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January
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Haven't been on in a while. Gained back the lost weight over the holidays, so that sucks. I still run and have no injuries right now, that's good. I've spent an hour talking to my cousin and my ex on2No Reasons3No Reasons4(5) Going to sister's. Missed a connecting train due to being an idiot. Cold, miserable, feeling small.5(5) Feeling sad. Could be hormones making life that much harder, could be that I've moved so far away from my family of origin's… style of interaction?.. that I feel completely out of place with them.6No Reasons
7(7) Mom's a complicated human being, but she sure knows how to have a great day out. We went to the Strasbourg Museum of Fine Arts, where we saw Rafael, Titian, Donatello, Rembrandt, Rubens, Botticelli,8No Reasons9(7) Went to the skating rink with sister yesterday, was pleasantly surprised by my ability to almost skate like a normal person. I think running has helped. Today we're shopping in France. Tired.
(10) And this is for the museum of modern art. It was amazing. Saw Picasso, van Gogh, Magritte, Monet, Rodin... And Joana Vasconcelos, I'm in love! She is my favorite living artist now.		10No Reasons11(6) Last day at my sister's. Went to Strasbourg to take off the plastic anti-theft thing the salesperson left on my new skirt by accident. Everyone is super nice today. Sis took me out for a skate even12No Reasons13No Reasons
14(8) Backdated: very happy to be back home :)
(8) My first therapy session ever. I don't know yet if the doc will take me on, but I like her. She has a positive and quiet presence. Also, I really need to talk about stuff. Fingers crossed.		15(6) I really don't have the time to post and comment these days :( I hope I will once I get back from yet another trip. This time the three of us are going for a little snowboarding/skiing vacation.16No Reasons17(6) Back in Schwarzwald, this time with Inga and Alex. They are going to snowboard tomorrow, and I'll give the skis another go. I'll probably fail. Feeling pretty good these days, except today I got upset
(5) My therapist has asked me to write a little journal about my relationship with David. That's my ex husband. I'd decided not to think about it while on vacation, but it's so hard, especially at night.		18No Reasons19(7) Spent the evening listening to music and cuddling with Inga. I was sad at first, but then my mind sort of got quieter, and there was just music, and everything was better. It ended up being a lovely20No Reasons
21(8) Spent most of the day cleaning the flat after it's been the responsibility of a teenager for 5 days. Could have been MUCH worse! The highlight though was talking on the phone to a panda. It was just22(5) I had so many plans today, but instead got sick and spent the day in bed. Did go grocery shopping in the evening though. Not eating and puking for the whole day has made me remember something:23(6) Ran, cleaned up, cooked (sort of), took care of sick teenager, did a painting, been, like, efficient lately! I like this kind of me, much better for self-esteem than the depressive one. The depressive24No Reasons25(6) Pretty nice quiet day. I posted a letter today.26(6) Waiting for the snow to melt so I can go for a run. They have dry paths here almost all the time, so I never screwed my shoes *waves to Jeff* Talked to my bestie last night, she is in a very very27No Reasons
28(6) Had a fun time last night, but a lot to think about now. Will have me a lazy day today.
(7) Feeling cozy and happy to have some alone time. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow (got a cold) and the weather permits me to go for a run. And now it's time for bed and a book. And a pleasant dream,		29(5) Woke up depressed. Hoping for a change. Got very good advice on that! I am so lucky with people I meet. I always have been. I do appreciate them. Going to try and paint on a big canvas tomorrow or30No Reasons31(6) Still ill. Can barely speak :( Throat very sore. Not running, not doing anything, really. Today I'll limit myself to the bare minimum of housework I think. Mood it OK though.
February
MTWTFSS
    1(6) I've been silent today because of laryngitis, and wow, that is an interesting experience! People have never been so nice to me, so sweet and full of words of love and appreciation, as when I shut up!2No Reasons3(6) I will try and think positive today. I'm still ill, but getting better. Soon I will be able to go back to a somewhat active lifestyle. It'll make me feel good. I've sent my paintings' photos to a guy
4(7) I got some news today, I actually stand a chance of getting into an exhibition this summer. It feels amazing even though I am not sure yet. It feels good to be thinking about the future. Most of my5(6) Spent the day doing nothing interesting. Only got tomorrow to finish my journal for the therapist. Watching 'The Assasination of Gianni Versace'. Genius. Words fail me. One of the best shows I've seen6(8) I've finished the thing I needed to write for the therapist. As I was nearing the end my face got really hot, my head started pulsating and felt like it would explode, and I just couldn't keep still.7No Reasons8(5) This is for yesterday. The therapist I saw realized I needed a different kind of therapy, so she gave me the number of someone who could be good for me. It felt... well, sad in a way, because I'd9(7) Had a nice day out, did some walking and some shopping in the city. I used to hate it because of all of the people, but I feel different about that now. I feel better about social gatherings and10(8) Just had a great run, beat some personal bests, really enjoyed the windy springy 10 degrees outside. When I got home it started raining. Lucky me! Glad to have done 7.2 km, the next few days are going
11No Reasons12(8) I have just pressed the 'send' button on the festival application. It feels like something a real actual person would do. It might have been the first good thing I haven't sabotaged in my whole life.
(10) I got the best present ever yesterday! A painting by a Panda. It's beautiful and disturbing, which is the best combination ever. It is so much better than everything I've done or posessed. I love it		13(5) We didn't to well at the quiz, but it was fun hanging out with people. Until we got home, all was well. Alex can be such a douche. I realized something though. When someone hurts me I tend to then14(5) This was a sad kind of day but it's coming to an end now. I might cry later, but that's OK. I've been feeling so heavy and tired up until I picked up a brush. Had to get a chair because I couldn't15(9) Great day today. Sunny, good run, and it's my painting anniversary. I've made a post with my first ever painting and the one I did today. I don't mean to say the new one is great or anything, just the16(8) Wow, it is a great day today. I've been feeling upset about something that's been on my mind for many years, and feeling sad that I'd surely never have what I want (it's a romantic thing, it's stupid
(7) Random question: do you prefer being the bog spoon or the little spoon? Or maybe you can't go to sleep when someone is touching you? Or you can't go to sleep except when alone? Tell me, pandas :)		17No Reasons
18(6) Nice walk, an idea for a painting forming, feeling good and positive in general. Not about everything, but wanting to live and drink up life just like I used to before certain things happened. Yay!19(6) I've been feeling tired and low today. Didn't do much, just a lot of cat hugging. Once Inga got home I felt bette. Got creative plans for tomorrow! And a very special present to open ? ??20(10) This was the best birthday I've ever had. Not even as a child, have I ever felt this blissful. I've been showered with gifts of music and art, and a genuine desire to share, and, well, love.21(6) (backdated) was feeling a bit tired from all the excitement of the previous day. Rested, did a couple chores.22(7) (backdated) Missed a run because my heel was sore, and the weather was bad. Painted a portion of the guitar. Thought of a good name for it. Also, had a sort of an artsy business idea. Feeling good.23No Reasons24No Reasons
25(7) I've been to a play last night, and it was genius. Honestly, great theatre plays happen about as often as good movies, and I feel so lucky and privileged to have been there. I've also hung out with
(5) Today started off bad, but I went for a run and did some useful stuff at home. Tired of the negativity coming from Alex. Such a waste of time and energy. Not sure what to do. I feel like this could		26(8) Went for a walk (something I don't usually do alone), did chores, worked on the guitar project, cooked a little, watched a little great TV ('You' again). The best part of my day though was seeing some27No Reasons28(5) I've been feeling a bit low yesterday, because my subconscious was fucking with me. I couldn't even have a proper run. Talking to a friend helped though! In fact, it helped so much I've decided to
(7) Got a dark red chest of drawers, new bedsheets ( peacock! I wanted something crazy), a new blouse. Plan for tomorrow: run, assemble the chest, organize my room. Finish painting!
March
MTWTFSS
    1(6) Busy busy day today. Mounted my new chest of drawers, cleaned the floor and the mattress, changed the sheets to the new pretty ones. My room still needs a lot of work, but one side of it is looking2(8) Bought a carpet Inga had requested. Run (and did well), done some chores. I've stopped drinking alcohol but said to myself I can have some every Saturday. I really don't feel any better now I've had3No Reasons
4No Reasons5(5) Hard day yesterday, some bad memories. But I painted them out.6(6) Went to see the German version of Lazarus last night. Then we hung out with a friend from theatre. It was fun.7(5) Grumpy and irritable today. Did a new kind of run yesterday and went for a walk in the rain today. Hoping mood improves when the sun comes back.8No Reasons9(5) Backdated. A fun Saturday, watched Bohemian Rhapsody again, enjoyed the night in general. Still feeling unenergized. I loved being all active and bubbly, I want more of that, please!10(6) Went to a motorbike exhibition with Inga and Alex. It was good. I want to go for a ride soon, but the weather has to change. It's still crazy windy here. Alert level windy.
11(6) First day of B2 German. I did better than I thought, actually got one of the two best results in the group. Feels nice. Also, the new teacher seems nice and chill.12No Reasons13(5) Wind and rain every day, I haven't run in a week and it's starting to get to me. I excercise at home but that's never made me feel any better. Can't wait for the stupid storms to be over!14(7) Feeling peaceful and cozy since last night. Very glad to see the darkness take a step back. Plans for today: walk to a far off supermarket (in the rain), some chores and painting.15(7) The painting is killing me! My back hurts so much from being bent over for over an hour. Gonna try and adjust the easel and paint sitting down tomorrow. I like it though, can't wait to be done with it16No Reasons17(8) Finally had some good weather and went for a run. It was OK. Feeling pretty good about myself. Done with the hard part of the painting. All is well except for the three day long headache.
18No Reasons19(6) Did a run. Bought some pretty tape for the windowsills. Unclogged a drain, did regular chores. No time to finish my painting these days. Head hurting since last Friday. Like the good old days! Ugh.20(4) We were just at a light and saw a guy on a cool chopper with such an awesome helmet on... We looked at him and smiled and ?, he also did ? and drove off and... Fell. Right in front of us. We feel21No Reasons22(6) I'm very grateful for a lesson I have recieved last year. It is this: mentally ill or not, we still have a choice to make about how we see our lives. One can strive to be positive or not. Just trying23(6) I keep forgetting to update. When I try and keep moving I feel pretty good, so that's what I try to do. The paln for today is: a run, a shower after, pharmacy visit, groceries, then going to Inga's
(2) Here we go, I'm heavily triggered and spiralling tonight. I can't bring myself to show it to anyone around me. It's too close to my heart, the stuff I'm thinking, it's mine and mine alone. It always		24(5) Today is one of those times when I need to influence my mood. I'm not sad like yesterday anymore, but I can easily get into a negative pattern right now and stay in it for a long time.
25(6) German lesson today. Some chores. A little exercise. I bought a nice notebook in a Swedish eco friendly shop in town. I haven't journaled since I ran out of pages in the previous notebook. I think it26(4) Ran. Cleaned, cooked, painted (a little), watched an episode with Inga (as always). Same old negative thoughts at the back of my mind. I suddenly remembered when they started. I mean, I've always been27No Reasons28(5) Backdated. Lots to do tomorrow.
(5) Started journaling during my depressive episodes again (yesterday). I feel a little better already, a little bit more self-aware.		29No Reasons30No Reasons31(6) A great day in Dresden yesterday. It's a nice city, I really like the atmosphere there. Probably because it's Eastern Germany and they've got Russian vibes sort of. Hung out with new people, feeling
April
MTWTFSS
1(6) A little while ago I've decided to only drink alcohol on social occasions. And to drink less of it when I do. I've been sticking to the plan and feeling pretty good. And still I notice talk of how2No Reasons3(3) Very shitty mood. No particular reason, just a phase I suppose. Might take a long lasting Quetiapine today. Will see how that goes. Don't want to do anything but got German lesson and quiz later. Not4(7) Did I mention I was irritable? I've gotten into an argument with Alex. He was being slightly dicky, but I'd normally ignore that. Then, spent an hour talking to Inga about him, life, fear of intimacy5(6) Woke up feeling less motivated than I'd like to be. Went for a run, then a walk then another walk with Inga. Did a total of 19k steps, feeling great now. I think I'll sleep super well :) Great talks6No Reasons7(6) Didn't exercise yesterday, didn't paint either. Got my new glasses, tested new contacts, then grocery shopped and cleaned. I guess that's OK too. It wasn't a bad day. I do hope I find time to paint
8(4) Was playing badminton yesterday when suddenly my leg went out from under me and felt like my knee was bent to the left. When the pain subsided I couldn't stand on the leg, because it would bend at a9(5) Spent yesterday talking to doctors, but don't know what I've done to my leg. Seems there is a tear in there somewhere. I can walk slowly though so I did take that plane and I'm in Porto now. I was10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13(8) Leg didn't stop me from having fun on holiday. I got a crutch and walked more than I expected. Muscles used to it by now though right hand is a bit sore. And Portugal is my favorite place now :)14(7) Leg's feeling better, I've read that I should be going for walks after having it rest for a few days (let's pretend like I did do that. I mean, a crutch is rest, right?). Kiwi the cat is overjoyed to
15(5) I'm feeling sad for reasons I can't fully comprehend. Hoping telling a friend and hearing what they've got to say will bring me some clarity. Will journal as well.16No Reasons17(5) Lazy day. Not particularly sad, so that's good.18(6) Finally told myself to go and paint something. It felt good. Tried a (very small) black canvas for the first time ever, I loved it! Thought I'd conveyed what I was feeling.19No Reasons20(5) I'm still feeling lost without my knee problem. I mean, I still can't run or even walk normally, but when it was really bad I felt so much better about myself. Like I was being strong, and overcoming21No Reasons
22(7) Woke up sort of low but then worked a bit on an art project and got pretty happy, bubbly almost. A walk (7km) has made me feel even better. Now I'm pleasantly tired and quietly content.23(5) Irritable, sleepy and annoyed today. Everyone's ill, I've got allergies flaring up. I think I'm being annoying as well. Wanna be somewhere else.24No Reasons25(5) A very shitty day became better after sharing with a friend, listening to some music, watching a movie and painting a little something. I'm feeling lucky to have all I have, including you, pandas.
(6) Finally got my diagnosis: torn front part of the cruciate ligament (cruciate sounds like a spell from Harry Potter) and a bone contusion. I don't know what the treatment is yet, but it's a pity it's		26No Reasons27(5) I've had a very anxious evening yesterday. It doesn't happen to me a lot, so I don't cope well. Above all, I try to hide it from everyone, which is stupid but is a big part of me. I had some rum and28(6) I feel bad, sad and upset waking up when I don't sleep well. I didn't realize that before because I used to never sleep well. Now that I've got my magic pill for that I can see the difference. Sleep
(6) Something you didn't know about me: I get upset after having sex sometimes. A lot of times. Hell, I didn't realize it was happening myself up until right now. My partners don't know it, I'd never
29No Reasons30(5) The fate of my knee is sealed. Surgery in the 3 to 4 upcoming weeks. I've chosen to drink a lot of rum and be unaware and giddy today. Tomorrow I'll be making appointments and giving the news to MUM.
May
MTWTFSS
  1(6) Today's my one year anniversary with Inga. It seems like life's always been this way, and at the same time it feels like no time has passed at all. I've never experienced this little conflict in my2(5) I've been operating from a deep set feeling that I was defective, and 'bad', and not good enough my whole life. So I'm used to thinking I'm just pretending to be strong, and calm, and understanding.3No Reasons4(5) I used to be a smoker for like 12 years. Sometimes people would say to me: don't you know this is bad for you? I would think, 'are you a moron or something? Why do you think I do it?'. Now I vape5No Reasons
6No Reasons7(6) I've been so serious lately, time for an afternoon post about everyday life. I've had my first German lesson since my knee injury yesterday (because I've been on vacation, and then there was a break8No Reasons9(5) A little tidying up, a walk, German lesson. Mood not great. Got back home, made some silly jokes, laughed with Inga, then she said 'I was in such a shitty mood, but you're such fun I'm all better now'10No Reasons11(5) Migraines and being all puffy lately. Am I that weather sensitive now? Gosh! Feeling ugly and annoyed. Got the details and date on the upcoming surgery. It's more complicated than I thought, and rehab12(5) Definitely depressed phase. Cried at night, but feeling better in the daytime, especially with the sunshine and nice walking weather. Feeling unmotivated and tired, but the worst part is that it's
13No Reasons14(7) Thought of a cool present for Alex (it only arrived this morning). We had a nice celebration yesterday. I did a painting I really like the other day. Got part of the stuff needed for the surgery.15(5) A drunk Alex (he's on vacation) fell onto my favorite (because it's the newest one) painting last night. I got angry, then I got sad, now I'm just wallowing. It's a non-horrible situation made16No Reasons17No Reasons18(6) I'm OKayish. I walk a bunch every day, I feel really good physically, but anxious about the surgery, and there's the regular problems with Alex, and with my inner crap, but life is OK. Some of it is19(5) I'm feeling more and more anxious. I don't know why, I never used to be scared of surgeries. Maybe it's because I know it'll be a long recovery. Or because I have to remember a lot of stuff to do and
20(5) Not one of my best days. Went to the pharmacy, the post office and made appointments for rehab. Took 2 seroquels so I can sleep better. Gonna have some cookies. Will pack tomorrow morning.21No Reasons22(7) Back home! Got a chair to keep my feet up and some frozen cranberries to cool my knee. Some physical pain has made me well again. Typical me. Also, I'm on some painkillers, so I'm doing good. Found 223(7) Early wake up to give myself a shot in the belly. Good thing I'm fat! They say it's much more painful for skinny people. Had an appointment with an ortho who was unhelpful and incompetent. Then24No Reasons25(5) Did a painting yesterday that I can't find a name for yet. Burden complex flaring up. Shower yesterday was so painful, I'll probably wait about 3 days before I attempt it again. That's unlike me, I26(7) Glued all the mounts to the paintings that were frameless but needed to go on my wall at the exhibition. That was yesterday. Today I've painted a new one. I'm getting 2 metres more than I thought, so
27(5) A painless shower today, yay! The simple pleasures. I still need help taking one though... But I think I'll get the hang of it soon. An unremarkable day, mood fluctuating so giving it a 5.28(8) Had physical therapy in the morning. Found a thermos flask so now I don't need anyone to bring me coffee or tea! Overjoyed. It's been 1 week since the surgery, only 3 on crutches left to go. Feeling29No Reasons30(6) I am stich-free as of today. Now, this is starting to feel like recovery! Tomorrow I'll be able to take a shower without wrapping my leg in plastic film. Watched a brilliant movie. Long day.
(6) Good day. Mood fluctuating a bit but fine in general. Painted (not finished yet). On one hand, I'm in some pain, I can't do anything with the stupid crutches, and I can't go for walks, and my mood		31No Reasons
June
MTWTFSS
     1(6) OK day yesterday, not satisfied with how a painting is turning out, but don't quite know what to do with it. Don't you just love when that's your main problem of the day?
(6) Still not sure about that painting. Might be better to just drop it for a month :) I had one of those hours today when I get a little dopamine rush (I suppose that's what it is, since it happens for		2(8) I wanted to write about this earlier but I forgot. I'm giving me an 8 just for this one thing. I've been looking through old photos (from 9 and 10 years ago), and naturally I saw some pictures of my
(8) A very nice day. Fun chatting online, finished the painting (now I definitely have enough stuff for my wall), enjoyed the fresh air on the balcony with Inga, was OK when mum had gone weird about the
3(7) Another lovely day, except for a very sore shoulder and a bit of a headache. Did the little loops on the back of my flat paintings to hang them. Painted parts of the crutch. Enjoying this life a lot.4(6) The crutch I'll take to the festival is ready, it just needs some varnish so the acrylic paint doesn't run once I start sweating all over it. I hope it helps. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'll also5(9) I need to write this down before the exhibition happens and I'm all disappointed, or just crash after all the excitement. Something's changed lately. I don't hate to see myself in the mirror anymore.6(8) We did it! We hung all of my paintings today, everything is ready for the festival that starts tomorrow. I'm excited and a bit worried about a painting falling down or something. It's a very old7No Reasons8(7) I had fun hanging out with other artists today. Also, watching people look at my paintings. Some spent quite a while in my room, but not many. There were not many people in general, maybe there'll be
(5) Yesterday I left my paintings in the company of drunk people playing with VR goggles. They were sitting very close to my stuff, and Inga even asked them to move a little, which they did (like 20 cm),		9(7) Here we are, the festival is over. It was fun! It would have been more so if I didn't have my leg problem. I'm feeling tired after the stress and unusualness of it, but there's also some sense of
10No Reasons11(6) Had a good rest yesterday, got very emotional watching 'Submarine'. Overall nice day.
(6) Coming down after the excitement of the exhibition and the concentration of getting it all ready. I thought it would be worse! On the other hand, this might not be it yet. For now, I'm feeling		12(5) I've been feeling anxious all day, I think I need to paint.13No Reasons14(8) After having been driven to physical therapy I spontaneously decided to walk back home. It's 1 km uphill, and it was my first walk on crutches, and it was OK! I really enjoyed being out. Also, I've15(4) Shit, I've talked myself into a downward spiral. Well done, me.
(5) The day started off crappy but I felt better after going grocery shopping (not alone and in a car, of course). It made me feel like a real human being that does things. My panda friend helped me, too.		16(5) Been very depressed and anxious all day till I started painting and had some rum. Will give me a 5 for the lovely people in my life.
17No Reasons18(6) Walked to physical therapy and back today. It takes a while but it's nice to be out and about. The smells of grass, and earth and flowers. Ahhh. Another early appointment tomorrow. Feeling good.19(8) Had to go and see a new psychiatrist because I'm out if Seroquel and mine is on vacation (or something). The new doc who's never met me looked at my history and was like 'Is this all you take? Just a20No Reasons21(7) Ooh, it's been quite a day. Taking off the brakes and turning El Camino up (in my headphones because it's nighttime). 9 more days to the new Keys album by the way. I can indulge myself and listen to
(5) Crappy day. Whenever I get too excited there's payback soon after. Feeling tired, unable to enjoy things, can't settle down. got this playing in my head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpZjuvI-s8Y		22No Reasons23(6) Feeling better today after a slow and somewhat painful walk. Feeling free again. Also some tough conversations, some changing moods. There are things I wish I had, and which I find it hard to believe
(7) Went for a walk in the ready-made house world (dunno what to call it otherwise), climbed all the stairs, walked around like a normal human being (though on crutches), wasn't tired or anything. This is
(3) Whoa, I've just gotten a PTSD kind of moment. Sometimes I just react to things and it's fast as lightning, I go into fight mode. I can feel the adrenaline and then BOOM I want to hit someone.
24No Reasons25(6) I can walk without crutches or with one crutch around the apartment. That's amazing! I can do things! I've cleaned and cooked today and I can't say I've missed that (NO), but it's nice to be of use.26No Reasons27(9) I got the best parcel EVER today! Paintings from John T! Such a precious gift, I don't really have the words to express how I feel. As we Russians say: 'happy as an elephant'. Because elephants have28No Reasons29(5) Walked too much today, my knee started huring and it's swollen now. It's nothing serious, I just overdid it, which was easy, I didn't even walk that much. Mood going up and down today. Lovely start30(8) New Keys' album is out and on my phone. Just what I wanted, something fun, something humble, something silly and hopeful, pure like a kid's prayer, sentimental like an old man's heart.
(6) Good day overall. Shower, walk, chatting, cooking, painting, chores. I just put a list on another panda's journal. I don't know if they are going to hate it, but honestly it did me good to go through
July
MTWTFSS
1(4) Relationships are complicated. Inga says it sucks no-one shares her feelings about things. Things she dislikes. She's very emotional about food, or colours, or types of clothes, or patterns, or voices2No Reasons3(4) Still in the bad phase. Worrying about everything, upsetting myself. I don't want to score too low for today, it's been an okayish day with its nice moments (being outside walking and talking on the4(3) I've got a new dress and new music to listen to. I've got wonderful people in my life. I feel so ungrateful. There is a reason to be worried, I'll find out tomorrow just how much of a reason it is.
(5) I'm fine physically. Well, not quite but it's nothing serious. I had a scare but I'll be OK. Mood's a bit better, but I'm still irritable and sad. I don't want to be not nice to anyone. Hope I'm not.		5No Reasons6(5) Imagine you've been drawing in the sand with a stick. The more times you draw the same line the deeper it gets. That's what my thoughts feel like when I get depressed. They start following
(5) Got to reading Richard Grannon's free ebook on how to stop an emotional flashback. I could have read it two years ago, but I didn't. Holding on to things that are hurtful and dangerous doesn't sound		7(6) Went out for an African Festival today. It's one of those small German Fests, there was only one band on today. I sort of danced a little, you know, like those shy boys at a school dance. My leg can't
8No Reasons9(9) Guess who's back! My good mood is. Inga and Alex have left for a week and I've stayed home with the cats because of my knee. I could have gone, really, but we didn't know that when Inga was buying10(8) My subby sometimes gifts me with an obvious and powerful dream. Last night was one of those nights. I was on a ship, a modern huge metal thing, and there was a storm. The land was in sight but the11No Reasons12(5) OK day, some chores and a walk, nice chat with Alice. Major freak out later though. Hot and red in the face, feeling like my head would explode, uncontrollable sobbing, some disassociation.13(5) A good day but a tough night. Longing. Fear. Longing again.
(5) Intimacy is the core issue for many people with PTSD, personality disorders, and all kinds of mental problems. I have noticed myself that as soon as there are intimacy and closeness I become		14No Reasons
15(6) Yesterday I was still flashbacking but managed to finally get myself out of it by watching some videos on psychology and talking to mum and a friend. Doing useful chores helps, and Mr. Grannon's16(5) Decided to take some slow-release Quetiapine (Seroquel) for a while. It does make my evenings calmer. Inga and Alex are back home, Inga is sick and upset because she's sick on vacation, and Alex is17(6) OK day. Mostly happy because I can now walk around the flat and sleep without the brace! Went on 2 walks. Happy about losing a little weight ( that probably affects my mood more than I'd like).18(5) I'm at the beginning of something that might lead to a sort of a psychological breakthrough. I keep having these eureka moments. I usually love these stretches of life, where things come together,19No Reasons20No Reasons21(6) Changes are coming. For once I'm not the one initiating them. I'll have to accept my part of the responsibility though. It's going to be very hard. It's probably a good thing I'm back on Seroquel.
22(4) I'm not doing great today. I'm sad and worried, and I don't want to root my life up right now. I was just getting used to it, just getting comfortable. Plus, everything's been so nice and peaceful at23(5) It's been a bad day up to the moment when I had an epiphany. When I feel I'm in love and am admiring someone and am really emotionally open, it makes me feel too vulnerable, and I start looking for a24No Reasons25(5) Had a walk in spite of the heat, did chores, spent a nice calm evening with Inga (and without everyone else). Anxiety won't let me be, but I guess that's to be expected in the kind of situation I'm in26No Reasons27(5) Stressed. Can't wait for Sunday. Feeling better thanks to a special someone.
(5) Well, I've done my best. Starting tomorrow life will change. I came to Germany to be a part of a thruple, but that didn't work. Sometimes plans don't work. Most of the time they don't. Let's see		28No Reasons
29(5) Step one is done. Now either Alex or Inga and I will move out. It's easier for everyone (including cats, he won't take good care of them) if he does, but it's going to be an endurance race listening30(6) I've felt it today! A little tinge of good mood as I was walking home and listening to some music. I'm starting to feel excited about our new life. It's a good sign, I think I'm finally getting out of31No Reasons
August
MTWTFSS
   1(6) Finished a painting. An ok day, though I'm finding it hard to concentrate.
(4) Triggered, flashbacking. Understanding what's going on changes everything. Not my emotions, but the way I behave, and that's what matters because that's what constructs my relationships. I'm very		2(5) This PTSD related self-therapy I'm trying to do is hard work! I'm only now realizing how frequent and powerful my flashbacks are and how long some of them last. For days, man! Knowledge is power tho.3No Reasons4(5) Experimenting with music lately. I didn't quite realize what an effect it had on me till now. Upbeat and positive music can get me out of a flashback when combined with a walk in nature. Sad music
(5) Nice day out at the finale of the Pride Week here in Nuremberg. Impressed some people with the stuff I ordered for Inga and myself, danced a little, had a chill and fun time, heard a great new band
5(5) The day started off really bad with a dream that made me feel like my subconscious was trolling me. It was hard to stop thinking about it and thinking about the person in it. It was hard to stop6No Reasons7(6) Lightning and rain outside. Feeling very peaceful. It's been a nice day. ?
(6) Walked in the rain, listened to some podcasts and some music, baked for the first time in a looooong while. Feeling good. <3		8(5) Waiting for some important news tomorrow. Inga's daughter Alice has got a lump in her breast, and it doesn't look good. I had a scare myself a month ago, but it was an obviously not cancer thing.9(3) Tough tough day. Regressed to a childlike state (PTSD thing) and it's really hard to handle, because no words help, really. Becoming more and more aware though. No news on our little Alice.10(5) Following advice for PTSD suferers, I've been trying to treat myself in a childlike state as an actual kid. I've been feeling very good today doing that. Letting myself be this way. I don't think it's11No Reasons
12(5) Nice day yesterday, went to the lake ( for an hour, it got cold after that) and tried swimming for the first time since my knee accident. I can swim! Though I'm not allowed to use the injured leg yet.
(7) Lovely day talking to my J. Been feeling great ever since. Everyone is sad at home though, I'm trying to be supportive, though I have no idea how that's done... I let people talk and cry and I listen.		13(5) A calm day after being overly excited yesterday. Finally finished a painting that's been annoying me for some time. Keeping an eye on the changing states and talking myself out of the sadder moods.14(5) Felling blech today. Not all bad though. Two days off coming for Inga, hoping to do some painting now that I'm not the only one taking care of the apartment. I miss J. Which is silly, ? oh but anyone15(9) Happy! I got a present that's not only sweet and wonderful in itself, it also feels like absolution for very personal reasons. Like I finally am absolved of what's been weighing on me for 8 years.16(6) Good day, today enjoying nature at the market garden, doing chores, just living and doing stuff. I've spoken to my Russian friends on skype last night, that was nice as well. We know less and less17No Reasons18(10) I'm happy. I've watched a triggering film and I've been in a state of panic for half of it, but I feel I can handle anything right now. <3
19No Reasons20(8) I've helped Alex move out some of his things and buy and assemble some furniture yesterday. His new apartment is nice. I hope life gets better for him. He and Inga are both sad, but that's normal.21(8) I got my own painting corner! Cleaned out all the painting stuff, threw out what I didn't need, organised what I do. Did a background for later using Alice's leftover wall paint. Prepared an old22No Reasons23No Reasons24(9) Having flashbacks is like having a time-machine. Working on your flashbacks, it would seem, grants one an ability to be both in the past and the present simultaneously. There are moments these days25(3) It's epiphany day, guys. I got a not so passive-aggressive message from mum which she'd sent because she's feeling lonely in Berlin. The details don't matter. I've been able to partially control my
(4) I've been doing good today, keeping mum at bay, not disassociating, not going into a flashback... and being a dick to the nicest, kindest, most loved person in my life. Well done, me! Fuck me sideways
26No Reasons27(6) I'd told my subby I wanted to remember what exactly's happened to me as a child. And after some time working on the emotional flashbacks, it's happened. I was shocked and horrified yesterday, but28(7) I've never been so un-suicidal while not hypomanic before. It's an all-time low for self-hatred, self-disgust and shame. Wow. Enjoying some me time by the pool. AND feeling lovey dovey. Life's good.29No Reasons30(6) Last night was kind of tough, but I had a decent swim today, so that makes a 6 I guess? Thinking a lot about the future, the things I need to accomplish, the changes I need to make. I'm not scared.31No Reasons
September
MTWTFSS
      1(4) Feeling needy. Gone into an abandonment melange. Trying hard not to hate myself for that. It's so hard to only do good, healthy, rational things when I'm like this. Some journaling and then bed.
(4) Went to my dancing teacher's place to find out she is quitting teaching. I can't dance for 6 more months anyway. I'll probably start Zumba once I'm allowed. Otherwise still not doing great. Having
2No Reasons3(3) Last night was really tough, still flashbacking. Didn't even pack. Threw some clothes into my bag that I'm not sure even go together. There's still morning. Traveling will reboot me.
(5) Now that I don't need mother's approval or validation I catch myself thinking: ' she's so much fun. She's really artistic and funny and smart. And she's got an impeccable sense of style'.		4No Reasons5(3) Alicia: 0, Mum the Gaslighting Pro: 1. Got reduced to a heap of snot last night. She's got an unfair advantage when it comes to my buttons, because she's created my buttons. And I can't hate her.6(6) Well, this has been an interesting experience. Mother has said she was sorry she didn't give me the sense of security I needed to go into the world. I've solemnly promised her I would give up all
(7) Been happy ever since my swim last night. Bought mirror (!) goggles and hand flippers today. Super excited to try the latter out. I've been doubting whether I need them but here in Berlin everyone		7No Reasons8(4) Nope. Can't have a normal relationship with mum. Just can't. She wears me out. Trying to paint my sorrows away.
9(5) I look back now and I realize my overall life experience has probably as much due to habit as to brain chemistry. Who knows, maybe my upbringing had changed the chemistry? No-one was happy in my10(7) I'm feeling pretty good today. Got some flip flops for the pool ( going tomorrow), a tartan cardigan that looks great with my Doc Martens and walked a lot. I've faced some old traumas, now it's time11(5) Had a nice swim in the pool. Did my now usual 2km. Looking forward to not living with mum again, though these 10 days have taught me a lot. Mood is not great but better than a few days ago.12No Reasons13(3) I don't know what to say. It's been a nice day, but I'm feeling sad now.
(4) Mum's flown off to Moscow (having given us both some farewell stress). I. is on her way here. I'm feeling worn out and not really looking forward to anything. We're flying to Greece tomorrow, so		14(8) An amazing excursion. Atmospheric, stimulating, note to self: next time take one of these on day one, so that I know what I want to do next. The island of Kefallonia is perfect. I can't help but miss
(5) I've been so stressed out lately that my brain refuses to function. My memory is just not there, I keep screwing everything up. I'd forgotten my passport at home. Alice has sent it to me, we've		15No Reasons
16(7) Yesterday was very nice. Walked a lot. Drank too much though. The Picasso exhibition was great!
(5) A panic attack at noon. Walking, swimming and music to the rescue. If I do nothing I'll go to the Zombie state, and I don't want that. I can feel it very close. That would mean no energy, no emotions,		17No Reasons18(7) I realise now I get daily flashbacks in the evenings. Days when I don't are rare and make me so happy. This was one of those days. Arrived in Greece, instantly in love with everything here.
(4) Nice walk in the park, came home to a freaked out Inga. We played some board games and listened to some music, she felt better. Now it's me having a flashback. Can't sleep, gotta take a plane soon.		19(6) Good day, the sea is warm, I swim as much as I can. It's like a parallel universe here. Everything is so good. The sea is my favourite therapist.20No Reasons21(9) Will have to do some backdated posts for my vacation in Greece. Sorry for the spam, pandas. The island of Kefalonia is amazing, it's great for swimming in September, there's plenty of fun stuff to do,22No Reasons
23(5) Came back home last night. Got very triggered by a video on BPD, didn't really handle it, just wore myself out and went to sleep. Some of the states I flash back to are so intense they give me amnesia24(6) I started feeling really low somewhere in the evening which usually leads to a downward spiral of tears and flashbacks, but I've handled it really well today! Put on some videos by DissociaDID, had25No Reasons26(6) I've been a little overwhelmed by the thoughts of how my life is not what I want it to be, of what I should be doing with it, and the sooner the better, that I've forgotten to enjoy it. And even
(8) Yes, I did it! Finally, I've completed 2 paintings. It feels like *insert a sex analogy here*. It feels GOOD. I was worried there for a moment that I'd never be able to *insert a sex analogy here*		27No Reasons28(5) Lots of negative stuff happening right now. Nothing major, but I've gone into Zombie mode. It was so hard getting to the store and back today like I was walking through jelly. Did some chores though.29(8) Great day. First dancing workshop since my knee injury. Played MTG with a friend, what a sweet escape! Fought a flashback and won. No negativity in the PM which is RARE. Content :)
30No Reasons
October
MTWTFSS
 1(8) I've been having a very nice time lately. Mostly due to talking to J., I know that. I've got a cold, and I don't feel that great waking up in the morning, and I'm stressed about a lot of stuff, but2No Reasons3(6) Been sort of in a bar fight tonight. My heart rate didn't even go up. A part of me felt comfortable if you can believe it. The part that came out to defend, it's calm like an underground lake. PTSD is
(6) Why do people feel happy when they fall in love? There are hormones and stuff at work, granted, but I think the biggest part of it is actually turning one's back on one's past for a while and getting		4No Reasons5No Reasons6(7) I've had a very nice time playing Magic The Gathering and just hanging out with people tonight. They were all dudes, I don't know why, is it like a super masculine game for real bros? Anyway, it was
(5) Feeling pointless and flat today. Something's amiss. I wish I knew the future. But that would probably just take all the fight out of me. When something bad happens I sometimes think how good it is
7No Reasons8(6) Doing good, only wishing I had more energy and motivation. Hopefully once I get back off the slow-acting Quetiapine. Which seems to do nothing for me.9(3) My inner critic is not an idiot. She doesn't say 'you're not good enough because you don't look a certain way, or you don't behave in a certain way, or you're not successful in a certain way'. No.10No Reasons11(4) It is quiet in my head like after a party where someone got drunk and stirred shit up and said and done some things that shouldn't have been said and done, and now everyone is just sitting around12No Reasons13(4) Yesterday was intentionally quiet. I've made mushroom soup and an apple sour cream pie. Had to be careful about what I watch, listen to and think about. Darkness was just under the surface but at
14(4) I was not ready to watch a tragic film last night, that was a mistake. I did OK though, didn't get upset at anyone, didn't drink, watched some vids and went to bed.15(5) It's been a flat day, I've got a very sore throat but I still enjoyed the walk (errands mostly), the warm sunny day, the music. And just now, sitting at my PC at 1 a.m. I suddenly felt a shift. Like I16(5) Did some housework, the day was otherwise uneventful. Cut my finger pretty deep. Still quiet and weird inside. Something's changed, or at least that's what it feels like. Like some part of me is gone.
(8) Instead of reading about my mental health let's all go say Happy Birthday to the lovely panda legend John T :)		17No Reasons18(5) Since my German is not very fluent I've written a speech for my psychiatrist to read instead of trying to remember words, forgetting what I needed to say instead and wasting another appointment.
(5) I got my first SSRI's on Friday. Sertralin it's called. Keeping the quick Quetipine to take before sleep. It doesn't seem to have the same horrible effect as the slow release one.		19(5) Plagued with nightmares in which I find myself back with my ex-husband. It feels horrible, and I'm happy I'm not there. But why dream about him all the time? What's my subby trying to say? We're not20(5) I've never been content with my body. It comes from a thousand little things from childhood and bigger things from later on. My dad's insisting on me being athletic, faster, stronger than all the boys
21No Reasons22(5) Last day of taking half tablet of Sertralin to see how it goes with the side effects. Nothing to report so far! Hoping for more energy and more motivation. Doing the bare minimum these days.23(5) Feeling OK. Been to a small queer art exhibition. It was good. Went for a walk with freehand weights (I think that's what they're called). Worked on my CV. Tired but don't want to go to sleep.24No Reasons25(6) Day 3 of SSRI's (entire tablet), feeling OK. Mood is better today, feeling kind of motivated. Could be due to weight loss, but I'll take it! I've been walking with freehand weights for 2 days, it's26No Reasons27(5) I still feel like there's a part of me missing like it's gone dormant or died off or something. And even though that part was suicidal and very sad and unable to function, I am grieving. It probably
28(5) Tried a new dance class today, then went to a concert at night. Tired but content. It's been a good day.29(6) A job opportunity may be presenting itself. It's a crappy job, but it's my first one here in Germany, so that's OK. Learn some language, acquire some confidence, make a little money. Fingers crossed!
(5) Stressful day! Ended up drinking some. I could have done without. Ah well, we all screw up sometimes, right? Watching the new season of Bojack Horseman, wonderful and depressing as ever :)		30(6) Got a Skype job interview tomorrow. In German. God, why do I keep moving to countries without learning their language first? If I move again it'll only be to an English-speaking one, dammit.31(9) I CRUSHED the Skype job interview. They were charmed, they were impressed by my German, they like my experience, I'm having a trial day next week. And I made them laugh a bunch of times. No biggie.
November
MTWTFSS
    1No Reasons2(8) Overexcited by doing well during the interview, didn't sleep much in the last 48 hours. Did a painting about the part of me that's disappeared. Grief and love are the two dominating emotions right now3(6) MTG night with friends. Fun! Enjoying quieting down now that I'm home. it's been a good day.
(7) Dancing and hanging out with people today. A bit of a hectic weekend, I would have liked to have some quiet time. I feel pretty good though.
4(7) Day 13 on Sertralin, feeling pretty good. The shift that happened in my mind during the last crisis was for the better, too, I feel like a new, better me. Let's hope it sticks :)5No Reasons6No Reasons7(8) On the train back home after a trial night at work. I really liked it! A beautiful place and the long-forgotten feeling that the night belongs to me. When I was a teenager night was the only time I8No Reasons9No Reasons10(9) I've danced today, and my dance teacher was impressed by me, and that was the first time in my life someone was impressed by my physical ability... A day to remember!
11No Reasons12(5) Today was tough. I've signed up for driving school, and thoughts of driving give me flashbacks. I felt like an utter piece of shit today. I do hope I can work through it because I would love to drive.13(6) A nice boring day. Went for a walk. Feeling grateful for my J. And for some things about myself, too. I'm doing OK I think.14(7) A good day. Had a talk, did a walk, watched half of season 2 of The End of the Fucking World and some football. Lovely.15(6) I've been brought up to ignore my feelings as not important. I've been learning to listen to them lately. It appears that winter with it's cold and dark brings mild flashbacks. I get hypervigilant,16No Reasons17(9) Yesterday was such a happy day because of J. The situation is less than perfect but I can't help but feel certain. And happy. Also, I've spent the night playing MTG and hanging out with people.
18(8) Going to my first driving theory lesson today. In German, so that's going to be suboptimal, but what can you do. It's either that or take the bus every time. Feeling peaceful. Optimistic. Appreciative19No Reasons20No Reasons21(8) Had a lot of fun cutting cards (long story) and playing with a dog today. Feeling good in general. I think Sertraline has kicked in. I feel good but strange, like is this still me?22No Reasons23(7) MTG night with Alex and Zhenya. Loved hanging out with bros XD. I used to hang out with guys a lot and feel very much like one of them. I've missed it. The jokes in poor taste, the unimportance of24(6) I got my contract and I'm starting work on the 1st of December. Found out about something that's happened to someone I love. It made me feel... flattened. Of course, I'll be OK and I want to know
25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29(6) I'm officially starting work on the 1st of December. I've gad a safety training day yesterday and met some of my colleagues. They seem nice. Been to a lovely concert after that, danced my head off,30No Reasons
December
MTWTFSS
      1No Reasons
2(7) On the way to my second of five consecutive night shifts. Feeling good. Very happy about my German language progress. I'm lucky to have my language brain ? I'm so chill about a new job, meeting new3No Reasons4(8) I'm having a great time at work. I feel a little stupid because of my German, but I enjoy doing the bar and giving people alcohol in general ? Also, watching a film and having some free pizza is5No Reasons6(7) Last work night this week. I'll have three days off. Still enjoying myself, not very tired, but looking forward to some gaming, some rum and some chill time doing nothing.7No Reasons8No Reasons
9No Reasons10No Reasons11No Reasons12No Reasons13No Reasons14No Reasons15No Reasons
16No Reasons17No Reasons18No Reasons19No Reasons20No Reasons21No Reasons22No Reasons
23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons
30No Reasons31No Reasons