6.4 avg
  440 days
  2860 hugs
  91 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(9) Happy New Year everyone! Spent 2 hours of yesterday watching Muse's concert from the same tour that I've seen live. Fun!2(8) My gf has given me tickets for The Phantom of The Opera for New Year's, and she's going with me even though the phantom is a narcissist and he pisses her off. That's love, definitely ?3No Reasons4(6) Feeling cozy, lazy and a little bit sad.5No Reasons6(5) Time to find some time for myself again. Meditation, reading up on psychology, all that. Monday studies start again, this is the perfect time.7(8) Badminton with both my friends. A 2 hour cardio plus a ton of fun. An experience to repeat regularly! Last day of vacation today, welcoming the routine but not the getting up at 6, nope :)
8No Reasons9(7) Been having nightmares; I asked my subconscious: what are you trying to tell me? A vague idea popped right into my mind: too many memories, my Guide is worried I might fall into old self-desrtuctive
(6) I've been feeling inadequate lately. Like, I should be more motivated and upbeat because my current situation is so good. Maybe it's just the contrast with previous time without meds?
10(4) As I explore my inner landscape and go deeper and deper I always hit the same wall: the masks that I wear, that I have to wear because of the innermost belief that I am defective at my core11(7) Got snowboarding pants today. Hard to find my size and I'm not even that fat ? where's the justice in that? I need sport more than skinny people! ? I still kinda love myself. Well done, me.12No Reasons13(8) Guess who won a badminton match today? Moi. I also retaped the handle on my racket. I'm 34 and I still get to have firsts. My friend had to put her dog down. My brother is celebrating a 2 year14(5) I really don't want to go anywhere right now. Hope it'll be fun once I'm there and outdoors. I'm sort of tired. Emotionally rather than physically.
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(6) Well, snowboard is not my thing, I don't like being attached so definitely to anything ? will try skiing today. Gotta find something to do here.18(5) Boy, do I suck at winter sports ? disappointed, or rather, scared of being disappointing. Overall mood is better, though. Gotta do some balance training.
(7) Swimming always makes me feel good. At ease, relaxed but strong. One thing that comes naturally to me. I wish I could try kayaking right now instead of skiing. First World problem right there ?
(6) When I look back on what my life was like a year ago I see I really don't have to be upset about anything. Everything I wanted to happen, happened. I need to work on the fear of losing it all now.sigh
(8) Final note: I've been writing in the last 3 days. It's a new approach, and it's so freeing. I've finally managed to get the expectations' weight of my shoulders. It feels amazing.
19(9) Yes, I go like mountain skiing!!! I can even turn left already. Not right, though, I usually fall over when I turn right ? still, not bad for one day.20(9) I've started to sort of understanding skiing this morning, it it's amazing! The little discoveries one makes when trying something new. For example, skiers look like jerks, because those shoes are a21(8) Did a lot of nothing today ((c) my Scottish exchange mom). Got 5 new songs for my guitar repertoire. Watched 'Amy' with I. Life is good.
22(5) Gained better understanding of my mood patterns, how long they last, how often they happen, etc. Don't know what I'm going to do with the information, but there it is.23(5) I had to enforce a boundary today. Boy, did it feel awful! I'm codependent to the extent where it didn't even occur to me to say out loud I'm uncomfortable with something for most of my life.24No Reasons25No Reasons26(7)
(4) UPD for yesterday, I was feeling really flat.
(8) I wore a Rick and Morty T-shirt today, no reaction from my class whatsoever. On the way home past a school a group of teenagers complimented me though ? am I infantile or just plain cool? ?
27(8) Badminton today. Got an extremely painful cramp in my right arm and had to change the style of my game. That was what led to victory against a stronger opponent. There's a lesson in there somewhere :)28(4) I wasn't the golden child, I've always been the scapegoat, I've just been too brainwashed to see it. Stupid me. Hurt and shocked. I need to learn to start and finish things only for myself.
29(4) More self-deceit: to this day I find it hard to believe what my ex husband did was abuse. But it was. Emotional, yes. I don't know if he realized it. Frankly, I shouldn't care. Will do my best.30No Reasons31(6) My borderline friend's behavior seems to be getting better at a crazy peace. He doesn't even have an official diagnosis yet, but has been reading up and has obviously gained some insight into his
(3) 'Better agression than depression', the 17-year-old-me used to say. I was so smart, I need to fully feel that anger so much. I'm angry with my mother and everyone who said the same things she did to
February
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2No Reasons3(4) A video called 'Six painful Issues of Adult Children of Narcissists' has sent me into a panic attack. Being a blind idiot is no fun. On the bright side, I've walked 10000 steps to relieve my anxiety.4(5) Done a lot of thinking and feeling. It's good to have a direction for growth again.
5(6) Felt the depressive kind of tired yesterday, physical but for no reason. Went for a walk. Cooked a nice meal. Was irritable but held it together. Thus a six.6(10) Cleaned the kitchen, did some shopping AND! Tried painting for the first time ever. Oil and everything. It's amazing. I can't even draw, I suck so bad but I don't care. Hypomanic? Loving it anyway.7No Reasons8(10) However I feel during the day, if I paint at the end of it, I feel like a ten. This reminds me of how I felt about writing when I was a teen. This feeling is the best one I've ever experienced. Quotin9(9) I've tried paining 'Wound Medals', it's the kind of medal soldiers get for not being heroic or going beyond the call of duty, just for getting wounded in action (so I gather). It seemed a cool concept
(6) Gotta update for today as well. Dunno what to write. I gotta play some guitar before my fingers go all tender again. Been having dreams about my ex husband. Guilt stabs. Anxiety. Otherwise OK.
