4.9 avg
  921 days
  8599 hugs
 1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(5) Last day of Winter Break. Will be weird when they go back tomorrow. Took a good nap today. Daughter's 12th bday went well. Finally have $ again. Will buy candy & secret fast food. Still bingeing.
7No Reasons8No Reasons9(6) Had to take them to school but was able to come home & go back to sleep. Showered, blood draw, car wash, grocery. I've already spent $20 & half of it was a lunch. So stupid. Bought another book.10(4) UGH! I got double charged for bananas the other day but it was only a $1. Fulfilled my book buying obsession by finding two books for $8 but just checked my bank account & she charged me twice. ?11(5) Didn't hear them leave this morning but woke up 15 minutes later. Went back to sleep & slept till 11AM. Felt so good. Getting ready to eat some Biriyani. Think I'm going to do yoga today. Tired.
(6) Daughter has a 1.5 hour play practice starting now. Don't think BF will stay & wait which means I'll have to go out. Really gotta watch my speeding. Someone suggested the closest to speed limit game.
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21No Reasons22(5) Where have I been? Not sure. BF took a day off work last week & we binged 'You' which was fun because I had read the book. 2.5 hour play practices for daughter this week. Public performance on Feb 1.23No Reasons24(6) 2 hour school delay. Saw them off & slept till NOON! Clozapine? No caffeine? Winter? Depression? Who the f*ck knows? $2 in my bank account. Have 4 king size Twizzler packs in my purse. ED ED ED ED ED.25(7) Cleaned both bathrooms, the downstairs shower, took a shower, shaved my legs, & took a nap. All amazing! BF home, daughter at play practice. Best pizza around for dinner. So super pumped over food. ?26(5) Reading a book & a VERY uncomfortable topic comes up reminding me of BF & his ex. I can't give details but just know it wrecked my mood last night. I was looking forward to a fun night all day. Tired.
(6) Our good Panda friend, John, has created a google doc open to us Pandas so that we can exchange contact info without revealing our names or main email addresses. Join us! https://goo.gl/Ufb286
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28No Reasons29(5) Day 1 w/o weed. Getting more tomorrow or Thursday. I needed a tolerance break anyway. -37F wind chill in the morning. Have already cancelled therapy & am going for bloodwork after BF gets home today.30(7) Day 2 w/o weed. It's been a long ass time since I went a day w/o getting high. School cancelled today & tomorrow. BF & daughter playing video games & I'm relaxing with them. F*cking lost it a...31(6) Tired. Without vaping I have to take sleep aids. BF went to bed before me & that never happens. I carry this general feeling of tiredness & what I describe as a 'cottony' feeling in my head.
    1(5) School cancelled 3rd day in a row. Glad to have them home. Will be sad when things return to normal. Still no smoke. Vaped on Tuesday, tried a ton of edible fudge & almost puked on Wed. Sober since.
(6) Getting smoke tomorrow. I'll wait till daughter goes to her sleepover to do it. Hoping I get f*cked up since I've had a tolerance break. Pretty sure it'll rock me. Fun! Restricting. Dropping pounds.
2(3) Woke up to a f*cking panic attack. Not like I can't breathe, just SUPER INTENSE chest pain. It hurts so bad & lasts 20+ minutes. Finally feel better but afraid of another one that won't happen today.3(6) Daughter went to sleepover last night & I pissed BF off bcuz I didn't want to 'do it' when he asked me as I was going to bed at 1:30AM. He scraped together a couple bowls for me so I vaped last...
4(7) BF had the day off & daughter had an orthodontist appointment this morning so it's been an awesome day. Lots of good food from the Amish store. Finally got my bud. 'Banana OG'. Holy sh*t! It's potent!5No Reasons6(5) BAD night last night. Yelled, wanted to throw something, wanted to hit BF, shoved dinner plate & table, & then went & cried myself to sleep. Also yelled at the cat a lot. Called my psychiatrist but...7(10) Today is a big day. It marks my 900th day of MoodPanda! I can't believe I've been with you Pandas for so long. Everyone here is like family to me. I truly don't know what I'd do without you! Yep, a10!8(6) Friday. Daughter's public performance of the play is tonight. BF's parents will be there (separately, but with us). I'm so fat. I ate so much today. Hate hate hate. Dyeing my hair on Tuesday. Ready?9(3) Slept in. Irritable, sad, crying. Supposed to go see the Lego movie today but I don't want to go. Fighting tears now. Clozapine upped by 25mg. Start new dose tonight. I thought I made progress. Right.
