4.8 avg
  351 days
  4260 hugs
  106 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(7) Happy new year Pandas! May all of you achieve what you're dreaming of and find peace and calm in the new year. ??? Thank you for 8 months of support here everyone, it's always much appreciated. ?2(6) A nice, okay day. Bit worried about cat after its unfortunate accident this morning.3(5) Everyone's back at work, except me and I'm enjoying some me-time for the first time in nearly two weeks. Really nice. Bit tired and stressed, and still worried about cat who's behaving weird.
(3) Really worried about cat. He's not doing well.
(6) Went to the vet, and relieved it doesn't seem to be as bad as expected. Doc suspects a marten's bite and gave him antibiotic. He already behaves more like his normal self. Hope he's better tomorrow.
4(7) Cat much livelier than yesterday. Spent a lot of time cuddling with him & he was seeking my affection. He seems completely changed & back to his usual self. So relieved & I hope it'll stay this way.
(5) Now that cat seems to be better, I have more mental capacity to go back to my usual worries. Stupid head. Feeling lonely, unwanted, worthless, even though there's probably no reason for this.
(5) Difficulties to stop scratching my head & face. This stupid habit has gotten worse again lately. Happens absent-minded & is most likely linked to stress & anxiety. The results show on my face though.
5(4) Stress and urge to cry increasing, worrying/overthinking all day long, PMS just about to start (or is it longer than 3 days for me?). Bad mood a result of the hormons again? Fucking annoyed and angry.
(5) Emotionally a bit better, but tired and headache most of today. Guilty for wasting the day with sleeping, but feeling much better now so whatever.
6(5) Trying to be a better, nicer and more selfless person. It's hard and anxiety is rising. No matter what I do I can't help feeling like in the end it's still just for me and not other people's sake.
(4) Took a look at my old blog and checked out things I shouldn't have. A lot of memories, good and bad ones, came back. The bad ones make me feel anxious, restless, disrooted, sad, regretful, slightly
(3) I'm not strong enough for life. Feeling like a stranger in my own life.
7(4) Going back to Berlin today. Stressed. Still loads to prepare & I'm a last minute packer which doesn't help either. Constant mood changes, but I'm glad I can also blame the hormones. Really tired tho.
(5) Safe trip back to Berlin, good time to arrive and unwind. Unpacked a bit, watched TV and enjoyed to be alone for some time. Mood a bit more stable and neutral for now.
8(4) Hard time to get up, not motivated at all. Back to uni, back to work. Everything in me screams and wants to run away as far as I can. Decided to up my dose a bit. I think the ADs have helped with my
(5) 5.5 Feeling calmer & less overwhelmed by everything. Started to make an uni task plan & still trying to get back into old routine, loads to do. Will try to catch up on here tomorrow, too tired rn.
9(5) Overslept, unwilling to get up. Missed two lectures already, and am incredibly slow. I know I need to get up and things will get better and easier, but I'm just kind of blah blah blah.
(4) Such a fight against myself to get ready and actually leave the flat. Overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious. Just want to sit down and have a cry, then go to bed and sleep the day away.
(2) Anxiety
(5) Calmer, but physically and mentally tired. Meeting uni friend helped and distracted me (6). Thinking about calling in sick at work tomorrow. Not what I like to do, but thinking about going there lets
(2) Fuck it. I hate this. I have no idea how to make it through the next 30+ years like this.
10(3) Getting out of bed is pointless
(4) 4.5 Veeery slowly tidied my flat, had breakfast/lunch/food at 4pm, mind not constantly screaming anymore. Very slowly starting to feel more like a sane human being again.
(3) Writing to and with you feels like a stranger is doing it instead of me, as if there's something between us. And I know what it is, because I've put it there. I hate myself so much for erecting this
(2) I don't understand why I'm so fixated on one person. Is this normal, is this the depression and my loneliness, or do I have a personality disorder? Am I a freak to be kept away from humanity? It feels
11(4) Tired, unmotivated, dizzy. Okay therapy session. Could voice some concerns, but nothing I haven't said or known before. I always sound far more rational than I ever feel inside my head.
(4) Not so good: probably have urethritis. Bit better: the pain distracted me from me general bad feeling for a while and I went to the GP and got a sick note for tomorrow. Now I'm just tired and empty.
12(3) Headache, sad, tired, guilty for skipping work and cancelling study date. Don't wanna go outside at all, don't wanna meet anyone, but also don't want to be alone. In a depressive episode?
(4) Talking to my mum on the phone helped a bit. Still don't know what to do though. I've got a ton of stuff to do, but I'm too restless to start anything. I don't want to go outside, but I also don't
(5) Finally feeling calmer, glad to log a 5. Headache getting better now that I've started to eat. Have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and plan on taking a walk. I need to get outside no matter if I want
13(4) Desperately trying to cling to my 5, but last night's anxiety followed me into my dreams. My mind's constantly circling around one specific thing. It almost feels as if I can't do/finish anything else
(3) Post-Xmas-shopping is so much more enjoyable. Bought some stationary stuff I don't really need but like to collect. Mood dropped, anxiety rose, need to eat. Friend cancelled on me, relieved.
(3) I've brought this upon myself. No reason to cry and whine.
14(2) I just wanna sleep forever
(3) I think I'm not as badly off as 2 or 3 might suggest, but I'm not great either. I'm utterly unmotivated, fatigued and bored out of my mind. Overthinking/paranoia constantly kicks in.
(5) Just realised that tomorrow is actually Monday, that I have to go to uni and haven't prepared one thing. Yeah... sucks. Today's been a complete waste of time. Finally received a message from my friend
15(4) Stressed. Got up too late because I had a crisis about having to shower & wash my hair and make it in time to uni. Still haven't showered, not going to uni and overwhelmed by the easiest things.
(6) A tiny spark of hope is flickering inside me. Took a shower, cleaned hair, shaved legs, trimmed nails, took a lot of time just caring for my body and myself and even enjoyed it. Feels good to be
(5) Best day in over a week. Grateful for the hours of contentment. Also grateful that I could chat with my friend today but it also brought up mixed and contradicting feelings. Have to work through them.
16(5) Went to the GP to get a new sick note and expected at most 3 days but got one for the whole week. Feeling a bit guilty but also massively relieved. I have some more time to recharge and ground myself.
(5) Cleaned rest of my flat which was physically exhausting, but a clean flat helps me feel better. Friend visited in the afternoon, we talked a lot and it was great. Pretty tired whole time though and
17(6) 6 only because it started snowing a few minutes ago. ?? Otherwise it'd be a 5. Went to bed early, but had some trouble falling asleep, staying asleep and had some weird dreams. Pretty tired and want
(5) Going to uni, seeing all the people & waiting for my presentation partner brought up a lot of anxiety, but the meeting was good. We hit it off pretty well & talked about all kinds of personal things.
18(6) Bit stressed and anxious this morning, but screw it, it's snowing again! Beautiful fat snowflakes. ?????????? #snowflakelove
(5) Therapy was okay, but I didn't get anything done today. Tired, dizzy and headache all bloody day. I think it's because of the storm front above all of Germany today. Emotionally I'm okay though.
19(4) Yeah... I just wanna sleep. ?
(5) Disrupted night, tired, stressed, but mood okay. Had plans to meet with presentation partner again today, but we decided to postpone it until Sunday. Greatly relieved, but I'm still waiting for the
20(7) First snow, now sunshine, and my current favourite singer Tellef Raabe on the radio - so far it's been a good morning. ?
(5) Mood dropped a bit, I'm tired, unmotivated and lazy. Just want to go to bed. My usual irrational thoughts start to creep out again, but I think it's still under control. Not efficient when it's dark.
21(4) Tired, stressed, unmotivated. Presentation meeting today, and the procrastination needs to stop, preferably yesterday (or some years ago). I've started working on my text, but god, why is it always
(5) Feeling better now. I've made some progress even if it's laughable considering how much time I had, but a bit of the anxiety and stress is gone and I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts. Which is
(6) Thanks for 3000+ hugs, dear Pandas. ? Every single one of them means a lot to me!
22(3) Tired, anxious and stressed. Thanks, procrastination.
(4) Huge urge to shut off all electronic devices, go to bed and sleep the time away; never to be seen again. Stress and anxiety are paralysing.
(5) The bright side of procrastination: lunch with avocado, tomato and pumpkin-hummus on whole-grain bread. Bon appétit!
(4) Yeah, I really don't want to do this presentation. Slightly panicky.
(4) And on top of it all the green-eyed monster suddenly rears its ugly head rather out of the blue. Not as bad as usual, just a stab in my guts and a reminder that I still have to deal with this topic.
23(6) Presentation over and done with. Thank god, I'm so relieved and full of adrenaline and energy. Really shit morning tho, skipped classes again and slept far too long. One more presentation on Thursday.24(5) Got up earlier to make use of the daylight since I'm not productive after it's getting dark outside. So far I'm not really motivated though, but let's start the day with some tea.
(6) Finished and submitted a task and hope the lecturer will still accept it (3 days late). Even though I got up rather early, I'm awfully slow. Still need to prepare the presentation for tomorrow, but
(3) Did I say the presentation tomorrow doesnt stress me out as much as yesterday's? Wrong. I don't think the topic is very difficult, but Im not making any progress and Im becoming more and more panicky.
25(4) Therapy session was okay. I haven't talked about my presentation-slip yesterday because I'm embarrassed and really disappointed in myself, but she told me about my small 'successes' this semester
(3) Spent whole day in bed. It's not the end of the world and I'll most likely pass all classes, but the disappointment in myself is overwhelming.
26(2) Back to crying after listening to my friend's audio message. Fucking fantastic. I've really thought I'm finally feeling more secure in our friendship after 1,5 weeks of really nice chats, but now
(4) Feeling a bit better. Tried to be open about some of my feelings and sent some pics of myself to a friend, which is a HUGE thing for me. Bit anxious (but also hopeful) about the reply.
27(5) Woke up at 4am, had trouble falling asleep again and eventually got up too late because I've been so tired. Went shopping, had some 'fresh' air and day light, but also felt slightly panicky and dizzy.
(6) Calm and content at the moment. Spent two hours listening to music, reading fanfics, and enjoying my clean flat in ambient lighting (residue Christmas fairy lights).
28(5) Ugh, tired tired tired. Woke up at 6am. On a Sunday. Yeah... Hope that my sleep will be better again after exam period. Not that I have done much learning already. Stresssss.
(5) Finally got back a feedback from the mental health assessment done by a group of MA psychology students in June last year. According to the interviews and questionnaires the result is Bipolar II for
29(4) Mood is okay, but I feel completely drained of all energy. Couldn't fall asleep, then had a short night, and got up 3 hours too late. Headache still there. Have to go to uni in a bit.
(5) Another two weeks off work. And I'm past feeling guilty, there simply isn't enough energy left in me to worry. Dead tired on my legs all day.
30(5) Tired, headache, uni, small pang of jealousy. Same old same old.
(4) I know I shouldn't expect someone to reply to all of my messages, especially not when they're long and the person is stressed, but I still hope for it and end up disappointed most of the time. I have
31(5) Still clinging to yesterday's disappointment, but I slept through the night until 6 am and feel a bit more rested.
(6) Still overwhelmed by everything, but hopeful and excited about my travel plans for April.
(5) I wish I had a personal yoga instructor at home to help me fall asleep. I could always go right to sleep after each session and I'm sure it'd even be a good and restful one.
February
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Getting up is getting easier. Slept for about 7 hours and feel okay so far. Still slow and easily fatigued, but I hope things are finally improving.
(6) Well, I basically overreacted on Tuesday and can see this now. I feel guilty because it was a very selfish behaviour (made even worse by my biology), but maybe it had its benefits after all. I could
(6) Good day. Walked to therapy and back home, and enjoyed the sunny weather. Felt really positive and calm. And it seems like the headache is finally gone. Can't wait for spring.
2(5) Woke up at 4 am, because I'd bashed my hand against the wall while sleeping. Still hurts. Bit tired and unmotivated, but looking forward to the sun today.
(5) Went shopping (bought shoes in sale! woohoo) and walked in the sun, did laundry, cooked lunch, and I think that's it. Pretty tired most of today, mood okay.
3(6) Got up early, went shopping and walking, and received a surprise package in the post. Grateful. But both unease and procrastination because of upcoming exams are increasing.4(5) Worried about possible dental problems. Hopefully it's just psychosomatic. It's not bad or very painful yet, but my whole head feels weird.
(6) 5,5 Pretty tired and unmotivated, but took a nice walk in the park today (sunshine) & had a great chat with friend. Done more household chores than uni stuff, teeth seem to be better? Still weird tho.
5(5) Loads to do (uni stuff to hand in this week and exam prep), bit tired, but I'm up and washed my hair. Went to bed with decongestant spray yesterday and teeth feel better today. So maybe it's my nose
(6) Dear god, I'm feeling highly motivated, positive and full of energy. My head is basically bursting with ideas, but I'm also kind of restless. Curious to see if this is the caffeine or something else.
(5) Not dreaded going to uni for once, enjoyed the sun, did household chores, and fell into bed deadtired at 9 pm. Nice day, but I didn't get much done for uni.
6(6) Slept for over 7 hours, feel only slightly tired, skipping two lectures because friend is sick. Trying to use time for uni tasks. Sun is shining again, good morning Pandas!
(5) Can't wait for these feelings of jealousy to get less and less and finally disappear even though they've already become slightly easier to handle. But still, not good and I don't like this part of me.
(4) Why am I so fucking good at self-delusion.
7(4) Talked to my mum yesterday, bit of trouble at home with my bro. After a while of being rather carefree about his problems ('He's got it under control!' No, he hasn't.) I'm right back to worrying about
(4) Beautiful weather outside doesn't stop me from crying. Head, feet, chest hurt. Tempted to skip yoga today. I know it might help me & that moping about the flat doesn't, but I don't feel like it.
(3) Told her I'm having a shit day which isn't unusual for me, but she asked if it's because of something she said and it might be the first time she's spot on and voiced it. I know I'm quite transparent
8(4) Maybe the Bipolar diagnosis wasn't so wrong in the end? I don't know. Confusing. Feeling a bit better than yesterday and working my way up to 5.
(5) Yesterday's again been a reminder of all the topics I still have to deal with. Maybe I want to tell myself something, hence all the reminder days lately. I don't have the time and energy right now
9(6) Maybe honesty to a certain degree isn't so bad after all, even if it wasn't me who made the first move. Surprising turn of events yesterday. And while I'm happy, I'm also scared at the same time.
(5) Physically not feeling well. Teeth hurt again, stuffed nose and no energy at all since noon. Could fall asleep standing. Mood okay, though. Grateful to have found such an understanding friend.
10(5) My head feels like it can't decide whether it wants to get sick or just annoy me with this low-level head cold sh*t.11(6) Feeling better physically. Woke up early, feel refreshed, but still have trouble to motivate myself to do important uni stuff. I just want to rest and steady myself for a bit longer.
(5) After decades of procrastination I finally finished two assignments. Glad. But also tired, hungry and the headache has returned. Worried about exams next week, I already know I have to resit them.
12(5) Not bad, but tired after a shitty night (woke up at 4.30 am bc of headache) & overwhelmed by all the small tasks I have & want to do. Clogging up my mind & not leaving much space for everything else.
(4) Fucking tired and moody. Just want to sleep, but can't even fall asleep when trying to take a nap. Want this day to be over.
(4) Tired, headache, doubting people's affection again. Hate this part of me, probably coming out again because of exhaustion. Feeling lonely and left out. Just want to sleep if only I could.
13(5) Better sleep last night, headache gone for now, feeling a bit better emotionally, but still slightly grumpy and left out. Last day of uni classes for this semester.
(5) Mood okay, last uni day. Glad that's over. Possible tendinitis in right thumb. Headache still under control, but I can feel it's there. Trying to keep screen time as short as possible & rest my eyes.
14(5) Pretty busy day. First day at work after 8 weeks collided with union strike, but I had a surprisingly good time (6). Good distraction, but directly afterwards mood dropped (4). I also went to yoga,15(6) Busy bee today. Loads to prepare before therapy, and then I'm going home to my parents for a few days. Not much time for the internet, but I hope all Pandas will have a good day!
(5) Picked up dad from airport after midnight, late to bed after 1 am. Tired ever since I could rest after boarding the bus. Mood okay, but everyone's a bit grumpy.
16(5) Short night, woke up at 6 am, and tired all day. Everyone's still grumpy and tired, but I at least enjoy cuddling and playing with cat. He seems to feel much better than the last time I saw him.17(6) Lazy day spent with reading and cuddling cat. Bit tired most of today, but thoroughly enjoyed quality time with cat.
(4) Suddenly feel like crying. Hard to control my insecure and jealous side. I know I shouldn't and can't compare people, but I keep doing it and only end up hurting myself in the process.
(3) Sucks when all of your self-esteem mostly depends on the attention of one person. 12 hours without a reaction to a message feel like the end is near. Hate my brain for this twisted logic and the pain.
18(5) Tired, feeling foolish, but also still a bit grumpy/hurt. Been very close to seeing everything as pointless again last night. Still not completely used to the inevitable ups and downs.
(5) Nothing much happened today. Talk with dad about uni not as bad as expected. Always busy with some task & always tired, so not much time spent on internet. Still a bit unwilling to chat. No idea why.
19(5) Tired (thank God I love that cat), unmotivated, moody. Just let me sleep for 3 years, please.
(5) Night-time melancholia
20(5) Can feel myself slipping back into old patterns of thoughts & behaviour. Annoyed with & disappointed in myself for wasting so much time despite knowing what's at stake. Still bad at handling stress.
(4) Don't wanna go back to Berlin, don't wanna go to uni, don't wanna go to work, don't wanna do anything, don't wanna be alone.
(5) Mood improved, but looking at my to-do-list for the next 2,5 weeks completely overwhelms me. But I guess it's manageable so no need to complain. Really tired now.
21(6) So far so good. Feel rested, but have a headache after first night in this bed. Managed to change today's shift to next Monday and have time to go to last yoga class and do some uni stuff. Grateful.
(6) On some days I catch myself starting to enjoy life again. This really gives me hope and encourages me not to attach so much importance on the still dominating bad and neutral days.
22(6) No headache after waking up (narrowing down culprits to my pillow), good therapy session, sun is shining, and I'm feeling quite calm and content. Preparing to go to work soon.
(5) Most of today's been good, even though I'm feeling like crap right now, that's why I'm willing to log a 5. Work was okay, booked my flight to Glasgow, was relatively good organised throughout the day,
(4)
23(4) Still feeling down. Going to Ikea with friends today. Probably a good distraction, but I'd rather stay in bed all day. Friend asked if we want to watch a film tonight. It's the only time when I have
(5) Great trip to Ikea, enjoyed spending time, talking and laughing with friends. Also feel better now after writing down some thoughts about friend and my reaction. Not sure if I should tell her or not.
24(5) Woke up at 4.30 am, tired, mood okay, still feel a bit weird after yesterday's talk with friend about my behaviour. It was positive, but I still feel like a failure. Went shopping and walked in sun.
(5) Still mild, but continuing problems with my ears. Left one hurt yesterday. Took a nap in the sun, but got nothing of importance done. Feeling guilty, but keep procrastinating.
(4) Mistakes and regrets
25(5) Lazy. Bit overwhelmed with uni stuff. Flat getting untidy. Really need to learn to better handle my triggers. Or finally start to work them out.
(6) If it wasn't for all the uni stuff making itself known almost every second of the day, I'm almost having a nice and calm evening. Cleaned flat a bit, showered, cooked, now watching tv and relaxing.
26(6) Nice time at work, spent most of it talking to my boss. Really tired when I came home and relaxed on my bed reading and playing games. Guilty of not studying.27(6) Slept far longer than intended and keep on wasting time, but also kind of enjoyed myself this morning. Sunshine, new yoga class starts today. Really need to start studying. 300 days on MP. ???
(5) Doubt, stress and unease creeping in. Wasting so much time and absolutely not able to bring myself to study. Cleaning flat a bit, soon going to yoga. Hopefully not too tired after to read some texts.
28(5) Why can I only fall deeply asleep 5 minutes before my alarm goes off? Then I turn it off, keep sleeping and wake up feeling exhausted much later than I wanted to get up.
(5) Work was okay (6), but feeling down now (4). Kinda want to cry, but it's not despair, just sadness. Melancholia. Tired of my own stupid behaviour and the results I still have to deal with.
(4) The sadness won't leave me alone tonight.
March
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Feeling better, okay time at work, bit boring sometimes but had chocolate, exhausted from cold weather, saw friend to get instructed about catsitting starting tomorrow. Mood okay, just really tired.2(5) Therapy was okay, sun was shining, cat was happy to not be alone for some time, head hurt all day, and I didn't eat enough = tired all the time. Feeling lazy and guilty and tired.
(6) My new friend for the weekend! ? https://www.instagram.com/p/Bf1FmHiDdJp/
3(5) Horrible night. Awake at 0.40, 2.00, 4.45 and 6.50 am. Tired, tired, tired. Still in bed and don't want to get up. Need to buy food and see cat though. Grumpy.
(6) More upbeat and energetic than I should be after this night. Enjoying quality time with weekend-cat.
4(6) Better (woke up once at 5.50 am), but short night. Finally managed some uni stuff really late last night & felt good. Helped & calmed down friend by listening to her problems. Sunshine & cat.
(5) Goddamn tired. After last night's 'study success', which made me feel so good, I wonder why I'm having such a hard time to motivate myself to start doing uni stuff. Talking and all is good, but I
5(5) Woke up at 4 am, gave up on sleep at 5.30 am. Sometimes I'd love some sleeping pills, but I don't think it's that bad yet and meditation might also do the trick. I just need to do it. Ha.
(5) Whenever certain topics come up I instantly feel alone and left out, no matter how hard I try to stay neutral. It's like standing behind a fence and looking through the holes at what's happening
(4) Low energy, low mood, non-existent motivation. Cat wants to play while I'm imitating a corpse on the carpet. Sorry cat for being boring.
(5) Just kind of blah today. Can't blame just my non-sleep though. Just don't know what to do with myself. Want to go to cinema this week, really looking forward though mixed feelings regarding the topic.
6(4) Yesterday's been a bit hard emotion-wise thanks to lack of sleep and I'm still fighting some of them today. Feel like a shit friend and human being. Brain, stop feeling left out when it was you who
(4) One of these days when I'd rather stop existing than keep on enduring this pointless waste of time.
(3) Down down down
7(4) Slept through the night, so energy should be a bit better today. Still feeling low and unmotivated. Worried about friend in hospital today. It's only a routine operation, but I'm still anxious.
(6) From su*cidal ideation to elated and content (for now) in less than 12 hours. Right. Worked all day with boss on a new concept, good distraction. Friend awake again and relatively well. Relieved.
8(5) Tired and bit moody. Disrupted night, good time at work, exhausted and unmotivated afterwards. Slight headache and I'm bored.9(5) Awake since 4 am, so tired, feeling absolutely whacked. Mood is quite affected by this, can't pretend to be happy today. Gonna drink 5 litre of tea now.
(6) Ikea again, spent too much time there with friend, but worth it. Feeling more like a human again, but everything is a bit slow and weird today thanks to the lack of sleep.
(4) Lonely
10(5) Tiny bit longer night, but really weird dream. Even there people always reject me. Thanks for the reminder, brain. Tea does the trick again.11(6) Okay, I really can't fight logging a 6 any longer. Right now I'm feeling quite good. Slept a bit longer, sun is shining and spring has arrived.
(5) hm. had to happen.
12(5) Professional procrastinator hard at work.
(4) zero motivation, no perspective, super tired, grey and rainy, uni sucks.
(3) I'd love to quit, but then what? There's no point to this existence.
(2)
13(3) Don't know how I'm feeling. Incredibly embarrassed and disappointed. Want to cancel trip home on Thursday and therapy next week. Body is a bloody traitor for being hungry.
(3) Tired and down all day, went to yoga and grocery shopping but hated every minute of it even though it probably did me some good. Haven't eaten much and had circulation issues all day.
14(4) Again a disrupted night, still flirting with hopelessness and SI, but already out of bed and about to eat breakfast. Called in sick at work today. Will try to get some uni stuff done.
(3) I'm not strong enough.
15(4) Work was a good distraction, I'm feeling a bit better. But I also realised that I can't distract myself every moment of every day for the rest of my life just to not end this all sooner than intended.16(5) On my way to parents. Cancelled trip yesterday due to feeling sick and depressed, but things are slightly less black at the moment and I'm hoping for some distraction and to (force-)cuddle with cat.
(6) Cat did the trick.
17(6) My first real snow day this winter! Loved it (as did Miezer). ???? https://instagram.com/p/BgcAuuIgQoX/18(5) 5.5 productive morning, then a very lazy Sunday. Read, ate, and took a nap. Enjoyed staying inside on this cold winter day. Unease started creeping in.
19(5) Bit tired. Had a nice weekend at my parents. Reality of my problems in Berlin slowly seeping in. All I want to do is read fanfics, eat and sleep. Basically running away from everything as usual.
(4) Sometimes I wonder why I talk about myself at all when it just gets ignored anyway. I know this is childish and overreacting, and I've been triggered again which just makes everything 10 times worse.
(5) It's my own insecurities that hurt me and make me lash out. Still don't understand all these contradicting emotions. 5 only because I visited my grandpa today. Everything else still hurts.
20(5) Up, down and neutral today. Mood a weird mixture of wanting to end it all and looking forward to new experiences.21(4) Lonely, overthinking, resigning. Don't want to get up, don't want to go to work, just want to sleep forever. But I also want tea.
(5) So. Tired. Exhausted really. Just, from what? Work today, then grocery shopping and now lying on bed for hours already. Mood up and down again today.
22(5) From almost crying to force-smiling and pretending everything's all right. Rinse and repeat.
(4) Tired, headache, pms, spontaneous crying, slight paranoia, irrational thinking and anxiety returning. Don't understand myself anymore.
23(5) Headache half of the night, awake at 1/3/5 am, unmotivated, sad, still horribly emotional, need for tea, otherwise no idea what to do with myself.
(4) Feel like I'm about to turn into Hulk. Angry, frustrated, stressed, sad, lonely, anxious. Only first world problems, but I really want to demolish something.
(3) Can I please just sleep for some months or years?
(5) Glad today is almost over. Started deep cleaning my bathroom. Whatever happens next, at least the bathroom will be tidy.
24(6) Tentative 6. Definitely better than yesterday, but still random bouts of crying. Sun came out in the afternoon, started to clean my flat (but at all places at the same time, big chaos ensued),25(6) (Hopefully) finally free from the su*cide hormones, thank fcuk! Sunny and warm outside, continued cleaning flat (at this rate it'll take weeks but who cares) and feeling mostly good if a bit restless.
26(6) Done nothing productive, but still had a good time.27(5) More flat cleaning,felt slightly overwhelmed with all remaining tasks. Yoga helped me calm down, but now I'm really tired and on the verge of crying. Funny how being tired makes me so damn emotional.
(4) I only want to feel like I belong somewhere, so why is it that the biggest obstacle in my way is me?
28(4) Sleeping should have helped, but I'm still feeling bla. Stress is getting to me, feeling a bit overwhelmed and isolated by my own emotions. Work today, then appt with psychologist. Just wanna sleep.
(3) Called in sick at work, and most likely won't go tomorrow either. I know I should push myself, but for what. Pointless.
29(3) I'm such an arsehole and I don't know how to stop being one.
(5) 3 hours of sleep tonight. Stayed home again, finished cleaning flat (good feeling) and on the bus to my parents now. Feeling better than this morning, but still chewing on certain topics.
(4) And back down.
30(5) Ups & downs. Short night, lazy day, walk in the sun, playtime with cat, tired all day. Contradicting emotions & not brave (or stupid?) enough to do what's maybe for the best. Or to just get over it.31(4) Still can't make up my mind if it's okay to tell someone that certain topics 'trigger' me without meaning to insult or upset them. I've wanted to wait until I'm over it so I wouldn't have to address
(6) Nice lazy day after a short emotional crisis this morning. Home alone with bro and cat. Took my time doing things, relaxed a lot and took a bath. Early to bed.
April
MTWTFSS
      1(4) Okay morning, though tired, lazy & uninspired. Now mood's gone down again & even more unmotivated than before. I don't want these negative automatic reactions for the rest of my life; it's exhausting.
(5) Distracted myself with tidying out my old room at my parents. Made good progress and felt lighter afterwards. Then watching tv with bro and playing with cat. Mood much better than this morning.
2(6) Not much internet today, felt good. Parents back, not as much progress at tidying out as hoped, but beautiful weather and played with cat. Bit tired, but mind mostly quiet today.3(5) Tired, unmotivated, overthinking. Worried it might turn into some neurotic/paranoid thinking again. Hard to concentrate on sorting thoughts with people around me.
(6) Mood slowly improved, visited grandpa, had some cake, received nice messages from friend to abate some of my neurotic thoughts, just pretty tired all day, but also calmer.
4(6) Nice day, shopping with mum, over 20°C and sunshine most of the day, nice food, playtime with cat, just bloody tired most of the time. Taking it slow and enjoying quality time with cat.5(6) Another nice day, check up at dentist, walking, playing with cat, still taking it slow & not spending much time online. Quite calm & relaxed, just still very tired & early to bed every day this week.6(7) Happiness is a warm cuddly cat in bed with you. Sunshine, not so tired, great mood for the start into the day. Bit stressed with everything left to do, but also still rather energetic. Thanks tea!7(5) Pretty hectic, but okay day. Last minute packing, chatting with friend who stayed over, tired and stressed most of today. Late to bed.8(5) Short night, tired. Longish and tiresome travel to Glasgow, but arrived safely. Exhausted after arriving at my host's place and stayed in. Scones for dinner.
9(6) Visited kindergarden my friend's doing her internship at. Spent all day with her and her school mates and visited People's Palace and Riverside Museum. Walked 25K. Sun after 3pm.10(6) Science Center with friend's kindergarden group, lots of fun but also physically exhausted. Enjoy spending time with friend and her mates. Not lonely and barely overthinking.11(5) Lazy day, very tired and sluggish, affects mood. Only got into town past 1pm. Could have spend hours at Waterstones. Tried deep fried mars bar for the first and probably last time. ?12(6) First time alone walking through city centre, then meeting with friends at Botanic Garden. First time during my stay that I really liked Glasgow and could see myself coming back. Loved the West End.13(6) Glasgow Cathedral, Necropolis, Kelvingrove Art Gallery, Botanic Garden again. Rain all day, but great time just with friend.14(7) Day trip to Isle of Bute. Sunshine, beautiful manor (Mount Stuart), relaxing beach walk, and seals! Bute-iful day with lovely people. ???15(6) Last day spent with hardcore shopping, lots of walking and last minute tourist attractions. Had dinner with friend at her hotel. Very tired, but bittersweet saying goodbye.
16(5) Packing, writing postcards, very last minute shopping. Stressed and hectic, but made it to airport in time. Very tired and bored, but had a complete row of seats to myself.
(3) Arrived safely back in Berlin, but disappointed by (non-) reactions of family and friends to „I'm back“ messages. Exhausted, annoyed, lonely, overwhelmed. Welcome back to Berlin.
17(4) Overslept, skipped uni, low mood all day, physically exhausted, overwhelmed. Dragged myself to therapy and grocery shopping, but other than that avoided all human contact. Still angry & disappointed.18(3) Dream of my brother being missed continued tonight. Took me far too long to realise he's at home sleeping. Hard to calm down.
(5) First day back at uni. Feeling overwhelmed with all the people, noises and smells. Questioning every decision I've ever made. Don't really wanna be here, but at least the weather is great.
(4) Thank God for sunglasses. Can't keep away the tears and crashing feeling of hopelessness. Pressure on chest, irritated and overwhelmed by practically everything. Lonely. The person I want to talk to
(3) More crying, insecurities and overthinking. Want it to stop. Want every noise surrounding me to disappear. Don't want to be so emotionally clingy. Fucking hate everything and most of all myself.
(2) This guy is driving me mad.
19(5) Feeling a bit more like a human again, and less like Ms Hyde. Period started, relieved, but I don't know how many more of these horror PMS I can endure.20(6) More 5.5 but all in all a good day. Bit bored and bothered by heat at work, but alone with fav colleague, then spent 5 hours at friend's place and got fed with ice cream and fruits. Bonus cat cuddles.21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons