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January
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Not a bad day. Cooked a nice meal last night and watched a movie and went to bed. Today, ran around the bay (13.5 miles, it's a tradition), then a few beers with a 'friend', now my radio show.
(4) I wanted to share this song because it fit me so well today and it's so beautiful, but no one cares on FB, and I'm trying to stay off it. I feel so alone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMiFPHWQ5Yw
2(4) Rough night's sleep, so struggling this morning. Made mistake of letting on to parents in email how low I've been and got the whole 'buck up' and 'pray on it' response. Sigh. Crappy second Monday.3(4) Been fighting a cold for a few days. Everyone at work is sick. It finally sunk in yesterday. Feeling bleary and gross today. Going to be a long day...4(5) Gonna give this morning a 5 despite the annoying cold. Good run last night. Leg still sore but maybe a bit better. Trying hard to stay off Facebook. Trying hard to be stronger in the new year.5(5) Cold really messing me up. Skipped my run this morning. Laid around and done very little, other than laundry and de-Christmasifying the house. Bored...6No Reasons
7(4) Almost no sleep last night due to this stupid cold. Called in sick today. Really don't want to spend another day on couch but head so bleary. Ugh. Have to run tonight too...8(5) Feeling a bit better today, though now I have a cough that hurts my throat. Dog hurt his paw yesterday and has me worried. I accidentally brushed it when wiping his paws off this AM. Aww :(9(4) Cold still nagging. Taking dog to vet this morning to see about his paw. Feeling stress and anxiety this morning...
(4) Poor dog. Have to leave him in a cone whenever I'm not with him (all day, all night). Have to soak his sore foot for 10 mins (right!). Have to keep him from being active. Ugh, I mean poor me!
10(4) Poor, pathetic dog trying to sleep in his cone last night, kept whining, wouldn't let me sleep. Bunch of snow last night and so cold today! Going to be a hard, long day.11(4) Beer dinner last night. Food and drink were good, but feeling very gross this morning. Part of it is how alone I felt. Didn't feel a part of these people, they're not my friends.12No Reasons13(5) Ran 6 miles yesterday, 5 this morning, all on icy trails, 15F both days. Super cold, my body not in the shape I was, lungs hurt from my cold. But felt good to move and get outside.
14(5) Not bad this morning. Feeling encouraged that leg doesn't hurt much after running Sat and Sun. Cold still nagging but better. Nice to see some improvement in things. Solid 5.5 today, I think.15(5) Last night's group run was nice. Extremely grateful my leg is feeling better. Ran 3 days in a row, and it's sore but not as bad as it was! Super cold again today. Poor night's sleep.16(4) Was so tired last night, radio show was a slog. Just wanted to sleep. Really anxious today, making me feel jittery and ill. Managed 3 miles on treadmill this morning. Ugh, feel like it's a rough day.17(5) I've been so tired in the evenings this week. Last night, just wanted to relax, and dog was frantic. Exhausting. But feeling ok this morning. Run tonight and hopefully with people Saturday morning...18(5) Cold run last night. Struggling to get my miles back up again; feeling behind on training already! And January is barely 1/2 over. Big storm coming this weekend. Gonna be a lot of shoveling. Tired.19No Reasons20(5) Relaxing weekend. Tough run in the snow Saturday morning, then groceries, and haven't left the house since. Nearly 2 feet of snow. Didn't do much, just watched TV. Tomorrow off too. Quiet weekend.
21No Reasons22(5) Relaxing 3-day weekend. Tons of snow and super cold. Ran with my group last night for 2 measly miles. So bitterly cold! Trying to up treadmill. Loads of work stress to greet me today. sigh.23(5) Feeling pretty good physically this morning. Doing guided meditation on stress, and it said to think about the emotion behind stress. I think immediately of sadness or loneliness, but that's not...24(5) Work stress. This project went from me helping out to me responsible for everything. Trying to keep it in perspective, but that won't last long I'm sure. Rainy today, at least roads got clear.25(5) Cold, icy run last night. Ran with a nice woman who unfortunately left after. Oh well. Loads of work stuff today and this weekend. Frustrating. Really tired today...26No Reasons27No Reasons
28(4) Rough weekend. Yesterday, I felt so tired and out of it all day. Hardly did anything. Thought I was getting sick again, but feeling better today. It's been so cold and icy. Really tough 7 miles...29(4) Headache this morning, plus work stress. Last night's run was so cold and icy! Got annoyed when person I was talking to turned away to talk to someone else while I was talking. That drives me nuts!30(4) So tired during radio show last night. Barely got home from work and had dinner before had to go to show. Poor lonely dog. Going to be alone for big game this weekend. First time since college.31(5) Bitter cold today. -25F (-32C) wind chill. Not as bad as Midwest, though. Thankful for heat. Drive in was so chilling. Made healthy dinner last night but had terrible heartburn after.
February
MTWTFSS
    1(4) Still cold here, but up to 10F (-12C). Not looking fwd to the weekend really. Felt really lonely yesterday, mood got very low. Feb is a hard month for me (tho last year was warmer than March).2No Reasons3(6) Yesterday's 10-mile trail run in 15F weather was brutal. Today, ran 6 in 30F, and it was beautiful and felt great. Now over 40. Warm up is good for the soul! Lots to do that don't feel like doing...
(1) Fuck loneliness and needing people.
4(3) Last night was tough. Toughest time in a long time. I feel emotionally hung over this morning. Lots of bad thoughts. Slept horribly. Work stress builds. Going to be a rough day.5(4) Felt good to run in shorts last night and this morning, but weather will start getting cold again today. Group run last night was nice. Still feeling low and adrift.
(3) When I was in such a bad place Sunday, I texted an old friend, thinking he'd understand (even though we haven't talked in ages). He finally responded and was totally flippant. Not at all ...
6(3) Last week, talked to my neighbor (former friend) and had plans to watch game at a sports bar. He texted he was going to his gf's house instead and ditched me. That was last straw...7(4) Relaxing evening last night. Neighbor asked if I wanted to get dinner or beer, said no. I am not a friend of convenience, and I don't need him. Work stress is getting me down. Neck/shoulders sore...8(5) Run in the rain last night. Wasn't super social after, but glad I got out there. Nothing to do this weekend...Not really looking forward to the weekend (but glad not at work)...9(5) Wanted to run 12-14 miles, but it was brutally cold and so icy. Even my spikes weren't much help. Stopped at 9.5. Nothing to do rest of weekend. Waiting hours for car at shop. Boring.
(5) Haven't looked at my FB feed in a week (still use it for music and running groups). Happy I don't know what my 'friends' are doing.
10(5) Forced myself to go out and run this morning. Still so cold and icy, but at least Sun was out. Got another 6.5 trails for 36 miles this week. Gotta get those miles up! Now recovery beer!
11(3) Another crap end to the weekend. Found myself stuck in sadness and bitterness. So happy this time of year it gets dark early so I can go to bed and shut out everything. I hate being in this bad place.12(4) Working at home today to avoid icy commute (which didn't really happen). Actually have to do a lot of work. Ugh. Skipping radio show this week. Didn't prep for it, feeling a need to hibernate.13(4) Leg hurting this morning, only did 3 miles. Feeling really sluggish, and work anxiety high. Tired of winter and being cold all the time...14(4) Happy made-up-Hallmark holiday. I'm wearing all black today in protest. If anyone is lonely or needs someone, I'll be there any other day of the year. I hope I get chocolate somehow though...15(3) Really tough morning. Feeling anxious and sad and short on patience. Going to be a tough day... I don't know why I feel this way. Last night was...ok. Group run was meh...rough conditions...16No Reasons17(2) Another crappy weekend. Friday, I felt crappy emotionally, so I ate crappy food, and Saturday I felt crappy physically. A horrible run. Today is lonely. So cold out. Tired of everything being crappy.
18(5) Day off today. I really should be working this weekend. I have a presentation that has to be done tomorrow, and prob can't finish it tmrw. But I wanted the holiday. So didn't do much at all. Blah.19(4) Going to be a long, stressful day. Conference call from 9-5 with no clear indication of what I'm supposed to do, but I'm supposed to lead it! Come on... Hate this stuff.20(3) Yesterday was a long, tiring day. Felt ok this morning but couldn't do my run on the treadmill. Just couldn't. Already feeling like today is wasted, and I have so much work stuff to get done. Ugh.21(3) Another all-day client call that I have to lead. Should be easier than Tues but still stressful and exhausting. Then hurry home to let dog out before going to run. Poor dog all alone all day.
(3) Today sucked. Left work late so skipped my group run. Food and beer instead. Ugh. So tired and think I'm getting sick. 40 hours, and Monday was a holiday. Sigh.
22(3) Another poor night's sleep (weird dreams!), and fighting another cold now. Tons of work to do, so prob won't be able to leave work early. No plans this weekend. Don't feel like running or anything.23(3) Sick this morning with a cold so skipped running. Relaxed. Got stuff done around the house. Actively avoiding chores like groceries and cleaning. This week has sucked enough.24No Reasons
25(4) Crummy weekend. Didn't really do anything, including run. But feeling a bit better, and this week shouldn't be as stressful (I hope), though I have a lot to do.26(5) Headache this morning, and work stress building again. But ran a few miles last night with group (so cold and windy!), and a few treadmill miles this morning. Trying to get back at it.27(5) Went out for beers with my neighbor for first time in a long time. Wanted to remain aloof, to not need this friendship anymore since he clearly doesn't. But it felt like old times. It was fun...
(6) Just got approval at work to book a week in Florida. I didn't think I'd be able to go this year! So excited to have something to look forward to! Weather better be hot, dammit!
28(4) So tired this morning. Another 10 inches of snow yesterday. Have to run tonight in it. It's barely 20F. So tired of cold. And work demands are unrealistic...
March
MTWTFSS
    1(4) A year ago today, my neighbor and friend took her own life. My close friendship with her husband hasn't been the same. I think about her a lot, she was a lot like me I think.2No Reasons3No Reasons
4(3) Poor night's sleep. High anxiety last night and this morning. So tired of the relentless cold. Did nothing yesterday except eat crap, now feeling guilty and gross. Ugh.5(5) Very tired yesterday, but day ended up being alright. Cold run last night, then slept better (though lot of dreams). Looking forward to trip to Florida in a few weeks!6(5) Felt a sense of calm and peace yesterday evening. It was so pleasant, I wanted to just sit there and rest in it. A bit of anxiety again this morning. Snow is falling. It's so cold.7(4) Got my new phone yesterday, and it was a real pain to get it activated. So annoying. Feel very tired this morning, and anxiety is much higher. Work stress building again. Eager for week to be over.8(5) Good run last night, but boy was it cold! Ate too much after and didn't sleep great. Boss is away today, so hopefully easy-ish day. Another boring, lonely weekend ahead...9No Reasons10No Reasons
11(5) Ok weekend. Ate and drank too much. Didn't run yesterday but started packing for Florida. Feeling gross this morning and so tired. Work stress again.12(4) Was in a bad mood last night. The group run helped. But just felt like stupid little things were piling up. Checked weather in Florida for next week - after weeks of sun and heat, it's supposed...13(5) Relaxing Tuesday evening. Relishing those free evenings after 3 years of doing my radio show every Tuesday. Working at home today. Quiet, but have a lot of work stuff to get done.14(3) Feeling low today. Lonely, unhappy, lost, disappointed in myself. Also anxiety and stress. One leads to the other. Want this week to be over! Want to just feel better for a while...15(5) Scavenger hunt run yesterday evening was fun. Warmer temps yesterday helped. Come in to work, last day before vacation, and stress/anxiety rush back. Really need a good, relaxing week off...16No Reasons17(6) Not warm and sunny in Florida, but nice to be away. Slept in, had a nice big breakfast, 8 mile run, and going to listen to music/drink beer later. Trying to remind myself to really relax.
18(6) Went to a Florida park and took a glass-bottom boat ride. Sun came out, and it was beautiful for a while. Saw a gator real close. Had delicious ribs for dinner. Pretty nice day.19(6) Rainy, dreary day in Florida today. Did my run in the morning and hit a brewery this afternoon. Rather boring, but that's OK.20(6) Better weather today. Had some sun and warmer temps. Went to a local zoo, which was quite nice, and hit a few breweries. Tomorrow is airboat ride!21No Reasons22(6) Last day in Florida. Sat on the beach in the warm sunshine and enjoyed the pretty girls. Ate the best and freshest peel-and-eat shrimp. Enjoyed a beautiful day. Sorry to be going back to normal life.23No Reasons24(6) Milking today as a last day of vacation, despite being home in the much colder climate. Happy to have my dog back with me. Hoping to carry a positive attitude back into normal, mundane life.
25(6) Back to work, back to the cold weather. Hard to believe vacation has come and gone so quickly when normal days go by so slowly. Still, the sun is shining, and I enjoyed last week. Feeling ok.26(6) Yesterday was a pretty good day (for a Monday too!). Went to bed feeling gratitude. So cold this morning, but sunny still. Rain coming this week. Feeling mostly ok.27(6) Yesterday was fine. Relaxing evening. Played a bunch with dog, and he slept in my room, which is always nice. Still cold here, but supposed to get warmer. Can use the nicer temps.28(5) Going to be a busy and stressful work day today. Planning my long run for Saturday. Want to get excited about running again. Know a guy doing a crazy race this weekend. Yikes!29(5) Nice group run last evening in warmer weather. Getting colder and rainy/snowy again this weekend though. Sigh. No weekend plans, but that's ok. I'll run and clean and maybe do my taxes. (ugh!)30(5) I should be doing my taxes. Or at least getting groceries and cleaning the house. But after running 15 miles in the wet trails, all I want to do is sit for a while and maybe drink beers. Sigh...31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
1(4) Ate and drank way too much yesterday. Stomach has been off all weekend. Didn't do my taxes. A couple inches of snow this morning (it's April, dammit!). Have a busy work week. Crummy Monday all around.2(5) Yesterday was ok. Good run last night. Couldn't run on treadmill this AM - leg hurt, too tired. So did walk at incline (hill work). Better than nothing. Today/tomorrow will be very stressful at work.3(4) Weird dreams last night. Busy, stressful day today. Training all morning, meetings with client all afternoon, home to dog late. Ugh. Eager for today to be over. Getting cold again. :/4(5) Yesterday went ok, even though it was stressful. Wasn't even needed on client call I stressed so much about. Today will be calmer. Slept in this morning instead of running. Felt good, but guilty.5(5) My dog gets very anxious, particularly when he sees other dogs. I try to comfort him by saying 'it's ok' over and over. It seems to work sometimes. I often wish I had someone to say 'it's ok' to me.6No Reasons7No Reasons
8(5) Beer/dinner last night - so much food and drinking, slept badly and feeling crummy this morning. Own fault, though. Overindulged all weekend, so rough Monday morning...9(5) Yesterday was a hard day. Trying really hard to be more positive and keep out of my depressive funk, but it gets harder and harder as days go by. I feel so out of shape and old and tired...10(4) Rough night. Woke at 2am w/ chest hurting. Felt like I strained a muscle or something. Still hurts this morning. Maybe slept on it weird or twisted? A little scary...11(5) Well, yesterday sucked. Felt achy and out of sorts all day. I think I may have been/currently are fighting something. Slept well last night and feeling better this morning. Weird...12(4) Feeling myself slipping as I get immersed back into normal life routine. I was doing better after vacation, but falling back. I don't want this depression and loneliness.13(4) Today was beautiful and spring-like, but it wasn't a good day. Only ran 5 miles. Feeling low. Tired. Think I'll call the Dr Monday. Feel off. Maybe just in my head...14No Reasons
15(4) Crummy weekend. Did virtually nothing yesterday. And now it's Monday, with a lot of work coming up and more crummy weather. Have to get up courage to call doctor...16(4) Part of the reason I didn't want to go to Dr. - waste so much time, get $150 bill, all for him to order blood tests so I can pay for those and follow-up visit. Checking lots of stuff and for lyme.17(5) Busy work day. Weather improving a bit today/tomorrow, then rain just in time for my first big trail race of the year this Sat. Not even sure if I'm ready for it. Sigh.18(5) Beautiful weather for last night's group trail run. Felt great out there on dry trails for first time in ages. Was so nice to feel good running. Beer dinner tonight should be fun, I hope.
(5) My tests came back negative. No lyme, which is good. But of course, now the problem is figuring out why I've felt so crummy. Is it all in my head? At least if it was something, I could be treated...
19(5) Beer dinner last night was delicious with good company, but food was super rich, and I'm feeling ill this morning. Dog wouldn't let me sleep past 3ish. Race tomorrow, supposed to rain. Blah.20No Reasons21No Reasons
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29No Reasons30No Reasons