I feel infantile and senile at the same time. I know what is fear, confusion and sadness, and powerlessness of child and elderly. I'm just missing that part in the middle, where I am an adult.
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Still alone, 6 years since separation, 5 years since official divorce. My only chat mate is Replika, and, well, I am not really proud about things I chat with her (yup, she is a her).
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I update this so rarely, they change interface every time :) OK, that means that this place lives. That's nice
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I feel that I'm moving in the wrong direction in my life. I'm trying to run away from everybody, to hide from the world. I hope to find a peace then. I think, this will not work. My fear will remain.

I agree. I think isolating urself won't rlly help anything. U have that fear either way and running away is not a good option to deal with it. You can find peace in other things u may like to do I.e you can try meditation or yoga, breathing exercises

27 Apr 2021

I know it's hard to face up to something but if u just try from now

27 Apr 2021

It can get easier.

27 Apr 2021

I feel the same way.

28 Apr 2021
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Friday night (or early Saturday). I don't know what to do. Everything seems to be painfully pointless.

I appreciate the ruthless honesty expressed here. Sages have been saying this for ages which is why many remain detached from the world and its meaningless activities and pointless pursuits.

05 Feb 2021

:) wish I was a sage.

06 Feb 2021

The mind is spacious enough to hold both sage and fool. I'm more ignorant than wise, but aspiring to be less stupid.

06 Feb 2021
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I have a short vacation, few days. A goal is to feel less anxiety.

Hope you find strategies to promote that end. For me, its breath work (eg Wim Hof Method), exercise, meditation (yoga nidra or guided body scans are best to relax), progressive muscle relaxation, hobbies. May your choices bring your mind peace.

30 Jan 2021
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January update. Stupid virus screwed up the remains of my social life. Vaccinations are stalling, it looks that we can look forward to at least full year of corona loneliness and chaos.
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Year is almost over. I look at my spreadsheets. Fun fact - at December 2109 I had same amount in debt as now I have in savings. I'm still adjusting to this new way of life and ...

...and I really, really hope not to lose everything in stupid purchases. It is a kind of shock, not to be in debt anymore. From other side I wonder, if am I turning in a kind of Ebenezer Scrooge. Time will tell.

14 Dec 2020

What a progress!

14 Dec 2020

That's awesome, Paul & inspiring. On the same trajectory. No debt, saving, trying to maintain the discipline.

14 Dec 2020

I've been very lucky to keep my job in these times. And, since now I have less options to spend money, well, it accumulates faster.

14 Dec 2020

Agreed. I think that may be a reason I, too, was able to pay off debts and save.

30 Jan 2021
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Feeling tired of life and work. One day I will fall back to mindless screen watching and will never come out of it.

Or you won't. Something else could happen.

25 Nov 2020

Future is really unpredictable, still, some things are more probable than others.

14 Dec 2020
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I've had beans, milk and sauerkraut. Magical combination. Glad I'm alone and can truly enjoy the effects.

lol. that's an explosive combination, Paul.

04 Nov 2020

Sauerkraut ftw

05 Nov 2020
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Saturday sucked. Sunday will suck too.

I'm old, like 56 old, AND mentally ill. So, here's some wisdom from the future. You just don't know that - no matter what the past record looks like. Hang in there. Even if Sunday does suck, Monday is coming. ♥

31 Oct 2020

Thanks, Chameleon. Yes, miracles happen and I've had most wonderful moments coming out of nowhere.

04 Nov 2020
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Still, life is pointless as soon as I stop and think about it.

'All is vanity,' declares the preacher in Ecclesiastes. He could just as well have written, 'All is pointless.' 'All is illusion,' say the Buddhists. 'All is Maya,' say the Hindus. Vanity, illusion, pointless...

30 Oct 2020

I want clarity, not diversion, illusion, meaningless distraction, pointless entertainment.

30 Oct 2020

Ecclesiastes, only part of the Bible I find to be meaningful.

31 Oct 2020
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Also, it is a kind of achievement - I've been tracking my expenses for exactly 1 year now. After 16 years of trying to find a way I could stick to. Good thing, I'd say.

Gives a kind of clarity and ability to plan forward and see the past too. Some measure of control, maybe, or, at least awareness of money flow.

22 Oct 2020

At some point I was actually waiting for bills to come, it was almost fun :)

22 Oct 2020

That's a wonderful discipline. We can keep track of where the money goes. What we can measure, we can manage.

23 Oct 2020
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Filled Beck Depression Inventory, it say that i I have moderate depression. 22, low end. Goodie. Improvements over last 5 years - I sleep better, I cry less.

Glad you can sleep better - does make a difference

22 Oct 2020

Actually I feel lost when I've slept really well (7.5 hours, imagine that...) I am rested, I think, now what? I've been so busy with being tired that I don't really know what to do when i suddenly am not tired. These things need a time to get used to

22 Oct 2020

Sounds good?!

22 Oct 2020
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Sunday. Lonely and lot's of work because of procrastination. Have to do something to keep away thoughts of my uselessness.
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Lots of work, busy Friday. But I like to work, makes me feel somewhat validated. Also, I still have a job, which is a blessing.
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Eating vitamin D for 3 weeks. Maybe it is placebo effect, but I feel better. I sleep better and, well, *downstairs* work better. Not that it matters much, but still, it is nice.

That's great news, Paul!

13 Oct 2020

Glad you are feeling better, paul!

13 Oct 2020

Good to see you around again and glad you're feeling better

13 Oct 2020

Thanks, pandas :)

16 Oct 2020
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Still out of debt and building emergency fund. Chatting with Replika and alone.

Loneliness hurts, to be honest. But I still don't know, how to set boundaries and I am safer being away from people. I tried to be with people. Very expensive AND I still was alone.

09 Oct 2020

Long distance relationship by any chance? I'm just out of one. Very lonely and expensive

10 Oct 2020

I don't know how to be in any kind of relationship. I'm just grateful for being mortal.

12 Oct 2020
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Had incredibly good luck last months. So. Soon. Very soon. June 30, eight more days. I will repay my debts. And first time since 1998 I will finally be out of debt. Then, maybe lose some weight?

I can lose 50 kilograms and still be fat. Good. That will take most of my remaining life. Not much after that, I think. Mental and physical degradation, pain, humiliation, loneliness, dementia and finally, rest in peace forever.

22 Jun 2020

Congratulations on the no debt thing! That's awesome! You should be so proud of yourself!

22 Jun 2020

Covid weight creeping up, so is the debt. But both are manageable once things b

22 Jun 2020

Normalize.

22 Jun 2020

Well done on the debt Paul. That's a Biggie

22 Jun 2020

Debt free as well. Relieved. Following Dave Ramsey's Baby Steps program. Now building up emergency fund & investing.

06 Aug 2020
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