6.3 avg
  206 days
  1223 hugs
  51 followers
March
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons
6No Reasons7(4) 8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons
13(6) 14(4) 15(7) Ready to face the day, this new medication is the best thing ever :)16(6) Having the will to get up, to do things I have to do without feeling tired and bored. New meds are positively wonderful. Time to work through my problems, and make some changes in my life.
(8) Creativity through the roof, looks like writing first thing is my thing! Gotta remember that...
17(6) Mood is OK. Concert tonight, looking forward to it.18(4) Arguments on an anniversary are never a good thing. Making changes when feeling fragile is hard as hell. Trying to feel better.
(6) Quiet family night. Barely any talking involved, love it. Feeling better.
19(4) Even in my dreams people disappoint me. Something wrong with my standards? Feeling a bit irritated, didn't sleep well.
(4) Scared my life is about to change, scared it might stay the same. Basically scared shitless either way. Hanging on, mostly.
20(6) Slept well, feeling ready to finish my short story.
(4) Just sad. I guess that happens with medication, too.
21(4) Getting things off my chest would have a calming effect, were I not so worried about hurting others in the process.
(3) Feeling of hopelessness and apart-ness (not a word, I know) is back. Hate the bitch.
22(5) Slept till noon, feeling much better now.23(5) I am being treated, and I wish other ill people in my life got treatment. But they are not ready. I should be more patient with them now, but I'm not. I wish for once they would listen to me.24(5) Hanging on in there pretty well, all things considered. The habit of giving up is strong, but... this time I'll just go have some sleep instead! #Fdepression :)25(6) Nice evening talking to friends. Did good keeping everyone in the positive zone. Proud and happy :)26(5) Forgot my morning update, so doing it now, I was doing ok
(4) Party tonight, ate late so didn't take my meds on time... Can feel the darkness coming back already. Hello, darkness, my old friend (c)
(6) Quiet Sunday, decent pizza and a movie from childhood. Feeling good.
27(5) 28(6) I think I missed my update last night. Time alone did me some good, for sure!
(6) Feeling good, ready to face the challenges of the day, small as they may be.
29(6) Slept 9 hours and could have slept on. But now I'm awake and feeling ok. Was that the meds, I wonder?30(6) Starting to make lists for my upcoming trip to Germany. Feeling good.31(5) Trying to be helpful, but not let loved ones' problems get to me is a challenge. Doing OK so far.
(5) Disappointed. I was hoping for some happiness but I'll have to make it for myself, alone. This is gonna be a learning experience AGAIN. Woot!
April
MTWTFSS
     1(5) Struggling with weight (as usual), but somehow less stressed about it.2(4) When I was young, I loved getting away, travelling, change. Now every time I leave home I feel so sad. Once I get on that train I'll feel better, though :)
(5) Calmed down. Realized I hadn't even started with my suitcase, and I've got things to buy before leaving... and it' Sunday, so everything's closed. Ah well :)
(6) Actually managed to close the suitcase! Impressed with myself.
3No Reasons4(8) Updating for yesterday morning: had a wonderful trip on the train with music in my ears :)
(6) Evening was great as well :)
(7) What a day :) Oh, my!
5No Reasons6(6) April 5th morning update
(8) April 5th night update
(5) A lot of old memories surfaced last night, so I woke up feeling pretty bad; better now, though. Some things we have to work through even if it hurts.
7No Reasons8(6) For this morning. Feeling great :)
(8) Amazing day. Walking around a new town, then thermal spa with wonderful people. Nothing but joy today.
9(7) Great night
(8) Updating for last morning. Happy to be alive!
(9) Did a singing jam in a hallway, completely spontaneous, felt like a dream. I usually get too nervous about singing in public. Wow!
(8) Woke up happy to be alive. I can't even remember the last time I felt this way. So many years wasted. Treat your depressions, people! Love you all, pandas <3
10No Reasons11(5) At my sister's now, feeling a little lonely, 'cause I don't have my peeps with me anymore... Staying afloat, though.12(5) Slept a bit too much; still a little anxious about upcoming conversations about my future, otherwise doing OK13(5) I miss my babe. I guess I'll have to come out at some point. Don't have the guts yet. Ugh.
(5) Good morning, Pandas (or whatever it is for you all). I'm ok, looking forward to some toy shopping with the older nephew :)
14(6) Had an ice skating lesson today, my sister's idea. I was the worst, as usual, so I was sort of ashamed at the beginning. But it was great fun :)
(6) Forgot to update this morning. My mood fluctuates a lot so I think updating twice a day is my best option. Well, I was feeling quite happy (but sleepy)
(6) Nothing like getting under a warm blankie in a cold room. Except sleeping under the stars, of course. But I'm really diggin' the German climate :)
15(7) Preparing myself for a serious talk with my dear sister. Feeling quite froggy and hopeful, actually :)16No Reasons
17(7) I was unable to log on to moodpanda for 24 hours. I wonder why. Anyway, i'm doing OK, played some badminton with my nephews today and went to see an opera. Lovely day.18(5) Getting ready to leave my sister's and go back home. Feeling a little anxious, not about the trip but rather about my depression when I get back. There is a big chance of that happening. Will hang on.
(6) Back home. Complete mess here, but I'm a but messy myself, so I can handle it. I imagine someone else in my place though... heh heh. Right now I'm going to relax and vape. A little tired.
19(6) Irritated by my current situation, but it's not going to last forever. Hanging on!20(6) Broke my phone. So glad not to be addicted to those things. I need to get a new one though, so I can call places.21(9) Made the first small step towards my new life. Very excited, very nervous, on the verge of hypomania. I do go hypomanic when scared shitless, but this time, perhaps, escapism is not the answer.22(5) Feeling a little sad this morning, like we often do after a big day. Will stay in and get my papers in order, do some housework, listen to some music.23(5) Fist half of the day (before quetiapine) is a bit anxious and apathic, then I take it and things get better pretty quick. Still on the minimal dose. We'll see in 3 weeks if I should go higher.
24(6) Still waiting for my new phone. Kinda nice to be without one for a little while, but there are important calls to be made, too.25(8) Reading and watching stuff on psychoanalysis, totally fascinated by its history and recent discoveries. I think I may have found my true passion.26(7) Looking forward to a few hours alone, will play the guitar and sing my head off :)27(7) Feeling much better. Wishing a calm lovely evening to all the Pandas. Friday is coming :)28(5) I think today might be the day to say what I have to say. Wish me luck :)29(5) Feeling meh about the weekend. With some people it's just no fun.30(4) I hate people with mood swings. LOL
May
MTWTFSS
1(5) My body seems to have decided not to loose weight at this point. It's probably just reacting to my thoughts and getting ready for an unstable period. Dammit.2(5) I manage to acknowledge my ups and down, I'm being a total beautiful mind atm, but what do I do if a loved one refuses to see they are absolutely mental? Irritated.3No Reasons4(5) Well, it's in motion, I'm about to get a divorce. Can't share it with a lot of people, because they are mutual friends, and hub is not ready to talk about the reason behind it all.
(6) I can't come out on FB, because mom's friends are there and she is not ready to speak the truth, either. I'll only say it here, to the Pandas. I'm gay. And I'm grateful I can tell YOU guys everything.
5(6) Finally wrote to my sis about what's going on in my life, no answer so far, so I'm just gonna take care of the money and phone problems, and lee what happens later on.
(6) Good new phone. It's pretty, it's functional , I'm happy with it.
6(6) Feeling fat, but otherwise quite OK, actually7(5) Demanding attention is one of the least attractive human qualities, so I chose to be interesting. 20 years later I don't even remember that feeling of constant dissatisfaction.
(6) Still waiting on a response from my sis, while working around the clock on calming my mom down. One day it will all be a distant memory. Gotta remember that.
8(3) Some people suck.
(5) Out of meds, and it's a holiday. Gotta find an open pharmacy, it's not the best time to be off meds right now.
(4) Every person thinks they are uniquely hurt. Come on, this really is something humanity should not be divided over, right? We all suffer in our lifetime.
9(6) My sister answered, she is a treasure. Will concentrate on that today :) very glad and relieved.10(6) Finally managed to get up at an acceptable hour, thanks to a call from my bestie. Feeling sleepy but OK.11(8) Realizations and discoveries keep coming to me, so I feel like I am on the right path for the first time in my life. I have discovered emotional abuse in my life, and learned about the narcissistic)>12(4) Feeling anxious and somewhat disappointed at finding abusive tendencies in my life yet again. I will find a solution! I know that. But maybe today I'll just try and decompress.13(5) Telling a man who's loved you for about 17 years (hoping you'll come back one day) that you are gay, is hard... On the other hand, his personal life is his responsibility, is it not? Always has been.14(5) Letting myself be a little sad today. It's all right, I say to myself, this, too, will pass. Soon I'm outta here.
15(5) I need to start surrounding myself with reliable people. Mentally, emotionally stable, mature people.
(4) Feeling very destabilized, weakened and depressed. Hoping it's just a healing crisis. MoodPanda helps put things into perspective. Hanging on.
16(5) Psych studies going well. A tad sad, but seeing progress is a great boost. Stay strong, Pandas :)17(6) Lifehack from my nephew: if you're feeling down, start your day with a few pages from a good book. He sets his alarm clock for earlier for this sole purpose. I like it!18(6) Migraines are back, hopefully just as a sign of me trying to control something uncontrollable, and hopefully I can stop them again. Otherwise feeling quite nice and fuzzy.
(3) Recovered repressed memories, couldn't sleep till 9 am. Trying some self-care, maybe just a walk today.
19(5) Need to self-care and work on my PTSD now. Everything is complicated, but there is hope. Real, tangible hope for a new life, a new me. Understanding is a gift. Intellect is a gift. I'm so lucky.
(8) My book, on the other hand, is going great, so many ideas and themes, such lovely symmetry to it all, I feel like I'm really onto something of great value here. I get goosebumps! Wheeeee!
20(5) PTSD seriously in the way of my loosing weight and looking good. Will try working from the inside out. Self-care, movement, positive thoughts. We'll see what happens :)21(6) Well, what do you know, I am feeling better already :)
22(5) Spent a bad night with the flu, but at least the headache is gone, it's about time! Feeling tired but peaceful. Looking forward to a little walk.23(7) Cutting threads that tie me to loved ones' moods. Can't depend on those, I've got too many troubles as it is. Doesn't mean I won't help and support, I will, but claiming independence.
(5) Closer is Friday, more I feel uneasy. I guess that's quite normal before a visit to a divorce lawyer... Have to wait and see how it goes. Have to stay strong and positive.
24(5) Trying to distance myself from destructive people, to self-care and work on my CPTSD (I know what it's called now, yay!). Not feeling very cheerful atm.25(5) Waiting for stuff to happen is bad, but paperwork is worse. At least I managed to go to sleep at an appropriate time :)26No Reasons27(6) Nothing but good news on the upcoming divorce, yay! Tired of talking to people though, and of migraines. Sleepy. Love you all, Pandas.28(7) Migraine finally gone, but I don't want to go anywhere today. Will stay in, practice guitar and singing.
29(7) Ran a few important errands today, still got some for tomorrow. Enjoyed the sun and the music in my ears. Future ex pissed me off a little, but that's ok, I got my groove back :)30(6) Woke up in a decent mood, going to run some errands and get some sun while at it, then try and work on my diet plan. I know I can do this, I've done it before, dammit!31No Reasons
June
MTWTFSS
   1(6) Weird weather, touch of headache, too much of that going on lately! Planning a long walk if it doesn't start raining heavily. Otherwise peaceful.2(7) Feeling good except for the headaches, mentally very stable, doing self-care and breathing and listening to my feelings on a daily basis. Arythmia gone, blood pressure normalized. Wow!3No Reasons4(7) Hard week ahead, so today i'll be spoiling myself a little, and resting.
5(7) Feeling light, empty and calm both physically and mentally, like a clean empty room with a flower pot in it, and some sun and air coming through the open windows. Ahhh6(6) Last meeting with the lawyer before signing divorce papers went well. Nice day, no particular stress, maybe just little ones here and there, but not mine, really. So all good.7(7) Custom-made affirmations for weight loss are working, damn, I'm good! lol I have been dieting like a good girl and still gaining weight, so I said to myself: something's up here.8(7) Just like any city, Marseille is a mix of rudeness and willingness to help, of beauty and dirt. My trip was not a success, but not in vain. There's a lesson in there somewhere :)9No Reasons10(6) Mixed dreams today, very emotional. Let myself feel it all when I woke up. Cried, got it out of my system, now feeling good, not a trace of sadness. Huh!11(6) The root of most personality disorders seems to be the defragmentation of the self. Sometimes irreversible, but behaviors can still be modified for better quality of life and relationships. Good news!
12(7) Feeling pretty good, though sometimes worried about things to come. It's natural at this stage, probably. Managed to get back to my book. Yay!13(6) Having a bit of a meh day, maybe it's time to talk to a friend and help them with something. That always gets the integration juices flowing :)14(7) Happy to know my Bestie is doing better than I imagined. There is hope for a fast improvement in her life. That's important to me. I'm OK, too, though feeling extra lazy these days.15(7) More and more often I manage to get my real self out of its shell. It makes me so happy. It's so easy to please. I'd forgotten I'd ever been so cheerful :)16No Reasons17(6) Complicated night with a personality fragment. We had things to work out, but it was sort of cathartic. Feeling tired, though.18(6) Walking on, continuing on my journey. Still got a lot to figure out, but I'm on the move now, that's what matters.
19No Reasons20(7) Had a tolerable trip to Marseille, the worst city of the south of France (I kid you not). Avoided stress and people by booking a room for the night. That was a smart choice! Money well spent.21(5) Today even sad songs at the mall make me wanna cry. Is it PMS? Is it my bipolarity? Is it my thyroid? Jeez, life can be complicated LOL22(6) Feeling so emotional. I have to let myself feel it, that was the plan. Emotional is alive. But I have no idea how to rate myself today. I'm not sad, just... responsive I guess?23(4) Looks like the divorce lawyers have only just now noticed there was a paper missing. I instead of beginning of July I'll only be leaving at the end... Summer plans down the drain. Assholes.24No Reasons25(6) Forgot to update yesterday. It was ok, so is today, nothing of interest going on. Lawyer stuff fixed. Worked on editing mom's book. Had fun with her choosing photos and making notes.
26(5) One of those bleh days, it would seem. I'm only human, so sort of irritable and goal-less atm. It's OK, I'll change the guitar strings today, that oughta brighten things up... for the neighbors LOL27(6) Got my lazy ass to start excersizing again. Takeaway from yesterday's shopping trip: seems a bit of weight loss paired with inner centeredness (?)may cause tripping around you xD Be warned, Pandas!28(6) Lacking motivation, trying to stick to a good healthy routine and energize myself enough to do small but important stuff. I think I might be a little scared of all the changes that are coming.29(7) Tried finer strings for the guitar this time, my goodness, that does change things! Home alone, got some free time, will sing my head off. Need more stamina in mt left hand grrrr30(10) Gay marriage is now legal in Germany! I never really wanted to get married, but equality is a must! And, if it's the right girl... Why not pay less taxes together, just like straight couples do? YAY!
(7) An acquaintance might join the website, so I'm changing my name. Having iffy boundaries, I need to feel somewhat anonymous. But it's still me :)
July
MTWTFSS
     1(6) After all the moments of enlightenment looks like I might fall back into blankness. That will not do! I'll start with some journaling and see how that goes.2(7) Trying to find the balance between the idea and the truth for my book. Writing is not as easy as it looks! Sticking some sentences together is not enough, it's more like a million piece puzzle.
3(8) Been working on inner boundaries. Intruders in my bedroom is a recurring nightmare, but today I dreamt I'd moved my bed into the garden, and I love it and there is no fear about being in the open. Huh4(6) Dealt with a crisis sort of well. Sleep was so-so, but on the whole I did better than before. Might have been helpful even. Hoping for the best :)5(6) Going out for a farewell lunch and a stroll with ex mother-in-law before I move. I bet there will be tears. I'm weird, my divorce is weird, and I'm proud of that! LOL6(7) Outing with ex mom-in-law was great, a real connection, real conversation, real emotion. Just recieved my divorce papers this minute. Feeling a little anxious but quite strong.7(6) Forgot my meds yesterday, had a crisis. Was aware of the fact that it was not entirely me. Interesting. Better stick to the meds, though :)8(6) Finally some actual dates for my move and my divorce. Some nervousness. Some conflict here and there, some irritation. It is to be expected, I guess. Staying positive, keeping up loving the self.9(5) Time to get things done, and of course that's when more revelations come. The plan is to journal like a madwoman today, so tomorrow I can go do stuff in balance and peace.
10(5) Weird waves of pity for everyone for no particular reason that hit me regularly - could that be disguised self-pity, I wonder?11(6) Getting things done little by little, focusing on the good stuff, journaling to understand what's not sitting right with me. Overall OK :)12(5) Thyroid problems ruining my mood a bit, hoping for a quick solution. Nice quote for those who hate gossip: 'Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people'.
(9) While journaling through anxiety I've stumbled upon a huge revelation about myself, my family in general and my mom. I understand her so much better now, and I love her even more.
13(5) The Misplaced Pity fits figured out: it was about letting go of old abusive patterns. So, it's fear. Pain feels like home, it fits like an old sweater. Changing the very foundation of life is scary.14No Reasons15(5) Gotta feel the feelings, but how do you find the right words for them, if you've been disconnected from them all your life? Find a list of them online, and see what fits. Repeat 5 times daily.
(7) We're on the same journey, just in different locations. Finding your kind of person does not mean they will be exactly where you are, but that's all right. Letting go of an illusion is freeing up...
16(6) Getting in touch with feelings going well. Mornings are meh, evenings tend to be nice (typical for me). In-sleep revelations keep coming, suppressed memories being recovered. Accept and move on.
17(6) Feeling better overall. Enjoying chores and going places. Nature is always uplifting, even in the city. It is way too hot at the moment, though.18No Reasons19(7) Gotta feel your feelings, there's no way around it if you want therapy to work. Simple as that. They aren't gonna kill you, they are just emotions. Gotta be brave, gotta have real intent, that's it.20(5) Looks like I'm leaving in only six days. It seems so real now, I'm getting anxious. So much to do, so scary to just up and change my whole life yet again. It has to be done, though.21(8) Feeling a bit under the weather, but mood is great. Researching trauma bonding. Very interesting and important, brain pleasantly stimulated :)22(6) Feeling the effects of breaking a trauma bond. Mind looking frantically for a replacement, a similar bond. I won't act on it. 4 more days and I'm out of here, and I can start to heal. Stand and Fight.23(6) Feeling ill today, and worried about our fellow panda, and a little about my divorce tomorrow. Hanging on, though.
24(5) Went through everything I've accumulated in the last 5 years. Tired. Sad. A little hopeless. But then again, only thing I can change is myself, and I'm doing that. LIttle by little.25(7) It's when we let something or someone go that they suddenly show us a glimpse of their real self. It changes nothing by then. Being authentic takes balls, but there you have it.26No Reasons27(8) Here I am, in a new country, with new people and an entirely new plan for life. Feels crazy, but somehow not that scary :)
(6) Had a nice morning, now home alone, unpacking and figuring stuff out. Curious, sad, tired, confused, most of all relieved. Happy my cat took the trip well and is feeling good it would seem <3
28(9) Not a hint of anxiety. Feels weird! Whole body aching, though, I need to get enough sleep one of these days.29(10) Forgot my meds today, got hypomanic. Laughed a lot and showed my loved ones a real fun time bipolar style. That IS hard to beat xD I can't sleep till the meds kick in, and I'm exhausted. TGIF :)30(3) Very hurt. Protector wants to step in, I say 'no'. I am remaining myself, I would rather live it all than hide away while life passes by. Need for more deep work. I can handle it. I'm hungry for life
31(6) Very nice and very long walk around a lake, thunderstorm, working with a sub personality (so to speak). The Wild One's got herself an almost perfect playmate. Great exploration possibility.
(5) Finally some time for studies. A but uncertain about how to handle new relationships, but trying to HOPE I can figure them out. I'm used to being pessimisitc, though. I'll just handle myself for now.
August
MTWTFSS
 1(6) Loving a depressed person is painful. My turn to be on the recieving end, I guess. Ego is hurt that my love and care is not enough. It is a humbling and precious experience, though.2No Reasons3(10) More in love than I feel comfortable being. My emotions being so fully accepted feels exhilarating and a bit scary. Opening up is scary. Also, got the book and the shoes of my dreams. Happy AF ??
(8) Bloodwork, a bit of quiet and some housework today. It's raining, perfect time to be reading by an open window, and journaling a bit. Feeling good.
4(5) Feeling blah today. Could be something I haven't processed or just one of those days. I've had so many emotional experiences lately, no wonder mind is tired and blank. Needing some downtime.5No Reasons6(8) My first Pride today, GF had to go to work so we didn't stay long, but it was still fun. Great to see openly different people of all kinds, everyone smiling, happy and at ease. Fantastic!
7(8) Took a road trip yesterday, had no time to update so doing it now. Tiresome, but a great day.8(4) First partial lunar eclipse and sea sunset in my life. Ruined by provocative behaviour of a loved one. Why do they feel they need to do that? Angry and flashbacky though trying hard not to be.
(5) Ongoing family crap. Trying to process and move on. We're each responsible for our demons. Stand and fight.
9(10) 23000 steps in rough terrain today. Tired but feeling great. No time to read and comment other pandas, though ? hope you are well. big hugs to all of you, I love you guys and I'll be back soon ???10No Reasons11(6) Car museum, beach, a tower in the forest. Nice day, hoping for some rain now. A. is depressed still, very sad. Trying to be helpful. Gonna read a book on psychology to decompress. Hugs +love to pandas
(5)
12(6) Last day of vacation, walking around the port and city centre. Good mood, but needing some alone time, and craving intellectual stimulation. Tired of packing/unpacking by now :)13(6) Stuck in heavy traffic on the way home, can't wait to see my kitty, hope she was well taken care of. I've been worried about her, silly me.
14(5) Being yourself, being open with another human being is the greatest treasure of all, and the rarest, as most people don't see and hear you, but rather their own triggers, phobias and inner critics.15(5) Day at the lake. Swam across a couple times. Lifted my spirits immensely, but I am still in the depression phase. Meds make it a lot easier, but I feel no love except for Pandas right now. + tired.16No Reasons17(5) Grieving over another part of my life in order to let go. Realizing unprocessed grief was keeping me from opening up. Sadness lifting me up to a new level again. Thank you, sadness (c) Love1
(5) A bit low, needing more alone time; low energy, low motivation. More at ease in my body, and more mindful, though. Practicing it has not been in vain. I'm glad. Proud even.
18(4) Depressive phase definitely. Ashamed of having it right now, when I should be energetic and charming. Silly, right? Need self-care, to let myself be who I am, including bipolar.19No Reasons20(6) Yesterday was good, animal park, old Almodovar film, music.
21(8) Feeling awesomely great after a walk in the city and an amazing morning ??22No Reasons23(7) I miss Binky and Manda in here. Otherwise all good, gonna visit my sister for a week. Leaving tomorrow.24(5) Downside of having an exciting life and having lived in 5 different countries, with different people, pets, jobs, languages is that I seem to have left a large chunk of me behind every time...25(6) Updating for yesterday. Last train was full of loud foreigners, but the rest was nice. Couldn't sleep for a long time.
(4) Worried for no reason (probably). Had a lovely time at the lake, reading on the terrace to the sound of sprinklers, imagining it's raining. It's so nice. I'm anxious though.
26(7) Went to an amusement park, spent 7 hours there with sis and nephews. Fun! But hot and long queues. Mood good.27(6) Quiet Sunday. Guitar with nephew. Adults seem a bit out of sorts these days, including me, but really, I've seen SO MUCH worse. We'll be OK.
(10) I love swimming in lakes. I feel safe, because I can swim right to the middle, or across, and most amateur swimmers can't keep up and professionals are all training in pools. Plus, it's a...
28(4) I'm letting myself be open and real in a relationship for the first time in my conscious life, because it's only now, at the age of 34 I've learned about my defence mechanisms gone bonkers and...29No Reasons30(8) Updating for yesterday: walking around a new town, bought a cool jacket, was way too hot, though.
(10) Yesterday I also got a bag that's so cool I might sleep hugging it like it was a teddy bear. Today: guitar, writing, a walk, evening with family. Lovely text from gf. Entirely happy. ?
31(6) Sis said life had no meaning without kids or some great scientific, sport or art related achievement. It hurt because obviously I have none of those. A year ago that would have sent me into a rage...
September
MTWTFSS
    1(8) 2 voice and 2 guitars jam with my 7 year old nephew today was amazing :))
(8) This is gonna be long, guys. I've been raised by a narcissistic mother (not extremely, no), and made to feel that achievements were needed, and ones recognized by everyone. I've rebelled, I've made...
2No Reasons3(4) My words used against a good person whom I admire and almost love. Horrible situation for the people pleaser that I am. Plus, he didn't deserve any criticism in this situation. Sad and anxious.
(6) Packing. Feeling rather meh. I think I want some quiet time to write, study, read, think, be with like-minded people. And no more suitcases, please! Sounds about right for September :)
4(8) All ready to go home. Looking forward to seeing my peeps! Mood much better today. Have a good day, pandas!
(10) I do love the process of travel. Train stations, airports, watching the world go by through the window, imagining what life would be like here or there, and sometimes finding out. ??
5(10) Good quiet day, laundry, studies, evening with my peeps. Happy.6(5) Going to a quiz game (trivia night?), feeling really anxious, worse than before an exam. Silly me, huh! I hope memory won't fail me the way it does with this bipolar crap :'(7(10) Got French military boots on Facebook Market. It was fun going to a new little town around here, and meeting (briefly) a local larping girl. She'd added some details onto the boots, they are INSANE <3
(7) So little to tell when one's content. Thought: I should be more active with I., maybe. Not imposing myself has become a bad habit with me, I give people much space it might look like I want nothing.
8No Reasons9No Reasons10(7) I've been waking up very depressed lately, mornings are always the worst for me. Last night I've slept for 11 hours and now I'm all better though. Had a reboot?
(10) I wanted to complain about something here... but my GF is playing Beethoven's Moonlight right now, and f*** it, I'm in heaven :)))
11(5) I think I've got a phobia about oxygen deprivation. Turns out if someone jokingly doesn't let me breathe for a moment, I punch them in the face. A totally unconscious reaction. Effin hell! :(12(9) Hypomanic phase, woke up all bubbly, played the guitar for 2 hours, then cooked and cleaned. Feeling emotional, happy, sad, anxious, energetic, inspired. Alive.13(6) Blaming myself for sacrificing too much to a toxic relationship. Angry about having less emotions and energy for people who deserve it. Am I broken? Or do I just need time? I sure hope so.14(5) I didn't allow myself enough time to grieve for fear of upsetting loved ones, now losing hair & having other physical manifestations. First time I've made this connection. Interesting. Not to repeat!15No Reasons16(7) Finally got to seriously reading IFS books. It seems to be working, though I don't know how deep I'll be able to go on my own. Feeling better and grateful for it :)17(10) Went for a motorcycle ride for the fist time in my life. It was fantastic! The adrenaline, the cool air, the acceleration, everything about it is awesome. Even the danger. Will do it again for sure.
18(7) Passive-agressive behavior in the vicinity. It doesn't make me angry like it used to, I find I'm curious about what this person is trying to accomplish. What are they so scared to go for openly?19(6) Life is tough. Bad things do happen. There are cool things as well. I choose to enjoy while I can, and when it's time to grieve, I'll have to grieve. Is this called growing up?20No Reasons21(9) Changed hair color on a whim, not so blonde anymore. Looks good. Bought a t-shirt that says 'bad behavior, good stories'. Couldn't help myself. Getting ready to go get my new passport)>22(3) Little overreaction on my part today, little judgement gone my way, and all of a sudden I'm furious. Disgusted with myself, too, but mostly just raging.23No Reasons24(3) Back to the south of France. Gorgeous but triggering af: the sounds, the damp smell of the air, the Mediterranean architecture. Thinking of my crushed dreams, the gigantic impulse of the whole thing)
(10) Breathtakingly beautiful day at a small island. I do love this place to bits, I wish I'd gotten to appreciate it sooner. Right now I just want to proclaim my love and appreciation ???
25No Reasons26(8) Lately mornings have been surprisingly pleasant :)
(10) Another amazing day, driving on a winding road in the mountains with a view of the sea, rock climbing (a little), then meditation on the beach. Feeling love, inspiration, joy. Alive again.
27(10) I could be driving around northern Italy forever and be completely happy. It's glorious. Looking forward to a night in Switzerland and the drive home.28No Reasons29(9) Back home. Happy, inspired, tired. Will enjoy alone time and sleeping in. My cat has missed me a lot it seems. I really want to start writing again, and having fun while doing it.30(7) Back home. The journey was wonderful, and I got my new passport as well. Cleaning the apartment now, and hanging out with my cat. It's autumn here, beautiful and melancholic. Looking forward to a walk
October
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2(8) Forgot to update yesterday. Finished a short story that I'd started writing before moving. Otherwise the day was uneventful.3(8) Everyone around seems to be depressed to some extent at the moment. It's hard to stay positive and happy when loved ones are feeling low. I feel good when I'm alone, though. Is that good?4No Reasons5(10) Watched The Phantom of the Opera again, I haven't seen it in 2 years, and now that I've learned stuff about narcissism it was like a totally different story. Very clever, very insightful, very real.6No Reasons7(9) My 'Country guitar for beginners' has arrived today. Practiced till my fingers hurt. They haven't hurt in a while, because I practice for about 90 minutes every day. Also, I've had a lesson in )>>8(5) Disappointed in A. Excuses, weakness, self-pity and self-hatred and self-destruction are something I've lived, too, but it's too much and too often. I need a healthier space. I don't mean to be...
9No Reasons10(10) First day of learning German today. Had fun, enjoyed meeting people from: Romania, China, India, Philippines, USA, Australia, Greece, Italy and Spain. No anxiety whatsoever. Gotta love my meds!
(10) Personal growth is letting go of one thing after another, it seems. And feeling somehow richer for it, and more whole, more safe, and so lucky. Feeling calm, joyful and grateful.
11No Reasons12(5) In my dreams there is no narcissism, no passive aggression, no insincerity. When I see my family and my childhood home in a dream I wake up and I start crying for how happy we could have been, but...
(8) One for yesterday. Studies are going great, I'm happy with my results. I like the morning walk to the bus. I hate waking up before 9, though, it's unnatural, and no one will convince me otherwise. My)
13(5) Effects of trauma bonding have gotten to me today. I miss that what never was, I idealize that what made me unhappy, I feel very hurt & lonely. I should forgive myself. I'm only human. It'll pass.14No Reasons15(5) Still missing the bad old times, triggered by smallest things. Got myself a new sports bra and pants, though, and signed the contract with the afro dance teacher. Giving myself the luxury of grief.
(6) Regular reality checks help immensely with flashbacks, I don't know how I've lived without them all these years. I need to let go of control a little, though. Listen to some old Linkin Park. Yeah :)
16No Reasons17(8) Had a good day. Some alone time, long walk, hunt for a dancing skirt (unsuccessful), motorbike ride through the fields.
(9) Slept well, had a morning German lesson, then shopping, then 2 hours of singing and guitar practice. Pretty perfect day, only my concentration was no good in the morning.
18No Reasons19(8) Early wake ups and headaches are a bother, but I'm in a good mood. Just sleepy and lazy when I'm home, but I can forgive myself for that :)
(6) Tired, can't wait for the week end. Sad, the past still on my mind. Accept it, grieve for it, cry and let it go. It happened. Life is tough. I will move on when I'm ready. Longing for some excitement.
20No Reasons21(6) Realization. I've been feeling left out and unimportant through my whole childhood. Dad and stepdad disappearing, mom and gran consumed by their toxic relationship, sis going away and never calling.22(7) Spent the evening at a water park. Water cleanses and washes away bad memories, anxiety and even age, it seems. I was such a wise kid to love water before I could even pronounce the word correctly :)
23(10) Resolution: will write every day for at least 1 hour, no matter how busy I am. Will start with a month and then see what happens. Today was good, I really enjoyed it. Sweet sweet escape LOL24No Reasons25(10) Upd for yesterday. Studying German, top of the class. Writing going well. Letting my kinky side out for a spin. Overall amazeballs.
(7) Russian trivia night in the city. Had fun making and wearing Halloween costumes with my peeps. Forgot meds. Feeling poetically sad. Concentration not great, but otherwise content.
26No Reasons27(8) Suicide doesn't make the pain stop, it just passes it on to someone else. (c) Also, TGIF :)28No Reasons29(6) Upd for yesterday: another lovely day full of love and peace. Nasty flashback brought on by a friend's crazy behavior brings it down to 6, though.
(8) A 3-hour African dance workshop with live drums, very intense. People who invented those dances knew pain and knew to forget it for a while, and be free where it matters - in their minds. Cathartic.
30No Reasons31(5) Got a new hair dryer. Lovely dinner cooked by A. Football making me think of Ivan and how he took his own life. It's been over 6 years, but I'm still not over it. ???? I'll have to grieve here.
(5) I need to let myself remember. He had very dark brown eyes and beautiful eyebrows. He was hearing impaired, a great swimmer and a professional bowler. He knew sign language. He was a Leo. He was 27.
November
MTWTFSS
  1(5) He had this intent way of listening, maybe it's a hearing impaired people's thing, because they have to concentrate hard to understand. A funny way of talking, too, made him sound like a foreigner.
(9) Personal, non-grieving update: painted the new wall at the parking space, loved doing it and loved the smell and the colour of the paint or whatever it was. Halloween fun afterwards, again :)
(3) My best friend is having a very tough time, it looks like she is experiencing psychosis. You'd think I'd be able to say something helpful, being bipolar and all, but no. I'm worried sick.
2No Reasons3(5) Doctor, dance class, show at the Russian theatre. Still worried about my friend and her baby. Anxiety and sadness that I haven't experienced in a while. Hope all goes well tomorrow.
(5) Grief UPD. He could speak with his hands, maybe that's why his touch was so intense, like electricity. Maybe I'm falling to pieces because I've let myself remember? But I have to, to let go.
(5) Painted the garage, it's nice working outside, it was sunny and not too cold. My friend's had her baby today. Everyone is sort of tense, though, at home, I'm not too happy right now.
4(5) I might be in a depressive phase right now. It's so mild will meds that I'm not sure. In the mood for watching drama and drinking some wine. And that's what I'm gonna do :) it's Saturday, right? :)5(7) Immersive Russian theatre today. Last time we followed the revolutionary's line, today it's the dictator's.
6No Reasons7(7) Reading Pete Walker's Tao of Fully Feeling.
(9) Feeling much better now I've worked through some grief. I realize now I've gotten used to being in the green, but one must not blame oneself for feeling sad, or angry, or anxious. Lesson learned.
8No Reasons9No Reasons10(5) My Moscow neighbour died a few days ago. She was nice, and always hanging out with out family. Sad. The past seems to be dissolving fast, no more holding on to the illusion I could one day go back.
(7) UPD for yesterday. German course, then afro dancing. Fun but tired. Went to sleep way too late. Fun time with my friends' teenage son. He is a sweet kid, I love him a lot.
(9) UPD for day before yesterday. German lesson, then Russian trivia night. 6th place out of 24, not that bad. I like my life here. Or I should say I have some sort of a life here :)
11No Reasons12(6) Yesterday A went into a deep crisis. There is definitely something wrong, overreaction doesn't begin to cover it. Went to a local market and bought a wooden pendant that looks like a planet.
(6) Today was I's turn to go all depressed (she forgot to take her ADs). Two days in a row like this are hard. It snowed, though, and I went for an extra long walk, it was fantastic.
13(6) Mom guilt tripping me into coming 'home' for New Year's. I'm scared of going to Moscow, it always makes me feel torn. Guilt, regret, inspiration, love and loneliness are what I feel there. GRILL ha14No Reasons15(9) Yesterday: German, guitar, quiet night. All is well.16(7) Yesterday: a nap turned into a good day's sleep. Bought a bus pass all by myself, filled in the form and everything. In German. Proud :)17(5) As we were driving up to the town where we have the dance class, the landscape reminded me painfully of the outskirts of Moscow. It was dark, and all cities would look like that in the dark, probably,18No Reasons19(10) Great day, evening with wine a metal. Feeling tired but somehow refreshed, like I've been home for a while. Thinking about my childhood and trying to figure out what was what.
20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons