5.1 avg
  283 days
  1827 hugs
  54 followers
January
MTWTFSS
1(5) Did my first jog in three and a half years. One lap of the park near my flat (0.6 miles). All my jogging clothes felt two sizes too small and I felt ridiculous feeling tired mentally and physically...
(5) Used up most of the food in my cupboard today. Going shopping tomorrow and hopefully get another jog around the park in too. Taken tablets.
2(5) Cupboards mostly filled now. Only managed to get a couple of miles brisk walk today, due to the heavy rain. Weather is worse tomorrow so will resume running on Thursday maybe a mile. Taken tablets.3(7) Finally getting a support worker via my section 117 aftercare. Meet them next Tuesday. Will be a great help because I'm very isolated in the flat. First steps will be getting out more. Taken tablets.4(3) Very annoyed at myself, panic and paranoia have stopped me from going for a run during the dry weather, and I'm still feeling it, so I'm inside winding myself up for being crap.
(4) Mixed feelings today. I did some drawing, listened to music, changed strings on guitar and had a little play to calm down from the panicking earlier. It made me feel a little better. Taken tablets.
5(5) Today was another mixed day that started badly because I didn't go for my run, then all of a sudden I was too busy to have the chance, but I got a lot of stuff done. Taken tablets.6(6) Feel relaxed and mellow, listening to both chiptune techno and liquid drum and bass. The best rest of the day would be to invite friends over for a sesh. Except I'm missing friends and sesh material.
(6) Got a wok. Seasoned it. Buy ingredients Tuesday. Make Chilli sauce too. Spicy Chinese Food, with a heavy vegetarian slant, coming to my belly soon! Binge watching cooking tutorials now. Taken tablets.
7(6) Anonymous advice: Put yourself in someone else's shoes, try imagine what things are like from their perspective. For me, doing this passes the time, makes me feel less alone, and sparks my imagination
(3) Got very wound up and caused a misunderstanding on Twitter where I ended up looking like an idiot. Very miserable, feeling like I'll never get normal social skills. Taken tablets.
8(3) Feeling low, lost my appetite, feeling very stressed and nervous about meeting support worker tomorrow. But it's good timing I guess. Just come over all dizzy sat writing this. Need to tidy messy flat
(4) Listening to music and the weather forecast for tomorrow have made helped me. Look... http://johntownshend.com/weather.jpg just how I like it!
9(5) Relieved after meeting support worker. Had a good meal just now. Still feeling low/mixed mood, but 5 'cause I'm less anxious about the future than I was. I feel lonely, will text friend. Taken tablets10(6) If anyone wants to post a link to a favourite music playlist below, please feel free. I miss living in a shared house because I'm only getting my own music taste: POST PLAYLIST LINKS BELOW!
(5) Finally an update for my phone. The Bluetooth got quite badly broken on my Oneplus 3 when Android 8 updated. Fingers crossed!
(5) I haven't achieved much today. My mood's been stable and I've avoided feeling bad or overthinking. Just got to do more with my day, this is just existing, not living. Will read tonight. Taken tablets.
11(4) Had an early night because my mood dropped, woke up a couple of hours ago, I've been listening to an owl hoot hoot hooting in a tree outside my flat.
(3) Going to put on a happy, awake-looking face and help out with my niece and nephew. It usually cheers me up. I just hope I have the patience to cope with their energy!
(3) Time with niece and nephew didn't really help. Watching an Attenborough documentary. Wedge-Tailed Shearwaters are a new favourite, they are the perfect combination of cute and goofy. Can hardly...
12(5) Got an idea in my head to make some music with thick sounding, complex sounds, but really simple melodies. I have to flesh it out and think about what I actually mean, what structure it'll have etc...
(6) Made this tune today for everyone on MoodPanda. It's very much an unofficial theme! https://soundcloud.com/johntownshend/mp-theme ..I also rediscovered how tasty a toasted bagel can be. Taken tablets.
13(4) I have been informed that in the whole world all language's words for tea come from either 'tea' (like te, tee, etc.) or 'cha' (like chay, char etc.). Hoping a cuppa now will make me feel less zombie
(6) Watching 'Big Cats' documentary. Rusty Spotted Cats are officially my favourite thing. I would be a Snow Leopard because I don't mind cold and am good by myself. Narrator's voice is annoying me a bit.
14(7) Meal was a success! Enough chilli for my parents, but I would've preferred hotter, that was only self criticism. Taken tablets.
15(7) First proper time with support worker today, went for a walk and got soaked, but he's promised to go running with me! He's skinny but unfit. It'll make things so much easier, less panic! Taken tablets16(5) Snow forecast overnight didn't really happen. In the last minute or so the skies opened with really heavy snow. Too warm for it to settle though I reckon...
(5) Two lunchtime recommendations: https://sinfang.bandcamp.com/track/x-o-r-feat-farao and https://youtu.be/ibZhIVLLu54
(5) 4.5. Made myself more Chinese food. Which was nice, but accidentally used a little too much oil this time. Eating picked my mood up from earlier when everything I did seemed to go wrong. Taken tablets
(2) Mood has dropped. Just thinking about what an failure I make of everything I do, even everyday living things I focus on so hard, I mess up. Nothing is helping at the moment. I don't know what to do.
17(3) I'm feeling pathetic but maybe I should go back to focussing on who I want to be instead of who I am. This all feels too real. Had a few good moments with niece and nephew today. Taken tablets.18(5) Got out and did a food shop with support worker 2 who I met for first time, he was cool. It's nice not to rely on family for support, but idea is that I'll be back to doing it on my own. Taken tablets19(6) https://planetclaire.bandcamp.com/album/planet-claire-session I like this. It's when a Welsh musician went to France and did a radio session. Free!
(6) Visiting parents to see them and spend some quality cat time. Taken tablets.
20(5) So tired. Had no sleep yesterday night. Not even 6pm and I'm looking forward to bed. Despairing mood from last week has gone, but can't concentrate more so than usual because need sleep. Taken tablets21(4) I'm criticising myself for something someone else did in response to what I said. I feel like they took it in a way that was not how it was intended. Can't get rid of this cycle of negative thoughts.
(6) Watching Ski Sunday on TV. Learned that skiers now have air bags in their ski suits that inflate if they crash. Mood and thinking has improved. Taken tablets.
22(5) Been in a silly mood all day, feeling neither good or bad, felt better this morning so will try and target the afternoon and evening tomorrow. Taken tablets.23(3) This cold has had me awake for the last two hours, the cough is back producing lots of phlegm, got a high temperature too. Might have to cancel support later. Can't sleep. Urgh.
(4) Got flu. Mum came round with decongestant she'd bought, take some, then look up if it's ok with my meds.. oops. It's not recommended but won't kill me. It's making me feel better. Taken tablets
24(5) Quite pleased with myself for managing to do something fun whilst having cold/flu. This drawing: https://flic.kr/p/E6xrTe I also uploaded another older one that was laying around.
(5) If someone could tell me the Latin for 'make mistakes, learn, and battle on' that could be my motto for the day (It doesn't have to be Latin really...). Taken tablets.
25(6) Suffering with the cold/flu still but better enough to walk 6 and half miles through the woods and fields of the city with support worker. Saw the stag and the deer but had forgotten camera.
(4) Had such a nice day until I started feeling paranoid late afternoon. Taken tablets.
26(5) In IKEA. Clostraphobic nightmare, but free tea and coffee so I'm not complaining...
(7) Just made myself the best noodles yet in my wok! Made it hot with plenty of my homemade chilli sauce, Chinese 5 spice, and extra ginger. Tasted amazing, lips still tingling with spices! Taken tablets.
27(5) Trying to photograph a great tit this morning in my parents garden through the window. There are two bird feeders and it flies to the one my camera isn't pointed at every time. Got robin and blue tit.
(5) https://flic.kr/s/aHsmdaYx5N took photos out the window of my parent's house, lots of birdies!
28(6) I've narrowed my future cat's name down to two possible options. 'Neep' and 'Travel Pass'. Neep is what I called my character in video games from a very young age. Travel Pass (TP) is a longer story..
(4) Felt uneasy with dizzy spells, blurred vision, and headache. Felt a bit better after getting Chinese takeaway, reminded me I've got a long way to go to my noodles as good as theirs. Taken tablets.
29(4) Irritable but ok day. Taken tablets.30(6) Decent day. My brain was kind enough to let me concentrate for a few hours, so I caught on a little on a massive back log of games I've had sitting there. Taken tablets.31(6) Another decent day. Felt very under the weather with the cold, but reorganised where files live on my laptop, which was rewarding. Taken tablets.
February
MTWTFSS
   1(7) Walked over seven miles from the edge of Sheffield out onto the Peak District moors and back. There was drifts over 40cm of snow in places on the moors, all melted around my flat. Altitude difference!
(6) Still feeling good. Taken tablets.
2(5) Not done much today, attempted and failed doing some music. Still feeling ok. Taken tablets.3(6) Just made some bread. It's cooling now, looking forward to trying it.
(4) Mood has dipped this evening. Will go to bed early and sleep it off if I can. Taken tablets.
4(5) I made a longer playlist than usual on my phone (50 songs). I'm battling myself because part of me wants to not stop it until it's finished, and part of me wants sound on TV or a game or something...
(5) My Dad came round the flat today, had a good chat with him. Taken tablets.
5(5) Donald Trump saying the NHS doesn't work, making me angry. It is short of funds because of unnecessary government cuts. It still saves more lives than the privitised American healthcare system because
(4) Had a busy day, went on a short walk with support worker after being reassured about my change in council tax letter. Felt dizzy and unpleasant in the supermarket later. Actually taken tablets (!).
6(6) Hand delivered my cat permission letter today. Hopeful, but scared of the possible disappointment. Got a tiny painful spot just inside my ear, it's so annoying! Taken tablets.7(5) Nice day with niece and nephew. Niece had a bad cold, cough and high temperature. I hope it doesn't set off mine. Helped her learn some spellings and did drawings while she's off school. Taken tablets8(6) Walked 6.5 miles this morning which was good. No photos, sorry! Just made best stir fry yet: Spicy, sweet and sour, edamame bean and veg noodles. Used extra curry powder, worked well. Taken tablets.9(4) Woke up in a terrible mood. Watching the opening ceremony of the winter olympics which is cheering me up a bit. There's some very loud traditional Korean drummers, dancing and drumming at moment.
(6) My mood has but up and down all over the place, overall it's balanced out. Found a good measurement for oil in the stir fry which was better than yesterday, and I got to use up the veg. Taken tablets.
10(2) Cluster headache has returned for first time in over a year. I want sit in a dark room and knock myself out. I'm in agony, I can't cope with the pain. Sheffield United won so that's positive. Still ?
