the birds as well. One female had duck had TEN ducklings. I couldn't get over how she had so many . . . unless female ducks share the parenting of their goslings? Who knows! Anyways, it was really nice to watch them. Treated myself to a Chinese after
Unfortunately, they couldn't provide plastic cutlery so I couldn't stay and eat by the lake as I had planned. Which meant I also missed out on the post-dinner walk too but I figured I can still go for a walk in my locality instead where it might be
less busy/risky anyways. :D Beautiful weather today. Also, I have been super productive over the last two days. I have done a lot of reflection/mental health work. I wrote a lot into my 'Coping/solutions notebook' (my own idea to focus on solutions
instead of always focusing on the negative - in my journal, in therapy etc. :) ) Anyways, I am writing down any epiphanies or important realisations I have. Recognising my triggers and any situations that are typically challenging for me and I am
planning possible suitable solutions ahead of time. That way when I'm emotionally dysregulated or when the panic has risen, it's just a matter of implementing the skill or solution, instead of trying to figure out what to do in that unfocused and
unstable state of mind. . . Yay for progress!! I also did some major reflection on what I like/dislike about secondary school teaching, what I want/need from a job/what elements are important to me in my dream/ideal job and thirdly what options I
can investigate/try out. :) Felt very empowering and calming to be focusing on options. I even, dare I say it, got very excited about some of the ideas. I am very aware of rushing into things, taking too much on and overwhelming myself again so
I am being careful to consider committment level, how demanding the job may be, job security, pay, typical hours and working conditions. Really thinking about it in depth to try and think of something that will suit and that I will be able to sustain
while I continue to focus on working on my mental health and mastering coping skills as my top priority. :D
Expecting the occupational health service to contact me soon regarding a date and time for my review appointment (to assess my medical fitness to teach). If I 'pass' the consultation, I will be allowed to 'resume teaching' but the cherry on top is
that there is really very little to do now as the teachers are winding down with the classes for the summer here anyways. This means that I could regain my status as being fit to teach, not use up all my sick leave quota (quota per four years) and
remain on full pay until the end of August. It will buy me time to finish my poetry book, finish working on a sosng to enter into a national songwriting competition (IF it goes ahead what with all this COVID business) and continue to focus on making
a habit of basic self care activities, while I give myself time to recalibrate, finally commit to spending time on and finishing some personal projects that are very important to me and readjust and release the repressed thoughts, emotions and ideas
that have remained unresolved and niggled at me like a thorn in my side for the past number of years. To let them all go. And then I will move on to try something new! :D Excited!!! :D
and ready to get some work done. 4 mainly because of neck pain and also slightly because of lack of ability to focus.
Deep breaths! One thing at a time. BF is at his school right now getting ready for everyone to get their crap out of their lockers & return school property.
saying that he loves me too. . . Got that mixed up actually. That was when I asked him if he wanted to have a phone call last night. This morning I just asked was everything OK after I saw the deleted message and he just replied to say that
everything was fine. I have really tried to distract myself. I did some dusting and hoovering, I watched Netflix but the anxiety is building a bit now. :( Also, it's getting to me that I can't meet up with friends or family/that I can't celebrate my
sister's news with her in person or tell my own friends in person. Starting to worry about my review assessment to check if I can 'go back to work', even though the school term is nearly over so there would be very little to do.
But it would mean that I wouldn't use up all my sick leave and that I would be fully paid until the end of the summer for doing very little. It would buy me some time to look for a new job for September or even to find and try out a different job and
see if I could make it work/if I could earn enough to pay my rent and manage the stress levels etc.
OK but he didn't see it or write back. I guess he fell back asleep or else he is still reflecting on what he needs to say. A lot of discomfort pain, bloating, distension. And my neck is also stiff and sore so now I have the window open for fresh air,
sitting up straight in bed with laptop on my knees, propped up by a couple of pillows and wearing my back/neck strap on heater to ease the pain in my neck somewhat. Going to watch Netflix or play online scrabble to distract myself while I wait for
everyone to get up, for my boyfriend to write back and to distract from the pain and discomfort I am feeling right now.
don't know where I stand with him, in relation to me really wanting to move in together. (We've been together for 13 months now, I'm 29, he's 30). He is not making a commitment to plan for it to happen and I feel like he just keeps fobbing me off wit
with generic responses, like 'Maybe', 'Yeah, that would be nice.' or 'Let's see how it goes.' I also recognise that he is a more cautious person than I am and that there is a lot of uncertainty right now about the economy and job security. And also
that I am in a very precarious financial and living situation myself. But I guess I just wanted him to care as much as I do, to want it as much and to be determined to make it work as soon as possible. He has far less to lose than I do. If it doesn't
work out, he can go back to live with his family. I have explained to him that that really isn't an option for me because all of my medical support is here (3 hours away from family home) and because there is a very clear pattern where if I stay with
my parents without my siblings around, it tends to be ok for a couple of days/4 or 5 days max. and then everything blows up, usually the 'arguments' are brought on by me not agreeing 100% with whatever advice my Mom is giving me and then she gets
angry and then Dad teams up with her by saying things like, 'You REFUSE to take out advice. Your Mom is nearly always right. We only want what's best for you.' and reminding me of all they have done for me and how unfair it is that I treat them this
way etc. They don't respect my right to privacy or my right to make my own decisions and they treat me like a child. They are used to me being dependent on them and to be honest, I don't think they like or intend for that to happen but they do try to
keep it that way. I have seen the patterns in the family dynamics for years now and it was only in the past 5 years or so that things were exacerbated by the start of Dad's battle with cancer. My siblings weren't really around and Mom and Dad got
used to taking their frustrations out on me and expecting me to be available at the drop of the hat to do whatever they wanted. They often would give conflicting instructions/messages to one another, ask me to get in the middle of fights sometimes,
gang up against me and say some really mean things, say that I was talking bull***, interfere with my counselling ('She's a fruitcake' and then organising for me to go to counselling with an acquaintance of my Dad) and basically just try to make me
feel guilty and 'put me in my place' when they felt it was necessary, barging into my bedroom even if I wasn't fully clothed and even pushing the door open through furniture I had out against it in case they came back to start a fight (the usual
pattern . . . Enough said. Anyways, I want my boyfriend to hear me - that that is not what I want anymore. That although I love my parents, me living with them would not be good for me. Or them. That we need some physical distance while we work on
our communication and while I continue to lay down my boundaries and redefine our relationship. I need this distance and time. It's my time. I gave so much to the family, I have tried so hard to please my parents and fulfil their needs for so long.
This is my time. And yes, the idea of moving in with my boyfriend, of prioritising each other that much feels nice and safe. To think that he would be the one to support me if it comes to it and I can't find a job to support myself. And I know that's
not fair to rush a commitment like that. But this is how I'm feeling. And we can't really help how we feel. We can acknowledge and accept it and try to change our perception but we can't stop the feelings from surfacing in the first place. I also
realise these feelings are exacerbated by the Covid restrictions and us not being able to see each other in person but I guess I just want him to acknowledge how much I sacrifice for our relationship and meet me half way or at least agree to setting
a goal date to move in. I just want to feel like he wants it as much as I do, not that he is hesitant. Those feelings just increase my feeling like I drain his emotional reservoir and like we are doomed for eventual break up because we won't make if
we try to live together. He keeps saying he thinks it will be fine. But I don't think he is being realistic about how different a dynamic it will be in the relationship if we do move in together. I fear that it might not work out if we do move in.
And I want to test that theory sooner rather than later because at this stage in my life, I want to be getting more serious, to start settling down, to plan a future together. Sooner rather than later. Whereas he just keeps saying 'maybe' and in the
future. Whereas I want him to say, 'Yeah my love let's make it happen!!'.. . Anyways, I told him all this. He said he doesn't really know what to say just yet. So I'm giving him some space. I did tell him I love him always after that. And he said he
loves me too. So I'm trying to keep the worries that he will decide to break up with me out of my mind.
Wow, sorry you are having to deal with that. It seems super stressful. I wish I had some advice. Hopefully he comes around to the idea soon.
that he is not ready to commit to planning to move in together in the next couple of months. I was disappointed and frustrated, though I was relieved that he was finally being honest with me. I think a part of me is frustrated at the situation - at
COVID-19, at the uncertainty of it all but mostly it is frustration at his lack of commitment, 'Maybe', 'A lot could change in 6 months.' - I don't want to hear that. I want a straight answer. I want him to want it as much as I do. I want him not to
be waiting on other things but to want it enough to start to make big moves to make it happen. He has much less to lose than I do. He says I could go back to live with my parents if things didn't work out for me. But I am trying to tell him, that
that really is not a good option for me. They are too controlling and we fall back into very codependent roles when I go back home, my parents more so than me and I just don't want that anymore. I can't handle the probing, the suggestions, the trying
to rule my life, the EXPECTATIONS of me dropping everything to help them whenever they want or need something. I don't want to go back to that life. So my stakes are much higher than he is. I don't have a safety net or a Plan B or something to fall
back on in terms of my financial/living situation. He does. Living with his Mom and two sisters. I really don't want (and for good reason) to live with my parents, my brother is not in a situation to support me, living with my sister is not an
option as there is bad blood between myself and her husband and I am pretty sure he has told her before that he doesn't want me around for more than staying the night when he is not in the house etc . . . So it feels like, the stakes are much higher
for me, yet he isn't even prepared to take a small risk of even just say, moving out of his family home. (Even when he has the fallback of going back) and I have kind of been waiting on him/putting off or adjusting my plans because our relationship
is quite a high priority for me. And this news just makes me realise that it is not half as much of a priority for him. Now, that said, I rule with my heart, he rules with his head. Maybe he has a point. He is more cautious than I am and maybe I am
just wanting him to be more decisive, more romantic, to make some big moves that shows me he cares about me and wants to build a future with me. But right now, it just feels like he is settling in a job he doesn't really like, living with his Mom and
2 sisters which he has gotten used to and is comfortable with and that he is not pushed about changing any of that to commit more to me/our relationship anytime soon. And that is disappointing and frustrating for me. Because it confirms my fears that
he doesn't care as much as I do. And because I have to let go of the cosy ideas I was having of us living together and starting to plan to save together to buy a house or something. And it feels like he doesn't really want that. Or that he just has
just has some vague sense of, 'That would be nice' at some point in the (when exactly) future? . . . Yeah that's it. Disappointed, frustrated, impatient. Juxtaposed with this sense that my sister is in the high-flying job, with the husband and the
house and a baby on the way. And she's only 4 years older than me. And my brother 2 years younger is in the high-flying job, living with his girlfriend, building a future. Meanwhile, I'm still the one that can't hold down the same job for more than a
year or the same man for more than a year either (longest relationship before current boyfriend was 6 months and nearly 13 months with current boyfriend at this stage). . . I had in my idea that my current boyfriend would be my safety net. That we
could just make a go for it and try things out and deal with it if it didn't work out financially for whatever reason. .. but he's not ready to take the risk and that makes me feel like he loves me less than I love him, or that he is less emotionally
invested in the relationship than I am. And then I wonder, well when WILL he be ready? Have I fallen for another guy who really likes me but who is too scared/uncomfortable with my intensity? Is this going nowhere? It doesn't really fit in with how I
imagined my life going. :( . . . . Maybe it's not fair to pressure him so much or to expect him to be at exactly the same place as I am.
Thanks all for the hugs!! X
Sounds good :)
This was me a few nights ago.
Take it easy today
so they do not discuss your results with you. They will pass the results on to my doctor and my doc will call me to tell me the diagnosis. Relieved that I have the ultrasound done and just trying to focus on resting and being kind to my body right
So happy you can get the medical care you need under these conditions! (:
Thank you, Lenny. 🙂
from 11am. Ultrasound at 5. Will go early to ensure I can get parking and that I am not nervous before the scan.
Hope it goes ok!
Thanks Manda, it was quite uncomfortable as she had to roll the ultrasound device over my abdomen and it was a bit painful at times and caused me to belch quite a bit which was very embarrassing. But good to have it done and to find out what's going
Hope you feel better soon!
intermittent problem for quite some time but it has really flared up right now. I am just waiting for the doctor's office to open so that I can call them.
I hope you'll be fine soon ❤️
Thanks for hugs and thanks for well wishes, Anna 🤗
also, feeling a bit nauseated which isn't helping.
Had some numbness and tingles, mainly in my hand earlier too
Urge to binge now.
Hang in there, KT. You can do it! And if you don't, no worries. Just shake it off. It'll be ok. 💞
I just binged for you. Homemade chocolate ginger cookies. I feel like death. Do not recommend. Keep going
Thanks Manda! And John - that made me laugh. I started to feel more and more physically unwell yesterday. It affected my sleep last night and I am feeling quite uncomfortable now. Gastro stuff. I have a feeling I know what it could be as it happened
before. Just waiting on the doctor's office to open.
I did end up eating sweets and one dark chocolate regular-sized bar last night and some biscuits. I am allergic to cocoa and to milk so I shouldn't really eat any chocolate but I have always seemed to be able to tolerate a certain amount of dark
chocolate. . . Anyways, I will be honest with the doc about my very poor eating habits of late as I do feel that is what has caused all this. But I need to do something to feel better. This is really quite bad now.
depressed and punishing myself, feeding the inner critic but it is also exhausting and hard to keep my focus so I am trying to pace myself, prioritise and keep my focus on one or two projects at a time. Hope all my fellow pandas are doing OK. xx
Great to hear that!!
Thanks all! 🤗
person in anyways. But I am nervous to make the trip in case I am stopped by the police. My housemate who is also a doctor, suggested he could write a letter advising that I need to go home for health reasons (as in for my mental health since I have
What I mean is that the counselling is over the phone, my bf and I are not seeing each other in person - so there is no physical reason for me to stay here, except the new enforcements which ban travel outside 2km unless it is for an 'essential'
reason, with the guidelines specifying a medical appointment, going to get groceries or to collect a meal or to care for a vulnerable realtive. I rang two COVID helplines - one for my local area and one for the health system but none of them could
give me a definitive answer that it was definitely OK to travel on those grounds. On the one hand, I know that my eating habits and personal hygiene are not very good at the moment. I am frustrated being the only one in the house that is not working
The others I share with are all either working from home or working in the hospital (2 doctors) or working AND studying for upcoming exams in the evening. And I am just playing online scrabble everyday or looking up videos about eating disorders and
borderline personality. Any activity I tend to do, I tend to kind of obsess on and now I have withdrawn a bit again from friends who have messaged just not answering back. It is because I don't feel like talking through my freelings but don't want to
dishonest either. I feel bad for leaving it for a couple of days, even one friend asked how I was and then asked again a couple of days later and I just didn't reply. . . I feel stuck in indecision about whether or not to travel to Galway.
You know,your situation is awful, maybe someone helps you,talk to people,to your boyfriend to your family.may be they give you good advice.i don't know hot line,or volunteers. Hold on.
Do you solve your problem?how are you there?
Where are you? And how far do you have to travel?
Do you know people along the route you can say are your start, or end point if you get stopped. And can your therapist write you the letter? (Just ideas.)
Thanks so much everyone for all the support. I was not expecting so much advice and support. ❤️
I stayed put as I was too nervous about being stopped by the police on the way, about potentially being asymptomatic and passing it on to my parents, about trying to quarantine for two weeks when I got there to make sure that wouldn't happen, about
Sorry I ran out of battey yesterday
Anyways, I was worried about those things, as well as possibly being stuck at the family home if I did go there and mostly being afraid of butting heads with my parents and having a big argument (which has been the pattern when I visit and my
siblings aren't there at the same time) . . .At first, the day after I regretted it but now I have dug myself out of the sinkhole and I am glad I did not go there. It wouldn't have solved anything. The physical factor of having more space in the
house and the garden and being in closer proximity to my parents wouldn't have cured what was going on internally and I needed to do that myself. I can only imagine that if I did go to Galway, we would hvae gotten on for a few days and there would
have been a difference of opinion (usually about 'advice' that I 'refuse to take', despite the fact that I am 29) and the inevitable concomittant blow-out argument. That's the usual pattern. Communication has been getting better the past couple of
months but it's still a work in progress. Old habits die hard.
Glad to hear it)
Thank you Ann! :)
These feelings are so tough!