6.1 avg
  971 days
  6318 hugs
  152 followers
January
MTWTFSS
    1(5) So much anxiety almost every night. I need my Propranolol. Gotta wait two more days. Paranoia, and gripping fear? What am I afraid of, really? Being alone, being unloved, or is it a blow to my ego2(7) Sister is back home and back to her grumpy critical old self. Drugs looked so good on her! Ah well. She has lost weight after the surgery, she is basically skeletal at this point, and she is nauseous3No Reasons
4(7) Talked to mom on the phone, opened up about some of my feelings. She called again a couple hours later to ask if I was having a bad phase, and to tell me I was special, beautiful and lovable. ? Awwww5No Reasons6(5) My sister's tumor turned out to be cancer after all. They've removed everything, so I think there is hope, but she feels doomed. Life as she knew it is indeed over. I am sort of in shock. I can't7(7) Lovely morning. Propranolol helping. Some self care. Face masks, watching stand up, going to try and journal more often. I don't like doing it digitally is the problem. And though E. has told me8(8) Looks like my depressive phase is over! All of a sudden I'm not worried, I enjoy people, and going places and doing things. I am able to look at my life and acknowledge that I am truly happy.9No Reasons10(8) Had a bit of an upset time today but back to feeling good again (thank you, E.) Painted backgrounds for my triptych, a side of Heartburn and a fragment for another painting. Happy.
(8) Feeling wonderful all day, basically
11(6) Morning was lovely, then heard a song and got upset. Feeling very vulnerable, but ok.12(6) Got a weighted blanket, it's VERY relaxing. Played some video games. Had a lovely chat with bestie. Wish I had a bit more energy, but it's hard to stay motivated at a stagnant lockdown time.13(5) Woke up flat and sad and worried and irritable and sad. Been like that all day. It's been an ok day though.14No Reasons15(6) Got my weird mole removed. Did some grocery shopping. Drove around with E. for his work. I'm still suffering from splitting. I don't know what to do about it. I'll find a solution, I always do. Right?16(8) Chance of getting a new flat for cheap. Watched Loving Vincent tonight. Experimenting with antidepressants without Doc's advice, irresponsible but I really know what to do... Hair and skin doing17(8) Had a meltdown two days ago, felt a bit weird last night as well, but woke up feeling good today. Very light, very me, if that makes sense. Face skin looking more alive. It's worth trying new
18(6) Lots of sadness with spikes of joy. Intrusive thoughts and paranoia won't let me be. Tired of being depressed, of wasting all my time on thinking of people that don't matter and situations that may19(5) Looking back at my life, I've never been able to believe I was loved in a relationship, not beyond the first couple of months, anyway. I think back to ex after ex, and I was either sure they didn't20No Reasons21(7) Can't say I believe in magic properties of stones and such, but I believe in placebo effect, and anyway who cares, I know today self-care felt possible, and I'm in an overall loving mood, self love
(3) Triggered, had a meltdown, but spoke very openly about my feelings and thoughts without offending anyone. That was well done I think. I can't make Goblin stop. The best I can do is remember: Goblin
22(5) Tidied, cooked, painted and played the guitar. Fighting obsessive thoughts as hard as I can. E. inspired and and up.to his ears in a business idea. Nice to see him so happy.23No Reasons24(5) I need to get back to an acceptable baseline. I've been struggling since end of October. Painting and books on psychology don't help this time. What should I try? Spirituality? I have to face things
(4) Some meditation and reading Tao The Ching helped me out of the deepest hole, but still a long way to go to acceptable quality of life. Will keep going tomorrow. Dreamt of my mother dying, my sister
25No Reasons26(4) Been doing ok for the most part, but intrusive thoughts have caught up with me just now. I'm so tired.27(5) I'm feelinguch better today. Intrusive thoughts come but don't hurt, not really. Danced, went for a walk, talked to bestie, did grocery shopping, threw out glass and returned plastic bottles. Meditate28(5) Been anxious and somewhat angry all day, meditation (heart this time) turned it around completely. I've gone through old jewelry and keepsakes and broke off some bits and made them into 7 chakra29(2) Very tough day. Conflict with E. showing itself fully. Some resolution. Solar plexus meditation: interesting discovery. It's about identity, and obvs BPD = identity disturbance. It was hard to find
(4) Thinking back I can see how thinking negative thoughts has been becoming more and more of a habit for me as years went by. It is very hard to think anything positive at this point. Gotta work on it.
30No Reasons31(5) Australian wine and Brat 2 soundtrack. Takes me back to 20 years ago when I went mad. 'They loved me back there, but it wasn't me'. It was thought but it's gone way downhill since then. Sigh. Ah well.
(5) Distraction+ meditation + pushing myself to think positive thoughts to balance out the dark ones+ gratitude exercises + imagining I'm John and I love the snow and the cold. Gotta keep going! I did get
February
MTWTFSS
1(5) Good day overall. I find I'm reluctant to go above five lately because there is always this ambient anxiety, like I've stepped into dog poop and now the smell is following me around. Depression stinks2(6) Some fear of obsessive thoughts, but a good day overall. I went for a walk, had a lovely chat with J and some laughs watching Happy!3(7) First session with a new therapist. She is young and likes a laugh. I don't know if I'll be comfortable telling her about the darker sides of me, but today was quite uplifting.4(6) A good day tinged with a bit of insecurity about my body thoughts triggered by a statement. I noticed the first half and fixated on it, ignoring the second half that was a compliment (and the goal of5(5) Had a sort of a weird moment when a voice in my head said: I've thought about this person six times in the last few months, and that's six times more than they deserve. I don't care and I'm not6(5) Numb. This is a phase I really don't like, it feels so boring and pointless. Would I rather be suffering? Not really. But I don't like this thing either.7No Reasons
8No Reasons9(6) I feel a bit empty, my head is quiet, thoughts don't get stuck in there which is fab. I've had a laughing fit for the first time in a long while.10(6) Angry at my psychiatrist. I hate to be told off like a child. I know I forgot my ECG for the second time in a row, but guess what I've been depressed as fuck and I told you about it and aren't you11(6) A good day. Chill12(6) I had two drops in mood when despair just jumps out at me. Otherwise a good, quiet day.13(5) A rollercoaster. Ecstatic one minute, contemplating suicide another. Exhausted. If I had to curse someone I wouldn't wish death or physical sickness on them. I'd curse them with BPD. Let all you have
(5) Intrusive thoughts again. Asked for reassurance, got some relief, but it won't last long. I can't handle being in love. I know it's what I wanted but I'm too insane. It's too much. But I am, nothing
14No Reasons
15(6) Did some sledging, took some selfies with E., had a nice dinner and some good wine, watched some old vids and Love Actually, it's been a good valentine's ? ? room for improvement though. I still16(6) What I need most of all these days is clarity, but isn't that what eludes people who are considered 'crazy' most? If only for a while, I wish I could see clearly.
(8) An all-round good day. Did nothing special, but feeling quite stable. Watching The Staircase and vids on body dysmorphia for self-help.
17No Reasons18(6) My heart is full of holes, wherever you touch it it hurts. I wanted to try everything, and I've paid the price. But still, it's a heart and it's function is to love. Not to know the future, or believe
(7) I said, Goblin, you spend all that energy attacking the person in whose head you live. Do you realize if I die you will die, too? I know you want to hurt people, even if I'm the only one available,
19No Reasons20(6) It was a lovely day, I was spoiled and loved and yet intrusive thoughts never stopped. Hopefully I'll have less of them someday soon. It's about time!21(9) Talking to bestie made me feel heard. Laughed my head off for most of the night. Perfectly happy. A rare jewel of a night.
22(7) A very good day that so easily gets ruined by me getting triggered. I'll lower it to a seven for that reason. Feeling happy about the arrival of spring, a little bit of motivation and new temporary23(5) Was irritable and angry all day, instigated a bit, but got a handle on it. Ended up having an episode anyway, but hid it from everyone. Felt totally crazy and out of control. But I'm ok now.24(6) I might try and start a YouTube channel about BPD. I've been writing scripts for it.25No Reasons26(7) A busy day packing, taking boxes into storage, a quick hang with E's fam. Mood labile but soothed by attention. Didn't have time to do my writing, I had gotten almost used to it as a little ritual.27(6) Another day spent cleaning and packing. Instead of rest felt like working on my vlog project. Doing something creative is better than Netflix, especially if you're someone like me who gets triggered28No Reasons