5.2 avg
  1524 days
  19954 hugs
  219 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(4) for the last 3 years I've been telling myself it will be better from January 1st. turned out to be worse. so again I will tell myself; the only way to go is up2No Reasons3(6) okayish. told colleagues about therapy from next week on. they were so supportive
(5) feel like dating. too bad I never meet someone
4(6) These last 5 days I haven't been thinking about dying all the time. I've been okay. Just can't seem to discover what the cause is.5No Reasons6(8) I had a really nice date. Talked about meeting again.
(5) Had 3 wine last night and at least 5 glasses of water in between but this headache is killing me. Feels like my body can't handle alcohol anymore. I can't stop thinking about date
7(6) okay weekend. managed to go for a run today and spent time with friends. I really hope to see my date soon.
8(5) I don't want to push things but I'm still nervous bout dating en stuff. Even though he said he would like to see me again. I hope I don't make the same mistakes again.
(6) Starting my 6 weeks 'diagnostic part-time therapy' tomorrow. ready for it.
9No Reasons10(5) Loving the updated MP app; thanks chiefs!! Okay day. Bit tired though.11(6) yesterday was our second date. we went to an Australian restaurant. nice food and cosy place. bought him a book in return. 2nd day of therapy was long. 4 groupsessions.12(5) First week of work and therapy behind me. Must admit I'm pretty tired. A lot to reflect on.13No Reasons14(7) Nice weekend with gym, friends, cat and books. Date came for dinner. Made him a Dutch meal.
15(6) Manager at work said i looked energetic. I think I'm doing okay. Not good yet but very okay. Got a nice rhythm with work/gym/therapy and social life.16No Reasons17No Reasons18(5) Therapy. Touched by sadness. Drama and crisisintervention ahead. Cognitive and creative therapy done.
(4) Feeling sad after an intense day. Negative thoughts are popping up like mushrooms. Like date doesn't wanna meet me while he said Sunday he does. But he's going away for a trip and has ppl staying over
19(4) Therapy done for this week. It was quite intense. We're a small group and we're willing to share. Next week 2 new ppl are added to our group. Interesting to observe how our group will respond.20(5) Feeling very tired all of a sudden. Insecure about date. He's on a trip and doesn't text me but it's the same as when he's in town so I guess I'm just overreacting. Need to stop this21No Reasons
22(4) feeling empty and sad.23(4) Therapy was rough again. Had this 'systeemgesprek', in which they talk to a relative or friend about me and my behaviour. Brought my best friend. She's really supportive. Happy with her. Also sad that24(4) Psychiatrist wants me to quit my ADS cause I've been taking them for more then 10 years and I can't really seem to experience any effect. So I'm lowering my dose already. Head feels heavy.25(6) A 6 because therapists told me that I can be really proud of myself for working so hard today. Went for a run afterwards to clear my head.26No Reasons27(5) not feeling very well, just really tired. guess it's from quitting antidepressants and therapy in combination with work. after one year I've finally bought myself decent lamps. now I need someone to28(6) Pilates, lunch with friend and some cleaning.
29No Reasons30(4) sad31(4) stayed at home from work cause told my manager therapy and work is too much atm. didn't do anything today except for sleeping. feeling guilty.
February
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2(3) sad
(5) diagnosed with personality disorder as I suspected. they said it was quite obvious and that it's just a confirmation of my own cry for help. options for further treatment are individual therapy or
3(5) Started lowering my second antidepressant after quitting the 1st. Paroxetine seems to be the hardest one ever so psychiatrist prescribed Fluoxetine so I can quit that one in the next 2 wks. Scared
(5) oh and havent seen date in 3 weeks cause he had this business trip, he had a fever for more then a week and now he's on another businesstrip. makes me very insecure. waiting to be rejected any day.
4No Reasons
5(3) withdrawals from quitting Ad's are horrible. Feeling like a zombie. Nausea, trembling, sweating etc. Was awake at 5 this morning.6(2) Told therapists I'm done with it. There's no cure for this. I am better off dead.
(6) Love of my life https://www.instagram.com/p/Be3FeCDH6pw/
7(4) Ex called me by mistake he said. Then texted me how I was doing. Went right into my own trap of selhate. Told him i still feel like *** and I hope that he's still happy about leaving me to rot.8(4) Still sick from withdrawals. Psychiatrist told me that this was probably the worst week and it will get better. Really hope so! Not very supportive on you guys, will make it up! Thanks for support xox9(3) Miserable and sick. Physical and mental.10No Reasons11(4) went to this symposium about euthanasia and psychiatric patients. really helpful to talk with ppl about death. the pain psychiatric patients deal with is shocking.
12(3) Wish I could go to the store and hand in my life. Don't really feel depressed just done with life. It's nothing for me. I don't want it anymore. Has no use.13(3) bad night's sleep including many nightmares. having my period. still sick from withdrawals (or it's the flu) and massive headache. #lovinglife
(2) think date has blocked me on whatsapp? dont see his profile picture anymore and messages won't come thru. asked him what's up. he can be honest I guess.
14(4) still sick. sad about date. don't understand why he stppd talking to me all of a sudden. maybe he has a good reason but it would be nice if i knew too. thought this time would be different. guess not.15(4) Stomach still upset. Going to see dr tomorrow. Tomorrow is the last day of my 6 week therapy as well. Weird.16(4) Emotional. Said goodbye to ppl at theray. Received lovely words. I feel empty. Can't receive those words yet. Just want it all to be over. Instead 6 months of waiting ahead for personality treatment.17(5) Had an okay day until I thought bout date.18(2) asked ex what's wrong with me that no-one wants to be with me. how long do I need to keep on trying to open up for someone just to be left out again?
19(5) back at work full-time after being there once a week for the last 6 weeks.. weird but okay. had a decent day. bit anxious. need to stop drinking coffee. sleeping without meds.20(5) Had a lot of fun with colleagues today but also realised I was making jokes about myself and now I feel stupid. The 'why is a pretty woman like you still single' question is always around me.21(5) 5.5 / Had a lot of psychological tests today. Will get the results in a month or so. Therapist says it can help me choose which kind of therapy I want. Walked a lot today and went for a little run.22(7) It's cold outside but my city looks beautiful. Had coffee in a bookcafe, bought a 'delayed coffee' at this cafe for someone who's homeless. Talked to a student for her thesis and gave her my e-mail23No Reasons24(5) feeling a bit weird today. a light feeling in my head.. went to the gym today and met with friend which was nice but it feels like panic is here soon.25No Reasons
26(5) Date never talked to me again and probably did block me on WhatsApp. Guess it's his loss. Need to let go of trying to understand his action (s) and focus on me instead. Difficult.
(2) Better off alone.
27No Reasons28(5) Went to see doctor about my sickness and stuff. Talked about life. Visit to hospital to my best friends mum. Very sad to see her like this.
March
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2No Reasons3(5) surprise dinner for friend in fancy restaurant. afterwards we went to a party and I felt ugly as always. is this the way I'm supposed to meet a partner ? so depressing4(3) Had 2 dates with someone but it's not going to work. think I'm not able to likensomeone don't know. will be lonely forever. gonna stop trying
5No Reasons6(5) busy at work. not stressed but not at ease either.7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons10(4) anxious. maybe it's the coffee and cola? no alcohol..11No Reasons
12(4) Anxiety is rising last few days. Feels like I'm going to collapse soon. Can't seem to look more then a few days ahead.13(5) Okay14(6) 8k run since a long time. Happy I'm still able to run a bit.15No Reasons16No Reasons17(6) Think I'm doing okay. Bit anxious need to stop drinking coffee.18(6) Going to Brugge (Bruges) today.
(5) Bruges is beautiful but this cold is terrible. Couldn't feel my fingers and toes anymore. Guess they call it 'winterhands'. Very painful.
19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Okay day. Visit to physiotherapist and doctor. Seems to be allright. Short on vitamines B and D so I need tot take extra.22(6) Went to hairdresser and after she blow dried it I had curls and it made me feel pretty:)23(6) Datenight!
(4) Feels like I can't connect with ppl especially men
24(4) Anxiety high maybe from coffee. At home by myself not feeling well.25(5) Cancelled Pilates and now I'm angry at myself but I've been to the gym 3 times this week already so it's nonsense but still I'm angry.
26(5) Reading in bed.27No Reasons28(3) Now my only hope on a decent goodbye is gone thanks to justice. Just let ppl decide about their own life and death.
(5) 7 k run while it was raining. Quite fun. Dinner with friends afterwards. Had lambstew
29(5) https://www.rtvutrecht.nl/nieuws/1746318/ guess you won't understand this article but it's about 2 pandas in one of our national zoos. They are preparing them to mate. It's hilarious.30(4) I don't want to live another 60 years. Barely surviving the days.31(4) Pilates. Vegan Easterbrunch in Amsterdam. Not happy at all. Feels like everything is slipping away. Luckily I can hide while reading.
April
MTWTFSS
      1(2) Had the worst panic attack. Afraid of my own thoughts. They told me to hurt myself or cat. It was terrifying. Called my parents. Didn't know who else to call. Really anxious and afraid of the day.
2(2) Anxious to go home and afraid of more panic attacks. I've survived this before but it feels soo lonely and I don't know who to call and I need to be at work tomorrow again. Feeling like a lost child.3(3) Living on Clonazepam. Well. 0.75 mg a day isn't the end of the world I guess. Ironic that the anxiety of a possible anxietu attack is worse then anxiety itself. Distracting myself by reading now.4(3) Appt at psychiatrist. Starting low dose of Ad's again to control the anxiety until therapy starts.5No Reasons6(3) Hopefully this feeling passes. Anxiety is hell.7No Reasons8(2) Anxiety got worse. At parents again. Afraid I will lose my mind
(2) And my cat is all by herself. Maybe she needs a better owner. One who isn't afraid to be at home.
(2) It's just the side effects I hope. Can't cope with this anymore.
9(3) Feeling bit better I guess. Called in sick. Still at parents. Wednesday appt with psychiatrist and nurse. Tired from my own thoughts10(2) This morning alright when I was cleaning at my place with my mom. When I needed to leave anxious again. And nauseous.11(3) Feeling worse. Gonna ask psychiatrist if this is normal..12(2) This morning I told myself i want to live. Let's see if I can act like that.
(3) Psychiatrist wants me to be admitted but ofcourse there's no space.. so I'll just need to give it another shot at my parents place. lots of other ppl struggling I guess. Luckily i have my parents
(5) Thanks for all your support dear friends. Means a lot ??
13(2) Not feeling well. Mind is constantly telling me I can't make it on my own. Afraid to go home but I need to try otherwise it will be a bigger and bigger thing every day. And I'm strong.14(4) At home. I CAN DO THIS.15(5) Had a fairly good night's rest - at home, alone. Cat was constantly next to me. Guess she missed me ?.
16(4) Anxious at trainstation. Can't handle trains atm. They trigger my thoughts.17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons