6.4 avg
  301 days
  1905 hugs
  69 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(9) Happy New Year everyone! Spent 2 hours of yesterday watching Muse's concert from the same tour that I've seen live. Fun!2(8) My gf has given me tickets for The Phantom of The Opera for New Year's, and she's going with me even though the phantom is a narcissist and he pisses her off. That's love, definitely ?3No Reasons4(6) Feeling cozy, lazy and a little bit sad.5No Reasons6(5) Time to find some time for myself again. Meditation, reading up on psychology, all that. Monday studies start again, this is the perfect time.7(8) Badminton with both my friends. A 2 hour cardio plus a ton of fun. An experience to repeat regularly! Last day of vacation today, welcoming the routine but not the getting up at 6, nope :)
8No Reasons9(7) Been having nightmares; I asked my subconscious: what are you trying to tell me? A vague idea popped right into my mind: too many memories, my Guide is worried I might fall into old self-desrtuctive
(6) I've been feeling inadequate lately. Like, I should be more motivated and upbeat because my current situation is so good. Maybe it's just the contrast with previous time without meds?
10(4) As I explore my inner landscape and go deeper and deper I always hit the same wall: the masks that I wear, that I have to wear because of the innermost belief that I am defective at my core11(7) Got snowboarding pants today. Hard to find my size and I'm not even that fat ? where's the justice in that? I need sport more than skinny people! ? I still kinda love myself. Well done, me.12No Reasons13(8) Guess who won a badminton match today? Moi. I also retaped the handle on my racket. I'm 34 and I still get to have firsts. My friend had to put her dog down. My brother is celebrating a 2 year14(5) I really don't want to go anywhere right now. Hope it'll be fun once I'm there and outdoors. I'm sort of tired. Emotionally rather than physically.
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(6) Well, snowboard is not my thing, I don't like being attached so definitely to anything ? will try skiing today. Gotta find something to do here.18(5) Boy, do I suck at winter sports ? disappointed, or rather, scared of being disappointing. Overall mood is better, though. Gotta do some balance training.
(7) Swimming always makes me feel good. At ease, relaxed but strong. One thing that comes naturally to me. I wish I could try kayaking right now instead of skiing. First World problem right there ?
(6) When I look back on what my life was like a year ago I see I really don't have to be upset about anything. Everything I wanted to happen, happened. I need to work on the fear of losing it all now.sigh
(8) Final note: I've been writing in the last 3 days. It's a new approach, and it's so freeing. I've finally managed to get the expectations' weight of my shoulders. It feels amazing.
19(9) Yes, I go like mountain skiing!!! I can even turn left already. Not right, though, I usually fall over when I turn right ? still, not bad for one day.20(9) I've started to sort of understanding skiing this morning, it it's amazing! The little discoveries one makes when trying something new. For example, skiers look like jerks, because those shoes are a21(8) Did a lot of nothing today ((c) my Scottish exchange mom). Got 5 new songs for my guitar repertoire. Watched 'Amy' with I. Life is good.
22(5) Gained better understanding of my mood patterns, how long they last, how often they happen, etc. Don't know what I'm going to do with the information, but there it is.23(5) I had to enforce a boundary today. Boy, did it feel awful! I'm codependent to the extent where it didn't even occur to me to say out loud I'm uncomfortable with something for most of my life.24No Reasons25No Reasons26(7)
(4) UPD for yesterday, I was feeling really flat.
(8) I wore a Rick and Morty T-shirt today, no reaction from my class whatsoever. On the way home past a school a group of teenagers complimented me though ? am I infantile or just plain cool? ?
27(8) Badminton today. Got an extremely painful cramp in my right arm and had to change the style of my game. That was what led to victory against a stronger opponent. There's a lesson in there somewhere :)28(4) I wasn't the golden child, I've always been the scapegoat, I've just been too brainwashed to see it. Stupid me. Hurt and shocked. I need to learn to start and finish things only for myself.
29(4) More self-deceit: to this day I find it hard to believe what my ex husband did was abuse. But it was. Emotional, yes. I don't know if he realized it. Frankly, I shouldn't care. Will do my best.30No Reasons31(6) My borderline friend's behavior seems to be getting better at a crazy peace. He doesn't even have an official diagnosis yet, but has been reading up and has obviously gained some insight into his
(3) 'Better agression than depression', the 17-year-old-me used to say. I was so smart, I need to fully feel that anger so much. I'm angry with my mother and everyone who said the same things she did to
February
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2No Reasons3(4) A video called 'Six painful Issues of Adult Children of Narcissists' has sent me into a panic attack. Being a blind idiot is no fun. On the bright side, I've walked 10000 steps to relieve my anxiety.4(5) Done a lot of thinking and feeling. It's good to have a direction for growth again.
5(6) Felt the depressive kind of tired yesterday, physical but for no reason. Went for a walk. Cooked a nice meal. Was irritable but held it together. Thus a six.6(10) Cleaned the kitchen, did some shopping AND! Tried painting for the first time ever. Oil and everything. It's amazing. I can't even draw, I suck so bad but I don't care. Hypomanic? Loving it anyway.7No Reasons8(10) However I feel during the day, if I paint at the end of it, I feel like a ten. This reminds me of how I felt about writing when I was a teen. This feeling is the best one I've ever experienced. Quotin9(9) I've tried paining 'Wound Medals', it's the kind of medal soldiers get for not being heroic or going beyond the call of duty, just for getting wounded in action (so I gather). It seemed a cool concept
(6) Gotta update for today as well. Dunno what to write. I gotta play some guitar before my fingers go all tender again. Been having dreams about my ex husband. Guilt stabs. Anxiety. Otherwise OK.
10No Reasons11No Reasons
12(5) Falling behind again.
(4) Yesterday sucked. I have to let go of the illusion that my love, support and reserve can charge anything for anyone. Cathartic thought.
(6) Letting go, tears, wine, Muse and painting. Perfect.
13No Reasons14(5) Being upset made me paint something pretty for a change ?
(9) Feeling great and planning to keep it that way. And, hey, pandas, I love you all, and wish you a nice evening however you feel about today ???
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(8) I keep forgetting to update, darn :) all is well, to the extent that it can be well right now. Learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself not to be perfect. Feels pretty good.
(8) Great Afro dance session with live drums. Headache got in the way of feeling ecstatic, but it was good. A little cardio, a little meditation never hurt.
18(5) Telling my body I'm sorry for having been so unappreciative all these years. Demanding perfection, and never appreciating it's strength, resilience and it being such a fast learner. I don't have
(10) Wow, my body sure likes being treated nice, I've played badminton for 2 hours and I was in the zone! Won both matches, it's like everything was just happening on its own. Feeling good now, but tired.
19No Reasons20No Reasons21(9) Yesterday was so much fun I didn't update ? discovered Elliot Roger (a mass murderer) and the fact he'd left behind a book about his life and a vlog. That's like a psychologist's wet dream. Got22No Reasons23(6) Nice quiet day yesterday, except for realizing the amount of paperwork that needs to be done in order for me to stay in Germany. Painted ' Entitlement'24(6) The grieving process has taken me so deep into the past I've suddenly remembered the desire for cutting I used to have. God, how could anyone have ever thought I was OK? I was an abandoned child all25No Reasons
26(8) Took a train to visit my sis and her family. The sun is finally out but it's cold af. Mood is good though.27(10) In the last 24 hours I've made a wolf's head out of paper mache, played table tennis and pool, co-drew a picture with nephew and had a figure skating lesson. My sis' family is awesome.28(7) Figure skating lessons are going great, the coach is amazing, and I'm really getting the hang of it. Not doing anything complex yet, I'm a beginner, but it's so much fun!
March
MTWTFSS
   1(6) I so don't miss the drama of home. Thinking a lot of how I've always been drawn to toxic or unstable people. I need to change a lot about myself. Maybe then I'll meet someone who is comfortable with2No Reasons3(5) I was going to try skiing ( not mountain, the other kind), but feel ill with a stomach bug. It hurts so much, and it's been over 24 hours now. No skating today, either. This sux, I hope I'll be OK to4(8) Back home. Migraine after a long night of taking and drinking with sis. It was worth it ?
5(9) Home. Watched The Revenant and painted. I've discovered Elliot Rodger, a spree killer who left behind an autobiography and a YouTube channel. So interesting to dive into such a sick mind. The amount6No Reasons7(6) Things are as usual at home. Painting and waiting for the new course to start.8No Reasons9(7) Got new shoes yesterday and talked to a friend I haven't spoken to in ages. The connection is as strong as ever. He is doing good now, and I'm very happy. We chatted till very late though.10No Reasons11(4) Was very low yesterday. Everyone around here seemed to be. Couldn't even play badminton properly. Crying together with I. was kinda sweet though :)
(7) Flew on a lil Cessna today, that was great fun :)
12(6) Last day of not waking up early. Glad to be going back to the German course, though!13No Reasons14(7) course is great! We've got a Phillipinian transgender, and I've made them feel at ease right away. I like myself for that. I love people, and I think they all deserve to feel good while being15(8) Enjoying some alone time at home :) if I don't get that I become Irritatable, and since I have to wake up early I can't do that right before sleep, I just don't have the time. Ahhh solitude.16(9) If anyone wants to see my ' paintings', find me on instagram, abstracttherapy :)17No Reasons18(7) Got hurt by a friend, decided not to get into a fight, just went and painted my feelings instead. It was amazing, got all the crazy overreaction out of my system. I love art therapy.
19(4) I don't like a lot of negativity. I really don't. I love people. I want to understand them. I don't like being around judgemental ones, though.20No Reasons21(6) Been sick these past two days. Stomachache and just couldn't stop sleeping. Missing German class today :( It's so much fun, I hate missing it. Feeling a bit tired but better now.22(5) Extremely irritated by constant negativity of a friend. He probably doesn't mean anything by it. Or maybe he does, because words do mean something, especially when they keep coming.23(6) Been physically and mentally sick all day. Painted, failed, started over and upon completion suddenly felt OK. It's friggin magic!24(6) Yay, Easter holidays are here! Looking forward to all the sleeping in ?25(5) Tough conversation, sad thoughts in the night. There is a person who's always there for me, though. Me. I create my own sanctuary, I pick me up and find something cool to do together with myself :)
26No Reasons27(7) Tried repeating a painting yesterday. It's probably a good exercise. It came out good, plus this time it's got a better background. Have a big emotion to art therapise tonight. Looking forward to it.28(5) Feeling kinda bleh today. Love the sound of rain, though, and the general melancholy of the weather. Watching 'Gone Girl', so far I like it a lot.29No Reasons30(8) Long walk and reading in bed afterwards. Nice day off :)31(5) I must say, having emotionally disregulated people around is hard. Takes a toll.
April
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(2) This will be for yesterday. Had to call the police and ambulance for my friend who was menacing to kill himself. Will have to change living arrangements now. I'm so tired.
(8) This is for the day before. Everything was just wonderful. Hanging out, painting, enjoying life and the holidays.
(5) Feeling better
5No Reasons6(6) After feeling completely deflated yesterday woke up with a bit of energy. Good.7(5) I've gone into no desires mode.It's a defence mechanism, I know.And it's unnecessary.I'm grown up now, I can defend myself.I have no idea how to turn it off, though.Don't want anything from anyone Ugh8No Reasons
9No Reasons10(5) After feeling empty and melancholic for a few days I got better little by little. Effin migraines are killing me, though. Could it be because I'm not drinking these days? :D
(9) On my way to the cours today I suddenly had this very clear memory of how it felt when I was most in love. It was so vivid I actually felt in love in that moment. Not with that person (hell, no)
11No Reasons12(9) Yesterday was quite idyllic. Studied German, then bought a skirt (feels like summer is on its way), painted a something, went to bed early.13(7) Another nice day yesterday, except for being a little ill. It seems I'm OK now. Went afro dancing, then had an early night. Life is good when everyone's taking their meds hehehe14No Reasons15(7) Yesterday: a long walk, painting (tried to repeat a previous painting so I can give it to my mom. Good exercise, but will have to try again), grocery shopping. That wore me out, since I'm still sick.
(8) Going to Munich today with gf, she has to study there for 4 days. Today we'll go see Paul Klee's exhibition and just walk around the city. I'll take the train home in the evening.
16No Reasons17(8) Sunday in Munich was great! Health is getting better, too (antibiotics working), and I've found an anti allergy drug that works. Still exhausted, though. Studying.18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons