5 avg
  1119 days
  9759 hugs
  185 followers
January
MTWTFSS
  1(5) Gotta take the Christmas tree down today. That's always sad. Therapy on Friday. Looking forward to it because I forgot a huge experience to tackle with EDMR. I totally spaced & it's a huge deal.2(5) Keep sleeping till noon. Have to get up at 7:45AM for therapy tomorrow. It'll be painful. Still not using the treadmill regularly. Maybe force myself when they go back to school. It'll be so quiet!3(5) Did some EMDR at therapy focusing on the emotional, physical, & sexual abuse done by my ex. Still don't feel like I'm fully allowing myself to process it all. Such mixed feelings. Confusion. Hopeful.4(6) Visited my aunt & uncle today. It was nice to chat for awhile. I love them & don't think they are in contact with anyone else from my immediate family. They are struggling in a lot of different ways.5(4) BF & daughter go back to school tomorrow. I hate this part of school breaks. I will miss them so much but I'm sure it'll be nice in a way. No appts till therapy on the 17th. Mom still feels distant.
6No Reasons7No Reasons8(5) Slept a lot. BF wants me to tell my psych I am sleeping too much. Like, 14 hours? Sometimes more. Also started binging as soon as they went back to school. Actually felt full & should've stopped.9(5) I think they're finally done burying our power line. It was a 3 day process. Now I can wake & bake. Haven't done that in a long time. BF says daughter didn't look at him once during dinner. He's sad.10(6) Slept a lot. Was supposed to use the treadmill as soon I woke up to prevent going back to sleep but I suck at life & didn't do it. Ate too much. BF going out to watch football with friends tomorrow.11No Reasons12(6) Keep sleeping till noon no matter what time I go to bed. BF was gone 9 hours yesterday watching football with friends. Daughter & I had a nice time by ourselves, especially watching Dr Lupo play Sims.
(2) Thought I was handling it well, but I feel so sad that I don't have friends I can hang out with when I see BF hang out with work friends/old friends. I wish all the Pandas lived in the same place.
13No Reasons14(5) Slept a lot. Played Two Point Hospital for awhile. Still not using the treadmill. I'm afraid to weigh myself. Been binging & obsessing about food ever since they went back to school. Disappointed.15No Reasons16(5) Period time. Boo! Woke up early to be able to sign for my Vyvanse & it never came. Therapy tomorrow. Was supposed to go grocery shopping after but will hurry home to sign for the meds. Been gaming.17(6) Therapy went well. No EMDR this time. When she asked how I was, I said I was back to binging ever since they went back to school so we spent a whole other session discussing my damn eating disorder.18No Reasons19(5) Got up at 10AM which is much better than yesterday at 1PM. Will start my 9AM wake up time tomorrow. Therapist suggested I've been eating outside of meals because I feel lonely. It hit me hard. Truth.
20(5) Set a 9AM alarm on the bedroom Echo but I must've turned it off because I just slept till 12:30. I think I'm gonna call my psychiatrist & have him reduce something. I don't see him till February 10th.21(6) Dropped them off at school this morning, went back home & slept, vaped, went to the grocery store, & just picked up daughter & now we're going to her orthodontist appointment. Reducing Trileptal.22(5) I fail at life. Turned off my alarm this morning & went back to sleep till 12:30PM. I have a wellness exam tomorrow so I'll be getting up at 6:30 to take them to school. I gotta not go back to sleep!23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27(7) Daughter is getting her braces put on right now. BF already had the day off work so he's here too. She is super pumped. We've been waiting years for this. $6000 though. That's a hefty chunk of change.28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31(6) Scrubbed the shower today. That's always a huge accomplishment. Still slept a lot & ate too much. Where are the days when I had to force myself to eat? Glad it's the weekend. I'll eat less. Tired.
February
MTWTFSS
     1(6) Slept till noon. Surprise surprise. Thought it was Sunday, glad it's only Saturday. BF going out of town to a casino during March Madness. Will be w/his school friends, possibly including my brother.2(6) Slept till 11:30AM. They had already went to church & back. So thankful I sleep through the night but I feel like I have to binge the food I would've ate in the night during the day. Haven't weighed.
