January
MTWTFSS
    1(6) Happy New Year Panda bears! ? Wishing you all wellness, happiness and peace.
(6) Staying strong for new year. Determined this will be better and brighter than the last. Exploring how to be more creative today.
2No Reasons3(5) Interrupted night. Feeling humble to be the one to comfort distressed kiddo but I wish she didn't feel so sad. I love her so much. Pre work out check in - noting its hard to get out of bed ?
4(7) Good day yesterday helps me get up today. Running, yoga, being outside & starting to study again we're all there. Feeling hopeful.
(4) Confused. How do people juggle it all and (mentally) stay well? I feel sad I don't know and I'm not sure who to ask for help because no one can come here.
5(5) National lockdown. Need time to regroup but have none. Need to explain and sit with kiddos and do it with them. Let the upskilling continue!6(5) Up in night with both kiddos. Need to be careful to pace myself today and have reasonable expectations ....but my wild side is still shooting beyond to uncontained freedom, expansive love and real joy
(2) In trying to sit with the feelings the grief came. So many tears. So intense. Feels hopeless, but some part of me wants to leave a healthier legacy than my dad. So scared.
7(4) In my head feel like I'm the problem. Like I'm stupid. Grateful to know I'm not my thoughts and this will pass. Want to curl up and hide but need to show up for kiddos.
(5) Showing up and getting stuff done. Grateful for my daughters school handing out books, glad of winter sun. Grateful for time to walk on my own. I like being with me it helps me feel less tangled.
8(6) Feeling proud of myself. I upgraded my phone and it's something I have been working up to for ages. Reminds me that courage looks different from person to person.
(4) Sitting with frustration, fear, sadness, anger, grief and a kind of madness that comes from trying to do too much. Trying to work out what I need. Starting with booking into yoga.
(5) Thankful for yoga class.
9(5) Feeling hopeful. Glad to not be trying to run school support from home today. Planning how to connect with my family and have a productive day.? Staying present. Cultivating appreciation and hope.
(6) Productive day. Looked after kiddos, ordered new books, cleaned and taped back of fridge, played new family game, rewrote parts of Cs education plan, helped C decide on some clothes....
10(8) Huge frosty gratitude run/walk. Crunchy ice and sparkly grass. Beautiful.
11(6) Up 15 mins early to hone morning routeine. Meditation, exercise bike and reading. Booked into online workout at 7am - going to try and do round / with kiddos. Feeling hopeful.
(5) Holding steady. Finding educating from home stressful as both kiddos need help concurrently. Feeling pulled in too many directions. 6 min meditation helped.
12(3) One child with multiple diagnosis' and one child undiagnosed. National lockdown. How can I support these kiddos? Feel anger, frustration, loneliness, exhaustion and grief. Trying to .....
(6) Considering everything. I'm totally smashing it ?? But it is tiring and I can't maintain this forever but I'm proud of myself for today.
13(6) Up early. Making my way through morning routine. Feeling hopeful but also scared. Neighbours are sick with Covid. Have to tell kiddos today.
(2) Big cry. Down here again. Too many demands. Too much stuff to do. Short circuiting. I hate people saying “it's ok” when I feel like this because it blatantly isn't ok. Really struggling.
14(4) Feeling sad, scared and tired. up in the night with my son. Grateful for a new day and breakfast. Grateful to try again. Trying to adjust expectations.15(6) Feeling hopeful. Up before kiddos to work out and read inspiring books. Grateful for last nights bath. Meditating on listening to me. It's harder than I thought ?16(6) Feeling hopeful. Meditating on self comapsssion and looking again at my relationship with food. The notion of eating differently on training vs non training days is exciting.17(6) Pre run check in. It's really cold here - wondering how it will effect my run. Making space for breath work and meditation part way round. Really excited to be getting out in nature....
(9) Strava says my run was 18km. Woo hoo! Really great to be outside, to meditate and connect. I'm proud I built myself up to this from 10 minute runs on a knee injury in the local park!
18(6) Time @ empty friends house helped collect thoughts. Feel more prepared for week but emotional need of both kiddos on my return was too much. Want to think about how I model emotional wellness....
(6) Doing ok. Home internet not working. Enjoying doing non screen stuff with kids
19(4) Feeling low. Awake at least five times in night with kiddos. Need to recalibrate expectations of the day. Glad to be up early to meditate, exercise and connect. Need to make sure I rest.
(2) Predictably feeling awful. Really tired. Feel really stupid. How do other special needs parents do this?
20(5) Holding steady. Frustrated with myself which means there's a message in here to change something. Meditating for clarity.
(1) I imploded. This is scary and horrible.
21(3) Trying to put myself back together.
(4) I feel like the next version of myself is still in construction. Finding something from somewhere to build. She's gonna be amazing.
22(5) Starting to feel better. Developing more compassion for why I lost it. Taking advice and options seriously and grateful to be on my way up again. That was scary.
(5) Holding steady despite challenging day. Frustrated I forgot to cue autistic kiddo so she missed virtual lesson. Feels like there's too many demands and I'm close to tears.
23(4) I'm really tired.
(3) Drained.
24(6) Picking self up. Continuing to build. Great morning run. Chilly. Tea with friend on deck. Yoga. Good day so far.
25(5) Up in night with tumbleweed head. Resolving to make yet more changes. Signed up to do more yoga training - really exited but apprehensive cos of finding the time. Relying on believing this is my path.
(6) Mini run in the sunshine and lunch time meditation. Glad things have calmed down a bit here. Feel more focussed and hopeful.
(7) I had my first ever guitar lesson! It was so much fun!
26(5) Grateful for sleeping. Glad home is warm. Happy to boil kettle for tea. Bit anxious but determined to get some more time for myself.
(3) Overwhelmed. Don't understand what help can look like while in national lockdown. I need more time for myself.
27(4) Feeling tired and sad so exercising and meditating to lift mood. Genuinely feeling like there's too much to do today. Trying to decide what to drop is hard because there's so much need here.
(6) Doing ok. Just one day at a time. Can't process news about uk schools staying shut longer but that's ok. Just staying in this day. Doing what I can.
28(5) Made a mistake yesterday. Slept badly. Looking again at ways out of unhealthy patters with disordered eating. I feel addressing this is key to lots of other things. Open to new possibilities.
(6) Things feeling clearer. Good to get out for a run. Good to catch up with studies. Really busy supporting kiddos. Feeling like something is finally shifting. No tears yet today.
29(3) Awake. In pain. Being unusually still. Very tired
(5) Less pain. Holding steady. Planning the rest of the day.
30(4) Woke in pain. Gently moving. Taking different action to address pain. Feel low mood. Resetting expectations. Feeling conflicted between needing to rest and parenting.
(5) Holding steady. Glad to get outside. Making effort to be positive.
31(3) :(
(8)
February
MTWTFSS
1(5) Holding steady. Anxiety about facilitating stuff for kids. Trying to lower expectations of myself. Feel sore and bloated.
(7) Curled up quietly at my friends (empty) house. Feels amazing to have time to think and process. Glad for some space.
2(4) Feel low. Have a headache. Tired. Trying to get moving gently before waking kiddos. Wish national lockdown would end. Have to keep coming back to this day only and what I CAN control.
(2) Messed up. Emotional eating won. I'm so cross with myself.
(1) I'm exhausted. No one cares as long as kids turn in school work. So broken. I am no where. Dreams and goals mean nothing if my everyday is trying to survive. I'm frightened.
3No Reasons4(4) Grateful to wake with no stomach pains and normal movement. Trying to stay in this day. Moment by moment. Next right action.
(5) Pleased to play some guitar. Spent a little time thinking about what my life purpose statement will be. Mostly supported kiddos.
5(6) Enjoying sunshine and brisk walk. Managed 30 mins study around looking after kiddos. Feels good to learn! Re read purpose statement.6(6) Feeling good. Honing in on nutrition is really helping. Exercise rest day so thinking about what I need to do to nurture me that's not movement based and also fun with kiddos.7(5) Pre run mood check in. Sitting with anticipation / excitement about being outside in nature but also fear - it's 1degree and forecast snow and for some reason I'm fearful of slipping.
(9) Post run check in. 19.2km in snow, sleet and rain. Feel a m a z I n g. Super proud of myself. Now where's breakfast....
8(6) Good Morning Pandas! Feeling grateful for some time on my own yesterday evening- to study and play guitar. Feeling stronger.9(6) Grateful to be learning. Glad I have a teacher who can meet me where I am.
(6) Steady 6. This is good. Tired but giving self permission to let house jobs go. Enjoying learning, did workout and walked in the snow.
(6) I had a nap! It always feels like a small miracle round the kiddos to get my head down in the day. I'm currently a bit fuzzy headed but that will lift. Really grateful.
10(6) Grateful to be up and exercising before kiddos wake even though night was interrupted. Lots of hope for the day but need to hand that over and be present and not too attached to expectations
(3) Currently crying. It just feels impossible sometimes. Tried to rest - three interruptions means that's impossible. Just need to try to carry on.
(3) Still feeling rough. Planning to play some guitar and head to bed. Feeling sad but that will pass. I think I'm mostly exhausted and fed up of national lockdown and what it means.
11(5) Awake early. Treating it as extra “me” time to meditate and exercise.
(5) Holding up ok. Difficult thoughts about TBOTB. Need to let go. Need to be present. Time to cook supper. I wish the kiddos would eat the same food. It's exhausting cooking multiple dishes every meal
(3) Not ok. Gonna have a bath and go to bed. Feel sad.
12No Reasons13(6) Doing well. Online learning went well. Proud of myself. Now working out what's next....
(7) I napped ? Yay ?
(3) Feeling sad. 90 minute episode with my daughter - she was really distressed. It was really unpleasant. I am worried about her mental health. I am trying to look after mine. I am exhausted.
14(4) Awake.In pain. Slept badly. I really want to isolate and hide. Gonna make myself go out.
(2) My daughter.
15(3) Tired. In pain. Daughter made it through the night. Need to balance out warrior mum fighting to get her better mental health support and tired mum who needs rest and softness.
