that I have still avoided work and that is the main issue that has caused this crisis. I need to guide myself step by step to make the wisest steps and to help myself get back on track.
Also, very sore stomach
Making it 3 instead of 4
I tend to ignore work as well sometimes. Just hard to focus on something I have to do until it has to be done, I guess. Not very motivated either. I hope your stomach feels better!
Previously, I had been seeing the consultant every time as I had raised with him that I found it very difficult seeing someone different at every appointment. So then he started seeing me himself every time. Only for about 15 minutes. Which seems
like nothing when you have waited 8 weeks, or in this case it would be up to 10 weeks if I waited for the appointment I had been given.
And then when you attend clinic, even at the time that has been stated, you wait for nearly an hour sometimes so they are obviously spending that time with other patients. 🤷🏽♀️
I got very upset but then I asked myself, what am I hoping to get from him exactly? Stronger meds? Him making the decision for me that work was clearly too much for me and I should do something else?! Have full-time treatment before I return to work?
Lift my spirits with encouraging words? . . . I think I have this weird part of me that finds it so difficult to cope that I just want someone to soothe me and tell me that it is OK that I couldn't. Because that was what it was like when I grew up.
Even if I found it very difficult to manage friendships or schoolwork at times, if Mom and Dad were kind and loving, at least I had that. . . That seems very twisted but I think that is what I do when I am in crisis.
Maybe subconsciously, under it all, that's the habit. Whereas what would really be beneficial is if I were able to do all of that, mostly in my own internal dialogue/had some way of coping or destressing that let me feel strong enough to cope with
the things I found difficult. Thank God for Moodpanda where I can reveal my deepest and darkest thoughts I find hard to face or to say aloud to a human, face-to-face.
thanks for sharing all this. i think what you feel it's not uncommon, sometimes i also want someone else to tell me what i already know. it makes us feel validated, and cared for.
of course the ideal would be to be able to do it ourself, to be the ones talking with our more fragile selves with warmth and understanding, but that takes work.
I really appreciated reading this. You're right, what would he do? I too seek solace and comfort from someone else. Maybe that's all we need is someone else knowing we struggle and empathizing. Someone to seem to care...
I'm glad you posted this. Made me think. We're here to be that comfort, in any way we can, KTbear!
Corrado, thank you so much. I can't remember if I commented on your post before but seeing you rationalise my thought pattern makes me feel a little less angry at myself. You are right, it takes time to learn to do these things ourselves.
Thank you Jeff. It's great to know that the Moodpanda family has got my back through the toughest of times.
And thanks everyone for hugs.
inside me that seem to continually resurface. I feel stuck all of a sudden, hating myself for letting myself get back to this place. Again. I want someone to flick a switch in my brain that lets me be able to make simple decisions to get back on
track one step at a time. I keep flitting to different people I trust that support me, trying to talk things out and feeling better talking because at least my anxious loop of thoughts isn't in my own mind, dricing me to anxiety where I am out of
breath, heart racing or to where I am tearful and crying. I don't know how to resolve the pains inside me that affect my everyday interactions and prevent me from functioning 'normally' and maintaining functional relationships. But I can't seem to
break the cycle. And knowing all this, weighs heavy on my heart because I realise that it's the lack of self love that leads me to self destructive behaviour. But because of those perverse patterns, I can't find it inside myself to dig out that self
love enough to guide myself through facing my work, which is my biggest fear at he minute. . . Or is it my family relationships? I don't know. . . I feel confused, lacking clarity. Slow. Angry but also blank. This familiarity makes me feel like I can
can't break out of the cycle but I did it before. . . How the hell did I do it before? Why can't I seem to remember?! Why does every option seem so scary that I'm frozen, which is the worst option of all.
me. She spent 40 minutes with me and even gave me a hug and said we're going to get through this. And that I don't have to go through this alone. Which was very nice. But I also felt awkward talking to her as she is one of the more managerial roles.
I had been hoping to slip out under the radar, just saying I was unwell and not getting into detail about how I feel behind and I'm depressed, have been struggling to get out of bed, that I feel like a failure and fake of a teacher and that I feel l
I'm just bluffing all the time.
Went to doc. Hadn't seen her before. She recommended rest and plenty of fluids for viral cold I have, as well as some time off work as it is overwhelming. My housemates reckon I should take the full week, that I need that proper time to just do
Relax and do nothing. I am worried about being alone and home and unsure if it will be good to take time off and trust myself to look after myself etc. There is also a meeting on Monday I didn't want to miss etc.
Also, I'm worried about what my colleagues/boss will think and I am worried about falling even MORE behind with the course with my classes as I will be missing teaching time.
Oh dear KT bear. Please don't beat yourself up. I hope you can take a little time out and rest. You're not a failure, you just need to go easier on yourself because surely there is no wrong way to do YOU? You will get through this.
This sounds rough. I know how hard it is to doubt yourself in a job, especially a career that demands so much dedication. Plus to deal with depression and being sick and this cold, dark time of the year...You'll get through this though!
Thank you Penelope. You are right there is no wrong way to be ourselves.
Jeff, thanks a lot. It helps to know that others can relate to me.
Thanks all for hugs.
I'm a bit worried about that.
on time for the deadline so that's the main thing. The 3rd years could have had a more representative average and I'm pretty sure I am missing some of the first year marks.
Have been looking behind my shoulder all day, waiting for the principal to call me into the office over the issue with two students in my class that was brought up at the parent-teacher meeting yesterday. It
It's not a nice feeling. I scored it 4 because even though I am quite satisfied that I got the grades submitted, I am feeling tired and drained. . . That's all for now. Sorry I have not been commenting on other peoples' posts too much of late.
On second thought, parting thought: feeling out of the loop, a bit lost and lonely. A little bit disconnected/directionless. . . I think it's because I have found it hard to adjust to being back to work after Xmas break and I feel out of the loop,
disorganised and a bit overwhelmed by everything that I have to do. Motivation and energy levels are low. :/
Such a tough job. Some parents will never be happy. And they blame you, even when it isn't your fault. I hope you locate the records you need!
These things happen very often, it's normal, don't worry 😀
cluttered . . . Overall, I am feeling serene in this moment. 🙂
A little bit worried that I haven't heard much from my boyfriend this week and only ever when it was invited by me . . . He is probably just busy at work. I don't want to crowd him. Going to try to wait it out until he contacts me next!!
The waiting is tough. Surely he would like it if you called
For some reason, I combined the chewing gum and car incidents into one thing, which actually sounded messy but amusing. I'm sure neither were, though!
Well! It was amusing today! . . . The chewing gum incident. And in a bizarre way, I managed to turn the first car incident into something to be proud of because the tyre went flat and I changed my first tyre! 👊🏽
As for the second car incident, I never told the owner of the car and hoped they mightn't notice. I think it's my neighbours car. It was very minor damage but it was hard to assess the damage and I'm not sure if it was all because of me or not.
So I'm feeling a bit guilty today.
Thanks for the hugs, guys
Hope everyone is keeping well. Xx
lent her to use just after my Grandma passed away. I had said I wanted the frame back as I was going to put the picture of my Grandma in it, so I just asked for it back. My Mom is annoyed and said that most people would just let that go . ..
Am I being unreasonable?!
PS I also bought one of the other frames which was used for a photo of me. It had also been used for a picture of my grandmother but the photo was replaced to use for a photo of me. I remember at the time, when we were having people up to the house
after the funeral, my brother bought food and was reimbursed. I bought the frames and had photos printed of my grandmother and was not offered to be reimbursed and did not ask either. However, I would like the frame which had been gifted to me by an
ex-boyfriend back, now that the funeral has long passed and it is being used to hold a picture of my brother . . . I feel it should be plain and simple, it's a nice frame and a gift to me and I don't simply want the money to buy a new one, I want
that same one but now my mother is annoyed with me . . . I don't know if I'm being petty or if she is the one being unfair. . . . Maybe it's a bit of both. :/
Now, she just came into my bedroom, tossed the frames on the bed and said, 'There you go, Rachel! There's your frames. Do what you ***ing want with them!'
I get where you are coming from 100%! You just wanted it because it has sentimental meaning. It isn't the same even if you do get the same one. You were being reasonable and i think your mother overreacted. Glad you got it back at least. Hope you sor
Things out with your mother. Keep going x
Thanks Tayla. I know it was an ex that gave me the frame but it was always a very nice frame and I had planned it to put my grandmother's photo in it. I didn't really care about the gold one.
Now my mom just came in, barged through the door which I had placed a suitcase in front of so that she would not do the same and demanded for the photo of myself back as she paid for it, 'seeing as I would be that tight about a frame'. She would not
step out of the room to let me put some clothes on even though I was topless and had indicated where the photo was so she could have taken it back herself. . . I think I will just brush my teeth, take my night-time medication and try to sleep even
though I feel upset.
Surprisingly, I don't feel super upset by this, just a little sad that she can't seem to see my point of view at all. I didn't bother trying to explain. I feel she would not take it in right now because she is too angry.
I went down to speak with my mother. I told her I didn't understand why she was so angry. She started shouting and said she was sick of dealing with me and that the whole lot of us were driving her nuts. She said I was going to run away just like my
Dad does and that he'd better 'deal with me' before I left. My Dad just looked sad. Then she drove off even though she had drank a bottle and a half of wine according to Dad. Dad said that he should have talked to me before I went outside to call my
boyfriend when I was upset. He brought up all the things they have done for me this year and the money I hadn't paid them back yet. Then he realised she had left without her phone and he went out to look for her. She is back and I tried calling and
texting my Dad to let him know that she had come home but he hasn't replied or come home.
My boyfriend knows and I don't know what he thinks of it all. I was supposed to stay here tomorrow but I don't know if that is a good or bad idea. My Mom is
still very angry so I am staying in my room. . . What a mess. I can't believe there was such a big deal over a photo frame. I think my Mom thinks it was just because of the money but that wasn't it.
Sorry to hear all that happened. What a mess. I hope things get worked out.
Thanks, Manda. Xx
And nearly all the time I feel misunderstood. And I think it's because I am that little bit more different from most people than the usual degree of variation of being different from one another. And sometimes, that can be very lonely.
I'm exactly the same K T. I wear a mask most of the time and it's draining. But I don't have the answer, just try to be content with who you feel you are deep down and please yourself without guilt.
Thanks, Penelope. I had actually written a poem about the feeling of wearing a mask and how draining it can be. It is at least some comfort to know that others bear the same burden.
I love that I can be honest and open about my feelings without judgement here. It is so nice to say something and not be (as) scared about how people will react to your darkest thoughts and to your lowest moments. . . And that they are supportive
through not only the downs, but also the ups. 😁
school. She maintained I had run two red lights. But it was just the one as far as I'm concerned. I think her main issue is this junction where there is no green arrow to turn right and no box for you to enter. If you don't move forward past the
green light and wait for the traffic coming against you to pass, you can end up sitting at the lights and it will turn red without you having gotten to move anywhere. It has happened to me before. This also blocks the traffic behind you if anyone
behind you wanted to move forward. .. So I maintain that I approach that junction in a sensible and safe way. I move forward past the stop line, after the light has gone green and then after the traffic has coming against me has past, I turn right.
Today I followed another car that did this. As I was turning, I noticed that the pedestrian crossing light was on so I let a lady and her children pass. I was a full car space away and then I moved on and joined the rest of the flow of traffic.
Nobody was hurt and there weren't even any near misses. That was today alone. I have since realised that I beeped and overtook that lady's car on the inside either yesterday or a previous day in the week at the same infamous junction. So I think
that that was her main issue. As for the other red light today, I hold my hands up, I ran a red light. . . I don't feel however, that her behaviour was appropriate. The punishment did not fit the crime. And she did not accept the fact that I am not
answerable to her about how I drive outside of the school . . . I understand that school children are around the school and parents are concerned for their safety but at the same time, if this was any other job. It would not be acceptable for
a member of the public to approach an employee in the carpark of their workplace.
that I fully intended on sorting it out and reimbursing him for the damage. He still made some kind of snarky comment and tried to pin me down for a date when I would know whether I was going to claim from my insurance or pay them in cash.
Then, the caretaker was a bit snide asking me to leave so he could lock up . . . even though it was 15 minutes early and I was packing up and he could see that as he came in to me. And a fellow teacher kept teasing me about being late for class
sometimes. He called me 'disorganised' and I was defending myself and said 'It's not for lack of trying.' and that I do be in late every night working on after school finishes . . . Actually that was the first thing that happened.
Phonecall to car guy = second and caretaker = third. Number 4 = I forgot to go to therapy today because I was ruminating so much about everything else. Of course I have to pay the no show fee which I don't really care about but I could really have
done with the session today. :( Number 5, my housemate Whatsapped me, then text me 4 minutes later (I didn't see these) and then knocked on my door to ask me to move my car so she could fit hers in the drive. When I responded saying I was making a
call, she still continued talking and interrupting, asking me to give her my keys so she could move my car. I replied and just said I couldn't come out just right then. . . I sent a text to the therapist to let her know I had forgotten about the
appointment (that was the call I had been trying to make but was getting no answer from the office) and proceeded to move the car. I noticed that the car park spaces just across from our two spots in front of the house (5 of us in house drive so
invariably 3 of us always have to avail of those spots) - so why the rush? Besides, I didn't appreciate how she continued to interrupt me when I had said I was making a phone call and demanded I tend to her needs immediately. Then when I had moved
moved the car and text her to say as much, she left it a while before she moved the car into the drive anyways. . . So, why the rush? . . . This is not the first time something like this happened with her. I think I need to lay down clearer
boundaries with her. She's probably my fav housemate but she can be very pushy at times.
Note to self: SI
So sorry to hear that. I also have days when it seems to me nothing goes well. But it's not your fault. Some other day, you could try to talk to your housemate.
interrogated about it. My mood earlier was much lower. Had some uplifting conversations with my housemate and phonecall with Dad and boyfriend so feeling a good deal better now. I dont' need this negativity in my life, though. I am not sure if this
is my forever school.
Just to clarify - the feeling fat and the conversation with parent were two completely separate issues! The parent did not comment on my weight at all, only about my 'teaching skills' as she put it.
That will happen at any school. People are cruel and hurtful out of selfishness and their own inability to parent. I guess you have to get used to it, which is really sad to say. It's more about that person than about you and your skills!
I know dealing with parents can be a nightmare for teachers. Just brush it off. Their opinions don't matter!
It came to light that another teacher who was helping me with behaviour management in the class had it out with the student and told the vice principal. The VP called in the child's mother for a meeting. . . So I got the brunt of the mother's
frustration about a complaint being made about the student's behaviour. . . Lucky me! :P
Thanks all for the support!