5.7 avg
  264 days
  1245 hugs
  39 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(5) Went to Disney today. had fun. Everything is still awkward.2(7) I was promoted to supervisor! Now to finally learn something at work. She's making a go of trying to be nice. We'll see how long it goes on. Nap.
(4) Sickness caught up with me. Bed very early.
3(1) Now she is giving me an ultimatum about our living arrangements. She said I have to go to a hotel (which I can't afford) if we are not together. She said we are together or I have to buy her out.4No Reasons5(1) She said she can't wait to bring home a tinder date to have sex in the living room. Can't keep up like this. I told her that I never wish her harm so it hurts that she has always lashed out at me.
(2) Sigh. Went to bed early when she went to the dispensary. Kept trying to be wake me up to force me to agree to work on things. I've worked on my things, you need to work on yours. Now late to bed.
6(4) Messed up days messed up nights. At least I haven't thought about drinking. She said she almost had a glass of wine last night. Glad she didn't.7(7) First day learning my new role at work. I think I'm going to love working on Sundays. Pork chop and asparagus for lunch!
8No Reasons9(5) It's going to be better soon.
(5) Another day only felt like crying a few times.
10(3) 'I haven't eaten all day and all we have is rice and I don't know how to make it. You do.' It's on the bag! 'I know but...'11(3) Took the train to Santa Monica with her sister. I didn't want to go in the photo booth with her and she started to cry. 5 minutes later she 'didn't want to be around me.' Took the train back and she's12(7) Going to try again going with my ex to Disneyland. Taking edibles this time. No tears today.13(6) Napping before dinner with Rook.
(2) Now she's holding me hostage. She's telling me she can't get better unless we are together. Sobbing and yelling in the car on the way home today.
(5) Dinner with a friend.
14(5) Berated by text message this morning. Ok evening. Going to bed early.
15(6) Work 30 minutes early today. It is so hard to get enough sleep.
(7) Winding down. Saw Rogue One tonight; wow! Almost can't believe I waited so long to see it.
16No Reasons17(7) Smooth morning at work. Went out for burgers with a friend last night.18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Hanging in. Very slow day at work. Trying to use my down time to learn the compete program.
(8) Watched Redline today and had a grand old time. Bed on time.
22(5) She's finally sleeping in a different room. I feel a little better. Only my third actual night alone, broke up 3 weeks ago. This is hard, but I'm better alone than with someone that doesn't respect me23(6) Cowboy Bebop tonight.24(5) Took the day off work. Glad I have sick hours to use.25(3) She's talking about going out to dinner for my birthday and I KEEP TELLING her I don't want to go out. I told her she can't even pay rent on time, why would we go out to a $100 dinner? She blamed me
(5) Napping because I want to be left alone. And I'm sick.
26(2) Telling me how shitty of a person I am and then begging to get back in a relationship was not really the right tactic. And yes I know I'm shitty, you've been telling me for 2 years.27(9) Arj sent me a video to an old recording of Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds. Used to listen to this album all the time. Made my day.28(3) Two nights ago she is cutting herself because I won't get back with her, today she texts that she is moving back into the bedroom. I was finally enjoying time to myself. I can't keep up with this.
(4) Half the time I'm with her I'm just holding back tears. It looks like I'm going with the grey rock technique.
(5) Longer meditation sitting helped me check my emotions, but late to bed.
29(4) Ugh. She's back.30(2) Went out to a show and had a great time, as soon as we get home it's 'why won't you be with me again?'31(1) She wouldn't let me sleep. She is about to self harm because I won't get back with her. I never will last this point.
(2) After hours of her yelling and asking 'why' I put my face mask on and will away from her. She starts spooning me, and I immediately tell her 'don't touch me' 30 seconds later, she dumps a liter of
(4) Home, but no interest in going inside. Can't sit in the car all afternoon.
(5) She's back to pretending I didn't break up with her. Just had an extra long mediation sitting before bed. I have to increase the length so I'm able to put up with the lashing out.
February
MTWTFSS
   1(0) She said the only way it's going to end is she'll be in jail or dead.
(2) I don't want to have to beg someone to listen to me. She didn't listen to me for 2 years and now that she doesn't have me it's all she wants. She even skipped therapy. At least she rescheduled.
2(5) Ok, normalish day.3(6) I got this day.4(8) Going home in a month. Haven't been back in 5 years. Can't wait for a break from this mess.
5(6) Nice surprise text from Arj. Ate too much at lunch. My ex asked me to pick her up today from work so I'm nervous about what that means.
(5) She's pretending we are together and acting like I'll weird for living like (closing the door to pee) we are broken up.
6(5) Anniversary of Jack's death. Listened to sadish music on the way to work. Hope it's not too long of a day.
(5) Very late to bed. Skipped dinner. At least I have only one day of work before a day off.
7(3) She started to do the 'why, why, why' thing and after a bit of that I said that I didn't really want to do this. She ran at me screaming, I was heating up lunch for us and she said that I couldn't use
(5) Only fought a little more.
8(7) Got an awesome night of sleep. Going to try to go to Disneyland with the ex today and see how long we can go without fighting, hopefully the trip won't be cut short like usual.
(5) She keeps making snarky comments or 'jokes' about us not being together, but at least we didn't fight today.
9(1) She's told me 'if you hated coming home before, it's going to be a nightmare now'. It already is.
(0) 'If you are wondering why your car is sputtering when you are on the way to work, I want you to remember this moment.' Only 6 months and 20 more days to make it through.
(2) Went for a jog. Got ready for the day, if she's not going to leave me alone at least I'll get some great practice at meditation under duress.
(3) Just living on the verge of tears. At least I get to go to work tomorrow and not be at home. Bed very early because I'm mentally exhausted.
10(5) Work. Should be a good day.11(5) Sunday at work is my only alone time. Or when I'm meditating. Need to make plans outside of the house.
12No Reasons13(6) Feeling good, but worried something could go wrong. One work day before the weekend.14(4) Feeling the pain of the past and the present at the same time. Woof.15(0) She won't leave me alone or let me sleep. She has told me that she will be putting me through hell. She said it was a joke that I didn't feel safe. But I do not feel safe.
(2) Wow. I'm glad I have people that care about me in my life. My sister expertly handled my freak out today and I'm getting to stay in a hotel so I'll actually get sleep.
(5) Highs and lows. All day. I am not sure what to make of anything anymore. I know that I can feel safe sleeping tonight in a locked room away from her.
16(2) A pretty hard day. I was lucky I was able to get a second night in the hotel because I couldn't get up in time for check out since I had been crying all morning. Bought new work clothes and toiletries17(3) Constant worry that she actually is one step behind me. So many threats were made. Going to a friend's house that she does not know the location of.
(5) Minor freakout because I think she bought me a ticket to a show, but I obviously didn't go because... trap. Having her number blocked is helping.
18(5) Couldn't sleep, was on a couch a foot shorter than I. At work 30 minutes early, going to meditate. Thank you pandas!
(3) Very hard day. Work was easy, but had an anxiety attack as the last 20 minutes approached because I was afraid she'd be in the parking lot. I stayed 30 extra minutes because I was so scared.
(5) Ok at bedtime. I know things are going to get better soon enough. But sometimes, like Fry says 'that's not soon enough!'
19(5) The pro bono legal office was closed today because of the holiday. I had such bad anxiety about going over there and now I have to try again. I got a bowl of ramen instead and that was pretty cool.20(4) Doing all the clothes I own in less than a load of laundry is so crazy. Everything seems so surreal now. Arj has been helping so much since she went through a similar situation.
(3) Just talking on the phone with Mum about the plan is giving me anxiety. I can't wait for this week to be over.
21(3) So nervous about meeting with the lawyer after work. Only two more REALLY difficult days and then I can begin to heal.
(5) Mom's in town. Staying with her at her hotel. Talked a lot about my depression and some of the things that happened when I was little. Good to start to heal old wounds. Mediation now before bed.
22(2) About to do the most difficult step. Check list of legal documents to get and have a suitcase to put some spare clothes in.
(4) Oh my what a hard day. The police were so nice and they even made it so I didn't have to see or talk to her when I went to grab my stuff. I am so grateful that I do not have to be in that toxic place.
23(4) Still can't sleep in. Bad anxiety. Going to go hiking today with Mum and hopeful the excercise will help.
(6) Crazy day. I never thought I'd be here. Try to get back to a real life tomorrow, but everything changes so quickly. Glad for help from family and especially Arj.
24(6) Wow, I was smiling. Easy day at work today, already taking a break for cream of wheat and a nice glass of orange juice. Unsure about sleeping arrangements for 2 weeks next month, but I got got this.
(6) It feels nice to have a day where I'm not miserable. I think I can succeed again tomorrow. Woof, I'll worry about Monday at that time.
25(5) Didn't sleep well, need to buy an extra blanket for tonight. Solo at work today, but Sunday is the easy day. Still have high hopes.
(7) Was getting a little down by the end of work and when I got home, but Arj reminded me to take care of me, so I made dinner, hit the bong and now I'm listening to ELO and I feel pretty good.
(9) Good night alone. Finally able to relax in a somewhat familiar place. Thanks all you Pandas for all your help always, but especially in the last 3 months. Night, y'all.
26(5) Got a computer (raspberry pi) so I can apply to some more jobs. Sad to think she erased my last one, but I'll build a better one now that she's not spending my money for me. Just going to take a bit27(5) Mild anxiety about how I'm going to handle the next 6 months. I told them I might have to be gone for a bit at work (I'm still a temp), and they do want to hire me so I can have benefits, but I needed
(4) Still having work anxiety. Listening to podcasts and I'm probably going to go to the dispensary so I can zone out watching Lost tonight. One more day of work before I have a week off.
(6) I feel better about work. I like my job, but the company is not a good culture fit for me. I just need money. Bed a little late. Watched Lost and installed an operating system.
28(5) Email from ex about how she can't pay rent (already anticipated that) instantly brought my mood down a bit. Lots of errands to run after work, but I'll have my friend's apartment to myself this evenin
(8) On vacation! All my limited supply of clothes have been cleaned again. Traveling tomorrow. Baking on Friday. Sister over the weekend!
March
MTWTFSS
   1(6) Traveling. A bit scared to look at the news other than the weather.
(5) Long day with many cancelled flights. Now spending the night on the floor at the airport. Baking day with Arj will just have to be on Monday. Sister tomorrow after I land.
2(5) Finally can relax. Have to wear Mum's clothes because my bag is nowhere near by (4 cancelled flights). 36 hours later I'm at my parents. Two flights, a train and a 5 hour car ride later...3(6) Dip in the middle of the day, but only because I was out in public for much longer than I was mentally prepared for. Calm end to the day, assembled some cookies so I only have to bake them in the morn4(5) Up and down kind of day, still don't have my luggage. Can't sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Gonna be great.
5(6) So nervous. I'm going to go do some cardio. That's really new for me. Hope I can make it a habit.
(7) I had a great day baking with Arj. It's good to be with a friend that you haven't seen in years and things just click into place like they were when you last saw each other. Thanks for friends.
6(9) Today seemed unreal. I worked out this morning, doing my therapist and pcp proud. What We Do In Shadows and laughed a lot with Arj. Went out to dinner with my parents and didn't fight. Good day!7(6) Waking up in a good mood despite flight delays and one reschedule. Great msg on my phone, friend's birthday, now laundry and dishes.
(5) Another delay. Now I don't get home until midnight. Oh well. I just ate an edible and will probably not care in an hour. Won't get much sleep before work, but whatever I guess.
8(5) So many delays. Now in bed only 3.5 hours til work alarm. Goodnight.
(6) Going to round up I guess in hopes that I'll actually have a green day. Back at work with very little sleep.
(5) Made the mistake of looking at news in lunch. Friend in from out of the country so we'll have a good night. Might have to nap.
9(8) Was accepted from the wait list to be a server at a 10 vipassana retreat! Excited for the end of the month. Ok day at work. Get sleep in 30 minutes later tomorrow. Movie tonight.
(7) Laughed and need to remember to go to bed on time.
10(7) Stayed out too late, had fun with friends at least. Work at 6 AM. Bed very late.11(6) Feel good now that the day is moving. Very slow at work so I'll have too much free time. Looking for a great place for dinner tonight.
(5) Really need to sleep tonight. Feel work stress when I'm back leaving work, ugh.
12(6) Slept a full 8! Slow day at work makes the time drag on. Inspiring Arj to clean. Going to eat some french fries tonight.
(7) Bed early!
13No Reasons14(5) Apt to myself. Should probably make food, but I am feeling very lazy. Day off tomorrow, have to move my car in the morning anyway because the parking around here is awful.
(6) Watched a funny movie. Bed time.
15(8) Found a place a can park and not have to move all day today or tomorrow. Out for breakfast now. Dirty Chai doing me good.16(7) Nice day off. Feels good to relax. Work again in the morning. Didn't mess up my sleep schedule on my days off so that is good.17(6) Slow day at work. Wish I could leave early. Not too much longer now.
(6) Don't want to work tomorrow. Marathon crosses my commute, leaving early. Watched fun movies tonight.
18(6) Nice day, but I have to go in early tomorrow and I'm going to bed late. Oh, well. Only 2 more Mondays at this job.
19(7) Looking forward to a relaxing, fun evening. Work was adequate.
(6) Up too late but made dinner.
20(7) Only one week of work left. Self-care tonight. Grocery shop now.
(6) Don't want to work at 5:30 in the morning. It's hard enough working at 6. One week left and then retreat!
21No Reasons22(5) Another rainy day. At least I have today off. Need to leave to get food though.23(5) Gave in to addiction all day. So many productive things I could have done. Tomorrow is another day. Bed on time, work in the morning.24(6) Only 4 more days of work left! Slow day today. Evening alone.
(6) Listening to some loud smokers outside before I fall asleep. Those days.
25(5) She still tries to contact me daily. Three emails today. One attempted call through Hangouts, one from a restricted number. Only cried a little. Soon this will end, I hope.
26(5) Excited and nervous for tomorrow. My last day in the real world before retreat. I have little to my name so there is not much prep to do besides laundry. Late to bed27(8) Filling out second stage interview questions for a company that I really vibe with. Feels good. Leave for retreat tomorrow. Nervous, but much like last time I think the thing I'll miss most is music.28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons8(10) A 10 for 10 great days practicing vipassana in the desert. Serving was a very different experience than being a student, but I still got 4 solid hours of mediation a day. Met some really great people.
9(8) Back to sleeping on an air mattress. Will be glad to be a bed sleeper again. Good morning.
(7) Good day. Early to rise.
10(8) Going to be a great day. Meditating, reading, laughing. Maybe a break for some videogames. First sit complete!
(9) Nice night at UCB. Kate Berlant was the best. So funny.
11(6) Need motivation. Going to feed myself and watch an Edgar Wright mobile.12(4) Went to the apartment to get the last 2 checks that had been mailed there. Didn't want to hang out. On my way out she attacked me, slammed against the wall, restrained. Ripped the glasses of my face.13(5) A small headache this morning. Going to meditate before breakfast.
(7) Better after breakfast. Game time. Errands in the early afternoon and then a distance group sit with a friend for an hour. Looking good.
14(6) Stayed up very late, but I feel pretty good.
(6) Gosh, mum is giving me anxiety.
15No Reasons
16No Reasons17(5) Going to bed very late. Addiction was strong today, but I only did short meditation. Back to an hour in the morning tomorrow.
(6) Tired of letting my bad mood get me down. Going to Disneyland alone today. Bringing earplugs so I can not be too distracted to watch my breath.
18(9) Great day at the contemporary art museum with like-minded friends. Good to be on the same page as other people sometimes. Sad to be leaving soon.19(7) Last full day in the state. Sad to see it go, but happy about other things. Very glad to not be afraid of running into ex.
(8) Wow, breakfast at my favorite place in the morning then alone for 5 days on the road. Crazy. Good night, world. May you be happy, peaceful and free from suffering
20(7) Nice travel day. Great breakfast, 2 meditation sessions, good audiobook. Seeing friends in 2 days.21(7) Second travel day. Lunch with friends tomorrow. Sitting before bed for a second hour starting now.22(8) Long day. Almost at the end of this audiobook trilogy and am on the edge of my car seat. Ribs and baked beans with old friends. Finally in bed, but only 11 more hours of driving left!
23(8) So happy to be here. Being in a different state, both physically and emotionally is very much helping.24(10) Almost perfect day. Tomorrow, making my checklist first thing to avoid the procrastinating that I did this morning. I'm so glad I'm here.25(7) Spent a little too much time looking at news before getting out of bed. Very bad habit to have. Made my checklist first thing after arising though! Even before my morning glass of water.
(8) Another productive day. Jobs, jobs, jobs. About to sit for my third hour. Although I'm really going to need the money soon, not having a job has done wonders for my mediation
26(7) Great sleep, a lot to take care of today.
(6) Had some anxiety about leaving the house this morning. Did it and accomplished half of the things I set out to do, better than none. Made lunch and now more job applications.
(5) Filling out applications is exhausting. Didn't do everything on my checklist, but I did a good chunk of it. Also was listening to Harriet Jacobs' 'Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl' this morning
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons