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January
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February
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March
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April
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May
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(4) Waiting for class to start and trying out this app to not feel completely alone in the world after a mental breakdown yesterday. #anxious #depressed #hopeless #lonely
(5) Tired. Need to buy food. Coming home first was a mistake. Now I have to drag myself out again.
6(6) Good morning! Not a great night (woke up at 4am, then stayed awake for almost 3 hours before falling asleep again), I feel like hit by a car, but mood okay so far and I intend to keep it like that. :)
(5) It's really strange how a message by a close (rn only) friend can make my mood drop even though she didn't write anything bad & always tries to keep me involved. Yet, lately I've always felt left out.
(5) Tired. Dark thoughts starting to creep back in, but I'm still trying to not let them overwhelm me. Feeling better than the last days, but still uneasy and restless. Sleeping this night would be great.
7(6) Managed 4,5 hours of sleep. Tired, but tea helps. Thoughts racing. Strangely energetic despite short night. Feel like I want to do everything at once, but in a pos way. A bit overwhelming but not bad.
(7) My thoughts are much clearer than they have been for weeks and I've decided to take a risk and talk about certain topics with my friend. She's also dealt with depression and might be understanding.
(9) Really good and somewhat productive day. Felt restless and had a million thoughts but was in high spirits. Long and honest talk with a friend. Haven't felt so good in a long time.
8(6) Long day at work & uni from 7 am to 8 pm, not enough sleep last night, felt tired the whole day but still active. Thoughts come and go and I try no to hang on to the negative ones. I just wanna sleep.9(7) I seriously wonder if I've been misdiagnosed, or if it's just a coincidence right now. Does dysthymia occur with hypomania? Maybe it's not even hypomania and I'm just overthinking again. Confused.10(3) Seems like the good days are over. Welcome back, worthlessness. Yesterday I wanted to hug the whole world and tell everyone that I love them, tonight I want to vanish and hate myself in peace.11(4) Thanks to my overactive brain in the last days I hadn't yet managed to have The Talk with my friend and now I'm back to shutting down again & hating everyone and everything. You hate me & I hate me.
(6)
12(7) 13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14(7)
15(6) 16(6) The last days have been rather good with a few bumps, but whenever I'm not spending the majority of my time on the internet it's a good sign. Caught a cold though. In May. Wonderful.17(7) Finally my internet is back. Today started not so good but I managed to kick my bad mood in the arse and then the day improved. Now I'm getting tired and a bit moody, but that's normal.18(6) Therapy was okay but my therapist wasn't so keen on my plan to tell my friend what's bothering me lately, probably because it's *my* problem and not my friend's, and there is a high possibility she
(4) Mood keeps on dropping, thoughts keep on getting more negative, loneliness keeps increasing. I hate this, but I hate myself more.
19(5) Don't feel like getting up. Don't feel like going to uni. Don't feel like staying in bed. I don't know what the f*ck I want. Everything is exhausting.
(3) I always make the same mistakes. I know that logging into my old blog will most likely cause a breakdown, but I didn't want to make it into more of a trigger as it already is so I logged in and
(3) Am I dysthymic, depressed, bipolar, borderline, neither? I really wish there was an easy answer to this so that I could start focussing on getting better.
(5) Skipped uni today & feel guilty. I'm super slow after my minor breakdown earlier. But I feel calmer now & meet with a friend for coffee & cake later. Hope this will take my mind off things for a while
(6) Had a great time with my friend, but being home and alone is always tricky. The internet is my best friend and worst enemy at the same time. So easy to get lost in illusions.
20(5) Strange night so far. Fell asleep after midnight, had nightmare, woke up at 1.30am, was paranoid, fell asleep again, woke up deadtired at 4.30am and now I'm more awake than tired and can't sleep...
(5) It's been an up and down day, again. Not as bad as yesterday, but there's still some time left. I'm afraid I'm slipping more and more into my depressed mood again. It's been some refreshing two weeks.
(3) Down, down, down.
21(4) My flat is a mess, my academic career is a mess, my friendships are a mess, my family life is almost a mess. I can't get anything done, I haven't made progress in years & I'm so tired of myself.
(4) Is it called projecting when I'm miserable and blaming everyone else for it but me, even though I'm the one at fault and also dimly aware of it in a small but far away corner of my head?
(5) I've just found out about a term used in the BPD community and I still have to do some more research, but this sounds totally like me and what I'm doing, have been doing for years.
(4) No, I don't want to have a FP. This is ridiculous and stupid and I've already ruined everything anyway. I should just delete all social media and messengers and become a hermit.
22(4) It can only be a good day when you start it by crying into your breakfast.
(6) Today definitely improved from crying into my oatmeal to feeling relatively calm and content. I'm tired and will probably turn in early to preserve this feeling.
23(5) After feeling really good for most of today it's back to feeling anxious, subtly annoyed, tense and overall not so great. I need to figure out what my triggers are and how to avoid them.
(5) Why does talking with you continue to make me feel so on edge? I'm scared we've lost our connection and that it's my fault.
24(3) I just manage to get myself more and more down. Wish I could sleep so that this loneliness, anger, guilt, pity, and self-hatred were gone for a short while.
(5) Does it help to write down all the things you want to tell someone, knowing you can't ever do because they're more than a bit not good? I'm ready to burst.
(5) I don't really want to take meds (and probably don't need them), but sometimes I wish for a bit more mental stability to power through the bad spells without always ending up in complete despair.
25(5) Woke up at 6am & continued to sleep until 10am. Not sure if I needed the sleep or if it's the depression. But as it's a public holiday it doesn't really matter. Need to tackle some uni tasks, though.
(5) Headache. No motivation. Flat still a mess. The only thing I'm looking forward to today is the pasta I'll have for lunch.
(5) What should I do if a friend ignores my messages for 2,5 months? Keep asking if she's okay or just wait for her to reply? I'm worried, but if I'm the reason she ignores me I don't want to bother her.
(4) Feeling anxious after reading a friend's post. Brought back a lot of problems and thoughts I've unsuccesfully tried to suppress for months. Need to distract myself or I'll go crazy.
(3) I don't want to end things with you, but I'm still not sure if it wouldn't be the best for you.
(4) I'm just so damn tired of everything and myself.
26(5) Feeling a bit better today after completely wasting yesterday. Still in the throes of pms so I don't have high hopes for the rest of day, but just not constantly wanting to die is progress.
(7) Bought loads of veggies & fruits, did the laundry, cleaned my flat a bit, tackled a trigger & held the breakdown at bay, showered = self-care? :) Today turned out far better than expected & I'm GLAD.
27(7) Good morning Pandas! I hope every single one of you will have a great day filled with sunshine, friendly people, good food or whatever else it is you're longing for right now. Be happy. :)28(6) Allowed some sad memories and feelings to flow through me for a while and then managed to distract myself enough to make them retract again. I still don't know how to overcome and let go of them,
(5) Extremely overwhelmed with everything I have to do for uni and I'm so far behind. Anxious, stressed, not able to concentrate, racing heartbeat and somehow I feel like there's no (mental) space left
29(5) Bitter Bitch mode activated. No idea if it's me or everyone else but today is testing my nerves.
(5) First time I felt good today, almost fell asleep and had the stupid idea to check my phone for messages. There were some but I don't know what caused my sudden mood swing. Feeling worthless and
30(5) Still haven't talked with my friend about some issues, despite trying to hold on to my plan to talk to her (very hard, still want to sabotage myself every chance I get). Meanwhile almost every message31(5) Yesterday ended on a really good note and mood, and I'm still okay, but uni can be quite the mood dumper. I want to graduate so badly but don't get things done. I'm stuck in this unproductive hell.
(5) The feeling of bone-deep fatigue is back. I haven't missed it in the past weeks (even though I was far from feeling well rested), and I don't know where it's coming from but I'm just so tired.
(5) One thing to be grateful for: my brother passed his last exam today, is now finally done with his finals & graduatimg from High School. I'm really glad this is over w/o any major catastrophes. :)
(6) Back from Yoga class, feel a bit better and calmer, less annoyed and frustrated like the rest of the day. Maaaaybe I should really make this a daily activity and see if it helps long-term.
June
MTWTFSS
   1(8) Had a surprisingly good day. Busy at work, good therapy session, then met with a friend and went shopping. Now my mood is dropping a bit, but I guess it's because I'm tired and still have a lot to do.2(7) Today was good. Sunshine and good mood. Not much time for the internet. Mood dropping now that I'm tired. Also battling against my allergies, it's that time of the year again.3(5) Does anyone know what happened to Rohrschach?
(5) Was pretty tired and had to clean the house with my mum, but all was good. Now my mood's going down just because of one single word a friend used in one of her messages and I don't
(5) Feeling tired and lonely. Why do I always want to be someone special to people I often barely know. Or: how do I stop hating myself so that I'm content with myself when I'm alone.
4(4) Woke up moody, then it got even worse, still fretting over that one word from yesterday, and have to play pretend everything is fine for a family get-together in a bit. Tired, down, want to be alone.
(4) I'm in such a foul mood and every little thing just riles me up further. I'm bored and glued to my phone waiting for people to talk to me. No one does. Frustrated. Annoyed. Mostly at myself.
5(5) Tired.6(6) 7(4) Stressed, panicked, overwhelmed with my inability to organise my own life. One moment I don't care about consequences, the next I'm not able to get rid of the anxiety and panic.
(5) Feel a bit better, but today was wasted and has shown I haven't really made progress. My self-sabotaging is still going strong and I can't see a future for myself. I'm stuck in limbo it seems.
8(5) One of these days I won't get up in the morning and just stay in bed for the whole day. I can feel it coming.
(5) Today was okay, I'm just awfully tired. And after listening to some voice messages my mood's dropping really fast. I don't understand why I do what I do when my friend talks about a certain topic but
(5) I don't want to dwell on the negativity and irrationality. I would like to understand the reason for my reactions or if I'm just a bad person. Maybe I have to talk to my therapist about it again.
(5) So many people say 'I'm always here for you', but I can't think of anyone I could tell that most of the time I don't want to live anymore. Not their problem.
9(5) It could be a nice day, sunshine and all, if it wasn't for my self-hatred. Mood killer.
(5) Class ended early today, I enjoyed the sunshine, earned some extra cash, so not a bad day. Then I fell asleep after lunch and wasted a lot of time. Bit moody/tired, but still okay I guess.
10(5) Tired. Just woke up and already want today to be over. Dreamed of an old friend who ignores my messages for 3 months. Bittersweet. At first I didn't realise it was just a dream, and I felt hopeful.
(4) Why can't I just be a selfless and caring friend instead of this selfish insensitive clueless creature I've become.
(4) I keep wondering if my current type of therapy is enough to help me get better or if I should change to CBT. But is this really needed to change my neg thought patterns or is talking enough? Confused.
(4) Started reading a text for uni, didn't understand a thing and feel like giving up. My brain has dissolved, I'm nothing but a dumb anymore.
11(6) Was at a birthday party yesterday and that was probably the best thing I could have done. Splendid company and distraction. Went to bed at 4am, but I'm already awake again.
(5) Fell asleep again, woke up 3 hours later feeling worse both physically and mentally. Now that I'm back in my own prison aka flat my depression has full reign over me.
(4) Bye bye sanity.
(3) Unintentionally depriving myself of food again. I don't even notice this anymore.
(4) Why bother telling people how I feel when they don't believe me anyway. I'm so sick of my non-existent skills in communication.
(2) I don't want this life anymore.
12(5) Feeling a bit better than yesterday. Not as suicidal, but I'm back to sleeping for hours and already missed my extra shift at work, couldn't use the time to prepare for uni and my flat is a mess.
(5) I hate audio messages. Anxiety triggers par excellence. I'm glad to receive messages and I know she's busy, but not having a preview of the content is the worst for my neurotic brain.
(6) Feeling so much better than the last days. I don't know why, or how long it'll last but for now I'm glad.
13(5) Just woke up 2 hours before my alarm, feeling panicky, anxious and worried about I don't even know what. Calm down heart. Also feeling absolutely worthless again. Nice how reliable this feeling is.
(5) Hungry, annoyed, back to overthinking and feeling miserable. I'd love to know why I obsess over this one topic so much & how to change it. It's not my only problem but the one I prioritise right now.
(4) Alone at work (1/5 colleagues), another division is short of staff, too, and requested help from us which is impossoble because I can't cut myself in two. Phone is also ringing non-stop, and we still
(6) Feeling quite good at the moment. Finished work, spontaneously met with a friend, made a tasty dinner and I'm having a good convo with a friend. If it wasn't for uni stuff it'd be a great evening.
(5) If the irrational thoughts would stop for just one day I'd be so glad. It feels like this has been going on forever, but it's really just a few months. Can I make it stop again? It's exhausting
14(4) Oh god, just woke up in the middle of the night again feeling anxious and panicky. No panic attack, but it must be my guilty conscience about uni. I f**ked up again.
(4) My guilty conscience won't let me sleep or rest. Which is okay because I don't deserve better, but damn uni, damn depression, damn me. Such a colossal clusterf**k.
(6) Feeling slightly better after working from home for 1,5 h (extra shift bc of tons of emails), which is funny bc there's still the failed presentation breathing down my neck. Have a doc app in an hour.
(6) Good doc app. After months of debating, waiting & hesitating to talk to my therapist about it I've finally got a prescription for St. Johns Wort pills. I really hope that they'll improve my mood.
(7) Cleaned my flat, about to go to my yoga class and haven't the faintest idea where this energy and good mood is coming from. I want to store it for the next days, please.
(7) Almost fell asleep thrice during yoga. Good session. I'm still feeling good, just a
15(6) Bit tired, but busy at work so (hopefully) not much time for worrying, overthinking and the internet. Feelig quite good.
(8) Busy busy busy. Work, therapy, eating ice with friend, having good and funny chats with friends, listening to music from my teens. Life is good.
16(6) Had too much fun chatting with a friend yesterday and ended up going to bed 3 hours later than intended. 5 hours of sleep were gone in the blink of an eye. Really tired but still rather cheerful.
(5) Slight mood drop. Annoyed bc of traffic jam on the highway, lagging mobile internet connection and my neediness to get constant attention from a specific person which I'm not getting at the moment.
(7) Having a good time with my family at my brother's graduation party.
(5) In a bit of a mood, most likely because I'm so tired. Annoyed, exhausted, melancholic. Hoping sleep will help me get out of this slump again.
17(5) (Relatively) wide awake at 3.30am. Tried to trick the cat into my bed but didn't work. ?? What do you even do at this hour to fall back asleep? Can't believe I'm already rested enough.
(5) Just kind of annoyed right now. I'm at my parents and have plenty of things to do, but I'm still irritated I don't have time for the internet. Stupid, bc I should appreciate time away from the web.
(5) Completely behind in updating my mood diary (and here), uni tasks and answering mails for work in addition to my failing communication skills. It all adds up and is responsible for my moodiness today.
(5) Just checked my sleep tracking app, and last night I went to bed slightly before midnight and woke up at 2, 3.20, 4.50, and 5.30 am. Wtf Brain. Explains a lot about today.
18(4) I'm only getting worse. Hate this feeling of pure worthlessness. But I believe it, it's the only thing telling me the truth.
(5) Always. So. Tired.
(5) I don't have much control over my emotions these days. I'm angry at myself for being angry at others because it's actually just disappointment in myself that makes me angry. Confusing.
(6) My problem with venting: it helps, but I'm still expecting someone to hand me the solution to my problems on a silver platter. And so disappointment automatically ensues.
(5) The whole weekend I was annoyed bc of a friend not responding to a very long text I sent her. It was nothing important and didn't need a reply, and I know it's petty, but it hurt to feel so invisible
19(5) Tired. Can't sleep and it's barely something past 4 am. This will be a great day.
(6) Horrible night and now I'm stuck at my parents because of some technical problems concerning trains in the whole country. Means I'll skip uni today, which stresses me a bit but I'm strangely okay rn.
(5) Still at my parents bc I didn't have any internet or telephone connection from 1pm to 11.30 pm (no mobile, no wifi, nothing worked) and so couldn't check the train damage status or even buy a ticket.
20(4) Making myself cry over trivial things first thing in the morning. I'm still so bitter. Will this ever end? The worst is how I can make me feel worse and worse so effortlessly.
(4) Tired, stressed, annoyed, sad, guilty - the whole package for breakfast, made even worse thanks to pms.
(3) Close to having a fucking emotional breakdown on public transport. Loving this day.
(5) At work. The last place where I wanted to be 2 hours ago, but it has helped me to calm down a bit. Not on the edge if crying anymore, just highly irritable by minor things. Also have a headache.
(4) Crying over old issues again. Funny how long I'm holding on to those bad memories and how intense they still are. Lack of sleep may just intensify everything today. So tired. I just want to be content
(5) Turning in early. Too tired to function. Hopefully I'll fall asleep fast despite the short nap I just took. Good night, Pandas!
21(5) Feeling a bit better today. At least I slept until my alarm went off. Headache still there though.
(6) Lay in bed a bit more and feel so much better than yesterday. Could it really be that the lack of sleep in the past week was responsible for a majority of my bad mood lately?
(4) Anxious before class. Hope it passes soon and uneventfully.
(5) Back in the sanctuary of my flat. Still feeling a bit anxious and uneasy, but it's lessening. Seems like I won't fail the class where I could give the presentation last week. Though not 100% sure yet.
(6) Back from Yoga. Tired. Showered. Had dinner. Will watch a TV series and then go to bed.
(5) Lately messages from my friend read at night tend to bring me down even though they're never bad. I'm still so scared we've lost our connection and I can't find the right words to talk about it.
(5) Trying to fall asleep without the TV on in the background for the first time in months. I'll also turn off the wifi and maybe listen to some meditation tr
22(6) Night was okay, woke up once at 4am, and I'm at work now. Mood is okay, just a bit tired and bored.
(5) Not so good therapy session. I was in a good mood & looking forward to today's session after last week's good one, but today we just talked about my failed academic career and I hate talking about it.
(5) So so so tired. Just fell asleep for half an hour and don't want to get up and do anything. Should go grocery shopping now that the thunderstorm is over, but gnah.
(5) Mood's dropping after reading friend's messages. No idea why my brain insists on holding onto this grudge for almost a week now when I know it's stupid banal stuff, but I still feel ignored & useless.
(4) I've felt invisible for over so long, so why does it still hurt so much especially when it's probably only happening inside my head? So tired of this feeling & mistreating my friends bc of this.
(4) What I really dislike about myself is how I unconsciously blame other people for my discontentment. As if I wasn't the
23(5) Kind of low-key annoyed again. Tired, unmotivated, no interest in anything. Great.
(5) Feeling a bit better, but it's still just a 5 day. Just had some chocolate, the best part of today so far.
(4) Why do we choose favourites? Why does my brain think it's a good idea to become so dependent on one person especially when I'm just one of many for them? I want to be ok with this, but I forgot how.
(4) 'Wenn du wüsstest, wie oft ich an dich denke - ich würd' dir leid tun' - song and lyrics of today.
24(5) Tired. Headache. Drinking tea and hope to start the day.
(5) Planning a holiday should be a great activity, but somehow it's stressing me out more than it's being fun. So many decisions to make, and I'm chronically indecisive.
(5) I know I have to be patient, but I wish the St. John's Wort would work faster. It's only been 1,5 weeks, but I wish I had more mental strength in those times of seemingly endless stress.
(6) Today has been really slow and rather semi. Got up late, had late breakfast and lunch, went grocery shopping and got none of my important task done so far. Thank you, procrastination. Tired again.
(6) Things I'm grateful for today: my friends, strawberries, Sherlock.
25(7) If for one day I don't have to compare myself to others and just can enjoy what is it's a good day.
(6) Tired. Went to bed after 2am, woke up at 7am and fell asleep again until 10am. Still tired and still not interested in any of my tasks. Tea first, then shower and then.. we'll see.
(5) Dissatisfied with today. Wasted a lot of time, finished none of my tasks bc of hardcore procrastination, feeling guilty and incredibly tired, stuck in wrong habits and disappointed with myself.
26(6) Busy, tired, stressed, but mood was quite alright all day long.27(4) Really annoyed, stressed and worried. It's one of those days that start promising and progressively get worse. Alone at work again, the phone won't stop ringing and I'm frustrated.
(6) Resolved one problem, felt immensely better and lighter. Went to the cinema with a friend and enjoyed the film, now I'm feeling good but really tired and have a light headache. Will go to bed early.
28(4) Anxious because of uni again. When will this ever stop. (Hoping to catch up with your comments and entries soon!)
(5) Tired and headache all day. No yoga today because I didn't feel well. Feeling low now because I'm not the friend I want to be.
(4) Feeling so lonely again. Is this a stress reaction or is reality catching up with me?
29(4) Just sad and empty.
(4) Rain all day, feeling down, afraid to check uni mails, ignoring friends' messages, wallowing in self-pity, eating junk food and hiding away from the world.
(4) Why does anyone bother with me at all. I'm nothing but a selfish ignorant delusional prat. It seems unfair to continue those friendships when all they get out of it is me.
30(6) Feeling better than yesterday. I know I have to work hard to not fall down this dark pit of despair again, but for now it's okay.
(6) Finally something good happened in Germany. Marriage equality is now official. This took forever, but it's time to celebrate. #ehefüralle ??????
(5) Constant headache for days now, tired, bit moody, just want to sleep and forget all self-induced problems.
July
MTWTFSS
     1(5) I'm the one doing this / There's no other way / It's nobody's fault / No guilty party / We just got nothing left to say https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71xmrULJ-ms
(5) Everytime I finally want to talk to my friend about my 'problem' and her role in it, something happens in her life. Nothing too bad, but it reminds me of how stupid some of my issues are.
2(5) Now that the constant rain has stopped I thought my persisting headache would be gone, too. Still there though. Wonder if my bed/pillow is part of the problem. Feel like shit after this night.
(5) Thinking about my conflicting feelings towards some friends. Probably will never know why it's the way it is, but I'm wondering if I'm unintentionally manipulating them again. Hateful character trait.
(4) Been feeling on edge the whole day. Tight chest, slightly nauseous, racing thoughts, elevated heartbeat, anxious, nervous, restless, just altogether not good. Can't seem to calm myself down.
(5) Have to go to a concert tonight. Should be happy and looking forward to it, but I'm not. Wish it was over already and me back in my bed. Off to Arcade Fire, enjoy your evening/day, Pandas!
3(7) Back from the concert. Had a great time with an old friend, but we got lost on our way back and it's much later than expected. Dead tired, but feeling good. Expecting slightly sore muscles tomorrow.
(6) Managed to roll out of bed at 10 am. Physically exhausted, voice is a mess, still feeling the one(!) beer I had. #seriouslightweight But mood is still good. Grateful for waking up feeling like this.
(6) Thinking back to last night, how different going to bed was compared to the last months. No dark thoughts, no overthinking, just sleep claiming me fast and I feeling a lot like I used to years ago.
(5) Today was mostly good, been tired all day, but wide awake now that I'm finally in bed. Worry, stress and irrational thoughts are starting to creep back in. Really want the next 2 weeks to just be over
4(5) Dead tired, really don't want to get up. Where is this exhaustion coming from... I do wonder what it's like to wake up feeling refreshed and energised. Sounds fake.
(4) Extremely pissed off by minor things. Trying to look past the anger to see what the actual problem is, but it's hard when all I want to do is smash the next available object to pieces.
(6) Work is crazy bc our boss had an accident & won't come in for several weeks. Will be interesting bc it's the busiest time of the year. But all the work has efficiently distracted me & lifted my mood.
(4) Mood's going down again. Feel overwhelmed by everything. Just want to sleep and never wake up again. Stressed. Annoyed. Unfair. Bitter. Overall not a pleasure to be around.
5(5) Empty.
(4) Still thinking about ending this one friendship bc I've become too overly attached, even though it's not what I want. I know it's the uni stress making me react more intense than usual but it's hard
(5) It's fascinating how much of an impact university has on my mental state. Horrifyingly fascinating.
(6) Dear god, I seem to be interested in another human being. Positively weird after all those years of indifference.
(4) What's it with the fucking up and down lately. Crying, lonely, miserable, worrying, had an argument with my mum. Fuck this all. So done with this shit.
(4) Neighbour's cat is stuck in a very tall tree & I can hear it meowing all the time. I'm so worried but can't do anything. Can't stop thinking about my cat and just keep crying. This is all so messed up
6(5) Mood low this morning, up at work now so a 5 it is.
(6) Better therapy session than last week. Probably because of my bad mood last time today she proposed that I start a gratitude journal and to think about seeing another professional to determine if I
7(5) Mood's been okay so far, but I'm tired, unmotivated and avoiding all kinds of human communication. Feel like I desperately need some time off the internet and my phone.
(5) Been lying on my bed for three hours bc I was tired and wanted to rest. Still not feeling better. I know I should get up and do something, but I'm too exhausted to care. Just want to sleep for days.
8(5) Went to bed at 9pm and got up at 10am. Haven't slept the whole time, but I still feel energised. Hope I can do something with this energy today.
(4) Why do incoming messages stress me so much.. I hate that I hate them.
(5) It's almost 3pm and I haven't eaten anything yet. Probably one reason for my not so good mood. It seems too much trouble to make something though.
(6) Just spent some time looking at Tom Hardy's old Myspace pictures. Best hour ever spent. First time I've laughed and enjoyed myself today. Thank you, Tom, for being who and how you are. <3
(4) As soon as the good mood was here it's gone again. The internet is not my friend. I feel so disconnected to everyone and don't know why. This is slowly breaking me.
9(5) Getting out of bed is becoming harder and harder every day. I just want to hibernate, but it's summer.
(4) Wondering for the umpteenth time in just as many years if my depressive mood could be connected to my hair loss, bad skin, etc. and if it's all bc my hormones might be out of balance.
(3) Today: eating, crying, sleeping.
(4) Giving up for today. I've managed to do nothing but waste even more time. Stress and tasks keep piling up, will to live keeps decreasing.
10(4) Took my first shower in about a week and feel clean. Death wish still intact.
(7) For once feeling good and productive at uni.
(5) Tired. Self-doubts and negative thoughts creeping back in, but still manageable.
11(4) Didn't want to get up, didn't do what I had planned to do, couldn't stop thoughts from going very dark places. Wasted morning.
(6) Good distraction at work. For now my thoughts are under control.
(5) Tired, unmotivated, slightly overwhelmed and lonely, but mostly tired. Mentally and physically. Also feeling invisible again, online, offline, everywhere.
12(4)
(7) Feeling much better than this morning. I actually managed to finish one task for uni and this feeling of accomplishment is so good. Now waiting for my favourite course this semester to start.
(4) I wonder if there's still a way back to how it used to be.
13(3) Giving up again.14(2) I have no idea what to do.
(5) My only solution in life for everything is to run away. Dreading the consquences, but for now I'm feeling a bit better.
(6) Been walking, talking and eating ice cream with a friend and this helped to take my mind off everything for a short while.
15(6) It's been a surprisingly good day. Done nothing for uni, but cleaned myself and my flat, had pasta and mostly enjoyed myself. But I'm buying too much stuff lately, have to send some things back.16(4) Have to prepare for an exam tomorrow, stress and negative thoughts are coming back. Not feeling so well, but have to power through. Looking forward to tomorrow evening no matter the exam's result.
(3) I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I don't only feel disconnected from everyone in my life, but also from myself.
17(4) Exam. Nervous. Unprepared. Not sure if I want to pass with a bad grade or fail so I can retake the exam.
(5) Exam is over and I most likely passed it, but somehow the euphoric feeling is not coming. Hello void, here I come.
18(5) Good distraction at work, but as soon as I'm back home I don't know what to do with myself and just keep staring into the void. Hello boring life, I'm back. Feeling empty and hollow and Idk why.19(4) Jealousy is eating me alive again, now also in my dreams.
(2) Can't fall back asleep. Negative thoughts took over everything. Idk how to hold it all in any longer and just want to spill everything, but I'm afraid this will end it. Or we already are at the end.
(3) Feeling either empty or I'm crying. Empty. Crying. Empty. Crying. I don't want this life if it means I'll always feel lonely.
(3) Last class for this semester today, great weather, I should be content and I was looking forward to finally being able to calm down a bit, but all I want is to die. Thanks, head.
20(5) Today was okay I guess. The empitness is still there, but my death wish was a lot quieter than yesterday. In a way it was just nothingness.21(5) Kinda wasting today. Feel unmotivated, tired, not interested in anything and just want to sleep. Not how I'd imagined my first free day in 3 months. I'm also waiting for something but don't know what.
(4) The one chance I had this week to meet with friends was just cancelled. I asked when we'll meet and was told they had already met. Failed communication, as always.
(3) How can you become so dependent on someone you've only met online and don't even really know? I fucking miss you and the only one keeping me from you is myself because I'm not worth your time.
22(5) Back to feeling blah.
(6) Back from cinema trip 1/4. Didn't really like the film, but was in a good mood since noon. Really unexpected but nice change after this week and trying to enjoy it as long as possible.
23(5) Film 2/4 was better, but I hate them for the twist near the end. I felt rather good this morning, then anxious, and now sort of melancholic and apprehensive. And hungry. Feels like a 5.
(4) Weird mood. Want my good feeling from earlier today back. I've felt joy and interest in things for the first time in weeks, but now the angry void is knocking on the door again. Disconnected. Lonely.
24(6) Better mood than last night. One major thing off my list, feeling a bit lighter. Have to clean my flat a bit now, then off to the cinema.
(7) Film 3/4 was the best so far! Really enjoyed it, and most importantly, myself. Can't remember when I last enjoyed time spent just with myself. Though worry is lurking just behind the next corner
(5) Ah, farewell my rare friend good mood & welcome back my old pals anxiety and overthinking. I didn't miss you but I know you're never far. Don't get too cosy though, you have to be gone again tomorrow.
25(5) Short, disrupted night. Tired af. Off to work in a bit, but would rather crawl back into bed. Cinema after work, which feels like work by now, too. Can't believe I'm complaining about doing sth fun.
(6) Film 4/4 was great, too. Maybe even better than its first part. Fell in love with Groot. Went for a walk afterwards and got a bit lost, so I walked more than intended and feel exhausted now.
26(5) Dreamed about my friend. She told me everything she doesn't like about me, which was everything I'm always worrying about. Seems like I have to do sth about this, but I've discouraged myself rn.
(4) Fucking annoyed at work. Everyone thinks they're something special but don't care that we're supposed to be a team. I'm also alone with two new colleagues which means double amount of work.
(5) Mood improved a bit, but I was pretty busy and sooo tired. Fell asleep during yoga class. On my way to my parents and watching X-Men.
27(6) At my parents. Short night, lots to do, cat to cuddle, good distraction. ?28(5) Another short night, I'm so tired. Busy with preparations for the holiday. Bit annoyed bc there's no end in sight.29(5) Slept 2,5 hours, got up at 3 am, at the airport at 6 am, switched to car at 10 am and finally arrived at destination at 5 pm. Can't remember when I drove for so long the last time. So. Bloody. Tired.30(6) On holiday. Lazy start into the cloudy first day (which was a blessing for this chalk-white panda), I drove/sailed/steered(?) a motorboat on the Adriatic Sea and saw Dolphins! ? A real highlight.
31(7) Longer boat tour today, sun and heat all day, but we had a lovely rest in a sheltered bay with crystal clear turquoise water. Perfect for swimming. ? All the oxygen is knocking me out though. ?
August
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Bored. I know I shouldn't say that being on holiday, but it's getting hotter every day (36 degrees Celsius today) and you simply can't do anything except laying at the pool. We tried walking for a bit2(6) Okay day spent mostly at the pool or inside. Way too hot.3(6) Last day in Croatia. Packing, last time in the pool, and rest of today spent in a car on the way to Austria.4(8) Vienna calling! ?? ?? ? ?? ? ??
(5) Mood went down a bit after dinner. Small misunderstanding let the day end on a sour note.
5(6) Went to Schönbrunn, ate some Apfelstrudel and then it was already time to go to the airport. Homewards.6(6) Arrived safely back home. Lazy start into the day, cuddle session with cat, got up at 9.30 am, late breakfast and now the laundry is calling. All in all I'd say I feel quite good, but there's still
(5) Fascinating, I'm back home and glued to my mobile again, checking for new messages every few minutes and getting more and more disappointed and frustrated. Missing the distraction while on holiday.
7(4) Weird dreams, feeling like a stranger in my own life, restless, overthinking, feeling unworthy of kindness and like a burden. Lonely, secluded, tired of existing.
(5) Feeling a lot less negative than this morning which is a blessing. But still kinda tired and procrastinating answering a friend, feeling guilty and helpless.
8(5) Woken up by cat at 5am, remember dreaming about grandma and felt calm, but then I checked the internet and everything went downhill again. Anxious, overthinking, restless, racing thoughts.
(3) I think life is done with me. There's nothing else to gain, just stagnation and waiting for the end.
(5) Feeling better than this morning. Wonder if this is a new thing, bad morning, better evenings. Probably PMSing. Time for Whisky Cola. ?
9(5) This is how I want to wake up every morning: feeling almost energised, rather positive and in the mood to get up and start the day; and not how it's been in the last days: convinced no one cares about
(5) Clogging my mind with pointless TV, can't concentrate and don't want to do anything but eat and numb mind. Have to pack things before I go back to Berlin tonight, don't want to go to work tomorrow.
(5) Been very teary-eyed most of bus ride, thankfully it was dark & no1 saw me snuffling & almost crying on my phone. Blaming hormones. Back in my flat, tired, unwilling to go to work tomorrow. G'nite!
10(6) So far today was better than expected. Mood also more stable than expected, very surprising. Been tired all day and having a little lie-down after work and watching some TV now.
(5) Moody, tired and emotional. Disappointed by my own inability to do what I want to do. Wasted time with sleeping and watching TV. Still running away from my responsibilities and problems.
(3) Hating myself so much.
11(4) Bad, short night. Don't want to go to work, don't want to meet with friend, just want to go back to bed.
(6) Work, taking a walk and meeting with friend improved mood. Feel like a different person compared to last night.
(4) Feel like I've been run over by a car - twice. Emotionally drained. An otherwise rather nice meeting with a friend left me feeling just as empty as I started the day. Also saw a homeless man on the...
(5) 100 days of being a Panda. There's not much to show for it, but sticking to something for so long is a good thing in itself. I'm glad I found this app and grateful for every Panda hugging and...
12(5) Dreamed about therapy. Was quite an unusual session that turned into a theatre play production with me as the lead. Wth. In real life I'd be scared shitless and faint. Interesting dream though.
(4) Not feeling well, had breakfast at 3pm which was far too late & I'm noticing the consequences. Tired, headache, unmotivated, slowly invading negative thoughts. Don't underestimate the power of food.
(5) Cooked something my grandma often used to make in summer and that I've always loved. Not as good as hers, but I'm relishing the memories of her and my time spent in my grandparents' garden.
13(6) Wanted to work from home for a bit to accumulate a few extra hours, but decided that no, I'm not in the mood for it at all and I'd rather spend my time on other things. Feeling good w/ decision.
(7) I have a strange attraction to the number combination '1234'. Just saw that I've received 1234 hugs since joining and I love this little coincidence.
(6) Mood was really good today, like a veil was lifted from my mind. Felt full of energy and motivated, but still couldn't really concentrate on anything, kinda restless.
14(5) Short night and okay day until I managed to make myself miserable and sad again. Just want to crawl and hide in my bed.
(3) Napping the pain away. Been in bed for 5+ hours, it's 8pm and pointless to get up anymore. What a fucking waste of time. Alternately feeling empty, anxious, hopeless and just so damn sad.
15(5) Nervous, very anxious, feeling sick, but also kind of optimistic, hopeful, hyperactive. Conflicting emotions.
(6) Dear god, it took me almost all day to find (not even the best or right) words to tell my friend that I miss her and why I'm such an idiot. Result is 1,5 Word pages of some serious Blah Blah shit...
16(6) Dead tired, but felt good and almost positive throughout the day. Was anxious to read friend's reply, but finally did and needn't have worried. Also finally made an appt w/ specialist my therapist...17(5) The last two short nights have left me feeling quite rough round the edges and emotional. Caught me falling back into old patterns. Thought about two friendships I've lost in the last year and felt18(6) Heat, tired and lazy all day, but mood was quite good throughout the whole day.19(7) Nice day spent with family.20(5) Today's been okay-ish. Everyone was a bit snappish, fragile atmosphere, and I've been annoyed too often.
(3) Can't sleep, overthinking par excellence going on. Can't shut down my damn brain. Feeling hopeless and like a waste of space. Totally worthless.
21(5) Okay day, ups and downs, so not more than a 5. Had waves of envy, guilt, worthlessness washing over me that ruined the day. Expectations weren't met, disappointed. Want to let go of expecting things.
(4) Again overthinking triggered by casual sentences/words. I'm always focusing on the insignificant details and twisting them into my personal absurd interpretations and overthinking material. Hateful.
22(5) After finally starting to feel good & connected here this place seems completely deserted. Still good to track one's mood, but the best thing were the conversations in the threads. Makes me a bit sad.
(5) Mood's changed almost hourly today, not too drastic but still draining. Decided to stay one day longer at my parents and instantly felt better. Hooray for running away from responsibilities.
(4) Third night in a row crying and overthinking. It hasn't been like this for me in a while and it's getting really old.
23(5) I really don't know how to score the past days bc they had everything from crying, feeling hopeless and devastated, empty, to feeling good and content. A bit more consistency would be great.24(4) (Almost) No crying last night, just some heavy melancholia, but I'm dead tired and just want to crawl back into bed.
(5) Getting up and going to work is a hard fight every day, but I can't deny it's a good distraction, at least as long as I'm there. Still tired, spent rest of day in bed. Lonely, disconnected, tired.
25(4) Starting the day with feeling low, some crying and overthinking. Therapy in an hour. Don't know what to talk about anymore, it seems pointless.
(4) No energy, no interest/motivation, no nothing.
(6) Feeling a lot better than I have all day (and past days). No idea why, but my headache is gone and I'm happy about the (short?) break from myself.
26(6) Yesterday I've realised that I'm worrying over things I normally wouldn't overthink (to this extent) without this illness. So if all of these problems I'm worrying about are basically non-existent,...27(5) Today's been quite good, but now it's 2 am, I can't fall asleep & feel the loneliness of the night in a very melancholic way. I miss having someone close to me, to feel another human's body heat.
(5) Sooo tired. Fell asleep after 3.30 am, woke up 5 hours later and haven't been able to fall asleep again. When I'm tired my mind is more prone to suffer from overthinking, but I'm still okay-ish.
(5) After some boredom-induced struggling with overthinking I've had some very good and positive thoughts today and I really should start writing them down bc it's already getting hard to believe in them.
28(6) Slow start into the day, but I took a nice walk in the sunshine this afternoon and felt very calm and relaxed. This truly was balm for the soul and much needed.
(4) Disappointed in myself for reacting so strongly to seeing an automatically generated e-mail notification of an update posted by my friend tonight and still not having received a reply to my messages..
29(5) Slept well, woke up feeling okay, thoughts instantly turned to yesterday's feelings, but after getting up and drinking tea I'm starting to see the light of the day. For now my rational side is taking
(7) Unexpected turn: the friend I cried over yesterday asked me if I wanted to watch a film with her tonight. Conflicting emotions (surprise, happiness, anger, anxiety), but I agreed, thinking this could
30(6) Short night. Couldn't fall asleep, then woke up at 4.30am, stayed in bed till 7am, and was super tired. By now I'm feeling quite all right and wonder if this overall good feeling has something to do
(8) Surprisingly good day. Nothing exciting happened, but my mood was great all day, despite being busy at work and the hot weather. Even therapy was nice. Took a walk, enjoyed life, had popcorn for
31(6) Today hasn't been as good as Wednesday, probably because the physical exhaustion was even bigger, but I tried to stay positive and it mostly worked. Work was okay, but afterwards all I could do was
September
MTWTFSS
    1(8) I'm feeling very hyper and really good right now. Drinking tea, singing and dancing along to music, enjoying myself and my day off, being content with being on my own, sorting out an online order for
(6) Tired, bit bored, can feel my mood sink & irrational thoughts knocking at the door, but I'm trying to stay positive & not let them win. I probably just need some sleep, had a headache most of today.
2(5) Night was okay, but since yesterday evening I've been more or less constantly overthinking again. It's still pretty lowkey, so I'm trying to make the best of today.
(4) Another random outburst of jealousy. I simply can't seem to get a grip on this, but am I even trying hard enough or am I just waiting for it to go away on its own? How does one deal with this anyway?
(5) Watched La La Land to lift my mood, disappointed with the ending. Where is the unrealistic romantic happy ending when you need one? Otherwise I'm just feeling kind of blah. Should go to bed.
3(6) Feeling better than yesterday afternoon and evening, and trying to accept my disappointment in certain things to not let it affect my mood. About to go play Pokémon with a friend.
(7) A 7 for the afternoon spent with my friend, which was a great distraction from my normal sunday routine (aka doing nothing and waiting for the time to pass), right now it's more like a 5.5. Bit bored.
4(6) Dreamed about a burglar in my flat and woke up at 5 am feeling paranoid. Felt all right when I got up, had some tea and went outside.
(3) Argument with a friend. Feeling angry, nervous, frustrated, anxious, misunderstood, restless, tired of everything. Fucking mood ruiner.
(6) Went to Ikea with a friend, and watched an episode of Sherlock with another friend and feel a bit better now. Still pissed off about the argument though.
5(6) Mood's been relatively good all day, spent evening watching Sherlock with friend again.6(5) A meh day. Slightly annoyed and tired all day, more annoyed people at work, even Sherlock in the evening didn't really improve mood. Spent some time overthinking again, but still manageable.7(6) Still tired all day, but also slightly restless, more annoying people at work really testing my nerves, but afternoon turned out pretty great. Walked a lot, and went to bed early (9pm).8(7) Good day. Didn't do all of what I wanted to do, but walked a lot (14K), and finally caught my first legendary Pokemon. Completely pointless, but it made me happy. :)9(5) Feeling meh again. Didn't want to get up, don't want to go outside (raining), don't want to do anything worthwhile (aka uni stuff). Feeling a bit lonely, bored & restless at once bc I'm wasting time.
(4) Why am I feeling so invisible, pointless and futile again? An okay message from a friend hasn't made me feel like this in a while, so what's going on, brain? Is it just a shit day or are you acting...
(3) What's going on, what's missing that makes me feel like this? I haven't cried for some time, which might be progressive, but rn it doesn't feel like it at all. Still not as bad as it used to be and
10(5) Don't know how I feel. Better than yesterday, but still kind of wary, needy and apprehensive. Wondering if I'm just in a 'good' phase, atm or if the St. John's Wort is finally starting to work.
(6) Cleaned flat, took a walk, met with friend and played Pokemon (I even caught two legendaries all by myself today). Enjoyed the great weather and feel a lot better than yesterday.
(5) Being a bitter bitch again. Now that I've actually been asked how my day was I'm turning distant, curt and unfair. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to just tell a bit about the things I want
11(5) Start into day wasn't optimal (woke up at 5.30 am, couldn't fall back asleep, once again noticed I'm a victim of my mobile, felt my mood go down), but then I noticed there's a cat in the tree in front
(3) Argument with friend from last week still ongoing. Tried to reconnect and failed. Anxious, angry, unwell, upset, disappointed. I fear this friendship will end because of one stupid little sentence.
12(5) Feeling strangely okay-ish, don't know why, but I'm glad I'm not a puddle of goo and tears on the ground. Still angry and hurt, though. Therapy session today and I know what will be the topic no. 1.
(6) Almost missed my therapy session today. I had the wrong time in mind and arrived 20 min late. Embarrassing, but my therapist didn't seem to mind. Talked about the fight which made me feel better.
13(6) Good (and long) day overall. Bit hectic and stressful, rushing from one place to the other (work, cinema, Pokemon w/ friend), but being distracted once again proved good for my mood.14(6) Okay start into day, mood improved at work even though time wouldn't pass today. On my way to my parents.
(4) Moody, tired, bored, alone with my thoughts. No interest in doing anything (too tired?). Mood started decreasing after listening to some audio messages, still trying to figure out why. Looking forward
15(5) Feeling better. Sleeping helped a lot, though no idea where the exhaustion came from. And it's always interesting to see what difference a cat can make in my life. ?
(6) Not a bad day, had some minor health problems, but mood was better than the day before
16(5) Extremely bored and lazy all day, grey weather, same mood, no motivation for anything.17(7) Great weather, took a long walk with my parents and enjoyed the day with them.
18(6) Tired/exhausted half of the day, lazy/unmotivated the rest of the day. Met my grandpa and walked a bit. Zero interest in uni stuff even though it's appearing in my dreams and affecting my sleep.19(4) Spent 6 hours in A&E with my mum, after she went to two other doctors. They haven't found anything, but the day was wasted and 8 hours without anything to eat can totally ruin the mood.20(4) Stress is building up, intrusive thoughts are increasing, don't want to leave the bed at all, but also have trouble falling asleep. 3 days until I leave for holiday, and I haven't finished one thing
(4) Why is it so hard to ask for what you want. I'm a social failure.
(3) Stomachache (caused by emotional stress?). Hopelessness. Emptiness.
21(4) My inability to ask for someone's address (and many other accumulating things) caused an emotional breakdown yesterday. I could almost laugh about the absurdity of it all, but I'm too hollow.
(5) Work was horrible, but I visited a friend afterwards and her cat decided to cuddle with me most of the time. Maybe she could feel my sadness. Helped me to get my mind off everything for a few hours.
22(4) Went to bed feeling like shit and with overthinking at full speed, and woke up feeling the same. Have a headache and feel like I'm getting sick. Third day in a row I can't stop crying. Been awake
(5) Rest of today was okay-ish. Done packing, still don't want to go, feel like crying again. Lonely, worthless, invisible. I know it's the stress, but certain things are hard to ignore. Maybe it's over.
(3) This fucking head of mine.
23(4) Already done with my first cry of the day, feel like shit. Don't really know what's going on, just that my insecurities are running wild and getting the better of me. Have to calm myself down and put
(5) Arrived safely in Scotland and enjoyed the rest of the not rainy day. Really tired all day, but somewhat distracted.
24(4) It's bloody 6 am on a Sunday and I just can't sleep. Woke up multiple times at night, and still feel as tired as yesterday. Negative thoughts are popping up again, stress is also building and the
(5) Good, but physically exhausting day. Almost no rain. Walked/hiked/climbed through all of Holyrood Park, enjoyed the great view from Arthur's Seat and went to Botanic Garden. Walked 31K steps today. ?
25(5) Awake at 5.30 am again. My usual time to wake up at home. Overthinking gets better when I get up and leave the dark, quiet bedroom. Right now it's still raining so I'll enjoy a nice cuppa or two. ???26(6) Bus tour to the Highlands and Loch Ness. Some disappointment and a long, exhausting day, but overall good with impressive views.27(5) Shit start into the day, I was moody and missing some me time. Visited a historical house, and walked through the old town, but hunger has turned me into moody shitbag again.28(6) First part of today was good, could tick off some things I still wanted to see, but I had crammed too many things into one day and started to feel very stressed towards the end.29(6) Last day, had great weather, spent a lot of money. Exhausting, but still managed to have a good time.
(2) Awful evening. Had to write some postcards and don't know what caused this emotional breakdown, but I was back to where I'd been one week ago. Couldn't even cry when I wanted to bc I was never alone.
30(4) Travelling back. Almost no sleep, up at 5am, back to bed at 10pm. Between this a multitude of busses, trains and a plane. Quiet breakdown on the plane made me resort to my ebook reader after 5 months
October
MTWTFSS
      1(5) As far as I can remember, a very lazy day spent in pyjamas watching tv and petting the cat. Not bad, a nice break after everything.
2(5) Busy doing things I can't remember, some family time, some reading, a bit boredom, but not bad.3(4) 4,5. Public holiday, bad weather, stayed at home, watched tv, worried about cat's health, purposely stayed away from social media. Tried to resist my head eating itself and escaped through reading.4(4) Went back to Berlin today. Just remembered that I'd been craving some me-time for days, which I also couldn't find staying at my parents. But going back to Berlin made me feel stressed, too much5(4) First work day, almost didn't get up. As usual work always manages to distract me for a while, no matter how difficult it is to get there in the first place. Therapy session was kinda frustating.6(4) I should update more often. Almost can't remember the last days. Woke up feeling okay, but not quite motivated to do anything. Then social media caused emotional breakdown again. Feeling hollow,
(5) Parents & brother visited today. It was only a few hours, but I enjoyed it & it helped me take my mind off things for a while. Finally bought a chest of drawers to organise my chaos. Tired, but calm.
7(5) Okay day so far. Read a bit, puttered around a bit, tidied up, and forgot to eat, but felt okay and calm. Not quite happy, but content for the time being. No internet, no TV, just some music.
(4) Yet another strong emotional response after listening to the audio message by that one friend. By now I'm almost scared to just receive another message because lately my reactions are almost always
(4) Socialising not as effective as hoped. Film was okay, but wasn't in mood for much talking before and after. Feeling heavy and tired, don't even have energy to backdate and comment on some posts here.
8(3) Bad night, no motivation, want to be knocked out. Feeling quite anxious, restless, overwhelmed, sick, and unable to concentrate. Been like that since waking up, and it just seems to get worse.
(5) Managed to drag myself out of the flat after a friend called. Met briefly, then took a walk and enjoyed the sunshine. Helped me to reduce a bit of my anxiety at least for a few hours.
9(5) Don't know how to rate this. Can't concentrate, skipping thoughts, restless. Have a shitload of things to do and no interest at all in doing them. Just want to lie in bed and read the whole day which
(4) It hasn't been so hard to leave the flat in a long time. Barely walked 2 km, but body and mind feel heavy and exhausted. I think it's still not as bad as it used to be, but I also know it's getting
(3) Anxiety. Guilt. Hope. Shame. Doubt. Fear. Joy. Regret. What a wonderful cocktail.
10(4) Keep waking up at night because of a dry cough that won't go away, struggling to fall asleep again. Woke up feeling like maybe I'm finally developing signs of a cold I don't need right now. Restless.
(2) Made a mistake which could cost me quite a bit of money. I can survive without this but it still frustrates me to no end that I've let everything slide so much in the past months. 'Functioning adult'.
(3) when do you reach the point when you just can't cry anymore, when there's nothing left in you? I'm ready for this now.
11(4) Another stupid night, very slow morning, and even slower start at work. Want to crawl under the next available rock and stay there. Been feeling nauseous for some time, no appetite.
(6) Had to help out a colleague and work with people face to face today. I normally dread working there, but strangely enough it wasn't too bad, my mood's improved vastly, time went by fast and I even
(4) I'm so full of myself, even though I don't know what real pain actually is.
12(5) Bad, short night (couldn't fall asleep after writing friend, overthinking, worrying, waking up bc of dry cough, bad dream) and shaky, slow start, but I'm feeling a bit more like myself now.
(5) Okay day. A few ups and downs, but overall okay. Ignored some messages because I knew it'd entail an emotional breakdown of sorts, running away again, but I'd wanted one day of feeling okay-ish.
13(5) 5,5. Another okay, maybe even marginal good, day. Therapy was surprisingly intense, but I've felt more like myself all day than in the past week. Still dreading the inevitable though, I'm a coward.14(4) Horrible end to my night. Woke up at 5.30 am convinced someone was in my flat. Didn't dare getting up though and stayed in bed listening for any sounds in the darkness for over an hour. Paralysed,
(3) Isn't it fascinating how you can obsess about one thing/problem and make yourself nearly sick with worry, while the other person is completely oblivious to your struggles & thinks everything is fine?
(5) Took a while to calm down and become a somewhat rational being again, and the rest of the day I spent outside and then reading. Escapism modus still active.
15(5) Woke up in the middle of the night again, got up late, not motivated to do anything, but the sun is out and I want to take a walk later. Should really do some household chores though.
16(3) Woke up to a a feeling of complete pointlessness. First day of the new semester. Seems promising.
(2) I'm too passive to kill myself, but the loneliness is already doing a good enough job of it.
(4) Dragged my sorry arse to uni and being there and walking in the sun actually helped a bit to calm down. But I can still feel the effect this morning had on me; completely drained and ready for bed.
17(5) Okay day. Uni, a few household chores, walking in the sun. I even felt productive and motivated for a while which was nice.18(5) 4.5. Shit time at work, irritated for the most part, but managed to calm down and met a friend later. Still mostly kind of feeling dejected, pointless and exhausted. Can't find the golden threat19(3) I don't know if it's normal/a part of any mental illness (I'm still not sure I actually suffer from bc no one ever tells me what I really want to hear or if I'm just a selfish stupid prat), but I
(5) Uni helped to distract me, and afterwards I was too busy to be miserable, but it always comes back in the evening.
20(6) Woke up early, was productive and had some time before going to work. Felt good. Went to the cinema, and afterwards mood began to drop but for a few hours I've felt good so I'm treating myself to a 6.21(3) Another emotionally laden morning, feeling gutted and hollow. Wonder when/if this will stop any time soon or if I should get used to it, build up resistance and hope for indifference.
(1) Whats the fucking point
(4) As always I managed to calm down again, but only by running away again. Still spent the whole day in some kind of haze, not really able to cheer up.
22(4) Had a calm and nice afternoon, but also felt restless and stressed without apparent reason all day. Now I'm wondering if I've just done the one thing to finally end this last friendship as well.
23(4) Goddammit. When will the renovation in the flat below me finally be done? All those loud noises are making me aggressive & restless. Should be on my way to uni though,so that's probably my punishment.
(5) It's crazy how much impact one person can have on my mood (in both directions). It's not good nor bad, but perplexing all the same. Calmer, but also tired and cold. Some reading and an early night.
24(6) Woke up early, but I'm not tired and feeling rather good. Energised, motivated, though also a bit unconcentrated and restless. But far better than the last days. Which is good, but also dangerous
(5) Tired, bit annoyed, lazy, and some more tired.
25(5) I don't even know.. mightly annoyed and frustrated outweigh the few good moments today. Maybe PMS is near.
(4) Nights are getting shorter and shorter. Woke up at 3.30am today, felt restless and irritable most of the time, maybe heading for some other kind of hypomania? Feel overwhelmed and stressed by tiny
(3) Emotional rollercoaster. Just checked & it's the first day of this wonder called PMS. Should be glad I probably know why I am the way I am, but I also want to jump from my balcony so yeah. Hormones.
26(4) I don't want to start and end every day with crying, it's getting real old, real fast.
(6) At my parents. Dead tired but feeling good for a change.
27(4) Went to bed lost in my usual worries, and woke up just the same. Blaming the hormones is easy, but only half of the problem.
(6) April weather all day, but I went outside for a while, and felt good most of today. Period started early, but hormones seem to calm down. Thank god.
(4) How to overcome an obsession without having to drop it completely? I'm caught in a fucking cycle.
28(5) My mind is a sea of self-pity and delusion I'm drowning in. Up and down, up and down, all day every day.29(6) Majority of today was really nice, even though I seem to have caught a cold. Calm, peaceful, relaxed. Woke up at 1, 3 and 5am and met my mum at 5.30 am to read in front of the fireplace. Lovely.
30(5) Short night again, cold getting worse, and feeling stressed for no real reason. I've a few things to do, but nothing too taxing or time-consuming but instead of just doing one after the other I'm just31(5) Cold getting worse, probably won't go back to my flat today because my head's about to explode from pain. Not worrying about other things for once, nice change.
November
MTWTFSS
  1(5) Feeling bit better than yesterday, but missed work and had to get a sick note from a doctor. Waited 2 hours to talk to him for three minutes, but I got it & can stay at my parents until Sunday. Tired.2(6) Felt full of energy and not really sick after waking up, did some household chores, felt productive and was in a good mood, but energy drained away after noon. Resting's become my favourite pastime.3(5) Tired. Walking for just 10 min robs me of all energy, but mind's still rather positively tuned. Enjoying mental & physical rest I've had in the past days, even though I'm still worrying sometimes.4(5) Exhausted. Some walking in the sunshine, then rest, then baking which ended in utter chaos, and dragging myself to bed. Exhaustion led to some minor breakdown, so only a 5.5(5) Went back to my flat and uni/work tonight. Time was up pretty fast and it ended in stress and more exhaustion, but I'm not as upset as I'm most of the time whenI'm leaving my parents. Just super tired
6(4) Woke up pretty tired, but feeling okay, but just had a little stress-induced breakdown and spent some time crying in the bathroom. Welcome back to Berlin.
(5) Neurologist appt today. Nervous, don't know what to expect. Also I'm still not sure if I need ADs, but trying not to worry. I'll see what he thinks, but hope's not very high that it'll be helpful.
(2) Fuck. How can one tiny thing still throw me off track so much? Bawling. It still hurts so much to know you're not really important to anyone. No one left. It's just me and I fucking hate myself.
(1) I wish I would self-harm or had some sleeping pills. I don't want this life anymore.
7(2) Even if the ADs worked, nothing will really change. I'll still be alone, I'll still be shit at communication, & I still won't have a clue what to do with my life. I've fucked up and have to face the
(3) Getting ready for uni and be on time for the 8 am lecture surprisingly wasn't that hard; brain went into autopilot. Being at uni and around people helps a bit, but as soon as I'm alone my thoughts
8(3) Do I like you or do I like your attention? The truth, I think, lies somewhere in between.9(4) Kept busy with chores, went to therapy, and felt okay, if a bit numb. Still affected by cold, physically exhausted and mentally drained. The more tired I get the more I break down again. Hopeless.10(3) Physically and mentally exhausted, nights too short and head too full. At work but can't concentrate at all. Time seems frozen. Just want to sleep for a whole week straight & stop spinning in circles.
(3) Got my ADs three days ago, and haven't looked at or even thought about taking them. Pretty reluctant and worried about all those side effects. Don't want to feel even worse than I already do.
(2) Crying. Don't know how much longer I can take this pain, especially not some 30 years.
11(3) Upon waking there's always this little flicker of hope smouldering inside me, for things to be better, to be different, only to be crushed when consciousness eventually fully kicks in and I feel like
(3) Had finally calmed down and managed to do some things when another minor thing threw me off again. Not as bad as on Monday but since I'm still all over the place I was easy prey. I had the opportunity
(4) Took my first AD pill today. It's unbelievable that such a tiny thing should have so much power to change things, for better or for worse. I know it's stupid to be so worried about something like this
12(5) Feeling a lot better than the whole of last week. Calmer, more reasonable, even a bot joyful at times (though also still kind of restless, distracted, worried). Placebo effect? Taken tablet.
(5) I'm really sorry for spamming a lot of you today by repyling to some of my (very) old posts. It's been bugging me that I haven't had the mind, time and energy in the past weeks to properly reply and
13(4) Tired, tired, tired. Don't want to get up, but also can't fall asleep again. Bit worried and uneasy. Thinking about skipping lecture again. Blah. Not a morning person.
(5) Okay day. Felt remarkable positive today (even sang and danced along to my fav song), but also restless. Could be a side effect of the ADs, could just be me. So far my mood's gotten better after
14(6) Another okay day. Alternating between 4 and 6. From feeling good and energised to being worried and restless; constantly changing or all at the same time. Long day and pretty tired.
(5) Last monday I had an emotional breakdown of the sort that made me join MP six months ago. It's not been as bad as it was back then, I haven't been crying the whole night, but it was just as intense,
15(4) Started into the day with my usual irrational thoughts and sadness. It's her birthday today and I'd planned to have made some progress long before that. Of course that's not what happened and now I'm
(5) Work and yoga improved mood, but I've been tired all bloody day and feel like falling asleep any moment. Fatigue intensifies worrying and moodiness. Don't wanna do, say or think anything.
16(5) Slow start into the day and I'm still a bit tired, but feeling a bit better after therapy. Uni today, then hopefully not feeling as dejected as in then last few days.
(5) Uni was boring, but bearable, and I'm not as tired as yesterday. Mood's okay. Just feel like my social life equals nil at the moment mostly because I'm too tired to function and pushing everyone away.
17(5) Do you ever ever ever feel refreshed after waking up? Still think that's only a myth. Kinda (bearably) restless, been all week. How I'm looking forward to the weekend only to wake up at 6.30am again.
(6) Work was good today, even though I haven't really worked at all. Maybe because of the. Just a lot of talking, eating and laughing. Had an uneventful, but good time. This morning I thought how I'm
(5) Good mood is over. Tired, resigned, tired, disappointed about having been stood-up by a friend, tired, unmotivated, and have I mentioned tired? Ready for bed at 8 pm. What a life. Goodnight Pandas!
18(4) Awake since 6 am. Finally got up 2 hours later, and felt pretty okay until I remembered yesterday's incident and that I'd planned to write some of my problems down today. Just thinking about it makes
(5) Ran some errands, feeling neutral but restless. Should have gone out earlier, the (still moderate) masses of people and all the new articles in one of my fav shops overwhelmed me. Back home all I can
19No Reasons
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