5.4 avg
  76 days
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  14 followers
January
MTWTFSS
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February
MTWTFSS
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27No Reasons28(4)
March
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons
6(1) 7(2)
(2) #insomnia #anxiety #postnataldepression
8No Reasons9No Reasons10(3) Second day on mirtazapine. Mum has been staying with us to help with baby. Had panic attack after 5am feed and didn't get back to sleep. Tried body scan meditation- it calmed my body but not mind.11(3) Low mood but also lower anxiety which is great. Had a good sleep as mum and partner helped with nighttime feeds. Although I'm quite down I am confident I can get out of this.12(3)
(3) morning anxiety is lower after another decent sleep. Tried a new bedtime routine and it seems to work. Might get out for a walk today. Still feel worried about medication affecting baby.
(4) Had a walk with partner and baby to the Sundial on the hill, we ended in Starbucks with a Frappuccino. I felt slightly more free. I have decided to update my mood through the day to see the change.
13(6) Mood better today although it's a bit unstable and slightly wobbly. Feels good to have a calmer mind. As well as mirtazipine I've also made time for short meditations and yoga.
(6) Feeling motivated to shift the last half a stone of baby weight.
(5) It's getting dark outside and I'm feeling slightly anxious about wether I'll sleep tonight. I'm trying to acknowledge it and let it go.
14(4) Feeling stressed and anxious. Have a doctors appointment so I can't stick to my morning routine.
(4) Physical anxiety symptoms have lessened with 30mins meditation, 20 mins yoga and a beta blocker. Mind still grasping at things to stress about. Hush now mind!
15(5) A bit flat today. I have no plans which is calming. My brain is trying to make me worry by saying 'what if you DID have plans- how would you cope?' Trying not to listen.
(7) Midday mood update: very motivated to kick this PND in the butt! Received a lovely parcel from a friend. I'm reminded how loved I am as well as how much love I have for other people! Also planning to
16(6) Mood is reasonable but very slightly anxious. Still got a few jobs to do in the house but baby doesn't fancy a nap this morning!
(7) Mood stayed steady all day, which in itself makes me happy! Still emotionally fragile, but positive.
17(3) Insomnia is back. Feeling hopeless. Don't feel like I can cope. Drowsy from tablets yet wired from anxiety. I can't do this.
(2) Mood spiralling downwards. Can't believe the rate my mood can cycle. Just yesterday I thought I was out of the dark but today I feel like I've been sucked out of reality. Please pass soon! It feels as
18(7) Great sleep=better mood as predicted. No insomnia, no anxiety. A lot of dreams! Mind and body had a lot to work through after yesterday. WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!
(5) A bit anxious as I prepared to go out with my sister and baby but we adapted the plan. Picnic in her house!
(5) A bit anxious as I prepared to go out with my sister and baby but we adapted the plan. Picnic in her house!
19(4) Fighting to feel positive today. Worried I might never get better.
20(6) Slept well, even able to tell myself it didn't matter if I slept or not and it seemed to work. Desperate to feel like myself again though.
(7) Well SOMETHING good happened, like a switch! Somehow I feel OK! Maybe my hard work is paying off!
21(7) I awoke at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep- but last night marks a major improvement for me: I didn't have an anxiety attack. I feel the anxiety still exists but there is a distance between me and
(7) Still steady mood-wise! Anxious thoughts have tried to take hold but I've managed to push them away. It feels so strange to feel like this again. It proves there is light at the end of the tunnel!
(5) Logging this for the record: anxious thoughts returning. I'm distancing myself from them by naming it as anxiety. Have meditated, medicated and had a warm milky drink. I'm accepting they are there but
22(8) Starting to be able to separate my overwhelming feelings into 'anxiety', 'stress' and ' depression' which is making things more manageable. I can do this!
(6) Today has been testing but I've held my own space. Having a stressed baby makes me sad but does not mean there is something wrong with me.
23(8) The awful cloud of depression and anxiety is blowing further away. Feeling more like ME! Acupuncture appointment made.
(7) All is well- just daily pressures. Manageable but irritating. Baked some vegan carrot cake cookies. Ate four of them. Whoops.
24(6)
(6) Very tired today. It makes everything harder. Partner is stressed too and we were snappy with each other. Trying to just accept that I'm tired- not mad and I CAN cope, even if my overly analytical
(6)
(6) Very tired now but this feeling does not define me. If I didn't have a baby now I wouldn't think twice about feeling this way- I'm expecting myself to be perfect and that's just ridiculous!
(6) Very tired now but this feeling does not define me. If I didn't have a baby now I wouldn't think twice about feeling this way- I'm expecting myself to be perfect and that's just ridiculous!
25(5) Just holding on to the good side of OK. Woke up at midnight and didn't get back to sleep. Feel more sane now I'm awake, just upset, I'd been doing so well.
(4) It is a bad day- not a bad life.
(3) Really tired, really anxious. Really bored of having the same boring problems. I have such a great life- I just wish I could live it.
26(2) Just feel terrible
(6) Sorry to swear but WTF? I feel happy again? This mood cycling is confusing the hell out of me!
27(7) Feeling good today: did a but of exercise with baby; doctor tweaked my medication which should help with insomnia and mood swings; bought pizza and salad for Mum coming over tonight. I had a night of
(8) It's a nice day. No particular reason. Just nice.
28(7) First night on increased Mirtazipine. Slept really well and not drowsy today. Quite clear thoughts. Some worries but no physical anxiety.
(8) Goals for next month or so: to have a cup of coffee or glass of wine without fear or guilt; to have the evening feel like the evening and not just a deadly build up to bed time; to have one full week
(7)
(5)
29(6) Feeling kind of normal. Worries are there but not crushing me. Baby had injections this morning which had been making me worry. Feeling a little fuzzy.
(7)
30(7) I'm happy today although my mind feels torn between thoughts of being scared or weak and thoughts of being strong, energetic and lively. The latter is winning. Must fight off bad thoughts!
(6)
31(7) Not anxious, not anything much, which is a relief in itself. I don't know how else to explain it rather than it's an 'appropriate mood'; I'm neither happy, sad or scared for no reason.
(8) I'm looking ahead and the future seems hopeful. I think I can really do this. I'm going to write down a plan so even if I have a bad day I'll be able to plot my way out!
April
MTWTFSS
     1(7) Poor baby was struggling with effects of immunisations last night. It made it hard to sleep as I was worried and routine was disrupted. He's having daddy time now and I've gone to the gym and spa!
(6)
2(7) I feel relaxed! I'd totally forgotten what it feels like to have a regular heartbeat and relaxed muscles! My eyes look different, less crazy!
(8) First time in forever that my mood has actually improved into the evening!
3(7) Just reflecting on how far I've come in such a short time. Staying positive is exhausting but wholly necessary for recovery. I've been reading about the Amygdala and how to train yourself out of the4(5) Bit panicky this morning. Feeling tired so hopefully when that wears off I'll feel better.
(7)
5(8) Really deep restful sleep last night. So pleased I'm feeling up to long walks and exercise again. I'm classing a 10 mood as where I was at before depression hit- so I'm not far now!6(6) Cannot stop eating today. I need so many crackers.7(8) I can't believe it- IM BORED! I feel so lucky to now be at the stage where I'm actively seeking out people to see/places to go! Just a few weeks ago I was hiding from the world!8(8) It's been over 3 days since I felt any significant physical anxiety symptoms. I'm getting there with the mental ones too.9(7) Bit tired but overall everything is good I think!
10(8) Doctor is very pleased with my progress and positive actions! I said I was concerned about weight gain (I didn't explain just how scared I am) but she said I need to be kind because I won't be on the11(7) Acupuncture appointment today. Very excited although anxious about finding the clinic!12(8) Acupuncture was great yesterday. I learnt a lot and everything about my anxiety and kidneys seemed to fit. Woke up several times but no panic attacks. Mood rating would be higher but the scale hadn't
(8) Just looking back at my mood charts. I've realised how good I am at 'looking in the bright side' as a lot of the times I said I was happy I think I was just hopeful. Hope is magic.
(6) Feeling a little anxious this afternoon. I've read that sometimes accupunture can make the symptoms come back before they go away. Maybe that's why...?
(5)
13(8) Feeling reasonably 'normal' and thinking quite clearly. Baby seems to be out of his fussy phase and is smiling all the time. Think I might go buy loads of Easter eggs for myself to eat on Sunday since
(8) Feeling reasonably 'normal' and thinking quite clearly. Baby seems to be out of his fussy phase and is smiling all the time. Think I might go buy loads of Easter eggs for myself to eat on Sunday since
14(6) Still a little anxious but not sure why? Maybe because I'm goi g into town for an hour without my baby for a quick drink with a friend. Perhaps what I'm feeling is guilt? I'm only going to be gone 2hr15(8) Feeling remarkably un-anxious if that's even a thing! Didn't expect to since I had a cocktail yesterday and a silly argument before bed.
(9) Dare I actually say a 9?! I just did! The day just gets better! Trip to an art gallery with baby, caramel macchiato at the quayside, quick visit to see friends now snuggling up to watch a film!
16No Reasons
17No Reasons18(4) After a big chunk of great days I ended up having a bad panic attack in the night. Im devestated, thought I'd beaten this and was coming out of the dark. I hope I'm not a lost cause. Trying so hard to19(5) Had a good sleep but still recovering from anxiety attack. Feeling sad and unmotivated today. I just want to be better but maybe I need to be more patient.
(4)
20(3) I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad again. Another panic attack leading to insomnia. Acupuncture later. Feel like crap.
(5) Acupuncture lifted the pressure from my chest and the mental fogginess. PLEASE LET ME FEEL BETTER TOMORROW!
21(5) Still slightly anxious but better than yesterday. Made myself exercise through it. Heading to parents this afternoon.
(5) I don't know if this will work with night time anxiety but I've found that I can stop a panic attack by taking my attention to the tips of my fingers and tips of my toes! It instantly lifts pressure!
22(1) Complete breakdown. Anxiety and mood out of control. Made emergency appointment. Can't make sense of my thoughts. Don't know what difference seeing a doctor who doesn't know me will make23(0) Something is not right. I really don't feel ok.
(2) As the effects of the meds wore off I started to feel a little better. How the hell can my anxiety fight through 2 different sedatives and manage to keep me awake?! I could cope with weight gain when
24(3) Slept better but still a bit anxious. Hopefully I'll be able to see doctor today.
(4) Feeling more positive.
(5) The fog is lifting. It's terrifying to think it was just yesterday I thought I was finished! My amazing doctor has arranged for someone to visit me at home tomorrow!
25(3) Another panic attack in the night.26(5) Got through the night without anxiety attack. Every time I woke I'd just repeat to myself that I'm not well and that not sleeping is a symptom of the illness, not a failing of myself for not being
(7) I'm either hypomanic or my increased dose of medication is taking effect. Trying not to overthink things and just be relieved that I don't feel like death.
27(4) Moderate anxiety through night starting at 4.15 despite trying all my tricks. I would do ANYTHING to just be well again.28(3) Lack of sleep making me feel very ill. Racing heart but no energy. I've decided to stop breastfeeding to see if it can get me out of this but my heart is breaking at the idea29(0) Called Crisis team. I can't take this anymore. Having to wait for a nurse to call me back is painful. The guilt of feeling this way is killing me
(3) I've had a lot of help today, I hate being this needy. It occurred to me that this is the first day since giving birth that I stayed in bed past 8. Also had an hour in bed this afternoon.
30(5) It's amazing what a good nights sleep and 2 hours in the gym can do. Must break this anxiety insomnia cycle because life is so good without it!
May
MTWTFSS
1(4) Anxiety very much present but it's just manageable. Broken sleep but no panic attacks.2(4) Another decent night with no anxiety but it still hits me as soon as I'm out of bed, the 'not another day' feeling. Nurse visiting on Thurs, hopefully things will start to really improve.3(5) Feeling more hopeful.4(6) I actually feel like a fire in body has been extinguished. I don't ever want to feel that bad again. Meeting my nurse today-it's time to get well!
(6) It's possible that this whole nightmare could be down to postnatal thyroiditis! Got an appointment for tests. That would explain why mindfulness wasn't helping!
(7) Going to bed and feeling relatively 'normal' again.
5(6) Health is starting to come back but this morning I'm missing the freedom of my old life.6(7) 7(7) I'm not going to take my thyroxine until I've had blood tests. I'm convinced the episodes I've been having are thyroid related. Cutting out gluten too.
8(5)
(4) HORMONES ARGHHHH I'd like to drink a bottle of wine in bed and send emo texts to all my best friends but I can't because I'm a bloody adult now with a baby. Still not sure how I came to be here ha ha
9(6) So unmotivated and down. Anxiety is manageable but I don't find anything enjoyable!10(5) Good news is that baby seems to be able to sleep through the night! Shame I can't. Two anxiety attacks in the night
(3) No release from this anxiety.
11(6) Nurse is visiting today. Hopefully we can make some changes to my medication so I can start to feel better again!12(7) Not a bad night as far as anxiety goes. More like that please.13(7) Another good night! My acupuncturist has created a prescription for me, hormones appear to have calmed a bit, appointment for meds review is in sight. I feel educated and prepared for14No Reasons
15(7) Feeling OK.
(8) The system is down at doctors so can't get test results. No pounding heart, no shakes, no dizziness, I don't feel overwhelmed today. Only a slight hint of panic. This rapid change must be down to
16(7)
(6) Waited all morning to talk to doctor about test results. I still don't have an answer for why I feel like this. Feeling hopeless.
17(7) 18(8) Feeling calm. Even just two days of eating Whole 30 feels good!19(5) Ffs another panic attack in the night!
(6) I need to believe that some of this is out of my control. The hell that I fall into is only 'symptoms' and each time I may not fall as deep, for as long. Postnatal hormones are EVIL!
20(7) 21(3) 4 hours of panic attack. None of my medication or techniques are helping, just severe waves that cripple me. Considering calling ambulance but not much I think they can do
(4)
22(5) More of the same. Panic attacks from 3am.
(6) Hi 5 for me. Think I coped pretty well today (despite not leaving the house)
23(1) No sleep at all. Terrified and not sure I want to live if 2 weeks of every month are wiped out with whatever this is.
(3) Made it through another day. Nurse brought me some new sleeping pills to get me through the night- fingers crossed they can quieten my mind enough to sleep. Only one more full day until I see psych.
24(0)
(1) New sleeping tablets didn't do a thing other than make the anxiety fight harder to be present.
25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons
29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons