6.4 avg
  358 days
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January
MTWTFSS
1(9) Happy New Year everyone! Spent 2 hours of yesterday watching Muse's concert from the same tour that I've seen live. Fun!2(8) My gf has given me tickets for The Phantom of The Opera for New Year's, and she's going with me even though the phantom is a narcissist and he pisses her off. That's love, definitely ?3No Reasons4(6) Feeling cozy, lazy and a little bit sad.5No Reasons6(5) Time to find some time for myself again. Meditation, reading up on psychology, all that. Monday studies start again, this is the perfect time.7(8) Badminton with both my friends. A 2 hour cardio plus a ton of fun. An experience to repeat regularly! Last day of vacation today, welcoming the routine but not the getting up at 6, nope :)
8No Reasons9(7) Been having nightmares; I asked my subconscious: what are you trying to tell me? A vague idea popped right into my mind: too many memories, my Guide is worried I might fall into old self-desrtuctive
(6) I've been feeling inadequate lately. Like, I should be more motivated and upbeat because my current situation is so good. Maybe it's just the contrast with previous time without meds?
10(4) As I explore my inner landscape and go deeper and deper I always hit the same wall: the masks that I wear, that I have to wear because of the innermost belief that I am defective at my core11(7) Got snowboarding pants today. Hard to find my size and I'm not even that fat ? where's the justice in that? I need sport more than skinny people! ? I still kinda love myself. Well done, me.12No Reasons13(8) Guess who won a badminton match today? Moi. I also retaped the handle on my racket. I'm 34 and I still get to have firsts. My friend had to put her dog down. My brother is celebrating a 2 year14(5) I really don't want to go anywhere right now. Hope it'll be fun once I'm there and outdoors. I'm sort of tired. Emotionally rather than physically.
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(6) Well, snowboard is not my thing, I don't like being attached so definitely to anything ? will try skiing today. Gotta find something to do here.18(5) Boy, do I suck at winter sports ? disappointed, or rather, scared of being disappointing. Overall mood is better, though. Gotta do some balance training.
(7) Swimming always makes me feel good. At ease, relaxed but strong. One thing that comes naturally to me. I wish I could try kayaking right now instead of skiing. First World problem right there ?
(6) When I look back on what my life was like a year ago I see I really don't have to be upset about anything. Everything I wanted to happen, happened. I need to work on the fear of losing it all now.sigh
(8) Final note: I've been writing in the last 3 days. It's a new approach, and it's so freeing. I've finally managed to get the expectations' weight of my shoulders. It feels amazing.
19(9) Yes, I go like mountain skiing!!! I can even turn left already. Not right, though, I usually fall over when I turn right ? still, not bad for one day.20(9) I've started to sort of understanding skiing this morning, it it's amazing! The little discoveries one makes when trying something new. For example, skiers look like jerks, because those shoes are a21(8) Did a lot of nothing today ((c) my Scottish exchange mom). Got 5 new songs for my guitar repertoire. Watched 'Amy' with I. Life is good.
22(5) Gained better understanding of my mood patterns, how long they last, how often they happen, etc. Don't know what I'm going to do with the information, but there it is.23(5) I had to enforce a boundary today. Boy, did it feel awful! I'm codependent to the extent where it didn't even occur to me to say out loud I'm uncomfortable with something for most of my life.24No Reasons25No Reasons26(7)
(4) UPD for yesterday, I was feeling really flat.
(8) I wore a Rick and Morty T-shirt today, no reaction from my class whatsoever. On the way home past a school a group of teenagers complimented me though ? am I infantile or just plain cool? ?
27(8) Badminton today. Got an extremely painful cramp in my right arm and had to change the style of my game. That was what led to victory against a stronger opponent. There's a lesson in there somewhere :)28(4) I wasn't the golden child, I've always been the scapegoat, I've just been too brainwashed to see it. Stupid me. Hurt and shocked. I need to learn to start and finish things only for myself.
29(4) More self-deceit: to this day I find it hard to believe what my ex husband did was abuse. But it was. Emotional, yes. I don't know if he realized it. Frankly, I shouldn't care. Will do my best.30No Reasons31(6) My borderline friend's behavior seems to be getting better at a crazy peace. He doesn't even have an official diagnosis yet, but has been reading up and has obviously gained some insight into his
(3) 'Better agression than depression', the 17-year-old-me used to say. I was so smart, I need to fully feel that anger so much. I'm angry with my mother and everyone who said the same things she did to
February
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2No Reasons3(4) A video called 'Six painful Issues of Adult Children of Narcissists' has sent me into a panic attack. Being a blind idiot is no fun. On the bright side, I've walked 10000 steps to relieve my anxiety.4(5) Done a lot of thinking and feeling. It's good to have a direction for growth again.
5(6) Felt the depressive kind of tired yesterday, physical but for no reason. Went for a walk. Cooked a nice meal. Was irritable but held it together. Thus a six.6(10) Cleaned the kitchen, did some shopping AND! Tried painting for the first time ever. Oil and everything. It's amazing. I can't even draw, I suck so bad but I don't care. Hypomanic? Loving it anyway.7No Reasons8(10) However I feel during the day, if I paint at the end of it, I feel like a ten. This reminds me of how I felt about writing when I was a teen. This feeling is the best one I've ever experienced. Quotin9(9) I've tried paining 'Wound Medals', it's the kind of medal soldiers get for not being heroic or going beyond the call of duty, just for getting wounded in action (so I gather). It seemed a cool concept
(6) Gotta update for today as well. Dunno what to write. I gotta play some guitar before my fingers go all tender again. Been having dreams about my ex husband. Guilt stabs. Anxiety. Otherwise OK.
10No Reasons11No Reasons
12(5) Falling behind again.
(4) Yesterday sucked. I have to let go of the illusion that my love, support and reserve can charge anything for anyone. Cathartic thought.
(6) Letting go, tears, wine, Muse and painting. Perfect.
13No Reasons14(5) Being upset made me paint something pretty for a change ?
(9) Feeling great and planning to keep it that way. And, hey, pandas, I love you all, and wish you a nice evening however you feel about today ???
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(8) I keep forgetting to update, darn :) all is well, to the extent that it can be well right now. Learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself not to be perfect. Feels pretty good.
(8) Great Afro dance session with live drums. Headache got in the way of feeling ecstatic, but it was good. A little cardio, a little meditation never hurt.
18(5) Telling my body I'm sorry for having been so unappreciative all these years. Demanding perfection, and never appreciating it's strength, resilience and it being such a fast learner. I don't have
(10) Wow, my body sure likes being treated nice, I've played badminton for 2 hours and I was in the zone! Won both matches, it's like everything was just happening on its own. Feeling good now, but tired.
19No Reasons20No Reasons21(9) Yesterday was so much fun I didn't update ? discovered Elliot Roger (a mass murderer) and the fact he'd left behind a book about his life and a vlog. That's like a psychologist's wet dream. Got22No Reasons23(6) Nice quiet day yesterday, except for realizing the amount of paperwork that needs to be done in order for me to stay in Germany. Painted ' Entitlement'24(6) The grieving process has taken me so deep into the past I've suddenly remembered the desire for cutting I used to have. God, how could anyone have ever thought I was OK? I was an abandoned child all25No Reasons
26(8) Took a train to visit my sis and her family. The sun is finally out but it's cold af. Mood is good though.27(10) In the last 24 hours I've made a wolf's head out of paper mache, played table tennis and pool, co-drew a picture with nephew and had a figure skating lesson. My sis' family is awesome.28(7) Figure skating lessons are going great, the coach is amazing, and I'm really getting the hang of it. Not doing anything complex yet, I'm a beginner, but it's so much fun!
March
MTWTFSS
   1(6) I so don't miss the drama of home. Thinking a lot of how I've always been drawn to toxic or unstable people. I need to change a lot about myself. Maybe then I'll meet someone who is comfortable with2No Reasons3(5) I was going to try skiing ( not mountain, the other kind), but feel ill with a stomach bug. It hurts so much, and it's been over 24 hours now. No skating today, either. This sux, I hope I'll be OK to4(8) Back home. Migraine after a long night of taking and drinking with sis. It was worth it ?
5(9) Home. Watched The Revenant and painted. I've discovered Elliot Rodger, a spree killer who left behind an autobiography and a YouTube channel. So interesting to dive into such a sick mind. The amount6No Reasons7(6) Things are as usual at home. Painting and waiting for the new course to start.8No Reasons9(7) Got new shoes yesterday and talked to a friend I haven't spoken to in ages. The connection is as strong as ever. He is doing good now, and I'm very happy. We chatted till very late though.10No Reasons11(4) Was very low yesterday. Everyone around here seemed to be. Couldn't even play badminton properly. Crying together with I. was kinda sweet though :)
(7) Flew on a lil Cessna today, that was great fun :)
12(6) Last day of not waking up early. Glad to be going back to the German course, though!13No Reasons14(7) course is great! We've got a Phillipinian transgender, and I've made them feel at ease right away. I like myself for that. I love people, and I think they all deserve to feel good while being15(8) Enjoying some alone time at home :) if I don't get that I become Irritatable, and since I have to wake up early I can't do that right before sleep, I just don't have the time. Ahhh solitude.16(9) If anyone wants to see my ' paintings', find me on instagram, abstracttherapy :)17No Reasons18(7) Got hurt by a friend, decided not to get into a fight, just went and painted my feelings instead. It was amazing, got all the crazy overreaction out of my system. I love art therapy.
19(4) I don't like a lot of negativity. I really don't. I love people. I want to understand them. I don't like being around judgemental ones, though.20No Reasons21(6) Been sick these past two days. Stomachache and just couldn't stop sleeping. Missing German class today :( It's so much fun, I hate missing it. Feeling a bit tired but better now.22(5) Extremely irritated by constant negativity of a friend. He probably doesn't mean anything by it. Or maybe he does, because words do mean something, especially when they keep coming.23(6) Been physically and mentally sick all day. Painted, failed, started over and upon completion suddenly felt OK. It's friggin magic!24(6) Yay, Easter holidays are here! Looking forward to all the sleeping in ?25(5) Tough conversation, sad thoughts in the night. There is a person who's always there for me, though. Me. I create my own sanctuary, I pick me up and find something cool to do together with myself :)
26No Reasons27(7) Tried repeating a painting yesterday. It's probably a good exercise. It came out good, plus this time it's got a better background. Have a big emotion to art therapise tonight. Looking forward to it.28(5) Feeling kinda bleh today. Love the sound of rain, though, and the general melancholy of the weather. Watching 'Gone Girl', so far I like it a lot.29No Reasons30(8) Long walk and reading in bed afterwards. Nice day off :)31(5) I must say, having emotionally disregulated people around is hard. Takes a toll.
April
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(2) This will be for yesterday. Had to call the police and ambulance for my friend who was menacing to kill himself. Will have to change living arrangements now. I'm so tired.
(8) This is for the day before. Everything was just wonderful. Hanging out, painting, enjoying life and the holidays.
(5) Feeling better
5No Reasons6(6) After feeling completely deflated yesterday woke up with a bit of energy. Good.7(5) I've gone into no desires mode.It's a defence mechanism, I know.And it's unnecessary.I'm grown up now, I can defend myself.I have no idea how to turn it off, though.Don't want anything from anyone Ugh8No Reasons
9No Reasons10(5) After feeling empty and melancholic for a few days I got better little by little. Effin migraines are killing me, though. Could it be because I'm not drinking these days? :D
(9) On my way to the cours today I suddenly had this very clear memory of how it felt when I was most in love. It was so vivid I actually felt in love in that moment. Not with that person (hell, no)
11No Reasons12(9) Yesterday was quite idyllic. Studied German, then bought a skirt (feels like summer is on its way), painted a something, went to bed early.13(7) Another nice day yesterday, except for being a little ill. It seems I'm OK now. Went afro dancing, then had an early night. Life is good when everyone's taking their meds hehehe14No Reasons15(7) Yesterday: a long walk, painting (tried to repeat a previous painting so I can give it to my mom. Good exercise, but will have to try again), grocery shopping. That wore me out, since I'm still sick.
(8) Going to Munich today with gf, she has to study there for 4 days. Today we'll go see Paul Klee's exhibition and just walk around the city. I'll take the train home in the evening.
16No Reasons17(8) Sunday in Munich was great! Health is getting better, too (antibiotics working), and I've found an anti allergy drug that works. Still exhausted, though. Studying.18No Reasons19No Reasons20(6) So tired this week. TGIF. Will do some shopping today and then just chill at home. It sorely needs cleaning, but I'll leave that for tomorrow.21(8) Plan for today: vacuuming, badminton, painting. Looking forward to this day. I'm so grateful for meds and the progress those around me and I are making. To think, it's all happened in a year.22(7) Nightmares all night. Been a while, I wonder why now. Will need to think about that. Badminton court was closed yesterday, hope it's open today. Really want to go for a walk today.
23No Reasons24(7) My gf has offered to marry me so I can stay here and have the right to work, insurance etc. Our relationship is still quite new, but she is a very good and caring person. I admire her bravery in this,25(5) Summer is flashbacky. Abuse in the south of France will do that to you. Conversing with inner parent is helpful and very pleasant. Can't wait to be alone to continue.26No Reasons27(7) If you want to heal, you need to process your emotions. ALL of your emotions. You don't get to pick the ones you feel comfortable processing. That's Richard Grannon. Not an accurate quote.28No Reasons29(9) I'm in Denmark! It's lovely though it's cold and grey. Something about this place makes me feel all tingly :)
30(7) Tomorrow is a big day, and there's a long drive home included. I feel great here, somehow Denmark stirrs up many associations from childhood. Feeling peaceful and happy.
May
MTWTFSS
 1No Reasons2(10) Just got back home after a very very long day. This wedding was very different from my first one. No conflict, no stress, just a little bit of nerves while the official was giving her speech.3(7) I used to think one day I'd change something about my life and everything would be wonderful. Now I think it'll be what I make it. Guess I've grown up :)4(6) Just got back and on the road again. Going to see my sister, and mom will be there. They say when we stay with our family we go back into a kind of childlike state. If the family is toxic, our5(10) I'm doing good, ignoring my family members' irritation and fatigue, having a blast. Woke up in the greatest of moods tbh. And we're barbequing today, German style: there's a thingy for preheating the6(5) My nephew's started painting in the wrong room and got yelled at. I felt so bad for his rare inspiration being cut down. On the other hand, he told me openly ( and with a familiar smirk I've come to
7No Reasons8(5) Still worried and anxious about my nephew. Had a great time with mom, though. Hope it lasts. Came home to old craziness. I. is my ray of sunshine.9(5) Feels like something's shifted in mom's worldview. I do believe people can change a little. I've also changed. We had such a great time, I'm even a little sad now.10(7) Had one busy day and one to rest, now driving to I's mom's birthday party. Tired, just wish to get enough sleep and some alone time. Mood very good these days, though.11No Reasons12No Reasons13(7) I was right about my friend being borderline. He's just got the test results. My first diagnosis haha ? I made it when we were just chatting online, not hanging out together yet. Hope meds help
(7) Finally home with nothing much to do. Listened to podcasts about yoga therapy and D'n'D therapy. Painted a weird something that made me feel better ( concerning the current flashback). Life is good.
(8) Finally home with nothing much to do. Listened to podcasts about yoga therapy and D'n'D therapy. Painted a weird something that made me feel better ( concerning the current flashback). Life is good.
14(7) One more unsuccessful attempt to paint a feeling that's been coming up from time to time and causing pain. Maybe I'll succeed when I finally work through it. And painting is fun whatever the result.15(6) Tired, a bit ill, hypochondria. Will do an early night tonight.16No Reasons17(5) One of those dreams where someone tells you something you've always wanted to hear, and it's just a dream but it makes you feel stuff for them. Thank you, subconscious!18(6) Art has moved from movies to series' and documentaries. I'm hooked on the newer ones big time. Amy, A Woman Scorned (Amanda Knox), Holy Hell, Lady Valor, Van Gogh Painted with Words, War Photographer.19No Reasons20(5) Went a little more depressive yesterday, painted, felt better. It's good to be able to realize that you're sad because of your condition, and not blame the outside world.
21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24(4) Still in a bad phase. Went to a concert today, really wanted to impress someone. That's not good. Talked to I. about visiting Moscow, the mere thought made me cry. I feel like so much more of a real25(5) Yesterday was slightly better. Just waiting for this to pass. Dancing helps!26No Reasons27(5) Need to remember: depression is the time when self care is extra important. Not the time to put myself down even more. I'll feel better after a meds adjustment and some me time.
28(5) Badminton today was helpful with mood, but it's still sort of dull. Will go to bed soon, because tomorrow we're driving to a different town for my German exam. Wish me luck!29No Reasons30No Reasons31(6) Exam in a small mountain town of Schwabish Hall. Gorgeous views. A walk and swimming pool as I wad waiting for the result. The pool is huge! I loved it. And I passed, with 96 out of 100.
June
MTWTFSS
    1(5) Decided to take a small fast quetiapine to compensate for the dosage of regular one. I think I've got body dysmorphia. It explains pretty much everything that's bothering me. I don't like it, I don't2(8) Rock im Park tomorrow! Apparently it's a part of the biggest rock festival in Germany. Muse and Shinedown, wow I'd never thought I'd see the latter live. They don't come to error Europe a lot I think.3No Reasons
4No Reasons5No Reasons6(10) OK, so, Rock im Park. We've witnessed a small miracle. But let me start at the beginning. It's impossible to park. The parking lot is miles away from the actual Park. It's hot. It's very crowded.7No Reasons8(5) Right after Rock im Park I had to leave on a small vacation in Saxonia with I. We got there pretty late, got lost in very scenic places, and went for a night walk around the town. I was feeling tired
(6) Next day we'd gone to see the famous rocks with the remains of a XIII century castle on them. It was beautiful :) The day felt like it was filled with all sorts of emotions and impressions, so much so
9(5) A walk in Dresden completed our little trip, it was nice though I was too tired to really enjoy it.10(7) Woke up regretting waking up. Had a little talk with A. whose depression is getting hard to live with. Painted two thingies. Feel much better now.
11(6) Feeling like my head is above the water again. Going back to German course tomorrow, I'll prob be far behind. It's OK though. Waking up early is the worst for me.12(5) Ton of compliments on German. Teacher says most compact course is too slow for me. Wish my ' genius' got me some money or something. Good to see other students, though. I. gave me a book on Bipolar.13(7) I have no habit of listening to myself to find out what I want in the moment. No wonder I get depressed and want nothing at all from time to time. One more lesson for me. I'm so happy to have insight14(8) Talked to I. till 2 in the morning last night ? it was great. Very uplifting. I'm a lucky girl, even though she is pmsing right now and doesn't know how brilliant she is. Watching football.15No Reasons16(8) Great match for Portugal and Spain last night. I. was laughing about having a wife watching football. Now she can complain about me at work just like all her collegues about their husbands ?
(5) Noticed a drop in mood in the evenings. It sometimes goes away if I hang out with Inga and we are having fun. I used to be more of a morning depression person. I wonder why. Could it be I'm not
17No Reasons
18(6) Yesterday: watched football, cleaned the apartment a little, slept like a baby. Good day.
(6) One of the cats has diarrhea. Unfortunately, it's the fluffiest one. I've never trimmed anyone's anus area before. Feeling kind of close to him now. Painted an interesting something.
19No Reasons20(7) Little splotches of hypimania here and there, but woken up thanks to it. Learning to sing a new song, thinking a lot. Glad to be better.21No Reasons22(7) Feeling glad about small things. Tired though. Seeing a German psychiatrist for the first time today.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26(6) The new dose of Quetiapine is making life better. Not great yet, but I'm not depressed, yay!
(6) When I'd first got my diagnosis and some meds (finally at the age of 34), it felt like I was starting life anew. I was very happy for a while, even though I was having a bunch of scary realizations.
27(6) If I'm not the manic fun, jovial, weirdly charming person, and I'm not the depressed, unmotivated hermit, who am I? What will I be if I ever get my meds right? Maybe I can create a new me. Go back to28(5) Every tragic story I read or see there's a similarity. Just before committing suicide ( or murder suicide) the person went off their meds. Because they were feeling better. Because of the meds.29No Reasons30(7) There was no football yesterday, so I painted. Rested after German course, cooked, then had a night of emotional conversations. Had too much wine, frankly :) hope I didn't shock anyone. Mind working.
July
MTWTFSS
      1(6) Was super depressed, but watching football and talking to a Panda helped. Housework stuff, changed guitar strings, they are fantastic, the new ones.
(5) I enjoy football casually, just world and european cups. That makes for 2 weeks of football per year. I skipped a few years after Ivan's death, because it was his thing. Now I'm ready to enjoy again.
2(7) Had a lovely bike ride with Inga, relaxed and unsporty, about 25km (judging from the map) surrounded by trees and creeks. We stopped to see a place where bats and deer live and fed the deer some grass
(4) Today sucked. Couldn't get back to normal after last night's shock. He's apologizing, but he always does. I don't believe it anymore. Tomorrow he might get some meds, we'll see what happens. Tired.
3No Reasons4(5) Channeled some of my anger in a painting. Still pissed. I wouldn't be, but when I said I was still not over that evening, my friend said: 'But I'M upset'. So typical, thinks he's the only one who's
(6) Gotta stop wasting my time thinking about things I can't change. Some people just suck sometimes. I'll be OK. My responsibility is my feelings, my integrity and handling my Bipolar disorder.
5(6) Today German lesson, bought the present for teach from all of us (he's lovely), next African dancing and some play. Ugh. I'm tired already.
(3) Alrightie, I've said that I'm too tired for too much stuff and I don't want to go see a play, to which I. got upset, said I never want to do anything and I only think about myself. A bit of an
6No Reasons7No Reasons8(6) Will have to post a bit for the last 2 days. Everyone in the German course liked my idea for the gift for our teacher. I took care of collecting the money and buying it and giving it to him. It was
(5) Mood got better yesterday when someone wanted to buy my painting. She is too broke, though. Dunno why she asked ? still bothered by the two last conflicts at home. I feel I didn't deserve either.
(8) Guess who's feeling froggy. We've made a window net for my cat with A., then I helped change the exhaust on his motorbike, then we all went to the lake and swam right across it. And back. Feeling good
9(7) Quietv day today, enjoyed some alone time and practiced mindfulness and being in the now. Tomorrow is the last day of A2 German. I've passed the simulated exam top of the class. Actual numero uno. Yay10No Reasons11(7) Last day of ' school' was good. Ran some errands after, watched football, saved I's back with a massage. Nice day.
(7) Connected to my protector that I call Superbitch. Asked her to shut up about the way I look for a while. That actually worked, she's being quiet ( though skeptical). Pretty amazing.
12No Reasons13(7) Yesterday: picked some veggies at a self - serve place ( what are those called in English?), did grocery shopping, then dance class and dinner with all the dancers. Had my first casual convo in German14No Reasons15(9) New tires for my bike, and tweaked the brakes, all done by A. with me just helping by bringing tools and screwing things on. We've fixed the tire on his bike, too, so hopefully tomorrow we can all go
(9) Ever since I'd asked my protector Superbitch to be quiet about the way I look ( working on body dysmorphia here), I've been feeling so good about being in my body, it's almost weird. I appreciate the
(5) Football, more bike fixing and a ride today. Exercise really helps. Feeling good about myself turned out to be a trap, though. It's made me look in the mirror more and hope to see hot. I'm not right
16No Reasons17(7) Yesterday was nice. Some real human convo with I., trying to fix stuff around the house, helping A. a little bit with research on his liver problem. That boy's gotta start eating healthy.
(5) Today was lovely, really, I cooked, I was in a great mood, I made progress in African dance class, but now my blood pressure is through the roof. Might be Quetiapine. What if I have to give it up?
18(6) Quiet day, sticking to my new exercise plan, a bit of cleaning, maybe a bike ride later. Or a movie. Trying not to think about my bp.19No Reasons20(7) Feeling more motivated to do stuff, including that which I don't like, cooking for example :) working on the body dysmorphia. Looking for reasons to appreciate my body, so every time I criticize it
(6) I look for a skirt hanger in my closet. I'm sure there must be one. Then I realize, it is probably in my previous home. I feel a pang of pain. I wonder how the man is I'd left behind is doing.
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