barely able to walk around. That's why I call it Zombie. Let's hope I can avoid that on vacation.
Also, the whole brain-eating thing, but mostly the no energy part. I'm glad you've learned how to combat that!
love Picasso,happy for you
changed our flight. Going next Wednesday. This visit with mum was very, very tough for me. I've been flashbacking and switching between states (hence forgetting stuff). I've seen and learned and realised way too much for 10 days. Time to stop and to
relax and to self care. This here feels like a bit of meltdown. I'm so glad mum's gone and Inga's here. I don't think I should be alone right now. It feels dangerous. Right now I'm sitting in a shopping centre, watching some vids on their Wi-Fi and
trying to not think about anything family-related.
that'll probably lift my spirits quick. There's a sea! Big bodies of water are therapeutic. So are rocks and mountains.
And forests, and moors and meadows and fields, but I don't think there'll be many of those.
to let them go. At least some of them. I just wish at the end of a tough day I could go and collapse in the proximity of someone in particular.
childhood home. My mother doesn't smile, and neither did my gran. They did when they had to, but I'm talking about authentic smiling here. Now when my mother says she's seen something nice she does it in a flat tone of voice, adding something like
' people don't notice flowers as much as they should've. She is so emotionless, except for occasional sadness. I've never paid attention before. Our family of origin is like air, we just breathe it without thinking up until a point. I've never realis
what she looks like, either. I used to think I needed to shrink, get as small as I can to be OK. But now I see she is a half blind frail tiny little hunchback. She is weak, both physically and mentally, that's where the need to bring people down come
from. I don't want to be mean here. I feel really sorry for her. There is no lust for life in her, no joviality, no love for other living beings, and that's why she is not loved. She is lonely. There is no-one in her corner unconditionally. So sad.
I'd like to end this on a positive note but I can't. This is heavy stuff, and I wish I could help. But I can't.
Sorry for all the phone typos.
Grief is what this is. For the mother I never had. For the person she never was
For the life she could have had. For the acceptance she can not give me and I can not give her
For how unfair life can be. How fragile we humans are. Hugs to all the pandas. You guys are amazing.
You are amazing too <3
Thank you, me
thoughts about her expectations of me
I'm not saying everything's changed and there's no negativity anymore. It's just a conversation. Maybe it'll stop me care entirely.
I mean, I can for a couple hours when she's far away, but when she's here I can only be sad sad sad. So confused I couldn't tell up from down last night. But I'll be OK. At least I'm confronting it all now. That'll teach me some humility.
I'm a lover, not a fighter
All I could say to my inner child was 'I can't defend you well enough even now. But I know you, and I know what you've been through, and I believe you. And I'm with you. And I DO love you no matter what's.
Maybe it's so hard because you are redefining your relationship with her right now, and that's leaving you exposed. But you see all those things that you didn't before. It takes time, and she probably isn't even aware of it, but you'll get better!
Love her into submission! That doesn't make her behaviour acceptable though. Just trust yourself and you'll both progress
Jeff, you are so right. Things are happening right now that are new and good. Thank you.
John, I do hope we progress. Thank you.
It's not long till I catch myself doing things for her, and doing my best to do them so well that maybe she'll finally tell me I'm good enough. That she likes me. That she respects me. This is so sad and stupid. I don't know how she feels about me.
All I know is that I'm not going to invest into a relationship with someone who I'm not sure loves me, or thinks I'm more than good enough. This is a good learning moment.
abandonment anxiety. Fighting it with all I've got: swimming, self-talk, journaling, painting, Schleich horses with their welcoming textures. Not drinking, not cutting, not creating drama. Being helpful and caring as best I can. It's so damn hard.
Lots to do tomorrow. Will take some Seroquel and pop off to dreamland.
I can do it. But it'll take time. Waiting does nothing for my nerves.
today I feel great. I feel relieved and free. And sad, and angry, but mostly relieved. Now that my memories are losing their flashbacky urgent quality, the past can stay in the past.
That's amazing! So happy you were able to move past those memories and be free of them!
Thank you, Jeff, I hope I keep at it.