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  890 days
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      1(6) Was supposed to run around the bay (13 miles) with two friends this morning. Both cancelled, so I did it myself. Was hard after all the food and beer last night, but a good start to the new year!
2(6) Did very little more than watch TV today and pull down the last of my Xmas decorations. Not a bad day, though. Got groceries and ate a nice dinner. Early bed and back to work tomorrow...3(5) Back to work. Five minutes, and the work anxiety (hope I keep my job) keeps flooding back. Lots of things to do that I'm not sure how to do. Sigh. One thing at a time, I guess.4(6) Slept horribly last night. Anxiety, tossing and turning, lots of dreams. But feeling pretty ok this morning, surprisingly. So we'll see how the day goes.5(5) Feel crummy this morning. Bad night's sleep again. Another stressful work day ahead. Too many things to do that I don't know how/what to do, no support. And it's so cold out! Blah.6(5) Fell on ice last night during run and hurt my knee. Have a stupid half marathon Saturday evening. Supposed to be 12 degrees F. I hate winter. Hate hate hate winter. Blah.7No Reasons8(5) Really feeling set back on my running. Yesterday's half marathon was way harder than it would have been a few months ago. Struggled, not just cuz of my knee. Feeling down because of this set back.
9(5) Tired and feeling low. Winter's bleakness and this bitter cold is really wearing on me. I want to do nothing, and I feel guilty for doing nothing. Blah Monday.10(3) Cousin is very ill with cancer and pneumonia. Feel conflicted. Selfish emotions of knowing I will have to travel and that he smoked after seeing our grandfather die of lung cancer. So sad for his fam.11(5) Feeling a bit better today, a bit more determined. Anxiety last night over cousin's health and likely having to travel soon because of it. This is life I guess.12(6) Fun group run last night in temps that felt warm at 40 (F). Feel pretty ok this morning despite poor sleep. Was nearly 55 this morning, but getting cold again. Ah well, it is winter.13(5) Felt yesterday like something was off, and today I wake up with an upset stomach. Hope I can fight this off...lots of people have been sick. Three-day weekend!14No Reasons15No Reasons
16No Reasons17(5) Nice weekend. Got stuff done and had time to relax. Ate a ton. Loads of stress last night from work layoffs upcoming (not knowing if I'm safe). Knee hurting badly from run. Very busy day today!
(6) Had to share this comic with you, panda friends. This is quite often why I run! :) http://www.webtoons.com/en/slice-of-life/lars/ep-214-outrun/viewer?title_no=358&episode_no=214
18(4) Finally have that cold that's been going around. Feel loggy and hot and blah, but have to work. Hope this doesn't last too long...19(4) Went home sick yesterday. To bed early. Still sick of course, but feel like I can manage it this morning. Eat really badly when I'm sick. Blah.20(5) Still sick, but trying to get tons of sleep. Hoping to keep this cold a short one. Last winter was sick for a month. Cousin doing very poorly. Nothing to do with anyone this weekend. Oh well.21No Reasons22No Reasons
23(5) Cold is feeling better. Head is clearer at least. Busy, busy week ahead. Work won't tell us who is being laid off for a few more weeks. Hard to wait for bad news. Big storm coming tonight. Blah Monday24(6) Yesterday was a pretty good day. Felt accomplished! My stressful training session today got rescheduled for Feb. Always been a fan of justifiably putting things off. So yay!25(6) Meditating now for 30 days (almost every day). Really feeling a change in perspective throughout the day. Subtle but a shift. Just wish dog would leave me alone for 20 minutes of peace!26(5) Long week. Really wanted to go out last night and drink, but stayed in and had salad (and one beer). Tendonitis in my knee really hurting. Eager to get January and this winter over.27(6) Tired. Poor night's sleep. Today and tomorrow are busy...trying to fit things in. Social business makes me anxious. Plus worry about the dog home all alone. But should be fun, I hope! Happy Friday!
(5) Really well-written article about considering suicide... and surviving. http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-surprising-things-you-learn-after-considering-suicide/
28No Reasons29No Reasons
30(3) My cousin passed away last night. Sounds like they don't want a service, so I won't have to go. Feel very sad for his family, esp my aunt who has nothing now and has been through so much.
(3) Rough day. Feeling very low... No one to talk to (excepting you all). At the bar drinking. Wishing I wasn't alone.
31(3) Yesterday was rough. Drank too much, and hungover this morning. Anxiety came through in my dreams all night, and dog woke me up to go outside at 4 am. Very stressful work day ahead.
  1(4) Tired. Feels like this week's been 10 days long, and it's only Wednesday. Trying to stay positive in the face of darkness and cold...2(4) Went out and ate badly and drank too much last night but enjoyed talking to people at the bar. Didn't sleep well and struggling this morning. Eager to get this week over...3(5) Feeling a bit better today. Eager for the weekend! Thinking of spending the $150 for a sports nutrition consultation/plan, because I know I eat poorly and struggle with it.
(6) Finished the first 30 days of Headspace meditation (almost every day). Considering how it's changed my thoughts. I do feel grounded and calmer (mostly). Thinking I will pay to keep going.
4(6) Ran a hard 12 miles this morning in 15 degree (F) weather. Was really hard, but made it! Ate heavily the rest of the day. Looking forward to the Super Bowl tomorrow!5No Reasons
6(5) Wow, feel like I ate WAY too much this weekend. Not nearly enough sleep after Super Bowl last night. But was a fun party. Another stressful week of work ahead. Hard to face Monday mornings...
(4) Dog chewed on the wall while I was gone and threw up when I got home. Really anxious tonight. Feel totally off and disoriented.
7(5) Feel better this morning after a good night's sleep, but still anxiety looms. Worried about work and dog and family and everything...Trying to stay grounded and focused on the moment.8(4) Get frustrated and impatient so easily. Anxiety giving me a pit in my stomach and ruining the quiet moments. Trying to ground myself and not let meaningless things get to me so much. So hard.9(4) So cold today, with a lot of snow coming, and I have to run tonight in it. (More making myself, since it's a social thing, than have to.) Feeling scattered and frazzled. Trying to find balance.
(5) Trying to fit in meditation where I can. Scheduled a secluded conference room at lunchtime, but people were in it. Found an abandoned dark office, and someone walks in. Embarrassing and stressful!
10(6) Last night was a great run! Felt good, ran well, and the cold didn't bother me. A lot of snow this morning, but made it to work. Feeling a bit more positive today. Happy weekend, pandas!11No Reasons12No Reasons
13(4) Layoffs are announced tomorrow. Anxious about potentially losing my job. Think I'll be safe, but boss won't let us know. Very anxious weekend. Plus snow today, has me in a bad mood.14(4) Anxiety over today's work news had me up much of the night. Feeling very sluggish today. Going to be a stressful day, and the stupid made-up holiday doesn't help.
(5) Still have a job. What a relief. Sounds like at least one person on my team will be laid off though, which sucks (plus more work for us). Ugh, I hate layoffs. So stressful. Want to go drink at noon.
(5) My weekly radio show this February 14 was all hate and heartbreak songs. It was a bitter catharsis. Much needed break after the stressful early week so far. F--- Valentine's Day. Better off alone!
15(6) Feeling better today. Work stress alleviated a bit. Trying to decide if I should do trip in June to run a 50k. Running guys going w/ their families, I'd be alone. But I'm used to that.16No Reasons17(6) Met with nutritionist last night, got some good suggestions for what to eat and how to have energy to run and recover. Has me thinking about my eating habits quite a bit.18No Reasons19(7) Good weekend. Sat ran 15 miles in the morning and did a brewery trip with 2 friends. Today, I bought lots of healthy groceries and cooked a tasty meal and did errands. Best part: I have tmrw off!
20No Reasons21(6) Didn't sleep well last night, and a ton of work to get done in the next week. But I'm thankful I have a job and the weather is almost spring-like for a few days! So cautious early-morning 6.22(5) Another poor night's sleep. Throat is scratchy like I have another cold coming on. Stressed. Hope to get out of work early today to run in the nice weather and make some food for rest of the week.23(5) Another bad night's sleep and still fighting this cold. Was sure I would feel miserable this morning, but not as bad as feared. Spring-like weather for another day or two helps my mood.24(5) Haven't slept well all week, and dog wakes me up at 4:30 to go out. Tired and still fighting this cold. Internet down at work. Bored. No plans for the weekend.25No Reasons26No Reasons
27(4) Not feeling well. The cold went away over the weekend but came back with a vengeance. Taking a sick day. Now if only the dog will cooperate so I can just lay around and watch TV.28(4) Ugh...hacking and coughing this morning. Can't stay home again today. Tired and sick...going to be a long, slow, slog of a day. I'll survive...
  1(5) Still not feeling well. Worst in the mornings when I wake up. I'll be ok. Been thinking about thoughts a lot lately. I guess meditation series are helping. Giving me perspective at least.2(4) Power went out at 7:30 last night and was still out this morning. Worry about leaving the dog in house without heat. Crazy winds and lingering cold have me feeling very anxious.3(5) Awake 4-5 am coughing. But I feel reasonably ok once I get going. Last night's run was cold and not very fun, which is too bad since I was looking forward to it. Another cold, snowy weekend coming. :/4No Reasons5(4) What a crummy day. Knew I drank too much last night, but had a lot of water before bed. Still so hung over. Did nothing all day. Hate how much worse hangovers effect me than they used to.
6(6) Feeling better this morning. Still have that nagging cough that won't go away. But focused and so much better than yesterday. Hope this means good things for the week ahead. So tired of winter...7(5) Horrible night's sleep, coughing constantly. Still got up before 5 to run on treadmill. Internet was down, so I ran outside in the cold rain. Proud of myself for doing it!8(5) Slept better last night, and not nearly as much coughing and hacking this morning. Perhaps on the mend! That makes me feel better, but weather changing again...getting super windy and cold. Ugh!9(4) Historically strong winds did tons of damage here yesterday. My fence gate trashed, so can't let dog out. At least I didn't lose power this week or get a tree on my house or car like so many!10(5) Yesterday was very trying day. Dog wasn't right, had to clean up after him in the house twice. Poor thing. Horrible run last night. Felt like crap. But slept better, and hope today will be better.11(3) Bad day. So F-in cold (-2F)! My run this morning was painful, and I held people back. Fence fell down again, and no one to help me. So impatient and tired and frustrated and lonely and down on myself.12(5) Today was better. Got stuff done. Found out my running 'friends' have pretty much cut me out. Screw them. I'm used to having no friends. Why should now be different?
13(4) So many disparaging thoughts. Winter hitting with a vengeance. After bitter colds, 15-20 inches of snow coming. I'm tired of it, afraid fence won't hold up. Wish I went to Fla for a break...14(5) Working at home today while it snows. Hoping for a calm day. Thankful I can wake up a bit before running on the treadmill. Snow not supposed to stop until tomorrow night. Ugh winter.15(5) So much snow. Could barely open door to let dog out this AM, and he didn't want to go out! Supposed to snow all day today. Hope to be able to work at home again. It is so cold!16(4) Car wouldn't start this morning. Couldn't find jumper cables. So fortunate to have a neighbor who can help me. I feel so powerless and useless so often. Now stressed car won't start to go home. Ugh.17(5) Lost the couple lbs I gained over the holidays. Feel pretty good physically. Eating healthy (minimal sugar and processed foods) has given me more energy. Still hard to run in this cold winter!
(5) I've been very impatient lately. Aware of it and trying to rein it in. Free pizza and wings at work, but everyone ahead of me took so much I was lucky to get 1 tiny piece. Wanted to blow up. Sigh.
18No Reasons19(6) Friend came into town yesterday and stayed the night. Was nice. We're not much alike anymore, but good to be with someone who wanted me around. Had a lot of beers! Lazy Sunday now...
20(5) Monday morning again. First day of Spring, but no spring weather in sight. Feeling in a rut. Need some change to help kick me out of it. Just getting through...21(6) As difficult running at 5 am on the treadmill was this morning, I feel so good afterwards, so awake and alert. Eager to have warmer weather so I can run outside. Tons of work to do today!22(5) Really difficult 4 miles on treadmill this morning. Body felt so tired, and was short of breath. I think I have to change my morning routine and take more time to wake up first. Ugh. Need spring!23(4) Last night was a bad night. Felt so conflicted and distracted, and dog was driving me nuts! I hate when I'm so impatient and short. Went to bed really early but slept poorly. Long day ahead...24(6) Feeling pretty good physically today. Good run last night. Dog has been driving me nuts lately! I think he needs warm weather too...needs to run and play outside. We need some spring, damnit!25No Reasons26(5) 17-mile 'run' through the thick and slippery mud yesterday. Was brutal, and legs sore today. But yesterday ended up being fun. No plans today, just errands. Boring.
27(6) Hint of spring in the air, but supposed to be gray and rainy for the whole week. Blah. Lots to do this week at work. Trying to be positive again...always a struggle!28(5) Warmer weather yesterday. Felt good to run in shorts again. Cooling back down and dreary most of this week. Feeling envious of my sister. Lots of mixed feelings lately.29(4) Feeling low today, though not sure why. Middle of the week blahs, perhaps. Stressing over little things. I think I'm just lonely and tired of dealing with everything alone.30(4) Left out again. Screw them. I don't need anybody, because I can dislike myself all by myself, and I'm so much better at disliking me than they are because of all the practice!31(5) After run last night, talked to different folks. Tired of those 'friends' who exclude me. They're now just running companions, that's it. Screw them. Wish I didn't need people...
(4) March averaging several degrees colder than February. Today is a gloomy, cold wash-out. Another muddy, cold, wet run for tomorrow. Think I'm fighting another cold. Sick of this...
     1(5) Ran nearly 20 miles in cold drizzle. Exhausted. A very difficult run from the beginning. But got through. Finally sitting down at 5 pm. Been a long day.2(6) Not a bad day today. Got a bunch of little things done around the house. Cooked some good food for the week. Walked and played with the dog. Lonely day, but fairly relaxing. Sun was shining!
3(5) Another warmish day before it's rain and dreariness and cold temps the rest of the week. Loads to do at work, but feeling unmotivated. Will get through.4(5) Yesterday was nice. Felt so good to run in shorts and t-shirt. My legs are so sore today though! Hard to walk. More strong winds expected today. Hope my fence holds up. Feeling anxiety lurking...5(5) Tired. Poor night's sleep. Sore. Performance review with boss this morning has me anxious. Weather getting bad just in time for long run Saturday, but then nice next week! Can't wait.6(6) Feeling pretty good physically today. Ran hill repeats last night and fell and scraped up my knee. Went out for dinner and beers with friend after. Was nice. Now two days of rain and cold. Blah!7(6) Dog got me up at 4:30. Had a big breakfast this morning. Snow and cold today, but a few days of good weather coming. Last night's 7-mile run in cold rain was horrid. Happy Friday, pandas!8(4) Frustrating run this morning. Calf cramps and tired muscles. Cut it short. Very frustrating setback...9No Reasons
10(6) Was a nice weekend. Warmer, sunny weather. Lots of beer and food. Got some things done. Felt pretty good! Getting my legs worked on this afternoon, so hopefully will be running again!11(5) Massage yesterday for my sore legs. Hurt like hell, but hope it helps! Beautiful weather yesterday, but getting cooler and rainier now. Oh well. Amazing how it helped my mood. Tired this morning...12(5) Feeling low and conflicted this morning. Lot of thoughts going through my head. Legs hurt, back sore from bad night's sleep. Blah Wednesday.13(6) Feeling pretty good today. Good run yesterday - legs felt better after massage (though still sore). Quality time with the dog. Good night's sleep. A bit anxious about tough race this Saturday.14(6) Nice run last night has me feeling good today. Anxious about really tough race tomorrow, but I'll get through it. Hope it's not too muddy. Happy weekend, pandas!15(7) Such a difficult 20k race today. So hilly and muddy, but so much fun! Beautiful weather and nice people. Not faster than last year, but enjoyed it more! Beer and good food after! Now tired...16No Reasons
17(6) Nice weekend. Ate a lot of unhealthy food. Got stuff done. Easter was lonely and quiet, but good weather helped. Legs sore today and blister is really bad. But I'll be ok.18(6) Feeling ok I guess. Still sore. Dealing with insurance junk - hope they pay my claim! Tired this morning... but ok.
(7) Insurance issue went very smoothly. Already got my payment, not just have to get the fence fixed. Went for a run - was sore at first but did good. Feel pretty good this evening. At my radio show!
19(5) Rain's coming back. I feel the dark clouds on my mood as well. Parents coming this weekend to visit. Feeling anxious and sad this morning. It will pass.20(6) Too much beer last night. A little hungover this morning, brain foggy, but not as bad as I feared! Was fun to go out. Had a good run yesterday too. Rain today again. Getting through the week...21(5) Ran in the rain last night, yet again. Leg is really sore today. Parents coming up this weekend to visit, which always stresses me out (though nice to have them around sometimes). Really tired.22No Reasons23No Reasons
24(6) Not a bad weekend. Ran long on Sat, drank lots of beer, time with parents (stressful but nice to have people there). Sunday busy with errands but calm. Lots of weird issues going into new week.25(6) I'm doing ok, I think? Slept better last night, which helps. Ran 5 miles in the sunshine yesterday despite really not wanting to. Proud of that. Excited I got asked to join a relay run this Sunday.26(6) Very tired...poor night's sleep last night. But it's warming up, and nothing pressing at work right now, so should be an ok day.27(7) Was so frustrated and stressed yesterday PM. Went for a run and felt much better. A few beers with my friend and a relaxing evening. Better today. Warm weather (almost hot) today! Yay!28(5) Leg is really sore today. Going to be an odd weekend, I think. Feeling more anxiety after a rough night's sleep. Will be ok, but just feeling a 5 today.29(5) I have to get up at 3 am tomorrow for this crazy relay race event. Going to be a long day! Will be hard to be around people the full time, but I hope it will be fun! Today was ok...30No Reasons
1(8) Yesterday's relay race was amazing. Up at 3 am, back home at 8 pm. A full day of running, driving around in a van, laughing. I ran great and had a wonderful time!2(6) My legs hurting bad today, but went for a 5-mile run at 5 am today. Hard, but man you feel so good after! Back to work today...crappy weather all week this week. Blah! Sick of this rain!3(5) Stomach's a bit off this morning. Gray and cold and rainy for days and days. Mood's a bit down. Nothing significant, just mid-week doldrums I guess. Meh.4(6) So tired when I got home from work yesterday. Wanted to go to a bar for beer and food, but it was sunny (if a bit cool). So I went and ran 5 mile hill repeats and ate my healthy dinner. Proud of me!
(5) Definitely fighting a cold, not allergies. Feeling crappy. Skipped my social running night to drink at my favorite bar and eat pizza alone. Sigh.
5(4) Ugh, not feeling well. Cold is bugging me, and I'm a little hung over from last night. Fuzzy head. Slept poorly. Miserable weather doesn't help. Very anxious about race Sunday in cold and wet. :/6(4) Not feeling well at all. A little feverish, sore throat. Slept nearly 10 hours last night and wasn't enough. This sucks...doubt I'll be able to run again tomorrow.7(3) Rough day. Still not feeling well. Maybe a bit better than yesterday, but not good. And feeling really low both physically and mentally...
8(4) Maybe a bit better than yesterday, but still not feeling well. At work on a gray Monday; that doesn't help. Really should try to get out and run a little later, keep legs working. Feeling low.9(4) Sick...haven't run in a week. Feel like I've endured this blasted cold enough. Should be better by now. Very disappointed. Physical health drastically effecting my mood. Blah.10(5) I'm actually feeling better today! Not great yet, but definitely better than the past week. Thank goodness! Anxious a week without running hurt my training...marathon barely a week away! Yikes!11(6) Feeling better! Went for a run last night, which was nice. Another cool, rainy weekend upcoming, but signs of warmth next week! Getting excited for the marathon next weekend...12(6) The air smelled and felt so fresh this morning! I feel much better... No plans for the weekend, unfortunately, but that's ok.13No Reasons14(7) Yesterday was a nice day. 10mile run in the morning, lunch a beer with a friend, then went to see Guardians in the evening. Today will be errands and boring stuff.
(7) Today was good. Got everything done I needed to do, including groceries and cooking for the week and washing the car and walking the dog. Still had time to drink beers with neighbor in the fading sun.
15(6) Monday morning...going to be a long week. Will be anxious but excited for marathon on Saturday! Weather improving, will even be warm! Sunshine and warmth greatly improves my mood!16(7) Thought I slept well, but woke very, very tired this morning. Oh well. The sun is shining, and it hasn't much lately. Good, easy run last night. Radio show tonight. Doing good.17(7) Hot, summer-like day today! I love it...hoping it will dry out the trails I have to run Saturday. Radio show was fun last night, even though no one was listening. Feeling pretty good! Yay!18(5) Went for a run last night and leg really hurt. Has me very nervous for Saturday. A few beers with friend was fun, but headache kept me from sleeping well all night. So mixed bag today...5 seems right.19(6) Rough night's sleep last night. Too warm I guess. Cooler today. Loads of excitement and anxiety for my marathon tomorrow. Work is going to go very slow today, I think!20(9) Ran the trail marathon today. Felt amazing! Fully an hour faster than last year, and felt so much better. Then hung out and drank beers with friends at the finish. What an amazing day!21(8) Sore legs today, but feeling great. Got a lot done this morning, and then went to the next city over with my neighbor for beers and crazy delicious food. Fun day!
22(6) Stomach is iffy after all the terrible food and beer I had the last two days, and legs are still quite sore. But I've got the day off to recover and get back to normal.23(6) Was nice to have yesterday off. Back to work and normalcy again. Next big race in a month. Stomach still off, but it will be ok I think. Tired this morning! Legs still sore!24(6) Tired this morning. Work is boring. Bummed that I have no plans for upcoming holiday weekend. Oh well...25(6) Last night I ran for the first time since the marathon. Felt good, and I feel good this morning! Full day of drenching rain today, which is annoying. We don't need more rain! Oh well.26(7) Feeling pretty good. Nice run last night (the rain even broke for us), and three-day weekend. No plans with anyone, but will do yardwork and cook on the grill. Happy weekend, pandapals!27(7) Pretty good day today. Ran 12 miles with a friend this morning. Did loads of laundry and grilled myself a nice steak and veggies. Now watching a movie and relaxing tonight. Wish the weather was better28No Reasons
29(7) Yesterday was nice...warm and sunny. Did yard work all morning, and spent the afternoon with a friend, drinking beer and eating BBQ. Helped him brew. Was a pretty perfect holiday day!
(7) Today was good. Quiet. Did all I needed to do, made a nice meal for the week's dinners, had a run, and sat on the patio with the dog. Nice, long weekend. Wish I had another day...
30(5) Back to work. Stressed all morning that I had training today, but was smart enough last week to schedule for tomorrow, so I have time to prepare. Rain's back again. Legs are sore. Mondayish blues.
(5) Parents were supposed to stop in tmrw night on their way thru town, for a short night's stay over. Turns out, they came today and staying thru Thurs morning. No warning! Too much! Argh...
31(5) Should have gotten up and run this morning, but I was too tired and out of habit of early morning running. So no running tonight, because of parents. Stressful work day upcoming. Ugh.
   1(5) Not feeling great this morning. Ate and drank too much last night, and poor night's sleep, no run, feeling bad about myself. It will pass. Another week of poor weather coming. Blah all around.2(6) Nice run last night. Race tomorrow, only 10 miles this time. Bad night's sleep has me feeling groggy and annoyed, mostly at dog who spit up on carpet and howled at 5:30 am. Ah well, it's Friday.
(6) Beering at my favorite local bar after work on a Friday. Feel like I used to relax better. Maybe before dog and running obsession. Kinda miss it. Still, it's Friday! Yay!
3No Reasons4(6) Yesterday was nice. Ran a fun 10-mile race in the morning and spent the afternoon drinking beers outside by the water. Felt lonely in evening watching people doing summertime things together. Ah well.
5(5) Moody this morning. Downpour of rain, forecast to be a dreary, rainy week. Monday. Maybe that's all this is. Tired. Feel like I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what.6(6) Feeling better today. Good run yesterday (feels even better after when it was so hard to start), and better night's sleep. Tons of meetings today, unfortunately, but attitude seems better!7(5) Ugh, tired this morning. Dog had me up at 4:30. Work is kinda stressful. Feeling rather blah...it will pass. Just a tired Wednesday morning.8(5) Really nice group run last night (plus, free milkshake after!). Beautiful weather today. But work is going to be very stressful. Big call at 1 has me stressed. Eager to get it over!
(6) Got my scary meeting done, and did ok (I think)! Day's almost over, and it's a beautiful summer day. Going to run with folks and have beers later!
9(5) Cut my thumb this morning, and allergies are really bad. A bit of a foggy head from last night's beers, but will be ok. Weather is so nice! Just have to get today's work day over!
(6) Got a really nice email to my supervisor complimenting me for my role in that scary meeting yesterday. So nice to be recognized. Had a nice 2nd breakfast for boss's birthday. Feeling better!
10No Reasons11No Reasons
12(5) Great start to a Monday. Computer won't work, can't get anything done. Slept poorly; it was too hot last night. Ah well, the weekend was good. Busy week ahead.
(5) More tired today than I've been in a long time. Don't know why but can barely keep eyes open at work. Feel crummy, and I have a lot to do. Blah Monday!
13(6) Slept better last night with AC on, even though dog didn't want to sleep and kept pacing and whining. Got up early to run...was so hot, and so hard to run so early. Tons of meetings today - ugh!14(5) Dense fog this morning. Air felt saturated and still. Very soothing. Brain also feels foggy today. Feel like I'm forgetting things I need to do. Anxiety lurking in the fog.15(6) Yesterday ended up being a beautiful day. Ran 6 miles with no leg pain, then ate a healthy dinner and went out for beers with a friend. Lovely evening. Very tired today though!16(5) Beer pairing dinner last night was a lot of fun! But got home late (really late for me), and very tired today! Ugh, will be a long day. Glad it's Friday!
(5) Oh how I hate the rampant stupidity in the corporate world. Ask a person in charge of mailing letters how to mail a letter, and can't get an answer. No idea! Shocking any work gets done sometimes...
(6) But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
17(6) Dog would not let me sleep last night, and I was so tired! But today was a pretty good day. Ran 5 miles, then ran a 5k with a friend and went to lunch with him. Then beers and dinner with neighbors.18No Reasons
19(6) Sunday was quiet and dull. Cleaned and cooked for the week. Monday again, but vacation and race coming up this weekend! Excited and nervous!
(4) Been so excited about this weekend in VT and 50k race that I and my running partners worked toward for 6 months. Now 1 not going, everyone else dropped to the half. I know how this is going to go.
20(4) I've long since accepted I'm going to always be alone. I've stopped asking why no one cares or wants to be with me. I just wish I could stop wanting or needing people. Makes me feel so weak.21(5) Stressful day today. Presentation to deliver to management. Tired. A little sad. Anxious about my race and the weekend (but excited too...just want it to get here).22(6) Meetings all day today, but then I'm off for 5 days. Heading to VT to run a crazy race and sight see and drink good beers and eat all the foods! Looking forward to it, even if I'm on my own mostly.23(6) Sitting in a bar in Vermont, drinking a beer. Feeling lonely. Wish it wasn't raining. Anxious about my race tomorrow.24No Reasons25(8) I did it, pandas! Ran the 50k (31 miles) yesterday. Hardest race I ever ran. Hills were significant, and there was so much mud it sapped all my strength just pulling my legs out and moving forward.
(5) Wandering around Burlington alone. Lonely among all these people. Weekends are especially hard days to b traveling alone.
26(6) Today was nice. Hiked up a mountain this morning (boy my legs hurt!), then did the tourist thing. Ate a lot of food, drank a lot of beer. Tmrw I go home and get back to normal. Oh well.27No Reasons28(6) Back home and back to work and back to routine. Feeling some post-vacation blues. Had been working up to that race and time off for 5 months. Ah well...
(5) Feeling kind of adrift. I've been looking forward to this past weekend and race for so long. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I know that will pass. Just a little sad...
29(5) Grumpy today. Forced to move from office to a cubicle at work. Too much work to do but no motivation. Weather is gray and rainy again. Feeling crummy from so many days of bad food and drink. Blah.30No Reasons
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3(6) Pretty decent weekend. Did some running and a lot of drinking. Wish I took today off for a 4-day weekend like everyone else. Didn't get my cooking done, so have no lunch. Ah well. Monday blah.4No Reasons5(5) I dislike holidays. As much as I look forward to them, I always feel so alone. Even yesterday, amidst a party, I felt ignored and alone. I guess I prefer monotony and routine. Life's easier that way.6(5) Did some running in the heat yesterday. Felt good, but leg is really sore. Work is boring. Feeling adrift still, like I want to find something new but I don't know what or where...7(5) Poor night's sleep last night. Feeling fuzzy today (and not in a panda fur kinda way). But glad it's Friday at least. Running tmrw and Sunday, plus Monday off to recover! Just gotta wake up...8No Reasons9No Reasons
10(7) Ran the Boilermaker 15k with friends yesterday. It's a huge party with 15,000ish runners. Very fun. Exhausting and mentally difficult at times, but a good day. Today is rest and catch up.
(7) Busy day off! Cleaning and yardwork and cooking and running...but feels good to get a lot done, and now relaxing outside with a beer and my dog nearby. ATM, life is good...
11(6) Back to work after a nice, long weekend. Going to be a busy, stressful week. But feeling pretty good this morning, so I'll take it!12(6) Stressful few days of work coming up. Eager to get through them...Going to have to wing it a lot. Will be running tonight in the rain, it looks like. Oh well...Tired this morning...13(6) Dog wouldn't let me sleep last night. Rain is back again. Been such a rainy year, but I guess it makes me appreciate the few nice days even more. Stressful day today & tomorrow at work. But doing ok.
(5) Mood falling. Day is rainy and dark, and mood is going there too. Ate sugar crap and now feel gross. Feel ill at ease.
14(5) Little chest pains the last few days. I'm sure it's just heartburn (though not sure what I'm eating that's a problem), but it always scares me. Could be work stress...this morning will be trying!
(6) Home from work... Made it through my stressful trainings, and now the weekend. Sitting on my patio with a beer. Feeling a little lonely and aimless...
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17(5) Another rainy Monday. Should be a much easier work week than last week. Feeling very lonely...even when I was with people this weekend at my house, I was mostly ignored. It makes me so sad...18(6) Organized a group run last night...happy some people showed up. Work is boring this week...getting anxious preparing for my big run this weekend...19(6) I'm running a 12-hour (7pm-7am) race this weekend, and I'm starting to get anxious! How am I going to stay awake all night when I'm used to going to bed early? Can I hit my goal of 50+ miles?20(5) Ugh, now the weather is saying it's going to rain the entire 12 hours I'm running Sat-Sun. That's going to be miserable!21(5) BBQ and beer dinner last night was awesome and delicious, but I'm suffering today. Ate and drank too much. Anxious about run tomorrow night in the rain. Gotta 'embrace the suck' I guess...22(6) Hate waiting for an evening run. Sitting around, super twitchy on caffeine, for my 12-hour overnight run. Want to just get going! Adrenalin + caffeine makes for bad mix!23No Reasons
24(7) So the 12-hour overnight run was crazy and really hard (especially mentally). I stopped about 45 minutes early when I hit 51 miles. That was enough for me!25(5) More rain. This summer is all about rain. Knee hurts. Head hurts. Feeling sluggish and slow today. Back to work. Have to reset...26(5) Very tired. Knee hurts. Frustrated - no one listened to my radio show last night, and left out of 'friends' getting together. Lonely and adrift. Need something new or a new goal...27(5) Rain. Always more rain. Mood is greatly effected by dreary, rainy days. Work is so slow and boring. Finding motivation hard to come by. Taking the week off from running to recover. Blahs.
(4) Struggling today... don't know why. Feeling quite low, and hard time focusing on work.
28(4) Nothing new to say...
(3) Ditched yet again. Just once, I'd like someone to want to do something with me. Going to drink another beer and go to bed early, because I know this will be a bad night.
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31(6) Perfect summer weather weekend...haven't had many of those this year! Nice long run with some people yesterday. My knee is very sore today, which worries me, and car stuff today. Blah Mondays...
 1(5) Enjoyed the group run I'm trying to start on Mondays, though it's hard for me to be social with strangers. My knee is sore, and I should rest it, but running is all I do. Blah...2(5) More rain again. What a crappy summer this has been. Knee aches. Missing a group run again today because of it. Stressful work day today. Blah.
(5) Sitting at a bar by myself, because my knee pain won't let me run tonight, and when I'm sad, I go out and drink. And eat. My own kind of self destruction.
3(5) Several beers last night, and my knee felt much better! Surprised no hangover today. So much healthier all around when I run. Idleness leads to bad decisions in so many ways. Still feeling very blah.4(6) Ran 4 fast miles last night, caught in torrential downpour, just ran faster. Knee felt pretty good! Encouraging. Lots of new work to make Friday stressful, and no one to do anything with this wknd.
(4) Having a woe-is-me Friday night. Ate crappy fast food (wasn't even very good), drinking bunch of beer, watching stupid Netflix movies, feeling sorry for myself.
(3) I should not go through my old notebooks. 1993, and I was writing about whether I'd ever be happy. If I knew then, 24 years ago, where I'd be today, what would I have done? Would I have ended things?
5No Reasons6(6) Ran 7.5 miles yesterday and 10.5 today. Knee hurts a bit but is much better than it was. Beautiful day today. Wish I had something to do. Just sitting outside with a beer and a book. Not so bad.
7(5) Lots of complicated projects at work going to make for a difficult week or so. Feeling very tired and sluggish this morning.8(5) Only a few folks came to my social run last night cuz of rain, but it was still fun. Stressful work stuff, with my time off next week - have to get it all done this week. Ugh. Tired...9No Reasons10(5) Worked at home yesterday...was relaxing, but a lot of work to do in next few days. Anxious about week off and parents coming up to help me do house stuff. Hard to have them around all the time.
(4) I hate when all my comments disappear. Posted long messages on several people's posts (using web site), and they're all gone. Frustrating...Seems to happen more often lately.
11(4) Feeling low: tired and empty.
(5) Off work next week. Parents coming up to help me do minor work on house. So nice of them, but stressful for me. And exhausting. Won't be an enjoyable week off.
12(5) Going to give myself the vacation week. After that, I'm changing things. Have goals in mind. Feels good to have some direction.13No Reasons
14(6) Ran a 15-mile trail race yesterday. Off work this week. Parents up to help me with house stuff. Got a lot done today! Just hoping I get at least a day to enjoy vacation!15(6) Loads of hard work today. Great to have my parents helping me out, but I was burnt out and tired and needed down time this evening, so got a little snappy. Ah well. Great to get things accomplished!16(6) Busy day... Got a project done that I wanted to do since I moved in. Tired, but nice to accomplish things. Next few as should be less busy. Tired!17No Reasons18(6) Painting this morning. Beer this afternoon. Tired... But accomplished.19No Reasons20No Reasons
21(6) Exhausting week off, but got so much house cleaning and painting and organizing done. Feels good to be accomplished. Ate so much crap food and drank so much beer. Feeling bogged down today.
(4) I know it's stupid to apply human emotions to an animal, but I feel like my dog is rejecting me... Won't sleep in my room anymore, won't play. If I wasn't so lonely, I'd be happy he's independent.
22(4) Feeling adrift and aimless. Last week's busy week of vacation was a nice distraction, but this feeling is back again. I want change, but take solace in distraction. Frustrating and futile.23(5) Feeling a bit better today. Last night's radio show was relaxing. A bit anxious about friend staying with me this weekend. Still trying to discern why I feel so aimless. End of summer doldrums?24(3) Feeling very weak. Every day is a constant struggle. I don't hate myself like I used to...I just don't like me. Lay awake much of last night feeling horrible. Too much.25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons
28No Reasons29(6) Haven't posted in several days. Had a friend visiting for a long weekend, which was mostly nice. Ate and drank terribly, and feeling it this morning. But feeling mostly ok.30(6) Felt like I was getting sick last night, but feel ok this morning despite little sleep since dog got me up twice to go outside! Grrr... Long work day ahead means missing group run. Oh well...31(5) Rough night's sleep. Anxiety and health issues. Rain again. August is over, and we haven't really had summer. Feeling tired and melancholy.
    1(5) Been feeling off the last few days, as if I'm fighting something. Weird and distressing feeling. Crisp and cool this morning. Don't mind it, I guess. Just so early for fall.2(6) Almost didn't do the race today. Felt ill last night, and this race was hard. But I got up and did it. It was hard, but glad I did it. Was a pretty nice day over all.3No Reasons
4No Reasons5(6) Pretty good 3-day weekend. Another busy workweek ahead. Found this funny comic for anyone who feels that life is bad right now: http://explosm.net/comics/4717/
(3) Ugh, company's making me fly to Texas this weekend; no info about why or when. I hate flying, and no time to prepare makes me very anxious.
6(5) Glad I don't have to travel for work next week. So much fuss and frustration caused me for nothing. Working at home today. Feeling sad and a little anxious today. Not sure why.7(5) I have perspective problems. Seeing the negatives and not the positives. There's comfort in wallowing in self-disgust and -regret. It's like a built-in excuse. But it's so harmful...8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons
11(6) Pretty good weekend. Long run Saturday morning and a big outdoor party that evening. Stressful with all the people, but really good food and drink! Yesterday was football! Feeling pretty ok this AM.12(5) Stomach's off this morning. Feeling kind of burnt out.
(5) Stressed lately, though not sure why. No obvious stressors, but I see the signs: neck stiff, shoulders tight, jaw clenching, poor sleep. Hope noticing it now helps me figure out how to relax...
13No Reasons14(5) Sat on the back porch with the dog in the sun for a minute. Put my head in my hands and almost dozed off. Felt so good, peaceful. Lots of stress and anxiety lately...need more quiet minutes like that.
(7) During training I led, project director called me out and said what a great job I did and all sorts of other super nice things! Felt great. Positive feedback is free but so effective on morale!
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18(5) Ran our city's half marathon yesterday. Was a beautiful day, and I ran fast (for me). Felt really grumpy last night. Need to work on patience and peace. Hard when I get tired and lonely...
(4) Feeling really grumpy and off... Stomach is icky. Don't feel like running but I have to go (it's the group I started). Don't want to be social. Want to go to bed. Blah.
19No Reasons20(4) Struggling a little. Lot of anxiety and general dissatisfaction lately. Feeling weak (internally, not physically). Longing for change or something new. Wish I had someone to talk to.21(3) I get going on the old routine, just getting through the days, and then something happens to remind me that I have no friends and ppl I thought were my friends don't like me. Such painful realizations
(3) Good example of frustration of earlier post: Work thing happened that is very stressful. Want to talk it over w/ someone and vent about it. Harsh realization that I have no 1 who would listen or cares
22(5) Headache since 1 am, and dog had me up since 3:30 (too much energy I guess). So feeling out of it today, but beautiful weather and no big plans this weekend. Should be enjoyable.23No Reasons24(3) I'm so stupid. Drank too much again last night, and spent all night sick and a good chunk of today feeling miserable. Wasn't until 2 pm today I felt better. Hate that I did this to myself. Wasted day.
25(5) Still not feeling great this morning. Hope it will pass. A busy workweek ahead, and my next marathon is Sunday. Anxious about it but excited. Need to eat properly this week; hope stomach holds up.26(5) Feeling better today but still a little off. I think its just my body recovering from treating it so poorly. Work is super stressful, but I guess it's good to keep from fretting over upcoming marathon27(5) Feel off today. Equilibrium is not right. I think it's the cold front coming through, getting rid of this summer weather we had for two weeks. Fall is finally coming.28(6) Feeling ok today. Cooler, much more like fall. Marathon this weekend, getting anxious! Work seems under control now. Giving this a tentative 6.29(5) Feel like I'm fighting a cold now, which has me very nervous with big weekend coming up! I'm of two minds about the pressure I'm putting on myself with this marathon Sunday (see comments):30No Reasons
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2(7) So my marathon did not go as good as I hoped. Hit the wall, and my legs cramped terribly. But still finished in under 4 hours. And 2 friends came down to cheer me on (surprised me), so had fun!3(5) I never had such bad leg cramping in a race as my marathon on Sunday. Legs are still so sore today! Was even hard to sleep last night. Ugh...the crazy things we put our bodies through...4(5) Slept horribly last night. Stressful day today! Big presentation at noon...will be so glad to get it over! Sister and bro-in-law coming in this evening just for night. She always stresses me!
(4) Well, the big work presentation did not go as smoothly as I hoped. PPT kept crashing during it. I did everything I could have, I think, and it wasn't really my fault, but I feel bad. Blah.
5(4) Wish I was close to my sister. She just doesn't like me. Treats me different than her friends. Maybe some kind of sibling rivalry, can't see me as an equal. I don't know. Makes me sad...6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons
9(5) Felt very lonely this weekend. Day off today, but raining like crazy and leaking into basement. Blah.10(4) I just feel bad. Lost. Floundering.11(3) Struggling. Yesterday I felt on the precipice, and then I fell in. Miserable night of self-pity and depression carries over to today. Rain matches my mood. Day-long meeting at work. Ugh.
(3) I feel like saying things. I have all these things in my head. When I get particularly low, I tend to most need to talk, and it reminds me that I have no one who cares about anything I have to say.
12(5) Feeling a bit better today. Was close to not going for my Wed group run last night. It was so cool and damp and rainy. But I went because I needed the run, and I'm glad I did!13(3) It really hurts that these guys no longer want me to be their friend. Never gets easier, no matter how old you get. I don't know why or what I did. Went to bed last night feeling so unhappy...
(3) Thinking about why people don't like me. Maybe it's helpful for me to consider reasons and break it down.
14(5) Saturday... Went for a run, felt crummy during it but glad I can till run on bad days. Having a beer at my favorite pub before tackling the grocery store crowds. Swear I'm the only one here alone.
(3) The best thing for lonely, sad nights is going to bed ridiculously early and ignoring the world. Sleep life away. Easier that way.
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16(4) Colder weather, dreary. Fitting for Monday. Stomach is off from too much beer and food this weekend. So tired...17No Reasons18(5) Fall is a time of transition, and I'm feeling that a lot lately. Lonely, but October has been a lonely, quiet month. Slept better last night at least...feeling ok this morning. Just kind of sad.
(3) I'm feeling very beaten down today. Like a heavy weight is on me, and it's hard to look up from the ground. All sorts of nagging, depressing thoughts. Really hard to concentrate on work today.
19No Reasons20(4) Still mired in this low patch. Blaming it on transition of the seasons and nothing interesting going on to take my mind of things. More races in November, holidays, etc. should hopefully help!21No Reasons22No Reasons
23(4) Feeling icky this morning, likely due to eating so poorly over the weekend. Bad night's sleep last night. Weather changing, getting colder. Busy weekend, but not a great one. And now it's Monday. Sigh24(4) Had a dream I was with a lovely woman...sad I only feel wanted and cared for in my dreams. Sad I had to wake up. Windy and rainy. Sad weather. Sad sad sad.25(4) Rough night last night. Leg hurt, and couldn't find a comfortable position for it. Stomach was really bad; though I was going to get sick. Still not feeling well today...26(6) Feeling better. Stomach seems to be ok after all. Had a fun scavenger hunt run thing last night that made me happy. Looking ahead, considering crazy races for next spring. Fun to think about...27(6) Nice run last night. Talked to a pretty girl, which is always nice. (She's way too young for me, and another guy was obviously into her...) Glad it's the weekend. Parents coming up again, should be ok
(6) Looking at spring 50-mile races, preferably somewhere out of town so I can run and spend a few days sightseeing and celebrating after. Makes me feel good to think ahead.
28No Reasons29(6) Meditated today for the first time in months...felt amazing. Plan to get up 30 min earlier starting tomorrow to do some strength exercises (for my legs) and mediate. Will see if I can keep that up!
30(5) Poor night's sleep and up 30 min earlier than usual has me pretty tired this morning. Really strong winds and weird weather has me feeling out of sorts. But pretty good weekend and easy day today...31(5) Throat's a little scratchy today. Done with this stupid Halloween stuff. Never cared much for the 'holiday'. Getting up 30 min earlier last two days has me very sleepy this morning. And it's cold!
  1(4) One of those nights where you keep looking at the clock and counting how much sleep you can still get if you fall asleep right NOW! Ugh. Tired. Cold, dreary day. Going to be a long one...2(3) I was all dressed to go run last night with the Wed group. It was cold (40F) and rainy. I wimped out. Instead, I ate McDonald's and drank beer. I hate myself for being so weak.3(5) Nothing new to say. A 5 for Friday, otherwise still feeling low.4No Reasons5No Reasons
6(6) Not a bad weekend. Ran a lot - 18 on Saturday, 10 on Sunday. Legs feel surprisingly good. Signed up for 50-mile race in May. Makes me feel rather badass. 4-day week this week.7(4) Cold today. Fall is finally here. Felt like I didn't get enough sleep last night. My only good friend in the area told me in 5 years he and his wife are moving. Makes me sad...will have no one.8(5) Trouble staying motivated at work...not getting a lot done, which makes the days seem so long. Have to recommit, I guess. Going to be so cold for this weekend's race...dreading the cold!9(5) Was close to going out and eating/drinking instead of running with group last night. Would have enjoyed it more in short term but felt worse long term. So I guess that's a win. Was an ok run. So cold!10(5) It's 20F at 5 pm, and my run doesn't start for 1.5 hours. Been sitting around all day, waiting for this. Thinking how nice it would be if I didn't run and I could stay home and be warm and comfortable11(5) This morning's run was 5 miles at 25 degrees F. Loads of cold mud! Rest of the day, I had stuff I should be doing but just want to sit on the couch in warm room. Ah well, still a good accomplishment.
(3) Lonely tonight.
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13(5) Long weekend of running. Yesterday was 11 miles at 30°F. Was nice to be around people all weekend, though the cold did a number on me. Stomach not feeling good at all today. :/14(5) Work is starting to pile up. Feel a lot of pressure in my chest and jaw. Anxiety and stress is all. Trying to find balance.15(5) Meeting with a guy today about possibly helping me train for my big runs next year. Kinda nervous, oddly. Not sure I can really afford it, but it would help with motivations and not getting hurt!16(5) Met with the running coach last night. Hope he's able to help me with my running goals. Had 2 beers with neighbor after and nasty hangover headache kept me up last night. Not sure why!
(6) Potential for new opportunity at work, moving from developer to manager. Boss thinks it would be great for me. Will happen very quickly (if it happens). I'm intrigued but cautious.
17(5) Another crazy run tomorrow. Do as many loops/miles as you want in 8 hours and then socialize with other crazy runners. Wanted to do at leas 50k, but supposed to be cold, rainy and windy all day! :(18No Reasons19No Reasons
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