February
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2(3) Next update on the house situation. M has agreed that I should move in with him when my tenancy comes to an end. This is a big relief for me. Not sure he is totally convinced we will get along.3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7(4) Another weekend with M. We don't argue although sometimes he teases me too far but I endure it. I suppose I will get ground down. I do love being back in my own space. We will have to sort out me time
8(4) I have a video interview tomorrow. Not bothered whether I get it or not but it will stop M looking down on me if I am successful. Even tho he does nothing all day every day.9(4) Survived the interview. Only 60% confident. Well, you don't know the competition do you? At least the interviewers didn't sound like teenagers and more my age. They had video off!10(4) Birthday blues or pmt, I think I know which.
(3) Found out today that my ex best friend's sister died just over a week ago. She was only a couple of years older than me. She was a childhood friend. She sided with my ex so we stopped talking.
11(3) Survived dentist, just. Hated every minute of it. Waiting room was full, dentist took off visor while still talking to me. Ugh. Got some M&S food after though as my reward.12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons
15(2) I do get very low at this time of the month. I can identify it but by the time I've got out the other side, I'm heading back in again.16No Reasons17No Reasons18(2) Haven't been green for months. Don't think I'll be happy ever again.19(1) On my own this weekend. My choice. Don't care.20No Reasons21No Reasons
22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25(7) Flew a kite26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons
March
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2No Reasons3(4) Decluttering is a massive task. Five bags in the bin for tomorrow. Already three bags of clothes and shoes for charity. Living minimalist is my goal. Only four weeks left to do this.4(6) I didn't want to say this earlier but since early Jan I had been worried about a breast lump. Pleased to report that I've been checking and it seems to have dissipated.
(6) M and I have two house viewings lined up this weekend. Things are maybe looking up and he's getting his ass into gear? Did loads more decluttering today. I have so much junk, feels good and bad.
5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons
8(2) I just get mocked and belittled all the time. Soon I will have no confidence whatsoever.9No Reasons10(3) Had boobs checked to confirm lump scare was nothing. All clear. Must have been a cyst. Relief that it went and now relief that it's been checked. Getting a check is easier than the worry.
(3) Removal firms are very popular at the moment. Managed to get booked for 24th. My usual lads booked solid. Thanks Rishi, throwing your holidays around. Also sorting storage unit. Tired.
11(4) Had final mental health review after programme completion and I've passed with flying colours. Only because situation has changed and I quit crppy job. Saw a friend briefly. Got removals quote.12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons
15(4) Just about sorted garage and swept half of it. Tired now and need another shower. First main day of lady business but got the energy from somewhere. Little by little I'm getting there.16No Reasons17(2) The ups and downs were perhaps months, then weeks, then days but now it's hour by hour. Woke up down then had a few minutes of positivity, showered and came out down again. When will it end?
(4) Shredded letters from my American. Then realised I could have burnt them. Don't know which is more appropriate. Burnt bank and pay stuff. Feel so much lighter with each thing I destroy.
(4) In seven days I will be moving in with my bf. How far I have come in the idea of my destiny yet how stuck I am in the reality of life and relationships.
18(4) Had my coronavirus vaccine this morning.19(3) Woke at 4:30 with a headache. Could be the vaccine side effect. Took paracetamol and went back to sleep. Feel a little better now after a shower and some breaths of fresh cool air.20(3) Today I threw my childhood soft toys in the bin. Some my mother had made. But their stuffing had gone all hard and they were distorted. Not sure how I feel about this but trying not to dwell on it.21No Reasons
22(4) Up early and washed all windows by 8am. Fallen out of love with this place, won't be that sad to move out. The only thing I'll miss is Bobby the dog over the road and my full days of solitude.23(4) Last night in this house. Last night living on my own. Until? Treated myself to a takeaway and only ate half of it. Everything nearly all boxed up. M is really panicking about me moving in.24No Reasons25(5) Moved in with M. Only have to go back to the old house to clean and clear remaining stuff. Move day tempers frayed a little but we also had some laughs. Hoping it will work out.26(3) M shouted at me today. This isn't how things are meant to be :'(27No Reasons28(4) Got through menu/shopping planning without any fallout which is a result at the current time.
29No Reasons30No Reasons31(4) I'm only okay and that's not what I thought it would be.
May
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2No Reasons
3No Reasons4(4) DWP swindled me out of some benefit because I'm too honest but trying to get over it because it's not like I follow all their rules on commitments.5No Reasons6No Reasons7(6) Had a walk in the woods and saw lots of bluebells. Sometimes life can be nice.8No Reasons9(2) He went to see his ex this afternoon and now the texting pings are really getting me down. Why can't he just forget about her?
10No Reasons11No Reasons12(2) Totally alone.. even though I live with someone.13(3) Contacted old colleague and got a small bit of work from him. M not interested. Then found out I've got an interview for another job next week. M mildly interested. Never rains but it pours.14(6) Got seven hours to myself! Had hair done, got some new supplements and visited a friend. Felt good to be back in town despite distancing not easy. Time on my own though, wow.15No Reasons16No Reasons
17No Reasons18No Reasons19(5) Got through interview and then got rained on. Don't want the job but I went.20(6) Still feeling a bit better than before. Started taking vit c and agnus castus. Have no idea if it helps, will only know if I maintain this good mood. Completed application to go back to civil service.21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons
24No Reasons25No Reasons26(7) Had a good meeting for my casual work, going to be under trading allowance so no need to declare the earnings. Met a friend for coffee. M and I getting on okay. I still feel stable. Mum is 80 today!27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons
31No Reasons
June
MTWTFSS
 1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5(4) Failed another interview. Not that bothered but it just gives M more ammunition to criticise and belittle me with. This is turning into a very strange and strained relationship. Not how I envisaged. Had my second vaccine shot.
(3) Started lady business. M deliberately provokes and tries to get a reaction from me. Mocks my spare tyre. Says pointless stuff just to get a reaction when silence would be much better. Part of me hates being here. I have nowhere else to go. But it shouldn't be this way so soon.
6No Reasons
7No Reasons8(4) I have been offered a job after initially being turned down. These things mess with your confidence and belief in yourself. Anyway, it should be okay and I am sure I can make it my own. M still being an arse. Anyone would think he was the one on a period.9No Reasons10(5) Went round a stately home for free today, thanks to the lottery. Have a headache now so just resting on the bed with some Jakob Ahlbom. Space on my own. New moon vibes.11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons
14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20(6) Haven't posted in a few days. Things might slightly be improving. I start my new job in two weeks and it's helping young people with their mental health so I will be doing something worthwhile. Feel like it will help me turn a corner in my own state of mind. And it's not payroll, hoorah!
21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(5) Need to write down things. Stop procrastination.
28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons