.8 avg
  330 days
  1747 hugs
  33 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3(0) 4(0) Don't want to be here.
(0) Went to the doctor because my throat is twisting roughly 25 degrees to the left. Earliest appointment to get it looked at at the hospital is in March I can't swallow food properly and they say March
5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7(0) My brain hates me and I want to fucking die
(0) Being awake is shit. Sleeping is shit. My dreams are shit. Cannot find any point to it all anymore. Fuck this
(0) Want to die but too fucking pathetic to do it myself.
(0) Anyone in the Cumbria area want to come kill me today? Can't offer any money but you can help yourself to any of the stuff I own
(0) Want to die now please
8(0) Decided Saturday night that I'm giving up weed. Need to get it out of the way to better understand myself. It's been out of my system for one full day and already I feel a big change. I will do this.9(1) Hope is felt properly today.10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11(0) Hate being this up-and-down with my mood. I just want consistency for once.
(0) Thought I could play piano to calm myself but family end up asking: do you have to do that now? No I dont but the alternative is cutting myself. So I'll do that instead since I'm obvs less important.
12(0) Drank half a bottle of whisky last night because I'm an absolute idiot. Got climbing today and I'm annoyed I won't be feeling my best.13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14(1) Climbing was good and went axe throwing yesterday. Feel like shit today though, but I knew that was coming. Doctor's appointment tomorrow, hoping it will alleviate some of my paranoia.
(0) Feel like I might die soon. Not even by my own hand. A feeling I can't shake off.
15(0) Can't sleep, scary bodily symptoms, too many to list here. Have called doctors to come over, it's 02:07am and I'm sat here waiting fucking terrified I might die
(0) Went to A&E last night, doctors saw me at 03:45am. Got an appointment with an eye doctor at two and seeing a general doctor at half five. Worried beyond belief.
(1) Eyes are in perfect shape, relieved about that. Still no idea what's wrong with me though. Still worried stupid.
16(2) Seeing doctor for blood tests, stressed about it still. Friend succeeded in relieving some of that stress. Still worried, but at least I've now fixed my record player.17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19(2) Yesterday was good, sleep too sporadic though. Taking me 5+ hours to get to sleep. Hypersomnia is new and not fun.20(1) Tired. Can't seem to get up any earlier than ten these days.21(3) Chilling with friends after a house warming. Things are ok.
22(0) Visual snow keeps increasing in density and intensity. Getting really upset about it now. I just want it to go away.
(0) Fuck today
23(1) Going to bed the same time each night but I keep waking up later and later.
(0) Ask to have friends round to stay over, something that I've done in the past with no problem. Mum says no, but is unable to give me a reason why. Thanks for attacking my happiness yet again, mum.
(0) How can I ever be happy when the woman that brought me into this world makes me want to die? Every time I think of her a pit opens in my heart, and I am sucked into it kicking, crying, and screaming.
(0) Sensible, happy Max hid the whisky thinking I wouldn't find it. I found it.
(0) Got drunk instead of killing myself
24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28(1) Haven't been sleeping right for the last three days before last night, when I got over 14 hours. Feel shaky and weak though.
29(0) I wish I didn't need to sleep.30(0) I'm not important here31To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
February
MTWTFSS
   1(1) Horrible dream loop last night. Went to sleep in the dream world, woke up in real life. Went to sleep in real life, woke up in dream world. This went on for hours. Haven't slept right in five days.2(1) Always at least one disappointment every day. I never get a break.3To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter4(0) Two weeks of this no sleep bullshit. Haven't been able to do any exercise. This can't continue or I'm just gonna fuxking lose it.
5(0) I just want to feel rested6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7(0) Fed up with fighting an uphill battle that constantly results in one step forward and fifty backwards. It's not fair anymore. I can't live like this.8(0) Hello, I am human garbage.9(0) Still not sleeping. Been three weeks now. Body falling apart because it can't repair. So close to calling it quits.10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11(0) Woke up feeling just as tired as when I went to bed. I don't have the strength to get through this because I need to sleep properly to gather that strength. Doctors can't suggest what to do.
12(0) Worried this lack of sleep is slowly killing me13(0) Haven't felt rested in over a month. I remember when I used to complain about other things. Why can't I sleep properly anymore?14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(2) Getting so bad at updating this regularly. DMing went great, everyone seemed to be having fun. Real tired now. Hopefully tomorrow is good.17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20(0) Had an early morning appointment that I missed because my sleep is so shit.
(0) Spent my time playing with Lego today instead of killing myself.
21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22(0) I even get panic attaks trying to buy fucking train tickets, might just give up and stay in an cry like usual.23(0) Left eye now drooping, I guess bells palsy is looking more likely than the doctors thought. Thanks life, you utter cunt. As if I didn't have enough things already pushing me towards suicide.
(0) Cried and got stared at on the train. One person even told me to stop sniffing so loud.
(0) Why do I always feel so alone?
24(0) Being asleeo and dreaming is way better than being awake.25(0) Blab blah blah, still not happy.
26(0) Took too long to realise I wasn't in a dream this morning. That's worrying.27(0)
(1) Worked out, did some art. Felt somewhat productive today and it had a marked impact on my mood. Doesn't change anything though.
28To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
March
MTWTFSS
   1(0) Sleep still absolutely fucked. When will it end?
(0) Want to die. My life isn't fun. I don't enjoy it. I haven't enjoyed it for years. There's absolutely no reason for me to stay here.
(0) Keep thinking about suicide.
(0) Ate a whole cake. Hasn't changed anything.
2(1) Managed to go climbing so there's something. Didn't sleep well though, no surprises there...3(2) Friends making me forget about shit. Also maybe the alcohol too.4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6(0) Sooooooo done with being this tired. When will it end? It's been three fucking months.7(0) Damned dream loop had me waking up and going back to sleep non-stop. This isn't fair.8(0) Woke up only to realise my dreams aren't real. Ffs9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10(0) 11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
12(0) Probably letting a friend down because I'm too fucking miserable to do anything today. Really don't want to be here right now.
(1) Friend was ok with me letting them down today. Recorded a small music therapy improvisation and posted it on my Instagram. got a lot of positive comments on it including one from an artist I admire.
13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15(0) Feel completely defeated today. Hate it. Still not sleeping properly.16To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter17(0) Sleep bad, really unsettled, probably because I've got people coming round later.18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
19(1) Had a good night with friends on Saturday. Got a pretty gnarly cold now though.20(1) Still ill, still not sleeping. Don't know what to do with myself.21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27(0) Some people were calling me ugly on the train, so now I feel ugly as shit. Why do I always encounter the worst people life has to offer? Oh yeah, because of my neverending bad luck. Fuck this.28To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30(1) Dreams aren't fun anymore, sleep is still terrible. Seeing friends today should be good though.31To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
April
MTWTFSS
      1(0) My bad luck never ends, as now I've got a bunch of tiny glass splinters in my legs. Great. Thanks life.
(0) Why is my life like this?
(0) Yet again Mum has neglected to tell me that she's not cooking dinner tonight. This happens every time she decides not to cook dinner. She just doesn't tell me? Why? Why don't I matter to her?
(0) I want to punch everything.
2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter5(0) This world is cruel. A friend got burgaled and had his head smacked in with a baseball bat after promising to cooperate over the weekend. Went round his last night to see him. People are such dicks.6(0) Sleep still hasn't improved. If anything it's getting worse. Haven't had a normal, good night's sleep since the 10th of fucking January. Can someone just come and knock me out every night?7(1) Friends coming round later. Should be good for the head.8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11(0) Need to update more but I'm sick of never updating with anything positive. Feel like shit. Still not sleeping.12(0) Friend unable to come over to work on art project for the fourth week in a row. Feeling utterly cursed.13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
16To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24(0) I want to scream25(0) Dreams aren't an escape anymore. So now I hate being awake and being asleep. Life just keeps taking away all that I enjoy, bit by bit.26(3) Poetry open mic was great. Drunk now. I know it only momentarily alleviates my mood, but it's something. Some small bit of progress. I know I'll feel like shit again tomorrow though.
(5) Wrote a good poem today then went and picked up a piano today from a lovely couple FOR FREE. I wish every day could be a free piano day.
27(0) From a good day, through some horrible dreams, to feeling like absolute shit. My sleep is never going to return to normal, is it? To make it worse, someone STILL hasn't paid me for a commission I did.
(0) Pessimistic prediction: client will not pay commission money owed by the end of today like they promised. It's been a fucking month now. Why do people think they can do this to artists?
28To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter29(0) Having a seriously bad day today. Already not managing. Just want to get back into bed and sleep forever.
(0) Just sat doing nothing, staring into space for an hour. Life is garbage.
30(0) I want to go back to the way things were ten years ago. At least I had something back then.
(0) Almost impossible to enjoy anything when I feel like this.
(1) Playing two pianos at once is pretty damn fun.
May
MTWTFSS
 1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2(0) Why do I get comedowns from having a good day? It doesn't at all seem fair.3To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter4(2) I never remember to update this when I'm out and about. Had my first good night's sleep since January last night. But sadly it made no difference on how tired I felt. Annoying to say the least.5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
7(0) Not sure how I feel8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9(0) Yesterday was good but I wore myself out too much. I just don't have the energy to do a full day of activities anymore, and it leaves me miserable and more than exhausted the next day.10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13(2) I feel ok-ish? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not a 0, that's for sure.
14(2) Again, not sure how I feel overall. Wrote some music for a potential new project for a friend. Feel a bit stagnant.15(2) Group therapy day. Time to talk about my problems and have none of them solved whatsoever. At least I get to see some friends later today.
(1) Group therapy is uuuuuuuuuuselesssssssss
16(0) Ten to one in the afternoon I'm still in bed. Fuck today.
(0) Ten to one in the afternoon I'm still in bed. Fuck today.
(0) I'm so drunk I commented on a YouTube video
17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
21(1) I never remember to update this when I'm out with friends and actually feeling anything close to a 5 because I don't let myself think about it. I don't want to remember that most of the time I'm shit.22(0) I just shouldn't bother trying with relationships. Even if I don't do anything for wrong I end up hurting people. I'm just destined to ruin things by trying to find happiness. Fuck this.
(0) I was right telling myself I shouldn't bother trying. I probably deserve to be alone. Why else would this sort of shit happen than to remind me I'm destructive even when I'm being the best I can be?
(1) I wish I could start from the beggining again.
(2) Been having some good ideas for an art project I've been working on. Still very much feel like shit though.
23(0) Woke up at four in the afternoon today. Playing piano didn't yeild anything positive. I feel like I've been beaten up.24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter26(1)
(0) My eyes sting. Feel numb.
(1) Every time I don't have my phone on me, I get missed calls. When I DO have my phone on me, I don't get any calls whatsoever. Just had one missed call after I put my phone down to go into the garden.
27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
28(1) At a friend's house so mood is up. Saw a picture on Instagram of a park I used to walk through while working in Japan. Can't fully express the longing to be acting there again. Maybe one day...29(3) Went out to meet friends at a waterfall, but they went to the wrong place. Ended up walking by myself and then having a little swim afterwards.30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter31(4) Destroyed myself at the climbing wall. Feeling quite accomplished right now but not liking how exhausted I feel.
June
MTWTFSS
    1(0) My dreams will be the death of me2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
4(2) Very unsure how I feel.5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6(0) Fucked up my finances again. I hate having discalculia, it makes life so fucking difficult.7(0) Really didn't want to get up but my body wouldn't let me sleep any longer8(1) Dreams better than real life again. They've been persistently shit of late so this is a nice break.
(0) Today has been shit. Everything is shit. I'm not living for anything.
(0) I don't want to die, but I don't want to live, either. This life sucks.
9(0) Airbnb guests woke me up too early by being too loud. Couldn't get back to sleep. Doesn't aid my hypersomnia at all. I just want to feel rested.
(5) Friend came round and taught me how to juggle
10(0) Airbnb guests at it again being too loud at an unreasonably early hour. As if my sleep isn't bad enough as it is.
11(0) Absolutely sick of having comedowns the day after a good day. It's not fair and makes it nearly impossible to cope. Two good days in a row and now I just want to die because of how miserable I feel.
(0) I don't have anything to live for
12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15(0) Feel like I won't amount to anything in this life. Piano wasn't even helping alleviate my mood today.16(0) Was going to exercise today. Haven't had enough sleep to exercise safely though. I guess I can say goodbye to feeling productive today.
(0) I'm desperate for love at this point. Which is worryingly unhealthy.
(1) Did a quick piano cover of the Death Stranding main theme. Feel a bit better for it. Won't last long though.
(1) A poem I wrote after attempting suicide once: Look out for me. Look for the signs. Help me to realise what I'd leave behind. Help me to calm down. Hold me till I'm sane.
17(0) Been drunk the last four nights in a row because I'm sick of not sleeping. Great job, Me.
(0) I wish I had a regular sleep cycle. Hope generally wearing so thin these days. I wonder sometimes if I'll make it to the end of the year.
18(0) I feel so trapped and am powerless to do anything about it.19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20(3) Saw an old friend on the train and had a good chat about art and mental health.21(0) Absolutely unsettled today. Can't do anything productive and it's making me angry.
(0) Everything is frustrating me to day. trying to learn some Rachmaninoff on the piano and it's stressing me out because my head's not in the right place to learn. Stopping myself from crying I cba
22(0) Tired, persistent throat problems worse every week. Getting an MRI scan for it next Wednesday, paranoid it's something serious, also paranoid it's something linked to my mental health they can't fix.
(0) Need to get a script finished this month if I want to actually shoot it this year, but I've only been in a good place to write twice since I began. How can I be productive when I'm so miserable?
(0) Just wrote one small scene for the script, then became frustrated and had to stop. I hate this. I hate living this life. I want something good for once. It's been years. How much longer will I wait?
23(4) Managed to keep a level head so far today. I've written 20 out of 40 scenes for my film, and I managed to make some decent progress on the Rachmaninoff piece. It's not a huge break, but I'll take it.
(2) Indecisive on what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day. Getting frustrated. Don't want to just sit and do nothing like I'd usually do.
24(4) Tiny bit of script work, some piano, juggling practice, and worked out my legs a bit in the sun. Feeling ok.
25(4) Productive workout, hour of juggling. Taking it easy now before therapy tomorrow. Feeling way better than usual.
(1) Suddenly feel like crying, and I don't know why.
26(1) Have not slept well at all. Today is going to be rough.
(3) Therapy today was as it always is. Working on film project bits with a friend afterwards so that was good.
27(3) Fell asleep during my MRI scan today. I can't sleep when I need to but can sleep during an MRI scan which is loud as fuck.28(3) Woke up feeling pretty shit. Trying to shake it off to get some exercise in.
(4) Had to cut short my workout because it's just too damn hot. Feeling okish though because I've got some more script work done.
29(3) Feel a bit all-over-the-place. Trying to cool down in the bath because it's too hot. Don't know what to do with myself really.
(1) Aibnb guests not only turned up two hours past check-in time, but also brought a baby, in our rules we state no under 6s. Now it's screaming and I can't sleep.
30(0) Didn't sleep well at all. Feel like absolute shit.
July
MTWTFSS
      1(4) Had a bit of an up-and-down day. Forced myself to go and see Hereditary with a friend, glad I did. Had a great time. Feeling positive for tomorrow.
2(4) Woke up feeling pretty awful. Didn't like my dreams last night Managed to push myself to get out of bed and I've now written a few scenes for my film that I'm pleased with. Climbing with friends later3(2) Had a great day yesterday, beat some personal records at the climbing wall, too. Then I didn't sleep till 4am so I was too tired to attend therapy in the morning. Why can't I sleep properly?
(0) Can I just have a consistent mood for at least a day, please?
(0) Looking at the weather today and crying because it's only getting hotter this week and I really can't sleep at all with it being this hot. My sleep is already bad enough when will this fucking end?
(0) Know I'm not gonna be doing my stretching tonight and I know that's gonna make me feel worse. I don't want to do anything. I just want everything to stop.
4(0) I am in a BAD fucking mood.
(3) Forced myself to go outside and get some sunlight for an hour. Feel a lot better now.
5(0) My mornings are the worst part of my days currently. Waking up never having had enough sleep. It's so disheartening.
(4) Managed a workout. About to pick up a friend I haven't seen in about two years from the station.
6(3) Feel strange. Hayfever has blocked my nose up. Not even tablets help.
(10) More than fifteen people here to celebrate my birthday. Feeling perfect.
7No Reasons8No Reasons
9No Reasons10No Reasons11(0) Feel all over the place. Don't like it. Want everything to stop.12No Reasons13(4) I'm all over the fucking place. Saw Dad tonight for dinner, helped mood considerably. Need to see more of him.
(0) I miss who I used to be.
(0) I think I'm more mental than I think I am
(0) I feel very alone
14(0) Family have gone away without me. They told me yesterday. Before they left my mum cleared out the fridge so there's no food for me. Can't go to the shops as my car needs new tyres. Fuck my life.15No Reasons
16No Reasons17No Reasons18(2) I have been drunk every evening for a solid week. It helps with sleep, but that's not the reason why I've been doing it. It's because I feel alone. And when I'm drunk, I can forget about being alone.19No Reasons20(1) Everything is so fucking up and down. Earlier I was talking with Thys from Noisia about mental health and how it affects art. Now I'm drunk and a lone wishing my life didn't have to be this way.21(3) Mornings suck. Took till now to get around to doing a workout. Not feeling too great.22No Reasons
23(0) Just woke up. I don't want to do this anymore.
(0) Everything today is making me feel worse, I don't know what to do.
(0) No one seems to understand how bad I am even when I tell them plainly. My mental state just keeps getting worse. Feel so alone.
24(0) I really need a hug
(3) Had a very large breakdown. Regressed mentally to the age I was abused. I didn't understand where I was and wanted to go home. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Ate after, watching the proms now--
25(0) Straight up didn't sleep last night. My eyes sting and I'm in a terrible mood. Don't know if I'll be able to manage what I had planned for today. Which means probably letting people down. Ffs.26(4) Yesterday was difficult to say the least but I'm glad I got through it. Feel much better today.27(0) Feel like such a waste of space.28(0) Why is life so consistently cruel to me? Very close to giving up now.
(0) I hate living like this. I only have one real thing that I live for. I wish I had more reasons not to kill myself, but I don't. Feel like the universe doesn't want me to succeed. Want it to stop now.
29(1) Wish I wasn't so unproductive all the time.
30No Reasons31No Reasons
August
MTWTFSS
  1(5) Launched a Kickstarter for my film that tackles mental illness today. Feeling pretty good about it. Would also love to know what you pandas think of it: www.kickstarter.com/projects/moonsick/wolfboy2(0) Right back down to 0. Happiness comedowns will utterly destroy me one day if this continues. Why do I have to be miserable the day after I've been OK? I don't understand. My brain doesn't make sense.
(0) I feel so alone. The want for someone by my side is overwhelming.
3(0) Stress from the Kickstarter is really getting to me. I'm no good at these things.4No Reasons5(1) I don't know what to do with myself. Fed up of having no motivation.
(3) Managed to get a bit of writing done.
6(1) Feeling really alone again. Got a friend coming round later though. So that should cheer me up a bit.7No Reasons8(5) Been working hard on my Kickstarter. It's stressing me out. But I've started procrastinating by doing other art stuff. Back to the old me for a day, at least. But it's something.9(0) Took hours to fall asleep. Had disturbing nightmares. Feel like shit.10No Reasons11No Reasons12(0) Thoroughly disturbed by my dreams. I feel hollow. Don't know what to do.
(0) I want to punch the living daylights out of myself.
13(0) Not at all feeling positive today.14(2) I'm all over the fucking place. I really just want some consistency to my mood. Being this up-and-down is exhausting and yet I still can't sleep. My life is a bloody mess.15No Reasons16(0) Really unhappy really lonely. My film project is getting there more and more, I finished the script last night started a maquette sculpt today updated the Kickstarter with concept art. Still feel shit
(0) Just want to cry. But I don't feel safe to do so.
(0) What do I need to do to be happy?
17No Reasons18No Reasons19(2) Going to Luxembourg to see alt-j, setting off at midnight tonight. Already had a panic attack about it. Also got so much work to get done, I have zero time to do anything. Dunno what I'm going to do.
20No Reasons21(5) Managed to drive four hours in a foreign country, in a foreign car to Luxembourg to see alt-j. Don't really know how I managed that but Alt-J were fucking sick. Driving home now. Ugh. Feel dead.
(5) Back in the UK now. Getting food with friends before the seven hour car journey back home. Proud of what I managed abroad. Feels like a big step forward.
22No Reasons23(3) Why do my dreams have to be so upsetting?24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28(5) Had a great time at a festival over the weekend Was a bit daunting and intimidating but my friends helped me through it and I had a lot of fun. Feel very tired and I'm dooming a bit. Should be ok soon29(3) Had an interview with BBC radio and it went great but now I feel bleh because I have to be around people that make me feel like shit and I had no time to prepare for it.30(2) Poetry performance went well. Feel shit and lonely now though. I'm all over the place lately. Don't like it.
(0) Too stressed out to do anything but I've got too much work to do.
(0) Loneliness creeping in again. I've been away from home for a while, constantantly with friends. Now I'm home and alone again. It'll be like this for a while. I don't know how to deal with it. Very sad
31(0) Not at all managing. Constantly on the verge of tears today. trying to sort everything out for my film on my own is tearing me apart. I'm not cut out for this shit.
September
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2No Reasons
3(1) Have a bunch of stuff to get done today, and it's going to stress me the fuck out as soon as I start. Woke up an hour late. Haven't eaten yet. Not managing very well.
(0) I feel pathetic. Slammed a draw in the kitchen because someone used all my peanut butter and it set off my OCD. Ended up smashing a jam jar, and now I can't clean it up because of my fear of glass.
(0) Just sent a personal email to my therapist from the wrong email account. I'm a fucking moron.
(0) I can't manage the work I have to do today as I'm already making mistakes. But allowing myself to postpone the work till tomorrow is going to make me feel even worse--
(0) I am not managing this stress at all.
(3) Calmed down significantly. Allowed myself to play a video game to take my mind off things. Then refocused on what little work I could get done after a couple of hours.
4(0) Found out a friend passed away this morning. It was only last week I was performing in a play they'd written. They will be missed greatly.5(0) Lost confidence in my film project. Feel all over the place. Zero positivity. Lonely. Can't manage all this shit on my own.6No Reasons7(0) First night last night where I wasn't drunk going to sleep in about three weeks, I think. So naturally I didn't sleep well at all. Feel pretty dead right now. Why can't I sleep properly?
(1) Drunk. But at least I'll likely sleep better tonight. Feeling lonely as usual.
8(0) Didn't sleep well. Had terrible dreams. Feel absolutely crap.
(0) My eyes sting and my brain hurts. Today has been too up-and-down. Burnt myself out from all this film work. But I can't stop or it won't get done. I'm exhausted but I can't stop. Want to cry but can't
9No Reasons
10(0) Was meant to get stuff done today. Really don't think I'm gonna manage anything productive though.11No Reasons12(2) My head's been all over the place today. But I got a few things done so that's something. Worried that my film project's gonna fall apart. Things outside of my control keep going wrong. Not managing.13No Reasons14(1) I feel like what I got ain't real.15(2) Just got up. It's 12pm. Not great. Got a friend coming round later though. Doing work yesterday was stressing me the fuck out.16No Reasons
17(0) I haven't been sober for more than four evenings in a row since the beginning of August. Probably means I'm an alcoholic right? I wish I could sleep better. My life is a fucking mess.
(0) I haven't been sober for more than four evenings in a row since the beginning of August. Probably means I'm an alcoholic right? I wish I could sleep better. My life is a fucking mess.
(0) Got a massive problem with my film project that right now I have no idea how to solve. Begging for something to go right for once. Really don't know what I'm gonna do.
18(1) So I've managed to half solve one problem with my film There's still stuff to sort and fix but I'm more calm now Probably because I'm drunk. I'm never managing a film project on my own again. I'm dead19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons
24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons