1.6 avg
  670 days
  3555 hugs
  67 followers
January
MTWTFSS
  1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3(0) I'd like to die now. But I won't be able to. Can never get the hang of it. Shit that was a bad pun. The silver linings don't shine as brightly anymore. No one ever holds me. I hardly know what to do.4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10(0) Need help pandas. Seem to have forgotten how I ever updated this so regularly. Need to get my focus back. Any ideas?11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22(0) Grandpa's died. He was a sound editor and I'm super devastated he'll never get to see my finished film. I know he would have been so excited and proud.23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter31(0) Starting to feel numb. Positives, negatives. Worry I'm going to grow indifferent to both.
February
MTWTFSS
     1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
3(0) Finally told my mum I have PTSD. Not my choice. Instead of reacting with any sort of compassion she asked 'from what'. Didn't tell her. Couldn't. She didn't even come near me. Fuck her. Fuck this life
(0) I know I need to eat because I felt starving before but now I don't really feel the need to
(0) Keep stopping and starting crying. Have been trying to sing to so I might feel a bit better. Everything is so painful right now.
(0) Still haven't eaten. can't got downstairs I really wanted to make today a good day. But if I plan for positivty the world just gives me negativity. So tired. Slowly but steadily falling apart.
4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter5(0) Got a gig this Friday. Really nervous about it because I'm all over the place lately. Need to get back into a daily routine.6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
10(0) Been given two months to move out Not at all ready to live on my own No one I know is able to get a place with me Can't trust strangers Don't know what I'm going to do Feel like my life is in freefall11(0) I have no idea what I'm going to do
(0) Want to go back to my dreams
(0)
12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13(0) Got on the plane today to go to Ireland with friends. Had a panic attack when we landed, and I'm so unsettled I can't eat even though I haven't eaten in about 13 hours. I want to go home right now.14(0) I feel like I might kill myself properly this year. That would be sad, but it's how I feel.
(0) Went to the gig. Had to leave three songs in. Everything was too much. My friend walked me back to our air BnB and Im thankful but feel bad for taking them away from the gig Still haven't eaten really
15(0) Some small silver lining to all the recent bullshit in my life: at least I'm updating my moodpanda more frequently.
(1) Friends went out, I stayed back. Safer to stay in than to go out. Two panic attacks in two days. Shouldn't leave the country like this again. Too unsettled. Managed to get some lists done--
16(0) Flying back to the UK today. Looking forward to being able to eat properly and not having panic attacks every few hours. Been given two months to move house lol, can't even afford a place FML.
(0) Back in the country, on the train home now. Can't stop thinking about how I'm going to be homeless in less than two months. Don't know what to do, it's not safe for me to live on my own--
17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18(0) Hone now. Can eat properly again. Got less than two months to find a new place to live on benefits AND someone to live with because it's too dangerous for me to live on my own--19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20(0) Woke up too late. It's because my dreams are better than real life.21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter23(0) I don't want to end up alone.
(3) Feeling more positive about my film. The score is coming a long ok and I'm more happy with the edit than ever.
24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter26(1) Woke up much earlier than usual to get more film work done.27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28(6) Down in the south clearing out our Grandpa's house. It's always so great to see everyone and talk.
(1) Not happy that my dreams make me so sad. Wish they weren't better than real life all the time.
29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
March
MTWTFSS
      1(5) Service for my Grandpa was lovely today. Got to meet so many interesting people that worked with him over the years. Had a lovely chat with my cousin. But also some more bullshit has popped up at home
2(0) Found out dad broke into mum's house while we were away. When will my life of bullshit drama end?3(2) Driving home today, it's been great to see everyone. Don't want to face the bullshit I'll have to deal with when I'm back though.
(2) Home now. Head allovertheplace. I always miss my extended family intensely after seeing them. But then I'm glad to be home to get back to work on my projects (...)
4(3) Only just woke up (11am). Don't want to have to face living today. Feel a bit numb. Dreams are just too preferable to real life these days. I always want to go back to sleep.5(5) Pretty numb. Neither here-nor-there.6(0) More and more I hate myself.7(7) Recorded some new lyrics with the boys. Good to be back in a recording space.8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
9(0) Viewed a house today, I was completely overwhelmed. Even the person showing me round said. She was very nice about it though, still didn't really feel calm or anything. Went by so quickly. (...)10(1) Got drunk alone last night because I was so stressed. Feel numb to wanting to do anything.
(0) Absolutely miserable.
(0) Haven't been able to do anything productive today. Brain is on fire.
(1) Today's been a mess. Couldn't do one thing for longer than half an hour. Used to be that way all the time. I hope it doesn't stay Watched Parasite this evening, really enjoyed it, lots of inspiration.
11(5) Spent most of the morning in bed. With friends now, nice to see them. One has a lovely new girlfriend and I'm really happy for him. (...)12(0) I've done nothing today. Can't work on anything when I feel this low.13(0) So panicky today. Seeing my doctor about getting a note for government housing. Have to wade through all the shit in my head and get it out on paper with them, not looking forward to it.
(5) Doctor was awful. I hate it when they talk at me emotionlessly about my mental health. Glad it's over. Did music when I got home and feel a lot better now.
14(5) Went out today and got loads of footage for a deadline Monday. Turns out that deadline is now a month further away. But we had fun so that's not too annoying.15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
16(1) Being pulled down again...
(0) Too much weed today. Trying to escape. Done barely anything productive.
17(1) Will have to switch to universal credit if I want to move out. Woman over the phone recommended not to because of current affairs; UC might be made less of a priority to ESA in the near future (...)18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19(2) Did some good work today. Still don't feel so great though. My head's all over the place. Trying to keep going playing the piano and watching a film.20(4) Pretty numb today.21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22(0) Can't decide what to do. Just sat awake in bed not doing anything. Want everything to go away.
(4) Ended up having w in bed with a film. Then played a video game afterwards. Need to start working out again. But the mindless repetition really agitates me. wish I had a climbing wall at home
(0) I'm sick of being so lonely. But I've already said that too many times. My whole life feels like it's up in the air, and I'm jumping from place to place without a parachute. Without a safety line.
23(1) Feel really hollow today. Attention not holding, either.24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25(4) Went out for a food shop. Very surreal experience. Can't work out how this is all affecting my mental health. Feel a bit better today though. Likely from the time outside.26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28(0) Worryingly not hungry. Haven't eaten anything today. Probably because my mood is so low.
(0) Still haven't eaten. Really worried why I'm not hungry.
(0) I really feel awful today
29(2) Eating is much easier today so that's a relief. Attention is appalling currently.
30(0) Feel completely crap today. Feel like I'm gonna be alone forever.31(3) Not sure what the day will hold but it's not so terrible from the get-go this time.
(5) Feeling OK. Enjoying this respite.
April
MTWTFSS
  1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2(0) Staying awake so tomorrow doesn't come but I'm 1 hour 40 I to tomorrow anyway. I need someone in my life capable of pulling me back down to earth.
(0) Can't eat again. Very annoying when you're hungry. Feel like shit.
(2) Managed a meal. Feel a tad queasy now, probably because I eat too fast. Would like to be productive today.
(2) Managed a meal. Feel a tad queasy now, probably because I eat too fast. Would like to be productive today.
3To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter4(4) Bill Withers passed away. So that's crap. Don't feel too bad today. Maneagble perhaps.
(5) Having a fun time playing a video game with friends.
5(3) Small hour workout this morning. But mostly because I can't eat properly in the mornings anymore. It's a good way to pass the time until I can eat.
6(0) Severely unhappy today.
(0) Worked on the film for a tiny amount of time. I only produce my best work when feeling ok-to-happy so what's the point in working on it when I'm this miserable? Everything looks shit right now.
7(0) Haven't been able to eat in the mornings for weeks now. Head's giving me a real hard time today. Loneliness everpresent.
(2) Learning Piano Phase by Steve Reich. I find it very meditative and stress-relieving. Should really get some time in with it more often. Would like to finally learn Hungarian Rhapsody no.2 as well(...)
8(0) Woke up four hours late. Didn't want my dreams to end.
(3) Feeling a lot better than when I woke up. Days are all starting to blur together again.
9(3) Extremely up and down today. Head's not very focussed at all10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11(2) Fell apart yesterday. Not great today either12(5) Extreme ups and extreme downs today. This is not fun.
13(2) I want to feel something positive that's not clouded by doubt or fear.14No Reasons15(2) Did a good workout today then spent a couple of hours on a self-portrait. Don't like what I've drawn, it upsets me. Need to get back to work on the film tomorrow. Too much self-doubt right now though.16No Reasons17(0) Couldn't persuade myself to do a workout this morning. I doubt today will be much fun.18(0) Feel like I'm inevitably going to do something stupid. I can almost see the clock ticking down...19No Reasons
20No Reasons21(2) 22(4) So frantically between feeling good and bad.23(3) I actually feel hungry today in the morning. So that's good. I say morning but it's half eleven.
(1) Hungry but absolutely no appetite.
(3) Have managed to eat now.
(0) I really need a cuddle.
24(0) Cold sweats last night in bed. Feel agitated today.25(5) Neither here nor there. Feel quite present. Wondering what the future holds.
(5) I've had a few beers. Making me reflect on why I enjoy drugs so much. Doesn't matter if it's weed, alcohol, mdma, mushrooms; drugs get rid of some of the other personalities--
26(3) Getting real sick of not feeling hungry hours after waking up. Tidied my room though so there's some silver lining. Making food now.
(1) Couldn't finish all my food. Feel sick now. FFS.
27No Reasons28No Reasons29(2) Life is so up-in-the-air I don't know what to do most days Just trying to make it through this like everyone else but I really need a hug from a friend. Don't think I'm gonna do a workout today sadly.
(0) Almost 1pm. All I've managed to eat is one slice of toast and two mouthfuls of cereal just now. I'm hungry but can't eat any more. Did some work for about ten minutes this morning. Feel hollow.
(0) Drunk. I've been miserable today. I hope tomorrow is a little better.
30(0) Woke up thinking about something I'd rather not think about.
May
MTWTFSS
    1(0) Dreams were unpleasant. Cold sweats again.
(0) Stomach is grumbling but I have no appetite.
(3) Gaming with friends cheered me up.
2No Reasons3(4) Talking with friends definitely gives me a better perspective on my mental health. I need to do it more often. Today was good. Even though I woke late, I still managed to exercise
(5) Forced myself to stay in bed till 12pm, don't know why really. Feel ok today. Not very productive at all, just small bits of stuff here and there. Need to work up some courage to do some real work.
(6) Made chicken katsu from scratch and my family really liked it.
4(0) Always falling right back down after a good day. Crying in the shower. I don't want my brain like this anymore.
(0) Can't do anything without getting frustrated and angry. Have no way to calm down. Hate it when I'm like this. It's bullshit. Fuck everything.
(1) Played a game with friends. Helped a bit. Still my brain is so loud and any added noise is verging on agony.
5(0) Can't wait for lockdown to end then I can get some weed for sleep so I don't feel like I've been trapped in my mind for 9 hours with my eyes closed. My head is fucked up.
(0) My teeth fell out in my dream. Then I had an out of body experience inside the dream. Waking up too late because of these horrible dreams. Really would like them to stop. But they won't--
(6) Managed to turn the day around, do a work out and get some new songs written. Had a video call with friends which helped a bunch. It's difficult to force myself to do that kind of thing.
(0) Don't know what happened. Mood right back down again.
6(3) Overslept. Difficult to get out of bed lately.
(5) Very up-and-down today. Got some weird frantic energy in me. Not very enjoyable. Can't sit still.
(0) My head is an absolute mess.
7No Reasons8(0) Feel like absolute crap today.
(0) Haven't don't anything productive today. Hopefully tomorrow will be different.
(0) Very close to self-harming right now. Doing my best not to.
9(0) So agitated. No way to calm myself.
(0) Still not being productive. Still very unsettled.
(6) Spent some time learning how to do a front flip outside. Feel a lot better now I've achieved something.
10(6) Morning was great. Then it really fucking wasn't. Managed to turn it back around though. Wanted to get work done today but I'm not in the right frame of mind anymore, sadly.
(8) Baked.
(0) Up, then down, up, then down, up, then down...
11(2) So today has been all over the fucking place. Premier Pro kept crashing on me, then my monitor white screened me, and I have to get a replacement. But I've written a sick track that I'm really--12(3) Haphazard focus. Only just got hungry enough to make food. Feel like I complain too much.13(5) Retail therapy. Surprisingly relaxing opening a nice package. Got poetry open mic tonight over zoom. Looking forward to it.14No Reasons15(0) 16(0) Got to sleep in good time for once last night. Then had a night terror. I just can't ever fucking win, can I?
(0) Didn't appreciate how much that night terror messed with me. Feeling seriously fatigued at this point. Scared to go to sleep tonight, too. Forever in need of a hug.
17(4) Today seems better. Cried in the shower, but I didn't have another night terror.
(2) Need to get back to work with my film but I haven't got much drive to do so. Keep coming up with excuses. Not happy with myself. Feel like I'm just gonna end up letting everyone down.
18(0) Eyes are sore today. Likely not nearly enough sleep. Lay on the floor for a while because I didn't know what else to do. Feeling very fragile.19(0) Too drunk. Been drunk for so many nights just to get some sleep. Feeling very lonely. Feeling very unwanted Keep making poor dicisions Story of my life. I hope everyone else is feeling a little better
(0) Massive headache now I've woken up. Sick of updating this with such a low score every day.
(0) Can't do it can't hack it just can't. Always running away. Nearly always feeling like shit. I just need someone to hold me but that can't happen. Even after lockdown that's not going to happen. Alone.
20(0) Went to bed in good time last night because I was yawning so much. Ended up getting up about 10 times until about 4am. It's almost 11am now, feel like I haven't slept at all. Just want to sleep normal
(5) Had food in the garden while watching the chickens. Getting some sunlight has definitely helped. Feeling ok now.
(6) Need to learn to take the days as they come. If I have a good day, like today, that's great. But if the next day isn't so great, that's ok. I just need to remember that more on the bad days.
(8) Finally managed a front somersault without a mat on grass. Feeling great.
21(6) Stayed up till 3am keeping company with my friend who's doing a Nightshift he's well overqualified for. Feelt nice to do that for him and he definitely appreciated it. --
(5) I'm not being productive at all. But that's ok.
22(5) Feeling ok today. Still waiting on my productivity to make a comeback though.
(5) Hurt my foot practising my backflips earlier. Really quite sore now. Still feeling OK though. Did a small amount of work on some music, too.
23(3) Not feeling too great today. Foot hurts. Bad dreams.
(0) Feeling like shit now. Trying to work on stuff but it's not happening.
(0) Feeling really hollow. Trying to remind myself this is temporary. Not really working.
24(2) Hollow again. Foot feels better though. So there's something positive.
(3) Managed to do some music work. More pressing things to be working on but I haven't got the drive back yet.
(2) Had a panic attack earlier. Feel pretty tired now.
(0) Too easy to remember the past and how it's hurt me. Too many good things are now gone. So many regrets. So many times others have hurt me. Ffs
25(0) Feeling horrifically lonely today.
(1) Days are messy, hectic, long, and too short. Struggling with my focus. Don't know when it'll return.
(0) Why does nostalgia hurt so much?
26(5) Rescued a starling that was stuck in the garage. Feeling quite numb today. Messed up dreams yet again. To be expected I guess.27(0) My head is a terrible place to be the majority of the time and I am beyond sick of it.
(6) Getting excited for the crew dragon launch.
28(4) Stayed up late again to talk to my friend on his night shift. Bit of a headache now and quite tired.29(5) Feeling tired but ok
(0) Completely forgot to update after I had a panic attack yesterday. So I'm updating it now. It sucked, didn't know where it came from. Beginning to think I get panic attacks from too much --
30(5) Had a panic attack in the shower today. Was up and half 10 and had food before 12 though, so that's good. Feeling ok31(5) Another panic attack today, but I've done some music work so that's a good start.
(5) Feel pretty numb. But I managed to start and finish a song in the space of an hour so that's pretty good. Woke up a bit too late.
(6) Great that the astronauts Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley have made it to the ISS successfully. Amazing day for space flight history.
June
MTWTFSS
1(5) Bad dreams. Slept well though.2(0) Watched three people die in my dreams because of a mistake I made. Woke up too late. Now stuck thinking about how miserable I'm gonna be when I have to move.
(0) Not great.
3(0) Not great today.4(0) 5(0) Woke up thinking about an ex. Now I really miss them. Great job, brain. As if I didn't already feel lonely enough.6No Reasons7(0) My dreams are consistently better than real life.
8(0) Waking up is lame.
(2) Just about managed to start work on a new song in the last hour. So not a complete waste of a day.
9(1) Not great today. Dreams are fun. Life is less so. Managing to work on music in some small capacity so that's good.
(3) Playing video games with a friend has cheered me up a bit. Can't shake the misery of moving though. Just everpresent underneath everything else I'm dealing with.
10(0) Today doesn't feel very real.11(0) Think I'm moving into my new place on Monday. But I can't get anyone in to put in a carpet for who knows how long. Not looking forward to it.
(2) Feel like yesterday didn't happen.
12(0) Feel like the energy is being sucked right out of me. Worryingly numb.13(0) Was meant to be called yesterday about moving on Monday. No one called. No one picking up today. Just my luck.14(0) Meant to be moving tomorrow but don't actually know if I can get into the property. This is not fun.
(0) Hate how up-in-the-air everything feels
15(1) Now can't get into my new place till Wednesday. Having to stay at dad's until then.16(5) Had a good time chatting with my sister/brother and dad tonight. Don't see enough of them.
(5)
(5) Had to open loads of boxes because I couldn't remember which one had my passport in it. Had loads of small panic attacks but I'm fine now I've found it
17(0) So there's no gas or electricity in my new place hahaha. Don't understand how it hasn't already been taken care of, when it's illegal to sign someone over to a property without gas or electric. FML.18No Reasons19No Reasons20(4) Got electricity now. Gas is being turned on Monday, hopefully. Went to the park with some friends today for some exercise. Really nice weather, good to get some sunlight.--21No Reasons
22(5) Hopefully getting the gas turned on today. Just at a friend's house now. We were meant to go to the park for some exercise but it's raining a lot. So we're watching video game speedruns instead.23(1) Trying to sort out my council tax today and it's hurting my head.24No Reasons25No Reasons26No Reasons27No Reasons28No Reasons
29No Reasons30No Reasons