the day has been tiring . my eyes aches and twitches when i blink them .feeling frustrated still . in the moment i want to sleep ,have another guitar practice session, fuc|<ing hit my head to the wall
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i'm really angry at my mom . she doesn't let me buy bottles nor does she let me teach kittens how to eat from a little bowl . she says that my auntie told her that not all the kittens survive. wtf mom

since when my auntie is the decision maker when it comes to who lives and who dies or who suffers or left behind

17 Apr 2020
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i'm really angry at my mom . she doesn't let me. it bottles nor does she let me teach kittens how to eat from a little bowl . she says that my auntie told her that not all the kittens survive. wtf mom
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feeling stressed and in the moment i can't identify the source of my stress . analysing it might help in the end but the process tires me . will try some mediation but i don't feel like it will work .
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today on of the kittens fell down to first floor from stairwell .and my mom freaked out and wanted me to left them in the wilds of our neighborhood.(to the middle of feral cats without a mom) .

i did. because she is ill and i don't want make her even more uncomfortable. then i told her that the cats would die there but where i left them was surrounded by walls and it was connected to a balcony like stair landing . so climbed up to the wall

16 Apr 2020

jumped between walls and climbed back with kittens as soon as i heard my mom saying “okay then take them back”

16 Apr 2020

then gave them water with a sponge because my mom doesn't let me and buy bottles and wants the mother cat to come back. there is still lockdown for people under 20 and i can ask my bigger sister to go out and buy but bc of my mom she can't go either

16 Apr 2020

Ethan hope everything gonna be all right. Is very nice,that you take care about these kittens.good luck to you.and you care about your mom.warm from your message.

16 Apr 2020
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a casual day.I had guitar practice a little ,talked to my best friend, had an exam. only two kittens left in our garage and i don't know if it was the mother who got them out or some other hunter cat
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i'm grateful for a life with people in it .with my mom,my childhood friend,my neighbors,even my crush who never loved me in a special way. im really grateful for support i'm getting here. i'm alive rn
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getting tired of being in quarantine with my sister . she always has been overly critical,agrresive,loud , rude and proud about it . but i'm have to coordinate with her bc we're taking care of my mom.

BIG HUGS ETHAN XXX

14 Apr 2020

thank you @Shelley H . you are so kind and thoughtful, i'm thankful dearly

14 Apr 2020
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downloaded a video game because i was feeling bored and then after two hours of gameplay i deleted it everywhere.because i should be focusing on studying not some dumb ***. disappointed about myself.
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feeling tense . because there is 4 kittens i'm supposed to take care of bc their mom left them two days ago .i'm about to lose my *** because there is lock down for people under 20 here

and i can't go out and buy feeding bottles or special new born milk . and they are getting less and less responsive to the outside world and i'm REALLY concerned

13 Apr 2020

thank goodness kittens' mom came back and hopefully now they won't starve anymore .

13 Apr 2020

but i already called the local animal shelter third times to make sure that they understand this is an emergency and the babies might die . what am i going to tell them when they come? ugh.

13 Apr 2020
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can't focus on anything at the moment . feeling very furious about nothing and here i'm basically crossed my arms if some tries to contact with me i will literally bite them

Eugh I feel you!! Just wanna scream 😤

12 Apr 2020
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couldn't attend to online classes today. i connected to class but left immediately. they will probably ask me why did i do that and i have no idea i had a strong impulse to do so .

then i spent all my day reading to When The Nitsche Wept. now i will read the last 40 pages .

12 Apr 2020
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i'm feeling numb . tasteless . not necessarily bad but not good either. i'm on the negative side of my nihilism and it's a dark and cold place to be .idk.i just hope tomorrow will be less weird .
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i'm feeling numb . tasteless . not necessarily bad but not good either. i'm on the negative side of my nihilism and it's a dark and cold place to be .idk.i just hope tomorrow will be less weird .
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everything is overly complicated. i'm feeling like i'm stuck in emptiness. nothing feels good nothing feels bad today .have to start studying again but i can focuse more that 5 seconds on anything.
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i was hoping to have a little time for my art project.after this long day of studying and after this year of non stop studying.but now i'm not feeling inspired anymore .everything i care about ...

seem to disappear so easily or nonexistental already.love, art ,hopefulness, little vacations where i'm eating ice cream with my old friends' dreams and everything .why can't i be happy even when there is no school which distracts me all day normally

07 Apr 2020
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i'm thinking about my friends. my three close friends ...they never text me first . maybe i'm a clingy person so they don't want to hang out with me but also don't care if i talk to them occasionally

btw it is official now :they actully don't care

10 Apr 2020
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texted to my friends yesterday,i think they are really sweet people. made a little home workout and had two home classes. feeling hopeful with no reason at all .i believe we all will get well soon.

That's nice Ethan xxx

06 Apr 2020

thank you for answering and being kind shelley <33

06 Apr 2020
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preparing pasta right now . my mom is feeling better.im feeling slightly less scared of everything because i'm finally having the rest i needed for months .tomorrow i will be able to work with sanity
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feeling guilty about not being productive. i should have been studied yesterday and i'm supposed to keep this body healthy with a great sleep schedule but here i'm watching unfunny vines at3am instead

I know the feeling. I'm also neglecting my body and not learning. Watching vine and tiktok compilations is too easy

02 Apr 2020
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