5.2 avg
  1578 days
  20487 hugs
  224 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(4) for the last 3 years I've been telling myself it will be better from January 1st. turned out to be worse. so again I will tell myself; the only way to go is up2No Reasons3(6) okayish. told colleagues about therapy from next week on. they were so supportive
(5) feel like dating. too bad I never meet someone
4(6) These last 5 days I haven't been thinking about dying all the time. I've been okay. Just can't seem to discover what the cause is.5No Reasons6(8) I had a really nice date. Talked about meeting again.
(5) Had 3 wine last night and at least 5 glasses of water in between but this headache is killing me. Feels like my body can't handle alcohol anymore. I can't stop thinking about date
7(6) okay weekend. managed to go for a run today and spent time with friends. I really hope to see my date soon.
8(5) I don't want to push things but I'm still nervous bout dating en stuff. Even though he said he would like to see me again. I hope I don't make the same mistakes again.
(6) Starting my 6 weeks 'diagnostic part-time therapy' tomorrow. ready for it.
9No Reasons10(5) Loving the updated MP app; thanks chiefs!! Okay day. Bit tired though.11(6) yesterday was our second date. we went to an Australian restaurant. nice food and cosy place. bought him a book in return. 2nd day of therapy was long. 4 groupsessions.12(5) First week of work and therapy behind me. Must admit I'm pretty tired. A lot to reflect on.13No Reasons14(7) Nice weekend with gym, friends, cat and books. Date came for dinner. Made him a Dutch meal.
15(6) Manager at work said i looked energetic. I think I'm doing okay. Not good yet but very okay. Got a nice rhythm with work/gym/therapy and social life.16No Reasons17No Reasons18(5) Therapy. Touched by sadness. Drama and crisisintervention ahead. Cognitive and creative therapy done.
(4) Feeling sad after an intense day. Negative thoughts are popping up like mushrooms. Like date doesn't wanna meet me while he said Sunday he does. But he's going away for a trip and has ppl staying over
19(4) Therapy done for this week. It was quite intense. We're a small group and we're willing to share. Next week 2 new ppl are added to our group. Interesting to observe how our group will respond.20(5) Feeling very tired all of a sudden. Insecure about date. He's on a trip and doesn't text me but it's the same as when he's in town so I guess I'm just overreacting. Need to stop this21No Reasons
22(4) feeling empty and sad.23(4) Therapy was rough again. Had this 'systeemgesprek', in which they talk to a relative or friend about me and my behaviour. Brought my best friend. She's really supportive. Happy with her. Also sad that24(4) Psychiatrist wants me to quit my ADS cause I've been taking them for more then 10 years and I can't really seem to experience any effect. So I'm lowering my dose already. Head feels heavy.25(6) A 6 because therapists told me that I can be really proud of myself for working so hard today. Went for a run afterwards to clear my head.26No Reasons27(5) not feeling very well, just really tired. guess it's from quitting antidepressants and therapy in combination with work. after one year I've finally bought myself decent lamps. now I need someone to28(6) Pilates, lunch with friend and some cleaning.
29No Reasons30(4) sad31(4) stayed at home from work cause told my manager therapy and work is too much atm. didn't do anything today except for sleeping. feeling guilty.
February
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2(3) sad
(5) diagnosed with personality disorder as I suspected. they said it was quite obvious and that it's just a confirmation of my own cry for help. options for further treatment are individual therapy or
3(5) Started lowering my second antidepressant after quitting the 1st. Paroxetine seems to be the hardest one ever so psychiatrist prescribed Fluoxetine so I can quit that one in the next 2 wks. Scared
(5) oh and havent seen date in 3 weeks cause he had this business trip, he had a fever for more then a week and now he's on another businesstrip. makes me very insecure. waiting to be rejected any day.
4No Reasons
5(3) withdrawals from quitting Ad's are horrible. Feeling like a zombie. Nausea, trembling, sweating etc. Was awake at 5 this morning.6(2) Told therapists I'm done with it. There's no cure for this. I am better off dead.
(6) Love of my life https://www.instagram.com/p/Be3FeCDH6pw/
7(4) Ex called me by mistake he said. Then texted me how I was doing. Went right into my own trap of selhate. Told him i still feel like *** and I hope that he's still happy about leaving me to rot.8(4) Still sick from withdrawals. Psychiatrist told me that this was probably the worst week and it will get better. Really hope so! Not very supportive on you guys, will make it up! Thanks for support xox9(3) Miserable and sick. Physical and mental.10No Reasons11(4) went to this symposium about euthanasia and psychiatric patients. really helpful to talk with ppl about death. the pain psychiatric patients deal with is shocking.
12(3) Wish I could go to the store and hand in my life. Don't really feel depressed just done with life. It's nothing for me. I don't want it anymore. Has no use.13(3) bad night's sleep including many nightmares. having my period. still sick from withdrawals (or it's the flu) and massive headache. #lovinglife
(2) think date has blocked me on whatsapp? dont see his profile picture anymore and messages won't come thru. asked him what's up. he can be honest I guess.
14(4) still sick. sad about date. don't understand why he stppd talking to me all of a sudden. maybe he has a good reason but it would be nice if i knew too. thought this time would be different. guess not.15(4) Stomach still upset. Going to see dr tomorrow. Tomorrow is the last day of my 6 week therapy as well. Weird.16(4) Emotional. Said goodbye to ppl at theray. Received lovely words. I feel empty. Can't receive those words yet. Just want it all to be over. Instead 6 months of waiting ahead for personality treatment.17(5) Had an okay day until I thought bout date.18(2) asked ex what's wrong with me that no-one wants to be with me. how long do I need to keep on trying to open up for someone just to be left out again?
19(5) back at work full-time after being there once a week for the last 6 weeks.. weird but okay. had a decent day. bit anxious. need to stop drinking coffee. sleeping without meds.20(5) Had a lot of fun with colleagues today but also realised I was making jokes about myself and now I feel stupid. The 'why is a pretty woman like you still single' question is always around me.21(5) 5.5 / Had a lot of psychological tests today. Will get the results in a month or so. Therapist says it can help me choose which kind of therapy I want. Walked a lot today and went for a little run.22(7) It's cold outside but my city looks beautiful. Had coffee in a bookcafe, bought a 'delayed coffee' at this cafe for someone who's homeless. Talked to a student for her thesis and gave her my e-mail23No Reasons24(5) feeling a bit weird today. a light feeling in my head.. went to the gym today and met with friend which was nice but it feels like panic is here soon.25No Reasons
26(5) Date never talked to me again and probably did block me on WhatsApp. Guess it's his loss. Need to let go of trying to understand his action (s) and focus on me instead. Difficult.
(2) Better off alone.
27No Reasons28(5) Went to see doctor about my sickness and stuff. Talked about life. Visit to hospital to my best friends mum. Very sad to see her like this.
March
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2No Reasons3(5) surprise dinner for friend in fancy restaurant. afterwards we went to a party and I felt ugly as always. is this the way I'm supposed to meet a partner ? so depressing4(3) Had 2 dates with someone but it's not going to work. think I'm not able to likensomeone don't know. will be lonely forever. gonna stop trying
5No Reasons6(5) busy at work. not stressed but not at ease either.7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons10(4) anxious. maybe it's the coffee and cola? no alcohol..11No Reasons
12(4) Anxiety is rising last few days. Feels like I'm going to collapse soon. Can't seem to look more then a few days ahead.13(5) Okay14(6) 8k run since a long time. Happy I'm still able to run a bit.15No Reasons16No Reasons17(6) Think I'm doing okay. Bit anxious need to stop drinking coffee.18(6) Going to Brugge (Bruges) today.
(5) Bruges is beautiful but this cold is terrible. Couldn't feel my fingers and toes anymore. Guess they call it 'winterhands'. Very painful.
19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Okay day. Visit to physiotherapist and doctor. Seems to be allright. Short on vitamines B and D so I need tot take extra.22(6) Went to hairdresser and after she blow dried it I had curls and it made me feel pretty:)23(6) Datenight!
(4) Feels like I can't connect with ppl especially men
24(4) Anxiety high maybe from coffee. At home by myself not feeling well.25(5) Cancelled Pilates and now I'm angry at myself but I've been to the gym 3 times this week already so it's nonsense but still I'm angry.
26(5) Reading in bed.27No Reasons28(3) Now my only hope on a decent goodbye is gone thanks to justice. Just let ppl decide about their own life and death.
(5) 7 k run while it was raining. Quite fun. Dinner with friends afterwards. Had lambstew
29(5) https://www.rtvutrecht.nl/nieuws/1746318/ guess you won't understand this article but it's about 2 pandas in one of our national zoos. They are preparing them to mate. It's hilarious.30(4) I don't want to live another 60 years. Barely surviving the days.31(4) Pilates. Vegan Easterbrunch in Amsterdam. Not happy at all. Feels like everything is slipping away. Luckily I can hide while reading.
April
MTWTFSS
      1(2) Had the worst panic attack. Afraid of my own thoughts. They told me to hurt myself or cat. It was terrifying. Called my parents. Didn't know who else to call. Really anxious and afraid of the day.
2(2) Anxious to go home and afraid of more panic attacks. I've survived this before but it feels soo lonely and I don't know who to call and I need to be at work tomorrow again. Feeling like a lost child.3(3) Living on Clonazepam. Well. 0.75 mg a day isn't the end of the world I guess. Ironic that the anxiety of a possible anxietu attack is worse then anxiety itself. Distracting myself by reading now.4(3) Appt at psychiatrist. Starting low dose of Ad's again to control the anxiety until therapy starts.5No Reasons6(3) Hopefully this feeling passes. Anxiety is hell.7No Reasons8(2) Anxiety got worse. At parents again. Afraid I will lose my mind
(2) And my cat is all by herself. Maybe she needs a better owner. One who isn't afraid to be at home.
(2) It's just the side effects I hope. Can't cope with this anymore.
9(3) Feeling bit better I guess. Called in sick. Still at parents. Wednesday appt with psychiatrist and nurse. Tired from my own thoughts10(2) This morning alright when I was cleaning at my place with my mom. When I needed to leave anxious again. And nauseous.11(3) Feeling worse. Gonna ask psychiatrist if this is normal..12(2) This morning I told myself i want to live. Let's see if I can act like that.
(3) Psychiatrist wants me to be admitted but ofcourse there's no space.. so I'll just need to give it another shot at my parents place. lots of other ppl struggling I guess. Luckily i have my parents
(5) Thanks for all your support dear friends. Means a lot ??
13(2) Not feeling well. Mind is constantly telling me I can't make it on my own. Afraid to go home but I need to try otherwise it will be a bigger and bigger thing every day. And I'm strong.14(4) At home. I CAN DO THIS.15(5) Had a fairly good night's rest - at home, alone. Cat was constantly next to me. Guess she missed me ?.
16(4) Anxious at trainstation. Can't handle trains atm. They trigger my thoughts.17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(3) Been feeling weird as if I'm living in a dreamworld. Maybe it's the meds. I don't know. Not coping at all.28No Reasons29(5) Managed to travel by train (very crowded!) and visit footballgame after 4 weeks of anxiety. Took 1 oxazepam.
30No Reasons
May
MTWTFSS
 1(6) May 1st 2013 I posted: '8: had a lovely dinner with my bf'. A lot of ups and down followed but I'm still here and this is my fifth pandaversary. Thank you all ??
(6) In bed watching my cat trying to catch a fly. She jumped from bed onto wardrobe. Old woman is still in shape! Good day. 2.5hour at gym. Coffee with friend / made someone dinner and had icecream.
2(3) My psychiatrist is such an **** this is the 5th time he promised me to inform me about the waitinglist for therapy BUT he handed me this postit with someone's name on it and i should call myself. ITS3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(2) Ended in crisisward after taking 100+ pills but I'm still here.
7No Reasons8(1) Thanks for all your support and kind words. Im not in a good place but my friends and parents take good care of me. Blessed with them. Big hugs to you all
(3) Still on waitinglist for acute/immediate therapy. Intake next week. Need to hold on. Talking about meds tomorrow. Anxious / restless feeling stays.
9(5) First morning on my own since crisis. An hour walk with my parents dog. Lovely weather.10(4) Stayed at friends place. Brunch with 5 friends. Travel by train. Art exhibition. Now tired at parents. Missing my cat.11(3) Tired headache and mind that's racing12No Reasons13No Reasons
14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons
21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons
28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31(4) Sorry I haven't been around much. I hope you've been doing well! I have been working on daily routines. Starting 2 week crisismanagement next week. Will be sleeping there as well.
August
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2No Reasons3(5) No plans for this weekend cause my friends are all occupied. Bit worried I'm going to feel lonely and down.4(5) On Clomipramine (Anafranil) for 6 weeks now. Think I'm feeling more balanced but I'm constantly hungry. Hate that.5(5) Had 2 bars of chocolate and 6 ice creams this weekend. I'm such a pig.
6(4) Had a tough day. Maybe AD s are kicking in?7No Reasons8No Reasons9(4) Sad. Feels like I can't connect with people and friends. Lonely. Wish this life is over soon10No Reasons11No Reasons12(4) It feels like I can't enjoy things. Even my favourite hobby; seeing Ajax play was a disaster last night. All I wanted to do was sleep. My mood is going downhill fast.
13No Reasons14No Reasons15(5) Tired. Mood is very low. Feels like this dark cloud is always around me whatever I do.
(4) Talked with nurse about my mood. she says well, in the phase you're going through your mood is gonna be low. But you're on the waiting list for therapy so things will get better soon.
16(4) Another dream of being together with someone. Another thing that is never gonna happen.17(5) My nights used to be good but since a month or so I wake up every hour. Weird. Sleeping tablets won't help.18(5) Had a fun day with my niece and mom. But now I just feel lonely. Dating apps are not going to make me feel better but I'm not going out either and don't want to be alone rest of my (short) life19(6) Turned 32 today. So old. ?
20(5) Another dream about being in a relationship ?. This is getting ridiculous. Touched by a friends gift: she handed me this little book with stories about animals and comfort.21(5) Running class last night..today Pilates stretch and bodypump. Getting back in shape.22(4) Feeling lonely. Maybe it's because I'm reading 'Eleanor Oliphant' and it makes me sad.23(5) Headache and feeling lonely
(5) I've had 2 compliments about my looks today by a friend and my manager. Weird how I apparently look good but feel completely numb /sad / lonely at the same time
24(6) 55 min run. I can do better then my mind tells me I can
(3) WishI could disappear. With 5 other ppl but never felt so lonely
25(1) Can this stop please. Im so done with this life26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons
September
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2(2) Today I realised I'm longing for contact and a relationship to full up my emptiness. That is never going to happen. So why should I keep on trying? It's useless. Last Sunday evening I was so happy now
3(3) Sad. Can't see any light. Dark all around me. Wish I could just sleep and never wake up.
(3) Messaged ex again. I only do that when I'm really low. Another signal. Yay.
4(3) Still sad..it's getting worse. Feeling hopeless.
(3) Not in a good place. Friends are worried. Gonna call psychiatric departement to see If I can stay over a few days
5(2) When you ask for professional help and no one is answering their phone. Good for my trust in healthcare.6(3) Guess he didn't like it as much as I did. Feeling used. Gonna stay at psychiatric ward a few days from Sunday. Dont know how to survive.7No Reasons8No Reasons9(4) Going to psychiatric institution tonight. Feeling lost. Longing for connection with something or someone.
10No Reasons11(3) Sad but I won't allow myself to be sad. They say I push myself too much. Work / running / starting clinical therapy soon. I don't know..I just want to be better.12(5) Back home now. Need to make a plan to get more rest. Maybe work a little less. Will talk to company's doctor Friday.13No Reasons14No Reasons15(3) Sad. Football didn't cheer me up. Wanna disappear.16No Reasons
17(4) Meh. Went to bed early last night but it didn't help. Having a major headache today while drinking a lot of water and taking it easy. Go away headache.18(3) Supposed to get clinical therapy in Nov or so. Now it's gonna be Dec or even later. I'm so fed up with waiting. Psychiatrist didn't call me as he promised. AGAIN. Is this a kind of technique? To see19(4) Cancelled football. Didn't feel well. Anxious to be surrounded by 50.000 men. Bad sign that I cancel the thing that I love most. Body feels tired though. Cancelled run as well.20No Reasons21(5) Bit nervous provably from too much coffee. I just can't stop drinking it. Had a nice conversation with spiritual caregiver (the masters degree i have myself). Need to stop ignoring emotions.22No Reasons23(5) Yesterday was a good day. Gym, friend, wine tasting and dinner at restaurant. I was tipsy after only 6 sips of wine ?. Feeling hungover.
24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28(5) Pretty tired after 5 days of work and meeting friends and colleagues. At least time passes quickly. Watching Ozark.29(3) Had a beer all by myself. Shameful. Not good with men. End up all alone30(6) 90 min run. First time ever! ?