January
MTWTFSS
    1(5) So much anxiety almost every night. I need my Propranolol. Gotta wait two more days. Paranoia, and gripping fear? What am I afraid of, really? Being alone, being unloved, or is it a blow to my ego2(7) Sister is back home and back to her grumpy critical old self. Drugs looked so good on her! Ah well. She has lost weight after the surgery, she is basically skeletal at this point, and she is nauseous3No Reasons
4(7) Talked to mom on the phone, opened up about some of my feelings. She called again a couple hours later to ask if I was having a bad phase, and to tell me I was special, beautiful and lovable. ? Awwww5No Reasons6(5) My sister's tumor turned out to be cancer after all. They've removed everything, so I think there is hope, but she feels doomed. Life as she knew it is indeed over. I am sort of in shock. I can't7(7) Lovely morning. Propranolol helping. Some self care. Face masks, watching stand up, going to try and journal more often. I don't like doing it digitally is the problem. And though E. has told me8(8) Looks like my depressive phase is over! All of a sudden I'm not worried, I enjoy people, and going places and doing things. I am able to look at my life and acknowledge that I am truly happy.9No Reasons10(8) Had a bit of an upset time today but back to feeling good again (thank you, E.) Painted backgrounds for my triptych, a side of Heartburn and a fragment for another painting. Happy.
(8) Feeling wonderful all day, basically
11(6) Morning was lovely, then heard a song and got upset. Feeling very vulnerable, but ok.12(6) Got a weighted blanket, it's VERY relaxing. Played some video games. Had a lovely chat with bestie. Wish I had a bit more energy, but it's hard to stay motivated at a stagnant lockdown time.13(5) Woke up flat and sad and worried and irritable and sad. Been like that all day. It's been an ok day though.14No Reasons15(6) Got my weird mole removed. Did some grocery shopping. Drove around with E. for his work. I'm still suffering from splitting. I don't know what to do about it. I'll find a solution, I always do. Right?16(8) Chance of getting a new flat for cheap. Watched Loving Vincent tonight. Experimenting with antidepressants without Doc's advice, irresponsible but I really know what to do... Hair and skin doing17(8) Had a meltdown two days ago, felt a bit weird last night as well, but woke up feeling good today. Very light, very me, if that makes sense. Face skin looking more alive. It's worth trying new
18(6) Lots of sadness with spikes of joy. Intrusive thoughts and paranoia won't let me be. Tired of being depressed, of wasting all my time on thinking of people that don't matter and situations that may19(5) Looking back at my life, I've never been able to believe I was loved in a relationship, not beyond the first couple of months, anyway. I think back to ex after ex, and I was either sure they didn't20No Reasons21(7) Can't say I believe in magic properties of stones and such, but I believe in placebo effect, and anyway who cares, I know today self-care felt possible, and I'm in an overall loving mood, self love
(3) Triggered, had a meltdown, but spoke very openly about my feelings and thoughts without offending anyone. That was well done I think. I can't make Goblin stop. The best I can do is remember: Goblin
22(5) Tidied, cooked, painted and played the guitar. Fighting obsessive thoughts as hard as I can. E. inspired and and up.to his ears in a business idea. Nice to see him so happy.23No Reasons24(5) I need to get back to an acceptable baseline. I've been struggling since end of October. Painting and books on psychology don't help this time. What should I try? Spirituality? I have to face things
(4) Some meditation and reading Tao The Ching helped me out of the deepest hole, but still a long way to go to acceptable quality of life. Will keep going tomorrow. Dreamt of my mother dying, my sister
25No Reasons26(4) Been doing ok for the most part, but intrusive thoughts have caught up with me just now. I'm so tired.27(5) I'm feelinguch better today. Intrusive thoughts come but don't hurt, not really. Danced, went for a walk, talked to bestie, did grocery shopping, threw out glass and returned plastic bottles. Meditate28(5) Been anxious and somewhat angry all day, meditation (heart this time) turned it around completely. I've gone through old jewelry and keepsakes and broke off some bits and made them into 7 chakra29(2) Very tough day. Conflict with E. showing itself fully. Some resolution. Solar plexus meditation: interesting discovery. It's about identity, and obvs BPD = identity disturbance. It was hard to find
(4) Thinking back I can see how thinking negative thoughts has been becoming more and more of a habit for me as years went by. It is very hard to think anything positive at this point. Gotta work on it.
30No Reasons31(5) Australian wine and Brat 2 soundtrack. Takes me back to 20 years ago when I went mad. 'They loved me back there, but it wasn't me'. It was thought but it's gone way downhill since then. Sigh. Ah well.
(5) Distraction+ meditation + pushing myself to think positive thoughts to balance out the dark ones+ gratitude exercises + imagining I'm John and I love the snow and the cold. Gotta keep going! I did get
February
MTWTFSS
1(5) Good day overall. I find I'm reluctant to go above five lately because there is always this ambient anxiety, like I've stepped into dog poop and now the smell is following me around. Depression stinks2(6) Some fear of obsessive thoughts, but a good day overall. I went for a walk, had a lovely chat with J and some laughs watching Happy!3(7) First session with a new therapist. She is young and likes a laugh. I don't know if I'll be comfortable telling her about the darker sides of me, but today was quite uplifting.4(6) A good day tinged with a bit of insecurity about my body thoughts triggered by a statement. I noticed the first half and fixated on it, ignoring the second half that was a compliment (and the goal of5(5) Had a sort of a weird moment when a voice in my head said: I've thought about this person six times in the last few months, and that's six times more than they deserve. I don't care and I'm not6(5) Numb. This is a phase I really don't like, it feels so boring and pointless. Would I rather be suffering? Not really. But I don't like this thing either.7No Reasons
8No Reasons9(6) I feel a bit empty, my head is quiet, thoughts don't get stuck in there which is fab. I've had a laughing fit for the first time in a long while.10(6) Angry at my psychiatrist. I hate to be told off like a child. I know I forgot my ECG for the second time in a row, but guess what I've been depressed as fuck and I told you about it and aren't you11(6) A good day. Chill12(6) I had two drops in mood when despair just jumps out at me. Otherwise a good, quiet day.13(5) A rollercoaster. Ecstatic one minute, contemplating suicide another. Exhausted. If I had to curse someone I wouldn't wish death or physical sickness on them. I'd curse them with BPD. Let all you have
(5) Intrusive thoughts again. Asked for reassurance, got some relief, but it won't last long. I can't handle being in love. I know it's what I wanted but I'm too insane. It's too much. But I am, nothing
14No Reasons
15(6) Did some sledging, took some selfies with E., had a nice dinner and some good wine, watched some old vids and Love Actually, it's been a good valentine's ? ? room for improvement though. I still16(6) What I need most of all these days is clarity, but isn't that what eludes people who are considered 'crazy' most? If only for a while, I wish I could see clearly.
(8) An all-round good day. Did nothing special, but feeling quite stable. Watching The Staircase and vids on body dysmorphia for self-help.
17No Reasons18(6) My heart is full of holes, wherever you touch it it hurts. I wanted to try everything, and I've paid the price. But still, it's a heart and it's function is to love. Not to know the future, or believe
(7) I said, Goblin, you spend all that energy attacking the person in whose head you live. Do you realize if I die you will die, too? I know you want to hurt people, even if I'm the only one available,
19No Reasons20(6) It was a lovely day, I was spoiled and loved and yet intrusive thoughts never stopped. Hopefully I'll have less of them someday soon. It's about time!21(9) Talking to bestie made me feel heard. Laughed my head off for most of the night. Perfectly happy. A rare jewel of a night.
22(7) A very good day that so easily gets ruined by me getting triggered. I'll lower it to a seven for that reason. Feeling happy about the arrival of spring, a little bit of motivation and new temporary23(5) Was irritable and angry all day, instigated a bit, but got a handle on it. Ended up having an episode anyway, but hid it from everyone. Felt totally crazy and out of control. But I'm ok now.24(6) I might try and start a YouTube channel about BPD. I've been writing scripts for it.25No Reasons26(7) A busy day packing, taking boxes into storage, a quick hang with E's fam. Mood labile but soothed by attention. Didn't have time to do my writing, I had gotten almost used to it as a little ritual.27(6) Another day spent cleaning and packing. Instead of rest felt like working on my vlog project. Doing something creative is better than Netflix, especially if you're someone like me who gets triggered28No Reasons
March
MTWTFSS
1(9) The move was exhausting, but I was in a wonderful mood all day. Had a dip in the evening, but that was short-lived. Spoke to my friend Sasha on the phone. It was funny and sad and awesome.2(8) First night and day in my new home where I'll be living for the next two months. The flat is really well organized, I love the adjustable brightness of the lights, the practical shower, all the3(5) I am very nervous about visiting my sister, it's the first time I'll see her since she got her diagnosis. She was adamant about not having me over because of Corona and now all of a sudden she really
(5) Leaving E. and worrying about sis made the journey stressful and tough. Couldn't help having intrusive thoughts all night. Happy to see the fam tho!
4(9) Had an excellent night's sleep, played MTG with nephew, played the piano, feeling fantastic. Once I've torn myself away from the current partner I feel fine, but the initial separation makes me feel5(7) A good day in spite of a persistent headache. I feel good unless I think of certain things. Perhaps what I need is to put myself in a situation where they don't matter anymore. Played piano.6(6) Enjoying life as best I can in spite of intrusive thoughts.7(7) It's nice to be back home. I'm giving it a 7 in spite of various complicated emotions throughout the day, because it was a great day overall.
8(6) It's been a weird day... Some things are happening that might turn out to be helpful for my emotional state, but they have some unpleasantness to them in the moment.9No Reasons10(6) Feeling better overall. Getting things done. Written 8270 words for my BPD project. A bit numb after the tough four months, but it's a welcome feeling at this point. Hopeful I can make changes in the11(8) Today I got upset talking about things that always make me feel horrible, I cried for a bit, ended the conversation and... Let it go. Let the emotions be and then let them pass. Let the conflict12No Reasons13(9) What a lovely night, laughing fits non stop.14(4) I am struggling. I'm not the only one struggling, but I am. I carry the pain that few can see. You can walk with me, or help me, but if you make it worse you gotta go.
15(3) Bleh. Feeling like a zombie. Got things done anyway thanks to E. Hopefully I'll be able to talk to my psychiatrist on wednesday and get some antidepressants. I'm so fed up with myself. The incessant16No Reasons17(7) I'm feeling much better. Helped E. to unpack and repack and send parcels. Got some writing done, went for a skate. Mood plummeted at night, fixed that with some IT Crowd, sort of. Still, doing way
(6) A much better day, thanks to a little dopamine, my bestie, a walk and general chilliness.
18No Reasons19(2) There is a problem. I don't know how to solve it. Something's gotta change, in me or my life, but something's gotta.20(8) A sunny day, new antidepressants (feeling hopeful) and new rollerblades with bigger wheels, newfound skating confidence and an acceptance that things are not great. When were they ever. Ah well. I'm
(5) Distancing myself and focusing on me.
21(7) Great rollerblading tour and a nice little party afterwards.
22(7) Productive day.23(3) Some things needed to be said. Some didn't. Ah well24(7) A nice walk and a nice talk, was feeling happy and bouncy. Not so much later on in the evening, but it was ok.25No Reasons26(7) Feeling better in general. Taking care of myself. I used be into mysticism when I was a tween, that is echoing now in my middle age. Using it to self-care, meditate and soothe myself.27(6) A walk through freezing wind. Worked on my project, helped E. a little bit. A calm day. Didn't cry! Can't remember I day I didn't cry in months. Wow. I'm a humid one XD28No Reasons
29(8) Antidepressants or crystals ( they just help for meditation, I've not gone woo woo) or good weather, something is helping. Done some rolling, had a pizza. Making rolling progress. A bit tired.
(8) Roller skating again, weather is great, mood is quite good.
30(8) A good day: sunny weather, skating, Chinese food, meditation
(7) Roller skated, feeling exhausted after two and a half hours. Nice to get out of my head though. Some intrusive thoughts, but E. is keeping his promise of not saying triggering things, and that helps.
31No Reasons
April
MTWTFSS
   1(7) I've had an interview with a therapist in the DBT program in my clinic, and she said I was a good candidate and would probably be accepted. I'll get a call next week with a yes or a no. The DBT2(10) Amazing feeling of union and selflessness and love and peace.3(7) Good to be home. Weekend at E's mom's was fantastic. She and I had a deep talk about mental health and love. His niece and I bonded big time. Also, I laughed my head off watching E and his brother4(3) Mood went down brutally for no apparent reason, just been waiting to happen. Let it happen, didn't look for reasons, didn't try to intellectualise my way out of it. Cried. Went to bed.
5No Reasons6(7) If you are not being yourself, you can never feel accepted. It takes bravery to be yourself, but everything besides that is pointless. Seems so obvious now, but it wasn't always. Love to all pandas.7(5) My mood drops, I say to myself: this is unpleasant, but it's ok to feel this way, even for no apparent reason. It will pass once it's done, but for now I'll sit in the sadness and worry. This is very8No Reasons9No Reasons10(3) I was supposed to get a call from the DBT program this week telling me whether they would take me on or not. No call came. I am feeling very down and anxious. I wanted a chance to change my life bad.
(8) A very good day with no dramatic dips in mood. Talked to sis for a long while, went to E's relatives'place for a barbecue, then did some rollerblading.
11(5) What is more important, feeling less depressed or having orgasms? How do you guys balance a sex life and taking antidepressants? Do anti anxiety meds do the same to your body? I think anxiety is my
(7) Finished the script for the final, ninth diagnostic criterion. Yay! A little dopamine feels good.
12(5) The DBT program won't take me because I told them honestly how much I drink and they think I have lied and downplayed it. My bad German doesn't help. I'll call a different clinic tomorrow and tell13(7) Woke up feeling shit, felt shit for half a day, but then all of a sudden mood swung up and I had a lovely night for no particular reason. A rare occurrence, I love it! When I think about what I'd like14(4) Bit upset today15(6) A good, quiet day. Felt peaceful.16(8) Got some writing done. In a good mood, interesting ideas.17(6) Writing going well, can't wait for when I move and can record videos. Gotta Order a light for that.18No Reasons
19(9) It's great to talk to a new fellow writer! I am feeling as good tonight as I rarely do. One of those nights when I want to dance around the room.???
(4) Realising how little I value myself and my contributions and trying to write a motivational piece on how everyone including me has worth made me feel so sad.
20(4) Feeling dysphoric, so spent the day in bed under a weighted blanket reading Master And Margarita and drinking lychee juice. Went for an evening skate with E. though, nice weather today. Now back in21(5) Feeling angry and vindictive, at night mood went very low and I was very paranoid, but didn't instigate and behaved in general.22(6) Still very irritable and angry, but enjoyed meditation and 2 and a half hours of rollerblading. I am making progress! I've been doing it for three months in total now.23(7) Over two hours of blading, happy with my progress. Mood all over the place but happy about the good weather and the rolling.24No Reasons25(6) As someone with unstable sense of identity I act as a mirror for loved ones. I can't not do it. They love to see their good sides, they hate some of the less good ones. I feel like I'm feeling things
(8) As I was meditating I asked myself, if I change so much depending on who I am with (not necessarily romantically), them who even am I? That is when my cat got into my lap. There it is: I am the only
26No Reasons27(6) Had a nice 2 hour skate. Mood iffy. I think I feel good when I am alone, or when I talk to my bestie, or when I hang out with people I have a casual relationship with. I don't think I'm made for love.28(9) Had asparagus at E's mom's house, received underpants in the mail, then rollerbladed (rollerblid? Iol), had some Burger king ice cream. Feeling calm and good and chill and happy ? ??? I guess a 1029(8) Mood a bit unbalanced, was happy but had a fit of rage... Which I am proud to say I spent in the bathroom washing my face and calmed myself down. I met with my ex wife today. She blamed me for all the30(8) Fun day
May
MTWTFSS
     1(8)
(8) Got the keys to the new flat, started cleaning. Gotta fix it up and then move. The apartment is in a bad condition, but it had a great layout and it's super cheap. We'll make it into a lovely home.
2(6) Tired, lots of work to do.
3(5) Mood has been on the lower side today. I am still having the same inner conflict,.and I have no idea how to fix it.4(6) Been calm mostly today. Still renovating the new apartment, it's gonna be awesome!
(3) Will this ever end? Maybe after a course in DBT if anyone takes me.
5No Reasons6(6) It's been a good day, I've been working on the new apartment and doing well overall, but I think my paranoia is actually worse than I thought it was. As in, my intrusive thoughts are even further from
(6) Feeling calm and somewhat removed today. Renovations going great, and I'm not even that tired. Bestie is right, I always feel better when I have a project. Personal life great on the outside, but
7(7) Yay, done painting the apartment! Mood was stablish throughout the day, especially when there are people around. Enjoying the feeling of achievement. I've never done renovations before.8(6) I do idealise people. That's not good. It doesn't give me a chance to get to know them and appreciate them for the good qualities they actually have. Instead, I get angry that they are not who I9No Reasons
10(9) It is our first night at the new place, I am so proud of all the work we did, E. is so handy! He knows how to do so many things, antld the things he doesn't know how to he Googles and does anyway.
(7) Tired. Still lots of work left to do.
11(8) I have decided to try and seriously cut the amount of alcohol I consume. It felt good and I spent a great night enjoying being sober.12(9) I got a call from the BPD program saying they are willing to take me on the 2nd of June. They had previously denied me because I drink alcohol (and they thought I drank more than I told them, but wtf13(7) Had a restful day and a lovely chat.14(7) Therapist impressed by my progress. I cried in her office a bit, it was the first time. Just a couple tears. I'm not good at crying before strangers.15(6) E. has been amazing today, he has dismantled a part of the kitchens changed the sink (drilling a hole in it for the tap), changed the tap, installed the dishwasher, installed a mirror shelf in the16(6) Today has been good for staying indoors. Rolling was not a good idea, it was dark and wet and annoying.
17(4) Sad and teary and empty today. Family in upheaval because of my sister, her illness and possible divorce. It's hard to believe in lasting relationships when the ones you know have all fallen apart.18(9) Mind quiet and at peace today. Bestie said some things that propelled me into happiness. It's so important to feel needed. And so hard to tell someone you need them, my throat closes up when I try to.19No Reasons20(6) Therapist has taught me a CBT trick, when I think something bad try and follow that up with something good or at least neutral on the matter. It has been helpful. I notice the same intrusive thoughts still come, but they provoke less emotion and don't stick around that long. It's a tough fight. Choosing to trust someone when you have huge trust issues is also tough, but I'll try for once.21No Reasons22(5) A cousin died yesterday. He was only 41 or 42. He was an exceptional human being. Creative, emotionally deep, a philosopher, and yet so positive. He could see right through people, with all their faults, and yet sincerely loved them. He was a child at heart and a father of 4. He always seemed different somehow. Special. A hang with him always made me feel like my karma's been made a bit better.23No Reasons
24(5) Worried about my permit to stay in Germany. I'm not sure I have all the papers. Hospital time is getting closer, too. Also, work starts again with new rules and half-forgotten routines. Anxious.25(5) I pray for transformation with an urgency that comes from the awareness of death. Don't let me live my whole life like this. So often tortured, blind to goodness, incapable of accepting love, obsessed by thoughts that should mean nothing, oblivious to what really matters, self-absorbed. But what kind of person do I want to be? One living in the present. Appreciative of the little things.26(3) It's been a very stressful day. Hospitalisation day after tomorrow for two months. Paranoid about legal stuff. Scared of failing at DBT, scared of succeeding and becoming a new me. Last night at home (I'm working tomorrow night). Worried about everything. Anxious and uneasy, don't know what to do wit myself. Exhausted and sad.27No Reasons28(3) A very tough last night at work before going to the hospital in the morning. I have been admitted to a DBT program which is the number one treatment for BPD, or emotional intensity. I am very scared. I really don't want to leave my newly found home and my lovely boyfriend. I don't think I can handle two months without visits. All I want to do is go home, crawl into bed and sleep for 24 hours.
(4) Day 1 on the addiction ward (I'm here for 5 days before I'm transferred to DBT). The local psychoanalyst is amazing, but he's gone for the weekend. I'm exhausted and looking forward to a long sleep.
29(5) Day 2. There are only mildly addicted people here, so it's all very quiet. The nurses are fantastic. It's boring on the weekend though. No therapy, no sport, and I'm not allowed outside yet. There is one other girl (she's 28) with borderline who is also waiting to go into DBT, but there is no bed for her yet. My roommate is starting to stink. Will try and make her take a shower today.30(5) Day 3. Still weekend, still bored. Still the same thoughts turning around in my head. Looking forward to therapy and anything else tomorrow
31(8) Day 4 started with disappointment about less therapy than anticipated, but got amlot better once I was allowed outside. A walk in the park and a chat with bestie put me into a great mood, then I painted for a bit at occupational therapy, and now I'm gonna get a half-legal visit from E.
June
MTWTFSS
 1(6) Day 5. If you are ever in a psychiatric hospital, do art therapy whatever it takes. It's amazing. Though it's just painting whatever I want in my case... Is that how it's always done, aren't there tasks and themes? Weird.2(7) Day 1 of the DBT program! I'm finally in the room where I'll spend the next 8 weeks and from whence I will hopefully emerge a happier, healthier me. No therapy so far, getting settled in. Feeling like a quiet early night.3(6) Day 2. A holiday, so nothing's going on. Done some sunbathing, had a visit from E's mom, then from E. himself. It was a nice day. I'm feeling better just being a bit removed from my life. My relationships, desicions and worries.4(7) Day 3, had some art therapy, hung out with the people for the first time, played table tennis, went on a group walk, chatted with the other Russian on the ward. Got a visit from E. He saw the clouds gatheri over my head, but I just felt a bit slow.5(6) Woke up crying and with a migraine. Nurse not giving me meds because they are not prescribed by a local doc (I forgot to tell him). Painted with roommate, went on a short walk, now sitting in the kitchen watching people cook... And it feels so nice and cozy and familial that I'm giving the day a 6.6(5) Day 5, a Sunday, was boring, rainy, headachy and lonely. Normally we would go home on weekends, but covid. I hope we might start doing that again soon.
7(8) Day 6 finally some real DBT skills! And one on one therapy with the coldest therapist ever, and still I managed to have a little breakthrough. It was a wonderful day, I have enjoyed every minute. Well, almost. I'm only human.8(6) Day 7: art therapy, skills, then body something therapy, I don't know what it's called, but we walked through the woods, smelled plants, listened to birds and looked for photo-worthy things. I've had some tough homework, I'm feeling tired and somewhat sad, but it's been a productive day and that's great.9(7) Day 8:extra art therapy, skills group, group work, homework, a chat with bestie, a walk in the park and dinner with E., finally plucked up the courage (and got good enough weather) for rollerblading. Immediately found a girl who wants to do it together, she just needs to ask her dad to bring her skates. My new neighbour is fantastic, she has immediately made friends with everybody and spent all10(5) Day 8 I am exhausted. I also hate my new neighbour, because she never shuts up (always on the phone) and likes bright light, which is hate. Although my irritation might have something to do with the fact that I am tired and in an overall bad mood.11(5) Day 9 everyone was tired. I talked to my mom and sister on the phone though I really didn't feel like it. My brain is exhausted by the very intensive German learning it's doing at the moment. Made a point of not doing any homework tonight. The skating was very nice.12No Reasons13(9) Day 11 was fantastic. Got a present from bestie, a visit from E., went for a long walk with a hospital friend, went for a skate with another one, watched football with others, felt really very happy.
14(5) Day 12 was ok for a half of it, but then I got really sad and I can't shake it. Although walking barefoot and playing table tennis with my roommate helped and was great fun.
(5) Sad. Applied some skills and the day was better than it could have been.
15(6) Been sad for a lot of the day, got myself a new stuffed toy, sunbathed, had four kinds of therapy in one day (art, group, body perception moment therapy and individual), had a lovely talk with J, watched football with other patients, enjoyed hanging out with them. End of the day gave me a great high, thus it gets a six.16(6) Therapy has been very tough today, but that's always a good opportunity to practice skills. I am so happy there is football! Something to look forward to every night, a way to connect with some of the people around me, and it just makes me feel celebratory these days. Yay!17(5) Doing self-esteem in group therapy turned out to be very hard.18(3) Depressed, hopeless, tired, and got into an argument with E. We made up pretty quick, but I'm still very low.19(4) Low and tense. Annoyed at everyone around me saying: use skills, do this, do that, get yourself up! Can't I just be miserable for a day? Therapy is hard, and skills are hard, and being what they call a Bordie fucking sucks.20(6) A calmer day here in the psychiatric hospital, at least the second half of it, at least for me. Nice to get some rest before a new week.
21(5) Mood on the lower end, not much energy, but I think I might be starting to notice DBT working! It takes less time to calm down, the negative thoughts and feelings are less deep so to speak.22(6) Individual therapy was amazing today. It was hard, I was very nervous and I cried, but it helped to talk about things that are hardest to share and to get some perspective.23(6) Therapy was good, sunbathing was good, skating was amazing today. I got a little spike of euphoria as I was skating and listening to music. Looks like this dysphoric phase is at an end.24(5) Nope, still feeling sad. Afraid therapy won't really help, and I'll have to live out the rest of my life like this. It's not what people who've done it say though. Worried I'll look weird with my skills. Ugh.25(8) I am pumped! I've had a really tough moment today, but I used skills and they brought me right down and I've felt ok for the rest of the day This was the most effective use of skills so far. They won't always worked, but if they do often enough, maybe I can learn to be less afraid of my feelings. That would be amazing!26(5)
(5) I was told to come home immediately after the vaccination. No-one comes back right away! No-one! It's the reason I singed up to begin with! I've tried skills all evening, nothing seems to help. I was ok while Inline skating. Otherwise my evening was bad.
27(5) Miserable forhalf the day, feeling picked on by a nurse, homesick, fed up with hospital life. Broke some rules, spent an hour at home, feeling better for the defiance and also having home not so out of reach. I need to be away from strangers sometimes! Seriously.
28(5) I just wait for days to be over. Individual therapy is what keeps me holding on. It's painful sometimes, sure, but it has a purpose. It's being in a hospital that is hard. Waking up early, sleeping in a narrow bed, sharing a room with a stranger, the bad food (although it's helpful for weight loss), the control over my life, the being treated as a child, the inability to be alone above all!29No Reasons30(5) Four weeks exactly I've been here in the psychiatric hospital. Half of my stay has gone by. Am I feeling better? I haven't really had a crisis here. Skills help me to calm down faster, so I don't go so deep into the dark thoughts. But the last week has been hard. Here's to a better one. I got done yummy salad from E's mom, and hanging out with E was nice though short-lived.
July
MTWTFSS
   1(7) Done some great forgiveness work today, I'm quite pleased with myself. Had a nice time with E as well.2No Reasons3(7) I've felt quite calm and stable today, seen a beautiful sunset, experienced contentment not tinted by fear. Awesome! My phrase to remember in any situation from now on: take your time. I have it on a pendant now!4(6) A rollercoaster of a day. Started off chill, then I got myself into a crisis by working on radical acceptance, and then some alone time has made me happy. It's the first day since May 28 that I have gotten enough sleep and I have had alone time (because my neighbour is out with her boyfriend). Ahhhhh blissful solitude.
5(5) Another mixed bag of a day. Some of the homework is so tough emotionally. Also, I haven't been visited these last 3 days. I'm feeling quite anhedonic and dysphoric, let's face it, I'm moping around. It's raining and I won't go skating today.6No Reasons7No Reasons8No Reasons9(7) I have been feeling a lot better and forgetting to update. I have three weeks left here in the hospital (a bit less actually). I can't say if DBT is working, but I certainly have understood a lot about myself10(8) Yesterday I found a quiet spot in the park where no-one could see me, meditated and asked for universe's help in letting some things go. I thought some spirituality along with therapy won't hurt, I mean, if it helped Marsha Linehan the creator of DBT why can't it help me? I've been feeling wonderful today. I think I've gotten in touch with a very important but very wounded part of me.11(5) I'm really fed up with the rain. Is this summer or what? I wanna inline skate and sunbathe and go for a swim when I'm out of the hospital! It's been a meh day, though with a couple nice calm hours in there.
12(6) Feeling vulnerable already, and then E got taken away by the police and questioned for 5 hours. He is a witness in a case against his employer. I've been a nervous wreck all day, all the bad thoughts surfaced again, but 1 hour and 40 minutes of inline skating have made it all better.13(8) Weather has been miserable, I got a migraine in the morning, there was a ton of work to do and no visit from E, and yet I have been stably calm. I really like being stably calm. I was even content! Fantastic.14No Reasons15(7) I think I'm finally ready to answer the question everyone has been asking me. Yes, DBT is helping. My mood is up and down but I feel more stable and calm in general.16(7) I have 12 days left of the DBT program here at the psychiatric hospital. I still get sad and triggered, I get annoyed and worried, but you know what? I'm ok. I haven't felt that in a very long time, if ever. I'll be alright.17No Reasons18No Reasons
19(7) 9 days left. The weekend was ok, did a bit of occupational therapy in my room, went rollerblading twice, went for a 4 hour walk in the woods where I'm not allowed to go, did some homework that was heartbreaking. I'm ok.20No Reasons21(4) 7 days left on the hospital stay, the DBT program is amazing, but I'm not in the mood today. I get upset about something random and then all the usual thoughts come pouring in. Gotta keep working on that. Part one: accept that's how my brain works at the moment. It is what it is.22(8) As my hospital stay is coming to.an end, I am trying to understand the journey I am coming back from. I was in a very dark place when I started it, and now I am in a much better one. I seem to be, anyway, and I hope I keep feeling this way. I've pulled an angel card today and got Gratitude. So, here goes: I am grateful for this journey - and I really can't find a better word for it.23(8) Today is the birthday of two of our boys, one is 25, the other is 50, and we are having a party. Pizza and non-alcoholic drinks for everyone, a huge table set on the terrace, music and everyone together. It feels like one of those mid-season scenes in a series when everyone is dancing and laughing and the zombies, or whatever, are forgotten for a bit, and people are all in the moment.24No Reasons25No Reasons
26No Reasons27(8) I'm finally home. I wanted to write an emotional post on here about the hospital but I forgot what I wanted to say. I definitely reccomend inpatient DBT to anyone with Borderline, and just.in general, if your doctor is reccomending you do it but you are afraid, give it a try. Recovery is a gradual process,.and I am only at the beginning even though I have been working for 2 months.28No Reasons29No Reasons30(2) Tired of my brain, tired of fighting myself. I wish I could just live instead of doing that constantly31(3) What my mates at the hospital called a Deprephase is here. I don't want anything. Only consolation is I lost some weight and I look like a total babe.
August
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2(5) Feeling a bit better. Gone back to work, it was ok.
(7) I feel ok. No high tension for once. I feel chill. It's wonderful.
3No Reasons4(8) I used to think ads like 'printing is our passion' were stupid, but having worked on E's business venture, I see now that sometimes passion IS the right word, and many of the things surrounding us have probably been made with a lot of it. What a lovely thought, it makes everything seem almost magical.
(6) Fourth night at work tonight and then I'll have two days off. Feeling fine. Negative thoughts do come several times a day, but I'm handling them pretty well. It's harder to lose weight working nights because I eat very late. Gotta try harder.
5No Reasons6(10) I feel so loved.7(7) I think... The main take away from the hospital was hope. Hope that I can have a life worth living. 'A life worth living' is the exact expression Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT used as her goal. That hope may well be life-changing.8No Reasons
9(5) Very tired, lack of sleep getting to me. I need rest and alone time.
(6) Feeling better after a good sleep, plus it's been over 24 hours after my second vaccine, and the migraine is gone thanks to the pill. I've been trying passion flower pills for my anxiety and they actually work! Will see how it goes as time progresses.
10(4) Very tired and feeling low. Time for a lot of rest and even more self-care. A suicidal thought has popped into my head today and I was a bit disappointed, but then I realized how I didn't take it seriously and how quickly it was gone and I guess that doesn't make my hospital stay useless. I just got a little scared and catastrophised.11No Reasons12(8) I've had a good skate and hang with new people yesterday, lost more weight (it is A LOT easier when you don't drink alcohol. I am getting close to my goal that I've set for myself to make progress in skating easier). The weather is giving me migraines every other day and people around me are being let's say less than perfect, but I'm ok. I'm taking care of myself.13No Reasons14(2) I'm sad. A feeling of foreboding is like a piece of gum in my hair. Control is wavering, dangerous thoughts are popping into my mind, but I'm stronger. At least today.
(4) I am such a self-centred prick... The word of the day is repentance. Suffering can make me blind to the pain of others. I am so ashamed of myself.
15No Reasons
16(6) Been feeling mostly good today. I wish it could last. Lately it seems like it never has.17(9) It's been a most wonderful day hanging out with Jessica who came to visit from Frankfurt and with E. We went for a skate (she is obsessed with it), then played some hockey and had some burgers. I felt good and even the sad spikes felt kind of soft and bittersweet.18No Reasons19(7) Had some rest and a skate. Feeling more sure on my feet (wheels?) now, so able to enjoy it more. Feeling calm and stable in general. I have been since I started taking passion flower, but that coincided with a big crisis E. and I had. That will probably sound twisted, but seeing I hurt him made me realise he actually did care about the situation, and that's all I needed, really.20No Reasons21(9) I've been animal sitting today, so I've walked a dog all by myself, which I don't think I've ever done before? I've had a skate as well, and now I'm sitting by a bonfire. Feeling very stable and calm still. I wish I could feel like this most time, even without the good mood. Just stable.22(6) I'm worried I can't stop myself from saying certain things. Most of the time I can, but sometimes there is no pause between the thought and it coming out of my mouth. It's so hard to monitor myself all the time. It's annoying I have to do that, but many of us with mental illness do. My best friend has to question his thoughts all the time, he
(6) I'm worried I can't stop myself from saying certain things. Most of the time I can, but sometimes there is no pause between the thought and it coming out of my mouth. It's so hard to monitor myself all the time. It's annoying I have to do that, but many of us with mental illness do. My best friend has to question his thoughts all the time, he says. He may have used a different word for it.
23No Reasons24No Reasons25(6) It is bizzare how often I (and everyone else probably) do things that I don't want and don't need to do just because somewhere at the back of my mind I sort of think I should be doing them? It's silly, really.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(5) I have been feeling pretty iffy all day, probably because I have a cold, and then I got triggered (as one does when one is already vulnerable due to other things) and upset. I found a DBT exercise online, did some high stress skills, then did the exercise and I'm pretty proud of myself. As always bad mood + self-awareness have led to some new understanding of myself. I'm not happy rn, but I'm ok.29No Reasons
30(3) Crappy mood, paranoia. Let's see if I can behave myself and not get into a conflict with anyone. Super annoyed by my employer.31(5) Well , I did it! I managed to stay out of conflicts and unpleasant conversations even though I was super paranoid and upset. Well done me!!!
September
MTWTFSS
  1No Reasons2(3) I'm having a tough day. I think I am taking everything the wrong way... Just can't seem to focus on anything neutral or positive.3(8) I feel great today. I've even had a little laughing fit. You know, the kind of laughter you absolutely can't control and you are totally in the present, you don't remember anything that's every happened to you, you're not even yourself, you are just pure laughter? It's awesome.4(7) I've felt happy today. In a pure, young way that still has hope. It only lasted a half an hour, but maybe it's the first step? I thought I had lost the ability to feel that way altogether.5(10) The party today was basically a perfect one. Everyone was bonkers, happy, funny and friendly. I enjoyed every second and didn't feel like I needed to recharge afterwards. Something has changed in the way I feel around people since my stay at the psychiatric hospital.
6(4) Feeling horrible both physically and mentally from two sleepless nights. I didn't have any antipsychotics that let me sleep left. Going to get some now. The plan for today is to take extra good care of myself and not let paranoia win.7(4) Super cranky and irritable, hating everyone, paranoia and habitual painful thoughts. Doing my best to care for myself and behave like a good person. Heard something somewhere about compassion therapy that helps people with BPD in their relationships. Sounds interesting.8No Reasons9(6) The first half of the day was lonely, angry and angsty, but there were so many people at the bar at work and they have ALL been so sweet and left tips and my new colleague is nice and I am feeling hopeful and, well, okay.10No Reasons11(7) It's being a mostly good day. Well, it's night time already but I am working, so I only woke up at 4 PM. Trying to find the balance between sharing my thoughts and feelings and not burdening others.
(8) A perfect day pretty much. Feeling stable, balanced, positive and energised all the way through. No tension or negative thoughts whatsoever.
12(4) Today started with my insta being hacked and me now being permanently shut out of it (apparently). I've slowly gotten to a meltdown of not knowing who I even am. But! I haven't been belligerent or annoyed with E. or anyone else. Bad thoughts came as they do when I'm vulnerable, but I have not succumbed to them and made myself feel better and enjoyed the fair rides. I have come so far!
13No Reasons14(4) Mood still poor but I've handled myself well. Had a nap, had a nice inline skate during the day, still had to use skills, also took a painkiller I didn't need... Ah well
(7) Went to E's neice's start of school party. They are such a caring family. We didn't stay long because E was very sleepy (morning shift) and I also needed rest before work. The weather was fantastic, two people said I looked fab, and I've maintained control over instrusive thoughts that came at night when I was alone with nothing to do. I think I am getting better and better. Looking forward to
15No Reasons16(6) Mood's been good today, except I'm at the hairdresser's now and they have Russian music on that I find a bit upsetting from time to time. Russian pop songs are so sad!17No Reasons18No Reasons19(5) My mood has been pretty low today, and I've been easy to trigger, I think it's the lack of sleep. I've done well skating though, a tour of 22 km and some skating in skate parks as well. It's been suboptimal because I was expecting a lot of movement and instead we've been staying in one place except for the skate between two skate parks and the tour I did by myself. I also don't enjoy having tons
20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24(9) Greetings from Palma de Mallorca, pandas! I'm skating along the seashore and feeling great. E. took some pics of me as I was changing into my skating gear and I'm actually sexy! I think. I'm glad I am learning to look at my body with kinder eyes. Sending some of the self love your way :)
(2) Ugh now I'm upset with everything and feeling very fragile.
25No Reasons26(9) Awesome day even though we didn't go to the movies like we wanted. I have urban skated feeling kind of confident today, that makes me happy ans proud.
27No Reasons28(4) My future ex wife thinks the world revolves around her and would throw me under a train if it meant lifting her spirits for five minutes. She is a true piece of second rate stale dull shit. She is unable to tolerate any kind of emotional or physical discomfort and is the biggest coward I've met and blames everything in her life on others. Good riddance indeed. Hope I don't get deported...
(2) Sad and hopeless. Gotta eat something, it might help. Wish I had some drugs. Don't wanna be myself right now.
29No Reasons30(7) Last day here on Mallorca, we're leaving tomorrow morning. Problems waiting at home but also my cat and my plants, and the general coziness. I've had a bit of a meltdown last night but it went pretty ok. I'm feeling better today. I've been thinking a lot about my feelings of guilt from the faraway past. I don't know if I'll ever get over them. I can't go to a priest and ask for forgiveness.
October
MTWTFSS
    1No Reasons2No Reasons3No Reasons
4(5) It's been a mixed bag of a few days. I am struggling with paranoia and anxiety. I have learned today that the mother of my most significant Russian bf has had a stroke. My mom thinks I should give him a friendly call because he is in isolation rn. It's like those fantasies I used to have when we were young that someday something like this will happen and I'll be helping him, except I'm not.5(5) Had a very nice time with E's family tonight. Mood dropped later. I am in a depriphase methinks. Just wanna sleep and do nothing, but of course I'll be getting ready for my German exam, taking care of some paperwork and possibly going skating.6No Reasons7(1) TW TW TW TW I want to not exist anymore. I know it'll pass, but it's horrible.8No Reasons9(2) I feel sad, lonely, confused, fragile and hopeless. I feel like crying all day. I want to be numb. I don't want to feel anything at all. I wish I had some drugs. Alcohol only makes me more sad now, so I'm not drinking. Except when I talk to my family, I don't know why it's so hard to tolerate them sober even if they are being nice. I'm going to start taking seroquel again, I just can't stand this.10No Reasons
11(4) Had a very anxious night at work with hardly anything to do but feeling better this morning. I have come to the realisation that being in a relationship I'm invested in is terrifying and stressful but I feel unable to survive alone. This is all very unhealthy, but I have no idea what to do about it, so for now I'll do nothing. And try to be fair and kind.12(5) Everything that could go wrong at work today did, both for my predecessors (the late shift) and for me, and now there are no trains due to yet another suicide on the tracks. These happen way too often. It's like there was a dark cloud over the area and some of us didn't survive it. I have taken long release Seroquel though and was much calmer than I lately tend to be. I don't mind feeling13(6) I've been feeling way better taking the Seroquel for the last two days, but it's giving me headaches. Can't wait to get to the pharmacy and buy something for it. But I feel fine for the first time in a very long time. I've had ups and downs but I've generally been confused, panicky and close to tears almost all the time! Grateful for some respite, but this medication makes me hungry :(14No Reasons15(5) I have a feeling my eyes are opening and things are changing. It's not a pleasant feeling. I feel like I'm losing something that I used to love. Am I going crazy or am I getting clarity? The ever present question... Making decisions when you can't trust your mind is a nightmare. But I'm not in despair anymore, just a bit sad.
(5) Feeling slightly ill. E. has a fever. Not in the mood for a party at all. I've been having nightmares every time I fall asleep. Today I've been trying to focus on self love and the relationship with myself as the most important one. It's really hard. I have no idea how to do this. I've always focused on others. I don't really believe I can change that. Can I?
16No Reasons17(1) I hate everything and everyone. I am so angry. Nothing new has happened, except E. has covid. I hate him too. This is just mental (un) health. I could break someone's face right now. But if course I'm going to be a civilized person. I'm gonna continue tidying up and pretending like everything is kind of fine. it's not. Nothing is ok and it hasn't been for a while.
18No Reasons19(1) Will this ever end? I should be in therapy, I should be getting my shit together so I can build a better, healthier life, but I can't get myself to complete any of the necessary tasks. I am caught in a thought loop and getting depressed. I've painted my terracotta symbols I made for meditation and witchy stuff. I've bought groceries and cooked but that's about my max right now.
(4) Woke up feeling good, went to utter misery in a matter of moments. E's really trying to help, saying all sort of nice and loving things. I'm depressed. It seems like I lost my Joie de vivre somewhere along the way. I remember mean girls saying im always smiling, I must be an Idiot. I remember someone asking me 'how are you so happy all the time, what's your secret?' , I remember someone calling me
20No Reasons21No Reasons22(4) Heey it turns out I do have covid. I feel fine though, as if it was just a cold. It might get worse or might just be another week sitting at home with nothing to do. I have a ton of stuff that needs doing but absolutely no motivation. I need to find the strength and take care of myself, but it's so hard when you're mentally ill. I need Radical Acceptance big time.23(6) Been smoking green and feeling fine thanks to it, but spending a whole day baked is not a way to live life. On the other hand, it's the weekend. I'm okayish today. Seroquel didn't help much but made me hungry. I guess I'll give it a pass again. I should just accept there are no pills that help. There are drugs that do but we can't possibly allow people to feel better on micro doses of codeine, no24No Reasons
25(5) Had some revelations lately, but I think I've lost faith in those too... They come and go and life basically stays the same.26No Reasons27No Reasons28(6) Well, this quarantine has been weird, I have mostly felt good and been smoking. Unfortunately I don't have much of it left, but I feel so much better with it. Feels like I've thought through some important stuff but everything will probably go back to pain once I don't have any green anymore.29No Reasons30(5) Well. I don't know how to rate today because on one hand I woke up with a song that upsets me in my head and it's made me cry and I've been hearing it all day. On the other hand I've achieved a state of peacefulness (without any substances) through acceptance of the fact that my brain is broken and it keeps telling me things that are not true. For some of those things I can't really see them as31No Reasons
November
MTWTFSS
1No Reasons2(5) Evolution has made us so we don't go extinct. It did not create us to be happy. So when we are it's a pure bonus and a win.3No Reasons4No Reasons5No Reasons6No Reasons7No Reasons
8No Reasons9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons
15(10) Georgia was exhausting and amazing and so real and so mine and I have gotten out of my bad phase and I feel alive and happy and safe and inspired and proud of myself. It would take a short book to describe that project, so I'll just note here that I rate it and my mood as a definite 10.16No Reasons17No Reasons18(8) Feels a bit boring and aimless here at home, gotta try and create some kind of routine for my days off. I guess I just need some time to adjust.19No Reasons20No Reasons21(5) Feeling good in general but very ugly and also annoyed I have to babysit at work.
22No Reasons23No Reasons24(8) I'm doing great lately. Got a handle on the thoughts that have been tormenting me, and when I don't I take some green medicine. Very small doses so I can still do everything that needs to be done, but my head is quieter. It's like taking a vacation from myself, I love it. Thank you mother nature.25(7) Day off, yay! Woke up with no motivation but feeling quite content. Gonna try and do some shopping and cooking, light a candle, maybe take a bath later. Yes, that sounds good.26No Reasons27(7) Not smoking today and feeling a lot of emotion, which is my baseline but I'm kind of enjoying it. Had a chat with my bestie that has helped greatly with the pain that comes with ageing as a woman. He is incredible, isn't he? I actually feel like I have worked through some stuff right then and there, and it was just texting. I'm so lucky ??????28(5) I haven't gotten enough sleep and felt a bit low this night but that's to be expected. Lete remind myself how far I've come: I've kicked my alcohol addiction, I can see more clearly now when I am being paranoid, I have learned to take care of myself, I am learning to focus on the positive, I am learning to fulfill my own needs, and I am very lucky with the people in my life and they see something
29No Reasons30No Reasons