4.8 avg
  512 days
  5875 hugs
  123 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(7) Happy new year Pandas! May all of you achieve what you're dreaming of and find peace and calm in the new year. ??? Thank you for 8 months of support here everyone, it's always much appreciated. ?2(6) A nice, okay day. Bit worried about cat after its unfortunate accident this morning.3(5) Everyone's back at work, except me and I'm enjoying some me-time for the first time in nearly two weeks. Really nice. Bit tired and stressed, and still worried about cat who's behaving weird.
(3) Really worried about cat. He's not doing well.
(6) Went to the vet, and relieved it doesn't seem to be as bad as expected. Doc suspects a marten's bite and gave him antibiotic. He already behaves more like his normal self. Hope he's better tomorrow.
4(7) Cat much livelier than yesterday. Spent a lot of time cuddling with him & he was seeking my affection. He seems completely changed & back to his usual self. So relieved & I hope it'll stay this way.
(5) Now that cat seems to be better, I have more mental capacity to go back to my usual worries. Stupid head. Feeling lonely, unwanted, worthless, even though there's probably no reason for this.
(5) Difficulties to stop scratching my head & face. This stupid habit has gotten worse again lately. Happens absent-minded & is most likely linked to stress & anxiety. The results show on my face though.
5(4) Stress and urge to cry increasing, worrying/overthinking all day long, PMS just about to start (or is it longer than 3 days for me?). Bad mood a result of the hormons again? Fucking annoyed and angry.
(5) Emotionally a bit better, but tired and headache most of today. Guilty for wasting the day with sleeping, but feeling much better now so whatever.
6(5) Trying to be a better, nicer and more selfless person. It's hard and anxiety is rising. No matter what I do I can't help feeling like in the end it's still just for me and not other people's sake.
(4) Took a look at my old blog and checked out things I shouldn't have. A lot of memories, good and bad ones, came back. The bad ones make me feel anxious, restless, disrooted, sad, regretful, slightly
(3) I'm not strong enough for life. Feeling like a stranger in my own life.
7(4) Going back to Berlin today. Stressed. Still loads to prepare & I'm a last minute packer which doesn't help either. Constant mood changes, but I'm glad I can also blame the hormones. Really tired tho.
(5) Safe trip back to Berlin, good time to arrive and unwind. Unpacked a bit, watched TV and enjoyed to be alone for some time. Mood a bit more stable and neutral for now.
8(4) Hard time to get up, not motivated at all. Back to uni, back to work. Everything in me screams and wants to run away as far as I can. Decided to up my dose a bit. I think the ADs have helped with my
(5) 5.5 Feeling calmer & less overwhelmed by everything. Started to make an uni task plan & still trying to get back into old routine, loads to do. Will try to catch up on here tomorrow, too tired rn.
9(5) Overslept, unwilling to get up. Missed two lectures already, and am incredibly slow. I know I need to get up and things will get better and easier, but I'm just kind of blah blah blah.
(4) Such a fight against myself to get ready and actually leave the flat. Overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious. Just want to sit down and have a cry, then go to bed and sleep the day away.
(2) Anxiety
(5) Calmer, but physically and mentally tired. Meeting uni friend helped and distracted me (6). Thinking about calling in sick at work tomorrow. Not what I like to do, but thinking about going there lets
(2) Fuck it. I hate this. I have no idea how to make it through the next 30+ years like this.
10(3) Getting out of bed is pointless
(4) 4.5 Veeery slowly tidied my flat, had breakfast/lunch/food at 4pm, mind not constantly screaming anymore. Very slowly starting to feel more like a sane human being again.
(3) Writing to and with you feels like a stranger is doing it instead of me, as if there's something between us. And I know what it is, because I've put it there. I hate myself so much for erecting this
(2) I don't understand why I'm so fixated on one person. Is this normal, is this the depression and my loneliness, or do I have a personality disorder? Am I a freak to be kept away from humanity? It feels
11(4) Tired, unmotivated, dizzy. Okay therapy session. Could voice some concerns, but nothing I haven't said or known before. I always sound far more rational than I ever feel inside my head.
(4) Not so good: probably have urethritis. Bit better: the pain distracted me from me general bad feeling for a while and I went to the GP and got a sick note for tomorrow. Now I'm just tired and empty.
12(3) Headache, sad, tired, guilty for skipping work and cancelling study date. Don't wanna go outside at all, don't wanna meet anyone, but also don't want to be alone. In a depressive episode?
(4) Talking to my mum on the phone helped a bit. Still don't know what to do though. I've got a ton of stuff to do, but I'm too restless to start anything. I don't want to go outside, but I also don't
(5) Finally feeling calmer, glad to log a 5. Headache getting better now that I've started to eat. Have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and plan on taking a walk. I need to get outside no matter if I want
13(4) Desperately trying to cling to my 5, but last night's anxiety followed me into my dreams. My mind's constantly circling around one specific thing. It almost feels as if I can't do/finish anything else
(3) Post-Xmas-shopping is so much more enjoyable. Bought some stationary stuff I don't really need but like to collect. Mood dropped, anxiety rose, need to eat. Friend cancelled on me, relieved.
(3) I've brought this upon myself. No reason to cry and whine.
14(2) I just wanna sleep forever
(3) I think I'm not as badly off as 2 or 3 might suggest, but I'm not great either. I'm utterly unmotivated, fatigued and bored out of my mind. Overthinking/paranoia constantly kicks in.
(5) Just realised that tomorrow is actually Monday, that I have to go to uni and haven't prepared one thing. Yeah... sucks. Today's been a complete waste of time. Finally received a message from my friend
15(4) Stressed. Got up too late because I had a crisis about having to shower & wash my hair and make it in time to uni. Still haven't showered, not going to uni and overwhelmed by the easiest things.
(6) A tiny spark of hope is flickering inside me. Took a shower, cleaned hair, shaved legs, trimmed nails, took a lot of time just caring for my body and myself and even enjoyed it. Feels good to be
(5) Best day in over a week. Grateful for the hours of contentment. Also grateful that I could chat with my friend today but it also brought up mixed and contradicting feelings. Have to work through them.
16(5) Went to the GP to get a new sick note and expected at most 3 days but got one for the whole week. Feeling a bit guilty but also massively relieved. I have some more time to recharge and ground myself.
(5) Cleaned rest of my flat which was physically exhausting, but a clean flat helps me feel better. Friend visited in the afternoon, we talked a lot and it was great. Pretty tired whole time though and
17(6) 6 only because it started snowing a few minutes ago. ?? Otherwise it'd be a 5. Went to bed early, but had some trouble falling asleep, staying asleep and had some weird dreams. Pretty tired and want
(5) Going to uni, seeing all the people & waiting for my presentation partner brought up a lot of anxiety, but the meeting was good. We hit it off pretty well & talked about all kinds of personal things.
18(6) Bit stressed and anxious this morning, but screw it, it's snowing again! Beautiful fat snowflakes. ?????????? #snowflakelove
(5) Therapy was okay, but I didn't get anything done today. Tired, dizzy and headache all bloody day. I think it's because of the storm front above all of Germany today. Emotionally I'm okay though.
19(4) Yeah... I just wanna sleep. ?
(5) Disrupted night, tired, stressed, but mood okay. Had plans to meet with presentation partner again today, but we decided to postpone it until Sunday. Greatly relieved, but I'm still waiting for the
20(7) First snow, now sunshine, and my current favourite singer Tellef Raabe on the radio - so far it's been a good morning. ?
(5) Mood dropped a bit, I'm tired, unmotivated and lazy. Just want to go to bed. My usual irrational thoughts start to creep out again, but I think it's still under control. Not efficient when it's dark.
21(4) Tired, stressed, unmotivated. Presentation meeting today, and the procrastination needs to stop, preferably yesterday (or some years ago). I've started working on my text, but god, why is it always
(5) Feeling better now. I've made some progress even if it's laughable considering how much time I had, but a bit of the anxiety and stress is gone and I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts. Which is
(6) Thanks for 3000+ hugs, dear Pandas. ? Every single one of them means a lot to me!
22(3) Tired, anxious and stressed. Thanks, procrastination.
(4) Huge urge to shut off all electronic devices, go to bed and sleep the time away; never to be seen again. Stress and anxiety are paralysing.
(5) The bright side of procrastination: lunch with avocado, tomato and pumpkin-hummus on whole-grain bread. Bon appétit!
(4) Yeah, I really don't want to do this presentation. Slightly panicky.
(4) And on top of it all the green-eyed monster suddenly rears its ugly head rather out of the blue. Not as bad as usual, just a stab in my guts and a reminder that I still have to deal with this topic.
23(6) Presentation over and done with. Thank god, I'm so relieved and full of adrenaline and energy. Really shit morning tho, skipped classes again and slept far too long. One more presentation on Thursday.24(5) Got up earlier to make use of the daylight since I'm not productive after it's getting dark outside. So far I'm not really motivated though, but let's start the day with some tea.
(6) Finished and submitted a task and hope the lecturer will still accept it (3 days late). Even though I got up rather early, I'm awfully slow. Still need to prepare the presentation for tomorrow, but
(3) Did I say the presentation tomorrow doesnt stress me out as much as yesterday's? Wrong. I don't think the topic is very difficult, but Im not making any progress and Im becoming more and more panicky.
25(4) Therapy session was okay. I haven't talked about my presentation-slip yesterday because I'm embarrassed and really disappointed in myself, but she told me about my small 'successes' this semester
(3) Spent whole day in bed. It's not the end of the world and I'll most likely pass all classes, but the disappointment in myself is overwhelming.
26(2) Back to crying after listening to my friend's audio message. Fucking fantastic. I've really thought I'm finally feeling more secure in our friendship after 1,5 weeks of really nice chats, but now
(4) Feeling a bit better. Tried to be open about some of my feelings and sent some pics of myself to a friend, which is a HUGE thing for me. Bit anxious (but also hopeful) about the reply.
27(5) Woke up at 4am, had trouble falling asleep again and eventually got up too late because I've been so tired. Went shopping, had some 'fresh' air and day light, but also felt slightly panicky and dizzy.
(6) Calm and content at the moment. Spent two hours listening to music, reading fanfics, and enjoying my clean flat in ambient lighting (residue Christmas fairy lights).
28(5) Ugh, tired tired tired. Woke up at 6am. On a Sunday. Yeah... Hope that my sleep will be better again after exam period. Not that I have done much learning already. Stresssss.
(5) Finally got back a feedback from the mental health assessment done by a group of MA psychology students in June last year. According to the interviews and questionnaires the result is Bipolar II for
29(4) Mood is okay, but I feel completely drained of all energy. Couldn't fall asleep, then had a short night, and got up 3 hours too late. Headache still there. Have to go to uni in a bit.
(5) Another two weeks off work. And I'm past feeling guilty, there simply isn't enough energy left in me to worry. Dead tired on my legs all day.
30(5) Tired, headache, uni, small pang of jealousy. Same old same old.
(4) I know I shouldn't expect someone to reply to all of my messages, especially not when they're long and the person is stressed, but I still hope for it and end up disappointed most of the time. I have
31(5) Still clinging to yesterday's disappointment, but I slept through the night until 6 am and feel a bit more rested.
(6) Still overwhelmed by everything, but hopeful and excited about my travel plans for April.
(5) I wish I had a personal yoga instructor at home to help me fall asleep. I could always go right to sleep after each session and I'm sure it'd even be a good and restful one.
February
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Getting up is getting easier. Slept for about 7 hours and feel okay so far. Still slow and easily fatigued, but I hope things are finally improving.
(6) Well, I basically overreacted on Tuesday and can see this now. I feel guilty because it was a very selfish behaviour (made even worse by my biology), but maybe it had its benefits after all. I could
(6) Good day. Walked to therapy and back home, and enjoyed the sunny weather. Felt really positive and calm. And it seems like the headache is finally gone. Can't wait for spring.
2(5) Woke up at 4 am, because I'd bashed my hand against the wall while sleeping. Still hurts. Bit tired and unmotivated, but looking forward to the sun today.
(5) Went shopping (bought shoes in sale! woohoo) and walked in the sun, did laundry, cooked lunch, and I think that's it. Pretty tired most of today, mood okay.
3(6) Got up early, went shopping and walking, and received a surprise package in the post. Grateful. But both unease and procrastination because of upcoming exams are increasing.4(5) Worried about possible dental problems. Hopefully it's just psychosomatic. It's not bad or very painful yet, but my whole head feels weird.
(6) 5,5 Pretty tired and unmotivated, but took a nice walk in the park today (sunshine) & had a great chat with friend. Done more household chores than uni stuff, teeth seem to be better? Still weird tho.
5(5) Loads to do (uni stuff to hand in this week and exam prep), bit tired, but I'm up and washed my hair. Went to bed with decongestant spray yesterday and teeth feel better today. So maybe it's my nose
(6) Dear god, I'm feeling highly motivated, positive and full of energy. My head is basically bursting with ideas, but I'm also kind of restless. Curious to see if this is the caffeine or something else.
(5) Not dreaded going to uni for once, enjoyed the sun, did household chores, and fell into bed deadtired at 9 pm. Nice day, but I didn't get much done for uni.
6(6) Slept for over 7 hours, feel only slightly tired, skipping two lectures because friend is sick. Trying to use time for uni tasks. Sun is shining again, good morning Pandas!
(5) Can't wait for these feelings of jealousy to get less and less and finally disappear even though they've already become slightly easier to handle. But still, not good and I don't like this part of me.
(4) Why am I so fucking good at self-delusion.
7(4) Talked to my mum yesterday, bit of trouble at home with my bro. After a while of being rather carefree about his problems ('He's got it under control!' No, he hasn't.) I'm right back to worrying about
(4) Beautiful weather outside doesn't stop me from crying. Head, feet, chest hurt. Tempted to skip yoga today. I know it might help me & that moping about the flat doesn't, but I don't feel like it.
(3) Told her I'm having a shit day which isn't unusual for me, but she asked if it's because of something she said and it might be the first time she's spot on and voiced it. I know I'm quite transparent
8(4) Maybe the Bipolar diagnosis wasn't so wrong in the end? I don't know. Confusing. Feeling a bit better than yesterday and working my way up to 5.
(5) Yesterday's again been a reminder of all the topics I still have to deal with. Maybe I want to tell myself something, hence all the reminder days lately. I don't have the time and energy right now
9(6) Maybe honesty to a certain degree isn't so bad after all, even if it wasn't me who made the first move. Surprising turn of events yesterday. And while I'm happy, I'm also scared at the same time.
(5) Physically not feeling well. Teeth hurt again, stuffed nose and no energy at all since noon. Could fall asleep standing. Mood okay, though. Grateful to have found such an understanding friend.
10(5) My head feels like it can't decide whether it wants to get sick or just annoy me with this low-level head cold sh*t.11(6) Feeling better physically. Woke up early, feel refreshed, but still have trouble to motivate myself to do important uni stuff. I just want to rest and steady myself for a bit longer.
(5) After decades of procrastination I finally finished two assignments. Glad. But also tired, hungry and the headache has returned. Worried about exams next week, I already know I have to resit them.
12(5) Not bad, but tired after a shitty night (woke up at 4.30 am bc of headache) & overwhelmed by all the small tasks I have & want to do. Clogging up my mind & not leaving much space for everything else.
(4) Fucking tired and moody. Just want to sleep, but can't even fall asleep when trying to take a nap. Want this day to be over.
(4) Tired, headache, doubting people's affection again. Hate this part of me, probably coming out again because of exhaustion. Feeling lonely and left out. Just want to sleep if only I could.
13(5) Better sleep last night, headache gone for now, feeling a bit better emotionally, but still slightly grumpy and left out. Last day of uni classes for this semester.
(5) Mood okay, last uni day. Glad that's over. Possible tendinitis in right thumb. Headache still under control, but I can feel it's there. Trying to keep screen time as short as possible & rest my eyes.
14(5) Pretty busy day. First day at work after 8 weeks collided with union strike, but I had a surprisingly good time (6). Good distraction, but directly afterwards mood dropped (4). I also went to yoga,15(6) Busy bee today. Loads to prepare before therapy, and then I'm going home to my parents for a few days. Not much time for the internet, but I hope all Pandas will have a good day!
(5) Picked up dad from airport after midnight, late to bed after 1 am. Tired ever since I could rest after boarding the bus. Mood okay, but everyone's a bit grumpy.
16(5) Short night, woke up at 6 am, and tired all day. Everyone's still grumpy and tired, but I at least enjoy cuddling and playing with cat. He seems to feel much better than the last time I saw him.17(6) Lazy day spent with reading and cuddling cat. Bit tired most of today, but thoroughly enjoyed quality time with cat.
(4) Suddenly feel like crying. Hard to control my insecure and jealous side. I know I shouldn't and can't compare people, but I keep doing it and only end up hurting myself in the process.
(3) Sucks when all of your self-esteem mostly depends on the attention of one person. 12 hours without a reaction to a message feel like the end is near. Hate my brain for this twisted logic and the pain.
18(5) Tired, feeling foolish, but also still a bit grumpy/hurt. Been very close to seeing everything as pointless again last night. Still not completely used to the inevitable ups and downs.
(5) Nothing much happened today. Talk with dad about uni not as bad as expected. Always busy with some task & always tired, so not much time spent on internet. Still a bit unwilling to chat. No idea why.
19(5) Tired (thank God I love that cat), unmotivated, moody. Just let me sleep for 3 years, please.
(5) Night-time melancholia
20(5) Can feel myself slipping back into old patterns of thoughts & behaviour. Annoyed with & disappointed in myself for wasting so much time despite knowing what's at stake. Still bad at handling stress.
(4) Don't wanna go back to Berlin, don't wanna go to uni, don't wanna go to work, don't wanna do anything, don't wanna be alone.
(5) Mood improved, but looking at my to-do-list for the next 2,5 weeks completely overwhelms me. But I guess it's manageable so no need to complain. Really tired now.
21(6) So far so good. Feel rested, but have a headache after first night in this bed. Managed to change today's shift to next Monday and have time to go to last yoga class and do some uni stuff. Grateful.
(6) On some days I catch myself starting to enjoy life again. This really gives me hope and encourages me not to attach so much importance on the still dominating bad and neutral days.
22(6) No headache after waking up (narrowing down culprits to my pillow), good therapy session, sun is shining, and I'm feeling quite calm and content. Preparing to go to work soon.
(5) Most of today's been good, even though I'm feeling like crap right now, that's why I'm willing to log a 5. Work was okay, booked my flight to Glasgow, was relatively good organised throughout the day,
(4)
23(4) Still feeling down. Going to Ikea with friends today. Probably a good distraction, but I'd rather stay in bed all day. Friend asked if we want to watch a film tonight. It's the only time when I have
(5) Great trip to Ikea, enjoyed spending time, talking and laughing with friends. Also feel better now after writing down some thoughts about friend and my reaction. Not sure if I should tell her or not.
24(5) Woke up at 4.30 am, tired, mood okay, still feel a bit weird after yesterday's talk with friend about my behaviour. It was positive, but I still feel like a failure. Went shopping and walked in sun.
(5) Still mild, but continuing problems with my ears. Left one hurt yesterday. Took a nap in the sun, but got nothing of importance done. Feeling guilty, but keep procrastinating.
(4) Mistakes and regrets
25(5) Lazy. Bit overwhelmed with uni stuff. Flat getting untidy. Really need to learn to better handle my triggers. Or finally start to work them out.
(6) If it wasn't for all the uni stuff making itself known almost every second of the day, I'm almost having a nice and calm evening. Cleaned flat a bit, showered, cooked, now watching tv and relaxing.
26(6) Nice time at work, spent most of it talking to my boss. Really tired when I came home and relaxed on my bed reading and playing games. Guilty of not studying.27(6) Slept far longer than intended and keep on wasting time, but also kind of enjoyed myself this morning. Sunshine, new yoga class starts today. Really need to start studying. 300 days on MP. ???
(5) Doubt, stress and unease creeping in. Wasting so much time and absolutely not able to bring myself to study. Cleaning flat a bit, soon going to yoga. Hopefully not too tired after to read some texts.
28(5) Why can I only fall deeply asleep 5 minutes before my alarm goes off? Then I turn it off, keep sleeping and wake up feeling exhausted much later than I wanted to get up.
(5) Work was okay (6), but feeling down now (4). Kinda want to cry, but it's not despair, just sadness. Melancholia. Tired of my own stupid behaviour and the results I still have to deal with.
(4) The sadness won't leave me alone tonight.
March
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Feeling better, okay time at work, bit boring sometimes but had chocolate, exhausted from cold weather, saw friend to get instructed about catsitting starting tomorrow. Mood okay, just really tired.2(5) Therapy was okay, sun was shining, cat was happy to not be alone for some time, head hurt all day, and I didn't eat enough = tired all the time. Feeling lazy and guilty and tired.
(6) My new friend for the weekend! ? https://www.instagram.com/p/Bf1FmHiDdJp/
3(5) Horrible night. Awake at 0.40, 2.00, 4.45 and 6.50 am. Tired, tired, tired. Still in bed and don't want to get up. Need to buy food and see cat though. Grumpy.
(6) More upbeat and energetic than I should be after this night. Enjoying quality time with weekend-cat.
4(6) Better (woke up once at 5.50 am), but short night. Finally managed some uni stuff really late last night & felt good. Helped & calmed down friend by listening to her problems. Sunshine & cat.
(5) Goddamn tired. After last night's 'study success', which made me feel so good, I wonder why I'm having such a hard time to motivate myself to start doing uni stuff. Talking and all is good, but I
5(5) Woke up at 4 am, gave up on sleep at 5.30 am. Sometimes I'd love some sleeping pills, but I don't think it's that bad yet and meditation might also do the trick. I just need to do it. Ha.
(5) Whenever certain topics come up I instantly feel alone and left out, no matter how hard I try to stay neutral. It's like standing behind a fence and looking through the holes at what's happening
(4) Low energy, low mood, non-existent motivation. Cat wants to play while I'm imitating a corpse on the carpet. Sorry cat for being boring.
(5) Just kind of blah today. Can't blame just my non-sleep though. Just don't know what to do with myself. Want to go to cinema this week, really looking forward though mixed feelings regarding the topic.
6(4) Yesterday's been a bit hard emotion-wise thanks to lack of sleep and I'm still fighting some of them today. Feel like a shit friend and human being. Brain, stop feeling left out when it was you who
(4) One of these days when I'd rather stop existing than keep on enduring this pointless waste of time.
(3) Down down down
7(4) Slept through the night, so energy should be a bit better today. Still feeling low and unmotivated. Worried about friend in hospital today. It's only a routine operation, but I'm still anxious.
(6) From su*cidal ideation to elated and content (for now) in less than 12 hours. Right. Worked all day with boss on a new concept, good distraction. Friend awake again and relatively well. Relieved.
8(5) Tired and bit moody. Disrupted night, good time at work, exhausted and unmotivated afterwards. Slight headache and I'm bored.9(5) Awake since 4 am, so tired, feeling absolutely whacked. Mood is quite affected by this, can't pretend to be happy today. Gonna drink 5 litre of tea now.
(6) Ikea again, spent too much time there with friend, but worth it. Feeling more like a human again, but everything is a bit slow and weird today thanks to the lack of sleep.
(4) Lonely
10(5) Tiny bit longer night, but really weird dream. Even there people always reject me. Thanks for the reminder, brain. Tea does the trick again.11(6) Okay, I really can't fight logging a 6 any longer. Right now I'm feeling quite good. Slept a bit longer, sun is shining and spring has arrived.
(5) hm. had to happen.
12(5) Professional procrastinator hard at work.
(4) zero motivation, no perspective, super tired, grey and rainy, uni sucks.
(3) I'd love to quit, but then what? There's no point to this existence.
(2)
13(3) Don't know how I'm feeling. Incredibly embarrassed and disappointed. Want to cancel trip home on Thursday and therapy next week. Body is a bloody traitor for being hungry.
(3) Tired and down all day, went to yoga and grocery shopping but hated every minute of it even though it probably did me some good. Haven't eaten much and had circulation issues all day.
14(4) Again a disrupted night, still flirting with hopelessness and SI, but already out of bed and about to eat breakfast. Called in sick at work today. Will try to get some uni stuff done.
(3) I'm not strong enough.
15(4) Work was a good distraction, I'm feeling a bit better. But I also realised that I can't distract myself every moment of every day for the rest of my life just to not end this all sooner than intended.16(5) On my way to parents. Cancelled trip yesterday due to feeling sick and depressed, but things are slightly less black at the moment and I'm hoping for some distraction and to (force-)cuddle with cat.
(6) Cat did the trick.
17(6) My first real snow day this winter! Loved it (as did Miezer). ???? https://instagram.com/p/BgcAuuIgQoX/18(5) 5.5 productive morning, then a very lazy Sunday. Read, ate, and took a nap. Enjoyed staying inside on this cold winter day. Unease started creeping in.
19(5) Bit tired. Had a nice weekend at my parents. Reality of my problems in Berlin slowly seeping in. All I want to do is read fanfics, eat and sleep. Basically running away from everything as usual.
(4) Sometimes I wonder why I talk about myself at all when it just gets ignored anyway. I know this is childish and overreacting, and I've been triggered again which just makes everything 10 times worse.
(5) It's my own insecurities that hurt me and make me lash out. Still don't understand all these contradicting emotions. 5 only because I visited my grandpa today. Everything else still hurts.
20(5) Up, down and neutral today. Mood a weird mixture of wanting to end it all and looking forward to new experiences.21(4) Lonely, overthinking, resigning. Don't want to get up, don't want to go to work, just want to sleep forever. But I also want tea.
(5) So. Tired. Exhausted really. Just, from what? Work today, then grocery shopping and now lying on bed for hours already. Mood up and down again today.
22(5) From almost crying to force-smiling and pretending everything's all right. Rinse and repeat.
(4) Tired, headache, pms, spontaneous crying, slight paranoia, irrational thinking and anxiety returning. Don't understand myself anymore.
23(5) Headache half of the night, awake at 1/3/5 am, unmotivated, sad, still horribly emotional, need for tea, otherwise no idea what to do with myself.
(4) Feel like I'm about to turn into Hulk. Angry, frustrated, stressed, sad, lonely, anxious. Only first world problems, but I really want to demolish something.
(3) Can I please just sleep for some months or years?
(5) Glad today is almost over. Started deep cleaning my bathroom. Whatever happens next, at least the bathroom will be tidy.
24(6) Tentative 6. Definitely better than yesterday, but still random bouts of crying. Sun came out in the afternoon, started to clean my flat (but at all places at the same time, big chaos ensued),25(6) (Hopefully) finally free from the su*cide hormones, thank fcuk! Sunny and warm outside, continued cleaning flat (at this rate it'll take weeks but who cares) and feeling mostly good if a bit restless.
26(6) Done nothing productive, but still had a good time.27(5) More flat cleaning,felt slightly overwhelmed with all remaining tasks. Yoga helped me calm down, but now I'm really tired and on the verge of crying. Funny how being tired makes me so damn emotional.
(4) I only want to feel like I belong somewhere, so why is it that the biggest obstacle in my way is me?
28(4) Sleeping should have helped, but I'm still feeling bla. Stress is getting to me, feeling a bit overwhelmed and isolated by my own emotions. Work today, then appt with psychologist. Just wanna sleep.
(3) Called in sick at work, and most likely won't go tomorrow either. I know I should push myself, but for what. Pointless.
29(3) I'm such an arsehole and I don't know how to stop being one.
(5) 3 hours of sleep tonight. Stayed home again, finished cleaning flat (good feeling) and on the bus to my parents now. Feeling better than this morning, but still chewing on certain topics.
(4) And back down.
30(5) Ups & downs. Short night, lazy day, walk in the sun, playtime with cat, tired all day. Contradicting emotions & not brave (or stupid?) enough to do what's maybe for the best. Or to just get over it.31(4) Still can't make up my mind if it's okay to tell someone that certain topics 'trigger' me without meaning to insult or upset them. I've wanted to wait until I'm over it so I wouldn't have to address
(6) Nice lazy day after a short emotional crisis this morning. Home alone with bro and cat. Took my time doing things, relaxed a lot and took a bath. Early to bed.
April
MTWTFSS
      1(4) Okay morning, though tired, lazy & uninspired. Now mood's gone down again & even more unmotivated than before. I don't want these negative automatic reactions for the rest of my life; it's exhausting.
(5) Distracted myself with tidying out my old room at my parents. Made good progress and felt lighter afterwards. Then watching tv with bro and playing with cat. Mood much better than this morning.
2(6) Not much internet today, felt good. Parents back, not as much progress at tidying out as hoped, but beautiful weather and played with cat. Bit tired, but mind mostly quiet today.3(5) Tired, unmotivated, overthinking. Worried it might turn into some neurotic/paranoid thinking again. Hard to concentrate on sorting thoughts with people around me.
(6) Mood slowly improved, visited grandpa, had some cake, received nice messages from friend to abate some of my neurotic thoughts, just pretty tired all day, but also calmer.
4(6) Nice day, shopping with mum, over 20°C and sunshine most of the day, nice food, playtime with cat, just bloody tired most of the time. Taking it slow and enjoying quality time with cat.5(6) Another nice day, check up at dentist, walking, playing with cat, still taking it slow & not spending much time online. Quite calm & relaxed, just still very tired & early to bed every day this week.6(7) Happiness is a warm cuddly cat in bed with you. Sunshine, not so tired, great mood for the start into the day. Bit stressed with everything left to do, but also still rather energetic. Thanks tea!7(5) Pretty hectic, but okay day. Last minute packing, chatting with friend who stayed over, tired and stressed most of today. Late to bed.8(5) Short night, tired. Longish and tiresome travel to Glasgow, but arrived safely. Exhausted after arriving at my host's place and stayed in. Scones for dinner.
9(6) Visited kindergarden my friend's doing her internship at. Spent all day with her and her school mates and visited People's Palace and Riverside Museum. Walked 25K. Sun after 3pm.10(6) Science Center with friend's kindergarden group, lots of fun but also physically exhausted. Enjoy spending time with friend and her mates. Not lonely and barely overthinking.11(5) Lazy day, very tired and sluggish, affects mood. Only got into town past 1pm. Could have spend hours at Waterstones. Tried deep fried mars bar for the first and probably last time. ?12(6) First time alone walking through city centre, then meeting with friends at Botanic Garden. First time during my stay that I really liked Glasgow and could see myself coming back. Loved the West End.13(6) Glasgow Cathedral, Necropolis, Kelvingrove Art Gallery, Botanic Garden again. Rain all day, but great time just with friend.14(7) Day trip to Isle of Bute. Sunshine, beautiful manor (Mount Stuart), relaxing beach walk, and seals! Bute-iful day with lovely people. ???15(6) Last day spent with hardcore shopping, lots of walking and last minute tourist attractions. Had dinner with friend at her hotel. Very tired, but bittersweet saying goodbye.
16(5) Packing, writing postcards, very last minute shopping. Stressed and hectic, but made it to airport in time. Very tired and bored, but had a complete row of seats to myself.
(3) Arrived safely back in Berlin, but disappointed by (non-) reactions of family and friends to „I'm back“ messages. Exhausted, annoyed, lonely, overwhelmed. Welcome back to Berlin.
17(4) Overslept, skipped uni, low mood all day, physically exhausted, overwhelmed. Dragged myself to therapy and grocery shopping, but other than that avoided all human contact. Still angry & disappointed.18(3) Dream of my brother being missed continued tonight. Took me far too long to realise he's at home sleeping. Hard to calm down.
(5) First day back at uni. Feeling overwhelmed with all the people, noises and smells. Questioning every decision I've ever made. Don't really wanna be here, but at least the weather is great.
(4) Thank God for sunglasses. Can't keep away the tears and crashing feeling of hopelessness. Pressure on chest, irritated and overwhelmed by practically everything. Lonely. The person I want to talk to
(3) More crying, insecurities and overthinking. Want it to stop. Want every noise surrounding me to disappear. Don't want to be so emotionally clingy. Fucking hate everything and most of all myself.
(2) This guy is driving me mad.
19(5) Feeling a bit more like a human again, and less like Ms Hyde. Period started, relieved, but I don't know how many more of these horror PMS I can endure.20(6) More 5.5 but all in all a good day. Bit bored and bothered by heat at work, but alone with fav colleague, then spent 5 hours at friend's place and got fed with ice cream and fruits. Bonus cat cuddles.21(6) Mood is good, sun is shining, people aren't too big arseholes for once, head is full of ideas, but it's pretty hard to focus and concentrate on one task. Want to do everything at once.
(5) Headache since noon, annoyed by people after grocery shopping, haven't got much done and pretty tired and unmotivated in the evening. Early night, mood is okay.
22(6) Shit night (woken up at 00.45 and kept awake way past 3 am by loud people outside), but mood is strangely good. Motivated, but again unfocused. Just ordered a bag I've wanted for some time.
(6) Spent 5 hours cleaning my balcony, planting seeds and revarnishing my balcony furniture. Sun all the time, was sweating a lot and can feel my whole body now. Pleasantly tired and achy.
(5) Can't fall asleep, apparently I'm not tired anymore, thoughts racing, overthinking. Really thought the short night and today's physical exercise would guarantee a good night's sleep.
23(5) So tired and hopelessly unmotivated. Will try to run some errands later and hope for a much better sleep tonight.24(5) Again a shit night, but more energy today. Weird dream of old friends which made me contact them after almost 4 months. Still unfocused, a bit anxious, unmotivated, but finally did the dishes!25(5) Don't know how to rate mood. Not feeling great, but also not really bad. Skipped uni and slept some more. Almost no guilt. Worrying behaviour. Overwhelmed with minor things again. No concentration.26(4) Overwhelmed with writing a letter to a friend. Why. This doesn't make sense. Slept for too long, didn't want to get up, skipping sports class, absolutely no motivation whatsoever.
(3) Apparently I'm not suffering enough to be taken serious. Which of course might be a good thing, but it's so damn frustrating when no one ever listens to you.
(2) Skipping work again, want to stop existing but my remaining AD pills won't be enough to do the job.
(4) Bit better, but mentally exhausted. Thanks for all your hugs and support, dear Pandas! Means a lot to me.
27(5) Bad start, but then an okay day, work was a better distraction than expected. Very tired though, and still a bit angry about everything.
(4) Despite having been tired all day I've managed to overthink and rob myself of the relaxation I'd finally achieved. Now lying in bed, trying not to break down crying again. It's just thoughts. I hope.
28(5) Would love to log a higher number, but unnecessary expectations have not been fulfilled and I'm not sure I want to fight against the disappointment. It is what it is. Get over it or accept it.29(6) Yesterday improved, mostly because I spent all day working in the garden. Didn't really like it but it was a good distraction. Today was a bit lazier, spent mostly outside in gorgeous sunshine.
30(6) Another day spent working in the garden, a few down moments created by doubt and disappointment, but nice barbecue with family. Could easily fall asleep after some drinks.
May
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Tired, as every day these past few weeks. Again working in the garden, but decided against going back to Berlin today. Really don't want to deal with anything there when I have a great garden with a2(6) Some more gardening, it's really a neverending task. It was fun though and everyone's mood was good. Packed things for Berlin, still don't want to go. Getting tired. 6 is for the gardening.
(4) In bus back to Berlin. Bored, moody, overthinking. At the point again where listening to audio messages by friend leads to strange negative behaviour and thoughts. Almost back to dread listening to
3(5) 2nd night in a row woken up by headache. Too much gardening for an unathletic person? Neck and shoulders are stiff. Therapy and work today. Mood okay-ish, but kind of don't want to get up.
(4) Don't think I'll renew therapy sessions when current ones end in September. She seems bored of me, and even if it's just in my head I don't feel like getting anywhere. Headache. Unmotivated. Blah.
(5) Work was okay, though a bit boring. Mood is blah. Don't know why I should keep taking my meds if that's all they manage. I won't stop, but it feels pointless.
(4)
4(5) Overslept, but made it on time to work. Everyone is annoying me, don't want to be around people today. Everything is blah, blah, blah.
(3) I've come to dread coming home since that new neighbour has moved in. He gives me more anxiety than I need right now. Hate this place, hate this life, hate my inability to cope. Great 30+ years ahead.
(4) One year since my major emotional breakdown and joining MP. Not feeling great, but still better than last year. Life seems still pointless and lonely.
5(5) Still hating my neighbour with a vengeance. Hoping the suppressed anger will give me a heart attack some day. The tought of talking to him gives me anxiety. So I just sit and wait and pray for calm.6(4) Thanks for waking me up, shit neighbour.
(6) Feeling quite all right at the moment, sun is shining, I'm taking it very slow, made some progress on personal stuff, cooked lunch and dinner, ignoring my neighbour as best as I can.
(5) Talked with mum on the phone. She reminded me about something my grandma hasn't done and how peculiar her behaviour was and now I'm back to wondering what I've done wrong that she treats me like this.
(4) Well, that hurts more than expected. Downward spiral.
7(3) I'm surrounded by neighbours who don't care about anything.
(4) So grateful for this unbelievable restful night. Not.
(5) Made progress with household chores (6), but also angry about neighbours and therapy (4). Talked to a friend about it and feel really upset now.
(6) Finished cleaning flat, showered, about to eat dinner. Neighbour was away most of today, we'll see how the night turns out.
(4) And down again. Dat damn neighbour.
8(5) Slept with earplugs tonight and it worked better than expected. Still woke up at 1 am and lost them at one point in the night. Neighbour greeted me with music at 7 am, anger rising in me again.
(4) Anxious.
(3) useless
(4) Don't want to live here anymore, don't want to live anywhere, just don't want to live.
9(4) Got a sick note for this week's missed classes. My GP seems far too understanding and willing to let me stay at home, which is great, but I feel like I'm taking advantage of this. Need to push myself
(5) Better therapy session, walking in the sun, sport with friend (6). Now sitting here crying over the same old shit. Starting to withdraw again (4). Not good at dealing with interpersonal relationships.
10(5) Surprisingly calm night and I may have slept through it until 6.30 am. Feels great to have had one good night.
(6) No annoying neighbours all day. Pure bliss. Bit worried about doing nothing, but after a while I realised the world won't end just because I'm enjoying the calm time doing nothing.
(4) Feeling guilty and ashamed for having not so kind thoughts about friends. Just because of this (and how often it happens) I don't deserve any friends at all.
11(5) Okay time at work, favourite colleague was good distraction. Shortly after back to overthinking with instant negative results.
(3) Neighbour back, chest pain back, desperation hits full force. Maybe he will finally make my SI come true. Or just give me a heart attack, that's easier.
12(4) Woke up at 2.30 am, opened balcony and birds are waking me up again and again. Not mad, just tired.
(5) Unmotivated, sluggish, lonely. Want to end all connections, and yet still wait for someone to contact me. Tired of always waiting though. It's all I've been doing for years, waiting for other people.
(3) PMSing. The hopelessness is real though, just intensified.
(2) Here we go again. PMS-induced paranoia, overthinking and crying fit. Just let me die.
13(4) People suck. Shit night. Tired. Full of hatred for my neighbour who put on his music on the balcony at 5 am and is now singing (very badly) exactly there. Just let me sleep, you arsehole.
(5) Good 2 hour talk with my mum on the phone, now back to overthinking.
14(5) Bit better. Talking apparently helps. Note to myself: remember this, dumbass. Going for a walk later and grocery shopping.
(6) Nice walk in the sunshine.
15(5) Short night again. 4.45 am is NOT a great time to listen to music & smoke on your balcony. Tired and bit anxious. Back to uni after 3 weeks... I'm sure nothing will happen, but I still fear the worst.16(5) Would be a 6 if I weren't so tired. Uni was better than expected and I'm glad some people aren't as horrendous as my head likes to make me believe. Therapy, then sport and hopefully a restful night.
(6) Still very very tired, but went to therapy and sport, and had a friend reach out to me which made me feel helpful. Hoping for a calm night.
17(4) Why can't you just let me sleep, you arsehole (aka. neighbour)?
(3) Apparently my neighbour is not Korean, but Black and doesn't speak German. Wonderful. And apparently water dripping down from my plants bothers him. Really? REALLY? Not being able to fucking sleep
(5) Tired, tired, tired. Still mad at everyone and everything. Some overthinking, but I blame my fatigue. Work was okay, though boring. Glad to be leaving town for a while, just wish I was already there.
18(6) Much better night, slow day, still tired and need to move, but cat helps as usual. Though feeling a bit lonely and worrying over usual stuff.
(5) Still tired all day, talking and thinking mostly nonsense. Bit melancholic and lonely, overthinking and withdrawing. I hope it's just because I'm tired. Haven't done much today.
(4) Low-key sad, lonely and disappointed in my decisions, character and myself in general. Ruminating.
19(5) Okay night, but feeling a bit blah. Still lonely, sad and resigned, but cat is cute and peonies are in bloom.20(4) Life sure has its good moments, but almost every day I still notice I'd rather not be alive.
(5) Not in a positive state of mind.
21(6) Mood got better last night all of a sudden, and I spent today mostly outside in the sun and very lazy. Finally managed to talk about some things with friend and feel lighter. It'll be hard and weird22(5) Tired, motivated, relieved, nervous, relaxed, anxious, lazy, a bit of everything. Hoping to strengthen friendship but still doubtful though trying to stay calm, and don't want to go back to Berlin.23(5) „Awake“ or something like that. Very short night, and on my way to Berlin. Wanna sleep for the rest of the day, omg.24(4) Back in Berlin, back to sh*t nights. Wonderful.
(6) Pleasantly exhausted but also kind of energized and motivated after Pilates, then another quiet day at work. Things didn't look so bleak today and I wish it was this easy to bounce back more often.
25(4) No sleep, no sleep. With the windows closed it's too warm, with the windows open it's too loud.
(6) Work was again very quiet, met with friend afterwards and had a good time. Exhaustion always noticeable. Mood okay, but I desperately want to sleep. Still procrastinating talking to neighbour.
26(6) FINALLY a calm night. Still woke up a few times, but I feel so much better. Even kind of motivated and energised. Already went shopping and will meet a friend later. Content and relaxed.
(7) Spent most of today shopping with friend and away from neighbour. Really enjoyed this time despite the heat and hurting feet (17K steps) and absolutely didn't want to go back home.
27(3) So fucking mad. Woken up by music at 5 am again and asked neighbour to turn it off since other people want to sleep. He made fun of me & wasn't understanding at all. I'm so angry, awake & frustrated.
(5) Got up a 6 am and practically worked through till right now (with little breaks and a long phone call with my parents). Despite the short night I was very energised and motivated and got a lot done.
(3) Dammit.
28(4) Feeling hollow. Amazing how one innocent sentence can make me want to give up on everything in a matter of seconds. Struggling to get out of this mindset, but it's so familiar and easy.
(4) I'm living in a fantasy/dream world. I know I need to wake up, but have no idea how to deal with the real world.
29(5) Not good, not bad. A bit hollow and uncertain, unmotivated and lethargic, indifferent and lonely, counting the minutes and waiting, always waiting for something that will never happen.
(5) Feeling a bit better. Washed hair, went to yoga and grocery shopping, showered and had dinner. The heat is making me feel sluggish though and I'm waiting for rain and cool air. Bit lonely/melancholic.
30(4) Woken up again by music at 5 am. He doesn't seem to understand it. Angry.
(4) Kinda pissed off by friend (tho don't really know why), neighbour won't open door, constantly sweating, tired, headache from heat, but went to uni and will go to therapy next. Pissed off in general.
(5) Bit better after therapy and forcing myself to reply more normally to friend's messages. Finally clouds in the sky and it's windy. I can breathe again. Really not made for anything above 25 degrees.
31(5) Idk. Annoyed by neighbour, content after doing taxes, good feeling after pilates, then easily irritable at work, now calmer again and tired. Too warm, people too inconsiderate, slightly overthinking.
June
MTWTFSS
    1(3) Neighbour.
(4) Grumpy cat. Too hot, too tired, people too inconsiderate.
(3) For once it's quiet outside (for now), and I can't stop the overthinking or the tears. I can't deal with people, I don't understand how they work. Most of all I don't understand myself.
(2) Don't think I can do this
2(3) Neighbour, headache, emptiness.
(1) I can't do this for much longer.
(3) Almost scared enough to not leave my flat. But I need to withdraw money and buy food. Still extremely upset, hate what this does to my head.
3(4) Quiet night, feel a bit rested. Took me a whole day to calm down yesterday, and I can still feel the exhaustion. Neighbour's been unusual quiet, but I don't have high hopes that it'll stay like this.
4(4) Lots of issues occurring at once, don't know where to start fixing things. Short, but calm night. Started feeling better, then received rejection from potential new flat, huge disappointment. Ok tho.
(5) A big thank you for all your hugs, comments and support in the last days, Pandas! They meant and still mean a lot to me and give me the strength to keep going. I'm sorry I haven't replied to your
5(5) Next negative reply. No consultation at the psychology department of my uni for this month. Bit bummed, but will try again next month and also have my appointment at Charité on Thursday.6(4) Overslept, neighbour loud again, so pissed off. No motivation at all, but at least have to go to second class.
(3) Just met my neighbour in front of the house and he had the audacity to grin and say 'hey'. The F*ck bro? Just seeing him makes my blood boil. I'm SO MAD right now.
(5) Bit better. Therapy, sport, lots of unhealthy food for very little money. PMS demands this right now.
7(6) Good first appointment. The guy I was talking to was very friendly and likeable. We both love the Harry Potter books.
(5) Bit blah right now. Probably tired. Mood dropped a bit at the end of work, was alone again & workload is increasing. Overall a surprisingly good day (appt, Pilates, 1/2 work), except for start & end.
8(5) Moody and easily irritable today. Probably PMS related, so still a 5. Home from work, straight back to bed. Wanted to go shopping, but too bloody hot out there. Delayed until tomorrow morning.
(4) There are the tears. And the doubt. And the guilt. And the sheer worthlessness.
9(4) Woken up by neighbour's smoking, annoyed. Listened to friend's audio, annoyed. By now this happens automatically when certain topics pop up. Too annoyed and tired to start day, but I need to buy food.
(3) Tired of always being the one left out. Worse is to know it's my own fault, and I just don't know how to change.
(4) I need a break from myself.
10(3) Relatively quiet night, but now neighbour is back to loud music on his balcony and it seems it doesn't even matter at which hour he does it, he makes me mad in a matter of seconds by now.
(4) Have to attend a birthday party and pretend that I'm fine while all I want to do is bang my head against a wall.
11(3) Just sad, disillusioned, resigned.12(3) Feeling bad for feeling bad when I don't even have a reason to feel bad.
(5) Tentative 5. Yoga, grocery shopping, message from friend. Calmed down for now.
13(6) Just had a motivational push and finally did my dishes. Very pleased. Skipping uni and therapy were the anxious and angry part of today (4). Sport with friend made me feel better again, so 6 overall.14(5) I don't even really remember that day... badly pinched nerve in arm at night, not much sleep, Pilates, work, mood okay, but really tired all day.15(5) 5.5 Short night, tired all day, but work was fine and I had fun with my colleague. Went home and took a 3 hour nap.... right. Mood wasn't bad though.16(4) Bad start into day (annoyed at neighbour), then everything and everyone triggered me. Calm downed throughout day, but unmotivated, lacking in concentration and tired all day. Melancholic in evening.17(6) Only 4 hours of sleep, but highly motivated and cleaned whole flat. Worrying and overthinking in the evening, but overall very pleased with myself.
18(5) Okay-good mood at work, but short night and pretty tired. Took another 3 hour afternoon nap, this shouldn't turn into a habit. Bit annoyed and upset in the afternoon, overthinking, angry at myself.19(4) Bitter and upset describes most of today perfectly.
(6) Yoga.
20(4) Shit night, headache, neighbour singing on his balcony. When will the hate and anger stop.
(5) Therapy not as horrible and pointless as expected. Grateful for my friends, but feel like I don't deserve them. A bit sad, empty and very tired.
21(6) Very tired and fuzzy, but there's been a lot of red lately and I don't feel bad right now. On bus to parents and listening to music. Brings back lots of good memories.22(5) Loooong Thursday evening with grandpa suddenly in hospital, visiting him and getting him some things on very little sleep. Haven't done much today, very tired, but good mood. Cat very much helps.23(6) Cold and rainy day, slept in, went to flea market with parents. Spent rest of day on couch with cat, tv, mobile and ebook reader. Relaxing and peaceful.24(6) Good and nice day, but starting to feel stressed and anxious now preparing things for tomorrow. Don't want to go back to Berlin, but have two doctors appointments tomorrow.
25(6) Early back to Berlin, mood quite okay. 2 appts to attend. 1st one at Charité went very well and I'm grateful they offered me this chance to get a diagnosis. 2nd appt with pills-doctor was a complete26(7) A very energised day. Got a lot done, was motivated and felt good and positive. Also went to the cinema with a friend. Felt like the start of hypomania, but it seems to have been just an one-off.27(6) Pretty long day, out and about from 8 am to 8 pm. Uni, errands, therapy, sport, yoga. Tired at the end of the day, but still really motivated and in good spirits. Pleasantly exhausted in the evening.28(5) Bad night, exhausted and headache all day, very irritable, but went to work and yoga. Felt better afterwards. Felt bad for kind of venting on my friend, but also learned a lesson through this.29(7) Awake since 3 am, haven't felt really tired all day. Work with fav colleague, good chats with friend, very entertaining messages. Feel appreciated, and like life's good for once. Bit too hot though.
(4) And now I'm sitting here on the verge of crying, feeling disappointed in myself & worthless. How can one tiny & unimportant thing make me feel so defensive. Lesson learned but not internalised yet.
(3) Loneliness. Pure and unadulterated loneliness and the nagging question why I have to go through life alone. Don't feel like I belong anywhere. Not to my family, not to my friends, nowhere.
30(4) Seems like the good days are over. But I've had one very nice week and am grateful for this breather. Just wish it could have gone on longer so I actually had the chance to get uni things done.
(5) Bit better. Ran some errands, started sorting out finances, and finally had breakfast. Still easily irritable, but hope I can handle things better than I did last night and this morning.
July
MTWTFSS
      1(6) Felt better upon waking up, despite a really shit night. Party in the restaurant next to me until 5 am. Maybe slept for 4-5 hours. Still feeling motivated and hopeful.
(3) New 'confrontation' with neighbour. He pisses me off SO MUCH. I watered my plants, water dripped down on his balcony (yes, more than few drops, but still, it's just water) and he threw water on mine.
(5) Calmed down, but didn't get much done and feel physically and emotionally exhausted. Hopefully I'll manage to leave my flat tomorrow and just go on with my life.
2(6) Let's try it again with the good start into the day, hoping my neighbour will remain civil today. Good night, feeling motivated and active. Done the dishes, so that's already one success!3(6) Probably a 6, because most of today was good, but I felt strange after the last appointment at Charité (for now). Already kind of missing the guy and disliking myself for liking someone I barely know.4(5) Woke up and got up early, went to uni and therapy, have quite a good mood, motivation and some energy, but also feel very exhausted by the heat at the same time. Just want to sleep.5(6) 5,5 Mood pretty good most of today, got up early, went to Pilates and work, but friend shared some potential unpleasant noise and I'm worried. Since then I've been stuck in unpleasant thoughts.6(5) Tired, easily irritable and still stuck in my head and all my complexes. They haven't been this prominent for a long time, guess liking someone brings up all the shit and insecurities about yourself.7(4) Day started all right, though tired the whole time, but mood turned bad around noon and I can't seem to snap out of it. Tired, moody, lonely, but also unapproachable, irritable and withdrawing.8(4) Still in a piss-poor mood. Struggled getting out of bed despite knowing there'll be a street party in front of my house today with constant loud music for 7-8 hours. I wanted to flee this year and not
(6) Feeling a lot better. Put ear plugs in and started tidying out a part of my flat. Made great progress, feel satisfied and pleasantly exhausted. Beer, food and tv now, then off to bed.
9(5) An okay day that started good and productive, but turned into overthinking and feeling unmotivated at the end.10(6) 6.5 Again a very productive day, had another open talk with friend and could finally stop with this kind of overthinking. Yoga in the evening.11(6) I'm either happy and motivated or easily irritable and irrational. Mood can change fast, but energy still there so trying to make the best of it.12(5) Low energy day. Rain almost all day and dark outside. Might factor in. Skipped worked and stayed home, almost no guilt. I needed a day off & I'm back to work & hopefully more energy tomorrow.13(6) Highly amusing dream last night about being diagnosed as Bipolar - type chocolate. Went to work and energy level increased throughout day. Slightly annoyed at neighbour, but calmed down again.14(7) Still wondering about this quite persistently good mood lately, and also always a bit worried when it might be gone again, but more than that I'm trying to enjoy it as best as I can.15(5) Day started with good mood and energy, then procrastination kicked in and now I'm tired and unmotivated. Been lying on my bed for hours. Mood okay though.
16(5) Full-on procrastination mode. Not good.
(6) Went to Ikea with friend and had a good time. Felt active and productive afterwards, just not in the way I'd needed it. Procrastination..
17(4) For last night. Disrupted sleep, overthinking, worrying about presentation tomorrow.
(5) Made progress with presentation and went to yoga (6), but also procrastinated for far too long. Mood okay, but stressed.
18(7) Up at 5 am to finish presentation, felt elated and made it to uni on time. Felt productive and efficient.
(5) Bummed after prof's comment after presentation even though I know he's completely right. Mood got downhill from there. Skipped sports course, but went to yoga.
(3) Another neighbour situation. At my wits' end, talked with a lot of people and will probably go to the police tomorrow. Crying, shaking, not able to think clearly. Such an unnecessary waste of energy.
19(3) Mood still low, very short night, raging headache, asked boss to change today's shift. Preparing myself for police later.
(5) Calmer after having filed a charge, but had a major headache all day and am utterly exhausted now.
20(5) 5.5 Work, then bus to parents. Tired and irritable all day, but also feeling much calmer and better than yesterday.21(6) Still waking up far too often throughout night and pretty tired, but cat, pool and visit to grandpa's garden were great.22(6) Worried about grandpa after his fall, we need to keep an eye on him and kind of nurse him back to health. Hot day, pretty tired, but enjoyed cat and pool time. Veeeeery lazy day.
23(6) Long day with no pool time. Spent almost 6 hours at my grandpa's, cooked him lunch, had cake with him, and helped with computer problems. Bro and mum also came by, then preparing stuff for my brother.24(5) Cat, pool, heat. Going back to Berlin in the evening, stressed with packing things. Mood is good, but I'd rather stay here than go back to my hot flat. Heat is starting to take its toll. Exhausted.25(5) Simply melting away. 32 degree. Bad night, super tired, couldn't concentrate at work, stressed with everything that's happening in the next few days, want time off, but did go to yoga.26(6) Appt at uni psychology department. Felt a bit overwhelmed and everything is going way too fast. Basically have to tell my current therapist that I'm ending our sessions to start CBT soon.27(6) Main activity: sweating. Summer party at work, nice time with colleagues, but ate far too much and had nasty stomachache afterwards. Too hot to function, nothing gets done these days.28(5) Slept on balcony, cool air around me all night, bliss. Bit more active than expected, but still too hot, needed a lot of breaks and just breathing makes me sweat. Thunderstorm an hour ago.29(6) Cooler day and found out that neighbour is probably moving out. Should be happier about this, but exhaustion dulls everything. Didn't get much done, but enjoyable day.
30(5) Too hot and too tired, getting up early to get some things done before heat gets too much. Not eating enough. Heat is exhausting. Evaluation at Charité later.
(4) Unexpected inner emotional turmoil after evaluation. Not because of the diagnosis, but I already miss the psychobabe. Won't see him again and emotions overwhelmed me after leaving the building.
31(5) Exhausted. 36 degree today. Trying to leave flat for as long as I can, but what to do in this weather when all I want to do is sleep?
(4) Spent some time at uni with A/C and had good chat with friend. Now I'm back home and feeling sad and disappointed after receiving letter from friend instead of being grateful and happy. Can't shake
August
MTWTFSS
  1(6) Really tired and constantly sweating but mood improved at work (actually thought about skipping this morning). Not able to focus on something for long though.
(4) Ended current therapy today. It was weird, I feel weird. A bit numb, overwhelmed and as if I've made a big mistake. I hate changes, but I've wanted this. Why is it so hard then?
(3) Pretty down, crying, exhausted. Too emotional, feel like a failure. Back to thinking that everything is pointless. Don't understand myself.
2(5) Loooong and exhausting day. Got up early, cleaned flat, went to work, finished cleaning flat, sweating all the time, bus to parents, cuddling cat, early to bed. Mood picked up throughout day.3(6) Been away from MP for a while and now trying to remember the past month. ? // Hot day, little energy, but cat and pool, mood quite good as far as I remember.4(5) Mum's birthday, wanted to chill but were busy and had lots to prepare (just cleaning though). Hot hot heat, exhaustion, loud party at night. Not the kind of birthday you'd want to have I guess.5(5) 5.5 Another long and exhausting day, mood good/okay, little sleep, always tired, preparation for bbq tonight, always busy, bit drunk at the end.
6(6) Good and lazy day, worried about grandpa after his fall in June though.7(4) Worried about cat. He had a fight last night, an open wound and has to stay over night at the vet to get stitches in the morning. Trying to stay calm, but I keep on worrying over the tiniest things.8(6) Cat back home. ? Still a bit worried, but very good to have him back. Heat is relentless, but things are okay so far.9(5) Too hot, too tired, too lazy, mood very blah.10(5) Still very tired, temperatures dropped though. Worrying, overthinking, physical aches, procrastination.11(6) Shopping with my mum, then dinner with family. Cat seems to be doing better, bit worried about friend.12(5) Conflict between mum and bro, long talk in the afternoon, cat's stitches don't look good, emotionally exhausting day.
13(5) Visited grandpa, and did a lot of nothing. Too hot to function. Again worried about cat's stitches. They look infected and we have to go to the vet again tomorrow.14(6) Worried about cat and friend, but could take cat back home again this time after vet and I finally talked to long-time internet friend on the phone for the first time. Proud and content.15(5) Mood okay, but a bit stressed. Last day at home, and as usual I'm doing everything at the last moment.16(4) Back in Berlin, exhausted and overwhelmed by everything. Called in sick at work and slept for some hours. Mood quite down most of today. Too many negative thoughts at once.17(4) Shit night, headache from hell, irritable all day, really bad mood, physically and emotionally exhausted. Mood improved at the end of day.18(5) 5.5 Incredibly lazy day, but apparently I needed all this doing nothing. Got up at 1pm, just stayed at home, rested, and feel better physically and emotionally.19(6) Day started slow, ran some errands, but mood improved after friend asked me if I wanted to meet her. After 2+ years of internet friendship this opportunity was elating and frightening.
20(5) 5.5 Doctor appt in the morning, embarrassing and anxiety-inducing but everything all right. Bit guilty for bad thoughts yesterday, but slowly getting over it. Thinking about self-sabotage.
(2) Bad emotional crash out of nowhere. Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, envy, anger, crying for hours. Don't want to meet friend anymore. Want to cancel and maybe sever contact. PMS at its finest.
21(4) Shit night, still feeling low, but also more optimistic than last night. Train ticket prices increased over night and I'm so disappointed to really not be able to meet her (despite still wishing for22(5) Period started, feeling instantly better. Hormones remain a mystery to me. Work, another hot day, met a friend in the evening and went to cinema. Tired all day, but enjoyed time with friend.23(5) Long day full of preparations, hot weather, errands and going to work. Chocolate helped to improve my mood. :) Far too late to bed to get up at 5 am again tomorrow.24(8) Short night, pretty tired, long day, lots of travelling, but met internet friend for first time and we had a great time together. ?25(6) Whole day of doing nothing. Tried to catch up on all the sleep I've missed in the last few days.26(5) Tried to be more active and to clean the flat, but motivation was gone too soon. Worrying and overthinking, not a great end of the day.
27(4) Plumber appt early in the morning and good mood (7), but soon started to feel panicky out of nowhere. 2nd therapy session with new therapist was good, but didn't get anything done afterwards. Tired.28(5) Bad mood, irritable, listless, unmotivated, headache. Went shopping in the afternoon and mood improved a bit. Eating and showering helped, too.29(3) Pretty pissed off at work (4), then better mood but very tired and headache, cinema with friend in the evening (6), horrible emotional breakdown afterwards (3)30(5) Feeling flat, drained and uncomfortable in my own body. Therapy then work. Tired, irritable, unmotivated, but mood improved at work after chat with friend. Early to bed.31(6) Woke up with good mood, but head was chaotic and I felt erratic half of the day, everything took ages. Went outside in the afternoon and enjoyed the walk.
September
MTWTFSS
     1(7) Got stuff done, walked a bit, enjoyed the sun and nice chats with friend.2(5) Irritable most of the day, felt a bit taken advantage of, listless, couldn't stop scratching my head despite the pain. A blah day.
3(6) Workshop today. Mood improved a lot, but very exhausted after everything I learned. Walked almost 10K. Lazy afternoon, mood dropped a bit in the evening (probably affected by exhausting).4(5) 5,5 Workshop day 2. Felt blah and tired in the morning, and didn't look forward to giving a short presentation, but it wasn't as bad as expected and I learned a lot. Walked a bit, stomachache all day.5(5) Bad night, very tired all day. 3 h diagnostic appt in the morning, then work (absolutely unmotivated & did nothing). Grumpy cat. Still went to sports course afterwards & it finally energised me.6(6) Another bad night, tired, therapy at 9, work afterwards. Hectic, full and long day, but mood surprisingly good. Feel like new therapist understands me and wants to help me. Highly motivated.7(6) Day off, highly motivated in the morning and got some things done. Pleased with myself. Frustrated in the evening after three tries to install software and it still wasn't working.8(4) 4,5 Woke up too late, still frustrated by the software problem, spent too much money for unnecessary things, wasted too much time doing pointless things. Tired, hungry, dissatisfied.9(5) Finally caught up with backdating (sorry for the spam!). Got up earlier, finally assembled shelf but dissatisfied with result. Still in grumpy cat mood and kind of irritable. Loads to do, overwhelmed.
10(7) Thank you, lovely Penelope! ? This has been a great surprise and lovely start into the day. Pandalove! ?? (I'm feeling a bit guilty for wearing the gold without actually having earned it, though.)11(6) Hi Pandas! Not dead, just a bit lazy and asocial lately. Or just busy and overwhelmed? Trying to remeber and backdate the last month, so apologies for spamming you. Hope you're all well. ?12(6) Work, afterwards coffee with fav colleague, then sport with friend (so exhausting!). Quite a social day, early to bed, procrastinating tidying flat and preparing holiday.13(5) 5,5 Up early, tidying flat and packing my things, bit stressed, but motivated and getting things done. Work, then bus to parents. Exhausting, but still nice day.14(6) Quite tired all day, but enjoyed cuddling cat and spent time with my mum in town and then kitchen (as usual..). Good to be away from Berlin for some time.15(6) Sloooow day, started reading something and wanted to do nothing else all day. Missed this feeling. Baked cake. Headache since late afternoon. Fire alarm went off just before midnight. Exciting!16(5) Horrible night. Headache from hell all night, up at 3 am to get a painkiller, back to bed at 5 am. Slept for a while, but had headache for the rest of the day.
17(6) Still feeling the headache, lazy, tired and unmotivated, feeling slightly stressed and overwhelmed with last preparations for holiday. Mood still good though.18(5) Stressed, faulty communication, bad planning, and more stress hugely affecting my mood. Overthinking, worrying, head shutting down.19(4) Short night, cycling through almost all possible emotions, called in sick at work bc not enough time to prepare everything for tomorrow, shame, headache, errands, stress.20(6) Off to Scotland. Short night, but better mood. Flight went well and we made it to Balloch without complications. Cute room and lovely nature surrounding Loch Lomond. Very tired but happy.21(7) Sunshine, up Conic Hill enjoying the view, waterbus to Luss and back to Balloch. Lovely (and exhausting) day.22(7) Bus to Fort William, stop at Glen Coe. Again, lucky with weather. Saw the Hogwarts Express and went to Glenfinnan Viaduct. Found an amazing trail through the wilderness back to the train station.23(6) Went up a bit of Ben Nevis and enjoyed a lovely walk, then took bus to Skye. Bit unimpressed with Skye at the first glance (but also absolutely exhausted).
24(7) Lovely weather and we decided to sleep in. Took bus to northern tip of Skye (best bus drive of my life so far) and enjoyed the sea, landscape and sun. And there are sheep everywhere!25(6) True Scottish weather's finally arrived. Rain and strong wind all day. Took a trip to Dunvegan Castle, and spent rest of day lounging in our cottage. Blissful time of doing nothing. <326(6) Booked all-day tour of Skye. Very foggy (charming! but obscured too many amazing rock formations). Kilt Rock, Quiraing, Fairy Glen, Neist Point, Fairy Pools, Cuillins. So much to see, so little time.27(6) Train ride to Glasgow over Inverness. First part was amazing and we saw over 10 rainbows that day. Pretty exhausted. Lovely room in Glasgow, took an evening stroll to Hogwarts, I mean, the university!28(5) Not a bad day, but exhausted and overwhelmed with everything I still want to do. A lazy day would be great, but we've only two days left. Bit moody sometimes, overwhelmed with all the impressions.29(6) Last day packed with some more sightseeing, shopping and packing. Stressful, but overall still enjoyable.30(6) Short night, early flight back home. Saw a fox on way to bus station, made it in time to airport and enjoyed Chai Latte there. Sad to leave Scotland, I've had a great time. Until the next time. ?