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canttt focussssss, but i could think rationally, and make the better decision.
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inability to concentrate, in this void
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im feeling really clear, crystal clear.
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lethargic. soooo sooo lthargic. I think i missed yesterday's drug dose. anyway i ate 10 chcolats, i cant sit still, i cant focus on what i need to focus, it drifts to something else
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i will try not running away from my emotions, nor numbing it for 2 months, lets see what happens
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geeeez im so closed off to my mom and im so stubborn in telling her anything partly cause theres aomething within me thats blocking me from communicating with her efficiently
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danggg im so concentrated in making this writing this essay for english class great, in order to make up for my lack of efforts on my other writings in class.
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danggg i really do feel the need to control my environment, its so severe. If the 'requirements' are not met I completely shut down ......
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i have the hard time coping with the idea that my existence is going to be acknowledged, i like to think that im invisible and have 'convinced' myself that others wont acknowledge my existence

Why is that? I have an opposite problem, I am afraid no one cares I exist and that's seems close to truth)

27 Oct 2018

I am curious too!! . . . Perhaps Verra is not comfortable in social situations so she developed the idea of being invisible which gave her a sense of comfort. When it's threatened she feels uncomfortable? Is this how you feel, Verra? xxx

27 Oct 2018

yes! @Keeping Track A that is exactly why.. i have avoidant personality disorder and social situations really heightens my anxiety. The idea of being invisible probably gave me a sense of comfort because that way if I 'messed up' in my mind No one ha

27 Oct 2018

-s seen it, tho not very realistic at all. it's how ive been 'coping' and lately ive been more and more bombarded with reality and i came to a 'realization' that people do acknowledge me, CAUSE i freeken exist.

27 Oct 2018

(((my depersonalization derealization disorder probably contributed to this mindset because this disorder makes me think real life is unreal...therefore im unreal too..))

27 Oct 2018

@ivan hahaaa dangg how ironic people be wanting different complete opposite things ayeee

27 Oct 2018

i

28 Oct 2018

whoops . . . I was reading a book today. Sometimes we use maladapted coping techniques. I learnt about how dissociation is a coping technique developed during childhoodtrauma which is deprimental in adult life . . . makes sense. I hope you can manage

28 Oct 2018

to grow and heal through this experience. Existing and being acknowledged can be pretty awesome sometimes. 😉

28 Oct 2018

@Keeping Track A: heeehee all those info u just said from the book are facts >:) its only recently that i realize that i have still been using those maladaptive coping techniques i used as a child, now that im adult, those are not helpful--

30 Oct 2018

-- and make me feel worse. and I actually challenged myself to be acknowledged today and im feeling great LOL existing truly can be awesome sometimes, u right bout that.

30 Oct 2018
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dangggg i egressed so much these past 3 days, but im picking myself up again. There are still a lot of issues that needs to be addressed and not avoided. I dont want to mask it with bandages anymore
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big problems with me wanting to control everything. Must let go of my attachment of what has been or what will be. Also i told therapist i only connect with her 55%.
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wtf i feel really awful and my head is burning and i had a screaming breakdown in the car ride home today
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im so hurt that alenz didnt let me follow his spam, this brought on other feelings of inadequacy. I was having such a happy time chatting with friends but now im starting to devalue. I DONT LIKE THIS
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after school i was walking and i felt, for the first timee in a long time, being allowed to breathe and move freely without severe limitations
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confronting issues head on instead of delaying it, which leads to nowhere
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