5 avg
  1469 days
  14390 hugs
  363 followers
January
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Not a bad day. Cooked a nice meal last night and watched a movie and went to bed. Today, ran around the bay (13.5 miles, it's a tradition), then a few beers with a 'friend', now my radio show.
(4) I wanted to share this song because it fit me so well today and it's so beautiful, but no one cares on FB, and I'm trying to stay off it. I feel so alone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMiFPHWQ5Yw
2(4) Rough night's sleep, so struggling this morning. Made mistake of letting on to parents in email how low I've been and got the whole 'buck up' and 'pray on it' response. Sigh. Crappy second Monday.3(4) Been fighting a cold for a few days. Everyone at work is sick. It finally sunk in yesterday. Feeling bleary and gross today. Going to be a long day...4(5) Gonna give this morning a 5 despite the annoying cold. Good run last night. Leg still sore but maybe a bit better. Trying hard to stay off Facebook. Trying hard to be stronger in the new year.5(5) Cold really messing me up. Skipped my run this morning. Laid around and done very little, other than laundry and de-Christmasifying the house. Bored...6No Reasons
7(4) Almost no sleep last night due to this stupid cold. Called in sick today. Really don't want to spend another day on couch but head so bleary. Ugh. Have to run tonight too...8(5) Feeling a bit better today, though now I have a cough that hurts my throat. Dog hurt his paw yesterday and has me worried. I accidentally brushed it when wiping his paws off this AM. Aww :(9(4) Cold still nagging. Taking dog to vet this morning to see about his paw. Feeling stress and anxiety this morning...
(4) Poor dog. Have to leave him in a cone whenever I'm not with him (all day, all night). Have to soak his sore foot for 10 mins (right!). Have to keep him from being active. Ugh, I mean poor me!
10(4) Poor, pathetic dog trying to sleep in his cone last night, kept whining, wouldn't let me sleep. Bunch of snow last night and so cold today! Going to be a hard, long day.11(4) Beer dinner last night. Food and drink were good, but feeling very gross this morning. Part of it is how alone I felt. Didn't feel a part of these people, they're not my friends.12No Reasons13(5) Ran 6 miles yesterday, 5 this morning, all on icy trails, 15F both days. Super cold, my body not in the shape I was, lungs hurt from my cold. But felt good to move and get outside.
14(5) Not bad this morning. Feeling encouraged that leg doesn't hurt much after running Sat and Sun. Cold still nagging but better. Nice to see some improvement in things. Solid 5.5 today, I think.15(5) Last night's group run was nice. Extremely grateful my leg is feeling better. Ran 3 days in a row, and it's sore but not as bad as it was! Super cold again today. Poor night's sleep.16(4) Was so tired last night, radio show was a slog. Just wanted to sleep. Really anxious today, making me feel jittery and ill. Managed 3 miles on treadmill this morning. Ugh, feel like it's a rough day.17(5) I've been so tired in the evenings this week. Last night, just wanted to relax, and dog was frantic. Exhausting. But feeling ok this morning. Run tonight and hopefully with people Saturday morning...18(5) Cold run last night. Struggling to get my miles back up again; feeling behind on training already! And January is barely 1/2 over. Big storm coming this weekend. Gonna be a lot of shoveling. Tired.19No Reasons20(5) Relaxing weekend. Tough run in the snow Saturday morning, then groceries, and haven't left the house since. Nearly 2 feet of snow. Didn't do much, just watched TV. Tomorrow off too. Quiet weekend.
21No Reasons22(5) Relaxing 3-day weekend. Tons of snow and super cold. Ran with my group last night for 2 measly miles. So bitterly cold! Trying to up treadmill. Loads of work stress to greet me today. sigh.23(5) Feeling pretty good physically this morning. Doing guided meditation on stress, and it said to think about the emotion behind stress. I think immediately of sadness or loneliness, but that's not...24(5) Work stress. This project went from me helping out to me responsible for everything. Trying to keep it in perspective, but that won't last long I'm sure. Rainy today, at least roads got clear.25(5) Cold, icy run last night. Ran with a nice woman who unfortunately left after. Oh well. Loads of work stuff today and this weekend. Frustrating. Really tired today...26No Reasons27No Reasons
28(4) Rough weekend. Yesterday, I felt so tired and out of it all day. Hardly did anything. Thought I was getting sick again, but feeling better today. It's been so cold and icy. Really tough 7 miles...29(4) Headache this morning, plus work stress. Last night's run was so cold and icy! Got annoyed when person I was talking to turned away to talk to someone else while I was talking. That drives me nuts!30(4) So tired during radio show last night. Barely got home from work and had dinner before had to go to show. Poor lonely dog. Going to be alone for big game this weekend. First time since college.31(5) Bitter cold today. -25F (-32C) wind chill. Not as bad as Midwest, though. Thankful for heat. Drive in was so chilling. Made healthy dinner last night but had terrible heartburn after.
February
MTWTFSS
    1(4) Still cold here, but up to 10F (-12C). Not looking fwd to the weekend really. Felt really lonely yesterday, mood got very low. Feb is a hard month for me (tho last year was warmer than March).2No Reasons3(6) Yesterday's 10-mile trail run in 15F weather was brutal. Today, ran 6 in 30F, and it was beautiful and felt great. Now over 40. Warm up is good for the soul! Lots to do that don't feel like doing...
(1) Fuck loneliness and needing people.
4(3) Last night was tough. Toughest time in a long time. I feel emotionally hung over this morning. Lots of bad thoughts. Slept horribly. Work stress builds. Going to be a rough day.5(4) Felt good to run in shorts last night and this morning, but weather will start getting cold again today. Group run last night was nice. Still feeling low and adrift.
(3) When I was in such a bad place Sunday, I texted an old friend, thinking he'd understand (even though we haven't talked in ages). He finally responded and was totally flippant. Not at all ...
6(3) Last week, talked to my neighbor (former friend) and had plans to watch game at a sports bar. He texted he was going to his gf's house instead and ditched me. That was last straw...7(4) Relaxing evening last night. Neighbor asked if I wanted to get dinner or beer, said no. I am not a friend of convenience, and I don't need him. Work stress is getting me down. Neck/shoulders sore...8(5) Run in the rain last night. Wasn't super social after, but glad I got out there. Nothing to do this weekend...Not really looking forward to the weekend (but glad not at work)...9(5) Wanted to run 12-14 miles, but it was brutally cold and so icy. Even my spikes weren't much help. Stopped at 9.5. Nothing to do rest of weekend. Waiting hours for car at shop. Boring.
(5) Haven't looked at my FB feed in a week (still use it for music and running groups). Happy I don't know what my 'friends' are doing.
10(5) Forced myself to go out and run this morning. Still so cold and icy, but at least Sun was out. Got another 6.5 trails for 36 miles this week. Gotta get those miles up! Now recovery beer!
11(3) Another crap end to the weekend. Found myself stuck in sadness and bitterness. So happy this time of year it gets dark early so I can go to bed and shut out everything. I hate being in this bad place.12(4) Working at home today to avoid icy commute (which didn't really happen). Actually have to do a lot of work. Ugh. Skipping radio show this week. Didn't prep for it, feeling a need to hibernate.13(4) Leg hurting this morning, only did 3 miles. Feeling really sluggish, and work anxiety high. Tired of winter and being cold all the time...14(4) Happy made-up-Hallmark holiday. I'm wearing all black today in protest. If anyone is lonely or needs someone, I'll be there any other day of the year. I hope I get chocolate somehow though...15(3) Really tough morning. Feeling anxious and sad and short on patience. Going to be a tough day... I don't know why I feel this way. Last night was...ok. Group run was meh...rough conditions...16No Reasons17(2) Another crappy weekend. Friday, I felt crappy emotionally, so I ate crappy food, and Saturday I felt crappy physically. A horrible run. Today is lonely. So cold out. Tired of everything being crappy.
18(5) Day off today. I really should be working this weekend. I have a presentation that has to be done tomorrow, and prob can't finish it tmrw. But I wanted the holiday. So didn't do much at all. Blah.19(4) Going to be a long, stressful day. Conference call from 9-5 with no clear indication of what I'm supposed to do, but I'm supposed to lead it! Come on... Hate this stuff.20(3) Yesterday was a long, tiring day. Felt ok this morning but couldn't do my run on the treadmill. Just couldn't. Already feeling like today is wasted, and I have so much work stuff to get done. Ugh.21(3) Another all-day client call that I have to lead. Should be easier than Tues but still stressful and exhausting. Then hurry home to let dog out before going to run. Poor dog all alone all day.
(3) Today sucked. Left work late so skipped my group run. Food and beer instead. Ugh. So tired and think I'm getting sick. 40 hours, and Monday was a holiday. Sigh.
22(3) Another poor night's sleep (weird dreams!), and fighting another cold now. Tons of work to do, so prob won't be able to leave work early. No plans this weekend. Don't feel like running or anything.23(3) Sick this morning with a cold so skipped running. Relaxed. Got stuff done around the house. Actively avoiding chores like groceries and cleaning. This week has sucked enough.24No Reasons
25(4) Crummy weekend. Didn't really do anything, including run. But feeling a bit better, and this week shouldn't be as stressful (I hope), though I have a lot to do.26(5) Headache this morning, and work stress building again. But ran a few miles last night with group (so cold and windy!), and a few treadmill miles this morning. Trying to get back at it.27(5) Went out for beers with my neighbor for first time in a long time. Wanted to remain aloof, to not need this friendship anymore since he clearly doesn't. But it felt like old times. It was fun...
(6) Just got approval at work to book a week in Florida. I didn't think I'd be able to go this year! So excited to have something to look forward to! Weather better be hot, dammit!
28(4) So tired this morning. Another 10 inches of snow yesterday. Have to run tonight in it. It's barely 20F. So tired of cold. And work demands are unrealistic...
March
MTWTFSS
    1(4) A year ago today, my neighbor and friend took her own life. My close friendship with her husband hasn't been the same. I think about her a lot, she was a lot like me I think.2No Reasons3No Reasons
4(3) Poor night's sleep. High anxiety last night and this morning. So tired of the relentless cold. Did nothing yesterday except eat crap, now feeling guilty and gross. Ugh.5(5) Very tired yesterday, but day ended up being alright. Cold run last night, then slept better (though lot of dreams). Looking forward to trip to Florida in a few weeks!6(5) Felt a sense of calm and peace yesterday evening. It was so pleasant, I wanted to just sit there and rest in it. A bit of anxiety again this morning. Snow is falling. It's so cold.7(4) Got my new phone yesterday, and it was a real pain to get it activated. So annoying. Feel very tired this morning, and anxiety is much higher. Work stress building again. Eager for week to be over.8(5) Good run last night, but boy was it cold! Ate too much after and didn't sleep great. Boss is away today, so hopefully easy-ish day. Another boring, lonely weekend ahead...9No Reasons10No Reasons
11(5) Ok weekend. Ate and drank too much. Didn't run yesterday but started packing for Florida. Feeling gross this morning and so tired. Work stress again.12(4) Was in a bad mood last night. The group run helped. But just felt like stupid little things were piling up. Checked weather in Florida for next week - after weeks of sun and heat, it's supposed...13(5) Relaxing Tuesday evening. Relishing those free evenings after 3 years of doing my radio show every Tuesday. Working at home today. Quiet, but have a lot of work stuff to get done.14(3) Feeling low today. Lonely, unhappy, lost, disappointed in myself. Also anxiety and stress. One leads to the other. Want this week to be over! Want to just feel better for a while...15(5) Scavenger hunt run yesterday evening was fun. Warmer temps yesterday helped. Come in to work, last day before vacation, and stress/anxiety rush back. Really need a good, relaxing week off...16No Reasons17(6) Not warm and sunny in Florida, but nice to be away. Slept in, had a nice big breakfast, 8 mile run, and going to listen to music/drink beer later. Trying to remind myself to really relax.
18(6) Went to a Florida park and took a glass-bottom boat ride. Sun came out, and it was beautiful for a while. Saw a gator real close. Had delicious ribs for dinner. Pretty nice day.19(6) Rainy, dreary day in Florida today. Did my run in the morning and hit a brewery this afternoon. Rather boring, but that's OK.20(6) Better weather today. Had some sun and warmer temps. Went to a local zoo, which was quite nice, and hit a few breweries. Tomorrow is airboat ride!21No Reasons22(6) Last day in Florida. Sat on the beach in the warm sunshine and enjoyed the pretty girls. Ate the best and freshest peel-and-eat shrimp. Enjoyed a beautiful day. Sorry to be going back to normal life.23No Reasons24(6) Milking today as a last day of vacation, despite being home in the much colder climate. Happy to have my dog back with me. Hoping to carry a positive attitude back into normal, mundane life.
25(6) Back to work, back to the cold weather. Hard to believe vacation has come and gone so quickly when normal days go by so slowly. Still, the sun is shining, and I enjoyed last week. Feeling ok.26(6) Yesterday was a pretty good day (for a Monday too!). Went to bed feeling gratitude. So cold this morning, but sunny still. Rain coming this week. Feeling mostly ok.27(6) Yesterday was fine. Relaxing evening. Played a bunch with dog, and he slept in my room, which is always nice. Still cold here, but supposed to get warmer. Can use the nicer temps.28(5) Going to be a busy and stressful work day today. Planning my long run for Saturday. Want to get excited about running again. Know a guy doing a crazy race this weekend. Yikes!29(5) Nice group run last evening in warmer weather. Getting colder and rainy/snowy again this weekend though. Sigh. No weekend plans, but that's ok. I'll run and clean and maybe do my taxes. (ugh!)30(5) I should be doing my taxes. Or at least getting groceries and cleaning the house. But after running 15 miles in the wet trails, all I want to do is sit for a while and maybe drink beers. Sigh...31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
1(4) Ate and drank way too much yesterday. Stomach has been off all weekend. Didn't do my taxes. A couple inches of snow this morning (it's April, dammit!). Have a busy work week. Crummy Monday all around.2(5) Yesterday was ok. Good run last night. Couldn't run on treadmill this AM - leg hurt, too tired. So did walk at incline (hill work). Better than nothing. Today/tomorrow will be very stressful at work.3(4) Weird dreams last night. Busy, stressful day today. Training all morning, meetings with client all afternoon, home to dog late. Ugh. Eager for today to be over. Getting cold again. :/4(5) Yesterday went ok, even though it was stressful. Wasn't even needed on client call I stressed so much about. Today will be calmer. Slept in this morning instead of running. Felt good, but guilty.5(5) My dog gets very anxious, particularly when he sees other dogs. I try to comfort him by saying 'it's ok' over and over. It seems to work sometimes. I often wish I had someone to say 'it's ok' to me.6No Reasons7No Reasons
8(5) Beer/dinner last night - so much food and drinking, slept badly and feeling crummy this morning. Own fault, though. Overindulged all weekend, so rough Monday morning...9(5) Yesterday was a hard day. Trying really hard to be more positive and keep out of my depressive funk, but it gets harder and harder as days go by. I feel so out of shape and old and tired...10(4) Rough night. Woke at 2am w/ chest hurting. Felt like I strained a muscle or something. Still hurts this morning. Maybe slept on it weird or twisted? A little scary...11(5) Well, yesterday sucked. Felt achy and out of sorts all day. I think I may have been/currently are fighting something. Slept well last night and feeling better this morning. Weird...12(4) Feeling myself slipping as I get immersed back into normal life routine. I was doing better after vacation, but falling back. I don't want this depression and loneliness.13(4) Today was beautiful and spring-like, but it wasn't a good day. Only ran 5 miles. Feeling low. Tired. Think I'll call the Dr Monday. Feel off. Maybe just in my head...14No Reasons
15(4) Crummy weekend. Did virtually nothing yesterday. And now it's Monday, with a lot of work coming up and more crummy weather. Have to get up courage to call doctor...16(4) Part of the reason I didn't want to go to Dr. - waste so much time, get $150 bill, all for him to order blood tests so I can pay for those and follow-up visit. Checking lots of stuff and for lyme.17(5) Busy work day. Weather improving a bit today/tomorrow, then rain just in time for my first big trail race of the year this Sat. Not even sure if I'm ready for it. Sigh.18(5) Beautiful weather for last night's group trail run. Felt great out there on dry trails for first time in ages. Was so nice to feel good running. Beer dinner tonight should be fun, I hope.
(5) My tests came back negative. No lyme, which is good. But of course, now the problem is figuring out why I've felt so crummy. Is it all in my head? At least if it was something, I could be treated...
19(5) Beer dinner last night was delicious with good company, but food was super rich, and I'm feeling ill this morning. Dog wouldn't let me sleep past 3ish. Race tomorrow, supposed to rain. Blah.20(6) So I finished the race. It's a really hard one, made so much harder by the amount of rain we had and the thick mud and running through the fog/mist. But I did ok, not as good as last year, but...21No Reasons
22(5) Lazy Sunday, just ate and drank way too much and watched TV. Used holiday as excuse. It was fine to be alone. But feeling gross from all that over-indulging. And it's Monday. Blech.23(5) Had a nice group run last night in beautiful weather. This morning, neighbor/friend let me down yet again, and mood plummets. If he bails on our team for relay on Sunday, there's no forgiving...24(5) Felt low yesterday, lonely, sluggish again, and as always I respond by eating crap to feel better (and later worse). Sigh. Today will be better, I hope. Lots of work, plus trail run later.25(5) Nice trail run yesterday after work. But feeling anxious and stressed this morning. Don't know why. Big relay race this weekend, and weather supposed to be cold and rainy. Sigh. Can't luck out.26(5) Weather turned nice for last evening's run, but Sunday is now showing cold and snowy. Crazy for end of April. This is a fun team relay event, all about socializing and spending a fun day with people..27No Reasons28No Reasons
29(6) Yesterday's relay race was very fun. Miserable weather (until the PM, but still cool), but that's ok. We ran and joked and ate and had fun. Such a long day. Very tired today.30(4) Not feeling good today. Stomach is off, I think. Hope it will go away soon. I have a lot of work to do but no motivation.
May
MTWTFSS
  1(5) Feeling better. Needed sleep. Always need sleep lately. More rain again. I can't remember more than a few hours of decent weather. I guess this is life now. Loads of work I should be doing...Ugh.2(3) Follow up with doctor today. All my tests were normal, and he had no idea what to do. I had to bring up depression, so of course he prescribed something. My physical issues might be linked...3(5) For my US friends who have seen a therapist/psych, how do you find one? You can't exactly ask friends or coworkers for rec's. My dr is no help. Insurance just shows me names. How would I find someone?4No Reasons5No Reasons
6(5) Again, I ate and drank way too much this weekend. Ran 15 miles on muddy trails on Sat. but nothing Sunday. I did volunteer at a race though. Otherwise, lonely weekend, but ok I guess.7(5) Beautiful weather yesterday. Fun group run with beers after on the rooftop deck of the bar. Back to cool and rain for next week. Felt good last night, feel crappy this morning. Sigh...8(5) Feeling ok this morning. Dog had me up really early, but didn't mind. To work early. Running trails tonight, hoping rain holds off. Really should have done more cleaning b4 parents come up...9(5) Fun trail race last night. Did better than I expected for how I've been feeling. Didn't sleep well last night, and dog isn't feeling well. So tired today, and rain coming this PM. Oh well.10(5) Fun run in the rain yesterday. Parents coming up this weekend. Will be nice to see them and have people around, but the guilt trips from my mother are so hard to take. I end up feeling horrible...11No Reasons12No Reasons
13(5) Weekend was ok. Parents didn't overly guilt trip me! Saturday was nice, so did a short run and got lots of yardwork done. Sunday was more cold and rain. Did nothing all day. Lazy, felt worthless...14(4) Had a good group run in the cold rain last night and enjoyed socializing, but came home and almost cried, I felt so lonely and weak. Carrying over today. Google won't let me log in, can't find pw.15(5) Tuesday is supposed to be my off night, to relax and eat a healthy dinner. But saw my neighbor (former good friend, who I wrote about here often), and he suggested dinner and beer out...16(5) Almost didn't go to trail run last night. Was pouring rain. But went anyway, and a good crowd turned up. Was fun. I love running trails. Super muddy, and poor night's sleep, so feeling a bit off 2day.17(6) Feeling ok today. Stopped raining, which is nice. Going to attempt a long run tomorrow by myself to see if I have those kind of miles in me. Nice group run yesterday...18(3) Everything has passed me by. Not sure where I am or what I have left.19No Reasons
20(4) Lonely weekend. Pretty low Sat. night. Ran, but couldn't do enough to have confidence in June races. Frustrating...I used to be good at that. Feeling crummy this AM. Tired and sad.21(4) Back to Dr. today for follow-up. Will pay another $185 and wait another 45 mins past appt time to be told to keep doing what I'm doing and he'll see me in 3 months. And nothing changes.22(5) OK I guess today. Weather getting warmer and not every-day rain finally. Work is very tedious. Nothing interesting to say.23(5) Feeling anxious. Jaw hurts from clenching it. Not sure why...didn't sleep well last night. Today will be a long day. Looking forward to beer dinner tonight though!24(5) Beer dinner was fun last night and delicious. Of course, drank and ate too much. Slept poorly and bit of a hangover. Busy 3-day weekend of painting ahead. Work stress today...25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28(6) Kitchen is done - cleaned and repainted and looks nice. Unfortunately, I don't like the wall color. Will probably re-paint it, but that was the easy part. Have new floors and cabinets and everything..29(5) Yesterday was a long day... Feel bad for dog who's still limping with sore leg. But I think a bit better than Monday. More rain again...we're having horrible flooding. Will be a muddy trail run tonite30(5) Rain stopped before yesterday's run. Felt good out there. I love the trails. Stomach was messed up yesterday though. Too much this past weekend? Work about to get very stressful with new project!31(5) Last night's run was ok. Struggled though. Sorta socialized after. Felt lonely and sad and out of sorts all day. Poor night's sleep but nice dream. Still feeling sad today...
(6) Sitting at my favorite bar (with my favorite bartender), enjoying a good beer on a sunny Friday afternoon. Trying to just relax and enjoy the moment and not stress over things.
June
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2No Reasons
3(4) Lonely weekend. Drank a lot, ate a lot, always feel bad about that come Monday. Work stress building for big project. Big race this weekend. Feeling stressed and anxious and blah.4(4) 5(5) Low, nagging headache all day yesterday, last night, and now this morning. Weather changing a lot. May not run trails tonight if raining. Feeling lonely this week, but had nice text last night...6(4) Rain and cold yesterday, so skipped trail run. In typical self-destructive manner, i went and ate junk and drank beer instead. Jaw's been sore, which is sign of anxiety and clenching. Feel low...7(5) Stomach ache last night and this morning, perhaps from the pizza for dinner after run last night? Lay awake worrying about it impacting my race tomorrow. Stressed but excited...pre-race jitters!8No Reasons9(5) Rolled my ankle at mile 4 and again at mile 10 yesterday, so easy decision to stop at the half marathon. Feel disappointed in myself for not being able to do the full, but at least good excuse.
10(5) Sore this morning. Lot of work stress upcoming that I put off last week. Still feeling lonely after Saturday's fun day. As always, Monday morning regrets of all the food and beer this weekend. Blah.11(5) Ominous, dreary weather. Almost night-time dark. Feeling anxious and...off, I guess? Maybe it's the weather or something, I don't know. Could just be Tuesday.12(5) Sunshine today will be nice...rain again tomorrow. Felt really lazy yesterday after work. I used to have more motivation and energy. Work stress is building; hoping not being set up for failure again.13(5) Dinner with a running friend last night was nice, but stomach acted up all night. Feeling pretty icky this morning. Will try to run on sore ankle tonight (in rain). Work stress...14(5) Ran last night in torrential downpour (and had to shelter during lightning). Not the most fun, but it was ok. Parents up again this weekend for Father's Day. Sigh. Friend's reception tomorrow evening.15No Reasons16No Reasons
17(5) Fighting something...throat is a mess, and stomach was off all day yesterday. Taking a sick day today. Not a bad weekend, I guess. Parents were fine. Reception was awkward but ok I guess.18(4) Still not feeling well. Have to train for 4 hours today with content I don't really know. Ugh, will be hard with cough and sore throat. Did go to run last night, but did easy 3 miles...19(4) Still not feeling well. Was awake 3 hours last night coughing. Cough better this morning, but stomach upset. Have training to do. :( Going to be a long day...20(5) Trail run last night was nice, though my leg hurts in unusual places. Rain-out today, so prob won't run tonight. Cold still nagging me...really want to feel better by Sat so I can run this race!21(4) Middle of the night panic attack. Dog woke me up at 3:15 and kept bothering me. Still not feeling very good. Constant rain means race tomorrow will be mud slog. Considering not going... Blah.22No Reasons23(4) Short version: I didn't finish my race yesterday. Got 20 miles in and dropped (40 mile race). Long version in comments.
24(4) Tired and feeling empty.25(4) Stomach hurts. More rain. Tired and stressed.26(5) Thinking a lot about suffering. As humans, we all suffer - physically, mentally, emotionally. We evolved by avoiding suffering. Our brains tell us to seek comfort, leisure, ease. (more)27(5) Still thinking about suffering. During an ultramarathon, I always end up in what I call a 'suffer cluster': a group of people around me in the race who suffer as much as I do...28(6) Hot run last night. Felt great at start but ended up walking much of last mile. Ugh. But socializing after was fun, and won a pair of sunglasses! Going to run with old training partner tmrw.
(7) Well, I won sunglasses yesterday and a tech shirt from stillirun (mental health running community) today. And now having beers at my favorite bar. Pretty good!
29No Reasons30No Reasons
July
MTWTFSS
1(6) Pretty nice weekend. Ate and drank way too much (and feeling it today), despite planning to be better. Oh well. Hit a brewery with a friend yesterday, which was fun. 4-day week this week.2(6) It's so much easier to mentally list all the things that are wrong. But that's just perspective spawning from depression. Actually, right now, I feel pretty good (physically) and improving (mentally).3(4) Anxiety is high today. Hard to focus on work with so many people off for tomorrow's holiday. I don't like holidays. Still hot and sweaty from this morning's run, feel gross. Blah.4(5) Another holiday. Enjoyed helping organize the town race this AM. Now killing time before going to 4th party I don't really want to go to but don't want to be alone all day. I hate holidays.5(3) What a miserable day. So hung over, and nowdays hangovers hit me so horribly. Nearly 12 hours of headache and getting sick. And I didn't think I drank that much yesterday, plus plenty of water.6No Reasons7No Reasons
8(5) Lonely weekend. Didn't really feel right again until Sunday. Did a lot of yard/housework on Saturday, finally ran again Sunday. One more ok week at work before it gets crazy for 6-8 weeks. Ugh.9(6) Last night's run was quite fun. Hot four miles, but fun hanging out on the roof drinking a few beers and planning my running group's 2-year anniversary. Very thankful for this group!10(5) Enjoyed a delicious BBQ & beer dinner on the rooftop yesterday with some folks. Feeling rather gross this morning but not too bad. Anxiety is high today. Maybe the hot, heavy weather?11(5) It's really hot and humid this week. Didn't sleep well last night, but had a cool movie-like dream (even starred an actor from Friends, oddly enough). Hot hill repeats last night and 3 mi this AM.12(5) Another poor night's sleep. Maybe it's the AC? Feel an impending/imposing dread/anxiety. I hate that... Busy weekend, with a race on Sunday. Should be fun, I hope!13No Reasons14No Reasons
15(5) Yesterday was fun. Long day (up at 3:30). 15k race was fun. 15,000+ people running plus thousands of cheerers. Big party at the end. But today I'm exhausted and stressed for work this week. Blah Mon.16No Reasons17(5) Too distracted this week, not getting work stuff done. Rainy weather today, and woke with a nasty headache. Going to be a long day.18(4) Up too late and dog had me up at 4 am due to howling at some animal outside or something. Tired. Didn't run last night (excuses in comments), so ate badly instead. Feeling really pretty low today.19(4) Miserable run last night. Too hot, had a side cramp or stitch. Barely got 3 miles. No one in the group I knew to talk to. Made me feel sad. Couldn't sleep, up way too late, too early this AM. Ugh.20No Reasons21No Reasons
22(3) What a crummy weekend. Didn't run at all...first time in a long time. Unbearably hot Saturday, and couldn't do it Sunday. Feel really gross, and dr appt in an hour. Stressful week ahead. Ugh.23(5) Four miles last evening with my group and three this morning. Trying to get my miles up again. Up too late last night. Really stressing over work and work I'm not doing...24No Reasons25(4) Dog had me up at 2am and then at 4. Starting the day so tired and bleary. So much work I should be doing but am not...it's untangible stuff...not sure how to tackle it, so avoiding.26(5) Nice hot run last night. Got told I looked no older than 30, which made me feel good. Lazy summer weekend ahead. Hoping to leave work early for the bar. Really tired this morning...27No Reasons28No Reasons
29(5) Strained a muscle running on Saturday, and it really hurts. Two-year anniversary for the running group I started is tonight; hope we get a good crowd. Going to be a very stressful work week...30(5) 2-year anniversary of my Monday running group. Had at least 35 people turn out, which was so great! A fun evening. Now super stressful rest of week...Leg still hurts too. Ugh.31(5) Met some friends I haven't seen since Xmas for dinner last night and a bourbon after at their place. So glad I went. I wouldn't have in the last few months of depression. Was nice, though...
August
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Finally got a better night's sleep last night. Leg still hurts, which has me worried. More training...talking for 6 hours is hard...2(5) Leg still hurts. Haven't run all week. Stomach feels off. Supposed to do relay event this weekend (noon tomorrow through like 4am Sunday). Which means no good sleep, tho should be fun. I'm tired.3No Reasons4No Reasons
5(6) Fun weekend. Camping/relay run (3 runs about 5 hours apart on trails) meant no sleep but lots of talk and silliness. Slept hard last night, still tired, but feeling ok. Long week ahead at work.6No Reasons7(4) Tossed and turned for hours last night. Dozens of bug bites from Sat itched/hurt so bad I could barely stand it. Tough week again this week. Rain again. Feeling low and anxious.8(5) Ran trails with a group last night and beers along the canal after. Beautiful young runner woman asked about my Still I Run shirt. Leg feeling much better this week! Work quite stressful.9(6) Nice run along the canal yesterday and a few good beers and good talk with people. Felt the perfect content balance of beer buzz and socializing rest of night. Honestly felt pretty good!10No Reasons11No Reasons
12(4) Poor night's sleep. Too much bad food and beer this past weekend. Another long week ahead. Feeling anxiety building on top of typical Monday morning blahs. Feeling a little lost.
(3) I just want to talk sometimes. I have things to say, and other people talk. But it's important for the universe to remind me than not a single person cares about me or anything I have to say.
13(2) 14(4) Stomach not feeling well. Work stress is high. Not having a good week.15(4) Beautiful day yesterday. Planned to go run trails after work. But got home and was so tired and stressed from work, I went and drank beer instead. Now guilt, of course. This week has sucked.16(5) Going to volunteer tomorrow at the 100k race I did last year. Will be nice to help out, and eager to see some friends running it. Really tired today. Last night's run hurt my knee. Sick of work...17(4) Volunteering at the big race I ran last year. Feeling so alone. Waiting on the buy who paced me last year to finish, but why? I'm so tired and have 1.5 hour drive home. And no one cares I'm here.18(2) This has been a really bad week for me. I feel like all the positives of getting out of this depressive period have been reversed, and it's all the worse for falling further. Emotionally hungover.
19(4) New week. Have to put last week behind me. I know work will be stressful for another month. Have to get through. Feeling very tired and mentally and emotionally weak today. Maybe its just Monday.20(5) So tired this morning. Burned out at work, but so much to do. Beer/dinner tonight should be good, but socially tough. Trying so hard to shut up, since no one cares what I say or think...21(5) Beer/steak dinner was nice last night. I tried to be quiet, somewhat succeeded I guess. At least didn't feel stupid after. Work is still really stressful. Just so tired...22(4) Things feel...wrong. I'm sure it's just that deep-seated anxiety sitting in the center of my chest. But right now, work feels really imposing and impossible. I'm so tired...23(5) Stress and anxiety really got to me yesterday. Felt so sick after work. Went to run anyway and had best run in a while. Beautiful weather and nice run along river. Felt so much better after! Grateful!24No Reasons25No Reasons
26(6) Pretty good weekend. Ran 15 miles Saturday morning then volunteered at a trail race. Had a good dinner there, then beers with an old coworker later. BBQ/beer dinner Sun night.27(5) Nice run yesterday evening. Going to start running with old running/training partner again hopefully! Going to be a rough work week. Dreading it...28(4) Horrible night's sleep. Dog kept me awake, alerting to something outside, which freaked me out. Feeling miserable this morning, and such a long day ahead...Ugh.29(4) Yesterday sucked. Work stress and anxiety (probably compounded from poor sleep). Should have run, but went out and ate/drank instead. Now feeling guilty and weak.30(5) Haven't really slept well all week, and dog had me up again way too early. Head hurts, and more training today. But last night's run was good, and 3-day weekend coming up, so a tentative 5, I guess.31No Reasons
September
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2No Reasons3(5) Not a bad three-day weekend. Don't often post here on weekends, but sad to come back after three days and see so few of my friends post. So much quieter here than it used to be.4(5) Tacos at a bar by myself yesterday. Was craving tacos for some reason. Rainy today, but hope to convince myself to run tonight. Lots of work the rest of this week. Sigh...5(5) Stressful day at work yesterday. Almost skipped run again, but glad I went. Nice and cool. Another stressful day, but run tonight and football (US) is back! So that's good at least.6(5) Ran with the group but then sat by myself for beers after because I don't really know anyone well enough to talk to beyond simple small talk. Oh well. Friday. I'm very tired. A little sad.7No Reasons8No Reasons
9(5) Oh, MP looks different! Anyway, not a bad weekend. Busy Saturday with a race and big cook-out/party. Quiet, relaxing Sunday alone. Going to be another stressful, long work week. Sigh.10(4) Good but short run last night with the group. Terrible night's sleep though. Dog had me up at 2 and kept barking until nearly 3:30. Feel really crummy this morning, and a long day today at work. Ugh.11(4) So sleepy. Another night of too few hours. Another rainy day. Another stressful day of work. Feel crummy and anxious.12(5) Slept better last night and feeling better today. Didn't run yesterday. Work stress and lack of sleep just had me feeling rough. Will run tonight in the rain. Feeling I need a vacation.13(5) Been a long week, and have a lot of meetings and trainings to do today. No plans at all this weekend, which means it will probably be lonely. That's okay, I guess. Good run last night.14No Reasons15No Reasons
16(5) Interesting weekend. Met some people Sat who I haven't seen in 15-20 years. We used to get together every Friday for coffee. Helped me get through hard times. One died recently, so was...(cont.)17(5) Good run last night. Perfect weather. Fall is definitely here, but seems like a good weather week. Very tired this morning, negative about work and people and life. Ah well. Just another day.18(5) Beer dinner last night. Food was amazing. Kinda felt alone in company, though. Feeling sluggish today after eating so much. Stressful training this morning. Hope okay to run tonight.19No Reasons20(6) Feel pretty good today. The weather this week has been beautiful. Had a good run last evening. Work happy hour this evening. Long run tomorrow. Appreciate starting the day off feeling okay.21No Reasons22No Reasons
23(5) Pretty good weekend. Lots of running and beer/food with people. Feeling really sluggish today. Ate/drank way too much, and busy week ahead. Plus dr's appt today. Oh well.24(5) Rain stopped in time for our run last night, though it seemed to scare a lot of people away. Still, had a good 5 miles on tired legs. Managed to keep work load down this week a bit. But so tired.25(4) Feeling low and anxious. Very nebulous anxiety, feeling of forgetting something important or some looming issue I can't remember. Mild headache. Didn't sleep well. Going to be a rough day.26(2) So tired of this world. No wonder we are killing each other. There is no human dignity anymore. Even if you can't be kind to a neighbor, perhaps be civil? Every reaction is aggression. Just sad...27(4) Anxiety manifested itself last night in making me sure I lost or forgot something. Bothered me all night. Ran trail hills with a few folks last night. Really kicked my butt. Tired today...28No Reasons29No Reasons
30(5) Not a bad weekend. Ran a trail half marathon yesterday that was fun. Saw a band Friday night. Stomach has been off yesterday/today though, and didn't sleep well. Plus work stress and anxiety again.
October
MTWTFSS
 1(6) Yesterday was good example of why I need these group runs. Felt sick, tired, anxious. Managed to do 4 miles and felt so much better. (After-run beers help too). Good bacon-themed dinner tonight!2(4) Publicly thanking all the people who made this new project successful, didn't include me, even though I did all the training and half the other people who were thanked's work. Well F you too...3(2) Miserable day at work. Completely disregarded by bosses. Skip run to drink and see neighbor/old friend whose wife died just over year ago got engaged to woman I can't really stand. Never see him again4(2) 5(3) Visiting family this weekend. Too much drama, no support. Needed a weekend to decompress after last week. This isn't it. Haven't run all week, and now it's cold. Terrible mood.
(2) Made the mistake of pointing out that my sister treats me horrible, now everyone hates me. Should have shut up as always. Why even bother. What a horrible weekend after a horrible week.
6No Reasons
7(5) Bad week last week compounded by bad weekend. So drained. Ate and drank terribly in last week and almost no running. But this week starts my training for next year. Time to make things right.8(5) Good run yesterday evening. Weather is crisp. I do enjoy fall in this part of the world. Kind of appreciating my solitude after the weekend.
(2) Feeling very lost and empty today. Surprising myself how hopeless I feel. It will probably pass. Beer may help.
9(5) Better this morning. Beer helped last night. Trying to start getting into the habit of daily morning treadmill miles. As much as I hate it, I feel so much better in the morning after it!10(5) New brewery opened in my town last night, so drank a lot of beer. Bit hungover this morning, but managed 3 treadmill miles. Proud of that. It's cold. Fall is definitely here. I'm very tired...11(5) Good group run last night. Tired this morning. It's been a slow week. Three-day weekend, but nothing to do. Long run tomorrow, I guess. Probably lots of beer. Wish I had people who wanted me around.12No Reasons13No Reasons
14No Reasons15(5) Very tired this morning, and legs are very sore. Not a bad weekend. Ran Sat and Sun. Ate and drank way too much. Got some cleaning done (but no yardwork). Lonely, though. Oh well.
(2) Walked outside in the cold air and felt winter impending. And had a scary thought. Not sure I recovered from last year's depression. I'm not sure I could survive another year like that.
16(4) Rough night. Dog got me up at midnight to go outside, then I closed my door. Tossed and turned and watched clock all night. Turns out, he had to go back out. Had to clean up two spots this morning.
(1) Once again, my faith in the utter selfishness and irredeemable nature of humanity has been reinforced. Why do I bother trying?
17No Reasons18(3) This has been a bad week emotionally. Fighting a cold, dog's been sick, weather's been miserable, anxiety high, eating/drinking very poorly for momentary relief. Need to reassess...19No Reasons20(2) Really struggling this weekend. Feel so alone. Went up to the lake, somewhere near where my friend took her life last year, and thought of her and how her husband is engaged already and no longer...
21(3) Hard to face Monday after a difficult weekend. No real motivation at the job lately makes for very long, unproductive days. Head feels fuzzy...emotional hangover from depressing Sunday night. Again.22(5) Beautiful fall day yesterday. Made last night's group run quite nice. Back to cold and rain today. Got a few treadmill miles in this morning, so not feeling too bad. Legs are sore though.23(3) Now I need a new furnace. Up all night worrying about the cost and getting it replaced before it gets truly cold. Dog was sick at 1:30 am, so had to clean that up. So tired today, and long day of...24(3) Another rough night. Sick dog had me up 3 times. Managed to do treadmill yesterday but not today. Too tired. Anxiety high. Going to be a very long day...25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons
28(5) Not a bad weekend. Parents were in town, so got things done. Tired today, though. Didn't sleep well and definitely have early stages of a cold. Hope I can fight it off for race this Saturday.29(4) Darn cold...feeling nasty. Big race on Saturday too.30(4) Took cold medicine last night to sleep and woke up feeling really wonky and spacey. Didn't run this morning. Work will be tough today, I think.31(6) Actually feel better today. Cold still bothering me, but maybe a bit better after a decent night's sleep? Good run last night - 6.5 miles of trail hill repeats. Felt pretty okay! *fingers crossed*
November
MTWTFSS
    1No Reasons2No Reasons3(7) Ran a 50k yesterday, despite not being in shape. My longest run this year before this was 20 in January. Still, I finished! Saw friends, drank many beers after. It was a good day!
4(6) Sunday was quiet and cold (no heat until sometime next week). But still feeling good for pushing through the 50k on Saturday! Never thought about quitting. Good way to end running season!5(6) Rain, and cold for rest of the week. Worried about the dog at home with no heat. Can't leave electric heaters on (fire hazard) when not home. But good run last night and treadmill this AM.6(5) Only Wednesday? Sigh. Cold the rest of this week. Always a tough transition to cold and snow again. Hope dog's okay in the cold house!7(5) Trail hill repeats in the dark on heavy, tired legs. Hard, but will pay off, I hope. Weather is getting much colder, and still no heat. This week is going very slow...8No Reasons9No Reasons10(3) So upset. Thought I was getting furnace installed Monday. But got dates mixed up and it's Tuesday. So tired of being cold! Also, so sick of being around people who are not worth my time.
11No Reasons12No Reasons13(4) Went from fall to mid-winter. Almost a foot of heavy, wet snow yesterday and temps in the low teens (F). This is Feb weather. At least I FINALLY have heat.14(5) Ran 3.5 miles through thick snow with folks for trail hill repeats last night. Bitterly cold and really hard running. Feeling it today. Otherwise, though, not feeling too bad. So happy to have heat!15(4) Felt pretty good yesterday morning, but stomach started bothering me and worsened as day went on. Stayed home instead of running last night and went to bed really early. Still off this morning. Ugh.16No Reasons17No Reasons
18(5) Quiet, lonely weekend. So cold both mornings, so ran on the treadmill. Ate and drank way too much (as I tend to do when by myself), and felt yucky this morning. So didn't run on mill this morning.19(5) Nice run last night. 5 miles in very runnable weather. Didn't sleep well last night, though. Have a lot of training this week. Head feels wonky. Ran out of tissues at work. Ugh!20(5) Busy, stressful work day today. Felt so unmotivated at work lately. But lots of days off upcoming to burn my PTO before the end of the year...21(4) Super stressed yesterday. Running trail hills in the dark helped, but then I lay awake fuming over furnace issues and more costs. Terrible night sleep, so anxiety is very high today.22(5) Stressed yesterday, but run (in the cold rain) helped. Felt very lonely after drinking a beer with all those people but no one to talk to. I talked a bit, but felt very alone. Blah.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25(4) Just another blah weekend. Ran on Saturday but didn't feel good. Breathing was hard. Skipped running Sunday, did Xmas decorating and leaf raking. Feeling anxiety this morning.26(6) Bit warmer temps yesterday, so got 5 miles in with my Monday group. 4.5 on treadmill this morning. Really tired, but looking forward to beers and turkey empanadas this evening!27(6) Fun last night, even though the beer event didn't happen. Still good food with some nice folks. Busy work day, then driving back to parents' house. Turkey trot tomorrow morning.28(6) Thankful for moodpanda and all the panda friends I've made, past and present.29No Reasons30No Reasons