Full of hate most of the time. Got sick with cold or some sh*t, that's what I need right now, yeah. Started looking for a new job tho, it's gonna be tough but things have to change. Or else.

Hope u get better soon x and your right things do have to change and it will be tough but in the long run I think the new job will help u a lot.

13 Apr 2021

Try and pretend that it will be a great job with amazing sociable colleagues so that way when u do get it u will go in feeling positive and not expect the worst. I know it's bad to pretend stuff that aren't real but it might feel good in the moment

13 Apr 2021

And sorta help de-stress u. I know what I said sounds like sh*t but Yh if u try it let me know x

13 Apr 2021
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This russian covid vaccine is still killing me (literally) and I actually don't mind.
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kinda gave up i'm trying to change things but i'm tired feeling ugly feeling empty and hurt also can't move my hand after vaccination shot that is all just fcking great why bother anymore

can't think straight or write when i'm like this, sorry for the mess.

05 Apr 2021

No don't be sorry it's not ur fault and it's also not a mess. U will be able to write soon don't worry and don't give up. Tell that voice in ur head that's saying ur ugly to shut up. Keep on trying we're all here to support u. One step at a time.

05 Apr 2021

Z, thank you for your support, it means a lot

05 Apr 2021

and for all your hugs too, thank you

05 Apr 2021
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Blood test in not good. Also I don't have much antibodies left so I can get covid again. Work is ***. I don't have any friends left, any plans for friday, any plans for weekend, any plans at all.

I don't know how I got to this point and I don't have any hope left in me.

02 Apr 2021

Everyone has someone they can go after work. Especially on Friday. Sat at the empty office till 8pm and cried.

02 Apr 2021

The history repeats itself, I have trouble making new friends and keeping them when I got some. Something's deeply wrong with me.

02 Apr 2021

It's alright friends come and go not all of them stick around forever. It can be their fault too not just urs because they don't understand how ur life is and what u go through every day.

02 Apr 2021

How abt u ask one of ur colleagues then on a Friday after work what their plans are and ask if they would mind if u join them or go out and socialise a bit more maybe at a coffee shop or something.

02 Apr 2021

Stay positive. Hopefully u won't get covid again 🤞. Have some faith in urself. Ur an amazing person I'm sure everyone would love to be ur friend and u just need to open up more in front of ur work mates so they can realise that.

02 Apr 2021

I don't have any workmates left, everyone I knew and spent time with were laid off during pandemic year, and now I have so much work that I fail people around and they hate me.Also the company f*caked up and I will be working for free for at least a

02 Apr 2021

month

02 Apr 2021

didn't correct all the typos because this app is definitely haven't been seen by ux designer

02 Apr 2021

Yeah, well, maybe I will die soon with all these bad results with medical tests, so there will be one problem less in the world.

02 Apr 2021

Thats sad but u can still go out with them even if they're not ur colleagues anymore or make new friends instead of sticking with the old ones. It will give u a chance to get a fresh start and u might feel better.

02 Apr 2021

Who knows ur job might get better the company have messed up but then again everyone makes mistakes right? Or if u want maybe u can look for another job for temporary or permanent if u want that can give u pay.

02 Apr 2021

:( no please don't say that ur not a problem to the world and I'm sure a lot of people in ur life like ur family or everyone who u are surrounded by does care and wouldn't want u to die. I wouldn't. Hopefully the results will get better eventually by

02 Apr 2021

Medication they can give u. Try to stay positive there is still some hope down there xx

02 Apr 2021
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Woke up early for trip to the hospital, they need to do some test to figure out what is causing anemia. There is thick layer of snow outside and it's not even April Fool's day anymore, so wtf.
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time to look for a new job, company is broke more than i thought; also had a panic attack at the subway and almost cried at work but i made it through today; started smoking again and angry with mysel

Hope u feel better x try and read some more books to help calm urself

01 Apr 2021

Don't be angry with urself it's not ur fault in any way. Ur so brave that you still made it through the day even though it was so tough for u. It's ok to struggle and to let it out and just cry. I'd say u did amazing and so would many other people!

01 Apr 2021

Hey , never a bad day to start working on your profile. Start putting efforts to find new job. Crying is ok, it will make you feel lighter. Sometimes okqy to get angry on self, now move forward and try not to depend on temp reliefs like smoking..

01 Apr 2021

Zainab, thanks you my friend, you're right, I shouldn't scold myself so much. problem with crying is that if I start, it may never end oh well xx

01 Apr 2021

Take as much time as you need. When you cry it releases endorphins which makes you feel better afterwards. If crying is what will make you feel more calm and better even if it's just for a short time then I would say let ur feelings out.

01 Apr 2021

Holding it in continuously and pushing down the pain just makes it so much harder to deal with and no one deserves to go through that pain. :( eventually it will become too much for u and you might start to smoke whenever u feel stressed

01 Apr 2021

Which in turn will make u feel guilty again as you mentioned before. That cycle will just keep on repeating then and no good will come of it.

01 Apr 2021

S K, hey, i will try not to create this bad habit again, but now i'm too weak to tell myself no :( You totally right about new job! I'll update my CV on the weekend and will publish it when it's time, when I feel i'm 100% ready to move forward. Ty!

01 Apr 2021

Z, you're so right, that's exactly how it works, i guess tomorrow i will let it out because feeling pain and starting cycle of addiction again is not what i need right now :(

01 Apr 2021

How come not today?

01 Apr 2021

i kind of did it like five minutes ago after reading your last post to be honest :( this world is too cruel

01 Apr 2021

Оля,наверно когда мы настраиваем себя позитивнои думаем о хорошем в будущем так все и случается.найдешь работу лучше,появятся новые друзья,все образуется.мы просто накручиваем себя очень сильно.дай себе время.всегда с тобой землячка,удачи!

01 Apr 2021

Oh ok well I hope it made u feel at least a tiny bit better if not fully. Maybe tomorrow might be better hopefully

01 Apr 2021

Z, maybe a little. xx

01 Apr 2021

Ann, да, я всегда накручиваю себя сильно, это моя большая проблема :( буду просить вселенную о новой классной работе, а там всё само придёт дальше. Спасибо!

01 Apr 2021

A little bit of improvement in ur day is still huge in the long run. Just imagine if ur day keeps on getting better by just a little every day that will add up at the end of the year.

01 Apr 2021

Tomorrow u said u might feel a little bit better and compared to maybe a year ago or something every day might've been the same to u. This shows that there's still hope in that 'little bit' stay positive

01 Apr 2021

yeah, it's kind of why i try to write things down sometimes — to compare with present after and to feel hope. damn you're wise, i wish i was that wise when i was younger

01 Apr 2021

Yh that's a rlly good thing to do. lol I wish. I'm the opposite of wise ;-P

01 Apr 2021

so not true :)

01 Apr 2021
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nervous on my commute to work, do i look okay? will i remember how to socialize? after a year of pandemic and all. taylor swift's folklore album calms me down a little, somehow i can relate to lyrics

evermore is good too, especially the song called champagne problems; i'm so glad she swears now in her music

01 Apr 2021

Yh I like her new songs as well. They're so calm.

01 Apr 2021
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tired, don't feel a thing but got to keep my sh*t together because tomorrow i have to work from the office first time since covid started in march 2020. hope i won't start smoking again

Good luck try to do something to get ur mind off it that way u won't stress too much

31 Mar 2021

of work or smoking? smoking is actually good way to get my mind off from work :( i'm trapped!

31 Mar 2021

Of work. I think smoking may help u to take ur mind of from work but then you will just keep on relying on those cigarettes and get addicted. You could get seriously ill so maybe try and find other ways to take ur mind off ir

31 Mar 2021

*it

31 Mar 2021

Like if u like walking or colouring stuff. Maybe watching a tv show u like or a movie. Go out with ur friends or do shopping if u like that

31 Mar 2021

Whatever makes u feel at comfort and ease

31 Mar 2021

+ it's not like ur smoking continuously 24/7 for the whole of today so that means it will only take ur mind of work for a small period of time right? do something that can last long

31 Mar 2021

makes sense. tv-shows are my choice but i can't do that now cause i'll be at the office and there's people who won't like that i'm watching the wire instead of work :( i'll try mini walks, there's a lot of places nearby the building like starbucks

31 Mar 2021

Yh that's good u can get some fresh air then. Who cares what they think. F**k them but I mean if it will be uncomfortable at work if u do that then watch tv shows at home whenever u can in ur spare time to help u relax and cope

31 Mar 2021

that's the only thing i do when i'm at home, that or reading :)

31 Mar 2021

Great then that's rlly good:) reading is amazing I think u should carry on because it might help keep ur thoughts positive and expand ur imagination

31 Mar 2021

What's ur favourite genre?

31 Mar 2021

i like watching/reading the stuff i can relate too, so it's something depressive (but it helps me not to feel alone!) or some sh*t like who killed this girl let's find this serial killer on the loose haha ooor scary stuff, it shuts me off good

31 Mar 2021

Yesssssssss sameeeeeee I love stuff like that too. I'm happy that it helps u . Keep on doing it xx

31 Mar 2021

when i couldn't watch any tv because of my massive headache which i had for weeks and still do but not that intense i read some intense books like carrie (steven king) and rosemary's baby

31 Mar 2021

hell yeah! xx

31 Mar 2021

Yh I understand how u feel. I haven't read those books but I will now I mean if I've read them they must be good :) keep on reading to feel good.

31 Mar 2021

I've heard writing things down abt what u think abt urself can be good too so u can continuously tell urself that ur worth it and start to enjoy the little things in life

31 Mar 2021

i write a little. about how i feel and what i think at the moments of pain. it helps to reread it after because it gives you perspective that you felt like that won't ever end and it eventually did and your thoughts was twisted because you were sick

31 Mar 2021

***, my english is bad

31 Mar 2021

No it's rlly good

31 Mar 2021

I understand what ur saying but when I re-read after what I wrote in those times it just makes me feel like that again in a way. Like Yh I was sick then but I'm still sorta sick in a way. I'm just trying to make it look like I'm happy in front of

31 Mar 2021

Everyone so I can try and feel like I'm happy. Try and feel like I'm okay and pretend that everything's fine but it's not

31 Mar 2021

i pretend at work and it's exhausting, i pretended for years with my parents until the sui-cide thought first came then i just stopped because why bother, i didn't care more and that's when the sh*tstorm with advices like go to church began of cours

31 Mar 2021

but eventually at least dad started to understand that i'm not okay and it's real and it's serious. mum is still blind. but i know you have your struggles with family and it sounds like it worse :(

31 Mar 2021

my first depression was when i was 16 (as my doctor said me recently), and no one ever noticed they just thought that it's like period and it will pass :( hell even i wasn't aware of that, i thought i just broken

31 Mar 2021

period is not like period that girls have, period like a time frame (just in case it lost in translation) sorry

31 Mar 2021

Omg that sounds sooo bad I'm so sorry I went thru that all and the response u got from ur parents first must've rlly hurt. I can relate because that how mine responded as well.

31 Mar 2021

Yh it's understandable u felt so broken and it hurts because if people would've known I mean if u had this app before and if I would've known u I would've told u to reach out as well

31 Mar 2021

yeah, that wasn't helpful at all, but i guess it's painful for parents because they start to think like what you're going through is somehow their fault because they failed somewhere in their parenthood

31 Mar 2021

Yh that's so true. No one does ever notice and it just makes it worse if they say that ur on ur period (mostly boys say that) and it just pisses u off like mate u don't know all the sh**t that happens u don't know the pain.

31 Mar 2021

it's not an excuse for them, not at all, it's just how their brain might work

31 Mar 2021

It's like periods but 1million times worse because u can't stop the feelings and it won't go away.

31 Mar 2021

True I just think sometimes they should stop and think before they say something and try and put themselves in our shoes or cast their mind back to when they were a child and just think like how little words can affect so much or if they're parents

31 Mar 2021

Said those things to them like 'go church' or any other place or pray to god then don't do it to us like surely u should understand then

31 Mar 2021

But Yh overall I'm just sad for u, for me for people out there who have experienced those reactions from parents and I know it's how their brain might work but I guess I'm just feeling upset and angry sorry if my words came across as rude

31 Mar 2021

it's almost 2am *** i think i'll save you from my advices for at least next 10 hours, try that thing with cold water, it saved me some skin untouched (for my future tattoos haha) xx

31 Mar 2021

no it's what i still feel too towards my mother, she still says sh*t like that, she's really stubborn

31 Mar 2021

Ok lol Yh I want future tattoos as well

31 Mar 2021

So is mine :/ :(

31 Mar 2021

Good night have a nice day at work tomorrow x

31 Mar 2021
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Yes, my mood is green today (that's a first in months). I think I finally got a good therapist, she teaches me things from DBT, it needs practice and i'm ready to try, need to do a lot of reading tho.

haha, you'll get to green, i promise!

31 Mar 2021
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I have therapy session tomorrow but I still can't understand all that “acceptance of your emotions” and “being in present” from DBT practice, feeling stupid and broken. But I've stopped cutting myself

Congratulations that's a huge accomplishment

29 Mar 2021
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well *** :)

29 Mar 2021

heeeey wtf, okay i'll use * i guess

29 Mar 2021

Lol yessss *** it all

29 Mar 2021

hahaha oh god

29 Mar 2021

Oh lol I just realised It didn't even show up I typed it in full form as well

29 Mar 2021
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Made some decisions i should stick to: I won't work more that 8h anymore, I will be having a meal during a day, I will have my evenings back, I will shut off work chats when I'm done. Had enough BS.

I'm done doing work for several ppl at the same time and getting nothing in return. I'm done brent yelled one by some stupid account

29 Mar 2021

*being

29 Mar 2021

I'm done with not getting a promotion I deserve and being in debt because they fcked up with my pay. My health is number one priority from now on.

29 Mar 2021

Yes it is the most important thing hang in there x

29 Mar 2021
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bad day for me, feeling hopeless and wronged by so many - my only best friend left me struggling alone with illness, i have no money cause of new law about pay for sick leave, by company i work for…

i need to change a lot of it, let go of of this one sided friendship, even though i'll have no one in this city, talk to my boss and maybe leave the job if he won't understand because now it's only making my health much much worse

28 Mar 2021

but i barely making through the day. today i thought about dying and realized i'm not scared of it anymore but i won't do it to myself because my parents won't survive this, especially my dad, the only person in the world who really loves me and care

28 Mar 2021

i'm crying again. when does the pain stop? will it ever stop?

28 Mar 2021
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been reading about pills I've been taking to cure the depression and realized that half of them counts as drugs in most countries and forbidden.. that explains a lot about that *** that's happening

So sorry to read that :(. I hope you will find better treatments.

28 Mar 2021

thank you, Lili

29 Mar 2021

Maladaptive, I know but I literally took drugs and doctor knew that, he did say be careful with that one but hell it was addictive and i was vulnerable. that's some twisted sh*t

29 Mar 2021

and I wish I had an option not to take antidepressants at all but I don't have that option, it's either pills or i'm umm end up dead :(

29 Mar 2021

I hope u don't end up dead :( xx

29 Mar 2021

Why would they burn holes in ur brain? I hope u feel better and maybe there will be good left in the future xx right now it's understandable to think there's nothing good left but I'm sure there is and you maybe with help can realise that u shouldn't

29 Mar 2021

Die anyways... I think loads of people would care. I would for u xx

29 Mar 2021

I have a friend from uk who always jokes that lobotomy is his last chance, he did ECT for a while and it was scary but eventually he got better

29 Mar 2021

Zainab, thank you, it means a lot to me <3

29 Mar 2021

Yh that is scary I'm glad he's better :)

29 Mar 2021

Oh ok that makes sense

29 Mar 2021
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been at cardiologist today, i have anemia.. don't know what causing it yet, have to do blood samples. crying in my bedroom because i have a lot on my plate already and i just can't take more, i can't

i'm pretty sure it's all from taking all those antidepressants on and off for 7 years, i took hardcore stuff with brutal side effects so now i'm paying for it, i knew i will someday in the future when i'll be old, but not now

27 Mar 2021

Maladaptive, depends on antidepressants, all side effects are generally in instruction to pills from mild stuff to hardcore like parkinson's.. it's kind of russian roulette in a sense which ones effects you'll encounter

28 Mar 2021

but they mostly gone after you stop taking them but it could leave a mark on physical health and you need to do a checkups with doctors, psychiatrist should know which pills leave a mark on what exactly.. so you can keep it checked for any anomalies

28 Mar 2021

but there's one more thing which concern me most — I stopped taking antidepressants two months ago and i still have withdrawal syndrome, it's been hell for me both physically and mentally, i don't want to scare you, it's rare

28 Mar 2021

and if you have depression or thoughts about hurting yourself you SHOULD take meds, there's no other way sadly, it's the point when only doing therapy or doing nothing at all won't help, and the help is what you need in this moments

28 Mar 2021

so do what doctor says, he knows better, but be careful with your health, do a check ups if doc prescribes something heavy, trust me on this one. I hope everything will be good! meds can do magical things on you too ⚡️

28 Mar 2021

I took a lot of stuff from prozac and zoloft to clomipramine (anafranil is the brand name), and the latest one is a fcker, ask for anything but not that. i did take phenazepam as well, it's quick relief of any mental pain but addictive too

28 Mar 2021

and i just

28 Mar 2021

and i just learned it's banned in USA (you're from there right?) and classifieds drugs, so you're safe here

28 Mar 2021

sad to hear it, when they prescribe you something you can write me and we'll do some research together if you want

29 Mar 2021

well, diagnose is a though one with this things, it takes years of observation.. my latest diagnose is borderline personality disorder but it's not cut in stone yet so yeah, it's hard and take years sometimes:(

29 Mar 2021

if you can function without pills

29 Mar 2021

then don't take them, but if not it's worth a try i think.. sorry to hear about your siblings :( but i hope they understand what you're going through and support you, cause it's pretty sad when no one around even believes in mental health problems

29 Mar 2021

hey if there's still good days then you may be out of the woods with only just therapy :)

29 Mar 2021

mood 4 is not bad :) but we can do better, i know

29 Mar 2021
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when i'm sick i think everybody hates me. well, maybe someone does, but the point is that we can't see things clearly at this point and mostly ppl just don't care. But my hate is real at this mmnts:(
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been outside after working all day at home and well, it's spring, baby! today was a little bit easier, i think it's new meds saying hi, but work stuff is still painful, i need to change things
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first day at work after 2 weeks.. it was horrible. headache is back and big and i cried a lot cause i can't take toxic ad agency stress anymore.. i need to change things when (if?) i get better

it's always about the money.. i should quit with all that's happening at work, but i can't now. being sick is expensive, it's like catch 22

24 Mar 2021

Ольга,надеюсь все наладится.держись,в депрессии ,конечно хоть за воздух,но держись.трудно и очень тяжело все это.удачи тебе.всегда с тобой на связи здесь.❤

25 Mar 2021

Ann, спасибо большое, так приятно встретить

25 Mar 2021

тут слова поддержки на родном языке. 💕

25 Mar 2021
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In a week I'll be working at the office again, it's been a year.. At first i was glad, but now i thing my doctor maybe right, she was concerned I have no resources for that right now.
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New meds made me sleep half a day, how am I supposed to work with that stuff? But i'm feeling a little better. But still alone without friends I scared off with my illness. Or maybe they were fake?
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