5 avg
  991 days
  9120 hugs
 1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6(5) Last day of Winter Break. Will be weird when they go back tomorrow. Took a good nap today. Daughter's 12th bday went well. Finally have $ again. Will buy candy & secret fast food. Still bingeing.
7No Reasons8No Reasons9(6) Had to take them to school but was able to come home & go back to sleep. Showered, blood draw, car wash, grocery. I've already spent $20 & half of it was a lunch. So stupid. Bought another book.10(4) UGH! I got double charged for bananas the other day but it was only a $1. Fulfilled my book buying obsession by finding two books for $8 but just checked my bank account & she charged me twice. ?11(5) Didn't hear them leave this morning but woke up 15 minutes later. Went back to sleep & slept till 11AM. Felt so good. Getting ready to eat some Biriyani. Think I'm going to do yoga today. Tired.
(6) Daughter has a 1.5 hour play practice starting now. Don't think BF will stay & wait which means I'll have to go out. Really gotta watch my speeding. Someone suggested the closest to speed limit game.
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21No Reasons22(5) Where have I been? Not sure. BF took a day off work last week & we binged 'You' which was fun because I had read the book. 2.5 hour play practices for daughter this week. Public performance on Feb 1.23No Reasons24(6) 2 hour school delay. Saw them off & slept till NOON! Clozapine? No caffeine? Winter? Depression? Who the f*ck knows? $2 in my bank account. Have 4 king size Twizzler packs in my purse. ED ED ED ED ED.25(7) Cleaned both bathrooms, the downstairs shower, took a shower, shaved my legs, & took a nap. All amazing! BF home, daughter at play practice. Best pizza around for dinner. So super pumped over food. ?26(5) Reading a book & a VERY uncomfortable topic comes up reminding me of BF & his ex. I can't give details but just know it wrecked my mood last night. I was looking forward to a fun night all day. Tired.
(6) Our good Panda friend, John, has created a google doc open to us Pandas so that we can exchange contact info without revealing our names or main email addresses. Join us! https://goo.gl/Ufb286
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28No Reasons29(5) Day 1 w/o weed. Getting more tomorrow or Thursday. I needed a tolerance break anyway. -37F wind chill in the morning. Have already cancelled therapy & am going for bloodwork after BF gets home today.30(7) Day 2 w/o weed. It's been a long ass time since I went a day w/o getting high. School cancelled today & tomorrow. BF & daughter playing video games & I'm relaxing with them. F*cking lost it a...31(6) Tired. Without vaping I have to take sleep aids. BF went to bed before me & that never happens. I carry this general feeling of tiredness & what I describe as a 'cottony' feeling in my head.
    1(5) School cancelled 3rd day in a row. Glad to have them home. Will be sad when things return to normal. Still no smoke. Vaped on Tuesday, tried a ton of edible fudge & almost puked on Wed. Sober since.
(6) Getting smoke tomorrow. I'll wait till daughter goes to her sleepover to do it. Hoping I get f*cked up since I've had a tolerance break. Pretty sure it'll rock me. Fun! Restricting. Dropping pounds.
2(3) Woke up to a f*cking panic attack. Not like I can't breathe, just SUPER INTENSE chest pain. It hurts so bad & lasts 20+ minutes. Finally feel better but afraid of another one that won't happen today.3(6) Daughter went to sleepover last night & I pissed BF off bcuz I didn't want to 'do it' when he asked me as I was going to bed at 1:30AM. He scraped together a couple bowls for me so I vaped last...
4(7) BF had the day off & daughter had an orthodontist appointment this morning so it's been an awesome day. Lots of good food from the Amish store. Finally got my bud. 'Banana OG'. Holy sh*t! It's potent!5No Reasons6(5) BAD night last night. Yelled, wanted to throw something, wanted to hit BF, shoved dinner plate & table, & then went & cried myself to sleep. Also yelled at the cat a lot. Called my psychiatrist but...7(10) Today is a big day. It marks my 900th day of MoodPanda! I can't believe I've been with you Pandas for so long. Everyone here is like family to me. I truly don't know what I'd do without you! Yep, a10!8(6) Friday. Daughter's public performance of the play is tonight. BF's parents will be there (separately, but with us). I'm so fat. I ate so much today. Hate hate hate. Dyeing my hair on Tuesday. Ready?9(3) Slept in. Irritable, sad, crying. Supposed to go see the Lego movie today but I don't want to go. Fighting tears now. Clozapine upped by 25mg. Start new dose tonight. I thought I made progress. Right.
(2) BF pushes & pushes. He doesn't understand that I can't control this. I'm asking for help! I locked the bedroom door & called ex-stepdad. Walked out of there. BF screaming over me. Daughter called...
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11No Reasons12(2) I HATE my hair. Doesn't even look close to what I wanted. You can't tell a difference in the blonde, green, blue color that it was before we started. I've texted her & hopefully we'll get it fixed.13(5) Therapy, lots covered, Bloodwork, groceries, bought another book. 4 people commented on my hair. I told them how it didn't really turn out how I wanted but they said it still looks good. Not so bad.14No Reasons15(5) Unloaded dishwasher, swept kitchen floor, cleaned both bathrooms, & ate too much. Glad it's the weekend & I won't binge during the day. Sleeping in, taking naps, thinking about taking naps..tired.16No Reasons17(5) They've found a new church that is perfect for them. I actually heard BF's alarm this morning. I stayed up so I can vape & do yoga. Read 300+ pages of a good book yesterday. Will finish it today.
18(5) Saw psychiatrist today. Talked a lot about med options for all the obsessive thinking. Doesn't want to try while I'm on so many meds. Hopeful. I also asked about a 1 pill benzo script for my panic...19(5) Slept in. Washed my hair with cold water in the bathroom sink. Wasn't so bad. Only a little light pink came out. Want to take a nap. Blood work tomorrow. I cannot buy a book. Eating too much. 142 lbs.20(6) School cancelled. Bloodwork & groceries. I bought a book. Bought one Monday too. Won't get if cheaper on Amazon though so there's that. Texted Mom at noon & she never replied. Not like her. Worried.21No Reasons22(5) Daughter staying with MIL tonight. Lil Bro might come over tomorrow. It would make me so happy. BF spending a lot of money. Bought an iPad Pro & now tons of new clothes. He could've let me be open...23No Reasons24No Reasons
25(4) Slept through the night which never happens. Can't eat if you're sleeping! I've felt tired all day though. Dusted & vacuumed the office. Laundry because BF ran out of dress socks. Want to eat & sleep.26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons
    1(5) Cleaned the shower & then took a (much needed) shower & even shaved my legs. Going out to dinner with R.'s mom & stepdad for his bday. I will probably eat a lot & I'm positive she'll say something.
(10) Because I'm only 1 of 3 people that knows, I can't say anything yet except here, but MY SISTER IS PREGNANT!!! My only full blooded sibling. Soon to turn 34 so this was not expected. I can't wait...
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4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7(8) Dyed my hair again. Now it's GREEN! I love it. She curled it which makes me feel pretty. Glad to be done with the week. Going to see Captain Marvel this weekend. Disability paperwork for me & BF.8No Reasons9(3) My sister can't decide if she wants to terminate her pregnancy or not. She says the father is a terrible person & she doesn't want to bring a child into the world with him as a father. She wants...10No Reasons
11No Reasons12No Reasons13(5) My sister has decided to terminate. She saw a car wreck & realized she wouldn't want to leave her child with it's father if something were to happen to her. Therapy today. She's really trying to...14(5) Therapist said to pick a container to put all the bad thoughts, memories in & we'll pull them out one at a time to talk about & let go of them. Told Sis & she said her psych said to do the same thing!15(5) Daughter home sick from school. We were supposed to go to dinner with Big Bro & fam tonight. Going to try to set up a time when Lil Bro can join us. Need to wash my hair (bathroom sink, cold water).
(2) I AM THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. I gave daughter a dose of acetaminophen for her fever & then gave her a dose of cold medicine that also has acetaminophen in it. We had to have her induce vomiting.
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18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21(5) Tired & no motivation. Forgot to report that my psychiatrist lowered my Lamictal & Geodon to help with the drowsiness & then raised my Trileptal while leaving the Clozapine the same. Time to nap.22(6) Spring break! One week off school. We are all pumped. Sister applied to prison nursing job she used to do when she lived up here. Hopefully she will move home. I would be so happy! It'd be a friend!23(6) Trip to my state's capital to go to a specialty grocery store & burger place for lunch. Hope the store isn't crowded. It's always stressful because it's a small building. Trying to remain positive.24No Reasons
25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31(5) Last day of Spring Break. They're at church. BF & I have been bingeing Game of Thrones. Just hit S4. BF is loading me up w/sleep aids even though he's against them so I stop eating in the night.
1(5) Still in bed even though I've been awake for 2 hours. First day back to school & I guess I missed staying in bed. Vaping & then will relocate to living room for some GTA 5. Skipping breakfast & lunch.2(4) Can't get out of bed. Tried to eat lunch but stopped after one bite. I haven't vaped at all today. So tired. I need to get caffeine in me but I don't want to leave the bed. Daughter being baptized...3No Reasons4(4) Have scheduled an appt w/my doctor to rule out a hormone imbalance vs med side effects. Looked into it & I experience so many of the symptoms. Kinda hoping there is a problem that can be fixed.5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons
8(4) Can't get out of bed. So tired. Need to vape for a dinner appetite but have no energy. Need gather trash & take it down to the road but that means getting dressed. Not mandatory but encouraged.9(5) Saw my doctor this morning. Took 3 vials of blood to run a bunch of tests. The nurse had me pick 3 things to discuss so it was fatigue, sweating/night sweats, & can't stay asleep. See him in a month.10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons14(6) Game of Thrones! Game of Thrones! We wrapped up rewatching the series earlier today. BF kept perfect timing. Still feel tired & tearful. Daughter's baptism this Saturday. Nervous. Gaining weight.
15(7) Saw psychiatrist. After considering a sleeping pill, he made the decision to try something else so I'm starting Luvox. It's supposed to help OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS, ANXIETY, & EATING DISORDERS. Hopeful!!16No Reasons17No Reasons18(5) Slept till noon. Took new med last night. Went to sleep soon after & then woke up to run to the toilet thinking I was going to puke. Psych said to cut pill in half if that happened. Just took it. ?19No Reasons20(7) Daughter was baptized tonight. I had to stand up there while 2 other girls did it & then it was daughter's turn. We were up there for so long & I had on super high heels. Amazon woman with green hair.21No Reasons
22No Reasons23(6) Slow day. Woke up shortly after they left & then laid back down. One bite of lunch, disgusting, so I threw it out. Let the food games begin. 2 months till swimsuit time. Definitely won't be a bikini.24No Reasons25(5) Got myself outta bed & to the couch today. Watched 2 movies. Bloodwork is no longer weekly. Now it'll be every two weeks. Less opportunity to eat Twizzlers while I drive. I might actually lose weight!26(7) BF & I have been together 14 years today. He told me last night that he felt invisible though. I wrote him a letter that basically showed it was just one night in question where we didn't talk. Weird.27(6) Slept past 11AM. Went out for coffee & muffins but didn't vape yet today so there is no way I'm even taking a bite. I know it'll make me feel sick. BF read my letter. I think everything is fine.28(5) I'm gonna stop with the pot. How, with it in the house, I do not know. It'll be tough. My psychiatrist said it was time. I'm gonna be dropping pounds like crazy though. That's what I'm hoping anyway.
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  1No Reasons2No Reasons3(4) I haven't stopped yet. I was down to once or twice a day. I made myself get out of bed & then got hungry so I binged so hard I actually had to spit out what I was chewing & throw the rest away. Hate.4(6) Going to go see the Avengers movie. Hoping I can hold my pee for 3 hours. My bday is tomorrow. 38. Not 40 yet! I spent $55 at 9:30AM on the morning my disability check was deposited. $10 left. Mania!5No Reasons
6No Reasons7(5) Saw my doctor today & then spent the afternoon with my (ex)stepdad. Saw my old neighbor. Realizing I must've been super skinny bcuz everyone I see tells me I look good now. I hear FAT though.
(2) Waiting on daughter's talent show audition. Sitting in hallway & BF said “we're in trouble” to a woman that walked by. I feel like he was flirting. Painc panic. Must keep cool. Will escape at home.
8No Reasons9No Reasons10(4) I was so excited to see my Sis soon after she got up here. She made plans with my SIL to go to our nephew's soccer game & then out to dinner. SIL invited me. Daughter caught my excitement & has been..11No Reasons12No Reasons
13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17(5) School is almost done for the year. I hope I adjust ok. Therapy went well. She mentioned RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. It's exactly what I need. DBT instead CBT. I can't believe it took 12.5 years for this.18No Reasons19No Reasons
20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25(5) No vape day. I kept saying I was gonna do it, but this time it's for real. Beautiful day, should do yard work. Memorial Day cookout at BF's dad's tomorrow & then Lil Bro over on Monday for burgers.26(5) Went to BF's dad's for a Memorial Day lunch. BF's best friend growing up is coming over. We haven't seen him in many years. I always feel comfortable around him, but we're having dinner w/his parents.
27No Reasons28No Reasons29(5) School is out for the summer. I went to daughter's 6th grade graduation. Thankful I had something to wear. I'm so fat. Lots of anxiety/panic feelings. Will eat so much less now that they'll be home.30No Reasons31No Reasons
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3No Reasons4(6) Guys, I'm starting feel better mentally. Still really struggling with weight though. BF ordered a new swimsuit for me. It'll be ok. Talked a lot about my constant feeling of guilt in therapy.5(6) Just got done mowing the yard followed by a cool shower. I feel great! Haven't even vaped today & don't think I will. Placed my monthly Amazon order at 4AM the day my money was deposited. No books!6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons
10No Reasons11(5) Summer break moving right along. Finding motivation which I assume is only because I don't want to disappoint BF. Daughter doing all my chores so what I do is “extra”. Hard to not feel guilty.12(5) Lots of cleaning & reorganizing today by all of us. My 'to be read' shelf has now been split in two so it's not jammed pack. I started the 2nd Harry Potter book. I think I'll get settled in with it.13No Reasons14No Reasons15(5) Decided I'm going to get my hair chopped off. Thinking a chin length bob. Waiting to hear back w/an appointment. So pumped! Out for pizza w/BF's dad & uncle tonight. Vacation in less than a month. ?16No Reasons
17(6) Bloodwork, therapy, & groceries this morning. Therapist says things are so much better for all 3 of us since I'm doing better. It allows us to focus on other things w/o me constantly losing my sh*t.18No Reasons19No Reasons20(6) Sis actually came over yesterday. We went out to lunch w/her. She & BF got along fine even through the tension from my ED struggles. Lil Bro supposed to come over today for the NBA draft. Excited.21No Reasons22No Reasons23(6) I'm wrecked with poison ivy on my legs. Driving me crazy. Went to BF's stepdad's 80 bday. Wasn't too nervous. I found out my parents are taking the Friday off after us arriving Thursday night. Happy!
24No Reasons25No Reasons26(6) Stepdad is ready for me to get another hair wrap when we're down there visiting. Super pumped. Leaving for our trip 2 weeks from tomorrow! I definitely never lost any weight like I wanted. Oh, well.27(6) So hot today. BF & I cleaned windows & put daughter's A/C in. We were drenched in sweat. What a great shower after that! Sleeping through most nights but not losing weight. Gotta stop baking treats.28(4) Cleaning & yard work today. Daughter having 2 friends over for her half-bday party tomorrow. Got super irritable & holding back tears the past hour. Not sure what's going on. Should prob just sleep.29No Reasons30No Reasons
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8No Reasons9(6) BF & daughter helped clean the house, the car, & yard work all before we leave on Thurs morning. I'm so thankful for their help. Finishing laundry tonight, packing tomorrow, & then we'll be ready!10(7) All packed up except for last minute things to do in the morning. I'm trying to remain calm. BF has everything more than under control. Nervous to drive on the Interstate but hopefully it'll be fine.11(7) 7.5 hours into the trip. Everyone is doing well. BF hasn't had me drive yet. Only a little rain & traffic so far. Missing my cats already. ? Excited to see my parents though & I know we'll have fun.12(10) Perfect day at the beach! Little sunburnt but it's ok. Wore my butt out, that's for sure. Ready for bed at 10:30 but I gotta hang out for a little longer so BF doesn't feel like he has to join me.13No Reasons14No Reasons
15(5) Heading home. I only shed a couple tears saying goodbye. Sad, but we had such a good time. Sunburnt even though we sunscreend up a ton.. Wait till you see my shirt. ? Can't wait to see my kitty cats!16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19(5) 3 weeks until school starts. I know they're dreading it more than me so I can't say anything. The house will be so quiet. Hopefully it won't be a struggle to get out of bed. I miss my parents & beach.20No Reasons21No Reasons
22(6) Therapy. She said she agreed with my parents that I'm doing noticeably so much better. Ran into a guy I slept w/15 years ago. Was surprised to hear my name in the grocery store. Glad to have seen him.23No Reasons24(5) Going to dinner with my older bro & family, my younger bro, & my sis on Saturday. Not exactly BF's families holidays, but at least we'll be together. BF & daughter hooked on Overwatch. Sleepy.25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons
29(6) BF went into work today. Daughter has 2 different dates for Jr High stuff. School starts on the 7th. See psych on Fri. Going to ask to come off Clozapine because I can tell I'm over medicated. Sleepy.30No Reasons31(6) Daughter registered for Jr High School today. Got her locker combination & found her classes. I can't believe she is starting this whole new stage in life. I swear she was a sweet little toddler. ?
   1(6) Another trip to the school to drop some stuff off & try the lock on the locker again. BF going to dinner with a bunch of old friends, including my brother, tomorrow to go over Fantasy Football league.2No Reasons3(3) Fighting so hard! BF went out with life-long friends/including my brother. He has been texting them & going on & on. I know he would never do me bad in front of my bro, but I OBSESS! He's making...4(6) Going to meet Sis in our hometown for pork tenderloin sandwiches at the Dairy! So pumped! I don't know when I can meet her w/o BF w/me though. I'm supposed to experience a friend relationship w/her.
(2) BF & daughter at a youth pizza party w/the church. Really losing my mind being alone. Not sure how I can do this. Mom says it's just worry. It'll be ok & I've come so far. It's scary!
5(5) Daughter & I took cat to the vet. Clipped her nails & got a steroid shot. Got so upset with BF last night. He had a sweet letter sitting out for me this morning. Said I'm doing the best I've done...6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11(5) I went private for awhile bcuz I've been super paranoid. BF says it's ok though. We survived their first days of school. I've been more motivated than usual. Feel guilt for not working even though...
12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15(5) Slept a lot this morning, but still want to sleep more. Not sure how to handle so many hours during a school day. I don't vape anywhere near as much as I used to do it. Feel like I have control.16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons
19(5) Slept a lot this morning. Talked to Lil' Bro as he drove to a baseball game. Fridge is broken. Annoying. 1 week til WoW Classic. We're super pumped! Reading a book Daughter recommended. So far good.20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons
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 1No Reasons2(5) So f*cking fat. I have to stop eating. I'm making small, healthier choices but it's just not enough. See my doc tomorrow to hopefully found out where my upper respiratory symptoms are coming from.3No Reasons4(4) SO TIRED! Snuck in a 45 min nap while waiting to leave for therapy. Just want to get back home so I can sleep again. In ED hell. I want to die. I don't think I'll be able to fit into my winter coat. ?5No Reasons6No Reasons
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14No Reasons15No Reasons16No Reasons17(1) I finally had to tell BF about the ED Hell. Not EVERYTHING. God, no. I said I had “so much going on” but he said it's only 1 thing... weight/body/food. Over 20 years in this nightmare. 1st disorder.18No Reasons19(5) Slept till noon. Still tired. Saw psych yesterday & came away with a prescription for Vyvanse. It's a stimulant. I asked for it. It's used for Binge Eating Disorder. School's Fall Break has started.20No Reasons
21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27(5) Last day of Fall Break. Vyvanse isn't doing much. I'm going to call tomorrow & see if I can get an increase. Maybe a *little* lessening appetite. Also zoned in on my video game so maybe it is helping?
28(6) 10mg Vyvanse increase. Hope it helps. Gotta be awake when it's delivered bcuz it needs a signature since it's a controlled substance. Worth it though. I have started my first Stephen King novel!29No Reasons30(5) Still no med so I called. Glad I did because it was overlooked & no one knew it didn't get sent out. Now I have to wait till Friday. ? Bingeing during the day the moment they went back to school.31No Reasons
    1(5) Waiting for the mail to be delivered. Increased Vyvanse dose is supposed to be here. Can't wait to take it. My computer is f*cked & it's basically unusable. BF might end up building me a new one.2(5) All I want to do is play WoW but my computer is so screwed up. BF is researching building a new one. Gotta wait on Black Friday deals. Haven't vaped in 3 days & have been sleeping thru the night. Yay!3No Reasons
4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7(5) Started vaping again. I gotta remember how just a few days off made me feel so much better. Mom is sending a check to us for Christmas. Will miss the surprise of gifts. BF ordered my computer parts.8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons
11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15(6) Saw psychiatrist. Upping Vyvanse putting me at 50mg. Max dose is 70mg. Sleeping thru the night most days & drinking a shit-ton of water. Going to try & set a bedtime/wake up time & yoga every morning.16(6) Wasn't going to be able to get the new med until Tues, but it actually got here today! I took the 50mg after already taking 40mg. Haven't had anything to eat today. Hungry, but waiting on dinner.17No Reasons
18No Reasons19(5) Did my first EMDR session yesterday. I read it can have uncomfortable side effects & I had a panic attack today which doesn't seem like a coincidence. It was awful. And, I'M LOSING WEIGHT!!!20No Reasons21No Reasons22(7) Started a new video game & am having so much fun with it. Mom sent us a check for $300 to spend as Christmas gifts. So generous & much needed. New computer, treadmill, $3600 dental work for BF.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29(4) I have a freaking UTI. Hope it goes away or else I'll have to call the doc on Monday. Thanksgiving went well. I didn't worry about it months in advance like I used to so that was nice. Therapy Monday.30No Reasons