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  639 days
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A panic attack at noon. Walking, swimming and music to the rescue. If I do nothing I'll go to the Zombie state, and I don't want that. I can feel it very close. That would mean no energy, no emotions,
Alicia B
16h · LEGEND

barely able to walk around. That's why I call it Zombie. Let's hope I can avoid that on vacation.

Tayla O
15h ·

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Pamela T
13h · NEW

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Jeff M
10h · LEGEND

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Jeff M
10h · LEGEND

Also, the whole brain-eating thing, but mostly the no energy part. I'm glad you've learned how to combat that!

John T
9h · LEGEND

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Yesterday was very nice. Walked a lot. Drank too much though. The Picasso exhibition was great!
Tayla O
15h ·

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John T
9h · LEGEND

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vanja D
8h · NEW

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vanja D
8h · NEW

love Picasso,happy for you

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I've been so stressed out lately that my brain refuses to function. My memory is just not there, I keep screwing everything up. I'd forgotten my passport at home. Alice has sent it to me, we've
Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

changed our flight. Going next Wednesday. This visit with mum was very, very tough for me. I've been flashbacking and switching between states (hence forgetting stuff). I've seen and learned and realised way too much for 10 days. Time to stop and to

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

relax and to self care. This here feels like a bit of meltdown. I'm so glad mum's gone and Inga's here. I don't think I should be alone right now. It feels dangerous. Right now I'm sitting in a shopping centre, watching some vids on their Wi-Fi and

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

trying to not think about anything family-related.

Lokinas L
3d ·

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me M
2d · 6+ MONTHS

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Anna D
2d · 1+ YEAR

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John T
2d · LEGEND

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Tayla O
1d ·

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Jeff M
16h · LEGEND

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Mum's flown off to Moscow (having given us both some farewell stress). I. is on her way here. I'm feeling worn out and not really looking forward to anything. We're flying to Greece tomorrow, so
Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

that'll probably lift my spirits quick. There's a sea! Big bodies of water are therapeutic. So are rocks and mountains.

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

And forests, and moors and meadows and fields, but I don't think there'll be many of those.

Shelley H
3d · HERO

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Tayla O
3d ·

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nixiblu .
3d · HERO

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John T
2d · LEGEND

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Jeff M
16h · LEGEND

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I don't know what to say. It's been a nice day, but I'm feeling sad now.
John T
4d · LEGEND

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Robin R
4d · 6+ MONTHS

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Tayla O
4d ·

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Penelope P
4d · LEGEND

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Jeff M
4d · LEGEND

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me M
4d · 6+ MONTHS

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Had a nice swim in the pool. Did my now usual 2km. Looking forward to not living with mum again, though these 10 days have taught me a lot. Mood is not great but better than a few days ago.
Penelope P
5d · LEGEND

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Tayla O
5d ·

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sonny S
5d · 1+ YEAR

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Jeff M
5d · LEGEND

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John T
4d · LEGEND

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I'm feeling pretty good today. Got some flip flops for the pool ( going tomorrow), a tartan cardigan that looks great with my Doc Martens and walked a lot. I've faced some old traumas, now it's time
Alicia B
6d · LEGEND

to let them go. At least some of them. I just wish at the end of a tough day I could go and collapse in the proximity of someone in particular.

Jeff M
6d · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
6d · HERO

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Robert H
6d · GUARDIAN

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John T
4d · LEGEND

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I look back now and I realize my overall life experience has probably as much due to habit as to brain chemistry. Who knows, maybe my upbringing had changed the chemistry? No-one was happy in my
Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

childhood home. My mother doesn't smile, and neither did my gran. They did when they had to, but I'm talking about authentic smiling here. Now when my mother says she's seen something nice she does it in a flat tone of voice, adding something like

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

' people don't notice flowers as much as they should've. She is so emotionless, except for occasional sadness. I've never paid attention before. Our family of origin is like air, we just breathe it without thinking up until a point. I've never realis

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

what she looks like, either. I used to think I needed to shrink, get as small as I can to be OK. But now I see she is a half blind frail tiny little hunchback. She is weak, both physically and mentally, that's where the need to bring people down come

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

from. I don't want to be mean here. I feel really sorry for her. There is no lust for life in her, no joviality, no love for other living beings, and that's why she is not loved. She is lonely. There is no-one in her corner unconditionally. So sad.

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

I'd like to end this on a positive note but I can't. This is heavy stuff, and I wish I could help. But I can't.

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

Sorry for all the phone typos.

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

Grief is what this is. For the mother I never had. For the person she never was

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

For the life she could have had. For the acceptance she can not give me and I can not give her

nixiblu .
7d · HERO

*Hugs*

Alicia B
7d · LEGEND

For how unfair life can be. How fragile we humans are. Hugs to all the pandas. You guys are amazing.

me M
7d · 6+ MONTHS

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me M
7d · 6+ MONTHS

You are amazing too <3

Alicia B
6d · LEGEND

Thank you, me

Manda P
6d · LEGEND

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John T
4d · LEGEND

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4 Alicia B
08 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Nope. Can't have a normal relationship with mum. Just can't. She wears me out. Trying to paint my sorrows away.
Ian D
08 Sep 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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Tayla O
09 Sep 2019 ·

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me M
09 Sep 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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nixiblu .
09 Sep 2019 · HERO

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Jeff M
09 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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Manda P
6d · LEGEND

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John T
4d · LEGEND

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7 Alicia B
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Been happy ever since my swim last night. Bought mirror (!) goggles and hand flippers today. Super excited to try the latter out. I've been doubting whether I need them but here in Berlin everyone
Tayla O
06 Sep 2019 ·

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Alicia B
08 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

has them.

John T
4d · LEGEND

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6 Alicia B
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Well, this has been an interesting experience. Mother has said she was sorry she didn't give me the sense of security I needed to go into the world. I've solemnly promised her I would give up all
Alicia B
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

thoughts about her expectations of me

Alicia B
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

I'm not saying everything's changed and there's no negativity anymore. It's just a conversation. Maybe it'll stop me care entirely.

John T
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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Robert H
06 Sep 2019 · GUARDIAN

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Tayla O
06 Sep 2019 ·

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me M
06 Sep 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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Jeff M
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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sonny S
06 Sep 2019 · 1+ YEAR

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3 Alicia B
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Alicia: 0, Mum the Gaslighting Pro: 1. Got reduced to a heap of snot last night. She's got an unfair advantage when it comes to my buttons, because she's created my buttons. And I can't hate her.
Alicia B
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

I mean, I can for a couple hours when she's far away, but when she's here I can only be sad sad sad. So confused I couldn't tell up from down last night. But I'll be OK. At least I'm confronting it all now. That'll teach me some humility.

Alicia B
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

I'm a lover, not a fighter

Alicia B
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

All I could say to my inner child was 'I can't defend you well enough even now. But I know you, and I know what you've been through, and I believe you. And I'm with you. And I DO love you no matter what's.

Jeff M
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

Maybe it's so hard because you are redefining your relationship with her right now, and that's leaving you exposed. But you see all those things that you didn't before. It takes time, and she probably isn't even aware of it, but you'll get better!

Jeff M
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

Love her into submission! That doesn't make her behaviour acceptable though. Just trust yourself and you'll both progress

Alicia B
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

Jeff, you are so right. Things are happening right now that are new and good. Thank you.

Alicia B
06 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

John, I do hope we progress. Thank you.

me M
06 Sep 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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5 Alicia B
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Now that I don't need mother's approval or validation I catch myself thinking: ' she's so much fun. She's really artistic and funny and smart. And she's got an impeccable sense of style'.
Alicia B
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

It's not long till I catch myself doing things for her, and doing my best to do them so well that maybe she'll finally tell me I'm good enough. That she likes me. That she respects me. This is so sad and stupid. I don't know how she feels about me.

Alicia B
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

All I know is that I'm not going to invest into a relationship with someone who I'm not sure loves me, or thinks I'm more than good enough. This is a good learning moment.

Jeff M
04 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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Tayla O
04 Sep 2019 ·

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John T
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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3 Alicia B
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Last night was really tough, still flashbacking. Didn't even pack. Threw some clothes into my bag that I'm not sure even go together. There's still morning. Traveling will reboot me.
Jazz C
03 Sep 2019 · NEW

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tEnT S
03 Sep 2019 · 1+ YEAR

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Tayla O
03 Sep 2019 ·

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Jeff M
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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John T
05 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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4 Alicia B
01 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Went to my dancing teacher's place to find out she is quitting teaching. I can't dance for 6 more months anyway. I'll probably start Zumba once I'm allowed. Otherwise still not doing great. Having
Alicia B
01 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

abandonment anxiety. Fighting it with all I've got: swimming, self-talk, journaling, painting, Schleich horses with their welcoming textures. Not drinking, not cutting, not creating drama. Being helpful and caring as best I can. It's so damn hard.

Alicia B
01 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

Lots to do tomorrow. Will take some Seroquel and pop off to dreamland.

Penelope P
01 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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me M
02 Sep 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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nixiblu .
02 Sep 2019 · HERO

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Jeff M
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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4 Alicia B
01 Sep 2019 · LEGEND
Feeling needy. Gone into an abandonment melange. Trying hard not to hate myself for that. It's so hard to only do good, healthy, rational things when I'm like this. Some journaling and then bed.
Alexia G
01 Sep 2019 ·

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Chris A
01 Sep 2019 ·

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Robin R
01 Sep 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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Penelope P
01 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
02 Sep 2019 · HERO

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Jeff M
03 Sep 2019 · LEGEND

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6 Alicia B
30 Aug 2019 · LEGEND
Last night was kind of tough, but I had a decent swim today, so that makes a 6 I guess? Thinking a lot about the future, the things I need to accomplish, the changes I need to make. I'm not scared.
Alicia B
30 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

I can do it. But it'll take time. Waiting does nothing for my nerves.

nixiblu .
30 Aug 2019 · HERO

*Hugs*

Tayla O
31 Aug 2019 ·

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7 Alicia B
28 Aug 2019 · LEGEND
I've never been so un-***al while not hypomanic before. It's an all-time low for self-hatred, self-disgust and shame. Wow. Enjoying some me time by the pool. AND feeling lovey dovey. Life's good.
Ian D
28 Aug 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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Tayla O
29 Aug 2019 ·

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Robin R
29 Aug 2019 · 6+ MONTHS

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Jeff M
29 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
29 Aug 2019 · HERO

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6 Alicia B
27 Aug 2019 · LEGEND
I'd told my subby I wanted to remember what exactly's happened to me as a child. And after some time working on the emotional flashbacks, it's happened. I was shocked and horrified yesterday, but
Alicia B
27 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

today I feel great. I feel relieved and free. And sad, and angry, but mostly relieved. Now that my memories are losing their flashbacky urgent quality, the past can stay in the past.

Jeff M
27 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Jeff M
27 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

That's amazing! So happy you were able to move past those memories and be free of them!

Alicia B
28 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

Thank you, Jeff, I hope I keep at it.

Tayla O
29 Aug 2019 ·

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nixiblu .
29 Aug 2019 · HERO

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4 Alicia B
25 Aug 2019 · LEGEND
I've been doing good today, keeping mum at bay, not disassociating, not going into a flashback... and being a dick to the nicest, kindest, most loved person in my life. Well done, me! *** me sideways
Snail M
26 Aug 2019 ·

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nixiblu .
26 Aug 2019 · HERO

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Jeff M
26 Aug 2019 · LEGEND

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Tayla O
26 Aug 2019 ·

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