3.8 avg
  1020 days
  5523 hugs
     1No Reasons2(6) Out of the hospital from a serious 5u1c1d3 attempt... Took 750 mg Librium. Activated charcoal is heretofore the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. Feeling better now.
3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons8(3) Using my new Fisher Wallace Stimulator for the 3rd night. So far I feel worse...9No Reasons
10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13(3) I stopped using my Fisher Wallace Stimulator and stopped feeling as deplorable (still feel pretty bad though). I think I'm going to send it back. All it did was give me headaches.14(6) Feeling somewhat chipper this morning but I know it's very short lived. In a matter of minutes to hours I will be back in my dark place again thinking about de@th.15(4) Sent a text if desperation to my psychiatrist. Things are getting worse day by day and I have no control over it.
(0) No response from psychiatrist. No hope. I have some plans that are virtually failproof. If I can help it, I don't plan to be here much longer than it will take to get the supplies I need.
16(5) Feeling semi normal this morning. Managed to fight off quite a lot of depression yesterday. I think Valium had to do with it.
(7) Feeling oddly positive and energetic... Got a response from my psych. ECT is officially off the table with her. I am welcome to get a second opinion..... Continued in comment...
(6) Today was... ACTUALLY a good day. Maybe it's restarting my supplements. Maybe the Fisher Wallace Stimulator is finally working. I don't know... But I'm not complaining!!!
17(2) Good grief could my mood just STOP doing this?18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23(6) Made it to clarinet choir rehearsal yesterday! I felt emotionally spent when I got home though and the depression started setting in again. I took Valium and Stelazine and a quick nap feeling better.
24(2) Feeling pretty gloomy and hopeless, like there's a dark, hazy cloud hanging over me. Every second seems like a agonizing eternity. I know this moment is fleeting but it seems it will be forever.25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
      1(7) Woke up feeling miserable but feeling good so far today. Went to the park with my best friend. The weather was nice and it was nice to get out in the sun. Don't know what I would do without friends.
2(5) I'm okay so far today. Just okay.3(6) Have my first appointment with my rheumatologist early this morning. I have no idea what to expect. But at just I don't feel like a dumpster fire today. Yet...
(8) Got a lot accomplished today (for me). Went to my rheumatologist, got x-rays done, got A LOT of blood taken, went to the post office, went to the pharmacy, and voted. I feel energy glowing inside me!
4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7(3) Feeling like I'm going down again. Pleeease not again!! I can't stand this anymore...8(6) Feeling somewhat okay considering the circumstances.
(7) Well today was a pretty good day thanks to my friend!
9No Reasons10(0) It feels like every social media platform is poison to be. I feel like I need to disconnect my internet, disassemble my computer, and turn my cellphone off and lock it away...11No Reasons12(0) How does every day manage to establish a new all time low?13(0) My body hurts and my brain is burning. It hurts so bad. I wish this would stop. I can't bear this any longer. But i have no way out.14(0) I woke up again.15No Reasons
16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25(0) Why can't people just not care about me so I can end it without feeling guilty?26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons31No Reasons
  1No Reasons2No Reasons3(6) Today was an okay day. I have a new sleep medicine called Doral which is alright. Anxiety is relief up, but I have Serax. I'm finally gaining weight again, unfortunately. I knew the day would come.4No Reasons5(5) Well today was a disappoinment... I cleaned my bathroom though! Yay! Mood is a bit southerly for my liking though.
6No Reasons7(5) Meh. Blah.8No Reasons9No Reasons10(7) Had a crap start to the day and a great finish to the day. Excellent therapy appointment, went on a very energizing walk in the park with a friend, and the protriptyline seems to already to be working11(4) Well crap... Had a good day yesterday and I guess this is the price to pay for it: a crappy day... Oh well. Maybe something will happen between now and tonight to make it better or maybe tomorrow...
(2) Mood headed further south as the night goes on.
12No Reasons
13(2) 14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons
20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26(3) Melancholic, anhedonic, no energy or motivation. My doc wore my Dexedrine for half the amount I normally take for some reason. I'm really feeling the effects.
27No Reasons28(5) If you looked in the dictionary under 'blah day,' you'd see today for me. Lol. It was so quintessentially blah. Could've been worse. My keys are still lost (have been for about a week).29(1) I want my family back. I'm tired of living like this. It's so painful to see my mom and dad interact the way they do. I wish this other guy would get lost forever. I'm so sick of this daily suffering.30No Reasons31No Reasons