(2) BF pushes & pushes. He doesn't understand that I can't control this. I'm asking for help! I locked the bedroom door & called ex-stepdad. Walked out of there. BF screaming over me. Daughter called...
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11No Reasons12(2) I HATE my hair. Doesn't even look close to what I wanted. You can't tell a difference in the blonde, green, blue color that it was before we started. I've texted her & hopefully we'll get it fixed.13(5) Therapy, lots covered, Bloodwork, groceries, bought another book. 4 people commented on my hair. I told them how it didn't really turn out how I wanted but they said it still looks good. Not so bad.14No Reasons15(5) Unloaded dishwasher, swept kitchen floor, cleaned both bathrooms, & ate too much. Glad it's the weekend & I won't binge during the day. Sleeping in, taking naps, thinking about taking naps..tired.16No Reasons17(5) They've found a new church that is perfect for them. I actually heard BF's alarm this morning. I stayed up so I can vape & do yoga. Read 300+ pages of a good book yesterday. Will finish it today.
18(5) Saw psychiatrist today. Talked a lot about med options for all the obsessive thinking. Doesn't want to try while I'm on so many meds. Hopeful. I also asked about a 1 pill benzo script for my panic...19(5) Slept in. Washed my hair with cold water in the bathroom sink. Wasn't so bad. Only a little light pink came out. Want to take a nap. Blood work tomorrow. I cannot buy a book. Eating too much. 142 lbs.20(6) School cancelled. Bloodwork & groceries. I bought a book. Bought one Monday too. Won't get if cheaper on Amazon though so there's that. Texted Mom at noon & she never replied. Not like her. Worried.21No Reasons22(5) Daughter staying with MIL tonight. Lil Bro might come over tomorrow. It would make me so happy. BF spending a lot of money. Bought an iPad Pro & now tons of new clothes. He could've let me be open...23No Reasons24No Reasons
25(4) Slept through the night which never happens. Can't eat if you're sleeping! I've felt tired all day though. Dusted & vacuumed the office. Laundry because BF ran out of dress socks. Want to eat & sleep.26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons
    1(5) Cleaned the shower & then took a (much needed) shower & even shaved my legs. Going out to dinner with R.'s mom & stepdad for his bday. I will probably eat a lot & I'm positive she'll say something.
(10) Because I'm only 1 of 3 people that knows, I can't say anything yet except here, but MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!! My only full blooded sibling. Soon to turn 34 so this was not expected. I can't wait...
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4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7(8) Dyed my hair again. Now it's GREEN! I love it. She curled it which makes me feel pretty. Glad to be done with the week. Going to see Captain Marvel this weekend. Disability paperwork for me & BF.8No Reasons9(3) My sister can't decide if she wants to terminate her pregnancy or not. She says the father is a terrible person & she doesn't want to bring a child into the world with him as a father. She wants...10No Reasons
11No Reasons12No Reasons13(5) My sister has decided to terminate. She saw a car wreck & realized she wouldn't want to leave her child with it's father if something were to happen to her. Therapy today. She's really trying to...14(5) Therapist said to pick a container to put all the bad thoughts, memories in & we'll pull them out one at a time to talk about & let go of them. Told Sis & she said her psych said to do the same thing!15(5) Daughter home sick from school. We were supposed to go to dinner with Big Bro & fam tonight. Going to try to set up a time when Lil Bro can join us. Need to wash my hair (bathroom sink, cold water).
(2) I AM THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. I gave daughter a dose of acetaminophen for her fever & then gave her a dose of cold medicine that also has acetaminophen in it. We had to have her induce vomiting.
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18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21(5) Tired & no motivation. Forgot to report that my psychiatrist lowered my Lamictal & Geodon to help with the drowsiness & then raised my Trileptal while leaving the Clozapine the same. Time to nap.22(6) Spring break! One week off school. We are all pumped. Sister applied to prison nursing job she used to do when she lived up here. Hopefully she will move home. I would be so happy! It'd be a friend!23(6) Trip to my state's capital to go to a specialty grocery store & burger place for lunch. Hope the store isn't crowded. It's always stressful because it's a small building. Trying to remain positive.24No Reasons
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