5.4 avg
  1538 days
  11752 hugs
  192 followers
January
MTWTFSS
  1(8) Happy New Year to all my panda chums. Let's keep going, onwards and upwards!2(6) Back in work today and it was just as horrid as in 2019. I'm being made redundant and I'm going to kick up some fuss. Tells you something when I'm more focussed on tea out tomorrow with my love.3No Reasons4(8) Weekend with M and everything else matters not.5(4) Cried a bit in front of M today. If only he realised it's because I love him so much. Scared about how my future is going to be. Forever just a girlfriend with separate lives.
6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons10(8) Going on a ramble with M today. Nothing else matters when we are together. When I'm with him I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Everything is going to be okay.11No Reasons12No Reasons
13(3) I think deep down I am actually quite depressed. I live for getting out of work and get home to comfort eat and waste time mindlessly. I have no aims, no motivation. Not much to look forward to.14No Reasons15(3) Every day I go into work they p me off even more. I really need an employment law specialist to advise me if I've got a case for constructive dismissal. But can I actually be bothered?
(4) Met M for lunch and all was ok. Tonight he heard a friend is going to have life support switched off. So tomorrow night's panto trip isn't going to be fun. Neither of us wanted to go anyway.
16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19(8) Another good weekend with M. I don't know how we manage to keep getting along. Sometimes he can be quite hurtful. Sometimes I can be impatient. Waiting for it all to go wrong.
20(3) Don't know if I said I hate my work. Early night and going to try a meditation app.21(4) Don't really know how I'm feeling.sometimes I'm positive about losing my job, other times I have no idea what I'm going to do. Starting slimfast from Sunday as need to lose a stone now.22No Reasons23(6) My colleague makes me mad. She's now gone off on holiday for 2 weeks which is good but she's managed to leave me some crp work she didn't want to do.24(5) Early waking. Lady things. Miss M.25(6) 26No Reasons
27(8) Cuddled my love who was shivering until he was warm again. Cooked him some food. Was there for him. My heart overflows with love for this man. I would do anything to keep him from harm.28No Reasons29(6) Met M at lunchtime. He is my lifeline. With him around I can get through anything. Work boring. Lost 2lb on slimfast. Quiet journey home so nearly finished book. I'm okay I suppose.30No Reasons31No Reasons
February
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2(4) Okay weekend spent all with M. He said he likes three days a week on his own. I get none these days. Resent that a bit. When I want to be alone it's like I wound him.
3(3) Woke up feeling awful so went back to sleep until nine then rung up work to say not going in. I don't even care any more. Just need a day to myself. I need these, can't function without them.4No Reasons5(3) My dizziness is back tonight :-( Hope it goes overnight. Going to bed early.6(8) Dizziness eased quite a bit today. Had a lovely lunch then went to see the David Copperfield film, really enjoyed it. M bought me a necklace for my birthday next week. Tea back at mine. Sleepy now.7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons
10No Reasons11(6) I must confess, it is sweet to be back in my own bed tonight. Went out for a meal with a friend. Tomorrow I've got a new washing machine coming. One day on my own is not enough though.12(5) New washer arrived. Just waiting on a parcel. I should be doing chores but I'm tired and somehow can't adjust to being on my own. Overwhelmed by everything I have to do. Slimfast drink now.13No Reasons14No Reasons15(3) I think we have agreed to see less of each other :(16(3) As predicted, when I said we wouldn't see each other for a fortnight from now then he appeared to be hurt & didn't like it. I can't win. He doesn't want me to move in but hates it when I'm not there.
17(4) Back on Slimfast now so hoping I've lost a pound or two. Birthday week only put me back a little bit. M contacting me, trying to step back. I need to be on my own while lady business does its thing.18(2) Score maybe only what I think I should be. Lady business started. Got confirmation I am redundant from April. M not being supportive. Annoyed because I was there for him all last week.19No Reasons20(2) Today was horrid at work and it will only get worse. Management made me do something that isn't my job and put my work behind now until next week. Signed to say I accept redundancy. Hate it there.21(1) Cancelled meeting friend for coffee. The only person that I need for support is not supporting me so I don't want to see anyone or have to speak.
(1) I am sure eventually certain individuals will get bored when they realise MP is just a basic tracking app and not the world stage ? until then I'm signing off for a while.
22No Reasons23No Reasons
24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(4) Work is horrendous. My colleague keeps bragging about how her daughter is going to be on nearly £40k a year whilst I face unemployment. So mean. HR woman had ten minutes to see me.28(6) Interview today and they want me. Knew they would. More money but do I want to stay in this line of work? What choice do I really have? Nice afternoon with M. Missed him very much.29No Reasons
March
MTWTFSS
      1(2) Have to decide whether I'm taking the job tomorrow. I'm forced to take it in the absence of anything else. Wanted to talk to M about where we plan to be in the future. But I can't talk to him. So sad.
2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5(6) Had a work meeting I was dreading but it wasn't so bad. Manager attempted to ask if I would stay after 31 March but before she'd uttered the words I said no. It was a great feeling to say get stuffed!6No Reasons7No Reasons8(6) Tickled a donkey today and that just shows me there is more to life than work and humans. Enjoy the full moon tomorrow and know that we are all truly insignificant in the big scheme of things.
9No Reasons10(3) It's getting to that hump day in the hump week of the month. Can't be bothered and energy and tolerance low.11(5) No way do I advocate skiving off work but sometimes the effort is just too much. After this week I only have 7 days in that place anyway so who cares. Going to get some jobs done and chill.12(6) Ironing done. Going to treat myself to some heating on in the afternoon and a little crafting to some gentle sounds. Bit of telly catch up and some YouTube. No guilt.
(7) My colleague had a freak out at work while I was off and let rip into the bosses. I fear she will now get signed off. It's ok with me to cope on my own for just 7 days. In fact I'd prefer it.
13(6) Going for a coffee out with a friend at lunchtime, big shop coming this aft then M coming for tea.14No Reasons15No Reasons
16No Reasons17(4) So my colleague chooses to self isolate. I'm left with all the work of course. Typical of her, I am convinced she's gone totally psychotic. I can get on with stuff and do my own P45!18(3) Swing from being ok to anxiety about my job. What if I'm not able to start on 1 April? What if the business goes bust? How am I going to pay rent if I can't get another job? No wonder people panic.19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23(7) Walked out of the office for the final time. What a feeling. Hasn't quite sunk in yet but I feel like I'm turning the page on a new chapter and there's no regrets.24No Reasons25(8) Yesterday I did some drawing and colouring and today I've done an hour of sweeping leaves out back. Taking things slowly, making sure I do at least one activity instead of letting the days slip away.26(8) Today is pamper day so going to take it easy now. Went to shop at 9:30 am and queued for only ten minutes to enter the store so who knows what it's like at this time.27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30(8) Is it wrong to say that I'm loving this alone time? Best thing ever but only not happy it's because of these circumstances.
(7) A pang of missing him? Nah. Can't give in.
31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2No Reasons3(6) Miss him a little but it's only because of my lady pains. Feeling sorry for myself but happy in my isolation.4(7) Very bad night of only about 3 hours sleep. Don't know what that was all about but brain just wouldn't switch off. Sunny today, done a few light chores already and it's only 9am.5(6) Better sleep. I think I was just so tired. About six unbroken hours. Bit annoyed at M. He doesn't seem to be missing me as much as I thought so I won't care either. Sunbathing today. Not in a park.
6No Reasons7(6) Missing M a lot. Though I know it's PMT. I miss the touch. I don't mind being alone but sometimes a cuddle is really nice.8(3) Just a bit yuck today. Glad I'm alone because speaking would be an effort. Going to sit in the sun today and read. Might put the swing chair up if I can find the energy. This is all PMT I think.9(6) Softly, softly, catchy monkey in the ASDA delivery slot game. I'd go to a store but I have no transport for a big shop so I feel justified. Plus my social anxiety is ten times worse with this thing.
(8) M read me some last supper passages on FaceTime. Then ended it by flexing some muscles. He really isn't like any other guys I've ever known. ?
10No Reasons11No Reasons12(3) I don't think he's really missing me that much at all really.
13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19(2) Looks like covid might also kill my relationship, if you can call it that. Under extreme pressure what you always thought was diamond could just turn out to be worthless glass all along.
20No Reasons21No Reasons22(2) 23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28(3) A little better since yesterday. M video called me yesterday. Could have done without it. He never fails to make me smile. I fear the dynamic of our relationship has changed. I am being suppressed.29No Reasons30(3)
May
MTWTFSS
    1(3) If I could be self centred and just look out for me then maybe I wouldn't get hurt as much.2No Reasons3No Reasons
4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7(6) Managing to do little tasks for just one hour at a time. Don't put it in my planner until the day or even when it's done just so I don't get overwhelmed.8(9) M cycled ten miles to visit me. I hadn't seen him for nearly seven weeks. Just what I needed, I'd missed him so much and FaceTime isn't the same as seeing him in the lovely flesh. Happy. Boosted.9No Reasons10No Reasons
11(4) So I could possibly start my new job in an office of total strangers, be close to them and touch things that they touch but I can't sleep in the same bed as my boyfriend yet? Er, I don't think so!!12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons
18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21(2) Every time I think I can get past it, I can't.22No Reasons23No Reasons24(3) More downs than ups during this lockdown carry on it would seem. I suppose the silence means you can hear your thoughts.
25No Reasons26No Reasons27(3) Held a blue tit today. One of the best moments of my life.28No Reasons29(3) Wanting to start a common place book. To add to all the other journals, planners, art books and notebooks I have on the go! Know that I'll find fault with what I create, as always.30No Reasons31(3) Invited M round for a “barbecue” tomorrow. It will be a test of whether or not I can put certain things out of my concern or if they'll always bug me. Not like me to put up and shut up though :(
June
MTWTFSS
1(1) I am really at a loss as to why men treat me like sht. They're not even bad men on the face of it. Just men and perhaps I will simply never understand them.2(2) Going to take advantage of the sun for this morning then get emails done and some writing/crafting. Looks like the rain is coming tomorrow which is fine by me. Reading a book about emotions.3(2) 4(4) Little bit better but it won't last.5(6) Completed my first week of couch to 5k. Today was harder than the 1st day! I'm only telling one friend I'm doing this as I'll just get mocked when I give up. M came round and we walked to the pond.6(3) Recently I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't know who I am, where I am, what the point is. Never felt so detached from the human race in my entire life.7(1) I think my baby blue tits have died ?
8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11(7) I'm so happy because I will be able to snuggle with M on Saturday night and stay over again at last! No physical contact for nearly three months has been tough and many people will not understand.12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons
15(4) The tears are almost breaking through.16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons
22No Reasons23(3) 24(4) First time doing my couch to 5k in public. Felt much harder somehow but I went very slow and completed. Only passed one other jogger thank goodness.25(2) Getting quite depressed about my mobility. So stiff and achey every day. Scared to ring doctors. This heat is unbearable too, makes me so lethargic. Some days I wish I hadn't woken up.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(3) Still don't know whether to ring doctors tomorrow about my knee. Don't know whether to stop couch to 5k in case it's making it worse. Back home now I know I'll avoid everything again.
29(5) Week 5 of couch to 5k was ok at 6am. I can now run for three sessions of 5 minutes with 3 minute breaks in between. Actually felt quite easy. But I have grasped the nettle and GP ringing me tomorrow.30(3) Well Pandas, my toilet blocked up again but I must add that this is not down to me!! Nothing from landlord of course, they're the worst. GP rang and just told me to self refer for physio.