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  971 days
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Another day spent cleaning and packing. Instead of rest felt like working on my vlog project. Doing something creative is better than Netflix, especially if you're someone like me who gets triggered
Alicia B
2d · LEGEND

by everything. Felt lonely and in need of more attention.

Esther B
2d · LEGEND

We can be lonely together 🤗

Tasha S
2d · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

John T
2d · LEGEND

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Anna D
2d · SUPPORTER

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Love !
2d · LEGEND

Doing something creative is indeed better than watching someone else's creation esp if the soul has something to say and idea is waiting to be birthed through you.

Ann L
2d · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
2d · HERO

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Jaery C
1d · NEW

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Manda P
1d · LEGEND

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Manda P
1d · LEGEND

What's the vlog project?

Alicia B
15h · LEGEND

Manda, I want to try and start a YouTube channel abouty experience with BPD

Alicia B
15h · LEGEND

Esther, yes let's!

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A busy day packing, taking boxes into storage, a quick hang with E's fam. Mood labile but soothed by attention. Didn't have time to do my writing, I had gotten almost used to it as a little ritual.
Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

It's sort of like extended Mood Panda where I can rant on and on. And no-one reads it because it's all on my laptop lol. Didn't meditate either, but yesterday's meditation was.... Emotional. I cried and yelled at some higher power, it was weird! Doc

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

appointment tomorrow, so going to bed early. ISH.

sami b
3d ·

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Mandy H
3d · 6+ MONTHS

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Ann L
3d · GUARDIAN

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Mad,Bad&Sad S
3d ·

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I might try and start a YouTube channel about BPD. I've been writing scripts for it.
John T
3d · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
3d · LEGEND

YASSSSSSSS QUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEN

Love !
3d · LEGEND

Sounds positive. Many may be able to benefit.

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

Thanks, love!

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

John, yasssssss

Ann L
3d · GUARDIAN

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Mad,Bad&Sad S
3d ·

Awesome please make sure to let me know! ^^

Mad,Bad&Sad S
3d ·

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Was irritable and angry all day, instigated a bit, but got a handle on it. Ended up having an episode anyway, but hid it from everyone. Felt totally crazy and out of control. But I'm ok now.
Mad,Bad&Sad S
5d ·

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Max T
5d · LEGEND

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John T
5d · LEGEND

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Mad,Bad&Sad S
5d ·

Alicia, how does an episode look like? Is it necessary for you to cry to call it an episode or just feel like a one hell but no cries? Do you have kinda like a 'burned man' reaction towards other people?

Ann L
5d · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Alicia B
4d · LEGEND

Mad, I cry a lot and self harm sometimes, either way it feels like intense emotional pain. Some people can't cry, but they still have episodes, right? I call it one when I don't want to live and I can't control what I say. So I prefer to be alone, or

Alicia B
4d · LEGEND

talk to one person who gets me. I don't get the burned out reaction because I often hide my episodes.

Alicia B
4d · LEGEND

Oh i misread you. Yeah, I do find it hard to focus on others when it's like that (if that's what you mean)

Mad,Bad&Sad S
4d ·

Thank you for sharing <3 this means a lot to me. i can relate to a lot of what youre saying. by 'burned man' reaction I meant that u become so fearful of others abandoning/hurting you that you just shut them out alltogether.

Mad,Bad&Sad S
4d ·

That you either withdraw yourself completely or end the relationship as a result of pain of not feeling cared for enough by them? One of my therapists described it as 'a reaction of a burned man' since its a reaction due to past traumas.

Alicia B
3d · LEGEND

Yes, mad! I do that, too. I've ended relationships because of it and I'm finding my current relationship almost unbearable although it's a very good one

Mad,Bad&Sad S
3d ·

do you also get the need to leave the relationships cuz u dont feel good enough?u feel like u just cant win to be accepted, belong to relationshp/group of ppl. so u just leave. its just small things that add up to a point when u feell such unbearable

Mad,Bad&Sad S
3d ·

pressure its comparable to drowning. in the end u mostly only hurt yourself by this really. i think this one is more of cptsd thing though.

Mad,Bad&Sad S
1d ·

Alicia how do you deal with that? Is it possible without meds?

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A very good day that so easily gets ruined by me getting triggered. I'll lower it to a seven for that reason. Feeling happy about the arrival of spring, a little bit of motivation and new temporary
Alicia B
5d · LEGEND

flat. Moving is a lot of work but I'm glad I won't have to move to E's parents' for a months it would have been too stressful for Kiwi and annoying for E. and me.

Mad,Bad&Sad S
5d ·

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Max T
5d · LEGEND

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John T
5d · LEGEND

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Ann L
5d · GUARDIAN

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Talking to bestie made me feel heard. Laughed my head off for most of the night. Perfectly happy. A rare jewel of a night.
John T
6d · LEGEND

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Alyssa S
6d ·

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Gus L
6d ·

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Ann L
6d · GUARDIAN

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6 Alicia B
20 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
It was a lovely day, I was spoiled and loved and yet intrusive thoughts never stopped. Hopefully I'll have less of them someday soon. It's about time!
J A
21 Feb 2021 ·

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Spacekitten V
21 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Esther B
21 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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Ann L
7d · GUARDIAN

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John T
7d · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
7d · HERO

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7 Alicia B
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
I said, Goblin, you spend all that energy attacking the person in whose head you live. Do you realize if I die you will die, too? I know you want to hurt people, even if I'm the only one available,
Alicia B
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

I know you are so, so angry, but imagine if you helped me instead. You are the one whose voice really matters, you are the only one who could SAVE me. Imagine how I would love you if you did that. I would worship you like my own personal god, you

Alicia B
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

would be the best thing that's ever happened to me. And yet, here we are, with your pathetic little attacks on a pathetic heap of snot on the bathroom floor that is me. Such a waste.

Alicia B
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

I said this monologue to Goblin the other day.

Sarah N
19 Feb 2021 ·

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John T
19 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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Love !
20 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

Love this. When we integrate the weak and strong parts we feel whole... self-acceptance is an act of love. You are willing and on the path. Externalizing these parts helps, too. Goblin is a good name. I'll knit her a sweater. :)

sami b
20 Feb 2021 ·

happy birthday!

Jen B
20 Feb 2021 · HERO

*Hugs*

Love !
20 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

Happy 18th birthday!

Jen B
20 Feb 2021 · HERO

Happy Birthday Alicia!

Manda P
20 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Manda P
20 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

Happy Happy Birthday, Alicia! Sending so much love! 💞

Alicia B
21 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

Thank you, pandas 😊

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6 Alicia B
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
My heart is full of holes, wherever you touch it it hurts. I wanted to try everything, and I've paid the price. But still, it's a heart and it's function is to love. Not to know the future, or believe
Alicia B
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

or plan. To love. And it knows how to do that, still. It's not very brave, it's had to go through too much, but it still functions.

John T
18 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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Robert H
18 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Alyssa S
18 Feb 2021 ·

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Ann L
18 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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nixiblu .
18 Feb 2021 · HERO

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Love !
20 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

hmm. vulnerability is strength. You expressed that beautifully.

Alicia B
6d · LEGEND

Thank you, Lovey

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8 Alicia B
16 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
An all-round good day. Did nothing special, but feeling quite stable. Watching The Staircase and vids on body dysmorphia for self-help.
Hailey O
16 Feb 2021 ·

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Shyzel -
16 Feb 2021 · NEW

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Nadia B
16 Feb 2021 · NEW

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Ann L
17 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Esther B
17 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Ann L
20 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

Alicia, happy birthday, с днем рождения!Здоровья тебе и всего самого доброго.хороших друзей,тепла и уюта🌹🌹🌹❤

Alicia B
6d · LEGEND

Спасибо, Анна 😊

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6 Alicia B
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
What I need most of all these days is clarity, but isn't that what eludes people who are considered 'crazy' most? If only for a while, I wish I could see clearly.
John T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

John T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

“Clarity, just confuses me. The lines upon the map a strange assembly.”

John T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

https://youtu.be/9LMafdIHCRc

Love !
16 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

I long for clarity, too.

Ash H
16 Feb 2021 ·

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6 Alicia B
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
Did some sledging, took some selfies with E., had a nice dinner and some good wine, watched some old vids and Love Actually, it's been a good valentine's 😊 🙃 room for improvement though. I still
Alicia B
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

feel quite vulnerable.

Ann L
15 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

*Hugs*

Max T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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John T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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5 Alicia B
13 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
Intrusive thoughts again. Asked for reassurance, got some relief, but it won't last long. I can't handle being in love. I know it's what I wanted but I'm too insane. It's too much. But I am, nothing
Alicia B
13 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

I can do about it now, until it runs its course. Had a fun time sledging though! It was cold and sunny today. I want to go again tomorrow.

Mandy H
13 Feb 2021 · 6+ MONTHS

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John T
13 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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nat !
14 Feb 2021 ·

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sonny S
14 Feb 2021 · 1+ YEAR

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Willow E
14 Feb 2021 ·

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nixiblu .
14 Feb 2021 · HERO

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Max T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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5 Alicia B
13 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
A rollercoaster. Ecstatic one minute, contemplating ***e another. Exhausted. If I had to curse someone I wouldn't wish death or physical sickness on them. I'd curse them with BPD. Let all you have
Alicia B
13 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

be poisoned. Let your mind be your worst enemy. Let you pay forever pay with suffering for the horrible things that happened to you as a child. Life isn't fair, is it.

nat !
13 Feb 2021 ·

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Ann L
13 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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John T
14 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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Max T
15 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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6 Alicia B
11 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
I had two drops in mood when despair just jumps out at me. Otherwise a good, quiet day.
Rian B
12 Feb 2021 ·

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John T
12 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
12 Feb 2021 · HERO

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Ann L
12 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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6 Alicia B
11 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
A good day. Chill
John T
12 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Ann L
12 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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6 Alicia B
10 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
Angry at my psychiatrist. I hate to be told off like a child. I know I forgot my ECG for the second time in a row, but guess what I've been depressed as *** and I told you about it and aren't you
Alicia B
10 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

supposed to know a few things about depression?

John T
10 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Mad,Bad&Sad S
10 Feb 2021 ·

Ughhh.. I feel ya.

Mad,Bad&Sad S
10 Feb 2021 ·

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Ann L
10 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Love !
10 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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me M
10 Feb 2021 · 1+ YEAR

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Spacekitten V
11 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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6 Alicia B
09 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
I feel a bit empty, my head is quiet, thoughts don't get stuck in there which is fab. I've had a laughing fit for the first time in a long while.
John T
10 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

*Hugs*

Ann L
10 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Love !
10 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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Daniela B
10 Feb 2021 ·

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me M
10 Feb 2021 · 1+ YEAR

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Spacekitten V
11 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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5 Alicia B
06 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
Numb. This is a phase I really don't like, it feels so boring and pointless. Would I rather be suffering? Not really. But I don't like this thing either.
Ann L
07 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Emylee T
07 Feb 2021 · NEW

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John T
07 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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nixiblu .
07 Feb 2021 · HERO

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5 Alicia B
05 Feb 2021 · LEGEND
Had a sort of a weird moment when a voice in my head said: I've thought about this person six times in the last few months, and that's six times more than they deserve. I don't care and I'm not
Alicia B
06 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

interested, and I'll go do something I like doing instead.

shaun a
06 Feb 2021 · NEW

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Anna D
06 Feb 2021 · SUPPORTER

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Mandy H
06 Feb 2021 · 6+ MONTHS

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John T
06 Feb 2021 · LEGEND

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me M
06 Feb 2021 · 1+ YEAR

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Spacekitten V
06 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Ann L
06 Feb 2021 · GUARDIAN

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Anna D
06 Feb 2021 · SUPPORTER

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Meags M
07 Feb 2021 · NEW

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nixiblu .
07 Feb 2021 · HERO

*Hugs*

nixiblu .
07 Feb 2021 · HERO

I like the voice in your head

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