4.9 avg
  837 days
  7853 hugs
  165 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2(6) Went out in 3F twice this morning & will be going back out again. It was -11F this morning. Coat & car keep me warm though. Therapy tomorrow. Nothing to talk about. Think I might go back to monthly.3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons
8(5) First day back @school. Alarm went off @6:30 & we realized it's a 2 hour delay due to freezing rain. Daughter & I stayed up. Will be weird w/them gone. Have chores. Psych said not to weigh for month.9(6) Slept till 11. Meditated for 30 minutes & then started my day. Haven't done much. Playing a game called 'Night in the Woods'. Think it's supposed to be about mental health. Dreading dinner. Yuck.10No Reasons11(6) Busy day yesterday. Great therapy session. Was able to talk about sex more than I have before which really made me feel better. Going to double my meditations so I'm doing it about 6 times a day.12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(3) BF pressuring me into sex. Told him we just did it 3 x two weeks ago, 1 x last week, & it's only Wed. Very upsetting after just having truly discussed it in therapy last week. Did express feelings.18(5) Stupid fight w/BF this morning. Later text saying we're going to bring good vibes into the house. Big grocery trip. Washed car. Just gotta pick up BF & then daughter later. Finish chores tomorrow.19(3) BF decided to tell me he was out of undershirts this morning as he went to put one on. Is it really so hard to say, 'I'm RUNNING out of undershirts.' Bad mood. Lots of chores. Just wanna stay in bed.20(5) Up @midnight. 2 hours ago. Gonna watch 'Lost in Translation' for the millionth time. BF will get mad because there is so much more to watch, but it's a fave & I feel like being comforted right now.21No Reasons
22No Reasons23No Reasons24(4) Psychologist order to be on MP more. Back to checking in at least once daily. Treating it just like my meditations. Good session. Some homework. Have to go back to town after having just been there.?25(6) Don't remember it, but fell asleep while reading last night. BF must've put away Kindle, glasses, & phone. Wonky sleep lately. Up all hours of night/sleeping till 1PM. Psychologist wants me to...26(8) I'm faking 8 because I'm really excited about daughter's play tonight, but BF has already pissed me off. I try to please him & he doesn't even acknowledge it. I feel like crying. I've been so excited.27No Reasons28No Reasons
29(5) Been playing a lot of Civilization VI lately. Can keep me lost for entire days. Feel like something is wrong. Not meditating & MoodPanda-ing enough. Want to do summary of day instead of BF not home.30(3) Bad stuff earlier tonight. Can't get into it. Woke at 1:30AM. Hadn't been asleep long. Don't want to go back to the bed & it's almost 4AM. Hope to sleep the day away or Netflix it away. No gaming.31(3) Actually had to try & go back to sleep this morning. Up again before 11AM. Put effort into lunch because I'm down to 106lbs. Suicide on my mind even though I would NEVER do that to daughter. Sucks.
February
MTWTFSS
   1(4) So I scared the sh*t outta my Mom & BF yesterday. I had posted a picture on IG with a lyric about suicide because, yes, it was on my mind. I was just expressing my feelings. Mom called twice in a...2(3) Ugh. I updated & replied yesterday, but nothing saved. Sorry, guys. Another bad day yesterday. Screamed at the tippity top of my lungs TWICE while home alone. Losing it. Want to go on vacation.3(2) Woke up early, but felt good after a successful night. Things were going along great until BF started going on how you shouldn't have to tell people you're depressed. It's a symptom! Of an illness!4(5) Was alone w/BF yesterday so I drank to cope after his stupid comment. Drink after drink all afternoon & evening ending in a nice big puke before bed. Wish I wouldn't have done that. No drinking today.
5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons8(4) Haven't been taking my sleeping pill so back up in the middle of the night. No therapy yesterday bcuz school was cancelled & I was going straight there after dropping them off. Receptionist was rude.9No Reasons10(7) The switch has flipped & I'm manic again. Up @2:30AM, Up @5:00AM when just days ago I was taking naps which I never do. I know it's bad, but damn do I feel refreshed. Therapy Tuesday, med check Wed.11(4) Slept a normal amount of sleep but still feel tired. Waiting to hear when I need to go pick something up. Raining. Should've stayed in bed. Depression & mania mixed sucks.Over 4 months now. I'm tired.
12No Reasons13(5) Therapy this morning. He emphasized AGAIN how I need to be using my online support systems. Must do this daily. Med check tomorrow. Feel decent today but it comes & goes. Spent too much at store.14(6) Drove on the Interstate for the first time in over 6 years. Very productive day. Increasing Geodon & checking Lithium levels & kidney. BF's aunt coming over Monday to borrow books. Gotta CLEAN!15(4) Serious stuff. Down to 104lbs. Not trying. I think it's more mania fast metabolism. My goal was to GAIN weight. Back to eating a sh*t ton of food. Went to bed early & wasn't tired when I got up.16(5) Waited all day for blood work results call yesterday & it never came. The hospital is usually quick to return results. Hope everything is ok & they call today. Up @1:30AM-2:30AM, back up @5AM.17No Reasons18No Reasons
19No Reasons20(3) Really good job updating everyday, Manda. It's 2AM & I'm up like every night. Actually feel hints of sleepiness though so should prob lay back down. Good morning & afternoon then lost it yesterday.21No Reasons22(5) BF had dental surgery gone wrong. Still out getting his meds. He is NOT going to be happy when he gets home. Blood work ok. Thought I was better but keep losing my sh*t. Like BIG TIME lose it.23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons
26(3) Exhausted. I'm SO sick of this episode. 5 months now. BF stayed home on Fri. Trileptal dizzy followed by evening of puking on Sat. Visit MIL in hospital yesterday. I'm still way too skinny. Hard time.27No Reasons28No Reasons
March
MTWTFSS
   1(4) Therapy yesterday. Going to start taking notes in there. Told him how I got so sick over the weekend & he had me tell a nurse before I left. She wanted me to tell my med lady who said my blood...2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons
5(5) SO TIRED. Up late adulting. Went straight to Amish store after dropping them off this AM. Far away. Came home & ate lunch. Went to hometown to spend time with (ex)stepdad. Very nice. Puked in morn.6No Reasons7(6) Despite being up since 3:30AM, I feel great. Yesterday was a really good day. I think the increased Lithium &/or winter finally wrapping up is doing it. Reported puking again & we lowered suspect med.
(10) I almost forgot! I've talked about MoodPanda in therapy so much that my psychologist is now going to recommend it to his Bipolar patients to help see mood patterns & thrive in a supportive community.
8(5) Anxiety. Set up appt w/my 2nd therapist because I guess I need one? Med lady sent me there. Also have appt with my first psychiatrist via video call. Stopping Trileptal bcuz of the puking & dizziness.9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons
12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15(5) What?! 7 days since I updated?! Wtf have I been doing?! New therapist tomorrow. Super nervous about it. Will feel SO good once I'm back home. Eating LOTS of fruits & veggies. Starting yoga on Monday.16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons
19No Reasons20(5) Met w/new therapist again. She is pretty new age. Nothing like my psychologist who is in the process of retiring. Still trying to gain weight. A bit more motivation to get things done going on.21No Reasons22No Reasons23(7) Spring Break for BF & daughter starts NOW! We are so pumped! Some stuff to do but LOTS of relaxing. Appt w/psychiatrist via video call on Thurs. Super nervous. Worse than phone anxiety!24No Reasons25No Reasons
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April
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2(6) Spring Break over. Sad for them to go back but feeling good today. Psychiatrist appt went well. Started antidepressant. Kept saying I had a “sensitive” case of Bipolar Disorder. Warned psych hospital.3(5) Waiting to have blood drawn. The stupid nurse didn't put a date on the order so they've had to fax it to my Mental Health Center & now I'm waiting for the fax back. Psychologist appt in an hour.4(4) EXHAUSTED. We can't figure out if it's depression, lack of nutrients, or both. Appt w/dietitian. Lots of laundry, cleaned kitchen sinks, eating, & yoga. Want to get in bed but I'll be picked up soon.5(4) Less motivation today. Actually slept in but still so tired. HUGE blow up last night. Came close to hitting BF in the head with a full water bottle. So crazy. Definitely still in 6 month long episode.6(2) Off to a rough start. Normal morning conversation turned bad. Lots of arguing. They finally left, but BF forgot something so it turned even worse. Bad night. Argue, lecture, crying, su*c*d*l thoughts.
(1) Not well. I'm still screaming at not here BF & even screamed at cat which means cuckoo. I've been crying all day & just wait till BF gets started. He's going to be mad I'm not eating fast enough. Die.
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9No Reasons10(3) Starting to feel better now that I've stopped Wellbutrin. Still bad off though. Have already cried today. Stupid ED complicating everything. Forgot meds Sat night & went thru hell. F*ck everything.11(1) I haven't cried this much since my dad died years ago & it's not even noon. Just another Manda f*ck-up this morning, but I really can't take this much longer. See psychiatrist tomorrow. Need him ASAP.12(4) Went to bed early. Didn't even 'relax' which says a lot. Kept my distance last night to not cause trouble. Thought I'd make it this morn, but more 'pushback' from me. Two f*ck-ups before 7:30AM. WTG!13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons
16(6) Feeling SO much better. Started Latuda, weaning off Geodon, & cut Lamictal in half. No idea why he changed those. Been on them 11 years. Feeling hunger. Food tastes good. Therapy & dietitian tomorrow.17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(5) WHEW! I've returned. I got REALLY sick. Non-stop puking for over a week. 97 lbs. Ended up in ER & was then admitted to hospital. Lithium levels too high. They had to call poison control. Scary stuff.28(6) Long day. Took a nap. Unloaded dishwasher yesterday & was dead afterwards. Definitely didn't do anything today. Chores are so backed up though. BF will help with laundry tomorrow. So thirsty!29No Reasons
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May
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Slept in. Folded laundry BF carried to bed this morning & washed hand wash pieces. Vacuumed kitchen rug & office. Wiped down kitchen surfaces. Too much! Doctor appt in morning. UTI should be gone.2No Reasons3(3) $200 grocery trip by myself one week after coming home from hospital. I thought I was going to die. Went to bed super early. Woke up at 10:30PM wanting to 'relax' since I got it today, but BF said no.4(5) So I 'relaxed' a tiny bit after it got to be past midnight & I was wide awake. Had taken natural sleep aide & Tylenol PM. BF doesn't want me doing that. Still woke up at 4:30AM. Gotta do more chores.5(4) I turn 37 today. Everything started out so wonderfully until BF made a side comment about 'adult time' that set me the wrong way. Dinner out & lil bro is joining us or else I'd cancel. Gonna drink.6No Reasons
7No Reasons8No Reasons9(6) Spent snuggle time w/BF last night whil watching a movie which actually led to a good time. Gave kitchen a good cleaning & did lots of laundry today. Pooped now. Indian for dinner. I'm starving!10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons
14No Reasons15No Reasons16(2) I am not well without the Lithium. Have to see the psychiatrist that basically did this to me tomorrow. I don't know how I'll do it. So nervous it makes me cry. Supposed to be my own advocate.17(4) Appointment in 5 hours. Gotta keep my mind busy. Just want this to be over with & me doing my regularly scheduled grocery shopping afterwards. Have gained so much weight. No more caloric beverages.18(6) Feeling surprisingly well despite being up multiple times during the night & up for good at 4AM. Appt went well. Lasted 30 min longer than I expected. He is considering Lithium as an option. BF...19No Reasons20(2) I can't take this much longer. I f*ck EVERYTHING up. I mean everything. BF is not finding a god bcuz of me. It was just timing. He's said it would permanently hurt all of us if I left but I need to.
21(5) My mood graph is solid evidence of a Bipolar mixed episode. I'm so all over the place. BF & I came together for quite a night. Everything feels good for a moment. I know it'll all come crashing again.22(6) Crap night for sleep. Tried to go to bed super early bcuz I felt so sad & started having those bad thoughts. Took natural sleep aide. Slept till 11:30PM. Read then took Tylenol PM & hidden sleeping...23No Reasons24No Reasons25(4) I'm so sick of this rollercoaster! BF's last day of work. Was doing so good until stupid argument & now I'm drinking the second he went back after lunch, JUST having said I'm doing well w/drinking.26No Reasons27No Reasons
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June
MTWTFSS
    1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons
4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9(4) Coincidence that my last post was BF's last day? No. I'm trying SO hard to be normal. It doesn't always work but I'm getting better. He doesn't like when I'm on my phone. Only 2 more sessions w/psych.10(4) Such stupid miscommunication last night. I wanted to 'relax', hang out, adult time after daughter went to bed @10PM. He woke me up to straight 'relax' & adult time @1AM. That obviously didn't happen.
11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15(5) Hanging in there. Went to eye doctor. Getting BLUE glasses! Daughter got 4 baby teeth pulled. Was so sad. Got totally f*cked when I went for a Pap. Waited 1 hour in a gown for a no show doc. My luck!16No Reasons17No Reasons
18No Reasons19(5) Bad arguement yesterday about religion. BF packed away Atheism books. He had Bibles & other religious texts the whole time he was an Atheist. I felt daughter should have a variety of religion books.
(3) Just found out the lady that has handled my meds the whole 11.5 years I've been on them wants the psychiatrist that landed me in the hospital with Lithium toxicity to take over the handling of...
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25(5) BF is out having lunch with a very religious friend that he hasn't seen in 6 years when they were in the same college courses. Should be interesting to see how it goes.26(6) BF had a good lunch w/his friend. Told me he asked if a priest would marry us without the paperwork. Friend said if you find the right one. So surprised by this. Really means a lot that he thought it.27No Reasons28No Reasons29(4) BF AND daughter going to a Catholic Church with a friend on Sunday. Don't know how I will handle this. Less than 2 weeks until we leave to see my parents & go to the beach!30No Reasons
July
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(2) So screwed up. Learning I've been abandoned over & over & over (etc) my whole life & that's the true root of all my problems (besides the diagnosed disorders). Explaining so much. Sad I'm losing...5No Reasons6No Reasons7(1) I truly believe I'm the worst human alive besides criminals. I can't even believe what I did this morning. I am too ashamed to share. Brings many tears. Daughter prob hates me for life. I hate myself.
(3) Feeling a bit better this morning. Took sleep meds last night after having taken natural sleep aide & OTC sleep med that morning. Harry Potter movie marathon this morning but BF just cancelled.
8No Reasons
9No Reasons10(3) BIG therapy session. Basically said goodbye to my psychologist even though I'll see him on the 25th when I meet my new therapist. Lots of crying. Abandonment & anger talk. Leaving in 2 days. Thought..11(5) Up at 4:30AM but so is daughter because we went to bed super early. It's fine because the plan is to pull out of here at 6AM tomorrow. I mania spent $ on new clothes yesterday after...12No Reasons13(8) I made it here without spazzing in the car (only a couple irritable moments that didn't escalate & were diffused quickly), only crying once, & even drove on the Interstate for a few hours which has...14(6) Having a great time besides both a near panic attack & cried my eyes out in bed last night. Sis on her way & we're all going to the beach again. No probs being in the swimsuit. Not sure how it'll...15(8) Such a big day yesterday. Beach again with Sis included (no problems there), dinner, walk along the MarshWalk, Sunset Cruise, hanging out on the pier, hair wrap, & night walk along the beach. Perfect!
16(5) On our way home. We said goodbye last night so I wouldn't have to be a mess as we were pulling out this morning. It was hard. I cried A LOT & gave long, hard hugs. I told them how I've felt bad for...17(2) Mega lost my sh*t on the car ride home. Took two of the pills I was supposed to if that happened. Ended up not talking the last several hours. Cried. BF said my 'medicinal plant' is the only thing...18(5) Pretty good day. Lots of irritable moments but they all eventually passed. Played Fortnite w/BF, Lil Bro, & Nephew. We kicked a** & I was basically killin it. So much fun! Dinner Fri w/Big Bro & fam.19(7) So far so good. (Well, give me a little credit.) Making sure I do at least 20 min of yoga every morning. It's helping. Coming off caffeine. Gonna have to do a bit of weaning. There goes though GFuels!20(3) Ugh. Don't know what's going on. Amazing hyper sexual times still (I feel like electricity & BF could set me off if he were across the world), but bad vibes this morning. Was supposed to wake...
(7) Went out for dinner w/older bro & fam. Wasn't nervous at all & had totally forgotten about email asking about religion. Sis-in-law talked about getting a beach house down there for us all to hang...
21(5) Rainy day. Went out for Indian teas. Woke BF up this morning, but no go. He said it's like I'm flooring it w/a stiff leg. ? He watched me do yoga. Lots of planking. Said he can see I'm getting fit!?22(2) Tearful. BF & daughter off to church again. Still not used to it. Took 'medicine' when I woke up as usual & because I knew I'd need it before they left. BF tells me to do it to avoid bad...
23(2) Meant to post about 4AM but couldn't be bothered. BF said he & daughter were going to hang out till midnight so I woke at 11:30 to wait for her to go to bed. He ended up letting her stay up till 2AM.
(2) Drinking. Just want to numb the feelings. Told Mom about sex problem. She thinks it's silly he begged for it to be every night & now he can't bothered. It's helped me release so much built up...
24No Reasons25No Reasons26(4) Said goodbye to psychologist yesterday. Was HARD. He hugged me. I cried a lot in there & f*cking lost it as soon as I stepped out the door. Had to pick up meds. They screwed up so I had to...27No Reasons28(3) Woke up 2 hours later than usual. Upset. Skipped bfast. Couldn't do yoga. Finally did after lunch. In bed reading. Out to dinner with (ex)stepdad tonight. Going almost 2 hours from our house to there!29No Reasons
30No Reasons31(7) Feeling hopeful. Saw psychiatrist today. Stopping antidepressant & starting new antipsychotic. He wanted to wean my current one as I start new one but not taking risks. Had to inform him I...
August
MTWTFSS
  1(4) Been up since 3AM. Took the new med which should've knocked me out did not do so. I was tired before I took it so can't say it helped that. Mania! Daughter having friend over. Cried lots this morning.2No Reasons3(3) 3:30AM. Have got 1 hour of sleep tonight. Supposed to be in our bed with daughter for a sleepover. I've tried all the tricks except nighttime cold medicine. Might end up doing it. I hate this. ?4No Reasons5(3) So f*cking irritable. Close to taking the med he gave me for car trip if this feeling started. He said I could. Lots of sadness, crying yesterday. Calling tomorrow. The new med is making things worse.
6(3) 4AM. Somehow really screwed up even though I did nothing wrong. BF goes into work this morning. School starts Wed. Trying so hard to remain strong. This is difficult when I'm stable. Not sure...7(2) Well, my psychiatrist just told me we were running out of options & that I might need to think about ECT, inpatient, or 2nd opinion which will be back to the lady I worked with for the first 6...8(5) I don't know what's going on, but I didn't cry when BF & daughter left for school. I thought I was gonna break down bawling as I waved goodbye, but nope. I hope this continues throughout the day!9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12(2) Not well. Punched BF in the arm this morning (in the garage & daughter was sleeping upstairs with a friend). Actually hurt him for the first time bcuz I'm strong now. ? Will never do that again.
13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16(3) Cried a lot today.Found out about the new pretty 25 yr old art teacher. I may look good at 37, but I can't compete with a 25 year old. I hate this. I hate myself. Already crying again while vapeing.
(1) I can't take this anymore. So much crying. I am so sad. I f*ck everything up. I actually want to go away at this point. I want this all over. I'm really not well at all.
17(1) I made BF cry. A lot. I'm the worst human on the planet. He shouldn't have to put up with me. I tried to tell him I need to go so I'd stop hurting them, but he said no. He's stuck w/me. I hate this.18(5) Daughter spent night w/MIL last night. We had a mostly relaxing evening. I'm sure I caused trouble multiple times throughout the night though. I always do. Edibles don't work for me. Bummer.19(5) Said a bad word in earlier post. Sorry guys! So far, so good today. Let's see if I can make it a whole day without crying.
20No Reasons21(6) I haven't cried since I last posted! I've had some irritable moments but pushed through. I don't know if it's the med starting to work. Definitely increased appetite which is why I stopped it before.22(7) I feel pretty normal! Didn't go back to sleep, stayed in bed w/Chromebook, cleaned BOTH bathrooms INCLUDING shower, took a shower, & unloaded the dishwasher. Vaping on deck. Beautiful out here.????23No Reasons24(5) Should be rating higher. Spent day w/daughter & lil bro. He's got an infected wisdom tooth & she has a bad cough. Pharmacy screwed up 3x in a row. I said 'what the f*ck' in a sh*tty way & walked away.25(5) 4.5 bcuz of this morning. Couldn't do my usual routine which threw me off. Irritable & cried. Got on track & feel better. A setback that was bound to happen. Done drinking except maybe when I'm out.26(5) Just a day, I guess. Stayed in bed, BF & daughter didn't go to church, ran an errand, stomach not feeling well... BF knows I weigh 120lbs. Said I look good. Very toned. I'm proud of myself!
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30(5) Can't sleep. Went out for iced coffees. Took the ice out of BF's so it wouldn't get watered down. He will appreciate it. See psychiatrist today. I can finally report improvement! About damn time!31(5) Can't sleep again. You can see by my graph, I'm pretty evened out though. Phew! Reduced Geodon & raised Zyprexa. Everything is still there, just dialed WAY back (except the hyper sexuality thing ?).
September
MTWTFSS
     1(4) Been up since wee hours. Didn't bother to check time. Went & got Indian teas. Just needed to get out. Want to run away. Must get smoke. Bad times ahead if not. Psychiatrist says pot could be bad. ?2No Reasons
3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(5) Have lost it again. Threw my shoes & screamed. BF restrained & I fought hard. Ugly bruises on legs. Still in sex overdrive except last night was cancelled. Cried HARD at one point but can't remember.7No Reasons8(5) Cold & rainy day. It's gonna be a loooooooooooooong winter.9(5) Still raining & cold plus I'm sick. Didn't do yoga this morning. Muscles tight. Have been playing Fortnite w/BF. Want to sleep. 125lbs. Gotta gain some kind of control w/food. Considered purging.
(6) Joints are NASTY?after getting spoiled with a vaporizer, but it's nice to have one to myself. Admitted to BF & daughter that I eat a big spoonful of Nutella in the middle of the night every night.?
10(5) Those psych meds sure do flatten your mood. Guess this is preferred? Abusive ex texted. Took hours, but I finally replied & let him know now was not a good time bcuz I need to focus on getting better.11No Reasons12(2) F*ck BF. I said he sometimes chews with his mouth open & he denies it. Like I would make that up?! Too irritated to finish dinner. Read in bed all day besides small breaks to do a few chores.13No Reasons14(4) Parents & Sis over an hour apart but getting & going to get wrecked by Hurricane Florence. Sis already w/o power. Only strong winds at parents' so far, rain starting later. Trying not worry. Failing.15(3) Drinking. I was a month & a half sober. All bcuz of lack of access to the greenery medicine. Bought last month & this month's 6 packs. So disappointed in myself but I might as well get drunk. Stupid.16No Reasons
17(5) Rough morning. Daughter had an appt & we went grocery shopping. Didn't want to go, BF insisted & then changed his mind after I was dressed. Of course I refused to stay home after that & said I...
(1) I want to end it. The tears are pouring. My mind is going 800 million miles a second. I need to get the hell outta here but BF won't let me leave. Thinking up crazy plans like renting a car &...
18No Reasons19No Reasons20(5) Feeling hopeful. Forgot to record another physically aggressive incident w/BF & in front of daughter. Yelling, screaming, kicking, hitting, shoved kitchen table, threw a drink that left a dent. I...21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons
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