I got manic for no reason. I'm going to start giving away my things and photos. It actually helps the less I have. I feel like I try to let it go but I can't! Why?!
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I had no clue from the start. Im just a total idiot. This is where I wish I could just fade away. I think I'm going to break. I'll do my best to stay in the background.
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Worked long hrs at office. Realized all the stupidness I've created. I will work it out mathematically as best I can.
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Christmas movies perked me up. Funny how these movies make you feel better but you worry about the rest of the world.
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Realized that working 9 hr. Shifts keeps my mind from wondering. I like it. C triggered my depression fast. I do so much and he still shows how he is excluding me. Wished my angel would guide me more
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Cuz is sick, worried. Just off. Everyone ganged up on me last week. Trying to resolve it all as fast as I can.
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Fought back tears yesterday. Bro & sis are over the top. Just terribly sad they are who they became-greedy. Am really done
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Something felt off but I can't figure why. J and kids are great. I don't want to see a Dr. or dentist. I'm trying to get courage. Does a dentist for depressed people exist? They always judge!!

Maria,be brave,and doctors don't judge.they help.don't be afraid. Take something for luck with you,I always take little heart, my daughter made it for me.good luck🙂🤝

11 Aug 2020
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Tried a holistic remedy and it helped a lot. J & I are happier bc of it. I can't focus on work. What's the point anymore?
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This moment is one of my better days. No anxiety. Going to try to work after. Just wish we did more family things
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Had a terrible episode a few days ago. Broke through & better. But I spent a lot on shopping these past days. L told me that J has been keeping a big lie from me. I sideways asked, he said no.

I believe him. Then he asked if I go half on a new home. I said no. He's such a liar! I have no reaction or feeling. Don't know how to feel

31 May 2020
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Realized I misspoke. J keeps it all & I can't ask for help. Now I'm really hurting. It wasn't about money, it's the fact that I don't matter. I'll be ok. This helps to know now.
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J went back to work. He couldn't get approved for unemployment. His schemes back fired on him. I'm glad bc it's deserved. I feel torn between trying to work and staying home.
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No more self pity. This has really snapped me. Praying more daily. And online church. I feel calmer. My nerves were a wreck. Tonight I think was I born and just set to fail? Feels like it.

My problem was the many secrets I never told my mom. Sometimes I wished I died a long time ago. Now, I have no choice but to try & make it right

05 Apr 2020

So if I would of spoken up as a kid, I know life would of been 100xs harder. It was already bad enough.

05 Apr 2020

I just don't know who I really am any more. who am I really. I feel like a no one.

05 Apr 2020
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Fam coming home from SB. Can't wait, I've been alone. No one to talk to. Only worried if they try to start in on me.
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E was so sad, she didn't make the team. Life is not fair. So why inflict it on the young now. Just sad for her. Hope she will still work on her skills.

Big big hugs from Shelley Bear.XXX

07 Mar 2020

Thank you pandas!

11 Mar 2020
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E was so sad, she didn't make the team. Life is not fair. So why inflict it on the young now. Just sad for her. Hope she will still work on her skills.
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Depression took the day off. Was positive last night too. J helped E with her turns!:) My anxiety is away for now.
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Next week is worrying me. Got canceled on. I've been disappointed before but I don't want that for others.
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Nervous for E. I can't afford private lessons like other moms. She knows this & it's adding to her stress. Which adds to mine. J won't help, I know better than to ask.
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