Watching total chick flick all weekends straight to fill my life with easy emotion. It's kinda working.
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Me and my therapist decided that reflexing is bad for me. Trying to cease life as it is. Not thinking. Well... good luck me.
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I'm not able to work because of some technical reasons for a week. Made myself to do a study project. It helped me not to feel empty as I did yesterday and the day before.
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I don't keep track lately because I feel so differently every day and I'm ashamed of that somehow. Like if I'll write about getting hope and 24h after about loosing life meaning - I'll be a hypocrite

It's not hypocrisy. It could be a mixed states episode or something else equally as valid

10 Feb 2021

I agree with John, it's totally valid. Some disorders are defined by rapid changes in mood and general outlook. You are not alone.

10 Feb 2021

Well, my disorder is defined by rather slow mood changes... And I'm more or less used to that. I know what helps me trough depressive episodes, I learned to let go and enjoy hypomania. But what's happening now is just confusing...

10 Feb 2021
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I'm feel like I'm on a terribly slow emotional rollercoaster. Today I'm going down, swirling in space.
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It turns out that if I have several small tasks or a task where I see progress, I don't think that life sucks(and I suck). Maybe research types of jobs are really not for me. I need easy dopamine😣
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Talked to a therapist. Allowed myself to work just to sort out yesterday's mess and then just rest. Took a walk in the park. Still disconnected from my feelings, but at least a little bit hopeful.
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How to hold on when you don't really care for anything anymore? I have half a mind to just go an quit. Other half tells me that it's just a phase, but I'm so tired of listening...

Listen to yourself instead

28 Jan 2021

I don't think that such thing as “myself” exists at the moment. I just have broken pieces of “me”. All of them want different things.

29 Jan 2021

I have often described myself in such a way, too. I was diagnosed with DID. Might help you a bit if you give it a Google. Stay strong.

29 Jan 2021

One therapist once thought so too. I spent a year on therapy trying to collect myself together. Now I think it's not a problem itself, just a symptom and a defence mechanism that keeps me functional. But it makes it harder to sort out my feelings..

29 Jan 2021

You're right, it does make it harder. For me it started to get a bit easier though once I accepted it. There are many parts of me that want different things. I can't please everyone all the time. And that's ok.

29 Jan 2021

It can be real tough at times, but also real beautiful. I try to think of it as the ability to have a deep, internal debate with different people. Having more than one perspective on things is useful.

29 Jan 2021

That does sound beautiful.. I'll think about it. Thank you, Max.

30 Jan 2021
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Nope, productivity at home still sucks. But at least I didn't hate myself for it.
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Productive working day! I hope I'll manage to keep this up tomorrow, even though I can go to office then.
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First working day without self hate for months! It's weird how different I feel I'm the office. Pity that it's only for two days a week.
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Weekends were okay. It seems that my problem is mainly in the work-related burning out. But today I did a couple of annoying things and feeling a little better.
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Better. Took just one pill of tranquilizer instead of two and almost didn't cry. Got approval on working from office. Couple of days a week, but still..I should stop going mad stuck at home.
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Trying to take one step at a time. This seems to got me through the day. But barely. I was crying for half of it.

pretty ***ty here too :(

13 Jan 2021

But tomorrow is only a day away :)

13 Jan 2021

Выбирайся потихоньку Ада,шаг за шагом ,я тоже постараюсь.спокойной ночи.

13 Jan 2021

Ann, спасибо) Тебе тоже удачи)

14 Jan 2021

Thanks everyone

14 Jan 2021
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I haven't felt THAT helpless for a while. My cognitive skills suck after holidays. Work problems are piling up and I can handle any single one of them. I just feel like I'm drowning.

Here for you. Hang in there.

12 Jan 2021

Thanks. It really helps

13 Jan 2021
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Almost kept my promise not to scroll social network feed. Well, it's hard to stop at once so I'll forgive myself for loss of 30 minutes. Can't say that I've been more productive. Less anxious, though.
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Last day of holidays, 01:00am. Don't want to go to sleep. Cause that'll mean that holidays are over. I had a great time for the past week. (Even though I struggle to find meaning in my life lately)

My new year's resolution is to be more present and stop filling every second of my life with meaningless information(like Reddit and TV-shows I watch for the 20-th time). I hope it'll help me with my nothing-matters feeling.

10 Jan 2021
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Had most wonderful New Year's Eve! Just the two of us cooking, dancing, watching and calling all of our friends around the world. And there is a whole holiday week ahead!

Happy NY,great💫🌲🎅

01 Jan 2021

С Новым годом, Аня🥳

01 Jan 2021

Алла мое настоящее имя,спасибо🥳

01 Jan 2021
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Went to my 4th cuddle party. It was nice. But I did have a strong feeling that I don't fit there. But another strong feeling tells me that it's all in my head and I'm just missing my meds🤪

How'd you all get vaccinated already?

31 Dec 2020
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Hard to concentrate on work. Apparently half of my mind is already on holidays. Just one day to hold on.
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