headache. Poor sleep. Midday nap will help address symptoms, but I need to address the fundamentals and get back to basics. Reassess
(5) Day with daughter. Her: ' I asked my belly if he wanted some gum and he said yes.' I gave her gum.
(5) Uptick. 5.4 Assembled team 2 help w/database. Making progress. Not as overwhelmed. I enjoy what I do (edtech/admin), but feel its time for a major upgrade. Need to weigh whats best for all though.
(6) 2h improvising on piano. Dark mood lifts.
16(3) Blue. I can probably do something to lift this, but don't care to. It's important to feel this and open up to it. I KNOW there's something beautiful here needing attention. So, I need to wait and give17(1) Another unexpected surprise from X. I understand now why people lose their heads, but doesn't excuse me from losing mine. Just another test. Empathizing. I get it.
(4) Set up home inspection appt. Packed for flight out to Nevada tomorrow. Productive. Still pissed though. 'Let it go,' says my Inner Guide. Not now, IG. You're right! But not now. I'm a live wire.
18(8) Las Vegas w/ sisters and nieces.19(6) 3am PST. Body clock is set to EST tho. Awake & alert. Enjoying the night, the crickets chirping & insects whirring, the stars-Ursa Major, Orion, Betelgeuse
(8) Fun
(8) 1st time paddleboarding. body mind engaged. almost meditative. plus worked core muscles and kinetic chain- from ankles to shoulders.
20(8) Body-mind-emotions are instruments. Can be used by higher or lower nature. Self centered cannot fully control, but is controlled by needs for comfort by body, demands of mind & outbursts of emotions.
21(6) The world may be unfair & unkind, but we can see to it that our own minds are kind to us. We do have a degree of control over that. Positive self-talk & self-regard can be cultivated a thought@ a time
(5) Tired, but the eclipse was unforgettable.
(5) Likely flying out to Bermuda Thu. No itinerary, no schedule, nothing reserved. Planning to travel lightly & just allow magic 2 unfold as often happens when I trust & have faith that all will be well.
22(6) Tigress not responding to my overtures. Disappointed, but undeterred. She inspired me, and I'm grateful for that.
(7) Following through on a long deferred dream. Plus a delicious nap.
(8) Exceedingly grateful for my good fortune. There's an obligation to pass it along, to bless others, to give, to serve.
23(8) I worked for this. I put my time in. Was willing to pay the price, willing to suffer to grow, willing to die to ego.
(9) Picked up a hitchhiker. ExMarine and poet thumbing it to California. He started out in Florida. I enjoyed his company.
(5) Tired. Saw the X. 3 years ago she was telling me I was a faithful & loving husband, a devoted father, a gentle soul. All true. Now I'm persona non grata. Who'll I be to her in the nxt 3yrs? Ephemeral.
(6) What a scare! Misplaced wallet. Flight out tomorrow morning. Imagined the gods messing with me. Not now, please! Found it under car seat. Must've fallen out of pocket. Whew! Relief!
(7) 'For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat.' I recognized you behind the disguise, Lord.
24(8) Scenes of exotic working locations on vision board. Heading to Bahamas to work on project. #Imagine&Create
(9) When you know you're cute like dat. lol.
25(8) Meeting wonderful people- easy, as I consider all people beautiful. Breakfast with locals I met yesterday, then heading to beach to spend part of the day with a woman I met on the plane.26(10) Unforgettable two days. Spent evening with T. This morning worked with charity she was helping. Passed out school supplies to children. Definitely off the beaten path & not typical holiday.27(9) Angie wants to spend some time with me before I leave. She'll take me to airport. Trip to Bahamas begins & ends in the company of awesome women. #GirlCrazy
(9) Our eyes locked. Once, twice, three times. Why not? 'You are stunning blah blah.' She says thank you. I see her again at the gate. 'Sorry, I feel I was disrespectful, etc.' But she's showing interest.
28(6) Mild case of I Don't Give A F**k-itis, which is an inflammation of the cares of this world. Happy 2 let it all go, and simplify down to a backpack if it came to that. Weeklong layover b4 nxt adventure
(7) Saddling backpack for trip to Idunno. Can go visit fam in NYC & paddle around Lady Liberty, go to Turks&Caicos w/sis or visit T in Tampa to enjoy all of her. Blessed & Grateful.
(7) My love for people grows. I love women people best, but I've got love for the fellas, too. The children are closest to God and closest to my heart. God bless the babies!
29(6) Angie sent msg too uplifting not to share: Today is a day of blessing. I bless you: I bless your heart. Your life. Your health. Your home. Your family. Your work. Your finances & your projects.
(7) Kriya yoga, prayer, Taiji qi gong. Feeling good.
(8) Busy day, but productive! SIS ready. Samba drum kit arrived. Going to practice on the repinique & caixa @ home. Head asked if feasible for students to build computer. Excited to explore & prototype.
(10) A few days ago, met a wonderful woman & husband on flt. Turns out they lived down road from school where I work. She invited me to visit. I said I would & did. Such a wonderful family!
30(5) 5.5. Positive mood. Busy. Will take a 10-20m meditation break as Ive been in 5th gear most of day. Need to idle.
(5) A sad 5. Come here, Sad. Gives Sad a warm hug. Best part of day was drumming. Practicing on tamborim and surdo. Worst part: havent heard back from T. Hope shes safe. Havent seen V in a month. Blah!
31(5) Transforming dark energy into motivation with the power of my light and will. Failure becomes success; fear alchemizes into courage; pain transforms to joy.
(7) Alchemy complete. Core training, kriya in the sauna, Taiji qi gong in the steam room. Im even dressed to the nines- whatever that means.
(10) Colleague stressed. He has 4 special needs kids & needed a sitter. 'I sent you the files. Go home. You can do this remotely.' Big man's eyes welled up. Do unto others. Let us love one another!
(6) A colleague opens up about her sons addiction. Deep listening, empathy & a hug are sometimes all people need at those times. Meeting J for tea tomorrow after court. X drama.
(6) I have a colleague I call Snow White. Shes beautiful, graceful, kind... even sings. Very nice, Christian woman. Today was wearing white dress. Black thong showing through. God's handiwork! PTL!
September
MTWTFSS
    1(8) Grounded. Will need to be. Busy day ahead.
(3) Court to answer an a & b w/dangerous weapon charge bc I called X bitch for not allowing me to see dogs. I slammed door (dangerous weapon). No charges pressed. Still, irritated to be here! Ridiculous!
(5) On a positive note, friend recruited me to teach mindfulness program in prison. Putting together program for inner city kids. School may donate 80-90 laptops. Alchemizing anger into social justice.
(4) Tigress is a no-go. Never heard back from T. Just hope she's ok. Sad atm.
2(6) Homemade soup for breakfast. Leaving for the Grand Cayman Islands in a few. I enjoy my life. Soon, Ill find someone with whom to share it. We can co-create. Yeah, thats it. Im looking for a co-creator
(7) Positive omens. Its going to be a magical day. Heart is open to welcome it all in. #Receptive.
(9) Met 2 women @ Customs. May hang with them this evening. Walked 2 hostel from airport. Outside grocery store, sat on bench to eat. Met a former drug dealer from Honduras. Told me life story when he
3(4) Met V & C @ bar. They both looked beautiful. I took V to outdoor patio. We saw over a dozen sharks swimming in the clear water lit by a waxing gibbous. Kiss close. Should've left it there...
(6) I apologized to V. Felt terrible! She couldnt understand why i left. Explained I wasnt being authentic & that I wasnt in a good headspace. I think that reassured her. going to meditate, breakfast...
(8) Snorkeling. Tarpon, groupers, angelfish, blue tang, snapper, sergeant majors... It was like swimming in a fish tank. Wish my children were with me. Someday.
(6) V invited me to dinner w/C & another guy. I went to enjoy their Co. They wanted to go dance & drink afterward. I didnt want to go and left. V texts: 'Thank you for ruining my night.' When I got back
(7) The proprietor of the hostel gave me the only key to office. I put it in my wallet and put wallet in my pocket. I go to leave & lock door. The key isnt in the wallet. I begin searching.
4(8) Borrowed a bicycle. Cycled to west end of island. Saw a woman dancing on beach w/her two friends-sensual the way only a woman can move, free, enjoying herself. I approached. Despacito.
(9) I asked my beautiful soul: Why did you assume human form & take up dwelling in the suffering realm? To dance w/ a woman and hold her, to feel the touch of ocean, to relish a delicious meal and to cry
5(5) Ghost story follow-up. So, I got home and told my sister about the missing key. She said the same thing happened to her yesterday. She set remote down, went upstairs, came back. Gone.
(5) Saw X this morning, dropping off kids for first day of school. She smiled @ me. Hurts, but in a beautiful way.
(6) First day of school. Low postings only because Im tired. Arrived home late. Just a few hours sleep, but happy to be back.
(5) Boys displaying behaviors I find concerning. Divorce affects kids- often adversely.
6(7) Rested. Guided meditation w/Mooji. Sisters Jamaican crush is w/us a few days. Im happy theyre happy. He almost died. Was paralyzed, couldnt speak. After that experience, he resolved to live more fully
(7) Temp is a good man. I like having him around. Enjoying real talk.
(6) Observing crowd @ restaurant enjoying a meal. I wonder what theyre discussing. Guessing 95% is self-referential & predictable. Would be curious to eavesdrop on that stimulating & enthralling 5%
(6) Main water line is deteriorating & needs to be replaced asap. Better to catch this now and replace than pay for a flooded basement. Main shut off valve is useless if pipe bursts. Need to contact town.
7(7) Misc thoughts: 1. Tigress came to Core. I had written her off. Maybe shes a not-yet. 2. I put on the shirt I bought in Caymans. Sister said I looked gay. I can use this. Nxt time Im in Caribbean & see
(5) Reflecting on day. Good: exercise, Tigress, completed items on to-do-list, samba drumming w/son, assembling machine w/son, daughter's laughter, planning fam vacation, asking 2nd graders if they felt
8(6) Summoning the help of the Invisible Ones to guide and inspire me this day. May I be an instrument of peace and love.
(5) A parent of 2 students diagnosed w/ terminal cancer. Offering support. Im good at self-care in crisis and do not fear death, but welcome it. Hoping she accepts offer. I want to walk w/ her.
(8) Loving my children. Collaborating w/ colleague on music projects. Seeing friends tomorrow.
9(5) sitting. No expectations. Nothing to create. Nothing to do. Simply here w/ this felt sense of aliveness, of 'I am.' This sense of being has no name or identity, no history, no belief, no gender.
(8) Canoeing river w/ kids. White cumulus clouds floating in blue sky. River flat, placid. Swans & mallards watching us watching them. S welcomed my offer to walk w/her on her journey.
(8) There a Schuller quote I like: 'You can count the seeds in an apple, but you cant count the apples in a seed.' Our thoughts, words and deeds can be likened to seeds which may someday bear fruit.
10(7) Morning routine: meditation, prayer, exercise, healthy breakfast. Sets the tone for the day.
(5) Mild irritation. Posting the 5 before the 7 that is sure to come as a reminder that all states are fleeting and to encourage that someone in distress to hang in there.
(5) Asked to deliver 2 hour mindfulness training for first responders- EMT, police, firefighters. Completed chores: patched concrete wall, assembled ab machine. Still flat, though.
11(8) 4am wake up. Kriya yoga & meditation. Prayer & visualization. 16mi bike ride to work. Feeling inspired, strong, motivated. Grateful. Connected to the One whose workmanship we are.
(6) 16mi ride home. Feeling pretty good. $1 to guy panhandling. Maybe he'll use it to self-medicate, maybe for a meal. To me it was a gesture of simple kindness, concern, respect for God who dwells in him
12(4) Database. Frustration on so many levels. This is so outside my job description and not inspiring work at all.
(5) Back in the day, my math tests looked like this: (1) 5X7= (2) 8X6= Today, they look like this: Bob invited his multicultural friend Patu to go fishing, but Patu was Buddhist and believed in the
(7) I drive like a Boss! I drive the way I live- full throttle! Stopped @grocery store. Guy missed his bus. I drove him home bc Im cool like dat! I affirm me so much, I dont need external validation.
13(6) Deep & restful meditation. With mind calm & concentrated and mood positive, I set my intentions for day. More likely to attract the positive when energy is positive. Prayer for guidance. Love for all
(5) Choices. Should I drive the Lamborghini to school today or the Ferrari? The Bentley, the Porsche... or the KIA? #TeachersLife #DontHateThePlaya
(5) She smiles and acts polite, but I know her kindness is superficial. Still, I will elevate her to what she can be, and quietly encourage her. Be patient. She's trying.
14(5) Mild headache and stiff neck. I can take something to relieve symptoms, but would rather address it at root. Stress, too, is a manifestation, but not the issue.
(6) Core. In a recent study, high intensity interval training was shown to elevate mood more than regulat aerobic exercise. Measurable increases in endorphins and opiod peptides. HIIT sent them soaring.
(6) Exercising body & mind. Repetition. 3-5 sets w/heavy wt. to muscle failure. Same with mind. Convincing self that I cannot lose. Convincing myself I can do $h!t. Loading mind w/can do thinking.
(7) Listening to one of winningest quarterbacks discussing recent string of loses. Staying focused on present, he framed loses as learning opportunities. Not defined or undone by loss, remains confident.
(6) Mood good, but body is definitely needing rest. If Im going to push myself physically, I need to balance with adequate rest.
(4) Triggered everytime I see her. Tender feelings are gone. Its mostly annoyance whenever I see her. Req
15(5) Designed a neurosci curricula that integrates tech (EEGs, programming, 3D modeling) + SEL. Admin wants to STEM around a 1-off sailing race. Better to teach kids how to navigate their own vessel...
(5) Database/website migration has been an expensive debacle. We've committed over $100,000 to the upgrade, but I think its going to downgrade productivity & organizational efficiency. Grrr.
(7) Friend's job may be OK. Results nxt wk, but strong legal case. I may head to NYC tomorrow & crash w/family, kayak East River to Hudson, paddle under Brooklyn Bridge, circle Statue of Liberty.
(9) Me and my music. Creating like a god, like the One in whose likeness I was made.
16No Reasons17(8) Kayaked East River to Hudson to Statue of Liberty. Couldnt outmuscle the current on paddle back. Cousin picked me up.
18(8) Empathy for a colleague. She said, 'Feels like therapy. Thanks.' And all I did was be present, listen without judgment, mirroring back what I heard her saying, guessing feelings & needs.
(5) Bought some new clothes. Havent been inside a dept store in years. I think Ill make a game of it next time. Ill ask one of my fashionable lady friends if she can dress me. I had a girlfiriend who
(3) :( Buddhists killing Rohingya in Myanmar. So much for respecting Buddhist vows not to kill. Whether Hindu, Christian, Muslim- ppl will use religion to justify homicide, violence, hatred. Insanity!
19(6) Productive. Learning. Getting things done. -4 for president's saber rattling. N. Korea is in the crosshairs. Another poor, 3D world nation posing an existential threat to the US. Really?
(6) i usually begin my classes with silence. Today asked children to think about other children throughout the world who may be suffering-Myanmar, Houston, Dominica...
20(6) May purchase DJ equipment for a class I teach. Wanting to add music to lessons and make class even more engaging than it already is. When I'm excited, I transmit that. When lesson is fun, pos emotions
(5) Disappointed in people. Disgusted, actually!
21(4) 300lbs bench press. Then, POP, rip... thank God I had a spotter! Off to urgent care. On a pos note, S contacted me. Shes the parent w/'terminal' cancer. Hopefully, its not. If it is, lean on me.
(6) Positive attitude inoculates me against temp setback & failure. Rested. Going 2b out of commission for a few weeks- possibly months. But I can still train my mind & use this to develop inner strength
22(6) Will be off MP for a week. Experimenting.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons
October
MTWTFSS
      1(7) Needed that break. Will take more periodically. Crazy week. Found out X was dating a guy who lives w/his parents, smokes, likes weed. I went to his house. LOL. Administered a $h!t test. He exploded.
(5) My family in Puerto Rico is OK, but sounds like the island was devastated. May take years to recover. Also saddened by news a panda shared whose well-being I care about. :( #theSufferingRealm
(7) Mucking around with DJ controller for an upcoming performance. I don't know what Im doing haha.
(4) Day ends on a sad note. But I appreciate this. Its just a signal. I know what work needs to be done and im on the path.
2(5) Needing to atone & amend, forgive & extend compassion, die to this ego & abide in the What Is.
(4) Las Vegas.
(6) 20m meditation was restorative. Mind is calmer & clearer. Enjoying sunshine while children play on playground w/friends. The insects whir.
(4) Me: Want to meet? J: Id love to! Me: How about Monday @ 4. J: Sure. (Monday noon) J: I have a boyfriend. Me: I have a goldfish. 4 o'clock. No J. Second time she does that. I own that though.
(6) Me and my music. Flute, followed by a dj set, then piano. Meditation then bed.
3(7) Mind in an expansive state after deep meditation set. Nuisance mind dissolving into Pure Awareness. Not clinging though. All states are ephemeral. Heading w/S to specialist. Her Drs prognosis was grim4(5) Maintain vigilance. Mischief mind is weaving stories that take me out of the present moment and cloud clarity. Mischief mind is fomenting untruths that will only cause distress. So, I monitor & label
(5) Mismanaging mind. Cycling out of default mode network as soon as Im aware of neg thoughts or emotions may reduce noise.
(7) Doc looked at MRi. Tore my pec muscle. Surgery to reattach ligament. Haha. Ill be back stronger than ever. Will enjoy this 4 mo respite. Bought a new suit 4 presentation 2mrrw. Plus my music.
5(10) 2 mindfulness presentations4 police, firefighters, EMT. Proud to contribute in a small way to their well being. After Vegas, especially, deep gratitude to those willing to put their lives on line to6(5) Stressful day @ work (perceptual), but many lovely moments. Got to see my children, rehearse with friend, meditate with students, initiate 2 projects very meaningful to me. Rest would bump to 6...
(1) Children wanted to Facetime w/their mother. shes at boyfriends house having dinner. Did I mention he had 2 children from 2 different women. And this is the 'man' shes bringing around my children.
7(5) The root of my suffering is attachment- an unwillingness to let go of how I think things should be- perceptual, a hostile posture toward those who threaten the auhority of my presumed authorship of
(6) NYC with children visiting family & friends.
8(5) Enjoying day w/ family & friends. Celebrating love, support, encouragement, friendship. Fav part was 9y.o. son sitting on my lap letting me shower him w/kisses + the affection daughter showed uncle.
9(4) An important 4. The ore must be smelted in hellfire and the impurities removed before it can be hammered into steel. So, too, this mind. Willing to suffer for the peace that is sure to come.
(5) Attitude shift. Intending to use suffering to train mind and strengthen awareness. The pain I experience is of ego, misapplication of mind. Knowing this, I can use pain to sink beneath it. Started
(6) Music is the most merciful of the gods. Music soothes this agitated mind, while my prayers go unanswered.
10(5) Another opportunity to train mind w/ the heavy weight plates of suffering. Image of Conan popped into my head. Boy slave forced to do manual labor grows into a powerful man as played by Schwarzenegger
(5) @ least 90% of the time, my suffering comes from attachment to a thought, a perception, an evaluation or a judgment. The 'pain' expresses as an emotion + physical reaction. Thoughts agitated...
(5) A strong 5. My problems challenge me to grow. For that, I am very grateful. I feel i have the strength, the resolve & the skills to learn and transcend this suffering. Celebrating each small victory.
11(10) Awesome performance! Glowing! Expressing what is mosy creative and beautiful in me.
(7) Some of the police officers were saying my presentation on mindfulness was one of the best p.d.s they ever attended. Feels great to hear that as meets need to contribute.
(5) Anger rises from his fiery realm. 'I am a god among pitiful mortals. The destroyer! I lay waste to $hit!' I bow to it, before beheading it with the sword of awareness. But my anger is a hydra.
12(6) my 'suffering' is agreeable to my soul. Accepting this, it is transformed. I do not fear it, I welcome it; I do not seek to escape from it, but choose to learn from it.Suffering is like fire.13(7) Mindfulness presentation at a school. 2 invitations to presents. Cool. I shared how meditation helped me weather divorce. One of participants approached me after presentation. Said she was single. lol
(4) Saw X when she came to pick up children. Sudden drop in mood. Opportunity to exercise detachment.
14(3) Dreamt I was in marriage bed waiting, waiting for X, confident she would return. She never did. Dreamt X was pregnant w/neighbor's child. Woke up triggered & angry!
(6) Meditation, followed by self hypnosis and a deep, deep rest. I needed that.
(6) Receiving the messages, lessons & reminders needed to realize my most authentic & expansive self. Cultivating equanimity & detachment: to be able to look @ any condition w/o reacting negatively to it.
(5) Headache. 1 day fast. Sleep it off. Breakfast 2mrrw. Going to write grant. If they give me the $100,000, can design a powerful program for disadvantaged kids.im determined to whether i get $ or not.
(6) Ideas.
15(7) Rested. Inspired. Looking forward 2 this day which begins w/breakfast + 1-4 h of mental, spiritual disciplines. Then time w/friends, physical exercise, chores, grant writing for vision passionate abt
(7) Meditation followed by another deep hypnosis session. I was 1 or 2 again, throwing items out the window of 3rd or 4th story Brooklyn apt, fascinated by gravity. lol.
(7) IFS with my friend. Then gym. Last wk, we were exploring anger. This wk, sadness. My sadness usually emerges when Im out of alignment. My sadness is a shape shifter. It longs to express itself as joy
(8) Grant writing. Whether we're awarded the money or not, the exercise helps to clarify my vision. I know it would be a great program, just hope I can persuade the donors of its merits.
16(5) Did not sleep well. Did not meditate. Flat all day.
(5) Day sucked. I did not spend my usual hour in the morning in meditation, in prayer, focused on intentions, reviewing my vows. Going to rest in stillness now.
17(6) Early to bed. Slept well. In a dream, I hovered over X & her lover. I felt compassion for them. Woke up to meditate. The day begins.
(7) Instead of judging conditions as pos or neg, choosing how to RESPOND- which can be pos or neg- is my RESPONsibility. Condition may not be my choice, but response IS. This is hard work, but Im game.
(3) Angry, but I could see thru it. I was possessed by it, but, for a few brief instances of sanity, I could disengage. It was as if I were watching an actor playing a role. Still angry, but superficial
18(6) Woke up 2 meditate. Drifted in & out of consciousness. Im in bed w/a girl. There are 2 lesbians in adjacent bed having fun. I gesture 4 them to join us. Bell rings. Ill set that as my sankalpa. :)
(7) DIY. Installing doors. Productive. #HomeImprovement
19(8) Good neighbor, leader of men. Owns construction company. Has all the tools Im missing for project. Good looking out, neighbor!
(6) On gurney at surgical center waiting. Going to meditate.
20(7) Been in a meditative state since operation. Using pain to strengthen concentration. Practicing gratitude. Extending empathy & compassion to those who suffer. Mine is temporary. But old age comes 4 me
(6) OUCH!!!! pain meds wearing off. Holy cow, this hurts.... but mood is good. hehe.
(6) Resting all day. Feels sooo good. The pain is intense, but im building up a tolerance for it. Because Im rested, I can face this with a considerable degree of aplomb.
(7) A good day. My precious children are with me.
21(5) tired, but pain considerably diminished. Children bickering. Irritating. Going to meet friends soon. Then hoping to rest remainder of day.
(4) Annoyed. Need for consideration not met.
(6) Nap helped. Going to get Halloween costumes for kids. Theyre excited.
(5) Lost consciousness in bathroom. One min im feeling dizzy, next min im on floor wondering who am i? where i am? trying to make sense of experience. it was similar to profound meditation exp of no-self
(6) Chillaxin with my son- watching Cpt. Underpants. Cousin should be here in a few. Games on. Hes a big Yankees fan.
22(7) Rested. Pain=3.
(2) B!tch!
(6) Rested. Showered. Kick ass scar. Almost finished Intro to IFS Model by R. Schwartz. On exiling emotions, he writes: Think about times in your life when you felt humiliated, grief stricken, terrified
(5) NYC w/family. Funeral tomorrow. Glad I can be here. My aunt was a virtuous woman. RIP, tia! Thanks for the love, prayers & kindnesses you generously shared w/me & my family over my lifetime.
23(4) Angry thoughts. Disengage, disengage, disengage. May be medication. Ill be off this soon. I can manage the pain. Looking forward to working out again, too.
(5) Returning home. My cousin's mournful sobs were a beautiful tribute to his loving mother. Inspired to live more like she did.
(3) Took Percocet 10 min ago. Murderous anger ascending. Hello, dark side!
24(7) A good nights rest + journaling + productive + friends. But dancing put me over the top. Cant exercise yet, but I can move my feet.
(6) Day pocketed w/ very dark moments, but ends on a positive note. Going to take lead on an upcoming music project. Music to introduce the day. Ends with a fortissimo coda.
25(6) Feeling hopeful & positive, but had to wade through suffering to cross over to this shore. Often, I must walk toward- and not run from- the darkness to get to the light.
(7) Gettin' real. Facing life the way it is.
(7) I need suffering to temper my mind, to humble the ego, to transcend self-inflicted pain. This full acceptance, this march into darkness, is my path to detachment, to equanimity, to peace.
26(6) Abiding in the moment, with attention focused on what needs to be done now helps the Feel Good.
(6) Cool. Chillin'. K texted. Meetng Sun. See where this goes. Last time I saw her, we were on same flt. She was heading to a conference. Shes a surgeon. I was heading to CA. Nice connection.
27(7) Overslept, but needed it. Charnal ground meditation. Almost got in car accident, but driver in front was paying attention. We did a bit of a dance. I pulled into shoulder. Atta boy, whoever you are!
(9) Database training went well. Rehearsing for musical performance.
(10) Me & my music. Dont want to go to sleep. #Creation
28(8) 2am. Still creating. #inspired
(9) Looking forward2 the day: music, meditation, naps, dancing, exercise, maybe preliminary sketches for art project. Counting my blessings, pursuing what I love, 100% immersed in what sustains creativity
(7) Pitiful ego makes a semblance of power & show of strength. It consistently fails us. Yet we heed it, pledging allegiance to it. Any challenege to its authority reveals its vulnerabilities. #clearEyed
(8) Music production most of the day. Stopping only to eat. Should balance w/exercise & meditation. #Addict.
(9) A wonderful day of creativity, expression & tireless effort. Awesome!
(8) Asubha. Contemplating the death of the body. Meditating on the stages of decomposition. Seeing aunt's corpse was reminder of brevity. I've seen many corpses. Sat by loved ones taking final breaths.
29(5) Graphic & disturbing promotional videos- purportedly ISIS. As an amateur videographer, I was impressed with the artistry & quality, but the content- killing people- was obscene. Killers amongst us. :(
(8) A fantastic weekend! Musical sets ready for Tue. Taking a break to meet K for dinner. Need to retire to bed early though. Worked all day Fri/Sat til 2/3am respectively w/ only 10 min breaks to eat.
(9) Date w/ K & the synergy was amazing. She does IFS, knows NVC, meditates. Shes an oncologist, taught @ Harvard, authored books... and wants to spend more time w/me. Looking forward to seeing her again.
30(6) Very productive. But definitely not at my best. Pushed myself too hard this weekend. Needing rest. Still, mood is positive. Grateful.31(4) Disappointed with myself. Looked at porn. Ugh! That was stupid! Ashamed.
(6) The audience loved the set, but Im a perfectionist. Could've been better. @ Drs office for post op. Surgeon did a great job! Grant proposal due today. Busy.
(8) Submitted grant. Got 2 emails on this mornings set and lots of kudos. Tight.
November
MTWTFSS
  1(8) My mentor & I were invited to present 2 faculty... plus sent out invite 4 dance performance- my next project. This is going to be fun... and why not? Life has enough fking misery. Lets dance!
(8) A good day. Feels like so much is falling into place. Im more aligned with my values and am acting as if... and feeling as if all were as it should be such that it comes into being because it should.
2No Reasons3(7) Day begins w/guided meditation (Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche). Tibetan old-school. Intention setting. Dialing into the right emotional frequency is important. Music @work. Took son 2urgent care
(7) Live coding. Teaching Sonic Pi. Fun!
4(6) She's very attached to her storyline. Even though it is one of self-pity, self-loathing & self-criticism, it is familiar to her. Her woe brings her comfort. Shes boxed herself in. But door is open.
(7) Morning w/friends. Training empathy. Nap. I sooo needed that. W/children.
(5) Just thinking about the X makes the top lip curl up in disgust
5(5) ...because there's comedy.
6(5) Good nights rest. 20 m meditation, then journaling. Probably not good to add that to morning routine. Now Im agitated.
(8) Met w/chief of police for coffee. He asked if Id be willing to train recruits. Im in. Afternoon, I consulted a medium this woman told me about. Spot on about quite a few personal matters. Intrigued.
7(7) Good night's rest. Grounding meditation. Mindful. Sitting, Im aware Im sitting. Present. Doesnt everyone do that? No, while sitting our minds may be lost in thought, unaware of the weight of body in
(9) ...when you wake up feeling like a bad muthaf*! Hehe. Like all states, this, too, is transient. Haha. I may feel weak & aimless after a low front moves in. But that, too, shall pass. 4now, POWERFUL!
(8) Reviewed recording with medium. Of 116 statements, 65% were accurate, 16% were off, 19% unsure. Of the 65% most were eerily accurate. eg. that I meditate, that I was fasting on a mtn in AZ,
8(8) I get triggered when I hear: 'Everything happens for a reason' or 'It will all work out.' So, I've embraced this horse$h!t & wear an attitude of f*k it! Im passing this on to you. #hotPotatoBitches
(7) Goofy mind. Creates a worrisome image and reacts to the illusion. Then the event comes- nothing like the illusion. Abiding in the present. Im sexy! That was random. Goofy mind.
9(7) 2018: Close on house. Mexico- 10 day silent meditation retreat; Cuba: bata drums, guayaberas y rumba; Peru: Macchu Picchu & retreat w/shamans, Aruba to write... Let's do it!
(9) Prof dev went well! Very satisfied. Very fulfilled. Very rewarding. Met my meeds for contribution, authenticity, safety, love. K was there, too. A plus.
(9) Indoctrinating children w/ animation on the life of Jesus. Prayers before bedtime. Blessed One, protect my little ones. Abide with them. May they practice what you taught-love, compassion, forgiveness
10(6) 3am. Rain falls. Beautiful. Been awake since 130. My littlest one is sick. Standing vigil. Motrin & ice packs, prayer & monitoring. Fever has come down.
(6) My baby wakes me us: 'Dad, can I have some icecream? You have dots on the back of you head. Here. Here. Here. Here. Daddy, can I see your scar? Yickity yack. Yickity yack. Guess she's feeling better.
(5) Tired & irritable. But sons are with their friends. Dropped off oldest; youngest is with me and a friend. Theyre happy, engaged in play, building connections.
(2) Those tiny sparks of irritation kindled into a fire of anger that still rages. X's bf- Ponytail- posted photos of her on FB. She gambled our marriage & family away 4 a relationship that wont last.
(1) Make that a 1
(6) Me & my anger sat down to write. I'm on chapter 6. I'm going to publish this $h!t. Resilient bad assedness. I love this mind; I trained it to be obedient! I celebrate mental toughness & strength!
11(7) Lucid dreaming. 3am wake up. Writing. Inspired.
(7) Woke up with anger mumbling beside me, 'That b!tch!' You need a hug, Anger. Spent the morning writing. How does this sound, Anger? 'Yeah, say that.' I love that monster! His name is Whiskers.
(6) Break from writing. Yoga. Shadowboxing. Working abs. Lunch. Meditation. Replace spark plugs. Write. Friend visiting for dinner.
(8) Mechanic asking $180 to change spark plugs. DIY $55. Saving money for trip to Peru in March. $125 goes in the pot.
(8) Dinner with friend. Uplifting.
(7) We create our own reality and live it according to our inner beliefs. It is so important to understand this and to choose our thoughts carefully, to accept responsibility for what we think.
12(7) 2am wake up. Using this time to explore consciousness. Really, what do we know about this? What do we know about that magic that animates us? Know thyself, but we assume we already do. This is not so.
(5) Went for a walk, then breakfast w/K. We have so much in common, but my heart still longs for my beautiful X. Sigh.
13(5) 1am wake up. Dreamt I was a soldier again. Disciplined for an infraction, but innocent. NCOIC was a bully. Went too far, so I put him in a choke hold. He tried 2 fight bk, but he was my prey. Wouldnt
(7) Raindrops plop in puddle sending out small ripples. Miracles just outside my window.
(6) Dinner w/K. I enjoy her company, but something doesn't feel right. Take it slow, Love.
(8) Writing.
14(7) Ran into S. The cancer is spreading. Shes fighting, but losing. Spoke to her about exp w/medium. This is not the end imho. I asked her how that landed. Words gave her hope & something to think about.
(8) The spirit is waxing strong.
(8) Me: Hope your day was magical. K: Worked 9-2. Took out cancer. Me: Of the countless ways we could use a day, saving a life seems the most rewarding.
15(8) I greet the trees. They are living beings with an evolutionary head start of millions of years. We search the solar system for life. These majestic forms stand vigil.
(8) Inspired colleagues to begin thinking of ways to integrate more dance into curricula & take to the stage themselves. Lots of excitement. #leadership
16(6) Tired. Under the weather, but mood is good. Soup for breakfast & an herbal tea. Will make it a mindfulness practice: lifting, sipping, chewing, swallowing... Taking day off to rest + son is ill.
(8) 2+ hour nap. Many vivid dreams: a young Kennedy was running for office, the X wanted to move back in, cockroach in the cupboard, super long meetings, best friend from hs lived in adjacent town, etc.
(5) A good 5. Flat, but ready for bed. Maybe flat is a good state to be in prior to sleep. To be excited wouldnt be.
17(8) Dreamt I had a pet hippo. Meditation, yoga, setting intentions for day. Gurdjieff: 'Man has no individuality. He has no single, big 'I'.' Many minds, one self. D.S.
(5) Flat, but ok with that.
18(8) Before going to sleep, I decide on an intention, a problem to work on, a goal. During sleep, creative mind begins its work @ deeper, subconscious levels of mind.
(6) Morning w/friends. Spent some time w/K. Good to give & receive empathy w/ someone skillful in giving & receiving. I need someone like her in my life right now. Grateful. Neg: less $ coming in.
19(7) 1h meditation. Delicious. Yoga afer breakfast. Havent worked out since surgery. Giving body opp to recover and heal. Begin srength training in December.
(6) To catch a fish, a man must know the way of the fish. What does it eat?What environmental conditions does it prefer? etc. To catch a woman, a man must study his woman. Heart of a dove, mind of a snake
(7) Confidence is an aphrodisiac. Embodying yang, attracting yin. Celebrating the power of inner strength.
20(7) 4am wake up. 1h meditation then 30m yoga. Reviewed goals. Grounded. Strong. Told K a woman would be happier surrendering her yin to yang- assuming he was on purpose. Shes a surgeon & a powerful woman.
(6) A good day. Time for the conscious mind to unravel. Time for the imagination to voyage to dreamland.
21(8) Thinking creates an illusion of identity that is false & constricted. We need an 'identity' to function in this world, but to cling to the belief that what we think is who we are is delusional.
(8) If this gambit works, Ill earn a few extra g's per month. #Hustling
22(8) Sketching mural of jc on wall. Looks like sale will go through. Extending closing date to spring. Going to turn house into art. Stained glass windows, custom woodwrk n shit. #creativePurchaseAgreement23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
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