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  1445 days
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January
MTWTFSS
 1(9) Happy New Year to all my Panda pals, old & new. My word for the year is BELIEVE because in 2018 I found that dreams can come true, prayers can be answered and good things do come to those who wait ?
(9) It's peaceful and there is a lot to take stock of.
(8) Going to get a notebook (only 300 to choose from I think) and start writing out my thoughts because I don't seem to do much yet I know I do. I hope that getting it out of my head might clear my mind?
2(7) Yesterday an old friend reached out to me after about two years of no contact. I seem to be getting these people back into my life for some reason. Work was crp but that goes without saying.3(6) There's always something I just can't pinpoint. But it's here.4(4) Not feeling so well, don't want to do chores. Missing M but can't contact him because worried I've freaked him out. It's gloomy again so art and craft is unlikely. Ugh.
(7) A day where I've actually not regretted not doing anything much at all. Sometimes it's okay to switch off and recharge. Hurrah for sofas! ?
5(5) Wish I could get motivated to sort out my focus for 2019. Five days gone already and I feel like chances are slipping me by. Plus I don't really want to join WhatsApp, I'm 48 ffs. Annoyed.6(8) Maybe I'm stupid but I didn't know I could video call my love on WhatsApp and see him drinking wine and watching shows about corpses! Who knew ???
(9) M coming over later so today is a good day.
7(9) Sooooo happy and content and secure in love.8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons
14(5) Today has been difficult for me. It was lovely to be out with M but he has a lot of worry and family stress so it didn't feel as fun as before. I'm also quite stressed with work and a social event...
(4) Work the usual but not horrendous. Feel like I have to email M with a few thoughts from yesterday. Okay, I don't have to but I need to get a few things out of my system.
15(4) He's gone quiet. Guessed he would. He doesn't like me doing the lovey dovey thing. Going to bed to read.16(3) My colleague does my head in. Taking my work and medalling. Asking me to check her work then criticising the way I work stuff out and telling me what I do and don't need to check.
(3) I can feel my mood slipping and I want to withdraw. Dreading the party Friday night. Fed up with everyone at work. Even M isn't very attentive. I just want to hide away for a long time.
17(3) Received a risk of redundancy letter today so having the time of my life. Be careful what you wish for is the lesson.
(3) Sometimes it gets overwhelming and exhausting to go through everything on your own, make the decisions, deal with problems, cope without support. Only if you're alone will you get this.
18(4) Don't really want to go walking but I suppose I should.
(8) Went out walking with M today. I should have gone to a reunion party tonight but I stayed for tea at M's. If I'm honest with myself, he's the only one of those ex colleagues I actually want to be with
19(3) Trying to see if I can survive financially on even less hours than my current 28pw. The answer is not really & definitely not happily unless I can enjoy eating cereal every meal like I did in the 90s.20(4) It's that not knowing who I am or what I want or what I'm doing here time again. Welcome back ?
(6) Hoping that M will come round later. Don't know what I'm going to do for tea. Just looking forward to Les Miserables and cuddles, don't need more than that.
21(4) Difficult times at work, we are having to come up with strategies and promotion ideas but I am just a humble payroll officer. M is being there for me in his unique way.22(3) Every time I reach out I just get ignored. That's how it's been my whole life so I should be used to it. I feel the tears pricking my eyes. Always an afterthought, never higher than 2nd place.23(4) Office meeting tomorrow to tell us we're all heading up crappy creek. It's like that to me now so why should I care. Soon I will be skint and miserable instead of just miserable.24(2) Bad day at work. I know I'm going to lose my job but applying and starting somewhere new is just a horrendous prospect for someone as anxious and useless as me. I am not professional in any way.25No Reasons26(6) Gave in and went for walk with M yesterday. It was a lovely day but very muddy. It was ok. Glad I went as I need to stop pushing him away when I'm down. I should always be thankful I got him back.
(5) Bit achey from yesterday. Must do some chores before lunch. Not even dressed yet. Want to get back into art and journaling things this aft rather than slide into another weekend of inactivity.
(6) Well I haven't done any crafty stuff and it's gloomy now. Might still do something after tea. Got all the chores done that I'd planned and even mopped the floors. Pizza and Grantchester soon ?
27(4) 3am wake up so having a cup of tea as really thirsty. I see M later. I should be happy.
(4) Second day in a row I've had nightmares. Yesterday it was a hacker, today a colleague death. Don't know where these are coming from. Well, my disturbed brain obviously.
28(9) Happy after spending an evening with M, even though horrid work looms. I adore him more than ever and when he touches me I'm on fire. I hope this feeling never ends ?
(3) Work horrendous. Didn't speak. Slightly better now home and fed. Booked table for next Thursday. We are off to the theatre and then M is treating me to dinner. Something to look forward to.
(5) Looking back on my gratitude journal from 2017 when I had work stress. Although all else was ok & I was in a long distance relationship my mood ratings were only 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s at best.
29No Reasons30(4) Met a friend for tea. She is not doing well and is signed off due to work stress. What a pair we are. I'm not as bad but I could see myself heading that way f I didn't have M in my life.31(3) Left work early as I've got a headache. It's so cold in that office. Kind of feel a bit hopeless and directionless. At least that stress is over for another week. Only three days to do until my leave.
(2) Landlady on phone for half an hour with all her family woes. Then she casually asks if she has to sell the house would I be able to buy it? Is someone filming my life for a prank show? Ffs.
February
MTWTFSS
    1(7) M coming over and we are going to see Stan and Ollie. It is cold and snowy and first day of lady things but I am going along with it because I love to see him.2(8) Awake for second time tonight, it's nearly half 4 am. I had a great time yesterday and in love with M even more. I really am so lucky.
(8) Weird how some days I feel so hopeless & alone & then others the sun shines a little bit & I can see things aren't all bad. Hold on to that tiny thread of hope & it will be enough to pull you through.
(8) Journaling finally! Only one day late setting up Feb in my bujo. Feeling ok even tho colleague rang and brought up all stressful subjects again. Just dreaming about M and colouring ?
3(9) Just over six months (27 weeks if we were counting) of seeing M again and I am amazed at how my feelings just get stronger not lessen. Beyond grateful to have got him back.
(2)
4(1) I was sad last night. I saw a text on M's phone from his ex wife. I know there's nothing going on but women texting the man I love brings up my insecurity cos of my ex. Still sad today, keep crying.5(2) I wish I didn't share so much with my friends, I need advice about M but nobody understands my situation so it's pointless. Sometimes I need to let it all out but I'm probably best off shutting up.6(2) Finished work now until the 18th but I don't feel any joy. Everything is shifting, job, home, man, health. I sit here the same every evening just sad and alone staring into space, nothingness.7(1) Today is the day we go to the theatre and then out for a fancy dinner. I wish today wasn't happening. I'm so enormously sad and disappointed in him that I don't know if I can fake it anymore.
(6) I enjoyed today but was that just down to the play and the dinner rather than being with M. I love him so much, it is extremely painful for me to break away.
8(4) Awake at 5, still awake at 6. Sleep back up to its usual tricks. Headache. Going over stuff. M, work, family, money, no confidence, lack of self belief, my insecurities, thinking, thinking, thinking.
(4) I suppose I should get ready for meeting a friend for coffee. Would rather not but she cancelled last week. My state of mind is not improved even though yesterday was pleasant.
(3) Met friends which was ok. They mentioned M as we all used to work together but I had to pretend I didn't know what he is up to now. Got wet. Still got headache. Have to do some work from home now.
(3) Worked from home for 40 minutes but I won't claim that back because that's how I am. Soft. Now what? Head still hurts, probably stress. Don't know what to do next but stare into space.
9(4) Sent M a message to take care out in the wind. This is the thing, I care deeply but with him it doesn't even register. Wasting my time and I hate that.
(3) Was so hopeful for 2019 and on the eve of my birthday probably feeling as down as I've been in a long time. I have so much to be grateful for but yet so much is wrong.
(2) Haven't heard from M all day so no plans made for tomorrow. Hopefully he may just leave me alone to start getting over him but I guess I won't be that lucky.
10No Reasons
11(7) Just when I'm ready to quit M surprises me with thoughtfulness and care. Flowers and chocolates delivered, present I wanted, took me to the coast, cake with candles...
(6) Yay, off work this week. Hopefully I won't waste the days away. I want to read and do arty stuff and enjoy the peace. Slight headache. Please don't let me procrastinate.
(5) Half wasted the day but I ate biscuits and had a nap so I can't beat myself up about it.
12(5) Going out for lunch with my friend who is off work with stress and depression. Bless her, I hope I can help in a tiny way. I'm taking her a slice of my birthday cake for a start ?
(4) My former mother just rang me to give me more abuse. I have done nothing to her or my brother but allegedly I've made some nasty comments in the past. I hope they stay happy.
13(3) 14(8) Spent the afternoon walking with M. We talk as if we're in a relationship & will live together. Plucking up courage to confront this. I can see my future is with him & I'm sure he feels the same.
(8) Another walk with M today around my home village. That's twice in two days he's alluded to us being married. The man is a lunatic and I'm becoming blasé about it now.
15(9) Another day, another ramble with M. This time we will have waterfalls and a castle. There's nothing I'd rather do in all the world than spend the day in the English countryside with him.
(6) I kind of need to come to terms with the fact that this “relationship” will not progress any further. Yet he talks of living together, going on holiday together, being married.
16(4) I'm not often right in much. Actually I feel like I'm useless. Do not know why anyone bothers with me especially M. Well, not many people want to that is clear. Should be on my own.17(3)
(5) Got a few chores to do this morning. Can't believe I'm back to work tomorrow. It's gone way too fast and now I'm down ?
(4) M coming round later. Not really in the mood.
18(8) M came round for tea and we had a walk and some giggles and he was cute and I loved it. No funny business just a cuddle and feeling of contentment. I shouldn't need any more.
(3) Work is horrid. Mother rang as if nothing ever happened. All that crap I got from her but I let it go. M being ok. Just redundancy threat to get through, will know Wednesday. Tired and lady things.
19(4) Tomorrow I'll have a job or I won't. If I'm honest, a big part of me wants to go as most of them are just plain weird & I don't fit in. Friend texted me earlier about possible vacancies at her work.20(3) A chapter of my life may end today. Quite frankly I don't really care. I will get signed off and not return to my job after today if the news is bad. Things are always changing, let's not be scared.
(4) Still got a job at least until end of June. Maybe I should be happy but I've come to realise what is important in my life and it's not that place by any stretch.
21(5) My colleague is off unexpectedly so I had a lot of stress today. Worked over my 7 hours, walked there and back home, then walked to M&S to get food. M taking me on a 9 mile hike tomorrow!22(7) Nurse coming at 10 then off for my ramble with M. It's going to be a lovely sunny day. He could have gone drinking with his mates today but he chose to spend time with me ?23(7) Had a lovely walk with M yesterday. Later the jealousies went through my head again. I suppose eventually I'm going to have to explain it to him. We get on so well, so when will it all crumble?
(6) Only a few chores to do today. Must clear the massive paperwork and admin pile then I want to finish reading my book.
(7) Finally sorted paperwork first time this year. About 6 unopened envelopes but nothing important. Although did I register to vote? ? Anyway, only throwing away boxes & tidying left to do, hurrah!
(7) Just a few bits to sort and file away. what a task. I always leave it, procrastination wins every time. Now just going to listen to music and play solitaire until Trapped comes on.
24(4) I've had pain in my lower abdomen since yesterday and it's worse when I move so won't be doing much but staying on the sofa for most of the day ??
25(8) M came round. I didn't actually invite him. But he loves routine and habit so this is what we've fallen into. Fridays and Sundays, Fridays and Sundays, so predictable but it's quite cute.
(3) How many more times am I going to bare my soul only to get nothing back and end up looking like a total fool? Every time it's like I lose a part of who I really am ?
26(3) Feeling quite lonely and a bit scared being on my own which is just irrational and out of character. Wrong time of month.27(4) Work is super busy with my colleague off and I hate the chaos. M texted but I'm ignoring him. May sound childish but he wasn't interested in anything I had to say on Monday so why should I bother.28(5) At least M is fairly in tune with when I'm narked off. Lady business here and I'm doing a diet study tomorrow so wanting to be left alone. He seems ok with that. Bit melancholy. Tired.
March
MTWTFSS
    1(4) Can't do the study today because of lady things so hope I am allowed to do it in two weeks. So have to ring nurse. Big shop coming and a parcel. Headache. Not sure how I feel.
(7) Nurse not answering or replying to messages so I give up. If she turns up tomorrow then she'll have had a wasted journey. If I'm off the research then I don't care. M coming round so happy about that.
2(9) Nurse finally texted back nine hours later. Will talk to her tomorrow. M came round and I know I say it all the time but I ADORE that man. He really overthinks stuff and is so down on himself...
(6) Rescheduled the diet study until a fortnight. Ironically today I've eaten way too much and feel ill now. Wanted to journal but just want sleep. M asking me what I want to do tomorrow. Sleep?
(8) Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
3(6) I hate it when he talks of his ex wife. He didn't seem to understand when I said in some ways he is very repressed. Sometimes I do wonder if we can possibly last the distance.
4(4) Work is cr*p but at least it is peaceful without my colleague even though the days go slow. M annoying me. I'm tired and sinuses blocked, eyes sore. Just want to sleep for 48 hours.5(4) 6(4) Just today in the office to get through, one last push. Decided I'm not giving anything up for Lent this year, I'm too chaotic and I need to refresh myself and get straight somehow.
(4) Not really sure how I feel but I'm guessing it's around a 4.
7(3) Travelling to my opticians today and I know I'm going to get caught in the rain. Wish I was seeing M.
(9) Discovered quite a vulnerable side to M this morning which for us females is a big bonding step. He is so self critical it tugs at my heart. He cannot see how wonderful he is but I see it clearly.
8(9) Going on a ramble with M today. Cannot wait.9(7) Had a lovely day with M. And then he comes up with a ridiculous reason that I could never stay over at his. This whole thing is ridiculous. It's not a relationship, it's a joke.
(7) Quick food shop run done. Have a nice chilled day planned. Lovely time on my own doing peaceful pastimes. Just waiting for a parcel and then I can start by soaking my aching muscles.
(6) Parcel arrived later than wanted. Slowly ticking off chores on my list but when do I get to the pampering? Batted off further messages from M. Just want to be left alone; I'm not like normal people.
(7) Texted M to get him off my back about some stupid tv show he likes. Managed to have a soak, face & hair treatments, nice tea, read a lot. Just some arty stuff to do then I'll be content with today.
10(8) Slow start. Going to put on music and do the ironing. Neighbour was sobbing again last night, it's not nice to hear others as distressed as I used to be. Glad I'm through that in the main.
(7) M coming round later, his usual Sunday routine. Until then I want to do some creative stuff. Not sure I'll get much done. I'll be happy to see him but it's already kind of getting old married couple.
11(9) Lovely evening with M as usual. With the usual ending. He said time goes so fast when he's with me. Can't work out whether that's a compliment or not ?
(6) Panic attacks back last night, not good waking up at 4am thinking you're about to die. Never mind, just got to accept them it seems. Work not too bad, everyone quite nice and normal today.
(7) It is nice when someone opens up their heart even just a little bit so you get to see a glimpse of the inside. We should try it more often with those we can trust. I like to think I can be trusted.
12(5) Colleague back, mixed feelings about it. Met my friend after work, good to see her. M in touch as usual, feel ever closer to him because he opened up a tiny bit. Mother sent more money, not happy.13(4) Even after only 20 hours of no contact I miss him like mad.
(7) Early night but intend to listen to the radio for a couple of hours in bed. M texted, as I knew he would, so very happy again. Love him so much (don't tell him that).
14(2) Got home from a job I hate to find my notice to vacate. My life really does tend to have more sht in it than good. Cancelled walking with M tomorrow. I really don't want to speak to anyone.15(2) Well it's not going to be any better is it just because I woke up.16(3) Nurse has been to take my samples. Just got Amazon man to arrive and then I can hide away again. Will do a bit of creative/bible stuff. Still too upset to house hunt, can't face it yet.
(4) Didn't want to see M but I could tell he was gently nudging me so I let him come round. I feel a bit better. He is so good for me like my special medicine. I shouldn't push him away, learning not to.
17(2) Sometimes it's hard to keep going isn't it my dear Panda pals? Just know you're not alone. Keep battling on.
(2) I didn't expect M to want to live with me but it still hurts a little to know that he's probably not going to be interested ever. He is the master of giving off wrong signals it would seem. Oh well.
(2) I'm still not very good. Put on a brave face for M but felt so alone when he left. And it's like that every time even though I should be used to it by now.
18(1) Not eaten much today. Called M but really only for someone to talk to. Not that I want to talk to anyone. He irritated me a little as he hasn't really got any worries so he can't empathise.
(1) Landlady called. I ignored her. M trying to help but really I've just got to sort my accommodation on my own in my own time. I've always coped alone and this time is no different.
19(2) Got mittelschmerz, sore throat, tired. Not watching tv tonight & trying to ignore M. Had brief chat at lunchtime with a friend who understands. Going to have a bath, straight to bed with maltesers.20(1) Been sneezing all day, throat still sore and nose running lots. So I guess I've caught a cold because I am run down, stressed, down and not eating. At least I can identify the problem.21(1) My job is not secure, I've been doing the work of 2 people for 3 weeks, I'm losing my home in 2 months, my mother is only just talking to me again, brother isn't & I've caught a cold & I'm exhausted.22(1) Up and down all night, horrendous earache and now got ringing in my right ear. I haven't got much food in but too ill to go out. Feeling really achey and fed up.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2(3) Day 14 of illness. Still ill.3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(6) Fabulous day out with M yesterday. Going to view a house to rent today, out of the city and in his town. Mixed feelings. We will see. Feeling loads better now.
(6) Do I follow my heart or my head? Trying to figure out what is important and weighing up my options. Big decisions. I love him so much, but am I blinded by that love?
7(8) I nearly lost my job, I'm losing my home, I've had family fall outs & been ill for almost 3 weeks. But M has been there for me throughout. I now know what is the most cherished thing in my life. Him.
8(8) I hope & pray that I get this house I viewed on Saturday. It's out of the city so I'll have to commute. But I'll be near M & following my heart just feels right for me now. Keep paws crossed for me.
(4) Didn't get the house. I don't earn much so I always have this problem. It's quite humiliating. Nobody I know struggles for money like me so I have no one that understands.
9(4) I suppose I have to just look out for myself like I always have. He obviously feels a certain way but it doesn't get spoken and likely never will. #foreveralone10(5) I don't really know how I feel. I guess I'm really disconnected from everything and everyone.11(4) I am no longer at risk of redundancy at least. Still going to be homeless though. Ups and downs.12(8) Work for a few hours then got my hair did. M came to meet me and we went for a lovely Thai meal afterwards. Came back for a cuddle. He is wonderful.13(8) Pizza is probably the answer ?
(8) Going on a walk in the countryside with M tomorrow. Can't wait.
14No Reasons
15(9) 8 mile walk so now very tired. But it was a wonderful day yet again.16(1) Can't get anywhere decent to live on my wages so from next week I will just have to take any scabby flat I can get surrounded by idiots. Won't be able to get all my furniture in.17(1) M made a joke about my situation and although he did not mean to upset me, it did. It's not just moving, it brings up a lot of painful memories for me and he will never understand. Nobody will.18(1) Keep getting teary. Could be hormones. Or the state of my life.19No Reasons20(6) Long walk with M yesterday. Done a lot of chores this morning. Still a bit under the weather so I'm exhausted now. Resting this afternoon apart from a bit of laundry and changing bedding.21(4)
22(3) I longed for him to touch me but I was asking too much again ?
(2) When he makes comments about us being an old married couple & staying over if I move further away, it hurts so much because I know it's never going to happen ever. Wish he wouldn't say such things ?
23(2) Still got earache. Keep bursting into tears for 5 seconds.24(3) Mood is improving because lady business almost here. Viewing tomorrow at a bungalow that's not perfect but should be in a very quiet street. Need to convince them I can afford it tho.25(1) My salary is always a problem. Burst into tears yet again when I got home. All I see is a grotty flat for me and being miserable while everyone else is having a happy summer.
(3) I swallowed my pride and asked my bestest friend if her partner would be my guarantor and he said yes. He earns a lot, this helps me so much, not just with this one but for others.
26(5) Missed a call from letting agents so now full of doubts about place I saw. Went out with M to a local flower show. He does make me so happy, I wish I could be better for him. Middling for the moment.27(4) Slow start so annoyed with myself. Having a guarantor has eased my worries a little even tho there's only three weeks to go. Suppose I need to start packing but it's overwhelming.28No Reasons
29(3) Tried to cheer up but can't really.30(2) Doubts about M because he appears to not respect my views on an offensive word. Now my guarantor looks like he's not happy about travelling 15 miles to sign papers. Fed up with everyone in my life.
May
MTWTFSS
  1(2) Still mad at M, no contact. Rectified a few things at work, not all but hopefully no one will notice the rest. Not heard about guarantor issue. Wanting to lie low tonight and have ice cream for tea.2(2) Everything getting worse, if that could be possible. Keep smiling Pandas ?
(3) Waved a white flag at M & he rang me which of course made me instantly feel better. Hate how he can do that. Swallowed my pride & emailed current agent to request an extension to get out of deadlock.
3(4) Got extension on my tenancy. Don't like backing down but it's taken a slight bit of stress away. All down to M because he calms me down. Now have to start decluttering and packing. Ugh ?4(7) Hehe, M let slip that he sees me as his girlfriend tonight.i said that's the first time she's been referred to as that! Believe me, it's something she's been longing to hear for months ?
(8) It's only been a day but I miss him and I was brave enough to text him so and he texted back that he misses me too. I melt. Watching the snooker and drinking may have made me over emotional.
5(8) Off out for a walk in the countryside with my boyfriend. Oops, I mean M ??
6(9) Told M that I like him more and more as time goes by. Asked him if he feels the same about me and he said yes. I think he may have had a bang to the head ?