(5) Holding steady. Keeping things simple. Grateful for wise mental health support for kiddo. Kiddo doing ok again. I'm still processing stuff but gently.
(5) Made it to the end of the day. Proud of myself. Looking forward to rest.
16(3) Tired and low. Interrupted night. Trying to move body slowly. Grateful for meditation.
(4) Feeling better for a mini run and work out.
17(5) Really tired. Stomach ache again. Going to make an easy to digest smoothie. Trying to be gentle with me.multiple broken nights. Still determined to keep kiddo out of hospital if at all possible.
(6) Something is shifting - in a good way
18(3) Awake but nauseous from another interrupted night. I don't feel well. Tired of feeling tired.
(5) Fresh air and a walk with 90 mins yoga. Feeling much better. Working on huge paperwork form for financial assistance with kiddo. Feels good to be getting it done.
(6) Proud of myself for today. Pacing myself as it's not over yet.
19(6) Woke rested! Woo hoo! Jumping on the exercise bike and listening to personal development podcasts.
(6) I love the lights reflected on the canal in the evenings and the calm of the water. I love the babble of chatter down there and the smell of wood burning stoves...
20(6) Bumbling out of bed. Up twice in the night with my daughter. Feel grateful for being warm and for kiddy cuddles. My wild side wants to run bare foot on the Earth and search out signs of spring..... ?
(7) I love the feel of the ground beneath my feet, the breeze on my face and the expansive sky. Feeling in awe and hopeful.
21(6) Pre walk/run check in. Not really sure how I feel - sleepy???
(8) 14.3km run/walk. Great to listen to personal development podcasts and pop to a friends boat for tea on deck! Also great to be gone for breakfast!
22(6) Well rested. Up early. Grateful for evening doing yoga and studying. Grateful to be on the exercise bike thinking about this day. Anxious a bit because term restarts - kiddos both home.
(5) Holding steady.Trying to adjust expectations again. Wondering how I can fit a nap in.....
(5) Napped for twenty minutes but woke to screaming kiddos needing help to emotionally regulate. Feeling very fragile and a bit disoriented.
23(5) Really beautiful guitar lesson yesterday. Felt in the moment and made resonant sounds. But I'm battling negative narrative following a difficult night. I need to watch what I'm saying to myself today!
(5) Holding steady but getting tired. Great to do a run in spring sunshine. Supporting kiddos challenging. Need to reassess how much I am trying to do today.
24(6) Good Morning Pandas. Up & exercising. Grateful for yesterday's nap, yoga class and a game of tag with my son.
(6) Holding steady at a six. Good to study, read and excercise round / with kiddos.
(7) Smoothie lunch, meditation and nap. Feels so good to focus more on me and what I need. Definitely a better mum for looking after me!
25(6) Slept ok. Awake and on the exercise bike. Noticing thoughts. Bit obsessive. Working to letting that stuff go.
(6) Good to briefly nap, great to play guitar. Bit anxious about a mistake, trying to be kind to myself. Ate well. Need to not snack.
26(6) Good Morning Pandas!
(7) Proud of myself. Much gratitude! I have been on or above a five for a whole week for the first time since starting to track my mood. Thank you pandas for being on this journey with me. You're great!
(6) Micronapped. Meditated. Supported kiddos. Sorted groceries. Did some sewing. Busy but good.
(6) Lovely evening stroll to watch the lights reflected off the water and to think. I'm lonely for likeminded company. Wondering if it's strange to be lonely in a city full of people? Good night Pandas.
27(5) Interrupted night but slept in a little. Restarted boiler twice. Trying to let go of anxiety around it breaking. Enjoying learning guitar stuff from YouTube and cooking porridge for breakfast!
(5) Napped. Did a study group. Feel tired from being so animated on zoom. Grateful for MoodPanda- really helping me keep track. Thanks pandas!
28(8) Back from massive run / gratitude walk - feeling good.
(7) Napped while snuggling kiddos during a movie, now tucking into protein shake and soup. Good to talk to neighbour.
March
MTWTFSS
1(5) Slept badly. Tummy sore. Awake early. Planning the day. Doing breathing exercises to calm me. About to hop on exercise bike. Reflecting on what's set my tummy off again.
(7) Walked, spoke to a friend, napped, tickled kids, did some study. Ate well. Good day so far.
(8) Coolest guitar lesson ever ?
2(6) Awake and exercising. Feeling really alive, connected & present despite broken night. Need to look at routines around sleep.
(7) Feeling alive and connected. Enjoying movement, music, challenges, the kiddos and everything else this day is throwing at me.... so far so good.
(5) Hello anxiety. I want a better income. I have to get out this mess. This is holding me back. I have value and I want to be of service. I just have no idea how. I have to start somewhere. Here. Now
3(5) Tired. Sad. Loosing focus. Trying to turn it around.
(6) Tired but getting stuff done. Planning to nap. Hospital appt with kiddo was useful - easier online.
4(6) Good Morning Pandas! Awake moments before my alarm. Slept well. Let's go day!
(6) Good day so far. Feeling hungry. Hunting out smoothie ingredients for lunch. Nom nom.
(5) Napped, met with both kiddos schools. Lost focus a bit after that. Think I'm tired. Feeling a bit sad.
5(5) Holding steady. Grateful for springtime. Nervous about my choices for a busy day. Annoyed at my internal narrative about a friend and my trying to force solutions. I need to let go.
(5) Busy day. Emotionally draining. Feeling like there's a lot going on. Trying to get my focus back on me and what I can do.
6(5) Woke tired. I ache so I know I need to rest today. Trying to plan the day but release expectations. Mostly I want to keep it simple.
(5) Trying to hold steady. Struggling to find focus. The changes I am making don't seem enough. But who am I to judge?
7(7) Great run. Brilliant tunes. Wonderful springtime. But home to loads of anger - I just politely excused myself to go get breakfast. I will not be drawn in.
(5) Around so much anger today. Finding it hard to hold my equilibrium. Makes me feel like I need to leave. Why don't people understand how damaging this stuff is?
(6) Feeling better for being on my own. Studied and did some stretching and spoke to a friend. Phew.
8(6) Burnt porridge and dropped headphones. Just life. Better for exercise - hit and cardio. Outside. Cold. Feels bracing. Felt good to brake the fog.
(6) Studying, drinking ginger tea and starting to work out what's next. Need to step up changes to create a better life. Enjoying the lack of interruptions and ability to complete thought processes.
9(7) Feeling good. Great to feel the cold air in my lungs and run. London I love you, you amazing city. And yes, I was faster than the traffic ?
(6) Being gentle with me today. I've napped, eaten well, studied and walked with my daughter.
(5) I feel sad. It's been such an amazing day but arguments and anger around me again this evening. I feel scared. I don't want any part in it but I feel dragged down by it's presence.
10(5) Fear. Cautious. I want to be small and take up as little space as I can. I want to disappear and hide where I can't get hurt.
(6) I'm doing ok. Managed to face the world. Ran, had a guitar lesson, more study and house stuff. Concerned about my boy- waiting for medical call back, which is stressful. Daughter stressed too.
11(6) Good Morning Pandas! Feeling under pressure today but actively trying to let go. What will be will be. Anxious about going to the hospital with my boy.
(8) Grateful for hospital staff and relieved at outcome. New guitar arrived. It's awesome. I'm excited. I feel humble that this is possible.
12(7) Awesome early and exercising. Excited for the day. Sitting with low base anxiety about schools and kiddos. Concerned about daughters mental health.
(7) Studied, played guitar, napped, exercised, read, looked after kiddo. Yeeesssss!
13(6) Woke feeling sad with stomach ache but then remembered my guitar. Better for playing.
(5) In my fear response again. Bad habits and feeling like I wanna run and hide. Tired of being around anger and being scapegoated for other peoples awful behaviour.
(5) Feeling low. Tired. Tummy ache. Lonely. Going to head to bed. Good night pandas.
14(7) Really awesome gratitude run / walk combo. Good to think but also good to be present. Wind on my face. I feel alive! (And quite physically tired now)
(7) Watched a movie with kiddos, zoomed family, studied, ate well, played guitar, listened to thumping great tunes, stretched. This has been such a good day.
15(5) Feeling a bit flat
(5) Ewwwww. Feeling tired and I ache. Motivation seems to have disappeared and I've lost focus.
16(5) Vaccine after effects - body dull & heavy. tired. Slight headache and arm heavy. Brain fuzz and some anxiety.
(5) Anxiety and overwhelm - trying to rest.
17(6) Feeling better. Less heavy. Kiddos both in school for morning. Feels strangely quiet! First time in months I'm home alone. Been for a run and had a shower.
(7) Busy day. Feels like a privilege to study uninterrupted. Walking to get my daughter was good - heavy rain but loved the noise on the umbrella. Played guitar. Want to play some more.
18(6) Good day so far but both kiddos upset about school. Trying to keep my anxiety in check. Asked school to help. Been for a run and did high interval training. Showered.
(6) Hi hum. Neither kiddo made the school day. It's been joyous to have impromptu time with each and crammed some study in too. Gifting myself time to play guitar before working out what's next....
(6) It's been a good rest of the day. Enjoying making new connections. Spent time with kiddos, did house stuff & life admin and cooked. Late lunch meditation felt challenging but beneficial.
19(6) Good Morning Pandas! There's music in my head this morning! Feel grateful. About to work out.... trying to hand over anxiety about the day. Need to let go.
(5) Impromptu time with my boy - reading and yoga - lovely. Smoothie lunch. Felt sad and cried on my way to get my daughter. Home now. Working out what's next. Feeling fragile.
(5) Holding steady. Useful meditation. Need to work on my afternoon focus. Reading again about Wim Hof method. Want to try again. Grateful for groceries. Hungry now.
(6) Feeling better for studying even though I'm more tired now. Screens off next. Time to wind down.
20(7) I slept in! That hasn't happened in ages. Starting the day with an avocado smoothie and snuggles with kiddos.
(6) Good to study, walk outside and talk with my son.
21(8) I slept badly but have been on an epic gratitude run / walk. Feeling grateful for nature, new connections and hope. Glad of the time to process recent events.
(5) Feeling wobbly. Afraid.
22(3) Cried myself to sleep. Awake now. Feel sad and confused and I wish it would all just stop. Need to be gentle with myself today.
(3) Cried myself to sleep. Awake now. Feel sad and confused and I wish it would all just stop. Need to be gentle with myself today.
(4) I cancelled morning plans and slept. I'm going to make a smoothie next. Then I need to make myself do jobs I don't wanna do. I feel heavy and sad and I want to hide.
(5) Feeling more steady. Meditation, listening, nutritional food, being outside and countering negative thoughts have all helped.
23(6) Busy day so far. Good to meditate, work out and talk to a friend. Porridge breakfast was yummy.
(6) Busy day. Studying mostly and looking after kiddos. Contemplating big decisions and sitting with difficult emotions. Seeking inner guidance.
(3) High anxiety and feeling physically sick ?
24(3) Feeling frightened, tired and numb. Stomach really sore. My son is being bullied at school. Going to sit in meditation and do a work out then figure out what I can do. .
(3) Feeling like I'm the problem. Thank goodness feelings aren't facts.
25(6) Challenging negative thoughts and focussing on being present. Determined to make the most of my day.
(6) Back to back meetings with school, walking, high interval training and an avocado smoothie, collected my daughter. Now time to meditate, regroup and refocus for the afternoon.
26(6) New connections, nap and reading aloud to kiddo.
(5) Getting tired. Prioritising what I need to do ahead of tomorrow and lettting the rest go.
27(5) Awake early. Feeling cautious.
(5) Today's felt tough. Grown up discussions about a situation I did not choose to be in. Being an adult is really hard. So is being a parent.
28(7) Just back from gratitude run / walk. Great to hear birds and connect with nature. Glad of tea and vegan brownie on deck with friend. Want to stay having time off. Hard to come home.
29(6) Taking a break. Sitting in sunshine drinking blueberry smoothie. Holding up ok. Felt focussed this morning. Now need to maintain focus's to this afternoon.
(6) Focussed maintained. Now I get to play guitar for a bit ?
(5) Making nurturing decisions when I'm tired is really challenging. I'm much more likely to be impulsive or choose the quick solution. Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
30(6) Windows open. Birds singing. Sun shining. Missed my wake up alarm so finding surrender. The day is what it is and I only have now.
(5) Determined to hold up for my kids. Both out school early. Trying to hold steady. Balancing surrender with action. Challenging myself to seek different solutions and think in healthier (?) ways....
(5) Breath work so feel calmer. Still feel sad over current situation. Seeking clarity. Feeling controlled and trapped by decisions made by someone else. Trying to focus on me.
31(4) I want to be somewhere I'm listened to and where I am able finish sentences. I feel sad and emotionally drained. I really have had enough.
April
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Tired.Cautious. Sad
(6) Short fast run. Focussed study time. Listening to others. Breath work.
2(5) Tired despite sleeping in. Heavy and sad despite its the “holidays”. Questioning what I need to change and rolling out my exercise mat.....
(5) Upset stomach. Trying to cultivate hope but all i feel is trapped and disempowered.
(6) Deliberately doing tasks with my hands to take myself out of thinking. Repainted door step and started oiling worktops. Feeling better for doing practical tasks.
3(5) Slept badly. Woke distressed. Meditation and more practical tasks since waking. It feels good to do home improvement but working on letting go of who will benefit.
(7) Good to walk, listen and talk with an old friend.
4(7) Fab gratitude run and walk this morning. Good to connect with nature and be by the water. I love the space and light.
(6) Worked physically hard today. Focussed. Intentional.
5(5) Stomach ache and racing thoughts on waking. Meditation helped. Email from friend helped. Going to do some exercise around tummy pain. I miss laughing.
(6) Feeling ok but a bit wobbly.
(5) A bit sad. Tired. Wanting likeminded conversation....
6(5) Feel sad and a bit low. Still tired despite sleeping.
(5) Doing all the right things but still feeling plop. This too shall pass. Upset / disregulated kiddos are settling - I'm going to read for a bit while it's quiet.
7(5) Slept badly again. Anxiety high. Going to change up bedtime routine.
(5) Sometimes it's so hard that the only thing I can do is hold her hand and sit with her. I can't make it better or understand more. I can just be and hope that my “being” is enough.
(4) I feel like every nerve in my body is jangled. I'm alert from being around so much anger, rage and miscommunication. I feel like I can do better but also this situation needs to change. Sadness. Grief
8(4) Morning Pandas. Woke with electrical-like pains in lower abdomen. Daughter awake all through the night. Multiple night wakes for me. Tired and fuzzy thinking.
(5) A shaky 5. I napped. I did some healthy food ordering and menus (which I find really hard) and am working out priorities for the rest of the day. Feeling stuck and sad.
(6) Another nap. 20 mins 5-5-10-5 breathing and a lavender bath. Trying to reset so I rest well. Feet / toe massages with kids Good night panda bears!
9(6) Good Morning Pandas! I slept 7 hours and napped another 2. Easy does it today.
(6) Focussed study amidst some chaos. Allowing that to be my experience. Now I need to move and stretch.
(6) More study. Discussion. Listening.
(7) New books! Oh how I love new books. Arrived today. Settling in to read.....
10(4) Tired and in pain. Sadness. Shame.
(6) Being outside helps although very cold. Time with a friend. Still feeling muddled but grateful for doing something different.
11(7) 14km gratitude run/walk. Feel refreshed. Listening to motivational self development helps me cultivate hope. Beautiful to be in the wilder bits of the city.
(7) Challenging afternoon. But .... I listened. I took time and I took breaks. I also (finally) finished sewing the curtain for my sons sensory den!
12(6) Slept ok. Grateful to be up early to meditate and work out.
(3) ?
13(3) Losing hope. sad. Tired. Some pain. Self sabotaging thoughts. Feeling the prequel physical feelings to panic attacks. Breathing exercises helping a little.14(3) Sad. Tired. Don't want to get out of bed. Loosing hope.15(5) Coming back around. I feel cautious. Feel like I've been in mental health hell. Wishing well to all those still there.
(5) Just about holding at a 5. I napped so feel less tired but now feel like I have loads to do and not enough time. Overwhelmed.
16(5) Avocado smoothie and a workout have helped lift my mood. Lots of uncertainty and demands today. Need to look after me to look after my kiddos.
(4) Not feeling good. I can literally feel myself shaking from my core and I am doing everything I can to remember to breathe well - otherwise I just hold my breath which is worse!
17(3) Awake. Headache. Ear ache (?!) Tummy ache. Thoughts of self harm are just that - thoughts - watching them come and go and trying not to get involved. Trying to reboot. Starting with meditation....
(5) Breath work, yoga, meditation and a sunny day all helping me to recalibrate. Thankful for sunshine and the ability to watch thoughts come....and.....go.....
18(6) 17.9km gratitude run/walk. Loving spring, ducks, birds, squirrels, trees and most of all the river. I love the space and light and the sense of freedom.
(2) ...
19(3) Sad. Stuck.Lonely. Angry. Confused. Hurt. Misunderstood. Tired. Grieving for the death of the dream. Getting up from here will take some time. Starting with the breath.
(5) Getting organised. Starting to refocus. Feeling the mighty force of determination kicking in. Sunshine, meditation, yoga and exercise helping. Working hard.
20(6) Up early to exercise and meditate.
(6) Maintaining a 6 because of surrendering to how life is. Accepting calls from both schools and getting one kiddo early. Listening and being present. Letting go expectations. Proud I did some study
21(5) Less surrendered today. Both kiddos off school. Cancelled my plans and reframing the day. Challenging myself to show up as the best version of me and working radical acceptance regarding the situation
(6) Still challenging myself to show up as the best version of me. This is helping me focus and get stuff done. being more grateful and thinking more creatively.
22(5) Holding at 5. Woke ok then remembered current situation and plummeted a bit. Meditation, exercise and nutritional smoothie all help. kiddos off school. More calls with mental health team
(6) Steady. Focussed.
23(5) Feeling scattered after long mental health appointment about one of my kiddos. Resetting - aiming for focus. Plan for next 20 mins - Meditation. Sunshine. Smoothie. Reading.24(6) Slept in. Meditated. Glad it's Saturday. Planning ways to connect & empower kiddos. Nurturing creativity.
(6) A little bit of seeing, guitar practice, reading in the sunshine and a stroll with my daughter as well as some study.
25(7) Awesome gratitude run. I saw a wild fox! S/he looked right at me before racing off. Yeeesssss!
(6) Preparing for next week and yoga. Really grateful for online yoga class. Aiming to maintain focus.
26(5) Rough start to the morning. Anger from my boy, tears from my girl. Trying to hold steady. Meditation helped so did breakfast smoothie. Both off school today.
(5) Meditation and breath work in the sunshine helped. Read NVC chapter9 - this really matters. Kiddos settling. Mama feeling tired.
27(4) Tired. Rough night and in pain. Determined to show up and be the best I can be. Sunshine and meditation helping.
(5) Holding steady. Sitting with nerves about a meeting later.
(6) Tired but proud of myself for today. Meeting was ok - some unresolved points. Enjoyed playing guitar, studying and yoga.
28(5) Tired. Awake lots with kiddo. Anxiety high. Missed early wake for exercise. Feel like my day is running behind. Need to accept and surrender to what is.
(5) Working on accepting things I am powerless over. Learning to be patient in the discomfort.
29(5) Stressful start to the day. Trying to calm down now and reboot.
(6) I did it! I got the day back! Napping helped. Surrender is the only way.
30(6) I did not want to exercise this morning. 40 minutes and a meditation later I feel grateful I did. Winning looks like this.
(5) Having a bit of a lull. Kids settled for a moment. Tired so resting.
(7) The seemingly impossible just happened. Never give up.
May
MTWTFSS
     1(7) Up early to meditate, listen & learn and play guitar.
(7) Three hour walk and talk with my friend. Lovely.
2(6) Pre run check in. Woke early to meditate. Feeling hopeful. Tummy less knotty.
(8) Awesome run/walk combo. I saw a deer, a wild fox, listened to birds, saw sunshine and rain. Tea on my friends boat. Such an amazing start to the day. So grateful.
3(6) Grateful to wake early to meditate and listen and learn.
(6) Maintaining a 6 - listening to others needs and finding acceptance.
4(6) Meditation. Workout. Breakfast smoothie - banana, spinach, nut butter, chia seeds, oats, hazlenut milk. Breakfast with kiddos. Lovely start to the day.
(6) Really busy. Hard to fit everything in - surrendering and trying to be really present with what I'm doing. Great conversation with my son this morning too.
(4) There is a sadness and a grief. I feel a sense of loss listening to the chaos of those I love hurt each other with words and disrespect each other with interruptions and raised voices.
5(5) Anxiety high. Slept badly. Stomach ache. Feel emotionally drained from witnessing arguments yesterday. Need to face this and make decisions when I mostly want to run away.
(6) I made myself meditate and work out. Healthy breakfast and lunch smoothies and busy in between. Grateful for self care strategies and organisational skills.
6(5) Stomach ache effected sleep. Glad of cosy duvet and warm home. Need to be gentle today. Need to keep expectations in check today. Feel some fear.
(5) Headache. Tired. Resting as much as I can.
(4) Reverence for body - she knew she had to carry on till today. Then she stopped. I am in awe of this spacesuit and being gentle with her while she reboots. Normal service will resume....
7(6) Good start- meditation, work out, walking with son. Blackberry smoothie. Sunshine.
(5) Busy day. Focussed.
8(5) Really tired. Resting.
(5) Holding steady. Prioritising. Focussing. Presence.
9(6) Injured. Body needs time to heal. Small run but mostly walking meditation. Lovely to be out in nature.
(6) Some pain. Enjoying seeing a friend, time with kiddos, yoga and being outside
10(6) Here we go! Start of week. Feeling a bit chaotic with appointments and the degree of flexibility required to support both kiddos. Planning walking meditation time to help.
(5) Tired. Big medical appointment with kiddo. Need time to consider what was said. Need to recalibrate what's possible for the rest of today given my lack of energy.
11(6) Woke feeling rested. Mediation and exercise. Feeling grateful.
(6) Busy. Focussed. Taking a moment here then back to it ?
12(6) Meditation, work out, showered, nutritional breakfast.... all feels like winning but struggling to support my special needs daughter who is fading fast.
(7) Back to back busy. Someone made a sausage dog shape in topiary. Made me laugh. Botb too.
13(6) Feeling rushed then spilled orange juice everywhere. Cultivating humour and noticing I need to slow down and be present. Meditation, exercise, banana smoothie....
(6) Grateful for yoga practice, time to get organised and walking in the rain with my daughter.
14(5) Woke late. Didn't finish work out because of time. Kids needing lots of help. Late breakfast. It's funny when total chaos is still winning....
(6) Busy day. Power napped. Brought kiddos doughnuts. Still trying to get stuff done. Need to stop soon.
15(6) Busy day. Feeling organised pleased to be getting stuff done.
(6) Walking and talking with my daughter in the rain. Amazing kiddo.
16(5) Pre gratitude run check in. Feeling tired and sore. Need to take it easy.
(7) Feeling better for grstitude run / walk and also warm shower and breakfast.
17(4) From good mood to mood 4 in short space of time. Need to reflect on what's going on.....
(4) Feeling rough. Not sure why or what's going on. I am tired.
18(4) Feeling tired. Challenged by priorities. There seems so much to do.
(4) Cancelled plans to rest. Not feeling good.
(4) .... still not feeling good.... doing all the things that usually help....
19(3) Feeling rough. Thoughts are critical and negative. Meditation and yoga practice challenging. Feeling stuck and panicking. Tired and scared.
(2) Part one of three mental health assessment appointments. Yikes I feel rough.
20(4) Picking myself up from what feels like mental health hell. Determined not to let it get me. I'm worth more.
(5) Rising up
21(5) Holding up ok but still feeling low. Feeling the pull of trying to support two kids in opposite places with different needs.
(5) Still holding steady. Started some work. Still feeling low.
22(5) Awake but feeling heavy. Trying to rest before kiddos wake.
(5) Feeling flustered and like there's too much to do.
(6) Walking in the rain and then sunshine and seeing my favourite dog ?
23(7) Gratitude run / walk. Enjoying the wilder side of the city. Tea on friends boat deck in the early sunshine. Lovely start to the day.
(7) Practicing guitar ?
24(4) Feeling frustration over repeating old, unhealthy patters. Disgust for my behaviour and annoyed I'm waking feeling so low and tired. Cross I'm not showing up for myself in the way I want to. I Need to be gentle with myself today and have gratitude for this journey and how far I've come. Most of all I need to show up for me.
(5) Meditation, cardio, worked and walked. Did some house jobs. Trying to support kiddo in medical appointment. She screamed at me when it was over. I feel sad. Loosing hope again.
(3) Not ok
25(5) Up early. In pain. Trying to self soothe.
(6) Taking it a bit easier today.
26(5) Challenging start to the day. I feel like I let myself down again. Pain continues but is fluctuating - worse in the night. Distressed kiddo. Trying hard to sit with and explore feeling like an inadequate parent. I'm so tired.
(3)
27(4) tired but slept better. Anxiety about work. sad about family situations. Pain easing but still present.
(5) Holding steady. Good to focus on practical stuff.
28(6) Better for yoga and a walk. Did some study. Valuing time on my own. Hoping to catch up on essential house stuff and life admin.
(6) Holding steady at a 6. Did some study. House jobs done. About to catch up with life admin. Walked with my daughter. She's amazing but having a hard day. Felt good to listen.
29(4) In pain and tired. Trying to be gentle and move slowly.
(5) Been for a walk and baked cookies with my daughter - this was a huge gift, I love doing stuff like this with her. Still feel very tired and low. Panda bears - since the app makeover I haven't worked out how to follow someone. Can anyone explain please? Thanks.
30(6) Feel better for gratitude run - walk combination. Lots of walking meditation which helped too. Need to take gloves next time though because my fingers were too cold.
31(6) Good Morning panda bears. More clarity this morning. Feeling grateful. Chia / hemp / flax seed porridge breakfast. Hit workout and meditation.
(5) Second Covid vac. Feel tired and heavy. Really grateful for rest.
June
MTWTFSS
 1No Reasons2(5) Still coping with vaccine after effects. Mostly tired and heavy. Exploring when to push and when to relax. Refining diet as a way to support mental / physical health.3(5) Easier day. Less tired. Grateful for nutritional food and early morning walk and yoga practice. Glad for half term and play dates.4(7) Grateful to wake with some energy. 14.5km recovery run / walk. Grateful to be in nature. Trees. Flowers. Squirrels. Birds. Fish. Quiet. Space. Water. Fields. Tracks. Also grateful for breakfast - chia & flax seed porridge with vegan protein powder. Good to rediscover “old” meditations in a new way and to run guided with an audio coach. Haven't done that in a while.
(7) Good to see extended family. To walk. Grateful for parks and plants. Really pretty in the rain.
5(6) Interrupted night due to digestion - feels frustrating. Tired but not too heavy this morning. Grateful for shelter and warmth.
(6) Some self distructive behaviours but a good afternoon with a friend. Making plans. Good to be outside in the shade. Good to walk and talk.
6(8) Such a great start to the day. Wild running with gratitude by the water. Laying on my back on my friends boat feeling it rocking, drinking tea and listening, feeling my feet pound the park paths home. Warm porridge followed by kiwi fruit. I feel so grateful. Connected and present.
(7) Avocado and chia seed smoothie. Yoga. Grateful.
7(6) Busy start to the day. Home baked granola for breakfast was lovely. Grateful for meditation and a work out. Excited to be going out with my daughter for some of today.
(7) Went round an art gallery with my daughter. Such a lovely day so far.
8(7) Good start to the day. Morning meditation and work out. Home baked granola and juice for breakfast. Prepping kids for school and walking with my son.
(7) Accidental nap, time with friends, walking with my daughter, life admin, house stuff. Grateful. Sunshine.
9(6) Challenged by kids behaviour this morning. Greatful to walk, glad for meditation and to work out. Grateful to study.
(6) Studied. Connected with friends. Meditated. Walked with my daughter. Smoothie lunch. Grateful. Present.
10(5) Feeling low after an awful nights sleep. Mobility workout and mediation helped. Need to take it easy today.
(6) Grateful to study and clean house. Listening to daughter. Not fixing. Listening. Asking intelligent questions for clarification and reflecting back what I hear. Being present. Heard old friend on social media. Considering messaging to open up the connection.
(4) Sad. Tired. Feeling sick. Being in charge of kiddos is super hard when I feel like this. Kiddos also feeling sad. Being ghosted by a friend isn't helping my mental state - gently putting focus back on me and what I can change….
11(5) Feeling low and rough after disturbed sleep. Tried resting which helped a bit.12(5) I am SO grumpy. It's such nonsense. Made home baked granola, meditated and really checking in especially with internal narrative. I don't like what I hear. Trying to accept her and in doing so, to move on through, hopefully to better times….13(6) Grateful for long morning walk/ run. Glad of blue sky and wildlife. Grateful for breakfast in the garden.
14(6) Grateful to walk with my son. Glad to study.
(6) Hospital appt with daughter went well grateful it's video not in person. Glad to do more study and to catch up on life admin. Easier day.
15(3) Anxious. Scared. Tired. Not feeling well physically. Wish I could stay in bed.
(4) Still feeling unwell. Headache. Not feeling sick anymore, so that's good. Trying to be gentle with myself because I'm not getting stuff done.
16(5) Awake. Glad to be migraine free. Struggling with fluffy thinking and electrical pains accross my face. Trying to surrender. Feeling some overwhelm.
(6) Good. Ate well. Studied. Spoke to friends.
17(5) Feeling hot, tired and ungrateful. Rerouting thinking to acceptance for a bigger plan and gratitude. Also feel anxiety - trying to sit with that and move through it.
(6) Challenging myself to stay focussed.
