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January
MTWTFSS
 1(5) Happy new year, dear Pandas! ?? I'm wishing you all the best for 2019, and hope that it'll be filled with small and big achievements, happiness, contentment and health. Take it easy, dear ones.2(4) 30 min of snow calmed me down after having cried half of the night. Calm day, mentally exhausted.3(3) Tbh, I don't remember this day. At least not yet. According to some chats it doesn't seem to have been an enjoyable one, though.4(5) Dentist, Dinner with my grandpa and ma, then my memory is failing me again. What exciting days they have been, huh? ?5(4) Lonely, unmotivated, lethargic, uninspired, downward spiral. The usual, then.6No Reasons
7(5) Still generally bad mood, but calmer after having come back from vet. Blood work looks good, fingers crossed he'll feel better soon.8(3) Should be happy about some news, but instead just felt like crying all day. Decided against going back to Berlin again, troubled, worried, empty, overthinking, despairing.9(4) Back in Berlin. From 2 to 4 thanks to my therapist, who worked hard on getting me to see different perspectives. Emotionally and physically utterly exhausted.10(5) Tired and exhausted, but feeling a bit more hopeful. Trying to be normal, trying to wait for my time. Went grocery shopping, to work and yoga.11(5) 5,5 Work, shopping, mood pretty decent, got nothing done at home, though. Dissatisfied with lack of achievement lately.12(5) Bored, lazy, falling back into old habits. Bordering on 4, but trying to remind myself to be patient. Went out for 15 min (groceries), which was good.13(5) Similar to Saturday, though went on a stroll for almost an hour. Felt content afterwards, but then just stayed on my bed watching tv. Wasted time, dissatisfied.
14(5) Uni, sunshine, walked 10k, yoga. Mood improved throughout day, but felt tired and unfit the whole day.15(6) Cleaned flat, went to uni, did yoga (my own 30 day yoga challenge). Mood quite good, but still very tired and physically exhausted.16(5) Still not fully back into the habit of posting when it's relevant or at least once per day. // Extremely slow and unmotivated morning, therapy, uni, too little food, shopping, cooking, tv, no yoga.17(4) Suddenly full of regrets and melancholy. Can't stop the overthinking and maybe don't even want to stop it dragging me down.
(5) Mood improved slightly at work, much needed distraction even though it's boring af at the moment. Did two yoga sequences to make up for missed day yesterday. Tired.
18(5) PMS big time yesterday morning at work. Every tiny thing upset me. Long yoga session afterwards, felt pleasantly sore. Thoughts going ways I don't want them to go. Okay, though a bit lonely.19(6) 6 for the great weather, being outside for 3 hours and walking 12K. Otherwise too little food, no energy after walk, wasted time lazing about.20(4) Is this still PMS or am I just a petty b*tch? Not bad, not good, just meh. Want what I can't have and don't contribute to preserving what I have.
(5) Walked in the sun for a while, ate more regularly, did short yoga sequence, had a shower, continued procrastinating. Exams are in 3 weeks.
21(4) Bland. Bland me, bland mind, bland life.
(3) Sad
22(3) anxiety, severe lack of motivation, figuratively spinning in circles, overwhelmed, no idea how to express myself, withdrawing, detached
(5) Made it to uni despite it not looking like that at all this morning. Feeling calmer and more composed, though not sure why. Back home now and irritable again. I've the social skills of a baked potato.
23(4) Headache, unmotivated, up, down, therapy, tired, more or less just meh. Don't know what to do with myself.24(5) Slowly starting to take up communication again, and already feeling a bit lighter. But also still very tired and apprehensive. Overthinking robs you of so much energy, it's a waste, really.
(6) Had a surprisingly good time at work with lots of cake and laughter. Did yoga again for first time since Sunday. Felt good. Feeling calmer and more sorted inside my head and life again.
25(5) Nice time at work (6), then received vague news about grandpa being in hospital. Spent rest of day being worried and waiting for information (4).26(5) Still procrastinating preparing for exams (2 weeks, get a grip, me!), but starting to straighten up my flat again. Went grocery shopping, walked 11K, did yoga. Read too much on phone, now eyes hurt.27(6) Slow start into day, (kinda) clarifying talk with friend after venting my frustration on her yesterday, shorter walk in the afternoon, and got really productive at the end of the day, so a 6 for that.
28(5) Hard time getting up, veeery tired, uni, walked home in sunshine afterwards, grocery shopping, lovely chat with friend, folded laundry. Mood was quite good (6), but I've been exhausted all day (4).29(4) Purely for my lack of energy. Mood okay/good, but oh so tired. Despite being tired yesterday, I've spent too much time reading, went to bed too late, slept too little, and woke up feeling groggy.30(6) Feeling a bit more energetic, just learned that class has been cancelled for today and the sun is shining. Good start so far.31No Reasons
February
MTWTFSS
    1(5) Called in 'sick' at work to have more time for exam prep, but instead used whole day to procrastinate, even if it was a healthy kind. Walked 12K, did yoga, too exhausted in evening for learning.2(5) More procrastination. Walked 12K again, went grocery shopping, and watched too much tv. Exams? What exams?3(5) Rinse Friday and Saturday and repeat. Did a lot of nothing, walked 13K this time, very exhausted in the evening. Huge waste of time. Received lots of beautiful snow pics from my mum including cat. <3
4(5) Panicky feeling in the morning bc of procrastination: Uni, then walked in sunshine to get new prescription only to find out they're on holiday this week. Cleaned flat, then tv. Another wasted day.5(6) Good chat with friend, feeling a bit closer again, good time at uni with classmate (and fav lecturer), but still no studying. Been a long day. Good excuse, right? Right.6(6) Good therapy session, and finally some motivation to start studying. Did read some texts and was full of energy. Felt good, wish it could be like this until next Tuesday. Tv in the evening.7(5) Slow start into day, good but exhausting pilates session, got nothing done for uni at work (still a good time), utterly exhausted after coming back home. Hooray, another wasted day.8(5) Was allowed to change my shift and stayed at home with the intention of studying. Instead I only procrastinated. Hating myself a little more each day.9(4) Exam prep stress, hormones, grey rainy weather, blaming myself for all the wasted time, old issues coming up again on top of it. My mind is in the gutter. Low mood, feeling lonely, but also starting
(5) Treated myself to a fancy breakfast I normally wouldn't make and walked in the sunshine. Mood's a bit better, but procrastination is still going strong which dampens the mood again.
10(5) Slow start, good chat, procrastinating as usual, walk in the rain. Afterwards very irritable, cleaned flat to calm down, shower, tv, bed. Wasting too much time being anxious and hormonal.
11(3) Very irritable in the morning. Walk home from uni helped a bit, though had a headache for the rest of the day and did nothing.12(4) Woke up in the middle of the night by headache, took a while to fall asleep again. Slept till almost 10 am and still feel groggy and slightly headachy. No uni today, because of exam I won't attend.
(3) Horribly irritable & frustrated today. Walk in the sun but wasn't into it. A lot of (small?) mistakes starting to add up. Spent rest of day reading in bed, feeling uneasy now. Need a shower but eh..
(2) Reflecting recent failures and wondering if anything is still worth it. Why keep on wasting air, resources and money when in the end it all amounts to nothing?
13(3) Frustrated, angry, aimless
(5) Calmer and more motivated aftee therapy. Last uni session for this semester.
14(4) Incredibly tired all day. Mood okay-ish, but no energy for anything.15(5) Great weather, nice time at work, went home to my parents afterwards. Having a hard time talking to friends since Tuesday. Bit more energy, but again quite tired in the afternoon.16(5) Spring has arrived (much too early). 12+ degrees and sunshine all day. Tired again, slept till 11 am. Walked a bit, but did not much more.17(6) 6 for walking 12km with my mum in the sun. Exhausted afterwards, didn't get anything else done and feel a bit withdrawn from everyone while not knowing how to reach out.
18(5) Very tired for most of the day, walked a bit in the sunshine, had grandpa visiting. Mood okay/good/getting better, just so very tired.19(4) Packing and getting ready for going back to Berlin. Very tired and unmotivated. High anxiety level because of uni. Just want to sleep and stay near cat.20(5) Very busy day at work I'm no longer used to. Tired. Therapy in the afternoon, then walked home. Prepared lunch for next day. Mood okay.21(6) Relaxed morning, better time at work, pilates was exhausting but I felt strangely energised and motivated afterwards. Didn't manage to make use of it though. Came home and fell asleep. ?22(3) Unbelievably exhausted today. Mood down, highly irritable, workload increased again, hard time staying civil. Very grateful for calm at home, slept for three hours, ate something, then back to bed.23(5) Not a bad day. Made progress with studying, took a walk in the sun, but procrastinated after eating a late lunch.24(6) Short night, got up too late, but made good progress even though I still don't think I can pass the exam. Good flow today, but now I'm tired and will call it a day.
25(5) Good therapy session (cheated myself into thinking I could pass the exam), but otherwise hard to motivate myself. Did some studying, but procrastinated even more.26(6) 6 for the fact that I managed to study a lot and was in a relatively good mood. Body was acting up a bit though.27(5) Headache all day. Got a sick note for one week to buy some extra time for studying and writing an essay. Still can't believe how accommodating my GP is. Offered to extend sick not up to three weeks.28(4) 4.5 Mood changing easily today. Nervous about exam tomorrow. Not making as much progress with studying as hoped for. Frustrated, disillusioned, pessimistic about result. Can't seem to bring up needed
March
MTWTFSS
    1(5) Rather neutral for now. Bit anxious and nervous about exam in a few hours, bit tired, but also motivated to get things done. Though time is running as usual.
(6) Exam done. Might even be good enough to pass. Fingers crossed. ? On my way to my parents and cat for the weekend. ?
2(6) Spent a nice day out and about with my mum and uncle. Went window shopping, to a flea market, and a restaurant. Evening spent in front of tv with mulled wine.3(6) Went hiking with my mum and a friend of the family. Just 10 km, but up and down and climing over fallen trees had my legs quite tired afterwards. Enjoyed the peace and quiet.
4(5) Slightly stressed, frustrated and dissatisfied all day. Next exam's looming and I haven't done anything for it yet.5(5) Okay day and mood, though still stressed and unhappy with my lack of progress with studying.6(5) Loooong day. Work from 9-2pm, then appt, then rushed grocery shopping and running to therapy at 4pm. So damn tired all day, felt like I hadn't slept at all.7(5) Overwhelmed with everything in the morning (4), called in sick at work, tidied flat a bit, went to Pilates, grocery shopping. Headache, tired, procrastinated too much, but managed to renew internet8(4) Brand new bank holiday in Berlin (only!) today. Slept in, and feel a bit more rested, but didn't want to get up and start studying. Stressed. Friend wants to meet today, but I'm so behind schedule
(3) highly irritable, annoyed by everything, stressed, stressed, stressed. Thanks, pms.
(3) This emotion thing? Can't deal with it. This life thing? Can't handle it, either. Met with friend and had a somewhat good time until she let the bomb drop that she'll move away again after coming back
9(4) Just down, sad, empty, unmotivated. Can't see the point of anything.10(4) I can feel the hormonal veil lifting, things are becoming clearer & less grim again. Still unhappy about all the lost time & highly unmotivated to even start studying for tomorrow. What's the point?
11(3) Feeling a bit hollow inside and highly uncomfortable in my own skin and flat. Anxious about skipping exam. Resigned about life in general. I can't give myself what I want, but then what's the point.
(5) Mood has improved throughout the day. Tidied up flat a bit, washed hair, and went grocery shopping. Still escaping too much into fantasy worlds, but the oppressing darkness seems to be gone again.
12(5) Finally received the result of the exam last week and it's a far better grade than I'd have ever expected. Relieved and happy but also disappointed and angry at myself about lost opportunity yesterday13(3) Emotionally really not right.14(4) Headache. Since yesterday, this night, this morning. Should get up and eat something so I can take a painkiller.
(5) Feeling slightly better after therapy, there even has been a slight smile on my face. Feels nice to have left some of my worries with my therapist. Hopefully I can maintain this mindset for a while.
15(4) Somewhat promising start, got up, got dressed, went grocery shopping, and about to start studying, but now I can feel anger, bitterness, fatigue and exasperation creeping their way back up again.
(4) Can't stop thinking how nice it would be to just drop dead. Don't quite know how to leave this headspace to focus on what's „important“ right now. Studying and passing the exam next week.
16(3) Tired, angry, hurt, sad, embracing SI.
(5) Better after talking to my mum on the phone. Going shopping now. It's just procrastination but I need to get out of my flat for a while.
17(5) Just got up at 12.30pm! I don't know when I managed to sleep for so long the last time. Felt good, and I wanted to stay in bed all day, but I lost a lot of time for studying & still not in the mood.
18(5) Same as always. If only I'd have started studying earlier! Studied 8 hours and my head feels empty. I just hope it's enough to pass tomorrow's exam. ?19(7) Riding a wave of awesomeness. Saw a long-tailed tit. Awesome! Saw my crush. Awesome! Sun is (was) shining. Awesome! I'm walking a lot. Awesome! Full of adrenaline. Awesome!
(7) Still riding that high. Actually wanted to elaborate on how the exam was more difficult than expected and that I hope to pass, but when I came back from yoga my lecturer had already mailed me that I
20(6) Infatuation is still the best (and only) drug I know. Just not looking forward to the crash afterwards, but for now I'm enjoying feeling good for once. Been pondering asking him out for some coffee21(6) Good mood, a bit tired, but EXTREMELY nervous waiting for a reply from the guy. It doesn't feel good anymore, but as if I were to drop dead any minute from all the anticipation.22(6) Finally felt rested after sleeping, great weather, very warm and sunny, good mood, but procrastinated instead of working on essay. No reply from the guy yet. Very anxious when opening my inbox.23(6) Nice and sunny day full of nothing in particular. Still procrastinating and day dreaming far too often.24(5) 5.5 Nice walk with mum, could have enjoyed day far more if I weren't still procrastinating. I can actually feel it negatively affecting my mood which is a good observation, but not yet a cure.
25(5) Mood okay, but you know the drill by now. Procrastination. Interest in other people and hope for own future are waning again. Kind of disappointed by many things.26(5) Still procrastinating uni stuff, but at least got other stuff done. Back to Berlin.27(5) Work was okay, glad to be spending time with fav colleague again, but the weirdest therapy session so far. Felt very guilty and ashamed afterwards. She did nothing wrong, probably just my conscience.28(5) Bit irritable at work, but felt okay when going home, doing groceries, and preparing to start with the essay. Except that I didn't do anything, and just kept on procrastinating. Don't even know why.29(3) Spent whole day in flat doing nothing. Disgusted by myself and state of flat. Tiny spark of body positivity from a week ago gone again. Lonely, depressed, socially isolated, unmotivated, pitying self.30(6) 6 solely for the splendid weather and my 3,5 h walk. Still procrastinating, but better than spending another day in bed overthinking, right? Head felt a bit clearer and more positive today.31(4) Back to my mildly hormonally influenced(?) depressed baseline. Headache all night, bad sleep, just got up and am utterly unmotivated. Want someone to deep clean my flat, it's turning into a nightmare.
April
MTWTFSS
1(5) Finished cleaning flat I had started on Sunday, washed hair, took a shower, changed linen. Feels good being back to the status quo. Sunny day, but spent it inside except for short trip to Aldi.2(4) Went to bed feeling okay, and woke up to sunshine, fatigue and a deep sense of demotivation. Continued to work in Illustrator for a while, but now I just don't know what to do. Nothing appeals, not
(3) Spent last 6 hours on bed, reading, sleeping, waiting for time to pass. I should eat something, but cant be arsed. Feeling guilty for allowing myself to be dragged under instead of fighting against it
(2)
3(4) Highly irritable most of the day. Being at work was strenuous, but also a social component I was missing in the past days.4(6) Period finally started & I feel like a completely different person. Work was okay, therapy was much better this week, I took a walk in the sun & enjoyed the blossoms everywhere. Nice break from it all5(4) Cheered too soon? Watched a docu about animal rights last night and cried for the most part of it. Feeling miserable, bleak and hopeless again today. Grey sky, no motivation, back to last week. Sigh.
(3) I don't feel like I have a deep and meaningful relationship to anyone. And even when I think I do I'm just fooling myself. No idea how other people do it, but I seem to be incapable of it.
(2) Fuck fuck fuck
(3) I don't understand how people can form and keep meaningful relationships. What am I missing that I'm so bad at it.
6(3) My mum called and asked what's wrong because apparently I didn't sound good. As usually I deflected, but sometimes I wish I could just tell my parents that I'm not okay. Too scared of the reactions7(5) Mood a bit better. Came to a decision and feel a bit lighter, at least for now. Sat on balcony in sun and read, cleaned flat and body. Mind calmer.
(3) Time to accept defeat
8(4) Sh*t morning again. The usual cocktail of bad, irrational feelings and lack of motivation. Hard to get a grip on my thoughts, escaping into fictitious realms helped. Also dreamed of crush, eeh.
(5) Sloooooow start into day. Managed to get out of flat for a walk in the sun and a photo session with all the lovely magnolias. I think this helped to distract my brain for a while. Feeling calmer.
9(5) 700 days of misery! What a milestone. - Work was okay, but I was completely knackered afterwards and spent the rest of the day on my bed resting and sleeping. Sense of purposelessness after work.10(4) Didn't want to get up and slept in. Already skipped first lecture of the new semester. Headache. Probably last fine day of the week and I'm stuck inside my head and flat. No interest in anything.11(6) Got invited for a job interview next week; spontaneous boost of energy level and mood.
(5) Went to work, then to Pilates, which was very, very exhausting, but ultimately seems to have given me a kick into the right direction. Pleasantly aching body, okay mood and more positive thoughts.
12(4) After the joy comes the overthinking, and worry, and slight panic. Suddenly I think applying for a new job was a big mistake. Lots of nervous energy, hard to concentrate on anything. Took a while to
(5) 5.5 Managed to rearrange all dates for next week (totall forgot about the Easter break), ran some errands and felt better and calmer in the evening. Still no progress on uni stuff, though.
13(5) Up early, mood okay/good, nice breakfast, but suddenly felt dizzy and strange while shopping and slept for 3 hours after returning home. Enjoyed a walk in the afternoon despite the cold outside.14(5) Quite productive first half of the day, but loss of motivation in the afternoon. Overthinking, making problems out of thin air. Lonely and uneasy.
15(4) Bit bummed since last night, had a full schedule for today, but felt tired and overwhelmed after waking up and stayed in bed. Feeling sad, a bit lost and stuck. Old issues popping up again.
(4) I wonder what it feels like to be in love and be loved in return.
16(4) Tired and bored at work, fav colleague's last day, cancelled job interview, stayed on bed for hours after coming home, unable to talk to friends, keep isolating myself more and more.17(4) Sitting here, staring at my monitor, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Feel detached from myself in a way. No interest in anything, no one to talk to, everything seems meaningless.
(3) Basically, I'd very much like to just give up.
18(4) Very negative mindset, annoyed by most of my colleagues. Maybe it really is time for a new job. Or just not living anymore. Sounds even better.
(5) Calmer after yoga, arriving home and force cuddling cat, but I swear, one more minute around dumb people and I'd have lost it. Damn holidays.
19(6) The cat is the best known anti-depressant.20(5) Slow and lazy, love spending time with cat, sun is shining non-stop, BBQ for dinner, just family can't stop the arguing. Bed early.21(6) Keep having strange dreams which seem to urge me to resolve certain matters. Another slow and lazy day, very sunny and warm, baked sheep cupcakes, and again early to bed.
22(6) Alone at home most of today. Sunbathing, playing with cat, a few housechores, some tv, and all very relaxed. Don't want to think about going back to Berlin yet.23(6) Great weather, went shopping with mum, walked 12K, all in all quite calm and nice.24(5) Stayed one day longer than planned, because we had to drive to the vet with cat. BBQ for lunch, bus back to Berlin in the late afternoon.25(6) Busy day. Work, therapy, then the postponed job interview. Bit nervous, but relatively good mood all day. Got a lot done. Therapist told me I appear too distant, which was a surprise to me.26(5) Up early and in bus back to my parents for my dad's birthday tomorrow. Bit tired, but trying to enjoy the sun and the empty streets.27(5) Okay day. Up early and tired for most of today. Glad last-minute birthday present arrived on time. Worried about grandpa.28(5) Nothing to complain about, yet wishing for a little „more“. Another nice, quiet day.
29(4) A „good“ 4. Just some worrying and overthinking, feeling isolated and lonely, distanced from friends. Not a bad day per se, just a general sense of discontent.30(4) Didn't get the job.
May
MTWTFSS
  1(5) Walked some, went to a flea market, enjoyed bank holiday, but stayed out too long and was stressed with packing so I simply decided to stay at my parents, consequences be damned (for the moment).2(4) Still felt very uneasy most of day, hadn't heard back from therapist if I managed to cancel in time and a lot of worrying. Slightly better towards end of day after trip to grandpa and city.3(6) Mum's day off, went walking and shopping and had a nice if uneventful day together.4(5) Didn't achieve what I'd planned for the day; alone at home for the evening and cat acting weird and reminding me of other times when he was feeling sick; worried and not a very enjoyable alone time.5(5) Mum went hiking, I cleaned the house for 3,5 hours as a small thank you. Dead tired afterwards.
6(5) Got up too late, didn't do what I should have done, visti to grandpa, last minute packing stress, and finally on bus back to Berlin. Not that I wanted to, but needs must and all that jazz.7(4) First day of work in how long? Very irritable and agitated most of the time. Found out the place that rejected me posted a new job ad. Felt down and hurt. Spent rest of day in bed eating and reading.8(4) Woke up with headache; probably read too much on mobile yesterday. Completely uninspired and disoriented. Nothing appeals, skipping lecture, have therapy later so have to leave the house at one point.
(5) Therapy cancelled 5 min before I entered the feeling; she made a mistake. Used extra time for errants, mood good, headache finally eased after it started raining.
9(6) Good spirits, no headache! Work, Pilates, work again, then therapy. Exhausted afterwards. Therapist showed me cards with different emotions on them to pick from which made me wonder if my face is made10(5) Can't remember what I did that day... a lot of nothing and reading and being a recluse.11(6) Kind of a nice day. Looking after cat for a friend, bit of shopping, cooking, and making a mess of my flat.12(5) Visited cat again, bought ice cream, did laundry, called mum. Okay day, still not back to a 'normal' chat behaviour with friend.
13(4) Lacking everything again today. Don't know why to bother anymore. Not bad, but also not good. Nothing to complain about, but yet also not interested in my own life at all.
(3) emotional mess, everything makes me cry. Probably better than apathy, but it hurts.
14(4) Short night, very tired. Dreamt of crush (predictable) and disgusting public toilets (interesting dream interpretation). Overwhelmed with task of what to wear. Called in sick at work and feeling15(4) Backdated; very difficult therapy session. Let my mood get the better of me, but managed to salvage things in the end. A lot of errands for holiday preparations. Tired.16(6) LOTS to do. Work, pilates was cancelled, but I was invited to a very spontaneous job interview. Felt good and liked the people. Saving packing luggage always for the last minute. Far too late to bed.17(6) Off to Scotland. Slept 2 hours, up very early, met mum halfway in Munich, arrived at holiday flat at noon and fell asleep. Lovely walk in the late afternoon, dreamy landscapes and wonderful weather.18(6) Rainy and grey day spent in Glasgow visiting the Riverside Museum and shopping for souvenirs. ESC in the evening.19(5) Walked to neighbouring town, visited a castle. Tired all day, but had nice encounters with local flora and fauna.
20(6) Round trip to Helensburgh by foot. Walked 31 km, saw a lot of great things, but was totally destroyed after coming home. Was even a bit too much for my mum, but we did it.21No Reasons22No Reasons23No Reasons24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons
27No Reasons28No Reasons29No Reasons30No Reasons31No Reasons