i think buspar is zapping my motivation . some people said that might go away after week three so i'm gonna wait it out and see . other than that doing alright . hope you're all well
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my mom basically said i graduated high school because of our “ family connections “ . not because of my work or anything . it sucks hearing it from other people but i didn't think she had thought that way too
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feeling restless , but also don't feel like doing anything . the bleh zone . not sure my upcoming trip home is a good idea , with covid flaring up again in certain areas
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trying really hard to combat self doubt and hatred . doing pretty alright . i think the buspar may be helping . taking a break from all the creative work going on to grab some food and take a shower . hope you're all well <3
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finally got my prescriptions !! taking vyvanse again and starting buspar . the buspar has me pretty jittery . feeling the physical symptoms of anxiety , but emotionally i'm good . it's like i chugged a coffee , really . have big plans for creative stuff today !! hopefully it goes well . i hope you're all doing good , and if not i hope things will get better soon . have a good day !!!
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doing alright ! not bad , not great . been off vyvanse for six (?) days now . i don't know what's going on with the pharmacy , but my refill is delayed for some reason ? i'm doing okay but it's a lot harder to stick to my routine and just kinda function all around . that's pretty much it . finally got around to making a mob farm , so that's cool ig . gonna eat some non dairy ice cream now
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not at my best because i've run out of vyvanse . there's a computer issue at walgreens so they can't progress doctor's refill stuff until sometime in the new week . it hasn't affected that much emotionally , but it's much harder to get up and do things . not much i can do about it , though . other than that , i'm in higher spirits :) gonna go cook something . hope you're all well !
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everytime i reach out to someone i feel guilty . i don't know why . i just feel stupid , or like i'm offending them just by checking in . i wish i could just know how to go about it ? i don't know what the etiquette is for contacting people , i never really have .

To be fair I'm not sure anyone really knows the proper etiquette - who's to say what's proper yknow ?

14 Jul 2021

true ! it's prob just the perception in my brain

15 Jul 2021
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pretty okay :) talked with two of my friends today . went alright . getting a bit less insecure and better at letting things go w / practice . the friend that talks to me the most ( a few times a week ) is going on a trip where they can't use their phone or anything for a month . it's a super cool opportunity and i'm glad they're doing it ! but i also am a bit ( admittedly selfishly ) worried

about falling behind in my routines . i think i'm doing well right now , but i'm stacked up like a deck of cards . i'm worried that removing something from the equation might topple me over again . but that's life and i need to at least try and

08 Jul 2021

adjust . changes in routine are just very difficult for me . and in all honestly the only time i really talk to anyone else is in a group call with them . i don't want to fall back into the full isolation i was in before . but !! i'll just have to

08 Jul 2021

deal with it

08 Jul 2021
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kinda sad ? but in an apathetic way . just eh . really want to order food . god i want mcdonald's so bad . but moneyyyy . but mcdonald'ssssss . mmmm . i am being very childish . possibly hangry . i could just go to bed . it's almost 2 am . but burger

i ordered it . i already hate myself might as well have some fries to ease the pain

07 Jul 2021
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haven't updated in a little bit but i'm doing good :) getting back to where i was i think . plus i'm doing skincare again ! gonna try and restart taking my supplements . walking regularly . want to figure out why i feel so awful after sharing any creative endeavors . i'll bring it up next session :) i hope you're all doing well !!
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okay maybe i am having a bad day . don't like myself rn . don't like anything . wish i would do more but still managing to do nothing . don't know what i want or even if i want anything on any level . trying to force myself to do self care and chores . sucks . i suck
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not having a bad day , but not having a great one either . my interests are waning again :/ & if i'm not invested in something i'm just kinda stuck in my head ?? nothing is exciting 2 me rn . just kinda dull . kinda sad i guess . i don't even know . wish i could describe it better but ?? i don't know . just sucks . it's sucky
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my therapist was on break last week and i slept through our appointment this week :/ i'm really disappointed in myself right now . our sessions help a lot and i was really looking forward to it , now i have to wait another week . ugghh . i'm gonna eat ice cream . good morning everyone
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feeling a bit better today :) doubled the steps today and it's goin alright . lot of new content to enjoy .
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uuugh i had an appointment today with the same person that did my testing last time and i asked my mom to call and say i was sick to postpone cause i wanted to get testing elsewhere and i wasn't sure if insurance would cover it but she told them that instead of me just being sick and now they're texting and calling me and it's so awkward 😭 my mom told them cause the receptionist has the same name

as my therapist so it was an honest mistake but that kind of screwed me over . i'm trying really hard not to be pissy about it cause again she didn't do it on purpose or anything , but now my anxiety is all flared up and it's driving me in circles

29 Jun 2021
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resisting late night doordash cravings :,) got taco bell at 3 am last night . i need to stop before i form a habit . but mcdonald's sounds so good right now . but i am unemployed . but the fries . but no money . but hungry . but
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i feel discouraged over things that haven't even happened . i really wish i wouldn't lock myself in such a miserable cycle of what if's . i fear embarrassment and rejection so much i let it ruin simple enjoyments and take over my life completely . i just wish i could let myself have fun . even if there's no one judging me , i'll be doing it myself . it's so tiring . i want to be happy but i never

allow myself to be

29 Jun 2021

Don't forbid yourself anything. This are temporary difficulties. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be what you want to be. I send my virtual hugs to you

29 Jun 2021

thank you lilit :)

29 Jun 2021
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a little off today . still not back to where i was before my mini spiral . i won't let that full stop me , though . i'll still get my steps in and take a shower . i should wash my face too . maybe clean up my eyebrows . all things considered i'm coping pretty well . although i do admit that one mild call with my dad affecting me this much doesn't bode well for the two week trip coming up

i'm not crumbling like i used to but i'm still pretty ,, delicate ? i guess

28 Jun 2021
Jamie K
  NEW

I feel you! I'm sorry you're having a rough time!! I am too and mine is also over a trip. A trip with my in-laws. I love them but there's been a lot of drama over there lately and I'm just not in a place to handle it. When's your trip?

28 Jun 2021

oh man i get that for sure . i'm sorry you're in a similar way . mine's the first two weeks of august . i've got another month to really solidify my coping skills , but it's taken me a super long time to get here so i'm worried about losing progress

28 Jun 2021

i hope your trip goes smoothly . never really met anyone's parents before but i've heard it's crazy stressful . take care of yourself <3

28 Jun 2021
Jamie K
  NEW

Thank you! Good luck with yours too! I am at a low point and am super nervous too. I totally get that! When I feelI'm not meeting anyone. My hubby and I have been together for 20 years (we met as teenagers).

28 Jun 2021
Jamie K
  NEW

Sorry! Accidentally sent it too soon! When I'm feeling better I feel so vulnerable for awhile. I totally get that worry. Is your dad really difficult to deal with or is it going away in itself?

28 Jun 2021

aw :) that's really sweet ( u and ur husband ) my dad and i have a pretty complicated relationship . i know that he loves me but i don't think he likes me . my self esteem is really all over the place and i think our relationship is part of the

28 Jun 2021

reason why . my therapist has been telling me to just separate myself from stressful situations . sit in the bathroom for a bit , put headphones in , etc . i really recommend doing that when things get overwhelming with others if you're able

28 Jun 2021

if not engaging is an option , i say take it . i know people and families can be complicated , though . just take it easy and be kind to yourself :) we got this !!

28 Jun 2021
Jamie K
  NEW

Can you get out of the trip

29 Jun 2021
Jamie K
  NEW

Sorry! Sent too soon again! Or make it shorter? I think you said it was two weeks? That's a long time to spend with someone who is a trigger for you! And thank you! That's a good idea!

29 Jun 2021
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