(4) Made a tune this evening: https://soundcloud.com/johntownshend/fish-n-chips Hoping my pain earlier was a freak one off, but it'll likely be back tomorrow. I hope all you pandas are ok! Taken tablets.
11(6) Made my best chilli sauce yet today. Didn't get the headache I was expecting. An all round good kinda day! Taken tablets.
12(6) Wrote my first poem in over a year. It's here: http://johntownshend.tumblr.com/ it's based on a song lyrics by Seabear which are at 2:06 on this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgiIvLcKlVc13(8) It's Pancake Day!
(9) http://johntownshend.com/catperm.jpg I just got permission to keep a cat at my flat! And it's Pancake Day! Could be named: Pancake, Neep, TP (Travel Pass), Oprah, Smáhestur, Cab (Cabbage), or Agnes.
(5) Mood back to normal after a exciting day. The stamping by the guy in the flat above shook me a bit... I'm still happy that I can get a cat! Just a bit sad about how worried I got. Taken tablets.
14(6) I wrote a poem about MoodPanda. http://johntownshend.tumblr.com/post/170876713142/pandas ...Taken Tablets.15(7) Walk on an amazing walk, brilliant to be out in the countryside! Meet and collect my kitten Friday 23rd! Skweeeeeeee! Photos: https://www.flickr.com/photos/jwt1986/albums/7215769345449601516(3) I'm sorting through boxes I haven't unpacked since moving, it's stressful, I need to get some proper storage boxes. Feeling sad about this tree: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-mid-wales-43084088
(1) Just got really low, I usually never post when I feel like this but I guess I should because it's what the app is for. No one worry though this mood is temporary.
(1) Ate a large, sour orange. It was a distraction from my thoughts, which are tearing me apart. Need to get a better mood back so I can continue preparing the flat for the kitten. Taken tablets.
17(4) Still not feeling great, but I'm putting yesterday down to an extended period of emotional panic, and a stomach bug. I felt a lot of doubts over my ability to look after kitten properly. Taken tablets18(5) Just used some air freshener in the bathroom... It stinks worse than the smell I was trying to cover up!
(6) Been for a nice walk around the park, nice to see the animals. Coots, ducks, shelducks, geese, moorhens, cows, sheep, goats, donkeys, hens, turkey, didn't go inside so missed pigs, deer, alpaca, etc.
19(5) Another busy day getting the flat ready, went towards town and bought storage boxes. Got frustrated at slow progress sorting stuff out. Mood picked up later. Had food. Taken tablets.20(5) Listening to 'Maps' by Yeah Yeah Yeahs and feeling like an emotional teenager again.
(4) Stressed. Unable to start distractions. Demotivated, support worker wouldn't stop talking and was getting on my nerves, just wanted some peace and quiet, may have caused offence telling him. Taken tab
(3) When I was little I would sit and hide in a certain cupboard. I wish I could hide there now, and I wish I could fit in it, my third wish would be infinite wishes.
21(7) My day started off badly. It has slowly got better and better. I had a chat with family talking shit, relaxed, drunk two mugs of tea, and now I'm feeling great. Two more sleeps til kitten day! Amazing22(6) This time tomorrow I'll be on the bus home from picking up my kitten. Taken tablets.23(7) The kitten's family have offered to deliver it to my flat! This is very kind because they live the opposite side of the city! It would've took me 2 hr 30 minutes round trip. Should be here around 6pm!
(4) So nervous waiting for kitten. Taken a diazepam because I am in a state. My mum is visiting and seems to be trying her best to make me feel worse.
(10) ? Taken tablets.
24(8) Kitten asleep on my chest, and he did his poo in the litter tray like a good small tig.
(7) Been very relaxed today, more to do with having diazepam in my system, but the affectionate kitten is also helping.
25(6) Nice day with brother, niece and nephew visiting the kitten. Kitten was scared of their running around with loud shouting and screaming. Had meal together at parents after. Taken tablets.
26(7) Felt guilty for not letting kitten sleep on the bed all night, but I would've had no sleep. Going to force myself for a jog tomorrow, generally feeling positive.
(6) Really content. I could be fairly happy with life like this, but I still want to get concentration and confidence better, so I can go get a voluntary work, a life, and eventually a job. Taken tablets.
27(6) Totally overdid the chilli sauce and ghost pepper spice mix in my stir fry. Feel like I am breathing fire. I ate it all though. Washed hands before touching kitten! Taken tablets.
(5) https://youtu.be/sepcj45774I can't sleep but this song is good and great video!
28(6) Happy, but feeling drained of energy. Not looking forward to the gas bill this month, it should be getting warm by now... Its -5! Had fun, kitten made me laugh out loud many times today. Taken tablets
March
MTWTFSS
   1(7) Broke the day in two with a trip (and fall) into the snow to the shop. Got some more cat food. Worked out how much keeping a cat will cost, it'll be ok, I'll just get a worse computer... Taken tablets2(10) I love my kitten. ?? (Not manic)
(5) Just discovered why my flat has been especially cold. Two East facing window vents were open for the last 3 weeks... Guess which way the snow and wind is coming from, yes the East... I feel stupid.
(6) Still annoyed about essentially having my window open during 3 weeks of the coldest weather here for a few years, but had a good day, my TV broke but I fixed it after 3 hours trying. Taken tablets.
3(5) Wished I'd gone outside today. Kitten is settling in well and I've spent a lot of time with him so I'm leaving him his side of the flat when I'm busy doing something he could interrupt. Taken tablets.
(7) https://johntownshend.bandcamp.com/ Free downloads, music by me.
