4.6 avg
  458 days
  10890 hugs
  1(5) Have been offline - staying mainly at M's house, looking after him. Better than he was, tho won't know for 3 months whether medication to dissolve blood clots in his lungs is working.he is still off2(5) Doing some tidying, sitting reading with my cat. Should be doing more - there is a lot to be getting on with, including job search3(6) A neighbour left some beetroot on my front step - he knows how much I love it. Deserves a 6 of its own! Looking forward to cooking with it
(5) Had a really nice evening last night catching up with my neighbour/friend. He was away on holiday for a month and since then I've been away looking after M. Really missed his friendship and support.
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6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12(3) Last few days have been a bit of a meltdown.Slept most of weekend, avoiding people, making bad decisions without really caring.cold and snowy weather not helping me get out of bed.Tearful, sad.
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20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23(6) Snow! Storm Doris Day ( :) ) has arrived. I do love snow, even though I feel pretty down aside from that. Trying to focus on having a day sitting with my cat, books, and tea. Oh - and chocolate.24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27(3) Finances. Been on the edge for a while, just about keeping it going, but delays with getting benefits and no job is finally catching up with me. Been applying for jobs, keeping check on processing of
(2) ...and another job rejection. What a day to arrive. Not doing much for my already high levels of anxiety....
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  1No Reasons2(6) Been invited to interview - 2 posts on offer (1 permanent, 1 year long). Happy just to have been shortlisted, it's some encouragement in itself. Interview in couple of weeks, so time to prepare.3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons
6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9(4) Had to do online Excel and Word skills assessments for interview next week. Word was okay, but despite revising Excel that didn't go well. Sigh. I think I am better at it than the assessment will show10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons
13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18(5) Back online after several days with no phone/internet. Interview on Thursday was okay - will have to see if it was enough, should know early next week. Should see M today.19No Reasons
20No Reasons21(6) Snow! The beauty of it deserves a 6, even though I'm not feeling that...22(2) So sad to see the incident at Parliament - tragic, whether it's terrorism or something else. I worked in London for many years, and was at work on 7/7, and my manager's son was killed in the attack.23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27(3) Been feeling really down for about a week - lacking in motivation and confidence to do job applications, even tho I'm unemployed and on benefits so I need to be doing this, regardless of how I feel.28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31(2) Finance problems are immense - and no real solution in sight. That despair is seeping into everything, feeling pretty despondent and worthless. Yesterday I did get myself out of the house, and
     1(4) Period has arrived, which is misery but at least means that the high emotions of the last few days will eventually calm down a bit and I'll feel a bit more capable of managing the unmanageable. And2No Reasons
3No Reasons4(3) Had real difficulty getting out of bed today, would much rather wrap myself up in a cocoon than face my many problems, which I need to do something about or the consequences will be worse. Sat down
(4) Got showered and dressed, went outside (thank you, Jeff, for the reminder), did a couple of errands, ran into my kind neighbour. Made one of the ghastly finance related calls I needed to make.
5(4) Survived visit to JobCentre - signed on. Have 2 job applications due tomorrow and need to stop crying/worrying about future. Can't control it, must focus on stuff within my gift. Struggling. Sigh.6(4) 3am. Got a draft of the personal statement done and filled in most of the information on the online application form. Whenever I fill in a job application, I just want to shower afterwards - all that
(4) Up at 10, having tea, toast and meds, a little breathing space before I sit down to finalise job application which is due today. Phone rings - it's the chair of the interview panel, with the feedback
(5) Giving myself a 5 because I completed and submitted the damn job application. May not be very good, but it's done. Sometimes that's enough.
(5) Trying to keep that 5 going - washing up the unbelievable amount of stuff that has piled up over the last few days. Mainly I'm doing it because if it fell on me I'd be one flat panda
7(5) Had restless night of sleep - felt terribly cold even with duvet, hot water bottle, two extra blankets and my cat (who is like a 2nd hot water bottle). Cat woke me at 6 as usual and I fed her, did a8(4) Headache, sore throat, slept most of day. Got up to feed cat and myself. Throwing together a bit of dinner and then it might be back to bed. Need to get back to doing stuff tomorrow.9No Reasons
10No Reasons11No Reasons12(5) My bf sent me a story about the Queen needing to hire someone to break in her shoes. Have to be UK size 4 (like US 6), which I am - tho I Never thought that really small. Seemed to be commensurate13(6) Still not feeling 100% but definitely better.Had really helpful (free!) appointment with a careers adviser today. Not resolving financial problems but trying to focus on other necessary stuff too.14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons
17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22(4) Sorry I've been AWOL - and really for no particular reason :( Will be trying to catch up with posts; been thinking of you all even tho I haven't felt up to putting in an appearance....23(4) 3.30 am really bad period cramps, couldn't sleep. Does explain how crap I felt yesterday. Hot water bottle, tea, chocolate, book - stat.
24(5) Had email from M, who is on holiday in Spain this week, seems to be enjoying it. Need to do job search related stuff today and, I hope, some chores in flat. Having a strong cup of Earl Grey!
(5) Did get a bit of job search stuff done, and a bit in the flat, but not very motivated.Trying to end unhealthy friendship (relationship? Not sure) for umpteenth time, hope I don't backslide.Listening
25(4) Solely based on my feelings about cat's behaviour. I cannot play, or open and close the window every 2 seconds, because I am trying to apply for jobs to pay for your food!!Current food seems to be
(6) In the space of an hour I got invited to a job interview next week and had a call from an agency about a possible temp job starting on Tues! Never rains but it pours. Fingers crossed
26(5) Trying to stay positive - pleased about job search results yesterday, as it's a bit of hope, but don't know how I'm going to pay my rent in a few days. Managing anxiety is like a job in itself.
(4) Very hard to focus on anything, even reading - a lot of anxiety.Had hoped today I could catch up with other social media I use, including FB, as I haven't been on in quite a while.Not happening
(6) Had nice evening catching up with my neighbour/friend.
27(5) Very strange day - been asleep for most of it, completely unplanned. Feeling a bit under the weather, yet I'm sure I'm not ill. Whatever!28(5) Not sure how I'm feeling. This weekend will mainly be prep for my interview on Monday29(5) Slowly - very slowly - getting round to starting to do stuff. Making some lunch. Then must actually do something.30(5) Did do some interview prep yesterday, need to do some more today - and find some clean clothes :) Trying to focus just on this task, and not the personal and financial stuff that I need to deal with
1(2) Interview later this afternoon- trying to focus just on that and not myriad of other seemingly insurmountable problems. Thank you, dear Pandas, for all your hugs and messages of support for interview.
(5) Score just for interview: 5. Thought it went relatively well, certainly the best I've done while I've been unemployed. Felt their approach to work similar to mine. Will get decision in next couple of
2(4) 3(4) Letting agent discussed rent issue with me this morning - will do what she can to help me pressure council regarding my benefit appeal, but had to tell her that otherwise I'm way short of what I owe.4(2) Managed to get out of bed (1 pm) but very hard.Had that exhausted sleep when you have come to end of your resources and it feels like mind/body is trying to protect you.Could still sleep for hours.
(1) Spoke to council today - not good news, and emailed the letting agent. Obviously don't want to be evicted but not sure how I get more money together for this month's rent, or indeed, the following
5(4) Immediate panic over as between myself and R I have paid this month's rent, but of course I have no idea how I will pay beyond that so essentially eviction still hanging over me.
(6) Sat in sun in communal garden with my cat and talked with my neighbour/friend for a while - that rates a 6. Now back to reality, where everything is overwhelming me. Struggling to keep going.
(1) Haven't felt so low in....can't remember when. Went back to bed for a while, which I know wasn't good, but managed to get back up again. Trying to distract myself. Would put zero but scared to.
6(1) Not out of bed til 3pm (cat helped). Took meds, ate something, went out for a few essentials (eg cat food). Listless, drained, finding it hard to distract myself.7(2) Today was hard. Did do a few things tho - including taking my bin down to the streetSounds ludicrous, but means a high probability of seeing my neighbours and don't feel like talking/pasting on smile
8(2) Didn't get up til 1 pm, but at least I did get up. Made a dreaded phone call, ate, took meds. Didn't get the job I interviewed for - had guessed that, but confirmation was really discouraging. Tea.9(3) A lot of anxiety, tearfulness, feeling low - but think I am managing it a little better.10(3) Insomnia. Anxiety. 3 am. Great.
(3) Slept for well over 12 hours, unintentionally. Feel I could still sleep for hours. Struggling.
11(2) Slept so much over past couple of days, feeling cloudy headed during brief periods I am up. Got up at 1pm, determined that I must make some difficult calls about finances. Made one, ended in tears.12(3) Still not getting out of bed early enough, but making slow progess. Did job searching, tidying in the house. Waves of anxiety, even fear, some periods when I do little things, and of just feeling lost13(2) 14(4) 3 amish. Insomnia. Sitting here with book, cat, tea and my old friend Anxiety.
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22No Reasons23(8) Have been having a break from MP as feeling overwhelmed by situation - no job, no money, potential eviction, relationship of 4 years at breaking point because of something I did. 8 because I think24No Reasons25No Reasons26(6) Got myself out of the house - needed to collect prescription, it's a lovely day and I should go outside....My GP had written a note on my prescription hoping I was doing well. I know she's great but27No Reasons28No Reasons
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   1No Reasons2(4) Fragile today - submitted application for job that seems interesting, now worried that I haven't given enough information/'sold' myself well enough.As usual, no indication of timescale either. Just3(3) So terrible to see the reports of two possible terror attacks in London tonight - very few details yet. Just hoping people will be okay, Saturday night in central London a lot of people will be out.4No Reasons
5(5) Trying to focus on job applications - have 2 due by midnight. (Procrastination, moi?) Alternating between thinking the applications aren't that bad and 'who the hell is this person I'm describing'.6(5) Finished 1 application - the other I had only noticed today anyway, and I'm tired, so feel okay about not doing it.Not sleepy unfortunately so maybe read. Need to keep up job search but do some stuff
(4) Got out of bed at 2 pm. At least I got up. Having some tea, taken meds, sitting with my cat, listening to rain and wind.
7(6) OMG! Pandas and cats together at last!! I was really tempted by Reading Panda, but my cat is sitting with me and suggested this one was best. Really, I made my own decision. The sound of claws being
(6) Still loving my new avatar and had a good email from M. Been 2 weeks since we've seen each other, exchanging emails but usually short and often just link to something amusing. M updated about his life
(4) Got out of bed at 3 pm - but as usual giving myself points for at least getting up. Much better weather today and went out for about 45 minutes to do some errands. Done almost nothing in flat, need to
(4) Ah - period has suddenly arrived, which accounts for some of today's lethargy and general crapness. Off to bed quite early with my book, some chocolate and the ibuprofen I picked up earlier today!
8(6) Still feeling rough but - have an interview next week for my dream job. Worried hadn't done enough to be shortlisted, but at least over 1st hurdle. 2 hour selection process, week today. Haven't had an9No Reasons10No Reasons11(5) Meh.
12(4) That feeling you have when you're preparing for an interview for a job you really want and you have to re-read the application you submitted13(5) Good news in that M saw consultant today for first time since January, when he was diagnosed with blood clots on both lungs. Tests all good, no scarring, tho he will have to remain on meds, at lower14(5) Feeling calm - at the moment. Dream job interview is tomorrow morning; think I have prepared for it as well as I possibly can. I know anxiety will hit closer I get to appointment - ordinary interview
(5) Thank you, dear Pandas, for all the love and support you've given me in the run up to my interview tomorrow. It means so much to me - I've read (and read again!) every comment and treasured (and re-
15(5) Interview went reasonably well today - felt prepared and that I'd done my best. Might have a decision tomorrow, otherwise next week. Feeling really drained now. Thanks for all the Panda power!
(4) ...and just had an email from the chair of the interview panel to say that they have not been able to come to a decision, so will be picking up references from Monday and making a decision as soon as
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19No Reasons20(4) Would have been my mother's 90th birthday today. Anxious to hear interview outcome; I know my referees are on the case...In poor sleep cycle at the moment (it's 2.40 am) from anxiety, either sleeping
(5) Had nice breakfast of porridge and green tea while reading.Watered my neighbour's plants.Had email from panel chair to say they were still waiting on a few references and would notify decision asap.
(5) Did errands and ran into an acquaintance from the bibliotherapy group I used to attend. He came back to my flat, we had tea and chatted. Went to library and got more books..Trying to keep 'busy' - ugh
21(10) I got the job, Pandas! and it's a firm offer, as they've already have my references. I almost felt like crying on the phone when she told me! Likely to start on 3 July, when I'll be scared as hell!
(10) Thank you all, dear Pandas, for your hugs and comments - you believed in me. This site has given me so much, especially in the last few weeks. So grateful to be part of this very special community xx
22(6) Still kind of coming to terms with the fact that shortly I'll be returning to work.Trying to figure out how I'm going to make it in the short term - getting paid at the end of July will be great, but23(6) Lazing about and trying not to feel guilty. Have felt quite tired and restless last few days - keep thinking there's something I should be doing..which is probably down to all the job searching! Done24(5) Woken about an hour ago by sound from neighbour's flat - as if they'd fallen down stairs (NB we don't have stairs) All seems to be okay but now awake (4.30 am) Had an email from M, who is back from
(5) Had some tea and porridge, watered my neighbour's plants. Made phone call about horrid arrears issue - which makes having a job great. Trying to work out what money I need until 1st payday at end of
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26(6) Had really nice welcome email from the head of my new team;she will be on leave next week when I start.They're putting a lot of effort into my induction, which is good too.Excited/scared about Monday!27(6) Had a nice mid morning tea break with a friend, and am going to see M tomorrow (will finally be able to tell him about the job). Also had another lovely email from someone in my new team. Working on28(6) Told M about job. Think I had built it up too much to myself, forgotten that he is very English (ie doesn't do excitement), and my period had started so feeling grumpy anyway. It was fine in end
(6) Anticipating a 6:) Last visit to the job centre and then off to see M - haven't seen him in ages and he doesn't know about job, as I wanted to tell him in person. He's going to be away most of July
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    1No Reasons2(6) 'Be a friend.' Went to prevention of sexual violence training earlier this week (for my job) - and the trainer was talking to us about how one goes from being a bystander to assisting a stranger - or3(7) Household chores - 3 Listening to Abba while doing them - 10
(4) Cramps. Really, really bad cramps. Ugh.
4No Reasons5No Reasons6(6) Saw my GP for first time in a while - and since I began my job (though I had told her in a note on my prescription request form).Felt like a fraud sitting in reception, so many ill people, wait was7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons10(4) Been ill since Friday night. Only a bad cold but feel really weak and listless. Blah.
11No Reasons12No Reasons13(4) Still ill. Sigh.14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons
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25No Reasons26(4) One of my officemates is going through a really difficult time. He went out to take a call from family - came back and I said are you okay? He said no - I knew a bit about what was happening to him,
(6) Feel much better about colleague and even work. Did some good work today tho still backlog and stuff I haven't even started yet.
27(5) Was a bit worried about a meeting with the Dean earlier today, but it went fine. Most of afternoon will be taken up by an obviously useless, but compulsory, meeting so a 5 on the whole.28(8) Had brief, unplanned catch up with my boss this morning and she said how quickly I've become a valued member of the team and had already made so many positive changes relating to the work I do. She29No Reasons30No Reasons
      1(4) Uggghhhh - cramps, achy. Started yesterday and didn't go to see M, which was disappointing. Had arranged to see my neighbour/pal tonight but phoned to cancel, as I just don't feel up to it - feel sad
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(6) Working from home today and being productive, though not necessarily in relation to the things I planned for this day! However, still time, and there is flexibility, in that I keep going after 5......5(6) Perhaps an odd thing to be excited about, but....Kazuo Ishiguro won the Nobel Prize for Literature! Woo!!
(7) Got excellent feedback from various senior colleagues about a piece of work. Had worked hard on it, but while I was working on it, I thought to myself, I am good at this. Validation from others is
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16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20(5) Tired. Slept virtually all day, still slept okay at night. Bit disappointed as that was a day off, but obviously needed it.21(7) Had some book tokens to spend, and spent an hour or so choosing what I wanted. Met M and had lovely dinner out. Went back to his house, stayed over for first time in ages.
(5) My birthday today. 50. FIFTY. Had a lie in, have plans with M tonight, though haven't heard from him yet (it's about 11am). Not feeling much of anything yet. Need to remind myself how much things have
22(5) Got back to my flat late afternoon, after nice lie-in and conversation. Spent evening with my neighbour/friend, felt sad that it felt like an obligation and after an hour or so wanted him to leave.
23(3) Really struggling today. Feeling tearful though not in sense of being able to cry. Didn't make it in to work. Slept a lot again. Been thinking about stuff a couple of people I work with said - and24No Reasons25(5) Another 'first' at my job over with: my first committee meeting. Been dreading this, but particularly for last 2 weeks once papers get sent out, students contacted etc. It was okay - learned stuff for26(6) Feeling quite confident today despite being behind with a lot of things at work. Still feels strange to feel this way. Leaving work on time tonight to go to a talk with my neighbor/friend27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
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