Everything has been really difficult for the last 2 weeks, most days I am struggling to not think of suicide too much or make plans. I'm just barely hanging on. & trying so hard to keep it a secret.
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Had a pretty good morning with family but broke down after lunch from being overwhelmed. Haven't really recovered from that. This week has just been too much. I need relief but am losing hope for it.
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Having moments of peace here and there the last couple of days, but fall to pieces instantly if anything gets stirred up. I don't want to do this anymore, I'm so weary.
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Last night my sister told me she and her husband are thinking of maybe moving to Japan. My heart is so broken just at the possibility. I feel like giving up, and honestly I wish I could die.
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Mostly things have been getting a little better, but today I just feel like giving up. Failed so hard at my therapy session yesterday. Not looking forward to anything coming. But who cares anyway
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Difficult psych appointment, then a root canal I wasn't really prepared for, frustrating things at work while I'm trying to rest. Proud for surviving today but feeling so weary.
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Dentist things getting sorted out, good therapy session this morning, relaxed Saturday planned with sister & brother-in-law, just a little anxiety of a weird work conversation. But pretty good today.
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Well, one of my teeth has a loose filling. Was nervous about that all night, but now have dentist appt this afternoon, & coworkers helping me w/shoot I had scheduled for the same time. Staying calm.
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Feeling weirdly sick - faint and dizzy and just off. But things with my friend are better, work is ok, family is ok, I'm ok. Got a new planner and cute stickers, trying so hard to be organized!
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Being dragged down by a friend. She's really nice, but has so many crises I can't solve, and has no other friends besides me. It's hard to deal with. Feel like hiding in bed forever. Losing strength.

Don't worry about fishing when you need to swim.

03 Feb 2016

Thanks everyone for your hugs and words of wisdom! It really helped me get through that

05 Feb 2016
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My face hurts from crying. But it was a good release. Today sucks and keeps sucking more.
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Feeling sad and lonely tonight. Trying to play it cool, but feeling hopeless about my future. Like I'll never be loved or happy, and don't even feel like trying anymore. Distracting myself w/coloring.
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Kinda low today with no good reason. But had a good therapy session yesterday, and this evening was able to help a friend during a hard day. So I'm ok. Almost back to ok financially too. Hopeful.
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Feeling kinda numb and hopeless this morning, not really for any good reason. So I'm trying to stay calm and press on with this day. At least I got to work almost on time!
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Got to sleep in a bit today, most of the day's activities seem ok, but worried about my doctor's appt, don't want him to see any cuts. He's very very kind but I hate people finding out.
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My therapist is wonderful but today's topics made me feel like I just maybe don't even want to be better anymore. It's too hard. And I feel like life just isn't worth all this effort.

I heard this analogy once that mental illness is like fighting your way back to civilisation after crashing in the jungle. Therapists mainly hand out sticks so you don't have to strangle everything with your bare hands.

22 Jan 2016

So to even try to make your way through the jungle with nothing but a stick is a heroic effort and most people can't see that's what you're doing :)

22 Jan 2016

I can relate to that feeling. Hope you find a way through xx

22 Jan 2016

Thanks everybody. Eike, that's a really good analogy, thanks for sharing it! I keep thinking about it :) And Christina, I'm glad you can relate, and yeah, I hope I find a way through, too

22 Jan 2016
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Feeling pretty ok today. A bit discouraged, and nervous for therapy today, but mostly fairly calm.
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Made it through another day. Feeling bad almost all day, but glad I have my sister who kept me company. Some days the darkness just feels overwhelming, and tonight is pretty bad.
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Yesterday ended badly, therapy was a mess & I couldn't shake being upset after. Then tried to comfort a friend who broke up w/her bf. Now feeling ashamed bc I didn't keep myself from self-harming.

You'll do better next week Emily. It's a new start.

15 Jan 2016
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Anxious as always, but also relieved and proud bc I survived being a guest on a friend's podcast. And I don't think I said too many terribly regrettable things, either.
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