5.6 avg
  447 days
  1853 hugs
      1(4) Dark conflicting thoughts
(4) Meh
3No Reasons4(5) Neutrality5(4) Guilt again
(5) Did some tidying so feel a little better
6(6) Watching marigold on tour and want to go to Japan7(6) I enjoy writing competitions especially submitting
(6) I enjoy writing competitions especially submitting
8(5) Heaven that is marmite on toast
9(7) First therapy in ages feel great10No Reasons11(6) Marigold hotel BBC doc is lovely
(7) Relaxed and happy - listening to CAITLIN Moran and playing sim city :) dressed up tidied have a meeting later in the month
12(6) Not as pumped but still alright :)13(6) Had a lovely chat with my sister - offer of cool 80's shirts14(5) Happily melancholy
(6) Playing scrabble with my love in bed looking forward to listening to my audio
(4) Incredibly bad mood
(4) Really not feeling it
15No Reasons
16(4) *rolls eyes* depression!17(5) Very tired but optimistic at least
(6) Glad I'm tired now at night - been a productive day writing - and nice dinner with partner
18(4) Stressed bed delivery gone tits up blocked in hall
(7) Recording session with Ken
19No Reasons20(4) Sudden mood drop
(6) Did the voiceover - a lot of fun, I think I need to do something creatively fulfilling every day, I wonder if I would feel good to do it for a month!
21(5) Surviving burns night social rubbish22(5) Feeling quite level
23(6) Therapy24(6) Good at distraction25(4) Anxiety and feel terrible about my weight
(5) Is it narcissistic to look at old photos of self to remind yourself you're not ugly? Needed reassurance
26(5) V insecure nonsense
(4) I wrote a reply to a pen pal they reacted badly - and was personal - I'm now v anxious
(4) Feel so weird today!!!!!
27(5) The usual28(6) Nice evening with the in-laws29(6) Feel relaxed
30(7) Off to London woohoo
(7) Off to London woohoo
(7) Off to London woohoo
31(7) Good interview with Kayden
  1(7) Tired but high spirits - joking away2(8) Lecture day3No Reasons4(5) Awful stomach bug but feeling okay5(5) Alright
6(6) Serene
(7) Please brother in law got a B in his dissertation that I helped with - phew
7(6) Calm :) got to do stuff but I can do it tomorrow8No Reasons9(5) Begin to think why am i doing any of this / just going through the motions of life
(4) Depressed
(5) Keep a witty conversation and amusing I guess in the face of misery and no work
(3) Weird arguments with partner :( so odd and horrible
10(4) Weirdest moods today
(3) Fear of flying anxiety is already intense and it's 10 hours away!!!
11(3) Going mad
(5) Cried spoke to partner
(5) Survived the plane journey with minimal anxiety
12(7) Florence holiday
13No Reasons14(4) Filling the day with errands I don't want to do really just coz I agreed and meh to fill the time
(3) Did the press thing for 42nd Street hate the whole charade of it
15(5) Grayson perry artistry
(4) Sick and sadness
16No Reasons17(5) Home18No Reasons19(6) Bodyflight indoor air dive
20(7) Bowls of fruit and yoghurt for breakfast is amazing21No Reasons22(5) Meh can't get out of bed
(5) Just doing some impromptu househusbandry
23(8) When you have a freeing thought and it makes you feel great coz you realise you don't have to emulate anyone or live up to some ideal you can just be yourself24(7) Producer in touch about this years show - excitement mixed with anxiety
(6) Good evening out but triggered
25No Reasons26(7) Productive day :) and lots of fun stuff to do :)
27(5) The listless feeling is upon me28No Reasons
  1(5) Really meh day2(4) Feel rejected3(6) Whisky
(7) Was in very good mood so I'm putting this here anyway....
4(4) Oh yes after dad ignoring me, triggered by disturbing things, misery lack of sleep and no attention from partner - I go quiet miserable and a forced social occasion5(3) Hyper / devastated at someone I trusted being 2 faced about my relationship complicit in law family behaviour
(6) Sing (the film)
(4) Just head ready to burst
6(6) Therapy is so important7No Reasons8(5) Hard day rehearsing - depressing conversation others are having just keeping on9(6) Fun at my family home had a nice nap :) got a long day of lone learning tomorrow bit anxious but won't think of that yet10(4) Spent all week on twitter but I doubt I've improved engagement such was my hope :S just a waste of time - and this rada audition
(3) I have a free rada audition tomorrow (would cost 89) and I had 2 weeks to learn 3 short monologues I haven't and I'm gonna just give it up!!!!!
(5) Feel delicate so will take it easy
(6) Had a nap watched a nice film
11No Reasons12(6) Up early - reading a good book - full of beans :)
(4) Really annoyed my friend is late to meet me she is usually late and I'm usually polite about it - but I feel like giving it another 10 minutes and going
(5) Anxiety but hope to do something productive later
13No Reasons14(7) My friend just told me how grateful she was for me helping her - she said words could not express
(7) Feel rather relaxed on the sofa this is bliss
15(8) Beautiful weather - went for a walk in the pleasure gardens and making my mum lunch :)16(8) Day with aunt ??17(6) Anxiety
(5) The thing is you're anxious so you have to be on your own for a bit but also I'm forgotten about a lot because people think I'm doing okay else wrapped up in there own stuff
18(6) Had a lovely time at the bfi flare19(7) That hairspray song 'you can't stop the beat' and adventure time has put me in a good mood
(6) Trying so hard for self compassion and thinking positive things about self even though the brain is raging negative and feeling bad - had a nice time with my partner for lunch and now I feel ugh
(5) Meh
(6) Ru Pauls drag race
20(2) Sick with existential angst
(6) Did some work :) an article Im quite proud of :)
(3) Just feel really bad - after effects of deep episode :(
(6) Reg
(6) Drag race
21(6) Lovely delegates reception :) and more ru Paul and writing - some hard stuff too but lots of lovely stuff22(4) Anxiety for no reason
(4) Terror attacks and likened to ugly people
23(4) Phone call from a work thing made me feel like a was found out for doing shoddy work
(4) Still anxious and below par - reading something on self esteem seemed enlightening
(4) Going on my overweightness :'(
(3) Really upset
24(4) All that is left is the little moments in life
(3) Train hellish and rattling
(3) Train hellish and rattling
(3) Lots of crying
25(7) Woke up super productive living in the moment
(5) Relationship!!! My partner the way he communicates sometime
(6) Feeling a bit more equal
26(6) Serene :) and calm saw amstells carnage
27(5) I love sleeping in but I never learn do I!!!
(6) Went for a 3 mile walk? Is that good? And read an amazing article on Oliver sacks by his partner made my day!!!
(7) Therapy so important
28(6) Edinburgh accommodation booked - reading :) some worries and niggles but nothing terrible29(6) Had the loveliest dreams :)
(6) Bowling ??
30(7) Being cute and snuffly and snuggly with partner31(7) Feeling good - went swimming - reading Lots - determined to hold onto my good mood for as long as possible - in the sense of not letting things get in the way
(8) Had a few tipples very happy
     1(6) Annoying parents - coped well - lovely intimacy with p later
(7) Saw a good friend planned to survive tonight with possible in law hell
(6) Stood up to mum's drinking refuse to be brought down by these things
2(6) Had a lovely bath feeling relaxed - got my trump show tonight - so little rumble of nerves nothing major it'll be fine looking forward to actually doing it again :)
3(7) Proud I did a good show
(5) Nooooooooooo mood
4(5) Woke up panicking
(5) Does anyone else feel like they are walking on the eggshells of their own emotions - scared to cough
(6) Relaxing into lunch with b and e
(4) My energy zapped - the feeling has set in I'm trying to fight it by remaining calm
(6) Sweet card from Eileen rallied my spirits
(6) Reading and looking at nice photos
(6) Love the Hitchcock film Rebecca
5(3) When you realise that your friend makes you miserable
(3) Two hours of torturous horror
(5) Reading
(5) Nice dinner
(4) Listening to other people talk complete rubbish
6(5) Feeling that you can't provide
(6) Calm serene - living in the moment
(6) Calm and relaxed ??
7(4) Very hard going feel that I'm allowed to help or be validated8(6) Doing well despite a stomach bug seeing Old friends in Witney keeping a friend whose going through tough times company9(6) Walk with b and p by the river and warm day. Content
10(7) I must be well - nothing is annoying me - I even let him watch lotr last night
(7) Music and love and being in the moment
11(5) Stuff to do with my book - being told what to do12(5) As hard as I try - feel flat13(4) Stomach bug and negative thoughts
(6) Dinner in bed playing computer games
14(6) Writing a silly novel and enjoying it
(6) Lying in bed all day - reading - relaxing music playing - safe from the apocalypse
15(5) What do you do when you feel super ugly?
(4) Today I feel so unbelievably ugly
(6) Doctor who woohoo
16(7) Meditation :) - thoughts of art and reading and glitter on the eyes
17(7) Enjoying editing videos for patreon :) excited to be doing a lot of videos in the coming weeks18No Reasons19(7) Another good day loved my walk in the sun :) busy and productive
(5) Mood drop
(6) Turned it around
20(5) Woke up screaming
(8) Sally's exhibition
21No Reasons22No Reasons23(8) Coffee on Sunday - lovely - living in the moment :) v happy
24(6) Bigots, lack of engagement but still good therapy - shouldn't have slept in so much25(9) Queer British art - meetings26No Reasons27(8) In such a good place28No Reasons29No Reasons30(6) Lots of tiredness
(7) In bed with beloved don't have to work out what to do till morning
1(5) Dream I lost my bag with all my belongings found It but diagnosed with brain tumour
(6) How's your father and Nordic walking
(5) Look very overweight In current photoshoot :( tired and anxious about doing finances tomorrow
2(4) Worried about weight, have no money, a client still hasn't paid me!!!
(5) There were some nice moments in the day - like piano and watching 1984
3(5) Meh busy all day working4(4) Stressed5(4) Watched an old video of me at a speaking engagement shocked at how my fat gut pokes out and I'm unaware of how fat I am :(
(4) Stress stress stress
6(4) I don't like my personality7(5) Sitting doing nothing in starbucks has made me quite calm
(6) Eating healthy dinner at desk in living room nice
8(5) Doing my video about mood panda for #mentalhealthawarenessweek :)9(5) Slept in all day headache10(5) Anxious at bedtime stuff things B called me
(6) Must be doing better managed o get up and out to the local lakes for lunch!! Having pasta
(6) Must be doing better managed o get up and out to the local lakes for lunch!! Having pasta
(6) Must be doing better managed o get up and out to the local lakes for lunch!! Having pasta
(6) Must be doing better managed o get up and out to the local lakes for lunch!! Having pasta
(6) Must be doing better managed o get up and out to the local lakes for lunch!! Having pasta
(6) I know a few people requested a link to the mood panda vid I made so here it is https://youtu.be/pFFeIPB-3Gk
(6) I went for a lovely walk that improved my mood and then I made a video http://ln.is/www.youtube.com/yn0lU
(5) He's lording it over me is how it feels - ugh
11(7) Having lovely Waitrose breakfast
(6) Did a video about living in the moment for #mhaw17 https://youtu.be/2s_kB2c1rjQ
12(6) Had a nice day - did another video for #mhaw17 https://youtu.be/O4ticcUfNCk
(6) Sorry that was the wrong one - https://youtu.be/Q39cQ0V7UCE
13(6) Was meant to make a video - took a nap instead - so made a video about taking a nap ;) https://youtu.be/DTTsrK4eYw8
(6) I'm a penniless nerd - excited talking all things alien with my aunt :D must sort my money out
(5) Angsty and weird feelings :(
(4) Why am I feeling so anxious and horrid
14(5) Anxious today because of an event later - I nearly didn't go am forcing myself more details here: https://youtu.be/pBZPaJRSkOI
(5) Being in shoreditch at the glory is throwing up such feelings of inadequacy i am glad I came facing fears and stuff but I feel so stupid and underdressed and ignored and rubbish
(3) Having such an awful evening
(2) Feel like I've spent the evening humiliating myself. I feel so angry ?? so so so so angry
15(3) Told my mum about what happened - she has shown no support whatsoever im visibly distressed she's just sitting there on her tablet - feel so angry but if I confront she'll be defensive
(3) Here's the video I made about what happened last night: https://youtu.be/zf5qzQ0no8g
16(4) 'Helping my bro-in-laws essay he has to do, really not in a good place, but I guess it's something distracting, can't really concentrate on it very well.17(5) Aiming to keep my head above water today
(6) Talking with patty has really helped - just going to take it really easy - I'm hoping to be taken for coffee in the morning
18(5) Asked why he didn't ask me about Sunday - rather confused stressed but concerned reply - will I have to ask my mum too :( been helping essay today it's something I guess19No Reasons20(7) vERY HAPPY I bought NOWTV so I can watch the new Twin Peaks tomorrow, it's got Veep and loads of other stuff too.21(7) Aww I overheard being talked about a cute thing for my bf in complimentary say makes me smile
(6) lovely weekend with a visit from a very good friend of ours, now to work, and the thought of negotiations with my producer next week - eep!
22(7) Got to watch new twin peaks :)23(6) finished the trump draft, had a nice day actually, went for a walk in higham, charity shops and the like, library, coffee :) nice chat with eileen, nervous for producers response24No Reasons25(6) Went stir crazy, so got F-in-law to take me to theirs, was lovely, had a nice evening, back home working, trying to keep feelings of worthlessness away, I feel like everyone can see how worthless I am
(5) Annoyed at b being out all tomorrow
26No Reasons27(4) Arggghhhhhh weekends :(28(5) working hard, although feels futile sometimes.
29No Reasons30No Reasons31(6) Looked in the mirror and smiled - going to Brighton for the day :)
   1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4(6) Wow - after years of feeling left out because my partners parents don't include me in conversations about big things like moving or jobs that concern us both - I'm over it - just don't care anymore
5(6) Been Nordic walking - and I did this video about my book - could be triggering it's about bullying and truancy https://youtu.be/aMCNqw8q1Cs6No Reasons7(3) General election is making me stressed and depressed - need a plan b to cope through to the end of the week8(4) Clawing back some sense of normality doing work in a cafe - trying not to think of the news9(7) We have hope and optimism :) I was worried it would be a landslide
(6) Really knackered
10(8) Full of beans - literally eating super green grain :D11No Reasons
12(7) Did another video https://youtu.be/rnXkbuYHDks13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16(6) Learning to love ones own body the way it is
(5) Spoke to my parents about their health problems - big mistake
17No Reasons18No Reasons
19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22(7) Exploring stuff through my new show - love seeing my friends and I have Such love for them all23(8) Swimmy love brain
(7) Dread seeing performance videos of myself - actually worked out quite well
24No Reasons25(5) Can't find meds comfort eating have no money
26No Reasons27(7) Doing the charity gala at the lyric made me feel very confident about my work28(7) Making a Victoria sponge :D
(7) Content - my own person - when in a relationship it's hard to be your authentic self around others or it is for me - happier when I manage it
29No Reasons30(7) Content - busy working
(7) Made cheese scones, working still content
     1(7) Can feel distant rumblings of low angsty bad mood but keeping myself from it its my priority in life2(7) Haven't felt this stable for a long time and for what feels like such a long period long good mood - content mood and seeing off bad feelings quickly
3No Reasons4No Reasons5(7) Sitting in the coffee shop enjoying my book waiting for a friend, been swimming it's lovely6No Reasons7No Reasons8(7) Nice and sleepy after pride9(8) I didn't feel at all anxious today during a long social garden thing - I mean I felt fine all day - wow!!!
10No Reasons11No Reasons12(5) Decidedly meh13No Reasons14(5) Still flat - determined to carry on15(6) Went to the namco arcade :) that improved the mood
(7) Heavenly back up walk in
16No Reasons
17(5) Still don't feel right - trying everything
(6) Saw the play the kids class of my partners did - cheered me up :)
(5) Flat
18(6) Don't feel to bad this morning :)19(6) Feeling more human more focused
(7) People watching with Emma
20(5) Got so angry earlier - just strengthens my resolve to be assertive and get things sorted out like finances - had nice swim
(5) 'Maybe we will have a proper conversation tomorrow...'
21(5) Was merciful that rehearsals passed and went well - the proof will come by Sunday evening, tried at the prospect of the evening of working... then another early start (v early on Sunday)
(5) Probably looking at 6 or 5 hours sleep if lucky?
22(6) Mercifully easy tech :)23(3) !!!!! Post show blues
24(6) Calm and relaxed - good what a proper sleep can achieve maybe it's also just the dust settling
(7) Moomins
(6) Feeling tired and strung out but positive shoots are there
25No Reasons26(4) Ppl telling what I should be doing27(5) After the emotional sledgehammer of yesterday things seem to be returning to normal at a stealthy rate28(6) Having lovely fry up in Northants - living in the moment - no worries
(5) Monumental stress
(6) A nap, good food and positive reflection
29(6) Stoic30(8) Singing and laughing in the car to Edinburgh
(5) Sudden fear
(5) Sudden fear
(6) Sudden resolve
(7) Sleepy prosecco Belinda blinked and Nando's
31No Reasons
  1(7) Listened to a lovely radio 4 doc on performance this morning great way to start the day
(8) Photoshoot
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(5) Got some cold virus thing :(5No Reasons
6(5) When you fight against your low self esteem it tries to fight back with everything it's got! Can't let it win
(4) A dull day with no fun
(6) Making a teeny tot laugh on the bus by pulling funny faces and seeing his joy and laughter bright cute face looking at the world :)
7(5) Intense therapy - self esteem taking such a hit!!! Feel so frustrated8(5) Dx delivery/ ill/ relationships/ mood - need to do something to cheer the soul
(6) Despite low mood i did the washing up, some art work and admin - feeling relaxed and tired now - a little better despite stomach gripes
(3) Not great feeling like me sometimes
9No Reasons10No Reasons11(7) Feeling hopeful :)
(7) Feeling much better - have a social thing later with 'house mates' which I am not looking forwaed to - already thinking of how long I can stay before I can give a reasonable excuse to leave ;)
(6) The whole 'drinks' thing is moving to 9.30pm now... made anxious to have it in the first place really --- me off
12(7) Went for an impromptu trip to the cinema - had a lovely walk through the meadows in Edinburgh - lovely crisp autumnal weather - sunny tho - now taken myself to lunch ;)
13No Reasons14(8) Feeling good just enjoying myself taking it easy
(8) First time in living memory I don't have a project on and I feel relaxed and calm and easygoing - my days are full opportunity I can fill with a choice, nothing has changed externally only internally
15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons
20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons