I hate everything and everyone. I am so angry. Nothing new has happened, except E. has covid. I hate him too. This is just mental (un) health. I could break someone's face right now. But if course I'm going to be a civilized person. I'm gonna continue tidying up and pretending like everything is kind of fine. it's not. Nothing is ok and it hasn't been for a while.

That really sucks Alicia, I hope you haven't caught it too 😔

1 day ago

Love you lots dear Pandafriend. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time

23 hours ago
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Feeling slightly ill. E. has a fever. Not in the mood for a party at all. I've been having nightmares every time I fall asleep. Today I've been trying to focus on self love and the relationship with myself as the most important one. It's really hard. I have no idea how to do this. I've always focused on others. I don't really believe I can change that. Can I?
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I have a feeling my eyes are opening and things are changing. It's not a pleasant feeling. I feel like I'm losing something that I used to love. Am I going crazy or am I getting clarity? The ever present question... Making decisions when you can't trust your mind is a nightmare. But I'm not in despair anymore, just a bit sad.

That is so true about decisions. I hope things turn out ok. Glad you are out of despair though!

3 days ago
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I've been feeling way better taking the Seroquel for the last two days, but it's giving me headaches. Can't wait to get to the pharmacy and buy something for it. But I feel fine for the first time in a very long time. I've had ups and downs but I've generally been confused, panicky and close to tears almost all the time! Grateful for some respite, but this medication makes me hungry :(

i'm so glad it's helping! my wife uses it too . . . i tried it some years ago and it didn't jibe well with me . . . it's so interesting how different all of our internal chemistries are

5 days ago

It works for me for a time a then stops, unfortunately. Right now I am in need of a lot extra something.

3 days ago
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Everything that could go wrong at work today did, both for my predecessors (the late shift) and for me, and now there are no trains due to yet another suicide on the tracks. These happen way too often. It's like there was a dark cloud over the area and some of us didn't survive it. I have taken long release Seroquel though and was much calmer than I lately tend to be. I don't mind feeling

nothing at all for a while to be honest. I am exhausted by paranoia and intrusive thoughts. Life is tough, and here goes another person offing themselves to prove it. So many of them! Why are human brains so weird?

6 days ago

We're not made for knowing the things we know....

6 days ago

People can certainly be weird! :(

6 days ago

I hope that you don't have to go through more days like that, sending you some cheerful thoughts (like a wholesome kitten video ✨)

6 days ago

That's not an easy way to finish your working day.. I feel you.

6 days ago
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Had a very anxious night at work with hardly anything to do but feeling better this morning. I have come to the realisation that being in a relationship I'm invested in is terrifying and stressful but I feel unable to survive alone. This is all very unhealthy, but I have no idea what to do about it, so for now I'll do nothing. And try to be fair and kind.

be gentle with the self of you

7 days ago

Hold on there. Take care of yourself by having nice, healthy and warm breakfast all the time. :P

7 days ago

Thank you Itch and Tami :)

6 days ago
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I feel sad, lonely, confused, fragile and hopeless. I feel like crying all day. I want to be numb. I don't want to feel anything at all. I wish I had some drugs. Alcohol only makes me more sad now, so I'm not drinking. Except when I talk to my family, I don't know why it's so hard to tolerate them sober even if they are being nice. I'm going to start taking seroquel again, I just can't stand this.
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TW TW TW TW I want to not exist anymore. I know it'll pass, but it's horrible.
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Had a very nice time with E's family tonight. Mood dropped later. I am in a depriphase methinks. Just wanna sleep and do nothing, but of course I'll be getting ready for my German exam, taking care of some paperwork and possibly going skating.
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It's been a mixed bag of a few days. I am struggling with paranoia and anxiety. I have learned today that the mother of my most significant Russian bf has had a stroke. My mom thinks I should give him a friendly call because he is in isolation rn. It's like those fantasies I used to have when we were young that someday something like this will happen and I'll be helping him, except I'm not.

That's ok, I have a life and it's a good life and we were not a good fit. Actually, he is one of the reasons I often feel guilty. One of the times I messed up big time. We used to keep in touch and this year was the first time he didn't say

04 Oct 2021

Happy birthday to me. That's ok too, I wasn't bothered. Maybe I shouldn't write to him. Who the *** knows what's best for him! I'd like to help somehow, but maybe the best way is to stay gone?

04 Oct 2021

I also got news about Theo's brother having surgery for his cancer. Both brothers getting it the same year, what are the odds? My sister is feeling ok for theoat part though she needed a brief hospitalisation for a digestive issue (due to having a

04 Oct 2021

part of her intestine removed due to cancer). Life is happening everywhere. My best friend might be getting romantic with someone. E's brother is having his second child. People are having important things happen to them all the time, including me,

04 Oct 2021

and yet here I am, stuck in my head in a circle of the same thoughts turning and turning and turning. Please, let me out! It hurts and it's so stupid and pointless and unimportant and I've spent my whole life like this, fixated on one small thing in

04 Oct 2021

front of me as if there was no past with its vast multitude of experience and no future that certainly contains serious issues and death, but also all sorts of fun. I am so sick of my mind. It's a cage, and a small one at that.

04 Oct 2021

nodding into this

04 Oct 2021

Can comfirm I probably won't be getting romantic unless we are both inexplicably super horny. Which for her might be asking a lot, sadly.

04 Oct 2021

>^..^< (T.L.I. (Too Little Information (lol)

05 Oct 2021

Lollll you guys

05 Oct 2021
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Last day here on Mallorca, we're leaving tomorrow morning. Problems waiting at home but also my cat and my plants, and the general coziness. I've had a bit of a meltdown last night but it went pretty ok. I'm feeling better today. I've been thinking a lot about my feelings of guilt from the faraway past. I don't know if I'll ever get over them. I can't go to a priest and ask for forgiveness.

I'm pagan. There, I said it. I've felt pagan ever since I was little, in my own meaning of the word, and now it appears there are many many people in this world that consider themselves the same. There, I said it :) Never liked any of the organised

30 Sep 2021

religions. Anyway, I don't know what to do to heal the things I've done. There is no one left to apologize to. Can doing good for others be atonment of sorts? It doesn't seem fair. I don't know. I have to think about it.

30 Sep 2021

Maybe we don't need religion to let go and forgive ourselves. When we grow and look back, we can see how we were unskillful at times. That hurts. But we can acknowledge that we were acting in accordance with that past level of consciousness.

01 Oct 2021

when we know better, we do better. And when we do better, there many be some remorse around past mistakes.

01 Oct 2021

how is that landing?

01 Oct 2021

It was good , love!

05 Oct 2021
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Sad and hopeless. Gotta eat something, it might help. Wish I had some drugs. Don't wanna be myself right now.
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My future ex wife thinks the world revolves around her and would throw me under a train if it meant lifting her spirits for five minutes. She is a true piece of second rate stale dull ***. She is unable to tolerate any kind of emotional or physical discomfort and is the biggest coward I've met and blames everything in her life on others. Good riddance indeed. Hope I don't get deported...

One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made... But it's brought me to where I am and it's actually a great place to be. So screw her, I don't even remember she exists unless she does something nasty like she did today. She is not interesting or

28 Sep 2021

important enough for me to feel hurt over. Or even angry. I never loved her (like I said, big mistake). It's a good lesson though. Be more serious about whom you tie yourself to, future Alicia. You deserve respect and love - and fidelity, by the way.

28 Sep 2021

You deserve attention and care. We all do. Especially pandas. We've been through enough.

28 Sep 2021

Also, you deserve to feel free to be yourself. Don't you forget that. It's really important.

28 Sep 2021
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Awesome day even though we didn't go to the movies like we wanted. I have urban skated feeling kind of confident today, that makes me happy ans proud.
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Ugh now I'm upset with everything and feeling very fragile.
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Greetings from Palma de Mallorca, pandas! I'm skating along the seashore and feeling great. E. took some pics of me as I was changing into my skating gear and I'm actually sexy! I think. I'm glad I am learning to look at my body with kinder eyes. Sending some of the self love your way :)
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My mood has been pretty low today, and I've been easy to trigger, I think it's the lack of sleep. I've done well skating though, a tour of 22 km and some skating in skate parks as well. It's been suboptimal because I was expecting a lot of movement and instead we've been staying in one place except for the skate between two skate parks and the tour I did by myself. I also don't enjoy having tons

of people around. But I'm taking care of myself and it helps. I keep myself hydrated and fed and I remind myself that my mind can play tricks on me and everything isn't as bad as my brain can make it seem sometimes.

19 Sep 2021

Good post.

19 Sep 2021

point

19 Sep 2021

I was just listening to a Byron Katie interview. I like her process, called the Work,for dealing with intrusive thoughts that upset our balance.

19 Sep 2021

I should check that out!

20 Sep 2021
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Mood's been good today, except I'm at the hairdresser's now and they have Russian music on that I find a bit upsetting from time to time. Russian pop songs are so sad!
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Went to E's neice's start of school party. They are such a caring family. We didn't stay long because E was very sleepy (morning shift) and I also needed rest before work. The weather was fantastic, two people said I looked fab, and I've maintained control over instrusive thoughts that came at night when I was alone with nothing to do. I think I am getting better and better. Looking forward to

the inline skating trip to Frankfurt and a real vacation! On an island in the Mediterranean! How amazing is that???

15 Sep 2021
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Mood still poor but I've handled myself well. Had a nap, had a nice inline skate during the day, still had to use skills, also took a painkiller I didn't need... Ah well
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