6.4 avg
  1609 days
  9954 hugs
  1(3) Had plans to go out. But ended up on bed at 19.20. shitty Nye. Not feeling like a happy New year. Had a total horrid holiday period2(4) Back to work tomorrow. Not ready for it3(5) Back to work and Normal life4(6) 5(7) Chilling at home with an open fire and a glass of wine
6(5) Missing the American. He was supposed to come this weekend, but cancelled the flight. Won't see him till end of month. Feeling down7(6) Interview for part time work. Nervous.8(6)
(7) Went to the theatre, by myself. I wanted to see it and didn't know anyone who wanted to go. It made for a relaxing evening. I should do it more often
9No Reasons10No Reasons11(5) He was supposed to be here this weekend and cancelled the flight. So I've been causing no arguments just because I'm really disappointed.12(7) Spur of the moment ( after prosecco with friend) I booked myself 2 nights away to Madeira next weekend. Shouldn't have spent the money but I need some sun.
13(4) Cramps. Can't sleep due to pain even though I'm totally exhausted
(6) After sleepless night I ended up Sleeping till 3pm.
14No Reasons15(6) Can't face gym. Too exhausted. Didn't get job I wanted. It's a 6 because I'm warm, and I'm looking forward to a nice dinner I'm cooking16(6) No work Available today. Enjoyed a duvet morning. Think an afternoon at the pool / sauna is the plan
(5) Missing the American. Hoping things turn around. Not seeing him till end of month but missing physical contact quite a lot
17(7) 18(8) Volunteer shift today 10 hour. Relaxing at airport hotel before tomorrows 'weekend in the sun'19No Reasons
20(8) Nice to be in a sunny country for a few days21(7) Would recommend Funchal in Madeira. The days were lovely and sunny. I Even braved swimming it the sea. Nights were cold though. Food was great even for a picky veg like me22(7) Back at work. More energised23No Reasons24(6) Tired. Pole class was tough after the break. Seeing the American tomorrow, First time since new year and the arguments25No Reasons26No Reasons
27(7) Nice weekend with the American. Things are improving :)28(7) Cold, tiring, long day.29(6) Long distance dates planned till July. Feel apprehensive as we are spending lots of money as well as committing to this thing. As much as the years I can't afford to lose the money if it fails30No Reasons31No Reasons
     1(8) Going to Manchester with a friend for a party. 5 hour bus trip each way makes for another tiring weekend2(7)
3(6) 4No Reasons5(7) 6(7) Slept in until 1pm7(5) Spent so much this month on credit. :( Work isn't fun, so I booked lots of escapes8No Reasons9(7)
10No Reasons11(8) Weekend starts early. And with a glass of wine12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16(0) Dumped in Venice. Spent night on the street and boat stop. Want to get home and hibernate at best
(5) The kindness of strangers? I'm crying at the airport. A girl went and got me tissues. A guy bought me a bottle of water. I like to think it's kindness, but in reality I'm just making people uncomforta
(2) Long distance will never work for me. I'm needy in a relationship. When I'm devastated I need you to be able to come over and give me the hugs. I want you to want to come over when I'm down.
17(4) Got out of bed for shower. (1st in 48 hours) total sleep since Saturday 9 am is approximately 4.5 hours
(1) 2 friends know what happened Sunday morning / yesterday. However, today no-one called or messaged to ask how I am. I'm not doing well. I want someone to care. I want to call/ text the guy. I'm alone
18(3) Half term week, so will be busy at work. No chance to 'pull a sickie'. considering I've been physically sick and nearly fainted it's not fake.
(4) He tells me I'm twisted and crazy. I'm behaving crazy because I can't leave it alone
(5) Work. Busy day
19(6) Going crazy golf with friends. I love crazy golf20(5) Went to first coda meeting. Was anxious and emotional. Also was startled by everyone shouting up to get a turn21(5) Being needy today22(4) Agreed to call the American after work today. Highly Anxious
(3) Managed to speak to the American. And hear a bit without speaking over him . I couldn't completely stop myself. But I'm kind of happy I managed to speak
(4) For the 1st time I heard before you go by Lewis capaldi. Had to stop driving. I was crying. It touched me that someone could recognise the way I'm feeling. Shame it's not the American telling me
23(5) How do I decide, second chance? Or walk away?
24(4) 25(6)
(6) Coasted at spin, but at least I went
(6) Flatmate was in the bathroom so I had to per in a saucepan ?
26No Reasons27(6) Second Coda meeting. I was looking for reasons not to go, but it would undo the point of going last week. I didn't speak today. But that is fine. I think it will take time to get my thoughts in order28(7) Nice pole class. I finally inverted on my weak side. Couldn't repeat it. But that's fine. Ate a huge dinner
(5) I want to say out loud. I don't like my parents. I don't know how to communicate with them. And they don't with me. I call out of guilt. I would be happy not calling at all
29(5) I've noticed that the coda meetings have made me look at what I want. And that has made me more confrontation and argumentative
      1No Reasons
3(6) 4(7)
(5) Lost motivation to exercise
5(5) Went to bed at 8 last night. Woke at 11 today. No work =no money. Coda meeting is tonight. But I don't really want to go. Read a work journal, Still in bed.6(5) ANGRY. Neighbours builder trespassed on my garden and installed scaffolding. Without my knowledge/consent.7No Reasons8(8) Good visit from the American. Things are a lot better. Then a lovely brunch with a friend. Great weekend
9No Reasons10(6) Still having turf war with the neighbor. But dinner out with a friend, and after a few sleepless nights I should sleep tonight. :)11(7) Happy birthday me ??12(6) Went back to coda tonight. Told them I deliberately missed last week as I didn't want to go. I didn't want to go today either, but I did. By the end of the meeting I feel myself changing13No Reasons14(6) Slept till 17.45. well that was odd. And I'm working tomorrow so bye bye weekend.15No Reasons
16(6) Quiet day at work
(4) Transatlantic relationship on hold. No sex for 4 months? Wow.
17No Reasons18(5) Testing times. Lost work due to closures. I guess it will be time to catch up on rest, and perhaps declutter the lift space? I do hope everyone is safe an well.
(4) Stressed
19(5) Day at home. No work. Still well, so would like to go. The whole concept of I shouldn't go out makes me want to so much more.20No Reasons21(4) So officially I'm not essential key work. But also self-employed. so from today until life kicks back to normal I have no income. Fall between the cracks of government help. Not going to be depressed22(5)
23No Reasons24(5) 25(6) Can't work, not going to be eligible for government help. But I've decided to look for the positive. I've time to exercise, time to cook, and my voluntary job mean I can go outside when others cant26No Reasons27No Reasons28(7) Started practicing gratitude.29No Reasons
30(7) 31(7)
(7) Cooked lovely dinner. Enough for tomorrows shift too. Starting to like the self isolating. Ok I can cheat as my voluntary police job means I can get out legally.
  1(7) 2No Reasons3(7) 4No Reasons5(6)
6(7) Wine delivery is here :)7(9) Started watching 'friends' from the beginning.8(8) Volunteer shift. Cycled 15 miles ( during work) Having a problem with eating. I can't stop.9(5) Was supposed to be on the plane today to see the American. He also has already cancelled one flight so far. And there's going to be more. Feel sad as well as disappointed.10(5) Woke with a headache achieved nothing today. Yesterday I texted an (ex) friend to reconnect. I had long ago changed my number. Felt glad I did11No Reasons12(6) Did some gardening
13(7) Mix of walking and cycling on patrol today. Cooler so less people around. Nice exercise and fresh air. Sympathetic to those that can't enjoy it14(6) More volunteering. 2 days off. Tired15(4) I was mean to the American. I wish he would plan for us to be together. 2 years long distance and now not being able to be together is too much. I'm wrong to put pressure on. But I want to know16(6) Family time on WhatsApp17(7) 18(5) Getting fed up of waking up alone19(5) Haven't spoke with the American in over 10 days. Was planning to catch up this weekend, but it seems like it's not happening
20No Reasons21No Reasons22(6) Decided to take a well-deserved day off from volunteering and gardening. Did a trip to supermarket and spoke to my family. We played online Uno and yahtzee. Somehow it's now 18.23. not feeling relaxed23(8) More achieved today. Some online course Some exercise Some gardening Some talking to the family and neighbor Some sunbathing24(6) Struggling writing gratitude letter for course homework. Enjoying the sun25(1) Don't see the point of carrying on
(3) Tearfulness
26No Reasons
(5) Over the weekend I tried to call the Samaritans I was incredibly low, the wait time was so long I didn't get to speak to anyone. fortunately my friends were somewhat available
28No Reasons29(6) I wrote a gratitude letter to my parents. It was difficult to do. Yesterday I read it to them. It is 400 words long. Yet I was interested twice. Now I get why I struggled with the task30(7)
    1(6) Rain. And got to go out2(8) Nice day. Spoke to the American. Did some research for the course I'm doing. Did Zumba on zoom with a local class. I hope you all are having a good Saturday too. X3(6) It's 13.20 and having trouble getting out of bed.
4(7) Bounced out of bed after yesterday's struggle. Sleep is all over the place. But that's fine. Internet is slooooow5(7) 6(7) When I work out where has the day gone? 1 hour on the phone to the American, 2 and half hours on the phone to parents, 3and-a-half hours on the phone to a good friend I've not spoken to in a few weeks7(7) 8(7) Tried making meringues. It is unsuccessful9(9) Sunny days in garden. Reading about gratitude and feeling good. Will go out on my bike when it cools a little.10No Reasons
11(8) 12(6) Someone stole my number plate. So I couldn't drive to volunteer job. Thankfully jobs with police, so they they recorded it a crime, and I wonder if I could have been hurt in an accident had I driven13(7) 14(7) Waiting in for deliveries and mail redirections. It isn't my birthday. But it feels like it ( I'm expecting 5 parcels) ?
(8) Discovered my blood group. (A+). I've always had dietary oddities. Well I checked out the blood type diet and seems my GUT feelings were mainly correct. Will miss aubergines, peppers and coconut milk
15(5) Started clearing out loft today. Will take a few more days to finish the job. And I hope the bin men will not mind. Binging on Eurovision ready for tomorrow night's show. ?16(7) The loft clearing continues. It's not been too sunny today, despite the forecast. It would be too hot otherwise.
(8) Enjoying the Eurovision TV shows, however I was meant to be in Rotterdam with the American for it this weekend
17No Reasons
18No Reasons19(7) 20(9) The American wants to take the risk of travelling to UK to see me??????21(5) F....d up a job application that I thought was guaranteed. Please keep all panda paws and human fingers and toes crossed that I can recover this22(8) Cycled all the way to central London. To meet a friend for her socially distanced birthday drink23(8) I'm thankful for another beautiful morning24(9) The. American still things you can come here on Friday. I can't wait to touch him
25No Reasons26(7) I'm getting tanned. :)27(6) Last 2 days I've been lazy. Little to do. Still not heard about job.28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31(8) The American came over. We had 2 great days together. Drove back to airport earlier. Score was 9 over weekend. Don't know how much to say to (volunteer) work. Or just isolate for 2weeks. Was worth it
1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(7) Haven't posted on here for a while. This week flew by. Can't believe the American only left on Sunday. That feels ages ago. Few dreams about work. Might be back on 15 but still don't know for sure.7(8) I recently got in touch with a girl I fell out with. She came over tonight and we had a lovely time. Like the last 5 years passed in a blink of an eye
8No Reasons9(6) Been waking with back/ neck pains10No Reasons11No Reasons12(6) Pain still in neck/ shoulder
(7) Decided I'm going to have to rent out my spare room again. I'm ok with it, although it will be odd as I'm going to not be working and will be home
(3) When you are reprimanded like a child by a peer. you don't know them, but they judge you and make you feel crap.
13(5) Friend cancelled meeting today which was fine as I wanted only to sleep. Falling into a bit of depression. Recognise it. I hadn't washed my hair in 10 days. Not exercising. Getting Chubby14(6) Prosecco in the sun earlier. Feel completely wiped out
15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18(7) 19No Reasons20(8) Expecting friends over for a BBQ and catch up in the garden21(7)
22(7) Walked loads on the shift. Physically exhausted. Some wine. Epson salt bath. Sleep and repeat tomorrow. Got dreams of a future23(7) Another tiring shift (volunteer) enjoyable but the heat and physical exertion is too much. Looking forward to a few days rest24No Reasons25(7)
(8) Another cold bath to help me relax, cool me and hope soothing to my muscles
26(7) Cycled to Hyde park to have prosecco with friends. The bike ride was fab. And so was the company27(9) Drove to Brighton with newly reconciled friend. Wasn't hot enough today for a paddle in the sea. But it was a great day28No Reasons
29(5) My back went yesterday. Pain and discomfort :(30No Reasons
 1(7) 2(6) Today just vanished. I didn't get a lie in. I didn't do my online course. I didn't get to the gym. I only watched 2 hours of tv. Whare did it go?3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(5) Feeling my feelings are reaching the end of the road. Feel disassociated
7No Reasons8(7) 9(6) Forgot the time of my gym class and missed it. :( Haven't been over a week, and am away this weekend. Might be blacklisted, but also angry with myself10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons
14(7) 15No Reasons16No Reasons17(5) Aware I've not updated in mood panda or my gratitude diary lately. Also lacking energy18No Reasons19No Reasons20(4) Down about lack of energy, relationship break up , work. , Weight. Can't change the mindset at the moment
21No Reasons22No Reasons23(5) The American is coming to UK. Not to me. That's fine. We will meet to swap our belongings. I'm ambivalent. Feels like a dead relative. That I enjoyed, but long ago, that It doesn't make me sad now24No Reasons25(4) It's a low one, but I know it won't last. I don't think I will meet him this weekend, I don't need my things back that badly. It is better I hang out with my friends. Aqua aerobics was good26No Reasons27(5) A Low 5
(5) So, although he was in London I didn't see him as he didn't bring me my things. I also want to give his things back. What is the point in dragging it out. It's painful and will be another month now
28(4) I want to hibernate. Had a 4 day weekend off from work. Originally so I could see him. I could have done some garden work. But instead I stay in bed and avoid people. Feel lonely, and miss him.29(5) 30(5) It's 10.30 I'm showered, but back in bed. I guess it's improvement on my last few days off.
   1No Reasons2(6) 3No Reasons4(5) Waking up in the night. Not feeling great physically or mentally
(4) Feeling neglected. I planned today around family time (online) but no-one was available
5No Reasons6(5) Still brooding over failed relationship. I had such false expectations that he was the one. I'm disappointed, and always find endings tough. It's hard to let go and stop thinking about him7(4) So close to tears all the time8(5) Tomorrow will be 3 years since my 1st date with The American. Nostalgic and sad.9No Reasons10(6)
(7) Met with friends today who I hadn't seen for a while because of covid and I could talk to without judgement on him or me. Most of my friends are biased. That is why I particularly love this couple.
(8) My favourite band had to postpone a concert I had tickets to. As recuperence they have posted various past gigs from 1993 - 2018 on YouTube weekly, brightening my Fridays. #Suede
11(6) Been digging the garden. Otherwise I lie in bed missing him. I'm grateful my back is healthy. I've a couple of days until I'm finished
12(8) Pole class tonight. :)13No Reasons14(6) Tried to achieve stuff. But unsuccessful. Why do shops say stuff is in store when not. Long drive for nothing. Made nice food.15(7) Shared dinner and drinks with flatmate. Above way to spend the evening, and only 1 more day of work to get through before the weekend.16No Reasons17(7) Last night drinks with flatmate, today gardening and tonight zoom drinks with friends. I'm looking forward to the day off tomorrow ??18(7) Joined a dating website. The attention is good.
19(5) Feel somewhat lonely20(3) All of me aches. Internal and external. Exhausted. I think I finally realised it's over, but all I want is a call from him.21(7) Decided no more crying myself to sleep. Corner turned.22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25(5) But another bump. I know things will get better, but it's so tough right now
26(4) 2 steps back. It's ok. I know I won't feel bad forever27(6) Faced work. Really wanted to call in sick. But I made it in28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons