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27To view data older than 6 months, become a Silver Supporter28(1) Not been on here for a while .. Hit crisis point on 26th Dec.. Took an overdose ... Diagnosed now with bipolar type 2 and started Lamatrogine mood stabilisers..
(5) It's took 10 hours to settle from being upset from the outcome of social services today. The best thing for me to do is try and get my mood stabilised best I can by making healthy choices and my meds
(4) Half five - feel exhausted but can't sleep.. Having so many bouts of hunger these past few days - currently stuffing my face with pancakes coated with lemon juice and sugar
(6) Not bad considering I've only had a few hours sleep. Came out to do a bit of shopping and enjoying a McDonald's
(9) advice?? 1st time on mood stabilisers -a few weeks In and suddenly having very intense feelings of positivity and self esteem - I know this seems great but it feels uncomfortable as its that intense!?
  1(6) 2(7) Been shopping with my sister today :)3(7) Feeling good :) just waiting for blood tests and ecg to make sure I'm ok to continue taking my mood stabilisers on a long term basis .. No anxiety today which is a plus :)4(4) Slept most of the day and generally been a 4 today.. Been tearful today aswell5(1) Slept loads, crying when I'm awake. heartbroken that children's services took my little girl because I had an episode last year. Now they are saying my bipolar will effect her n she can't come back :(
(1) intrusive thoughts are back... Starting to have thoughts on how this pain would all end if I wasn't here.. My mood stabilisers obviously aren't helping so far!! Trying hard to distract the thoughts!
(5) Glad my moods settled from earlier on... Face timed my little girl earlier and felt much better since then <3 feel normal mood wise, appetites come back.. Just haven't got my energy back yet
6(7) Really happy after visiting my little girl this evening ... We went for a walk by the stream and we got lots of photos ... I love her more than life <3 she motivates me to beat these bipolar blues!!7(5) Mixed day today but generally ok..!completed my debt appointment - my support worker had to almost drag me there. Going bankrupt - but as scary as it seems.. I will be debt free and can start a fresh
(5) Feeling bored but too lazy to get up and do anything... I'm just enjoying being tucked up warm in my duvet :)
(6) Having a few positive thoughts about myself... I've stopped harming, binging, drinking excessively, almost kicked a drug habit (social wise/weekend use) since my diagnosis I feel at ease with who I am
8(6) Got up feeling motivated after an 11 hour sleep on my zopiclone tablets :) I'm cleaning up my house, although at a slow place lol kind of miss my hypomanic mood where I'd clean at top speed haha!
(7) Wow I'm feeling good :) cleaned up my living room and kitchen and then my support worker came and she helped me open a year and a half worth of mail I hadn't opened and organised them. Ready to relax
(8) Well the relaxing didn't happen - not complaining though as I love these little bursts of energy I get now and then ... I always take full advantage of it and have managed the full housework :D
(5) Oh shit ... Why!! Just why!! The tears are here... Happiness and positive thoughts disappeared suddenly and unexpectedly!! I'm repeating 'you got this' in my head to drown out the negative thoughts!
(6) less than 30 mins and managed to dismiss the intrusive thoughts by quickly recognising they were about to take over! Can't wait for my stabilisers to increase next week! seem to be really helping :)
9(8) Feeling great today - contact with my little girl later :D
(5) Always feel heartbroken when my visits to see my little girl end... Staying strong tho so she can return home when my illness has been under control for a while <3
(7) A few sensible drinks with my friend
10(6) 11(5) Had a hangover all day and felt like shit ... Dampened and blank mood due to alcohol last night and lack of sleep. having a brew and watching tv - the comedian Jimmy Carr makes me laugh so much haha
(4) Messed my sleep pattern up a little bit :/ 5am.. Overtired so can't sleep
(8) Shopping todayyyyyyy :D and going to grab some lunch out somewhere in town :)
12(1) Missed medication for 3 days and wow I am so angry! Why do I go to guys that I know only want to use me and not care because I basically want to use them.. But then afterwards I feel guilt and disgust
(4) Just slept and lazed about all day - the thought of having to see or communicate with another human being is making me feel irritated and slightly annoyed so I've isolated just for today
13(4) 4am still up and just took half a sleeping tablet aiming to be up after 8 hours sleep around midday .. Planning on interacting via phone call 2morrow but still not wanting to socialise in person.14(0) Having an argument via text with my mum.. I told her im confused to how she could be so hurtful as I could never be that way with my daughter.. I feel I could kill myself to show her my suffering
(0) I'm thinking of running away to a friends who lives 100 miles away .. Just disappearing ... Letting people feel so scared and worried for letting me down!! I'm so angry n upset right now, Nobody cares
(1) Why am I so aware of the fact I'm not taking my medication and that I've drunk alcohol for 4 nights ... Im very aware of my actions and understand the consequences but still not doing the right thing!
(2) Looking back on my recent posts I've learnt that stopping medication to allow myself to drink has really affected my mental health ..just as I started to make progress- guess I need to try harder
(5) Chilled out all day ... Started my medication again... Going to have a long hot soak in a bubble bath then have a little walk to the shop and then have some hot chocolate
15(9) Had a great day... My friend said I seem on top of the world today .. Had no anxiety.. Felt very confident when I was socialising with friends.. Life and soul of the party ;) didn't drink alcohol :)16(5) 17(4)
(5) 5am and tossing and turning still.. Mood seems 'normal' .. Well I'm feeling blank lol that's how I imagine normal to feel ..going to nip downstairs and eat a rustlers burger and crisps
(4) Feel like depressions luring me in... (Which reminds me i need to take my mood stabilisers!) I've noticed I'm eating loads of crappy food suddenly and have only slept 3 hours in the past 48 hours...
(6) Finally managed to get some sleep last night (14 whole hours in fact) felt much better today and managed to go and do the food shopping and clean my kitchen. Although felt exhausted afterwards
18(4) night time overthinking - upset that In the past year I left my job, lost my car, my partner, my little girls living with her gran -I don't even know how it's all ended up this way :( feel so alone
(4) And just to add... I kept telling my doctor for years my moods were becoming more n more problematic. Only now Ive fucked my life up have they finally decided to diagnose me.. Why didn't they listen!!
19(5) Socialised with a few friends today - was able to say 'no' and stick to my Plans to go home from the pub after 2 drinks. Although my friend tried encouraging me. Suppose I've had an ok day today :)
(6) Starting to eat a bit better - only eating twice a day but noticing I can eat a little more each time (I've lost 2 much weight) it's raining outside so I'm having a lazy Sunday in bed; warm and cosy:)
(7) Didn't stay in bed all day as planned - got up put the music on and done my make up.. Now dancing around cooking and cleaning :D
(7) I've connected my mood panda to Facebook so I can use my profile picture on here but the option isn't available???? Does anyone know how I do this?
(5) Can't remember if I took my medication today :/ need to buy a weekly marked medication box to be certain in the future.
20(7) Feeling good today.. My adrenaline seems to be rushing without a reason so going to exercise :) Ate lunch earlier and prepped dinner for later.. Just need to try and aim to get up for breakfast now.
(7) Reminder for later: I've took my mood stabilisers today!
(8) Music on and cleaning! Planning on doing upstairs and downstairs whilst my energy levels are up!
(5) My mood drops dramatically at night time ... I can keep busy and my mind distracted all day (couldn't do this previously though so it's a start)! Mood panda has been great for me, I look forward to
21(5) Bit of a struggle waking fully this morning and getting out of bed... Even though I've had a good 11 hours sleep.. Finally managed to get up at 12.30pm.
(6) Enjoyed a Cooked breakfast and a cup of coffee - not had a coffee for ages as caffeine isn't the best for me so I really enjoyed it :) Reminder for later: Taken my mood stabilisers!
(5) On public transport - Anxiety has kicked in ... Headphones in and trying not to make eye contact with anyone - feel like everyone's staring at me - most likely they aren't it's just my anxiety
(6) On the train now - love travelling on trains - it really relaxes me especially watching the scenery out of the window - it's just buses I seem to get uncomfortable around people on
(8) Had a great 4 hours with my little girl after school... Went to the park for an hour and then we went back to her grandparents for dinner and done some creative activities. Hate it when i have to go:(
22(1) This always happens.After I've spent time with my daughter I can't sleep on that evening.I feel I'm being punished for my illness (bipolar type 2) she is my world- it's so unfair, I'm heartbroken :(
(1) And just to let everyone know my situation -last year I tried to end my life - because of this my daughter now lives with grandparents and children's services are taking me to court as they say I'm
(0) Fighting suicidal thoughts - telling myself (through experience )I won't feel this way tomorrow after a sleep and thinking of my little girl - I will go through this pain not to hurt her.. <3
(1) Feeling upset and so helpless :(
(2) 6am and exhausted through crying all night - taking a sleeping tablet n going to sleep the day away ...
(5) Medication and a food binge has managed to distract my racing thoughts... Feeling very sleepy now after my sleep aid tablets.. Should have took them last night instead of this morning :/
(5) Although I've slept the day away I've woken with a much cal
23(7) Great day today .. Energy levels are stable and had a productive day24(7) 4.20am - not tired yet.. Appetites increased loads- come downstairs to make some food at the moment
(8) Oh gosh I hope I'm not getting hypomanic (even though it's quite enjoyable to start with) I'm feeling overly excited about my shopping trip when I get up in 4 hours!! Can't keep still n speech is fast
(9) Great mood :D feel as though my adrenaline is rushing through my body and can't keep still .. Off to my drug and alcohol meeting now - it really motivates me to not turn back to binge drinking!
(9) Drug and alcohol counselling done... I've come a long way and continuing the group sessions makes me feel proud of my progress.. Off to see friends now .. Feeling full of life and confident
(6) calm and relaxed mood
25(5) 4.30am - migraine - feeling irritable
(5) Suddenly feel hungry - and looking back at my post from yesterday I suddenly felt hungry at the same time yesterday (at 4.40am) :/
(6) Feeling calm and stable mood wise ... Going in town and taking my sister for food :)
26(7) Lovely time spent with my daughter at her grandparents I played games in the garden for 2-3 hours whilst it was warm - I noticed I had stable energy and concentration & no distraction the whole time:)
27(6) One of my biggest triggers to an outburst of emotion either raging or bursting in to screaming tears is when I spend time in my mums with all 3 of my sisters there.. As usual everyone ended up arguing
28(5) 7.15am and I've been lay in bed all night and not slept .. I'm starting to feel tired now but I'm going to get up and have a little walk to the cafe for breakfast then set my alarm for 4 hours time
(5) Must have fell asleep as I didn't end up going to the cafe and it's now 6 hours later. Really need to get a move on but motivation isn't great. Woke with stomach cramps and PMS!! (Time of the month)
(5) Feeling a little tension building inside... Feel like I want to go out to a rave/club this weekend and get absolutely wasted.. I've suddenly got a 'don't care' attitude - need to get out of this mood
(6) Done some speed walking whilst listening to Eminem and ate subway then brought me and my daughter some chocolate from hotel chocolat :) tension gone
(3) I feel like I'm fucking pissed off and hate everything and everyone ... Slight urges to self harm but able to tell myself it won't achieve anything and I will only be rid with shame and guilt
(3) I'm crying! Haven't cried in ages.. I've b
29(5) Severe anxiety - support workers coming over with the gas inspection guy, the electric guy and the surveyor because I haven't opened the door to them when I've had appointments 4 times now lol
(8) Anxiety settled - went to do a weekly food shop but got distracted by some lovely home decor in a shop window and spent the next hour buying things n buying new wallpaper to re decorate lol
(7) Started the decorating but stopped half way through because my motivation went lol should have just left it as it was as its not been done too long ago and there was nothing wrong with it haha
30(7) Lucky charms for breakfast - gosh I get excited over the slightest thing sometimes :D
(8) Time with my little girl :D
(7) They say luck comes in threes - today I won ten pounds on a scratch card, then I found ten pounds at the train station and then i had just stepped out of a shop door just as two armed robbers ran in
(3) Been ok all day - shopping and in a great mood with no cares in the world then I've just come to bed and I've burst in to tears because I had this feeling about life and how it's passing by so fast :(
     1(5) Calmer but haven't slept all night
(5) Going to do my food shop like I should have done 3 days ago when I ended up getting decorating stuff instead lol best not look in any shop windows this time :)
(5) Drinking a big bottle of Baileys and two miniature bottle of Jack Daniels because I want to get drunk - I will probably end up crying and feeling distressed by the end of it but I don't care
(4) I feel kind of weird this past week... I don't know how I feel and I just feel really strange .. Maybe these mood stabilisers are starting to not have the same effect as when I first started them
(1) I don't know what's wrong with me :( I feel like I'm loosing my mind. My moods cycling out of control up down up down up down up down!! In just one fucking day!! I want to smash my house up!!
2(5) Feel calmer again now.. I'm starting to think that these mini emotional meltdowns might be anxiety attacks but not sure... The good thing is they only last an hour or two
(1) There's really something not right ... I can't cope with having dramatic mood shifts every 3 hours..,Mood stabilisers are obviously making me go INSANE!!!! My adrenalines rushing .I need to self harm
(5) And just like that... Heating up the metal on a knife and pressing it on my skin has given me a release .. Didn't do my wrist I done it on my leg so nobody will know! Haven't self harmed in 9 months!
(3) Finally ready to sleep.. It's 6am and I haven't slept much in days- depressions suddenly hitting me hard... Im just gonna have to let it be - im sure I will be ok in a week or two!! Exhausted!!
(4) Slept for 12 hours solid - just woke up an hour ago at 6pm - took my meds and I still have an appetite which is a good sign - My motivations gone so I've got back in bed and going to read my new book
3(5) Feeling a little bit poorly - nauseous and ulcers in my mouth - mind and mood is calm though - just going to eat then hopefully sleep - it's 4am :/
(5) Just ate: lasagne: Garlic baguette: 6 pieces of bacon: 6 stuffing balls: two slices of tiger bread: 2 muller corner yogurts and a glass of cloudy lemonade - it's ten minutes later and I'm hungry again
(4) Feel uncomfortable - my feet are freezing, I have pain in my kidneys, upper back and in the the side of my ribs.. Feel sick, and struggling to take a full breath in! Sorry I keep whinging guys :/
(3) Can't breathe and feel like I'm dying - I've been lay in bed since I got back from shopping 2 days ago apart from when I nipped to the shop last night or got up to make food. 6am just going to sleep
(6) Set my alarm to wake up after 5 hours so I can get back in to my sleep routine tonight.. Cooking and cleaning, music on, text a few people as I've isolated myself away for a few days
(6) Set my alarm to wake up after 5 hours so I can get ba
4(0) I hate everything and everyone ... Everyone just takes advantage of me and use me because I'm too generous or too afraid to say no.. I always get used for sex or by ppl wanting to lend money :(
(4) Calming down a little bit now but I can't cope with going insane every night... If anyone was actually with me and seen how I get then I'd probably be sedated and sectioned!! Meds r making me worse
(5) Finally calm and tired...going to try my best not to loose control of my thoughts and emotions tomorrow night to give you all a break haha going to start taking my zopiclone tmoz to knock me out lol
(5) Irritable
(2) Sad just really really sad... I can deal with it though as it feels like it's going to settle this way.. Rather than my mood being unpredictable and out of control like the past 3 or 4 nights
(1) One major episode last year caused by an underlying mental health problem that was left undiagnosed and untreated and I can no longer be a mum - I feel I've been treated unfairly. It's di
5(4) Managed to distract myself away from my thoughts this evening as soon as the first negative thoughts kicked in... So didn't end up like the past few nights. I just need to try my best each night now
(5) 3am can't sleep but feeling ok
(6) slept from 8am until 1pm - woke up ready to eat lots of food - put on my make up and go see my friend at his vape lounge - great hangout place - also he is the most liveliest and comical person ever!
6(6) Moods been stable right through yesterday and until now so far (2am) not feeling tired so going to play on my casino games for a bit - brain needs something to focus on because I'm feeling blank lol
(5) 5am and I'm up at 10am... For most people this is probably not an early time to get up but it's unbearable for me.. I can NOT wake or function until 12pm/1pm .. Up at 10am Friday to - yuk yuk yuk!
(6) Tired.. Been trying to get up for an hour and twenty minutes but my legs feel like dead weights and no motivation - taking my 4 year old neice to see my little girl today wish I wasn't so tired
7(4) Been so tired today.. Bus and train journey with neice, an hour an half on the phone to social worker! Then later on my parents said hurtful things and put me down like they have all my life. Migraine
(2) I can't physically and mentally face the day tomorrow but I have to as its so important.. Soon as its done I need to get home take my zopiclone straight away and sleep for hours! Physically unwell :(
(3) My sleep pattern and body clock can't be anymore messed up at the minute.. Ended up being awake all night again .. It's 6.25am and just took 2 zopiclone! that will be me asleep all day now :/
(6) After 13 hours of sleep I'm feeling alright I guess :) although I have woken at 7.25pm so body clock is screwed but at least I'm feeling happy
(7) Foooood .. Oh my.. I love food soooo much ... Nom nom nom :)
(3) Felt OK when I got up and ate but then my mood suddenly dropped and I got back in bed .. Looking at my graph and how my moods not staying ok for long each day I can tell I'm heading for depression
(1) I'm in so much emotional pain missing my daughter and the fact she may be living with her grandma until she's 18. I can't keep my mind distracted from it and I've been trying hard but it's too painful
(0) I want to die... Professionals always dismissed my last suicide attempts saying I'm not suicidal otherwise I wouldn't have phoned for help after taking an overdose.. Do I have t
9(1) Why should I have to die ... I'm going to self destruct.. But I bet all my friends and family suddenly appear trying to stop me.4 months of doing well but you haven't bothered with me .. So don't now!
(4) Going to do some things to try and help my mood today - going to make a Sunday lunch.. Soak in the bath and do my make up, go for a walk then sit by my fire pit In the garden this evening and read
(6) Updating for earlier today when I went to my Grans.. I love her more than life itself.. We are so close.. She's the kindest most caring person I have in my life.. She loves me dearly and vice versa <3
(5) I'm ok this evening after really doing things that are good for my mental health today e.g 3 mile walk, Cooked, cleaned, read my book, seen my Gran and gave her a gift (earings) & drank lots of water
10(8) I'm sooooooo bored... Nothing is stimulating me ... Don't know what it is ...but I'm craving something.., just can't work out what it is..?!! Happy but slightly agitated. Maybe time for a zopiclone!
(6) Starting to calm down after my zopiclone .. Feel hungry again so eating more food :)
(8) Forcing myself to keep my eyes open and stay awake on zopiclone is the most relaxed I've felt in ages,.. Such a good feeling because I have no thoughts and I'm drooling on to my pillow (yuk)
(6) So after me taking zopiclone and feeling all spaced out my ex turned up out of the blue at 2am - we kind of had a party and drunk then the obvious thing happened... Lol
11(7) Going for lunch with my best friend who I haven't seen in a few months :)
(1) The sooner I realise the traumatic childhood experiences or feelings will always be dismissed by my family the better. My therapist is right ' you will never get validation from your mum' :( :(
(0) I am deeply troubled and I'm deeply depressed inside.. I get hyperactive n overly happy some days but become detached .. That's because I'm putting on a front n brave face.. It's becoming exhausting
(0) That horrible feeling that turns your stomach.. It makes you cry n makes you feel like screaming . You think about all the people that upset u in life n feel u could hurt them But rather hurt yourself
(0) I have been put on sick leave for 3 years! I have a support worker that has to come n make me pay bills or open my mail! I stress my family n friends.. Ppl shouldn't have to deal with me! I'm a burden
12(3) Woke up not feeling too great... Last nights intrusive thoughts were intense but I got through it.. Not slept well, kept waking every twenty minutes.support workers coming today whilst I pay bills etc
(5) 3.15pm and support worker has been and I made some phone calls I needed to do.. Got a migraine so testing n watching the Ellen show - never watch tv but I'm enjoying it
(5) Thanks to the lovely receptionist on the phone at my doctors surgery the doctor called me rather than waiting for an appointment and told me I need to take 75mg Lamatrogine am and pm now not 25mg
13(4) Took 4 zopiclone instead of 1 because I know for a fact my ex boyfriend has stolen them from me as I text n he said they were in my wardrobe so I go in and the box is there but inside its empty!!
(5) Today I didn't react to my step dad.. I could see him looking puzzled and desperately saying many things to get a reaction from me.. I just went blank n popped a proponolol and said
14(5) Took my new meds (proponolol) along with my zopiclone and increased dose of mood stabilisers before bed and yayyy there's been no anxiety or emotional breakdowns and it's 3am. Calm n ready to sleep
(5) Can't sleep - strange.. I've had sleeping meds etc. I usually nod off right away it's nearly been an hour - going to take some more
(5) 5am still awake - really tired though - mood is just the same as earlier a 5 so the proponolol and Stabiliser dose increase must have helped to stop my rapid shifts and anxiety at night
(5) 6 hours of broken sleep .. Taking it easy for an hour or so as I'm really light headed and off balance due to amount of proponolol i took last night :/ Lucky charms for breakfast =D
(5) My phone hasn't stopped ringing all day off various friends n family members followed by texts to borrow money so they can go out this weekend.. Have a good Easter without cash u all expected guys! :)
(5) Feeling kind of strange and bored... If I had the energy Id be tempted to go out
15(5) Everyday at 4am I get a sudden onset of hunger. So tired as I haven't been able to sleep yet and can't manage to get the energy to get up to go downstairs and make something to eat.I need a butler :)
(5) I really messed up yesterday :/ I blew all my money and don't get paid for another 9 days.. I have food to last but my gas and electrics going to run out in a few days and no money to top up :/ oops
(5) Couldn't bare feeling hungry any longer so up I got at 4.20am again to eat - 6 bacon 2 eggs 2 toast, yoghurt and an Easter egg! I nearly bit my fingers off I was that hungry! Feel ready to sleep now
(5) I'm craving fatty foods! McDonald's or a kebab .. I've not long eaten and haven't slept all night.. My moods still in the middle which bores me I want to be a 6/7 - also feeling an urge to swear :/
(6) 5 hours sleep, meds taken, no anxiety and much calmer.. I never watch tv but I'm having a duvet day wrapped up watching tv documentaries.
(7) Going to Leeds courtyard party tomorrow from
16(6) Only had 3hours sleep and that's making me feel quite grumpy ..woke with no anxiety about socialising later so think I should be ok - sometimes I'm a social butterfly but at times; can be the opposite
(5) Well it's took me hours to stop feeling annoyed... My friend didn't turn up for the coach.. I'm stood there with her friend I've never met! It wasn't easy getting up early n fighting anxiety either!!!
17(6) Bit nervous going to a domestic violence group course but had my anti anxiety meds an hour ago n don't feel my social anxiety is going to get in the way today
(7) Updating for yesterday.. Had a decent full nights sleep. Had a good day.. Cleaned all my house and then socialised in the evening for two hours.. No anxiety and back in a routine with taking my meds
18(7) Feeling normal calm and stable .. No anxiety and no erratic moods
(7) Took my 4 year old neice to town for food and some toys... Realised I had some money being paid in to my other bank account for a few weeks and didn't even realise so that was a bonus. A little tired
19(2) thinking about my little girl again .doctors need to realise that no matter how much they increase my meds at night time it's just not ever going to help me stop the pain of her not being at home :(
(4) Negative thoughts passed But it's 5am now and I'd only just got back in to my sleep routine .. If my ex had returned my zopiclone as he said he would earlier this could have been prevented!
(6) Not long woke up - put chicken in oven and prepped veg for lunch in an hour or so ..then later for dinner will be using the rest of the chicken to make a homemade curry :)
(5) Today noticed a new symptom - in my own mind I could have sworn I had put things in certain places - I could even remember events that happened for me to feel so certain but ppl say it didn't happen
20(6) Yayy no anxiety attacks or emotional outbursts this evening feeling ok .. For 1am a 6 is impressive for me! Took two zopiclones and boy do I feeeeeel relaxed! Anytime soon I will be flat out for 12hrs
(6) Got woken up at 10.30am by my phone ringing ..but that's alright as I've had 9 hours sleep after 7.5mg zopiclone. My eyes are still so heavy and I'm craving coffee haha think I may nod back off tho
21(7) 22(6) This sounds really selfish but my best friend is annoying me.. She said really cruel things about one of our other friends but a week later posted snap chat pics saying 'having a brew with my bestie'23To view data older than 6 months, become a Silver Supporter
24(7) Cup of tea at my sisters been to see my mum and Gran today to... My mum was bit moody as usual so didn't stay there long lol
(8) At my local pub (on my own) getting to know the locals haha even though I've grew up in this area but only ever drunk out of the area I live all my life lol
25(6) Alcohol did end up dampening my mood a bit but I didn't drink so fast like usual so that helped. Ended up knowing half the ppl in the pub (mainly the thugs) lol
(8) Spent time with my daughter.. When I had to go I did find myself using the wrong coping strategies but didn't let them get out of control.. Gambled but walked away whilst money up n drank but not much
26(5) Isn't it sad that ive messed up my good mood and routine again by drinking alcohol .. I even thought about the consequences as I purchased the bottle. 5am n I'm now binge drinking. I never learn!
(5) I don't think I like feeling happy and stable..I only stay like that for a week at the most before I feel it's not who I am. This seems to be when I self destruct.. The drink isn't doing much though
(4) I don't like my meds it's all false n masking how I really feel .. I feel they are putting me in a protective happy bubble but my mind isn't having any of it.. It knows it's false. So frustrated
(6) Drunk myself sober :) don't care about anything or anyone.. Need to cancel my appt with support worker later .. It's 8am not that it matters as I basically don't have any kind of routine anyway! Lol
(5) Felt really ill all day after a 12 hour alcohol binge.I managed not to do anything stupid this time. I seem to do this once every 2-3 months so I'm glad it's done and out of the way!
(3) This low
27(9) 28(9) 29(9) 30(9)
1(9) 2(8) 3(8) This is a post for May 3rd as I forgot to update it4(3) Feel confused - thought I was ok this past week but suddenly feel like ive lost a massive chunk (7days) of time - Constantly socialised n gained 20+new friends - housework neglected n ive hardly ate
(4) Maybe it's clear looking back on my mood panda diary I may have had a hypomanic episode that obviously got triggered through me stopping my stanalisers then I had that 12 hour drink binge - unsure to
(4) I can never see this Happening it's usually after n I think 'what's gone on' 'why has the spotless house become a shithole' ' who are all these new contacts texting me asking wil I be out again 2moz:/
(6) Felt ok today just a bit slowed down and tired - going out to my local for an hour or two then coming home and going to start taking my meds again tomorrow.
5(3) I'm feeling uncomfortable.. as if my minds just suddenly turned on.. The past 8 days feel as though I've been dreaming.. Like I've been in my own world doing my own thing - feel nauseous n anxious
(4) Took a zopiclone - up early for a very important course - acceptance and commitment therapy - 1st session last week made me feel overwhelmed with emotion - I'm going no matter how my mood is!
(2) Im not well right now that's for sure - I need to take my medication - i just don't understand why I block out the fact I should be taking it - not took it for 10 days now my minds racing at 10000mph
(1) I'm severely agitated and restless - zopiclone feels like it's not having much affect n took the prescribed dose - lost so much weight within the past ten days - feel so fragile
(6) I woke up this morning feeling so physically drained and weak - I was moody but I pushed myself - done acceptance and commitment therapy, drug counselling, bankruptcy appt. took all meds.
6(7) 7(6) A little tired and feeling quite lazy today - just lay around but took myself for a little walk to the shop for a bottle of Coca Cola which my body keeps craving soooo bad! Mood feels ok n meds taken
8(5) It's gone midnight and I'm ok - I can feel my mood lowering but that's ok it's normal for people's mood to lower a little at night - trying to keep this in mind, then distract myself from overthinking
(4) 3 hours broken sleep but went on my group course on understanding the effects domestic violence would have effected our children n how to look out for signs in the future - cried the whole way through
9(4) So many empty packets of Zopiclone :/ need 1 to sleep and I'm looking all over the house in hope I can come across some - house is a mess still - it was spotless a week ago - I sure was a tornado! Lol
(3) 4.30am - insomnia and anxiety causing me to have Bruxism (teeth grinding and clenching of the jaw) it's that bad I keep accidently biting my tongue and stiffness in my jaw and neck - feel exhausted
(6) Spent time with my little girl - it was the best in a while - my heart was fluttering the whole time I was with her - I managed to not think about the past or future, just on the very moment with her
10(2) Been asleep all day and missed a very sunny day - couldn't sleep last night - can't get my little girl off my mind - just want her home with me - I can't stay stable long due to the stress of it :(11(1) Day to day life and tasks are feeling impossible to deal with right now - I just want to rest n sleep for a week but I have courses and appts to keep to n get taken to - feeling a lot of pressure :(12(9) 12th may - diary catch up13(9) diary catch up14(9) diary catch up
15(9) diary catch up16(9) diary catch up17(9) diary catch up18(9) diary catch up - payday and hypomania/mania in full swing19(10) Diary catch up20(10) Diary catch up21(10) Diary catch up
22(10) Diary catch up23(10) 24(10) Diary catch up - I remember starting to feel extremely irritable and had psychomotor agitation and slightly angry towards others - I remember it started today as it was the day before my sisters bday25(1) Just suddenly crashed from a hypomanic episode or possible manic episode - 2 weeks since my last update so gives me an idea of how long it lasted - this crash feels unbearable26(1) Constant sirens and helicopter out circling where I live in Manchester - anxiety is really not good at all - I need to travel across the city centre later today on trains n buses - I feel petrified27(3) Feeling confused after my crash and slightly low but restless and being snappy and horrible to others28(0) Couldn't handle my hyomanic/manic (unsure what it was classed as because MH don't want to help unless I'm depressed n try to kill myself) so spent 2-3 days on a alcohol n drugs binge which helped
(0) Thinking of my daughter so I don't kill myself - it's making me cry n I think that's what I need because I haven't felt emotion or cried in weeks - im feeling angry now n getting urges to self harm
(1) that was the scariest suicidal episode I've ever had- worse than the times I attempted to overdose - bcoz i had thoughts about how I could go ahead with it so it was instant n nobody would know
29(3) severe anxiety and feel like crap - don't want to interact with anyone today30(1) cried a lot today and felt I didn't care about anything - was horrible towards my mum - we've fell out again now - not really bothered at the minute but I will be in a few days as usual31(6) Had a really stable day yesterday and it's 3am now and still calm and stable .. Was a productive day but not too excess.. Energy levels balanced.. No anxiety - concentration ok - all meds taken :)
   1(6) So I feel ok and stable still at 4am - not gone to sleep yet and the past 24 hours I've had to eat every two hours because i start feeling like I'm starving - my mind and energy levels are ok though!
(7) Diary catch up - meds taken and appetite suddenly dropped - very productive day but not wanting to interact with others and excessive cleaning but feel spaced out but happy I've cleaned house
2(0) I feel so scared and alone :( there's something not right about the way I am :( I was ok today and now I feel overwhelmed with feelings of suicide .. I don't want to die so why am I thinking this :(
(0) shouldn't have asked for help because 2 years I've been left n ignored .. Had my child took because I asked for help, services knocked me back - family say I'm silly. I'm suffering in silence
(3) 3am/one of my new friends called by as she happened to text whilst I didn't feel good n she asked if I was ok I just said not really. She turned up - she gave me a bit of weed n I took a sleeper
(4) Woke up feeling groggy - probably because I had to get up 4 hours after I took my sleeping tablet - could just go back to sleep n shut the world out but need to go to my acceptance and commitment CBT
3(4) can't update for the past two days as I don't even remember -never had memory loss this bad - I can't recognise how I feel now - just numb and like I don't care about a thing - libido through the roof
(4) my minds racing so much, I'm trying to gain back my self awareness - just shut myself in my room n cancelled going to the pub - I'm actually afraid of how out of control my behaviour is getting
4(3) Thinking of the victims of the London attack this evening - very sad for those innocent people and their families. (6) Had a good sleep from 8am until 2.30pm although still not back in to a sleep routine but I woke feeling calm and rested - had a productive day, seen family, went for a walk, cleaning, laundry etc.
5(5) Only ready to sleep at 6am and got to be up in 2 hours to go on my domestic violence awareness course
(6) Oops woke up at 3.10pm - slept for 9 hours though so il hoping the sleep will have done me some good - woke up with Bruxism - must have been teeth grinding whilst asleep to - mood is ok though
(2) On a packed bus in Manchester city centre -feel sick, jaws clenching and neck feels so stiff - keep thinking im going to be killed at any moment - anxiety is so bad right now - close to panic attack
6(0) I really want to die .. I'm not making excuses for my selfish. suicidal attempts last year but I kept asking my gp to help - mhs turned me away - anti depressants sent me that manic I attempted sucide
(0) This sounds silly but I wish I could write to prince William about how the services could have prevented me becoming this unwell -I feel early intervention would have stopped my illness becoming this
(1) Arghhh so angry - self harm burnt my arm twice with a hot blade- silly and embarrassing I know but i get like this when my mind starts fighting away suicidal thoughts-!just wish I could cry but cant
(1) want 2cry but I can't Never felt this numb- I miss crying - meds must be preventing me from doing so but it's making me angry inside - which must be the reason I'm burning my arm with a hot blade!
(0) I'm finding things so difficult because i dont know if its my bipolar or I have traumatic distress because if my princess was home I feel id be ok - appt with psych on Fri but have to lie n
7(7) Cooked and ate a big healthy fish dinner - drank two pints of water - still on top of the housework and Landry - relaxing in the bath now singing to my music :)8(4) Not mentioned this but I met a guy who said he loved me after 3 weeks so I ended things - apparantly I'm not normal n unable to love anyone in his eyes - I ignored him n he is harassing me 24/7
(5) Does anyone know if a psych knows you are lying when he asks how you have been? - if I say I've been great,stabilisers have done me the world of good n I've found myself again n smile at him?
(1) Im actually aware of how full on crazy I am at the minute - I was ok all day n now my minds racing n I'm so numb - I'm on the edge of hysteria - I can't even react to emotions coz I feel exhausted
(4) keep having these strange episodes that last around 3-4 hours each night where I suddenly get distressed and my mind starts racing. Thanks Binky and Ali for understanding my erratic updates <3
(7) Woke up at my ideal, most comfortable mood level (a 7) had a good sleep, took meds and so happy I'm visiting my little girl - no anxiety about travelling through the city centre either :)
(7) done homework wi
9(5) tonight I pre planned not to fight my feelings as i think that has been causing my racing mind and distress at night - it helped - I miss my daughter and it hurts - allowing myself to feel the pain
(7) Psych appointment went well - he was much more professional - he said now I'm finally diagnosed and on meds there's no reason why my daughter shouldn't be with me once fully stable again
(7) on a night out with my sister - I'm managing to drink responsibly - it's risky to be out drinking as I use to binge drink to excess but I've got more awareness now :)
10(8) no hangover which is strange lol feeling quite hyperactive and extremely talkative lol11No Reasons
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19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Calm, focused and filling my days up with courses, acceptance and commitment therapy for addiction, started counselling for anxiety - new goals (realistic ones) feeling tuned in again! I got this :)22No Reasons23(2) Had a bipolar relapse - it got too much trying to ignore it n hide it - that only made me get hypomanic then crash on a few occasions - I'm having community mental health visit me from Sunday each day
(0) nobody is ever there no matter how many times they have told me they will be - I've never asked for support from friends or family - this is the first time - they all said they r eating or going bed
(0) I'm so sad, lost and confused - I got released from hospital after telling the psych I have such a horrible feeling inside like life's overwhelming n I'm scared of my suicidal thoughts
24No Reasons25(1) Agitated - feel lots of anger is trapped inside of me - strong cravings to hurt myself but too mentally exhausted and don't have one bit of energy to even go ahead with it
(1) Even the slightest sound feels unbearable to hear - there's a bird tweeting outside - it's making me feel so agitated and volatile
(3) Had a late night last night then ignored the door when the urgent care home treatment team called this morning - they posted a note saying they will come back Tuesday so going to make an effort then
26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29(1) Self harmed - burnt my arm with a hot blade - I know how the scars embarrass me and I always have to hide them - it's not as if I self harm for ppl to see - it didn't hurt n had no effect - struggling30(2) Home treatment team came today - restarted my meds,will come see me over the next few weeks every two days - they understood me n gave me an explanation for the symptoms I've been having - reassuring
(2) Is Rorscach not on here anymore :( has anybody spoken with him recently?
     1(4) Diary catch up for 1/7/17 Was my mums birthday - didn't want to get up or leave the house today but I forced myself as I couldn't not visit my mum on her day. Got her perfume. Had an ok afternoon2(4) Went to two N.A meetings today - it's really helping my social anxiety and helping me to talk with or in front of others - not spoke out in group yet but today read a small N.A reading out at the end
3No Reasons4(5) Took a bit of time getting up and ready today - Spoke to Home treatment team about my bipolar symptoms he was really good at listening and advising me - Very professional and made me feel at ease
(6) Shopping for decorating stuff for my living room - quite aware of my urges im feeling to spend spend spend lol they are not too intense so I've been able to think before I pick things up I don't need
(7) Music on painting my wall,washed all the pots that piled up when I was down last week - cooked a good meal Inbetween - I feel a bit restless and hand tremors are very noticeable - feel good though ???
(7) Organised a trip to York at weekend with my sister - asked my mum to come along as she never does much apart from work - she said she has been wanting to do something different - n will let me know
5(5) Finally tired and ready to sleep at 3am - tiredness has just hit me suddenly out of nowhere - glad I'm going to get to sleep now ?
(5) Maybe I spoke to soon - fell asleep for five minutes and woke up but woke with bad anxiety - can't catch my breath - getting up and down and smoking cigarettes which I haven't done for 2 years! Eurgh!
(6) Feeling amused but at what I do not know - I'm on my own and nothing's happened for me to be amused ??- getting up for another cigarette - it's 4am - times passing so fast
(6) 5.20am having a cup of Horlicks and eating chocolate :)
(6) Another menthol cigarette ? Still not able to sleep - feel wide awake ?
6(7) Feeling good - sat in the sun in my garden waiting for the community mental health team (who are 25 minutes late so far lol) I just want to get out and go ans enjoy my day!! ?
(7) My appointment went so well - they said I'm like a different person from the last time one of the psych nurses seen me last week and I've made loads of progress since my relapse ? I feel so happy
7(0) Is this how it's going to be for the rest of my life - thought I was back on track n felt happy n stable - only to end up gambling £100 and had sex with a guy I just met last week - I'm so stupid8No Reasons9No Reasons
10No Reasons11(1) Home treatment team seemed to suggest I was agitated and confused and I told her I didn't feel well and kept saying I don't know what's wrong with me - she left and didn't seem concerned - ??
(1) Feel slightly depressed yet I spent the day cleaning and decorating - went from task to task with frustration of nothing being completed - time flew by n poor memory of doing those tasks now???
(0) feeling intense feelings of guilt, hopelessness, anxiety, paranoid all my friends are using me. Feel too mentally exhausted when I feel I need to cry or lash out - feel my emotions are trapped
(0) never felt this bad - heart rate is through the roof and my minds racing that much that I keep thinking I'm going to die any moment with a heart attack - Scared I'm going to die any moment ?
(0) Updating from this morning when I woke - felt low and got a phone call that upset me about my little girl - the next 4 hours I couldn't stop crying and had re occurring panic attacks
(1) first time
12(5) Oh wow I've just cleaned my whole bathroom and kitchen - couldn't stop disenfecting everywhere or stop until it was all gleaming and perfect - hope I'm on the way up again but not up so high this time
(4) Had a productive morning and went to my D&A group therapy - didn't join in much as felt a bit down - visited 3 relatives mood still blank - just feel numb today
(4) Friend came to see me - she said I seemed a bit distant - couldn't be bothered n just wanted her to go but didn't make her feel I wanted her to - felt so tired all day to
(5) Plodding on but minds much calmer - numb but no intrusive thoughts - had my sister round for tea which was nice - felt shattered half way through but carried on with the evening and made the effort
13(1) Feeling of sadness but not the usual sadness I feel - it feels deep within - it feels too painful inside to think about how I'm feeling and when I do I just seem to go numb - wish I could cry :(
(1) Had to take a zopiclone as I'm starting to have intrusive thoughts - i feel unbearable pain inside but my little girl needs me and I need her - I can't just leave her; she'd be distraught :(
(0) this is awful - thankfully I can tell myself suicide won't only end my pain it will end all my good and happy days that I know will be back at some point - and my pain will only be passed to other
(2) Soon as I take the zopiclone my mind calms right down and the drowsiness stops my thoughsAbout to drop off to sleep any second
14(5) 00.48am and this is the first time in ages I'm ready to drop off to sleep - never been able to get to sleep at this time ever! Usually gone 4am or 5am - I'm pleased about this :)
(5) I just said my first prayer since I was a child - I asked God if he could guide me through this hard time by giving me hope and strength whilst making myself a better person as a human being ??
(5) Goodnight panda friends - zopiclones going to help me fall to sleep in a short moment - love my little panda family - you are all great, strong and lovely pandas ???
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