4(5) Had a good sleep and lie in but still really tired all day. I had a nice meal at my parents house, and my brother and his family turned up, so that was nice. Something missing from today.Taken tablets
5(6) My head couldn't cope with the constant intense chat of my main support worker. So I'm getting a new one next week, which is a weight off my mind. No need to dread waiting for support. Taken tablets.6(6) Enjoying 'Steamed Hams' memes on YouTube. Went to garden centre with parents today. Not felt as anxious since getting my kitten, that will change and I've got to keep pushing myself. Taken tablets.7(7) Replaced potentially cat unfriendly slightly wobbly speaker stands with a more solid table. Job for the morning, complete. Got tea brewing that needs pouring but I've got kitten on me.
(5) Spent too long trying to use laptop with a manic kitten running around trying to eat every wire and sit on keys. I need to not feel bad about just letting him play in the other rooms. Taken tablets.
(3) Backdated: I was feeling shit last night and the morning after, put had a good time shopping in town with Thursday support worker, so expect a higher score from me later.
8(6) Nice to get in to town, didn't find it too bad except for the bus journey back. Will have to try it on my own after another few goes with my support worker. Tablets taken (trying that backwards today)9(6) Had a nice day. Taken tablets.10(4) 5:30am and no sleep yet...
(5) Got through the day, taking half a 7.5mg Zopiclone tonight to get through the night. Hopefully it won't give me nightmares as it has done in the past. Taken tablets.
11(7) A seven because it's the second warmish day in a row and I had some lovely food. If you are feeling shit, pandas, pick up the phone and get a takeaway! Treat yourself if you can! Taken tablets.
12(4) Felt a lot of anxiety all day, didn't even feel comfortable taking the bins out. New support worker seems much better than my old one. I think that will be good going forward. +s & -s. Taken tablets.13(6) Got my canvases and did a painting, here is how it looks: https://flic.kr/p/Fu6y1k and a fish eye picture of my room: https://flic.kr/p/H1DhYA14(7) I was expecting to meet my other replacement support worker on Friday, but she came today (I had misheard). She was great, clicked straight away, she likes a lot of stuff I like and is roughly my age.15(7) Looking around museums today was fun. I've been enjoying daydreaming all day, a lot of dreams stay dreams which is ok, but I hope I can make at least some of them reality one day. Taken tablets.16(4) 4 is a fair rating for the day as a whole, I felt angry and was irritable earlier, which got me down, the day picked up since. Taken tablets.17(5) Today hasn't gone my way. I've felt ok though. Put vindaloo curry powder in my pasta, I can see why it's not commonly done, but it wasn't disastrous, a nice warming meal. Taken tablets.18(5) Not the best day, a few low points but a delicious stir fry has just pushed me up to a 5. I've been irritable and quick to anger consistently the last few days, must break this cycle. Taken tablets.
19(6) Had a good day. If I can manage to catch a bus on my own tomorrow and go shopping I'll be happier still. I've been tackling this social phobia little by little, this is the next step. Taken tablets.20(7) The day started out horribly. A friend helped me through my thoughts and feelings, then I went out a did what I had planned for the day, and it's been great since! Kitten has helped too. Taken tablets21(6) Will miss a delivery today because I'm going to help out with the niece and nephew soon. Listening to this on 7' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7AA4RIzsrs
(7) Quite content. The frustration and irritability of the last few days is fading away. I'm happy with progress in life, it's slowly but surely getting back on track. Taken tablets.
22(7) I was more anxious than my kitten on the way to the vets. Was relieved to get home, have to pay £11 a month towards a treatment plan, but should be cheaper for everything, and I can cancel anytime.23(5) Haven't slept. Just lying wondering why humans have made everything so angular... Why can't rooms be curvy?
(6) Had a nice walk around the park, took photos of the animals but haven't got around to looking at them yet because someone's been asleep on me the whole time since I've been back. Taken tablets.
24(5) 5.5 rounded down, I am tired, had a long walk with my Dad I enjoyed. This morning I was drowsy from the sleeping tablet I took last night, but it soon wore off. Need to wash up but lazy. Taken tablets25(6) Kitchen is clean. Washing up done. Re-seasoned wok, set off smoke alarm though. I'm happy taking life slow, the slow progress doesn't bother me, I'm 31, might have another 50 years... Taken tablets.
26(4) A 4 overall. Had some nightmarish thought patterns on the bus earlier, regret was the theme. I felt ok at home and generally have a good mood when I feel comfortable. Taken tablets.27(6) Meal in 'spoons, I don't like supporting them but they are good value for money, and I'm here with family so wasn't really my choice. Felt a good kind of alone in the botanical gardens. Taken tablets.28(7) Good chat and walk with support worker this morning. Listening to the first Alvvays album, I'd forgot how much I love it! Cat is tired after playing all morning and is asleep on my arm.
(7) Cooked some nice food, lips tingling from just the right amount of ghost pepper. Taken tablets.
29(2) Don't know where this mood has come from... I feel like scum, shit on someone's shoes... Old thoughts from underlying self worth issues. I'm full of fear and doubt. Save me diazepam! Taken tablets.30(4) Can't sleep, still crap, but bit better, this song is giving me Pixies vibes and it's great. https://youtu.be/RPVYySjLQlc
(6) Back to feeling quite content again. Made a terrific stir fry with Quorn pieces, Veg, Noodles, 5 spice, curry powder, sugar, soy sauce, and lots of chilli sauce. Seeing brother tomorrow. Taken tablets
31(6) Had a nice day with my brother. Saw parents and niece and nephew too. Feel slightly sick or nervous (?) I can't tell. Taken tablets.
April
MTWTFSS
      1(5) I think I took my tablets with a swig of water 30 seconds ago, but can't actually remember I did take them or not. Sums up my mood today, not all there... Taken tablets (I think...).
2(6) Making more plans rather than doing useful stuff today. Better than feeling rubbish though. Taken tablets.3(6) Cold and snow yesterday, 12°C, sunshine at 6pm today. Weather doesn't know what it's doing! Taken tablets.4(6) Decent day despite all the rain. Just finished sorting out various chilli and curry powders into jars and now I'm sneezing constantly! Taken tablets.5(7) Been sleeping too much the last few nights, but the lovely weather made a long walk even better, and a few hours later with my niece and nephew was fun. Taken tablets.6(6) https://youtu.be/FaAkRteW4U0 I feel like this song. It's been a busy day..... Also, I don't mind prediction keyboard emoji suggestions except when I start typing 'been' and ? comes up...
(7) Garden centre this morning, got 6 plants for my Mum's birthday on Monday. Support was fun, walked, then did washing up/cleaned kitchen together. Having parents over for meal tomorrow. Taken tablets.
7(6) Day started off bad. I was irritable and bored, not finding distraction/hobbies entertaining. Parents came round and I made a meal for them. MSG added a certain je ne sais quoi, best yet! Taken tabs.8(3) Thinking about all the times I've been victim of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and verbal abuse at the hands of the police. My crime was being mentally ill. Also I've got pains in my bladder.
(5) Feeling ok now. I've been a bit lower than ratings maybe suggest the last few days. Nothing major, just a bit of sadness and irritability with difficult thoughts. Need to do more stuff.. Taken tablets
9(7) Got a cassette tape deck. I feel like a 7 year old again! Started making a compilation tape, and have thought of a free music project using my own tunes. Just had meal with Mum it's her birthday. TT.10(6) Made some music, quite pleased with it, need a few more tunes before I'll whittle my catalogue down to under 90 minutes for my new project. Taken tablets.11(5) Been a busy day, but not actually a lot done. I don't know where the time went. Feel ok. TV remote has been missing the last few days. Can't be arsed to look for it. Taken tablets.12(4) I'm anxious about my kitten's bollock removal operation tomorrow. I'm really, really frightened something could go wrong. I'm ok other than that, although I've gave up looking for the TV remote and13(5) Relief but still feeling the anxiety of a very busy and stressful day. Thankfully I can sleep in a few hours. Taken tablets.14(6) Decent weather, wearing new shorts that arrived in the post, looking forward to Tuesday or Wednesday when I go for the walk I've been planning. Taken tablets.15(5) An ok day. Taken tablets.
16(6) Felt more able to do normal things like catch a bus to the royal mail depot to collect parcels I'd missed. So that's what I did. Also been shopping later on. Taken tablets.17(3) Felt crap this morning, don't feel much better now. Would like to get my confidence back, it's been missing for 3 years+. I've got stability, but that alone isn't doing it for me. Taken tablets.18(8) Got lost in a huge bog on top of the highest mountain in the peak district. I fell knee deep in bog mud twice! Nearly ruined camera. 15 miles later (got lost), now having well deserved drink in pub!
(7) Still feeling good, home and fed after walk. Feet are in a state, full of blisters and aching. Photos here: https://flic.kr/s/aHsmgiqMgn - Taken Tablets.
19(6) Very hot. Little bit sun burnt. Found walking difficult today, got a lot of blisters on my feet. Taken tablets.20(4) Lost my temper today for the first time in a while. My Mum started trying to do my housework, despite me saying calmly multiple times I'd like to do it myself, I asked her to relax, but she wanted21(4) I've had a decent day but mood is just not there. I did a lot of exercise, helped my Dad move stuff, watched snooker and football. Should feel ok... Kitten has kept me as high as a 4. Taken tablets.22(4) Had a shit morning, but the day picked up, got angry at my kitten for breaking one of my favourite ornaments, but he was only playing so I soon felt stupid. Social art group tomorrow, don't want to go
(2) Test to see how much MoodPanda is a bug ridden horror show that doesn't post things properly and loses things you poured your heart into over and over again. Will this actually post?
23(5) Had a better day, today. Went to art group did this drawing: https://flic.kr/p/23GT7jS High quality: http://johntownshend.com/drawing.jpg Clem (my kitten) has been very scratchy today. Taken tablets.24(6) Having a peaceful morning. Taken meter readings for gas and electric. Got bills coming out of account on the 1st. Next get money on the 8th. Trying to not spend much. Saving for a computer.
(6) Low calorie day today, doing ok, want to keep losing weight. Long brisk walk on Thursday will help, going to re-do a walk I did in the winter. Dentist tomorrow... Taken tablets.
25(6) Dentist was ok. It was more uncomfortable than usual because I didn't take diazepam, but it was quick and painless, I was glad I got through it so had a decent day overall. Taken tablets.26(5) Had a decent day. Good walk, got rained on. Average mood, not good, not bad. Feeling helpful, although without confidence that I actually make a difference. Behind on hobbies. Taken tablets.27(7) Made a spicy fried rice dish. Yum! Taken tablets.28(5) 5.5. Tired, but not done a lot. Taken tablets.29(6) Made a song today that is inspired by 90s Cantonese Action Film Soundtracks: https://soundcloud.com/johntownshend/spirit-of-dragon haven't had food or tablets yet... been busy!
