5.5 avg
  278 days
  1094 hugs
  30 followers
January
MTWTFSS
 1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3(4) New year, but i'm still triggering myself, letting those bad thoughts get to me, overanalyzing ... but i should just refocus and move on4(6) Should practice positive self talk more. Complimented myself on many things. Feeling more powerful and in control after that. Maybe it works only for a while, but i'll take what i can get.
(7) Tea with my good friend & spa
(2) Nice 3 hours I had..But only takes a minute to unbalance me when that one person tears all my self-confidence down and all those negative thoughts come hunting me down
(7) Got rewarder for controlling my impulses, holding my tongue, not lashing out, handled things cleverly ;) Imagined things worse than they actually were. Should have more faith in myself (...and him?)
5(7) He's planning, investing, stepping up, and i'm rolling with it, why not. But i'm keeping my feet on the ground. I'm feeling in control :)6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
7(6) 8(5) Mood was 6 at work, but now falling to 5, bc i'm alone at home (and alone in my heart), it's so quiet in here, i feel tired, spent too much pointless time on the phone, triggered myself a bit ofc
(2) Shoulder nerve pain getting worse, bc of that cant fall asleep without meds anymore, pain makes me irritated at everything and everybody...
(5) Hormonal rush wore off, negative neural paths drained, feeling more at peace, don't care that much anymore. Hot shower, ibuprofen and off to sleep
9(4) Pissed off that he's acting like a douche when we are apart, although i gave him my friendship back after all the **** he's done.Pissed off that i miss him&care so much, so weak when have to let go.
(6) Wow, he called me back and was very warm and nice. I'm always assuming that things are worse...
10(3) Triggered by his passiveness11(3) Going to have serious conversation today, but i have to keep my cool while talking about very sensitive subject :/
(5) He's sick..going to bring him meds and food...I was so prepared to have this conversation out of my head but now...
(5) Brought him meds and food. Discovered 420 bong beside his bed...a lot of drinking bottles, mostly new year drinking sruff, so probably from new year he claimed to spend alone...
12(6) We had a nice phonecall. Period starting sooner than expected, that explains my terrible mood these past few days.
(7) Spa + cafe with a friend
13(6) Tried jazz funk dance class, liked it, going again :)
14(5) Had this sensitive conversation on the phone. Couldn't wait and suffer anymore. Went well. I didn't like everything I heard, but truth is always better. I handled it well. Already got results.15(6) Had a good time with colleagues :)16(6) Starting the day with a six. Waiting for todays dance class. I will try to practice being more in the moment and thankful today. 'Remember when you wanted what you currently have?'.17(6) Spend good time with him, mood was 8. When we actually meet, I feel everything is sweet and warm and fine, but when we have to communicate online, bad thoughts start to get to me.18(6) Pretty good day at work with colleagues.Everything's chill with him right now.He's stepping up.Situation i'm in really doesn't change that much, my confidence does,that affects my perception of things19(5) Feeling kind of meh today...
(3) I dont handle change of plans very well. Have this bad habit to imagine how future events will be like & then i am vulnerable to disapointments.feel unnappreciated, unwelcomed, like i am a burden..
20(6) Weekend was pretty good.
21(6) Pretty good day. Felt appreciated by him. Workday was easy. Got massage. Found some gratitude and affirmation apps to train my mind :)22(5) 5,5-6. Feeling a bit above the neutral.Good friend visited today.Lower mood levels in the evening, bc i'm already tired and self-control (mental control) is lower.Going to do some mind exercises.23(7) Mood was kind of 4-5, but then i practiced my dance routine at home and now listening to my favourite music at 2AM...4 hours until alarm clock...but worth it :)24(7) Morning:6,sweet colleagues.Afternoon:4, triggered by messages, we talked about it, he tries to understand, change and step up :) Friendship is possible. + Celebrated friends birthday with wine25(6) 6..because...hmm..it's friday, i can sleep longer, have plans for tomorrow (just in case won't get my hopes up tho), talked long on the phone with my friend, already cleaned the house...26(6) Day started with tears and disappointment, but we worked it out and now i am more confident and glad27(10) Had the most magical winter day
28(7) Still good mood from yesterday's hiking memories29(5) Stayed home today, feeling ill, tired30(8) Did well in today's dance class + spending the evening with him31(6) Good emotions from work, carpooling and colleagues. Listening to my favourite song, 'someday we'll all be free' by alicia keys, it brings me so much peace
February
MTWTFSS
    1(5) 5.5, so tired, period starting soon, already feel bad thoughts creeping, planned pretty big event for tomorrow, anxious how it turns out, but i just got to enjoy and let go of expectations...2(4) Lately even with enough sleep i feel tired..okou... Today i also feel anxious, scared, lower self esteem today.. So let's get out of bed, cup of tea, do some affirmations, thankfulness&see how it goes
(8) Party went well, everybody had a good time :)
3(6) Feel good after going to beauty salon.Still get triggered by the phone, but trying to remind myself the facts, things I chose/agreed upon, be thankful.Hard to let go when i just experienced it again.
4(6) Had a cool pizza workshop. Fighting bad thoughts...nothing has changed, only my reaction to the situation is different today than it is some other day...5(7) Changed my hair colour from blonde to red today for the first time & I love it! :)6(4) Communicating with him brings me down again...Seems pretty okay but some important aspects for me are still missing and i have already adressed them few times
(6) Feel better after dance class. And called him to talk instead of typing. Hate the week before period, when i feel max paranoid, irritated...trying not to say/do anything i regret during this time..
7(3) He's making me feel like #### again...would loneliness or opening myself up to someone else again really be worse? He's not worthy of what i can offer. But i chose to be in this situation so..
(7) Instead of being passive agressive i had an honest conversation on the phone and it made me calm, i got reassurance. Wish i didn't need reassurance from others that much, that i could do it myself.
8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9(6) 5.5 Feel good with my new haircolor. Had beautiful and cosy evening and morning. Won't see eachother for 2 weeks (going to take a trip). Feel a bit afraid, sad.10(6) Woke up early. Put rain and thunder sounds on. Wrote my thoughts out to tune in for the day. Feel pretty good.
11(8) Morning 6: listened to a good podcast on our way to work. Lunch 4-5: bad thoughts creeping.Evening 3:paranoia, disgust, low self esteem, triggers. Now 8: crazy how he stepped up. Feel warm,calm.12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(7) Haven't updated, vacation in Tenerife, did lot of hiking, a bit tired of communicating all day long, but feel good :)17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
18(6) Felt a bit anxious when i woke up, but already getting excited about going to loro parque today :) No time and place to do my mental exercises here tho...19(5) I'm in a wonderful nature, but feel anxious today...feel anger, disappointment, hurt. Feel like i want to cut this person out of my life. Wrote out my thoughts. It will get better :)20(2) Had a breakdown yesterday. Had to take xanax after a long time. Ruined my vacation a little bit, but only the last day.
(2) Still feel like shit. And i cant talk to that person about it probably until tomorrow evening. Hate that i am too weak to be done with all this. Hate that he can (i let.him) ruin everything for me.
21(5) Little bit better. No wonder i am feeling that bad, drank a lot of coffee and rum this week, had no time for myself, bleeding for 3 weeks already , probably hormones messed up too
(7) How good to communicate without those stupid devices where there's so much room for overthinking and wrong assumptions
22(7) Friend was over, laughed and talked a lot like we used to, time flew.. Videocall with another friend from far away, made me feel like i am not alone on this path :)23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24(8) Had a good weekend
25(6) 5.5 Weekend high wearing off. Should eat better, sleep more, start training again, take vitamins, drink more water-those basic simple things i am not doing while wondering why i feel tired...26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27(8) Dance class was hard, but great. He called me back, had a good and warm conversation on the phone, there was no reason for my suspicion and bad memories, yay :)28(6) Tired but feel at peace. Going to sleep.
March
MTWTFSS
    1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2(6) A bit disappointed, mind is playing tricks with the past, but still had a good time yesterday3(6) 5.5 Went to the gym. Also practiced for the dance class. Feel pretty ok. Off to sleep.
(6) Went to see a good movie with my friend. Had a nice warm phone call.
4(7) Had a fun evening with colleagues in escaperoom5(4) Feel irritated. Want to stay home. But have this meet up where i dont want to go, but i dont want to let down. Just pushing myself through. Tired. Mentally. Fear...that i'm getting played again.
(7) Damn i love him :/ i believe he has a good heart
6(4) Feel sad and lonely. Want to hug. Tired. Skipped dance class today.7(6) Today was okay. But felt sick and feverish when i woke up ?8(7) Squash and sauna with my friend ^^9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter12(6) Feel weirdly tired lately, but emotionally stable.
(6) Went skiing (last snow, but for the first time this year :D), now having a tea and then going to sleep :)
13(7) Today's dance class was great :)14(4) Hmm...feel a bit sad, confused, empty after last night
(6) 5.5ish... Had a good laugh with colleagues today, squash was fun, but bad memories creeping..going to sleep fast so they can't catch me
15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(4) Feel sad today. Although went to the spa last night and everything objectively is okay? Or is it?
(7) Saw one of my relatives after a long time, had a great chat over a cup of coffee, feel good :)
17(2) Tired of doing/feeling this. I should be allowed to be human and have feelings too. Be sad, disapointed, scared some days. Not pushed aside when i am not a perfect robot. While i am being supportive..
18(4) Slowly climbing up again. He apologized. My night was quite sleepless, pulse was really high, nightmares, sweat. But managed to do fine and stay sharp at work.
(8) Belief in humanity restored for now. Hanging with my friend. Cat is feeling better.
19(5) 5.5. Pretty up and down today...glad we are meeting tomorrow and he bought us movie tickets but also triggers from the past when he broke my trust and my brain is asking why should now be different20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21(6) 5.5. Morning was good. Work was irritating. Then had a good time with my friend. But all in all feel very very tired, can't wait for the weekend to begin so i can take a breath...22(6) 23(4) Felt tired at home. Went to the gym. Now feeling worse, heart rate went crazy, feeling dizzy, nauseas....24(7) When sleeping in his arms, i feel like i don't need anything else in this world
(8) Going to sleep with warm heart and warm thoughts :)
25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27(5) Yesterday's score because of the triggering thoughts. Feeling in danger, like i could get hurt and played again. Phone call with my friend helped.
(6) Dance class was good :) although i barely made it there, i feel so (physically) tired it starts to worry me very much. Doctor's appointment after next week.
28(5) Pointless to hope for explanations when he denies everything (but i know for a fact), can't put his thoughts and feelings into words.Some days feel i cant keep doing this.But he is stepping up, cares29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30(6) Friend time, sauna, exciting plans for tomorrow. A bit disappointed i didn't see him.31To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
April
MTWTFSS
1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2(8) Sunday's score. Had a great canoe trip and after that went to taiwan tea ceremony.3(7) Yesterday's score. We went hiking at sunrise with colleagues before work and he made a surprise visit in the evening
(6) Dance class was different, but went ok. Rediscovered candy crush game. Feel extremely extremely tired for the past weeks, not much appetite.
4(6) 5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7(6) Having a change of heart. Something is changing inside me. It's good for the long run I believe.
8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9(5) Yesterday's score. Irritated, fear, bad thoughts.
(6) Tired, but hanging with my friend, we laughed a lot, i talked about my day and worries and feel better
10(2) Bad thoughts winning11(5) 5.5 yesterday phone call with a friend helped, seeing him and seeing that he tries also helped a little bit. Should make time to think everything through. Tired.12(6) Very busy day at work, got lot of things done today so i can breathe easier next week13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14(2) Yesterday's score. His depressed mood triggered me too. Lot of crying.
(6) Everything seems to be okay again. Fears are backing down.
15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(6) Geimzta with a friend17(3) Feel sad. Suspicious. Not good enough. Unfair. I deserve better. Why don't i give myself better? Felt nauseas and breathless in today's low intensity dance class.18(6) 5.519To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21(8) Yesterday's score
(7) Today's score. Photoshoot. Walking in the sun.
22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24(6) Dance class went well. Spent time with my friend in the nature. But miss talking to him, spending time with him. Have to survive next few weeks then his work schedule should be normal again...25(6) Feel pretty confident and optimistic today. Spent time with my mom.26(8) Played table tennis and enjoyed sunny warm weather with my friend.27(8) Trip to another city to visit my friend. Sun is out. Feel good.28(6) 4-6 today
29(5) His bad mood always gets to me.30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
May
MTWTFSS
  1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3(3) Not enough contact with him. He could find a way to ease the long distance relationship if he'd really want to..Strongly thinking about giving up this time. He's hot'n'cold, i'm always giving and warm4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10(7) Had nice days celebrating my BD with family, friends and colleagues11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter12(2) He just disappeared,everything was fine and now no contact. It scares me. What happened.dont want to go through this again. He cant even answer my warm text message...
13(6) Wheeew, he contacted me, something bad happened at work, it wasnt related to our relationship, i always assume the worse to be prepared, because past tought me so.14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(4) Got into bad argument with colleague. Feel lonely. Sunny and warm evening, i should be outside,but i'm under the blanket...17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
20(4) Heartbreak. Friends is all we can be. Somehow still functioning..maybe it hasn't sunk in yet.21(6)
(5) Mood drops a bit in the evening,when i am already tired. Friend visited. Made me feel better. Realising nothing really changed that much and i'm still in better place than a year ago also.
22(4) Anxious. Suspicious. Sad.23(3) 24(4) 25(7) Trip to the island. Swimming in the sea. Nature.26(8) Trip went well, although there was one breakdown...
27(6) Normal interaction with him. Feeling calm. Writing down my goals.28(6) Solid day.29No Reasons30(6) Wrote my thoughts out. Felt good.31No Reasons
June
MTWTFSS
     1(5) Went to the gym. When feeling down, at least trying to do something useful at the same time :P2(6) 5.5 feeling a bit lonely
3No Reasons4(6) 6.5 spent good time with a friend5(7) Good day. Beach. Workout.6(7) Yesterday's meeting with him went well. Today: Leg day in the gym, meals were healthy, I had a lot to teach to my student, feel pretty and confident.7(7) Went to the beach after work. Friend's kid reminded me all the cool things i used to do in the childhood. Waterfights, handstands...8(3) He always disappoints me. Not feeling happy when i am with him. He brings me down. Makes me doubt myself.9(2) He ruined my weekend. Disappeared yesterday, left me waiting until i got very apologizing text message. Promised to contact me today. Today is basically over. No word from him.Wont answer my call/text
(1)
10(5) Talking with my friend helps. At least for a while.11(7) Staying at friend's place again. Had a laugh listening to podcasts.12(6) Mood scale from 4 to 6 today. Played tennis after a long time. Got some things done.13(7) Day started with 3, day ended with 7-8, because ate sushi at the beach with my friend,feel happier and lighter. Sent warm text message, which may backfire,but at least i tried...14(3) He answered, suggested to meet on Sunday. I should be relieved, excited, happy? But i feel angry, sad, suspicious and disappointed ever since...i dont want to feel like this anymore. Feel the end near15(8) Went to my happy place, to the forest to find birch branches to use in sauna. Swam in the lake. Spent good time with my mom and my cat.16No Reasons
17(7) Yeaterday's score. Got a chance to meet with him, got my answers, i had wrong conclusions, he does care a lot. Tried pole dance. Was fun, but pole got so slippery so fast.18(7) Feel calm and warm when it comes to my communication with him. Chillin with a friend.19No Reasons20No Reasons21(7) Today's score 3-8. His messages broke me down for a moment, recovered with the last one, I misunderstood, assumed the worse. Went to the lake with colleagues, swam, ate pizza, picked flowers.22(4) Feel anxious about tomorrow. Will he cancel on me again? Will he disappear again? How will i cope with that this time? Maybe everything will be just fine?23No Reasons
24(8) Yesterday's score when i was celebrating in my parents house with bbq and sauna and felt so so good and light...
(4) Today's score. He didn't cancel on me. But i am feeling so sad,cause i have been giving and warm, I don't do things to get something in return, i do them cause i want to make him happy and smile
(6) Very controversial feelings. But calm...
25No Reasons26(5) Rainy day after a long time made me feel a bit sad and tired. Went to the gym. I like my body more and more. Went to the hairdresser, love the haircolor. Had to cut hair shorter for them to heal tho..27(5) 5.728(6) Feeling 6.1 today (:D). Went to the gym and played tennis after work. But weekends/free time makes me sad, i have time to feel those feelings i'd rather not deal with...29(7) Went mushrooming - got 3 kilos within 1.5 hours! Went to the old sauna. Feeling sleepy after spending time in the forest.30(3) Sundays bring me down, cause he makes me feel like spending one evening (not even a whole day) with him...in a week or two... is too much to ask...while he says spending time with me always makes him
(1)
(4) Feel a bit better. Don't know what i would do without my friend.
July
MTWTFSS
1(2) Sad but trying to survive this workweek, communicate with people...
(1)
2(5) Had a breakdown yesterday, because of his messages, cried so much. Thought I'd call in sick, but made it to work-I'm proud of myself. I'm able to eat also. Feeling calmer. Friend helped me a lot.
(6) Feeling okay
3(3) I'm triggered and stressed out by a man with whom i'm not going to share my future anyway...i already have decided i don't want him as my partner, best friend or father to my future children4(6) Felt okay today. Enjoyed the gym after work. Exercising regularly makes me love my body and myself easily.5(5) 5.5 In the evening self control is lower cause i'm tired and bad self talk starts to get to me (+drank coffee, it makes me anxious+ate crap food). But before that felt okay.6No Reasons7(7) Either nothing happens or everything happens at once. Visited a friend,then had to go visit another and then third one called to see me. I am thankful to have them and that they want to have me :)
8(1) Breakdown. Will not go to work tomorrow. Will take alprazolam after a long time.9(2) Not much better today. I'm scared it will stay that way for a long time.10No Reasons11(6) Went to the spa. Visiting a friend for two days. J finally agreed to meet me today, but i dont feel happy about it anymore. It shouldnt take so much effort.maybe i cant take him just as a friend yet
(7) Got a chance to speak off my mind, got some answers, i can see (and feel) things more clearly, try to write those fresh thoughts down before i fall asleep
12(5) ~5.7 Went to play boardgames. Planning to buy notebook tomorrow, will design it to be my mental health/strength exercising book. Right now writing down thoughts to add there, in different categories.13(7) Went to the gym. Ate healthy. Spent good time with my best friend. Thankful. Found a good song to play on repeat.14(6) 5.5. Went to the running competition, crazy uphill run in the forest, followed by sauna and grill. Thought i'll love running again after all those years but no. Will stick to other sports.
15(4) Working through things triggers me at the same time16(6) Huuh, finally finished the file i am planning to read when bad self talk arises, so i can access those good thoughts. They're all in one file now, not chaotically in many notes.17(2) Feel like being fooled and lied to. He claimed to be too tired to go anywhere with anyone, stood me up when we had plans to go hiking, but now saw pictures of him on a daytrip with his friends18(4) Talked with my friend and read my mental exercise diary. It helped a bit.
(5) 5.5. The end of the day feels already a bit better. Doing the thankfulness 'exercise', drinking cup of tea, listening to podcast under the blanket before going to sleep.
19(6) Went to the gym. Drinking chai latte in the cafe. Usually we break hard tasks into little steps so I set a goal to feel...(i don't like the word 'happy')...to feel satisfied...at least an hour a day20No Reasons21(7) I cried a lot yesterday but it was good to have it out. Hugged a lot. Feel calm and happy for now.
22(6) Felt irritated and too tired today, but also had those good parts of the day: hiking with my friend, podcast made me laugh a lot23No Reasons24(4) 2-6. Got triggered, sad, angry, bad self talk, paranoia. Bounced back with the help of my best friend. And got a little step up from J.25(6) Visiting a friend in another city. Enjoyed hot summer day. Lot of triggers that made me sad tho.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(7) Spent good weekend with J.
29(5) Felt weirdly irritated and sleepy today. Friend visited. Got my mood up.30(6) Last day of vacation. Back to work tomorrow. Feeling okay today.31(6) J stepped up. I must get it into my head that I am important and dear to him. Believe in myself more. First workday was okay.
August
MTWTFSS
   1(6) Day went well, although I should stop being so guarded and paranoid all the time. Just go with the flow. Not overthink. Not take it so personally all the time.2(3) Felt irritated because drank too much coffee and because his emotional state still affects me too. I dont trust him enough and for a good reason. Hate communicating via texts.3No Reasons4(8) Spent very good weekend withJ.
5No Reasons6(7) Feel good today, feel cared about, accomplished. Went mushrooming after work.7(6) Felt irritated today, maybe PMS, but had a good conversation with J and got some things off my chest.8(6) Today is a good day. Everything going well at work.9(6) 10(7) I had an exciting and relaxing day. Can't fall asleep tho, i am anxious like something bad has happened..so weird. I think it's just brain error.11(7) Felt sad in the afternoon (probably just hormonal cause), but enjoyable day after all:) hugs, movies, chilling on top of the roof, rally...
12No Reasons13No Reasons14(7) Spent good time with J, surprised me with beautiful big flower bouquet :)15No Reasons16(7) 17(5) Can't put my finger on it why... But felt 'meh' today...18(4) Sunny day, went mushrooming and swimming, but sad cuz we missed a chance with j to enjoy that day together. Chances are low to get this sunny and warm day in August again here...
(2) Trying to fall asleep to shut my mind off, but bad thoughts keep spiraling. In those moments i wish i had sleeping pills again.
19(5) No matter how bad.. Just do something...anything...So today it felt good at work, i felt like i belonged, went to the gym, didn't do as much, but still it's better than nothing20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons
26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons