4.1 avg
  180 days
  1182 hugs
  32 followers
January
MTWTFSS
 1(2) Looking back at this year I started at such a high, and ended so low. Met some wonderful people that have helped me in ways they don't know. Going to start counseling in a month hopefully that helps.
(1) It is 12:20AM Should be exhausted but I am wide awake knowing in 27 days I will need to face my problems, It has been nice to get away from the constant 'reminders' that I am lazy. When I have no will
2(4) I am making my self feel bad, that I feel soooo good. Why do we do these things? (asked rhetorically)3(2) Why can I not accept that I am happy? Why do I need to make my self feel like crap everytime I feel remotely happy?4(4) Spent time with my uncle and cousin at the farm, was fun but felt weird without the rest of the family, was nice to get away to forget about things for a while, but still felt down.5(5) 6(5) Drove to Ottawa today withy fully for a trip, feel pretty ok but still down.
7(6) Been the first somewhat decent day in a while. Still feeling the depression at work, thinking I might go on antidepressants. But will talk to my doc when I get back to nz to see what is the best to do8(4) Feeling so weird, I am back at the place where a lot of this started (and that I ran away from), yet I feel a lot better here than the place I went to. Hopefully, when I go back things don't go bad.
(3) almost midnight, having some thoughts I would rather not have. But I always remember there are people who I care for and they keep me going, can't wait till I get some help figuring this out.
9(5) Today was ok, Did not really do anything. Really starting to hit me how much my mom affected me. But I am not really regretting my move anymore. My results come out in about a week will be interesting10(6) Got the first good sleep in a really long time. I think I am helping my dad put up some lighting today, and probably some art later this week, has been nice to do stuff around the house.
(5) I am feeling a lot better, but I don't like it (as I know what it means). I am surprised my dad has not made more comments about me having a gf, I guess replying 'witch one' whenever asked worked.
(4) Just had a random panic attack, do not know why just stopped breathing and my heart was racing
(3) another midnight night, can't get this one person off my mind. They are in a way the cause of a lot of this (they brought it to my attention so it is not them), but they have been extremely supportive
11(3) Wondering what I am doing with my life. ~17 more days until I am back home. Being in Canada has answered a lot of questions however made me ask a lot more. Can't wait until I get back to find answers.12(5) Went to see Mary Poppins Returns today, was a great movie. Still feeling down every day, but has been nice to not feel like crud. Was reminded that results come out on Monday. not exited13(6) Have been doing work for my dad all day, been nice to get my mind off of things, have not cut in almost a month, but other thought have come up, but am overall fine.
(4) Started worrying about results coming out. Starting to think I might fail, and there is probably nothing I can do as I only found out (never realised) I was depressed until a month after exams.
(2) Another midnight night. So many things running through my mind. about 2 more weeks until I am back home. There is so much I want to talk to a friend about, hopefully, I can when I get back.
14(3) It feels like every emotion has run through me in the past 5 min.
(1) I feel like I am experiencing every single emotion at the same time. Also, my mind feels like it is racing that every thought seems to pass by quicker then I can realise what I am thinking.
(2) Another midnight. got to stop doing this to myself
15(4) Got my results today, did worse then I thought I did, can see where I was stressed, and lines up with sertian things like dealing with stuff from one class, and when my mom made me feel like crap.
(3) Another Midnight... think/know I need to stop focusing on the bad and what I lack in my life and need to focus on the good and what I have,
16(5)
(4) I don't know anymore. can't stop thinking about this friend. Getting sick and tired of all this stuff, only a couple more weeks before I get professional help.
17(6) Going to a worksite with my dad for an inspection of the site. will be neat to see what my dad does on site. Managed to go to sleep before midnight so I am feeling optimistic.
(3) Coming back from working with my dad, He started talking about me moving to New Zeland. He said how he felt was similar to losing a child. and comments were made about all the bad things my mom has
(3) Feeling like most of my desitions have been wrong. Trying to focus on the positives outcomes of these desitions, but can't help wanting to curl up in a ball for a really long time.
(2) Another midnight... I really should try sleep
18(3) So many feelings, so much I want to say, so much I am scared to say (due to past experiences), and so much I can not say.
(2) Anxiety attacks are getting more frequent. Feels like I am losing all my progress I have made in the past 2 years, but think it is just because I buried a lot that has started surfacing again.
(1) Another midnight really got to stop doing this to my self.
19(3) I haven't really known for the past few days.
(1) It looks like many of us (if not all), have had passed experiences that have been difficult for us to look back upon. Personally looking back made things worse as I realized that I was lying to my
(1) Up until Midnight again, worrying about things that are probably fine.
20(3) Woke up after a nice long sleep (yay), had breakfast, then had a panic attack. What a way to start the day.
(4) Went to 'The Show That Goes Wrong' today, was extremely funny. But still can't stop thinking about one of my friends, who I have not heard from in a while and I am one to think the worst.
(0) Another Midnight. Knife by my side (which has become common now) contemplating my existence. Feeling like $h*t as it feels like I am back where I was 3 years ago. I thought I was making really good
21(4) Been a fairly ok day, feel exhausted even tho I have not done much. Hopefully, I sleep well tonight.
(2) my dad has started making more and more comments trying to guilt trip me about moving to NZ. Also, everything is feeling like a personal attack (I know it is not).
(2) Everything is just piling on today, my mom is now messing me wondering if I am going back. Like I recked my relationship with my dad to move, and she is wondering if I want to stay with him?
22(4) Woke up after a decent night sleep, but am still tired and can't help the feeling that both parents think I am a disgrace.
(4) 6 more days until I head home, can't wait till I see some of my friends.
(2) Just feeling down, like I have done something wrong with my life, thoughts of ending all this bull have been coming more frequently.
(1) Another midnight, it seems like this is a regular thing now, this time thinking I am missing something in my life
23(5) Feeling pretty ok which is a nice change. Haven't heard back about a job, but lining up some others for when I get home. Can't wait to go home.
(4) Why am I always disappointed when I am really optimistic.
24(5) Snowing now looks beautiful, am going to try to get a pic of me in shorts and a T to show all the people at home the +13 low they think is cold is nice. And why I can handle it.
(4) Just realised I have 4 more days with my dad. Last week I was ready to go home, I still am but it seemed like such a short trip. But I am exited to get home and start the new chapter in my life.
(5) Been busy today, Sis going home tomorrow (she needs to go earlier due to exams). I only have 4 more days, excited to get home and start work.
25(5) 3 more days, am going to go o the doc when I get back to start therapy, even though I don't feel like it, I know it is the best thing to do right now.
(4) Sis went home today, feels weird being at my dads without her, feels like I have gon back in time (emotionally as well).
(2) I am ready for all of this to be done, the no sleep, the lack of energy, the lack of will to do anything, and the constant lack of happiness.
26(5) Second last full day in Canada, sad as I will miss my dad, happy to get home and start work, and hopefully see the one person who can make me feel good about myself.
(3) Feel exhausted, going to try contact one of my friends who I have not heard from in almost a month. Hopefully, we get together when I get back to catch up.
(5) Happy that I was talking to the only person who really makes me feel good about myself. Still finding it hard to sleep. Handed in my application to a school today. Hopefully, I get the position.
27(5) Last full day with my dad, going to miss him. Not exited for the long journey ahead of me. But exited to go home.
(4) Dad just spent the last 2is hours telling me about some stuff about choosing a uni, was useful. But he had to make comments about my mom. Cant wait until I go to uni so I don't have to be around this
(4) Dad just spent the last 2is hours telling me about some stuff about choosing a uni, was useful. But he had to make comments about my mom. Cant wait until I go to uni so I don't have to be around this
(2) Feeling sick, feels like both my mom and dad have lied to me about the other, mabey this it the root of my problems. mabey not.
28(5) Feeling sad and excited. Sad that I need to say good bye to my dad but exited to get back, see my friends, continue my life, and mabey have the courage to ask the girl I like out.
(5) Siting at the airport waiting for my flight was in the business class lounge but went down for boarding, now flight is delayed. Soo annoying.
(5) One flight down, two left. Going to be interesting when I get home because I think there will be a student who will be living with us, and see how my mom acts.
29(3) been travelling for ~24 hours, only to miss my last flight, due to a late incoming, now I need to wait for at least another 3 hours before getting on a flight (I am on standby)or then it will be 2
(4) Starting to realise why I was feeling so bad before I want on vacation. Can really only be described by an example. Got home after close to 36 hours of travelling (8 of witch wer in Auckland airport
(0) See previous update for a really long explanation of why.
30(4) Had one of the best sleeps last night (probably because I was exhausted from travelling) still going to try go back to sleep.
(5) been a fairly nice day, went into town to deal with some banking, then went to my old school to help set some computer up. Will be in tomorrow (being paid this time woop woop) helping international
31(4) Going to have a busy day today, helping my old school get new students set up. And running sound for a funeral. Need to book in with the doc but just keep delaying it will try book for tomorrow.
(3) It is forking hot, and waiting around for someone to call me back, so I can sort out something for a job I have on Saturday. Hope they call me bac soon so I can get it out of the way today.
(3) My mom is so quick to anger, depending on what is happening she cooles down as she fully realising what she is saying (like telling me to contact a potential employer 3 business days after I
February
MTWTFSS
    1(8) I am on a high that will not las the day, the principal of my old school just contacted me, asking if I would like to go in for an interview for this position I know nothing about.
(6) Just got back from the interview, got offered the job. Now need to deiced if I am going to take it.
(7) Accepted the job, start Monday, exited as that should take my mom of my back. Nervous as I will be a teacher aid at a school I was a student at last year. Going to be weird to start.
2(5) Had a really long conversation with one of my friends last night, opened up to what I was feeling and why I don't like social events. She was trying to explain understanding, but it was not the same.
(4) Just finnished my second funeral, they suck so much (FYI no one I knew, just helping run).
(4) Just finnished my second funeral, they suck so much (FYI no one I knew, just helping run).
(5) Had a talk with my mom, don't know how to feel about it, there was something that made me feel better about this year like she says I can have more independence but she still expects stuff to be done
3(4) I am at that point where I feel ok on my own, but I know I am not, I know I am burying everything again, I know I need to go get help, but I couldn't be bothered. And now my schedule has filled up
(2) I am so pissed with my mom right now, she cleaned up my room when I was away, asked her if she threw anything away she said no, not I am looking for something and found out she tossed a bunch of stuff
(3) Start my job tomorrow, vervous af luckily it is a light day and should be easy, except that it feels light my throat is swollen so I can't really speak, eat or drink at that is all sore.
4(4) Feeling slightly better today then I was yesterday, still extremely nervous. Luckily I know by bosses and they know I will be nervous and they have more belief in me then I do myself.
(4) The first day at the job, frick things move fast around a school, apparently, I am being assigned hours for a roll I no longer play. I am fine with that as I like that work, however I will need to see
(1) I don't know what I am fighting for any more, the one of the people that kept me going is now part of the problem.
(0) Think I am suicidal again, it's different tho, I don't like it, i sore the first time like this, I would never come back. At least this time I know I need help and that I can't deal with it on my own.
5(4) Feeling better after some sleep, need to be strong at work as I deal with kids who will push the boundaries if they think you are soft.
(4) Feeling better after some sleep, need to be strong at work as I deal with kids who will push the boundaries if they think you are soft.
(5) Have tomorrow off, really nice, hopefully some more of the stuff I ordered comes so I can start putting stuff together for a project I am working on.
(5) Booked an appointment with my gp, thought if I would not do it today, I would never do it. And the time the best suits me would probably be in available tomorrow. Starting to push the bolder away.
(2) What is sleep any more, It feels like I can never fall asleep. and what are thoughts and emotions, It feels like I am blocking them out, but still feeling the full force, just dont know why.
(2) What is sleep any more, It feels like I can never fall asleep. and what are thoughts and emotions, It feels like I am blocking them out, but still feeling the full force,
6(5) Ground to try work on a project today for one of my friends, hopefully it I get some of it done I will feel better. They want it in two months so I need to get working.
(3) Found out yesterday that my gran is back in the hospital (with back problems), now have been told that she needs surgery again and that she is high risk, because of a lot of thing, on top of that
(3) Nothing I do makes my mom happy, even when I do what she asks, it is allays not enough.
7(5) Had a day off work yesterday, was really nice to be productive when I am not working for a change, to bad most of my hobby require a lot of waiting so it seems like I am not as productive as I could
(5) It is amazing how virtual hugs from people I don't know help, only if they could solve the world problems.
(7) Beautiful day. Feeling better thought I am actually mildly happy.
(5) Sis comes up tomorrow, going to be nice to see her. And take care of my mom as she has eye surgery Monday. And mabey she can also talk some sense into mom. Going to see the doc on Tuesday. And hope
8(4) Don't want to get up this morning, Just want to sleep. Have my first real job interview today (I got other jobs based on my reputation, and without applying) really nervous.
(3) It sport of just hit me how there is a big chance my gran may die during her opp, and if she does there is a chance she might not be the same, but there is that chance that she will live and be fine
(3) It sport of just hit me how there is a big chance my gran may die during her opp, and if she does there is a chance she might not be the same, but there is that chance that she will live and be fine
(3) Friday!!!! Made some progress on a huge project I am working on, however, even though this was really important, I still feel down as I just remember I have a lot more to do.
9(4) It feels like I can't get out of this rut, probably because I left it without really leaving it. Have this friend that I really like and who I can talk to, however they are fairly hard to get ahold of
(3) My mom thins se can read everyone perfectly, and she knows a lot about why people act the way they do and mental health, she is a teacher so I think that is where it comes from, but she can not see
10(5) Went to a new church today, was really nice so am going to continue going there, offered my help with the sound will be nice to do.
(3) https://youtu.be/1ygd5zD_Ygc?t=92 This is engraved in my mind, I know it is true yet I still don't believe it.
(1) Going to get help the day after tomorrow, this has taken way to long, yet I don't want to go. But I am, I know I need to go and get better. I don't want to go as I am afraid of what will come up.
11(2) Just a long long day, rainy and not feeling great.
(1) Really annoyed right now, go to the doc tomorrow, hopefully, things start to get sorted.
12(3) Have an appointment in 3 hours, don't want to go but am going to as I know it is the best to do, told this girl I like her but don't hear much from them (thin it might be their anxiety)
(3) Have an appointment in 3 hours, don't want to go but am going to as I know it is the best to do, told this girl I like her but don't hear much from them (thin it might be their anxiety)
(5) Appointment went well, will be put on the list for counselling at the start of May (the docs only get a certain amount of free referrals a month) so pretty optimistic.
13(5) Last night was rough, could not fall asleep, not I am oddly calm. Was getting some more parts for a project I am working on and realising it is going to be about double the price I was thinking
(1) Just got rejected, don't really feel it now, but I know I will in a bit.
(0) Ahhhhhhhh, I want to talk to someone however one person I would talk to seems like they don't want to be a part of my life, and the other I can't as they said they feel horrible when people talk to
14(3) Feeling better from last night, did something I promised myself I would never do again, so feeling really bad I broke that. Hopefully work takes my mind off things.
(2) Thought it was going to be a good day, then someone reminded me that it was Valentines, then could not stop thinking I was rejected yesterday, I really liked this person, and now i am not sure if we
(0) Why is valantines day I thing, it only makes the happy feel better for a day, and the sad feel worse.
15(3) 16(1) been a rough week, didn't realise how much I cared for S. Mom is getting annoyed with me and the way I am acting. I know I haven't been that great. Things my mom is saying and doing are really getting17(2) Gran has back surgery tomorrow, there is a relatively high chance she might die. Mom has noticed a change in my mood this past week however has identified it as being overly grumpy.
18(3) 19(4) Gran was in surgery for 5h think she is doing well but haven't been told, might be to soon to tell.
(5) Urg, just got home. Realised I left my key at home, so locked out, was waiting outside and thought “wonder if I should jump the fence”. The issue is that I am a back propert and to get to my fence
20(5) Grans ok, surgery seemed to work.21(2) Job ends at the end of next week, happy as it is super boring however it is a source of money. Hopefully I get a job at the place I want.
(3) Went with a driving lesson with my mom, lots of shouting at me. Think she is tired as she gets like this when she is tired. Think it is really bad that I have gotten used to just taking it.
22(4) Yesterday ended poorly, starting to realise why I get so bugged with my mom (like her treating me like one of her students). Interested to start diving into all of this with a srink but I may not like
(1) Still want to end it all but I have lasted to long to do it now, besides only a couple of weeks till I get help.
23(3) 24(5)
25(5) Our friend John T has set up a list of pandas emails, if you want to contact others outside of mp you can find emails here and you are welcome to add your own. https://goo.gl/Ufb286
(3) Get put on the list to se a shrink on Friday. Can't wait but extremely nervous for what comes up.
(1) Just want it all to stop, tired of things not getting better. Tired of the way my mom speaks to me. Tired of living but not willing to kms.
26(4) I hate nights.27(2) Job ends on Friday (fixed term), mom is going to be on my back about getting a job. Today she makes a comment about noticing a kid was going through a tough time, but she still hasn't picked up on me.28(5) Ok day was exhausted from being outside all day yesterday.Want to message S and ask where we stand now,but not sure if I want the answer, then is it better to know where we stand rather then wondering
(5) Just messaged S asking were were we stand. Anxiety through the roof but settling my self as I am trusting in the lord knowing he will help me through anything that comes my way.
March
MTWTFSS
    1(5) Well S replied, nothing really good or really bad, she said her family is going through a lot and she needs time to work things out. I wish I could be there more for her now, but she knows I am here.
(3) Really tired, feels like my body is shutting down, otherwise, everything is going alright, I should have been put on the list to see a shrink today and I still have a job opportunity that I would like
2(4) How's everyone?3(3) just a long bummy day
4(5) Took pritty much all day to upgrade a website I manage, a lot of re trying and a lot of things breaking. But got it done, now just some config left. I am glad I got it done.5(4) I don't know, I know there is something better but I don't know when that will come. I do feel a bit more stabilised after the stuff with S. Still don't know what is happening with her, but stopped6(4) Seems like everyone is feeling a bit down.
(3) Every day seems like I have procrastinated with kn myself, but also one more day I have fought to get better. But I am getting tired and that is what scares me, what happens when I loose my fight.
7(7) got to do this now as I know the feeling will not last, I am so happy as I just fixed something that I have been trying to fix for the past couple of weeks (most of that was waiting for parts. yay
(3) Have got to stop my anxiety getting in the way on me hanging out with friends. Just so hard as the thought makes my heart race.
(3) Have got to stop my anxiety getting in the way on me hanging out with friends. Just so hard as the thought makes my heart race.
8(4) been working on a huge project, but every time I finish something I realise either I missed something, made an error, or I realize there is a lot more to do.9(2) I am so done, my mom was watering in the front with our dog when our dog decides to walk off (she was just around the corner), I ask my mom if she can come help me find holly (or dog), and my mom
(5) Today ended decently, Had a bunch of Vietnamese students over for dinner. Got a bit of work done. Can't wait for the stuff I ordered to come so I can finish the project I am working on.
10(4) Tired of the way my mom treats me, se goes from 0-1000 in 0.3 seconds. Today we were driving and she has always told me never wory about people behind you, just focus on the road and being safe.
(2) First time in a while I have been up till midnight, feels really bad especially as i was extremely tired this morning (to the point I was almost falling a sleep standing).
11(6) Dont feel like a 6 but am not <=5, Been a decent day, got some stuff done but still feeling down. Have realised I have actually had depression for the last ~5 years.
(4) Thinking about both S and A now, S as I have no heard from her in a while and I don't know what to do. A s I don't want to reck our relationship and I do not know if I should talk to her about this.
(4) Thinking about both S and A now, S as I have no heard from her in a while and I don't know what to do. A s I don't want to reck our relationship and I do not know if I should talk to her about this.
12(6) Had a nice time with A today, got a call from my new counsellor and have an appointment next week.
(3) Over whelming mix of emotions but don't know what's causing it.
13(3) I feel like I am on the edge, have two options, step back or jump. I am teetering constantly, somedays I am leaning over the edge, somedays I am about to take a step back.14(3) why are parents like 'if I cook dinner and make a mess I expect you to clean it up, but if you cook I also expect you to clean up'? Also I am working on a project and I messed up but it only cost
(4) Only good thing about this whole thing is I am developing a think emotional skin and I don't really feel physical pain anymore.
15(3) Mom keeps you interrupting me for things that can wait 5 min. Think I am just going to stop talking when she does this. She probably will not notice.16(5) Good morning. Have YO this morning should be fun. S is on my mind again and just at the point where I thought I was over her. Don't know what to do, forget or talk and possibly make things worse.
(1) After cooling of a bit I feel like I can say some stuff without setting my self off. Today was a bad day. Started fine had a fun time at YO then got home and my mom took my laptops away bacause I
17(3) Told my mom what was going on today. Regretting it as even tho she has said 'I am not a doctor so I can't say' she has gone into full 'parent-doctor' mode. Annoying as it is this effects your mood and
18(5) Mom is being annoying in a good way now (but still annoying). She is trying to help me but in a 'forcing' way. Saw my shrink today just happens that his name is Tim. Gave me some things to try.19(6) Been a fairly good day, went to jazz band witch was fun. Mom is still being “I am going to help cure your depression” witch it really anoying as she is sayin all these things with out know the cause.20(5) Had an ok day, nothing really happened, found out my mom has told 2 people about my depression, not sure how happy I am about that and especially as I don't know one of them.21(2) Just a boring bad day. I get my mom is trying to help and I don't want to say anything as it will probably be met with 'You should be grateful you have a mother who cares enough to do this'22(4) Ok day just feel down.23(5) ok day noting really happening, except me forgetting to say high to you lovely people24(5) getting on my churches sound team witch will be fun, mom set a cutting board on fire then proceded to blame me without blaming me.
25(6) Had a good counselling session today. Been told I have been making good progress. Am going to try to look more on the positive side of things. Also had someone over who is helping with a project.26(6) Pretty good day, spent more time at my old school then I was expecting, and worked on one of my projects and think I finally found the last issue. Just need to wait for a part to come.27(5) Ok day but finding out the people who know about my depression has just about doubled from who I told
(4) Well dinner was a nightmare, right when we sat down she asked how I was feeling, and I was trying to think of a way to say I did not want to talk with her, of course she immediately goes to silent
(1) Feeling the worst I have been for a while, feels like every time I start feeling good something pulls me down. Wondering why live through this cycle but tell my self there is a lot to live for.
28(6) Good morning wonderful people, nice new day hope it stays that way.
(7) Pretty Good day, finished one of my projects which was fixing a light, so happy as it is the first light I have fixed and I have proven to myself I can diagnose and repair circuitry.
29(7) Been a good day, Got a response back from one of my job applications a no (I expected this) but they have another position that they want to meet me for so that is on monday.30(5) Don't k is why, but just feeling extremely anxious. Been almost a month since I heard from S. Don't know if I should message her or just leave it.31(6) Just an ok day
(5) Messaged S to see how she is doing, neveous because of our last messages, have an “interview” tomorrow for a possible job, nervous but optimistic about that.
April
MTWTFSS
1(7) Feeling both optimistic and anxious, have an interview in just under 2 hours, but optimistic as why would they ask me to go in for a job I did not apply for? Also have a long day of troubleshooting.
(4) So tired that I was almost cat napping earlier but now it is time to seep it eludes me.
2(5) Alright day, got some stuff so I can continue a project I am working on, another project is being launched tomorrow. Really want the job i had the interview for.
(5) Alright day, got some stuff so I can continue a project I am working on, another project is being launched tomorrow. Really want the job i had the interview for.
(3) Feeling really down, still no word from S, still no word from potential employer, feels like both sides of the family are trying to get me against the other whist still “wanting” me to have a
3(5) Just a long day and just feeling sluggish now4(5) Ok day, got a lot done in a game (6h if work). Tomorrow should work on another project.5(5) 6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7(4) Keep forgetting to do this. Been a bad week mentally, I know there is a way to get out of this slump but seems like I can't find it.
8(6) Had a good day, had Counciling and went over some stuff that I needed to hear.9(5) Feels like I am back to “normal” but I know “normal” is still not good
(5) Feels like I am back to “normal” but I know “normal” is still not good
10(5) Ok a lot is bugging me, mom is in that “I do all the work, you are at home you do all the work at home” mode. I get that I am home and can do it but just the way she says stuff under her breath pisses
(3) Sorry if this sets you off. Why am I calmer when I have something to harm my self? I know what I could do but yet when that option is closer to me, I feel more relaxed. I just don't get it.
11(3) Just messaged S still see the last one is sitting on sent. Don't know what to do if she dost respond. Almost seems like she has removed Facebook and has gone off the grid.
(5) Ok day, have an interview Monday, helping at my old school tomorrow, and Saturday have a course, then Sunday am “in charge” of setting up all the sound for church got a busy couple of days.
12(7) Keep forgetting to say hi to you, had a really good day filmed that last haka comp for my old principal, was so much fun. Got to use a really nice camera.
(7) Keep forgetting to say hi to you, had a really good day filmed that last haka comp for my old principal, was so much fun. Got to use a really nice camera.
13(4) How can my mom justify speaking to me is such a way with “well you live here to”.
(4) How can my mom justify speaking to me is such a way with “well you live here to”.
(5) Ok end to the day, had an ok course. Early morning tomorrow should be interesting with my mom.
14(3) Why is the one person who can make me feel calm/happy not talking to me? Why can I get them off my mind, Guess they were more important to me then I thought.
15(5) Had an ok day, interview went well mom still speaking to me like shit.16(5) Ok, possibly going to take a break reading all your wonderful peoples posts. Mom still talks to me in a not so nice way (don't know the words) even for the simple things.17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20(5) Keep forgetting to say hi to you all, been an ok couple of days, keep bringing things up to my mom, she keeps (for lack of another word) deflecting things off her.
(3) Going to post 2 as don't feel like I can merge them. Still see the massage I sent to S is on sent. Don't know what to do, don't know how to move on.
(6) Heard something really modivating, that my faith is not in nothing. I have always thought there is some sort of god. But have doubted my religion. Still wonder why god is putting me through this but
21(5) had a decent day, nothing special, nothing horrible
22(6) First day where I did not really feel my depression. But feeling it now at night23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25(4) Everything I say to my mom about how she treats me just comes back to me. Today she asked me to help fold washing in a really snarky way, asked her to speak to me like a person and she said,26(5) Ok drove back from Hamilton after visiting my grab who is in hospital after a back op. She is getting better but not sure if she will manage being on her own again.27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28(6) Ok day. Was really sore in the morning. Still sore but not badly. Should be going in tomorrow to sign a contract with my new work.
29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
May
MTWTFSS
  1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2(4) Been a while, Started a new job yesterday, lots of work and on my feet for most of it but I enjoy it and It can take me places. Mom is still going from 0-10 really quickly. She asked me why I got3(5) Don't know any way, Highs are getting higher for longer but lows are feeling lower.
(5) Don't know any way, Highs are getting higher for longer but lows are feeling lower.
4(5) Can't stop thinking about S, been over 3 months since I last heard from here and dont think there has been a day without thinking bout her. Realising how much s meant to me how much s helped and hurt.5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
6(5) Feeling better, but does not feel like a huge amount of progress as I was so low, Still trying to work things out, and it feels like the more I get better the harder the battles are.7To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter8(5) Feels really bad when I argue with my mom now (Guess that is good?). Had an argument with her about me being a part of the production team for a musical at my municipal theatre. It's something9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
13(5) Been a while so let me catch you up, I am working on one of the largest shows in my area so that is busy, job is starting up and getting to do more. Mood has somewhat stabilised but still feel down14(3) feeling really bad, had an argument of sorts with my mom about how she was talking to me, and in normal fashion, she either blamed it on me or justified it.15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(5) Started working on a show, great to get back into it. But I am not liking some of the people from past experiences but trying no to let that get to me. Mabey another group would be better.17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25(4) Been a while. Been busy. Mom is getting sick so that is not going to be fun. S has still been on my mind don't know what to do. Keep procrastinating about booking councoling and a my doc.26(5) Mom has been fairly decent while she has been sick which is nice. Just booked an appointment to talk to my doc about going on antidepressants. that is good but can't help feeling down about it.
27(5) Booked an appointment with the doc (finally). Had my break from mp and the stress has settled off so I am going to try remember to come back. I have missed you guys. But I needed that break.28(5) Moms on strike tomorrow. Have my doc appointment on Thursday. Turns out I have a resting heart rate of 60 bpm. And when I am scared it only goes up to 90.29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30(5) Been put on antidepressants, shall see how they help. Need to have a follow up with the doc in 3 weeks to make sure nothing bad happens. Still a bit iffy if this was the right move for me.
(6) Smiled naturally and felt happy/content for the first time in a really long time.
31(5) Going to a bible conference this weekend. Should be good. Need to hang out with people but effort.
June
MTWTFSS
     1(6) Trying to be more positive. Had a good day but a long one. Have another long day tomorrow. Getting to record my churches service tomorrow so I hope my computer can handle it (as it is going to be 142To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
3(6) Yesterday was good but long. Today is the final day of the conference. It has been good and has renewed my faith.4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter5(4) Just one of those days.6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7(6) Internet went down for half the day. Got pulled to the front to deal with people wondering what is up. Was nice to be up there and be out of the cave.8(5) Ok day, mom has a friend coming next weekend so she is being more annoying in the way she is speaking to me. Other wise decent. Really need to book an appointment with my councillor again.9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14(4) Really annoyed right now. Am a part of a company who is just starting in Australia and we have a new CEO (really just someone to organise everyone). That is good but it seems like she is giving me a15To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter16(5) Ok day. Nothing special nothing bad.
(5) Ok day. Nothing special nothing bad.
(3) Aww shoot, just started thinking about s. Wonder how she's doing. But haven't hers from her since Jan. Want to froget about her but can't.
17(5) Don't know. Feeling better but also feeling worse. Happy but sad. Don't know what I am going to do next year. Want to go to uni but also want to just start working.18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20(6) So far been a good day. Have a rehearsal with my church worship team tonight. That should be fun. Otherwise nothing really happening.
(6) So far been a good day. Have a rehearsal with my church worship team tonight. That should be fun. Otherwise nothing really happening.
(7) Ended the day really well with a worship team practice. Was nice to join them for once and push myself out of my comfort zone a bit. Still find it off that preforming is out of my cumfort zone as this
21(4) It's hard when my mom gets tired as she gets irritable and uses the excuse 'I am just tired' like that is an excuse to be rude to your son. During these times it is hard not to notice the fact that22(5) Feeling ok this morning. Mom has something planned for tomorrow this afternoon as it is my birthday tomorrow. That I am nervous for as I don't like surprises. Especially for my birthday.
(5) Turns out my mom did organize a surprise party for me. And I don't know who she asked to make the guest list so it could either be people who I am still friends with or people who I haven't talked to
(5) Turns out my mom did organize a surprise party for me. And I don't know who she asked to make the guest list so it could either be people who I am still friends with or people who I haven't talked to
(8) Turned out to be a good night. A lot of my closer friends came. So was nice.
23(6) Keep forgetting to take meds (and if I took them or not). Been a nice day, first time playing at my church service. was wonderful to do and can't wait to do it again. Need to stop going in so early to
24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25(8) Feeling the most content I have in a really long time. The past couple of days I was thinking about what I said to s that wrecked our relationship as a regret. And today I finally realized that no it26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27(5) Mom is getting anoyed at me. Getting anoyed back just one of these times she gets stressed and takes it out on me.28(3) I don't know. Mom is pissed at me for not doing stuff at the house. I am pissed as it seems she can never talk to me without attitude when it comes to this stuff.29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
July
MTWTFSS
1(6) Sis coming home today. Last night I found a mic for my bass clarinet and I so want to get it but it is ~$1300. But I do enough preforming that it would be useful
(8) Sis home, actually happy, was really busy last week so did not have much time to take in all the good that happened, but now that I have had a bit of time to rest. SOOO MUCH HAPPENED! (compared to
2(6) Realize that no matter the decisions we make and no matter how we feel after we should always know that we did what we thought was best. Even if we think it is wrong. We can't beat ourselves up.3(8) Just feeling content. Still stuff in the back of my mind but gotten to point where I can ignore it most of the time.4(7) 5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6(6) been an ok day. still don't know what to do about S. haven't heard from her since January. I want to stop thinking about her. but I am pretty sure I have thought of her every day.7(5) been ok. Took the tip of my toe off. But it is fine. But sore but fine.
8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11(5) Having trouble sleeping again. Last night I had a massive mind dump on everything I was feeling that took me 2 hours to right down.12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13(6) Lost a lot of weight due to me being extremely active at work (almost 20000 steps a day). Feeling better. Mom is speaking to me better but still not nicely all the time.14(6) Good day. Tired as hell as was up at 6and out of house for 7 and got home at 1. And not been sleeping well.
(6) Good day. Tired as hell as was up at 6and out of house for 7 and got home at 1. And not been sleeping well.
15(7) Although my mom is still annoying me I am trying my best. I have been hugging her more. And i think it is making a difference.16(7) Might sound weird but it hit me that life is a gift that can be taken away at any time. I need to make the most of it. I need to have a relationship with my mom and dad.17To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter19(5) Just feeling not good. Feel sick but not sick. Feeling down and happy. Really feeling weird.20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter23(6) Been a while. Have counciling tomorrow.24(2) Feel absolutely sick. Just saw S passing by. After 6 months of no contact.
(7) Had counsoling that helped me work through some things with s. feeling better but still sad about s
25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter31To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
August
MTWTFSS
   1To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter2To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter3(5) Every time I feel like I get better. It feels like I get dragged down. Trying to stay positive but think I am going to be seeing S every week. And it feels like a train hits me every time I see her.4To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
5To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter6To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter7To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter8To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter9To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter10To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter11To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
12To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter13To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter14To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter15(7) Always forgot to say hi here so if you want to talk feel free to email me at tims.pandaanonymous@gmail.com . It's a private email I only use for this.16To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter17(5) Feel odd don't know what's causing it but feel like I am going backwards.18To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
19To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter20To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter21(5) Been feeling flacky. Some days are getting worse others are getting better.
(5) Been feeling flacky. Some days are getting worse others are getting better.
22To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter23To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter24To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter25To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter
26To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter27To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter28To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter29To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter30To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter31To view data older than 3 months, become a MoodPanda Supporter