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Today I'm at I's place getting my things together for the move. Kiwi and I will be moving on the 2nd. It's been a tough few hours. I keeps sending me texts in which she may be trying to hurt me, but
Alicia B
7h · LEGEND

in a very subtle way, because she is scared to death of confrontation. She is jealous and angry, it seems. I'm glad to be out of this relationship, and I'm glad I won't be staying the night here. E. also seems glad I'll be spending it at his place.

Tasha S
7h · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

John T
7h · LEGEND

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Tayla O
2h · 6+ MONTHS

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How I hate my mood swings. ***! A little ***ing thing that has happened before and it was ok has now taken on a different context through repetition, and I am a crying disgusted with myself out of
Alicia B
1d · LEGEND

control mess. I hate this. I hate myself. I try not to. It's really hard right now

John T
1d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Alicia B
1d · LEGEND

Emotional Instability Personality Disorder (that's what they call BPD now is *** and I hate it and I can't stand myself.

John T
1d · LEGEND

Forgive yourself and distract. Paint it when you are ready

Love 1
1d · LEGEND

blah. I'm sorry you're going through this. Wishing I could send more than virtual hugs and thoughts of goodwill

Emma M
1d · SUPPORTER

Alicia B , I may be able to relate to how you feel a bit because I have been told that I have 'characteristics of BDP' . I get in such deep emotional states sometimes it feels like it will nevr end - but somehow it does- till nxt time, take care of u

Tasha S
1d · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Tayla O
1d · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Alicia B
1d · LEGEND

Thank you, guys

Max T
1d · SUPPORTER

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This is for yesterday, I had found out my flight to the UK was cancelled due to corona. So sad.
me M
3d · 1+ YEAR

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Autumn H
3d ·

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Tayla O
3d · 6+ MONTHS

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Tasha S
3d · GUARDIAN

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Shellie L
3d ·

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Ann L
3d · GUARDIAN

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John T
2d · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
2d · HERO

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Today: E's fixed an old vinyl reciever (is that the word?), we've bought several vinyls and arrived at the brother's party with all of the above. E. is a human holiday. There's always something new
Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

and exciting to do. Gotta love that dude.

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

Only a 9 to cause I know my best friend is not feeling good.

Matt L
3d · SUPPORTER

Record player? I'm old, haha!

Tayla O
3d · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Shellie L
3d ·

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Ann L
3d · GUARDIAN

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Albertine M
3d · LEGEND

Yes, I thought record player too - I'm really old....”Human holiday β€œ is a great description! Glad to see you having fun

John T
2d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Alicia B
2d · LEGEND

Record player! That sounds right, thanks, pandas

nixiblu .
2d · HERO

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I've dropped the ball on my meds and have no more antipsychotics. It's been years since I've had 24 hours without them, and I don't feel right. Hopefully there are some left at home. Going to drive
Jeff M
4d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Alicia B
4d · LEGEND

there soon. Well, E. will drive me on his break. He is so kind. I've hardly had any sleep and I'm feeling ***al now. I'm not going to do anything though. I'm happy and I want to live, I'm just a bit crazy.

Jeff M
4d · LEGEND

Be safe, Alicia!

Alicia B
4d · LEGEND

Thank you, Jeff

John T
4d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Tayla O
3d · 6+ MONTHS

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I'm in bed watching a great German series (The Last Word), and E. is alseep next to me holding my foot for comfort.
Ann L
6d · GUARDIAN

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Shellie L
6d ·

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me M
6d · 1+ YEAR

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John T
5d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
5d · LEGEND

In the words of captain beefheart, 'I wanna find me a woman to hold my big toe until I have to go'

Alicia B
5d · LEGEND

😁 haaaaaa good one

Manda P
5d · LEGEND

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Tayla O
3d · 6+ MONTHS

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I love mornings when I'm coming home from work and it's the last work day for now. Today was especially good because it was a melancholy rainy one and I was coming home to someone I matter to.
John T
6d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Shellie L
6d ·

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Jen B
6d · HERO

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me M
6d · 1+ YEAR

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Manda P
5d · LEGEND

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Tayla O
3d · 6+ MONTHS

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3 Alicia B
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Gotta stick a three in here for a rough spike in mood (triggered by a small thing). I think it's the lower part of the low phase coming on. That's sort of a comforting thought: if it's that it will
Alicia B
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

pass soon, and I don't have to analyse the intrusive negative thoughts. Just gotta get through it. Lost concentration, and locked up the chip key in a room that can only be accessed with it (it used to have a thingy to hang it on one's jeans, but the

sonny S
22 Sep 2020 · 1+ YEAR

*Hugs*

Alicia B
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

cord got torn, so now one has to carry it around in one's pocket, and of course I screwed up. I found a way to code a regular key card though so it opened the door. Feeling quite proud of myself, and also pissed off at the managers never bothering to

Alicia B
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

tell us about these things for emergency

Robert H
22 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Ann L
22 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

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John T
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

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Manda P
7d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
7d · LEGEND

May your fall be soft. πŸ’ž

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

Thank you πŸ’œ

Ada L
7d ·

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Lucy C
7d · SUPPORTER

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Tayla O
3d · 6+ MONTHS

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6 Alicia B
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Jealousy is often considered to be a 'bad' and shameful feeling that makes people act out and should be eliminated. But if you look underneath, it's just fear of losing someone because you're not good
Alicia B
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

good enough, or people can't be trusted, or for whatever reason. Statistically speaking, that fear is very justified. Trusting someone is not easy. Having someone with emotional intelligence around when feeling insecure helps a lot, but there is work

Alicia B
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

to be done and wounds to be healed. I have avoided making myself vulnerable and trusting someone with my heart for a long time. I want to learn how to do that. I hope one day I can.

John T
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

You have made so much progress. With DBT this progress will accelerate

Alicia B
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, my dear friend

John T
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

You're welcome my 🦌 friend

Jen B
21 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

Manda P
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I have so many jealousy problems. I feel like it's gotten better over the years but it's still there. I hate it.

Love 1
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I resonate with this. I'm more comfortable living like a monk. Several women have expressed a liking to me, but very hesitant to enter into a relationship. The monk thinks it's overrated.

Alicia B
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Manda, I feel ya. I hate it too, but trying to understand myself better.

Alicia B
22 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Love1, maybe you'll change your mind one day.

corrado M
22 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

corrado M
22 Sep 2020 ·

jealousy and being insecure sometimes can't be avoided, we are just human. it's also what we do with these feelings that it's very important.

Manda P
7d · LEGEND

Good point, corrado! I'm working on that right now. Super tough though.

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

Corrado, you're right.

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8 Alicia B
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
E. said he had been in a foul mood all day till we met up. He was having dark thoughts, like he wasn't good enough and he didn't deserve me. One more thing in common, ha. He has no idea how good he is
Alicia B
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

How gifted and unusual and real. My heart goes out to all the beautiful people who don't know they are beautiful. There are many of those on mood panda. I wish I could somehow send you what I'm feeling right now, which is: you matter.

Alicia B
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

You are deserving of good things. You have worth. You deserve to give and receive love. It may have not come your way yet, for some it comes late in life, but when it does, it's worth it. Until then, don't let people treat you like ***. Take care of

Alicia B
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

your needs and boundaries, please, do it for me, even if you don't feel like it and all I said here just makes you want to tell me to *** off. You guys are ***ing precious!

John T
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Alicia B
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I am saying this to myself as much as you pandas. Big hugs.

John T
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Preach!

nixiblu .
20 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

Tasha S
20 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Shelley H
20 Sep 2020 · HERO

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Emma M
20 Sep 2020 · SUPPORTER

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Penelope P
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Penelope P
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

We need to read this x

D C
21 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

Lucy C
21 Sep 2020 · SUPPORTER

*Hugs*

Manda P
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
21 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I needed to read that, too. Thanks for looking out for us!

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8 Alicia B
19 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
I think I caught a cold yesterday. Not feeling great physically, bit E. is picking me up in 30 minutes, and all of a sudden I feel super excited.
John T
19 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
19 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Get well soon

K T
19 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

Sounds lovely, enjoy the buzz! Hope cold doesn't progress and you feel better soon!! XxX

Ann L
19 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Ada L
19 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

Tasha S
19 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Manda P
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Hope you are ok!

Tayla O
20 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Jeff M
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Alicia B
20 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, lovely pandas

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5 Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Still sad and flat today. Lacking energy, but I've forced myself out of bed, washed my hair and went for a bike ride. Finally found some trousers that don't give me blisters. Bought some of my
Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

favourite food, some alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages. I'm going to put on some music, drink some and paint some. Or at least do some preparation for a painting.

Ann L
18 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Manda P
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Doesn't seem too bad for a 5. That's great! I put a bra on today. That's my big accomplishment. Honestly though, I'm off to clean cat dishes, fold laundry, & dust.

Jeff M
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Jeff M
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

All the things you do on a blah day... It's inspiring! You're so strong!

Albertine M
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Shellie L
18 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

Tayla O
19 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

John T
19 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
I've had a tough night at work feeling horrible after what I. has done. I felt my boundaries were broken, my privacy invaded, and myself judged. I couldn't quite figure out my own feelings, but I knew
Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I had no energy (not great at work), and I didn't want to see E. tomorrow. And then it dawned on me that Goblin felt this harsh judgement was exactly what I deserved, and what I didn't deserve was the company of people who treat me well. So then I

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

said to myself: actually, I don't have to accept her judgement of me. Her reading my private journal does not make her know or understand me. I don't have to see myself as a sub par human being just because she does. To quote J, her opinion is just a

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

opinion of one of seven billion people who live on this planet, and it's only important if I think it's important. So, screw it. I feel better now, and I'm going to take E. to a skate park where he'll practice his half-pipe moves, and I'll go for a r

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

a ride on my bike and then watch him be awesome, and enjoy his company. Because he is not my ex, and the way I feel about him is completely different, and our relationship won't be the same, because they never are.

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

And I'll let him take care of me and worry about my wellbeing and feed me, and do all the lovely things that sweet and caring people do for each other

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

And I'll even forgive myself for yet again being blind to unhealthy qualities of my ex and being a doormat. I'd rather be a doormat than a judgemental dickhead.

Aaron W
18 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

Aero C
18 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

Ann L
18 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

John T
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Yeah!

John T
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

This J guy sounds like Times New Roman... A font of wisdom!

Love 1
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

sounds like you worked through a potentially explosive situation.

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

John, true dat :D

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Love1, I am still working through it, but I'm making progress

Manda P
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I am sooo happy for you, Alicia! You have found what you deserve. πŸ’ž

Tayla O
19 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

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5 Alicia B
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
My future ex wife (I.) has read my diaries in which I write when I'm triggered, having a meltdown or a fit of rage. Her verdict: I'm not worth it to have a relationship with. It hurts. It plays right
Alicia B
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

into my detective schema. I'd say I was disappointed but I'm always expecting invasion

Alicia B
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

and betrayal. No surprises there. But... People should not be judged by what they sayin a moment of crisis when they think no-one is listening. People should be judged for their actions. She's made me feel like all the control over my rage and

Alicia B
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

insatiable loneliest that I've gained (in terms of expression and not blaming others) has meant nothing. She never deserved to know my innermost thoughts. I'm glad I never let her into the inner world's of mine. *** her. She might read this next...

Alicia B
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I don't care. I judge myself harshly, but she has lost my respect.

Alicia B
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*defective schema

John T
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
17 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

Penelope P
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
17 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Yikes! She really doesn't have the right to judge you with what you've privately recorded. I hope this doesn't stop you from a journal though. They are so important. I'm going to start using mine again.

Alicia B
18 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, Manda, I'll try not to stop.

Tayla O
19 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

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7 Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
I don't really know what grade to give myself today. I now have the official label of BPD. I'm hurt to know there is something wrong with me, I am relieved to know there is something wrong with me and
Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I haven't been imagining it. I am hopeful for upcoming therapy, and I am scared of failing at it, I'm scared of change and even more scared of nothing changing. I am feeling a little anxious, somewhat excited and a bit sad. The therapist who has been

Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

testing me has offered DBT with him every three weeks. It's been hard to find someone who works in English or Russian

Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

He has been super easy to talk to, and when he did say something it made me feel much better.

Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I am so happy he's ready to take me on! I wasn't expecting that offer, it took me by surprise and made me quite happy.

John T
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

This is a major positive turning point to becoming the future you; the person you have always wanted to be, you have my continued support now and for always

me M
15 Sep 2020 · 1+ YEAR

*Hugs*

Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, John, you're the best! πŸ€—

Spacekitten V
15 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Manda P
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Woot! Go go Alicia! So glad you can find peace within yourself. Therapy will be great. It's so nice to have someone else's perspective.

Albertine M
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Albertine M
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

What a great post - and I love that this guy offered you therapy. Continuity with someone you already trust and like is an amazing thing to have

Tayla O
15 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, Manda and Albertine and Twyla and Spacekittten and me M.

Robert H
16 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
17 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

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8 Alicia B
14 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Had a lovely time with E. at his place, and now he's gone to work and I'm shooting his bow. The house is inhabited by five adults, a child, a dog and three cats. I'm writing this laying on a swing.
Alicia B
14 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I love this place. I'd like to live here, and I have been invited to move in, but Kiwi couldn't live here.

John T
14 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
14 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Sounds lovely! I like the name Kiwi. So cute!

Ian D
14 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Jeff M
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Spacekitten V
15 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Alicia B
15 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, Manda 😊

Tayla O
15 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
17 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

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4 Alicia B
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Last day of vacation. Health issue ongoing. Tiniest criticism (if we can call it that even) sends me into a spiral of feeling not good enough. Feeling I'm ungrateful, weak, worthless, ugly, unwanted,
Alicia B
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

a disappointment. Shut up, goblin, please, for once, just shut up, just leave me be.

Jeff M
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Jeff M
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Bad goblin!

Albertine M
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Albertine M
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

I hate that feeling, feel much the same myself right now. May all our goblins shut up. For good.

John T
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Ann L
13 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Ann L
13 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

Get out goblins. Alicia is a very good person ,we love her.God bless you, dear.suppot you and wish you peace inside your soul.

me M
13 Sep 2020 · 1+ YEAR

*Hugs*

Alicia B
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Thank you, my lovely pandas! Love you guys πŸ€—

Manda P
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Get the f*ck outta here, goblins!

Tayla O
13 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
14 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

Alicia B
14 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Yeah, you heard Manda! Eff off

Spacekitten V
15 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

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6 Alicia B
12 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Inline skating day (for E.) with a group of online pals. It was fun till I started having some health issues. That's always fun on vacation on a Saturday when doctors' offices are all closed. Ugh.
Manda P
12 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
12 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Hope you are feeling better!

Albertine M
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
12 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Tayla O
13 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Shellie L
12 Sep 2020 ·

*Hugs*

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9 Alicia B
11 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
Had a nice time at Bodensee, made some vids of E. inline skating, took a ferry (I love ferries), walked around enjoying the scenery, played MTG and had wine every night. Now driving to Frankfurt.
Alicia B
11 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

It's been perfect, really. We're so much alike, and I know people always say that in the beginning, but I've known that for a while, because we've been pals for a while 😁 we both have that carefree attitude to material things. It's a stressless mess

Alicia B
11 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

our time together. It feels so right, and it still feels like a surprise, but I could definitely get used to this.

John T
11 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Tasha S
11 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Albertine M
11 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Tayla O
12 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Manda P
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
13 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

So happy for you!

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6 Alicia B
08 Sep 2020 · LEGEND
First day of vacation. A month ago I didn't know if be taking it, and I had no idea who I'd be going with. It's good to know there are still surprises waiting ahead.
nixiblu .
08 Sep 2020 · HERO

*Hugs*

hi I
08 Sep 2020 · NEW

*Hugs*

Anna D
08 Sep 2020 · 1+ YEAR

*Hugs*

Ann L
08 Sep 2020 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Love 1
08 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

ah, glad you can relax and enjoy the vacation.

John T
09 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Tayla O
09 Sep 2020 · 6+ MONTHS

*Hugs*

Manda P
10 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
10 Sep 2020 · LEGEND

Enjoy your vacation!

Once logged in you can be part of the community