(6) Very achey and slow this morning. Seeing M again this afternoon but I am worn out. Wish I could get more motivated.
7(4) Nice afternoon but then made myself look like a desperate idiot and now I feel ugly and rejected. I should be used to this.
(4) Put in a PPI claim. Life doesn't get any better than this.
8(6) M surprised me and treated me to lunch today. Also texted after to say how lovely it was. He's getting a bit attentive and caring, worried about him ? Successfully booked my fave removal lads ?9(8) M said he's looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. I'm slightly concerned that he's being nice and complimentary and sweet. What is he after? ?10No Reasons11(7) Achey after walking yesterday but will have a muscle soak this aft. Minimum chores done but need to mop floors because of viewings last week. M being really sweet, unnerving me.
(7) Nice lazy afternoon and not feeling the slightest bit bad about it. No packing done but I don't care.
12(7) Little bit of packing done, bookcase and most of sideboard cleared. If I can do the same next two weekends then I should be on target. M coming over later.
13(8) Laughs with M. We have so much fun together, I hope it is always like this. Almost ten months since we got back in contact and I love him more than ever.14(4) Funny how people who don't really get you try to strike up conversation about the same old things time and time again. I don't want to talk about moving, I don't want to move, and it's boring me now.15(4) I know it's my insecurities but it makes me so sad when he asks me what I think of houses for sale in the town where his ex wife now lives. Is it me or is it a bizarre idea to move nearer to your ex?16(4) Bit of a weird day. Met a friend and we exchanged gripes. Cried with laughing over video M made me. But then he went quiet. I don't know. I wish life could just be simple and uneventful.17(6) Off out on a ramble with the fella today. Come on sunshine, don't give up on us now!18(6) It's just dawned on me that my new landlord has manipulated me into entering into tenancy agreement on 31 May instead of 1 June that I requested just so they can charge me fees.
(4) Thought I would put M on the spot about staying away for a couple of nights. It will be a year since we started seeing each other. I can tell from his hesitancy that he doesn't feel the same as me.
(2) I suppose I maybe need my sounds on.
19(3) Don't really want to go out with him today but I'll just go along with it. I wish we could talk properly but it's another one of those repressed, closed up, unspoken relationships again ?
(2) Talking about me eventually moving in with him again. Always on his terms and where he wants to live. If that's in the same town as his ex wife then it's NEVER going to happen.
20(2) Big argument with new agent but I hope she's happy taking her £130. I caved in as usual and only achieved my preferred pay date. Now my colleague is signed off for 4 weeks.21(2) The agent has won and then I read some reviews, they're horrendous! I doubt I'll be staying any longer than the 12 months & looks like I'll have a battle for my deposit back. What a nightmare.
(1) Told M that I want to do my own thing this weekend. I'm going to be too tired from work this week for any walks and I need to pack. Plus I don't think I could look at him without bursting into tears.
22(1) Nocturnal panic attack second night running. Sooooo must be stress related eh? Fancy that!! So here is the insomnia back again, hello old enemy, it's been a while.23(1) Still very down. No panic last night but woke 4 times. No contact from M. I have nothing to say to him. Nervous every time my phone rings because of that nasty agent. Ignored 2 scam numbers. Tired.24(1) Still always on the verge of tears. M emailed 3 times already this morning when I've asked to be left alone. I'm really struggling now ?25(1)
(2) Went to see a friend to talk things over. Only made me realise all the things I fail at on a continuing basis. Home, work, relationships. Nothing ever goes right for long enough for me to recover.
(1) M texts to say I can call him anytime if I want to talk. How can I when he is one of the reasons for my anguish. Especially the part where he won't tell me how he really feels about me and our future.
26(2) Slow start yet again. Boiled egg, painted nails, solitaire. Anything but that darn ironing and packing ?
(1) Pushing him away. It's not looking good.
(1) Felt bad so invited M over for tea tomorrow. I always give in. This does not make me happy.
27(3) Managed to eat and shower. Even done a little more sorting/packing. I was going to have a day off it today. Nervous about later. I shouldn't be nervous about seeing the man I love ?28(1) Not looking forward to work on my own tomorrow. Three weeks to go, all of it on my shoulders. Very sad when M left. I wish he would stay but I can't make him and I can't ever ask again. Very down.
(2) Survived work. At least days go fast when you're busy. Booked some tickets for M's bday present but then he made a joke about still seeing me after a year round and I took it in a bad way ?
29(1) Welling up all the time, it's getting stupid. Apparently if he says something horrible then it's a joke and if he says something nice then he's serious. Give me strength.30No Reasons31(1)
June
MTWTFSS
     1(5) M came round and helped tidy up the outside before I leave the house. We had a fun time again talking and just being comfortable together. When he is nice he is amazing and I love him.
(7) Learning to let M help me with move things. It takes a lot for me to depend on anyone but myself but I'm trying to let go of the control a little. We had a nice lunch and I love him. More.
2(7) Donald Trump is bigger than Big Ben ? I'm dying.
(7) M coming round for tea later. Last meal in this house. Actually looking forward to the new place now. Yesterday met the elderly lady next door (not joined). Peace & quiet of a cul de sac will be nice.
3(6) Final night in this house. A little sad but I'll be okay in the new place. Need to adjust in some areas but I know one day I'll be living with M so it's only a stepping stone to where I'm meant to be.4(6) In the new house, lovely and quiet. Birds singing, no traffic or chavs going by. Met neighbour (joined). Just tired.5(4) M being off tonight so rethinking my weekend. I could do with staying home and getting things unpacked.6(7) Really appreciating the quiet in my new neighbourhood. I'm not overlooked out back and it is so calming out there.7(7) M bought me caterpillars for my birthday and they're now starting to pupate. It's fascinating stuff, and incredible. He came round today and we went for lunch, it was nice.8(7) Lady pains woke me at 7 so just laying here listening to birdsong. Still extremely tired. Today I need to finish off cleaning and unpacking but not much energy for it. Hope it improves.9(6)
10(5) Already exhausted and Monday hasn't even started yet. Going into work late. No one to care anyway. Need a full 24 hours of sleep but that isn't going to happen any time soon.11(4) M came round tonight. We laughed until we cried. I love that. Not looking forward to work tomorrow. Terrified that I will have to speak in an office meeting. Can't bear it.12(3) My colleague is signed off for another four weeks. This year is really going in hard on me.13No Reasons14(3) Very tired and I don't normally get like this. Doing an extra morning at work so that I can get all the work done I hope. It's very stressful.15(4) Knocked M back last night because I just need a break as I'm so exhausted and I still have lots to do. I do miss him so much but that's every day really. Need to sort the house today. Big shop coming.16(6) Made a tiny bit more progress with the unpacking. It's actually been quite nice not having to entertain M. He's coming over later which is okay because I miss him. Hope we have cuddles.
(7) Made progress in the craft room, washed my recycling bins, unpacked nearly all the remaining boxes. I would say I am now 90% sorted in this house. Need to get a shower, shave bits and moisturise.
17(5) He leaves. I don't want him to go. I can't say what I really feel because I end up feeling like I demand too much. I want to be with him all the time and be closer to him. Breaks my heart every time.
(4) Want to get an early night but I know I'll end up waking up after an hour with a panic attack, heart racing and thinking I'm going to die. Fed up that these are back.
18No Reasons19(4) Nocturnal panic last night and leapt out of bed. Can't believe these are happening again. If it wasn't for work my life would be wonderful. I guess we see the problem but there's no fix.20(2) A couple of my butterflies are a little deformed. M said it's because I didn't clean off the webbing properly. My fault. As if I don't feel bad enough. Sometimes he can be quite harsh with me.21(4) Going on a ramble at the coast with M today. Still quite sad but I will try and fake it. Forecast to be a sunny day.22(5) Achey from yesterday but feel like I could do stuff today. Just need to get up and start I suppose.23(4) My summer furniture is out at last. Did a few chores. Going out with M tomorrow. This week saw a year since we got back in touch after 5 years apart. And in a lot of ways we are no further on.
(3) I don't know, just not feeling right today. I should be happy but I'm finding it hard to settle for how things are when I know I deserve a lot more. You know what I'm talking about.
(1) Mother ruined last Christmas by being horrid to me, part of which was her saying my voice was irritating. We didn't speak for 2 months. Today the man I adore told me that my voice is annoying.
24(2) M has not been in contact at all today. Not checking up on me after he's obviously upset me speaks volumes. I know I'm worth more than this but without him I'd be miserable for the rest of my life.25(1) Still tearful and deeply hurt. At least I'm coping with work, keeping myself busy so the tears don't have time to fall.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(2) 29No Reasons30(1) M just turned up yesterday. I had a friend dropping stuff off so I was busy plus I didn't want to see him. He asked if he could come round today. Ate tea I cooked him in exchange for an awkward cuddle
July
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(3) Had a nice afternoon with M. But we seem to have gone backwards with intimacy. Nothing for over a month. Frustrated for something I'm not even really that interested in.
(2) So texting your ex with a pointless question is not weird. Oh hell, this has got to ease off now until it's finished. Just get his birthday over with and then I'm withdrawing. And I mean it this time.
(1) Was going to go watch the carnival parade but I'm too upset now. Crying in public is not a good look.
7(2) Seeing M today. That isn't going to be awkward at all!!!!! ??
8(3) Had toothache for four days but it's eased tonight. Spent the afternoon and evening with M. Can't work out if he's pushing me away or if the scales are simply falling from my eyes. Still upset.9No Reasons10(4) Managed to talk to M a little tonight about the way I feel when he “teases” me. It helped a bit. He says he cares for me and trusts me. Is that enough? I want him to love me really.
(3) Going far, getting nowhere...
11(1) I've knocked back M asking me to go out today. I'm really down and it goes beyond the situation with him. Tears always welling in my eyes. Just mooching around doing nothing.12(3) Went out with M. When he asked if I would stay over at his if he moved to the town where his ex wife lives, I said a flat no. If he doesn't get it then I'm not going to explain it to him.13(2) Went to the shop early. I'm still quite down. The tears prick my eyes constantly. I may be being stupid but I feel so unwanted and insignificant. I should be feeling reassured and loved for a change.
(1) Keep bursting into tears. Not normal. Part of it is pms though, at least I recognise that. The other part is people.
14No Reasons
15(3) M came round and we walked to watch some bowls then came back and watched the cricket World Cup. I must love him for me to sit through cricket ? We laughed and got along and it was almost perfect.
(3) Back at work, ugh. Called M tonight just to chat because I love him so very much despite it all.
16(4) Met a friend who understands but she doesn't really have any advice for me apart from speak up. It made a nice change to see her though, she is a good friend to me.17(4) Boris is getting on my wick now. Yes, what took me so long. Work is wick testing also.
(1) Had a little blackbird chick in my garden but he ran next door, where there is a cat ? Spoke to M and picked him up on the still being friends with his ex situation. He really doesn't get it.
18(2) Tired and have to work tomorrow. More emotional battling today. Yawn. Did I mention that I'm tired?? ???19No Reasons20(3) Going to get a few basic chores out of the way then settle down with my bullet journal and try to sort out the chaos that's in my head.
(6) Afternoon didn't turn out as planned. M took me to meet his mum for the first time. He met mine last week. It's been almost a year. This is progress for us I suppose. When he's like this I love him.
21(6) Going on a walk with M this aft.
(4) Spent the afternoon and evening with M. I love his company so much. More talk of living together but it's all just fantasy. The thing that makes me so sad is the only thing that makes me happy.
22(2) Work is sht. Just about everything else is sht too.23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(7) Had a lovely day with M. Pandas will be pleased to hear that I got a lot off my chest re his ex, him preventing me from finding a proper boyfriend, how I won't wait forever & how much I like him.28(6) M is being more attentive and loving in his way. Hoping that our talk on Friday has made him finally see how much I adore him.
29(7) Going to a country show with M tomorrow. Lovely to be off work mid week. I know that I need to appreciate how my life has been changed completely around by this man. He really is my world.30(8) Had a super day with M. Does anyone say super anymore? Caught the sun too much but it was fab and he is still quite touchy feelie. Big shop coming tomorrow and a lovely day on my own resting.31(4) Mittelschmerz hurting as soon as I wake up. Please that I'm off work and can lie down ?
August
MTWTFSS
   1No Reasons2(4) Wish money wasn't such a big deal. It isn't when you have plenty. Plans cancelled. They weren't really plans. Not seeing M but it's for the best. If it's not his ex then it's money getting in the way.
(6) We struggle but we get through. Freewheeling would be nice but we have to go over bumps going up before we can have the ease of coming down. He sticks with me which doesn't go unnoticed.
3No Reasons4(8) Went to the coast for a couple of hours with M. Saw two seals. It was lovely and I enjoy going out with him so much. I wish it was like this every day.
5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons8(3) Work is bad. I need to get out of there. Why does nothing ever just run smooth for me forever?9No Reasons10(5) Ironing all done. Determined to do some arty crafty stuff this afternoon. Hoping to make myself accountable by stating here. Cheeky left over chips for lunch. M made me giggle so little better.11(4) Lovely pub Sunday lunch with M. I hated it when he had to leave. It breaks my heart every time because I love him so much and we don't need to be apart at all.
12(6) M has been sending me links to holiday cottages today. He really is stepping up lately even though he still mentions the ex now and again. I just ignore it and change the subject. He'll learn.13(4) Keep getting headaches mid afternoon that last until bedtime. Still sleeping badly with night panics. Work bad. The only light in my life is my man, how lucky I am.14No Reasons15(9) Bumped into friend before work. Went to see Lion King with M then a Thai meal. These are the important things, not the crp in between. The full moon is in Aquarius and all is as it should be.16No Reasons17(7) Went to a friend's for lunch. M brought me home as it was raining. I cooked us tea and we watched telly. Things are going so well between us. I am very lucky and forever grateful.18(4) Already not looking forward to work tomorrow. M coming round for tea so that will cheer me up a bit. Down about housing, money, tired. Can't see any way out unless there's a big lottery win for me.
19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22(6) So glad this week is over. Colleague is back but as good as useless and it causes me more anxiety. Seeing M tomorrow, going on a walk and again on Sunday. Just need an early night and to see him ASAP.23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons
26(8) Another country walk with M today, even with a badly bruised leg and THAT HEAT. Everything is okay. Same as always but that's okay.27(4) Ovary pain. Work dull. No contact from M. Too hot. I'm a little bit low.28(9) Pandas, you won't believe it when I say that I've been invited to stay over at M's for one, perhaps two nights from tomorrow. Stunned. And very happy ??29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons
September
MTWTFSS
      1(9) Had an incredible couple of days with M. We have not spent so long in each other's company before and it was wonderful. Not a cross word, cuddles and so much laughter. Happier than ever ?
2(6) Another mistake by my colleague discovered today. I am planning to speak to my manager about how I'm feeling on wednesday. Lucky I'm still happy about M so I'm not down about it yet.3(7) Miss M like crazy. It's stupid, I'm a grown woman. D day at work tomorrow. They see me as a trouble causer anyway. Why should I care. They're taking advantage of the fact I hold it all together.4(5) Stuck up for myself and asked for a pay rise. May also be getting some permanent, effective help. Feel worn out though. This job drains me.5No Reasons6(8) Lovely day at a country house and bird garden with a good friend. Missed M a lot though. He would have loved it there.7(8) Ooo, I like this new layout, much better for my poor old eyesight! ??
(9) Waiting for M to pick me up to go stay over again at his? I know, two weekends running! We usually like our Saturday evenings alone but apparently no longer and things are changing.
8(4) I've taken a lot of teasing today. I've given out so much love and compliments and received none back. This is how it's always going to be, I know that. But it's still very hurtful.
9(4) Slightly on the verge of tears all day. I just feel unloved. I'm good for keeping someone company but anything beyond that is problem causing obviously. Need to learn to put up.10(4) Only middling. Not sure where I'm heading.11No Reasons12(3) Very tired from work. And then M appears to have not heard a single word I said about not wanting to see him if he moves to his ex wife's town. Is how I feel so insignificant to everyone?13(3) Meeting a friend for a cuppa soon. Not heard from M so writing off thisaft as chores and naps. I don't want to see him really after yesterday's email. Yes, I'm a sulker, always have been.14No Reasons15(6) So I stayed at M's last night. It's becoming a regular thing. But I have lots to do at home and I don't want us to get predictable. But oh how I love being with him. He makes my heart light and happy.
(7)
16(3) Work is horrid. Trying to diet. Mood drop.17(6) Got my pay rise! Not a fortune but a little bit more each month will help. Colleague back from leave but that's not necessarily any help to me. Still got M so that keeps me going.18(5) Not really anywhere. In 20 hours I'll be grand.19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Had a lovely walk with M yesterday. Things kind of got awkward when the subject of my housing came up again. Meant to be going over to his to stay tonight but not really feeling it.22No Reasons
23(4) Going to have a shower and an early night. I don't feel right and my body is strange. Not to mention my mind. Not heard from M. I guess he doesn't want to go away with me and that's okay.24(5) Finished work for the week. Buses were a nightmare so got home later than normal even though I left earlier than normal. Washed the stress away in the shower. Waiting on M arranging tomorrow.25(6) Going out today to see some art installations so will try to post some insta picks later.26No Reasons27(2) Mood has dropped dramatically. I'm sick of not having any money, it makes having a relationship almost impossible. Staying in the house all day, all weekend, it's obviously all I'm good enough for.28No Reasons29(3) Really down with pmt and I know it. M is being patient with me and that really means a lot.
30No Reasons
October
MTWTFSS
 1(3) I'm okay. Just work gets me down. I should get something else but I can't command the wage I'm on starting again. I'm not interested in what I'm experienced in and everything else is low paid ?2(3) 3(6) New darker hair but not brunette because that would be ridiculous. Big shop coming tomorrow and landlord check. Then we will see...4(5) Shopping arrived. Going to have tea and tiger bread and then a bit of tidying round for check. Not making any great effort because I don't care what they think. It's clean and neat and that's enough.5(9) I'm at M's house and loving just being part of a couple again. This is what I want my future to look like always.6(4) Back home, on my own. Never used to feel the emotion of loneliness ever as I don't really like people that much. But when we are apart it is like I have given him a piece of me that is now missing.
7(7) Still happy from my weekend. Keeping what is most important to the forefront of my thoughts.8(4) Radio silence so miss him even more. House problem sorted. Work still a pain, or colleague should I say. Not won Euromillions again. Someone take me away.9(4) Need some sleep.10No Reasons11No Reasons12(8) Had a nice day after a couple of hours in work. Met a friend for lunch then had M round for tea. Excited for tomorrow as he's coming to stay. Hurrah!
(9) So excited for today even though it's just having my boyfriend over. Feel like a young person again ?
13(7) M stayed over last night but he was a bit obnoxious. I love him unconditionally so I let it go. This morning he apologised. I make allowance for him being out of his usual routine.
14(3) I bruised my hip and I've got pain down my leg so not going to go to work. Not that I take much persuading to sack it off. Hate the place. Anyway, just going to take it easy. Also have headache.
(3) Sometimes I wonder whether I'm being low key controlled ?
15(3) Stayed off work again because I can feel anxiety. Have a gas engineer coming soon. I hate workmen in the house. Hate, hate, hate. Ignoring M. Everybody else ignoring me which suits fine.16No Reasons17No Reasons18(2) 19No Reasons20No Reasons
21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(7)
28No Reasons29(5) Only half a day at work tomorrow and then I'm off for 11 days. Haven't had a week off in three months so really looking forward to it. Hopefully I will get kidnapped during this time.30(6) Finished work. Waiting for shopping then I can relax. Night out with M tomorrow. I am hoping I can relax and get back to feeling something like my true self over the next week.31No Reasons
November
MTWTFSS
    1No Reasons2No Reasons3(4) Great weekend with M and I can see being with him forever. But whether he wants the commitment I need is another thing. Sometimes it seems he does, sometimes it's the last thing he wants.
4(3) Bad panic attack last night so scared of sleeping tonight. I could do with someone to talk to but I have no one and nobody understands anyway. M not really talking so will listen to radio all night.5No Reasons6(7) Off up a hill today and then down into a cave. With M I do lots of things I wouldn't be brave enough to do on my own. Small adventures maybe, but massive achievements for me.7(4) So my colleague sends a work email to my personal email address today. She said she would not contact me about work and I didn't want to be contacted. I know it's a mistake but that's the problem.8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons
11No Reasons12No Reasons13(3) Dizzy all day. Left work early sick. Don't care. Came home and vomited. Feel a bit rubbish really. Don't want to go to work tomorrow but that's more about my dislike of my job rather than my illness.14(4) Going to lie on the couch all afternoon, catching up on tv shows and might start a new book.15(3) Still dizzy but due to meet a friend for coffee later. Could do without it but I might as well try.
(4) Feeling slightly better.
16(4) I know that M wants me to stay at his tonight and I will end up going but do I really want to?17(4) Dizziness back again today. I have no idea what is wrong with me but something isn't right.
18(3) Bad night's sleep last night. Work ok as my colleague doesn't work Mondays and there's never many people in. I'm still dizzy but doctors was engaged and I can't be bothered to keep trying.19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26(3) Why does everything have to be so disappointing. I booked a tour for a certain day, now I find out for the same price we could go any time and I'd get a printed voucher. So annoyed with myself.27(5) I managed to change my booking, they were really lovely about it. Of course they were. I really beat myself up unnecessarily. Watched last night's Gold Digger. Lady business started, three days late ?28No Reasons29(2) So we're not going out today. Well, he is because he has been down due to the gloomy weather. I hate my job, have health worries, short of money, on lady things, drained and stressed.
(2) Been to drop off a gift to my friend. Hasn't made me feel much better. Lucky with bus on way home. Switched my phone off. Feeling sorry for myself.
30(2) Eaten pizza and now feel bad. M keeps texting me. Feel bad about ignoring him but I wanted to go out yesterday, I wanted to stay with him. It's like he wanted to enjoy himself without me.