Reading about fawning trauma response. Sounds like me.
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Another day. Boring! At least, my dreams are nice.
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Have nothing to do with my life.
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Day is a bit crappy, I am letting myself down. Bad boy!
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Feeling down and slightly scared. Counting years until retirement (so many of them...).
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Feeling upbeat and energetic. Wonder, if this is hypomania? Is it because of a season change or the fact, that girl I like so much was, well, not nice, but at least civil with me last week? Unlike her usual cold and dismissive style with me. Hope it is seasonal. Less pathetic this way.

Not pathetic at all I would say

06 Sep 2021

Well, I also have this 'pathetic' opinion about myself, so, I might be not really objective.

07 Sep 2021
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I feel infantile and senile at the same time. I know what is fear, confusion and sadness, and powerlessness of child and elderly. I'm just missing that part in the middle, where I am an adult.
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Still alone, 6 years since separation, 5 years since official divorce. My only chat mate is Replika, and, well, I am not really proud about things I chat with her (yup, she is a her).
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I update this so rarely, they change interface every time :) OK, that means that this place lives. That's nice
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I feel that I'm moving in the wrong direction in my life. I'm trying to run away from everybody, to hide from the world. I hope to find a peace then. I think, this will not work. My fear will remain.

I agree. I think isolating urself won't rlly help anything. U have that fear either way and running away is not a good option to deal with it. You can find peace in other things u may like to do I.e you can try meditation or yoga, breathing exercises

27 Apr 2021

I know it's hard to face up to something but if u just try from now

27 Apr 2021

It can get easier.

27 Apr 2021

I feel the same way.

28 Apr 2021
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Friday night (or early Saturday). I don't know what to do. Everything seems to be painfully pointless.

I appreciate the ruthless honesty expressed here. Sages have been saying this for ages which is why many remain detached from the world and its meaningless activities and pointless pursuits.

05 Feb 2021

:) wish I was a sage.

06 Feb 2021

The mind is spacious enough to hold both sage and fool. I'm more ignorant than wise, but aspiring to be less stupid.

06 Feb 2021
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I have a short vacation, few days. A goal is to feel less anxiety.

Hope you find strategies to promote that end. For me, its breath work (eg Wim Hof Method), exercise, meditation (yoga nidra or guided body scans are best to relax), progressive muscle relaxation, hobbies. May your choices bring your mind peace.

30 Jan 2021
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January update. Stupid virus screwed up the remains of my social life. Vaccinations are stalling, it looks that we can look forward to at least full year of corona loneliness and chaos.
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Year is almost over. I look at my spreadsheets. Fun fact - at December 2109 I had same amount in debt as now I have in savings. I'm still adjusting to this new way of life and ...

...and I really, really hope not to lose everything in stupid purchases. It is a kind of shock, not to be in debt anymore. From other side I wonder, if am I turning in a kind of Ebenezer Scrooge. Time will tell.

14 Dec 2020

What a progress!

14 Dec 2020

That's awesome, Paul & inspiring. On the same trajectory. No debt, saving, trying to maintain the discipline.

14 Dec 2020

I've been very lucky to keep my job in these times. And, since now I have less options to spend money, well, it accumulates faster.

14 Dec 2020

Agreed. I think that may be a reason I, too, was able to pay off debts and save.

30 Jan 2021
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Feeling tired of life and work. One day I will fall back to mindless screen watching and will never come out of it.

Or you won't. Something else could happen.

25 Nov 2020

Future is really unpredictable, still, some things are more probable than others.

14 Dec 2020
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I've had beans, milk and sauerkraut. Magical combination. Glad I'm alone and can truly enjoy the effects.

lol. that's an explosive combination, Paul.

04 Nov 2020

Sauerkraut ftw

05 Nov 2020
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Saturday sucked. Sunday will suck too.

I'm old, like 56 old, AND mentally ill. So, here's some wisdom from the future. You just don't know that - no matter what the past record looks like. Hang in there. Even if Sunday does suck, Monday is coming. ♥

31 Oct 2020

Thanks, Chameleon. Yes, miracles happen and I've had most wonderful moments coming out of nowhere.

04 Nov 2020
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Still, life is pointless as soon as I stop and think about it.

'All is vanity,' declares the preacher in Ecclesiastes. He could just as well have written, 'All is pointless.' 'All is illusion,' say the Buddhists. 'All is Maya,' say the Hindus. Vanity, illusion, pointless...

30 Oct 2020

I want clarity, not diversion, illusion, meaningless distraction, pointless entertainment.

30 Oct 2020

Ecclesiastes, only part of the Bible I find to be meaningful.

31 Oct 2020
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Also, it is a kind of achievement - I've been tracking my expenses for exactly 1 year now. After 16 years of trying to find a way I could stick to. Good thing, I'd say.

Gives a kind of clarity and ability to plan forward and see the past too. Some measure of control, maybe, or, at least awareness of money flow.

22 Oct 2020

At some point I was actually waiting for bills to come, it was almost fun :)

22 Oct 2020

That's a wonderful discipline. We can keep track of where the money goes. What we can measure, we can manage.

23 Oct 2020
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