18(3) Having a hard time showing up for myself.
(6) Grateful for my kiddos
19(6) Heading off an initially grumpy wake up with some meditation. Grateful to know that all thoughts are temporary.
(7) Happy to walk by the canal, bumped into friends, shop staff friendly and helpful - my sons guitar now fixed.
(7) Fun rocking out with my son on our guitars. I'm just about good enough now to keep up…..
20(7) Just home from my gratitude run. Pandas it's my birthday! Opened some lovely cards and gifts and also birthday hugs off my kiddos. Feeling very blessed to have gifts and among other things I'm welcoming a new plant indoors….
(7) There's a new guitar in our family. This time a full size classical one. Buying it was no where near as stressful as I thought. Really lovely to share evening food with family. It's been a lovely birthday.
21(6) Meditation and exercise on waking. Home baked granola for breakfast with my family. Such a great start to the day. Feeling blessed and grateful. Anxious about dental work later today.
(4) Eeek. Grateful for dental work but feeling plop. I have electrical feeling pains across my face and a headache and nausea. I've had a nap and just need to take it easy and stay grateful.
22(5) Holding steady. Alarm didn't go off so I started later than planned. Surrendering to a different start to my morning. Mango and coconut porridge for breakfast. Yummy ?
(4) Comfort eating to avoid feeling. It doesn't work. I just feel worse.
23(6) Headache gone. The boiler won't light so rekindling fond camping memories with a bucket of kettle water and a flannel ? Banana and peacan porridge for post workout recovery. Garden birds singing. Let's go day!24(5) Awake and starting the day. Noting I'm feeling dehydrated. Grateful to sleep ok.
(5) Annoyed with myself for comfort eating. About to go to kiddos school to discuss attendance (or lack of). Feeling low.
25(6) Pear and pecan porridge for breakfast after a work out. Good to walk with my son to school. I'm humbled by the importance of listening.
(7) Really lovely time with my daughter. Mini trip out somewhere she's wanted to go to for ages. Seems such a blessing that's she's on an inset day from school AND is well enough to enjoy the time. Grateful.
26(5) A swirling mass of all kinds of feelings to far today. I'm travelling to see my mum for the first time since the pandemic started. Excited anticipation but also worry about what i will find and what I'm leaving behind.27(6) Waking up at mums. Good to be here and spend time with her. It's very quiet. It feels strange to be the center of someone's attention. It's good to be in the countryside. It's good to listen and talk.
(6) Home
28(6) Holding steady. Challenging yoga class and meditation practice today. Trying to stay focussed.
(7) High intensity training. Study.
29(7) Focussed - morning school run, meditation, affirmations, house admin / upkeep, cooking, high intensity training, check in with friends, collected daughter in the rain. Grateful for dry clothes and nuticional food.
(7) Studied. Avocado smoothie and made supper for the kiddos. House jobs. Yoga. Breath work. Grateful. Focussed.
30(6) Early start. Meditation. High intensity training. Chia seed porridge. Pupil Covid positive at sons school. Waiting to hear if he can go in or will be remote learning.
(5) One kiddo in school late. One kiddo home early in tears. Its after 2pm - trying to reevaluate the day and work out what's next
(4) Not a good end to the day. Need to cultivate more focus and resilience. Thinking how to chunk big goals down and conscious I could spend time better.
July
MTWTFSS
   1(5) Feeling bleh. Slept badly then slept through waking alarm. Early morning tummy pains subsiding. Meditation helps.2(7) Awake early. High intensity training complete. Meditation. Home baked granola breakfast. Helping kiddos get prepared for school.
(7) Still good despite other people's behaviour. Keeping the focus on me and prepping for filming tomorrow. Some nerves stating to appear….
(6) Evening stroll by the canal. Peaceful. Walking meditation and listening to music. Seems like a chilled out vibe. I like all the canal boats and the water. Feeling grateful.
3(5) Holding steady. Feel glad but also sad that it's Saturday. Glad because most of the day will be connecting with kiddos and an old friend and sad because I have to do some work that I am anxious about that has a hard deadline.
(4) Feeling low. Filming went well this morning. Waiting for a friend in the park and it's sunny. Really can't figure out why I'm so low. Tired maybe?
(4) I want to run away and buy a boat and sail into the sunset. I want to feel the wind, rain and the sun on my face and listen to the bird song. I want to get up with the sun and spend my days connecting with friends. I want to sew and play guitar. I want to walk bare foot on the Earth. My soul is crying out for freedom and I need to listen. Really listen…and work out how to make this be.
4(4) I slept SO badly. Full on future anxiety about the pandemic, kids and family. Making myself get up early to run anyway and hoping that's the right choice. Grateful we are all safe and well right now. Fear is so tricky.
(7) Gratitude run /walk in the wilder parts of the city. Enjoyed being by the canal. tea with friend on her boat. Feeling blessed. Ran in the rain. Late porridge breakfast.
5(6) Good so far. Feeling grateful. Sons birthday.6(7) Early start. Meditation. High intensity training. Banana and pecan porridge. Grateful.
(7) Submitted final assignment for one of my courses. Fingers crossed. Walk and talk with friend. House jobs. Busy morning. Grateful. Focussed.
7(7) Feeling bright despite stomach cramps. Been for a walk with my daughter and did some affirmations. Found a new fitness / climbing gym- people seem friendly. Want to take my son there. Good to walk by the canal. I love the space and light and the water - it's calming.
(6) High intensity training. Sewing. Study. Time with kiddos. Pretty great day so far. I felt the anxiety crash though and I built back up. Proud of myself.
8(5) I feel sad despite fitness training, meditation and walking with my daughter. Fed up with being taken for granted and shouted at and annoyed that the steps I am taking to change things are not working.
(5) I need a parenting upgrade…..
9(5) I don't like my attitude this morning. I'm trying to cultivate a better one.
(5) Tired but ok. Grateful to take my son to the park.Grateful for banana smoothie too
10(5) I feel kinda numb. There's sadness my “things to do” aren't more exciting and seem never ending. I feel grateful I can do them and that I have the opportunity / ability too but there's a feeling I'm missing out on the exciting stuff. Like I'm doing all the life admin without enjoying the life. It feels wrong.
(3) Feeling terrible. I've had a nap and a cry.
11(6) Great run/ walk combo. Grateful for nature, being outside and expansive sky. Glad for the water too.
(6) Injured knee. This changes things. Resting.
12(5) Less pain from injured knee this morning and slept reasonably well. Grateful for hemp & chia seed porridge. Glad outside smells of rain. Daughter distressed. I'm gathering courage. I'm advocating for my daughters metal / emotional health. Special needs mum vs the system. Wish me luck…..
(6) Mental health victory on behalf of my kiddo. Feeling relieved and grateful. Tired too.
13(7) Early morning run by the canal. Sunny. Lots of boats bobbing up and down. High intensity training. Woke early - meditation & visualisation.
(7) Study. Smoothie lunch. House jobs. Medical appointment with my son.
14(3) Really triggered by arguments and other peoples rash actions. Feeling very sad and trapped. I'm really tired this morning and I feel a lot of fear too. Trying to figure of what's in my power to change. I'm worried I'm numbing my feelings in order to cope with such a volatile environment and that's not helpful and not what I want to teach my kids. I need rest and to feel safe. Sad sad sad
(5) Adapted high intensity training to accommodate knee injury and took my son to the park with his friend. Good to spend time with them and glad of good weather.
15(6) Feeling a lot better but a rough night - daughter up every couple of hours. Grateful I went back to sleep after the 04:30 one but need to rethink my day as I'm now up later. Grateful for cosy bed, flushing toilets and early morning sunshine and birds.
(6) Focussed and working hard. Helping daughter with self care, did some studying and cleaned house. There still seems loads to do. Better for meditation. Grateful there's a house to clean….
16(4) I feel burnt out and low.
(3) Two near panic attacks and lots of tears over an uncomfortable medical appointment. Feel really triggered. Upset I need to go for more tests and it's created more things to do. It's such a plop way to look at things - trying to reframe to find more gratitude and more tolerance of self.
17(5) Holding steady. Slept ok. Still sore from yesterday. Gentle yoga class really helped to get me moving. Still feeling a bit stuck. Anxiety still pretty high. Moment by moment today.18(7) Big gratitude run and walk this morning and tea on my friends boat deck. Porridge breakfast. Yoga class. Smoothie lunch. Family time and house jobs.
(7) Winding down now. Enjoying time at a friends house. Studied some more. 45 min meditation felt amazing and really decadent. Feeling very chilled out.
19(6) I had a three hour lay in! I can't remember the last time I slept in, never mind for three hours!
(4) Hot and feeling low. Feeling like priorities aren't right and I spend too much time surviving and not enough time creating. Frustrated.
20(5) Woke feeling dizzy and disorientated for no obvious reason. It was scary but cleared within 30 minutes and my balance is a bit off but manageable. Weird huh?
(5) Doing ok. It's really hot here. Trying to do things but taking breaks.
21(5) Woke feeling humiliated, sad, confused and grieving for what isn't. Dragged myself out for what turned into a lovely run. I enjoyed saying good morning to boaters and being by the water. Still searching for connections.
(6) On the move….
22(6) En route to the beach. Oh yay!23(6) Good Morning Pandas. I am feeling tired but grateful.24(6) Space. Light. Grateful.25(6) Blue sky. Waves crashing. Meditation and warm porridge breakfast. A few nerves.
(7) First ever surf lesson was a lot of fun….
26(4) I feel really rough. Sad. My tummy aches. Even simple things feel so hard. I have to figure out where to go for more support to function as a family. No idea where to start.27(6) Beautiful walk by the sea up to the headland and watching the waves. It's peaceful here and the light is beautiful. I feel wobbly today - in bed for 11 hours but somehow still tired.28(6) Hit training. Breakfast and I've actually been shopping. It's been ages. It was enjoyable. Now drinking ginger tea.29(7) Wild gratitude run / walk by the coast. Crashing waves and white foam on the rocks. Noisy but peaceful. Grateful to sit and watch the waves.
(8) Body boarding in the sea with my son. Exhilarating ?
30(5) Studying31(6) Hit training, meditation, yoga, study. Banana and pecan porridge.
(3) Tough day. Feeling like it's all going wrong. Feel sad and like I'm the problem.
August
MTWTFSS
      1(6) Hit training, meditation, costal walk and hemp and chia seed porridge. Still unsettled from yesterday. Breath work helping.
2(5) Holding steady. Feeling sad from stresses of not having enough support. The last three days have felt way too much. I slept ok and I'm grateful for that. Trying to shake feeling like I've lost the day seeing as I'm up two hours later than planned. I guess I needed the rest. I am tired of just surviving. I want thriving. Meditation is helping.3(7) Meditation and now Out on a run. Grateful for wild rabbits and the sound of crashing waves.4(4) Sad even though it's beautiful here.5(3) How does it all go so wrong so quickly?6(5) Hotel room workout. On the road all day so far so good. Grateful for podcasts and smoothies and super-star kiddy passengers!7(6) Good to be home. Woke and meditated with sound of pounding rain on skylights.
(5) I feel anger and fury at injustice. When I sit with it in meditation it moves around. When I peel back layers it reveals sadness and something childlike - almost like I've been lied to?
8(5) Pre run/walk check in. I need to prioritise more self care, but not the easy kind - the bit where I show up for myself and do things that take discipline and effort so me and the people around me benefit. I feel like I risk loosing being congruent if I don't and that's worth fighting for.
(7) Walking meditation. Gratitude run. 17.9km Cultivating presence. Running in the morning sun. Running in the rain. Down by the boats again - raindrops bouncing off the water. Building myself up again.
(6) Busy day. Good to have friends house to retreat to for meditation and study this evening. Feeling tired.
9(4) Feeling big sad. Multiple night wakes with one of my kiddos. Cancelled day trip so she can rest. Need to reconfigure plans to collect my son later who is also upset and sad this morning. I feel like every day is so challenging at the moment and I don't know how I'm best to break the cycle. I feel like everyone leans on me too much.
(6) Rested. 20 minute meditation on self love. German Volume Training - weighted squats and press-ups. Tidied up. Trying my hardest to get the day back despite the nonsense narrative of there's no point. There is a point and I matter.
10(6) 5.5 km run, meditation. Good to be outside. Loving the canal and the boats. Lots of greenery. Purchased spinach, pineapple & ginger for lunch time smoothie.
(7) Best guitar lesson ever ?
11(6) Busy day on not enough sleep. Good to see London Town looking so fine in the sunshine.12(5) Slept better but woke realising I made a mistake yesterday because I was so tired. Feeling overwhelmed by a mid morning deadline and sadness and shame at the mess. Change and more help is coming but isn't here yet so I need to work on gratitude for what there is today. Thinking mind seems very “loud” and negative, so beginning with meditation.13(6) Busy day. Confronting old habits, challenging them and moving on. Good day but a big mix of things going on. Relieved to keep time free to play guitar - never long enough but better than nothing.14(6) Early up. Slept well. Prepped food for later. Nervous about my day - stepping out my comfort zone and being brave. Meditation now. About to go in.15(6) Busy day. 17.9km gratitude run. Yoga - forward bend focus. House jobs. Reevaluating support to kiddos around chores. Helped out some friends. Limiting personal social media consumption. At friends empty house now - enjoying practicing guitar and reading “how to sit” by Thich Nhat Hanh.
16(6) 40 min hit training, short run, household and medical errands. Helped daughter with personal care. Still de-cluttering - this is a long term project but one I'm grateful to start.17(5) Tired
(4) Really wrapped up in my head despite best efforts. Thoughts unkind and untrue but on a tape loop. Trying to still the mind.
18(5) Feeling rough. Still in thinking ego mind. Thoughts continue to be unkind and destructive. Anxiety high over a situation I didn't predict today. Sadness and grief over relationship with daughter. I don't feel heard or understood, she doesn't either. The disconnect is painful. 40 mins high intensity training. Grateful for warm porridge breakfast.19(6) 6.3km run with breakfast afterwards. Grateful to be outside and to be in nature. I can feel the turn of the seasons.
(6) Holding steady but a bit hangry- cooking supper now. Hard physical work in garden - good but frustrating- trying to surrender the outcome.
20(6) Slept ok. Grateful for cosy bed. Three rounds - ascending ladder workout. Breakfast in the garden. Planning what I'm focusing on today. The change in the seasons is coming.
(6) Surrendering to what is. Grateful to be learning guitar - seems like such a luxury to make the time to play. Continuing to de-clutter and accepting it's stressful and slow. Regular breaks are helping and the garden is looking smarter as a result!
21(6) Deliberate Slow start to the morning. 30 minute meditation. Feeling grateful for garden birds and that there's food in the cupboards for breakfast.22(6) 15km gratitude walk. Enjoyed seeing a heron and cormorants and being by the water. Gratitude for all the different shades of green as well as the various blues and greys in the sky.
(5) I'm feeling a bit numb. Yoga class helped. I'm tired. I thought I'd feel excited about tomorrow but I just feel worry and like there's too much to do today. I thought it would feel like an adventure and there would be excitement but managing today is feeling exhausting with mistakes all over it.
(6) Meditation helped. Letting go of expectations helping. Quietly at my friends house - catching up on paperwork, reading and playing guitar. Feel lucky to have this time and space.
23(3) Anxiety high. Genuine distress. In pain with eyes and stomach. Sad. Numb. Trying to be gentle. Went back to sleep briefly and ate breakfast in the garden. But now I have to finish packing and the time pressure feels very real. I choose to show up for my kids but I feel raw and inadequate.
(1) Lost my temper.
24(6) Very tired. Very little sleep but woke grateful. Staying on a boat in the countryside. Woke to meditate and feed swans. Saw a kingfisher. Glad to play a family games yesterday. Need to note and accept tiredness levels today but right now loving the countryside sounds and the water lapping on around the hull. Enjoying studying maps and working out navigation route for today.25No Reasons26(8) Internet access back so able to update. Kingfishers spotted and otters swimming alongside boat. I like life at 5mph.27(8) Woke to sunshine peeping through clouds and spotted kingfishers flying up stream. Sad to give the boat back this morning but it's amazing right now. Warm porridge on deck and snuggles with my youngest. About to read aloud. Really amazing.
(7) Returning home with all kinds of resolutions. Looking to keep my lessons from this holiday and build on my experiences. Almost every positive MP mood spike is when I'm outside in nature. It's good to see and know that. Now to work out how to do it more often.
28(6) Doing ok. Grateful for washing machine. Glad of garden space. Unpacking is slow. Feeling very cooped up but can go out later. Glad to prep food ahead of the week. Trying to find creative approaches to making homework fun for youngest.
(6) Doing ok. Good to walk outside. Good to spend time visualising how I want life to look. Facilitating a lot of homework with kiddos today - it's going ok. Unpacking continues.
29(7) 18km gratitude run / walk. Feels good to be outside. Grateful for the people looking after canal upkeep, glad of boaters and smells of wood burning and freshly brewed coffee. Glad to see geese taking off in formation and people paddle boarding. Glad to meditate and walk in nature. Grateful to return home for warm porridge.
(6) Tired but steady. Yoga practice was welcome, as was a short rest and late smoothie lunch. Did some planting and organising in the garden. More stuff sent to charity - trusting it finds the home it needs. Worked with kiddo around transitioning back to school - ordered essential supplies to help her. Feeling the pull of the seasons and noting how important it is for me to remain active outside.
30(6) Up early. High intensity workout. Breakfast in the garden. Home maintenance. Enjoying the crispness of the new morning and the bird chatter.31No Reasons
September
MTWTFSS
  1(6) I'm reading “The Art of Repair” by Molly Martin. To me this book is joyous and stirs something comforting deep within me. To read it sat in the garden this morning has felt like such a gift. It's too cold outside to be entirely comfortable but I like that - it keeps me present. The birds are chattering and my neighbours dog came for snuggles.
(5) Sore eyes from lots of tests at the eye hospital this afternoon. Gratitude for kind people, technology and expertise. Feel really well looked after. Best news is that my eyes are fine. Feel relieved and grateful.
2(5) Messy day. Up between 1-3am withdistressed kiddo. I'm feeling tired and like there's a lot to manage today. Using this check in as a way to cue self care practices that help when I feel like this.3(5) Holding steady. Challenged by changes in kids routines and supporting both of them. Thinking lots about healthy routines snd enjoying making decisions about what to try.4(6) Having a simple day. Prepped the weeks main meals and my breakfasts. Enjoyed early meditation in the garden.5(7) Nearly 18km gratitude run /walk. Gifts include a wild fox ?, cormorants, herons and geese and meeting a four month old dashund puppy ? Feeling grateful. Glad also for warm porridge in the garden and a shower!
(6) I have done some sewing. It feels amazing and I'm grateful for the rhythm of the machine and the soft fabric. I'm grateful it makes me be present. Yoga class was welcome too, as was reading with my son.
6(6) Busy start to day. Meditation followed by 35 mins high intensity training, breakfast and an hour walk to take my son to school and now another meditation. Grateful for sunshine, trees, opportunities and technology and my very capable body.
(5) Need to regroup and reassess today. Son sent home sick from school. Changing and cancelling schedule to prioritise caring for him. Surrendering to what is.
7(5) High intensity training and meditation. Walking with my son.
(6) Heading to bed. Letting go of all I didn't do today. I did look after my sick son and also took a yoga class online. Shoulderstand was a particular joy, as was a kale pasta salad for supper.
8(6) Meditation. Ascending ladder workout. Walked an hour to take my son to school. Spoke to a friend. Grateful for breakfast and able body. Glad of cosy home. This is the first time both children have been in school in a really long time. Grateful for the opportunities they have.
(6) There are a many things I could have done this afternoon and one of them was sleep. A 90 minute nap. What joy. What a victory for self care.
9(6) Meditation. Breathwork. Porridge breakfast. Standing barefoot in my garden breathing in the morning chill - there's something about the edge of cold and the sensation on my feet that I love. There's something raw about it.
(7) More breath work. Yoga class. Walked miles. Met old friends. Made new plans. Loved putting kiddos to bed tonight. Reading aloud is one of my favourite things. I hope I remember to do it when I'm old.
10(7) Meditation, walked my son to school, more meditation. Long discussion with mental health team regarding daughter. Feel both hope and frustration. House admin and beginning to get organised.11(7) Woke early. Alternate nostril breathing and candle meditation both in the (dark) garden. Left candle burning on window ledge to remind me to note light changes as the sun came up. Worked a treat. Prepping healthy food for the week. Pausing for breakfast.
(7) Guitar lesson was lots of fun. Enjoyed walking and listening to an old friend. Feel very glad she's in my life.
12(4) Scary night. Son had big asthma attack from sleeping. It's been ages since that happened. I then had bad dreams. I feel really rough this morning.
13(4) Tired. Yesterday ended up in emergency hospital with asthmatic kiddo. Really scary. Grateful for expert nurses and doctors. My son is home and resting. I feel fuzzy about what day it is and what I'm meant to be doing above caring for my kids.
(5) Steady. My kiddo is doing ok. I'm doing jobs round looking after him. Grateful for luxuries like hot water bottle and reading stories aloud. Working on understanding a greater purpose.
14(5) Noting I'm tired and need to rest. Breathwork helped focus. My son off school resting with chest infection / asthma - glad I can look after him. Focussing on what I can do today not what I can't.15(5) Low mood. Tired. Need to work on bigger picture goals to shift the funk - need to balance with son off sick from school. Need to focus on what I can do, not what I can't. Starting with learning.16(5) I've worked hard to get up to a five today. Tools that have helped are meditation and visualisation and surrender to what is. I've prepped all my food for the day in an attempt to eat more balanced meals than yesterday. One day at a time.17(5) Holding steady. Getting organised. Setting achievable goals and chunking bigger projects down. Trying to reframe my attitude around having kiddos off sick from school. Concerned about daughters mental health.18(4) 19(8) 20.4km gratitude run / walk. Joyous to have tea with a friend on her boat. Amazing to connect with another friend by phone. Grateful for porridge breakfast and yoga and building lego with my son, who is slowly getting better.
20(6) Early wake. Meditation. 35 minute high intensity training, feeling focussed and organised.
(7) Focussed day. Busy. Productive. Learned lots. Less distracted. My son is getting stronger too.
21(5) Messy start. Focussing now.
(6) Tired but ok. Both kiddos out of school today. Doing what I can - little by little, but by bit.
22(6) Holding steady. Focussed. Still tired.
(4) Feeling overwhelmed. Afternoon in the hospital with my son to get tests - I feel real reverence for what the docs and nurses do and a proper gratitude. But my score is low because I'm struggling as it's bright, loud and can be confusing. I'm struggling to find my own value and feel shame about what a mess our home is.
23(6) Grateful for sleep and a 30 minute run - it's a cold crisp autumn morning here. I saw an urban fox ? early this morning too. Porridge breakfast was welcome.
(3) There are moments when I feel like throwing up from anxiety and this is one. My son is still not well and needs a Covid test despite previously being told this was unnecessary. My daughter self harmed in school and came home in acute distress. The mental health team have no one on duty who can speak to me. Despite an earlier power nap I feel like I will break.
24(5) Getting up to try again. Broken night - up with distressed kiddo at midnight. I feel pretty sleepy - gratitude lists are helping (warm home, hot drink, bed) as well as planning what I can of my day (which isn't much till I know which of my kiddos will manage what). Moment by moment.25(3) Feel rough. Kiddo self harmed again. Trying to support her but also detach from the behaviour which I understand is a cry for help. Slept ok but really tired. Trying to keep it simple today.
(2) Sad. Tired
26(6) Holding steady. Grateful for ? swans, cygnets and a cormorant on the canal. Glad to get out the house. Grateful for sky. Grateful to meditate. Grateful to think and to sing along with tunes, grateful for 18km gratitude run / walk.
(6) Getting organised. Gearing up for the week. One kiddo well again, the other in mental health hell. Trying to work out how best to support them.
27(5) Up early. I'm dressed and ready to face the day! There's lots of fear but breath work, meditation and brief candle light meditation are helping. Prepped nuticional breakfast and just waking kiddos. Really really trying to keep my expectations in check today.
(6) Time for an early (ish) night. Good day. Study. Yoga. Meditation and played guitar. Kids ok. Enjoyed reading stories to my son and studying alongside my daughter. Tired now.
28(6) Noting tummy pains and knee pain on waking - adjusting day to accommodate. Up early again for meditation and breath work. Enjoying learning Italian.29No Reasons30(6) Welcome back Mood Panda! To the peeps who run this - you're amazing and thank you.
October
MTWTFSS
    1(5) 6km run in heavy rain. Really cathartic. Glossy green trees. Concentric circles. Feeling challenged to support both children.
(5) I feel like I'm moving through mud today. It's so sticky and slow. Really lovely to check in with a friend at lunch.
2(6) Doing ok. Low base anxiety about kiddos. Grateful for breakfast. Glad for MP. Looking forward to guitar lesson.
(6) Guitar lesson was epic but also feel there's lots to learn. Grateful for smoothie lunch and personal development seminar.
(7) Joyous walking in the rain. Awesome to outside. Grateful for wellingtons. Glad to be by the canal and see swans and boats.
(3) Woah. What a crash of mood. Really low. Upset by witnessing arguments and general levels of “caring” exhaustion. Tired of having to walk on eggshells at home. It Felt really hopeless for a while there. Reached out to connect with friends which helped as well as eating - I made a baked cauliflower dish. Really tired.
3(7) 18km gratitude run/walk combo. Grateful for trails, the tow path, green trees, autumn leaves. Glad to try my first proper tempo run but need to read up about breathing. Tea on boat with friend was joyous.
(6) Getting organised ahead of next week. Want to be more mindful of time spent well. Thinking of reorganising some of my weekly tasks to be on different days to free up more weekend time. Feel frustration over not being valued or listened to at home and considering how to change this.
4(5) I feel depleted. No matter how much I love this person dealing with the PDA part of neuro diversity confuses me and exhausts me. I feel like I'm fighting an impossible battle and to surrender is not an option. But we always have choices, right?
(6) I ran. I meditated. I napped. Thank goodness for rest. Grateful for self care. I feel a bit daunted by everything I haven't done yet today. it takes enormous courage to stop. I'm reminding myself of that as I go make a smoothie for lunch and assess how important those tasks all are.
5(3) I feel like everything is coming to a critical mass. I feel trapped. Scared. Tired. I'm feeling physically sick from the anxiety of how I want life to be vs how it is.
(3) Still feeling plop. Meditation. Spoke to counsellor. Support group and rest are all helping but I feel awful. Like everything is coming to a critical mass I I can do nothing.
6(1) The end of an era. Grief. Tears. Panic. It's hard to breathe.7No Reasons8(4) Taking responsibility for my choices and actions and determined to make amends to myself and others. I'm feeling confusion and grief and finding both really challenging to sit with. Eating better today and grateful to walk with my kiddo this morning.9(5) Recognising I've worked hard to make today work. Grateful for time with a friend and buying plants. I figure plants are pretty portable but the Christmas displays nearly finished me. Who knows what and where by then. Back to today. Glad of meditation and body scan. Acute belly pain - trying to accept and lean into it and accept my choices.10(6) 18k gratitude run and walk. Tea on boat with friend. Plant gift. It's beautiful - going to look up about how to care for it. Glad of boaters and sunrise. Omg I ran as the sun came up. Misty and ethereal and beautiful. Cormorants and swans. Meditative too. I feel the rhythm of my feet and the sound of my shoes on the earth. Grateful to look over and wave at a friend in the distance.
(3) Panda feeling low ? Trying to do Sunday night tasks feels impossible against the background of chaos. I actually feel sick. Being an adult is really challenging and I haven't scheduled in enough fun today despite the tea and run/walk combo this morning.
11(5) Still trying to get some momentum with bigger projects and failing. Feels frustrating. Want to serve beyond immediate commitments. Back to collect little kiddo early from school early - snuggles and stories - gratitude. Wondering where to turn to for guidance about what's next. Need help to gather a plan that's workable.12(5) I want to rewrite the script. I want my life to be different. I need to really consider what I can change and what I can't and I need to take action. Writing that is easier than doing it ? Kiddo off school again but good to have tea with an old friend. Studying now. I'm gonna do this. I have to.
(5) Brain fogging over. Much study done. Movement and Guitar playing breaks for clarity and also learning. Fingers getting stronger. Set up call with a coach for later this week. Moved on a huge box of clothes. Need to get back to decluttering. Getting unstuck - hard work but worth it.
13(5) Continuing to get unstuck. Better morning for being more focussed and purposeful. Learning helps but so does letting go of outcomes. I feel a like I'm getting drive and determination back. I hope so.
(6) Really positive meeting with my sons school. Hoping to get things back on track. Lovely long walk home on the tow path- enjoying sights and sounds of the water and boats. Grateful. Relieved but tired.
14(5) Finding it hard to check in because I feel very up and down. Some pain. Did an out and back run this morning to take my son to school. Sky looks vast and leaves have an autumnal sparkle. Failing to connect with eldest kiddo. Its sad it's so hard. House jobs, learning Italian and guitar - now settling to study. Grateful but tired.
(6) Whoa! What an afternoon! ? Met with life coach and started to talk about the BIG goals - the stuff that matters that I currently don't get to do. Dreaming bigger. Way out of my comfort zone. Also challenging guitar lesson too. Feels like a day of pushing myself.
15(6) Awake with more incentive to learn. Intend to focus and make progress. Using time wisely. Chia and hemp porridge and kiwi fruit for breakfast.
(6) Going strong - studied, spoke to a friend. Allowed time to think about future work project. Played guitar. This hour is about powering through all the little jobs I don't wanna do and just getting them done. Here I go Pandas!
16(7) Up mega early. Food prepping like a boss - breakfasts and main meals prepped for the week. Hemp overnight porridge for breakfast. Italian practice done and notes made about my business. All as the sun has risen in the sky. It's like someone put the lights on - Wow ?17(3) I've fallen on my run. It was dark and scary. Ive mashed my hands and knees but not badly because of clothing. Suns coming up now. Heading home. Lessons to learn are many.
(5) Home safe. Stiff and sore. Grateful for warm porridge and a warm shower. I'm gonna buy running lights for next time - I think I only fell because I couldn't see well enough in the dark. Ouchy life lessons today.
(4) Feeling rough and tired. Trying to wind down in an environment that's not conducive to relaxing.
18(4) Feeling low. Sitting with disappointment and frustrated with myself because I am worried I am making a fool of myself. Moment by moment today. Still stiff and sore from yesterday with some pain.
(5) Holding steady. First part of the day done and all ok. Meditation helped. Quick 20 minute walk in the park also. Now need to focus on how best to achieve this afternoons errand.
(4) Depleted and struggling to self regulate. Very tired. Wasted three hours this afternoon for an appointment that was cancelled as we arrived at the waiting room. The major road was closed so we had to go a different way. It's used up loads of energy for nothing. I feel disrespected and under valued. Trying to put a positive spin on this and failing. Need to find surrender to what is.
19(5) Waking feeling tired.
(5) Did my first run after my fall - just a super short ten minutes. Didn't feel great but lovely to be down by the boats. Napped but still felt rough on waking. Trying to do the next right thing but feel I've lost my equilibrium.
20(5) Broken night. Awake in pain. Grateful for meditation to get “behind” the pain. It's easing now but I'm tired. I'm blessed to go get my boy from tennis and excited to see him after his sleepover.
(6) Initial business ideas sent to life coach. Feels really raw and messy but it's progress and right now I need to feel like I'm progressing. The desire to serve and to give back is growing bigger than the fear to jump.
21(6) Listening to inspirational words, awake with gratitude. Cautiously excited about life coach meeting later - but determined to hand over the results and make the most of the time before and after. In less pain today.
(7) Power || Strength || Grace & Freedom (25 minute run in the rain - autumnal trees and concentric circles in the water - wood burning fires and bakery smells) Grateful ?
(7) Met with life coach. Great to get help to untangle the mess and thoughts , to look at priorities and work out what's next. The challenge (as always) will be actioning all this round daily life and supporting kiddos. Going to find a way to make this work. Feels good to be getting help but also tired and in some pain so need to listen to those needs too.
22(7) Lots of amazingness today. Great guitar lesson, live music, shopping etc. feels like living again!23(6) Awake. Grateful for day. Moderate pain. Feels like a lot to do and there's definitely anxiety over that - trying to be present and watch my attitude - I want to cultivate wonder and gratitude in this day. Here and now. Grateful to be here typing this with all of you beautiful panda bears.
(3) Feeling awful. I hate packing and trying to be grateful isn't helping. I feel distressed.
24(6) Away. Doing ok
25(4) Depleated. Too much. Too tired. Not enough self care and processing time.26(6) First hit workout for ages. Ran for 30 minutes too.27(6) Busy day but with a lull to go to the cinema - first time in about two years. Grateful. Enjoyed study, a walk and light exercise too.28(7) Autumnal 30 minute run. Crunchy leaves, beautiful colours. Feeling like I won ?
(7) Fun guitar lesson and great to play silly games with my son
29(7) 45 minutes running in the rain. Grateful for running light, led slap straps and waterproof layer. Enjoying rain soaked trees, puddles and cormorants.30(3) Feeling low. Awake in the night with kiddo. I had electrical feeling lower back and tummy pains which have now passed. Head stuck in an unhealthy thinking loop. Feeling closed down, tired and sad mixed with grief and shame. Grateful to know that this will all pass - trying not to run away from the feelings but that's challenging too.
(5) Feeling depleted. There's so much paperwork to underpin my kiddo with support. It feels exhausting and never ending. It feels unproductive because even services set up to help neurodivese people expect them to conform to neuro typical timelines, access and goals. I feel frustrated.
31(7) 18k running in the rain and wind. That was fierce! Grateful for tea on my friends boat part way and glad of warm porridge. I feel very alive thanks to the weather!
November
MTWTFSS
1(6) 35 minute run through crunchy autumn leaves. Feeling good to be outside. Need to hydrate and settle now.
(6) Settled to study. Yoga. House jobs. Movie with my girlie.
2(6) Ran back from the school run - found a new route which I'm pleased about. Did some study but in pain levels moderate and distracting. Need to learn more about my health condition. Enjoying the sunshine and crunchy autumn leaves.
(6) The magic of speaking to friends and napping ?
(7) Heavily adapted hour and a half yoga practice to accommodate chronic pain condition. Really grateful to teacher and practice - body feels longer and I'm in so much less pain now it's quite profound.
3(6) Modified hit training to accommodate health needs. Feeling proud I did it anyway. Good to walk with my son. Studying but distracted. Some pain.
(6) Still in pain. Study completed as best as I can.
4(6) Woke in less pain. Slept well. Grateful for warm breakfast. Anxiety about a meeting later - keeping in check by coming back to now.5(6) Painful night but pain free this morning which is joyous. Ran in the autumn blue sky after dropping kiddo to school. Feeling hopeful.
(4) In pain again. Came home to arguments. Can't figure out how to sit comfortably to play guitar. Feeling disappointed and tired. Try again tomorrow.
6(6) Slept well. Woke early. Went back to sleep. I've done my meal prep for the week and am enjoying a gentler start to the day. Grateful for hemp seed porridge and my new dress arriving. It's ages since I've had any new clothes so it feels special because it's something pretty rather than practical.7(8) 18km gratitude run. Fox ? squirrels ? and beautiful trees ?. Tea with my friend on her boat - joyous. Feeling bright and grateful. Glad of lack of pain, for conversation and connection and time in nature.
(6) Yoga. Time with my son. Getting organised for next week. Playing guitar as the sun went down was joyous (I'm very much in learner stage so joyous for me but maybe not those listening ?)
8(6) Steady day. Ran with my son to his school. Listened to positive podcasts on the way home. Settled study time.9(5) 3am scary wakes. Head in turmoil. Grateful for meditation and returning to the present moment. Glad I went back to sleep and for a warm breakfast. Time to take kiddos to school ?
(7) 5km run through the crunchy autumn leaves ? and bright low sunshine ?? down by the water ? The colours are amazing and the reflections bring something else to the experience. 25 minutes high intensity training and a shower. Feeling better.
10(7) Good today. Slower start. 20 minutes modified fitness training. Long walk to and from school enjoying crunchy autumn leaves and the daylight. Good to play guitar and further learning Italian. Settling down to study later than usual.11(6) I didn't sleep well but grateful to wake early. Glad of warm breakfast and opportunities. Feel conflicted about how to best use this morning but at the same time grateful for the dilemma ?
(6) I logged into yoga class which was joyous. Now trying to cram everything else into the rest of my day feels less joyous…but I feel better for the practice!
12(6) Tired, so pacing myself. Up with my son in the night due to his asthma. It's stressful. Glad of a brief run this morning together with study and a grocery delivery.13(6) Grateful to wake rested and listen to inspiring words while staying a little longer in bed. Enjoyed sweeping garden leaves - I liked the fresh of outside and the engagement of the task.14(8) 16km gratitude run - walk combo. Feels good to be outside. Grateful for sunrise, dawn chorus and cormorants. Glad of breakfast and a warm shower on returning home.
(6) Busy day but squeezed in watching a movie as a family.
15(6) Great guitar practice, 15 minute run and now settling to study. Older kiddo home.
(4) My update deleted, which was momentarily sad. I'm cross with myself - I didn't show up for myself with food today. Lots of old destructive patterns. I'm cross - I thought I was through this. Apparently not. Juggling Studying hard and Looking after my older kiddo.
(2) I did today wrong.
16(4) I feel yucky. My body is heavy and I've lost any gentleness for myself. The things I need to do to look after me are usurped by needing to look after sick kiddos and I need (again) to adapt to survive. I'm exhausted and this is no fun. My self care is usually pretty good but circumstances have been extreme for so long now that even that isn't enough. Sad.17(5) Holding steady. Some overwhelm18(6) Holding steady. Tired. Grateful for blue sky and walk along the tow path - I love the space and light and the cold this morning - it is bracing!
(6) Met with life coach. Feeling hopeful. gaining clarity. Awesome guitar lesson - note to self - go back through old lesson notes more often. Enjoyed reading to kiddo. Made time to nap - that turned the day around.
19(6) Woke feeling (self created) shame. Meditation and a walk helped let go of what wasn't mine. Good to have tea with people this morning, even though when I woke I didn't want to!20(5) In pain. Glad to rest in bed and listen to inspirational speakers. Need to take today very slowly.21(7) 14km gratitude run / walk. Good to be in nature. Grateful for sunrise, cormorants and bird song.
22(7) 40 min run / 20 min walk and a short modified hit workout. More study and then some more - taking breaks with meditation in them is really helping. Just stopped to play guitar briefly too which was joyous.23(4) Covid has arrived in our household. Kids and I are negative so far. My son had an asthma attack at 3am. I'm tired and feel fear. Taking the day an hour at a time.24(5) Steady. Everyone in my household is poorly apart from me. One Covid case, one tummy bug and one disregulation with acute anxiety. Moment by moment here. Grateful for a home with different rooms, glad for food and support of friends. I am tired25(5) Hanging on in here. Kiddos switch to remote learning tomorrow. I'm Really tired. Grateful for hot water bottles and our home. Maintaining a bare minimum and prioritising rest.26(5) Changing what I can - cultivating gentler attitude and celebrating progress even at snail pace ?27(5) Feeling rough so being gentle with myself. Up in night with distressed kiddo. Feels such a privilege to be able to be there for her, but it's hard when the ones we live are so hard on themselves. I'm Tired today so planning rests and breaks as much as this is possible.28(4) I am covid positive. Breathing hurts a bit and I feel pretty rough. Cultivating a general attitude of acceptance, surrender and gratitude. Kids pretty scared. Hour by hour
29No Reasons30No Reasons