4.7 avg
  650 days
  12862 hugs
 1(4) Why am I such an idiot? Why do I never learn from anything?
(4) Still eating too much, and badly, but trying to set some other things right and making plans. Veering from tearfulness to determination and back again and every place in between.
2(3) 3(4) Well today was a write off - didn't get out of bed despite having arranged to meet M. Haven't heard from him since I broke it off just before Christmas but had said we could meet in new year if he
(6) Reading in bed, my cat asleep on my lap - snoring. God I love her - she and her snoring make this moment a 6
4(4) So tired of myself5(5) Though the day was a loss, did get myself out of bed around 5, took shower, put on clean clothes and walked to the shop and back, with much healthier food than last couple of weeks. Made some porridge6(6) Not feeling a 6 but need to give myself one as I did a bit of cleaning and quite a bit of cooking, so less to do in this back-to-work week. Froze some of what I made as well, which is what I used to
7(4) Sleeping is going to be harder than I thought, even though I did stuff today - on completely different sleeping schedule (ie incompatible with working life). Just have to suck it up now and tomorrow
(5) I did my exact hours today (9-5) but felt much longer as I had so little sleep and the office was freezing. So much work, especially before Thursday...Tired...
8(5) Doing stuff at work but of course not the stuff I need to get done - aargh. On the positive side, got up on time again so woo me.9No Reasons10No Reasons11(3) 12No Reasons13(5) Spent time with M today, first time I've seen him since I broke it off with him, just before Christmas. He had asked if we could meet up - but I'm not sure what was going on. We caught up about what
14No Reasons15(4) Not a good day at work - mainly because a lot was happening and need to manage that as well as what's already on my plate16(5) Another not great day at work but I feel okay, at least for now17(5) 18(5) End of a long and difficult week. Really tired. Trying to think about what is going well, where I have made progress (however small), rather than just focusing on what I haven't done. Not so good at19(5) 5 simply because not feeling much except tired. 12.30 and not yet out of bed (got up at 6.30 to feed cat, take meds - but not getting up at that hour on a Sat after the week I've had). Got first flat20No Reasons
21(2) Actually was the worst news from landlord: they've decided to sell the flat and have given 3 months' notice. Since I'm in the same position that made moving difficult last summer - cat, no deposit -22(5) Feeling really down and tired, so much work to do on top of flat hell - but I have some good friends at work and we had laughs today. I also did some good work. Need to remember this stuff sometimes23(7) How I felt first thing at work this morning when I opened an email from the colleague whose approval I want the most which said 'I am most impressed with the clarity and thoroughness of your report'
(5) Rest of the day? Not so great. But more laughs with some of my colleagues. I am so lucky to have them.
24(5) Knackered. One more day of work and then a chance to rest, though also need to start looking for new flat. And have my appraisal with my boss on Monday. UGH.25(4) S**t afternoon at work which ruined day - felt really frustrated and angry. Left 10 minutes early....made a nice, healthy dinner, have some nice chocolate (tho I 've had WAY too much this,week). Still26No Reasons27No Reasons
28(5) 29(3) On my way home discovered I lost my wallet. Had to ring bank etc when I got home. Long day at work already. Cried on the bus on the way home because everything is going wrong. And I have upset a Panda30(5) Long day at work but did finish a piece of work that's been overdue for a while. Still irked about a lot of stuff and wish I was making more progress at work31(6) On my way into work this morning Edinburgh looked so beautiful in the frost - and at lunchtime walked on campus, thought again how lucky I am to be in a beautiful place. Everything else? Pretty crap
    1(6) 6 eve n if it's just for the week being over. Stayed late almost every night, feeling tired, although at least I got a few hoary old tasks done. Started snowing on way home, so beautiful.2(6) Another beautiful winter day. Had to go into town to replace lost bus card, order new bank card etc but, even after a long and crappy week, didn't feel unbelievably tired, as usually do at weekend.3(5) Meh. More tired today than yesterday, which was bit disappointing. In bed til afternoon but finally got some laundry done.
4(3) Very difficult meeting at work. Glad that a colleague was here afterwards to talk to. Still finding it difficult to get my thoughts back to ordinary work.5(4) Just enough time left to rate today....things are really tough at work, sitting with my cat, waiting to fall asleep, that's lifted things a bit6(4) New bank card arrived, makes life easier. Work still quite difficult, feeling pretty tired. Will be glad to get meeting over tomorrow morning. Chipped one of my front teeth somehow this morning, which7(4) Long and difficult meeting this morning, outcome okay which will, in time, outweigh the draining effect on me. Had a call at end of day from a colleague/friend, saying he needed a friend - his father8No Reasons9(5) Slept a lot. Went to shops, still windy but clear and crisp. Have some chocolate, lots to read, can sleep in again tomorrow, Monday off:). Okay = 510(5) Have an appt to see a flat tomorrow- hope this is the start of better things....
11(6) Think I have found a flat. Never believe in these things til I actually live there, but everything looks good. I've been lucky to live in nice flats, and this one is okay, but main thing is can live
(7) And it's my 600th day on MP! Lots of us have had anniversaries here lately and I'm one of the young ones (finally - somewhere!). Love you Pandas!!
12(6) Got email with lease this morning and he's taken it off the market so beginning to believe in the flat a bit more. Sorting out leave from work etc. Thought of being able to live on my own again, with13(6) Friend rang me tonight, which was a nice end to a not so great day.14(5) Meh. Long day, so much happening at work....15(5) Another long day at work....16No Reasons17(5) Slept and rested again today- had a very long week and another one ahead. But this time next week should be in the new flat - on my own again, hurray. Will still have a lot more moving etc to do but
18(4) Very long day. Can't wait for this week to be over19(4) 20No Reasons21(5) Big meeting today which I'd been preparing for over several months, think it went okay. Still so much to do. Saturday is first part of move - can't wait to be on my own again. New office mate on22No Reasons23(6) 1am so later today will get keys to new flat. Will move some stuff in over the weekend, enough for me and the cat to live there. Monday off, then working rest of week and taking 1st 2 weeks in March
(6) Got keys to new flat this morning, spent most of tonight there cleaning - quite filthy! But that's made me feel a bit more like it's mine. Plugged in Feliway and got rest of the cat's stuff, plan is
24(6) In the new flat, though still have to move most of my stuff. Brought cat over a little while ago, she seems happy. Rather super new guy seems interested in me - wtf, Pandas???? Really tired, sorta ill
25No Reasons26(6) So much on at work - concerned but spoken to my boss and that's all I can do. Really need this upcoming 2 week break. Still not feeling too great physically, bit of a cold and felt light headed and27(6) The magnificent John T Panda set up the document below to allow those Pandas who'd like to be in touch outside MP to share email addresses: . https://goo.gl/Ufb286 Just added mine, finally!
(5) Even more work stuff - trying to be realistic about what I can get done by Fri, especially when not feeling 100%. Also trying to manage expectations about The Guy - it's quite fun emailing and making
28(5) Tomorrow is my last day at work before 2 week break - already finding it hard to focus, partly because of cold. And also spending too much time thinking about The Guy. For example, no email yesterday
    1(5) Last day before 2 weeks leave and of course spending most of my day in meetings/talking to people! Have a load of stuff to get done and my cold is really bothering me. Ugh. Just want to go home..
(7) On the up side: email from The Guy after nothing since Tues. Looks like we will meet up some time next week. Excited and scared s***tless.
2(5) Really tired, feeling miserable with cold. Slept in, got up for a little while and sat with cat, then went back to sleep and just got up. Nearly 8 pm. Still feeling rubbish. Also answered a few other3No Reasons
4(5) 1st day of leave. Was in work yesterday (Sunday!!) and still have 1 or 2 things to finish but that's okay. Cold still making me feel crappy. Hoping guy comes today to fix boiler and toilet. Can't wait5(5) Haircut (good), dentist (you're going to need a new crown he said gleefully), new vacuum cleaner, drawing of raven. Emailing with another guy who seems quite cool. Not sure what, if anything, is6(6) ...and an email from The Guy arrives. Looks like we're meeting on Thursday - just time and place to fix. Excited and very nervous already....7(5) Having lunch with The Guy today. Feeling okay at the moment but nerves will come...Wish me luck!
(6) Had a really nice lunch with The Guy - both good food and talk. He said he enjoyed it, and that his work trip for next week won't now be til next month. I had to leave to get back here for an appt but
8(5) Not heard anything back yet from The Guy - have to keep reminding myself this isn't a 'thing ' and that he has a really busy life. Also emailed other guy as I've enjoyed our conversations, keep
(5) The Guy emailed me this morning saying he'd enjoyed it and would invite me to his flat once it's sorted. (Yesterday we discussed the difficulties of minimalism/maximalism; we both live in small flats)
(5) Boiler Guy came - part needs replacing and he has to order it, so a few more days of topping it up. Did some stuff around the flat but 'resting' at the moment.
9(5) Up early (for a Saturday) to get a delivery - nothing exciting, a set of steps, but will allow me to get further with cleaning and organising kitchen. Going back and forth about what The Guy may be
(6) Had email earlier from The Other Guy asking if we should speak on the phone. So - agreed to speak at 4.30 and spent a lovely hour and a half chatting. Not something I normally do with people! At end
10(6) 6 because it's snowing :)
11(5) Funny kind of day so 5. Brutal half hour at dentist (prep work for new crown/temporary fix for chipped crown/scaling...!) and then to GP for 3 monthly injection. Had email from The Guy in response to12No Reasons13(5) Nice day, been getting some stuff done in the flat tho still way behind. Somehow can't shift meh feeling. 5 but flat14(6) The OG* and I have all our plans in place for meeting up in Edinburgh on Saturday. Hope weather won't be a problem - snow is possible! However, he's a proper Cumbrian outdoor guy and I grew up15(6) Still snow forecast for tomorrow, but hopeful it won't affect the OG's journey up here too much. Looking forward to meeting him. Found my Neil Young CDs after thinking might have lost them in move!16(5) Well, it's certainly snowing!! But buses still running and forecast is for snow to stop mid morning, so just got to see what happens...
(4) So - had a nice lunch with the OG but nothing there - won't be meeting up again. That's fine but undoubtedly feeling a bit down, 0 for 2....Just keep on going...
17(5) Back to work tomorrow after two weeks' leave -.anxious. Still have stuff to move into the flat, boiler part hasn't come yet so that still has to be sorted. Talking to a couple of other guys on the
18(5) Felt like a very long first day back at work, even tho I stuck to 9 - 5. Two of my closest pals at work are signed off work for next 2 weeks; texted both, think they both feel pretty down. Meh.19(2) 9.30 - first meeting of the day and it was quite horrid. Cried in the toilets. Great - only day 2 back from leave...If people don't have confidence in my work and judgement, wonder why I'm here.20(5) Boiler guy coming today with the part so unexpected working from home day. Feeling a bit down about everything, but sitting in sun, waiting to eat my porridge, so - 5.21No Reasons22No Reasons23(5) Hoping boiler saga will end this morning - just waiting for him to arrive after yesterday's emergency call meant he couldn't come here. Then going into Edinburgh to meet someone - talking to a couple24(6) Had a lovely day yesterday with D, whom I met for the first time - a lot of fun, including some top quality beer and food. We'd both like to meet up again - he's about to go off shore so we're going
25(5) Work = s**t. Personal life = not bad! I'm probably asking too much, but - could this even out? I don't even know how to rate it.26(5) Work is just hard going right now. Had nice dinner with M. Still having good exchanges with a few men on the site. Feeling pretty tired and long day ahead tomorrow.27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30(6) Really difficult and tiring week at work, but trying to put that to one side. Glad MP is working again! Still emailing back and forth with a few nice guys and making plans to meet one in 2 weeks31No Reasons
1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons
8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13(4) Date last night with someone I'd been emailing with for a few weeks, thought it went well but haven't heard anything further. Coming up to last few days of lease for other flat, need to get things14No Reasons
15No Reasons16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20(7) Having had a date with a guy about 3 weeks ago, we've been messaging during that time as he was then away for work and just returned. He invited me up to Aberdeen for a few days over the Easter break
(7) Going back home tomorrow after a few days with D here in Aberdeen. Met him via website, we've agreed to come off that and see where things go. Had a wonderful time with him, talking to him is so easy,
21(7) Got home late afternoon - really missing D already and nice to have some messages that said he felt same. Monday is holiday so need to spend some time doing laundry, beginning to sort out the mess
22No Reasons23No Reasons24(6) Okay day - 6 because it seems likely I'll see D this weekend.25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28(7) Another wonderful weekend with D - this time in Dundee, where he grew up/his parents still have a flat (they're both in care homes). Really falling for him, and trying to calm myself! Not looking
29No Reasons30(5) In London today for meeting - haven't been here since I last worked here over 6 years ago, by choice. Quite surreal, overnight journey for Edinburgh, got here around 6 -am and walked for few hours/
(5) On train back to Edinburgh, training was okay, had some nice food:), but really starting to flag now despite water and tea. Bit of messaging with D today but he's kind of occupied with his daughters