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  807 days
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  133 followers
January
MTWTFSS
  1(8) Happy New Year, pandas!
(9) I've finished a painting today. It's really saying everything I wanted it to and that's an amazing feeling. Only problem is that it's very, very triggering for anyone who might cut. I'm not going to
2No Reasons3No Reasons4No Reasons5(6) Listening to some music by the light of a candle. I haven't done this in years. It's pretty magical. Kiwi the cat is sitting next to me staring at the candle, too.
6(6) Very quiet night at work. Too quiet! Used the time to read and do some emotional literacy exercises. I've been slacking. Happy times will do that to you :) I'm worried about a lot of things but very7No Reasons8(8) Work week done. I feel much better after telling my best friend and lovey about my anxiety and the thoughts behind it. He's the best and I love him to bits.9No Reasons10(7) Doing good though low on energy. Watched The Unicorn Store tonight. It's cute.11(5) I've had a flashback episode last night followed by a long panic attack and now I'm completely drained and filled with self-loathing. And yet I don't know how to rate this because my bestie has made12(6) Feeling much better today but decided to take the day off from going outside. Slept in, tidied up my room and just chilled. Going to work soon.
13No Reasons14(6) Feeling good. Meditating a bit and setting goals for relationships, with mom for example. Making plans for summer. My first salary is due tomorrow. It's pathetic but I'm still glad and kinda proud.15No Reasons16(6) Had my first big stress and the first crazy thing happening at work. Hanging out and visiting people this week. Feeling OK.17(6) I don't really want to see anyone today, but we're going to visit some people. Made plans a while ago. Will be home tomorrow. I'm feeling perpetually jetlagged because I work nights.18(5) PTSD episode last night. Got triggered and cried a bunch. Feeling kind of embarrassed. Working on letting that shame go. I've got a weird brain and I'm doing my best.19No Reasons
20(6) Going to be working 5 nights this week. Will see what it's like on weekends. Will get paid extra for that. Nice!21(3) Took sertraline at the wrong time again, feeling miserable. Upset about work trouble. Need to remind myself that I've been here for less than 2 months and have hardly had any training (5 days ffs)22No Reasons23No Reasons24(7) Yesterday was nice, I had a nice phone call. Enjoyed my day off today. Did some painting yesterday. Daydreaming. Wishing for things to happen sooner. Sad and happy.25(8) I'm a soap bubble made by a small child, my sides are pretty like petrol puddles, and I am happy to burst into a million of shiny droplets.26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29(3) Glad Moodpanda is back! Couldn't access it for 2 days. I've had a rough time. Screwed up at work so the following dialogue with inner critic ensued: You are so dumb and worthless, you should just30(6) Having a nice day even though I've felt I'll at night. Irritated by I. but hoping to not let it get out of control.31No Reasons
February
MTWTFSS
     1No Reasons2(5) Had a tough conversation last night. Very tired today but went afro dancing and played some MTG after that. It was nice. Wish I could hang out with J now. He makes it better even though he's not here.
(5) Ever since I've recovered some suppressed memories I've been suffering quite a bit but it was sort of... Vague. Now that I've talked about it out loud it has become real. So I guess I'm past denial
3No Reasons4(6) Still not doing great but determined to help myself get back up. When the inner critic quiets down at least I can think of helping myself without spiralling into darkness. Gotta use this time wisely.5(5) People who love me tell me to fight for myself, to be good to myself, to be supportive of myself. And when I try to I realise that under all the sadness I am actually very, very angry. I am angry
(6) Last work night tonight. Feeling better today. Enjoying the quiet winter nights at the hotel. They say in summer it's hellish. I'm sure it's nothing I haven't seen before. Going to watch Killing Eve
6No Reasons7No Reasons8(6) MTG night tonight. Had a stream of nightmares, that was unpleasant.9(6) Feeling better, got a bit of energy and some creative ideas. Hopefully, the 'bad' phase is over.
10(4) Last week at work I did great! But this one got off to a bad start. Made a silly mistake that I'm not authorized to fix. All because I hadn't said my nightly prayer to the gods of audit! It probably
(8) This morning as I was sitting in a freezing cold railway station, and there were no trains and no way to get home, and I was tired and annoyed and cold and stressed, my best friend called me.
11No Reasons12No Reasons13(8) Have travelled to my sister's this morning after a night shift. Had a laughing fit while chatting to J. on the train, got yet another creative idea. Definitely an up phase!14No Reasons15(7) Visiting my sister. She is being uncharacteristically sweet. Getting soft in her old age, I love it! Mum is arriving today, she might ruin the moment, but maybe she won't.16(7) Mum's here. My plan is be nice and chill. Let's hope I can do it.
17(8) A couple nights ago my sister and I sat on the sofa and hugged and just stayed like that for several minutes. This is the most hugging we've ever done. It was lovely. Now I'm going back to work.18No Reasons19(6) Mood a bit wobbly today. Migraine is probably at fault. Don't feel like doing any housework but have no choice.20(6) It's been a mood this birthday. I've watched a video of 11-22 year old me doing music school concerts, mock plays at home, comedy club with friends. I was charismatic. I was beautifull21No Reasons22No Reasons23(7) I'm happy.
24No Reasons25(4) Last night I've been open about something that makes me very uneasy because I feel as if I was being attacked even though in reality I'm not. Being that open with anyone except my bestie is very26No Reasons27(6) Drew some symbols on myself instead of self harm. I've gotten into creating my own symbols lately. It's a good way to externalise emotions that I tend to push down. It's fun and creative, too.28No Reasons29(7) Had a lovely time cutting cards and making decks with friends. Great weekend.
March
MTWTFSS
      1(8) Love makes bad things better and things that used to go unnoticed meaningful. Watching the seasons change is one of those things previously unnoticed by me. This time I'm happy to see the coming
2No Reasons3(6) Nice night at work chatting with the Russian colleague. We chare am interest in true crime and MTG, and she's an good conversationalist.4No Reasons5(4) Woke up at 3 pm, felt apathetic all day. Ended up triggering myself. First sharp pain and fear, then zoning out, feeling almost drugged, motor skills suffering, unable to concentrate. grounding myself6No Reasons7No Reasons8(8) Anyone here watch the series Pose? Well, I've just been to a ball. If you do you'll know what I mean. It was amazing!
(4) Serotonin is no joke especially if you are bipolar. Don't be like auntie Alicia, kids :)
9(6) I'm not a professional artist or anything but sometimes when I paint something happens that I couldn't have predicted and my paintings say more than I wanted to say. And it feels amazing.10(5) OK day. Got a bit panicked for a silly reason. A. got triggered and has plunged into a depression. Luckily says he is not planning suicide. Went to meet him at a cafe, listened to him for a bit before11(5) Wanna do nothing. Talk to (almost) no-one. Just go to work and watch stuff and sleep and go back to work. Could be worse.12No Reasons13No Reasons14(6) If it's the end of the world, what's the one thing you'd absolutely have to do?15No Reasons
16(5) I'm not panicking (yet?) but I'm just thinking of how hard it is to be far away from your loved ones when something scary is happening. I'm thinking of my mom, my sister, my friends, all the people17(6) Through a series of unfortunate events in childhood, some tragic, some just badly timed, most quite ordinary, I've developed a bad case of abandonment anxiety. It's enough for me to imagine
(6) Through a series of unfortunate events in childhood, some tragic, some just badly timed, most quite ordinary, I've developed a bad case of abandonment anxiety. It's enough for me to imagine
18No Reasons19(7) I can't help but be happy when I get such positive attention. Please, scientists, make the corona vaccine asap and let us travel this summer. Everything crossed.20(5) Starting midnight, we are not to leave our homes except for groceries, meds and work. I know I won't be bored but it makes one appreciate the freedom to go and do things much more.21No Reasons22No Reasons
23(6) Getting out of a very toxic relationship is a bit like coming home from a war (no comparison really, but bear with me). Certain things have been drilled into you. You've learned to follow orders,24No Reasons25(6) Lockdown is not so bad here. I go on walks every day, I do some grocery shopping, I talk to people online, I paint. Mood is OK though I did get somewhat flashbacky last night.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(5) Got some pretty intense pain in my left hip. Not going on a walk today. Still painting and playing Dicey Dungeons. Drinking too much. Wishing hard I was somewhere else. Hoping for this whole Corona29No Reasons
30(6) Hip dong better but I've been very careful with it. It's been a nice day. Dance lesson online, a little walk in the most miserable weather, played some Grim Fandango, talked to a good friend on the31(7) Something has changed for the better recently. I have remembered my trauma, thought about it, worked on it for a bit and now... I don't feel like I am inherently disgusting and bad and dirty.
April
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2(5) Bit of a flashback last night. Feeling a bit guilty. Getting through it though. Change is afoot once again. I'm anxious and excited. Once this Corona ordeal is over... who knows what might happen.3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons
6(7) Been doing good. No self-hate, no suicidal thoughts, no self-harm urges at all. This is fantastic. I'm even feeling less empty.7No Reasons8(8) The trials of the last few days have made me reevaluate the foundations of my self-esteem ( or lack thereof). I have gained in confidence. I think it's made me better as a person. I might write the9No Reasons10(9) Had a little chat with J. before bed, fell asleep feeling completely and totally happy.11(7) Life is good.12(8) Got the bicycles ready for the summer. Feels good to have done something useful.
13(7) Hammock time. Soft music. Rainy weather. Glad to be alive.14No Reasons15(4) Mood up and down today. It's silly, but that might be because of YouTube drama involving one of my favourite YouTubers. I am happy and I'm sad and I feel ashamed and vulnerable and confident.16(2) Flashbacks be flashbacky. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was better, I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul, I wish I was special.17No Reasons18No Reasons19(8) This is the first time in my life I'm experiencing what I think is healthy communication in times of stress. It doesn't sound very romantic, but it is and I am so very very lucky to have my love. ^_^
(7) It is a good day to dye! My hair is now the colour of expressionist beetroot. I love it and it makes my eyes look quite nice.
20No Reasons21No Reasons22(5) Walked 8 km, took some photos. Felt irritable but wasn't an asshole to anyone. Had a cathartic moment. It was tough but probably worth it.23(2) The unavoidable crisis has happened, cried for 24 hours (on and off), now feeling like a zombie. No energy, no motivation, no drive. But! No suicidal thoughts and few cutting ones. Good.24No Reasons25(6) Much, much better. Great weather, lovely J., Cats are fluffy, skies are blue.26(6) Tired and lacking in energy but feeling peaceful and content. Almost.
27No Reasons28(5) Had an unpleasant conversation. Will not speak to the person again, and frankly I should have just ignored him. My bad. Triggered last night, tired and anxious today.29No Reasons30(5) Anxious and self-conscious. Hoping a long walk in the woods helps.
May
MTWTFSS
    1(6) Doing ok. Lacking motivation to do things that need to be done. Papers, calls, that kind of stuff. Missing work and alone time. Missing my J. Otherwise ok.2No Reasons3(6) It's been a great day. I've had a vogue lesson online, done some chores, played some games. And then I watched a film and got quite upset. So I'll give it a six I suppose.
4No Reasons5(3) Irritable and sad. It feels like I. never agrees on anything with me. Whether we watch something or talk about human traits. I find that really annoying. Why is that? I know many people would, but why6(5) Needing alone time AND people. Who's complicated? I'm not complicated!7No Reasons8No Reasons9(5) I miss my job. I miss the distraction of it, the not being in my head all the time. I miss being home alone. Being alone is when I relax. It's rare that I can do that fully around another person.
(6) Having a little getaway. Sitting by the river in my favourite spot, hidden from everyone, having some ice tea and watching the water carry leaves, and twigs, and flowers by. It will one day get
10No Reasons
11No Reasons12(6) Feeling better. Hairdresser tomorrow. Pumped! In love. Want to be talking to J. roind the clock.13(6) Got the dark reddish purple hair I wanted. missing the crazy pink now *eyeroll*. Looks good though.14No Reasons15(6) There are two cats sharing this flat, the gorgeous and loveable Marvin and the little neurotic but cute weirdo, Kiwi. I can't help but love Kiwi more. Marvin could be happy with anyone, and Kiwi needs16No Reasons17(8) Fun time at a party (sort of), then painting till 4 AM
18(5) Feeling drained after yesterday's excitement. That's how it always goes. Quiet evening reading a book.19No Reasons20(5) It's been a weird day. I've had some epiphanies, I've talked about them, and I've heard some new stuff from I. I don't know how I feel about it. Everything is so complicated. I don't mean to be a liar21(5) I've had all the epiphanies my brain can take yesterday. It had made me feel scared and lost and anxious. Hearing J's voice on the phone felt like coming home. Like becoming a real person again.22No Reasons23No Reasons24(5) I don't always know exactly what I'm feeling in the moment. I guess that's ok. It's a little scary not having an answer though. It's scary not having control.
25(5) Been very up and down lately. Calmer today I think. Making plans for the future is a welcome change, even though none of us knows when and if life will go back to normal.
(2) Triggered into feeling like I don't have a home, like I don't have any rights and I don't matter, I am alone, lost and insignificant. Oh, and I have to sit through driving theory feeling this way.
26No Reasons27(6) Have been rapid cycling (or something), very up and down all the time. Psychiatrist today, so I'd like to make this day all about self care. Listen to books, walk from the clinic, enjoy the simple28No Reasons29(5) Trying new antidepressants. Gotta quit drinking for real. Afraid to face my emotions day in and day out. Feeling like a fat, disgusting, worthless coward. I. has had teeth done today, she is in pain30No Reasons31(5) Gained some weight, very upset about that. Thinking I might have ruined everything with J. These feelings could partially be due to going off Sertralin. I hope. Who the hell knows.
June
MTWTFSS
1(2) This is for yesterday when I got triggered.2(6) Day 7 of new antidepressants. Had a 17 km bike ride which is a big deal for me. Loved it. Ride through fields, and forests, and villagers, saw a group of storcks and a wild deer cross my path just 203(7) Finally feeling better. Bupropion plus honest communication plus cycling every day, those are all a factor, I'm sure. I can't walk long distances because my hip and my knee hurt, so this new sport is4No Reasons5(6) Did 30 km on bike, half of them in the rain. It was a bit too cold for my taste, but I do feel a sense of achievement. Got a lovely package containing three awesome books. Been a little stressed about6(6) Ok, so I'm now officially in an open marriage with I. Of course I'm glad, since I am in love with J., and now I can be that without feeling like a lying piece of shit. If only he was here, or at least7No Reasons
8(8) Seems like Bupropion has kicked in big time. The effects of Sertralin have worn off, and I'm really enjoying having my normal sex drive back. Feeling energised and motivated. No side effects to report9(8) Everything is just so easy with J. Performing a song, talking about addictions, phone sex, saying the words 'I love you', making jokes, asking for forgiveness, forgiving, banter, being myself.10No Reasons11(0) Relapse, don't do it, when you want to go to it. A very rough night. Had a bag of waffles in the middle of the night. In bed. 600 kcal. Also some very minor cutting. Stopped almost in time. PTSD is12(5) Working on a painting called 'never beyond repair' last night really helped. As did a talk today and some cycling. But most of all it was a breakthrough in talking to Goblin (if I had DID, they13No Reasons14(6) A cat has jumped out in front of me as I was cycling. Cat's fine, but I've ripped my bad knee to shreds. Otherwise a nice day. It's weird, how injuries almost make my mood better. It's a pity I won't
15(6) Quiet day, long walk in the woods, wrong shoes but still nice. Shoulder is very sore where I took some skin off as I fell. The only clothes I can bear on it is my silk dressing gown. Feeling queenly.
(4) The last episode has triggered distrust and overthinking in me that I can't shake. I am really bad at romantic relationships. I am a good friend, relative, colleague, but being in love feels so
16(5) Slightly anxious all day before my first driving lesson with an actual instructor. It was moved from early afternoon to evening. Hope it goes by quick.17(6) Having a first aid course today, feeling sleepy and bored. Irritable lately. Driving was fun though. Unsettled, could be a side effect of Bupropion.18(3) 8 days in a row does not technically make it a depression, but I'm going with calling it that anyway. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to be sober for this, but I am. I can't stop crying when I'm19(6) Feeling better thanks to support from J. He is the best! Done my hair lilacy pink, it's uncomfortably bright again :)20No Reasons21(6) I. says: 'I think I'm too simple for you. Too normal'. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this. Ever since I was a kid. Even my elder sister has said that (more than once). I. says about her
22(5) I. has asked me some questions I don't quite know how to answer, or maybe I just don't have the balls yet. I'll have to give myself a little more time.23(6) Got some things off my chest. Feeling numbed out. Back in the saddle today! Did a lazy 25 k, my knees feel tired.24(6) Had double driving this morning, was so tense my back hurt. I need a massage. Went on a bike ride. I've got a helmet of my own now, it's ridiculously pink (as is my hair) and I love it. Will take the25No Reasons26(7) Cycled to and back from the psychiatrist appointment. It was nice. I am soon to be assessed for BPD. My sweet potato mock pizza has turned out as mush, but it tasted great. I don't know what I'm more27(5) I. is quite unhappy with how little I seem to want to participate in our life together. I enjoy my solo bike rides too much, I don't tell her how long I'll be gone, I don't bring in enough money,
(4) I hate the way I look. Is it because my brain defaults to this feeling so that it doesn't have to worry about other stuff, or is it just because I'm a huge fat big enormous blob? According to the
28(4) Had vogue early afternoon, looked at myself dancing and thought 'hey, you look pretty good, gurl!'. Then changed at home to go cycling, caught a glimpse in the mirror here and suddenly felt so huge
29No Reasons30No Reasons
July
MTWTFSS
  1(7) Arkadiy the Pegasus is back home! That's my bicycle, that's what I call him, and he needed some maintenance, and he is better than ever now. Will celebrate with a long ride tomorrow. Yay!2(8) I've had the loveliest day today hanging out with J. online. We chatted, we read a book, we laughed our entire heads off. I can't wait to be together irl. It's going to be amazing.3No Reasons4(5) I's mum visiting. Her kid is back with us. I wish I was somewhere else with someone else right now.5(7) Vogue and a hike today. Now home, tired and wanting to chill. Forgot my phone when I went out and not being connected to J has made me feel lost. Can't live without that man.
6(5) Had a big derealization moment last night after a flashback, self harmed a bit. Acceptance from loved ones is so important in these moments. Not being blamed for my mental state is key for me because7No Reasons8(6) First day back at work since the beginning of Corona. I was afraid I'd forgotten what I had to do, especially with the brain fog I'm experiencing, but it went ok. I'm very tired though.9No Reasons10(5) I'm having a hard time lately. The insights I've had are upsetting, and I can't get any therapy yet. I feel like I've finally put the puzzle of my personality (and thus my life) together. I now11No Reasons12No Reasons
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