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January
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Haven't been on in a while. Gained back the lost weight over the holidays, so that sucks. I still run and have no injuries right now, that's good. I've spent an hour talking to my cousin and my ex on2No Reasons3No Reasons4(5) Going to sister's. Missed a connecting train due to being an idiot. Cold, miserable, feeling small.5(5) Feeling sad. Could be hormones making life that much harder, could be that I've moved so far away from my family of origin's… style of interaction?.. that I feel completely out of place with them.6No Reasons
7(7) Mom's a complicated human being, but she sure knows how to have a great day out. We went to the Strasbourg Museum of Fine Arts, where we saw Rafael, Titian, Donatello, Rembrandt, Rubens, Botticelli,8No Reasons9(7) Went to the skating rink with sister yesterday, was pleasantly surprised by my ability to almost skate like a normal person. I think running has helped. Today we're shopping in France. Tired.
(10) And this is for the museum of modern art. It was amazing. Saw Picasso, van Gogh, Magritte, Monet, Rodin... And Joana Vasconcelos, I'm in love! She is my favorite living artist now.
10No Reasons11(6) Last day at my sister's. Went to Strasbourg to take off the plastic anti-theft thing the salesperson left on my new skirt by accident. Everyone is super nice today. Sis took me out for a skate even12No Reasons13No Reasons
14(8) Backdated: very happy to be back home :)
(8) My first therapy session ever. I don't know yet if the doc will take me on, but I like her. She has a positive and quiet presence. Also, I really need to talk about stuff. Fingers crossed.
15(6) I really don't have the time to post and comment these days :( I hope I will once I get back from yet another trip. This time the three of us are going for a little snowboarding/skiing vacation.16No Reasons17(6) Back in Schwarzwald, this time with Inga and Alex. They are going to snowboard tomorrow, and I'll give the skis another go. I'll probably fail. Feeling pretty good these days, except today I got upset
(5) My therapist has asked me to write a little journal about my relationship with David. That's my ex husband. I'd decided not to think about it while on vacation, but it's so hard, especially at night.
18No Reasons19(7) Spent the evening listening to music and cuddling with Inga. I was sad at first, but then my mind sort of got quieter, and there was just music, and everything was better. It ended up being a lovely20No Reasons
21(8) Spent most of the day cleaning the flat after it's been the responsibility of a teenager for 5 days. Could have been MUCH worse! The highlight though was talking on the phone to a panda. It was just22(5) I had so many plans today, but instead got sick and spent the day in bed. Did go grocery shopping in the evening though. Not eating and puking for the whole day has made me remember something:23(6) Ran, cleaned up, cooked (sort of), took care of sick teenager, did a painting, been, like, efficient lately! I like this kind of me, much better for self-esteem than the depressive one. The depressive24No Reasons25(6) Pretty nice quiet day. I posted a letter today.26(6) Waiting for the snow to melt so I can go for a run. They have dry paths here almost all the time, so I never screwed my shoes *waves to Jeff* Talked to my bestie last night, she is in a very very27No Reasons
28(6) Had a fun time last night, but a lot to think about now. Will have me a lazy day today.
(7) Feeling cozy and happy to have some alone time. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow (got a cold) and the weather permits me to go for a run. And now it's time for bed and a book. And a pleasant dream,
29(5) Woke up depressed. Hoping for a change. Got very good advice on that! I am so lucky with people I meet. I always have been. I do appreciate them. Going to try and paint on a big canvas tomorrow or30No Reasons31(6) Still ill. Can barely speak :( Throat very sore. Not running, not doing anything, really. Today I'll limit myself to the bare minimum of housework I think. Mood it OK though.
February
MTWTFSS
    1(6) I've been silent today because of laryngitis, and wow, that is an interesting experience! People have never been so nice to me, so sweet and full of words of love and appreciation, as when I shut up!2No Reasons3(6) I will try and think positive today. I'm still ill, but getting better. Soon I will be able to go back to a somewhat active lifestyle. It'll make me feel good. I've sent my paintings' photos to a guy
4(7) I got some news today, I actually stand a chance of getting into an exhibition this summer. It feels amazing even though I am not sure yet. It feels good to be thinking about the future. Most of my5(6) Spent the day doing nothing interesting. Only got tomorrow to finish my journal for the therapist. Watching 'The Assasination of Gianni Versace'. Genius. Words fail me. One of the best shows I've seen6(8) I've finished the thing I needed to write for the therapist. As I was nearing the end my face got really hot, my head started pulsating and felt like it would explode, and I just couldn't keep still.7No Reasons8(5) This is for yesterday. The therapist I saw realized I needed a different kind of therapy, so she gave me the number of someone who could be good for me. It felt... well, sad in a way, because I'd9(7) Had a nice day out, did some walking and some shopping in the city. I used to hate it because of all of the people, but I feel different about that now. I feel better about social gatherings and10(8) Just had a great run, beat some personal bests, really enjoyed the windy springy 10 degrees outside. When I got home it started raining. Lucky me! Glad to have done 7.2 km, the next few days are going
11No Reasons12(8) I have just pressed the 'send' button on the festival application. It feels like something a real actual person would do. It might have been the first good thing I haven't sabotaged in my whole life.
(10) I got the best present ever yesterday! A painting by a Panda. It's beautiful and disturbing, which is the best combination ever. It is so much better than everything I've done or posessed. I love it
13(5) We didn't to well at the quiz, but it was fun hanging out with people. Until we got home, all was well. Alex can be such a douche. I realized something though. When someone hurts me I tend to then14(5) This was a sad kind of day but it's coming to an end now. I might cry later, but that's OK. I've been feeling so heavy and tired up until I picked up a brush. Had to get a chair because I couldn't15(9) Great day today. Sunny, good run, and it's my painting anniversary. I've made a post with my first ever painting and the one I did today. I don't mean to say the new one is great or anything, just the16(8) Wow, it is a great day today. I've been feeling upset about something that's been on my mind for many years, and feeling sad that I'd surely never have what I want (it's a romantic thing, it's stupid
(7) Random question: do you prefer being the bog spoon or the little spoon? Or maybe you can't go to sleep when someone is touching you? Or you can't go to sleep except when alone? Tell me, pandas :)
17No Reasons
18(6) Nice walk, an idea for a painting forming, feeling good and positive in general. Not about everything, but wanting to live and drink up life just like I used to before certain things happened. Yay!19(6) I've been feeling tired and low today. Didn't do much, just a lot of cat hugging. Once Inga got home I felt bette. Got creative plans for tomorrow! And a very special present to open ? ??20(10) This was the best birthday I've ever had. Not even as a child, have I ever felt this blissful. I've been showered with gifts of music and art, and a genuine desire to share, and, well, love.21(6) (backdated) was feeling a bit tired from all the excitement of the previous day. Rested, did a couple chores.22(7) (backdated) Missed a run because my heel was sore, and the weather was bad. Painted a portion of the guitar. Thought of a good name for it. Also, had a sort of an artsy business idea. Feeling good.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25(7) I've been to a play last night, and it was genius. Honestly, great theatre plays happen about as often as good movies, and I feel so lucky and privileged to have been there. I've also hung out with
(5) Today started off bad, but I went for a run and did some useful stuff at home. Tired of the negativity coming from Alex. Such a waste of time and energy. Not sure what to do. I feel like this could
26(8) Went for a walk (something I don't usually do alone), did chores, worked on the guitar project, cooked a little, watched a little great TV ('You' again). The best part of my day though was seeing some27No Reasons28(5) I've been feeling a bit low yesterday, because my subconscious was fucking with me. I couldn't even have a proper run. Talking to a friend helped though! In fact, it helped so much I've decided to
(7) Got a dark red chest of drawers, new bedsheets ( peacock! I wanted something crazy), a new blouse. Plan for tomorrow: run, assemble the chest, organize my room. Finish painting!
March
MTWTFSS
    1(6) Busy busy day today. Mounted my new chest of drawers, cleaned the floor and the mattress, changed the sheets to the new pretty ones. My room still needs a lot of work, but one side of it is looking2(8) Bought a carpet Inga had requested. Run (and did well), done some chores. I've stopped drinking alcohol but said to myself I can have some every Saturday. I really don't feel any better now I've had3No Reasons
4No Reasons5(5) Hard day yesterday, some bad memories. But I painted them out.6(6) Went to see the German version of Lazarus last night. Then we hung out with a friend from theatre. It was fun.7(5) Grumpy and irritable today. Did a new kind of run yesterday and went for a walk in the rain today. Hoping mood improves when the sun comes back.8No Reasons9(5) Backdated. A fun Saturday, watched Bohemian Rhapsody again, enjoyed the night in general. Still feeling unenergized. I loved being all active and bubbly, I want more of that, please!10(6) Went to a motorbike exhibition with Inga and Alex. It was good. I want to go for a ride soon, but the weather has to change. It's still crazy windy here. Alert level windy.
11(6) First day of B2 German. I did better than I thought, actually got one of the two best results in the group. Feels nice. Also, the new teacher seems nice and chill.12No Reasons13(5) Wind and rain every day, I haven't run in a week and it's starting to get to me. I excercise at home but that's never made me feel any better. Can't wait for the stupid storms to be over!14(7) Feeling peaceful and cozy since last night. Very glad to see the darkness take a step back. Plans for today: walk to a far off supermarket (in the rain), some chores and painting.15(7) The painting is killing me! My back hurts so much from being bent over for over an hour. Gonna try and adjust the easel and paint sitting down tomorrow. I like it though, can't wait to be done with it16No Reasons17(8) Finally had some good weather and went for a run. It was OK. Feeling pretty good about myself. Done with the hard part of the painting. All is well except for the three day long headache.
18No Reasons19(6) Did a run. Bought some pretty tape for the windowsills. Unclogged a drain, did regular chores. No time to finish my painting these days. Head hurting since last Friday. Like the good old days! Ugh.20(4) We were just at a light and saw a guy on a cool chopper with such an awesome helmet on... We looked at him and smiled and ?, he also did ? and drove off and... Fell. Right in front of us. We feel21No Reasons22(6) I'm very grateful for a lesson I have recieved last year. It is this: mentally ill or not, we still have a choice to make about how we see our lives. One can strive to be positive or not. Just trying23(6) I keep forgetting to update. When I try and keep moving I feel pretty good, so that's what I try to do. The paln for today is: a run, a shower after, pharmacy visit, groceries, then going to Inga's
(2) Here we go, I'm heavily triggered and spiralling tonight. I can't bring myself to show it to anyone around me. It's too close to my heart, the stuff I'm thinking, it's mine and mine alone. It always
24(5) Today is one of those times when I need to influence my mood. I'm not sad like yesterday anymore, but I can easily get into a negative pattern right now and stay in it for a long time.
25(6) German lesson today. Some chores. A little exercise. I bought a nice notebook in a Swedish eco friendly shop in town. I haven't journaled since I ran out of pages in the previous notebook. I think it26(4) Ran. Cleaned, cooked, painted (a little), watched an episode with Inga (as always). Same old negative thoughts at the back of my mind. I suddenly remembered when they started. I mean, I've always been27No Reasons28(5) Backdated. Lots to do tomorrow.
(5) Started journaling during my depressive episodes again (yesterday). I feel a little better already, a little bit more self-aware.
29No Reasons30No Reasons31(6) A great day in Dresden yesterday. It's a nice city, I really like the atmosphere there. Probably because it's Eastern Germany and they've got Russian vibes sort of. Hung out with new people, feeling
April
MTWTFSS
1(6) A little while ago I've decided to only drink alcohol on social occasions. And to drink less of it when I do. I've been sticking to the plan and feeling pretty good. And still I notice talk of how2No Reasons3(3) Very shitty mood. No particular reason, just a phase I suppose. Might take a long lasting Quetiapine today. Will see how that goes. Don't want to do anything but got German lesson and quiz later. Not4(7) Did I mention I was irritable? I've gotten into an argument with Alex. He was being slightly dicky, but I'd normally ignore that. Then, spent an hour talking to Inga about him, life, fear of intimacy5(6) Woke up feeling less motivated than I'd like to be. Went for a run, then a walk then another walk with Inga. Did a total of 19k steps, feeling great now. I think I'll sleep super well :) Great talks6No Reasons7(6) Didn't exercise yesterday, didn't paint either. Got my new glasses, tested new contacts, then grocery shopped and cleaned. I guess that's OK too. It wasn't a bad day. I do hope I find time to paint
8(4) Was playing badminton yesterday when suddenly my leg went out from under me and felt like my knee was bent to the left. When the pain subsided I couldn't stand on the leg, because it would bend at a9(5) Spent yesterday talking to doctors, but don't know what I've done to my leg. Seems there is a tear in there somewhere. I can walk slowly though so I did take that plane and I'm in Porto now. I was10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13(8) Leg didn't stop me from having fun on holiday. I got a crutch and walked more than I expected. Muscles used to it by now though right hand is a bit sore. And Portugal is my favorite place now :)14(7) Leg's feeling better, I've read that I should be going for walks after having it rest for a few days (let's pretend like I did do that. I mean, a crutch is rest, right?). Kiwi the cat is overjoyed to
15(5) I'm feeling sad for reasons I can't fully comprehend. Hoping telling a friend and hearing what they've got to say will bring me some clarity. Will journal as well.16No Reasons17(5) Lazy day. Not particularly sad, so that's good.18(6) Finally told myself to go and paint something. It felt good. Tried a (very small) black canvas for the first time ever, I loved it! Thought I'd conveyed what I was feeling.19No Reasons20(5) I'm still feeling lost without my knee problem. I mean, I still can't run or even walk normally, but when it was really bad I felt so much better about myself. Like I was being strong, and overcoming21No Reasons
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