3(5) Our downstairs bathroom is f*cked. Huge overflowing mess the other day. Plumbers came out today & discovered that our septic tank is full. It's always something. Hopefully that's the only problem.4No Reasons5(5) Slept in late & took a nap. I see my psychiatrist on Monday so I'm just gonna wait till then to discuss it with him. Also sometimes getting dizzy when I stand up. Vyvanse not controlling appetite.6(2) Binged right before dinner. I feel so out of control. Sleeping too much, no energy. Therapist had asked if I was depressed. Maybe I am? Obsessing over food like crazy. It's all I think about. Hate it!7(5) 4 pieces of cinnamon toast for lunch but that was it (still too much). No snacking though. Power is out. Daughter is going to a school dance tonight. I hope she has fun. Psychiatrist on Monday.8(5) Plumbing/septic problem still happening. We'll have to get professionals out here again which means I'll have to deal with them. Will call BF's dad if I need to though. So glad I see my psych tomorrow9(6) I've been getting up before noon. Woke in the middle of the night for the first time in forever last night because I was coughing though. Of course, that meant BINGE. I can't wait to see my psych.
10(4) Sooo tired. Waiting to go into my appointment with my psychiatrist. Can't go home & sleep because the plumbers are coming back out after lunch. Nasty cold & rainy day. Gotta go to the grocery, too.
(3) Septic tank full again. Big time problem. We've already paid $500 on this & nothing has been done to fix it. Minimal & quick showers, flushing the toilet a few times/day. Will be doing laundry at MIL.
11No Reasons12(5) Got up at 10AM to sign for my Vyvanse. Can't remember if I took a nap. WTF? Did not binge today. Daughter has catechism so I will have to resist while they're gone. FINALLY did yoga! It felt great!13(6) School was cancelled bcuz of snow. Glad to have them home. I think stopping the Trileptal may be helping the sleep problem. I have been waking up around 10:30AM instead of noon. Hooked on a card game.14(7) Woke at 10:30AM, treadmill, yoga, dusted bedroom, vacuumed office & cat room, washed cat food dishes, kitty litter boxes, wiped down kitchen, & updated my book journal. Is it from stopping Trileptal?15(6) Daughter spent the night w/a friend last night & is going to a different friend's house tonight. I always look forward to not having to vape in the garage when she's gone. Haven't treadmill or yoga.16No Reasons
17(6) BF had the day off work. Felt good to just chill. Back to treadmill & yoga tomorrow. Curious to see if I feel as good as I did the last time I started my morning with them. Fingers crossed!18(5) Slept in & almost didn't do the treadmill & yoga, but was able to do it. Not very long, but that's better than nothing. Was supposed to do laundry at MIL's but now their shower is backing up! Wtf?!19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Daughter home sick from school. BF told me to not fall for her tricks & we ended up watching Skin Wars during lunch. She's watching YouTube with her laptop & papers everywhere. Tomorrow is Mom's bday.22No Reasons23(5) Everyone doing their part to get the house ready for appraisal tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Going to have to do laundry at MIL's this week. She offered to do it for us but I wouldn't do that.
24(4) Ugh, up early. The appraiser probably won't be here till after lunch but I gotta be awake in case they come earlier. Looking forward to a nap after they leave. Therapy & groceries tomorrow.25(5) Daughter home sick so I had to cancel therapy. Was supposed to make dinner tonight (which I NEVER do), but needed ingredients from the grocery. Might go tomorrow even though I will be out on Thursday.26(5) Ash Wednesday so BF & daughter are going to church tonight. It's nasty out. Glad to be snuggled in at home. Blood work in the morning so I'll finally get to the grocery store. BF's 43rd bday tomorrow!27(5) 2 hour school delay this morning. Came home & slept after dropping them off. Roads were better when I woke up & went to bloodwork. Big grocery trip. Bought too much candy but BF saw receipt & it's ok.28(6) Way past due on laundry. There are so many loads worth. I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet & go to BF's mom's on Monday unless we miraculously go this weekend. Already planning our vacation!29(5) Tired. Stopping the Trileptal didn't help the sleepiness. Even after Vyvanse & caffeine, I still want to sleep. My turn to take a 5 minute shower today. Water still comes up in the downstairs tub.
March
MTWTFSS
      1(5) Tired. Will probably go to bed early. 4 loads of laundry to do at BF's mom's tomorrow. After a long past of me feeling judged by her, I'm actually looking forward to it. It will be nice to talk to...
2No Reasons3No Reasons4(4) Slept a lot & went back to bed twice. Therapist thinks it could be some depression trying to poke through. Was going to try to just stretch when I woke up instead of committing to a whole yoga...5(5) Woke up early & could've easily have stayed up but, no, I went back to bed. Several times even to just lay there. Finally got up & did 2 yoga videos. Played The Sims & am now reading.6(5) Ate too much. Glad it's the weekend because I can't binge when they are home. Unless of course I'm up in the middle of the night which I am starting to do again. Must not hit 160lbs. I'm so close.7No Reasons8(6) Put a lot of hours into The Sims the past few days but am focusing on Legends of Runterra today to make sure I get my weekly reward. We are getting SO many birds at our feeder. It's awesome!
9(6) Slept a lot, ate a lot. Playing LoR. BF will be pleased. Will probably have to go pick up daughter from play practice though. Girls day with Sis & daughter on March 20th. We're super pumped!10No Reasons11(5) Slept a lot & ate a lot. Gonna have to go to the post office & pick up packages they won't deliver, including meds. BF complained yesterday. Hopefully she gets told to deliver the damn packages!12(5) Same ol', same ol'. BF cancelled his casino trip with the guys because of the Corona virus. Everything is so f*cking crazy! I feel bad for him because he was so excited to go. 11 cases in my state.13(5) School cancelled for a month. I'll be glad to have them home. Super bonus: I'm going to lose so much weight not being able to binge during the day. Went grocery shopping in the middle of the night.14(4) Deactivated my IG account. I got paranoid after posting something that informed my 90 followers that we have tons of food. I'm terrified that someone is gonna rob us. I will miss my Pandas on IG tho.15(5) Organized all the food & BF thinks we could make it 2 months without going out. My parents are almost out of TP & still don't seem to be freaking out. Therapy tomorrow which is still not cancelled.
16(5) Cancelled therapy. They understood. Went back to the grocery & now we are really, REALLY set. I am absolutely exhausted now. It was crazy. I stripped down & immediately took a shower when I got home.17(6) This Coronavirus is crazy. Every minute is a new story. We keep saying we've been preparing for this all our lives. BF is a huge stockpiler/thinks of worse case scenarios & I'm used to never leaving.18(4) I have a sore throat & felt nauseous in the middle of the night. I've been quarantined to daughter's room wearing a mask that we bought over a month ago. BF has an emergency dentist appointment.19(4) Schools are shut down until May 1st now. Then it's the end of the school year. This is such a mess. No one knows what the hell is going on. BF already making plans for when I have another episode.20(5) No e-learning for the month of April & all these school days will not be made up. Psychiatrist appt will be done over the phone. Option to Zoom, but no thanks. Unsure what'll happen w/my Clozapine.21No Reasons22(6) Just got out of the shower. We're still limiting them bcuz of the septic problem. I've lost 7 pounds in the little over a week since they've been home. So happy! Phone call with psychiatrist in morn.
23(5) Psychiatrist appointment was fine. I ended up having to FaceTime him from the garage. BF said I can just do it from our bedroom. Still gotta get bloodwork on Friday. Will definitely wear a mask.24No Reasons25(4) Got up & had lunch (ramen) but then went back to bed. BF came in & asked what I was doing. DUH. Pissed me off. So I got up & went to distance myself but he is just following me. Irritated now.26(3) Omg! Our piece of sh*t mail carrier f*cked with our driveway! She got caught trying to get out of delivering packages here & I guess she's trying to get back at us. I have plenty of pics before/after.27(5) Got my monthly bloodwork done today. I wore a mask & gloves. Didn't go to the store while I was out. We have plenty of everything. Therapy on Tuesday. Surely it will be over the phone. No way I'll go.28No Reasons29(7) Made homemade donuts today. They are amazing! So proud of myself. Got my reminder call about therapy & it seems like I'm supposed to go in. Will call tomorrow & hope it can be done over the phone.
30(6) Therapy will be over the phone, thank goodness! Still nervous but BF won't let me worry about it. He says to look forward to it. I guess it will be nice to not have to dress & drive over there.31(6) Therapy over the phone went well. She said I did a good job when we were done. Scheduled another appointment in a week. Not sure why so soon. I told her how I got irritated with BF so maybe that's it.
April
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2No Reasons3(6) They finally closed the schools for the rest of the school year. They've been home since March 13th. This is so crazy! I'm glad they are safe at home. No one knows how the schools will handle this.4No Reasons5(5) I dropped off a few loads of laundry at BF's mom. She's going to wash it for me so we can practice good social distancing. I'm so thankful for her! I've been feeling tired all the time. Desire to nap.
6No Reasons7(5) Therapy in 45 minutes. Over the phone. Nervous. BF is in the middle of a conference call with the school people. Picked up some smoke so I won't have to worry about that for awhile. Beautiful day!8(6) It's a beautiful day. I just finished giving the car a much needed cleaning. Feel productive & proud of myself. I got paranoid about BF hiding his phone from me. Therapist said to keep an eye out...9(5) Ok day. Got up a little earlier than usual because I went to bed early. Still always tired & hungry. Fresh homemade doughnuts rising. Hope they are as good as last time. Cold again. Freeze warning!10(5) Cold again for awhile. I was hoping we were done with that. The donuts turned out great. Before that I had made Reese's Pieces cookies. I'm pretty confident in my baking even though I have far to go.11No Reasons12(5) Playing lots of Hearthstone & Legends of Runterra. So much fun! Started up an Assassin's Creed game too. Maybe I'm restless? I speak to my psychiatrist in the morning & then head out to the stores.
13No Reasons14(5) Woke up @7:30AM with a panic attack. Those are so rough. I have therapy tomorrow & will be sure to mention it. Did lots of shopping yesterday. Will probably go back on the 27th for a few small things.15(5) Survived therapy. Will talk to her again in a week. She said we can Zoom. I'm considering it. Still so sleepy. Psych has me take some of my Clozapine in the morning. Haven't noticed a difference.16(5) Another day spent playing video games. I know BF is always pleased when I do that. Been feeling right on the edge of a panic attack. Paranoid about BF keeping his phone at night to keep me out of it.17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons
20(5) Same ol', same ol'. Lots of video games. Therapy on Wednesday. BF is going to watch the football draft on Zoom with his friends on Thursday. Trying not to be jealous. Still lots of paranoia. Sleepy.21No Reasons22(5) Therapy went ok. We realized I may be experiencing some symptoms as a result of a med he lowered the dosage on a month ago. Will definitely talk to him about it when we speak on the 27th. Tired.23(4) BF on one end of the house Zooming with friends & daughter on the other in her room FaceTiming with friends. Me, alone, binging while trying to watch a movie. I feel so left out. Still paranoid.24(6) Slept till 1PM. Mowed the yard. Made puppy chow. Played video games. Going to try & read. Haven't been in much of a mood to do it. Maybe early to bed tonight unless I can get BF to watch something.25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29(5) Sleepy. BF doing Zoom meetings w/his classes. Psychiatrist raised my Clozapine dose back to 300mg & my Luvox up another 25mg to hopefully help with the obsessive & paranoia thoughts. Therapy tomorrow.30(5) Therapy went well. First time video chatting with her. She said everything comes back to my shame. I don't know how I'll ever climb out of this nightmare. I'm glad to be talking to her weekly.
May
MTWTFSS
    1No Reasons2(5) I've done yoga the past 2 days. Very simple 30 minute video but it feels amazing! My bday is on Tuesday. I set my public Amazon wishlist to private in hopes to avoid getting presents from my ex.3No Reasons
4No Reasons5(5) I turn 39 today. Found out daughter has been talking to my sister about how upset she is with all the chores & the way BF talks to her. She even scratched her arms showing signs of self harm.6(5) My birthday was ok. BF made pizza & tiramisu for me. My parents gave me a $50 Amazon gift card so I'm picking out some books. BF is Zooming w/his classes. Have been watching movies with him at night.7(5) Therapy this morning. Doing it over Zoom is actually pretty nice. I use the Chromebook while sitting on our bed. I think the med increases have helped the paranoia/obsessive thoughts. Still so tired.8No Reasons9No Reasons10(6) Glad to be bumped to green. I have been devouring Assassin's Creed Odyssey. So much fun! Daughter got in BIG trouble. Long story, but she went way against the rules. BF has asked for my help with her.
11(2) Spent all afternoon looking for hand sanitizer, antibacterial wipes, & Lysol spray. Came back with six 12 packs of Diet Coke, a $3 book, & one container of wipes. Tried talking to daughter & BF,...12(7) Daughter is now spending days playing The Sims & watching Property Brothers with us in the office since she's being punished. Just mowed the yard bcuz lots of rain is on the way in days to come.13(6) Beautiful day. Vaped outside & it was so nice. BF doing Zoom meetings with his classes. So confusing how they are going to handle getting the kids to pick up their supplies that were left behind...14(5) Therapy. She thinks it could be my Clozapine causing me to be hungry & sleepy all the time. Looked back & I was under 100lbs in May 2018, started the Clozapine in October 2018, & now I weigh 160lbs.15No Reasons16No Reasons17(5) Going to call psychiatrist tomorrow & see if I can start coming off the Clozapine. It's gotta be the reason for the mega increased appetite & sleepiness. I will be worried about going into an episode.
18(5) Psych lowered my total Clozapine dose from 300mg to 275mg. Not much of a change. I'm supposed to see how it goes until I talk to him on the 1st. I want off it! Have started doing HIIT with BF.19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Therapy. She is going to talk to my psych about me coming off the Clozapine. I have an appointment with him on June 1. He raised my Vyvanse to 60 mg which I started yesterday. I think it helps.22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons
25No Reasons26(5) Went to bed early but still slept till noon. Bloodwork & grocery tomorrow. I have a Wellness exam in the afternoon via telehealth. Still haven't told my parents we won't be down this summer. Dread it!27No Reasons28No Reasons29(6) Definitely feel a difference w/the increased Vyvanse. Talk to psychiatrist on Monday. I hope he will lower the Clozapine again. BF cut & bleached my hair. We're dyeing it pink tonight. Hope it works!30No Reasons31No Reasons
June
MTWTFSS
1(6) My psychiatrist is lowering my Clozapine from the current 275mg to 200mg over the next 3 weeks. Looking forward to seeing a change. BF & I are hooked on Minecraft Dumgeons. I like playing together.2No Reasons3(5) Septic tank emptied. Took a long shower & the downstairs tub didn't back up like it usually does. Going to try a load of laundry tomorrow. Hope it works because I don't want to go to BF's mom's.4No Reasons5(7) Slept till nearly 2PM. Had an early dinner. I have lost count of how many loads of laundry I've done. I had already had a pretty big backlog before the septic problem. Feels great to get it all done!
(5) Daughter told us she is gay. She's 13 & has multiple friends who are gay. She said it rubbed off on her. So, I finally told her I've had a girlfriend before. She played it cool but is prob shocked!
6No Reasons7(5) Barely ate any of my supper. Maybe the increased Vyvanse with the decreased Clozapine is working. Told Mom we won't be coming down this summer. I'm so sad about it. She said she figured though.
8No Reasons9(5) Just finished Indian for dinner. So yummy! Feeling restless. I hope it's not from the decreased Clozapine. Less of an appetite for lunch if I'm even up in time. Just going to skip it.10No Reasons11(5) Therapy this morning. Didn't have much to talk about. Daughter got in trouble for all kinds of stuff. I hate when there is conflict. Going for a walk w/my sister-in-law tonight. Anxiety but it's ok.12(8) The walk with my sister-in-law last night went great! It was peaceful & I felt good getting some kind of exercise. Stayed afterwards & talked to the whole family for awhile. So much laughter!13No Reasons14(6) Had no appetite for dinner. Just took a few bites. Happy about that. Did a super good job dusting & cleaned the microwave. Giving video games a break for a couple days. Started a new book. Gonna vape.
15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18(7) I've lost 4lbs since I started decreasing my Clozapine! I'm excited for a future where I lose a lot more. Going to Sis's new house on Sun. An hour drive. I'm already nervous. Making a sugar cream pie.19No Reasons20(6) Slept till 1:30PM. I woke up around 9AM but DIDN'T EAT & went back to bed. Daughter asking a lot of questions about marijuana. We are going to tell her I use it soon. Will be nice to not have to hide.21(10) I went to my sister's new house today. It's over an hour away & I actually just met her in town, but I'm still proud I made it. Her house is beautiful & it was so nice to sit & talk with her. Happy!
22(4) Talked to psych today. Told him I'm having constant anxiety & had 2 panic attacks in the past week. He said he'd give me Ativan but studies show benzos don't mix well with Clozaril. Upped my Luvox.23(6) Therapy. She kept saying she had 1 more thing to tell me & that she could talk to me forever. That made me feel good! She said if the anxiety gets worse to let them know & she would advocate for me.24No Reasons25(6) I've decided to completely cut caffeine. I've limited to 1 pop in the morning since Tuesday & will be getting caffeine free pop for myself tomorrow. Hopefully this helps with the anxiety. Have been...26(1) I got into a huge fight w/mom. She said that all us kids (me, Sis, & brothers plus their families) are nuts because we are against Trump & are BLM. She said I never cared about her & my stepdad. ?27(5) Mom apologized & said she wouldn't say anything bad about me or young people. She's taking a break from social media to 'sit back & reflect'. This is all because Sis went off on her for yesterday.28(6) Texting with my MIL. Told her my parents are alcoholics & that played a part in the whole mess with my Mom. It's been nice talking to her. Getting closer with her more than ever before. Who knew?!
29(5) Therapy tomorrow. I feel like I've been waiting years even though I just talked to her a week ago. The anxiety is still out of control & I obviously have a lot to unpack with the whole mom mess.30(6) Did yoga today! Setting a rule that I can't get on my phone until I do it. Therapist is going to talk to my psychiatrist about getting me on something for the anxiety. Fingers crossed bcuz this sucks!
July
MTWTFSS
  1(5) Hoping to hear from my psych tomorrow. I might have to wait till the 10th. Finding that I have more motivation & I wake up early but go back to sleep. Caffeine free & yoga everyday to help anxiety.2(4) No word on an anti anxiety med but I ended up calling them about my dizziness. I've reported it many times & now that I'm doing yoga it's a big problem. I can't bend over w/o getting super dizzy.3(5) So dizzy & lightheaded. Took my reduced Luvox for the first time last night. Hope this helps SOON. Daughter started her period. I just happened to see she signed up for a period tracker when I...4No Reasons5(5) Lowering the Luvox has definitely made a difference. Only felt dizzy once today. Still have anxiety but a lot of it is worrying about what the hell I'll do when BF & daughter go back to school. It...
6(5) I made dinner tonight. I'm glad to give BF a break from cooking even if it's just one meal. It was really good! Super hungry now though. Might have some ramen even though BF won't like that.7(4) I thought the dizziness & anxiety got better with the Luvox reduction but it's still there. Really worried about BF & daughter going back to school. BF is barely hearing anything about plans. Nervous!8(6) Just got off the phone with my (ex)stepdad. I didn't call him on Father's Day & had been feeling bad about it. It was good to talk with him. I'll be going for a visit soon. Therapy in the morning.9(5) Therapy went well. Reported a panic attack on the 2nd & two, almost three, yesterday. Speak to psychiatrist tomorrow. Don't have much hope for him prescribing something. Worrying so much about...10(4) Psychiatrist didn't give me anything for anxiety &, for some reason, raised my Luvox dose back to what we thought was making me dizzy. Who knows? Tardive Dyskinesia is bad. I went from a 1 on...11No Reasons12No Reasons
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