10No Reasons11No Reasons
12(5) Falling behind again.
(4) Yesterday sucked. I have to let go of the illusion that my love, support and reserve can charge anything for anyone. Cathartic thought.
(6) Letting go, tears, wine, Muse and painting. Perfect.
13No Reasons14(5) Being upset made me paint something pretty for a change ?
(9) Feeling great and planning to keep it that way. And, hey, pandas, I love you all, and wish you a nice evening however you feel about today ???
15No Reasons16No Reasons17(8) I keep forgetting to update, darn :) all is well, to the extent that it can be well right now. Learning to be kinder to myself, allowing myself not to be perfect. Feels pretty good.
(8) Great Afro dance session with live drums. Headache got in the way of feeling ecstatic, but it was good. A little cardio, a little meditation never hurt.
18(5) Telling my body I'm sorry for having been so unappreciative all these years. Demanding perfection, and never appreciating it's strength, resilience and it being such a fast learner. I don't have
(10) Wow, my body sure likes being treated nice, I've played badminton for 2 hours and I was in the zone! Won both matches, it's like everything was just happening on its own. Feeling good now, but tired.
19No Reasons20No Reasons21(9) Yesterday was so much fun I didn't update ? discovered Elliot Roger (a mass murderer) and the fact he'd left behind a book about his life and a vlog. That's like a psychologist's wet dream. Got22No Reasons23(6) Nice quiet day yesterday, except for realizing the amount of paperwork that needs to be done in order for me to stay in Germany. Painted ' Entitlement'24(6) The grieving process has taken me so deep into the past I've suddenly remembered the desire for cutting I used to have. God, how could anyone have ever thought I was OK? I was an abandoned child all25No Reasons
26(8) Took a train to visit my sis and her family. The sun is finally out but it's cold af. Mood is good though.27(10) In the last 24 hours I've made a wolf's head out of paper mache, played table tennis and pool, co-drew a picture with nephew and had a figure skating lesson. My sis' family is awesome.28(7) Figure skating lessons are going great, the coach is amazing, and I'm really getting the hang of it. Not doing anything complex yet, I'm a beginner, but it's so much fun!
March
MTWTFSS
   1(6) I so don't miss the drama of home. Thinking a lot of how I've always been drawn to toxic or unstable people. I need to change a lot about myself. Maybe then I'll meet someone who is comfortable with2No Reasons3(5) I was going to try skiing ( not mountain, the other kind), but feel ill with a stomach bug. It hurts so much, and it's been over 24 hours now. No skating today, either. This sux, I hope I'll be OK to4(8) Back home. Migraine after a long night of taking and drinking with sis. It was worth it ?
5(9) Home. Watched The Revenant and painted. I've discovered Elliot Rodger, a spree killer who left behind an autobiography and a YouTube channel. So interesting to dive into such a sick mind. The amount6No Reasons7(6) Things are as usual at home. Painting and waiting for the new course to start.8No Reasons9(7) Got new shoes yesterday and talked to a friend I haven't spoken to in ages. The connection is as strong as ever. He is doing good now, and I'm very happy. We chatted till very late though.10No Reasons11(4) Was very low yesterday. Everyone around here seemed to be. Couldn't even play badminton properly. Crying together with I. was kinda sweet though :)
(7) Flew on a lil Cessna today, that was great fun :)
12(6) Last day of not waking up early. Glad to be going back to the German course, though!13No Reasons14(7) course is great! We've got a Phillipinian transgender, and I've made them feel at ease right away. I like myself for that. I love people, and I think they all deserve to feel good while being15(8) Enjoying some alone time at home :) if I don't get that I become Irritatable, and since I have to wake up early I can't do that right before sleep, I just don't have the time. Ahhh solitude.16(9) If anyone wants to see my ' paintings', find me on instagram, abstracttherapy :)17No Reasons18(7) Got hurt by a friend, decided not to get into a fight, just went and painted my feelings instead. It was amazing, got all the crazy overreaction out of my system. I love art therapy.
19(4) I don't like a lot of negativity. I really don't. I love people. I want to understand them. I don't like being around judgemental ones, though.20No Reasons21(6) Been sick these past two days. Stomachache and just couldn't stop sleeping. Missing German class today :( It's so much fun, I hate missing it. Feeling a bit tired but better now.22(5) Extremely irritated by constant negativity of a friend. He probably doesn't mean anything by it. Or maybe he does, because words do mean something, especially when they keep coming.23(6) Been physically and mentally sick all day. Painted, failed, started over and upon completion suddenly felt OK. It's friggin magic!24(6) Yay, Easter holidays are here! Looking forward to all the sleeping in ?25(5) Tough conversation, sad thoughts in the night. There is a person who's always there for me, though. Me. I create my own sanctuary, I pick me up and find something cool to do together with myself :)
26No Reasons27(7) Tried repeating a painting yesterday. It's probably a good exercise. It came out good, plus this time it's got a better background. Have a big emotion to art therapise tonight. Looking forward to it.28(5) Feeling kinda bleh today. Love the sound of rain, though, and the general melancholy of the weather. Watching 'Gone Girl', so far I like it a lot.29No Reasons30(8) Long walk and reading in bed afterwards. Nice day off :)31(5) I must say, having emotionally disregulated people around is hard. Takes a toll.
April
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(2) This will be for yesterday. Had to call the police and ambulance for my friend who was menacing to kill himself. Will have to change living arrangements now. I'm so tired.
(8) This is for the day before. Everything was just wonderful. Hanging out, painting, enjoying life and the holidays.
(5) Feeling better
5No Reasons6(6) After feeling completely deflated yesterday woke up with a bit of energy. Good.7(5) I've gone into no desires mode.It's a defence mechanism, I know.And it's unnecessary.I'm grown up now, I can defend myself.I have no idea how to turn it off, though.Don't want anything from anyone Ugh8No Reasons
9No Reasons10(5) After feeling empty and melancholic for a few days I got better little by little. Effin migraines are killing me, though. Could it be because I'm not drinking these days? :D
(9) On my way to the cours today I suddenly had this very clear memory of how it felt when I was most in love. It was so vivid I actually felt in love in that moment. Not with that person (hell, no)
11No Reasons12(9) Yesterday was quite idyllic. Studied German, then bought a skirt (feels like summer is on its way), painted a something, went to bed early.13(7) Another nice day yesterday, except for being a little ill. It seems I'm OK now. Went afro dancing, then had an early night. Life is good when everyone's taking their meds hehehe14No Reasons15(7) Yesterday: a long walk, painting (tried to repeat a previous painting so I can give it to my mom. Good exercise, but will have to try again), grocery shopping. That wore me out, since I'm still sick.
(8) Going to Munich today with gf, she has to study there for 4 days. Today we'll go see Paul Klee's exhibition and just walk around the city. I'll take the train home in the evening.
16No Reasons17(8) Sunday in Munich was great! Health is getting better, too (antibiotics working), and I've found an anti allergy drug that works. Still exhausted, though. Studying.18No Reasons19No Reasons20(6) So tired this week. TGIF. Will do some shopping today and then just chill at home. It sorely needs cleaning, but I'll leave that for tomorrow.21(8) Plan for today: vacuuming, badminton, painting. Looking forward to this day. I'm so grateful for meds and the progress those around me and I are making. To think, it's all happened in a year.22(7) Nightmares all night. Been a while, I wonder why now. Will need to think about that. Badminton court was closed yesterday, hope it's open today. Really want to go for a walk today.
23No Reasons24(7) My gf has offered to marry me so I can stay here and have the right to work, insurance etc. Our relationship is still quite new, but she is a very good and caring person. I admire her bravery in this,25(5) Summer is flashbacky. Abuse in the south of France will do that to you. Conversing with inner parent is helpful and very pleasant. Can't wait to be alone to continue.26No Reasons27(7) If you want to heal, you need to process your emotions. ALL of your emotions. You don't get to pick the ones you feel comfortable processing. That's Richard Grannon. Not an accurate quote.28No Reasons29(9) I'm in Denmark! It's lovely though it's cold and grey. Something about this place makes me feel all tingly :)
30(7) Tomorrow is a big day, and there's a long drive home included. I feel great here, somehow Denmark stirrs up many associations from childhood. Feeling peaceful and happy.
May
MTWTFSS
 1No Reasons2(10) Just got back home after a very very long day. This wedding was very different from my first one. No conflict, no stress, just a little bit of nerves while the official was giving her speech.3(7) I used to think one day I'd change something about my life and everything would be wonderful. Now I think it'll be what I make it. Guess I've grown up :)4(6) Just got back and on the road again. Going to see my sister, and mom will be there. They say when we stay with our family we go back into a kind of childlike state. If the family is toxic, our5(10) I'm doing good, ignoring my family members' irritation and fatigue, having a blast. Woke up in the greatest of moods tbh. And we're barbequing today, German style: there's a thingy for preheating the6(5) My nephew's started painting in the wrong room and got yelled at. I felt so bad for his rare inspiration being cut down. On the other hand, he told me openly ( and with a familiar smirk I've come to
7No Reasons8(5) Still worried and anxious about my nephew. Had a great time with mom, though. Hope it lasts. Came home to old craziness. I. is my ray of sunshine.9(5) Feels like something's shifted in mom's worldview. I do believe people can change a little. I've also changed. We had such a great time, I'm even a little sad now.10(7) Had one busy day and one to rest, now driving to I's mom's birthday party. Tired, just wish to get enough sleep and some alone time. Mood very good these days, though.11No Reasons12No Reasons13(7) I was right about my friend being borderline. He's just got the test results. My first diagnosis haha ? I made it when we were just chatting online, not hanging out together yet. Hope meds help
(7) Finally home with nothing much to do. Listened to podcasts about yoga therapy and D'n'D therapy. Painted a weird something that made me feel better ( concerning the current flashback). Life is good.
(8) Finally home with nothing much to do. Listened to podcasts about yoga therapy and D'n'D therapy. Painted a weird something that made me feel better ( concerning the current flashback). Life is good.
14(7) One more unsuccessful attempt to paint a feeling that's been coming up from time to time and causing pain. Maybe I'll succeed when I finally work through it. And painting is fun whatever the result.15(6) Tired, a bit ill, hypochondria. Will do an early night tonight.16No Reasons17(5) One of those dreams where someone tells you something you've always wanted to hear, and it's just a dream but it makes you feel stuff for them. Thank you, subconscious!18(6) Art has moved from movies to series' and documentaries. I'm hooked on the newer ones big time. Amy, A Woman Scorned (Amanda Knox), Holy Hell, Lady Valor, Van Gogh Painted with Words, War Photographer.19No Reasons20(5) Went a little more depressive yesterday, painted, felt better. It's good to be able to realize that you're sad because of your condition, and not blame the outside world.
21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24(4) Still in a bad phase. Went to a concert today, really wanted to impress someone. That's not good. Talked to I. about visiting Moscow, the mere thought made me cry. I feel like so much more of a real25(5) Yesterday was slightly better. Just waiting for this to pass. Dancing helps!26No Reasons27(5) Need to remember: depression is the time when self care is extra important. Not the time to put myself down even more. I'll feel better after a meds adjustment and some me time.
28(5) Badminton today was helpful with mood, but it's still sort of dull. Will go to bed soon, because tomorrow we're driving to a different town for my German exam. Wish me luck!29No Reasons30No Reasons31(6) Exam in a small mountain town of Schwabish Hall. Gorgeous views. A walk and swimming pool as I wad waiting for the result. The pool is huge! I loved it. And I passed, with 96 out of 100.
June
MTWTFSS
    1(5) Decided to take a small fast quetiapine to compensate for the dosage of regular one. I think I've got body dysmorphia. It explains pretty much everything that's bothering me. I don't like it, I don't2(8) Rock im Park tomorrow! Apparently it's a part of the biggest rock festival in Germany. Muse and Shinedown, wow I'd never thought I'd see the latter live. They don't come to error Europe a lot I think.3No Reasons
4No Reasons5No Reasons6(10) OK, so, Rock im Park. We've witnessed a small miracle. But let me start at the beginning. It's impossible to park. The parking lot is miles away from the actual Park. It's hot. It's very crowded.7No Reasons8(5) Right after Rock im Park I had to leave on a small vacation in Saxonia with I. We got there pretty late, got lost in very scenic places, and went for a night walk around the town. I was feeling tired
(6) Next day we'd gone to see the famous rocks with the remains of a XIII century castle on them. It was beautiful :) The day felt like it was filled with all sorts of emotions and impressions, so much so
9(5) A walk in Dresden completed our little trip, it was nice though I was too tired to really enjoy it.10(7) Woke up regretting waking up. Had a little talk with A. whose depression is getting hard to live with. Painted two thingies. Feel much better now.
11(6) Feeling like my head is above the water again. Going back to German course tomorrow, I'll prob be far behind. It's OK though. Waking up early is the worst for me.12(5) Ton of compliments on German. Teacher says most compact course is too slow for me. Wish my ' genius' got me some money or something. Good to see other students, though. I. gave me a book on Bipolar.13(7) I have no habit of listening to myself to find out what I want in the moment. No wonder I get depressed and want nothing at all from time to time. One more lesson for me. I'm so happy to have insight14(8) Talked to I. till 2 in the morning last night ? it was great. Very uplifting. I'm a lucky girl, even though she is pmsing right now and doesn't know how brilliant she is. Watching football.15No Reasons16(8) Great match for Portugal and Spain last night. I. was laughing about having a wife watching football. Now she can complain about me at work just like all her collegues about their husbands ?
(5) Noticed a drop in mood in the evenings. It sometimes goes away if I hang out with Inga and we are having fun. I used to be more of a morning depression person. I wonder why. Could it be I'm not
17No Reasons
18(6) Yesterday: watched football, cleaned the apartment a little, slept like a baby. Good day.
(6) One of the cats has diarrhea. Unfortunately, it's the fluffiest one. I've never trimmed anyone's anus area before. Feeling kind of close to him now. Painted an interesting something.
19No Reasons20(7) Little splotches of hypimania here and there, but woken up thanks to it. Learning to sing a new song, thinking a lot. Glad to be better.21No Reasons22(7) Feeling glad about small things. Tired though. Seeing a German psychiatrist for the first time today.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26(6) The new dose of Quetiapine is making life better. Not great yet, but I'm not depressed, yay!
(6) When I'd first got my diagnosis and some meds (finally at the age of 34), it felt like I was starting life anew. I was very happy for a while, even though I was having a bunch of scary realizations.
27(6) If I'm not the manic fun, jovial, weirdly charming person, and I'm not the depressed, unmotivated hermit, who am I? What will I be if I ever get my meds right? Maybe I can create a new me. Go back to28(5) Every tragic story I read or see there's a similarity. Just before committing suicide ( or murder suicide) the person went off their meds. Because they were feeling better. Because of the meds.29No Reasons30(7) There was no football yesterday, so I painted. Rested after German course, cooked, then had a night of emotional conversations. Had too much wine, frankly :) hope I didn't shock anyone. Mind working.
July
MTWTFSS
      1(6) Was super depressed, but watching football and talking to a Panda helped. Housework stuff, changed guitar strings, they are fantastic, the new ones.
(5) I enjoy football casually, just world and european cups. That makes for 2 weeks of football per year. I skipped a few years after Ivan's death, because it was his thing. Now I'm ready to enjoy again.
2(7) Had a lovely bike ride with Inga, relaxed and unsporty, about 25km (judging from the map) surrounded by trees and creeks. We stopped to see a place where bats and deer live and fed the deer some grass
(4) Today sucked. Couldn't get back to normal after last night's shock. He's apologizing, but he always does. I don't believe it anymore. Tomorrow he might get some meds, we'll see what happens. Tired.
3No Reasons4(5) Channeled some of my anger in a painting. Still pissed. I wouldn't be, but when I said I was still not over that evening, my friend said: 'But I'M upset'. So typical, thinks he's the only one who's
(6) Gotta stop wasting my time thinking about things I can't change. Some people just suck sometimes. I'll be OK. My responsibility is my feelings, my integrity and handling my Bipolar disorder.
5(6) Today German lesson, bought the present for teach from all of us (he's lovely), next African dancing and some play. Ugh. I'm tired already.
(3) Alrightie, I've said that I'm too tired for too much stuff and I don't want to go see a play, to which I. got upset, said I never want to do anything and I only think about myself. A bit of an
6No Reasons7No Reasons8(6) Will have to post a bit for the last 2 days. Everyone in the German course liked my idea for the gift for our teacher. I took care of collecting the money and buying it and giving it to him. It was
(5) Mood got better yesterday when someone wanted to buy my painting. She is too broke, though. Dunno why she asked ? still bothered by the two last conflicts at home. I feel I didn't deserve either.
(8) Guess who's feeling froggy. We've made a window net for my cat with A., then I helped change the exhaust on his motorbike, then we all went to the lake and swam right across it. And back. Feeling good
9(7) Quietv day today, enjoyed some alone time and practiced mindfulness and being in the now. Tomorrow is the last day of A2 German. I've passed the simulated exam top of the class. Actual numero uno. Yay10No Reasons11(7) Last day of ' school' was good. Ran some errands after, watched football, saved I's back with a massage. Nice day.
(7) Connected to my protector that I call Superbitch. Asked her to shut up about the way I look for a while. That actually worked, she's being quiet ( though skeptical). Pretty amazing.
12No Reasons13(7) Yesterday: picked some veggies at a self - serve place ( what are those called in English?), did grocery shopping, then dance class and dinner with all the dancers. Had my first casual convo in German14No Reasons15(9) New tires for my bike, and tweaked the brakes, all done by A. with me just helping by bringing tools and screwing things on. We've fixed the tire on his bike, too, so hopefully tomorrow we can all go
(9) Ever since I'd asked my protector Superbitch to be quiet about the way I look ( working on body dysmorphia here), I've been feeling so good about being in my body, it's almost weird. I appreciate the
(5) Football, more bike fixing and a ride today. Exercise really helps. Feeling good about myself turned out to be a trap, though. It's made me look in the mirror more and hope to see hot. I'm not right
16No Reasons17(7) Yesterday was nice. Some real human convo with I., trying to fix stuff around the house, helping A. a little bit with research on his liver problem. That boy's gotta start eating healthy.
(5) Today was lovely, really, I cooked, I was in a great mood, I made progress in African dance class, but now my blood pressure is through the roof. Might be Quetiapine. What if I have to give it up?
18(6) Quiet day, sticking to my new exercise plan, a bit of cleaning, maybe a bike ride later. Or a movie. Trying not to think about my bp.19No Reasons20(7) Feeling more motivated to do stuff, including that which I don't like, cooking for example :) working on the body dysmorphia. Looking for reasons to appreciate my body, so every time I criticize it
(6) I look for a skirt hanger in my closet. I'm sure there must be one. Then I realize, it is probably in my previous home. I feel a pang of pain. I wonder how the man is I'd left behind is doing.
21No Reasons22(7) Got a new long story summer dress that looks great and a pair of sporty sandals for walks in the woods and such. Feeling good. Tired, though.
23(6) Things are good, except for a borderline episode. My friend A. says he's upset we don't take his pain seriously, but I find it hard when the reason seems so miniscule. Like changing weekend walk plan,24(6) Had a long bike ride yesterday and a picnick. Since I've stopped taking contraceptive pills I feel very emotional. I've read depression can be a side effect of those, plus they somewhat tune down25(6) Yesterday was messy. Cried and painted for 2 hours, went to trivia quiz, got 3rd place, got drunk, talked to a stranger till 3am. Feeling tired. A mini roster episode of hypomania? Or pill withdrawal26(8) Amazing swim in the lake. Inga rowed across it and back while I swam. A few times. It's cool to have someone with you for a long swim. Meditating while lying on my back in the water, the quiet, the27No Reasons28(6) Inga's gone to visit her parents. I have learned to enjoy alone time, so that's what I'm doing. Painted a pic.29No Reasons
30(7) Yesterday I've cleaned the house, helped A. finish his motorbike, feeling motivated and stable. Painted twice in the last three days. Feels good.31(7) Still doing good. Trying to listen to my feelings again daily. It was a good habit, I need that otherwise I suppress like nobody's business. Hope you are all well.
August
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2(8) It's been one year since I've moved to Germany, and thus one year with Inga. It flew by, oh, my. With my exes it felt like an eternity, but maybe because she's a girl, or because we do so much stuff,
(7) When I swim I love my body because it's so good at it without ever taking a single lesson. When I swim I have no body dysmorphia either. When I swim I am relaxed and sane. When I'm lying on my back
3No Reasons4(8) Inga and I have gone on th Dyke Parade today, because she's working tomorrow and can't make the Gay Pride. It was great! So much more inclusive than the Pride. We could just walk along with everyone5(6) All my life I've had the feeling people around me were unwilling or unable to be open and be themselves. It's different on here, on MP. You guys are real, and I want to thank you for that. You've
6(5) Yesterday was not an optimal day, I've been sad for the most of it due to an argument with Alex (that dude is complicated, and so am I). Had a great swim in the lake with Inga, though. Very sporty.7(6) Boring day at home yesterday, then went shopping for clothes with Alex. That was kind of fun. I want to get a punching bag. Good anger release, exercise plus I could learn to punch someone real hard.8(5) After some conflict at home depression strikes. I feel numb and tired, constantly about to fal asleep as if I want to turn off. I guess in a way I do. I've been running from my emotions for years.9No Reasons10(7) Trivia quiz, talking about hated and loved TV shows with people, wine, riding passenger on a motorcycle (exhilarating), wanting to learn to drive a chopper myself, other plans for the future. Fun day.
(7) Upset stomach all day, but mood is good. Done some chores. Possibility of translating a book. Into English. Could I pull this off? I'm not a native speaker. I guess it's doable with a good editor. Yay
11No Reasons12(7) Been to Wurzburg (or something like that) yesterday to celebrate be getting my German ID. Walked around the castle, drank some wine sitting on a wall, then had sushi. Inga is super sweet when drunk :D
13(5) I used to be great at escapism. The time before sleep used to be the best. Watch something, drink some wine, or read something with no wine and feel all cozy. I can't seem to do that tonight.14No Reasons15(6) A lot of psychological work. Feels like there's progress, but it's very slow. Did an experiment last night. Closed my eyes and talked myself into believing I'm cute, and I don't have to be perfect,16(5) Long day. Inga's had a minor surgery today, and worry has hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm not the worrying type normally. She is back home and all OK now, but I'm feeling very emotional. Serves me
(7) Oh, also, I've had my first driving lesson yesterday with Inga as my coach. I'm 35 and I've never learned how to drive, I know it's ridiculous, but I've always found a reason. Living in a big city, or
17No Reasons18No Reasons19(5) Forgot to update, so will do a few posts. Mood has been very up and down. I'm sad a lot, I'm also OK pretty often.
(5) How can one forgive oneself? Guilt has been my main emotion for as long as I can remember. I'll just start with forgiving myself for one thing. Maybe something easy. Maybe for not taking good care
20No Reasons21(6) Bloodwork in the morning, then some cleaning and cooking, badminton in the evening. Great Spanish Netflix movie about a writer called 'The Motive'. If you're interested in writing, give it a go.22(8) Done a lot of chores today, fed loved ones. Finding motivation in the mundane Making time for hobbies. One painting session and one guitar session a week. Motivation doesn't grow on trees, I gotta23No Reasons24(9) Been very active these last days. Doing chores all day, painting, playing my ? and singing, a tad Hypomanic I would say.
(9) Finally got some results of my bloodwork and EKG, everything is perfect according to the doctor. The hypochondriac in me had imagined all sorts of horrible things, but I'm fine! Even my thyroid
(8) Posting for the missed 3 days, sorry for the many posts. Very active (for me), very up. Signed up for the next German course in September. Some of the people I know from the previous one will be there
25(5) A bit of a crash today. Depression and anxiety mask other feelings they say. The other day I found anger under my anxiety, some housecleaning and agressive music helped with that. Today I'm26No Reasons
27(6) Yesterday was quiet and peaceful moodwise. Today I'm flying off to Malta for a few days. No suitcase, getting everything I need into one backpack is going to be a challenge for me :)28(7) I'm in Malta, just took a shower in a former porthole, now vaping on marble stairs inside the apartment. OMG you guys, this place is something.
(6) A lot of walking today. Feeling fat and ugh, but Inga is very sweet so I'm still enjoying myself. A bit uncomfortable without a room to be alone in, that's why I'm not at my best. Working on it.
29(8) Swimming in Malta is not for the faint of heart, ladders like in swimming pools take you right into deep waters with waves crashing on rocks. I'm the only one who's had fun swimming today.30No Reasons31(8) Yesterday: War Museum, swimming, then dinner in a place with live jazz, and a long walk around city center. We're flying home tonight.
September
MTWTFSS
     1(8) Spent the day at the beach before flying home. The flight was shaky, and at some point the hostess ( or what are they called?) started asking people to change seats for the landing. She looked really
(7) Home. Couldn't sleep last night from all the excitement. Drowsy all day, but relaxed and content. I want to see more of the sea, it's the best antidepressant for me. Thinking of getting a sea-related
2(6) It's cool here in Bavaria, and it's raining all day. I've been feeling tired all day. Done some chores though. A little still left to do. Tomorrow we're going to Schwarzwald to visit all the relatives
3No Reasons4(7) Yesterday was quite nice actually, we all laughed together and were mostly relaxed. Whee!
(8) Today we've seen a motorbike museum, climbed along a waterfall, visited a park for bears rescued from circuses and other terrible places, and saw a beautiful ruin of a church, then had dinner in a
5(9) Seen an exhibition of Dali's smaller works from private collections. Heliogravures and such ( whatever that is). I wasn't a fan of his before, but now I am. Genius, almost all of it. Like looking into6(6) Walked around several cute towns, saw an old farmhouse, took Mom back to my sister's. Tired but happy.7No Reasons8No Reasons9(5) Yesterday was a bit stressful, but it's gonna get better with time.
(7) Happy to be back home. Just resting today.
10(6) Day started off bad after an argument with Alex and a feeling of total hopelessness about this friendship. Tired of being blamed for another person's mood swings and feelings of self-hate. I sound11(6) Don't know how to rate today. It's been nice to spend some time alone for th first time in weeks. I've been really cheerful all day. But now I'm a little sad, thinking about my mom all alone in Moscow
(6) I've had this dream recently that an old friend of mine had died from anorexia. Starved herself to death. I thought, how is that possible? She was so king, and smart, and BEAUTIFUL, and she'd left 2
12(8) Painted finally today, and I want to do it tomorrow, too. Need the new paints to complete today's pic though, so waiting on that. Watched a funny Woody Allen movie (To Rome With Love). Feeling good.13No Reasons14(5) Mom is in one of her depressed moods, thinking a lot about the fact that she is alone (without my sister and me, that is) in Moscow, and we don't want to do anything to help her immigrate. As if it
(7) This is for yesterday cuz I forgot. I had a nice day, used a primer for the first time, and some sand, and some black sparkly powder for a painting. And some sheet silver, too. Such fun!
15No Reasons16(7) Helped Alex with motorbike, painted, did some chores. In the evening mum wrote back all smiles and jokes. It works pretty well when I ignore the accusations. Mood's been good, and dreams are back.
17(5) I got this book called 'Intuitive Eating' and started reading it. I check all the boxes in a test for a bad relationship with food, of course. The hardest thing they ask of you in the beginning is to18(6) This one is not just about food, bear with me. The Intuitive Eating book tells you to listen to your hunger levels and feed your body when and what it needs. Learning to do this takes time, one might19No Reasons20(5) Played trivia quiz yesterday, we started well but effed up the end. Alex had a fit and blamed me in very aggressive terms. Naturally I told him I didn't like his tone and if he's gonna be like that I21(7) First dance lesson of the season yesterday, back muscles got a great workout. Migraine after, very painful like bad old times. Weather changing.22No Reasons23(6) Migraines and preparing for going back to learning German. Motivated! Got all the grammar tables in order.
(7) As for today, feeling super chill, like I'm on drugs almost. Watching trees in the wind and angels on graves ( excursion at an old cemetery was great). It's good to be me today.
24No Reasons25(6) First day of German was complicated. Quite a leap between A2 and B1. The teacher speaks super fast. That's good, that's how real Germans talk, right? Threw out a ton of old clothes and shoes.
(5) Some chores, 2 canvas sheets primed (cause I know they should be now), nothing more to show for this day. Having my mind free of diet and food thoughts's freed up a lot of space for all the emotions
26(6) Painted a cute pic. Done chores, did a ton of German homework. Feeling like a quiet evening.27(5) Been very happy in the morning but got stupidly upset because the project I helped Inga's kid do was not to her (kid's) liking. Feelings of worthlessness and loserdom. But then… Richard Grannon28(7) German was very challenging today (again), but it's when we're challeneged that we learn, right? If something is hard it means we are making progress. Moodwise I'm very emotional these days. It's good29No Reasons30(5) Badminton today, Alex drove us there on his motorbike. Such fun :) I love it more and more every time. Mood swings tho! Feeling like a young me. Ugh, that's exhausting.
October
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2(2) They say one's gotta grieve the bad things that have happened before being free. When it comes to my first marriage I sometimes feel like there are not enough tears in the world to grieve through that3No Reasons4(5) Forgot to upd for a few days. Did well on our quiz yesterday, third place, free champagne. Hung out with the winners for a little bit. Didn't enjoy myself that much being in a bad phase at the moment.
(5) Got the book on school shooters I ordered a few days ago. Loving it. In the mood for dark and disturbing stuff (I often am). German class was good. No dancing tonight, teach is sick.
5No Reasons6(6) Yesterday night I got an unexpected call from my best friends back in Moscow. It was pretty late already, and we drank wine and laughed our asses off till 4 am. I miss them! I'm also aware that I'm
(7) I've drunken way too much last night, my head's killing me today. It's kind of funny, reminds me of my life back in Moscow :) Drinking coffee in the car to give me a boost for today's errands, feeling
7No Reasons
8(6) Weather's changing again, so I've got a migraine. Can't make it to the German lesson, feeling so guilty :( Second Monday in a row. Stupid Mondays. Grrr. Inga says she'd once missed a whole month of it9No Reasons10(7) Got new dosage of meds. In Berlin now, arrived late so don't have a feel of the city yet.
(5) Last two days I was off meds and preparing for the trip, so it was a little shaky.
11(5) Berlin is lovely. It's a big city with a lot of people, but they have somehow managed to make the center of it feel chill. Potsdamer platz to be more specific. We've had a long day, feeling tired now.12(5) Berlin is great, my companions are nice, we've met up with friends here. Mood is shit, though. Hoping it passes soon.13(5) It's only half past ten, and I'm already exhausted and back home after a night on the town. Am I getting old? ? looking forward to coming back to the actual home and having a quiet day or two with no14(6) Honey, I'm home! That was a fun trip, but so fast-paced, my head is still spinning. We've seen some places that only experienced berliners know about, and some places for tourists that were still
15(4) I have completely lost the desire to share my feelings and the stories from my life with anyone. I used to be a pretty good storyteller. It felt so great entertaining people. I also used to want to be16No Reasons17(3) Would have updated last night, but I've spent most of it in bed and only opened my eyes to talk a little to a panda. Been sleeping ever since. My dreams are so much more fun than reality.18No Reasons19No Reasons20(5) Been to Inga's brother's wedding today. Mixed feelings. Exhausted.
(5) Envy. A bad thing. Comes from entitlement. Entitlement could come from a longing for something. A longing so intense that the thought of it never being satisfied feels like death. A defence against
21No Reasons
22No Reasons23(5) Getting out of my funk little by little. I drink way too much when depressed, gotta stop now. It makes things worse probably. Finished a little painting today. Not a fan of it, but that's OK.
(1) Since I've missed the worst days, will give myself a 2 for those. A lot of old aggression's been coming up for me. I guess that can happen when you stop stuffing your feelings down. I remember now why
24(4) What I do when I feel shit but have free time is watch stand-up. British, mostly. Or Iliza Schlezinger, she's American but she's fantastic. Hannah Gabsby is wonderful, funny but then sad.25No Reasons26(5) Yesterday I had German class and dance class, both went OK, nothing inspirational due to my mood though. I like the melancholy autumn weather. It's depressing for Inga, but extra beautiful this year.27(5) German and psychiatrist today. Enjoyed being out in nature. Music in the evening. Tired, calmer. TGIF.
(5) Feeling froggier today. Painted a pic. Did some chores. I'd like to go for a walk in the forest tomorrow, so I can really enjoy autumn for a couple hours. Psychiatrist said I might profit from some
28No Reasons
29No Reasons30(5) Yesterday was fine, but today's not good. I'll give it a 5 overall. What if I'm unable to be happy? What if all the problems I've had with other people (like my ex husband), were actually problems I31(7) Inga's brother and his new wife visiting today, and we've all gone to the quiz together. Had a lot of fun and came 5th out of 25 teams. Not bad. I'm happy to have them here and go out and drink with
(6) Tired from hanging out with people, glad everyone's gone and I can have a quiet night. Feeling relaxed and sleepy.
November
MTWTFSS
   1(4) Something is very wrong. With my meds perhaps. Going to visit my sister tomorrow, will see how I feel when I'm in a different environment. Right now I feel shit every night, with thoughts of self-harm2(6) At sis's. Beautiful ride through autumn Germany to get here. Sunset, too, was amazing, everyone was taking pictures. Feeling OK for the most part.3No Reasons4(5) Mom's still in her phase, accusing me and then saying 'oh no, it was not an accusation, I was just sad and talked about being sad'. I know the game too well, and I'm not letting it get to me anymore.
5No Reasons6(6) I think I'm getting out of the depressive phase finally. I hope so. Had fun listening to music while enjoying a brisk walk. That's something. Going back home tomorrow, I'm ready for that.
(6) Watched the new movie, Bohemian Rhapsody. I was a huge Queen fan when I was a kid. It's a good film; well directed and well acted, and the soundtrack is, well, genius :)
7(6) Went for a feeble run today. It's hard to start again, but it was OK. I didn't push myself like I used to when manic about exercise. OK day overall. A bit sad about my sister being so different.8No Reasons9(7) Followed John's instructions in running again, had more fun than expected :) Feeling good these last days. Hope you all do, too, pandas, I love you guys.10(5) I feel like I need to confess. I look too good on here. At some point either Seroquel's stopped helping with depression, or the novelty of freedom from abuse has worn off, and I was back to my old11No Reasons
12(5) I've missed quite a bit of German with all the travels and subsequent depression, but guess who's been answering all questions like the teacher's pet today? I like my brain. It's not exceptional but13(6) Ran for 30 min straight, then 30 more after a little break (had to go to a pharmacy). Progress is fast in the beginning. Last week I couldn't even keep running for 15 minutes. It's not a sport where I14No Reasons15(5) Yesterday was kind of sad, I told Inga about the self-harm. She took it well, when I said I needed to confess something I think she expected something worse :) She was very cool about it. Admirable,
(6) Today's been sort of nice. Except for feeling fat and yuck. Enjoying the sunlight and the drive through the fields. Focused. Feeling strong. Feeling I can face myself. I'll need help, probably, but I
16No Reasons17(6) Yesterday was good. Had a run at sunset, felt a little cold towards the end, need a different jacket. Doing pretty good these last days with just the fast Seroquel I take before bed. Still working on18No Reasons
19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons
26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons