4.8 avg
  264 days
  3078 hugs
  86 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(7) Happy new year Pandas! May all of you achieve what you're dreaming of and find peace and calm in the new year. ??? Thank you for 8 months of support here everyone, it's always much appreciated. ?2(6) A nice, okay day. Bit worried about cat after its unfortunate accident this morning.3(5) Everyone's back at work, except me and I'm enjoying some me-time for the first time in nearly two weeks. Really nice. Bit tired and stressed, and still worried about cat who's behaving weird.
(3) Really worried about cat. He's not doing well.
(6) Went to the vet, and relieved it doesn't seem to be as bad as expected. Doc suspects a marten's bite and gave him antibiotic. He already behaves more like his normal self. Hope he's better tomorrow.
4(7) Cat much livelier than yesterday. Spent a lot of time cuddling with him & he was seeking my affection. He seems completely changed & back to his usual self. So relieved & I hope it'll stay this way.
(5) Now that cat seems to be better, I have more mental capacity to go back to my usual worries. Stupid head. Feeling lonely, unwanted, worthless, even though there's probably no reason for this.
(5) Difficulties to stop scratching my head & face. This stupid habit has gotten worse again lately. Happens absent-minded & is most likely linked to stress & anxiety. The results show on my face though.
5(4) Stress and urge to cry increasing, worrying/overthinking all day long, PMS just about to start (or is it longer than 3 days for me?). Bad mood a result of the hormons again? Fucking annoyed and angry.
(5) Emotionally a bit better, but tired and headache most of today. Guilty for wasting the day with sleeping, but feeling much better now so whatever.
6(5) Trying to be a better, nicer and more selfless person. It's hard and anxiety is rising. No matter what I do I can't help feeling like in the end it's still just for me and not other people's sake.
(4) Took a look at my old blog and checked out things I shouldn't have. A lot of memories, good and bad ones, came back. The bad ones make me feel anxious, restless, disrooted, sad, regretful, slightly
(3) I'm not strong enough for life. Feeling like a stranger in my own life.
7(4) Going back to Berlin today. Stressed. Still loads to prepare & I'm a last minute packer which doesn't help either. Constant mood changes, but I'm glad I can also blame the hormones. Really tired tho.
(5) Safe trip back to Berlin, good time to arrive and unwind. Unpacked a bit, watched TV and enjoyed to be alone for some time. Mood a bit more stable and neutral for now.
8(4) Hard time to get up, not motivated at all. Back to uni, back to work. Everything in me screams and wants to run away as far as I can. Decided to up my dose a bit. I think the ADs have helped with my
(5) 5.5 Feeling calmer & less overwhelmed by everything. Started to make an uni task plan & still trying to get back into old routine, loads to do. Will try to catch up on here tomorrow, too tired rn.
9(5) Overslept, unwilling to get up. Missed two lectures already, and am incredibly slow. I know I need to get up and things will get better and easier, but I'm just kind of blah blah blah.
(4) Such a fight against myself to get ready and actually leave the flat. Overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious. Just want to sit down and have a cry, then go to bed and sleep the day away.
(2) Anxiety
(5) Calmer, but physically and mentally tired. Meeting uni friend helped and distracted me (6). Thinking about calling in sick at work tomorrow. Not what I like to do, but thinking about going there lets
(2) Fuck it. I hate this. I have no idea how to make it through the next 30+ years like this.
10(3) Getting out of bed is pointless
(4) 4.5 Veeery slowly tidied my flat, had breakfast/lunch/food at 4pm, mind not constantly screaming anymore. Very slowly starting to feel more like a sane human being again.
(3) Writing to and with you feels like a stranger is doing it instead of me, as if there's something between us. And I know what it is, because I've put it there. I hate myself so much for erecting this
(2) I don't understand why I'm so fixated on one person. Is this normal, is this the depression and my loneliness, or do I have a personality disorder? Am I a freak to be kept away from humanity? It feels
11(4) Tired, unmotivated, dizzy. Okay therapy session. Could voice some concerns, but nothing I haven't said or known before. I always sound far more rational than I ever feel inside my head.
(4) Not so good: probably have urethritis. Bit better: the pain distracted me from me general bad feeling for a while and I went to the GP and got a sick note for tomorrow. Now I'm just tired and empty.
12(3) Headache, sad, tired, guilty for skipping work and cancelling study date. Don't wanna go outside at all, don't wanna meet anyone, but also don't want to be alone. In a depressive episode?
(4) Talking to my mum on the phone helped a bit. Still don't know what to do though. I've got a ton of stuff to do, but I'm too restless to start anything. I don't want to go outside, but I also don't
(5) Finally feeling calmer, glad to log a 5. Headache getting better now that I've started to eat. Have to go grocery shopping tomorrow and plan on taking a walk. I need to get outside no matter if I want
13(4) Desperately trying to cling to my 5, but last night's anxiety followed me into my dreams. My mind's constantly circling around one specific thing. It almost feels as if I can't do/finish anything else
(3) Post-Xmas-shopping is so much more enjoyable. Bought some stationary stuff I don't really need but like to collect. Mood dropped, anxiety rose, need to eat. Friend cancelled on me, relieved.
(3) I've brought this upon myself. No reason to cry and whine.
14(2) I just wanna sleep forever
(3) I think I'm not as badly off as 2 or 3 might suggest, but I'm not great either. I'm utterly unmotivated, fatigued and bored out of my mind. Overthinking/paranoia constantly kicks in.
(5) Just realised that tomorrow is actually Monday, that I have to go to uni and haven't prepared one thing. Yeah... sucks. Today's been a complete waste of time. Finally received a message from my friend
15(4) Stressed. Got up too late because I had a crisis about having to shower & wash my hair and make it in time to uni. Still haven't showered, not going to uni and overwhelmed by the easiest things.
(6) A tiny spark of hope is flickering inside me. Took a shower, cleaned hair, shaved legs, trimmed nails, took a lot of time just caring for my body and myself and even enjoyed it. Feels good to be
(5) Best day in over a week. Grateful for the hours of contentment. Also grateful that I could chat with my friend today but it also brought up mixed and contradicting feelings. Have to work through them.
16(5) Went to the GP to get a new sick note and expected at most 3 days but got one for the whole week. Feeling a bit guilty but also massively relieved. I have some more time to recharge and ground myself.
(5) Cleaned rest of my flat which was physically exhausting, but a clean flat helps me feel better. Friend visited in the afternoon, we talked a lot and it was great. Pretty tired whole time though and
17(6) 6 only because it started snowing a few minutes ago. ?? Otherwise it'd be a 5. Went to bed early, but had some trouble falling asleep, staying asleep and had some weird dreams. Pretty tired and want
(5) Going to uni, seeing all the people & waiting for my presentation partner brought up a lot of anxiety, but the meeting was good. We hit it off pretty well & talked about all kinds of personal things.
18(6) Bit stressed and anxious this morning, but screw it, it's snowing again! Beautiful fat snowflakes. ?????????? #snowflakelove
(5) Therapy was okay, but I didn't get anything done today. Tired, dizzy and headache all bloody day. I think it's because of the storm front above all of Germany today. Emotionally I'm okay though.
19(4) Yeah... I just wanna sleep. ?
(5) Disrupted night, tired, stressed, but mood okay. Had plans to meet with presentation partner again today, but we decided to postpone it until Sunday. Greatly relieved, but I'm still waiting for the
20(7) First snow, now sunshine, and my current favourite singer Tellef Raabe on the radio - so far it's been a good morning. ?
(5) Mood dropped a bit, I'm tired, unmotivated and lazy. Just want to go to bed. My usual irrational thoughts start to creep out again, but I think it's still under control. Not efficient when it's dark.
21(4) Tired, stressed, unmotivated. Presentation meeting today, and the procrastination needs to stop, preferably yesterday (or some years ago). I've started working on my text, but god, why is it always
(5) Feeling better now. I've made some progress even if it's laughable considering how much time I had, but a bit of the anxiety and stress is gone and I'm trying to focus on positive thoughts. Which is
(6) Thanks for 3000+ hugs, dear Pandas. ? Every single one of them means a lot to me!
22(3) Tired, anxious and stressed. Thanks, procrastination.
(4) Huge urge to shut off all electronic devices, go to bed and sleep the time away; never to be seen again. Stress and anxiety are paralysing.
(5) The bright side of procrastination: lunch with avocado, tomato and pumpkin-hummus on whole-grain bread. Bon app├ętit!
(4) Yeah, I really don't want to do this presentation. Slightly panicky.
(4) And on top of it all the green-eyed monster suddenly rears its ugly head rather out of the blue. Not as bad as usual, just a stab in my guts and a reminder that I still have to deal with this topic.
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