I've noticed lately that my self esteem does not depend on how good I am at something anymore. It's a change that's happened sometime in the last year and a half. I used to be upset by failing a tiny thing at work, by making a mistake when I speak, b
By not looking good enough, by not doing something creative well enough, by saying something stupid, by not being liked by some random, by losing a game. It's amazing how much I've changed. And before the antidepressants, too
I love everything about this!
I feel much more stable on them and thus more able to enjoy this change. The work I've been doing was not in vain, I'm sure all the reading, thinking, self-talk, exercises and journaling have all helped. But nothing has ever felt as powerful as
finding a therapeutic alliance. I call it that even though it's not with a mental health professional. An intimate relationship, a real human connection, love, call it what you will. I feel supported and safe and cared about for the first time in my
I feel like I can be myself. And work on becoming a better myself. Everything is easier
now. Work, sleep, creativity, relating to people, not just the one person but all people
Dancing, singing, thinking, sitting on a bus, doing nothing, being excited and being bored. It's the end of the year and I thought I'd take some time to appreciate this gift out loud. 2019 was amazing.
Thank you to the universe
And to the young pandas out there, don't lose hope. Life can be tough but it can also surprise you.
Well said, Alicia! I'm so glad you've reached this point. You are amazing & we are lucky to have you as a Panda. 💞
pretty nice. I like coming home in the morning. I like mornings but I hate waking up early, so this is perfect. Plus, I'm getting a ton of flattery from coworkers and guests, and who doesn't like an ego massage?
I feel confident in both my mind and my body. If only I could come home and find there someone who is currently far away, then my happiness would be total.
Glad you're enjoying the job, even with the language barrier!
So happy to see this much green! I'm glad things are going well. Sounds like you are a rockstar at the new job!
Thank you, pandas
people, speaking a new language. I'm so lucky to have changed in this way. Being chill makes life a hoot.
I think the ssri is making me more energetic.
That's awesome, Alicia! I'm so happy for you! 💞
met the musicians.
Hope your first day goes well. I wouldn't mind dancing my head off!
I thought you were dancing your toys off...?
Lol John my typos stay between you and me, OK?
things. But maybe this is a good test. Sometimes people don't know if they love someone or not. Feeling great amounts of empathy for them is probably a good sign.
everything looking good and proper, the ability to completely check out of reality to play a game. I'm not saying those are male qualities, just the qualities of these two guys and me.
I've been in pain for as long as I can remember. I've wanted it to stop for such a long time, but who am I without it? It's been the driving force in my life, what's going to drive me now? Don't get me wrong, it's been getting me into trouble.
It's made my life into a mess even I myself couldn't justify or explain. It was a familiar mess though. What now? It's probably a short-term rest though. I should just enjoy it while it lasts. The mess will be back, no need to miss it.
I'd like to take this time to work and make some money. I'm still waiting on that contract though, I don't know what's gone wrong. Hopefully, it's all just a big screw-up.
I can relate to this. When I manage to drag myself out of deep depressive periods, I do sort of miss that person. There's comfort in knowing the pain is real when the lack of pain feels unreal. Plus, I often am most inspired by pain...
I get that, Jeff, and I think there's also a little voice that thinks I don't deserve to be happy and joy unnatural for me. It is a powerful voice, but it's wrong!
I've heard that voice before too.
Best of luck! Or, rather, hope it went well!
How'd it go?
It went ... I didn't understand anything but otherwise it was great )))
It's so strange but my social anxiety is just gone. Since when? How? Why? I have no idea, I need to think about it. I'm really curious.
I feel fragile and somewhat unreal. The world around me also feels unreal. Having someone in your life who asks you how you feel about things is amazing, it can promote so much change. In winter I feel very close to how I'd felt back in Russia.
Very unprotected and small. That makes me miss people who were not necessarily good for me. I'm not upset at all though. Just curious as usual to take my thoughts apart and see how they work. This is the first time ever I've felt able to handle this
particular type of flashback. I've had them since I was 16, maybe even before that. Interesting.
For those of you who don't know me, I am 36 now. Healing takes time and work. If you are young, don't despair, there's plenty of good stuff waiting for you, too.
Well said, Alicia! I hope the winter treats you well. 💞
Thank you, Manda <3
I just started season 2. Didn't think it needed another season after how the first one ended, but I do like this dark comedy, so I hope it goes well!
I totally agree, Jeff, it was a piece of art as a mini-series. But it's funnier now, so I guess it's all good :)
Looking forward to checking the new season out. We're drowning in football & basketball over here.
It's been a 4 all day but I've talked to J at night and that felt like an 8 :) <3 <3 <3
I love driving. It used to terrify me but now I only get nervous on the interstate. Good luck with it. Sure am glad you have J. ❤️
Thank you, Manda, I'm glad too! And I hope I like driving just as much as you do.
felt good at home. My mum was asleep and I was finally able to relax. It's still the same when she comes to visit. And even when she's not here I still love night time. I love the quiet and the mystery of it, too. I also like the feeling of
liberation I get when I leave home by myself. It makes no sense these days but the feeling is still very much alive. I've thoroughly enjoyed myself today.
Happy you enjoyed yourself! There is something so magical being out in a quiet, dark night. A little mysterious, a tiny bit dangerous...it's a cool feeling!
Glad to hear you liked the trial run! I get scared at night if I'm by myself. 😕
I hope so too, Alicia! I am also always inspired how much you learn from and accept the bad periods.
thank you, Jeff, that's such a lovely thing to say
I understood 96 per cent of what they said, I didn't make any glaring mistakes, I looked perfectly confident and god I'm feeling so smug right now! I guess I'm good under pressure now? LOVE that!
Congratulations, Alicia! That's so great. Well deserved!
Thank you :)