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  165 days
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  23 followers
January
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February
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March
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April
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July
MTWTFSS
     1(3) #chestpains
(6) #catrelief
(4) #cold
2(6) #running
3(4) #idontgetpeople #sorry4(6) 5(6) #alonebutoptimistic
(3) #justsad
6(5)
(3) #wanttocry
(4) #alcohol
(2) #relationshipenvy
7(4)
(8) #suddenlyhilarious
(1) #fury
(5) Basically, coworker is leaving - best I ever had. For a while it felt like we could accomplish something, but it's back to business as usual.
(6) #weekend
8(6)
(4) Fell off society again. When it's not by choice, I hate when it happens
9(8) #aloneinbog
10No Reasons11(7) #nominal
(3) #notachance
(2) #scream
(5)
12(5) It's so pointless, it's funny
(7) #rain helps
(4) #noappetite
13(5) 14(6) #relaxed15(5)
(7) #perfectweather not too hot not too cool
(3) #relationshipenvy vol. 2
(2) I'm that level of scum now who's no longer #jealous because of one or other girl. I'm jealous of couples in general. Also, #chestpains
(2) I'm that level of scum now who's no longer #jealous because of one or other girl. I'm jealous of couples in general. Also, #chestpains
16(3) I would really like to break something
(2) #chestpains #stress
(6) Mood is climbing up again. #notsurewhy
17(5) #cannotbreathe. Breathing is sort of important.
(7) #running
18(6)
(7) #travelling
(6) #intransit
19(6) #hotnight
(4) Everytime she leaves for weekend I'm having chestpains and it's hard to breathe. I don't even like her that much. I feel normal when she's around and sick when she's gone, at least for a while.
20(8) Feel like I must act and I'm #able21(6) #ontheroadagain
(7) Lately I'm noticing that my friends in relationships and with families I've been envying are actually envying me and my possibility to travel and buy stuff on a whim. I should appreciate what I have.
(7) Lately I'm noticing that my friends in relationships and with families I've been envying are actually envying me and my possibility to travel and buy stuff on a whim. I should appreciate what I have.
22No Reasons23(6) I need to create something I'm proud of
24(7) #positive but #anxious. But positive.25(5) Lots of good stuff happened today, but #sad and #lonely26(5) Again a good day, but I feel no joy. Don't get it.27(4) In order to stop pursuing an #impossible relationship you need to #minimizecommunication with the person and fill your heart and mind with #somethingelse. It's the second thing where I've failed.
(4) I need a private #project
(3) I know I'm not like other people, doing things, finding motivation is harder for me. But I wish I could be #better man
28(7) Oh well. I'll just go with it and keep the eyes open.
(8) #stormyweather
29No Reasons30(6) #logstacks
31(9) I'm one with the #storm :P
August
MTWTFSS
 1(7) I'm at #peace. First time this year U think.2(5) It's going #downstairs again
(4) The reasons I worked on weekends for 3 months are disappearing. Losing #motivation fast.
(0) #contemplating
3(3)
(4) Why is it so hard to be fair towards yourself?
(8) Aand #up we go again...
4No Reasons5(5)
(7) #adrenaline
(2) I cannot continue living like this. I'm #unacceptable. Either I grow up or I should end this joke.
6(1)
(5) Hello #rain my brother
(3) #chestpains #tired
(3) In my head all ideas have the same power, this is why I don't get anything done. Speaking with her, some became more important. I accomplished more in last year than ten years before. Over now.
(5) Come to think of it, I've been playing way too #nice. Why follow rules no one else is following?
(6) #sauna. Highly recommended
(5) Took a painkiller against #chestpains. Hands and legs are weak now. Not unpleasant feeling.
7(2) #nomotivation #noenergy
(4) I think I prefer strong #pain to this endless weak bluntness
8(5)
(4)
(7) #bicycling #friends
9(6) #chestpains decreasing.10(5) What do you do when the thing you #need is the thing you #fear most?
(7) #Energetic and #agressive... Happens less than once per year
11(6) Not the #worst12(6) #boardgame #camp in the middle of #woods. This place is a universe in itself and my troubles back home do not matter much
(7) #boardgames #thunderstorm
13(5)
(4) It's all a #distraction from the fact that I feel no #connection to my era, my society or any person in my life. I have no real plan how to find it either
14(7) #interesting15(5)
(3) I don't know how to continue. I live in pain, but I'm too old to change.
(4) #greentea
(6) Discovered something. While I become overwhelmed at parties, shows and events, walking on the fringes of a large public gathering is actually pretty cool
16No Reasons17(5) It always seems to me everybody is playing a complexity set of #games and sometimes I even get the #rules. But I have never understood why we are playing.18(5) Huge company event tonight. #anxiety #chestpains
(5) I can play the #role they have given me. But it has nothing to do with me. Why is all this happening?
19(6) #wiser again
(5) I just randomly #cried. I haven't cried for 20 years or so.
20(4) Huge #moodswings today. I yearn and dread the future. #tired.
21(3) Twice I have met the #right person. Twice I've realized, I'm the #wrong man.
(6) #running and a new #project
22(4) I could really use a #high for a change by now
(4) I can't get better at #relationships, because afterwards I can't remember the order in which things happened :(
23(5) #sick
(3) No #motivaton or #energy Bunch of ideas flying around like sparrows, none seem worthwhile. I don't know why I live.
(4) This is longest #downtime since I started to use MP. Brain is producing all kinds of #negativity . Feel #worthless.
24(3) #headache #sick25(5) #Physically still awful, #psychically moving up slowly. I need to recognize my right to emotions, to find something #worthwhile to do. But I have #repressed literally my whole life.26(5) Still not in #green :(27(5) Long road ahead
(6) #plans Also, #motocycling. Motocycling is good for learning #vulnerability, I think
28(7) #calm, #productive29(6) Was #swimming this morning. But a new issue at work appeared.
(5) I feel I should start #smoking for some reason. I've never smoked before.
30(7) Woke 5AM and was laying in bed, thinking negative thoughts. But I feel pretty energetic at work after #coffee.31(6)
(4) #comparing myself again. Enough already, brain. I have my own story
(5) No #chestpains but general physical #sadness. It is a lonely road.
(3) Brain didn't play along
(4) #nojoy
September
MTWTFSS
    1(4) First reaction to #pain is always endorphins. I feel great but there's a bitter aftertaste telling it's gonna get worse, boy. And soon.
(5) On the minus side I'm a grown man who's been conditioned to always say 'no' to any kind of intimacy. On the plus side I just got an awesome trench coat.
2(6) Not too bad, but don't want to go #outside3(4)
(6) In the #marshes again
(1) I'm good-looking and filled with hot air. Like a balloon.
(7) Ok, seems like my mind begins working again. I ain't dead yet. There are things left to do.
4(6)
(7) Just want to say that MP is only thing in my life that feels like community. Keep being #awesome, guys
5(4) I believe you call this #alienation. No connection with people surrounding me.
(2) What's the point?
(0) #suicidebysociety
(2) I've been in tough situations before and I've done extraordinary, but it's only fun when you do it for somebody or with someone
(5)
6(5) Lately I've gone so deep down after each time I cross into #green that I don't even dare to feel joy anymore
(4) I'm not even close to crazy enough :(
(1) #icannotdothis
(5) Past the #lowpoint for today. But I must learn to value myself or I won't last long.
(6) Words heal, images destroy. I uninstalled Instagram! :O
7(6) Feel OK for a change. I'm sure something awful will follow immediately.
(8) It's all who you compare yourself with. Had dinner with older colleagues, was pretty social for myself. Of course I could also compare myself to
8(7) I had a strange thought last night. Perhaps our weaknesses are through which we connect with each other? Perhaps hiding imperfections is what causes society to break down?
(8) Looking at panorama in #Norway. Highly recommended.
(5) Back #home
9(5) Can't get up, eyes won't stay open. Physically #weak
(6) Not that bad. Alone today. I want to improve, but comparing myself is killing me.
(5) Well, it could be worse. I could be back in #school
10(6) I feel no #anger today. Not at myself, or society or anyone else. Nice #calm feeling
11(6)
(6) Still OK, but I predict meltdown in a few hours.
12(5)
(5) Meltdown didn't happen yesterday. Adrenaline too high with all this travelling and preparing for events. But I'm old enough to know I'll go deep again sooner or later.
(7) Work seems to head in a right direction, even if it's not my real calling. Also, life without Instagram certainly feels better for me. Of course you never know, I might become stuck in #comfortzone
13(4) Another strange city, another hotel. Alone as always.
(6)
14(7) Tell the truth, but be nice about it. #irishwisdom
(5)
15(6) Solid six. Perhaps I'm becoming stable?16(5) 17(7) #countryside
18(7) Stress is high, but not unhappy. I'll worry about future when I get there.19No Reasons20(5) Been running on #adrenaline. Feels great, but can't sleep
(6) Still no #catastrophe . No time to worry either. No future, no past.
21(5) It's possible I'll cause myself serious emotional #damage over next three evenings. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but I can't stop either
(5) I'm in #theatre
22(4) I have very strong feelings and usually 3-5 at the same time. It's hard to connect with people that way
(5) I think I get the game now: different locations are supposed to be self-contained universes where same people play different characters and you must not mix up the narratives
(7) Feeling pretty good actually
23(3)
(0) The thing is, I'm just not a very great guy and life has given me all it could. Nothing more can be. Once my currently duties are finished, I should really end this.
24(4) Sleep helps. But I can't be part of society when social interactions burn out my fusebox like that.
(3) But seriously, I'm tired of how I end up in conflicts *specifically* when I approach people I *like* with intention to express it
(6) Thanks for support everyone, beginning to feel better
25No Reasons26No Reasons27(6) #Wasted AF. I love her I love her so much. She's a fucking unicorn. I can never tell her, so I'm telling you Pandas. Good luck to you.
(4) #sadness continues
(4) I want to be #alone. In a #forest. Full day of #meetings ahead
(3) Waiting for plane back home. Extreme need to #decompress. But it's just a word. I want to #scream. Working on terms of a contract instead.
(1) Feel #weak #stupid #childish Feel like I remain so forever
28(6) #benevolent #brilliance It's out there.29(3) It's much more #lonely when you're trapped in an elevator with someone wonderful
(5) I read this morning that creativity and sexuality are locked somehow in a same place or chakra. Which seems silly at first, but then I remember that I stopped writing and drawing in puberty...
(9) Came to a #conclusion today. I'm going to leave this job next year and start doing something I love, even if it's for less money
30(4) #despair #powerfantasies Not doing too good at the moment. Heading to #countryside
October
MTWTFSS
      1(5) #Meditated one hour in the forest. Tried to visualize #success. Did not have much success. Still, found some truths but they are rather sad
(5) Had a chat with my dad today. After twenty years he noticed that I'm 'always alone'. 'You probably don't care about romantics too much, son' he said. I explained, that it's exactly opposite -
2(4) Racing down the road to #nowhere in particular
(6) #adrenaline is up. Objectively nothing great in the situation.
(3) #rush is over
3(4) #unhappy
(6) At #theatre again. Training against social #anxiety
4(5) #tension #sad5(4) #tense and #joyless
(3) I wish I would be a neutral object... Some sort of cube. So I could tell people how much I value them without being creepy.
6(5) I have twice in one year #processed and come to terms with the fact that I will never be with #her. And now she's single again. I don't know how to mark this on MP scale. Everything from 0-10?
(3) Not #happy at all
(5) So, today I learned you cannot trust #socialmedia. What looks perfect is imperfect. What looks less than perfect is probably catastrophic.
7(6) #Poetry
(4) Frank Sinatra - One For My Baby (And One For The Road)
8(7) #rain #autumn #forest Tonight I'm allowing myself some #hope. Life will destroy it soon enough.
9(4) Saw her in pain today, on the verge of tears and I just couldn't say anything. It would have been like an incoherent explosion. This is why I am and must remain alone.10(6) I can still do some #good
(8) Finished an amazing event. If there was no such thing as intimacy, I'd be successful AF
11(6) ...and you can always get #drunk
(4) #toomuch
12No Reasons13(6)
(5) I'm #angry. My ancestors should never have come out of #forest. It was a huge mistake.
14(4) General day of #sadness. It's not just me.
(3) I feel so #sorry for #her and at the same time not sorry at all
(2) To comfort someone, you must first be a person. Instruments do not comfort.
15(7) #forestpower!
16(2) #empty #hopeless
(1)
(0) All of this has happened #before and will happen #again
(5) On a #positive note I just learned to really #taste #whiskey
(4) Some people #care about me. And even if I'm useless as a person, I still have #tactical value
17(3) 18(6) 19(5) 20(7) Invited her to lunch and she said yes. #nogameplan #hardtobreath21(6) Cold and beautiful day22(6) Pretty nice day with my niece and nephew. Took the two-year-old on top of the highest hill of the county. He was impressed!
23(4) I think I'm sick
(3) I feel things slipping. I'm missing an opportunity. I'm staying dead.
24(3) Feel alone, running out of time
(2)
(0) I'm #notenough I may still change, but it takes time I don't have
25(1) Awful night, voice completely gone
(6) Health still bad, but head clearer.
(5) To all of you who have someone to hold and respect - I think it's a great thing. I realize, it does not solve all problems but without it solutions seem also meaningless
26(5) I have annoying #headache muscles hurt too. But considering, my mood is surprisingly high. Read some article about self-rejection as the source of all rejection27(4) Heard company's perspectives and projects for next year. Nothing excites me and old way of doing things is on the rise again. Seriously, it's time to go.
(5) Looks like I have a strange ability. When I stare at people, they start to tell me their darkest secrets. It's less fun than it sounds.
28(5) Alone, meditating on myself and my life. Surprising things become clear29(5) Mind seems oddly clear. Perhaps because phone has been off for three days. Nasty cough deep in lungs somewhere.
30(5) Still coughing. My project got funded, largest sum I've bulshitted out ever. Still meh. ?31(5) Seriously, enough with the coughing.
November
MTWTFSS
  1(6) Destiny has been sending my way the people I have needed. Sometimes they have been creators, mostly destroyers.2No Reasons3(4) She's immensely tense around me now, as if I could make her do something she doesn't want. Time for me to close the hatches, once again.
(6) I feel surprisingly calm and strong at the moment
4(5) When I was young I felt emotions of others so strong I could not keep them apart from my own. The question is, which emotions are actually my own.
(7) Full moon! Stood alone on a stage in my hometown ?
5No Reasons
6No Reasons7(7) 8(3) Why does she have to be so alone? ?
(6) Accomplished something. Unsure about future.
9(7) I'm thinking about picking up ice swimming. It's because of her, which is not a good reason to do something, I guess. On the other hand, I can't remember last time I was so excited10No Reasons11(6) Helped sister move. Had to rent a van from a man I don't know. Success!12(7) Calm, a bit hopeful.
13(6) #faith
(7) I thought that hope and desire for a better world are dead. But I realize now that they can never be killed. They reappear sooner or later.
14No Reasons15(5) I had lots of trouble with public speaking when I was young. It's gone now and I'm even having fun in front of people. But now every time they're gone, I'm having a short bout of depression.16(7) Does anyone believe in Myers-Briggs character types? Mine is INTJ.17(4) It's sad when nothing really changes, but mood starts going down for no reason
(7) Took a singing lesson. My singing voice is really high.
18No Reasons19(7) Did an ice water test. It was ok.
(4) Kinda sad tonight. Physical experiences can't bring me joy I guess, but you got to have them nevertheless.
20(4) I feel wiser somehow, more aware, but there isn't much joy21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons