I haven't gotten enough sleep and felt a bit low this night but that's to be expected. Lete remind myself how far I've come: I've kicked my alcohol addiction, I can see more clearly now when I am being paranoid, I have learned to take care of myself, I am learning to focus on the positive, I am learning to fulfill my own needs, and I am very lucky with the people in my life and they see something

worthwhile in me. I am not cured and maybe I never will be but I am doing so much better overall. I have almost no thoughts of hurting myself in any way and I even have some hopes for the future. Highs and lows are normal for me (and everyone

5 hours ago

I suppose). I'll be ok.

5 hours ago

You've done big steps! I hope you'll be better and better ❤️🌸🌷

2 hours ago
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Not smoking today and feeling a lot of emotion, which is my baseline but I'm kind of enjoying it. Had a chat with my bestie that has helped greatly with the pain that comes with ageing as a woman. He is incredible, isn't he? I actually feel like I have worked through some stuff right then and there, and it was just texting. I'm so lucky ☺️☺️☺️
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Day off, yay! Woke up with no motivation but feeling quite content. Gonna try and do some shopping and cooking, light a candle, maybe take a bath later. Yes, that sounds good.

Cap

2 days ago
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I'm doing great lately. Got a handle on the thoughts that have been tormenting me, and when I don't I take some green medicine. Very small doses so I can still do everything that needs to be done, but my head is quieter. It's like taking a vacation from myself, I love it. Thank you mother nature.

Now that I can take a step back from the dark thoughts I realise I'm ridiculously happy. This is one of the best times of my life.

4 days ago

Happy to read this. Big hugs

4 days ago

Cap

2 days ago
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Feeling good in general but very ugly and also annoyed I have to babysit at work.
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Feels a bit boring and aimless here at home, gotta try and create some kind of routine for my days off. I guess I just need some time to adjust.
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Georgia was exhausting and amazing and so real and so mine and I have gotten out of my bad phase and I feel alive and happy and safe and inspired and proud of myself. It would take a short book to describe that project, so I'll just note here that I rate it and my mood as a definite 10.
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Evolution has made us so we don't go extinct. It did not create us to be happy. So when we are it's a pure bonus and a win.

And yet, I often want to scream at myself: why can't you just be happy when nothing bad is happening? When you have so many things in your life that deserve appreciation. You have love of multiple people, including a parent, a great friend, a partner

02 Nov 2021

And at least two of them are so good to you, you never even thought that was possible. You are traveling to a new country tomorrow FOR FREE, your ticket and hotel and food are paid for, your boss lets you go and is freaking happy that you're such a

02 Nov 2021

great employee, you've just had covid with barely any symptoms when people actually die from it, you are under 40, you are fairly attractive, you are intelligent, you are living in one of the best countries to live in right now

02 Nov 2021

Of course there are issues and things you've done wrong in life and chances you'd missed, but seriously, isn't everything you have worth a little appreciation? BPD poisons everything. I know I can hurt people around me but I hurt no one as bad as I

02 Nov 2021

hurt myself. Although I am deeply sorry for all I've done to others that was hurtful and I am ready to apologize anytime.

02 Nov 2021
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Well. I don't know how to rate today because on one hand I woke up with a song that upsets me in my head and it's made me cry and I've been hearing it all day. On the other hand I've achieved a state of peacefulness (without any substances) through acceptance of the fact that my brain is broken and it keeps telling me things that are not true. For some of those things I can't really see them as
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Well, this quarantine has been weird, I have mostly felt good and been smoking. Unfortunately I don't have much of it left, but I feel so much better with it. Feels like I've thought through some important stuff but everything will probably go back to pain once I don't have any green anymore.
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Had some revelations lately, but I think I've lost faith in those too... They come and go and life basically stays the same.
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Been smoking green and feeling fine thanks to it, but spending a whole day baked is not a way to live life. On the other hand, it's the weekend. I'm okayish today. Seroquel didn't help much but made me hungry. I guess I'll give it a pass again. I should just accept there are no pills that help. There are drugs that do but we can't possibly allow people to feel better on micro doses of codeine, no

Let's have them take antidepressants that have way worse side effects and do nothing at all for BPD. Also we can't possibly prescribe weed which immediately takes intrusive thoughts away and has hardly any side effects. No, that would be too easy.

23 Oct 2021

Let's keep making more and more dangerous and useless meds and test them on animals and just be big pharma pieces of ***.

23 Oct 2021
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Heey it turns out I do have covid. I feel fine though, as if it was just a cold. It might get worse or might just be another week sitting at home with nothing to do. I have a ton of stuff that needs doing but absolutely no motivation. I need to find the strength and take care of myself, but it's so hard when you're mentally ill. I need Radical Acceptance big time.
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Woke up feeling good, went to utter misery in a matter of moments. E's really trying to help, saying all sort of nice and loving things. I'm depressed. It seems like I lost my Joie de vivre somewhere along the way. I remember mean girls saying im always smiling, I must be an Idiot. I remember someone asking me 'how are you so happy all the time, what's your secret?' , I remember someone calling me

Happiness incarnate. That was all when I was still under 20 though. Life has sucked it out of me and I don't think I can ever be truly happy again.

19 Oct 2021

You don't have to force yourself to be a ball of positive energy in a hard world. I try to focus on the quiet happy moments. A calm cup of tea. It's enough to be content for a while.

19 Oct 2021
Amanda G
  NEW

I relate completely. So sorry you're in this place right now. (& nice mean girls line btw)

19 Oct 2021
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Will this ever end? I should be in therapy, I should be getting my *** together so I can build a better, healthier life, but I can't get myself to complete any of the necessary tasks. I am caught in a thought loop and getting depressed. I've painted my terracotta symbols I made for meditation and witchy stuff. I've bought groceries and cooked but that's about my max right now.

I catch myself hoping I also get covid and the symptoms make me forget what I keep thinking. I don't really want to die, even though right now I don't have much hope for anything.

19 Oct 2021

I had a similar experience and found out that it's called “passive suicidal ideation.” It's dangerous! Is there anyone who you can ask for help?

19 Oct 2021

***, Christina! Ugh, you're right. I have a psychiatrist, I could go to the hospital for a bit but I don't want to

19 Oct 2021
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I hate everything and everyone. I am so angry. Nothing new has happened, except E. has covid. I hate him too. This is just mental (un) health. I could break someone's face right now. But if course I'm going to be a civilized person. I'm gonna continue tidying up and pretending like everything is kind of fine. it's not. Nothing is ok and it hasn't been for a while.

That really sucks Alicia, I hope you haven't caught it too 😔

17 Oct 2021

Love you lots dear Pandafriend. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time

17 Oct 2021

Thank you panderoos

19 Oct 2021
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Feeling slightly ill. E. has a fever. Not in the mood for a party at all. I've been having nightmares every time I fall asleep. Today I've been trying to focus on self love and the relationship with myself as the most important one. It's really hard. I have no idea how to do this. I've always focused on others. I don't really believe I can change that. Can I?
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I have a feeling my eyes are opening and things are changing. It's not a pleasant feeling. I feel like I'm losing something that I used to love. Am I going crazy or am I getting clarity? The ever present question... Making decisions when you can't trust your mind is a nightmare. But I'm not in despair anymore, just a bit sad.

That is so true about decisions. I hope things turn out ok. Glad you are out of despair though!

15 Oct 2021
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I've been feeling way better taking the Seroquel for the last two days, but it's giving me headaches. Can't wait to get to the pharmacy and buy something for it. But I feel fine for the first time in a very long time. I've had ups and downs but I've generally been confused, panicky and close to tears almost all the time! Grateful for some respite, but this medication makes me hungry :(

i'm so glad it's helping! my wife uses it too . . . i tried it some years ago and it didn't jibe well with me . . . it's so interesting how different all of our internal chemistries are

13 Oct 2021

It works for me for a time a then stops, unfortunately. Right now I am in need of a lot extra something.

15 Oct 2021
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Everything that could go wrong at work today did, both for my predecessors (the late shift) and for me, and now there are no trains due to yet another suicide on the tracks. These happen way too often. It's like there was a dark cloud over the area and some of us didn't survive it. I have taken long release Seroquel though and was much calmer than I lately tend to be. I don't mind feeling

nothing at all for a while to be honest. I am exhausted by paranoia and intrusive thoughts. Life is tough, and here goes another person offing themselves to prove it. So many of them! Why are human brains so weird?

12 Oct 2021

We're not made for knowing the things we know....

12 Oct 2021

People can certainly be weird! :(

12 Oct 2021

I hope that you don't have to go through more days like that, sending you some cheerful thoughts (like a wholesome kitten video ✨)

12 Oct 2021

That's not an easy way to finish your working day.. I feel you.

12 Oct 2021
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