30(5) 5.5. Today has been alright. Cassette deck broke, think it's a drive belt, going to try and repair myself. Spares off eBay coming from Portugal, so it'll probably be a wait. Sun came out. Taken tabs.
May
MTWTFSS
 1(6) Good day, niece had a happy 6th birthday, despite her 3 year old brother's attempt to ruin it with a massive tantrum. Taken tablets.2(5) No idea how to rate today. I've felt good, I've felt bad. I haven't done anything in a while that has been massively embarrassing, a considerable improvement on my past record.??Taken tablets.3(5) The ceilings are so thin in these flats I can hear the guy above put the toilet seat down and do farts and more. It's not great.
(4) Not totally in pits of despair, just below average. Nostalgic walk around where I grew up, and shopping today. Didn't help much. Mood perked up when a song came on shuffle, album on later. Taken tabs.
4(6) A better day than yesterday, hopefully turning a corner from recent mini blip. Weather has helped. Kids just knocked on window and ran away as I'm typing this. Probably a dare... Taken tablets.5(5) Something not quite right. Beginning to do more, but instead of getting more confident I'm just getting way more self doubt and worry. In some ways there are benefits, getting used to being busy is6(6) Niece had her birthday party in the park, it was very sunny weather, going to my brother's house tomorrow, hour+ long bus journey on the hottest day of the year so far... Urgh. Taken tablets.
7(7) http://www.wildsheffield.com/reserves/greno-woods I walked around here with my brother. We took plenty of water, it was the hottest day of the year so far. A good day! Taken tablets.8(6) Susanne Sundfør album, Music For People In Trouble, was recommended to me by my brother yesterday, I got the LP + download in the post today and it's amazing! Right up my street!
(5) Taken tablets.
9(5) Nothing makes sense and I don't know what I'm doing. #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek #SchizoaffectiveDisorder #DayToDayExistence #Hashtag #NoFilter #CatsOfMoodPanda #XmasEveEveEveEveEveEveEveEveEveEveEveEv
(4) This rating is an overall rating for the last week and a half. I've probably rated consistently higher in an attempt to remain positive. I've opened my mouth too much recently, just shh! Taken tablets
10(6) Taken tablets. How does Alan Dent like his pasta?11(6) Started couch to 5k app. Had the voice of Gold medalist Michael Johnson telling me when to run and walk. Week 1 is a total of 8 minutes running, more weeks after. Run 3 times a week. Taken tablets.12(5) Bits of today have been really good, but I feel exhausted and have felt really tired all day. Also a quiet sadness has been the starting point. Also I've pulled a muscle in my shoulder. Taken tablets.13(6) 2nd run on CouchTo5k done, easier on lungs and heart, but my feet haven't forgiven me. My left running shoe has lost some padding on the heel so I put a plaster (band aid) on to not get a blister.
(7) Coughing and wheezing but drinking caffeine and eaten a spicy stir fry which was very tasty. Feeling positive about doing more exercise next week. Taken tablets.
14(5) Had a good time at art group. Felt horribly travel sick on the hot bus home, so 5. https://flic.kr/p/HuTK4K15(6) Haven't needed a diazepam since 26th of March. Completed week one of CouchTo5k. Sunny day. Waiting for support worker and then shopping and maybe a cup of tea. Cat is going silly bonkers!
(5) Mentally good in terms of 'can I cope with life at the moment?' If you said 'are you happy with what you feel able to do?' I'd say no. Tired of slow progress but it's better than none. Taken tablets.
16(6) https://soundcloud.com/johntownshend/si-beag-si-mor Some Irish music... on Electric Guitar... I'm quite pleased with it.
(5) Pleased with what I've done today, I've been quite busy, but I've not cleaned the kitchen/unblocked drain/vacuumed/put away dry clothes/put on washing loads x2/hung up washing, I have taken tablets.
17(5) I'm looking forward to starting week 2 of CouchTo5k tomorrow. Though I've ate so many carbs today they won't do me any favours. Taken tablets.18(5) I'd be a 6 but my back/shoulder is hurting, so 5. Taken tablets.19(5) If I won the Euromillions I'd buy some land and plant trees on it every day I was able to until I died. Then I'd leave the land to the public providing they kept it as accessible woodland forever.
(6) Watching the FA cup final, two defensive teams creating little of quality in the final third, certainly not one of the classics. Back/Shoulder still bad, hopefully better in a week or 2. Taken tablets
20(6) Proud of myself for doing today's run early and with only 4 hours dodgy sleep last night. Might take a sleeper if necessary tonight to guarantee some rest.
(7) Weird to have such a good mood with so little sleep. Going to risk not taking a sleeper because I'm tired. Just made a stir fry with extra lime juice, sugar, and chilli. Taken tablets.
21(5) Art group was ok. Wasn't pleased with my drawing, but enjoyed being there and doing it. Got good sleep last night, must wake up before it gets hot tomorrow and run, not too early though. Taken tablets22(4) 4.5 A bit irritable. Not feeling like socialising. I'll spend tomorrow by myself (and cat). Haven't had a day on my own for a while. I keep delaying a long walk, but been running more. Taken tablets.23(7) Ate my first Jersey Royal Potatoes of the year. They were delicious. Shy internet friend sent me a selfie which was a nice surprise. Did a painting which I'm quite pleased with. Taken tablets.24(6) Had a decent 8 mile walk through some very picturesque places, it wasn't the walk I've planned and keep putting off. A few blisters but they aren't bad and should be ok to run on tomorrow. Taken tabs.25(3) Murder on the street I live on. Not even helicopter from the park could save the victim in time. Killer still at large. I'm not really wanting to go for my run, and it's raining, maybe later...
(5) Did my run in the rain, eventually, it felt good. Police are everywhere in the area after last night's tragic events. Mood has been variable today, but over an undercurrent of calm. Taken tablets.
26(1) Had overwhelming impulse to jump off a bridge, but I'm alive. I feel like I will never be rid of this illness. Is constant recovery enough for me? I don't know. Taken tablets.27(4) The worst of the feeling is over, but it is 3:20am.
(5) Still not sure whether yesterday was a blip or something more, but I took a risk and expressed my feelings as much needed exercise today. Glad I didn't let myself wallow, but not 100%. Taken tablets.
(6) A panda off MoodPanda asked me about my past delusions. It felt liberating writing along message descrbing them. Thank you Panda (you know who you are! ?????????
28(6) Mood is good, but overall I still feel a bit uneasy, a bit lacking in confidence, but I guess it's better I'm aware of this, rather than being blind to the unlying feeling. Taken tablets.29(4) Feeling a bit sick, did so yesterday, got a spot forming near my lip and it's already annoying me. 4 is a reflection on the past week, I'm back to some normality but not quite there. Taken tablets.30(5) Taken tablets. Got all the things I wanted from the shop except seseme oil, which they didn't have. Cat has been lovely to me today.31(5) 1:07am. I haven't been asleep for an hour and a half. Two choices: 1) try to get back to sleep. 2) let cat in and be kept awake all night... I think you all know what I'm going to choose! ??????
(4) Really tired, but don't trust that I'll get sleep. I'll take a sleeper before bed. I felt worse this morning, until I updated my website, at least I did one useful thing today. Taken tablets.
June
MTWTFSS
    1(5) Feeling slightly more positive this morning, waiting in for courier collection and a delivery too. Going to have to delay first run of week 4 CouchTo5k til this evening to avoid heat. Stay awake!
(7) Mmmm post run endorphins... True relaxation.
(6) Felt good today, got return and delivery of the wrong thing the shop sent sorted, things like that really wind me up. Nothing planned for the weekend apart from run again Sunday. Taken Tablets.
2(5) If you want to hear an album that sounds like two lovely people smashing your head in with the power of sound, listen to the Lovely Eggs - This Is Eggland. Great stuff! ?
(1) Abusive emails from my brother, haven't felt this hurt since I was bullied as a kid. I feel hollow. Even if I stick around until I'm 80, I'll smile when the silence of death arrives. Taken tablets.
3(3) Still not feeling good. Spending time with my niece and nephew (my other brother's kids), my cat, and eating enough stir fry for 3 people has cheered me up. Taken tablets.
4(3) I'd usually enjoy the walk I did today, but I got nothing from it. Felt empty and closed off. I'll give myself time, I just hope this is not the start of a more prolonged low mood. Taken tablets.5(3) Still feel low, struggled with housework all morning, eventually did my run this pm, sense of achievement has gone missing. I'm feeling nothing positive. Chatting to a friend helped. Taken tablets.6(4) Day has got slightly better, my Dad bought me a takeaway from the Chinese. Was babysitting nephew most of the day, while it was hard work because I was in no mood, I did it. Taken tablets.7(4) Taken tablets.8(3) I feel fucking rubbish. I've been for a run. Poor Clemmy has been sick. I've also cleaned the kitchen. Got a 20 minute non stop run, run after next. I'm still too fat. I'll try. Taken tablets.9(4) A bit better today, but struggling to find the right words... Maybe I should just shut up and let the pond be still.
(5) 5? Maybe. Trying my best to feel better. I've regained some hope, but want to build up a good mindset on top that. Taken tablets.
10(4) Had an ok, unremarkable day. It went downhill about an hour ago. I can't expect my brain to work anything better than ok, because it doesn't work how I want it to very often. Taken tablets.
11(5) 4.5 I found today hard but I got through it. Trying to see that as an achievement despite also trying to convince myself otherwise. Worried about a friend, don't know how to help. Taken tablets.
(2) I just rated 5. How? Today I've been to an art group and felt paranoid as fuck every time I opened my mouth. I felt judged and I feel hate for myself for existing. I'm deluding myself. 5... Fuck off!
12(5) Did a run I didn't think I could do. Bloated after meal I had as reward. This is a day off from weight loss despite the run. Still thinking bad stuff but achievement brought mood up. Taken tablets.13(4) Had a stressful morning with the gas servicing man visiting this morning, decided I couldn't go to town without diazepam so took one, felt better, did shopping. Day has got better. Taken tablets.14(6) Feeling good, remains to be seen whether my knee is ok to run on tomorrow. I couldn't walk without limping at times today but it's feeling a bit better this evening. World Cup is here! Taken tablets.15(5) Happy with run, pushed hard. Knee has hurt on and off afterwards. This has been a week off from eating healthy but back on it today. Done half an hour of music and listened to new records. Taken tabs.16(5) A nice day but not all enjoyable. Presented a father's day gift a day early, he was really pleased and my mum liked it even more. Going to a car boot sale with him tomorrow morning. Taken tablets.17(5) An ok day, shoulder was hurting a lot. Run went well. Knee slowly getting stronger. Same weight as last week despite a week off eating healthy. Things to do, feel like doing other stuff. Taken tablets
18(4) 4... 3 for this morning, 5 for the afternoon. Got 25 minute runs and above starting tomorrow. I know I can do it, but will take it as easy as possible because I'll find it difficult. Taken tablets.19(4) Tired and uncomfortable. Taken tablets.20(4) Made too much food. Couldn't eat it all. Going use less of the chilli bean sauce I got. Maybe leave it out, it was better before. Got a replacement cassette deck, project back on. Taken tablets.21(6) Didn't enjoy my walk as much as I could've, felt like my support worker was trying to hide a bad mood, it rubbed off on me. Just relaxing in front of football, I'm feeling good enough. Taken tablets.22(4) Done another 25 minute run in the sun. It's getting easier despite the weather. Feeling unsure about having confidence in what I say. I upset people sometimes without meaning to. I need to move on.
(4) Irritable day. Enjoying a alcohol free (0.5%) weissbier, didn't like it at first but it's quite morish once getting used to the flavour. Taken tablets.
23(5) My mood is ok but my Mum is quite ill with her heart. I was only person with her as she fainted twice as a result of her heart pain medication. I hope she's better soon. I was scared. Taken tablets.24(5) I had a drink today that contained twice the daily recommended amount of sugar. Not a good day for the diet. Trying to figure out best day to try a 4th run per week. Mood is ok. Lonely. Taken tablets.
25(5) I was feeling quite good today, fun time playing badminton. I feel sick now after food. My Mum's been referred to a cardiologist. I hope she doesn't have a long wait for an appointment. Taken tablets26(6) Delayed run until tomorrow due to lack of sleep and temperature. Going to stick to 3 days a week but target some long walks one or two of the inbetween days. Taken tablets.27(5) Did a 25 minute run under double sedation of regular anti-psychotic and PRN diazepam. Didn't like that. Been feeling good with diazepam relaxing me the rest of the day. Did hour of music. Taken tabs.28(6) Walk through woods from my flat a quarter the way along the edge of the city and then walk into city centre after a café stop. Hot days walking through shade is great but I've been really irritable!29(8) 5k done! A week and 2/3 early. Week 8 Run 1. In 28 minutes. I really tried a bit too hard this morning so I'll take it easy next two runs. #CouchTo5k
(6) Going to try and be more productive and have less time doing nothing (I do a lot of nothing). Starting tomorrow! I'm feeling more relaxed today. Taken tablets.
30(6) Lost 2.7kg or 6lbs in the last 3 or 4 weeks. I hope this continues as I target extending 28 minute runs to 40 minutes by the end of July. It'll get harder as there is less fat to burn. Taken tablets.
July
MTWTFSS
      1(9) Done it! 5.05km confirmed in 28 minutes and 3 seconds. Completed CouchTo5k a week and 1/3 early! Really pushed at 90/95% for the first 20 minutes last 8 minutes I was exhausted but crept over the line
(6) Been really tired all day. 3 bad sleeps in a row. Still happy about getting to 5k this morning. Football was like a chess match, the best team didn't take any risks when attacking and lost. Taken tabs
2(4) Irritable. Annoyed that support worker reporting is I had a tablet mix up yesterday, she's just doing her job. It's such a nothing issue. Trying really hard for good sleep hygiene tonight. Taken tabs.3(5) Taken tablets.4(5) Running shoes I'd ordered are wide enough but too long. I'll try half a size down, hopefully they are the same width. It's a hassle returning stuff bought online, but I can't afford not to. Taken tabs5(5) New Aldi opening this weekend near my flat. Hooray! Nice walk today. Met a ladybird on the tram. Too hot on the bus home. Taken tablets.6(4) Head's not in the right place. Something this morning made me really jealous of people who socialise easily. I used to be able. Felt horrible on run after taking morning tablet late. Taken tablets.7(5) Didn't get much done today, waiting in for courier who I just discovered between 5pm - 9pm. Oops. Feeling ok. Anxious about the week ahead. Taken tablets.8(7) Did a good run in the heat this morning, went off too fast but plodded on after I had to slow down. Couldn't stop smiling once I got home, recovered and showered.
(4) I had a good morning. This afternoon I've wanted to do something creative but not done anything. Thought about making detailed plan and notes for writing but didn't. Chores are piling up. Taken tabs.
9(3) Review with support worker. These always upset me. Harsh realities of very slow or little improvement. Emotionally draining. Later the courier came to collect the return 41 hours late. Taken tablets.10(6) Nice day today. Good run this morning. Got a walk planned for tomorrow. World Cup semi final now. Purring cat. Taken tablets.11(5) Good walk today. Some bug bit my foot though. Football's starting. Taken tablets.12(5) Forgot to post earlier. Ok day. Taken tablets.13(6) First cloudy day in too long a time. Lovely weather for running this morning. Afternoon flew by without anything being done. Lovely evening with niece and nephew and Dad at the allotment. Taken tabs.14(3) Feel sick and sad. Tired. Taken tablets.15(5) Can't sleep. Thinking, having super-low expectations can make me content, but it won't solve all my problems, not that I expect it to.
(4) Tired! I put off my run due to no sleep and high temperatures. Will go tomorrow, fingers crossed for sleep tonight, I've done hardly anything these past two days. No fairytale for Croatia. Taken tabs.
16(5) Taken tablets.17(4) Taken tablets.18(4) Good run, decent day with family, but put on weight. Taken tablets.19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons31No Reasons